deX-Files

Game of Thrones - Series Finale Prediction

2019-05-14T06:58:00.000-07:00

Having watched the second to the last episode a few days ago, I can't see how "Game of Thrones" will suddenly have a happy ending (although that can always be a possibility). I also can't see how things will suddenly wrap up neatly. At best, I am envisioning an open ended ending, one that is partially grim, but also partially hopeful (there are several spinoffs of the series in the works after all).

Here is my prediction for the last episode...

* Daenerys sits on the Iron Throne. She did conquer King's Landing after all. She has the support of at least the Unsullied and the Dothraki, and when the Northern Army joined in the fray even when the bells rang, I can't see them suddenly revolting her decision to torch much of the city. Even if they did, they have Drogon which can easily influence them to submission.
* Jon Snow dies. Either Danenery dies or Jon Snow dies. I don't see them getting back together happily ever after in any scenario. While it is a possibility that Jon Snow saves the day and sits on the Iron Throne, I think it is too happy of an ending and won't be as shocking as Jon Snow dying (after being resurrected by the Lord of the Light, but maybe that was only to fight the Night King's Army).
* Arya goes to Storm's End. I can't see Arya pulling off another big kill like she did for the Night King. Given her arc of suddenly not wanting to kill Cersei and fearing for her life shortly afterwards, I think it's more surprising and shocking for her to gallop off to Storm's End to tell Gendry about what's happened at King's Landing.
* Sansa becomes Queen of the North, Lady of Winterfell. When Jon dies, Sansa reigns over the North and will be Daenerys adversary (in addition to Gendry at Storm's End).
* Tyrion will either die or retreat to High Garden. I can see Tyrion leaving King's Landing as he will definitely not want to be the Hand anymore. If anything, he will want to undo what has been done since Varys was right and he'll be guilty of the fact that he might have been able to stop Daenerys.

Targaryen, Baratheon, Stark and Lannister. The Game of Thrones pretty much starts all over again, but now with these new set of characters aiming for the Iron Throne. No big battles given there have been already been two of them. I think it will just end at that, and leaves it open ended for a potential spinoff, if they can write a good one for it (I would rather they don't, at this point).

So that's it for my series finale prediction. What's your prediction?

On Vipassana Meditation

2016-10-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

It was the third night of the 10 day Vipassana Meditation Course. We were practicing Anapana meditation, which required us to observe our respiration from the bottom of the nostrils to the top of the nose. I was deep into the meditation, about 45 minutes into the one hour group sitting, when suddenly I visualized three streams of light coming from above and hitting the center of my forehead. It started and kept drilling into my forehead and due to my surprise and my uncertainty of what is happening, I started leaning back as if hesitant to take in these three drilling lights. I fell out of my meditation bench and awoke, shouting "Oh, Shit!." I quickly realized the folly of what I have done as I broken the practice of noble silence, in a hall full of meditators and our male and female teachers, at that. I quickly closed my eyes and covered myself again with the shawl I used for the cold, hoping no one actually heard me or saw me fall...

***

I took the 10 day course on Vipassana meditation upon the recommendation of my friend Mindy. I had been experiencing a lot of stress related to work and I was about to start to take a 12 week personal leave which my manager had thankfully agreed to let me take. My experience on meditation was extremely limited to 5 or 10 minute meditations on iPhone apps like Calm and Headspace. I don't know what I was thinking but thinking back now to what I have done, it feels as I have gone from a 5K race to a 50 mile ultra marathon with very little training. No regrets on my decision to do the course, but I definitely would give caution to any interested persons wanting to take such a course without or with little experience on meditation.

I wish there were 1, 3, or 5 day sessions but counter intuitively enough, Vipassana meditation reserves those only for "old" students who have taken the 10 day course. The theory and logic is that 10 days is what is required to teach the whole technique, and the shorter courses are for those who at least have learned the technique and are coming back to refresh on its practices.

I signed up to attend the course from October 12th through October 23rd at the Northern California Vipassana Center, one of three centers in California. The other two are located in Central and Southern California. It is a full 10 day course, but they require you to arrive the night before and leave the morning after the 10 day course, so one could argue it's really an involvement of 12 calendar days.

Day 0

I arrived to the center a little bit later than intended, as I had made a stop for gas and a quick shopping trip to Target to buy a towel as I had forgotten to bring one for the course. The drive to the center is about 2.5 hours in regular traffic otherwise (this was based on a drive from San Francisco through Golden Gate Bridge and 101).

I thought for some reason that I was assigned a room but I was assigned to a tent. I didn't really mind as I had just previously gone on a backpacking trip, but this would be the first time I would be sleeping in a tent for over ten nights. I deposited my luggage to my tent and quickly realized it didn't have a rain cover for some reason, and the weather forecast mentioned rain in the next few days. I asked if I could switch tents and I was thankfully assigned to one with a rain cover (which was much needed the next few nights).

I was also asked to turn over any and all valuables, including my cell phone, my wallet and car keys. I had placed my cellphone and wallet into my car, but having been asked for these, I went back and gave them. I picked a bag with a letter and number to it (M-57) and listed my name as the owner on a sheet. I then deposited the bag into a crate where it would be held for us for the duration of the course. This would allow for no distractions, and also no easy exit without talking exiting the course with the course manager or staff.

We had dinner before our briefing started. Noble silence, which requires no talking to other meditators, doesn't start until the course formally starts on the morning of Day 1. It does allow you to talk to the course manager for course and facility questions or issues, and to the teacher, for questions on the meditation technique, but those are encouraged to be brief and not conversational.

Despite Noble silence not starting on Day 1, I hesitated and spoke sparingly to the other men as we were having dinner, but instead just listened in to the guys who did have conversations. There were also women in the course, but their dining area, as all other areas like their residences, are separate. For Day 0, we can see them but we cannot dine with them. The dining hall cloth wall which would divide the dining hall and prevent us from physically seeing them during dining wasn't there, as a pre-course meeting was to be held after our dinner.

With regard to dinner and subsequent meals, one other thing enforced is the restriction of not eating meat. All meals during the course were vegetarian. This is due to the policy of Vipassana meditation requiring no killing, and eating meat is eating something that has been killed. It is not vegan though, so dairy (milk, cheese, eggs) are allowed as those don't result in the killing of the cows or chickens that produce those types of foods.

In the pre-dinner meeting, they went over the rules of the course, the schedule, and everything else in between. Our schedule for the most part during the 10 days is consistent, with only a few days modified in between when they need to emphasize or de-emphasize certain parts of the course.

Our course schedule daily was as follows:

4:00 AM - Wake Up and Get Ready
4:30 - 6:30 AM - Meditate in the Meditation Hall or in your residence
6:30 - 8:00 AM - Breakfast and Rest
8:00 - 9:00 AM - Group Meditation
9:00 - 11:00 AM - Meditate in the Meditation Hall or in your residence, per teacher's instructions
11:00 - 12:00 PM - Lunch and Rest
12:00 - 1:30 PM - Interviews with Teacher and Rest
1:30 - 2:30 PM - Group Meditation
2:30 - 5:00 PM - Meditate in the Meditation Hall or in your residence, per teacher's instructions
5:00 - 6:00 PM - Tea Break and Rest
6:00 - 7:00 PM - Group Meditation
7:00 - 8:15 PM - Discourse
8:15 - 9:00 PM - Group Meditation
9:00 - 9:15 PM - Questions with Teacher and Rest
10:00 PM - Lights Out

An alarm clock can be borrowed for the course and clocks were displayed in the Dining Hall, Dormitory, and the room just outside the Meditation Hall. I decided to borrow an alarm clock as I was in a tent, so I can easily tell the time without having to walk out of my tent, especially in the morning when I wake up or when I meditate or rest in the tent. We didn't have to set the alarms for certain events, including the wake up bell, meals and group meditation and discourse. A gong was sounded for those events, either by volunteers who serve and also meditate during the course (for meals), the course manager (for group meditation), and a volunteer student (for the wake up bell). The schedule seemed intimidating at first, but it is also posted in the same common areas and after several days, one essentially ends up memorizing the said schedule (I just typed the schedule above from memory, as the schedule is still fresh from my mind, just having finished the course as of writing).

After the pre-course meeting, a question and answer was held. I asked how we would know what event a certain gong ring would be for, and was told "Oh, you will know" with a smile. She was right. After going through the course, we would know pretty much what each gong ring was for, based on the sequence of events for the day.

After the meeting, we were told we could attend to whatever we need and start retiring to our residences. I did so pretty early, as I knew we had an early day ahead of us (early days, in fact).

Days 1-3

I heard the sound of a gong at 4:00 am, as expected. I was actually up before the sound on most days given I usually wake up automatically after about 7 hours of sleep, and since we slept around 9:00 PM, I would wake up on or before that time. Another thing that would wake me up is the need to pee due to the cold weather, and maybe just due to my regular zest for hydrating all day. This is when I was envious of the dormitories, where one can just wake up and walk to the end of the hall for the restroom rather than me, who has to put all the necessary layers on due to the cold, get out of the tent, walk the trails down (my tent was about a 5 minute walk up hill from the meditation hall and restroom).

For the first few days, I did the morning meditation at 4:30 am and surprisingly lasted to do two hours of meditation until the breakfast gong would ring. For the latter days, I decided to go back to my tent and recoup some much needed sleep, on nights where I had a hard time sleeping. It rained for two consecutive nights and two other nights had biting cold (thank goodness for my 15 to 30 degree rated sleeping bag, which saved the day). The thing thought that kept me up on some nights was the sound of an animal or animals sniffing around my tent and clawing on the side of my tent (and this is where I'm not sure it was my imagination that was getting the best of me). I asked the course manager about animals in the camp, and he did say there most probably are raccoons, coyotes (which we heard howling on certain nights). There could be bears he said, but very rare. I don't know to this day which animals those were on about two or three nights that it occurred, or whether my imagination got the best of me.

Breakfast would also be sounded by a gong at 6:30 am. Our breakfast consisted of choices of hot oatmeal, fruits, cereals, toast and a plethora of things such as jam, peanut butter, almonds, miso (?), tahini (?). Instant coffee which I used to make two cups of coffee a day was my choice for the hot drink, but there were several choices for tea such as english tea, chai tea, lemon ginger tea, chamomile tea, and green tea. Breakfast was eaten in silence, with noble silence in effect. Noble silence also involved not making eye contact or gestures, so in times of eating it was advantageous to eat at nooks where we would face a wall or a window looking outside. For tables where one would sit across another it was almost a game of avoiding eye contact while still eating one's food.

The group meditations for the first few days focused on Anapana meditation, where we closed our eyes and breathed normally, while paying attention to our breathing from the bottom of our nostrils to the top of the nose. This allowed us to start off by focusing on this for the entire hour. It was hard and tough for me on the first day. Going from a few minutes of meditation to three to six sittings with 1-2 hours of meditation was a big leap and I felt overwhelmed. I quickly realized that the meditations where we had the choice to meditate in our residences was a chance to take a break, whether completely, or to meditate only partially, in our tents or rooms. It comforted me to know that I wasn't the only one who would do this. Several other meditators would snooze off the 4:30 - 6:30 AM meditation, go to their residences when given the option from 9:00 - 11:00 AM and 1:00 - 2:30 PM and 3:30 to 5:00 PM. This made me focus more on the quality of the meditations and to prepare myself mentally during the required group sittings, which were from 8:00 - 9:00 AM, 2:30 - 3:30 PM, 6:00 - 9:00 PM (including the discourse).

On the third night was our last night of Anapana meditation, before we went to the actual Vipassana meditation.

We were practicing Anapana meditation, which required us to observe our respiration from the bottom of the nostrils to the top of the nose. I was deep into the meditation, about 45 minutes into the one hour group sitting, when suddenly I visualized three streams of light coming from above and hitting the center of my forehead. It started and kept drilling into my forehead and due to my surprise and my uncertainty of what is happening, I started leaning back as if hesitant to take in these three drilling lights. I fell out of my meditation bench and awoke, shouting "Oh, Shit!." I quickly realized the folly of what I have done as I broken the practice of noble silence, in a hall full of meditators and our male and female teachers, at that. I quickly closed my eyes and covered myself again with the shawl I used for the cold, hoping no one actually heard me or saw me fall.

After a few moments of my eyes closing I heard someone whisper to me, "Are you okay? Do you need to go out for fresh air?". I opened my eyes partially and saw it was Foster, the course manager. I told him that I was okay and thanked him and closed my eyes again. The time before we finished that hour of group sitting felt like the longest in my life. We hit the break before the discourse. Thank goodness for noble silence, so there was no talk about what just happened. I did approach the male teacher who sat in front, next to the female teacher. I quickly apologized "for the commotion", not explicitly mentioning my cussing, which he most probably heard. He said, "It's okay. It happens." I was relieved. Some thoughts that swirled in my head after I fell and cussed were that I would get expelled from the course immediately, for breaking noble silence, and for shouting an obscenity in a meditation hall, on top of that. I also wondered whether I would have gotten my friend Mindy in trouble, having referred me to the course. Thank goodness neither of those problems actually occurred.

The discourse after the 6:00 - 7:00 PM group meditation and break is a video discourse. We would watch a video of S.N. Goenka talking about what we have done for the day and what to expect for the day or days after. Goenka was a gifted narrator. He was thankfully not monotone sounding, and although his accent would be thick at times for certain words, he was easily understood and captivating for most of the one hour or so of the discourse. He would pepper his discourse with humorous stories and examples to get his point across. The videos shown were him from a 1991 recording. I was disappointed to learn that he had passed away a few years ago. I have a feeling he lived a long and very well lived life, however.

I was always glad by the time we reached the discourse. We were all just relaxed, watching the videos. Some would be tired by the time, laying back or sometimes putting their head down (maybe the older students who have heard him before?). The group of men and women would also laugh at Goenka's humorous stories. I chose to smile and laugh silently. I wonder if laughing broke noble silence, I thought to myself. I asked this to my friend Mindy later on, and I was not surprised to hear it's okay of course to laugh (even his recording contained audio of the audience laughing in the background).

We would do another meditation after the discourse, with a break in between the two. After that, students are available to approach the teachers to ask questions. I would usually be tired by then and retire to my tent almost immediately, after using the restroom facilities for the last time before retiring for the night.

Days 4-7

If you thought like I thought that Vipassana meditation would be all about sitting cross legged and a feel good vibration after, we both are unfortunately mistaken. Vipassana meditation for our four daily group sittings from Days 4 to completion require continuous sitting, with strong determination to maintain our postures and even ideally not move at all throughout the one hour, with eyes totally closed also throughout the one hour.

Sitting for one hour in one posture is uncomfortable, if not painful, no matter what your position or posture, even if you sat in a chair. I experienced this first hand as I desperately tried to practice "strong determination" for the next several days, and I miserably failed. It was only on the 7th day where I broke through and actually sat in the same posture (and I "think" not moved at all, or barely, if at all). It took a lot of mental fortitude as my leg muscles were pulsating and vibrating on the last 15 minutes and my feet felt like they were not getting a drip of blood circulating in. I desperately was waiting for the chant that Goenka would start verbalizing towards the last 10-15 minutes of that one hour meditation. That was the cue that the end of the continuous sitting was almost done. I made it on the night of my 7th day! I was so ecstatic and happy!

I did have to hold back on it a little as the other component of Vipassana meditation was equanimity. At that point, we were no longer focusing on our breathing. We were scanning our body, from head to toe, for sensations. Sensations would be anything from a cool sensation, feeling the air filter hitting my face or heat from the blanket or clothes. It could also be anything like supernatural sensations, some of which I had at certain nights. The first night he asked us to scan for sensations, I felt what felt like several spiders crawling from the top of my head to the bottom of my head. What was more freaky about that was he described that one could feel that as an example AFTER I had just felt it! I felt freaked out again like the time that the spirals of light drilled through the top of my head the other night. I didn't ask the teacher about this out though until the last day of interviews. I thought to myself I didn't want to be thought of as crazy and locked in a psychiatric ward (an exaggeration, of course). It was somewhat comforting to hear Goenka describe supernatural sensations and examples of some meditators feeling it, like a nuclear missile scientist who was standing and flailing about due to all that sankara (bad juju, as one might say).

One would think each day gets easier, and it does to an extent. But the way that the course sometimes deviates from the normal schedule is what throws one into a loop. So it does get easier, but I have to say that I did feel hopeless about the continuous sitting until I did it for the first time on the 7th night. I didn't expect to do three continuous sittings a day, so I just opted to attempt one a day and allow myself not to beat myself mentally if I can't do the other sittings continuously.

Another concept of Vipassana meditation that feels different from other meditations is the concept of equanimity. When we encounter a sensation, we have to tell ourselves to only observe it. We are not supposed to crave good sensations (cool or warm sensations) or have aversions for bad sensations (pain, heat). We are training our mind not to have cravings or aversions, as those lead to misery, per the beliefs. Cravings and aversions lead to misery, and we are training our deepest unconscious and subconscious mind to observe sensations and that will in turn release sankaras (cravings for bad things such as alcohol, food or aversions to difficult situations).

Equanimity is something that is easily said and done. As I mentioned, I came into this thinking meditation was a blissful experience. I was using iPhone apps like Calm and Headspace to meditate and those are the types of meditation which just focus on the positive, none of the negative. It is easy to say not to like good sensations, but it is human nature to like good things and to have aversions to bad things.

Day 7-10

After we have somewhat mastered continuous sitting and equanimity, we are given instructions to slightly modify the technique. Instead of just going from head to toe, they have added instructions to go from toe to head for observing sensations. Another day they would add having us scan equal points from top to bottom and bottom to top (both shoulders, hands, etc at the same time). Another day would have us scan "en masse" if we feel a free flow of sensations. I never experienced the free flow explicitly but I experienced it subtly. I thought the "en masse" was a quick snapshot of our bodies and listing and going through all the sensations one by one, but was corrected to the previous description after an interview with the teacher.

The last methods involved "piercing" blind areas where we don't feel any sensations, from front to back, and from side to side. It also described scanning our spinal chord for any sensations, and talked about pure dissolution of the body, as if feeling that our whole bodies melted. I don't think any of the meditators in our male group felt such a thing. It felt like something advanced that only a meditator of several years would accomplish.

I did feel one last type of supernatural sensation on our last day. On our last full day, Day 10, we were given a "restorative" meditation technique that only should be done 5-10 minutes. I'm a bit hazy on what's involved but when we've done it's mostly listening to a chant of Goenka in an unknown language (which most of his chants are). On Day 10, I felt my mind on fire, in a good way and feel like the sankaras were small bits of light leaving my mind, which was a good thing. It also felt odd, but the last few group sittings I didn't feel any more sensations to observe. It was also odd that my last continuous sitting I didn't feel any pain in my legs despite the continuous posture. I don't know whether to ascribe it though to having gotten used to it or maybe my stomach's bloated feeling preoccupying my mind more during the entire time. It was normal by the way to hear stomach rumblings throughout the group meditation (as well as coughs, sneezes and ahems). I've learned thankfully to empty my stomach and bladder before each group sitting, so I've had only maybe one or two sessions where I felt like my stomach was making unwanted sounds embarrassingly. Also, thankfully, with noble silence (and shared empathy), meditators usually ignore said sounds (unless it was a really loud obnoxious fart, for example, which was a test of maturity not to smile or chuckle).

At 10:00 AM of Day 10, noble silence ended. This was a wave of relief for all meditators are 9 days of noble silence was difficult (even for someone like me, whom I consider to be an ambivert, but even an introvert would find noble silence difficult, I would think). Immediately after noble silence would be broken, meals would definitely be back to where people can converse. People started sharing their experiences immediately. Different from the first night that I hesitated to talk, I now felt great to make eye contact and talk my heart out. We all shared our experiences and challenges. We all had one more day technically (Day 11 was breakfast and cleanup), but we all knew we had accomplished what we set out to do. I heard from some that there were a few people that did leave the course at the start and at the middle. It wasn't recommended to leave the course, but I wasn't too surprised to find out that some people did so.

Day 11

I volunteered for the Dining Hall cleanup after breakfast, after which most people parted (assuming they finished their cleanup). The meditation center runs on donations and service from volunteers to maintain the facilities. There are only two positions that paid stipends, one to manage the facility and one to coordinate the kitchen management. The cost of the course was $220 per student, according to a list of frequently asked questions. No forced charges are made to any students. We were free to technically donate any amount that we wanted, from nothing to having the sky as the limit. I decided to cover the course amount plus an added amount ($300, to be exact), since they don't have "suggested donations".

I finished the course but am now processing the next steps on what to do out of what I've learned. I have decided to stay vegetarian for now as I have survived 10 days of that and felt healthy because of the lost weight. I still have to decide whether to continue the recommended practice of doing a one hour meditation in the morning and a one hour meditation at night. Goenka also recommends attending a 10 day course every year as a refresher, a one hour weekly sitting with others, and serving as a volunteer for a 10 day course to pay it forward.

Vipassana definitely demands a lot of time and attention, but I could definitely see the benefits of it. I just have to process what I have learned and understand and commit to it, so as not to have "blind devotion" to it, as Goenka warned us not to have for it. He did say to feel free to accept what we accept out of it, and set aside temporarily what we don't accept. He also recommends trying the daily meditations and other suggestions for a year at least and give the technique a fair trial in order to see one's results.

Regardless of whether I decide to practice it going forward, I definitely am thankful for the experience of this course and I can definitely say that it has affected me and changed me, in a good way hopefully. If you are worried that I am brainwashed or will be smiling incessantly (and for no good cause) all the time when I meet you next time, don't be worried. I am still the same person that I was, to an extent. I just now have a meditation technique to lean on when I need it.

Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu!

The Top 5 FB Personalities

2013-10-30T07:06:00.003-07:00

A lot of articles have been written about how to use Facebook ("FB" for some, in short handed writing). Some articles tell you what to post and what not to post. Some articles tell you what's an annoying post and a not so annoying post. Some articles talk about how good and useful Facebook is, while some talk about how detrimental it is to society and how it's actually make people less sociable.

This article or blog post isn't about any of that. If it isn't obvious enough, I am an avid user of Facebook. I post at least once a day, sometimes more if there are more things to capture and/or share. I use Facebook to document my life, and use it as my virtual scrapbook, but also to augment my existing real friendships and keep up with friends and family who are located farther away from where I am.

This article is just a casual look, and an amateur's take on the different personalities in Facebook. Please take note before I describe each and every one of these that I don't actually mind the different types of personalities in Facebook. It pretty much mirrors the outside world, so if I can't stand it in the virtual world, I'm pretty much in trouble in the real world.

#1. "Poster Child"
While I post in Facebook once or twice a day (not including tags, comments, likes, or people posting on my own wall), users that I like to call "Poster Child" post several times a day, in the range of 5-10 posts. They actually make Facebook more dynamic, since if everybody posts only daily or weekly, then FB would be a virtual wasteland. Mark Zuckerberg probably likes the "Poster Child" the most because they are one of the most active types of users in FB. The only downside I see to this type of user is that they can at times clutter the News Feed to the point of making one miss other FB friends' posts.
A "Poster Child" also needs to understand that given they post so many times a day that they can't expect the same amount of likes as a FB user who only posts once a day, once a week, or someone who only posts big life events like marriages, relationship status changes, or new jobs. And since a "Poster Child" posts several times a day they risk getting their most meaningful life events or stories lost within their other trivial posts of them drinking coffee at Starbucks or eating their subway sandwich. There is also a danger of getting "un-friended" or less catastrophic, getting their posts hidden in their FB friends' news feed.

#2. "Like-ness Monster"
Who doesn't getting a like when they make a post about an accomplishment, a new job, a new relationship, or even a post that someone think is witty or funny for that matter? Everyone likes a "like". However, some FB users do take it to an extreme where they hand out a "like" like there's no tomorrow (pun intended). While this doesn't clutter up the News Feed, it doesn't clutter the "Close Friends" News Feed if you are listed as somebody's close friend on their "Close Friends" list (if you don't know what a "Close Friends" list is, you're not an expert stalker... er, Facebook user).
I have to admit that I do click "like" crazily when all my runner friends are doing a popular race, just like the most recent Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco. But I make it the exception more than the rule. If you want to be removed from someone's "Close Friends" list, unintentionally or not, the best way to probably do it is to click the "like" button and give away likes like a very good neighbor giving out tons of candy during Halloween.

#3. "The Ghost"
This user is active on Facebook, but you won't be able to tell. Well, sometimes you can tell if they choose to go online on Facebook Chat whenever they log on to Facebook, but otherwise, you don't even see any activity from this person at all. No post. No like. No comment. Nothing whatsoever. These are the type of users who just like to sit and watch their FB user friends posts about their lives while refusing to join in sharing any part of theirs. I don't personally mind having these types of users, but if you think about it, it's only a one way street.
These types of users also risk getting "un-friended", most especially by the "Poster Child" or the "Like-ness Monster" (because they're thinking it's useless to have a FB friend who doesn't like or comment on their posts, which have some merit in them). As long as "The Ghost" understands this risk, they can do as they please in my opinion.

#4. "The Gamer"
The FB "Gamer" only uses Facebook so they can play games like "Candy Crush Saga" or "Farmville." They don't really use FB that much, if at all. The only posts you'll see from them is when they finish a certain level on a game they're playing or when they're asking for a "life" on "Candy Crush" (no pun intended). You'll probably get a lot of game invites from this type of FB user, and if you don't know how to turn off notifications or automatically filter them, these types of requests can be annoying if you don't play those types of games either. I know of at least FB friend who has threatened to "un-friend" anyone who sends one more game request. Not sure if the threats were ever carried out, but it might be more realistic if one just adjusts their notification settings or their app settings to filter out FB game related requests.

#5. "The Whiner, not the Winner"
Whining is probably going to happen at one point for any FB user. Just like in the real world, we will all have our down days. But what can be annoying is reading constant complaints in the virtual world. Whether one realizes it or not, each of our posts can affect other FB users either positively or negatively. If you want to test out this theory, just post something political (whether you're on the left, center, or right) and see the amount of response that you get.
Whiners also get a risk of their posts hidden in the News Feed of their FB friends, or getting un-friended.

So there you have it, my take on the Top 5 Facebook Personalities. I have not yet taken the extreme of un-friending anyone, and although I've hidden some posts from time to time, that was it. There was one user that I blocked because their posts were not safe for public viewing, but I could have taken the less drastic step of just hiding them from my news feed.

Again, I have no qualms on any of these FB personalities. I just wanted to write about them from a hopefully entertaining perspective and to exercise my writing abilities. I hope you enjoyed this blog post if you got this far, and please do like my post or comment on my blog if you like my writing!

Stinson Beach 50K - Race Report

2013-10-27T06:17:00.002-07:00

"It's okay. You've already done a 50K. You have nothing to prove. You can turn around, and call it a day, and no one will fault you for it." This is what I was telling myself as I was climbing the Steep Ravine Trail steps for a second time in the 25K loop course of Pacific Coast Trail Run's Stinson Beach 50K.

October 26th, 2013. 7:00 AM. My friend Jennifer Stringham and I arrived very early at Stinson Beach, 15 minutes before the start of the bib pickup time. I told her I usually like being early compared to being late. I've especially learned this lesson when I arrived for the Mount Hamilton "Trail Hog" Half Marathon late, and started 15 minutes after everyone has already started. Not a really good way to start a race (even though I eventually caught up with some of the back of the pack runners back then).

We picked up the bib (no timing chip for this race, not sure if that's a common practice for Pacific Coast Trail Run, but I'm guessing they do it to save costs since it's a small scale running company). We then proceeded back to our car to keep ourselves warm. A great idea since the outside temperature at that point was 45F. I put on a thick sweater and my track pants which I should have worn to begin with in hindsight.

The other runners started trickling in to the parking lot at Stinson Beach. We saw Coach Karen Peterson, the trail running coach for Run 365's fall program, training all of us for the North Face Endurance Challenge and the recent Golden Hills Trail Marathon/Dick Collins Firetrails 50 Mile Race. We saw Coach Lauri, the overall training program coordinator for Run 365. I saw my fellow pacer from last season's San Francisco Marathon Training Program Dolores Noonan, who I believe is running her first trail race, although she's run the trails several times previous to the race. I saw one of my pacees Christine Too from last season's training program, who's doing second trail race and her first 25K. Other Run 365 folks doing the race were Christina Luini and Vicki Stronge, who were both doing the 25K as well, and Pen Perez, who was the only other one I knew from our team doing the 50K. On the SF Tri side, I saw Andria Bouskous, but only during the actual race, when she caught up with me after the start of the 37K, which started 10 minutes later than the 50K runners. Nathan Rapheld also ran the race, but I haven't met him yet, so I didn't notice where he is/was at all points of the race.

We started around 8:35 AM, a few minutes delayed because there was a pre-race discussion for new trail runners (which I think was great, and should be something done for all trail races). One of the quotes I won't forget from the pre-race discussion was "You stop running the hills once it looks stupid." I agree whole heartedly with this quote. There are so many runners new to trails who insist on running the hills, even the super steep ones, because they think that if they start walking or hiking it that it doesn't qualify as a trail run (which is hog wash, I say).

We started off the paved road, just a few hundred feet from the actual start of the trailhead for Dipsea. The course was slightly modified so we don't have to run through the roads as much, and more for safety of the runners. I wasn't sure even to the very start of the race whether I was going to run it in "race mode", where I run at about 80-90% effort, trying to beat my time at last year's North Face Endurance Challenge 50K, or "training mode", where I just run at about 60-70% effort, very relaxed, and just to do the mileage. I decided to run at race mode and beat last year's time of 8:04:24. I didn't beat it, suffice to say (more on that later), but I'm still very proud of myself as I crossed that finish line later on.

I was very glad that I ran up and down the Dipsea trail several weeks ago, to mimic the "Double Dipsea" race and to break up the scenery of my trail runs. I was already too familiar with the Golden Hills Trail Marathon course, and the Marin Headlands portion of the North Face Endurance Challenge course. At that time, I ran the Double Dipsea course to give myself some new "eye candy" for my trail runs, and it was some heavy eye candy. It also helped me tremendously for this course as I remembered the parts of Dipsea that I've ran previously, which also helped my mental game and my strategy of fast hiking up hill and running the down hills and flats.

What was new to me for this course was Steep Ravine, which I encountered just a few miles in when it diverged from Dipsea. Steep Ravine Trail was beautiful, but very technical and well, very steep. It also had a ladder which you had to climb. I was imagining a 30-50 foot ladder which was anchored precariously and at an 80-90 degree angle, but when my friend Pen showed me a picture of it a few weeks ago, I was comforted with the fact that it was an easy climb. I wanted to stop and take pictures of the Steep Ravine Trail but I decided it wasn't time to do so, especially since I was in race mode.

I arrived to my delight at the aid station of Cardiac Hill, about 5 miles into the run. I only had strawberry banana gu gels with me as fuel and was planning to eat at the aid stations to break the 31 mile run into segments. I already downed a gel about 2 miles into the Dipsea climb, when I started feeling light headed. My strategy that day was like Golden Hills. I only ate a banana for breakfast to keep my stomach light and I would consume food as I ran. It worked well for Golden Hills but somehow it didn't mesh with this course and race. When I arrived at the Cardiac Hill Aid station, I ate a handful of potato chips for the salt, drank a cup of electrolytes, and started my descent along Coastal View Trail.

Coastal View Trail was a downhill descent of about 4 miles. I forgot how beautiful it was and I forgot I had even ran along this course (which looked different, because last year, I ran up it instead of down it). The clouds were a spectacular sight, beneath the mountains and hills, and I can even see Mount Sutro Tower from a distance. I knew I wasn't supposed to take a picture but I ended up taking two pictures during my run down. I'm sure it took about 5 minutes of my time, but at that point, I also had to keep on letting the faster runners descend down Coastal View Trail, and a certain point, a group of close to 10 of them were running in tandem, so I let them by as I admired the view and backdrop of the trail.

Next up was Heather Cutoff. It was a constant zig zag, thankfully it was a descent more of an ascent. I recognize this course was we ran it uphill last year as part of training for NFEC. It was cut out of the course though due to the weather, but like Dipsea, having run this part of the course helped me as I ran down it. I did have to give way again to several faster runners, which took some time from me. I didn't mind though as I don't like the feeling of having another runner running so close behind me, especially one who's probably thinking I should move aside without giving any verbal cues whatsoever.

After Heather Cutoff, it was a flat run back through Redwood Creek Trail, and the next aid station at Muir Woods Road popped up. I was thankful as I needed the water at my hydration pack refilled. There was about a quarter left out of the 1.5 liter bag. I ate a handful of potato chips and some plain pretzels. Coach Karen Peterson, who was running the 37K, caught up at that point and zipped through the aid station. I caught up with her as we both fast hiked back up Dipsea Trail. I was thinking then that I'd pace with her for the rest of the first loop of the 25K course, but I was surprised to see that I was fast hiking at a faster pace, so we briefly chatted and I forged on. I saw a runner with an Ironman Lake Tahoe finisher shirt, clearly labeled at the back of her shirt. I smiled, as I stupidly signed up for that race for next year (and it's still not sold out as of writing). I never chatted with her, but it was inspiring to run with someone who had finished that difficult Full Ironman course.

Going up Dipsea wasn't difficult but it was slow. I saw the aid station at the top of Cardiac Hill again, for the second time (I would have to cross it two more times, after this, for the second loop). I chose a bit sized hummus wrap, thanked the volunteers again, and proceeded to go up Matt Davis Trail. This trail was the beginning of my undoing.

Matt Davis was a steep single track run up hill, with some flat running in between. What made it difficult for me was it reminded me how scared of heights I was. There was room for about one and a half runners on the trail, and it felt like you were running at the side of a mountain 1500 feet above the ground, except you really were doing that. I ran as close as I can at the right side of the trail, stopping or walking when another runner or hiker would come from the opposite direction.

Somewhere between miles 10-12, I stumbled and fell. I must have tripped over a rock. Luckily, I was running at a slow jog. Otherwise, it would have been a race ending (and even season ending injury). I had both of my hands scuffed slightly as I braced the fall. I pulled my left calf muscle and cramped. I debated for a quick minute if I should sit still and keep on lying down. I quickly brought myself up though as I cursed myself through the cramp. I can't remain lying down as the trail was still single track at that point. I stood for a good 5-10 minutes maybe. I quickly downed 2 gu gels to help with the cramp. My right chest and shoulder also bothered me. This was it, I thought to myself. I can probably finish the 25K loop, but I can't fathom doing the whole loop all over again in my condition. After I decided I'm okay enough to run again, I did so, but I ran much slower and walked in parts.

I saw the mile marker saying it was 2.2 miles from the trail head to Stinson Beach from this part of Matt Davis trail. Whoever wrote that trail head was probably talking about the vertical distance. That was the longest 2.2 miles of my life as I made the descent. It was several steps, which wasn't helpful for my left calf, and I was feeling my hamstrings complain on my right leg as I was using it more to accommodate for my left leg problems.

I then proceeded through the part of Matt Davis trail where it was a winding downhill, but there were so much leaves strewn about that it still slowed me down, as it could be covering rocks beneath it. I swear it almost looked like the forest threw an awesome party and forgot to clean up after itself. After what seemed like an eternity, I saw Highway 1 again and then saw the next aid station near the Start/Finish, but not quite. I decided to switch my hydration to pure electrolytes, as I was feeling depleted nutritionally and I still had a long way to go. It was also getting quite warm. I believe the weather at that point was mid 70s.

I asked the volunteer at the aid station where the nearest restroom was, and he said probably near the start/finish. I didn't even dare to go to the Start/Finish, as I would end my race right then and there. It would be too much mentally to see it and then go back for the second loop. That would feel too much like last year's NFEC, where two guys with their arms criss crossed gave me a "No" head sway and pointed back out to the course for a final six mile loop. Only this time, it would be 15.5 miles more.

Another runner came through the aid station. I later learned her name was Jessica, and she asked if she could drop down to a 37K. The volunteer didn't know. I entertained the same thought in my head as I went back up Dipsea with her. We kept each other company for pretty much the duration of the second loop, which was comforting. It was nice to have somebody sympathizing with your struggles. She was dealing with an ankle problem.

On the second ascent up Steep Ravine steps, my right hamstrings started screaming at me. This was the point of the race where I stopped and checked my iPhone. 4 hours and 30 minutes. I had a pulled calf muscle and now my right hamstrings are giving me problems. I was maybe 2-3 miles in on the second loop, but as I was doing my calculations, I didn't even know if I would make the cutoff now, even if I persisted through it. This was the make it or break it point of my race. I was severely close to turning around and calling it a day. I thought to myself that I had already done a 50K, and I was in no shape to continue. I had a 50 mile race which is my goal race, and I don't know if persisting through this would be smart.

I then decided to continue. My rational for this is this is where I am mentally being tested. If I am to do a 50 miler, I am sure I will hit a point where I will be physically worn down and will decide whether to continue or not. I decided that as long as there was no sharp pain, I can continue. I didn't want to let any of my friends down too who knew I was running the 50K that day. That, and the fact that I'm fricking stubborn! I did walk through an IT band injury for my first marathon. This was a close second to that.

From then on, I still stuck to my strategy of going aid station by aid station. If at any point, I felt that I shouldn't continue, then I would stop.

The second loop felt actually faster, as I had no runners breathing down my neck behind me. I think I even ran faster down Coastal View that time. I probably walked uphill a lot slower though, but I was okay with that. At a certain point, when I crossed the aid station for the fourth time, I knew I had it in the bag. Of course, knowing that the last trail I had to run was Matt Davis, certainty of finishing is still doubtful.

I must have walked a majority of Matt Davis for the second loop, especially the parts where I was felt I was high above the ground. I didn't even dare look to my left like the first time. I even felt scared walking as I knew I could lose my balance any minute due to my leg issues.

On the descent with the Matt Davis steps, I saw the sweeper and I thought that might have been the end of it. He did say though that we will still finish. I checked my iPhone and cursed myself for not asking him what the time was. I had no idea now how long I have until the 9 hour cutoff. Although we only had 1-2 miles left, it still felt like an eternity going down, maybe even longer than eternity if that was possible.

To my surprise, the sweeper said there were TWO runners behind me. I knew one of them was Jessica, but I wondered who the other runner. At first I thought it was my friend Pen who ran the 50K, who I thought might have been injured because I never saw her since the start. I then saw after he was only twenty feet behind me that it was another runner. He must have been injured because he looked like he was in better shape than me (he was probably hiding a six pack, which I think he should have flaunted for the whole world, including me, to see).

The three of us ran to the finish. Six pack was still way behind. It was pretty much a horse race between me and Jessica, especially when I caught up with her at Highway 1. I had a feeling she didn't want to be beat. I didn't feel like being competitive, so I just ran a few feet behind her and I finished second to dead last.

8 hours, 47 minutes later, I finished another hard race. This course is more technical than NFEC. In fact, I estimate it's 70-80% technical, compared to last year's NFEC (albeit modified), which was almost 0% technical because of the omission of the Muir Woods course. No PR for me, but I'm glad to have finished.

I'm walking with a limp as of the morning after, but I limp with a smile on my face. Six weeks left until the NFEC 50 Mile Race!

2010 In Retrospect

2010-12-31T07:12:00.000-08:00

Before I even concoct any New Year's Resolution for 2011, I thought it would be good to remember dear old 2010 and think of what went good, great, not so good, and not so great.

Health is Wealth. It seems like eons ago when I was at the prime of my life. I was 20 pounds close to my ideal BMI. I ran a half marathon. I was eating right. Most importantly, I looked good! That was 2-3 years ago. Now, I'm close to 50 pounds heavier than my prime. I can probably not even walk a 5k without huffing and puffing. I'm beginning to eat healthier again by making George Foreman's Grilling Machine my friend again and cereal and soy milk my breakfast. And what's worse is health wise, my ALT/AST has quadrupled its normal levels. ALT/AST measures the amount of enzymes the liver releases when damaged, so it's not a good thing. I'm not sickly to a point that I can't do normal things, but I do feel fatigued, maybe due to that but maybe more due to my being overweight.

Another Day Another Dollar. Work is "okay". I can't complain because there are still a lot of people out of work, some of them very close friends who are very smart and capable but just caught in the worst labor market in decades. While I might have other colleagues or friends who I still envy from time to time who are back to their previous type of jobs and compensation, I still consider myself fortunate to at least have a job. My ego's still bruised I must admit from having to start at the bottom again career wise, but my employer is supposedly secure (although I question that given how things are going all over the country). I did pass my probation at work after one year of service, so that is also a milestone by itself. Twenty four more years to go if I want to get a good pension, assuming they haven't changed the rules by then.

I love and hate poker. I have been playing poker for a decade now, on and off. There are days where I truly love the game and I wish I can play it every day and just make it my job like the Phil Hellmuths, Daniel Negreanu, and Phil Iveys of the world. An example of that was when I got to play in one of my biggest tournaments ever, the North American Poker Tour at the Bicycle Casino in Gardena, California. It was truly a big tournament as I saw a lot of well known poker players, and also poker players who I should have known if I read all the poker news out there. I lasted one full day playing a high stakes tournament and I already consider that a big accomplishment. It boosted my ego for tournament play for a while but it was brought down to earth by not having any success in other tournaments afterwards. I still consider myself a cash games player more than a tournament player, but I still dream of winning a "big one". Big enough to truly just live off my winnings and maybe travel the world while playing even bigger tournaments.

Stars and Stripes. This is the year I became an American citizen. It was bitter sweet for me as I had to renounce my Filipino citizenship in doing so. I know that dual citizenship is possible but I think it is a disservice to both countries to just take advantage of one when you need a specific benefit from being its citizen. I do know our Governator Arnie is a dual citizen, but I don't think about it at this point. Having lived a decade in the United States, I looked forward to having the right to vote, which I eagerly did for the June Primary and the November Elections. I haven't been called for jury duty yet, but I actually want to at least be able to experience doing that once as well.

Travel Bug. I love to travel. If money weren't an object, I would have probably visited every nook and cranny on this earth. Unfortunately, money is an object, so I only got to visit Los Angeles and Las Vegas a few times this year and my farthest trip was to New York and Connecticut. I want to visit a new country next year, and with my being an American citizen now, I am glad that it is easier than it was when I was just a Permanent Resident. My thoughts are to go to either London or Canada, but if I am to go back to my thrifty ways I might have to postpone it for one more year at least.

So there it is, my review of 2010. Not so bad, but of course one always hopes things turned out better in hindsight.

Happy 2011. I hope the New Year brings a better year for all of us!

On Facebook and Privacy

2010-05-11T07:04:00.000-07:00

I love and hate facebook at the same time.

I love being able to make connections with family and friends, especially those outside the United States, because it would cost an arm and a leg (maybe two legs even) if I opted to use the phone and make long distance calls to catch up.

I love seeing photos, witty status updates, and just getting the "pulse" of my network on what is currently on their mind, such as the recently held Philippines elections for example.

I hate the constant app invites. I don't like to clutter my facebook account with apps, not to mention open up my facebook account to be compromised by games or "free" apps which pull in my facebook profile information. I don't really need to see whether a facebook friend is level 99 in mafia wars either. The surprising thing is, I think I've hidden over 50 different types of app updates, yet a new one still seems to pop up every day. I feel like I'm playing "whack a mole" in hiding them.

I do not like the direction of privacy for Facebook. I tolerate it for now, but Facebook seems to be want to really throw out your information out there. I'm comfortable sharing status updates and information with family and friends, even some acquaintances, but anything that's available to just anyone who searches me on Facebook is not what I signed up for.

So that's it. That's my love/hate relationship with Facebook. I'm exploring alternatives right now. Maybe just moving all my status updates to my protected twitter account, or moving to Google's Orkut (it's Google's version of Facebook). I'm not pulling the plug yet (I'm not even sure if that's an easy thing, based on what I've been reading), but I'm taking it a day at a time to see what other brouhaha is going on with Facebook's privacy policy.

On South Beach

2010-05-05T05:06:00.000-07:00

I am on day 11 on South Beach, and I have to say that I am a fan at this point. I have lost 10 pounds in 1 1/2 weeks, and while I do miss some types of carbs (ice cream is my kryptonite), I do not miss the excess weight. And I already feel the difference in energy levels! Of course, I have yet to translate that into exercise. I do exercise at least once a week, walking on the weekend for 1-2 miles.

South Beach Pros:
* I eat more veggies. South Beach forces me to eat 1/2 cup of veggies for breakfast (I use mushrooms for an omelette), 2 cups of veggies for lunch and dinner (I've eaten lettuce day and night the past 2 weeks, but I'm trying to switch it up by buying celery and cucumber this week). I do not hate veggies, but I normally don't go out of my way to buy and/or eat them. With South Beach, this is where I get my carbs, so this is crucial.
* I eat lean protein. I used to think low carb meant a license to eat any meat/fish, prepared in any form, as long as it doesn't have any carbs (bread crumbs or sweet sauces). South Beach doesn't even allow me to eat chicken thighs or drumsticks, or pork chops unless they're loin pork chops. Bacon too is not allowed unless it's turkey bacon or canadian bacon.

South Beach Cons:
* Adjusting to life without carbs. It takes time to adjust to a new way of doing things. I have to say, the first 2 days of this diet has been the most challenging. This is where I feel my body craving for carbs, and the temptation was great to go back to regular eating. A daily weigh in with great results kept me in track. It may sound obsessive, but a daily weigh in I do believe is better rather than waiting a whole week to see what happened. This way, it is easier and quicker to do a course correction if you've been bad one day or two.
* Higher grocery bill. Buying leaner protein is more expensive. For pork chops, loin pork chops are 4 dollars a pound compared to 1.50 dollars a pound for just the regular cut. I can't even find 96% lean ground beef if I wanted to. And seafood, of course, is usually 6-7 dollars per pound where I live.

So far so good. The hardest part of these diets is eating out and eating during gatherings and parties. I just have to follow the South Beach mantra and pick my food wisely. No more calorie counting for now.

The most realistic portion of South Beach for me is that it does allow you to reintroduce carbs, although slowly and sparingly. I can eat fruits after phase 1, starting this Saturday. I can even eat starches and carbs after phase 2, but that is the maintenance phase. I am told to find the right carb level for myself where I maintain my weight at that point.

Here's to better health!

Weight Loss Challenge, Take 3

2010-04-20T05:35:00.000-07:00

I sure hope the third time's the charm.

During the past five years, I had already lost weight. I had lost 20 pounds, almost completely due to WeightWatchers and a little exercise, only to regain all those pounds back (albeit slowly). Then I had lost 22 pounds, using a combination of calorie counting through CalorieKing.com plus joining a half marathon training program, only to regain all those pounds back plus about 15 more pounds. So, not only had I gained all the weight I lost in my two tries, but I actually netted a gain of 15 pounds in those five years.

Obviously, I was upset. I wasn't sure what to do next. Should I diet again, only to gain all those pounds back, and maybe even more? Or just give up and try to just at least maintain or just slow down my weight gain at the very least.

Giving up is not an option. I actually have a condition called "fatty liver", where due to my excess weight, my liver is clogged with fat, which is not a dire problem, but something I must address long term, as the liver is a very important part of the body. Luckily, with "fatty liver", I had already proven in the fast that when I am at a healthy weight, my elevated liver enzymes are back to their normal levels.

A conversation with a co-worker actually triggered me to think about my weight loss goals. I told her "I'm afraid to lose, just to gain it all back". "Lose the weight, then worry about gaining it all back later," she replied. Makes sense, akin to counting your eggs before they even hatch.

And so I now attempt to try the South Beach Diet. I did some research over the internet this morning. It actually is a healthier version of atkins. It does not advocate eating a KFC Double Down Chicken Sandwich every day. It focuses on lean meats and vegetables, and healthy fats such as olive oil and nuts for snacks. I have tried calorie counting, but the reason I think I failed eventually is that I tire of entering all the food I eat, even though I did close to a year in WeightWatchers and CalorieKing.com. I just want a diet where you focus on eating healthy foods, and that's it.

The first two weeks will be difficult, as it cuts out carbs altogether. I have tried atkins in the past, and I could feel my body craving carbs. Thankfully, South Beach reintroduces fruits after two weeks, so I feel that is a palatable sacrifice. I will miss ice cream, junk food, and all that other bad processed food, but I will think of this diet as a lifestyle change, not a temporary effort.

On your mark, get set, go! Wish me luck.

Lost: Tangled

2010-04-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

Okay. After watching tonight's episode of Lost "Everybody Loves Hugo", I feel obligated to blog about Lost, where I think it's headed, and how I think it will end. I am doing this more to organize my thoughts and see if what I think makes sense. Super spoiler alerts ahead (if I am correct, that is).

It is looking more and more like the Flash Sideways will be the ending as I have originally foreseen. Desmond, after his episode "Happily Ever After" is now looking for all the castaways of Oceanic Flight 815, hoping to remind them of their time in the island. He was able to do this successfully for Hugo and for Libby. As the last four episodes unfold, I believe the Flash Sideways will turn into one big Happily Ever After for that alternate universe. It was also cool to see as I began to wonder why Locke was in the Flash Sideways (he was killed by Ben before Juliet detonated the bomb, so he should still be dead in my opinion). Desmond answered this by running him over. I believe the Locke in the Flash Sideways was the Fake Locke or Men In Black that got out of the island and into the Flash Sideways.

The current timeline/universe where Flocke (Fake Locke) or MIB (Men In Black) had finally gathered all the candidates will now be marching on to use the plane. Desmond is trapped in the well, but he does not seem to care. Is that the well holding the wheel that Ben turned and traveled/time traveled to Tunisia? It may be. If so, he might turn that, and trigger the island to "hide" and go flashing in time again. I believe this is how this current timeline/universe will end.

I thought Walt was actually MIB in disguise, but per his explanation, they are all just stuck souls in the island. Are they really all dead like Richard Alpert said? If so, how are the dead dead different from the alive dead? That is still confusing for me. Where does Jacob fit in the finale? Is he the kid showing up to mock Flocke? If so, why? How does Jacob "win" in the end?

I believe all the characters have already been featured in Flash Sideways, so it might all be just how each of them lead their final lives in their Flash Sideways, with Desmond reminding them of their "Lost" island memories. I have a feeling there might be a twist in all of this. It seems too all wrapped up right now to me. There must be a monkey wrench that the writers are waiting to throw at the last few minutes of the finale to kill all our conspiracy theories and make us stand up in our feet and say "Bravo, Lost Writers! Great Finale!".

I hope they really wrap up this series in the best way they can, without any cop outs or forced twists or big questions still unanswered.

And please don't leave things unanswered just so you can make a movie. I think a "Lost: The Movie" would actually ruin this great franchise.

Drive Through

2010-04-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

left turn, right turn
all i want is a straight path
fork in the road?
i took one of them
it led to a u-turn

i wish i had a GPS
it can give me directions
but i still have to determine
where i want to go

my gas tank is near empty
i need to refuel
i hope i don't get a flat tire
i have already had those
twice in my lifetime

i have been driving slow lately
at times to avoid a ticket
but i think more so
that i could admire the scenery

there's a hitchhiker on the road
i pass, i don't want to take a risk
then again
do i not want another passenger
so i can enjoy this road trip?

i turn the car stereo on
music shall be my companion
i prefer for now
to be alone in my thoughts

"The Shredder"

2010-03-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

*** A repost from an email from a friend. ***

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 pm. when he found the
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here.. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

The Populist versus The Capitalist

2010-03-22T04:40:00.000-07:00

Let me state for the record first that I am registered as an Independent. While my views are probably more liberal and lean Democratic, I am no rubber stamp for any Democrat running for office and wouldn't mind voting for a Republican if I feel that he or she is the better candidate.

House Democrats finally passed the Senate's version of the healthcare bill yesterday. While the bill has still to be signed by Obama to be law, that part is a done deal, with Obama putting a lot of his political muscle behind the effort for the past few weeks. The only nailbiter now for the House Democrats is whether the changes they want to the Senate version passed, which is a separate bill known as a reconciliation bill, will pass as the Senate said it would. Based on some reports, that would probably pass this week barring any unforeseen problems.

I have to say, at times, I am puzzled at why the working class is at odds with the Democrats, especially those who live at the heartland. The Democrats are supposed to be populists. They passed both Social Security and Medicare under their watch. I'm sure no Republican retiree is now cursing them for those two programs. Could it be possible that some of those Tea Party protesters want their cake and eat it too? Can they be for a smaller government but for a bigger entitlement? Are there protesters who have been denied health insurance due to pre-conditions yet not wanting this bill to pass? I have my doubts.

32 million more people will be covered when this law takes effect. No more denials for preconditions. No more excuses from health insurance companies. I'm sure the health insurance companies don't want to cover sick people because they are for profit, but with a required base now including all healthy people, their profitability should be the same if not more overall.

The Republicans, I believe, are for capitalism. They want no boundaries when it comes to doing anything. The less government, the better, according to them. That's all and good, if it works, in theory. But look how it got us into this mess with mortgage backed securities, and how many of the mega banks we had to bail out. And now the mega banks want to be free of regulation again, just as they were bailed out!

I do agree on free markets on theory, but we really all should be thankful for the government on some of the protections it has given us, including enforcing minimum wages, anti-discrimination laws, and even administering unemployment and disability insurance during this time of great need. And while we're at it, you get what you pay for. If we continually ask for tax cuts, we shouldn't complain when we end up with sub-par or even no service at all.

There should always be a balance between populism and capitalism. Right now it has swung from capitalism to populism. Only time will truly tell whether the populist health care bill will be something the public will eventually embrace. I do hope though that as Congress proceeds on other areas such as immigration, and jobs (which is still the number one issue as far as I am concerned), that both parties will find some common ground, rather than each having to be partisan for the sake of their political neck come November.

On Citizenship

2010-03-01T18:52:00.000-08:00

On February 22nd, 2010, I was sworn in as a citizen of the United States of America.

It was a bittersweet moment for me. I have been here in this country for over 10 years now, and I figured it was the next natural step for me to do. I was lucky enough to be able to have migrated here through a green card, or permanent resident card, when my aunt petitioned my dad back in the late 1970's, when I wasn't even born yet. Among my siblings, I was the only one who was still of the right age to be able to get the permanent resident card.

The petition was approved as I was on my 3rd year of college. I must say, I wasn't even sure at the time whether I really wanted to move to the United States at that time. I figured that I already was doing well, having good grades at one of the top universities in the Philippines, but I still went on with the process. I applied for my re-entry permit so I could at least finish college and not have to go through college again in a new country (and fear that some of the courses I studied would not get credited). After getting my college degree, with some hesitation, but some excitement I decided to migrate to the U.S.

It was no picnic for me. The first thing I had to do when I moved to the U.S. was to find a job. And while I had a college degree, I had no avenues that a typical college graduate would have here: no college job fairs, no networks, nothing. I actually had to go to job fairs where most of the jobs posted were for people with experience. I used the normal online job sites like monster.com, hotjobs.com, and dice.com. I would get some calls, but wouldn't move on to the next step after phone interviews when the recruiters discover I had no work experience. After three months, I was even contemplating just working at a movie theatre or a McDonald's just to get any job and start earning money. I was living at my aunt and uncle's house for free, and was using up the money that my mom and dad had given me while I was staying there. Luckily, in about three months, a resume I gave to a recruiter at Pacific Bell at a job fair ended up at the hands of an interested hiring manager. I was given an aptitude test, which I believe I passed with flying colors, I did well at an initial interview with a human resources employee, and a subsequent interview with the actual hiring manager and team lead. I found a very nice entry level job as an Associate Analyst with Pacific Bell!

Fast forward to 2010, I am now working for the State of California. I overcame a grueling five months of unemployment. I have to start over at the bottom again at an entry level job for the Employment Development Department, but I believe I already am doing well, and hope to move up quickly through the ranks as long as I continue to do well. I have learned a lot with my ordeal last year. I learned about the value of money: that it's about what you save, not what you make. I learned about the value of having a job, and to respect and not complain about my job as there are still a lot of unemployed people out there. I am still trying to live a more simple life, but I have to admit, I have yet to still rid myself of excessive technologies like my iPhone, flat screen TV, and iMac. I just try to make sure I always have something saved at the end of the month, that I am cash flow positive. Technology keeps my sanity, not to mention keeps me connected to my family and friends.

So what does this all have to do with citizenship, you might ask? Not a lot, as I pondered what I wrote. I just wanted to write about how I migrated to this country, how I got started, and where I am at this point in my life.

I am excited about all the aspects of citizenship. I am eager to vote and have a voice in all the upcoming elections, from deciding the next governor in California, to the next President (or same President) in 2012. I am eager to do jury duty and be able to give my opinion and debate on whether someone was innocent or guilty. And yes, the easier access to travel to other countries and the ability to work for the federal government is something I'm aware of as a benefit of becoming a citizen and am very thankful to have as of this moment.

With my being a citizen, I am not denying that I was born in the Philippines. I will always be proud of my Filipino roots and my heritage. I will not stop speaking Tagalog when I am in the company of Filipino friends or relatives.

I will, however, respect the pledge of allegiance that I made to this country. And I hope to make the U.S. happy to have made me one of its citizens.

Up In The Air

2010-02-16T05:54:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure why, but I felt like I HAD to see this movie. It might sound bizarre for a formerly laid off person to want to watch a movie about a guy who lays off people for a living. Some might say it might be analogous to a holocaust survivor wanting to see Schindler's List. I had no specific reason. I just felt like I HAD to see this movie. And I'm glad I did.

George Clooney stars as Ryan Bingham, an employee who flies around the United States for a living, visiting companies who are about to sack a ton of employees for one reason or another: cutting costs, bankruptcy, or maybe even pure corporate evil, who knows. The movie can be applauded for trying to bring some realism into it, by hiring people who had actually been laid off due to the recent economic crisis. If one does not know this, however, one might have thought that the director was cheap and decided to hire some very bad actors. Most of the laid off employees in real life were not able to bring their acting skills into the movie, in my opinion. I would have preferred to see real life actors play the laid off employees, maybe some laid off actors to bring a touch of realism that the director Jason Reitman wanted.

The writing in the movie discovers an Oscar. The dialogue is very witty, albeit sometimes raunchy between Ryan and his love interest. The movie flows very smoothly and doesn't skip a beat. Natalie Keener, played by Anna Kendrick, is an irritable but lovable character. Anna deserves an Oscar for playing the naive but smart new employee of CTC, aiming to revolutionize the company by downsizing employees through webcams. A cost effective technique which proves to be ironic for Natalie as the movie progresses.

Clooney deserving an Oscar? Maybe. His acting was good, but not great. One thing that sort of emanates from Ryan's character which Clooney plays well is his pride in being single, loving the high flyer status, and charming the ladies. But somehow turning from this character to a different desperate personality later on doesn't seem convincing enough. Then again, sometimes one event in one's life can really be a "turner" despite how long a life has been lived the same way a long time. The only thing that Clooney fails in is that his arrogance seeps into his character just a tad too much, where I felt Ryan should have just a little more likable.

Up In The Air is definitely a must see. Especially for those who have been unemployed at one time or another, and maybe, even to those who are still unemployed.

"Anyone who's built an empire sat where you are right now," says Ryan Bingham.

True. Steve Jobs did get fired from Apple before he came back and saved the whole company. Now if only the company that I was laid off still technically existed (not that its new owner needs any saving at this point).

Card is King

2010-02-12T05:35:00.000-08:00

Since the start of the new year, I have resolved to stop using cash altogether. I know for some, "Cash is King", but I think "Card is King" for the following reasons:

* You can track all your expenses easily with financial sites like mint.com, wesabe.com, or justthrive.com. Knowing where your money goes is very powerful in changing your attitude towards money. When you realize you've been spending 50 bucks a month with those Starbucks lattes, you suddenly realize where your money leaks are coming from. With cash, you pretty much where the money went, unless you're pretty good at keeping all your receipts, writing down all your expenses, and categorizing all your expenses.

* You MIGHT actually spend less. I say MIGHT depending on the type of person you are. And MIGHT if you are using a debit card, which immediately updates your checking account balance, versus a credit card which sometimes give you a false sense of security sometimes in that you can spend within your credit limit, and at the same time spend within your checking account balance. I notice that for a debit card, I don't have any inclination to spend money on a vending machine, for the simple reason that I don't carry cash and the vending machine only accepts cash (at the moment). And we all know vending machines could be another money leak at work at times, be it for a can of soda or that bag of M&M's you deserve for a bad work day.

* You get rewards. Debit cards now offer rewards for every single purchase you make. Granted, it's not as generous as credit cards, but if you need financial discipline this will quell your need to justify spending for the sake of rewards. You still get some points at the end of the month. Fewer than credit cards, I agree, but at least you don't end up giving back those reward points by paying ludicrous interest rate charges on that credit balance you just ran up.

So that's it. Of course there are still some places where all they take is cash. Small restaurants, paid parking lots, tips for valets and bellhops, come into mind. But I wouldn't be surprised if there came a time when all of them would accept Visa or Mastercard, with a portable scanner in hand.

Fate versus Free Will

2010-02-06T05:08:00.000-08:00

I used to believe in fate and at the same time that I have free will. But if you think logically (and listen to Neo's opinion in "The Matrix"), if you believe in fate, that means anything you do doesn't matter, because everything that happens next is fate. Thus, in essence, you have no control over any situation no matter what you do. It can lead one to think that you might as well just surrender to fate and let it take you where ever it wants you to take it. If it happens to be good times, great. But if it happens to be the worst of times, just shrug your shoulder and hope fate eventually pulls you out of it.

If you believe in free will, then it means you don't believe in fate. You believe that you are in control of your situation at all times, and that where you are is a direct effect of all your decisions throughout life. It can lead one to think that if you are in a bad situation, that you caused all the negative events that happened in your life to be your own fault. On the positive side, it gives you the thought that you can steer yourself out of a mess or a bad situation, or if you happen to be happy and thriving, that you can give yourself a big pat in the back for all the good work you have done.

So which is it? Do you believe in fate or do you believe in free will?

Lost No More

2010-02-03T06:27:00.000-08:00

(Spoiler Alert: If you have not watched the first 2 episodes of the Lost Final Season, then read on at your own risk)

I think we have just seen the end of Lost. And I mean literally. If JJ Abrams was the one to concoct this idea of how to show the ending of Lost, I have to applaud him. My theory is that in the end, just like Juliet said (through Miles), it all worked. Jack and the rest were able to prevent the plane from ever crashing on the island, and that is what we are seeing through one of the timelines in the last season. We see how things unravel if the plane never did crash. I have to admit, some things didn't really turn out better for the passengers (Charlie's still a drug addict, Locke's no longer walking again, Kate's still on the run). But I have a feeling all will turn out for the better as the end approaches. Maybe Jack will be able to make Locke walk. Maybe Kate will end up with Sawyer. Maybe Charlie will somehow overcome his drug addiction.

On to the other timeline. Juliet smashed the hydrogen bomb core. Nothing happened except bringing them back to 2007. There were a few things that changed, however. There is a new group of island inhabitants (unless they really made a point to hide from everyone else since the first season). They are now on the same time as Sun, Ben, and the other group from Ajira airlines. We got a question answered: Jacob's nemesis is the smoke monster. Although we got more questions in return: Richard Alpert was in chains? What did Jacob's nemesis mean by wanting to go home? How come Jack and the others are back in 2007, and are still in the island? How can it have worked as Juliet said all along? Why was Desmond on the plane? Why was Boone's sister not with him? Did she refuse to join the last season? Where were those 2 extra characters who were inserted mid season and then buried in the sand?

I am hoping that the ending is satisfying. Lost is one of the most demanding TV dramas in that you pretty much should have watched every episode from the very start if you are to understand what the heck is going on. For all the hard core Losties out there (special shoutout to Neil and Jessica who probably know more about Lost than I ever will), I hope this last season answers all our questions... in a good way, at that.

Thoughts on the iPad

2010-01-28T06:55:00.000-08:00

One of Apple's worst kept secrets was unveiled yesterday: the iPad. Rumors had been swirling about the product months ago. I would have thought with Apple's well renowned method for keeping products in development secret that this product would have more surprises in its sleeve, but yes, I do agree to some opinions out there that it just looks like an oversized iPhone or iPod touch. Even if it is just that, I still want this oversized iPhone or iPod touch.

I don't think this product threatens the iPhone or iPod touch more than it threatens the laptops. With its form factor, I wonder how many would lug around both an iPad and a MacBook while in the airport. The physical keyboard might still keep some people using their MacBooks or windows laptops just like die hard Blackberry fans praise having a real keyboard to touch and feel. But for the most part if you're a person who just reads email and needs only to send one or two liner replies, I think the iPad would suit you just fine.

I did have qualms about the initial name of the product. It sounds too much like it's brethren, the iPod, but I guess it grows on you and does sound better than iSlate. I'm sure whoever just bought a Kindle 2.0 recently must be wondering if they are already holding an obsolete product even if the iPad hasn't started shipping yet. Best to put it in eBay before the general public hears about this latest new cool device. I'm even questioning if some will choose to buy the iPad instead of the iPhone now if they only had one purchase they can make.

I was surprised by the lack of a camera for the iPad. Skype video chat would have been perfect for the device. It would seem like a simple hardware update to make. Maybe they are reserving some features for next year, perhaps? I wonder whether there are some Mac or PC like functionality on it, given it is supposed to be a portable computer. Can you erase files that you already have with a Finder App (for Windows users, that's like a Windows Explorer)? Can I watch Hulu on this device? Is this device limited only to AT&T for its 3G? What about the rumored ability to either choose Verizon as well for its 3G service?

I was all set to getting a PS3 with Final Fantasy XIII as my gift for my upcoming birthday. But now maybe I'm changing my mind. Unless I happen to get a gargantuan tax refund and be able to get both!

Bilingual Preferred

2010-01-24T18:02:00.000-08:00

Latinos are projected to be the largest racial/ethnic group in California by 2020, and will constitute the majority by 2050. They are now the largest group of residents under age 30. (www.ca2025.org).

Even though I was hired for my Tagalog skills, over the next few months, I have felt some level of frustration for not being able to speak Spanish. I would encounter individuals who only speak Spanish and spoke very little English if at all. I was not obliged to know Spanish as part of my job but I felt bad for them as I was not able to help them. At times, I would ask my co-workers to help translate, or sometimes even a young individual who is bilingual in Spanish would assist.

I can empathize with job seekers who I assist who have a frustration that they cannot get jobs due to the fact that they do not speak Spanish. The demographics of Central California dictate that someone who is bilingual in Spanish would definitely be preferred in any job that interacts with the public. For that reason, not by discrimination, people who are Caucasian, African American, Indian, Filipino, or any other ethnicity other than Latino usually end up at a disadvantage in the job market. They can choose to learn Spanish, of course, but to be fluent in Spanish enough to hold a conversation and to know the details of a customer's needs usually requires a depth of vocabulary that might require years of study and practice.

To that end, I wonder if at one point, California's second language will be Spanish. And because the majority of the population will be Hispanic, everyone will be forced to learn the language or be sidelined in their job prospects. In the same way that some Americans might question why Hispanics can't learn English when they've been here in the United States for so long, I get looks from Hispanics wondering why I don't know Spanish when I work at a public office.

For now, all I can say is "hablo poquito espanol" and rely on Google Translate to know enough Spanish to answer their basic questions. Until then, I might have to keep on rehearsing the Spanish CDs I have been given as a gift to keep up and be relevant in the Central California job market.

Ikalimang Palapag

2009-09-26T18:01:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I have blogged. I am not sure what the reason might be. Maybe I have nothing to write about. Maybe I don't want to write about anything. Or I could easily blame it on twitter, making blogging a chore compared to just writing a 140 character status about something that happened in my day.

Today was a non-event pretty much. I could have hiked with the Kern Valley Hiking Club, but I decided to opt out, because I feel I am not in shape to do another hike. I am actually in better shape than the time I did the last hike, but I distinctly remember liking my bed for the next 2 days after that hike.

At any rate, while I was shredding my stuff, some personal, some financial, I came across a short story I wrote back in college. In English, it translates to Fifth Floor. I haven't read all of it again, but I am deciding to repost it here to at least immortalize it in the internet before I send it to the shredder bin. My apologies to my friends who don't understand Tagalog, but to translate it might take away some of the meaning and intent. Just use a Tagalog English dictionary if you're really interested. =)

***

Ikalimang Palapag

Napakagandang araw ngayon. Maulap, malamig ang hangin, at ang sinag ng araw ay hindi nakakasunog ng balat tulad ng mga katamtamang araw. Hay, ang sarap. Puede akong tumagal pa ng ilang oras dito siguro at magmunimuni pa kung anung gagawin ko sa aking napakamakabuluhang buhay.

Kaarawan ko ngayon. Dapat nga ay sa mga ganitong oras ng dapithapon ay kasama ko ang aking mga kaibigan at nagsasaya habang nagsusunog ng pera sa mga distrito ng Makati. Pupunta kami ni Rolly, Dennis, at Marco sa mga pugad ng mga nagsisigandahang mga dilag, tulad ng Friday's, Hard Rock, o kaya'y Studebakers. Doon ay magpapaligsahan kami sa lasingan. Kung sinong unang matumba sa puwersa ng alak ay ilulublob ang ulo sa napakalinis na tubig ng mga kubeta. Ang saya talaga nung mga araw na iyon. Pero hindi na mangyayari ulit yung mga iyon.

Nung mga nakaraang mga taon ay talagang hindi ako makahintay sa pagsapit ng kaarawan ko, hindi lang dahil sa paglabas namin ng aking barkada. Sa araw na iyon, sa paggising ko pa lang ay mayroon na akong kulay uling na langgonisa, pritong itlog na may konting basag na balat, at tutong na sinaing na nakahanda sa tabi ng kama ko. Gawain ito ng aking mapagmahal ng kapatid, si Kim. Sa pagbukas ko pa lang nang mata'y nandoon na siya na maligayang pumapalakpak. Animo'y simbals ang kanyang mga kamay sa pagdikit ng mga ito, habang isinisigaw niya sa medyo nakakarinding na tono ng "Maligayang bati, maligayang bati...". Ginagantihan ko na lang siya ng ngiti at yakap siya bilang pagsasalamat.

Maaaring iniisip niyo kung nasaan ang aking mga magulang sa mga maligaya kong panahong iyon. Nasa kani-kanilang kuwarto sila, at tulog pa. Akalain ko nga'y sa una ay nakaligtaan na nila ang araw ng aking pagsilang. Wala silang imik noon tungkol sa aking kaarawan. Paggising lang nila ay tulad ng dati. Hahalikan ako sa pisngi at sasabihin nang "Magandang umaga" nang walang kabuhay-buhay. Pagkatapos nang pagbati ay ibabalot ang kulay ubeng pera sa aking mga kamay, at itatanong, "O, Jose, tama na ba iyang pera mo?". At kahit 'hindi' ang sagot mo ay hindi ka papansinin. Titingin na lang muli sila sa diyaryong kanilang binabasa at itaas ang kape sa kanilang mga labi.

Nagulat ako noon, at tila may panang nakatama sa aking dibdib sa sakit nang idinulot nila noon. Pero kahit gaano kung gustong sigawan sila ng "Hoy, kaarawan ko ngayon! Labas naman tayo at kumain sa kung saan mamahaling restoran!" ay itinikom ko na lang ang aking mga labi. Napasok sa isipan ko na baka hindi nila nais maalala ang kaarawan ko dahil wala silang masyadong naimpok na pera at nahihiya silang aminin ito. Kaya't hindi ko na lang pinansin ito hanggang na-sorpresa nila ako.

May handa pala ang ina't ama ko. Hindi nila ipinaalam sa akin ito hanggang ipinatawag ako ng aking ama sa kanyang kuwarto at kakausapin daw ako. Laking gulat ko na lang, at sa pagbukas ko ng pintuan ay nandoon ang halos lahat ng kaibigan ko, ang aking mga kapitbahay, ang ina, at ang nag-iisa kong kapatid na ang ngiti ay mula tenga hanggang tenga sa sobrang tuwa nito sa hinanda nilang sorpresa. "Kuya Jose, nagulat ka ano?," pasigaw na sinabi ni Kim. Sinagot ko na lang ang tanong niya ng isang ngiti habang kinakamayan ko ang lahat ng mga nandoon sa kuwarto na isa-isang nagbati sa akin ng maligayang kaarawan.

Ganoon kasaya ang kaarawan ko noon. Umaapaw ang kasiyahan na tila lahat na ng inaasam-asam ko sa buhay ay nakuha ko na at maari na akong mamatay. Kaya't ngayo'y nandito ako, sa ikalimang palapag ng aming minamahal na eskuwela, isang daang dipa ang naghihiwalay sa akin at sa karit ni Kamatayan. Dapithapon pa lang, at sa karaniwang araw ay makikita mo ang mga batang estudyante na naglalaro ng slayd o seesaw sa palaruan habang ang mga estudyante ng mataas na paaralan ay nakakumpol sa tabi ng pintuan ng kantina't nagkukuwentuhan. Pero kakaibang araw ngayon, dahil may isang estudyanteng nasa pinakataas na palapag ng iskuwelahan na nagnanais na wakasan ang kaniyang buhay.

Hindi pa naman ako tatalon. Sa katunayan pa nga'y nakaupo ako at minamasid ang mga walang kamuwang-muwang na mga taong nasa ibaba ko. Nakakatuwa sila dahil sa unang oras ko dito sa taas ay masaya silang nagkukuwentuhan at naghahabulan. Ngunit nang ang guro kong si Ginang Ruiz ay tumakbong palabas at nagsisigaw. "Guwardiya, tumaas ka doon sa palapag na iyon! May batang nakaupo sa kanto ng palapag, baka mahulog!," sigaw niya. Nagsitahimik ang lahat at ang mata'y pumanaw sa akin. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung ako'y dapat masiyahan na nasa akin ang lahat ng atensiyon nung mga sandaling iyon, o matakot dahil sira na aking reputasyon dahil mababansagan akong loko-loko o mahina ang puso habang buhay.

Ilang minuto ang lumipas at halos lahat ng estudyante sa iskuwela na ay nasa labas, mala-istatwa ang kibo habang nagmamasid. Kung ika'y nasa posisyon ko noon ay hindi mo rin mapigil ang tumawa. Paano ba naman, ang mga bibig nila'y kasi laki ng balon kapag kanilang ibinukas, at ang iba naman ay nagsisimbolo ng krus o kaya ay kumakapit ka na parang tuko sa mga katabi nila. Parang nanonood sila ng isang nakakatakot na pelikula sa takot na nakapinta sa kanilang mga mukha. Kulang na lang ay may maglabas sila ng popcorn na nginangasab.

Nakaupo pa rin ako at nagmumuni-muni, habang ang buong populasyon ng eskuwelahan ay nagmamasid, sumisigaw, nagdarasal, o kaya'y nakaturo ang mga daliri sa akin. Inalis ko sila sa aking isip pagkatapos nang may katagalan kong tawa. Nagdedesisyon na ako noon kung ako ay tatalon nga ba o bababa na lang sa pulutong ng tao para kaawaan at bigyan ng simpatiya.

Kung tutuusin ay wala naman talaga akong sapat na rason para wakasan ang aking buhay. Nasa akin naman ang lahat ng gugustuhin ng isang nilalang sa mundong ito: mapagmahal na magulang at kapatid, tapat na kaibigan, sapat na kayamanan. Kahit ang akademiko ko ay walang problema, kung hindi mo ituturing na problema ang pasawang awa kong grado sa Matematika. Maganda ang buhay ko ngayon. Naisip ko lang na wakasan ang lahat ng ito dahil ayaw kong maging maganda ang simula ng buhay ngunit mapait ang pagwakas nito. Ayaw ko nang makita ang mga nagsisilapit na pagbabago sa makulay ko nang mundo.

Una na rito'y sa magulang ko. Kumunot na ang kanilang mga noo at puro simangot ang nakapinta sa kanilang mukha nang magkaroon kami ng karibal sa aming sapatusan. Hindi nila naisip na ang kanilang mga ilang taon nang suki ay lilipat sa sapatusan ng Intsik na si Ma Hao Lee dahil sa mas mura ang sapatos nila ng isang daan sa amin. Araw-gabi tuloy silang nagbabantay sa kanilang negosyo para hindi itong maglahong parang bula. Napakalamig na tuloy ng turing sa amin sa bahay at ang ngiti nila aya madalang habang kami'y kausap.

Hindi lang iyon ang dagok na nakasira sa aking buhay. Si Kimberly, ang aking minamahal na kapatid, ay nasa Intensive Care Unit ngayon sa San Juan de Dios hospital. Nabangga kasi siya ng isang rumaragasang kotse nang tumatawid patungo sa eskuwela namin nung isang buwan at nawalan ng malay. Siya ngayo'y comatose at hindi alam ng doktor kung kailan siya muling magkakaroon ng malay.

Sa dalawang pangyayari pa lang na iyon ay pumasok na sa utak ko ang pagpapakamatay. Ayaw ko nang marinig pa ang ibang mga problem na maaaring manghimasok sa aking sira nang mundo. Mabuti na lang at wala pang problemang lumilitaw sa aming barkada. Kundi ay hindi na ang pagtalon ang iisipin ko. Wawakasan ko na lang ang aking buhay sa pamamagitan ng paglaslas ng aking pulso. Mas mahirap gawin iyon ngunit sigurado ang aking kamatayan.

Naghanda na ako. Lalong umingay ang pulutong ng tao't lalong nagsidami ang mga daliring nakaturo sa akin nang ako'y tumayo. Pinikit ko ang aking mata at nagbilang hanggang tatlo, habang ang aking mga braso'y nakaposisyon na palabas, tila isang bibong naghahandang lumipad. Isa... Dalawa...

"Kuya!"

Napatigil ako nang salitang iyon. Boses ni Kim iyon. Agad-agad akong tumingin sa likod at nakita ko ang aking dating walang-malay na kapatid na ngayo'y buhay na ngunit bumabaha nang luha ang mata. Pinipigilan siya ng aking mga guro na lumapit ngunit siya'y nagpupumilit. "Huwag kang tatalon kuya! Buhay na ako, kuya!"

Sa sandaling iyon ay nawala sa isip ko ang pagpapakamatay. Dahan-dahan kong inikot ang aking katawan upang makaharap siya. "Kim..." Naputol ang aking madamdaming mensahe sa pagguho ng palapag na tinatapakan ko. Nadulas ako't nahulog sa palapag na tinatapakan ko. Siguradong kamatayan na dapat ang nakamit ko. Ang tanging nakapigil dito ay ang aking ngayo'y duguang kamay na nakakapit sa kanto ng palapag.

"Kim!"

Nabitawan ko na ang kamay ko sa palapag dahil sa naglalaho kong lakas. Wala nang magawa ang nagsitakbong mga guro para tulungan ako. Nanlaki na lang ang aking mga mata nang unti-unting naglaho sa paningin ko ang dalawa kong guro at ang minamahal kong kapatid. Itinaas ko ang aking mga kamay sa mga sandaling iyon, at nagbabasakaling maiabot ko pa ang kamay ng aking kapatid.

Inabot ko ang aking kamay nang walang pakundangan, nagnanasang mabalik muli ang buhay na itinapon ko nang walang kamuwang-muwang at makasama ang mahal kong kapatid. Ngunit nagising ako sa katotohanan nang mabagok ang ulo ko't nagdaloy ang dugo at ang paningin ko ay unti-unting nagdilim.

***

Whew. A bit dark I know, but I think and hope it made for an interesting story. I wish I digitized everything I wrote. I know I still have some other stories I might have written out there, as well as articles I've written back in college and high school.

End of File

Be Thankful for What You Have

2009-08-01T05:51:00.000-07:00

It may sound cliche, but we should always be thankful for what we have. I know sometimes I am guilty of wanting more myself, but sometimes the key to happiness in life is being with what you have, and seeing anything else more as just a "bonus".

I am thankful that I can walk or run. I have encountered people who are in wheelchairs not through their own choice or those that find walking difficult due to aging or health conditions.

I am thankful that I have a job. Having been laid off for the first time in my life made me appreciate having a job. I do know though that it has taught me that there should be more to just working. It should be only one of the things that we do, and not the only thing we do.

I am thankful for my parents. I realize due to their age and their sickness that my time with them could be fleeting. I already witnessed this with the numerous hospitalizations they have had. I know that I am lucky to have them still be a phone call or a few hours drive away. I do love my parents.

I am thankful for my siblings and family. So far, we have gotten along well all these years. Of course, there's the occasional disagreements, but there have been no rifts, nor I hope there will ever be. We're all in different parts of the world, but we still get to keep in touch thanks to the internet.

I am thankful for my friends. We don't get to choose family, but we do get to choose our friends. Sometimes we make friends just because we happen to be going in the same direction, such as school or work. But the friends who we truly treasure are those who we connect with even after those commonalities fade away.

I am thankful for life. I do know that at times I tend to be jaded, especially since I think I am a good person, and that I wonder why bad things would happen to a good person. Whenever I am down, I think to myself that if it's a really bad moment, it can only get better.

Delano: First Impressions

2009-07-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

I arrived in Delano on Thursday evening. I thought it best to rest the night before using as much of Friday as possible to see several of the apartments I saw online. The drive was 4 hours long, including a stop at a McDonald's at Fresno (which I swear is the same McDonald's I stopped by going back to the bay area from my interview in Visalia). I saw the Holiday Inn, I checked in, and I never went outside again. It was 5:30, but the heat is unbearable for me. Thank God for air conditioning.

Friday morning was a hectic day of searching for apartments. I would have searched sooner, but I only had the definite go signal for my start date on Tuesday afternoon, and I spent the subsequent day packing as much stuff as I can to last me for a week or two in my Prius.

Delano is actually a bigger town than I thought it would be. It had 5 highway exits from Highway 99 (the more exits a city has, the bigger it probably is, more or less). I saw some familiar signs that gave some comfort: Burger King, Jack in the Box, McDonald's, KFC. Bad for my health I know, but for me it's another sign of progress. There's even a Fresh and Easy, a concept store from the UK similar to Whole Foods. There's no car dealerships, at least a Toyota one. I dimly remember seeing a Chrysler/Jeep dealership, but that's it. What's interesting also is that I think I was the only person driving a white Prius around the city. That's another sign I'm out of the bay area. Maybe I should change to a civic to blend in a little bit more.

The first apartment I wanted to see was the only one that offered a studio for rent. The rent was inexpensive, at $525 a month. Unfortunately, when I saw the location, I was a bit dismayed. I didn't feel too safe, and having lived in Pittsburg and Concord, I am more willing to pay a little bit more to be in a better location (which explained my previous move to San Ramon). I scratched it off mentally off my list, unless I'm completely out of options. The unit won't be available anyway until Monday, and that didn't work for me. I wanted a same day move in ideally so I don't have to stay one more night at Holiday Inn (which was a very nice hotel, but cost too much for me at $99 per night).

I looked at a couple more apartments. Several of them stated they were open for the day, but I guess the property manager there might be no looking on the day before a holiday (maybe I'm the only one looking, who knows). There were two nice ones, brand new units in gated communities, but ironically, my income was too high for their units, which were all affordable housing. My income was not that high, at least compared to my previous jobs, but apparently it's too high for their definition of low income. I wonder if those in low income could afford the rentals they have, on the flip side. Oh, well. I forged on.

After visiting over eight apartments, I ended up going back to the first apartment I saw, prior to the one with the studio. I actually saw it when I drove into the Holiday Inn parking lot. It was in a nice location, no perceived troublemakers (that I could see or sense, haha). The only con was that only a 2 bedroom was available, and it costs $175 more. With no option left other than the studio in a questionable location, I gave a deposit and application. I didn't even see the unit or the sample of the unit, as no unit was available for viewing. It was available on a Sunday, lengthening my stay at the Holiday Inn (which was fine, but not fine wallet wise). I had to reserve the unit blindly so I can make sure I get it as the property manager mentioned there were two other interested parties. Was it a gimmick? I don't know. My gut believed her. I needed a place anyway, competition or no competition.

So my saga ends, and I am back in the hotel room at Holiday Inn, escaping once more the vexing heat. I think I'll spend Saturday going to Bakersfield and seeing some sights and movies. I think I should have gotten the number of the Filipina teller at Wells Fargo who I had a nice small talk with while getting my money orders for the apartment. She seemed nice and I could use some new friends in my new "home".

New Beginnings

2009-07-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

After five months of unemployment, I had finally received a job offer! As of July 6th, I will start working as an Employment Program Representative for the Employment Development Department (EDD) for the State of California. EDD is well known to the 11.2% of Californians who were or are currently unemployed. Quite an interesting transition from receiving unemployment checks to now being part of the department that processes and issues them.

With this new job comes a new location: Delano, California. Yes, I am moving from the East Region of the San Francisco Bay Area to the Central Valley in California. I don't know much about Delano to be honest. I did a wikipedia search and some interesting facts right now that I know of is that they have a 15% unemployment rate, and that 15% of the population are Filipino (not to translate that all of those unemployed are Filipino, I would think it would be proportional to the rest of the other ethnicities, such as the Caucasians, Hispanics, and African Americans). Delano is a city but in no case is it urban. I have read that is devoid of a movie theatre, and while it may have restaurants, none of them are fine dining or franchises like Chili's or Applebee's. I have a feeling it will be like living in Rio Vista, California where my parents live where it is pretty much a bedroom community with an ample smattering of schools, parks, and restaurants. I could choose to live in another city, such as Bakersfield, but I don't think I would do so due to the increased commute and probable higher rent. If it had a lower rent, it might make the commute more palatable.

I will miss the Bay Area definitely. I will miss living in my apartment in San Ramon, which is close to a lot of things I like to visit: the Iron Horse trail, the Market Place (a commercial area that happens to have restaurants representing almost every cuisine that I like), the swimming pool and jacuzzi which is literally almost ten feet from my apartment and is even viewable through a relaxing lagoon with water fountains, and of course I will miss its proximity to the rest of the bay area. I had read that the Central Valley is about 10 degrees hotter than the East Bay (no hooray from me). One thing I do like about my new location is that I will be closer to Los Angeles, Las Vegas, and the rest of Southern California, so that might allow me to do some weekend drives and visit friends and relatives when I have the urge and the money to spend.

Here I come Delano. Here I come EDD. Wish me luck.

The Weight Watchers Meeting

2009-06-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

I actually dreaded going to my first Weight Watchers meeting. What I pictured in my head is going to this place that would have an atmosphere similar to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting (not that I have been to the one, but I have seen some TV shows and movies depicting it). I also dreaded the fact that I would probably be the only guy attending the meeting and the feeling would be akin to watching a movie like "Confessions of a Shopaholic" (again, not that I have done this).

I walked to the Weight Watchers center since it was located in the commercial area just adjacent to my apartment complex. I was greeted (or in my case, not greeted) by the receptionist in a very business like manner. She actually never even said anything until I explained this is my first meeting and that I had registered online. She was still very matter of fact, asked me to weigh in on the scale, gave me materials and I sat down. So much for the warm welcome, I thought to myself.

There were only six attendees for that Wednesday morning. I was actually concerned at first that there would be only one or two of us attending, as I saw from the start, but the other members trickled in. Some hesitated on whether to stay or not, but they decided to stay. They already paid their weekly dues anyway, might as well get their value.

The meeting leader was named Liz and she was a very good facilitator. She tried to get everyone to talk. She had a good sense of humor, and she delved right in to the week's topic of Breakfast. Quite perfect, I thought, as recently I had been skipping it all together or even grabbing the McDonald's Deluxe Breakfast (which is a whopping 1000+ calories in one eating). She gave us tips on not skipping breakfast, avoiding coffee, and asking other members what worked for them in their breakfast. There was oatmeal, poached eggs, smoothies. I was boring when I did my healthy breakfast. Cold cereal and soy milk. Easy to prepare and cheap to buy.

As the meeting closed after a quick thirty minutes, and I was given a one on one getting started lesson as I was the only newbie at the time, I found that the meetings do help. It was nice to see other people going through the same thing I am, going on the Weight Watchers diet and hearing their struggles and advice. I have not found my favorite meeting yet (I tried this Monday morning, in which surprisingly there was a guy attending, and with his two year old son at that), but I might stick with Mondays just because it frames the whole week for me on what to do.

5 pounds so far. 50 more to go.

Health is Wealth

2009-06-17T06:59:00.000-07:00

If health is wealth, I think I'm going broke. I've gone from a very respectable 175 pounds to an ungainly 210 pounds in just roughly 6 months. I've gone from running a half marathon to huffing and puffing with just 30 minutes on a treadmill. It's easy to blame by job status for this, but I blame myself.

Today, I start a course correction on my health. I've enrolled in Weight Watchers, not only online but the meeting components as well. The forty bucks a month may burn my wallet but I figure the payoff is worth it. I need the meeting component just to get a more social aspect to the weight loss. I just have to make sure I keep at it.

As for running, I really want to get back into it, but I'll have to start from scratch. I blame myself for signing up for a full marathon training program, but not even attending a single session. I recently changed my registration to a half marathon, but with six weeks left, I doubt I can make it given my weight gain and hit and miss training.

(Crossing my fingers).