Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS.

Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck’s tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.

The other day Chuck Norris and his girlfriend were sitting down watching the Texas Ranger when his girlfriend said, “How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.”, there was a pause. Then Chuck Norris laughed a soft laugh when he put up his hand and made a tight fist and shoved it down his girlfriend’s thoat. He had his hand down her for a second when he jerkingly ripped it out with a fresh heart in his hand. He then said, “How dare you ryhme in the presents of Chuck Norris,” as he squished the bloody heart in his hand. Then he said, “Don’t fuck with Chuck.”

It was five years later when Chuck Norris realized the cruel dramatic irony of his girlfriend’s death, which he came to forget when the commercials ended and he got back to watching his show, so he began laughing and he laugh so hard it killed everyone within a five-hundred mile radius and causing the storm which started the second ice age.

Chuck Norris Doesnt tea bag he potato sacks

chuck norris invented canadians one day when he ran out of people to roundhouse kick

Chuck Norris can actually breath fire.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

In the back of the Guinness Book of World Records it states “All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris’s records.”

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

God has nothing to do with the creation of the heavens and the earth, it was Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kick to the face of God that allowed him to create the heavens and the earth.

Chuck Norris was once walking along the Sahara Desert when he decided he needed shelter from the sun. So he stared at the sand until it melted into 2 ton blocks. He then made his shelter which we now call the Great Pyramids.

Adam and Eve never existed. What really happened, was that Chuck Norris sneezed and a human fetus emerged from his nose, this was the beginning of man.

Chuck Norris masterbates with a sledgehammer.

when he was a young man, chuck norris one crapped his pants. Seconds later, the poop was so frightened of an iminent roundhouse kick that it retreated back into his butthole.

Chuck norris was once the victim of a violent robbery, when the robber realized what he had done, he immediately killed himself

A lock of chuck norris’s beard is currently sold on ebay for 12 million dollars

After the cancellation of walker texas ranger, the crime rate in texas went up 200 percent

chuck norris is the current midget toss champion with a record toss of 79 feet.

chuck norris once killed an african elephant with his mind

chuck norris’s urine is more valuable the gold in many third world countries

chuck norris has never trimmed his beard, his hair follicles are to afraid to grow

chuck norris will never suffer from erectile disfunction due to the fact that his penis is permanently erect.

chuck norris can generate enough power with one roundhouse kick to solve all of the worlds energy problems.

chuck norris never gets sick because his white blood cells know karate

Chuck Norris once was playin a friendly game of golf with the pope. When Chuck shanked a ball into the bunker he began cursing. The pope said, “I will pray for you my son.” Norris proceeded to roundhouse kick him to the face stating that no one prays for Chuck Noris besides Chuck Norris, then he stole his wallet.

Chuck Norris walked down the street with a boner… There were no surviviors

When Chuck goes shark fishing, he uses only his beard to catch, kill, gut and cook the shark.

When chuck norris screws spencers mom spencer gets a roundhouse kick to the face

Chuck Norris went back in time too stop the Kennedy assassination. He deflected all of the bullets with his beard. JFK’s Head exploded out of sheer amazment.

before chuck norris got his liscence he was able to shoot a helicopter out of the sky with only a handgun from a moving vehicle.

Chuck Norris puts Viagra in his eyes so he can look hard

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger

Chuck Norris can speak Braille

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands….. they are now just known as Islands

Chuck Norris’ sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”

When george orwell wrote 1984, he left out one important detail: Big Brother is in fact chuck Norris.

DNA tests condcted on chuck norris indicate that he is, in fact, the father of mother nature. He doesnt pay child support because no body will tell him that he needs to pay it due to the fear of a roundhouse kick to the face

Chuch Norris Once walked into a resturant to order a delicous hamburger. The Waiter told chuck norris that they didnt have any more patties and told him to order something else…Chuck Norris roundhouse kick him, but missed so the blast of wind out of the roundhouse hit the waiter leaving him with a broken nose and collar bone.

Chuck norris once roundhouse kicked God so hard that he had a kid named Jesus.

chuck norris doesnt cut his grass, his grass cuts itself in fear of being roundhouse kicked by chuck norris

chuck norris once ordered a big mac at burger king…he got it

chuch norris once sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and incredible martial arts skill,moments after the deal chuck roundhouse kicked the devil and stole his soul back,the devil who respects irony forgave chuck and wasn’t mad,now they play poker every second wednesday of the month

chuck norris wanted to prove that defeating cancer wasn’t a big deal,so he smoked 3 packs of cigarette’s for 2 years and aquiring 6 different kinds of cancer,he got rid of the cancer by flexing for 30 minutes…beat that lance armstrong

chuck norris once was training with wolverine when one of his testicles was chopped off,its now known as jupitar

chuck norris once hit a baseball it later killed the dinosaurs

chuck norris once kicked a rock…its now known as the moon

there’s only one hand that beats a royal flush…chuck norris’ hand

chuck norris has such a good poker face in 2003 he won the national poker championship with a nine of clubs,two of hearts,a king of diamonds,a number six green uno card, and a get out of jail free monoply card

when chuck norris has sex with a man its not because he’s gay, its because he’s run out of women

chuck norris once roundhouse kicked a horse…its decendints are later known as a giraffe

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

 Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

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