Diary of a Chinese Lesbian

New Website is UP!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 22:10:00 +0000

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for your words of support in the last years. I finally did what I wanted to do since the beginning; move the blog to its own domain. After many hours of learning, tweaking, and trial & error coding, I've figured it all out and here are the results. I'm super excited! I hope you enjoy the new space and call it home like I have :)

This will be my last post via blogger.

Please visit diaryofachineselesbian.com from now on.

Cheers,

Luxi

Circle of Self-Sabotage

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 16:45:00 +0000

When we get our hearts broken in a severe way, it's hard to get out of the comfort zone and let yourself love again, but just remember, when the risks are great; the rewards are greater.

Circle of Self‐Sabotage
The depiction of the inner workings of one's contemplation, and emotional progression as illustrated through flow charts.

The root of fear resides in the risk one adheres when presented with the potential of awesomeness. In a bout of irrational and self‐preserving thought to prevent the potential loss and ultimate heartbreak, although questionable, one is captivated and petrified by the fear. This launches the emotional self to unleash defense mechanisms that render the 'heart' unavailable leaving involved parties frustrated which ultimately leads to the certainty of loss.

It is clear that fear and emotional captivity is a self‐contained process with few extraneous factors. However, as enslaving as this cyclic progression of crashing and burning is, it can be easily dismantled if the rightful party realizes the greater potential for awesomeness and the ultimate rewards that that scenario can provide.

One must let go of all inhibitions and open the doors to emotional gain to become in the moment and share all the emotions with the involved party.

Poem: 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 18:47:00 +0000

Twenty-o-nine went by and what has transpired?
Productivity and self discovery fueled by random desires.
Done are the days of tequila, girls, and unrelenting aggression,
One night with me and even the straights will question.

Ode to an official end with papers in sight,
No regrets, no grudges, especially no spite.
Ready as I'll ever be to take on a new chapter,
Bring lust, butterflies, and even heartache thereafter.

A new place with a fireplace and a modern-chic theme,
Balanced out with my practical and eco-aware scheme.
Minimized yet not minimalist, that will be home,
Can't wait to get settled and call the place my own.

Dream school here I come, third try's the charm,
She's serious this time? Quick, sound the alarm!
I'm not considering one but two tests this time,
Succeeding at both would just be Oh so sublime.

This year like always, there will be no regrets,
I'm certain about myself, my values, so "no sweat"!
Going to get hyped up with new beats and sounds,
Everything is set in place, let's see what goes down.

Poem: 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 03:07:00 +0000

Written in February of 2009.

Rollercoasters and free-falls from the highest high,
Brought down by betrayal, denial and the most painful good-bye.
Strength foretold the end and a modern beginning,
A fresh chapter written with confident new winnings.

It will be NSAs, PDAs, and everything in between,
Let's just hope no one we catch will be in their teens.
This new year will fill us with great obstacles and drama galore,
But we will always have each other to pimp out and whore.

No matter what, it's all or nothing, no half assing at all,
The goal is to achieve the most ultimate most extreme blue ball.
Brand spanking new dresses with matching accessories to boot,
We'll just have to see who goes home with the biggest loot.

The message is clear "master your domain",
Bring it on Bitches, bring on all the make-out fame.
So ladies and gentlemen lay down all your bets,
When the smoke has cleared,
What ever happens, no regrets.

Focus/Discipline

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 06:51:00 +0000

It has been an year since things fell apart and now that I've gathered all the pieces and cleared out the rubbish, it's time to start myself down a new path. 2009 started off pretty bumpy and quickly spiraled into consecutive weekends of mad dancing, drinking, randomness, and the rest of the craziness I threw myself into; in an effort to feel something... anything.

The next year will require much more focus and discipline. I need to rock the standardized tests if I were to get anywhere (yes, I'm considering taking more than one). Meanwhile, on the personal side, I may open myself up again to heart break.

"When", I ask, "do we stop looking for that person? When does one fulfill enough of the 'standards' set to say that you will be satisfied for life?" The more people I meet, the more I reflect, ponder, idealize; the narrower my field of search. I'm now looking through a pinhole. That aside, I don't think I'd be satisfied with anything less. In an already shallow 'date pool', what I'm asking for is relationship suicide. Then again, I have straight friends with even more specific standards and they seem to have found people who are above and beyond their expectations.

Perhaps, it's not all at loss.

au·ton·o·my

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:56:00 +0000

Journal entry - sometime in September.

au·ton·o·my
Pronunciation: \-mē\
Function: noun
Date: circa 1623 Merriam-Webster Dictionary

1 : the quality or state of being self-governing; especially : the right of self-government
2 : self-directing freedom and especially moral independence
3 : a self-governing state

I rejoice in the feeling of independence. The wind in your hair,laugh out loud, do what you want and when you want kind of freedom. I love that carefree existence where the only one I have to answer to is myself. I don't want to be responsible for someone else, nor do I want someone else to be responsible for me...

I seek pleasure in the admiration of something unique. I love that warm caress and the smell of another gentle soul taking care in embracing me with tenderness. Returning the same adoration gives me such soothing pleasure. I long for the day that I can call someone my own...

I have a hard time finding equilibrium.

I need the capacity to make individualistic and un-coerced decisions. Even the most perfect partnership is no exception. It's time to recollect myself again...

Happiness?

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 20:12:00 +0000

This is a page out of my journal...

What does it mean to be happy?

To feel a sense of elation; that floating in thin air feeling? When you feel like smiling just because everything seems so wonderful? When everything is just so perfect?

Happiness is only real when shared. - Into the Wild

After spending so many many days alone. I have grasped what it means to be happy. To be truely in my own element. When it comes down to it, you can only depend on yourself to be happy. At the end of the day, you have to be happy with the person you are and not just the person you are with.

I am too generous a person; I give too much.

When I get into a relationship, it quickly becomes an infatuation, an obsession; something I must have. I have always got what I wanted. But after that initial chase, when I finally catch up to my obsession, I give in. I give in whole-heartedly. Without inhibition to the other person. It's powerful, and I can be totally and utterly lost in the person and I wouldn't even know it. I become a part of them. I alter my behaviour, my preferences to what I subconsciously think they want. I start giving up myself, losing the passions that make me.

How do I get out of that cycle? I need to remove myself from people and break away the bonds that are suffocating me. I need to be solidified. Cast in copper. Right now, I'm only in the molding stages. Frustrated and torn apart from the inside by my own insanity, yet trying to reconstruct everything in a material that's unchanging; indestructable.

I still don't know where I am. How and why I made the choices that I have. I tried to do everything in my own accord, but at the end, they were for everybody else. How do I break away? How do I know what I choose is my true intentions?

I am reconstructing myself from the basics...

Dy-NASTY

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 14:52:00 +0000

Alright alright... here's something from Pride... this is the dance I performed on one of the Pride stages in support of Asian Community Aids Services. :)

Pride Week

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 22:20:00 +0000

This is going to me my first full-immersion pride experience!!! And I'm soooo excited. Not only am I going to watch the pride march, I'm also performing on a pride stage, non-stop partying at all the biggest gay bashes, organizing a LGBT business conference, and living with a lovely group of gay Asian boys for the whole week ^^

I've come a long way since quiet little Chinese girl that kept all her crushes to herself. This Sunday I'll be sporting around my short skirt and bikini stealing kissing from all the hawt girls and boys of pride!!! Weeeee!!! It will be fantastic!

Videos and pics to come ^^

Coming Out

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 01:26:00 +0000

Who ever knew that watching hot women satisfy each other’s sexual desires would unlock a lifetime of denial? I thought I was free from the complexities of the homo world but boy, was I wrong...

It was three years into my straight relationship when I realized I actually loved girls. If it wasn't for abstinence, my ex's absence, and a very erotic nudge from the L Word, I might still be the sporty Chinese girl who puts up with Dick (no, that's not his name, but I'll refer to him as Dick just for simplicity and giggles). Let's just say, the summer of 2005 opened all the doors to my sexuality and my once dormant libido finally came up for air.

Two months into that lonesome summer, and under the pressure of 4 summer courses, I started thinking about my childhood and how I became the "girl-liking" person that I am. It pushed me to look into same sex literature and 'visual aid' (i.e., non-pornographic of course ;p). I started peeking into this world I knew nothing of and found a well of information that was both intriguing and foreign. I started hoarding lesbian movies, tv shows and saving every piece of Chinese lesbian culture I could find (mind you, there were few at the time).

In those days, I identified vaguely as bisexual only to my boy friend. Going into the relationship I had confided in him that I've had crushes on girls throughout my life, but he didn't take it as a threat and was very nonchalant about it. But what guy wouldn't be ok with his girlfriend liking other girls? Isn't that just a giant leap closer to fulfilling every man's 3some fantasy?

Anyways, not soon after setting off on my gay-expedition to the homo grail, I discovered the L Word; the key that unlocked my chaste mind. I sat in bed one evening, watching and re-watching some of the more ‘explicit’ episodes, and it hit me like a bullet train crammed with suspended Japanese commuters (don’t ask, the idea always massaged my imagination). My persona finally made contact with the idea of being gay and it felt like I was being thrusted (the pelvis kind) into a new era. It’s like when the kid and ET touched fingers for the first time, except this time, ET became a fag.

The shock came in the form of a dull pain of hollowness. Like blunt trauma rammed against the weak walls of my heart trying to wake my senses. I’ve denied it entry my whole life but this time the calling was unbearable. Too many naked girls have glossed my eyes, too many episodes of girl-on-girl action have lapsed into my subconscious, I could ignore it no more. I finally came home to my weird homoerotic world.

After the initial pain surpassed and realization settled in, I sat there stunned and before I knew it, I was screaming at the top of my lungs into my pillow. When I came up for air, tears were smears across my face, I felt ashamed, betrayed by my own sexuality, and scared of the unchartered waters that lie ahead. After calming myself down, I worked up the courage to call my best friend.

Me: J, I need to tell you something. Guess what it is.
J: Well there can only be a few things… you can’t possibly be pregnant… umm… you like girls?
Me: No…
J: Well, what else can it be? You can’t be married either.
Me: I think I’m a lesbian…
J: I just said that. I just asked you if you liked girls.
Me: You did? I didn’t hear you say that. Your voice must've been muffled.
J: Yah, I did. Just now. Like 5 seconds ago.
Me: Damn, that’s anti-climatic.

It Takes a Bitch to Breakup with One

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 18:42:00 +0000

After my rather lucrative contract job in Vegas (i.e., I don't mean gambling or prostituting), I made enough money to fly back to Vancouver and breakup with my psycho ex-girlfriend. Please get your head out of the gutter, I was selling Bamboo flooring at a trade show. They paid me $1000 cash on top of an all expense paid trip to Las Vegas to work for five days. It was a pretty sweet deal, my boss even took me to the Bellagio for dinner.

I have to admit, the only thing that kept me from cutting her off was a cd that was in her possession (and the fear that she'll come to Toronto and murder me). Let's just say that if I angered her enough (which was easy to do) and she decided to distribute the videos and pictures on the cd, my name would be tarnished many lifetimes over.

So, I did the only thing I could do. Be just as cracked-out as she was.

I booked a flight to Vancouver and promised her that we would celebrate Valentine's Day together (awwwww… ). I think I even bought her something (awwww…), but I forget what it was. But behind the scenes I was setting a contingency plan in place, notifying my best friends of my whereabouts and the dangers of what I was about to do. This was serious stuff, psycho ex had a history of violence and drug abuse, I wasn't about to take my chances. I would check in with my friends frequently and if anything bad went down, J, S and the authorities would be there in a heart beat.

First I played nice like there was nothing wrong with our relationship (although, we probably had enough problems and complexes between us to write our own Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Then, when she was out of the room I'd search frantically for the cd.

It didn't take long before I found the cd. It was unmarked and left underneath some shoe boxes, one of her few hiding places (she wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box). I immediately stuffed it in my bag and waited for an opportunity to destroy it. While she was out (probably, smoking up or cheating on me), I took a lighter to the 700MB disc and watched my anxieties burn away.

Now that the disgracing evidence was taken care of, it was time for the hardest part of all, the break up.

Here's some lines I might've used:
- I came here to tell you because I care about you and want to stay friends.
- I didn't want to breakup over the phone because we've had a history together.
- You know you treated me like shit from the start and this wasn't going to last.
- You cheated on me and I can't forgive you.
- I can't live the same lifestyle that you do.
- I don't want to live on a farm and horseback ride for the rest of my life.
- I don't know if I'm going to move back to Vancouver.
- I don't want to move back to Vancouver.
- I'm not moving back to Vancouver.
- You're suffocating me, I need more freedom.
- I love dick.

Of course the dialogue was more heated. More specifically, it involved a lot of screaming, yelling, crying, finger pointing and a heavy dinner plate missing me by inches. Nonetheless, I came out of it physically unscathed (can't say the same about my emotional or psychological well-being). But hey, it worked, I became single and I didn't even have to use my entourage.

The Worth of Disclosure

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 02:29:00 +0000

Response to Carolyn's comment on A Family Visit [探亲]

"My sister was not out to my grandparents yet. A lot of well-off and/or artistic lesbian couples had moved into their area, a nice quiet area in Northern California. So my grandparents were getting acclimated. There was a bakery they LOVED called Two Fishes Bakery (I thought it was a reference to Dr. Suess; my middle sister thought it was b/c it was two women, but maybe it was both). i got my fiance a cap there, which he loves. it's got the two fish logo on it"

Anyway, my youngest sister (gay) and I (bi) are sitting with my grandma in this bakery/coffee shop we all love, and my grandma, while accepting to a point, has her moments of indiscretion. ANyway, she goes, "I bet we're the only straight people in here."

Insert awkward silence.

Now, I pass as straight since my fiance is a male, whereas my sister only dates women, so...I felt more awkward for her than anything. Talk about an unconscious microaggression on my gma's part!

p.s. i hate not being able to be upfront with the relatives i have left about my identity! my sisters know it, i haven't really let my dad know (moot point since i'm marryign the guy? or not? i debate), nor my grandparents. it's like being biracial, i'm in the gray area and I pass both as white and straight and it sucks because i'm a chameleon and can advocate without people having already made assumptions about me, BUT it also means that people can commit microagressions consciously or unconsciously (since people sense more than they consciously know) and I'm kind of left to debate the worth of disclosure."

Thanks for taking the time and having the courage to share your story Carolyn. :)

It's an awful place to be when you can't be honest with the people you love. But at least we now have the freedom to be honest with ourselves and with the friends who do understand us. They have our backs, and eventually we'll all have the strength to proclaim who we are and be proud of it.

I hate it most when can't be honest to my mom. We used to be the closest of friends, I used to spend nights talking with her on Skype. We'd joke around, laugh so hard that our cheeks would hurt, and talk about anything and everything (yes, even the gay stuff).

I thought I had made doubly sure that she would be okay with me being gay. We've talked about homosexuality, gay parenting and even artificial insemination! And she had no problems with any of it (as long as it wasn't her own daughter). She even said that children should go to loving families, and it shouldn't matter if the parents are same-gendered. I even told her that I go to strip clubs (i.e., naked chicks) and frequent gay bars. In response, she said that 'Oprah' said that "these days gay bars are safe havens for party girls", and if I had to party somewhere I should be safe.

So what went wrong? Well, nothing. She had a natural Chinese-mom reaction (silence, followed by some guilt trip comment like "No, you're not. I'm not a bad mother". I don't blame her for it, and no matter what awful things she might say, I'll still make an effort to communicate with her. Even though, it feels like a lost cause most of the time, I still know that she has the potential to come around.

I can't describe how much it pains me to know that she's oblivious to the person that I am. A few times during my last visit, I had to force a yawn just to hide my tears. I often ask myself, doesn't she know how happy I am now? Doesn't she know how much it hurts me that she's choosing to have nothing to do with it? I guess her fears of coming out as a gay parent is similar to my experience of coming out. She doesn't want to lose her friends, she doesn't want to lose face, she doesn't want to be the parent who wasn't 'good enough' to raise a 'normal' straight daughter.

Sometimes it's good to at least have a sense of humor 8). So I sometimes imagine myself loudly proclaiming my sexuality to my parents and all my relatives. It goes something like this:

All my relatives and close family friends gather at a Chinese Banquet Hall for their Chinese New Year Feast. There's much chatter about who's making the most money, who's having an affair, who just got a divorce, who's daughter or son is going to the best schools, how much this dinner is going to cost and who's paying for it, etc.

All of a sudden, I stand up and say: "I'm a Lesbian!!!!"
Everyone else: What?! [Followed by whispers]
Me: You know, women who fuck other women; Lesbians!
Dad: Good for you daughter! I always knew you had the courage to do anything. I'm sorry, I didn't know that your life was so hard, I think a large spending allowance should ease things up.
Me: Thanks Dad, that means a lot.
Mom: I'm so glad you finally came out. I was wondering how long it would take. See, it's not too bad. Mao created a populous China, but he didn't think that they were going to age. Half the audience didn't hear what you just said, you need to say it again.
Me: I'M A LESBIAN! I LOVE WOMEN!
My Oldest Aunt: That's wonderful! We always needed more diversity in the family. Hey, I heard that your second cousin's friend is a Lesbian, maybe you two should get together.
Me: No, I don't need that, I actually got married a few months ago. Really nice girl, sexy, smart, funny.
Dad: What?! Why haven't you brought her over for dinner yet?! We need to meet this nice girl.
Me: Actually, she's standing right behind you.
[Everyone turns around, scans Chanda and lets out a very approving "Wooooo... Ahhhhh..."]
Me: Did I mention that she's Harvard educated?
[Even more Wooooos and Ahhhhhs]
My Aunt Yan: Holy poodle sticks, you got yourself one great catch! Why are we not Lesbians?

But in reality, many of us still hide out. Too afraid to stand up to 'the family'. The fear of disgrace and tarnishing the family name is etched into us. Even growing up in Canada since 1989 didn't make a dent in mine. Next week, I'll work on a letter to my mom. Something that will tell her the sorrow she has caused me, the sadness that I feel for our relationship, and that if she just wants me to be happy, then she should just be happy for me.

Impact of the Chinese "Reform"

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:02:00 +0000

August 17, 2008 6:08 PM
phoenix's comment on Chinese Lesbians Takeover the Web!: Can anyone help me? Since the reforms of 2001, what impact has there been on lesbian artists in the PRC and can anyone give me some names?

That's a very good question. I'm assuming that you're talking about China dropping homosexuality from the list of mental disorders. Although this was a huge step for the Chinese gay community, it'll still be many more steps until women in the media to feel comfortable coming out in public. The first and only (that I know of) out lesbian artist in China is Qiao Qiao. However, this reform has opened a whole new avenue for artistic expression. It's actually estimated that there are 30 million gays and lesbians living in China, so when it actually becomes ok to come out, then "we're taking over bitches!!!"

Since the 'reform', there has been several historical events for Chinese lesbians.

Fish and Elephant [Jin Nian Xia Tian]
Click here to watch the trailer. This is the first lesbian film (i.e., non-porno) from mainland China that portrays the realistic love story between two Chinese women. Even though the film quality is poor and the budget was literally nonexistent, director Li Yu still did such a phenomenal job with the details that it feels like you're the one having the love affair.

Gay Connections [Tongxing Xianglian]
China's first gay talk show! This is a 12 part weekly talk show broadcasted in 2007 on several online video pages including Phoenixtv.com, Sina.com, QQ.com and Mop.com. I actually haven't found the actual online videos yet , so please let me know when you do. Their first guest was Qiao Qiao and it's hosted by Didier Zheng, a "French-educated homosexual", what ever that's supposed to mean. I guess he could have a dying thirst for haute couture, a Chinese French accent, and a wine connoisseur who's obsessed with cheese parings.

I've also read that there has been a paper published by one of China's top universities on gay sex among men in China. Also, there are some 'government' sanctioned gay internet chatrooms in Beijing. Although, I've never used them myself, I've come across a few and it mostly caters to gay men.

Other lesbian films that have been making it in the mainstream are:

Saving face
This is my favourite lesbian film because it focuses on the serious issue of coming out to a Chinese family but it's also a romantic comedy with a hilarious twist. It's written and directed by first time film maker Alice Wu, who actually has a masters in computer science from Stanford, but she really started making it big after she ditched her parents' ambitions and pursued her own (hooray for telling your parents to fuck off!). Oh yah, and it stars Joan Chen (陈冲) a huge movie star in my parent's generation. I even got my mom to watch this movie before I came out to her 8p.

Butterfly
This is a film out of Hong Kong that follows the life of a married high school teacher who constantly reminisce about her teenage lesbian love affair with her female classmate. Her married life actually reminds me of my last straight relationship. O_O Seemingly carefree and harmonic, but filled with anxiety and longings for something different (i.e., a woman).

Spider Lilies
This movie was a slow to pick up and sometimes hard to follow, but all you need to know is that the two lead actresses are super hot. A must see!

Les Filles du Botaniste (Chinese Botanists Daughter)
The cinematography of this film is amazing, it's very artistic. And although it's filmed in Vietnam (Chinese authorities probably didn't want anything to do with the gays), they did a really good job making it look like China. The story is set in the 1980s-1990 and follows a tragic love affair between and female student and the 'Chinese Botanists Daughter'.

A Family Visit [探亲]

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 05:44:00 +0000

This trip home reminded me why I moved away, why I went to Toronto for school and why I decided to stay my distance post-graduation; I needed to escape and I didn't want to 常回家看看 [A very popular Mandarin song titled 'Come Home and Visit Us Often']

It wasn't only to escape my mom's constant nagging. Although she seems to nag with more frequency and voracity every time we meet. I had to start a new life where I could make decisions without feeling guilty about how it would look on the family. But now, every time I visit, I get thrown back into the painful apprehension that I might not be good enough for this family, or on my worst days, not good enough to be my mother's daughter.

I was just beginning to get a ring tan when I had to abandon my wedding ring in the pocket of my wife's orange backpack. Actually, I had forgotten to remove it before my parents picked me up from the airport. Good thing I noticed and slipped it off my finger before any awkward conversations arose.

If it went differently I would make up some story about a 'friendship' ring or something and how it was very 'in' to signify friendships because good friends were so hard to come by these days. I will definitely use the word 同学 [classmate] because it's the most innocent unsexualized and common relationship a Chinese girl could have. My strategy would be to make the story seem completely ordinary and easily forgettable. Hopefully, I didn't get carried away and let the story build too much, because I have enough trouble remembering all the truths in my life to remember lies masquerading as truths. That's just too much work.

Anyways, speaking of awkwardness, here are some moments on this trip leading up to awkward silence:

While fishing off the coast of British Columbia with my parents and their friends, my mom points at a boat passing by with two old men in it and says, "look at those two guys, they must be having fun". My dad retorts, "you never know, they might be gay or something". [My mom tries to make eye contact with me, but I pretend I didn't hear anything and look at the mountains instead]
[Insert awkward silence]

After dinner, my mom and I sat drinking tea and watching a new Chinese soap opera about a legendary imperial concubine who volunteered to marry the Mongolian emperor in order to stop a war. My mom says, "look at that girl, isn't she pretty?", referring to the lead actress. I reply, "yah, she's really pretty, flawless."
[My mom realizes that I might still be gay, and therefore might be sexualizing the actress]I continue to talk about how pretty the girl was while sexualizing her when I realize that my mom might have just realized what I could be doing.
[Insert awkward silence]

My mom was telling me how a Japanese man ruined my cousin's chances of getting married because she squandered her twenties waiting for him to return to Beijing. [Note: a women over 30 yrs is considered bad goods in China and seldom gets picked up by decent men thereafter] I comment on how women these days have more control over their lives and how they don't always have to choose marriage. I also go on to say, "who needs men anyways? Nobody."
[Insert awkward silence and judging stare]

I haven't had a chance to talk to my mom about my gayness mainly because my dad is here. Neither of us know him well enough to anticipate his reactions to having a lesbian daughter. But on the slight chance that he might disapprove, we'll be keeping it from him until I'm completely independent and he starts to wonder why his 32 year old daughter hasn't had a boyfriend in 8 years.

Btw, please feel free to post your own moments of awkward silence in the comments section. :)

Chinese Lesbians Takeover the Web!

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:54:00 +0000

Since the moment I came out of denial, I've been hoarding all information relating to Chinese lesbians. And since then, many people have found my resources useful, so below are the websites that have kept me relatively sane for the past 3 years.

Please note that some sites are in Chinese so if you need some help reading them, download and install the Chinese Popup Translator for Firefox called Chinese Pera-Kun here . It's been helping me absorb Chinese characters like someone who's actually serious about learning Chinese! *amazing*

If I Could Love you/Les经典文学 [Chinese]
This website has become my recent favorite and I visit it just about every day. It is an active collection of lesbian short stories written by their users. Even if you were a fluent reader, tt'll take many months to read through their archives. However, I must warn you that since homosexuality is still widely unaccepted in China, some of these stories are extremely depressing (e.g., Loving You Was My Mistake; Your Love, My Misery; Impossible Love). On the bright side, you can add your own (perhaps non-depressing) lesbian stories. This site also claims to be the largest Chinese Lala (slang for Lesbian) social networking site, although I haven't figured out how to access it yet (let me know if you find out how!). Another bonus is that the entire website is free. Hooray for generous lesbians!

Queer Asian Women Forum [English]
This is the newest and only (to my knowledge) forum catering to the Queer Asian Women community that is hosted in Toronto. Since it's brand spanking new, please register, spread the word, post, and be heard! I'll be posting with my alias Luxi.

Sayoni Website and Forum [English & Chinese]
Sayoni was the first lesbian forum I stumbled upon. Although most of the threads are no longer active, I still poured hours into reading about other people's experiences growing up and how they're dealing with their families. The sister website is much more active and has great articles.

Qiao Qiao's Blog/乔乔的博客 [Chinese]
If you haven't heard about Qiao Qiao [乔乔], then read this www.fridae.com/newsfeatures/article.php?articleid=1749&viewarticle=1 . When I heard about it, I almost jumped up and screamed (a big feat for a Chinese girl who's not supposed to show any emotions). She's the first out lesbian artist in China and she made her coming out statement by releasing a single called Love Doesn't Discriminate http://youtube.com/watch?v=0coMna8muZ0! Unfortunately, her blog is in Chinese, but Qiao Qiao and her girlfriend are both really hot so at least check out her photo album down on the left column.

Desiree Lim [English & Japanese]
You might have seen some of her films in Lesbian and Gay Film Festivals. Her movie Floored by Love is one of my favourite, it's funny and Malaysian, what more can you ask for? She first made it big with her made-for-tv feature called Sugar Sweet, a female Japanese porn director trying to make it big in the industry. Since then, she has made numerous shorts and documentaries, so be sure to look out for her name the next time you're planning a Queer movie night.

Fridae [English & Chinese]
My source for all news Gay and Asian. It also has a great City Guide section that lists Lesbian hot spots around the world. The main purpose for many visitors is actually it's online user profiles, however, a monthly fee is required.

Sleep

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 17:29:00 +0000

Sleep is a sure way to get away from anything.

When you close your eyes and turn off your conscious mind, nothing can touch you. This is how I get away from it all; how I escape responsibility and the stress of dealing with my family and with myself. I've been doing it since the first time I used a knife to cut an orange and accidentally cut my finger instead; I was 5.

Now, I'm a sleep expert. I can turn off reality anytime I want and sometimes I can't even control it.

One mid-afternoon, I painfully slapped my leg repeatedly to keep from falling asleep at the wheel. In grade 11, I would fall asleep in the middle of private tutoring sessions. My classes didn't stand a chance. The instant I decided something was boring, sleep crept into the room. I'm even writing this note in an effort to stay awake.

But I don't want to sleep anymore, I want to get things done.

My first instinct to all my problems is not to deal with it. If I talked to someone about my issues then I didn't know where to start and if I started then I wouldn't know how to explain it. It's this cycle of frustration I try to avoid. But the problems never go away. It just keeps piling up like junk in an attic and until the ceiling caves in from the weight, I feel problem free.

Sleep is a sure way to die.

Travel Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:10:00 +0000

I've been working every weekend since February, so I'm finally getting to use those hard earned lieu days. In the next 7 weeks I will be traveling and this blog will be my travel journal.

In addition to sightseeing, I hope to do some drawing, writing, reading, and studying for my GMAT. And if it turns out that I did any of these things, my goals would have been accomplished. Since, you know, I am quite the slacker. 8)

Body of a Lesbian

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:03:00 +0000

Title: Body of a Lesbian. Drawn: February 26th, 2008. Tools: Wacom Intuos3 4x6 digital drawing.

Contrary to popular belief, not all lesbians are overweight bull dykes. There are those who are athletic, slim, and feminine. And yes, they are what some call 'lipstick' lesbians, but they're what I like to call 'hot'. I have to admit that these girly-lesbians are difficult to find or maybe they just look too 'straight'.

Since coming out onto the 'scene' I've learned a few tricks on how to tell if a girl is gay, well, at least interested in the same sex.

1. The 'Sisterhood' Nod
Imagine a girl in a supermarket. She's hot and could be your type. You make your way casually over to her in the breakfast aisle without looking too suspicious. Now here's the crucial part, as you reach over for a box of cereal, try and make eye contact. When the girl notices you, insert a subtle nod combined with scanning her up and down with your eyes. If done properly, it should imply that you like what you see and would probably like what's underneath too. And if she's gay and interested, then she should return with a similar look followed by a rather suggestive comment. If not, then she might look concerned, smile politely walk away. Either ways, there isn't much to lose, unless you hold your dignity at high value.

2. The Body Language
Personally, I don't think this one works at all, since some women just have the tendency to be touchy feely. But it's basically trying to be more 'physical' with your gestures. For example, touching her arm while laughing, grabbing their hands when showing awe or excitement, etc. Remember this is intended for 'naturally' occurring emotions. Spontaneously grabbing a random girl's hands in excitement isn't going to get you any where.

3. The Lesbian Porno
This one's intended for those who are curious about whether they or someone they know are gay. It was invented over a conversation I had with one of my straight girlfriends. You see, most women straight or curvy can find lesbian porno beautiful and even attractive (two or more sexy women pleasuring each other?, what's there not to like?) So if you're gay then you can imagine yourself in the porno and enjoying it, but if you're straight then thinking about the porno is as far as you want to go.

Sexual arousal is probably a deciding factor between gay and straight. But what's in a label anyway? Isn't everyone bi anyway?

Country Turned Me Gay?

noreply@blogger.com (Lu~Xi) — Mon, 05 May 2008 12:47:00 +0000

Those of you who know me might agree that I am an enigma of your imagination. An organic ever evolving squiggling mass that never seems to be in the same place for more than a few minutes. But for those who raised me, know that I was born rather 内向的 [inturned, withdrawn, introverted]. I guess 1984 was a relatively quiet year for China. The Great Leap Backward [大跃进], the Cultural Revolution [文化大革命], and even Mao [毛泽东] himself have passed. And in other parts of the world, Apple was making a bold move with the launch of the Macintosh, Brian Mulroney was winning landslide elections with the Conservative Party, and Vanessa Williams was giving back her crown after Penthouse made her the centerfold. Perhaps these three seemingly unrelated events conjured up what is to be me [露溪] along with my obsession with technology, distaste for the PC party, and my love for naked women.

Don't laugh now, because apparently random experiences was all I needed to turn gay. At least, in my mother's mind. As far as she's concerned, letting my grandma raise me in the rural suburbs of Shanghai from age 1.5 to 3.5 was the biggest mistake of her life. In those two years, I was raised like a farm boy, I played with dirty boys on the dirty streets, dressed only in my dirty shorts and tank , and mouthed off everybody with my dirty mouth in fluent Shanghainese slang. Of course after my return to Beijing, my mother went to work immediately. She tried to offset the effects of rural life by dressing me in frilly anythings, patting me down with makeup, and securing my hair behind my ears with a variety of head pieces. But we all know how that turned out; it was no use, the damage was done, country turned me gay.

I guess my mother's work didn't all go to waste. I liked the attention I got when I wore dresses and I probably applied that principle to my first date. I also did become quite fond of girly clothes and accessories, especially when it's on a hot girl. Come to think of it, it would be my grandma that made me gay and my mother that tweaked my taste for femme girls.