Diaries of a Neurotic Non-Trad

Why We Are In Business

2012-01-06T13:24:00.001-05:00

I think our ambulance siren should be replaced with the Vonage Theme Song.

It Is MY New Year's Resolution!

2012-01-03T08:23:00.000-05:00

My Daughter: "My New Year's resolution is to eat slower because I always shove the food in my mouth too fast."

Me: "That is good. My New Year's resolution is to make healthier choices."

Daughter: "Is that why you didn't have an appetizer or a bread stick?"

Me: "Yup."

Husband: "You can't have a vague New Year's resolution. You need to be more specific."

Me: "I'll have whatever the fuck resolution I want. What is yours?"

Husband: "I don't have one."

Me: "Then shut up."

A Repost of My 2010 Christmas Gift to You

2011-12-22T10:05:00.000-05:00

I posted this last year for Christmas and got some really awesome responses from it...mostly from my friends that I know in person but also some really good blog comments. So...I am RE-gifting it this year because I am a cheap bitch!!

If any of you DID try it and it came out different than you hoped, please let me know! Hell, let me know if it came out good too!! It is hard for me to put measurements on recipes for people because I don't measure anything when I cook...I eyeball it which is why I can't bake for shit...unless it is a lasagna! I mean, I COULD tell you, "Add just enough pepper so that your husband will still like it and your son will be completely annoyed and you feel like you MIGHT sneeze but you don't actually." But I am not sure how the sauce would taste because that amount of pepper may be different for you than it is for me. Especially if you have a daughter instead of a son, no kids, or you are not married.

At any rate, enjoy and please let me know how it comes out!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Not to brag much or anything but I do make the best sauce in the world. Just sayin'. So, for Christmas, I am sharing my recipe with you. I hope you enjoy it!

You will need:

1 lb. ground beef (I use 90% lean. 95% makes the meatballs too tough).
1 lb. mild Italian pork sausage
1 lb. pork
Extra virgin olive oil
3 cloves fresh garlic
2 eggs
about a cup of seasoned bread crumbs
one small yellow onion
Tablespoon of Italian seasoning
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
crushed red pepper
2 bay leaves
about 1/4 cup of grated Romano cheese
about 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda
5 large cans of tomato sauce (not jars of premade sauce like Prego...just plain sauce).
1 can of tomato paste

Mix Meatballs:

Mix together the ground beef, eggs, bread crumbs, cheese and some red and black pepper in a large bowl.
Form into balls about the size of your palm

Brown All Meat:

Put some olive oil in a large frying pan and add the cut fresh garlic and diced onion. Allow it to brown a little but don't burn the garlic or it will get bitter.
Add meatballs. Gently turn them with a spoon when brown to brown all sides. Set aside on a plate and brown the sausage and cut up pork (remove as much fat from pork as possible).

Deglaze the frying pan:

Most important for yummy sauce!!!
Add a few tablespoons of water to the frying pan when you are done browning the meat. Cook on high until some of the water evaporates and all the yummy stuff is not stuck to the bottom of the pan anymore.

Sauce:

Put the sauce, paste, Italian seasonings, some black pepper, and the bay leaves in a large sauce pan. Add the meat to the sauce once it is brown and the meatballs have cooled a bit. Add the contents of the frying pan (after deglazing the pan). Cook on low with the lid on sideways or vented if you have a vent on your lid. Cook for at least 2 hours on low, stirring often. (It is done when you can cut the sausage with the side of a fork). About an hour into cooking the sauce, add the baking powder and stir lightly. The sauce will bubble and turn brownish on top. It is supposed to do that! This gets some of the acid out of the sauce without having to use sugar which makes the sauce too sweet in my opinion!

Do not salt the sauce while cooking!!! The cheese in the meatballs, the sausage, pork and baking soda will all add salt to the sauce.

Note: Sauce always tastes better reheated so if you have time, cook it a day before you will be eating it then reheat it on low.

Enjoy!!!

Love Letter

2011-12-20T12:59:00.002-05:00

NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED SO AS NOT TO GET A TON OF GRIEF FROM THE SCHOOL BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT WHEN I GET GRIEF, I GIVE IT BACK!!

Dear Mrs. Vice Principal who is NOT my son's Vice Principal,

I just want to follow up to the conversation we had on the phone today. My husband, Chandler, and I talked and we all agree that this was a minor issue that did not necessitate a phone call. I understand that your reason for calling was to keep us informed of the fact that a conversation took place and I can respect that many parents may appreciate such phone calls whenever there is a situation. My husband and I both feel that this was a minor incident that was dealt with and the result was Chandler saying that he would indeed use tongs for his rolls in the future, which really was the end goal. We do not feel that minor incidents such as these that end with my son agreeing to cooperate in the future require a phone call. We have complete trust that if something serious were to happen, we would be notified by Mr. Vice Principal who IS my son's Vice Principal (or his fill-in if he is absent from work) and/or Chandler. Chandler is very open with us and understands that he does not need to keep things from us. He has always been forthcoming when he is spoken to in school and if we feel he needs disciplinary action, we thank him for his honesty and discipline accordingly.

We have had several conversations with Mr. Vice Principal who IS my son's Vice Principal this year and we are very pleased with the relationship he has with us as well as with Chandler. For this reason and because Mr. Vice Principal who IS my son's Vice Principal is the Vice Principal responsible for Chandler, we are requesting that should you have any DISCIPLINARY concerns with Chandler in the future, you refer them to Mr. Vice Principal who IS my son's Vice Principal so that he can address us if he feels it is necessary. However, if you have any true emergencies, where he is sick or injured, a call to my cell phone would certainly be warrented.

Thanks so much and I hope you have a nice day.

She never replied. Hmmm...maybe she is waiting to send the reply with my Christmas Gift!

Why I Don't Sleep In Anymore

2011-12-16T11:31:00.002-05:00

I woke up at 7 this morning and started to get up but I was too tired and decided I deserved to sleep longer. At 7:30, I went through the same routine and when 8:30 rolled around, I said to myself, "Your kids are at school, you are on an extended break from school and you are comfortable in this bed so why the hell get up? Enjoy!!!" At 9:30, I bolted out of bed and had an overwhelming urge to get downstairs. The front door was wide open and the house was about 55 degrees as a result and there was dog puke all over the carpet. Serves me right.

Is This Too Much To Ask?

2011-12-14T02:22:00.002-05:00

Dear Santa,

This year for Christmas, I would like...

A smaller ass; size 6, please
and smokin' hot protruding knees.
Ones with the bone that sicks out a bit
Rather than resembling two arm pits.

I want my hair to stop its games
Of frizzing the fuck out when it rains.
I get teased when I wear my hat
In a desperate effort to keep my hair flat.

I want stupid people every where
To get the hell out of my hair.
I am tired of bull shit left and right
Santa, please get them out of my sight.

I want the politically correctors to stop preachin'
While I exercise my US right to free speechin'.
If they can't handle all the words I say
Santa, remind them to just walk away.

I want to finish my damn tattoos
Without giving a shit about people's views.
The ink is forever. I know! I'm aware!
At least I have fun with the skin that I bare!

I want a certain girl to know all too well
That the shit she is full of is starting to smell
And if she thinks she is pulling one over on me
I want her to realize I am smarter than she.

I want the CVS people to get my meds right
So I don't have to be in pain day and night.
It is a constant reminder to me that I'm sick
When my meds are messed up by the pharmacy prick.

I want my dogs to stop barking at every damn sound
Before I dump them off at the pound.
I want the boy dog to stop lapping his crotch
As if it was a bottle of extremely good scotch.

I want my kids to pick up after themselves
And know the house doesn't get cleaned by your elves.
And Santa, if it is not too much to mention
I'd like my son's teachers to stop threatening detention.

I know tis the season to be jolly
And for the most part, I am, by golly
But is seems there are things all over the place
That make me want to punch people in the face.

So Santa, if you can bring me this stuff
I will be one happy person soon enough.
If this is too much for you to acquire
Then maybe it's time for you to retire.

Sincerely,
Nicki

It's Nothing, Really

2011-12-08T14:33:00.000-05:00

My body is exhausted. Every muscle hurts. My heart is heavy as are the hearts of my colleagues and my community. I have been given so much support and I am overwhelmed by the wonderful words that so many people have so graciously said to me. I know it isn't just lip service; they truly care. The truth is that I don't feel like I deserve all the praise. I didn't do anything. I just saw some terrible things and did what I could; we did what we all could which didn't seem like much to any of us. After a very difficult day, I am re-posting this video. You may not enjoy it but I am posting it for me and for my brave colleagues who did all they could and who all feel like we didn't do much.

Getting Sick of Politically Correctness Crap!

2011-12-05T11:21:00.000-05:00

I was over at Brahm's blog and read his post about a billboard that is receiving some crap. I have to admit that some people do go too far with certain things and to be honest, I am not sure how I feel about a billboard showing sexual content, especially the one he posted with a girl's hand down a guy's pants.

BUT...

His post reminded me of a billboard that was displayed in NYC. The business owner received quite the verbal beat-down for it. Personally, I thought it was hilarious and I think that some people really need to lighten up and remember our right to free speech, especially when it really is harmless. So, out of the kindness of my heart and my irritation at the fact that he was made to take the billboard down, I give you this. Enjoy. Or don't.

The Day I Decided I Needed (YET) Another Dog

2011-12-01T12:43:00.001-05:00

This week's writing prompt is to write about how our family pet came to be inspired by the Busy Dad Blog.

I have been an animal lover my whole life. My mother never let me have a hamster because "they attract rats." Really, Mom? Like one hamster in a cage is going to lead to an entire rat orgy in our house? I never knew! Good thing Mom was there to teach me this shit...this and other stuff like "a wet towel on the floor will attract cockroaches." Her imagination was awesome!

When I got married and realized that Mom can't control me anymore, I pictured an entire house full of animals including hamsters and yes, maybe even rats...on purpose!! I never did get the rats but I would have. The problem is that my husband is allergic to animal fur and dander and I have spent the last 20 years of my marriage devising the perfect plans for me to get what I want. I am damned good at it now!

We realized that hubbie isn't allergic to Poodles so we got a miniature one. That is Clifford, the mental case.

Then we got another one...Chloe the primadonna. She is more the size of a toy poodle.

My husband was determined we were done with dogs. I wasn't. I told him that I wanted a standard poodle and he was all "No way, I like lap dogs." I had been "price checking" female standard poodles and they ran between $800 - $1200. I knew that was just way more than we could spend on a dog. I checked shelters, Lollypop Farm, etc...but nobody was giving up their pure-bred dogs. I had to go with a pure-bred because of the allergies or else I would have adopted anything!

One day, while he was at work, I saw an ad in the paper for standard poodles for $200!! I called the lady and she had females for the same price! So, I did what any neurotic wife would do. I put a kennel in the truck, grabbed my hubbies checkbook and was off!

I drove for 45 minutes to a farm with a shack for a house that had no electricity, an Amish-looking woman, and about a million poodles...all living outside and filthy. I wanted to take them all! I felt so bad for them. They were all flea-ridden, all had burrs stuck all over them, and all had bad ear infections. I picked one dog out and fell in love immediately. I put her in my truck then noticed that she had a bad infection in her leg. I told the woman about the infection and she acted like she was shocked. Righttttt, lady....you are soooo attentive to your dogs! How this went unnoticed was a true mystery! I picked another dog, paid the 200 bucks and put her in the car.

The car ride home was interesting to say the least. SHE FUCKING REEKED!!! My husband called me while I was driving and being the sensible driver I was a the time, I answered the phone. He asked me what I was doing and I said in my sweet I-totally-am-not-doing-anything-wrong voice, "Nothiiiiing." He said, "WHAT DID YOU DO?!" then he heard the dog crying.

"Did you get another dog???"

"Um, a little bit."

"What did you get?"

"A standard poodle."

"How the hell did you pay for it??"

"Ummmm, your checkbook."

"WHAT THE HELL??!! How much did it cost?"

"$200"

"That's it? Why?"

"Let's just say that you get what you pay for!"

By the time we got home, she had pissed, shit, AND puked in the kennel and I nearly puked getting her out of the car. I hosed her down, bathed her about 5 times and the stench wasn't any better because it was all coming from her ear infection that literally took 4 years to get rid of!

My hubbie was mad at the time but as soon as he saw her, he fell in love! About 2 months ago, she almost died and I had to take her to the emergency vet. It cost $1200 and when I apologized to hubs for the cost, he said, "I would sell the house for that dog!"

She truly is an amazing dog and we can't imagine life without Izzy! How could we NOT fall instantly in love with this??

I've Been Awarded! Yay!!

2011-11-30T00:46:00.002-05:00

Thank you so much, Caz of My Life as a Mature Age Student for nominating me for the Liebster Blog Award!!!

The award is given to people who have fewer than 200 followers containing good content and warranting moral support. Yay! I fit the bill! According to Reflection of a Buddhist Monk, it is in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is German and means "dearest" or "beloved" but can also mean "favorite" and the idea of the award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

The Rules are:

Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.
Reveal your top five picks for the award and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
Post the award on your blog.
Bask in the love from the most supportive people on the blogsphere – other bloggers.
And, best of all – have fun and spread the karma.

#1) See above.

#2) Tena's Therapy was the first blog I ever read and I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself. I have been a devoted follower ever since! She is wonderfully gifted at telling it like it is, parenting, and making me laugh and cry!

Of course, I have to shout out my friend Caz at My Life as a Mature Age Student! And not only cuz she nominated me but because I love following her as she shares her non-traditional college student trials with me! She is an Aussie but I promise, I don't hold it against her, Mate! Love ya, Caz!!!

Angelia at Amelioration is not only hilarious but very generous too! Visit her often for her sense of humor and to win free shit! I already won a CD and a beautiful scarf which I will be wearing soon because the snow is a'comin!!

Penny Lane of Driven is another straight-shooter and when she is really pissed off.....look out, world! She makes me feel so normal and understood!!

Lastly (but not leastly =), I love BetsyAnn at The Non-Traditional Student Blog because she is always there to give us non-trads some really good advice! I also love that she asks us for our feedback and values it enough to incorporate it in her posts! She always has a kind word as well!!

There are many others that I absolutely love but either they have more than 200 followers OR, I can't readily access the "follow thingy" (technical term) on their blog to see how many followers they actually have (Sorry, Ann, did I miss it?) Did you see that? Did you see how I totally just loop-holed the rules? I am crazy like that...livin' by the seat of my pants!!

#3) Done...see above.

#'s 4&5) I am basking in the love, having fun and spreading the Karma!

Enjoy and thank you to everyone who follows me and everyone who I follow for making me feel like a friend even though we never met....well...except for Casey...we met. But she is uber popular with more than 200 followers! See how I did that again? Muah-ha-ha-ha-haaa!

And The THSR Is Off....

2011-11-28T14:39:00.001-05:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I participated in the Traveling Heart-Shaped Rock Project hosted by Ann at Ann Again and Again. I think I kinda broke the rules and kept the rock too long but it was only because I wanted to have it for Thanksgiving. I know, I am evil. The worst part is that I forgot to take pics of the rock on Thanksgiving!!! But I do have some adorable pics of its visit with me!! Enjoy!

THSR as it arrived at my door

THSR visits Dad in the nursing home and keeps him company while he sleeps. =) I think it is so funny that his shirt says, "That's what she said."

Out to lunch at a wonderfully yummy restaurant.

THSR is medicine for my daughter while she waits for the doctor

THSR rubbing "good vibes" onto the ambulance gurney for my next patient!

THSR FOUND A FRIEND!!! There was a baby snail in the garden and I thought it was sooo cute!

The rock had a wonderful visit at our house! Well, aside from the time when I nearly soiled myself because I thought I lost it while I was on an ambulance call!!!!!! It is now off to visit Renee from Until Something Shiny Comes Along. Check out her blog! Enjoy the THSR, Renee!!!

The Traveling Heart Shaped Rock Project

2011-11-15T08:17:00.000-05:00

It finally came! The Traveling Heart Shaped Rock! Ann from Ann Again and Again started this project and it has been to about 22 different bloggers. If you want to participate in this project, please visit Ann's blog and sign up!

The rock arrived from Tracie from From Tracie. Haha! I just re-read that and there are 3 "from's" and 2 "Tracie's" in that sentence. Tracie sent me the rock in a beautiful little rock cozy along with a nice card and a pack of peanut M&M's. I never realized how much this little rock would make my day! Thanks, Tracie! So, here is a pic of my little friend and her new clothes made by Tracie. I will be posting pics soon before I send her off to visit another friend! Have a nice day!!

Helpless

2011-11-02T14:48:00.000-04:00

This week's prompt is "8 Lines."

I am thinking of you
Hoping and praying the chemo works
I want to visit but so afraid of exposing the family to germs
I am cooking for your family
Offering to run errands and go grocery shopping
Offering to go to dinner or to just lend an ear
But at the end of the day
I feel so helpless

22 Things I Have Done

2011-10-27T16:24:00.007-04:00

So, I was visiting my friend Joann at Laundry Hurts My Feelings and was reading this post in which she made me read this post over at Mama Kat's Losin' It. Then I clicked on her "Writer's Prompts" button which lead me to something else and somehow, I got lost and ended up all over the place then back here again. Anyway, I found a prompt inspired by Sellabit Mum that I thought would be interesting. As the title suggests, I am to write about 22 things that I have done. Only 22???

I normally don't participate in these meme type things and it isn't because I don't want to. I often want to but they come attached with these rules of linking this to that and I can never figure that part out! I have decided that I will master this networking thing if it kills me! This will be a challenge but I am ready for it...after I pee and get more coffee. Brb.

Okay, I am unloaded and reloaded and ready to roll.

1) I have sharted.

I mean really, who hasn't? The phone woke me up one morning before I had my morning poo. By the time I was knee deep in a conversation, I was really uncomfortable and I thought I would quietly squeeze one out without the person on the other end hearing. Well, I squeezed one out all right and I would have gotten away with it too if my hubbie didn't come upstairs while I was still on the phone and yell, "Did someone take a shit up here?!" Really, men have NO couth!

2) I have eaten a corner of a Pop Tart with dust bunnies on it. In all fairness, I brushed the dust bunnies off of it before I ate it. I am not TOTALLY DISGUSTING! I was dieting for my body building competition and I was fucking hungry, okay?? My son found the corner of a Pop Tart under the table covered in dust and said, "Mommy, yucky." I said, "Yes, that IS yucky. I better throw that away" and when he wasn't looking, I brushed it off and ate it. And you know what? It was the BEST damn Pop Tart I ever had!

3) I have personally retrieved THREE thongs from my dog's ass. What can I say? Her palate is about as sophisticated as mine. At least I eat things that I can shit out without assistance! And by "without assistance" I mean "while I am standing in my bedroom on the phone."

4) I have ran downstairs in the middle of the night armed with a curling iron and a can of Aqua Net to attack an intruder. Well, he didn't intrude. Some asshole broke my sliding glass door when I was 12 and home alone and it scared the shit outta me. Well, no it didn't. I didn't shit that time, believe it or not. It happened when I was getting ready for bed and I couldn't find a weapon so I grabbed something to...make him sticky and probe his ass with? I DO believe the Aqua Net could have killed him though.

5) I have proven that I do in fact have the balls to become a firefighter but realized that it takes more than balls to do the job. If I were only a few inches taller and a little bit stronger...

6) I have held a dying person's hand more than once. I am just sad that I wasn't holding my own mom's hand when she died.

7) Speaking of when my mom died, I have actually looked in the passenger seat of my truck expecting to see Jesus Christ Himself sitting there and was shocked that He wasn't. I had just finished praying for my mother and a song came on the radio immediately after my prayer that seemed to answer my prayer perfectly. I was sure Jesus was in the car with me.

8) I have spewed crap outta my mouth with such anger, volume, and force that I even scared myself...and suffered from laryngitis for a week following as a result.

9) I have gone on shopping sprees that would make Ivana Trump's head spin but with much less coin to pay for it all.

10) I have threatened my husband with buying a Guinea Pig if he wouldn't let me have the puppy I wanted. He bought me the puppy. Then another puppy. Then I bought a Guinea Pig.

11) I have stolen my husband's checkbook while he was at work to buy a third puppy after he said we couldn't have any more dogs. The third dog is his favorite now. Sucker!

12) I have been bullied.

13) I have been a bully (and some would say I still am. I say I am assertive and direct and they can deal with it).

14) I have painted a family portrait.

No, it isn't perfect but for an introductory painting class, I think it is pretty damn good!

15) I have seen the most gruesome injuries as an EMT

16) I have put down my stethoscope and blood pressure cuff in the back of an ambulance to pray with a patient because they asked me to pray with them...more than once.

17) I have spent a month in the hospital and endured seven operations after I fell out of a tree and nearly died.

18) I have sat through eleven tattoo sessions and I am not done yet!

19) I have quit smoking approximately 20 times.

20) I have peed the bed more times than I care to admit...and oddly enough, this embarrasses me more than the time I sharted! It is not my fault!!! Those damn dreams of having to go sooo badly then FINALLY finding a toilet...only to realize it wasn't JUST a dream and the toilet wasn't quite a toilet.

21) I have learned that that little white box on the top shelf of mom's closet was NOT where she hid my Christmas gifts and those batteries in her drawer were NOT for the flashlight.

22) I have laughed so hard that I literally gasped for breath and feared I would pass out and loved every second of it!

AND.... 23 for the price of 22...Have shaved my head bald to support my sister when she was going through chemo treatments.

I "Pehed" For The Answer

2011-10-24T11:54:00.005-04:00

I had a bit of a breakdown 2 weeks ago. Life has been a bit rough.

Being in grad school is exciting. I am reading such awesome material! My studies are ALL ABOUT mental health counseling for once and I LOVE it! The work isn't difficult but it is so demanding. I read every day from 7am until I go to bed. I have NO time for ANYTHING AT ALL BUT SCHOOL. I was okay with that...until 2 weeks ago. Or was I?

It turns out that I really wasn't okay with that but I had to tell myself I was in order to keep on pluggin' away. I kept telling myself that this time will go by quickly and everyone will be around when I am done. Soon, I will have time for friends and family. I was on auto-pilot, burning the candle at both ends, and whatever other cliche that applied.

My father-in-law is in a nursing home and I never have time to see him. My mother-in-law is alone at home and I never have time for her. My friend's husband is on hospice and I know that means that the end is near. My daughter leaves for college in the fall; I only have 10 months left with my baby living at home. Another friend of mine's husband is in the hospital and I haven't been available for them either. I haven't cooked, cleaned or shopped since school started. I was forgetting everything if a note wasn't taped to my forehead. I considered tattooing a "to-do list" on my arm but I don't have enough arm to include all I have to do. In fact, I was forgetting so much that I started to panic that I was in the early stages of Alzheimer's.

My Lupus started to flair up but I tried to ignore the pain and fatigue and all the hair that was falling on the floor because I didn't have time to worry about it or let it slow me down.

One night, my chest started hurting and it was a different hurt than I normally experience with my esophageal spasms. I wondered if this was a sign but still, I ignored it.

Then my daughter came home from school and told me she had another "episode." I thought I blogged about this in the past but apparently, I have not so I will give you a quick summary. My daughter has issues with anxiety. Now, I know what you are thinking. You are shocked to hear this because her mom is like a fucking rock when it comes to keeping her shit together.

At any rate, her anxiety struggles became apparent when she first pulled her hair out at the age of 8 and continued for about 5 years. A short time after that stopped, she started having what we thought were seizures. She wouldn't pass out but she would "fade out" and lose total awareness of her surroundings for a few moments then spend a few more minutes in a state of "what-the-fuckness." After a week in the hospital with electrodes stuck to her head, it was determined that she was not having seizures. She was experiencing dissociation episodes brought on by anxiety. We encouraged her to talk to a psychologist but she wanted nothing to do with it and was determined to correct the problem on her own. She did. Sorta. A few months later, she started to get heart palpitations and her heart would skip a beat and it caused her pain in the chest. After a trip to the doctor and a day of wearing a Halter Monitor, she was diagnosed with PVC's (Premature Ventricular Contractions) induced by...yup, you guessed it, anxiety. Again, I tried to encourage her to talk to someone. I explained that I was proud of her for correcting her symptoms but the anxiety is still there. It just keeps showing its ugly face in different ways. Her answer was, "Mom! Can't the doctor just put me on medication? I DON'T HAVE TIME TO SEE A THERAPIST! THAT WILL JUST STRESS ME OUT MORE! Again, I couldn't convince her so I convinced her doc to put her on meds. She has been relatively symptom-free since...until 2 weeks ago when she said she had another episode and then followed it up with, "I just realized I am not better. I think I should see a counselor."

I. Fell. Apart.

My poor baby girl. She struggles with anxiety on a daily basis and what have I done to help her? Not only have I not been able to help her with her daily shit, I have added "pick up your brother from football, do the grocery shopping, and if you ever want to eat dinner, cook it yourself" to her to-do list because I HAVE ZERO IN THE TIME DEPARTMENT! I cried. Hard. For a day and a half.

These were my thoughts:

I am burning the candle at both ends and I am making myself sicker.
My family and friends need me and I am not available for them.
My daughter will be off to college then adult-life and my friend's husband that is on home hospice will be dead by the time I graduate.
My father-in-law may be worse by the time I have any time to spend with him.
I need to take a break from school.
Starting NOW, I am on a leave of absence.
But wait, I am halfway through the semester. Stopping now will be stupid. Finish the semester then re-evaluate.
Talk to Caitlin first and see what she thinks.
No, it is not her responsibility to make my decisions for me.
Regardless of what Caitlin thinks, I still want to be available for her and the rest of my family.
Get my ass to school already!
I am pushing myself to get my degree so I can help a ton of people I don't know in the future while the people I know and love who need me now are being neglected. That is ass-backwards.

And my Lupus wasted NO time in taking advantage of the fact that I was a complete and utter mess.

I didn't know what to do so I started reading some blogs and Casey writing about how her daughter reminded them to "peh" gave me the answer. Awww...Daisy, you are so little and so damn smart! Why was I making such a complicated mess out of this? I should have known on my own to keep it simple and have a heart-to-heart with my Father in Heaven. I prayed for the answer with all my heart.

The next day, my daughter and I spent the day in the emergency department because she hit her head with a door and has a concussion. And there was my answer from God. My family needs me.

The next day, my doctor gave me a note for a medical leave until August of 2012. The decision was so difficult for me to make, after being a full-time student for the past 5 years. I have made some friends in my grad classes and it is so sad that they will be moving on in the program ahead of me. I won't be in their classes when I go back and that thought is a tough one to swallow. But, it is the right thing to do. My health as well as the health of my family and friends is more important right now. I will enjoy my time off and will look forward to my return in the fall!

Words Go A Long Way But Self-Reflection Will Get You Further

2011-10-13T11:33:00.006-04:00

I am writing this post after reading two blogs on my blogroll that mentioned some hurtful comments they received on their blogs recently (or even distantly). The fact that I have decided to take time to write about this when I should be doing something else may be just enough to encourage these commenters. After all, my time is valuable and writing takes energy that I have very little of these days yet, I am investing my time and energy on them. It must be important to me.

I visited Mommy Wants Vodka today and read this post which lead me to read this post. I know I am re-directing you a lot but trust me, it is worth the read and I encourage you to do some blog hopping. I commented on both posts then visited Amy's blog at Amy's Assorted Adventures and read this post which lead me to this post.

Holy shit. No wonder I don't get any work done around here!

This is not anywhere near the first time I have read about people leaving nasty comments on blogs. In fact, every blog I read where the author exposes his or her vulnerability has had nasty comments left by some ~~asshole~~ insecure person in the world. Tena, Brittany, and Penny Lane are just a few wonderful women (in addition to Aunt Becky and Amy) who have been (publicly, mind you) unfairly judged and criticized.

Why are they the target of criticism? Because they are REAL. Sure, they use humor to lighten the mood and keep readers interested but if you really take an interest in them, you will clearly see that they are beautiful human beings who go out on a limb. They stick their necks out and expose their private lives to everyone on the internet. As readers, we should NEVER take this lightly. It takes some people many years in counseling to gather the courage to reveal themselves to someone they truly trust yet these authors are revealing themselves to total strangers. We must always remember that being invited into somebody's private world is A PRIVILEGE, NOT A RIGHT and once we are invited in that world, we must take great care to avoid losing the person's trust.

Does this mean that we as readers should never be honest or ever challenge the author? Absolutely not. Indeed, we have all gained a lot of insight about our lives and our struggles when a truly caring person challenges us in gentle and tactful ways. However, to just throw thoughtless comments our way only accomplishes three things.

1) It hurts the author and possibly discourages him or her from EVER opening up again.
2) It makes you look like a complete and total fuckwad.
3) It breeds anger from some very dedicated followers who have really come to care about the author, even if we never met him or her in person.

And for the record, assigning the name of "Someone Who Cares" to yourself as you leave the comment does NOT AT ALL make the comment easier for the author to digest. Doing this only serves to make you feel like less of a fuckwad when you know you really are acting like one. If you truly DO care, at least have the decency to leave your name or contact information so we can connect with the person who cares about us so much because after all, we could all stand to have more people who care in our lives.

So, what can you do instead of cowardly throwing insults at the author when you are struck by what he or she said? First and foremost (before you start typing), you should ALWAYS take a moment to do some self-reflection and ask yourself, "WHY am I experiencing the need to attack? WHAT emotion am I struggling with right now and WHY am I having such a strong reaction?" I am willing to bet that if you really dig deep, 9 times out of 10, you will find that you are feeling threatened by what the author said because it brings up something from your past.

To the person who called Becky an "addict in plain sight," was there some event that happened in your past surrounding addiction that affected you? Maybe you are worried that you yourself may have an addiction? If any of this rings true, maybe you can begin your own healing process. To the person who told Amy that her orphanage "is just an institution," what sort of experiences had you had with various institutions in your life? If they were negative, then I can see why you may feel threatened but maybe you can come to the point where you can find value in some organizations that resemble institutions to you.

If the answer to those questions is something like, "I am experiencing sadness or fear for the author because I care about him or her," then you may consider saying something like, "I feel sad (or scared) for you" then offer something supportive rather than judgmental.

To all of my blog friends who have been targets of hurtful comments, please keep the following in mind.
1) When we write publicly, we open ourselves up to criticism.
2) When people respond to us in a negative way it is because what we said somehow threatens them. There is something in THEIR lives that they are struggling with and to cope with the anxiety within them, they project that threat back onto us because doing so is much less threatening than owning it themselves.
3) In some way, what you said, regardless of how they reacted, may have struck a nerve so much that they may realize for the first time that they are struggling with something sensitive.

PLEASE, do not stop writing your blogs and if you want to share something personal with us, continue to do so. You are helping your readers so much! By sharing your struggles and your personal experiences, it helps us all to understand that we are not so unusual for having similar experiences ourselves. That is what humanity is all about and despite the insecure people out there, I am always encouraged by the humanity that is shared among fellow bloggers!

I Received A Gift From My Mom Today!!

2011-10-10T10:57:00.004-04:00

I think I told you the meaning of my tattoos before but it is definitely worth repeating today! My mom died in 2006, after much illness and suffering. Her name is Jay and everyone called her "Jay Bird" or just "Bird." She loved blue jays because of it. I often see blue jays around my yard and one day, there was one that would not leave. It stayed within 20 feet from me for about 45 minutes before it flew away. I jokingly said, "Mom?" As it hung around longer, I started to think that it really may have been a sign. Maybe Mom really was with me?

I decided to dedicate a couple tattoos to my mom. On my upper arm, I have a blue jay flying. I put the earth and sun near the blue jay to show that this flight is beyond earth. It signifies Mom's freedom from the suffering she endured on earth and her freedom from disease. My mom had both of her legs amputated and I really find comfort in knowing that she is no longer disabled; held back because she doesn't have legs. I love what this tattoo means to me so much!

On my forearm, I have a solitary blue jay feather to remind me of that bird that wouldn't go away. Although Mom seems unreachable to me, this reminds me that in a way, she is still here with me, closer than she was before she died.

Today, I opened my front door to walk outside. A blue jay was on my walkway and when I opened the door, it flew away. I kept the mood light and laughed. I said out loud, "Come back, Mom!" then I sat on the step. I looked down and noticed the blue jay had left a feather on the ground! Now I am convinced that Mom is with me, especially today!

Feather I found on the ground left by the bird. It looks white but it is actually a very light blue. Must have been from the belly side of the bird.

Thank you for my gift Mom! I know you know how much it means to me! Thank you, God for the gift of eternal life so that I am able to appreciate moments such as this!!!

Post Script after I published this post:
My niece sent me this picture in a text about 2 hours after I posted this post.

Feather that was left near my niece today after a Blue Jay flew up to her and her son.

She said that last night she had a dream that her grandma (my mom) met her son Logan and she woke up feeling upset because she never got a chance to meet him. Today, a Blue Jay flew up to her and Logan and dropped this feather! Mom met Logan today and seems to be catching up on some family time!

This has been such a good day! I cried on the way to school thanking my mom for being so generous with love and gifts today!

Stress = New Tattoo!

2011-10-09T12:08:00.001-04:00

Well, I am stressed but then again, what else is new? Seriously, I don't know what life would feel like without stress and to be honest, I am not sure I would like it anyway. Sure, I like to feel relaxed and not have a care in the world but stress certainly makes me feel alive. And...stress is a perfect excuse to get a tattoo! And nobody can argue that you certainly feel alive while getting a tattoo! I am damn sure that my nerve cells are doing their job...especially when the needle gets uncomfortably close to the armpit, as I have learned!!

I added more to my arm. I love it. I looked at it when he was done tattooing me and I said, "Self, the tattoo is complete." Then I let about one day go by and said, "Self, there is still so much more room!" Damn addictions!

Although the kids' footprints are so special to me, my favorite part of this tattoo is the bird with the clouds around it. I love the way it came out!

Nope, not flexing which explains why you don't see a bicep. I really am not THAT weak! Just wanted to catch a side view!

Do I make the moon yellow or keep it as it is? Hmmmmm....

DEAR: Don't Enforce Asinine Rules!!

2011-10-04T17:25:00.001-04:00

I received an email from my 8th Grade son's teacher. In a nutshell, this is what it said.

Dear Mrs. Ditch,
Your son is being an enormous pain in my ass and he refuses to read during DEAR Time. Please straighten his ass out before I staple a referral to his skull.

Okay, she was a little more tactful than that. Actually, she was quite polite but given the mood I have been in...hell, I haven't had time to be in a mood...I was annoyed to say the least.

For those of you who have not been introduced to "DEAR Time" yet, it stands for "Drop Everything and Read." Now, I had DEAR time with my 3 year olds when I was a daycare teacher. I won't even get into how I feel about 8th graders having mandatory DEAR Time. That is a whole other topic!

Here is my reply.

Thank you so much for getting in touch with me. I appreciate that you are trying to keep this from escalating (to a referral) as well. I have talked to Chandler and explained that I expect him to be respectful above all else and that includes following directions and speaking in turn. I am sorry that you are having problems with him so soon into the school year and I sincerely hope that he will shape up so that you and he can have a positive relationship for the remainder of the year.

As far as reading is concerned, Chandler does not understand why he can't quietly work on his homework during DEAR time or study for upcoming tests. I understand what DEAR time is, however, I completely support Chandler's decision to get his homework started during this time. After all, he IS reading while studying.

He does play football and does not get home until after 6pm. Although I recognize that football is an extra-curricular activity, I strongly believe this exercise is not only good for him but necessary as well. I did tell him that I would take football away if needed but that is going to be a last resort as daily exercise is crucial for him.

As my husband has explained to you, he and I have a fundamental issue with the concept of homework in general. Although we recognize its importance in memorizing facts and establishing a sense of responsibility, we believe that our children should put in 100% of their effort during the school day and dedicate the rest of their time to family, play, and rest. We have not fought the homework issue completely and we have worked hard to find a compromise in our minds. I think utilizing DEAR time to get a head start on his homework is a good choice on Chandler's part as long as he is doing this quietly and not disturbing others.

(And here is the point I wanted to hit home...)

I believe that not allowing him to choose what he reads (his homework or history book versus any other book) is just a matter of enforcing a rule just for the sake of enforcing it without attempting to understand where Chandler is coming from or displaying flexibility in the learning process.

Please know that I understand that this is a school (and possibly a district) wide rule and you may not have anything to do with the outcome of this. For this reason, Chandler will talk with the principal regarding his (and our) stance on this. If Chandler does not feel his concerns were heard, then my husband and I will talk with the principal as well in hopes that we can come to some sort of resolution.

Again, thank you for your email and letting me know what is going on. I hope you and Chandler are able to have a positive and productive school year and that you will consider our concerns regarding DEAR time. Please feel free to contact me if you wish to discuss this further.

Needless to say, she wasn't overly responsive to my reply other than telling me,

Yes, it is a district-wide rule, I have no say in it.

At any rate, I am not FORCING my son to read a fictional book during DEAR time when he would rather read his History book.

Idiots.

My Lame Poem

2011-09-22T09:29:00.002-04:00

My books are scattered on the floor
I want to throw them out the door
I love the content of the pages
But would rather be out earning wages

I am sick of being tired and worn
Feel like I've been in school since I was born
My kids are growing up so fast
What was once my future is already my past.

I want so badly to counsel those
Who suffer from worries and from woes
But how much longer can I take
Before my body and mind will break?

I remind myself "Just 2 years more"
And "At least my classes aren't a bore."
"Keep plugging away, plow right through"
"Soon you will help those who feel blue!"

Busy But Improving!

2011-09-16T23:31:00.000-04:00

Perspective is a wonderful thing, isn't it? I just re-read my "FML" post and although life is crazy as hell, I can honestly say that I am in a slightly better place than I was that day. Thank you, God!

My classes for my Masters program are in full swing. And by "full swing" I mean that I want to pull all of the hair on my body out while drinking copious amounts of Captain and Cokes! I honestly don't have a damn clue how I am going to pull this one off!

On a good note, my dogs finally seem to be healthy again. Just in time for my son to get sick. Thankfully, my son doesn't puke and shit all over the carpet when he doesn't feel well and if he did, well then he is old enough to clean it himself! Although, I would probably feel so bad for him that I would end up doing it anyway.

Izzy ended up going to the vet the day after I had my nervous breakdown because of her poop soup all over the carpet. The vet checked the poo...negative for anything that moves...and stuck her fingers up poor Izzy's bum. Nothing found but that didn't ease my worries since I have pulled 4 pairs of thongs out of her ass since we got her 4 years ago. It has been a while since the last retrieval so I figured she was about due. I always worried that one of these days, her bowel would get obstructed.

After the vet appointment, I gave her her antibiotics and her special food. She puked it all out. Then she kept me up all night with the runs. The following day, she couldn't stand up and when she finally did, she just stood in one spot, unable to walk. I freaked out and took her to the Emergency Vet. She tested negative for Addisons's Disease and no obvious obstruction was found on the x-ray but "she seemed to have some foreign material in the intestines." I am not surprised in the least. She spent 2 nights there on IV fluids and meds because she was severely dehydrated despite my best efforts of giving her water from a cup and Gatorade. $1200.00 later, she is back to her happy, healthy self; barking, snuggling, and chasing every squirrel she lays her eyes on. Totally worth the money! I know I wouldn't have handled it well if that dog died. She is my pride and joy!!

The very next day, Clifford (the oldest of the 3 dogs) started with diarrhea and vomiting and that pretty much turned me into a freak show. My son couldn't understand why, when he realized he took the wrong bag home from football practice and had NO shoes to wear to school the next day, I screamed my head off then cried my guts out. And how the hell is it that a 13 year-old boy has size 12 feet?? Even my husband's shoes were too small for him! Anyway, Cliffy is doing better now. He has been on a "GI Healthy Diet" and gets pepcid before bed each night and the food is staying down!

I visited my friend whose husband is on hospice care and I have seen my father-in-law twice in the past 2 weeks. I am really incredibly sad about the both of them and it takes me quite a bit of strength to prepare myself mentally to see them. I am glad I am able to visit with them but I need to be incredibly self-aware and not go when I know that I don't have what it takes to be completely present for them.

So things are going better this week although I am soooo busy with school, family stuff, firehouse stuff, and just STUFF in general that I am worried about this whole idea of getting my Masters. I will just keep plugging away and see where I end up. Hopefully it isn't in a padded room!

Funny thing though...I told my adviser about my concerns about being overwhelmed. After we talked for a bit, I finally said, "I can do this. With enough Xanax and Margaritas, I can do anything!" He laughed and told me, "You keep self-medicating to get you through this semester. In the spring, you will be taking the Addictions class and we will get you off of all that then." Hysterical!

I hope you are all doing well!!

Conversations

2011-09-06T15:40:00.000-04:00

Mom! I don't have my form filled out for football! Where did you put it??? I can't play without it!

I don't know where it is. I am sure I can fill one out when I drop you off. Don't worry about it.
..............................................................................................................................................................

Mom, I texted the coach. He said you can fill one out today.

See? All set. No worries.
..............................................................................................................................................................

To the woman in the nurses office:

Hi. My son is playing football and I filled out the form. I see that he needs to sign the form. He is practicing right now. Should I interrupt him and have him sign it now or can he sign it after practice?

HE NEEDS TO SIGN THIS FORM!

I understand he needs to sign it. What I need to know is if I should interrupt him now or have him do it later.

HE SHOULDN'T EVEN BE OUT THERE PLAYING NOW IF HE DIDN'T SIGN IT!!

Okay. The coach said I can fill it out while he begins...

He can't play until it is signed!!

Fine. I will have him sign it now. Oh, ummmm, can you NOT be such a bitch about it because I am really not in the mood?
..........................................................................................................................................................

Upon return with the form that my son has no clue as to what he just signed:

Here you go.

(Big smile) Thank you. The coach is right in the office so you are all set. I will get this right to him. Have a good day.

That's what I thought!!!
Thank you. You do the same.

FML

2011-09-02T10:31:00.003-04:00

I love going to fmylife.com and reading all of the entries in there. I laugh my ass off while I read some of them. Others I just simply say to the computer, "Waaah! Deal with it." I love that I can click on the "In your face" button and tell people that they totally got what they deserved and I also love that I can click the "yea, you deserve to have a pity party" button as well. I try to be supportive for the most part after all. Going into the field of counseling, I obviously DO have compassion for people and their problems but here is a little secret. The whole FML thing...usually makes me LESS compassionate for people. I am usually compassionate about the issues bothering someone UNTIL they throw in "FML." For example:

Friend: "I am having such a shitty day."
Me: "I am so sorry. What happened?"
Friend: "Well, I went to the mall and they didn't have the shirt I really wanted then I went home and I had to wash the dishes. FML!"
Me (on the inside): "Really? Fuck your life because of THAT?" (On the outside), "Uh....sorry?"

I think people use that phrase way too often. As a mental health counselor in training, when someone says "FML," I have a sense that they are at the end of their rope. That if ONE more bad thing happens to them, they are going to take the bridge. There are definitely times when it is understandable to say, "Fuck everything!" For instance...

My classes started Wednesday. I have to find a way to buy the rest of the books I need immediately. I have 10 of the FIFTEEN books I need for my FOUR classes. Throw in the online reading....oh my God, all the online reading AND MY PRINTER BROKE! I just keep reminding myself every day that I AM ONE DAY CLOSER TO MY DEGREE!

My daughter's laptop has been missing for a week now and I am positive that it isn't in this house. Money was taken from my bedroom about a week ago as well. Of course, NOBODY fesses up to it so as my mother used to tell me, it must have been Casper the Ghost. Meanwhile, my trust in people has been bruised and if you know me at all, you know that my trust in people (for the most part) is...WAS a quality of mine I held dear. I just WON'T turn into that person who is suspicious of everyone! What a horrible way to live. I hope the bruise heals soon. But...the laptop (and money from my bedroom) has been stolen none-the-less.

My father-in-law has been in a nursing home and I really want to go visit him. I feel so bad that I don't have the time to see him as often as I would like and I get really angry when "people" (I won't name names here) tell me how much he would like to see me. I will definitely plan to get there next week but I also know that school is going to have me working incredibly hard this semester!

My doctor told me that my Lupus has progressed. Lupus is a spectrum disease. It can be mild, moderate, or severe, or anywhere in between. Mine is on the high end of moderate now. He put me on a mild dose of chemotherapy pills and it seems to be helping but the pain in my foot is still there. At my last visit, the first year resident interviewed me. She got my information, spoke with the doctor, then they both came in to talk to me. I told the resident that I think the problem in my toe is Gout, rather than Lupus Arthritis. She asked me why I thought that and I gave all my reasons. She left to talk with the doc and he and she return. Doc (who is absolutely AMAZING and I thank God all the time for getting me hooked up with him) says, "Dr. Resident just made a very good catch. She believes the problem in your foot may be Gout. We will test your uric acid and if it is Gout, we have ways to treat it." I let her keep the feather in her cap. I mean really, it won't hurt me any. My only goal here is to get the pain relieved. Dr. Resident making a medical diagnosis, regardless of exactly HOW it got diagnosed on the other hand, is a big deal for her. But really, I diagnosed my Lupus 4 years before the docs did because their precious ANA test came back negative each time (which does NOT rule out Lupus) and now I may have diagnosed my own Gout. I am freakin' brilliant and convinced that since I don't know calculus at all, pre-med students should not have to know the useless shit!! I seem to have figured out how to understand what a patient feels without even knowing the damn limits in calculus! Imagine that!

My youngest and biggest dog has had the squirts for 3 days now. Every single time I passed the dining room, there was a new piece of watery artwork on the carpet. Yesterday, I just couldn't take it anymore. I began crying each time I started to clean up another puddle of poo. I took a break from the cleaning to talk to my dear friend. She informed me that her husband has been placed on home hospice care. I bawled my eyes out as soon as I hung up because I know that hospice = less than 6 months to live and I love this man so very much! They both have been a huge part of my life for 20 years now. My friend is dying. My dear friend's husband is dying. I texted my husband to tell him and he replied, "How is (friend) doing?" I answered. He never texted me back asking how I am doing and that made me cry even harder. I went back downstairs TO FIND ANOTHER MOTHER EFFING PUDDLE ON THE FLOOR! Everyone by now is getting on my case to call the vet but I wasn't going to do that until the damn carpet was cleaned. I began cleaning and began puking. Not because I couldn't stand the smell because I am a mother and an EMT and although smells do bother me, they normally don't bring me to retching unless I am too stressed to deal with it.

I cleaned a 3'x3' area of carpet for an hour and ran out of carpet cleaner so finished the job with Shout.

Then the big dog wiped her ass on the other carpet and left a smear.

Then the little dog puked stomach bile on the other carpet.

Then all the shitty water from the carpet cleaner poured out of the hand tool hose and made an enormous crap puddle on the floor....and my sock.

Then I kept getting busy signals when I called the vet.

Then I realized that I don't have any money on me to take the dog to the vet OR to buy my school books.

Then I got a text from my daughter that someone I know died.

All of this while I was (AGAIN) trying to quit smoking.

FML!FML! Even typing that now feels slightly wrong. I mean, I have sooo much to be thankful for and my life certainly could be wayyyy worse! I certainly don't want to overlook all the good in my life and I am not anywhere close to finding the nearest bridge.

I Finished cleaning the carpet, bought a pack of cigarettes, and went to the tattoo place to plan the rest of my quarter sleeve!

Today is a new day and I am scared.

My Tattoo Addiction Continues...

2011-08-29T21:54:00.002-04:00

The arm will be a quarter sleeve when it is done. Here are my pics from the last sitting. Sorry about the order of the pics. I don't have the patience to fix this!

Before it was finished and while it was bleeding. Ew.

This is how it looks finished. Well, not finished because when it heals, I am going back but finished for now.

When it is healed, I will be adding more to make it all one tattoo. Here are some ideas for the background. I will NOT be getting this crazy with it but may be getting the inspiration from them. Not positive yet. May go with something more "girly" like stars and swirls. Who knows.

And NO, I don't care what it all looks like when I am in my 60's or 70's. If the only thing that I have to worry about at that age are tattoos, I am doing pretty damn good!

Most of these pics came from THIS SITE. I highly recommend checking it out if you are interested in tattoo shopping. These tattoos are insane!!!

This is my FAVORITE and will most likely be going with something like this!

In other news, I begin my graduate classes on Wednesday and although I am looking forward to everyday being one day closer to my degree, I really am NOT excited about my summer vacation ending. I have really enjoyed my time off with the exception of Lupus Flairs from the sun.

I have 15 required books for the 4 classes I am taking! This may be a bit of a challenge for me. Just sayin'.

The Time I Was Advised to File a Sexual Harassment Charge

2011-08-24T13:39:00.003-04:00

Warning: If you are easily offended by everyday, NORMAL (albeit different from some) motherly thoughts and behaviors, you are too uptight to read this post. Just move on before you call the authorities!

I was reading a blog I am newly following today. I will be honest. I only followed her because I loved the title of her blog. Absolutely Narcissism. How freakin' perfect is that name? It called to me in such a beautiful voice, I just HAD to answer the call! But this blog is awesome and I highly recommend checking it out!!!

This morning, I read about how her blog isn't porn and it got my juices flowing. No, not THOSE juices! This isn't mind-in-the-gutter-writing. The juices I am referring to are the who-the-hell-do-these-judgmental-people-think-they-are juices.

I grew up in a home with an Italian single mother of three. In fact, I use that excuse for my sailor mouth quite a bit. Life was different for me than for some. My mother didn't sensor herself when she was pissed off and yelling at me that I was the reason for her high blood pressure that would lead to her stroke. Imagine my dismay when she finally did have a stroke. Our dinner-table talk often consisted of calling each other the most rotten names we could come up with. My sister, brother and I would start off and Mom would yell at us to "cut that disgusting shit out." But it never failed. Mom would eventually win the battle with an awesomely disgusting name for the 3 of us and we would end up laughing our asses off. I miss you, Mom!!

My sister and I fought like sisters do but for the most part (and the part that really mattered), we were very close. We didn't cover our bodies around each other. We took pictures of each other's really cool poops. She helped me count the newly grown hairs on my pubescent body then proceeded to announce the number at the dinner table. When I first got my period, she stood at the front of the bus and announced to the entire busload of people who were all 5 years my senior "My sister is on the rag!" Don't get me wrong. She embarrassed the hell out of me but it didn't scar me for life. In fact, it made me realize that I didn't have to be embarrassed about stuff like that. She made me feel normal and comfortable in my skin (until her friends all "congratulated" me for reaching new milestones). The point is that when it came to foul language and body parts in our house, there were very few rules.

Doors stayed open while we were in the bathroom unless the stench got to be too much.

Bathtime for one became a family event. No, we didn't all get in the tub with Mom! That would be gross. But we did all enter the bathroom and hang out while she yelled at us, "Is nothing Sacred?!?!" I would tease her about missing a spot shaving and she would yell at me to get the fuck out of the bathroom (at which point, I would invite the dog into the bathroom because no family event is complete without the dog).

So it goes without saying that by the time I had a family of my own, I wasn't embarrassed and uptight about certain things. My kids bathed with me until they were 3-4 years old. My 13 year old son has seen my body quite a bit. At the age of 9, he watched The Titanic and wasn't the least bit embarrassed or excited when boobies came on the TV. "Mom, I have seen boobs before!" To me, a boob is just a body part, just like an arm or a leg. Now that he is 13, he does turn his head if our paths cross when I am wearing nothing (or I ask him to give me my phone charger when I have just gotten out of the tub) but I honestly think that is more out of respect for me than his own comfort level. He just shakes his head and says, "Mom, really?" I don't think he is scarred for life.

Now that he is getting older, I wonder things about his development. I respect his privacy and don't sneak peeks but I wonder. I asked my husband to check him out the other day and tell me if he is growing. My husband told me there is something wrong with me and refused. He just doesn't get it! How the hell am I supposed to know if my baby is maturing the way he should be? "Nicki, the doctor would tell us if he wasn't!" But what if the doctor is really, really small? What does he have to compare my son to? Is there some chart? There has got to be a chart. Can he just tell me where on the sliding scale my son falls into? I want to know if he is going to make someone really happy some day! Because I am a responsible mother, I will occasionally yell at my son while he is in the bathroom, "Honey, is it bigger than when you were 5?" He answers back, "MOM!!!!" Ummm...that didn't answer my question, honey!

I nursed my son until he was 8 months old and I loved every bit of it. I would have nursed him longer but when his teeth came in, he really used them and nursing became a traumatic event for both of us. When he was 3 months old, I joined the fire department and became an EMT. I was on a nighttime team every 10th night and had to respond to any ambulance calls that came in between 10pm and 5am. It never failed that the calls would come in right at the moment that I was nursing my son. I told my team members about this dilemma because really, what the hell? Can't people have heart attacks at a more convenient time?

One day while a bunch of us were at the firehouse, a male member of my team said, "Nicki, don't nurse your son tonight or we will get a call." Later, an uptight woman called me on my phone and said that I really need to press sexual harassment charges against my male colleague. I asked her what for and she said that he really shouldn't be talking about me nursing my baby in front of others at the firehouse. What. The. Fuck. I told her that I was fine with it and she said it was sexual harassment. Why? Because it involved my boobies? This is what I told her. "I am perfectly comfortable with and proud of the way I choose to feed my son. If I were feeding him with a bottle and he mentioned that, would you be equally offended? It sounds to me like YOU are the problem here. If YOU have a problem with hearing about how I feed my baby, then YOU can do one of three things. 1) File the charges yourself. 2) Open that tightly closed mind of yours and realize that breastfeeding isn't at all sexual 3) March your ass out of the room if you are that offended by my choices." The conversation ended there and she never spoke another word of it to me.

What is it with people? Why is it that the thought or mention of a human body part makes people so damn freaky? Don't get me wrong. I don't like porn. There are definitely inappropriate comments and actions when it comes to bodies. BUT just because your ways and ideas differ from mine, it doesn't mean that mine our perverted. I am glad I don't get all righteous about things like this. I am glad that I am comfortable with the human body and the functions of the human body. I like to think that makes me a better wife, mother, and EMT. It will make me a better Mental Health Counselor. Can you imagine if a client of mine tells me about a thought s/he has that is a normal thought for most and I tell him/her how disgusting that is? Even if I didn't say it but felt it, how could I possibly be a good counselor with those feelings? I am also glad that my kids are learning at a young age that the shit that goes on with our bodies may be embarrassing but it is normal. I certainly would not want them growing up thinking there is something seriously wrong with them simply because I was too much of a tight-wad and closed-minded to teach them otherwise.