Diary of a Desperate Househusband*

HealthAngle Launches!

2008-04-22T21:36:00.007-04:00

HealthAngle -- www.healthangle.com -- has launched. The company's mission is to help patients, their families and their friends:

* Decrease stress associated with medical procedures
* Establish stronger connections between themselves and their medical caregivers
* Best navigate the healthcare system and maximize the quality of their results

HealthAngle’s core is a searchable database of first-person, professionally edited and physician-reviewed accounts of medical procedures. Prior to undergoing procedures, patients visit HealthAngle to learn about what to expect, get advice and connect with others who have gone through similar situations. A family member can also access information to share with a loved one to help manage health issues.

Check it out at www.healthangle.com

Act 7, Scene 1: “Magna Cum Loudly”

2008-02-25T15:51:00.002-05:00

TRL comes to a magnificent and overwhelming realization: because the boys turned four, he now has eight years of child-rearing experience. That’s double college time. From his four years of college, TRL’s knowledge gain can be distilled as such: women love sex but you need to be bold to find out, David Letterman while mind altered is as it should be, existentialism sucks, life is balance management, and life after college is indeed a downhill road (dips and rises, to be sure, but the long view shows sloping: kudos to college roommate for pointing this out with smug knowing upon graduation). Oh, and hope does indeed spring eternal.

Eight years of child rearing has yielded: never get in the way of a boy and his desire to pee, child care is 99 percent perspiration and 1 percent hyperventilation/indoctrination/salmon-swimming-upstream-in-support-of-the-next-generation/occasional-salvation/staring-at-the-TV-in-dead-tired-can’t-move-disbelief-at-the-depth-of-exhaustion-mental-and-physical-contemplation-of-your-body’s-ruination. Still, those kids are mighty cute, and they say the darndest things.

Act 6, Scene 12: "Little People Drinkies and Droll Conversation"

2008-02-25T13:46:00.004-05:00

C and E celebrated their fourth birthdays over the weekend. A blow out bash for 20 of their closest friends. Superhero Training Camp was the theme (Spiderman (C) and Superman (E) are the boys' alter egos these days (TRL is, predictably, Exhausted Man, with occasional Disgruntled Man making appearances. S is maintaining her Super Woman status)).

The kids filed into the party room, and before the real heart of the party could begin – superhero dancing lead by a party person/dance teacher – the kids had some time to burn. It was like cocktail hour before the host calls dinnertime. S had wisely distributed coloring pages and crayons on tables, and TRL observed some of the kids, including C and E, running around like mad. But a good portion had made right for the crayons, like a partyhound entering a room and making a beeline for the bar. And TRL realized: coloring is cocktails for the preschool set.

Act 6, Scene 11: “The Vagaries of Memory”

2008-02-18T16:25:00.002-05:00

It is said that a woman forgets the pain of childbirth – that the body is wired to not dwell on pain – so that she will get pregnant again. Instead, she has an emotional memory of holding her child for the first time, and lots of times to come. TRL senses that the opposite is true with four-year-olds. Because when people ask him how things are, how are the kids, his brain immediately dredges up C and E screaming and crying in the morning because they both want to sit at the same seat at the breakfast table. Or the “you are a bad daddy” that C shares when he doesn’t get something he wants. Or the timeouts, the timeouts for leaving a timeout, and then a timeout for the exact same infraction 15 minutes later. No wonder the criminal justice system is filled with repeat offenders.

But today TRL catches himself during his morning routine. Shaving, brushing teeth, getting ready for work. Because he is thinking about C & E, and can only focus on their bright smiles when they put on their brand new raincoats for the first time this morning. C has blue, E yellow. The have zippers, but also snaps to keep everything extra dry, and the boys insist on the full protection before walking with S out into the rain to go to daycare. They pose for a picture for S, and wrap their hands into each other’s, and smile proudly. It is that joy of expression, simple joy of ownership, pride at having a functional new thing, a smile for their mommy, holding each other’s hands, TRL stepping back so S could take the picture. This little nuclear family moment and the easy joy inherent in C and E’s happiness that TRL remembers this morning.

Act 6, Scene 10: “Your Little Boy”

2008-02-18T16:22:00.001-05:00

It is pouring out, and C and E and TRL gaze out the upstairs window, watching the thick lines of rain hit the trees and rooftops of neighboring buildings and the pavement below.

C turns to TRL. “Happy birthday,” says TRL. “My little boy is four.”

“Will I be your little boy when I am seven?” asks C.

“Yes.”

“Will I be your little boy when I am 20?”

“Yes, sweetheart. You will always be my little boy, no matter how old you are.”

C pauses. And then, “I love you, Daddy.”

Act 6, Scene 9: “Tastes Like… Ass Chicken”

2008-01-29T23:20:00.000-05:00

"Yum yum, you are so delicious, I need to eat you up," TRL says to C, and then begins to play bite him. C giggles.

"In fact, your butt is so delicious, I need to eat that, too."

"What does my butt taste like?" asks C.

TRL pauses. "Well, like chicken. Everything tastes like chicken. So what we have here..." TRL squeezes C's butt, "is ass chicken. Yum."

"Ass chicken, ass chicken," C gleefully sings.

E joins in, until a chorus of "Ass chicken" fills the living room.

Act 6, Scene 8: “Ouchy”

2008-01-29T23:19:00.001-05:00

E bounces off the bed and lands on his chin on the floor. Bleeding and bruising ensue, but no stitches.

C runs into Andrew J. during gym time at daycare, bleeding ensues. But no lasting harm.

TRL's muscles are tight and his brain is tired. He's only bleeding on the inside.

S falls on her face on the sidewalk between meetings at work, bleeding ensues. She is shaken and stirred, but cognitively understands she is not a martini, so no lasting damage.

Fortune cookie investment machine says: buy Band-Aid stock.

Act 6, Scene 7: “The Little Things Writ Large”

2008-01-16T08:39:00.000-05:00

E and C sit on the couch, reading. TRL finishes cleaning up breakfast.

E kicks C.

And kicks him again. C asks him to stop.

E kicks C.

TRL: “E! Stop kicking your brother.”

TRL returns to washing the dishes. C returns to reading a book.

TRL turns to see E's foot kicking again at his brother.

TRL is not a morning person. He doesn't want to be awake in the morning. If he has to be awake, he doesn't want to talk to anybody. He certainly doesn't want to have his blood pressure climbing as he washes the dishes in preparation to get the guys ready for the day in preparation to march them down the stairs in preparation to load them in the car in preparation to drive them to daycare in preparation to get them out of the car and into daycare and into their classrooms in preparation to driving back home to park the car to get on the T to walk to work to... begin the work day.

So TRL seizes E from over the couch, surprising him and lifting him into the air with one arm. E is then transported to a time-out on the stairs.

“You do not kick your brother, and you need to listen to me,” says TRL. He then walks away to finish the dishes as E wails in sorrow/anger/regret/merely pissed that he has a time-out.

Three minutes later, E is spoken to again about why he received the time-out, and he is repatriated with society.

TRL's morning is that much more unbalanced, but he does feel a small sense of pleasure at being able, still, to strike from on high and bring justice to an almost-four-year-old. Does TRL have a God complex? No, TRL is God.

Act 6, Scene 6: “Next to You”

2007-11-15T14:30:00.000-05:00

S drags TRL to The Police concert in NYC over the summer. Growing up, TRL liked The Police, but he has no great need to see geriatrics forcing themselves together for the sake of money and/or a last gasp at soaking up the glory of playing arena rock. Sting doesn’t hit the high notes, the band is serviceable but not fun, and the audience is TRL’s age, i.e., old. Still, S loved The Police as a teenager. So much so that she also got tickets for a later show in Boston. Her logic: there would be less pressure to have a great time in NYC if she knew she would be seeing The Police again, and thus with less pressure, she would actually have more fun.

TRL bows out of the second concert, and S goes with her mom.

“How was it?” TRL asks when she gets back.

“OK, I guess. Not great,” admits S.

But then S has another concert, and three’s a charm.

S is upstairs sitting in the big leather chair in C & E’s play area. Both boys are just out of the bath and in their pajamas, and they have climbed into S’s lap. In the boom box is a Police CD, and Sting’s crisp voice fills the room. S hugs the boys to her.

“This is the best Police concert,” she purrs.

Act 6, Scene 5: “Medical Dumpster Diving”

2007-11-12T16:02:00.000-05:00

TRL has a doctor’s appointment today. His left elbow has hurt since doing a yoga position two months ago. It has hurt before, on and off, but now it has been consistently on, the elbow and forearm hurting when he holds C or E, picks up a bag, or just opens a door. It is time to bring in the professionals.

C & E bounce around the examination room. They are all waiting for the doctor, and TRL reads them a Clifford story, attempts to test their reflexes with a rubber mallet to engage their interest, and takes their weight (31 and 33 pounds) and height (just shy of four feet). But the doctor is still not here. TRL bounces E on his knee, and turns to find C scurrying up a bright red garbage can marked BIOHAZARD.

“C, off,” TRL barks.

C shimmies down with a smile.

“Guys, let’s read some Maisy!”

TRL sits on the exam table, with C & E once again on his lap, and they read.

Still no doctor.

The boys slide off the exam table and now TRL, too, is fidgety. He turns around the room and there is E on top of the BIOHAZARD garbage can, diving into another, higher garbage can with medical waste – gowns and tissues coated in slimy stuff – poking out.

“Off,” screams TRL, and grabs E.

“Both of you, stand here,” he exclaims.

As C & E line up, TRL pumps a mound of antiseptic gel into his hand and wipes both boys up to the elbow. Some of the gel squirts off. The boys giggle, TRL is flummoxed. And the doctor finally walks in.

Both his boys are standing at attention, their sleeves rolled up to the elbows. There is a mound of antiseptic gel under them all. TRL smiles.

"Hi, doc."

Act 6, Scene 4: “Not Mutually Exclusive”

2007-11-09T17:16:00.001-05:00

TRL asks his friend why C & E pick this week of all weeks to pee in their pants twice (E), pee in their bed (E again), and take a crap in their underpants (C).

“Why, oh why when S is away for the week?” TRL questions.

“Ah, because S is away,” answers his friend.

It’s not the acts that bother him so much as the additional changing and laundry they necessitate. “This is a really bad use of time,” TRL lectures E as he changes his clothes again.

Plus C & E have been monsters the entire week, constantly fighting with each other and screaming and crying. TRL’s nerves are frazzled.

Is the peeing and pooping and overall bitchiness cosmic punishment for him, or merely the kids reacting to S being away? wonders TRL.

Act 6, Scene 3: “Stoned for Breakfast”

2007-11-08T09:51:00.001-05:00

TRL fed his kids peanut butter this morning, and he feels like a criminal.

S is off to Europe on business, and TRL is busy feeding C & E breakfast, packing their lunch for preschool, and doing his best to get his caffeine requirements satisfied. After C & E finish their yogurt and Rice Krispies, he asks if they are still hungry.

“Yes, daddy,” comes the reply.

TRL reaches for two spoons and the jar of Jiffy. A hunk of peanut butter is the perfect breakfast accompaniment: high in protein, tasty, and quickly delivered.

But then TRL feels like a bad man: peanut butter is banned in preschool. And TRL saw some warning signs over the food area: “Andrew can not have nuts: he is highly allergic.”

TRL knows that even a few molecules theoretically have the potential to set off a food allergy.

“Guys, come on over,” he says after C & E finish sucking the peanut butter from the spoons.

TRL washes their mouths and hands carefully, and then wipes off their shirts least any peanut butter has been smeared on it. He then gives them water to drink, to get the peanut butter smell off their breaths. It is now time to go to school.

Is TRL a criminal covering up his misdeeds? Or merely both under-cautious (he gave them peanut butter before preschool!) and over-cautious (he just gave them peanut butter). TRL sees the other parents throwing big rocks at his head, stoning him while chanting “Allergy exposure-er, allergy exposure-er.”

Act 6, Scene 2: “Crappy Copper”

2007-10-29T21:37:00.000-04:00

C or E is turning the toilets into Trevi Fountain.

TRL saw his toilet do something he has never seen a toilet do before: it bubbled. First, it clogged. But then it actually bubbled, large spheres of air rising from the depths like an office water cooler.

And when TRL was finished plunging, he saw in the finally clear bottom something brown and shiny. Normally not one to go after such things in a toilet, he knew what this was; the second copper penny settled onto the porcelain this week.

The main suspect was E, who had a coin obsession at the moment. Though maybe it was his brother taking away E’s treasure. C had been loudly and wildly jealous when E happened upon a penny at the Star Market the previous evening.

TRL tosses the penny in the garbage can: a penny saved is a penny earned, but this toilet penny was earned the hard way and now had to be set free least it spread some intestinal bacteria.

Act 6, Scene 1: “Remembrance of Things Past”

2007-10-21T21:25:00.001-04:00

TRL emails his old neighbor, the one across the street, the only one in the entire neighborhood with whom he had actually struck up a relationship. And the neighbor reports:

“The new neighbors are nice.”

TRL believes this is code for “boring.”

“They spend a ton of time outside with their kids and seem to have befriended the neighbors next to them with kids.”

TRL knows the next-door neighbors. Boring. So boring plus boring.

“They have a pool table”

No doubt for the basement, which they will call the rec room, decides TRL. The suburban cliché has resettled the house.

“and what seems like a lot of stuff...they had delivery pods in the driveway for a couple weeks.”

Over-materialized. And slow to stuff their house. The equivalent of shoving food down a goose to fatten its liver.

TRL grins in his fourth-floor brownstone home office, the sound of the T’s wheels braking below, and cars’ rubber eating the road. He feels like he just escaped the Turkish prison in Midnight Express.

Desperately Seeking Childcare

2007-10-18T13:09:00.000-04:00

The fastest route to child care
Variation on speed dating hooks up parents and sitters in minutes
By Ken Wilan, Globe Correspondent | October 6, 2007, The Boston Globe

(http://www.boston.com/yourlife/family/articles/2007/10/05/the_fastest_route_to_child_care/)

Lauren Kavanaugh, an attorney at Liberty Mutual in Boston, was out of the office and on a mission.

Kavanaugh, 38, had told colleagues, "I'm at a meeting." But what she was really doing at Red Sky Restaurant near Quincy Market, far from her Back Bay office, was meeting at five-minute intervals with a host of mostly younger women, getting to know them as quickly as possible to decide if she would call them later.

"I've had a very difficult time finding baby sitters," said Kavanaugh, who has a 1-year-old son. "It's a huge time suck, and my husband and I work full time."

So Kavanaugh joined 30 other parents and 40 baby sitters in a "Speedsitting" session, where a parent interviews a sitter for five minutes before moving on to the next sitter. The line of sitters and parents stretched along opposite sides of pushed-together tables running the length of the restaurant. During lunch hour, these parents, many with notepads in hand, grilled sitters and took names.

"What is the thing we can't supply parents right now?" asked Genevieve Thiers, CEO and founder of Sittercity .com, an online company that matches parents with baby sitters and was sponsoring the event. "We couldn't supply parents with face-to-face interaction." Speedsitting, she said, is "basically a speed date, but for parents and baby sitters."

Natalia Sarkisian, assistant professor of sociology at Boston College, said it should come as no surprise that such events are taking place. "Speed dating has created a fad - now it is speed-everything," she said.

The number of couples that both work and put a child in child care at an early age is increasing, said Fred Rothbaum, professor of child development at Tufts University and president of the Child & Family WebGuide, which screens parenting resources. The Speedsitting concept, Rothbaum said, is a natural extension of the Internet-fueled trend to deliver more information and goods faster.

"Given the time crunch, parents, and especially mothers, are trying to find top-quality child care and are trying to be more efficient and maximize their options. Parents want to survey as many child-care providers as possible to say, 'I have done my best,' " said Sarkisian. Speedsitting combines technology - the baby sitters are already registered on the sitter city.com database - with the no-tech approach.

"The benefit is face-to-face contact," said Anna Nivala, 31, of Somerville, holding 11-month-old Evie. "It's a first impression, and how do they look at my daughter?" Evie offered up bright smiles to just about everyone in the restaurant - baby sitters, bartenders, and a reporter included.

As the caregivers sipped baby-girl-pink nonalcoholic cocktails topped off with an orange wedge, parents shifted seats in five-minute spurts recalling musical chairs, in this case not wanting to be left out of finding the perfect sitter. Though there were more sitters than parents, competition for the best of the bunch can be stiff.

"It's supply and demand; there's more people looking for child care," and not necessarily a proportional rise in accessible child care out there, said Rothbaum.

"Once you find a good baby sitter, they're a very prized possession," said Scott Shannon, 48, who with his wife, Anne, was looking for a sitter for their 4-year-old son, Shane. "People don't share sitters, they don't want to lose them." And, he reasoned, the sitters at the event were the cream of the crop. Online, he said, sitters "don't always respond, or respond and say 'not interested.' Here, candidates are more mature and a lot more serious about being sitters or nannies. They're taking time out in their day" to be here.

The Shannons, of Dedham, were looking for a sitter because Scott was returning to the workforce as a construction project manager.

"He's currently a stay-at-home mom," said Anne, 45, who had taken the day off from work as director of energy programs at Quincy Community Action Programs to search for a sitter.

"Dad," Scott corrected.

Shannon was one of two fathers in a sea of mothers. The other was Malay Kundu, founder of StopLift Vision Systems in Bedford. He and his wife, who also works full time and had a full day of meetings, have a 4-year-old son and an 8-month-old daughter.

"With my long hours, I certainly contribute to the need for baby sitters," Kundu said.

Did it make him feel awkward that he was one of the few men at the event?

"I don't really care, I just need to get a baby sitter," he replied, echoing the sentiment of most parents at the event. He then darted to an empty seat across from a sitter to begin his next interview before he had to get back to work.

© Copyright 2007 The New York Times Company

How to select a caregiver
The Boston Globe, October 6, 2007
(http://www.boston.com/news/globe/living/articles/2007/10/06/how_to_select_a_caregiver/)

Speedsitting may be "good as a quick screening procedure, but you shouldn't hire someone on the spot based on five minutes," said Thierry Guedj, professor of psychology with a focus on work-life issues at Boston University. After the initial screen, invite a sitter to your house for at least an hour interview with both parents and the child, said Guedj.

Here are interviewing tips from Guedj:

During an interview, observe how a baby sitter or nanny watches your children. Some nannies are more concerned with days off than interacting with your child.
Listen for tone of voice, see how she reacts to your child: Is she reactive or nurturing? "Some are quick to raise their voice or quick to anger, or someone may be completely passive and don't see themselves as having a role in child care. You need somebody assertive and nurturing. Somebody who can help explain to your child what good behavior is. A good nanny, like a good parent, is able to reason with a child, explain things."
Don't worry so much about the caregiver's education. "I am skeptical about whether degrees are a good thing. Basic nurturing of children has less to do with education than with the way the kids are raised. If you are raised nurturing, you will tend to pass that on, and this is more important than degrees."
How to win over a sitter

"I'm not just going to sit for any family," said Jessica Bennett, 22, of Boston. "If I'm going to take on a job, chemistry is important. In a sense, you're screening parents," too.
Some suggestions from sitters for making a good impression:

"Ask questions in a more casual way, not an analyzing, non-trusting way," said Mona Simmons, 40, of Belmont.
Don't just ask questions, but also share information about yourself and your family, said Hillary Richard, 21, of Boston.
Look the sitter in the eyes. "Some moms treat you like a thing, not like a person," said Giane Marques, 37, of Malden. "They don't look you in the eyes."
Share your value system. A good sitter is assessing "if their care is in line with what you think," said Bennett. "Everyone has different philosophies for rewards and punishments, timeouts or taking toys away," she said, and it's important to know if the sitter and parent can support each other's values.

© Copyright 2007 The New York Times Company

Special Bulletin: We Moved!

2007-10-18T13:03:00.001-04:00

Desperate Househusband has escaped the suburbs!

Stop.

No more car culture.

Stop.

Lots of excitement.

Stop.

Kids and wife loving apartment-living, public transportation, fire engine sirens and semi-urban grit.

But not to worry. ... Desperate Househusband still desperate.

Act 5, Scene 8: “And We Really Liked the Ice Cream”

2007-07-16T14:33:00.000-04:00

TRL and S take the boys to Vermont to their friend’s farm. They visit the chicken coop to see where eggs (and the evening dinner) come from, look at the turkeys, walk right up to cows, feed the rainbow trout in the pond, pick strawberries from the garden, pet Jr. the black-nosed sheep, and go wading in the nearby lake. That’s all on the first day. TRL and S also take them to a farm museum, where they see old farm implements and visit milk cows in their milk pens, say hi to prize-winning horses, and see ice cream being made the old-fashioned way: vanilla, cream and sugar are dumped into a metal tub, it is sealed and covered with ice and salt and hand-cranked for 20 minutes in the shade of a 200-year-old maple tree next to the old ice house. The boys get to sample the result.

Back in the burbs, TRL asks: “Guys, what was your favorite part of the whole weekend?”

“Eating the ice cream,” they announce in unison.

Tepidly flavored marginally cold too-soft ice cream wins out over the Real Farm Experience.

“We should have just spread some manure on the driveway and then gone to Friendly’s,” TRL grunts to S.

Act 5, Scene 7: “An Act of Illusion”

2007-07-08T20:49:00.000-04:00

TRL walks into the kitchen. E is on the floor, pushing around some fallen Cheerios.

“Hey,” says TRL.

E looks up and smiles. Then picks up a Cheerio and slowly brings it towards his mouth.

“No,” says TRL firmly. “We don’t eat food off the floor. You know that.”

E looks up at TRL and then pops the cereal into his mouth.

TRL picks him up. “Spit it out,” he says. He inspects E’s mouth but the Cheerio is nowhere to be found.

“Did you just eat that after I said not to?”

“No.”

“I just saw you put the cereal in your mouth. I told you not to. Did you just put it in your mouth?”

“No,” insists E. And for a second, TRL believes him. He doubts himself, even though he saw E put it in his mouth. TRL learns something about magic right then, the power of suggestion, that insisting upon something both parties know is not true can sometimes, at least momentarily, make it true.

E learns a little something, too. About the consequences of lying.

“You have just earned a time out,” says TRL.

Act 5, Scene 6: “Lost”

2007-07-05T19:41:00.001-04:00

TRL wakes up, looks around and doesn’t know where he is. He is in a bed, but doesn’t know where. It is dark. Where is he?

He starts sweating and panicking. He lunges for a window and lifts the blinds. He still doesn’t know where he is. He sees another window and opens the blinds. It is dark outside. He is in a room. He grunts, terrified. He can’t seem to wake up, and he still is lost.

S opens her eyes. “What are you doing?”

TRL stumbles for a door, goes out into a hall. But what hall? He moves into a bathroom and flips on the light. He sees himself in a mirror. He is covered in sweat. He knows that it is himself staring back. But where is he?

In his bathroom, he slowly realizes. But then the realization flickers away and he panics again.

In his bathroom, he comes to realize once more. This time the understanding stays. He sweats profusely. He is shaking. What is wrong with him? Is this how someone with Alzheimer’s feels?

S walks in to go to the bathroom. “Are you OK?”

TRL grunts, now embarrassed that he was so confused. He feels vulnerable and frightened.

S goes back into their bedroom and TRL throws water onto his face. This was the first night back in their house since coming back from five days at the beach. It must have confused him, he tells himself. And while they were away, they had an offer on their house; they were moving. And the next day he had a job interview, an attempt to set his career straight.

All in all, TRL feels lost.

Act 5, Scene 5: “Tough Love”

2007-07-03T15:12:00.000-04:00

TRL and C get into a little fight. TRL has constructed a really cool fort out of pillows and a sheet. E crawls inside and happily reads in the Cave of Excitement and Solitude. And then C comes in, stands up and twirls around, ripping the sheet off in the process.

“C,” whines TRL. “You ruined it.”

E happily reads on.

TRL repositions the pillows and puts the sheet back over the fort.

And C darts in, stands up and ruins it.

“Not nice,” growls TRL. C just looks up, smiles, and twirls around. E continues to read happily. TRL stomps away in a huff. He then busies himself by making a snack for the boys.

“Guys, snack,” he calls, and they clatter into their seats. TRL kisses C on the forehead. “Can we be friends?” he asks.

C levels a thoughtful gaze at TRL.

“Be my Daddy,” he responds.

Act 5, Scene 4: “And It’s Cold, Too”

2007-07-02T12:25:00.000-04:00

The TRL family is at the beach, and C and E polish off ice cream cones after the long and sweaty work of building sand trenches, pits and mounds. To C and E, it is joyous beach fun. To TRL, who is the main earth mover and chief designer, it is the building of civilizations, the blooming of a grand vision of a better world, as well as the exercising of his suppressed-by-life God complex which held its full promise in his twenties. Plus it’s a damn fine work-out.

They are heading back to the house to shower, when C, who has finished his cone, turns to E, presenting him with an imaginary ice cream treat: “Would you like to try my ice cream? There’s no glass in it,” says C.

The ultimate product, guaranteeing something that everybody wants while implying that the competition may just have some unpleasantness waiting as a nasty surprise. It is the perfect product pitch.

Bloody tongues? Glass shards sticking out from your gums? Ben and Jerry’s, Haagen-Dazs, Ciao Bella. Fine ice cream, but no guarantees. C’s Ice Cream - There’s No Glass In It. Because it says so right in the name.

Act 5, Scene 3: “Death by Kid Party (Plus a Business Opportunity)”

2007-06-25T14:25:00.000-04:00

It’s time for more of the birthday party circuit, a trip to Noodle Noggin’ ‘N Bean. TRL leans against the birthday room wall, where every hour on the hour another joyous celebration cycles through. Fifteen minutes of arts and crafts which forces TRL to bend down to help C & E, TRL’s knees cracking and back hurting, glue rubbed on every garment and ultimately what is produced is a disfigured paper bag animal puppet that will last another 22 minutes before it is destroyed or forgotten. Then comes the cake, an over-the-top photo-realistic sugar bomb that will wire the kids for an hour-and-a-half and leave them angry sleepless shells by the time they are back home. Today’s cake eaters, tomorrow’s homeless junkies. After the cake, the ice cream and juice, because there just isn’t enough sugar in their systems yet.

TRL knows this is all well and good for C & E. They like the arts and crafts, and the cake, and the ice cream and juice. And they love running around like, well, the wired three-and-a-half year olds that they are, going from room to room riding the bikes and fishing in the wet room and playing doctor in the nursery and playing store clerk in the grocery room. It’s a rave for the young set. It’s just that it bores the hell out of TRL, and inevitably gives him a headache. Other men, mostly with paunches, also lean against the wall, looking glum.

“I hate this stuff, there’s nobody for me to talk to, it’s boring, and it’s a beautiful sunny day out today and we are cooped into a windowless box,” TRL moans to S.

“Then leave,” says S. “The kids really love it.”

Which is true. TRL leans deeper against the wall and imagines the party as he would like to see it.

Alterna-party One: Au Natural
No cake. No ice cream. And no bending over sticks and glue for TRL. A farmer comes in and brings out carrots, passing them around to the kiddies and adults. These are sweet and crunchy, beautifully orange-yellow, smooth and delicious. The farmer tells the kids how they were planted and cared for and harvested on the organic farm. Corn comes next. And then cherry tomatoes. Apples, pears and honeydew melon follow. Lunch has been addressed, as has an educational component. A donkey ride follows out back, along with lessons in animal husbandry. The kids have a good time, the adults are engaged, everybody has good food in their bellies, and TRL doesn’t hate life.

Alterna-party Two: It’s All About the Parents
The kids get the arts and crafts and the high-sucrose speedball delight in the guise of a cute-clever cake and frozen and liquid sugar-delivery devices. But the kids also get two high-school helpers to walk them through the arts and crafts project and serve them their snacks and play delightedly with them afterwards. And TRL gets a barcalounger, a Hooters-moonlighting waitress to serve up hot wings and a cocktail, and in-party video monitor at the chair (think first-class on Singapore Airlines). A massage follows and everybody leaves feeling very happy indeed.

Alterna-party Three: The Business Opportunity
The kids love parties at the party factories, but what about the oldster set, parents of adult children? The baby boomer is not getting any younger, and soon these imminently diapered and drooling martini swilling movers and shakers will be moving in their pants and shaking from Parkinson’s, sure, but they still need a place to party. Which has TRL believing they need their own Chuck E. Cheese’s. Something a bit more sophisticated, of course. More of a Charles F. Gouda, or a Charlie S. Brie. Perhaps a Charlemagne Le Chevrot Blanc for the sophisticated set. But a place where adults can drop off their parents, let them rock and roll for an hour or two, have a great time and meet with friends, celebrate those octogenarian birthdays, and get all tuckered out for nap time. Sweet, sweet nap time. TRL considers this his business plan. Interested investors please send checks.

Act 5, Scene 2: “Fudged Again”

2007-06-21T11:19:00.000-04:00

C and E bounce around their room, flinging stuffed animals.

“Guys, how about a book? How about the alligator book?” suggests TRL.

E stops for a moment and turns to TRL. “The alligator? The fucking alligator.”

TRL stares, at a temporary loss for words. His brain does a quick search for appropriate parental responses. He knows you want to discourage the use of the word, but by forbidding the use or registering heightened emotion the kid will be drawn to it like forbidding sex or liquor to teens.

‘Ding’ - TRL’s brain comes up with a response: “Ah, we don't say that word, we say ‘oh shucks’ instead,” says TRL. “Or ‘shoot.’”

“Oh shoot, the fucking alligator,” responds E.

Act 5, Scene 1: “Nice Aim! And Sorry About the Baby.”

2007-06-15T11:44:00.000-04:00

C nails a mom holding a baby. Picks up a basketball (mini-sized) at Gymboree, and lets it rip. The mother is not happy. Extremely not happy.

“C, you need to apologize,” says TRL.

“No.”

“C.”

“No.”

TRL sighs. The mother glares.

TRL tries a different tact. “C, why did you throw the ball?”

“I don’t want the baby here.”

TRL is secretly thrilled. It confirms that C was trying to hit the mom: C has great aim!

Both C and E have a thing about babies. E promises to put one in the oven should the opportunity arise.

“C, we don’t throw balls at people, especially babies.”

The mother stands glaring. TRL looks up. He is not happy that C threw the ball, but hey, they are at a place that encourages kids to throw balls. Basically the mother had walked into a war zone with a baby. Maybe she’s the one who’s been bad.

Act 4, Scene 20: “Lessons in Being a Man”

2007-04-27T17:57:00.001-04:00

Fried salami, strippers, and a marathon TV session of Cops and The Family Guy…

It's boys' night!

S is away on business, and it's time for TRL to let loose and begin teaching C and E the gentle arts of manly sloth. And what says lazy man better than parking in front of the TV with a mound of crispy meat? The meat has already been slaughtered, prepared and packaged. It just needs a little heat. And the TV practically drives itself.

For exercise, there is the promise of college-age strippers knocking on the front door. The boys love meeting new people, and so does TRL. A short walk to let them in, and dessert is here, boys.

TRL believes parenting is not only about the easy things – loving and playing with your child – but also about teaching. If we don’t educate the next generation, who will?