diary of a fat man-trying to escape

win some lose some

2007-11-04T04:26:00.000-08:00

I am still taking the wheatgrass but it is getting more and more difficult to stick to my good eating . it might have something to do with the fact that I have given up smoking- i stupidly started after a 15yr break. went to the doctors and was given some tablets to help- still smoked and felt bloody awful. so gave up the drugs and cigarettes. As a result I am hungry - but i wlll get over it
other news is that I had a decent win on the premium bonds. most of which will be reinvested but will keep #1500 spending.

annual diabeties check

2007-10-24T04:23:00.000-07:00

went along get myself checked out today
weight now 134 kilos 21 stone 1 lb 295lb blood pressure is 123/82 which is not bad but the lower figure needs to go down abit.
all in all I feel very good - the wheatgrass is sure helping and I feel happy

feeling good

2007-10-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

went into the loft today and realised that I have got a shirt fetish. found about 20 of them hidden in an old suitcase- shame they do not fit.
ran out of wheatgrass yesterday and realised that it does work- started to have hunger pains and felt like eating. something that I have not had for awhile.
now weigh in at 21.8lb or 302lb a loss of 35lb since my heaviest weight.
still on target for 20 stone by christmas- provided i stick to my walking and eating diet

yippee below 22 stone

2007-10-06T05:59:00.000-07:00

today I went out and bought some new weighting scales and now find that I am 22 stone 13 lb
which is 321lb a weight loss of 28 lb from my heaviest weight
and I feel really pleased with myself.
also had my job review yesterday and i am now confirmed in post.

in a good mood

2007-09-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

I feel really good today.
not sure what it is but who cares! maybe its the wheat grass or maybe its the walking or listening to tony robbins but what ever it is im glad.
weighed my self today and i am now 143.6kg 22 stone 8 lbs or 316lb and i feel great about it . long may it continue.

break fast get it!

2007-09-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I managed to fast for 36 hours, which was not bad, the wheat grass did certainly suppress my appetite and I am surprised i lasted so long. I am still taking the wheatgrass as it is helping me to reduce the amount that I am eating.
I feel in a good mood and I have been very active today - is this a result of the fast/wheatgrass? do not know but today I got up early, went shopping with the wife for two hours, came home and had poached mushrooms for breakfast, and an omelet for lunch. I then mowed both the from and back lawns, cleaned the house -well vacuumed it, and then made the beds and ironed clothes- quite an event for me. the wife said i should slow down.

new ideas - new ways?

2007-09-20T00:31:00.000-07:00

I have been listening to both anthohy robbins and erkhart tolle on the way to and from work. Interesting stuff. One of the things that Robbins said is to take ACTION so I have now been walking back and forth to work every day that I can, even bought myself a pedometer. I am slowly starting to feel the results of this exercixe, I walk along the CUT and do my breathing exercises - four breaths in through the nose and them four exhalations, whilst doing this i am tapping each finger in turn= I must look like a right plonker.
To further compound matters I sent off for some Wheatgrass- you may well ask- it is supposed to clense the system.
As of today I have decided to fast for 3/4 days drinking my wheat grass and see if I can detox.

Pissed off

2007-09-16T01:34:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last week trying to stick to a healthy regime, but when I weighted myself today, no change since the 8th. my response, to go and have a big breakfast at mcdonalds- sensible NOT.
still 145.9kg got my body fat % which is 44.1% body fat mass is 64.3 kg. where as the range should be between 19.8 and 28%
I have a choice, I can either still be the fat man, pissed off with his weight or i can do something about it.
so will continue to walk, take more exercise and what what i eat.
Have also decided to go on a detox. when i was listening to Tony Robbins it was saying that he recommends a wheat grass detox. which is supposed to revitalise you. - so thought i would give it a go and perhaps give my weight loss a boost. nothing ventured nothing gained.!

run rabbit run

2007-09-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

It is now thursday and i have been walking to work whenever i have had the chance, I ache a bit but I am feeling quite proud of myself. I plan to get up early tomorrow and walk to work - long may it last,
I spoke to an old friend today, someone who used to tease me she was great fun and when I spoke to her i realised that I feel happy, happy. i t is a long time since i felt like that

memo to self- change lifestyle.

2007-09-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

This last week has been interesting for me, there was a tube strike in London and I downloaded Tony Robbins -get the edge.
so there I was on train, listening to tony, when I got into Waterloo, tony was saying that I had to take action, so I did, I decided that I would walk (my god exercise!!!) to my office. This meant a marathon of 2 miles.
to my total surprise, i enjoyed it and indeed, walked back to the station at the end of the day, feeling really pleased with myself.
today I went to have my eyes tested and, as I thought, they would pick up on the diabetes, so the plus side is that the eye test was free. while I was there - it was in boots, i stepped on one of those all singing/all dancing weighing machines 50p to weigh yourself - it used to be 2p. anyway, the results are that I am 145.9kg or 22st 13lb height 1.79m -5'101/2 and my BM is 45.5
it must be that I am too short. if i was ten foot high i would be an ideal weight. however i am not and it said that my BM should be 18 to 25 and my weight 59 to 80 kilo so according to that i should be 65kilos lighter a weight loss of 1451b or ten stone.
so at my present weight loss about 145 weeks or 2.5 years
however, my goal is 280lb by 01/01/08, which means a loss of 41lb in 16/17 weeks. which is 2.4lb per week just over a kilo. shit I had better start this exercise bit in earnest

i want it now!!!!

2007-08-28T12:13:00.000-07:00

weight myself today still 23 stone so very little weight loss - need to do more exercise!

food feast

2007-08-27T14:58:00.000-07:00

Its now 11pm and I have been to a barbie, not the best place for me since I did overeat a bit. However, I did not drink and also did not return for seconds.
I enjoyed myself at this gathering, I fully engaged my brain and had a few interesting conversations with fellow participants. I still feel fat but not as bad as previously.
Today I went through my wardrobe and threw out quite a few clothes. they were not my fat clothes but ones that I felt make me look fat and that I do not wear. I found that quite empowering. Once i have lost a couple of stone, I will throw out some more.

Reflections

2007-08-27T03:37:00.000-07:00

When I started writing my on line blog I was in a very different place from today. I had been through a lot of things, depression, separation, guilt and many other emotions, linked to my addictions. today i feel grateful.
I am back with my wife and children, I have not gambled for more than 2 years and have left the stess of my old job and found one that I actually like. The salary is not fantastic but money is not everything. I am now helping people who have some of the problems that I had, and my experiences help me a great deal in helping. To know what it is like to be in debt, suffer from depression, feel usless and stupit, all helps me help others.
I have made a lot of progress in my self development, the main issue that I have left is my weight, and trying to understand why I still maintain this fat persona. I know that I have the personality to be liked by people, and that I can communicate

I can do it!

2007-08-26T02:02:00.000-07:00

Its sunday morning and Iv'e already done an hours gardening- god i hate it. still managing to eat senable. and starting to feel better about myself.
felt hurt about the wine drinking and results of the evening but when I am thin and in a better frame of mind i will do what i want to do! no longer hiding behind my flab!!!
Z went to check to day and i felt a bit mean that i did not offer to take her to the airport since i knwe that she would have difficulties getting there, but, i did not want to become her daddy figure! lent her deposit.

stupid

2007-08-22T16:33:00.001-07:00

today is another day!

2007-08-21T00:15:00.000-07:00

since my last post I have been reasonably good with my eating and feel that i am slowly losing weight and trying t reduce my obsessions with food.
I spent part of my weekend with a young friend, which always makes me feel good. we watched the secret on the internet and whilst it did not tell me anything earth shattering, it did make me think. I can lose weight but more importantly, adjust my attitude towards myself. I am a nice guy and i should show that to other people. I must get into NLP again, both for my own good and for that of my family. I need to have something to focus on.
Today I go on another training course to the hotel./ I can make the decision to be positive or negative. I decide how much I eat. This time i WILL NOT SNEAK DOWN FOR BREAKFAST I will eat with others so that this moderates the amount I eat.
I can change, you can teach an old dog new tricks!

sloe slow slow

2007-08-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

Weight myself today 147 kilos approx 23 stone 2lb 324lb a loss of about 2kilos since the 5th.
I will be happy if I can continue to lose weight at this rate my goal of 39lb by christmas.
i have started to take more exercise and feel better about myself.
Today I went to a buy a new coat, since the old one is getting a bit tatty. I had the money to spend but could not find one that would fit. not even in the fat shop. never mind once I lose the weight i will be able to buy things off the peg again.
met with z today talked quite a bit about my non sex life - may have to stop seeing her.since she reminds me of what i am not getting and want.

flight of the flab

2007-08-13T16:05:00.000-07:00

today has been ok, I have been good with my food and felt hunger and a bit light headed, slowly slowly.
my family goes away for a week today, and so I will have a whole week in which to either be good or pig myself.
i feel good about myself today, I know that I am basically a nice person but have let myself go on the eating stakes.
Work continues to be enjoyable so there is no excuse to eat because i am unhappy with that. I have decided to keep myself busy with going out so have decided to go to the theatre two days in a row. both with girls young enough to be my daughter.
one day perhaps i will feel attractive enough to consider having sex again. It's only been 3 years or so. And before that it was not very exciting. oh well will just keep on trying to lose weight and see what happens.

life love and electricity bills

2007-08-09T15:20:00.000-07:00

today started ok - but slipped up at lunch time- i think I felt a bit down. but todays almost over so its in the past, another day tomorrow.

temptations and life

2007-08-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last two days in a hotel, attending a course entitled 'strategies ' now to negotiate with creditors.
on the first day I arrived at the venue to find that the tables had been set out in the normal horseshoe fashion, but they decided to give us a jar of jelly beans. one jar placed between 3 people. I was very good, did not open the jar. however, one of my co delegates decided to sit next to me and proceeded to open the jar- id managed to avoid doing so from 10 am- she opened it at 3 pm so I admit i had a few - I could have easily eaten the whole jar but thank god i didn't.
the course finished at 4 ish and dinner was scheduled for 7. i went for a walk in bayswater, it was so tempting to nip into one of the many food eateries there.B y this time i was starting to get light headed and a bit strange. after all its been a long time since i felt hungry for any length of time! so as a compromise i bought myself some chicken cup a soups- quite low in calories.
also Imust report that I had a very strong urge to gamble, mainly because the crazy horseshoe casino is in bayswater- fortunately for me, I had no form of identity on me so they would not have let me in. my hp must be looking after me! that would have really fucked me up - fat and gambling again. never mind,the mood passed but it served me a very valid reminder that I am only one bet away from ruin, and all that entails.
anyway, back to my day.
I've realised that I am a very sly/sneaky person when it comes to food. when I am with other people, I moderate what I eat. but I now I do tend to try to eat on my own so I do not have to.
how canI explain this- last night we had a meal at the hotel - i ordered lamb shank - one of my favourite dishes (esp if done well) when the manager of hotel asked if I was enjoying the meal I replied yes, and said I could do with another lamb shank- he said that would not be a problem. if i had not been with pat and rikia I would have taken it, but because i was with them i did not.
we sent the evening together - walking down the parade of shops and ended up in pats room- I avoided alcohol and had diet coke
now here is the point of this whole diatribe, when we parted for our separate rooms we discussed meeting for breakfast.I was vague with them, because i wanted to be able to eat the buffet breakfast on my own, and not be moderated, as a result, I ate too much.
morale- try to stop eating alone/grazing.
All in all I feel good about my day and my efforts to change my patterns - I want it to changeI am so fed up of being unhappy about how I look. its not so much the obesity but the self disgust-I want my pride back Must remember that Rome or indeed the Dome was not built in aday..

start of a new life

2007-08-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

its 11pm and I have managed a day without stuffing my face. I had oats for breakfast, baked potato with beans and cheese and a pasta bake for evening meal.
i have been feeling good today, hungry but good about things. they say to it is better to take one day at a time.
Today has been a bit boring at work, the office is like an oven and the fans can only do so much.
at the moment I am training and only have a few clients so not a lot to do. things will change.
Tomorrow and Wednesday I have a training course so it will be a bit difficult for me since I will be staying at a hotel on Tuesday night. need to ensure that I do not pig myself when it comes to the buffet breakfast on Wednesday.
i enjoy meeting people on these courses, it means my brains works and I can get to meet new people.
I also enjoy the company of my collegues which for me is unusual for me, when I used to work in the banks i really did not mix. now I look forward to mixing.
If I can keep to this change of life, rather than a diet i will be really pleased with myself- got knows ive got enough clothes that do not fit!!

In the beginning

2007-08-05T15:50:00.000-07:00

Today I weighted myself. 149 kilos or 23stone 7 lb 329 1b
I never intended to get this fat! it just sort of happened. I have for as long as i can remember been fat, my earliest memories are of being the milk monitor at school - so that - so that i could get extra milk.
my family aways ate big meals and it was a sin to waste food, you you cleared your plate.
Fat men are supposed to be happy and jolly- I am not -I am miserable, I hate being fat and would would like not to be fat.
so I decided that today i would keep a diary of my attempt to lose weight. apart from anything else my fat will kill me!
why do I want to lose weight? - I'd like to get laid.- so that is my goal. Lose enough weight so that I can get fucked.
Today I have been good. I am in a good head place and want to be successful.
my goal for the next 19 weeks is to lose that 29 lb this puts me at week 51 or the week before Christmas.
how am i going to do this-by 3 meals a day and doing more exercise.

I want to record on this blog how I am doing and how I am feeling.