What does the birthpartner do at the birth?

That’s a really simple question, actually, with a ridiculously difficult answer, because the variables on it depend on the birthing woman, the environment, the birthing assistants, experience, relationship and about as many other things as you can imagine!

*For the purpose of this post, the birth partner is assumed to be the dad, but can be anyone the birthing mother wants or needs!

Never the less, men, especially, often find themselves completely hands off and lost when it comes to the birth of their babies. You only have to watch an episode of One Born Every Minute (which I strongly recommend as a contraceptive, but not as birth instruction!) to see how dads can feel uninvolved and at a loss when it comes to childbirth.

In my experience, home-birth dads are more involved. They have been more involved in the planning and preparation, if only as a sounding board to bounce ideas off of, but they are more aware of what’s going to happen and what to expect – of course that’s not always the case either though! Remember what I said about variables?

So there isn’t a list of ten step-by-step jobs for birth partners, but I thought I’d share some of the things my husband did during our daughter’s birth which you could consider assigning to your birth partner, so that they go into this with some idea of what to do.

Practical Jobs

• Depending on the manner of your birth, there will be a few practical things that need doing – a pool to be inflated, sheets to be placed, new born clothes to be laid out.
• A labouring woman needs to have sustenance – make sure she’s drinking enough and if she wants anything to eat, make sure there are snacks on hand. If the mother to be has prepared all this in advance, make sure you know what’s in the cupboards and how she likes it prepared.
• Field phone calls and visitors. Make sure the mother-to-be is comfortable with whoever is present. This counts especially for parents, inlaws and other family members who might want to be present for the birth. If the birthing woman isn’t comfortable with them being there, it’s the birth partner’s duty to make them leave.
  And guys: if it’s between your mother’s preferences and those of the mother of your child, you always go with the woman in labour. Always.
  
  
• Make sure all electronics are working. Have spare batteries for the cameras, put film in the video camera, and make sure the MP3 player is charged.

Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama says of her birth experience: “Since my husband is not brilliant at keeping me calm and relaxed I simply wanted him there to take pictures and video and to record the moments I could not see. My doula was there to provide all of the emotional and mental support. She was  in tune with me, knew what I needed, and offered a strong support during a very stressful birth. My husband took great photos!”

Hands-On Birth Support

Here again, the variables are monumental.

As every birth is different, so too every birthing woman’s needs are different. The most important bit of advice I can give you is this: listen to her and respond to her requests.

Here are some suggestions for things to keep the birth partner busy providing  hands on support during labour and delivery:

• Breathing exercises, such as golden thread breathing, relaxation techniques and massage can help massively with pain relief in labour. If you know these techniques before the time,  you can provide a very solid foundation during the birth of the child. My husband was a ‘pace setter’ for my breathing. He would start breathing the ‘right’ way, and I’d follow him. It provided amazing focus during pushing.
  
• Setting up the TENS machine
• Supporting labour positions, recommending positions when appropriate
• Managing the temperature of a birth pool
• Having a hot or cold flannel available  – hot is useful to help minimise perineum tearing during pushing, either can be useful for cooling or warming the forehead
• Ensuring hydration

 Christine from African Babies Don’t Cry says: “My birth partner was my mom. I really liked the idea of having a woman guiding me through it, especially one that had been through labour before. Unfortunately I only heard of the word ‘Doula’ some time after I had given birth. My mother was fantastic, she kept me calm, kept telling me that I can do this and to push with my lower abdomen muscles as she didn’t want me to burst blood vessels in my face as she had done once  in labour LOL. The pushing, however, came really naturally to me. I birthed in a hospital and they did allow my husband in to see Jesse immediately after he was born. Next time I hope to have a homebirth and then will have my mother and husband both in attendance.”

Isil from Smiling Like Sunshine had a very supportive husband at both her births.” My birth partner was my husband. He knew exactly what I wanted and supported me perfectly. My first labour was very straight forward and we enjoyed a beautiful water birth. The second time around, baby was back to back. I had lots of pain. Again he supported me perfectly, massaging through contractions, wiping my face with a cold flannel, bringing me water as I felt so hot and tired. It was more difficult than the first time but in the end, we got our water birth again! I am so happy that we experienced both labours together like this.”

Emotional Birth Support

Emotional support is hard to quantify. Again, the most important advice I can give you here is to listen.  Provide support, but don’t hound her. Don’t say you know what she’s going through – unless you’ve had a baby you really don’t.

• Positive encouragement is good. Praise is good. But be sincere too and don’t be offended if she’s not appreciative of it. In fact, don’t take anything personally. Some women really do lash out from pain and exhaustion – at least that’s what Hollywood will have us believe.
• Tell her how proud you are of her. Tell her she’s doing well. Never ever criticise or be negative
• Don’t show your anxiety and fear. Men especially hate seeing their loved one in pain. This isn’t the time to be thinking about how you’re feeling. It’s about her.
• It’s useful, if the mother to be has been practicing positive affirmations, for the birth partner to have them written out and handy. I remember my husband repeating affirmations to me in the birthpool, whispering in my ear all the things I’d been telling myself for months. Looking back, his voice is the one steady, calming influence I remember all the way through.
  
• Emotional support also comes in the form of managing who is present during labour and child birth. If the mother doesn’t want someone there, this isn’t the time for discussion. It’s time to be her enforcer (see the next section on advocacy.)

 Shannon from The Artful Mama says, “My birth partner was my husband. What I valued was that he never left my side during the entire 22 hours and did not second guess any of my decisions throughout the experience – even though I changed our plans during the labor. He told me that whatever I thought I needed was going to be what happens. I also appreciated that even though my mom was supposed to leave during my active labor he did not make a big deal about her still being there because he judged that the rhythm of the room would change if it was disrupted.”

Advocacy

Your birth partner is your birth advocate. The hormones released during child birth are counterproductive to fighting or negativity, and both of those will also hinder childbirth.

Your birth partner needs to know well in advance what your wishes are, which is why I recommend a birth plan. It’s a good way to cover the things you need to know about birth options and choices, and a solid foundation from which to start discussions with your birth partner, to ensure they really know your wishes, both in an ideal and alternative circumstance.

You cannot be an advocate for someone if you don’t know what their wishes are, so it’s essential to have those discussions before going into labour.

• To advocate for your partner means that you are the go between for her and medical professionals. It means when they give her a form to sign, you’ve read it. It means when they are pressuring her to do something you know she doesn’t want, you can speak up for her and request time to think. This often frightens people because they feel that they don’t know what the medical staff do, but you do have time. Even an ‘emergency’ caesarean takes at least half an hour to prepare for. There is time to stop and think. When our midwife told my husband that I was still at 4cm dilation after 44 hours of labour and we would have to consider transferring to hospital, he asked her to give us two more hours. We changed position, retreated to our room to be alone and I progressed from 4 – 8 cm in those two hours. 

• It means advocating for her with well meaning friends and relatives. I’ve mentioned this a few times, but I’ve heard so many stories of mothers, mothers-in-law and other family members who’ve insisted on being present at the birth and have made it an incredibly uncomfortable or unpleasant experience for the mother-to-be, who really needs to feel supported and respected during labour. If person x is so desperate to be involved, let them have a baby.  This is about supporting the woman in labour. Your mother/mother-in-law/sister/friend’s wishes never get to take priority.
• Being conscious of her comfort. A room full of students will be intimidating. A room full of unnecessary visitors. A corridor. Be aware of her comfort. So many women talk about the ‘loss of dignity’ in labour. Help her not lose her dignity.A good guide to judge circumstances by is this: Would I have sex or go to the toilet in front of these people/in this situation?  If the answer is no, don’t expect the person you’re supporting to want to give birth like that. The biology involved in childbirth is similar to that of sex and the mechanisms are based on those of orgasms. If you could have sex in a busy room full of people with bright lights and achieve orgasm that way, great, but most women couldn’t – neither can they have a peaceful birth that way.  In the same way, you probably wouldn’t want to have rampant sex with your parents or in-laws sitting in the next room sticking their heads in every two minutes to see if you’re done yet.  You’d also probably feel really uncomfortable going to the toilet in a corner of the room they’re sitting in. It’s pretty much the same for a woman giving birth. As her birth partner, it’s your job to look out for her comfort, advocate for her and support her.

“My incredible husband was my birth partner,” says Joella of Fine and Fair. “The most important thing he did was to trust me when I refused to schedule our daughter’s birth, which was by cesarean due to some complications. When I went into labor, he helped me stay calm (I was near phobic about surgery, and terrified of the surgical birth) by keeping a sense of humor and making me and the surgical staff. During the surgery, he stayed right by my side, telling me how brave I was, how proud he was of me, and what a good job I was doing bringing our daughter into the world. My husband helped me to feel that what I was experiencing truly was giving birth, and not just the surgical removal of our baby. In the recovery room, he again trusted me and helped me fight off nurses who were pushing formula. Since they were not supportive, he did the best he could to help me position our daughter for nursing and capture the beauty of that stressful moment with the camera.”

What have I left out? Can you think of other ways your birth partner did or could support you during childbirth? Please share  your thoughts below!

We’ve been back in our ‘normal’ routine this week, and the sickness seems finally to have lifted. Thank heavens. I can’t believe it took us almost three weeks to shake this thing!

26/366 – Budding Babes

We sometimes  have a natural parenting group meetup at our local Sure Start Children’s Centre, and I’m always shocked when we get there and see the quality of the toys they’ve put out for us every week. It’s so different to the centre we used to drop in to from time to time in London, with dirty plastic toys with generally flat batteries. This centre has toys we can’t afford – and by we I mean most of the families that attend – certainly not in the quantities they have them in.  Wooden train sets, cars, cooking sets, Noah’s Ark, sensory toys… just an amazing array of stuff. The company is great, the conversations stimulating and encouraging, and the children have a wonderful time in a developmental, non-toxic environment. It’s awesome and we’re so lucky.

27/366 – Fish Tank

One of the principles of one of the homeschool systems – is it Montessori? – is that children should have a pet. We don’t have a pet, but we do have a fish tank, and while we have one very much because I want one, it’s Ameli’s fish tank and Ameli’s fish and her responsibility to feed them every day – although I have to prompt her every day – but then, she is two. So every day she feeds ‘her’ fish and from time to time, we have to clean the tank: far more frequently than I ever remember cleaning our family tank when I was growing up!  But cleaning doesn’t have to be all hard work – here she is ‘cleaning’ the shells. She spent absolutely ages playing with the shells. It was actually quite fun doing it together.

28/366 –  36 Weeks Pregnant

Getting there… where ever there is, and here’s the obligatory belly shot for the week.

29/366 – Ameli Goya

An arty crafty morning at home, and Ameli is painting and stamping away. I love how ‘Goya’ – esque her pictures are here. All dark and powerful. Just my kind of art.

30/366 – Working Mama

I pretty much left childcare in my hubby’s hands today. I sat down with my to-do list of things that were computer based, and only moved off the sofa to top up my water and empty out my bladder. At one stage, this was the state of my screen. I decided to minimise everything at that point, and try to focus on one thing at a time. This is why I need a secretary. For a supposedly stay at home mother, I have three jobs and one volunteer role and seem to spend an extraordinary amount of time working!

31/366 – Cars

Both to give Martin some time off, and to make up for yesterday, Ameli and I went to the local indoor play place. It was freezing cold and we had a bit of snow on the way in, so it was nice to be somewhere warm and cozy. We had our first experience with bullying here, sadly. A little girl attacked Ameli and hit her while she called out ‘no,no,no’. I heard her distressed little voice and tried to find her in the maze, and when the girl saw me she stopped, by which time Ameli was in tears. I was devastated that I couldn’t climb up to the top of the climb frame to go and get her, but I couldn’t contort my belly into the gap in the ‘entrance’. (I regularly went up with her pre-pregnancy.) She recovered soon enough, but moments after leaving my side she came running up to me and away from the same girl’s friend, with a horrible bite mark on her finger! I was so angry, but having not seen what happened (i.e. how was her finger in the girl’s mouth?) I couldn’t do much, so we went to the pretty deserted ‘baby’ side (for under four’s) and had a nice play there instead.

32/366 – Forest Nursery

I warned you these would be a recurring theme in our pictures. But I can’t help it. She looks so puffy and warm and cute. This week they were searching for worms, and looking at them through magnifying glasses. It’s awesome that she has this opportunity.

Thank you for joining us for our week in pictures! If you’re taking part in Mamatography, remember to link up your post with the Mr Linky below!

A second competition for you today, and unfortunately I’ve been remiss and it won’t end on time for you to win your prize in time for Valentines day – but I’ll still tell you about it, so you can still buy before the 8^th – the final day for shipping – to receive your Valentine’s goodies from YourSurprise.com.

My husband has a rather sweet tooth, so I decided to order him a box of chocolates, but rather than buying something regular, I thought a personalised chocolate gift would go down a treat.

I chose the Chocolate Bonbons from your surprise, and we received a box with 15 heart shaped chocolates and a personalised greeting card.

Now, this is more expensive than your average box of Cadbury’s at Sainsbury’s – in fact the15 treats in this box will cost you £21 including delivery, but they do make a very unique gift.

Getting it personalised is very easy too – you upload your image, add your message and place your order… simple as.

I’ve written about Your Surprise’s chocolate before, so I’ll quote myself here:

“The top layer is always white chocolate, and you can choose plain white, milk or dark for the rest of the chocolate. I’m not a lover of white chocolate, so I was a bit concerned that it was going to ruin the yum for me, but it absolutely did not. It’s so hard in a sponsored blog post to convey sincerity, because you could just think I love the chocolate because I have to. And it’s true, I could. But behind closed doors, there are no secrets, and here’s the embarrassing truth: My husband and I shared the chocolate card while Ameli was sleeping so we didn’t have to share.”

Just one word of warning: when you upload a picture, make sure it’s a dark image. We used this one, and unfortunately Ameli isn’t very clear on the printed chocolates due to the white background. But then, it’s still a great gift.

By the way, PlayPennies have an exclusive discount code for 10% off any Valentines goodies from YourSurprise until the 14^th of February.

Competition

So, it’s going to be too late for Valentines day, but then, is it ever too late for chocolate? To win a box of these chocolates, leave a comment below saying what picture you’d use to decorate them and why?

For an additional entry, (which is not compulsory, and is not sponsored by Facebook and which has nothing to do with Facebook or its employees) you can like YourSurprise on Facebook, and leave a message on their wall saying I’ve sent you.

This competition finishes at 23:59 on 20 February 2012 and the winner will be randomly drawn.

Please read the competition rules.

You do not have to tweet or share this competition to enter, but doing so helps ensure that I can keep bringing you competitions! You can subscribe to Diary of a First Child by RSS or email. You can also follow us on Facebook or on Twitter. We hope to see you back again soon!

Much of the UK is covered in snow, ice or at least extreme cold right now and while I do my best to embrace wherever I am in the world, I am no fan of the freezing wind cutting through my clothes. Of course, being almost full-term pregnant my wardrobe choices are currently highly limited, but I simply refuse to spend money on clothes that are only going to last me a few months.  So what to do?

Maternity tights, it seems, are the solution.

I’ve taken to wearing Emma Jane Maternity Tights under my trousers when I have to brave the elements and I have to say I’m really happy with the difference it makes. Especially the fact that the 60 Denier I’ve been testing are hardy and have withstood the growing toenails that I am finding harder to reach these days!

There’s a gusset, I think it’s called with plenty room and stretch for the expanding belly but what I really like is that I often find tights that fit me size-wise, are too short for me and I’m constantly having to pull them up as they slip down my legs. These do not do that. I’m actually quite impressed by their length and the fact that I’m not having to constantly hitch up my tights!

I’ve worn these tights for a month now – on and off, obviously. Not continuously! – and have to say, if I found normal tights this comfy, I’d be much more of a tights and high heels kind of girl.

Competition

Up for grabs is a 20 Denier, One Size pair of maternity tights. 

To stand a chance to win, just pop over to Emma Jane and see what other maternity products they offer. Come back here and leave me a comment to tell me what else from their range you like.

The competition closes on  20 February 2012 at 23:59 and winners will be randomly drawn.

Please read the competition rules.

You do not have to tweet or share this competition to enter, but doing so helps ensure that I can keep bringing you competitions! You can subscribe to Diary of a First Child by RSS or email. You can also follow us on Facebook or on Twitter. We hope to see you back again soon!

Dear Squidgy

I haven’t written to you in weeks. I can’t believe how quickly the last couple of months have gone. Just a few days ago it was Christmas – and suddenly here we are in February and I’m counting down the days. It’s crazy. You’ll be here within the month, and there still seems to be so much to do.

Actually that’s part of why the time has been going so fast. Every second of my day seems to be accounted for.

I’ve been teaching baby massage classes, and I’ve been doing  training for another class I can teach once you’re born. I feel really bad that I have to go to work straight after you’re born, but things have been a bit tight with what they call ‘the recession’ and Daddy hasn’t been working much, so I have to do what I can to help him out.

Actually, it’s been a really stressful time and I’ve been quite worried and then, on top of the worry, I’ve been worried about what being worried is doing to you. Sounds rough, doesn’t it? But it’s okay. We’ll be fine. And you’ve been so spoiled by the people in this world that love you, even before you’re born. Mama’s been so amazingly touched by friends who’ve come through for you at a time when I was feeling really low.

The love from people around us has been amazing, and while we’ve really not needed much to prepare for your arrival, we’ve been so blessed by the things we have been given.

As for preparations, we’ve slowly but surely been getting on top of things. We’ve done a trial run on the birth pool, and I’ve been drinking the right tea and taking evening primrose oil capsules. I’ve been doing my kegels and we’ve washed the clothes you’ll need for the first while.  We’ve acquired a Moses basket for your day time naps, and I’ve started making some extra meals to put in the freezer.  I seem to be getting on top of the things we need to prepare for your arrival. Slowly, but surely.

What I am not on top of is the house stuff… the tidying, the cleaning, the constant picking up and the suddenly endless amount of laundry – I blame winter. We have to wear so many more clothes in this horrible cold weather.

I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but you were transverse for ages, and on New Year’s Eve you turned, just suddenly. You seem to be head down now, which is great, and you’re moving a lot. Some days I’m pretty sure you’re on the right side, and other days you’re most definitely on the left. In fact, I’m often lopsided. It’s a great look.

Oh – and my belly button finally popped out at 37 weeks.  Just thought I’d make a note of the – it’s rather momentous.

I feel like there’s so much I have to say to you, yet sitting here staring at this page, I can’t think of the right words.

I think you’re the perfect gift for our family. I think we’re so blessed to have you joining us. I can’t wait to count your little fingers and toes. I can’t wait to put your gorgeous newborn nappies on you. I’m terrified, too, of the changes, the new stresses, the new things I’m going to have to learn. Having a baby once was such a learning curve, it changed everything about me. And I realise that you’re a new person, and the knowledge I have gained in this journey of parenthood may be useful, but may also mean nothing. You may be totally different. You will be totally different. There’s no doubt about that. It excites me, and it terrifies me.

I love you Squidgy. I love you already.  (Now I just need to start thinking of potential names for you!)

Mama

(Q6 on my birth plan - positions for labour)
(Q9 I would like to be in the following position to give birth:)

I sat in a hospital waiting room during my first pregnancy, waiting to see someone when a couple came in looking for labour ward. Her waters had broken and they were trying to find out where to go. They waited for the receptionist, and while doing so, were looking at the posters on the wall. The one just beside me had a whole variety of labour positions depicted in pictures. The woman said to her partner, “Hey, look here. You can have the baby in all these positions. You don’t have to lie down.”

My jaw dropped.

I’m sorry if this sounds judgemental, but I struggle to fathom how you can get to that point in one of the biggest occasions in your life and not know something as simple as labour positions.  Especially when your position during labour can have such a huge impact on your experience of childbirth.

Humans are the only mammals that try to give birth lying down. It’s illogical as it defies gravity.

In The Business of Being Born, Michael Odent, the reknown doctor from France, explains why doctors want women on their backs – it makes their job of observing and interfering much easier.  He shows, in the video, the best position for a woman, which has him low down –hard on his back, but better for the labouring woman.

In reality, the best position for a labouring woman is the one she’s comfortable in. I spent most of my pregnancy with Ameli practicing squatting so I could give birth in that position. When it came down to it though, I found having my back out of the water to be excruciating and ended up delivering in the pool, sitting bolt upright. An illogical position, but a perfect one for me. Below are a few suggestions for the best positions to labour in. The links go to videos with detailed instructions on each position. (Some videos are linked more than once.)  I’ve also collaborated with Joni Rae from Kitchen Witch who has drawn up two beautiful printable pages for you to print out and keep with your birth plan to remind yourself of the different positions when the time comes. Feel free to print and share them, but please remember to attribute them to her. There are two of the same of each, with different spellings of labour/labor. Choose whichever you prefer!

First stage/Early Labour

• Side lying – especially with a pillow between your knees, helps  open the pelvis. (After 44 hours of labour and progressing only to 4cm, two hours in this position saw me go from 4 to 8cm and my daughter was born an hour later.)
• Leaning forward – useful for taking the weight of the baby off your back
• Rocking, swaying and rhythmic motion – slow dance with your partner to help you relax and release the birthing hormones. Alternatively, there’s been great things said about gentle belly dancing during labour. Another option is sitting on a birth ball and doing figure of eights with your hips.
• To progress labour, staying active is helpful. For example, climb stairs, go for a walk, do lunges – these are useful to have practiced in late pregnancy so as not to be exhausted with sore muscles! Walking uses gravity and contractions are often less painful. It may speed up labour, reduce backache and encourages descent.

Back labour Back labour generally inspires fear. Everyone accepts widely that it is more painful, although that’s not a given. For me, it was. I couldn’t lie down, and if I wasn’t submerged in water, I found it excruciating. This time I want to be prepared with more back labour defences! (I also have always had back pain during periods, so have always anticipated back labour in childbirth.) The idea with these positions is to keep the baby away from the spine, taking the pressure and weight off the spine. These positions can also help baby move from a posterior position.

• Over the birth ball or bed – helpful if baby stays back to back, and good for pelvic rocking(tilt) which helps with pain relief.
• Pelvic Tilt
• Straddle a chair
• Leaning against a wall is great for rotating a posterior presentation, and the contractions are often more productive.
• Sofa or raised hospital bed
• Lunges

Positions for pushing

• Semi-sitting  – Good for resting, uses gravity – this is how I gave birth, as it was the most comfortable position for me.
• Side-lying – you’ll probably need someone holding your leg up for this one.  This is good for fetal oxygenation. This position may promote progress of labour (I went from 4-8cm in two hours in this position – after 44 hours at 4cm)
• Hands and knees – this is a popular home birth position, also useful because mothers often deliver their own babies in this position.  This position is also good if there’s low heart tones, and takes pressure off of haemorrhoids. This is apparently a good position for delivering a large baby, and excellent for shoulder dystocia.
• Back of hospital bed or sofa – similar to hands and knees, but with support
• Birth ball – again, similar to the above
• Squatting – this one takes strong legs and practice, but is great for shortening the birth canal and also for delivering your baby into your own hands.  Also increases pelvic diameter by up to two centimeters.
• Dangle – is pretty much identical to squatting, with the difference being that someone else (and strong!) supports your weight.  This is similar to a birthing stool, except your centre of support is different. (There has been mention of dangling putting too much pressure on the perineum, so do what’s comfortable.)

Sources: Lavender T and Mlay R. Position in the second stage of labour for women without epidural anaesthesia: RHL commentary (last revised: 15 December 2006). The WHO Reproductive Health Library; Geneva: World Health Organization. Copyright © Paulina G. Perez, RN, BSN, LCCE, FACCE, Lamaze Parents Magazine. Positions for Labor and Birth - Transition to Parenthood Images: Joni Rae from Kitchen Witch

Welcome to week 4 of 2012. Is it just me, or is it really flying by? We’re in FEBRUARY folks. I haven’t even packed away all the Christmas decorations yet! (Yes… I know how bad that sounds!)

Without further ado, here’s our week four for 2012.

19/366 – Lost Day

Ah… the enduring sickness. It seems we lost a day here…

20/366 – Feed the Toddler

Sick, sick, sick sick, sick sick sick, and did I mention, sick? At least with home made yoghurt, I’m pretty sure Ameli’s getting some good stuff in too…

21/366 – Feed the Birds

My inlaws came to visit and after lunch we went for a walk along the canal. I think it’s really important for girls to have a good male influence in their lives, and I treasure that she has a good daddy, Grandpa, Oupa and uncle who love her. Sadly Oupa and Uncle Zee are far away, but daddy and Grandpa are near.

22/366 – Birth Pool Test Run

It’s getting hot in here… well, actually the temperature is dropping, and my belly is getting bigger. We have to start getting things ready for this new baby, so as a first step, we dusted off Ameli’s birthpool to make sure it’s good for round two. She’s way bigger than the day she came out of it, I’ll tell you that!

23/366 – Lego

The sickness bug just won’t leave our house, so we’ve been laying low, doing what we can to keep busy while keeping warm. Here’s Daddy and Ameli building Lego.

24/366 – Fairies and butterflies

When you can’t choose, why not be both at the same time?

25/366 –  Before and After

Trying to sort things out and make space for Squidgy’s arrival. Ameli’s room’s been a bit of a mess from my efforts to tidy, so this is the before and after once I’d sorted clothes she can still wear from clothes she can’t. And then it was back into bed, because if I don’t shake this cold… *sigh*.

Remember to link up your Mamatography posts below, and if you’re just visiting, thanks for stopping by!

(Q4 on the birthplan: During labour, I would like the following pain relief:)

I’m just a few weeks off the birth of my second child right now, and with the birth of my first I was so prepared. I’d spent eight months reading, learning, studying. This time I’ve been less focused on the birth, and more on surviving a relatively rough pregnancy while still being mother to a two year old.  It’s been fun.

But, I’m trying to ‘focus in’ on myself at the moment. I’m trying to set aside all the extras that fill up life, and prepare for the arrival of this baby.

A good place to start, in my opinion, is with a basic birth plan. While many people think a birth plan sets you up for failure and disappointment, I personally view it as a wonderful way of thinking about things you didn’t even know where options in a birth, especially if it’s the first time round for you.

Now, it’s time to start thinking about the pain. It’s the one thing mothers-to-be fear more than anything else, an no wonder, when you see the portrayal of childbirth in the media. Your waters break and two seconds later you’re lying on your back with people all around yelling at you to push, push, push, while you’re screaming. Well, from personal experience (of myself and millions of others), I can assure you that birth doesn’t have to look like that.

And I’m not even talking about drugs.

Understand something: it’s not about getting a medal for natural childbirth. (I get a bit angry when people say ‘you don’t get a medal for going natural’. Actually, you do. It’s just not round and shiny.  Choosing not to go drug-free or not is entirely a personal choice, but belittling someone else’s decision to do so is simply rude. And visa  versa.)

Something very important to remember about fear and pain is how they work together. Fear increases your adrenaline pumping through the body. Adrenaline overrides Dopamine, which is the feel good hormone and Endorphins, which are your natural pain killers, leading to a heightened sensation of pain. The more you fear, the more you feel.

I had a fantastic independent midwife, Sofie Jacobs, who gave us our private antenatal classes before Ameli’s birth, and below is a transcript of my notes from her discussion on Pain Management During Labour:

Natural Methods

• Maternal movement and position changes – otherwise known as active labour, can help managing contractions especially early on. Aids such as a Swiss ball (birth ball) pillows or leaning over a chair can be useful.  I’ve been reading a lot about yoga or belly dancing to help during labour too. It’s very interesting and worth trying.
• Touch, massage and counter pressure – some women find having their lower back pressed or their hips pushed together during contractions can relieve some pressure. Massage can help relax between contractions too. Application of hot cloth or ice pack can also help here.  I didn’t enjoy being touched during contractions and just wanted my body submerged in water.
  
• Breathing and relaxation – hypnobirthing, golden thread breathing and a host of other breathing techniques can be used. They should be practiced during pregnancy so that they are natural and familiar during labour. There’s a large variety of ‘birth relaxation’ CD’s on the market. My favourite is Birth Beyond Fear – Beautiful Birth Relaxation by Lorraine Hale. Definitely become ‘accustomed’ to it during your pregnancy as there’s little more distracting than a grating or irritating voice droning on during labour and not every CD will appeal to every listener.
• Hydrotherapy – whether this is in the bath, shower or a birth pool, water is known to provide pain relief in many conditions, and labour is the same. That said, some women have planned waterbirths, then found they hated being in the water – there’s no way of knowing, but most of us have access to running water. I planned to give birth on my knees, but during labour found I couldn’t bare to be on my back on land, and once in the pool didn’t want to move off my back – being submerged in water was the most incredible relief!
  
• Attention focusing and distraction – being able to focus on something else may help deal with contractions. Alternatively having a mantra or song or affirmations to repeat or have repeated to you. This was invaluable to me during labour. I had music I was listening to and was so focused on singing along during transition that I remember the midwife saying she’d never heard anyone singing while giving birth before. It took my mind totally off the ‘pain’ and made me entirely focused on the baby moving down the birth canal. I also had a list of affirmations stuck up on the fridge (we had a birthpool in the kitchen) and my husband repeated those and others he’d heard me repeat during the pregnancy over and over. One of my overriding memories of our daughter’s birth is my husband kneeling behind me repeating those affirmations quietly in my ear during each contraction. I’ll never forget the sound of his voice during contractions. It was so calming and reassuring to me. Ali from Sunrise Rants baked a cake for their new baby during early labour as a means of distraction.
  
• Self-hypnosis – there are a number of different techniques and options available. I found them all to be too expensive for me to do the proper classes, but CD’s and books are available. I found deep relaxation to be as effective as I have heard hypnosis can be.
  
• TENS (Transcutaneal Electrical Nerve Stimulation) – You have to start using the TENS machine when contractions start, and gradually build up with it. You can not stop and start, and once you’ve stopped you cannot restart. The electrical impulses stimulate the production of endorphins. Apparently the baby is not affected by the nerve stimulation. There are different TYPES of TENS machines. Not all are suitable for labour. Be careful if you buy to buy one intended for use in labour. I found this a great relief until I went into the birthpool. They can be hired or bought.
  
• Reflexology, acupressure, acupuncture and aromatherapy – all can be used during labour and are especially effective when treatment is started during the last trimester of pregnancy.  All should be done with a qualified therapist as they can help with the induction of labour and some essential oils are not recommended in pregnancy.

Pharmacological methods

• Paracetamol – can be taken at home every 4 – 6 hours during labour. While useful in early labour it won’t have much effect later on and dosages MUST be adhered to.
• Entonox (Gas and Air) –  the mother is in control of how much she has, and it has immediate effect. There’s no need for monitoring when on G&A and there’s no effect on the contractions. On the negative side, it can cause light headedness and vomiting. I vomited badly on entonox, and didn’t like it at all. It made me feel light headed and unfocussed. I used it for a while as I was exhausted after 2 days of labour, but I didn’t feel that it did much for the sensation – it just made everything blurry and forced me to focus on my breathing. That part was helpful.
  
• Pethidine (Demerol in the US) – while some midwives can administer Pethidine at a home birth, it is unlikely. It (apparently) works quickly and can be repeated later in labour. Pethidine is generally administered by injection, and it can cause nausea and dizziness – whereas with gas and air that will dissipate in minutes, Pethidine will have to be left to work it’s way out of the body. Pethidine can also cause the baby to have a ‘sleepy heart rate’ which may be misconstrued as the baby’s heart rate dropping, leading to interventions.
• Epidural– this can come in two ways: half and full. Epidurals cannot be administered in a home birth.  A half epidural means you can still move around somewhat, and will be able to feel your body’s urges to push. With a full epidural you will not be able to move and will be constantly monitored. You will also need to be coached to push when the monitor shows you’re having a contraction.  Epidurals carry more risks than the previously mentioned methods of pain relief. These include:
  • 5% risk of hypotension
  • localised lower back ache
  • shivering
  • prolonged labour
  • reduced bladder sensation
  • 1 in 200 risk of dural puncture resulting in headache
  • 1 in 1000 risk of temporal nerve damage
  • 1 in 10000 risk of permanent nerve damage
  • may increase risk of operative delivery (c-section)

I hope you find this as helpful as I did when Sofie gave it to us. It really laid it all out clearly to me, and helped me decide what I would and would not like to use during labour.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional – this is a summary of my own research into the birth of my own children. I recommend you do the same and make informed decisions about your own situation. 

For additional reading:

• Effect of Labor Epidural Anesthesia on Breast-Feeding of Healthy Full-Term Newborns Delivered Vaginally – Medscape
• Epidurals and Breastfeeding – La Leche League
• Effects of Pethadine on the Newborn – BMJ
• Does medication administered to a woman in labour affect the unborn child? - an AIMS leaflet
• Belly Dancing as the Dance of Childbirth - Barbara Brandt and Gigi Groth Devitt
• Belly Dance for Birth - a Youtube video
• Breathing techniques for labour and birth – look specifically at Golden Thread Breathing, this focused me so much in transition, it was a beautiful experience.
• Side Effects of Epidural Anesthesia: Research Data

Medicated vs unmedicated births: personal stories

• Sweet Birth Doula Services
• Babycenter - an interesting thread with personal experiences from a range and variety of mothers

I am an absolute lover of Groupon. I think the idea behind it is fantastic, and I love having the opportunity to treat myself to things I really ordinarily wouldn’t justify in my budget. There’s always someone in the family that needs new shoes before I can have a massage. There’s always something that takes priority over something I might like to treat myself on. But with Groupon, there’s actually the option of doing something nice for myself or for people I care about from time to time.

Recently I was given a £100 Groupon voucher to spend on whatever.I.want.  You have no idea how rare that is. Even though I do work and do earn an income, it really isn’t money that goes in my pocket.  I’m sure at least one or two you of you know what that’s like? And the upside is that Groupon doesn’t sell baby stuff, or pay bills, or do grocery shops… so you have no choice but to spend it on something nice.

So what did I do with my £100? I bought dinner for myself and my husband – we’ve not been out to dinner in over a year – and I’ll give him the voucher for that on Valentines day, so we can go two weeks later when my sister is visiting and can look after Ameli for us.  I bought a one-hour massage and facial for two for myself and my sister for after I’ve had Squidgy – nothing like throwing Daddy in the deep end for an hour or two! And I still have £40 left! I’m being very selective about what I’m going to do with that. Buy myself another massage for later in the year? Spoil a friend in need with something?

A few months ago, I even bought a £140 photo shoot for just £29 and it expires when Squidgy will be about two months old, so we have time to have a professional family photoshoot with our new born!

Perhaps a family day out? Or a wine tasting party at home for myself and six friends – maybe for my birthday?  I could even get my living room repainted, although not for £40.

My plan for next Christmas is to put a few treats from Groupon into our Advent activity calendar, so while some days we’ll stay home and bake a cake, other days we might have a family adventure golf day. Some days we might go to the park, other days we might go to a theme park or local attraction, all at massively reduced prices, and because I’m buying packages throughout the year – it won’t all cost at once (although there are date restrictions, so do keep those in mind!)

I’ll let you know how our Groupon days we’ve already bought go in February… I can’t wait for a bit of ‘special’ time.

*Update 1/02/12: Regular readers will know I’m a huge fan of Green People, and today Groupon have a FANTASTIC offer of 60% off Green People products. £12 for £30 of Green People products.

Competition

Groupon have kindly offered readers two chances to win a £50 voucher.  Head on over to Groupon now and see what the offers in your area are today, then come back here and let me know which you would spend the £50 on if you won. (Remember Groupon offers are only available for purchase for one day, so you won’t actually get that offer, but if you win, you’ll get a £50 to spend on any upcoming offers you choose!)

You can also follow Groupon UK on Facebook.

For an additional entry, sign up to receive our Competitions Only RSS feed or the standard RSS  and leave a second comment below to say which one you’ve signed up for.

This competition ends at 23:59 on 13 February 2012 and the winner will be randomly drawn using Random.org

Please read the competition rules.

You do not have to tweet or share this competition to enter, but doing so helps ensure that I can keep bringing you competitions! You can subscribe to Diary of a First Child by RSS or email. You can also follow us on Facebook or on Twitter. We hope to see you back again soon!

Monday Morning Coffee is a simply gorgeous blog. It’s pretty much a photo journal of the kind that makes me want to retake the photography course I did about ten years ago.  Her pictures evoke emotion. They are bits of art, each and every one.  Reading – or watching – Monday Morning Coffee unfold is like reading the pages of someone’s diary, but without guilt, because they’ve handed it to you. It’s beautiful and peaceful. It’s a privilege to be invited in.

Jenni has a large family and step family (five kids from baby to 17 year old!), many of whom have food intolerances and allergies, so when my gluten and dairy free friend comes to visit, you’ll find me perusing MMC for a recipe for our dinner!

Monday Morning Coffee is still quite a young blog, started in August last year, with a small following, but deserving of a larger one. I highly recommend that you visit this website – you’ll leave feeling like you’ve just had coffee with a friend.

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Kitchen Witch is an incredible blog that I’ve been a silent reader of for a very long time. Joni Rae is an awesomely talented woman – you can see that in her blog design and creative doodles. She is also a passionate activist in a number of arenas – like breastfeeding – and speaks with a fervour and intensity that makes you sit up and listen.

Joni is also deeply honest about her life, her past, her depression and her battle with body image. She also doesn’t mind standing up for her beliefs in the face of possible criticism. For example, there are many in the AP circles that don’t believe in praising children too much, and many have written on the ‘dangers’ of ‘good job!’ But Joni tells her kids when she thinks they’re doing a good job. (I do too. And I tell my daughter she’s beautiful… daily!)

But once in a while?  A kid just wants to say “Look what I can do!” and stand on their hands before they run off to play again.  That’s when a “that’s fantastic!  Great job!” is all they are asking for.  A quick stamp of approval.  A small bit of praise that conveys “I acknowledge what you are showing me and it is awesome!”  They aren’t looking for a long-winded “I love the way you placed your hands on the floor and the way you are able to hold you body so straight! You are very strong!” because that would cut into whatever game is in play in the backyard.

I agree wholeheartedly. When my child says ‘look mama, at what I can do’, it’s her way of making sure I’m still paying attention to her, still conscious of her and still ‘with’ her, even if I’m busy with something else.

Joni’s husband weighs in on this by saying:

Good job to a five year old is the equivalent of a quick ‘I love you’ to a grown up.  We don’t have to wax poetic about the depth and breadth of our love, we just want to acknowledge that it is there.  Do these same people not want their spouse or partner to say “I love you” before they hang up the phone or turn over to go to sleep at night? ‘Good job’ is a quick snapshot, a verbal thumbs up.

It was a real relief to me, to find someone else in the AP society who doesn’t have a problem with praising her children.

Kitchen Witch is a Pagan blog, so our belief systems are different, but our styles of raising our children, our belief in nature and in doing the best for our families are so similar, that I feel an affinity with Joni Rae, and a little bit of envy at how beautiful she is able to make her corner of the web.