Diamond Tears

ANNOYED

2013-11-21T02:07:00.000+09:00

I am supposed to write something for a guest writer segment on a travel blog but at the moment I am in super annoyed mode.

Since I can't express this annoying feeling verbally, I choose to write - purposely and hoping that the person(s) who are causing this unwanted stress will better understand the reason behind all these 'nonsense'.

First of all, lets make this simple - I am a simple person, but often I feel that my life is usually complicated because of a someone who (without the sense of realization) messes around with my cycle and space.

I usually end up with a stern (implied) warning whenever I try to mess around with others. So, I choose to learn at becoming as independent as possible. Noted that with the imperfections of mine, there are times where I cry out for others' aid as well. However, prior to making any kind of attempt, my brain and soul would already have suffered from the agony of silent argument that is forced upon to myself.

Growing up in Asia, I was taught to work my arse hard so I could be well accepted in the society. At the point when I thought school was hard, I was told that if I did not do well, I will end up being nobody. At the point when I thought my sanity was in jeopardy due to crazy hours of working, I was told that if I did not survive, I will end up being look down. At the point when I thought I could just be a typical lady who could depend on a man, I was told that I will be degrading a woman's status. And at the point when I thought that being older could at least give me some leverage, I was told that the world has changed (now) where I can't possibly expect the respect from others (including those younger by age or seniority).

All of the above are BS and those people who had the liberty to tell me all these are all liars.

When things were tough at school, I worked damn hard on my own to achieve - I didn't play around, I didn't date, I didn't slack off, and I certainly didn't cheat (i.e. going around to ask people to do assignments or homework is cheating to my definition).

When things were crazy at work, I was still doing it as if I wanted to kill everyone along the way because I needed to climb up that 'stupid corporate' ladder - I followed orders, I cried of being bullied by a nonsense boss, I became loud to push through my ideas, I performed, I certainly suffered from physically and psychologically. All alone - no cursing, no complain, no whining, no backstabbing talk.

When I see so many 'feminine' girls and women go around claiming that they don't need to do much because they can fall back to someone (boys/men), I ended up being so confused. Weren't they supposed to feel ashamed?

All these, I could still tolerate. It was definitely due to my stupidity that I was blinded by the scary thoughts of rejected by the Asian's standard.

The last one, however, is still bothering me much.
If respect is to be earned, and
If respect is primary justification for a person to decide on certain action;
Why must I act in contradict to the above?

I personally admit that it is easier for me to lend a hand to strangers - provided that they smile and warmly open up themselves.

I personally admit that it is easier for me to trust strangers - provided that they don't act up and deliver consistently.

I personally admit that it is easier for me to tolerate+accommodate to strangers - provided that they are not judgemental and show their understanding for me to being myself.

So, if you are someone who happens to know me (about to, just had or already have) and suit with all the provisions stated above, I am sure I would not be annoyed, like I am at the moment.

********
I don't feel like writing more as of now. I do know one thing, that, if situation really get worse, there is no more tolerating or accommodating - because I can (and please don't underestimate) just pack and leave.

PS. It is well aware now that my 'don't care' attitude is getting at many nerves at the moment. There is an old saying, "Don't judge a book by its cover!" and by all means, now that the cover is all torn up - you get to see everything inside the book.

Random thoughts marking half year of 2013

2013-07-22T05:54:00.000+09:00

When I first started writing on a public blog, it was mainly because I wanted to share my content with the general public. After so many years, the reason stays the same. However, as I learned the tips and tricks of online marketing, I decided to separate my content into different blogs. Also, as I started writing more, my childhood dream of becoming a writer started crying louder. Honestly, instead of being known as blogger, I rather have people to acknowledge me as a writer. It is mainly because regardless of the delivery method, in the end, I am utilizing my knowledge and skills in writing.

Enough with my initial thoughts about writing.

********

Today, I would like to share my thoughts about becoming a full time writer. Prior to making blogging, writing and traveling as the ONLY cup of tea, I was just like most of you all - dressing up in a suit to fit in an organization. It was true that I was making thousands of dollars monthly, driving a good car and in the journey of climbing up the corporate ladder.

Fast forward to July 2013, I no longer have any suit in my closet since I do not have to drive to the office. I am no longer in an organization, and with that fact, I no longer earn thousands of dollars. In another words, I am a poor work-from-home writer.

I must say that life is not so easy as I go by my daily schedule nowadays. I had a plan when I quit my job in 2011. I also had some savings to help me start my new ambition at that moment. Despite knowing the fact that I hardly have lady-luck besides me, I keep on trying to fight for 'what I think' my happiness.

So, I ended up in bed - without the ability to use one of my leg. It was a bit unfortunate when I had to experience that accident. While many was confident that I would regret my decision and soon go back to doing what I did best, I still found it hard to bring myself to sending out resumes and trying to go back working for big corporations.

Fighting for myself is super hard. Personally, I have brought myself at the edge of a cliff at the moment. Jumping is the only option now. It is up to me when I should make that jump.

Jumping would immediately means that the journey after that would be one of the hardest in my life. I wonder why am I still standing on this edge? Is it because I am still fear of failing or just over thinking about the petty things?

*********

For those who have been coming back to this blog for new Japanese words practice, I will be posting new lessons soon.

My schedule for the past month has been hectic (despite me being unemployed), so it was hardly feasible for me to be on a computer with enough time for anything other than checking my mails or updating my social network streams.

Till next time.

「日本語」その日の練習の言葉 No 3

2013-06-04T20:30:00.000+09:00

NOUNS

キロメトール　
(EN= kilometer)
例
１。じそくひゃくごじゅっキロメートル。
２。あそこ　まで　何　キロメトール？

ネジ
(EN= screw)
例
１。マイナスネジ。
２。プラスネジ。
３。くぎ　の　かわり　に　ネジ　を　つかってたな　を　とりつけなさい。

給料「きゅうりょう」
(EN= salary)
例
１。給料　は　いくら　ですか。
２。わたしは、まいつき、しょうがく　の　給料　と　ぶあい　を　もらう。

牛肉「ぎゅうにく」
(EN= beef)
例
１。あの　牛肉は、とても　おいしい。
２。こんや　は　牛肉　に　しますか、とりにく　に　しますか？

皿「さら」
(EN= plates)
例
１。お皿　を　あらいましょう　か。
２。皿　を　かわかす。

Don't forget to practice!!!
Do you understand the example sentences? If you do, write them in the comment section.

Learn more at JapanesePod101

This entry is by Makiko S (^_^)//

「日本語」その日の練習の言葉 No 2

2013-05-25T20:00:00.000+09:00

NOUNS

牛乳　「ぎゅうにゅう」
(EN= milk)
例
１。ぎゅうにゅう　は　からだに　よい。
２。しんせんな　ぎゅうにゅう　を　のむ。
３。ぎゅうにゅうは、こどもに　とっても　おとなに　とっても、カルシウム　の　じゅうよう　なせっしゅげんだ。

協会　「きょうかい」
(EN= church)
例
１。しろい　きょうかい。
２。おおくの　キリスト　きょうと　が　まいしゅうに　ちように　きょうかいに　いくこと　が　たいせつと　かんじている。

誕生日　「たんじょうび」
(EN= birthday)
例
１。たんじょうび　かい。
２。つぎの　かようび　は　わたしの　たんじょうび　なので、パーティーを　します。

下着　「したぎ」
(EN= underwear)
例
１。ほおんせい　の　よい　したぎ。
２。わたしの　くつした　と　したぎ　は、けしょうダンス　の　いちばん　うえ　の　ひきだし　に　はいっている。

PHRASE

外国為替　「がいこくかわせ」
(EN= foreign exchange)
例
１。でんしけいじばんで、がいこくかわせ　レート　を　みなさい。

Don't forget to practice!!!
Do you understand the example sentences? If you do, write them in the comment section.

Learn more at JapanesePod101

This entry is by Makiko S (^_^)//

「日本語」その日の練習の言葉 No 1

2013-05-22T02:17:00.000+09:00

NOUN

エレーベータ
(EN= Elevator)
[例]
１。こんでいる　エレーベータ。
２。ひとつ　の　エレベーター　は　うえ　に、ひとつ　の　エレベーター　は　した　に　むかっています。

メイン料理　「メインりょうり」
(EN= Main course)
[例]
１。メイン料理　は　ぎゅうにく　と　やさい　です。

２。こんや　の　メイン料理　は　やきざかな　です。

３。メイン料理　の　ぎゅうにく。

ひげ剃り　「ひげそり」
(EN=Shaving razor)
[例]
１。その　だんせい　は　つかいすて　ひげ剃り　で　あごひげ　を　そっている。
２。つかいすて　ひげ剃り。
３。ひげ剃り　で　あごひげ　を　そっている。

VERB

検査する「けんさする」
(EN= Inspect)
[例]
１。しんちょうに　検査する。
２。ルペーで　検査する。
３。その　くに　に　はいるとき、バッグ　を　検査されますよ。

恐れる　「おそれる」
(EN= Fear)
[例]
１。きけん　を　恐れる。
２。きゅうけつき　は　たいよう　を　おそれます。

Don't forget to practice!!!
Do you understand the example sentences? If you do, write them in the comment section.

Learn more at JapanesePod101

This entry is by Makiko S

Thoughts that were left undescribed

2013-05-14T03:21:00.000+09:00

I cannot deny the fact that I was gifted with certain corporate-related and management talent. I was also gifted with relatively good brain. Never in my life I fell any less blessed by those talents. I went through my old diaries and journals recently; my annual ritual. It came to another realization that although I knew from the beginning about those talents, I was so much arrogant in the past. With those gifted talents and together with the urge to prove (I cannot remember anymore now, to whom & why), I had pushed myself so hard, emotional and psychological especially. Those two pairs are never meant to be, as I achieve more my hunger for more became too dominant. Now I know the reason behind my mom's complaint, "You're too proud and arrogant."

As I grew up and started earning money, those talents are commonly rewarded by monetary value. Once again, due to peer pressure and environment, money and power suddenly became the devil inside me. I probably was too proud knowing that by using my brain and the skills I have, it so easy to prove to anybody that making achievements were easy, so does money.

Now, after two years leaving the full-time employment cum corporate world, I do not feel the hunger of those achievements and money anymore. Many, surrounding me, are scratching the heads over my choice. It is true that there are so many people who wish to be in the position(s) that I was in before. It is also true that there are so many people who wish to have such talents. Perhaps, in this entry, everything that I would pen-down is considered as an arrogant side of me. If it is, my sincere apology to the readers - this is never my intention.

When I used to think that I was the best, much later I realized that there is always better people/individual out there. When I used to think I earned the most, much later I realized that there are people who are getting more than I do. As much as I thought that I have had everything, I knew very clear that I was missing something in my life. Something that is (or perhaps are) beyond my verbal articulation; which is making others kept on asking me the same question, again and again.
At first I had tried my best to describe my situation.

"Did I make a wrong choice?" - that actually too often, if not, came across my mind.

Honestly, I know by fact that I used to have this ambition - "Jack of all trade" simply because I knew well of myself.

With some effort, it is easy for me to gain the knowledge and skills - be it in any field. Often, my hands were all over the place. None around me could understand the reason behind me changing so much and wanting to do so many things at one time.

In the end, my inner self was screaming so loud, asking me to stop - I just couldn't ignore it anymore.

I am more happy with small and personal achievement made now, than those big accomplishments I used to attain. Whenever I smile and laugh nowadays, I feel the sense of celebration - thinking back of me before, I wonder why was it so hard for me to smile and laugh?

Am I being too carefree now? I am still figuring out myself.

Simply writing

2013-04-08T05:06:00.002+09:00

Writing is probably the most difficult thing in my life. Despite being the hardest, the passion and love I have over writing (or should I say sharing stories) had never fade. Sometimes, out of the blue, I ask myself, why didn't I go to a proper school and learn the art of writing?

When I started to pen down my thoughts, I was only twelve. That first diary is still in my collection. Every year I would open up the collection box, flip every page and read all of them again. The time for that annual ritual is coming soon.

At this moment, after months of thinking, the only thing that I really want to do now is to write.

I have no degree in journalism nor creative writing.

I literally have no real support when it comes to writing.

Now I really feel like I'm in a movie or a tv drama.

I feel completely isolated. Completely being hated and outcasted - just because I WANT TO WRITE.

楽しいじゃないの〜〜

2013-04-07T04:42:00.000+09:00

最近本当に忙しいです。
もう２週間ぐらい新しい町に住んでいます。
でも、本物ところですか。。。
ちがいますね。実はここに家族のうちです。
むかしここに住みました。
かぞくのうちだからもどるってかもね
ここに住んだことが長かったけどなぜきもちがわるい？
着いたばかり時に楽しくなかった。
今までもう楽しいじゃない。
たぶん、ここで何をやりたいこともまだ知らないだからね。
ブログで書きたいけど時間がまだありません。
わるい
きらい
もすぐやることがしなきゃ〜
（笑）

マキコ＊＊

[Republish] Love versus Trust

2013-03-21T22:25:00.000+09:00

今回日本語で書いていません。前に、私は「Reality Check: The Air We Breathe」でふつなトピック書きました。今、そのブログで旅行書くだけ書いています。英語で前のエントリがも一回アップあげます。
**********
Original entry was published on Reality Check: The Air We Breathe on April 30, 2008.

Quote No. 1, “If you wish to find your life’s partner, get someone who is completely opposite from who you are.”

Quote No. 2, “Building a successful & strong relationship requires the ability to compliment each other.”

Quote No. 3, “It’s all about sharing and being comfortable with one and another.”

Nowadays, it is so easy to hear and read cases of break-ups. The concept of mutual understanding and beneficial relationship seem to be less significant over the development of society, applicable at various levels. Of course an ideal outcome of human interaction would be to have accumulative comfortable relationships, which definition includes matching the set of requirements of both individuals and the general public. Regardless of the background settings, matters arising from relationship issues have in fact influenced the shape of our future generations significantly, and society.

This time, I wish to share a very personal experience which I found to be quite suitable on this relationship issue. My concern is to highlight at the lowest level of the society structure, where one-to-one individual interactions are the foundation layer. The three quotes above are those common views that I heard over the years of learning how to build a relationship.

I have always believed that a relationship is built on love and trust. Without these two elements, no relationship can be build at all. When I was young, I was told that love is a feeling that is naturally born inside a person and so as trust. It was fairly easy to believe because I can clearly see how much love and trust through people’s actions and words. Inside my small family circle, everyone took great concern and attention over each other’s needs and demands. If anyone was summoned to do something, without fail that someone will get that something done. Simple gestures like kissing would mean love and words like ‘minta tolong’ (please help) indicate trust between two or more people. Watching the adults interacting with each other, I quickly learned copying them at my level of interaction with people around me. Only after quite some time I began to have questions on people’s reaction over the actions and words made by me because as I grew older, many of the reactions or responses I get did not match with what I saw from watching the adults.

As I ventured out from the family circle, I get to meet new people. Believing that love and trust are naturally born inside, actions and words in interactions were more or less the same. Often, I got negative responses from these new people when I do something or say something. Sometimes it got really nasty where too many questions were the responses I received. I remember being asked by a classmate, “Why teacher wants to see me?” and “How did you know the teacher wants to see me?” when I helped my home-room teacher to pass a message to her. Having to deal with these kind of responses had made me realized that trust is not something natural at all. Similar to love, many people refused to be kissed or hugged. When I asked why? The answer was simple, “You are not my mom or dad, so why should I allow you to hug me?” The response had also made me think that even you are somehow associated with another person; it does not mean that love is there to bind the connection. Over the course of life after I started having those questions, I learned to understand better about love, trust and relationship. One has to learn how to love and trust first before allowing the actions and words to influence the interactions between the two individuals. These interactions are the basis of any kind of relationship.

Since love and trust are knowledge to be learned, how does an individual participate in such learning (or classes)? Obviously no one has been enrolled into formal school where there are syllabus about love & trust.

Perhaps someone would want to share a thought?

***********

Note: Selected older blog entries from my other blog will be reposted here, since that blog now is solely focusing on travel writing. In any case, please enjoy my content and I hope at least someone can benefit from my writings.

An unknown dream

2013-02-23T08:05:00.000+09:00

Remember your dream when you were a little kid?

I believe everyone does have one, and if you are still on the road to pursue your dream or already living up to your dream, I would like to congratulate you.

Until I started to actually understand what does dream meant, everything that I knew about future endeavor was only 'ambition' - that, to my current definition, is something that you are to slave yourself in order to earn a living. Having said so, I was going through my school biodata card the other day and found something interesting on this matter. When I started my primary school, the teacher wrote "singer" in the ambition section. Whoa!!! where did that comes from? I couldn't even recalled that I like to sing while I was a kid. Singing is something that I just came to like after I reached puberty. I couldn't even find any evidence (i.e. photos or videos) where I would sing when I was a kid. I should probably say to my homeroom teacher that I wanted to become an "actress" because as far as I could remember, everyone who knew the kid-me always said that I like to act; mainly copying the characters I saw on TV.

Then when I went up to primary two, that ambition column had the word "doctor". At that point of time I knew exactly why I wanted to be someone in the white robe - it was because of "Doogie Howser". I could still remember how fascinated I was with Neil Patrick Harris (of course I didn't even knew his real name until recently) while he was doing his 'doctor' job. While I am typing this, I still find it funny that I actually wanted to become a doctor. I keep on asking myself if I did genuinely think before I gave that answer to my teacher.

Over the next few years during my primary education years, I supposed, I was being influenced so much by TV. By the 6th year of my school, the ambition column had shown that I wanted to also become an engineer, a designer and an artist (painter maybe??). Luckily, during the secondary school years there was no such thing as recording my ambition on my school biodata record. I can't even imagine what sort of profession that would be given to those teachers.

The term 'dream' had never came into my mind when I was in school or at home. Talk about growing up pains. Surprisingly due to the social standard and pressure in my country, people are telling their children of what kind of job they should inspired to venture based on the monetary value one would be able to earn in future. This matter, however, was a pressing issue for me; especially after I reached fifteen (15). To make matter worse, I was considered as gifted - because somewhere and somehow, no matter how lazy I was, I had always gave excellent grades to my parents << take note the bold words.

Many times I found that the system I was in had so many flaws. As a start, I found it absurd for all excellent students to be forced to take up science field in school. Just because he/she had good grades doesn't necessarily means he/she wanted to study the areas that would lead him/her to be a doctor or an engineer or a scientist. I had always been good in school, but at the same time I found that literature, arts, music, and films very interesting. At the time when the internet was made available to my house, I quickly went on a quest to find good reading materials that I couldn't get from the library - that includes an original screenplay from the lagendary blockbuster, "Titanic".

Since school system were not in place to assist me with the realization of this 'different' kind of interest, I thought it would be possible to at least talk to family; they were supposed to be the closest teacher and friends you'd have when you were a kid. Hmmmm...up to this point of typing, I am not sure if telling would make any difference or not (LoL!!!). Well, if you could understand the tone of this piece of writing up to here, you would be able to somehow guess. Bringing the matter home probably was the stupid-est idea I had ever had and done. I had an illusion that my dad would at least understand - because he actually was the first person who had exposed me to arts (he sent me to piano lesson, bought me TV for me to watch movies and stuffs, sent me to drawing and painting lesson, and got me tonnes of classic and modern literature books). I guess the society pressure had also influenced him so much. He was alright with the idea of me wanting to pursue arts, but... there would always be that short statement that would make my mind thinking twice, "you should do something you like and at the same time give you all the money for you to live happily"

Duhhh...at the age of 15, or 16 or 18 even - I had never had the real experience of understanding the value of money versus creating the actual values of my life. Naturally, I would think that earning more money would make me happy; mainly because I see people who were driving cars, wearing nice clothes and having big houses are those who were working as doctors, as lawyers, as engineers, as scientist or as university professors - these people were labelled happy.

Why did I choose to start this entry with a question on dream, when I have written nothing about dream but my memory on ambition and job?

In the recent years, I have been struggling so much with finding and trying to persuade myself, that those so-called career achievements made is, what happiness is all about. I did end up in art school for a couple of years. It was tough - mainly because I was not born talented in arts. I had interests and the journey to learn the art of making arts are basically a thousand times harder than those gifted naturally. With no one at home or among my close circle for me to turn to, I ended up dropping out from art school and went into studying business.

I have always like writing - I love telling stories. My collection of diaries and stories that I wrote are still intact, kept neatly in boxes in the attic. I still write nowadays, in blogs, in random books, in my pc, and more to that I do not only write, I tell my stories out to people. My stories may not be fictional like those you see done by Peter Jackson or Steven Spielberg. Most of my stories are based on our normal daily life - I love the real drama happening around us; they have so much colors, filled with sounds, scents, and sights.

It came to a point where I now started to question myself, if I have ever had a real dream?

２０１３みじかいのエントリ

2013-01-26T02:27:00.000+09:00

皆、お日察しぶりですね。
しずかになってごめん。

私の人生がちょっと忙しくて病気になった。
はやく元気になりたいけど、できるかどうか私も知らない。
日本語でもう何か書くのがまだ分からない。
難しいけど、しかたない。。。生きてるからがんばらなくとおもっているよ
今日、みじかいエントリだけです
今度、もう少し書く予定です。やくそくです！！
それとも、待って下さいね。

PS　先週、フィリピンに行きました。その国がきれいだしおもしろかった。また行きたい。

2012-12-12T08:11:00.001+09:00

I have not been writing for quite some time.
No specific reason.
I guess when there is no story to tell, so there is nothing to write.

It is December, again.
Soon the calendar will be changed to a new one.
Life can be cruel for many but for some cruel life is considered a blessing.
I guess there is somehow truth in that statement - when one has to live a cruel life, one will gain so much more compared to those who don't.

The urge and desperation I had over falling in love has subsided, significantly. No more pressure to follow whatever nonsense people are telling me. I live my own life - that has always been the one principle I follow. Yet, for some weird reason, I went astray.

Though I have not been doing anything, it seems so much things are happening in my life. While I am still learning to manage the anxiety of any given responsibility, I came to a realization that I could be so mellow and so soft.

Whether I like it or not of this new revelation - only time can tell.
Today is 12-12-12
I opened up my window, seeing a beautiful blue sky - perfect start of a day.
As the birds chirping sound moves the morning away, I am hoping that I can keep myself together to go through this entire day.

Love is still something that I have so much inside me. For this, I can never be selfish - just waiting for the person(s) who would want to take it from me, unconditional.

PS. I learned that my loved cat had returned to God. Obviously I cried and grieved of this lost. I just hope that he was greatly taken care by me and other while the four paws were roaming around on this earth. I gave him home and much love. You can never be replaced. Probably, it would be a very long time before another friend come into my heart. Rest in peace my dear Tony.

今日のことばです

2012-10-22T01:32:00.001+09:00

今日短いエントーリを書いています。
いろいろなこと考えていますけどどんな書く方を知りません。ごめん。

時々頭がいっぱいになって大変そう感じしています。
きらいでも何もしていないかもね〜

世界が大きいです
見えるところがたくさんある
会えるひとがたくさんいる
けいけんさせることたくさんある
どうやってかな〜

まだわかりません
明日新しいの日ですね
時間がまだたくさんあるですから
その時もっともっとかんげられますね
心配しないでください、マキコ

マキコより

日本語の漢字を勉強するのが難しい〜〜

2012-10-18T11:18:00.000+09:00

昨日、日本からメールをもらいました。
もらった時にもちろんうれしかったね。
しかし、そのメールを見たのですぐもんだいありました。
日本語の漢字が少しだけわかりますから長く書くものを読むことがちょっときらいだとおもっています。
そのメールに新年を書きました。よく読みたいけど。。。
＊＊＊＊＊

やっぱり、新年は万国共通で大事な人と過ごすものなんですね。日本の初詣(はつもうで)で地元の高尾山は混みますね。薬王院やくおういんというお寺が合って、山からの初日の出を見にくるお客さんなどたくさんの人が集まります。初日の出というだけで何かご利益がありそうな感じがじすね（笑

日本の新年はあまり花火とかをしないですね。町に人があまりいないですから。花火とかをするのは、夏のお祭りとかです。日本人は無宗教徒の人が多いので、新年の場合は神社や寺に、クリスマスは友達や家族とプレゼント交換をしたりします。たくさんのお祭りがあって、それはそれで楽しいですよ。

日本の学校も新年が開けて、すぐに始まるところがあります。1月4日～9日ぐらいには始まって、正月太りや休みボケをする生徒もいますね（笑

おせち料理やおもちはおいしいくて、食べすぎてしまいますし、自宅でゴロゴロ寝ていると少し太ってしまいます。ただ、年に一回しか食べれないと考えると、ついつい食べてしまうんですよね。

正月は三が日とも呼ばれていて、その三日間で正月を祝います。その三が日の間に近い親戚(しんせき)一同がおばあちゃんの家に集まって、飲み食いするという行為もあります。

後、お年玉！

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もちろん、友達に返事を書いて送りたいです。
だから、漢字を読むことが頑張りましょうね〜〜

マキコより

日を初めています

2012-10-14T09:11:00.002+09:00

今好きな歌を聞いています。
週末は最後の日だ。けど、今まだ早いでしょう：朝ですから。
って、明日は新しく週間です。仕事もあります。仕事が好きですが、大変だと思っています。大変ですがまだ好きです。わかるかな。。。

今週、いろいろなことをしています。好きなことやだのこと、ぜんぶあります。それから、ここは人生でしょう。なにがなかったら、人生じゃないの。心に何もないかも、頭で考えるのこともいっぱいがあるの。大変かどうか私も知らないの。けど、私の人生でしょう。

今年、きぼうがかんたんです。やっぱり、年がもそろそろ終わりみたいだね。欲しいなものがいっぱいがあるけどちからがないと思っています。だから、しずかな人生が一番欲しいです。

それで、愛をまだまだ探しているの。あきらめてじゃなくと思っています。

マキコ

何が好き？

2012-10-12T00:30:00.000+09:00

飲み物でコヒーが大好きです。
世界で日本が大好きです。
食べ物で何が好きな物〜〜あらら〜〜ないのかな〜いろいろな食べ物を食べて見たいのは好きですから。

今回のエントリ：何が好き
私は子供時からいろいろなこと経験するのことがいっぱいありました。父の仕事ためにいつもう旅行に行きました。初めてから最後の学校を出るまで、ぜんぶ６ばしょうに住んでいました。だから、見えることがいっぱいがありましたよ〜

学校をかわるのことがきらいでした。けど、人々と会えるのが好きだった。そして、いろいろなところを見えることもう好きだった。その時に私の人生は皆にあまりおなじじゃなかったと思っていました。その考えるのが好きでした。神様はいい経験もられてくれたので楽しかった。そう思っています。

世界は大きいでしょう？だから、ちゃんと見えて行きたいのことは欲しいです。世界で大切なものとかとくべつなこととか、いっぱいがあると思います。その考えるのためにいろいろなことが好きになりますよ。たとえば。。。

初めて日本ドラマを見た時に。。すぐ好きになりました。
初めて英語を話す時に。。すぐ好きになりました。
初めて旅行に行った時に。。すぐ大好きになりました。

昔、昔、ばかのことをたくさんやってみたかった。ばかのことでもじぶんで好きなことを見つけられました。そのことがよかったと思っています。ばかのことをやってなかったらたぶん今私は私じゃない。ちがうのマキコになるかな〜

今日はちょっと変なエントリですか。ここまで書いてぜんぶ私の考えるのことです。
ごめん。

マキコより

私のきぼう

2012-10-10T15:37:00.001+09:00

最近、いろいろなことをかんがえています。度して日本語を勉強のことが、ずっとあたまにかんがえています。私はマレーシアからにきました。日本語を勉強する始めて時に、日本へ行きたいとおもいますから、いっしょかんめいならいました。でも、そのときに今から、なんか１２年だ。湯名は湯名だね。今、まだマレーシアにいますよ。

私の日本語がじょうずではありませんとおもいます。誰で漏れ主のいないから、上手になることがちょっとむずかしいとおもいます。ずっと行きたい、日本へ。そのことは私の希望です。

ノート：このエントリは「Reality Check: The Air We Breathe」中に書きました。一年あとでもうまだ考えるのことをかわってないの。

マキコ

ばかのこと。そう思います。

2012-10-07T02:31:00.000+09:00

私は一人で住んでいます。毎日家にいつもいて、つまらなくなってそうでしょう。たぶん、一人で感じするのことがひどいかな。でも、家にいるのでいろいろなことをやっています。

私の仕事は会社にいるじゃない。まどにいるもうできるから、家にいる時も大丈夫と思っています。この人生はだめなのか。

時々パソコンを見ながら考えるのことがいっぱいあるよ。世界で人々はおおいでしょう。だからなぜ出て行けないかな〜。しょうじきな、そとに出ててきらいことをいっぱい見えてた。だから、出ることがきらいだ。そう思っています。家に一人いるもうきらいだけど、寂しくなる時にすぐベート行けるよ。そして、すぐ寝ろう。よく忘れたいよ〜まずいの感じ。

さっき、ベートの上に寝るつもりだ。でも、寝られないの。ひどい
やっぱり、考え過ぎみたいだね。ゆっくり休めばだんだんよくになるかもね〜

マキコ

なぜ日本語ですか。

2012-10-04T23:56:00.001+09:00

先週、友達は「ブローグ中に日本語で書く見たい」と言ってくれました。日本語が使いたいですが、マレーシアであまりちゃんと話すことをできません。日本語で話せる人はいませんから。実は私は日本語で書くのことがちょっとこわくと思っています。だから、あまり書いていません。しかし、使っていなかったらだんだんわるくつもりですね。そのことがやだ〜でしょう。もう１２年ぐらい勉強しました。上手にならなくてもったいないです。って、ここからゆっくり練習して見たいです。ブローグ中に日本語でエントリを書いて見ましょう。

なぜ日本語ですか。
むかし、むかし、子供時に、テレビで新しい国見ていました。毎日のドラマでした。ドラマはマレー語で、けど人々はマレーシア人見たくなかった。そのドラマのタイトールもうマレー語ではなかった。英語もうじゃなかった。「おしん」書いた見えました。パパに聞いて見たくて、日本のドラマを答えてもらいました。

テレビで日本は本当にきれいなお国だと思っていました。人々もう話す時に、優し見たい人でした。食べ物と着る物もうきれいだと思っていました。その時に日本が見たいと言ってくれました。何をドラマ中に見えるのはぜんぶ見に行きたいです。そう思っていました。

その未来は子供時に来なかった。パパが私は小学校時に日本へ行ったことがありました。日本から戻ってきて、かわいときれいなおみやげをたくさん買いて来ました。さっしんを見せてくれて、すごくきれいなばしょう見えました。

本当に行きたいです。日本に行きたいです。

きぼうは日本へ行きたいことですから、日本語を勉強しなければなりませんでした。だから、学校に出てすぐ日本語のクラースに入りました。初めて日本語を勉強するのは自分でやりました。日本語の本たくさん買うし自分でひらがなとカタカナをならうしかんたんのことばを読んでいました。

難しいですがおもしろかった。好きだから。

その時から今まで、もう１２年ぐらいです。今、日本に行ったら日本語でしゃべられますよ。日本人友達もういます。友達と話して日本語をいつもう使っています。日本語がまだむずかしくと思っています。でも、いつもうがんばっています。

私は日本語で話す時に一番幸せになります。たぶん、人生で一番大好きことだから。

今日、ここまでです。また。

マキコより。

My quiet life today

2012-09-29T03:19:00.000+09:00

If writing is considered as therapy, then I must have been suffering for quite a while now - since I have not jot down any single honest thought nor feeling that I have been harbouring inside. There has been many ups-and-downs for the past year, at least that is how I see the whole situation of my lonely self. One thing that really bothers me for a very very long time is the difficulty of getting to know new people, or in simple terms making friends. Somehow, it is so tough to make contact with the anyone new.

Is it because of my age or people are just becoming less friendly nowadays? It has become an extremely challenging task to exchange contact with anybody. Although I have not gone out much, but for every opportunity that arises for me to go out and mingle will definitely not be wasted. However, I realized that there is no new friend made every time I come back home at the end. Hurmmmm...I have also started to extend my presence online - I mean, trying to use those available apps on my smart phone, in hope to find at least any decent person to make contact with. Unfortunately, the most communication using these apps would be like 2 or 3 times max. Then, the conversation somehow died.

I would love to write more, sharing the pain that I am living now. Sadly, there are so many stuffs on my plate that I have to settle. I guess, I need to keep on lingering on every single bad thoughts and feelings that I have been keeping through.

Whatever the situation is now, so long that I keep on surviving - I hope nothing bad will come through.

Life can be pain in the arse - I don't have much rights to complain, do I?

NORMAL people are just being NORMAL

2012-06-28T01:40:00.000+09:00

I have been off this blog for quite some time now. Not that I didn't have anything to write, but I just couldn't make myself to do it. Though I had promised myself to regularly write off whatever nonsense in my life, at this moment I am suffering from tremendous emotional spin-offs - which would turn into a disastrous entry if I try to pen them all at once.

I had turned 30 back in May. While I kept on complaining about how life is miserable for me, a single Malaysian woman, I must say that moving into the next phase of life was kinda awesome - thanks to my Japanese friends who had entertained me in Tokyo. As soon as I landed back home, I came to a realization that it is just so unfortunate for me to be living in this country - there is nothing much that I could do. People cannot keep their mouth shut, even if they are fully aware of you getting hurt. It is part of this culture. I was literally screaming for help - trying to get myself in a wedding dress, so I could zip the mouth of others.

Now that I am back in home-soil and still single, there is nothing else I could do - just like always. If only I had the resources that could throw me away, far from all this crap, I would just buy a flight ticket and move to somewhere where status doesn't matter.
Here, there is too much distressing matters, which often suffocate - for me being just who I am. Firstly, I am officially unemployed and no longer motivated to climb the 'mighty' corporate ladder. So what if monetary 'thingy' is no longer an essence to me? I do acknowledge that one needs money to do tonnes of stuffs, but to slave myself for the sake of making better money doesn't sound challenging nor satisfying for me anymore.

Then, there is a constant question that I hear so frequent, which makes me annoyed, "When are you actually finishing your study?". I don't really need to clarify this, but it seems like when people bump into me, they don't actually see me on a regular basis. I remember seeing my friends or families or any new stranger, who was learning things about me, while I was still doing my degree, which was years ago. While I was working my ass off after graduation, none of them including me had the time to do catching up, and now having to go back to school for my postgrad degree, they suddenly reappear. The timing was just off, I guess, but still I kinda hate when people make such surprising remark.

Of course, the last thing, I now called "the mother of all headache", is the fact that I remain to be non-attached to anyone. It is utmost priority to start ditching the "when are you going to marry" question since I have enter the 3-0 club.
As much as I hate all of the above listed, there is no way for me to remove myself from this uncomfortable and annoying society, at this moment. This is when the phrase "Live with it" prevails in my life.

Yet, I keep on hearing those NORMAL people complaining about how their lives are miserable - COME ON!!!! They have a job, where they get to make money. The fact that they have a job means they also have a routine life where they go to work, meet people, accomplish something, and are already labelled in at least one of the social status tier. AND, they also have their own partners.

I guess these NORMAL people are just being NORMAL.

Oh Crap!!!

2012-04-02T04:46:00.000+09:00

This is damn too painful.

Life can be very cruel, at times. Never before I had to go through all these emotional troubles. Once I was given a piece of advice, "Journey to the top is lonely."

That statement is proven to be true. Nonetheless, while it was all lonely, before, I am now literally yelling my inner voice out loud just to shoo away this creepy silence. It is nerve wracking and creepy at the same time. Worse, I found myself lost because I could no longer see where I am going.

What was at the 'top', originally, now gives no significant in my current life. This is an honest statement of mine. Whilst I burnt and bruised trying to walk the path, the only reason that kept me going was avoidance. Expectation could be something lethal to oneself - that I learnt. Of others that I gained, is others will only know that the expectation is lethal if the person, who try to live up to those expectations, became an evident of fatality in the story.

I heard, this kind of situation can make people lost their mind - in other words, go crazy. I know myself that it is never too late to make new discoveries. Yet, at this rate, perhaps it is the insanity of living in darkness and silence that will eventually take away every remaining strengths that I still carry.

It is not solace that I wish at this moment, but the sickness that follows such darkness, silence and empty life of mine.

Passionately writing but no one reading. Really?

2012-01-20T17:30:00.000+09:00

Writing is part of my life. Ever since I could jot down the thoughts, the ideas, the opinions and the emotions afflicted to my life, pen and papers became my best friend. As technology catches up, instead of making the habit personal, I choose to pen down all those creative as well as emotional writing for public pleasure - blogging.

However, the hardest thing to do is getting people to read rather than the writing part, after almost four years of blogging. There are thousands of bloggers and potential readers in the country I live, yet to increase the interest of these people, to really understand and follow the content that were carefully written in English, seems the hardest thing to do as a writer.

If I were to blame Malaysian to being such a coward and lazy to accepting English blog content, it would also hurt my pride - because, obviously, I am also a citizen of the country. I have gone through thousands of blogs written by local bloggers where contents were as simple as personal diary to serious social problem issues - most of them written in Malay language. Perhaps in a week, after browsing through more than 100 blogs, I could only see one local blog that is written in English. It is so obvious that those writing in English are Malaysian Chinese or/and Indian, with very minimal number of Malay writers.

Having said so, it became a personal concern over the quality of English proficiency among my fellow countrymen. As much as I do have a steady number of visitors on my blog, monthly, the absence of comment for the entries had elevated many concern, "Does the visitor really read the content?", "Are they just here for the sake of blogwalking?", "Does they really care on interested in learning new things?", "Is my language too difficult for them to understand?"

As an individual in my adulthood, there is a dire need to highlight this kind of 'non-sense' happening among Malaysian. Unless the entry is related to gossip, entertainment, or/and contents that have no intellectual value - no one would pay the least attention at all.

Realizing this opinion may create uncomfortable feelings/ thoughts from those who are reading this, I wish to make my stand clear - this entry is not to tarnish or bad-mouthing anyone. Just like everyone else, writing is a passion that I wish to utilize for a greater purpose. For a start, I wish to see fellow local bloggers or blog readers make attempt to actually read and understand the content even though it is written in English. All of us learn English since the start of our school years - so, there should be no reason for not able to understand the language.

Note: Makiko S writes and manages Reality Check: The Air We Breathe since 2008, and also contributes content on TravelPod as well as MASTraveller.

We are pretty much Asian

2012-01-18T17:30:00.000+09:00

While I was growing up, especially in the first 5-7 years of it, I was bombarded with the American culture – of course through the thing we call TV. Thanks to this human invention, my English as well as communication ability were ridiculously developed to follow those Americans. Of course in between was also British English, which I soon learned from school. I became so comfortably with English language despite it being my second language. Perhaps the mixture of American and British English somehow had impacted me differently, creating a unique style of using English. Last year, while I was traveling, I was stunned by a comment from an English teacher – he thought I grew up and went to school in South Africa, due to my different accent ^_^

Although it was very much westernized, many of my personality and sense of thinking are pretty much influenced by the Asian culture. For the next three quarter of my life, my entertainment exposure was very much moulded by countries closer to mine. I remembered clearly when I was in primary school, the amount of Cantonese dramas and movies – including music – came from Hong Kong. Almost everyday after school, I had my seat dedicated in front of the TV, watching as many drama series I could – more than my school homework, I believe.

Then secondary school years hit me. Of course, at the time when I was in dire need to improve my English knowledge for the sake of examination, my attention changed to the Hollywood scenes. However, it was also the time when the booming of the Indian (Bollywood) cinema scenes took place in our country. Hence, weekend wise, my seat will be in front of whichever TVs in the house – indulging the beauty shown in those Bollywood movies.

In the second half of my high school education years (until pretty much in college), it was the explosive era of the J-Pop music and Japanese dramas. Surely there must be so many of you, fellow readers, who still remember how big it was. There was even several Japanese radio programmes, aside from those in TVs. I had a fair chance, to not only fell in love with the Japanese culture but to also learn the language itself. I am proud to be able to speak the language, in addition to the existing language abilities I have.

After a while, I realized that my interest had also turn to those lovely Taiwanese entertainment scenes – drama & music. Suddenly I found myself speaking Mandarin with my siblings – for the sake of admiring the TV shows and music we shared.

One may think that after you became an adult, one is pretty much mellowed and would not care more of those sudden phenomenon caused by entertainment explosion that newly originated from elsewhere. When the Korean wave hit my country, it seems like, as always, the teens are more of the targeted audience. Of course the soap dramas are meant for the older generations, the amount of programmes that are very much entertainment based, are those dedicated for the teens and youths to enjoy, me included. I enjoy listening and singing to the music no matter from where they come from. I enjoy watching movies or dramas from all around the world. The Korean ones included.

Albeit the pressure of improving English and embracing those westernized mentality for the sake of being competitive, I know for sure that a big part of myself is pretty much Asian. From the eyes of my fellow friends and those who became acquaintances to me, they could see very clearly how my personality has been delocalized, compared to the majority. Yet, the Asian side of me; which I am very much proud of sometimes stuns them.

I am sure there are so many out there who had experienced the same and share similar thoughts on this. In the end, we are pretty much Asian, aren’t we?

Where did my anger go?

2012-01-14T17:30:00.000+09:00

In my journey of growing up, I lost several things – one of them was temperament. It seemed natural for first born to have difficult temperament, and because I was one, in family, it was beyond expectation whenever I showed my anger. It was, all, real and most of the times the instances were extreme - my voice could literally shake the entire neighbourhood.

I wonder when did the 'lady lion' in me went away from me? Throughout the years, slowly I realize that I have become such a mellow person. In many instances, instead of throwing fights, I resorted to withdrawal. Not that I like to declare a defeat – it just felt wrong.

Now, there are no more yelling, no more making scenes and worse I hardly feel anger inside me. This, should not be healthy, right? Psychologically, anger is a part of a human being. Anger, according to what I have learned is a psychological and emotional condition that involves channelling a large amount of energy physically.

I always watch in TV of the body language the actors play when they are supposed to act angry. Why have I not experience all that? How could I have trained myself to be such state, whereby the most I could experience is to be fairly upset?

Sometimes, I am being forced to act angry - it became a very difficult topic for me. I could be extremely uncomfortable or frustrated or too upset over ‘stuffs’, but I could never let myself to allow such negative energy inside me. It would not be accurate if I said that I do not experience temperament at all, because temperament does not constitute only anger.

Any psychologists out there that can help me explain over this condition?