Diary of a Church Girl

THE POWER OF THE DROP

2013-11-19T08:15:00.006-08:00

Have you ever been dropped , dumped , fired , passed up, and at that moment felt like the world its self wasn't fair . recently dumped by my Husband who has moved on gracefully, at one point I felt I could not in good faith face the world.
I was preaching and singing and once again this man has left me. and its been 8 months and papers are filed and i still can't answer the question so many people ask " with all the faith you have you could not make it work" now for those who know me know I gave well beyond the normal when it comes to making it work and with out dragging his name through the dirt because there is no glory in that, all I can say is it really got to the spot where i had to hear God's voice, and short he let me know that what ever happened he had my back.

In 2Samuel 4;4 it speaks about Jonathan's son Mephibosheth who when heard of the death of his grand father and father began to flee from jezsreel but in their haste his nurse grab him up but dropped him and he became crippled. he was 5years old at thee time . this text left me puzzled as to how he feel, if it was my grand daughter and i was holding her to run on my hip she would had landed on her feet she would have leaped out my arms but if held her close to my chest then in falling i would have landed on her and then we would have had a serious injury to my grand baby. at five he probably could have out ran the nurse at five the strength in his legs would have been strong enough to run on his on.
often times when we are defeated by the drop it is because we were held to close to the heart of someone else or something else and if we would have taking a few steps back to look at the full picture in stead of the close up view we had our eyes glued to we would have seen the danger or the warrens and would not have been tripped up in the first place. but because we were wrapped so tight and held so close we ended up up crippled by the hands of the very one that should have been helping us.

later on in scripture it says David remembers his promise to Jonathan and began to enquire if there is any one left from the house of Johnathan now because David's men did not want any one form souls family to take the throne every one of the descendants of Saul was killed but because this man was crippled and living in lodibar he was not considered a threat .
must people look at you and can only see you as being dropped, fired , let go passed by , overlooked, and feels you are not a threat . he is now a man and when David sends his men to get him and invites him to sit at the table mephibosheth calls himself a dog. he has lost all awareness to who he was and from where he came .
often time we only remember our life after the fall. we only recall the bad things that where spoken over us and forget that we are fearfully and wonderfully made in the likeness of god himself and just because we were found in the low place , it does not mean that Gd has forgotten about us.
the power of the drop was his crippled state kept he from being killed and because he was still alive he was given a place at the kings table for as long as the king reighed and a new home , I don't know

about yo but i thank god for the drop. although the pain was great and the healing process seemed slow in the end I can look back and say God had my back and I am now feasting at the kings table and the feat of the lord is going on and I say like the psalmist the lord is my Shepard I shall not want ,he makes me to Lay down in green pastures he leads me besides the still waters, he restores my soul i say he prepares a table before me in the very presence of my enemy . and even though i walk through the valley and the shadow of death , the death of friendships , relationships , jobs , finances i will fear not , for his is with he anointed my head with oil my cup runs over SURELY GOOD AND MERCY FOLLOWS ME AND SHALL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OD THE LORD FOREVER..

THAT BELOVED IS THE POWER OF THE DROP . BE HEALED BE BETTER BE BLESSED

https://www.createspace.com/3550359

2012-06-05T20:08:00.003-07:00

wow it has been hard

OWNING IT, I DID THIS

2012-04-27T14:51:00.000-07:00

This is a post I have been sitting on from the start of it all, how do I start well I have been married for 14 yrs and I guess the beginning of our relationship is a good bless to start.

we met in a church in CT I saw him messing with our drums and went over to him to find out if he had permission to touch our drums. according to him he noticed me as soon as I walked away, needless to say we were married six months later. I the curse of our dating I made huge mistakes. 1. I went against my leader and his leader. who warned us both that we should not be together. he left me after his Pastor said we did not belong together I well never forget it, it was Easter morning when he told me . I cried and worked my web the following week he was back, a few weeks later itr was more than evident the my pastor did not care for it either, but because I was so bullheaded he let me make my own dission and said if i say now you will do it anyway . the truth is I wanted him to say no. but I knew I had to be the one to end it but pride would not let me. 2 i moved him in my house before marriage, yep I did that, at the time I told myself that it was because his mom put him out but I knew it was wrong. I was a single parent and I should not have brought a man in my house, and thinking I could handle it without sex was STUPID so now here I was living in sin and preaching well carrying the title preacher because my pastor had me on lock down.

so I thought I would do God a favor and get married. instead of disciplining my flesh and emotions less than a month later the drama begin we have to move and and when I see he is not helping we began to fight and in our arguing he makes the statement I only married you because I knew you would not have sex anymore. from that day he has been trying to take those words back but the truth is I laid that path down . 3 I did not listen to God the day of my wedding as i stood in a empty church four guys and a bride in a broom skirt and tee shirt he was crying and to this day I believe it was for the same reason I was standing there like a deer caught in headlights I heard God say NO.

I have been reaping it for day one.

countless other women eviction he has walked out and even brought a ring for some one else over the years I have joined him in this game of tit for tat I have tried to be with other men to teach him the lesson of . see how it feels. but it only made me feel worst.

so after repenting and trying to make it work I have made up my mind this must end. as we face having to move again I will be moving on.

the fear of starting over has kepted me holding on but holding on has kept in depression, and pain of seeing the other women all who are church girls or girls that go to church. I have been without I had more money and peace when I was a single parent trusting God.

2009 he left and I took him back but in the time he was gone MY world was coming together, I was happy and working had to deal with his girlfriend at the time but God had my back in it all. but feeling like he left me for that,(pride) made me feel like I had to go back. she was not the one for him but neither was I , finally for the bast six month out of 14 yrs there has been no other women and he is determined to do whats right the past three months he has been working full-time.

We have talked about spiting in peace but he keeps coming back but I know I must go the pain of feeling like I have let my husband down, my church down, and my God down by leaving makes me want to walk away from it all. I don't know how to right this wrong I did, without feeling like I'm doing wrong. a prophet once said God said go and he will be your husbandman and at that time I questioned what she meant I even called her and wanted her to clear that up for me because I thought all was good at home. she would not, she actually rebuked me and said never do that again she said God and I knew what he was saying two days later all was reviled I did not go but now I know it will never get better until I let go each time we parted as much as it hurt he was better and I was better it was bitterness that kept me coming back feeling like the one who no one will pick. each time a new girl was in his life I felt like he was calling me ugly.

well I must do this to mentally get back, to spiritually get back and to be honest I'm tired. I realize that I may be single from here on end but I think I have learned to deal with being alone.

Happy New Year

2012-01-16T18:32:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to let you all know that we are very close to the book coming out. I know I have not been on for about six months, however the Lord has been Good to me.

I thought I would never be able to sing again ,but the Lord healed. doctors said I may have needed heart surgery and the lord healed .

I have been working hard so keep me in your prayers .

Why are you so angry.

2011-06-09T07:11:00.000-07:00

sometime ago we wrote a blog about how prayer became my trigger. today I want to teach about triggers and how we ca avoid the ill effects of them

I guess we can star with the definition of the word trigger.
Trigger: anything, as an act or event, that serves as a stimulus and initiates or precipitates a reaction or series of reactions. (http://dictionary.reference.com/)

it is amazing how the Aurthur of the definition first choice of words is Anything, for a trigger can come the form anything. It can be a song, a sent, a color. a certain phrase or saying and or a particular flavor almost anything can be a trigger.

as I study the workings of the brain and the way people think in my psychology class I learn that many factors play in the role on how one will responded to his or her trigger. here is an example of what I mean two girls raised by the same man this mans always wore the same Cologne. the man beats one girl all the time and rapes the other girl almost nightly . he is reported and locked up for both acts of abuse on thees girl . now as grown women when ever one daughter smells the sent of the fathers Cologne she becomes very violent and the other girls when ever she smells the sent becomes very afraid .Which girl has which response. you would think the one that is beaten is the violent one and the one that is raped is afraid. well it is toe reversed . see the one that was raped never fought back until she got up the nerve to report him to her this was her why of fighting back so now when the trigger of his sent is around she feels safety in the fight or anger. for the one who was beaten she always fought back with no avail, it was the marks on her body that caused her sister to report her dad so for the sister that was beaten when she smell the sent so was afraid that the dad was some how coming to beat her.
many of of us have triggers in our lives some not all bad. there could be a certain cake that triggers a memory of your mom or your grandma, a song that reminds you of your wedding day. so not all triggers or bad . but how do we avoid living in the trigger pulled moment.
when I look at the word trigger the gun is the first thing that comes into play . when I hold a gun in my hand if I want to use it I have to know all the workings of that gun where to put the bullets, what kinds of bullets are needed for that gun where the trigger is and how to hold the gun and pull the trigger to adequately hit my target. many time innocent people are killed by a stray bullet that went in the wrong direction or the aim was off by the one who pulled the trigger. there is a saying guns don't kill people people kill people. the truth of the matter is my gun can be filled with bullets but i I don't ever pulled the trigger no one will get hurt.
we react to things of our past and never realize that we are just pulling on triggers and we think that we are the only ones who feel the effects of that pull, believe the secret is still just our own.

it may be true that everyone may not know your story but it may not mean that they don't feel the effects of your pain lets look back at the two sisters know grown women with children of their own how do you think the raised their children .one who is violent at times and locks her self away feeling ashamed and dirty teaching them to always fight ,
another who is afraid and fearful. never disciplines her children. the children don't learn the story of the sisters until they themselves go to therapy and in a family session they learn the real reason why the are so angry .
I have learned to first identify the thing or the root of the thing that is causing me to hate. fight, distrust. etc..
then deal with the emotion. as it comes and then begin to practice a different response. writing .crying. walking it off. praying. what you choose remember this practice makes perfect.
be better , be healed be blessed

talk to yourself

2011-03-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

grace and peace

I know it's been awhile but so much is going on in my life I had to take the time to make it happen. while Friday, March 25,2011 I turned 44, and my husband put together a concert in my honor.
I received all types of gifts and so much love. as I went to sleep that even I dreamed about my son it was as if he just wanted to join in on the celebration.
I had a very blessed day . often time we wait until birthdays and special days to tell someone how much we care but we never take the time to tell our-self how we feel . there have been days in my life when I did not like me at all I felt as if no good could come from me and that I would only be average at best.

Then I began to learn the power of speech and action. I began to understand this power by a small act I would do in the mirror on some of my hard days I would give myself a speech and say today Mrs Jones you are the best. you are fine you look like a million bucks and when people see you today they will see a million bucks. and those days were mostly filled with great success . I say mostly because i had to work it after I spoke it. sometimes I had to go to the interview and remind myself to hold your head up remember million dollar baby. or if it was a day when the boss was trying to stop me, I had to speak talk about the great Idea a let them know how great my mind was, instead of sitting back and waiting, sometimes i had to buy the things needed to build the basket and just walk down the street til someone stopped and ask where did you get that. it was in those moments I saw things happen .
Today may not be you birthday or a special time in you life. you may not even have any thing special to do or anywhere special to go . but take take the time and tell yourself how special, and wonderful you are. tell yourself what you will accomplish and then move on it. push your self to greatness all you need is a push and the wind of God will guide you through.

THE WHOLE TRUTH

2011-02-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

I try not to preach a sermon on my blog but as I look back of the past post and see where the lord has brought me from, I can't help but tell him thank you.last week was a hard week for me but the lord brought me out. and the saints testimonies were uplifting . in the words of the mothers of old( I believe I'll run on to see what the end is going to be )
there was a woman with an issue, this issue of blood caused her to be an out cast broke and desperate. after years of trying to find help. years of not being able to hold a relationship , years of mothers pulling their children close to them as she walked by, years of being the talk around town, because she was considered unclean .
She decided to do the unthinkable. She went in the mist of the crowd ignoring the danger, the gossipers, she press through all of the blockage and touched the cleanest vessel, in all her uncleanliness she touched the messiah and her issue was dried up, but even in her healing she realized she had done the unthinkable by touching him so she was afraid when he asked who touched me , and yet even in her fear she had to confess it was I . because of this confession she was not only healed but she was made whole.
often times we walk in our healing but we have yet to be made whole. we jumps through hoops to get our healing from God but we never confess to him the pain we cause in our sickness, we place the blame on others and sometimes on God . and although God is a forgiving God we ourselves find it hard to forgive our own self. so then the enemy uses that inner guilt to keep us bound. Tell God all and be made WHOLE.

making room for the next stage of this ministry

2011-02-07T13:59:00.000-08:00

Let me first start by saying , I thank God for giving me the strength to go through all that I have been through , I know that Iam not alone. there as so many of you out there that have had your share of ups and downs, this is the reason I share theese events. so that we all can be overcomers.

I have so many testimonies of how the lord has delivered me and will continue to share them as the lord see fits.
soon the website will be availibe we will be moving from this site to the web site where you can purchas Cds and baskets and other items provide by myself and the ministry . there will also be a posting of my calender.
untill then . I will still be paosting on this blog.

thank you and God Bless

Can't shake this thought

2011-01-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

usually I write in this blog to help other today I write in hopes some on could help me . Let me make it plan. It is my pray that one day this will no longer be a issue for me . and let me further say that I am not that person who feel she has you do this for attention. that being said here is my challenge.

I'm battling the thought of Ivan's death I wish just telling myself that it was not my fault was enough but its like my mind has an time clock and some days around this time of the year I wake up thinking about what I could have done the night his uncle came to the house replays like a video stuck on replay. 1am Saturday 26,1991 a loud knock on the door I could hear someone calling my name but I heard gunshots at the same time so I did not answer the door , it was not uncommon to hear gunshots on my block and our house was a house people like to run through when being chased, I had just got in about 20 min prior so I assume who ever was at the door saw me a just wanted me to open the door . then about 20 min later the same voice came to the door again he was yelling my name I knew it was someone who needs me . my apartment was in the basement so I began to make my way up the stair I could hear that my dad got their before me . he stuttered when he was excited and when some one woke him up . I could hear him " wwwwwhat you do what" . the young man very excited and in tears just began to shout out words fire at the house and my mom is in the hospital and Ivan is dead. I was almost to the top of the steps and about to open the door that leads to the kitchen from the basement I stop held my hands in the praying position and said God please let me not have heard that right. then I ran to the front door . my dad was saying what did you say and by that time our eyes locked and he looked at me and said Ivan is gone . all I remember after that is screaming and my dad's voice saying to my mother. let her cry. the next thing I remember is getting in my car driving by the house where the fire was and then back to my friends house in hackensack and couldn't get back home someone had to drive me back and that's all I remember of that night ,

the next sence in my head, that I then turn on is how could I have changed it I always go back to the fist day in court . Ivan's dad had a restraining order put on me because I tried to beat him up in the church parking lot . the day of the fight a cop came to my house and said that I had to stay away form him and his girl friend till we went to court I said fine just let me go get my son , She then said until you go to court he has temporary custody of your son . the next day I went to social service to see what my chances of getting my son back were I only let him stay with him until we got a crib from his sister , so I thought. the worker told me being he had the job the judge would give him custody , now I know that was wrong but at the time I didn't know better, then i went to legal aid and thy couldn't help . Finlay I went to court and I didn't care about the restraining order so when that was done I waited for the judge to go into custody . but he just said next case. I held up my hand ask the judge what about my son and custody . he looked at me looked at the helper and said there is nothing in the paper work about custody , then his dad and his lawyer said something to the judge then the judge orders custody hearing date be set and temporary custody was granted till we returned back to court,. In my mind that was the turning point If I could have just taking the time to say that somebody lied to me I could take the just about the cop . how now I know was just a friend of his job and that Ivan's Dad was using his connections to take my son form me to keep from paying support, . but I didn't feel good enough about myself to speak up for my self . today is not the same as yesterdays Today I will speak up no matter what or who. I pray for the day that I can shake this feeling of what if, but until then . I can only say I've learned. and maybe thats all I needed to do.

A mother's Love

2011-01-03T15:09:00.000-08:00

Today is the birth date of my son Ivan Christopher Yshreal Pierce (Reeves) one who left this earth way to soon. I van was born weighing in at 9lb 13oz and he was a joy to be around. I was very active and moved very quickly to be a big boy. his smile was his ticket out of trouble and having his mommy's eyes all he had to do was blink twice and it was over. he lived with his dad for most of his short time on earth and I spent a great deal fight to bring him home.

When I think of my lost today I think of Mary who had to watch her son die on the cross and live with fact that he was gone, and although her birthing of this child was of a uncommon nature I'm sure her love was a any other mother . for some of us god has chosen us to live through the death of a child for some mothers and father they don't recover I'm grateful that through the years of crying and hiding that I have found the strength in God to live on.
today I want to talk to parents who take their children for granted. those how feel that they don't have time for their children those who forget to take the time to help them with their homework or tuck them in at night . love your child as if this is the last time you will see them you cam love them with out making them spoiled brats
a Child is a gift and today there are so many of thees special gifts left to defend them self's the need for Forster parents is so great due to the neglect of parents who didn't care enough. if you have the room in your home and your heart for a child like this call your local department of children and family services and find out how you can change the life of a child who is still alive and waiting to be love . having some one love us is something we all take for granted.lets make a difference in a child's life by fostering, adopting or mentoring
each year I set a life goal on his birthday today I started school on my second degree this time in a area that I can help other children and parents. do something great for your child or with your child and if you know a child in you area that needs some love take that child to a movie, arcade or just invite them for dinner.
For God so loved the world that he gave his son . let us show our love for his son by giving back that love
Be healed Be Better and Be Blessed

GOD HAS BEEN GOOD

2010-12-30T13:55:00.000-08:00

well the lord has been good to me this year and for this I am grateful.
Today I am working on all things that will yield the spirit of excellence for this on coming year . Lord I want to thank you for all you have done and brought me through, keeping my babies safe and for keeping my family together.
It is my desire to operate in that which you have called me to be . strengthen this body and mind I yield my time and my will to you use me as you feel fit . i speak and receive blessings over my life . I speak life to my prayer life my finances and my marriage i speak death to poverty a and depression, I speak life to the ministry you placed in my care and I speak death to the spirit of laziness and defeat .

THIS IS THE YEAR OF FULFILLMENT AND I WILL DO WHAT IS NECESSARY TO DO YOUR WILL. YOUR WILL NOT MINE NOT MY FELLOW MANS BUT YOURS ALONE . I WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED BY THE PLAN OF SATAN TO STOP ME . I WILL FINISH ALL THINGS ASSIGNED TO MY HANDS AND REMOVE MYSELF FORM THE THINGS THAT MEAN ME NO GOOD . THIS IS THE SEASON OF PRAYER FOR ME I WILL MAINTAIN THIS . I WILL OPERATE WITH OUT FEAR IN EVERY GIFT YOU HAVE PLACED WITH IN ME I WILL NOT STOP BASED OF THE OPINION OF OTHERS OR THE ROADBLOCKS OF LIFE . I WILL PERSEVERE AND ACHIEVE, THIS IS MY YEAR AND THE YEARS TO FOLLOW BECAUSE I SPEAK IT TO BE .

Gifted or cursed

2010-12-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

well I know it's been a while since my last post, but to be honest, have been shaking in my boots about this book, this blog, and this thing they call the anointing.
must people including myself sometimes see me as this anointed vessel of God and there are times when I think to myself it must be true often times I can't recall half of what I say or preach or even write often times I may have to listen to a CD go back to something I wrote just to hear what everyone else is talking about while I am in a flow wither it is preaching, teaching, or writing I just flow in my head I'm scared I'm saying the wrong thing orb not being clear. my nerves are in full blast and I cant wait to sit down . and only those who may type out a sermon for me see the real me . but thanks be to the grace and mercy of God none of this is noticeable while in flow .
I remember listening to a tape one time and this girl was preaching and I was in the car me and my friend and I was saying to her who is this beast she is preaching her head off . I kept on saying it as she was preaching. After awhile my friend knew I was serious and she just looked at me like I had two heads. just as she gave me that look I heard the preacher on the tape tune up and she squalled and it was at that moment I realized I was the girl on the tape . I had to pull over and cried it was the first time I heard myself preach and I had been preaching for about six years by then.
so I believe that I do carry an anointing the other thing is when some one is blessed or some life is changed by something I said IT SEEMS all hell breaks lose.
i have been in operations of my gifts from the age of seven it all started with singing and even as a child it seems like every time I minister my world gets interrupted . I didn't understand it as a child and I still don't all I know is two things the first is everyone seems to think it's partly large part, due to my anointing , the other thing is a fact I can't quit. sometimes when I'm in the mist of a spiritual battle. and I'm in a corner trying to figure out why is this thing happening to me., I say to myself there is not this mush anointing in the world is it the gift or a curse. is god pleased or is he trying to tell me to stop.dose he love me ore hate me. (don't worry people I know the answer). but what I don't know is, how to manage these time of spiritual bullying?
how do I hold on when my hands are sweating? how do I see the bright side when there is mud in my eye? . how do I stand still when the rug is being pulled form under me? . well people of God if the devil was mad at me before he will bust a gasket in a minute .
Pastor Brown has been teaching on a series three parts so far I missed the 1st one but the saint has been catching me up and I see I need to get the CD , but part one is the language of the blessed pt2 the education of the blessed and pt3 the lifestyle of the blessed, pt4 we will hear on Sunday but in the teachings so far I have learned that this gift or anointing is not a curse and in my mouth is secret to the half the battle and in my experiences are the other half if I speak what is, for I am already,then it will be . and if i remember what he has already done then I smile in the fire for I know he will show up,
and my lifestyle should should reflect my speech , my speech is improved by furtherance of my education, it's amazing how as soon as you learn something and begin to but it to practice and you see or feel the results you almost instantly forget the old way, there is one aspect of my gift that I haven't even tapped into yet and I plan on going in . this is who I am and what is , is, and what will be, will be .God is not angry at me, he trust me enough to be quite. I can cry father ,father why have thou forsaken me and wallow in that or I can just bare this cross till I am released to rise and without fail no matter how hard it has been I always end up on the side of the blessed. why should this time be any different? i have watched silently as some of my fellow preachers have giving up and trunk their backs on God because they felt this same way and I want to encourage you if you are reading this to, speak the language of the blessed WE can't give up what has been giving to us for we were chosen for a reason the blessed realize that he will put no More on us than we can bare. if he is quite God just means you are on the right track. I don't always get it right away but thank God he understands that I am a visual learner and through it all he is just teaching me . so God help me to be better, be healed, and be Blessed
your servant '
Church girl

FOR MY HUSBAND

2010-12-16T16:00:00.000-08:00

this goes out to my husband of 13yrs Mr Arguster J Jones III although we never had the large wedding you and I had a grand o time. I look forward watching you fly. and reach that place where as you put it every thing in the room stops there is Greatness n you you are a great dad , a great drummer, and there has great times in our marriage. i honor you or all the love you have in your heart. thanks for it all.

you have taught me how to a wife how to look pass the actions of a person and find the root. our lives together played a huge part in my ministry . I know we will be friends for life.

my first true love ,

2010-12-07T18:52:00.000-08:00

The one thing I can recall about my first true love was the depth of our love for one another he didn't mind seeing me every day calling me every night we did not have to sin to enjoy one another company nether one of us came from rich homes and we both had duties that were required from us to help run our homes. he was a track star and a DJ work at BK, I was a church girl and a singer, I never went to his track meets and he seldom came to my singing event . but this gave us something to talk about when we got together. Butchie and Dina we where the bomb.
his family loved me and My family loved him. we were young and for me I was young and dumb not knowing what I had I wanted something more. so as I told you in my earlier post. I went for men who didn't treat me right and the ones who did I walked away from this guy just happened to come in my life at the start of when my family was falling apart I didn't have any children yet but I was on my way .
The day i left him he cried and I wanted to take it back but pride would not let me as soon as I saw his tears I knew his love for me was real. As any man that was hurt by a girl would do he moved on and right in my face he moved right across the street from me, now I was the one in tears the man I left him for left me and then the next on left me pregnant and not claiming his child but even though my ex was with another he came over at night and made sure I went to sleep because I had a hard time sleeping, he would gently rock me to sleep and when I went in labor he was right there at the hospital as long as he could before he had to meet his girlfriend . then he moved away, got married and had children, we keep in touch and have helped one another through some rough times ( as friends) when I think of this relationship I understand the love Christ has for us even though we leave him form time to time, he is always there for us when we need him . and for some your relationship with him is long over. You don't pray to him, no church , and the one you left him for has left you hanging . and your crying , left with a unclaimed seed . and Jesus is close by waiting to ease the pain waiting to going in the birthing room with you and claim that seed, that ministry, that gift , all you have to do is let him in. if you have turned from him, go back, repent he is waiting .
Be blessed, Be better, Be healed.
Church Girl,

LIFE BEYOND THE GRAVE,

2010-12-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

As I was listening to one of my peers one Sunday as He was bringing forth the word he said something that changed my life, ex specially as it pertains to the death of my son.
for years I spent countless days and sometime weeks every year around the same time January 3rd through February 2nd his birthday and the day I buried him, I would be so depressed and really did not want anyone to bother me this could be just the two days or the whole month.
I convinced myself that Ivan's death was my fault If I would have fought harder to get him back . If i wasn't on welfare if my lifestyle was greater , if I was prettier, this list of what if went on and on. the guilt was eating me alive on year I literally made my self sick.
after a while I decided the best thing to do it to take the dates and make them something positive I know he would not enjoy me making his birthday a day of pain and grief. so since his birthday was near the first of the year I derided to set life goals on this day so I started with the things that I beat myself over the head with getting off the system. going to college, starting a business and things like that. and if I failed at it at least I tried. then I realized that even thought it took some of the pain away I still some how was trying to do something that would make me feel better about the death of my son, trying to change everything I felt I did wrong .and the truth of the matter was no matter what I did, I still had the guilt eating at me although I did nothing to cause his death. and as time went by I soon realized that I was now trying to empress a ghost.

Til one day while in church Min Dwarell was preaching and he said something about being stuck in one moment , wow he did not have to go in into this long distortion it hit me almost instantly, girl you have to let go of this one moment of life there has been so much more to you than the death of your son, there has been so many great events that has accrued in you life than the day your son was buried, you have children that have graduated , you graduated you have change lives through the preaching of the gospel. your voice is on Cd's you have written things that have been published and and continue to evolve. you can choose to die stuck in this one moment that you can not change or you can strive to make moments everyday, you can choose to make a legacy or just die stuck in the moment of death . I decide to live.
Today you have been holding on to the death of a lived one, a parent that didn't show up , you may be stuck in that moment of rape, murder, or addiction whatever the moment may be . move form that moment . and live . Today I still miss my son and on his birthday I feel it but that me being human , I do not have the guilt choking me anymore so I take a day to reflect on the good things his smile, his energy and his Love for me and his siblings and I move on . Jesus went to the garden and asked God to take this cup and he got not answer . on the cross he ask why have thu forsaken me . then he moved on to the next then on his agenda he died and then he he got up . and like him I asked God why instead of three days it took me 19 long years but ,I GOT UP. there is life after the grave.
the grave holds on to the dead thing, we who are living drop off the dead cover it, and walk away . ashes to ashes dust to dust. then we take the memory and live with it we take the lessons left, and learn from it,and we live. Live today . LIVE
Be blessed,Be better, and Be healed.
Church Girl

LET GO, AND LET GOD. (or maybe next time )

2010-12-02T19:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Today I took some time to cuddle up on the couch and watch my favorite movie, Lady Sings the Blues, Staring Diana Ross and Billy D Williams , the story of Billie Holiday , If I didn't choose gospel the blues would have been my next choice.

the storyline is one that includes her struggle with drugs and it reminded me that there people in every church that deal with addictions and like Billie they do their best to hide it but after while it becomes very noticeable to all who come in contact with them. Now don't get me wrong we don't see people with the shakes from withdrawals or tracks in their arms . we are and I do realize that I used the term we , We do not use weed, heroine, dust or crack, but we do have things that we can't seem to shake lose things that no one knows what it is but can see there is something of SOMEONE that has a hold on us .
the Bible says God will not have no other gods before him or in his place.what is your addiction what takes the place of God in your life what is at the heart of the decisions you make? When you get to the place where you say to yourself if God comes right now I might not make it to heaven , what is it that has that kind of power over you ?

Well I know many of you may be saying I don't have that issue and that's fine, but for some of us our addictions or former addictions are the need to have someone in our lives no matter what the cost, for some It is the comfort of food , others have ways we self mutilate and self hate. nothing we do is good enough so we keep doing nothing , or keep doing something never doing anything at all. maybe your addiction is drugs smoking for some, hold on to your seats, it may be Church going somewhere that makes you feel good without doing the good that is taught . addicted to the hype of the holy dance in church and dancing around life after service . some may be addicted to laziness , anger,sadness . oh trust me it in the house , But thanks be to God who gives us the victory. but remember when he gives it you have to take in order to possess it .
in the movie she sang a song called Good morning heartache ,
good morning heart ache you old gloomy sight
good morning heart ache thought we said good bye last
i tossed and turn all night til it seemed you were gone
but here you are with dawn.
wished I'd forget you but your here to stay
seem you showed up when my love went away
now each start by saying to you
Good morning heart ache what's new

stop haunting me now , can't shake no how Just leave me alone I've got those Monday blues straight thru Sunday blues
\good morning heart ache here we go again good morning heart ache your the one who knew
might as well get use to you hanging around good morning heart sit down.
Now the problem is like the word of this song who some say she was singing about her need for a fix is we keep giving our addiction a welcome mat and comfortable seat to sit in we sit and have coffee with it and hug it in our night moments .( when we are in pain , hurting , insecure etc) instead of finding the strength of God to say Good bye .
Let us Be Blessed Be Better and Be Healed.
Church Girl

IS IT A SIN TO BE ME?

2010-11-30T16:14:00.000-08:00

One of the toughest subjects in the church to talk about is not homosexuality, not fornication and not even abuse the new taboo is depression ,

Many things can trigger debilitating depression.
Feelings of depression are caused by a chemical change that affects how the brain functions.
A normally functioning brain is a giant messaging system that controls everything from your heartbeat, to walking, to your emotions.
The brain is made up of billions of nerve cells, called neurons.
These neurons send and receive messages from the rest of your body, using brain chemicals, called neurotransmitters.
These brain chemicals—in varying amounts—are responsible for our emotional state. Depression happens when these chemical messages aren’t delivered correctly between brain cells, disrupting communication.
Think of a telephone: If your phone has a weak signal, you may not hear the person on the other end. Their communication is muted or unclear.1on1health.com

Many Christians think of it as a spiritual thing only I don't remove the taught that there is some spiritual factors to depression. the facts are that there is a medical reason for depression. and today I want to share my story and battles with depression, for you to feel sorry for me are for attention, trust me this one I would love to keep to myself. It's the reason why I haven't written all week, and part of the reason I missed my Sunday worship service, The is always speaking to me about overcoming this thorn .

As a child I hated when people would call me crazy, I would get fight mad and to this day I still hate it , one of the reasons is because I know there was something a little crazy about me, so I thought church people called it a spirit. some just called it something, (there is something about her I don't like) I staid to myself but yet I wanted to be around people. I laid around all the time feeling drained and lifeless some people just called it laziness.everything about life seemed to hard to reach so my mind would just turn off. this was the way I felt as a child of curse other children who detected there was a week spot pounced on it , this caused me to be a fighter, by the time I got to forth grade I was fighting allot,and when I would get home I would have to hear my mom tell me how bad she felt due to my behaviour and I wanted o change but did not know how by the time I was 12 Jesus was my answer. I gave my life to Christ with about 30 other of my friends at GHT . and things began to look better until I started dating. as young men begin to pick others over me I began to get very sad then very very sad sometimes it would take me a week to get out of my room with my music. but I thought this is life.as I got older and became a mother, and had to take care of my babies, I went back to the feelings I had as a young child that crazy feeling didn't want my kids to touch me but yet I wanted them to be there I must have drove them crazy. we talk about it now because I'm so mushy now and they have been trained through my madness not to hug. but the Lord has helped us adjust. as I grew in the ministry and had to deal more hands on with other people it wasn't hard to see I did not want to be bothered .and the only way I knew how to explain it was "I don't like people" will the saint could not understand why a minister who had to deal with people could not stand being around people they went in on me about this statement and I couldn't help it it was how I felt. after awhile it was called a spirit people did not want me to be around them . I would want to change but always felt out of place around people. wondering if they were talking about me, if they saw me for how I truly felt . and I began to pray with all my heart Lord change me, help me be normal, but it would only last a short time then I would go right back into my slump.One day I had not been sleeping for a few months I was mad at my child and my husband was out the door I didn't want to get out the bed comb my hair some day i didn't even want to bathe my daughter went to therapy for ADHDmeds I still have days that seem to sad to deal with but the lord has placed people in my life that I can call and say how I feel or they just know and they pull me out when I cant find the strength to pull myself. and today is better then want has been.
I tell this story because like cancer, high blood pressure and asthma depression is a sickness and if we ask the lord he can heal but if the systems remain get help from those he have anointed to do so you wont go to hell for seeing you doctor , depression is rapidity becoming a killer in our churches people were walking away form the faith turning away from god because they feel there is no help for the, we are loosing young and old alike to this illness it is a spiritual attack on the person not by the person

AND THE EARTH KEEPS SPINNING.

2010-11-22T16:07:00.000-08:00

The earth spins so fast that we can't feel it God and his excellent wisdom has made so that what we can't feel is not only keeping us stationed in our place in the universe it also allows us to stay planted on this earth, it keeps the seasons coming at the right time and it keeps the moon and sun in it's right place .
with out the spin we would be so off , better yet we would not be. we could not live with out the spin.

In the spirit there is a spin that unlike the earths spin we can feel the effects of it every now and then we call it heart ache, when our boyfriend , husbands , girlfriends, wives or even that best friend we did not want to let goof, up and suddenly leaves us hanging, and on top of that no one comes in to fill that void .
then we add to the spin by going out and finding something better often time find the same thing in a different face. we call the spinning poverty when we lose our jobs or can't find a job.we call the spinning despair when we feel life will get no better then this . and our emotions and reflections are off. and when we pray we spend more time tell god about something he already knows, as if he has no clue of our suffering.
but the spin is not as bad as it seems it has it's purpose .
I think of it like this , As a child I use to watch a show called wonder woman and like superman she was this regular and pretty woman in the service Diana prince but when there was trouble she became wonder woman .As she transformed into wonder women she would spin and when she was done spinning she would BE.
the first thing i would notice is that before she started to spin she would remove her glasses. while in the spin her old plan uniform would come off but yet she was never exposed or naked because while things were coming off thins were coming on her her rope, bangle that caused the bullets to bounce off her .
this is what the spin dose for us yes we lose somethings but while things are dropping off, God is corving us with stuff that seems like accessories to those who are looking but the reality is it stuff that ends up being a protection for us . so that man walked away God could have been saving you form a murderer or a rapist. so what you lost that job and the other job but now you walk away more than one skill. many times God is setting us up for supernatural blessing and we are still trying to remain Diana Prince , or Clark, when god is Make us wonder woman or superman.
The earth will keep spinning so just stretch out your arms and BE
BE BLESSED, BE HEALED AND BE BETTER

growing up means always having to say I'm sorry

2010-11-19T06:11:00.000-08:00

As you have read , there has been things that have happened to me that I wish never did, by people I thought would not have hurt me . but there have been some things I have done as well. so in my journey to change. I learned a valuable lesson , Sometimes you have to go back and ask for forgiveness and sometimes even when you think you are right. when we get angry, it's like a whirlwind and more than one person gets hurt in the process. or children our spouses friends and loved ones , all feel the effects of our angry and it is so important to take ownership .
one day I was all alone in my house and the lord began to show me something and what he showed me was not what i wanted to see. so as time went by the situation just as God had shown it came up. long story short and the end of it all my family was torn apart. and I was so angry I went off on everyone how sided with who I saw at the time my enemy. when my storm of anger was over. I not only lost my family but all of my friends in that area as well and really did not want to let no one else in . to this day some still don't believe I got my information from the lord showing me . and this is what hurt the most for we can believe God will tell only people who say they are the prophet but I have had the gift of prophecy as a small child and the gift of decrement and others but these gifts are for kingdom and not for me to obtain notoriety so I don't broadcast. buy wearing a title just do the work I say . anyway I found it hard to hear people say I was laying and the liars were said to have been telling the truth. now although I was right in what I saw the way I handle it was wrong so I had to go back to everyone I hurt and say sorry some said its OK I understand. some did not want to here it until years later and some relationships where never the same they remained but they were not the same . and most never said sorry to me . but this was the price I had to live with due to my REACTION.
we have to be mindful of our reactions to triggers, hurt, pain. disappointments for sometimes even when the other person is wrong it doesn't make you right and Mother Elise Brown taught me that it's not what people do to you that will keep you out of heaven but it's what you do to people .
so I encourage you today go back right some wrongs say I'm sorry ask for forgiveness .
Be blessed Be healed and Be Better,

DEAR DIARY/ TRUE STORY DON,T TRY THIS AT HOME

2010-11-16T15:56:00.000-08:00

IN THE YEAR 2001

I HAD JUST LOST MY MOM AND EVERYTHING ELSE MY LICENCE AND KIDS AND HUSBAND I WAS FEELING ALONE AND WORN OUT . ALL THAT DAY AFTER LEAVING COURT AND LOSING MY LICENCE AND MAKING A FOOL OUT MYSELF IN COURT BUY CRYING LIKE A BABY I, THOUGHT TO MYSELF I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE,
I WENT TO THE STORE ABOUT SIX TIME EACH TIME GETTING A SINGLE PACK OF SLEEP AID AT HOME I HAD MY MOMS OLD SLEEP MED, THAT NIGHT I MADE UP IN MY MIND THIS IS IT I'M DONE
I WROTE A LETTER TO MY CHILDREN ONE BY ONE AFTER EACH NOTE I TOOK A PACK OF PILLS ANDI CALL A FRIEND OF MINE HOW I KNEW WOULD NOT ANSWER THE PHONE.
THEN I WROTE ONE TO MY PASTOR TOOK MEDS CALLED THE SAME FRIEND,WROTE MY BEST FRIEND AT THE TIME TOOK MORE PILLS THEN MADE A CALL. THEN WROTE A LETTER TO GOD THAT WENT LIKE THIS.
DEAR GOD
I LOVE YOU
DO YOU LOVE ME
THE CHOSEN ONE
THEN I TOOK WHAT WAS LEFT OF THE PILLS I HAD LEFT CALLED MY FRIEND AND SAID IF HAD TO CALL SOMEONE WHO WOULD LET THEM KNOW I DID THIS.
IT WAS ABOUT 11:00PM AND AT 4AM I WAS UP FULL OF ENERGY MY HEART WAS RACING AND I COULD NOT GO BACK TO SLEEP. I WAS SO MAD . I SAID GOD WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME DIE.
I SAW MY LAST NOTE TO GOD THEN HEARD HIS VOICE SPEAK YOUR STILL HERE . HE SAID LET THIS BE THE LAST TIME YOU TRY THIS . THAT WAS MY LAST TIME I HAVE TRIED TO END MY LIFE THREE TIMES IN MY LIFE . ME THE SINGER THE PREACHER THE TOUGH ACTING ONE , THE GANG MEMBER THE DRUG DEALER'S GIRLFRIEND. THE ONE WHO WENT TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY WITHOUT FAIL. SOMETIMES I SAT IN CHURCH THINKING OF WAYS TO END MY LIFE.
NOW MANY SAY THAT GOD IS GETTING NO GLORY WHEN I TELL THIS STORY WELL THE LORD HAS RELEASED ME TWICE TO SHARE THIS TESTIMONY WHILE PREACHING AND EACH TIME AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE HAS COME TO ME AT THAT TIME TO SHARE THAT THEY WANTED TO END THERE LIFE THAT DAY OR SOON, AND THERE ARE SOME THAT CAME TO ME LATER. SO IT IS SAVING LIVES.
I ALWAYS TEACH AFTER TELLING THIS THAT EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMS GOD IS FAR FROM HE IS ALWAYS THERE JESUS HIMSELF HAD A MOMENT WHERE THE FATHER WAS SILENT AND DID NOT ANSWER . BUT HE HAD TO STILL CONTINUE ON TO BARE HIS CROSS. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN WE HAVE TO BARE OUR CROSS AND THERE ARE TIMES WE HAVE TO REAP WHAT WE HAVE SEWN BUT WE MUST UNDERSTAND IS GOD TRULY WILL NOT PUT NO MORE ON US THAN WE CAN BEAR.
THE PROF IS IN THE FACT THAT YOU ARE STILL HERE. AT ALONE SAYS HE STILL LOVES YOU AND HAVE USE FOR YOU TODAY MAY BE THE HARDEST DAY OF YOU LIFE BUT TOMORROW IT WILL ALL BE A TESTIMONY OF HOW YOU MADE IT OVER.
BE BLESSED, BE HEALED AND BE BETTER,

find a new place

2010-11-15T12:21:00.000-08:00

Don't laugh too hard when you read this .It was the same week of my son's death and I was in bed fellow used and fed up with church, one group I sung with had got together a took my son who was now gone for good and another church was telling me my son died because I didn't come to morning services, so I was not trying to go to no more churches I wanted to just sit at home, this was the thought that was running through my mind as I laid on the bed . RING, the phone rung and some guy on the other end said to me Rev Brown wants to know if you would join him in a rehearsal and possible join his group. know let me say this they had no idea I lost my son it was all over the news but due to court issues I guess my name wasn't mention at all so unless you knew me you would not even knew he was my son. but any way he asked me this question and poor thang he was not prepared for what happened next, all I can really remember saying was I just lost my son and your calling me about singing on some_ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ __choir you Church people get on my_ _ _ _ _ _ and when I say I went off I went so far off I had to repent for a week. he was saying I'm sorry about this honey I didn't know and he kept trying to apologize . finally I realized that my anger was being thrown on the wrong person and it was not this mans fault so I apologized for going off on him ,kindly told him I don't think i would be singing with no one else again, and Hung up.
A short time latter the phone rung again. I didn't want to answer it but I did.Hello may I speak to Dina , said this kind voice on the other end , This is she who is this, Rev Brown, ah crap I thought not I just cursed his friend out now he has the nerve to call, well he must have been ready for me he didn't even give me a chance to say much he went right in, I'm sorry about that my friend told me you lost your son. i would not have called you if i know and no one told me.OK but I don't what to sing anymore. and he said to me I'm Not concerned about that right now and he began to minister to hurting little girl on the phone he talked to the hurting mother, and to the dying soul that was on the phone . he pushed the singer to the side and just talked to me Helena the one no one ever talked to. needless to say I joined his group and from that day to this I have been in his ministry ,
Rev Franklin A Brown and Lady Tammy Brown has an awesome ministry . they specialize in rebuilding lives through love , and the word of God through this ministry I have become an Evangelist. a leader , and a college graduate. I dedicate this blog to them today. we should give honor to whom honor is due.
if you have great leaders, whether they are Pastors teachers mentors of just a friend honor them. Let them know how they have helped you in your life for sometimes they are just doing what the know to do and can't really tell if they have any effect at all. so let them know that their labor is not in vain.

DEATH BECOMES HER.

2010-11-13T14:58:00.000-08:00

Death has a way of changing your whole out look on life, Ivan my youngest son was a little ball of energy and even though I had to go 2 1/2 yrs of court visits and crying over him while on this earth . he still was loved as if he spent every day in our home. he had a big head huge hands knock knee and he had my eyes one with a black line that flow from his retina.
lactose intolerant and that was the beginning of my battle to keep him, he, like the rest of my babies had a hard time keep down the milk so they would throw up a lot . but other thought this was me not taking care of him be cause his bib would smell. water under the bridge now but at the time I wanted to well I'll let that thought go. fighting the courts on my own just lost me all visitation right . I never hit him just each time I went to court things got worst . the last time I went to court I had not clue why I had to go so I called his dad at his job (police station) where his sister worked as well .
I asked him why am I going to court he didn't fall I did do anything in the last visit why , the only thing I could remember at the time and still til this day is , he tried to kiss me and I told him I was no longer interested in him at all , that's was only thing that happen I was very careful with Ivan since I was now down to I visit every other week. He hung up the phone I called my sister/friend Regina and put her on a three way for I felt something crazy was up and I may need a witness . I had no Lawyer of my own . we made one call and his sister answered and called me names I called her names and she said just show up in court . that was it , giving where they worked I would not push it ,
got to court and there they had a petition with over 20 signatures say I called them over 40 times no matter what I said after that the judge would not believe me I was so angry the judge saw my anger and said ." supervised visits only must report to parole officer and the siblings must get a court order to visit.
I lost it in that court room and right in the court room the lord showed me that Ivan was going to die in his care. I looked at the grandmother at that time and right in the courtroom told her he is going to die in your care I still didn't know where they lived so i said I'm gonna follow you to your house, the judge had to have some one hold me in custody for 10min and gave me a warring . that was the day I almost lost my mind I went to one visit and couldn't do it any more I told my parole officer I have done no crime so I will not do this arrest me if you have to . she just looked at me and said " your not going to visit your son. I told her he didn't like it my children were sad about not being able to see him and I as his mother cant stand to see him cry when I leave him any more so No I give up tell his dad he wins,
I was Ivan One last time a year latter on his 3rd birthday It was on a Sunday and he and his father was coming out of church I followed him to his house, I said to myself I'm gonna beg this man to let me just sit her for a minute with him.
well God must not have wanted me to beg that day , a car pulled up and who ever it was they want to speak to his dad so his dad saw me and brought him over to my car and said I'll be right back, and although it was a short visit I still remember it to this day. He sat in the front seat with me hug my neck I had just got some Mac Donald's big mack and fries, his dad had a list of food that he could not eat but how could i say no to that face he bit into that hamburger like a champ. he saw his dad coming over so He push the sandwich to the side like he didn't have it and wiped his face jumped in my lap and said , " Can I come see shadee the name he called is sister a said ask you dad maybe he will let you. he asked his dad and he said no Ivan cried, he was just so sad I said just for a few minutes you can come with him, no he has to go somewhere. My being there was making him upset so i left 22 days latter Ivan was gone. his father was on life support and I was being told I couldn't even see my son's body . but God touched the heart of Mr Bragg's ( the funeral director) who was told he would have trouble with the law if he let me see him. well when he found out who this child's mother was not only did he let me come in to she my son before the services. he told that family after the wake that was set up like a wedding his family on one side and mine on another. I had to get a car form another funeral home to handle my programs and family but Braggs
Sometimes in our toughest moments is when we need to trust God the most. before Ivan's death singing was just something I was anointed to do after his death it became part of my worship, before his death love thy nab was just one of the commandments after his death It became a life style. some one said to me after my son died that god did this to get your attention because you had been missing morning service lol. she had no clue I was speaking at my dads prison every Sunday mornings for two hours. at the time I thought how could you say that to me and I even left that church after that statement . thinking I don't want to serve in a house that would believe such a thing. Today I find that maybe there is some truth in what she said . for I can truly say with out him dying. I would not have become the woman I am today . Ivan, Mommy misses you and loves you very much. thanks for the memories. I'll be caught up one day and we shall see each other again .

finding the right man after this

2010-11-12T06:03:00.000-08:00

well my last post was the start to a list of bad decision's . my whole out look on men at this point was don't trust no one but at the same time find the real deal I was dating some one at the time and he was one of the best things in my life. but I left him to afraid he would leave or something, to be honest I had no clue I just didn't want a man I really wanted in fear something bad would happen . so I went back to my ex the one who mom called me Dino and who treated girls like the next virgin he could break and since I was already on that list I now became the one he could have when ever. this behavior went on for years until I found a new way to feed this craziness . all the church people please leave the blog .
my next fix for this mindset was gay men . I know they would never lay with me but for some reason they loved me I became the ultimate fag hag and fell in love with a few but this was my type of love one that wasn't real to no one but me, it was easier for me to love some one I knew would never want me then for me to love some one that may love me and leave me or rape me later. then aids came in and after loosing a lot of my friends and seeing some get sick and getting tested myself . I had no other choice but to seek God . so I started dating the right type .(so i thought ) Lord send me a church guy . that was the end of my list . I was on my third child , had a one baby daddy that denied his child , one that use to beat me up but like my mom I thought I had to stay there till love changed him that did not happen but the lord did change him . but I was long gone by then. then there was the father of the fourth child cute fine tall nothing like I have been dating I met him in the church I and he saw me . I thought he has to be blind but then again I ask for a church boy. one night .I thought I was pregnant before we got together but he and I hooked up anyway. that night He left for work and I thought to myself wow someone like him likes me, we talked on the phone while He was at work about us being a couple he agreed I agreed all was well .then that next Tuesday after service. he called Me out side, meet me on the corner he said , I did, happy smiling. and he said don't tell any one we date.
he was ashamed of me so I said forget you I don't want no one who is ashamed of me. I put my head up and walked home. as soon as I got out of site I cried nine months later I realized I want pregnant when me and Mr I'm ashamed of you hooked up but in fact I got pregnant that one night I didn't even know where he lived. never forget that day in the hospital they handed me my son 10lbs I was waiting to see this dark brown beauty and wow very lite looking just like Mr I'm ashamed of you. ,"do you want to hold him" no I said all I could think was how do I tell him I decided , I had no choice .
we all sang together in a group and when some of the people from that group came to see me they know right away so I had to say something, well I thought this time he would be there, this dad will be there for us. NOT.
they had a meeting at the church they asked me question didn't you say we didn't know the father? Yes, How come you want to say he's the father now ? I had no clue till now . then it happen. one of them said how we know your not just after his money you some slut on welfare trying to get child support. I was shocked and embarrassed now I was ashamed of my own self. I just walk away saying it's OK we don't need him. after a few weeks he took responsibility, and buy the time he was five months he took him away. I would never know the real reason why .By his third Birthday he was dead from a fire that Brooke out in his dad's home.
so from this I learned never make a life plan based on your pain .sometimes women have kids based on a bad child hood or the lack of love from a parent sometimes we chose love one or mates based on what someone did to us or trying to find Mr right based on Mr wrong. Like me we can't always go back to say I'm sorry we cant always make it right . sometimes we just have to live with and grow form it .
today it has all worked for my good , some days are better than others but it all has been a lesson on life and trusting God . My Pastor teaches us never make a decision when your emotions or high weather sad or angry of even to happy. Seek God . see a therapist yes I said it you will not go to hell if you do. we go to the doctor when our bodies are sick sometimes our minds get sick as well.
Be Blessed, Be Healed and Be Better.

HOW PRAYER BECAME MY TRIGGER.

2010-11-11T10:28:00.000-08:00

One thing I remember in my house was the family prayer if my Dad was home we did not leave that house without going to the altar in our home . mmm our altar wast a buffet table with a runner on it a statue of Jesus head right hand up with two fingers up the back of it opened up inside was two small white candles and a bottle of oil never used not even sure they knew it was there.
it didn't matter who was there everybody had to come to the altar and pray. one day I had a problem with my gum there was a knot in my mouth it hurt while in prayer I used my tongue to massage it , well it must have look like i was making a face. The next thing I ember was my dad back slapping me saying something i couldn't hear him due to the ringing in my ear and the piercing pain in my butt from when it hit the corner of the table was he slapped me, needless to say the pain in my mouth was no longer a issue.

my mom softly said to me why did you make that face you know how your father is I opened my mouth to show her the abscess in my mouth she said why didn't just say that ,and risk getting slapped again for talking back I look at her with tears in my eyes and said I think my butt bone is broken , poor baby she said but we never got it checked i just dwelt with the pain for weeks . to this day I don't mind praying I just don't like people to ell me how to pray just let me pray my time with my god and when i don't know what to pray for the spirit will make intersession for me but this is not my trigger.
see my parents were sticklers for prayer.my father prayed not only in the house but he had the keys to church and would go to the church after leaving the house and pray there and if you went out with him you had to go too. but this same man who stayed at the altar had a secret.
I guess the day the secret got out was one night i was going to the bathroom and it was late i heard a lot of noise coming from downstairs as I was going up I could see cops flashing their lights my dad was on the porch talking to the cops, she is fine sir she just got a little up set and ran down the train tracks I looked at him like what you mean train tracks so i started yelling MOM MOM where are you the cops kept saying what upset her do you think she is trying to hurt herself no we just had a argument and she ran off . DING DING DING. the bells in my head rang off. my mom did not argue if you yelled at her she would just start crying and two, she never just walked away from my dad for fear he would slap her. so after hearing him say that I got quite and went in the door way to wait for her. a few minutes went by and she came back i notice she had wet herself she just went to her room the next day I heard a phrase that I began to hear anytime my sister got in trouble . she would say you know what I saw you better behave yourself. never thought nothing of til one day late at night we had just came form somewhere. and we were in the basement and my dad said anyone want pizza YES and I said can I go no no you stay here your sister is going don't want to bring all of you. well we waited and waited for what seemed to be forever. not even sure if we got the pizza . the next day was like any regular day went to school I was late as usual but before school way over my cu sin came to pick me up . whats wrong is my mother OK (she had a bad heart) I thought she had a heart attack or something.
when i got to the house I saw cops all over my front yard.I thought she died I ran and saw her sitting in the hallway I was confused did not even notice that my dad was in the back seat of the car.crying please forgive me . what happen where are you taking my dad whats going on my mind was like a storm everything was going through my mind somebody tell me something ! no one was talking they just let me go thru my fit. when I calmed down my cousin came to the basement and said has your dad ever tried to touch you? NO, well he commented incest with your sister never heard this word before so I said what do you mean? he then said he raped your sister. last night he took her to the church and had sex with her . she had been going thru this for a while and finally told me and i called the cops I couldn't believe it . My dad , the man I waited up for every night to get the candy bar out of he lunch bag, the man who gave me a rosary every month. the man who prayed everyday. Then it hit me how close it was to being me two weeks prior to this he did'nt give me a rosary but he gave me a off white bikini set and said you
from that moment my life changed.I was a wreck mentally . and my sister was gone they moved her out the home and I had to go to the prison to visit this monster I refused to go See him this made my mom sad so i went in but i had nothing to say. he had turned gray overnight but I thought to myself what ever scared him gray I hope is kicking his butt. I had to see this man but who was seeing my sister the pastors wife came over who was also my aunt and told her to get rid of her photos .I lost it right in that living room I told my mom and my aunt she was the victim as well how can you forgive this man and try to erase her what kind of god do you serve . my aunt said don't let that girl talk to you look that that's the problem with her you spoiled her my mom looked at me and said your right but i don't know what to do it hurts but i made a vow to this man for better or worst. I said just don't throw them away I take them and put them away she is still my sister and I have to think about her.I only saw her about three times in a 10yr span she was on drugs locked up, and had three boys. and the pain of me not being there for her cause me to wild out I wanted it to be me , to this day I have a problem when it come to to much out ward praying . people praying prying and praying with out no real deliverance. are we really seeking deliverance or do we want to be seen as one who can pray. today my prayers or mostly personal just me and God and after prayer I do spiritual homework assignment and work the things in me i just asked god to help me with . I have a issue with others who I see pray all the time and yet they are nasty and mean and in denial about their own nasty ways that everyone can see but them. don't get me wrong I know that deliverance comes differently for everyone. and I'm in prayer all the time about my issue with prayer. it is the one thing I still struggle with. we all have things in our past that or triggers that hold up our future, things are to painful to face,some brought on by others and some we brought on our selves. but to Trula be set free we have to face them and identify the things that set us off, shut us down or just causes us to frees, and then find a way with the help of God to move on the triggers will never go away but the effect can change. Be blessed Be Healed and Be Better.
THIS BLOG IS MY STORY AND MY SISTERS SO YOU MAY HAVE MORE THAN ONE POST TODAY FOR HER STORY

NAME CALLING

2010-11-09T07:38:00.000-08:00

Come here Dina, sit down Dina, Where is Dina? Dina is so ugly Dina is so fast and grown. these are just a few phrases I can remember that can attached when people called my name. the worst for me would be DINO , some people thought is was cute and some thought it was funny, for a young girl who had a hard to fit in, I just thought it was degrading . i can remember one day I was dating a young man in the church and everybody could not believe He choose me, I couldn't believe it myself and I called him but his mom answered the phone. "Hello" she said in a high pitched voice. I ask to speak to her son, who is this she said, Dina, I replied and she started laughing a yelling DINO'S on the phone then another voice in the background joined in Dino I'm on the other end its DINA DINA she gets on the phone still laughing I softly say its Dina not Dino she said I know Dino. he takes the phone and I can hear the smile on his face.You think that's funny? Yes come on they call you Dino all the time.
I was so hurt but I didn't say a word his mom and others continued to call me that until I left the church. Dino to me just made me feel like I was a dog,a pet.
Sometimes i would just sit and cry about this title I let people give me and the truth of the matter is Dina was not my name.my great grandma use to say to my mom, stop calling her that, her name is Helena not Dina there is enough Demons in the land.for years when asked whats your name? I would say Dina or Helena but every one calls me Dina. One day I was on a choir that I had been singing on for years and we had our annual choir anniversary event and this time under the alto section I saw my name Helena Pierce and as we had our dinner the person who put my real name in the book was asked a question. Who is Helena. we both laughed . they had no clue who I was. and the truth was at that time of my life neither did I .
I was always who are what ever people called me dirty,stinky, ugly, skinny, fast, grown, bad, stupid,sexy, Dina , or Dino.like a custom I wore these names.molding my self to fit each character til that day at the dinner when I realized my name is Helena the powerful one the one with the strong voice , the anointed one, beautiful one , the one who had charisma and pizazz I was not who they said I was I had the power to make this name great. today . in NJ I'm still Dina In NY I'm Jonzee in CT I'm Jame's wife. put no one calls me out my name God called me to greatness and when I walk this earth that's the name Satan hears .
we call people names sometime and we have no idea the impact it has on them sometimes we think it;s cute,funny or maybe we think we are doing the right thing ( that's the preacher right there) mean while they are not. I encourage you today don't let others name you Who does God say you are that's your name . and if your not sure remember your name is,child of the King you belong to the king and you my prince, my princess YOU are ROYALTY bring back power in his name but mantaining the strength on your own name