Diary of a Confused Spinster

Different

2011-09-29T15:21:00.001-07:00

I honestly have been trying to avoid writing anything outside articles. I have been thinking a lot about shutting down both blogs and re-evaluating why they are here in the first place. But many a times in the past two months I have found myself making mental blog posts of where I have been, what I have seen, experienced and learned.

The past two months have taught me to be more thankful to God and celebrate what true Faith in him has been about. The past months have also taught me that truly money isn’t everything. Just this week I realized that up until Sunday 25^th September 2011, my motive for having money or earning it was so that I had money. Period. Money wasn’t a tool it was a desire. And that realization shocked me and opened my eyes to see it as a tool. Managing money as a freelance journalist is easier than when I was employed. Discipline is required. And so far I applaud myself for my efforts.

I have grown in the past eight going on nine months now of freelance. I thank God as much as I can for showing me His purpose for my life. I take each day as a learning day and boy! The more I read, the more I interview people. And the more the interact with people whether it is on human rights issues, health, politics, economics, business, the more I realize how much I need to do as a journalist.

But the more I do what I love most the more I realize that I need to strike a balance in my life. Marriage has come to mind severally, so has children and a number has come to mind. Friendship means something new to me everyday, being there for my family and allowing them to be there for me is something I also learn everyday.

Life is more than just making money, striving to be wealthy. Life to me now is what I learn and experience everyday; the good and the bad.

Rip the Tourniquet off!!!

2011-08-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

I haven’t written in so long. I mean really written; meaning blogging regularly, compiling articles in two weeks. Two weeks is a long time for a writer to not have written anything. I have gone through a phase of self doubt. I was going through a leadership mentorship with my pastor. And I just realized how much I have no clue of who I really am.

Before I proceed I would suggest that you read these two books by Bill Hybels, Too Busy Not to Pray & Courageous Leadership. Don’t read like a churchy book. Just read and jot down notes one chapter at a time. Just let the content of each chapter simmer in your mind, before you begin the next chapter.

Back to what I was saying before; out of all the exercises that we were given one stood out the most. We were to list our formative experiences. These are the big events that defined your outlook on life. And boy! Oh! Boy! That was painful. Painful!!! The stinky, gangrenous wounds of my past emerged!

But ripping that single huge tourniquet off of that infected and pus filled wound of my past left me wailing like a child. My life has been wounded and driven by rage and pain. And once that realization dawned on me; I knew that a lot of my decisions were based on that. My life and desires were driven by the pain, anger, betrayal and inadequacies of the past.

And once that was stripped off, I have been feeling very bare. And lost and absolutely confused. Lost and confused because I am not quite sure whether certain things that I thought I was passionate about were legit or driven by rage.

It’s like going back to kindergarten as an adult; and learning the Alphabet again. But after a few days of thinking; I now realize that there is nothing wrong with going back to learn the Alphabet. Because this time round I understand the meaning of the Alphabet; things now make sense when I do them.

I now understand that in life, I have been told to do things but they never really made sense. And now they are beginning to make sense. I understand the power of reasoning. I understand the need to have a moment of silence each day to evaluate and examine my life. One day at a time.

Life is a skyscraper to infinity, instead of focusing on how to get to the next floor. I need to explore and enjoy the current floor that I am on. It is from the lessons of the current floor that I am on; that I will have the tools to tackle the next. I will only go up the floors when I am ready.

Ass Whopping from Grandma!

2011-08-01T14:48:00.000-07:00

http://globalpressinstitute.org/global-news/africa/kenya/kung-fu-grannies-combat-rape-kenya

Petri Dish or life?

2011-08-01T14:41:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days I have spent with people younger than me. Mostly in their early twenties; and it made me realize how much I have gone through. And how easy it is to dismiss and downplay the emotional and relational turmoil that these young adults were going through. I began to appreciate how far God has brought me in life.

And at the same time I realized how much we tend to be so obsessed with things that are of no value whatsoever. Here’s an example. I am not the kind of person who is completely obsessed with wearing the trendiest clothes, hairstyle and cell phone. I used to. It battered my esteem when my clothes weren’t like my friends. They were friends who were ‘with it’. I never had the cash to keep up with the trends.

In my early twenties clothes were a luxury. I just couldn’t afford it. It made me hate myself and I constantly felt ugly and out of place. I would panic about job interviews, because of clothes. I focused so much on the need to fix and piece together the external, yet my inside was rotting and decomposing.

My soul and spirit where decaying. I didn’t realize it. I was in pain, I was hurt and helpless. And that is what I saw in some of the young adults I interacted with. There is that constant juggle of a foggy reality, with pain, battered esteem, and trying to figure yourself out. The confusion and disillusion of job hunting, life seems to just cave in.

It’s funny that in life, you spend most of your life trying to figure yourself out. Every decade of your life is a point of reflection, celebration and figuring out more about yourself. It fascinates me that reading books, prayer and meditation and human interaction is how you discover who you are.

You’re like an experiment, like every day is a lab experiment that will reveal another hypothesis of who we are, what we are here for and what we are meant to do! Fascinating! Let’s see what the next ten years will reveal in the Petri dish of existence.

Broken but I am healed!

2011-07-27T15:56:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine once said that some people are so afraid of facing themselves, to the point that some people can’t look at themselves in all their glory, in a mirror.

We all live a life busy and eventful. But we never really want to face who we are. The past 2 to 3 months have been a learning curve. The last 3 weeks though I realized that something about me had died. I have been learning so much that made me realize how flawed I am as a human being. And the scariest part was realizing that I barely new myself.

After I shed off the false illusion I had of who I was. I have been stripped bare. And I am back at the teenage phase in my life. The ‘vulnerable, hurt and fighting to keep a dignity that is barely there’ phase. I am back to the elementary stage of my life. I am learning the ABCs of who I am and what it is I love.

However much I am leading a team and realizing that there is a need to build a value system. I first have to build my own value system. Now I understand the importance of silence and self reflection even deeper.

I am broken, but I feel restored. I feel like the larvae beginning to break into that butterfly. This is the cocoon phase before the beauty emerges.

It hurts to have your flawed character served back at you. And what is worse is that I have no idea on how to fix it. I don’t feel helpless. The interesting part of all of this is, by realizing I knew nothing. I feel free from condemnation! I tried to cheat myself and justify my decisions, but the truth is I am messed up, like we all are. And I need to get fixed.

No Energy

2011-07-26T16:28:00.001-07:00

Another day has come and gone. New and unusual occurrences, maybe not that unusual; but life came and thrusted experiences upon me and the day ended.

My brain is getting jiggy with it and isn’t quite settled. In other words I am typing away at the keyboard trying to figure out what to write about. And what do you know as I was typing a topic came to mind.

Yesterday my mentor asked me how I was doing. And I had just had a really awful day. I managed to complete my work on time. But I was just at the drawing board phase figuring out the cost vs. benefit of it all. And I was completely discouraged. And with that in mind I just grumbled and made an awful facial expression.

He just told me that I need to begin to look at things positively. If I can quote him, “There are a lot of great stuff happening around you.” I felt slightly guilty for feeling the way I did. It just made me feel like a whiner. Maybe I am on and off.

I am just tired on and off. I just loose the energy and drive to keep working!

Live! Don't Preach!

2011-07-22T14:43:00.001-07:00

The past ten weeks have been pretty interesting. I have been in the spotlight; rather I put myself in the spotlight of my life. If that makes sense; I hope it does. And I have constantly questioned my thoughts, my actions and my choices.

A wise friend of mine once said; “In Roysambu (an estate in the Kasarani Area of Nairobi) there is a popular saying, ‘don’t burden people with advice’.” I have been one to burden people with advice and chastise people harshly. I have been on the receiving end of it lately, and it really isn’t pretty.

One thing about being spiritual, religious or having a strong conviction about anything; is that we shove things down people’s throats! Believe you me, I have choked and gagged many a people!

If I am to use an analogy; it’s like being offered a plate of an unusual delicious cuisine. Instead of offering it to someone and asking them to taste it; you pin them down and shove food down their throats. They don’t enjoy what could have been an amazing and life changing meal. Instead they loathe the meal; you and may never ever eat it, or come close to the meal ever again.

I am learning that I need to learn to share my life and experience with people. Give them a taste and let them decide. Life is an experience. A constant evaluation of people’s experience to learn from, grow from or run away from; and I guess that is where I have derived my joys and sorrows.

Fascinating! Today while I was in the bus coming home, I kept a mental note of what I was going to write today. And at a certain point I stopped and retraced my steps in how I got to this thought process. And I was amazed that I could actually do that. I have constantly said that my memory has gone to the dogs; but I guess I just wasn’t aware that I was thinking at all.

I am more conscious of what I am doing now, what I am thinking. I am learning the power of silence and just cultivating the need to be aware of myself at all times. I still trip up and think after an act or statement. But I try to think before and retrace myself. And even debate within myself whether it was the right or moral thing to do.

In the process of conscious thinking I realized today that I am generally indisciplined in every single area of my life. The inconsistent blogging should have set alarms off. But noooo sir! It didn’t!

After reading books that highlight the importance of planning and setting goals for my life, I still did nothing. Today I just realized how lazy, dangerous and apathetic a life I was leading.

At some point I knew what my purpose in life was. And being a Christian you kind of realize that God’s purpose for your life is what counts most. And getting His directive is key.

I knew what I wanted spiritually and as a leader in the areas that I lead. But when it came to my career I was literally roaming around in the dark. With regard to health; I have a constant ideal Rose I have in mind. I start exercising mentally. I literally visualize myself exercising, I count the reps of each workout; as I stuff myself with that delicious plate of nice crispy fries and chicken with that nutritious salad and carbonated soda!

I just thought to myself today that ‘you know what Rose? You don’t need those annoying self help books, attend sermons or simply think positive. You need to discipline myself to act regularly.’ And after I am done with this, I am drafting up my goals in each section of my life, set targets, timelines and rewards.

Like one thing that I thought to myself, routine in itself isn’t boring. It’s doing it without being conscious of its effects that makes it boring. ;-) It’s called psyching yourself up! J

mum...

2011-07-20T13:21:00.003-07:00

I don’t have much to say today. I am glad on one hand that my research work for a travel grant application is bearing fruit. I didn’t realize how steady our current birth rate is in this country. Studies are stating that the current rate of birth will yield 1,000,000 new citizens a year in this country. That is a disaster waiting to happen.

Think about it, we have refugees flooding in their droves. Forget Kakuma and Dadaab, the ones who bribe their way into the country or are trafficked and live here illegally.

It is time that I left the city and went into other parts of this country to explore. It is amazing how different other areas of this country are. Nairobi is a bubble, a dream. The lives we lead are so foreign compared to our countrymen in rural and peri-urban areas!

But honestly, lately I have been thinking a lot about traveling to Dadaab, Somaliland, DRC, Europe. Just jump on a plane and explore. I feel captive in Nairobi, I want to fly and just Go! Go to where the story leads me.

And that is why I really want this travel grant! Like I said, today is a dry day to log about anything.

A standing ovation to our Men!

2011-07-19T14:42:00.000-07:00

Today I had a renewed appreciation for men. I read a certain commentary in a South African Publication. You can read it for yourself. http://mg.co.za/article/2011-06-04-sistas-wear-the-pants-in-kenya

And I watched ‘Hemotions” for the second time. And after the tongue lashing I have unleashed on and about men. I realized that it was time that I cut our men some slack. Living in the world that we are in; you can’t compare how much harder it is to be a man now, than just 20 years ago.

Many men have no male role models to guide them on their way. Fathers physically there but absent emotionally, others having never known their fathers, and yet others losing their fathers early in life. Broken marriages and homes; it is hard for both men and women to find themselves.

I am a women and I have no clue what it’s like to be a man. But as a human being, I now what it is like to constantly be bashed about everything and anything. And I know it is demoralizing and messes up with your self worth. I am not condoning bad behavior in men.

But what I am doing is applauding the men who against the amazing opposition they face from society still stand tall and take the God given responsibility as men. A standing ovation to you!

I just want to take time to appreciate the men in my life; an amazing father who was a role model, disciplinarian, I was his little princess. And it is through him I understood the role of a man as the provider, disciplinarian, confidant and mentor. I have brothers who have challenged me, put me in my place when I got big headed, loved me and protected me. My uncles who always made me laugh and treated me with love. And psychotic cousins who bullied me and were like brothers as well to me.

I have much to thank God and these men for, for being who they are despite the odds. My pastors, my friends who continue to seek God and learn to be Men; I applaud you and celebrate you this evening.

A curtsy and a standing ovation for soldering on! Because if it were not for the few good men; society would crumble without the support of the role of our amazing men! A salute to you all! And may God bless and honour your greatness, persistence and diligent works!

Powerful Re-discovery

2011-07-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

My life is taking a new turn. There are so many things that I am learning. Some have been obvious and forthright. But there is something about things being in your face all the time. It is easy to get blinded by them.

We all know about discipline, we are quick to point out its absence in other people; and especially its absence in children and teens.

But how often do you openly admit it to yourself with regard to your waking schedule? How about with your deadlines at work, and your personal goals?

I had a dream yesterday that got me thinking when I woke up. I dreamt that I was in a field playing basketball with my peers. It was a dream that was set in my high school days. I used to play netball and not basketball in high school. It was still an engaging sport; no matter what you haters say. :P But this time the sport was different. I was more amazed at how alive I was in that dream. How energetic and enthusiastic I was. Maybe I was even smiling in my sleep (only God knows that for sure!) but I literally felt like I really was in that field playing. It felt great!

I have been thinking of getting back into sport, dancing and doing a refresher on music and playing instruments. I used to play the recorder. I feel as if my true essence is in re-engaging with the things I loved in my pre-teens and teens.

A friend of mine pointed out to me that the fact that I have been spending more time in prayer is causing me to begin to connect with part of me that was lost in the mess we call the rat race.

I honestly feel like a part of me that was lost is now coming back. I just need the courage to get started. And yes, the discipline to keep at it. I am more conscious and aware of myself; my flaws are becoming more pronounced to me. And I am more willing to correct them and also focus on building myself.

I like this life now than what it was before. One day at a time, one moment at a time I am growing to love and appreciate myself even more. And my self confidence has grown 1000 fold!

I am not my credentials!

2011-07-16T11:45:00.000-07:00

Today has been a sleepy day. I woke up to blog a bit then spend the next couple of hours in silence thinking some more before I sleep again.

I thought I knew myself but as the days go by I realize how fallible and inconsistent I am as a human being. And I am beginning to like the idea that I can never be perfect. It takes the pressure off of life. I am learning to take life les seriously and begin to enjoy every hour I am awake.

I think it was last week that I came across some material. And it required that I introduce myself without saying what I do. Ok, Smarty pants! If you think you can do it. Stop reading this right now and introduce yourself you’ll start with your name and then what? Isn’t that easy now is it?! Hehehehehehehe!

And I was kind of stuck in the introduction part. I am getting a hang of it now. But the whole theory behind that was to realize that you are more than your credentials. Your character alone is a great selling point. Like, “my name is Rose and I have a thunderous laughter. We should met up sometime and see how thunderous it can get!”

That way I am just learning to appreciate what else I have to offer as opposed to I am a writer; journalist, copywriter… approach to life.

I am also trying to loosen up and try out things that I haven’t done in a while like sing and dance. I need to stop talking about it and do something about it.

I don’t have much else to say really, just about to read more on Daadab. Here is a link I would like you all to read; http://www.voicesofafrica.info/720/emergency-appeal-for-dadaab-refugee-camp/.

If you can support the cause feel free to!

Reflections

2011-07-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

After having a nice long discussion on vulnerability and being honest with yourself. I started asking myself questions and retracing my steps back to the past couple of days. Am I really a good friend to people?

Am I being honest enough with everyone? Or am I just letting things slide because it is easier not to be emotionally engaged. I lied to myself yesterday. And it is bothering me. Lately I feel as if I have become weak and a wimp. It makes me squirm because I preach the need to be consistent in character.

I need to be honest with myself. Rose! Am I choosing the easy road out to make things comfortable for everyone (read; myself)? I am beginning to see a lot of compromise in me that is becoming unacceptable. And I am wondering why I am letting things slide.

It’s been gnawing at my soul all evening! I have been preaching about social conduct in this blog. But it is time that I put myself under the same harsh scrutiny. I have been doing a mental evaluation of all the people I call my friends. And I have really been asking myself if I have really been there for them when they need me the most. Have I given up my convenience to suit them on occasion as they do for me?

Do I value them enough to sit there and let them whine and vent. And just be there and not ponder on how best to rid them of their woes. And I am even thinking of really finding out what friendship is all about. For years my obsession was to excel in life. People were always secondary or even tertiary in the chain. Come 2006 I met two people who would change that forever. They taught me that friendship was about vulnerability, honesty, accountability and compromise.

Lately I’m finding it hard to hear and in some cases tell the truth. I just dismiss and move on. And I don’t know why. I never used to be this way. What has changed in me? I don’t know! But I sure will find out.

Deal, Heal and Thrive

2011-07-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

Today was absolutely awesome! I spent time with some of the most amazing and gifted people at I –group! Being able to learn and draw from each other’s experiences in life and grow from there is amazing!

The more I read, interact with people the more I learn and grow. And begin to apply things in my life. I look at who I was just three years ago. And I couldn’t have imagined that I would have overcome some of the hurdles that I have overcome.

I spent so much time judging myself by the way I looked because it’s what I felt I had the control to change. But the real problem was on the inside. I just couldn’t figure out how to get, the filthy personality inside of me, out. I was angry, foul mouthed, picked fights verbal and sometimes physical with absolute strangers. I felt out of control, lost. And the funny thing is as a child of God we have this illusion that once you get saved your life should be happy and cheery everyday. The truth is; that happiness and good cheer and most of all peace, comes when you begin to deal with your core. That is the power of transformation. You need to look into the depth of you and find what the core problem is. We are looking for meaning and purpose in life.

But before you get meaning of life; you need to be willing to look inside of you; deep inside. And find out what it is that really pains you and begin to make peace and heal. Because it is from the inner healing that everything else falls into place. The true journey of life is all about yielding to the truth. Only you know the truth that you are running away from.

For me it was a dark past…no! No one was buried because of me. But I was so hurt by occurrences in my past that I hurt people. If you find yourself in a certain cycle ask yourself where it is really coming from as opposed to acting out stuff. When I said that life is lived in silence; it is true. It’s in that moment of silence that you begin to find your way to the answers and ultimate freedom to your purpose.

This is Living!

2011-07-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

They lied to me! Everyone on TV, on radio and even in school; they lied, they all lied. They lied over and over again. My parents, my relatives, my siblings, my friends! They said that life was all about me. That I had to work hard and everything would fall in place. I needed great grades. I needed to be in the right place and ensure that I get noticed.

I should be able to sell myself, and my ideas and I did. But that didn’t work.

I looked beautiful and spoke articulately. That didn’t work. The lie lived on. The lie that life was all about me; that life was all about JUST doing your best, it’s not!

Life, my dear friends is about relationships. Everything in life is about people, the good and the bad. You want a job, you are launching a new drug trial, a new invention. You’re a journalist an entertainer. You need people to succeed. Life is about a willing heart to engage.

I realized that after reading three books. And the Bible; it was solidified for me. In order to thrive we need one another. You want to succeed in your career; you need to read and grasp and understand your market, product, service, company policy. That is all part and parcel of human interaction. You need a mentor for pointers on how to go up the rungs of your career. You need a human relationship.

You want to buy a car, a house, a bed, get your hair done, buy a newspaper, be served a cup of coffee without the waiter cursing you out and spitting in your cup; you need to relate positively. You want babies. You want to touched and held and appreciated! You need a relationship!

For so long I have said that I don’t envy anyone in the hospitality or service industry. But the truth is we all are. It’s just that some do it and get paid for it. But the truth of matter is every waking day is about relating to others. And that is the core of life. What makes life worth while is your choice of relations.

I am yet to get my head around this. God help me, because human beings cannot be trained like a dog. They have minds of their own; some that I feel like smashing in at times. But I sill need to engage with them.

I chose to live. And that means I chose to relate. The how; God will show me how, one step at a time! Welcome to real living!

Ssssh! I am trying to live here!

2011-07-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

There is nothing more unnerving than silence. The awkward silence in a conversation just before someone breaks unnerving news. The silence before a baby gasps for air and starts to cry at the top of its lungs at birth. And better yet; the silence you experience in your home when the lights go out. When the blanket of silence falls; all your guards fall. You become alone with yourself; left to face the truth.

There is a certain Chinese proverb that says that there are three reflections of a human. What you see, what others see and the truth. And the truth; the real you, the vulnerable and unsure person; that real person comes out in silence.

For so long I had a need to constantly work with music, listen to music on the go; the need to make noise or have movement. I knew I was hiding from myself. The world we live in makes it easier for us to live in noise and tune out the real us.

I found the real me; broken hurting and insecure in silence. It took a lot of time and fidgeting to find comfort in silence. I have more time to think, strategize and enjoy my own company. You can roam around asking yourself how to be rich and comfortable, get the adoration of others or even get some credit from your friends and family. But that will never come till you find and know yourself.

Honesty comes in silence. Truth comes in silence and great revelations come in silence. If you can take just 5 minutes out of your day to be in a place undisturbed and in utter silence with a note book. Jot all the things that come to your head. And one by one, moment by moment you will begin to see areas in your life that you need to work on and build. And slowly and surely you will begin to enjoy your own company and your life.

Interest Returns

2011-07-09T14:34:00.000-07:00

I stopped blogging on both my blogs for one reason. It became a duty and it was no longer enjoyable. And I felt that I needed to dedicate sufficient time to do it. But I was just reading a chapter in the Monk who sold his Ferrari and I thought; ‘wait a minute! I can dedicate 15 to 20 minutes of my day blogging!’ Why not do it now.

I want to challenge myself to dedicate 15 to 20 minutes each day making an entry in both my blogs. There is this one. And for those of you unaware of the other blog, here is the url http://afrosn.blogspot.com. You can check it out.

In the past two months I have read and I am a reading more books than I have in a single year.

And there is nothing more amazing than realizing how much we live in oblivion. Completely unaware of what we should know. Let me give you an example of something that I have learnt today. That fear is a mere creation of our own minds. If you take the example of a child; they normally learn and react to things from the adults. Children don’t have inhibitions; they are conditioned as they grow.

Think about it. Who told you math was hard? Maybe you even heard that before you joined school. You didn’t even know what it was. Till you joined school and was introduced to numbers and you panicked before you had barely begun. Your conditioning created fear. And you’re mind kept churning out thoughts just feeding on your fear. Look at yourself now. Look at the areas of your life….what really are you afraid of?

I feel challenged and intend to take up the challenge of facing my fears and doing what I seem to be afraid of.

I suggest that you read two books; The Monk who sold his Ferrari by Robin Sharma and Know Fear by

Ed Young Jr. I suggest that you have a journal to take notes as you read and just internalize what you read.

Reading is beginning to open me up to what I initially perceived as scary; to just learning more about myself. The more I read the more I realize I need to work more on bettering myself than running around with a flood light displaying other people’s inadequacies.

In summary; for those who have not kept track of my stories. I am glad to say that after just 4 months of kicking off as a freelance journalist. I have had 6 stories published in three publications and one being a cover story for a national Newspaper The Daily Nation. The link to this story is on the previous post.

Here is the full list of the stories! Happy reading!

http://www.globalpressinstitute.org/global-news/africa/kenya/professional-women-drive-booming-cosmetic-surgery-industry-kenya

http://globalpressinstitute.org/global-news/africa/kenya/victims-testify-about-rape-murder-kenya%E2%80%99s-post-independence-concentration-c

http://globalpressinstitute.org/global-news/africa/kenya/health-care-debate-rages-kenya-most-citizens-lack-access

http://globalpressinstitute.org/global-news/africa/kenya/strip-clubs-outpace-laws-kenya

Atrocity

2011-06-29T02:32:00.001-07:00

http://www.nation.co.ke/Features/DN2/Inside+Kenya+death+camps+/-/957860/1190612/-/eir2kc/-/index.html

The Slice: Solution or underlying Problem?

2011-06-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

http://www.globalpressinstitute.org/global-news/africa/kenya/professional-women-drive-booming-cosmetic-surgery-industry-kenya

Beware of Freeloaders

2011-06-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

Hello again good people! It is I once again! Pondering! I have pondered for so long and written many a blog entries in my head. I was just too lazy to actually type. Now before I catch up on what chapters you have missed in my life. I will start with the most recent events.

Rose went on a sort of, kind of date! And no, before you think this blog will be converted to the diary of a young and love struck couple think again… Now I won’t paint a Da Vinci kind of picture of my date. I will summarise it; Well?!!!

Yep! That was the summary. I want to be a Jesus person and edify people. I will restrain myself from hurting feelings any more than I did yesterday. Let your imagination run wild. I am not letting.

In other news I was having a chat with my cousin; cackling like mad women today about certain repetitive incidents in her friend’s life. Her friend has expensive taste. There is nothing wrong with that. It’s just that she keeps finding herself having dates with people who seem to see an invisible dollar sign on her forehead.

There is one incident where she had a date with a chump. The guy first shamelessly orders before his date arrives. The woman finds the guy stuffing his face with his meal. The lady orders her meal and they chat. Have a jolly good time. Then the bill shows up. Normally some people will allow that awkward feeling of whether to go dutch (split the bill) or one of them volunteers. Or in this case since it was a date and the dude set it up, he would pay the bill. But NOOOOOOO this ‘genius’ literally shoved the bill at his unsuspecting date. And the woman foots the bill.

Now if you are wooing me; logic dictates that if you choose a place that you can afford. If I insist on a place and you are not comfortable with say so. And the unspoken rule of meeting up with people is that each person pays their own bill. If it is a date in most cases the dude will pay. If the mamasita has expensive taste just tell her you can’t afford it. If she is uncomfortable with your joint after kindly expressing your financial constraints and she still insists. Ditch her!

In another incident that involved me and some friends. We discovered the impeccably dressed and chummy lass we would chat with; was actually a free loader. And this discovery came one fine lunch time. I offer to buy my pal lunch. And the common, freeloading, pal bumps into us and says she will join us. I remember saying out loud to my pal that I had some extra cash to spare and I wanted to treat her to lunch. Now we order lunch and chat.

And the malignant tumour aka the bill is brought. The freeloader didn’t even have the audacity to look at the bill. She just picked her teeth and acted blind. I paid the bill. I spared myself from yelling at her because after the day I had had; I would have stabbed her with the fork she used and the toothpick she was using.

And the moral of the story; next time you want to spend time with someone; anyone make sure you carry your own cash. Alternatively meet at a place that does not require you to spend a cent. Catch my drift!

It's NOT about YOU!

2011-06-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

The past week was pretty eventful. I met the most amazing individuals. But one stood out the most; a 26 year old Sri Lankan who is bringing peace and reconciliation to his country. A Christian minority bringing the majority Buddhist, Hindu and Muslim population together; after 30 years of conflict this young man is restoring hope and unifying his country. Check out www.srilankaunites.org. Amazing.

Today I met a really enthusiastic orphaned teen living alone in a slum. The child fends for himself by fetching water after school for his neighbours. Some pastors are sponsoring his education. He doesn’t have a family and is a rehabilitated street kid. Amazing.

I have heard so many amazing stories of young people who are living lives of purpose. It just slaps you in the face that those of us in our mid twenties to mid thirties are spending more time worrying about living an exotic life. And whining about the hindrances, yet maybe what we should do is focus on using the resources that we have in hand to support the generation after ours.

There was a very long period in my life, not long ago, that I wondered what in the world I was here for. Life made no sense. Every effort was futile. And I felt very helpless most of the time.

But one day after a First Year Experience class in campus and one word from a lecture I found out why I was on earth. It is the job of each generation to leave a legacy for the next, one of prosperity and posterity. My pal summed it up in one phrase that I love. ‘Our mortality gives us meaning.’

My pastors say this. If you are the solution; then what is the problem? We are here as a generation to resolve problems. The question begs, then what gifting do you have to solve the perceived problem? I guess that is what makes life exciting; the discovery of the answer to this question.

Life isn’t about you per se; life is about what you do for others. You are a means to an end. I guess when we begin to realize that the lives that we lead are for the global sake of others and not ourselves. That will be the fulfillment and satisfaction of life! I am here for you and you are here for me. I guess if we start living our lives selflessly we will begin to steer in the right direction as a nation, continent and the globe!

But it all starts with a personal understanding that life really…IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

To more Important Things

2011-06-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

This is week 13 of freelance. I am loving every bit of it. I have grown in more ways than one. There have been a number of bumps on the way. Annoying landlords, some disappointments on jobs here and there, but I am still standing.

I am fired up and ready to go. I realized that some entries back I mentioned that I would keep you all posted on what I was reading. I am still reading a book every week. I was reading a book called Racism in America; Opposing View points. The book touches on several things from education, wealth distribution, culture and other issues affecting races in America. Mostly minority races in America; from the Native Americans, Hispanics, African Americans and Asians.

Every chapter literally contains different topics. And each topic has several view points, each more convincing than the other. It is hard to tell whether one race brings problems on itself versus the state propagating the agenda of one race. It is the kind of read that jogs your mind. It makes you ask questions and you begin to contextualize it to the Kenyan setting.

After my trip to Isiolo which opened my eyes to divergent realities within the same borders. Kenyan Cushites have bore the brunt of so much alienation and mistreatment. It pains me. And what scares is that the more I dig up information, the more I realize that Kenya is made up of different worlds.

There is the cosmopolitan capital with several urban cultures. These cultures are completely surreal and only imaginative to people in the North of this country. We complain about traffic jams while others complain about not having any roads at all.

Living in Nairobi almost feels like a privilege once you have been to other parts of this country. I in tend to go back to Isiolo and hopefully all the way up to Moyale, Turkana and Mandera. In the mean time; you can read my latest piece. Feel free to comment. http://www.globalpressinstitute.org/global-news/africa/kenya/victims-testify-about-rape-murder-kenya%E2%80%99s-post-independence-concentration-c

I like Spinsterhood...The Reply

2011-05-31T13:11:00.000-07:00

One gentleman was bold enough to state his and many men's case. Here is his unadulterated response.

'This my take on that issue, i know that we were given a Stick on How the average Kenyan Man is when it Comes to Dating an Intelligent lady. First of all am Speaking for the Serious Guys Only. I Think that for us what we Fear the Most is REJECTION. That is Something that all Men whether Great and Small will tell you they Fear. I remember reading in one of the Daily papers of what Happened to Lord Egerton after the Lady of his Dreams had Rejected Him it tore him apart and he resigned to his fate despite that he would have married again. He spent the Last Few years of his Life in Solitude and in the Confines of his House.

Back to my topic, now for the average Guy wants that Special woman who is Intelligent, I believe that The APPROACH here is the Key, picture a tree that has Fruits and others that have Fallen down which i tend to Call'chips funga',others that are Hanging Loose may be 'one Night stands',and those ones that are on Top of the tree. We find that the Fruits that are on top of the Tree is what we want, Forget beuty of the looks that gets old with time but Beuty of the Brains that Dosen't get old.one that can only be Increased,renewed,expounded on improved and all,a woman who is intelligent that acts back or talks i dont see nothing wrong with that coz even average ladies have their own opinions. But am Picturing taking an intelligent woman to the House will she Conform,take her Position in the House,she might boss you around,her Knowledge might blind her,can she really be a Homemaker? and all these are the Questions that the average Guy asks,

1, Intelligent Women are known to be too Choosy, which is not a Bad thing but the Cluster of men who want these ladies are Few,for the average guy there is the Fear of Failure,and the Zeal to be successfull and move up the Social ladder. I believe it's how to express it that matters that the guy might fall short so the Aproach that is Diffrent with the average guy.

2,One is expected to be Firm and use a Persuasive tone. We all agree that not all of us can be orators like Barack obama,patrick Lumumba and all but i believe even the average guy shows tingles of Intelligence that the Lady should just give them the opportunity but these days even the Most intelligent are blinded by the Society and their Ego gets the Best of them.

3, Refined Humour, for the Kawaida dude humour is humour whether stale,bold you name it flattering and gifts arent taken by Intelligent women like average girls.coz all that may be Percieved wrongly but when an Average guy is trying to make a Sister Laugh he needs to be given the oppoturnity atleast let him be given a Chance.

4, Modesty and Humbleness here we find that the guy would be expected to be Modest and show it. And so it's not like we Lack in Maturity and Behaviour but the average guy just wants to be Himself.thats why they Rave alot,drink themselves silly,i guess it's not letting a stage pass you By. Thats why we do what we do. It's the Thrill of it.

Lastly we look for the Admiration and the Appriciation of the Learned Sisters. I also believe that the Intelligent Lady has her Fears and all.So the next time a guy pulls a fast one it shouldn't be taken the wrong way but let the brother be Understood. Bottom line we Fear Rejection, we are Still Learning how to express Ourselves. If a dude asks whether you single enough times he may probably be Looking for the Perfect opportunity.'

Well said Paul!

I like Spinsterhood

2011-05-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

This past week has been pretty interesting. For many reasons but more so for the fact that every man I seemed to have spoken to kept raising the ‘why don’t you have a man’ question.

A friend from primary school and I had a 3 day online chat, each day, picking up from where we left off. That concluded with ‘I intimidate men’. The fact that I have an opinion and I am not afraid to defend it, according to my friend, was how I intimidated men. That and also because I like to challenge and equally be challenged intellectually. I just call that being spineless.

If you are not able to stand up and defend your opinion intellectually then what are you left with? Another guy I met who was a potential source for a good story ended up using my contact details as a means of informing me that he was head over heels in love with me. LIES! How do you love someone you barely even know?

Then there was a friend of mine who told me that after a fellow journalist gave her details of a press conference, he expected her to give up the goods.

I have said it before in previous posts and as the days go by there I have a reason to continue thinking the same. What am I getting at? I think the average (not all) but the average Kenyan man is intellectually challenged and has absolutely no clue whatsoever on how to approach a woman. Staring at a woman suggestively is suitable when you are on K Street looking for a ‘fun time’. How about learning how to converse with a woman and take things slow.

I also would suggest that if you like a woman; tell her to her face from the get go. Some women may disagree with me, but I am not one who likes to play games. It is time wasting, and exhausting. Declare your intentions, if she doesn’t feel you, then kill it. Don’t act like you are 15 years old and you don’t have any clue of how to tell a woman you like her. That is in the context that you are meeting socially.

But when I am talking business and you barely know me and you fling you’re undying love for me, whether true or not. It is completely unprofessional. You may disagree with me. But if you are out there hoping to seduce me, do your homework. I am an unconventional woman, I am not afraid to express my opinion and I appreciate a man who appreciates himself. Insecurity is easy to sense. I also appreciate forwardness and honesty.

Case in point, a matatu tout in my neighbourhood questioned my sexual orientation. It was so random. I was reading a book in the matatu and he asked me, ‘are you straight?’ I was shocked and I burst out laughing. How retarded is that? I do talk to this guy on occasion.

I asked him why he asked me that. And he simply reasoned that he hadn’t seen me with a man. Wow! Shallow! I laughed. I find it fascinating that the sexual orientation of others becomes a personal concern because of your perceived limitation of their social interaction; of which you are not part of. I honestly find it fascinating!

All said and done; I may not be confused right now. But I chose to remain a spinster for now. There is no hurry and I have other areas of concern to focus on rather than another human being. And to sum it up; here is a toast to all the single and comfortable bachelors and spinsters.

Purpose defined

2011-05-28T07:58:00.001-07:00

I have been so focused on piecing my stories together that I completely forgot to blog the past couple of weeks. I am looking forward to being published next week. As usual I will post my stories on the blog. I will also post more pics from the trip as well.

I thank God! It has been 2 and a half months since I kicked off on my own as a freelance journalist. It hasn’t been easy, I will be honest. I have moments of despair and tears. Just trying to figure out what the hell I am meant to do. But I don’t have a single shred of regret.

With time and primarily the revelation of this Isiolo trip, I now know that my heart and whole being is in being a journalist. Copywriting is an ability I have. But not a passion, so I am definitely slowing down in that area.

I am broadening my spectrum of online sites to contribute to. I am working on the stories that I intend to pitch this weekend, so that come next week I can hit the ground running. Freelance really doesn’t give you the chance to be lax, especially now that I am trying to build my credibility. My byline needs to be all over the place. That way it will be easier for me to get referral jobs.

I have come to realize that I am passionate about conflict related issues. I would like to go to the heart of where conflict is on this continent and get both sides of the story. I do want to spend the rest of my life backpacking Africa and telling Africa’s untold stories. Stories that even the natives of the country haven’t heard themselves.

I believe that I have managed to do that with this story on Isiolo. I am working on another piece as well on that. I do hope to go back to Isiolo in the coming weeks, but this time in the interior areas, the bushes were there is nothing but Manyattas and vast land. I hope to also visit our military bases up in the North. I know that will require some formal requests with the Kenyan army. Heck I know I will do it; where there is a will there is a way right?

More on Isiolo

2011-05-28T07:56:00.001-07:00

I know quite a number of you have been asking me about Isiolo and I have given you knit picks of it. You will have to bear with me on the details, because those details are what you will read in my story.

But for the sake of those of you itching to the core, here is a quick feel of Isiolo. The temperature shuffles between sweating like a pig hot, and bearable warm. Isiolo is a conflict of two types of vegetation; dry and prickly and cool and hilly.

Isiolo is smack in the middle of the country. It is an area of conflict because the Somali, Borana, Turukani, Duji, Samburu lay claim to it and so do the Meru. These are historical messes really.

The truth is the Somali who were from Somaliland in the early 18^th century were awarded the land of Northern Kenya as a token for fighting alongside the British in the First World War. You know kind of the same way Queen Elizabeth decided to dish out Mt. Kilimanjaro as a gift.

Now here you have a situation where people were given land as a token of appreciation and the said, original inhabitants who grew up there. Then you have neighboring communities that had their politicians lay stake on the land. So you have communities with issues of boundaries living alongside each other in a thin balance.

What blew my mind in Isiolo was that people speak Swahili. I know it sounds so tourist like, but seriously. I expected to have to look for a translator on the trip. But alas they speak better Swahili than I do. Sidebar; I need a Swahili refresher course. Anyone feel inspired to teach me?