Diana's Fiber Meditations

Artistic Appreciation in Knitting

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 21:08:00 +0000

When I pick up this sock yarn to knit I am struck by the magnifisense (sic) of color. I feel like I am knitting an impressionist art painting, that of Monet or Van Gogh. I see a sun setting behind a quiet blue/purple lake in the forefront surrounded by a field of tall green grass and pink wild flowers, the light reflecting its last rays of dusk making the water sparkle with the movement of the gentle waves and making the pink flowers glow as the light catches them just right.

Can you hear the crickets starting to chirp their love songs as dusk falls? Did the fiber artist know how this yarn would create such beauty or bring such a vision to my mind?

This was my moment of "hygge", my cozy place today. I drink it in......

The Cozy Life

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 12 Mar 2017 03:12:00 +0000

Lately, I have been thinking and feeling like something was missing from my life. Could it be happiness? Since losing my husband 6 1/2 years ago, I have been searching, just like everyone else, for some meaning to my life. Is my 61 years of my life something that makes a difference in this world?

I initially had a plan for my life. Like every woman, one dreams of a happy childhood, education, marriage, a career, raising children, their children grown, settled or in a marriage, retirement, and then grandchildren to keep one busy and purposeful. Before all came to fruition, it seemed to change too soon. I have actually achieved much of this, and some of it heartbreakingly disappointing. I felt that something was missing and like many, I prayed to God to reveal what he wanted me to do next. How I can be happy in my end days without a spouse?( “Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” Matt 11:28)

I have come to realize that I can never be totally happy with someone (a man) who did not share my cherished memories of the ups and downs of my life. I didn’t know if I had the energy to take on a blended family and another person’s memories that I was left out of. Would I ever feel whole and connected? Do I really want to complicate my life and finances again? With another spouse, there would always be an emptiness and separation from those memories. Perhaps I am better content discovering what I can do to make myself happy with God as my sole leader and guide.

So, when I felt the need to get away, I decided to go on vacation alone with God. I wanted to rebuild my confidence and drive myself far enough away from home, to avoid distractions and listen to God. It was like being as Jesus, going into the wilderness to be tested and to prepare for his ministry. I looked forward to the adventure.

It was the best 8 days I have ever spent. I did things that made me happy. I rested, I knitted, I read my Bible, I listened to the rain (heavy for 3 days), and I slept in a very cozy and comfy bed. I took walks and drives and experienced mindfulness of my surroundings and really “felt” the moment; the beauty of God’s world in the rain and green hills and fields of central CA, the relief from caring for anyone but myself, imagining enveloped in a great big hug from God. I was creative: took some knitting classes, planned some decorations for my home, and felt inspiration flooding through me. What I heard internally was “Daughter, you have worked hard and now it is time to rest. You are loved, you are special, and now refresh yourself. Drink from my cool stream and renew your energy. Use your gifts as you have learned to help others and encourage them. Feed my lambs with your love and care.” It seemed to reset my world and refocus my direction on God and me. I realized that now I have permission to do some self-care so I can go out and care for others wherever God leads me.

And then, I was browsing Amazon and saw the title “The Cozy Life”. Wow! This is what I was trying to achieve. It is based on Hygge (Danish pronounced hoo-gah). Hygge is a Danish lifestyle (attitude) that has made them the happiest people in the world, so they say.

“ It is the intimacy you create, several times a day, on purpose in order to make life bearable or even very good."

Hygge is about being kind to yourself—giving yourself a treat, and giving yourself, and each other, a break from the demands of healthy living. It is based on connection with people and creating and sharing the cozy life in simple living. Yes, this I can incorporate in self-care and giving care and love to others. This could make me happy and purposeful. Isn’t God good to give me an understanding of all he has groomed me for my whole life?. I didn’t recognize it until now. It makes sense to me.

So, I now look forward to this mindset of creating a hygge environment in my home, among friends, family and people. In a nutshell, it is living “kindness”, my theme for this year based on Galatians 5:22-23. It is being kind to self and to others. It is also being mindful of gratitude and the life and blessings God gives you. This makes me “happy”.

Socks

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Wed, 28 Dec 2016 21:11:00 +0000

There is something comforting about knitting socks. As each stitch is knit I imagine the warmth this sock makes sitting near a warm fire in the cold of winter.

I reviewed a book I had in my library called Socks from theToe Up by Wendy D. Johnson. This book is the primer to knitting socks in different ways. In the past, I have learned to knit socks from the cuff down with a traditional gusset and Kitchener stitch closure. I have struggled, as many do, with the Kitchener stitch. No matter how much I try, I still have not mastered this stitch and my toe closures have been somewhat bulky in trying to hide the holes that remained from my missteps. When all is said and done, I frequently have left over yarn that is too little to do anything with.

My previous attempts at “toe up” have been disasters. The heels have always been a challenge. Wendy provides several different ways to do the heel. I was intrigued with her instruction of the gusset heel instruction that did not require any picking up of stitches. It only required simple m1 increases and ssk/k2tog decreases and I could do the magic loop method using one long circular needle for the whole sock.

The results were joyously surprising. The heel looked perfect and fit perfect. No holes. No odd or mismatched patterning in the yarn. I was able to try on the sock before knitting the cuff to ensure the length was right and comfortable. The self-striping yarn came out very nice, as if it was designed that way.

I am a very happy woman. Having had success in the first sock, I had no trouble knitting the 2^nd and the same thrill felt as I looked at the results. I just could hardly put it down. The Carlos and Arne Regia looked great in the sock. I was able to use most of the yarn on the skein, knitting the sock up to the mid-calf. I used the Jeny’s Surprisingly Stretchy Bind off to finish it. This provided a comfortable stretch. Video can be found at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol8aZ7z_ISs. This, too, was a great success and does not bind. I cannot wait to wear them.

Getting Ready For Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 11 Dec 2016 05:34:00 +0000

I’ve been thinking more and more of returning to my knitting blog. Since retiring from my Nursing job with the Head Start Program in July 2016, I find I have more time to pursue my knitting and other assorted interests.

In the summer, our household added a gentleman from my church who needed to rent a room.. After much prayer and contemplation, I felt God calling me to meet this need. It provided him with needed shelter and gave me a worthy Christian service to address some of his health needs with my expertise in nursing. The companionship was a win-win situation for both of us and this arrangement has worked out well thus far. It has also given me a subject to knit for.

He is a one legged amputee and as winter approached, the need for hard-to-find, well fitted socks presented itself. As I was sorting through my UFOs (unfinished knitted objects), I ran across some Opal socks I had started for my Dad who had passed away 5 years ago. I feel a little sad that I never finished them for him, but now I have an opportunity to repurpose them. Originally, I designed a sock that was not to be constrictive (for swollen ankles), with a 2 by 2 rib on 80 stitches. I had only finished the ribbing for an ankle sock at the time. Since Mr. C was a taller man with a large foot, I decided to make a knee sock. I adjusted the heel and gusset to fit his larger ( Size 16 shoe) and higher instep. At the end of the ribbing I changed to a 2 by 3 rib for about 1 inch before starting the heel flap. This accommodated the higher instep without binding the foot at the ankle joint. The sock was now renamed Chris’s sock. How nice I only had to do one sock…..perfect to avoid 2^nd sock syndrome.

Another UFO that has been languishing was the Celtic Throw I was making my son. The blanket is made with 2 strands of worsted weight yarn held together. The pattern is very beautiful with a Celtic design, but as it grew, it became very difficult to manage with the weight of it. This, however, will be exactly what my son likes. It was planned to fit a twin bed but I decided to end it shorter and resulted in a square throw. I think it will still give good coverage on a bed or sofa. Yet I am glad it is now finished and ready for Christmas giving.

Having Mr. C in my home has given me an opportunity to meet and get to know some of his friends. One is a single dad with 2 preadolescent daughters, that hold an affection for Mr. C. They are always concerned for him. These beautiful charming girls has given me a chance to make some knitted items for them. It seems they like Minions. So I made a couple of Minions hats for them for Christmas. It was a fun project.

Christmas is always a time of remembering; remembering your childhood Christmases, the traditions you had while you raised your children, the people who shared Christmases with you who are now gone. There are glimpses of melancholy and sadness that are fleeting. However, I am trying to rejuvenate the Joy of Christmas and this year I had a little time on my hands. So I decorated…… and celebrated Advent with my new housefriend. It is such a joy to bring the Spirit of Christmas to one who has no family and never had a real joyful Christmas in the past. I hope yours is a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Eager Hands to Spin

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sat, 23 May 2015 17:42:00 +0000

Proverbs 31: 10-31

“A wife (woman)of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies…..She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands…..She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family….She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks….In her hand she hold the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers….she makes coverings for her bed ; she is clothes in fine linen and purple. She is clothed with strength and dignity….Her children arise and call her blessed…

How many times have I sat down to spin some yarn on my spinning wheel and think of these verses? God knows the joy and peace this lovely craft gives me. It quiets my mind and allows me to listen and talk with my Lord of my life.

I am amazed at the many opportunities I have discovered this year for finding peace….a feeling of rest from worries and grief of the ones I have lost. In these moments I surrender to God…letting go of my troubles and fears and letting him fill my mind with accomplishment as I make from a raw fleece something , warm, soft and beautiful with my hands.

As I have regained my desire to spin again, not to say I have given up on knitting, I find a happiness that I thought I lost. Since I lost Walter, I haven't spun much at all. Spinning is a time to peacefully reflect on my life and pray for people as I imagine the yarn I create as the connection to important people in my life past and present.

I finished a Mitered square blanket knit with the colorful handspun yarn I have saved over the years. I had no idea it could be made into something so lovely. It inspired me so much that I started another one out of blue shades of handspun yarn.

I have been reading carefully the latest edition of “SpinOff” magazine. I found a very easy scarf pattern to knit. I search through my stash and found a white very soft yarn. Im not sure whether it is wool or alpaca or both. I am somewhat inclined to believe that it is both since it is stretchy and bounces back and is so soft and luxurious to touch. It would feel cozy and glorious around a neck on a cool night or day. The pattern has garter stitch and feather and fan patterns in it. It is something I have to count and concentrate on as I always have difficulty memorizing this type of pattern.

I have finished spinning and plying a beautiful 4 oz. pink dyed roving braid I purchased at Stitches a few years ago. It is a very soft merino and turned out to be close to a sport to dk weight yarn…all 360 yds of it. I am wondering if I should make a scarf out of this too.

I love my new Hansen Electric Spinning wheel. It was a Birthday present to myself. It is small and lightweight and very easy to control. I haven’t yet taken it on a trip. It came with a car plug adapter and I purchased a 12volt battery to take it anywhere without electricity. I am in love with spinning again. I could easily get up at 4am every day and find a variety of spinning and dyeing projects to work on till I go to bed at night. But alas, I have to work and this takes up my daytime. Yet, I can still dream……Thank you, God, for blessing me.

Handspun solutions

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Fri, 06 Mar 2015 14:01:00 +0000

Cleaning out storage has brought me face to face with my stash…..my handspun stash. Years ago I took up spinning my own yarn. Yes….from a dirty sheep fleece to dyeing the spun yarn into skeins. Since I am a process knitter, it was the process that interested me, not necessarily the product. It was a skill I learned until other interests took hold….or rather drew me back into knitting purchased wool. So my handspun stash hibernated in plastic bags in my storage crying out every once in awhile to “Knit me, knit me”.

So now, I have these many plastic bins of handspun yarn. I didn’t think I had enough of the same type of yarn to make anything big. Since knitting the Rainbow mitered blanket again, I wondered how it would look to knit one in handspun. Small amounts of different colors and breeds did not matter. So I started one. I am thinking that I can make small throw blanket or lap robes to give to charity. Even if someone mistakenly felts them, they would make some fair rugs or dog/cat blankets. So now I have a new charity project. Yet, knitting it gives me some satisfaction and purpose in this world.

I’m still struggling with finding my role in this world without a partner, but as long as I have my home to love, my son to keep me company, and a job to keep the bills paid, I am somewhat content. Finding “Peace” in decorating my home and my knitting brings me joy. Someone said that “Joy doesn’t just happen. You have to choose Joy and keep choosing it every day.” There are days this is easier said than done but for now I am at peace.

Happy March!

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 01 Mar 2015 19:19:00 +0000

Happy March!

February has just slipped away. It always seems like a short month because it ends on day 28 and is filled with several holidays and events (i.e. Lincoln’s birthday, Valentine’s, President’s Day, etc.). It was Heart Health and Dental Health month.

So here we are in March, aka “Green Month” and also National Nutrition Month. This month has inspired me to decorate my house. Since I am spending very little time elsewhere other than my home and my job, I wanted to make something beautiful to keep me happy. I found a few Green and gold things at Michaels Crafts that made me happy. Yes, they really are green and gold, not black and blue…..it seems color has been in the news lately. I still don’t understand why people see color differently unless they are color blind.

I also just finished my Beige socks, which came out so soft and nice. I still have some yarn left from the $2.00 skein of super fine Woolike Yarn from Loops and Threads. Perhaps I may be able to make some baby socks or save the leftovers for a rainy day when I can make some striped socks.I need to wash and block my finished socks. The ribbing seems a little loose but it fits my foot. Whether they stay up is something I will need to find out. I casted on 80 stitches with these socks. The next pair I make, I will try 72 stitches.

I started a Knit Picks Rainbow Miteredblanket a time ago. It is made with Rainbow colors of Knit Picks Brava SportYarn on Size 5 Bamboo needles. Four panels of 5 x 5 squares are knit, picking up stitches with each square to reduce the sewing together. I am working on my third panel of blues and greens.

I am in love with color. Perhaps I’ll start to knit something green this month…..

Searching for Peace

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 19:34:00 +0000

I am getting my knitting mojo back. Knitting seems to be one of the things that can bring my anxious feelings under control and give me some peace. Peace is my goal for this year….”For the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace……”. Life seems to give one ups and downs. We can choose to feel out of control or strive to find peace in the chaos of life. It takes a lot of effort for me to deal with the disappointments of life but God leads me to find Peace through my knitting. One must be still and concentrate on what one is knitting.

I have taken up the challenge of knitting socks again. One day as I went on a long walk around my small town of D….., I decided to stop at a local place to have some breakfast and rest. The day was sunny and cool in the 60s. A slight breeze was blowing…..it was a perfect day to appreciate God’s gift to us…his world. As I finished eating my meal, my thoughts were absorbed in my finished knitting projects and yearning for something new. My favorite craft store, Michaels’ was just a 15 minute walk further, so I decided to see what new things Michael had to inspire me in a new project.

Lo and behold, I was excited when I found ALL the yarn was on sale. The one thing I did not need was more yarn. I had promised myself to knit up all the yarn I still had at home, but temptation got the better of me when I found a very soft ball of “Woolike” yarn in assorted colors for $2.00 a skein. It had over 600 yds and was super fine, but OH! So soft. It was 85% Acrylic and 15% nylon. Perhaps it was time I tried to knit a pair of socks again. I couldn’t help myself. I bought 10 skeins of different colors. This should make a pair of socks from each ball.

I wasn’t sure how this yarn would behave on my needles so I knit a swatch in Size 2 needles as was recommended on the label and Size 1. The size 1 swatch looked better for socks. I found a Generic Sock Pattern by Kate Giberton Ravelry and I did a 2 x 2 ribbing for the cuff, but it seemed a little loose. Nevertheless, I pushed on. With the new yarn I decided to do a “Vanilla (plain) Sock Pattern”, to see how it behaved.

It was glorious. I love it’s softness. I couldn’t stop. I kept finding myself wanting to knit it every spare moment I had. The fine stitches nearly left me blind and at times I resorted to working under a magnifying glass. As I worked down the sock, it became easier to knit. The yarn held together nicely without splitting. It has a fuzzy halo which contributes to its softness. I’ve just about finished with the first sock and can’t wait to get going with the 2^nd sock.
My next project will be to knit with a Burgandy color which may pose a challenge in seeing the stiches, but I will persevere in my continued search for peace.

Perseverance: A Woman's Work

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 07:21:00 +0000

Repairing my house and learning all the skills needed to do so, has given me a great respect for the construction Men and Women who do this day in and day out.

It is really hard work to do a good job at making something beautiful. Before this, I had never paid much attention to the details in the materials and tools….the types of putty and patching….which is the best type of putty knife to use to get the best even patch? What grades of sand paper to use for what job? What kind of wall texture is there? What the heck was “orange peal”? Do I use flat-paint, satin, semi-gloss or enamel? Primer or non-primer? One-coat or two?

The big thing for me was learning to use a Mitered saw. I did my research and bought a small 7 ½ in. saw that was easy to handle. The first hurdle for me was to get over my fear of the noise. One can really loose their hearing being exposed to the high decibels for a long period of time. That fast spinning blade was quite intimidating and its no joke to take special safety precautions and make sure your limbs and fingers are in a safe place before you make the cut. I initially tried the less intimidating Mitered box that uses a hand saw. After two attempts at this and a sweaty brow, I knew it would be impossible for me to cut 200+ feet of baseboards for my house project. I just didn’t have the strength.

Strength! Wow, did I get a dose of reality! Men are more suited to this type of work because it takes brute strength to do this. Unless you are a weight-lifter woman, the average woman is not equal in strength or muscle. Even hammering a nail can be overwhelming to a little ole lady as myself. There were times I cried in frustration because I didn’t have the strength to do something, but graciously God gave me a brain to figure an alternate way to achieve the same result. I had to accept imperfection in my work, but I convinced myself that “No one will notice”……right?

There were times that I questioned myself, “What were you thinking, when you decided to do this project yourself?”. However, perseverance brought me confidence, added a measure to my self-esteem, and I saved a ton of money to have all I wanted repaired in my own timing. I asked myself, “Why? What do you hope to achieve?” Beside the finished product, I thought about how I am husbandless. So many thoughts came to mind about Walter, my late fix-it handyman, and his absence caused me many tears. However, tears are cleansing. Life goes on without him and I am trying the best I can. God is with me. He gives me strength.

Prov. 14:1 “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”

Prov 31: 17 “ She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

Prov 31:26 “She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”

To Everything there is a Season.....A time to weep and a time to laugh....Ecc. 3:1,4

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 24 Aug 2014 16:58:00 +0000

It’s amazing how God works in our lives. We may not fully understand why things happen the way they do, but in the end, when we trust him, he makes Romans 8:28 become real in our lives. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

My oldest son’s family was finally able to move to their own place and I had my home back, although a bit lonely. A few months later, my youngest son decided a closer commute to work was more appealing, and I invited him back home. We have a lovely time learning to cook and experiment with new dishes.

I feel God teaching me to cope with my occasional sadness and celebrate the joys. My job of 23 years was ending this summer of 2014. Regardless of this anticipated loss, I took a big leap of trust and committed to a major kitchen, bathroom and laundry room remodel. A wall was taken down but God was gracious and the remodeling went very smoothly and the result was beautiful. It gave me joy to see the potential of entertaining again in this big house. One great joy in my life was the Wedding of my 2^nd son. It was absolutely beautiful from start to finish. There is not been many times I had a chance to “gussy” up and have fun, and this was a beautiful celebration of love for a lifetime.

Son Alan, Me, Nora & Robby, and son Scott

A beautiful dream reception

One month after the kitchen remodel, a refrigerator water hose came apart and flooded almost the entire house overnight. Upon cleaning up, asbestos tile was found under the carpet and a major clean-up was done, paid for by my homeowners policy. I decided to do the remaining repairs myself and do all the things I wanted done and my contractor could not with the estimate they gave. One wonders if God had a hand in this? How is it possible that I was able to get everything repaired and still have money left from the insurance settlement? Of course, if someone had to pay me for my labor, it might be a different story. But what did I gain? A lot….not just money. I learned a lot of new skills thanks to Youtube videos, gained some new tools and supplies. My confidence rose. This labor kept me busy and focused as I also applied for a new job. I gained a few sore muscles too, but this was nothing compared to the results accomplished.

So now I have a new remodeled house, a new job and a new life to look forward to as I use God’s gift for His glory. Praise God for his Blessings!

Thanks........Giving

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 18 Nov 2012 15:58:00 +0000

Thanksgiving seems to be a time of reflection. We look back at our lives and visualize the events we’ve experienced or…..survived and count our blessings. We even look at those things that were not such a blessing, because that experience is now part of our past, has molded us, and changed us to a wiser and smarter person…..at least in the respect of not repeating these things.

For me, the blessings have come in the shape of friends. Friends who will listen to you and hear your joys and sorrows. Friends to give you that hug and physical affirmation that you still are loved and cared for. Friends who will come to dine with you at the last minute to fill that loneliness that calls at your door. Friends who are wonderful traveling companions to share the beauty of life and excitement of seeing new things and places in the world. Friends to share and re-inspire one in creativity and handcrafts. I am so thankful to God for these people. Wow! It sounds just like a family….and that is what it is….a Christian family.

Since this was originally a knitting blog, I feel ready to resume some discussion of my projects here. Over the past year my friend Dona has inspired me to knit again. We have made multiple pairs of Slipper boots for Samaritans Purse which collects boxes to give to Needy Children for Christmas. These quick slippers have helped me feel I am accomplishing something. It is also reducing my stash, although, I must admit it has not cured my yarn addiction. This weekend was the year Yarn Sale at Michaels Crafts, and I just couldn’t say no. Is there a Yarn Addiction Anonymous meeting I can go to?

The stories of people suffering from the cold after Hurricane Sandy has inspired me to make hats and scarves. I am trying to knit as fast as I can to send these items to World Vision, who is collecting warm clothes for the East Coast. The cold weather has just started and there are many months of cold weather left to survive.

So as my life is in transition (a state of moving on) in life, I still struggle emotionally, but I have some rainbows to celebrate along the way. God gives me some joy and small purpose to keep me going. I have learned to appreciate solitude more. Although with two grandchildren living with me, it is not so easy to have that golden silence. Nevertheless, there are moments I can hear my thoughts and pray for God’s voice to speak to me.

Open my eyes, that I may see

glimpses of truth thou hast for me;

place in my hands the wonderful key

that shall unclasp and set me free.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready, my God, thy will to see.

Open my eyes, illumine me, Spirit divine!

Open my ears, that I may hear

voices of truth thou sendest clear;

and while the wavenotes fall on my ear,

everything false will disappear.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready, my God, thy will to see.

Open my ears, illumine me, Spirit divine!

Open my mouth, and let me bear

gladly the warm truth everywhere;

open my heart and let me prepare

love with thy children thus to share.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready, my God, thy will to see.

Open my heart, illumine me, Spirit divine!

(Hymn by Clara H. Scott)

Search for Inner Peace

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 15:29:00 +0000

As I travel through this tunnel of grief from my recent and not so recent losses, little did I know that it would feel this way. I have looked from afar at others who are grieving, and somehow I was oblivious to the internal sorrow and pain of memories one experiences….until now. I am reading all the grief books. I am forcing myself to be among people to support me and keep connected. I am seeing a life coach to help me make goals for myself…..but…..how long does this feeling of emptiness and sadness last? Is there an end in sight? I used to be so strong and able to get past the challenges I encountered, but now I am feeling my life is no longer the familiar entity I once lived and thrived.

The longer time passes the more I seem to feel deeply what is missing. I didn’t think I would have any regrets. I have tried my best to be a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter and good friend, but now I do have regrets. I keep thinking…..if I had done something different, would my life have been better….happier? Time was so preciously short and I regret not having had more time with the people I lost or made that time even more eventful than it was. However, it takes two people to try to make something special. Why are relationships so hard?

As each day passes, I see more things that trigger memories and mourn that I cannot share the joy of that memory with that lost person. Is life going to be this way from now on?

Ok….so perhaps you are thinking, as I used to…..”If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!”. In other words….”If old memories are painful, make new ones!”. Sometimes, this is not so easy as it sounds. There are internal obstacles to conquer and self confidence to restore. I feel I am no longer the same person I once was. Its all about baby steps. I feel the need to slow down, appreciate and contemplate the world around me. Right now, it is difficult to fit into the fast paced world we live in. I search for answers and coping in God’s Word. I will let him speak to me and show me how I now fit into his plan or not. I will take time to knit and crochet to help me feel productive and calm my heart and mind. I will listen to my new Gary Bonner CD called “Whatever is True” from Phillipians 4:8,9…

”And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me---everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. (NLT).”

PEACE and LOVE……that is what I want.

Life is a Challenge!

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Fri, 18 May 2012 04:22:00 +0000

A Spring Flower found on my Walk to relieve stress

Life is a challenge. This is the first line of a book I read called “A Road Less Traveled”. How true this is!!! Whenever I feel like I’m in a comfortable place and coasting along, life puts another hill to climb, another obstacle to cross and life becomes very complicated.

Yet, I think we grow and learn more about ourselves with each experience. It is up to US, whether we conquer and succeed, or succumb to failure. If there is one thing I’ve learned in dealing with challenges, it is you don’t have to be alone. There is love and support out there if you will only have the courage to accept it.

It’s all about choices. As a person, responsible for our individual lives we have a choice how we are going to act, and how we are going to feel. There is no one who can make us do this or that. I pray constantly for the guidance of the Holy Spirit that dwells within me, but it is my choice to act or not and I must be responsible for it. No sense in blaming others for mistakes. Blaming others doesn’t solve anything and is a waste of emotional energy. Have you ever seen anything solved when people blame others? Of course, it is nice to vent your frustrations and one might feel better, but it doesn’t solve the situation. It doesn’t move it along to find solutions. It might give one a sense of power and control but what good is that if the problem is not fixed. We might be having a feeling of anger at someone or something but we “choose” to feel this way, or we “choose to let it go”. And honestly, I am not perfect and sometimes feel I need to vent, too. I try not to dwell on anger too long. Frankly, I think people would have less problems with high blood pressure and stroke, if they would just learn to let go and let God deal with it.

In my life, when things get so overwhelming, I just have to give it to God. This means REALLY letting him handle it or letting him speak to you in his small voice. I find this can come in a strong feeling or a miraculous solution in my mind that has great impact. It can even come through another person God sends to help me solve the problem. I have faith in his promise that “All things work for good to those that love God and are called according to his purpose”. This is my favorite verse and God has never let me down.

Still hanging around

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 01:58:00 +0000

I know I haven't blogged in awhile, but I am still alive and somewhat well. It's been a very stressful few months. I really haven't felt up to sharing yet. I hope to get myself together soon and share more with you at a later time. "Life is a challenge". Im reading a really good book called "The Road Less Traveled." It has alot of good insight.

Grieving: The Lowest Point

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 00:38:00 +0000

My Husband and My Father buried side by side. Both Marine Vets.

No matter how one tries to steer their course of destiny in life to avoid the hardships and the consequences, there comes a time when things just seem to fall apart… and this is my time…I have hit my wall….my lowest point…. In my grief journey….

After my husband passed away a little more than a year ago, I felt I was coping very well. I continued to engage in life and keep myself busy with work, with my family and friends. I found a purpose in including my friends in my interests and enlightened their lives as well as mine. Getting adjusted to a new boss and new management style was a challenge, but one that I dealt with one step at time. I missed my husband dearly but felt at peace that he would want me to carry on and be happy in my busy pursuits. I had made it past all the first year anniversaries, birthdays and special holidays without him by my side, with my mind and heart intact. I felt triumphant as a survivor. The word “surviving spouse” had a real special meaning and I was proud to say “that is what I am!”

So as the time came near the 1st anniversary of his death, I felt it time to do my final duty as his surviving spouse and bury his ashes, which was done in July, days before the anniversary of his death. Little did I know that all the strength and confidence acquired through the year of grieving would disappear and make it feel like I was at ground zero. Even taking the month off during this difficult month, just made me feel behind in my work, and playing catch up, which mangled my confidence even more. It became harder to focus and concentrate.

So then over the next three months, a series of grief and losses bombarded my life…changes at work, adding responsibilities, the layoff of my only assistant and other clerical staff because of budget loses, the decision by administration to take on more work without hiring enough staff to support changes, and then…….my dad died. My mentor and “compass”, whom I always went to for direction and guidance was no longer there….I was still reeling from the stress and losses when the straw that is breaking the camel’s back revealed itself…..just hanging by the slimmest of thread…the real possibility of my job position reduced to nearly nothing. Twenty years of working for the same place seemed like a new world now. Time to get rid of dinosaurs. I am feeling adrift and lost at sea.

So this is what the low point feels like?

My Father's loss

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 12:52:00 +0000

My dad and I on father's day 2011

My blog has been rather silent since we buried my late husband. The days have been lazily passing us by as Fall enfolded in leaves turning colors, cooler weather approaching and days becoming darker. Little did I know we would be coming back to the same beautiful spot at Rose Hills to bury my beloved father, Raul. My 84 year old father passed away on Sept 25 from a massive stroke. We had a very lovely and memorable memorial service on Saturday. It was just as I wanted it to be….shared with family and friends sweet memories of the wonderful man he was.

As my dad had aged over the years and had grown increasingly uncomfortable with his physical health, I knew that time was short. And yet, I always thought we would have one more month everytime I saw him. He was so sharp and intelligent, even to his last day, as evidenced by his completion of a newspaper crossword puzzle.

I feel the loss of my mentor, my wise counselor, almost more than that of my husband. Perhaps it is because with Walter gone, I still had my father to be my “compass”, giving me direction and guidance. And now, I’ve lost both and feel somewhat adrift. The other day, I needed an explanation of “next of kin” in regards to how it is defined. I needed my father to explain to me the legal interpretation of this. We would always have wonderful talks. His intelligence and wisdom was always there for me.

So now, I feel alone and searching for a source of guidance. It causes one to strengthen faith in the Lord. Matthew 28:20 says “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” What comfort this is to me. I have to listen to that inner small voice of His Holy Spirit that dwells in me for guidance and strength.

I can feel all of those grieving thoughts come back to me, just when I thought I was ready to move on. Well perhaps this is a little different. The loss of a parent is different from a loss of a spouse. One you grieve the loss of security and stability and the other in addition to the others, you grieve the loss of romantic love and partnership. And yet….there is still hope on the horizon. There are others in the shape of people there to catch you from falling. Love and comfort is still out there waiting in the wings for when you are ready to accept it.

Remembering 9/11

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 13:50:00 +0000

As we draw closer to the 10th year anniversary of 9/11, I peruse the LA Times and the question is asked all over the newsprint pages….”Where were you on 9/11, 10 years ago?” As I reflect on this I cannot help but feel the emotion that horrifying moment brought me upon hearing the event unfold…

I had just climbed into my car to drive my 14 year old son to school. The news station had been set on my car radio to alert me of traffic on the way. As we settled in the car, there was an announcement that the World Trade Center was on fire, and then a report that an airliner had crashed into it. Moments later the second tower was hit. My son and I sat horrified frozen in our seats, the car idling in the driveway, thinking, “OMG! What is happening?” Then came an announcement that the Pentagon was on fire. We sat there in stunned silence in fear and shock.

I started praying at that point hoping that people were being evacuated quickly. I finally was able to drive to my son’s school listening for updates and then the unimaginable happened….one of the towers collapsed. I prayed that people had got out safely knowing there were thousands of people in that huge building just arriving to work. I learned later that many had not evacuated safely and the brave firemen and emergency personnel, who were so dedicated to their mission of serving people had become victims too.

I cried for the loss and wondered how did this happen? Who was responsible for this? We must have been attacked. This was the first time in my life that such a large attack on US soil was successful. Was the US ever going to be the same? Our safe little sanctuary called the United States of America was no longer safe.

The world has changed since, and we mark the day with other significant events of War along with D-day and Pearl Harbor attack. We now fear for everything…our environment, our security, our neighbors, our identity, and yet something good has come because of it. Americans sought and turned to God.

It resulted in a united spirit of the people in hoping and believing that only God could save us through this disaster. The renewal of the Nation’s faith in God and love for each other continues to keep us grounded and together in remembering that our forefathers built this nation on faith in God. Only He has the power and gives us the inner strength to persevere in times of tragedy. We are not alone. Wherever there is tragedy, people come together in a common spirit of love, that our American freedoms allow us to express.

I think God was trying to get our attention. Many renewed their faith and turned to Him for comfort. Even now, when difficulties come, we know we can always rely on God to be there for us and put people in our paths to comfort and guide us. He has a plan for us and wants us to trust Him. Let us hope that these terrible memories continue to keep us focused on God and what is really important…to share love to others, just as he loved us and gave His life for us.

Part II: Saying Goodbye and Moving On

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 02:35:00 +0000

It’s not easy to say goodbye to someone you’ve spent 33+ years loving and experiencing life together. However, this is what happened on July 19th at Rose Hills Memorial Park. It was a warm sunny day. My family and small extended family met to say our goodbyes as we buried Walter’s urn in his final resting place over looking the San Gabriel Valley. The view all around was beautiful. My pastor gave a very comforting service. My three sons and family surrounded me as I tenderly placed the urn in the vault for the final time. It was a very stirring moment. One I will cherish forever.

Loving sons comfort their mother

So officially, this signals the end of mourning right? The past year have been filled with wonderful friendships and yet, there IS something that I feel missing. I miss a man in my life,… a confidant, a someone to feel part of, a best friend with a unique perspective to run things by. I will never lose the love for my husband but perhaps, it is time to move on and to try to find some happiness again. Amazingly, I’ve discovered that it is easier to meet people via the internet, but it is not without dangers and risks. What relationship isn’t? No matter where you meet someone, there is a matter of trust that must be established. I am finding this harder than I thought. Yet, there is also some excitement of getting to know someone who is interested in you.

I am tredding through unknown territory, and it is at times frightening. I pray the Lord will find someone for me that is as good as Walter was. I would feel so blessed to have a person like that. People keep telling me I am still young and beautiful and that I will find someone. Yet, there is always that insecurity hiding within wondering am I really too old. I’m not that spring chick I used to be. Perhaps they will see and appreciate the beauty and experience within and rather than the aging beauty without.

I have also found comfort in knitting again, although my down time is getting rarer as I split my free time between exercising, enjoying music at a local concert, reading, and sitting knitting some slippers for charity. My goal is to knit up all the yarn that I still have, including my handspun yarn. I need some ideas for this that won’t be shrunk in the first wash by an unknowing knitter who does know about wool and hot water. Life is becoming interesting again and perhaps I’ll do some more traveling with friends. It seems I’ve become the “go girl”. I love driving my little Prius around town with my friends to places. The world is open wide for new experiences.

Diana and Granddaughter

I’m on Summer Break! Part I

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 05:07:00 +0000

When I asked for summer break I had a reason……..

I knew that it would be tough getting through major emotional events during this month and needed to help myself and my family cope. Being with each other is the best way we support each other for there is comfort in the presence of loving family. For sure, we love each other and feel nourished when we meet.

The first hurdle……Walter’s birthday on July 4. Little did I realize how much this would mean to me. I invited my sons and sister in law over like normal to have a BBQ. We had two guests come that turned out to have good attitudes and be enjoyable to be around. If anything, they kept our spirits up. One was a 10 yr old 6th grader. Instead of playing board games, the boys got out the Wii and played bowling and Mario to entertain our guest. The rest of us played with the grandkids, lounged around in the patio swing and read quietly until my 4 yr old granddaughter couldn’t take the waiting any longer and we lit up the fireworks in front of our house. Certainly, we missed Walter and we didn’t sing Happy Birthday to You this year. We will now have to remember that it is Independence Day, but in our hearts it will always be Dad’s birthday.

After such a nostalgic holiday, my two youngest adult sons and I planned to get away a few days in Las Vegas. We wanted to see some shows. This was a very special treat. One of my son’s has been playing in an orchestra for some community theatre shows on his summer break, so he was looking forward to being entertained rather than entertaining. We saw the Blue Man Show, which was very funny and interactive. At one point, the audience pushed yards and yards of toilet paper sized streamers from the back of the threatre to the front of the stage. It looked like a sea of white water covering the audience….what fun!!! Blue Men are three mime drummers that are very good. They use neon colored special effects and make up funny skits that involve the audience in them. I highly recommend their show.

The second show was “The Phantom”. I saw the Broadway production of “The Phantom of the Opera” in Los Angeles a few years back. For the Las Vegas show, they reduced it from a 3 ½ hr to a two-hour one-act program. The costumes and sets were great. The singing and music was wonderful too. However, I didn’t feel the emotional involvement with this production as with the original. I think that the cut in some scenes, sacrificed some of the emotion and compassion development that is involved in the show. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but have tears for the song, “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again”. I just thought of Walter.

Diana and the Blue M & M

Scott & Diana in the Venetian Hotel

Diana near the Lion's Den at MGM

Robby & Scott say "Cheese"

New York, New York-Las Vegas Style

Las Vegas Palazzo at night

The rest of the time we spent swimming in the lovely pool at Hard Rock Hotel, browsing the various Las Vegas Strip Casinos and shopping at MGM, Escalibur, Luxor, Venetian, Treasure Island and New York, New York. The boys couldn’t get away without riding the Roller Coaster. Our last stop was the M &M shop and I found the Blue M & M! There were four floors of M & M stuff!

So now I am preparing to do one of the final acts I have as a widow….laying Walter’s ashes to rest. Its almost a year now. I think it is time to give the family some closure and to give me permission to move on with my life. Although I have mixed feelings about this and to some extent I feel I am still grieving, people tell me this is normal. On the 19th, there will be a private gravesite gathering for family to pay final respects. The view is beautiful overlooking the San Gabriel Valley, where Walter and I grew up. This will be our final resting place.

Discovering Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 04:23:00 +0000

Life can throw you for a loop with tragedy and difficulties that seems overwhelming to recover from. In my grief of losing my dear husband of 33 years, prayers were constantly sent to God hoping that He will help take away the pain and slowly revive hope in my heart. Is it possible to hope again? As I approach the one year anniversary of my late husband’s death, it helps me reflect on how far I have traveled through my grief process. I am still here. I am alive.

I have survived and I live each day with a hope, a smile and wonderment of what God has in store for me in daily blessings. He has grown in me a capacity to love and care for others in many different ways. Does one have to loose so much to appreciate how precious building relationships and nurturing them are in order to find some measure of happiness in this world? I have learned my lessons well. Life is just too short to fail to make meaningful connections in this world.

I am humbled by God’s grace, with a Thankful heart……..

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on LOVE, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3: 12-14.

Tornado Tragedy and Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sat, 28 May 2011 01:08:00 +0000

I woke up early Monday morning and decided to check my Facebook page before going to work. I noticed some of the chatter coming from my nieces’, living in the Mid-west, seemed to be about finding missing friends. Horrified, I learned about the devastating tornado that wiped out ¾ of the town of Joplin, Missouri. I called my sister-in-law, who lives north of Joplin and was reassured that they were OK but a nephew barely survived, as he worked in the Joplin Walmart that was now mainly rubble. He lost his home and cars, but was safe and reunited with his family. The only one unaccounted for was a great-nephew who lived in a 3-story apartment which was flattened. We learned that he was not home at the time the tornado struck, which was an F5 tornado, one of the strongest deadliest tornados.

Great nephew Jay searches for belonging after tornado destroys his apartment.

The only thing found was his late dad's baseball glove, something to treasure.

His story is reported here.

   God is good. We had some stories of hope in this tragedy. One great-niece was to be married this weekend in Joplin. She had her wedding dress in the town Bridal shop. Although the shop was destroyed, there was one lone wedding dress hanging on a hanger. Lo and behold, it was hers. Her story with her fiance as they search for his sister right after the tornado is on video via this link, interviewed by Anderson Cooper of CNN. Be sure to see the video from this link.

    Another great-niece was to be married the week after. She was staying with her parents until the wedding and unfortunately, her parent’s home was destroyed. Nevertheless, she was able to recover all of her wedding stuff. When one goes through an ordeal like this, it makes us ask “Why, God?” “How is one to celebrate happiness when so many are so sad from this type of devastation”. She had thought of cancelling her wedding. However, many reassured her that it would give hope to see a new marriage start in the midst of tragedy. I believe it will strengthen the family bond and God will bless this couple as they go on to commit to one another in love.

     There are so many untold stories that show what the spirit of the heartland is all about. We Americans pull together in times of tragedy. This heartland is well known for its strong faith in God and well anchored Christian values. There is no second thought to acting on God’s commandment to “Love one another”. My niece, who is a Nurse Practicioner, has been volunteering her time working at the a local church performing first aid and helping to meet the needs of those who are now homeless or injured. There are many more volunteers that are unsung heros and have chosen to make a difference in this tragedy. I thank the Lord that he loves us and has put a spirit of love in us. May God always bless us all.

Nurture vs Nature

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sat, 07 May 2011 04:48:00 +0000

We are approaching Mother’s Day again. I had a chance to take my mother out to dinner, just the two of us. I was thinking how rare we’ve had in the past to talk about girly things over the last few years. Why is this? Until now, my whole life has focused so much on the men in my life; my father, my brothers, my husband and my sons. Life didn’t leave much time for female stuff. And now, I find myself back to being a female again. I have time for myself. I have a granddaughter to play dolls with. It is a much different mothering, than I am used to, but perhaps I should be thankful I have this opportunity.

I am feeling better about myself. Did I somewhat loose part of my femininity trying to compete and survive in a man’s world? I am discovering the beauty inside myself and around me. I have a chance to do the things my nature calls for in nurturing in a gentle way. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone other than myself and to please God.

Life is just too short to have each moment planned out. There is much you miss this way. I am now letting life unfold before me as a bud opens into a beautiful rose bloom. My friend C recently gave me the largest Florabunda blooming rose I have seen. It was gorgeous and touched my heart greatly. It was hard not to notice the lovely fragrance as well as the sweet peach color. It made me appreciate the nurturing she gave me and has given me over the last months since I lost my husband. I know we will be great friends and for once this mother is allowing myself to be nurtured as well as nurture others. I have missed this and this is one thing I have needed in a long time. I have not had a sister but she comes very close to one.

Mother’s Day not only makes me think of nurturing by women but also the nurturing that men are capable of that is a hidden character trait they should not fear to demonstrate. To some this makes them seem unmanly. However, to us women it makes us honor them more than ever with love and admiration in their manhood. Isn’t this how God is? I see my son gently interacting and patiently listening to his two children. Right now he is acting as mother and father and is doing a great job caring for them. I see another man friend helping to bring a bed-ridden female friend to church, generously giving of his time helping her to gain her independence. If more men would be like these self-sacrificing men, the world would be a better place.

Wouldn’t it be great to celebrate Nurturing Day at least once a year? Better still, nurturing should be celebrated every day.

The Truth about Inflation

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 02:17:00 +0000

I recently finished a hoodie made from the Leisure Arts booklet “Knit Hoodies for Kids”. It was a rather easy, simple pattern that I am sure to use again. I was trying to find a link where a booklet like this can be purchased to recommend it to others who might be interested. The first place I looked was Amazon.com and was astounded to find that the only one available was a used copy at…….are you ready?.......$282.42!!! I nearly fainted when I realized that the $8.95 book I bought might be a collectors item and out of print. I suspect this must be a mistake but it gave me quite a jolt. I have since found other copies online selling at as low as $7.95.

It made me recall a time I was looking for a fair isle book from Alice Starmore, a very famous reclusive and exclusive knitter from England, many years back. Everywhere I looked, this book was not available and there was no reprint date listed. I had heard this was one of the best books on Fair Isle knitting written. Fortunately, I found a copy in the United Kingdom on ebay, that of course, was inflated in cost but reasonable as opposed to the over $100 prices the US dealers were asking for. I caved and purchased the book, thinking that if ever I needed to unload something for some quick cash, I could always sell this book at the inflated prices as the current supply and demand market seemed to indicate at the time. I was even considering including it in my will and final instructions, so my heirs would not give it up frivolously when I was gone. Several years later, it was announced that Alice Starmore publishers was reprinting the book in “Paperback”! My dreams of having something of value came crushing down as the prices normalized. It did teach me a good lesson to take things at face value and in patience. If I have waited, I would have save myself some money.

I don’t know if the above example is what is happening to the “Hoodie” book or is it a case where some greedy seller trying to make a buck from trying to sell a good pattern book for over $200. Sometimes we are blinded to the truth. In reality, no one has taken the seller up on his offer. It’s nice to know that most people are not foolish and know they can get it cheaper at $7.95 or wait until it is reprinted.

With the economy so unstable, it should not be so surprising that desperate people will try desperate things and this could be one of them. I do hope that Amazon will be prudent and not be the means of fooling people into these overpriced schemes.

Bouncing back -Knitting a Hoodie

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 03:27:00 +0000

I’m recuperating from minor surgery at home. Although minor, I have some limited movement restrictions that have somewhat interfered with my daily activities. I cannot lift anything over 5 lbs., no squatting, avoid exercise, no driving for at least two weeks. This is so hard. One does not realize how much doing these very things is part of your life. Of course, this is a challenge for me as I had planned to do so many things at home during my Spring Break. I feel like a slug.

I’ve picked up my knitting again, as there is not much else I can do. I am making my grandson a hoodie. I found a great little Leisure Arts book called Knit Hoodies for Kids. It’s a top down pattern. I am using Caron One Pound acrylic worsted yarn in a yellow gold color. Yellow is Ben’s favorite color. The pattern is a placket neck pullover, raglan sleeve pattern with striped rows across the hood, bottom edging and sleeves. When done I am thinking of adding a Thomas the train patch or embroider it on. So far it has gone rather quickly with Size 5 and Size 8 knitting needles.

Yesterday, I saw a documentary on Eleanor Roosevelt. She has always been a woman I admired. I was very surprised to see her knitting in many of the film clips shown with her husband. It’s no wonder why many women knitted socks and warm clothing for the soldiers with this example to inspire the women left at home. What inspires me is her commitment to all people in fighting for human rights, her commitment to her husband and marriage despite his betrayal, and her inner strength to do the very best to make a life and purpose for herself and blossom into her own identity after her husband passed. People respected her and listened to her, even in her old age. I wonder how she would be thought of in today’s world?

Death & Taxes

noreply@blogger.com (Diana) — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 23:37:00 +0000

There is a saying that….”The only thing you cannot avoid is death and taxes”. How true is this! That is why it’s a double wammy when you have to face both at the same time.

As a surviving spouse, I had to file my last “joint” income taxes return for my late husband and I. As I signed for my deceased husband on the dotted line, I was suddenly struck by the finality of this little act. We have filed a joint income tax return over the 33 years of marriage and this final act of marriage has such an impact, it made me face the reality of an ending of the BIG marriage responsibility. Yes, even in death, someone has to pay your taxes. I wonder whether divorced people feel the same when they sign on the dotted line of their divorce papers?

Until that moment of signing off that tax return, I had not realized I was truly unmarried. Next year I will be filing income taxes as a “Single”. I almost feel as if I have cut off a limb or something vitally important. I’m not sure I like this feeling of separation. Perhaps it might have been easier had one divorced and made a willful choice to separate from their partner, but this was not my choice. I expected him to be here helping me work out our taxes on Turbotax. I gathered up all the paperwork, W-2s, 1099’s and worksheets, as I had done in the past, and brought it to H&R Block.

The decision to hire someone was one of convenience rather than frugality. This is the one mistake I realize after the fact. Since I had everything in order ahead of time, all the tax person had to do was plug in the numbers and press a button for the software to compute the tax. I realize I could have done the same had I not been insecure with this uncertain stage in my life in widowhood. Coping is hard enough and I didn’t want to chance getting any taxes wrong. Going through an audit for the first time, without the support of my wise, intelligent helpmate, was not something I wanted to chance and therefore sought the expert’s advice and counsel. I suspect I will never look at a tax return in the same way again without feeling this loss.

In the end, I realize the Lord was with me every step in our finances, so I would not have a deep financial burden. There is no way I could have planned our spending in such a way as to come out even in our taxes. This is just more evidence how God provided for us in our time of need and even after death.