I’ve been struggling a lot recently with the fact that us mamas have to multitask, while the dads seem to find it a little harder, to say the least!

I can cook a full dinner, put on a wash, hang up the washing and wash a few dishes all while my daughter toddles around the kitchen amusing herself with her toys, hangs off my legs, cries to be picked up and generally goes about her day. I’ve even been known to pop her on the counter to breastfeed while I’ve been cooking.

Yet my husband – and I recognise that I am criticizing a man who is in the kitchen making dinner and will do the washing up after, so I really don’t have that much to complain about – finds it more difficult to cook whilst looking after Kyra.

It’s made me wonder about this supposed multitasking thing that we do as women.

While I’m making sure the chicken doesn’t burn, am I really paying much attention to my daughter? I know enough to know that she is not pulling the kettle down on herself. I know that she’s safe and I have a general awareness of where she is despite having my back to her.

I allow her to open the cupboard and I allow her to bang her finger in the door – because we have soft close doors. I wouldn’t slam it. I allow her to touch the oven, to feel that it’s hot and to pull away. I even allow her to tug on the washing line knowing full well it’s going to fall down on her, and when it does I catch it so that it doesn’t actually land on her, just frightens her enough to know not to tug on it again (till tomorrow, at least).

I’m always aware of what she’s doing, but my attention is split between her and the chicken and the water running in the sink.

With her father though, the attention she gets is undivided, more or less. He is so focused on what she is doing, that the same meal might take him twice as long to prepare. He spends much more time talking to her, drawing her back to her play area and trying to get her to play with her toys – or the favourite kitchen laundry basket.

In the end, we still have dinner on the table, and the hours pass, but I can’t help but wonder at the end of the day, which experience has taught her the most, or meant the most to her.

Or does she benefit from both, gaining different experiences from our different approaches?

What do you think?

I have either lost or deleted an entire memory card full of pictures.

If I ever locate my missing week, I shall edit this rather sad and forlorn page and update it.

In the meantime,while you wait with bated breath for next week (!) here are some poor quality phone photos from around the same time to keep you company!

Mama Cuddles Are The Best

As A Newborn, These Were The Stars To Reach For

Melt My Heart

Going Somewhere

See you again next week for our Week in Pictures

I am a member of the ‘cry-it-out’ generation. When my daughter, Kyra, was just a few days old, my mother suggested we leave her to cry for twenty minutes and she would sleep better. If she was still crying after twenty minutes, we could go in comfort her, and then start again. I sat in the next room crying as I heard my newborn crying. We did it twice, and I vowed never again.
Since then, Kyra has slept either in her cot next to our bed, or in our bed. She is either soothed to sleep, nursed to sleep, or if we’re out and about tends to fall asleep in the sling before being transferred to the cot next to our bed.

To me, the whole concept of crying it out is cruel. Yes, babies need to learn, but babies also need to be mothered.

I know that if I was hungry, cold, tired or just feeling the need for affection and human touch and I lay in my bed crying and my husband simply ignored me, our relationship would very quickly suffer. If he could leave me to cry, and tell me to ‘just go to sleep’, or tell me ‘you need to learn’, but withheld his affection from me, I would not feel that I was able to trust him.

How then, can I ask a baby who has no understanding of life away from my heartbeat, or of temperatures outside of my womb, to whom quiet darkness is new, strange noises are unsettling and being alone is unknown, to get over it and go to sleep?

In her book, What Mothers Do especially when it looks like nothing, Naomi Stadlen talks about the heightened distress that some mothers feel when they hear their babies cry at night. She finds it surprising to see how many of these mothers were given sleep training themselves as babies, and draws an interesting parallel between those who were subjected to sleep training, and have become distressed parents.

She goes on to suggest that it perhaps “reactivates their own early shock at being trained to sleep without their parents at night. They have not retained conscious memories of crying. But when these mothers turn to their parents for suggestions for getting their babies to sleep at night, they are startled to hear about how they themselves had been left to cry”.

This makes sense, in many ways – you just have to look at the effects of cry-it-out style sleep training to see it.

I have listened to so many mothers over the last ten months talk about sleep and how desperate they are for their little ones to sleep through the night, and I’ll admit, eight solid hours sounds blissful, but at what cost?

I love how Stadlen phrases her thoughts on the false picture so much literature portrays of what motherhood involves: “Too much literature today implies that being a mother is about changing a baby’s ‘inconvenient’ behaviour.” She specifically mentions Gina Ford, who offers to help parents listen to what their babies are really saying and suggests that mothers who follow Gina Ford’s books are “encouraged to attend to the book before their babies.”

So yes, babies do sleep better when they have been left to cry, but they do so out of sheer exhaustion, and out of a very early awareness that no matter how long they cry (even to the point of being sick) no one will attend them. They are alone for the night and must console themselves. In an adult we would expect this to lead to depression (which makes people sleep more too!) and in a child it can be called neglect, but in a baby it is okay?

I know that cry it out and sleep training are emotional and sensitive topics for many people, and I know that everyone has their own thoughts and ideas and will do behind closed doors whatever they feel they have to. But I also know that before we can continue blindly following the instructions of an old man (Truby King) who tried to teach us how we should mother our babies it is our responsibility as mothers to at least know the true consequences of our actions.

I strongly recommend that every mother make the time to read What Mothers Do especially when it looks like nothing. It is not a ‘how to’ guide, but presents motherhood in an amazing and refreshing light.

My little girl’s first birthday is coming up soon. I know many people don’t make much of a fuss for first birthdays, but for various reasons we are. Of course, every good party starts with an invitation so I thought I’d share with you what I’ve done.

Our theme is a zoo party, so using the template for a monkey from busybeekidscrafts.com as a base, I found two circular shapes that I could use for outlines (top and bottom of a candle holder). Fold the paper in such a way that you only have to cut each shape once, but get three large circles and two small. If you can, cut the circle in such a way that it’s still attached at a point. Draw and cut two small circles for ears, then draw and cut the faces. Take a pipe cleaner and cut that in to 5 parts – two short arms, two longer legs and a long tail. Cut two strips that can be intertwined for the neck.

I find it useful easiest to write out the invitation on a third of the larger circles at this point.

Paste a small circle in the middle of the large circle for the monkey’s belly.

Paste the face and ears on the head.

Glue the ‘arms’ and ‘legs’ to one of the large circles, then cover it with the circle that’s been written on. If you weren’t able to keep the circles together, dab a tiny bit of glue on the top of that circle, then glue the two circles to the ‘belly’ circle so that it lifts as a flap.

To make the neck, fold the two strips of paper alternative over each other (a two-strand plait). Then glue an end to the ‘tummy’ and an end to the ‘head’.

Bend the pipe-cleaner in to hands and feet, and twirl the ‘tail’ around your little finger and glue to the back.

And there you go!

My daughter doesn’t ‘get’ that these are invitations though! She just likes playing with them till they tear! It’s a fun craft project and can easily just a monkey by not adding the third flap, but gluing the belly to the second circle.

This is such an amazing recipe. The bread is beautifully moist and such a lovely flavour.  It uses less eggs than other recipes I’ve tried, and the addition of the coconut is unusual but brilliant. It’s also really quick to mix together, and fills the house with a subtle and warming fragrance.

Ingredients:

• 2 cups flour (500ml)
• 4 tablespoons soft butter (60ml)
• 2 large eggs
• 1 1/2 cups mashed ripe bananas (about 4) (4ooml)
• 1/4 cup sour cream or plain yogurt (60ml)
• 3 tablespoons milk (45ml)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract (5 ml)
• 3/4 teaspoon baking powder (4ml)
• 1/2 tsp salt (2.5ml)
• 1 cup sugar (250ml)
• 1/2 cup sweetened flaked coconut (125ml)
• 2 tablespoons sweetened flaked coconut (30ml)

I am unapologetically pro-breastfeeding: I think it is absolutely normal and everything else is sub-standard. But I am also passionately pro babies being safe, and when a mother cannot or chooses not to breastfeed her child, or for whatever reason makes the decision to formula feed, I think it is essential that she is equipped to do so safely.

I do not think that piling guilt on mothers helps either – so much of motherhood seems synonymous with guilt; from the night out before you knew you were pregnant to the glass of wine at six months to the manner of birth to the feeding, sleeping, general care and raising of your child, we are constantly feeling guilty, and that seldom serves any positive purpose.

But even though I’m very much a ‘lactivist’, I also want what is best for babies, even if they are formula fed. Ultimately, the most important thing of all is simply to support mothers and their babies.

To that end, and because I have had a number of conversations with formula feeding mothers who have complained about how little information there is out there for them, I would like to share some resources with you. Having never formula-fed, I obviously haven’t tried them out myself and so can’t vouch for how effective or helpful they are. But they are from reputable sources so I hope they will be of some use in helping to protect babies.

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During their first year of life, babies are at their most vulnerable to viruses, bacteria and parasitic infections, which can lead to anything from a mild attack of thrush to the more serious condition of gastroenteritis. This is an illness similar to food poisoning, which can cause vomiting, diarrhoea and subsequent dehydration.

Formula fed babies do not have the same protection against sickness, so it is essential to make sure that both bottles and formula are clean and well prepared. Formula that is not prepared at the right temperatures for example means contaminents such as enterobacter sakazakii are not killed.

Guidance on the Safe Preparation, Storage and Handling of Powdered Infant Milk

This guide is presented by the Food Standards Agency (FSA) and is aimed at health professionals. Powdered infant formula is not a sterile product and may be contaminated with pathogens that can cause serious illness. Correct preparation and handling reduces the risk of illness.

This guidance discusses the risks of incorrect preparation, storage and handling. It explains how to prepare feeds at home and in care settings, how to transport feeds and has a pretty informative Q&A section.

NHS Guide to Bottle Feeding

This picture guide shows how to sterilise, make up and test formula milk. It discusses feeding away from home. It also talks briefly about the risks of combination feeding, such as the reduction in breast milk and difficulty restarting breastfeeding once the mother has stopped.

The guide has been created by the NHS in association with UNICEF UK Baby Friendly initiative.

How To TV video on bottle feeding

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A brief how to. Not sufficient on it’s own, but it’s a good start and gives you a valuable visual reference to bottle-feeding techniques.

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I’m pretty sure all mothers have now heard that ‘breast is best’ and despite the aggressive marketing by formula companies and misinformation by easily swayed medical personnel suggesting the innocence of formula milk, the list of risks is long and the number of recalls frightening.

The bottom line, however, is that formula companies spend about £20 per baby on “educational material”, while the NHS spends roughly 14p per baby on ‘marketing’ breastfeeding. It’s hardly a surprise, then, that so many people bottle feed, but right or wrong their babies do not deserve to suffer for a decision they had no part in making.

I hope the bottle-feeding among you who have asked me for help and advice have gained something from this. That said, I wholly expect to be crucified by some of my lactivist sisters. But supporting women means supporting them in every choice they make – even if it’s not a choice I would make myself.

Information. It is so vital to our survival. Misinformation, on the other hand is a killer. Can you imagine if you were told that a red traffic light meant ‘go’? What chaos would reign in your life, if you lived very long at all?

I have been sorely disturbed in recent months by the information and lack thereof surrounding the sleeping, feeding and care of our babies if it doesn’t fall strictly in line with the latest guidelines, based on the latest research.

As an example, I was at an event recently where a health visitor with 20 years of experience talking about infant sleep said the following (not a word for word quote, but along these lines):

I cannot recommend co-sleeping. It is dangerous and can lead to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Most mothers co-sleep at some point or another, even I did, but I cannot talk about it or recommend it.

And with that, she moved on. Now, I understand that she isn’t legally allowed to recommend it, and I understand that she has to cover her own back, but I find this approach incredibly pointless.

1. I cannot recommend co-sleeping: fine. Don’t recommend it, but talk about it. Explain why you cannot recommend it
2. It is dangerous and can lead to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Well, so can smoking in the house or residue smoke on your clothes, drinking, drug taking, too many blankets, too much swaddling, and a lack of serotonin in the brain and even formula feeding, but okay – let’s blame co-sleeping.
3. Most mother’s co-sleep at some point or another. Oh dear. Those terrible mothers again, being all pesky and messing with government guidelines.
4. Even I did. Well, I never! Maybe you could give us some insights?
5. But I cannot talk about it or recommend it. But where’s the help in that? What’s a new mother to take from that? What guidance or instruction or, heaven forbid, help is there to be gained from that?

Right, so my sarcasm isn’t helping either, but surely, surely, when you have a captive audience who have come to listen to you talk about sleep, there is no better time to educate.

Tell us you cannot recommend it. Tell us government guidelines strongly discourage co-sleeping. Tell us that you don’t know what causes SIDS but that there are things that heighten or lower the risk and tell us what those things are. Tell us not to co-sleep if we’ve been drinking or taken drugs such as antihistamines. Tell us that having a fan on in the room reduces the risks of SIDS and making sure the baby is not too hot reduces the risks. Tell us that babies who lie on their backs in cots sometimes die too.

Tell us that sometimes there just is no explanation. Tell us everything you know, then remind us that you cannot recommend it. But at least you’ve told us, so that we can make conscious decisions. So that if we do fall asleep in bed with our babies we know to make sure there aren’t pillows that can suffocate them. So that we can make sure they sleep above the blankets. So that we can make sure about what medication we take and whether they’re going to make us drowsy. Tell us.

Sticking your head in the sand doesn’t help. Pretending it doesn’t happen, doesn’t help. Hammering on about what we should do when you know the reality is often different doesn’t save lives. Education does. Information does.

Author: Martin

It’s probably fair to say that there are a lot of less than perfect fathers out there, but having been at the business myself for approaching a year now, there’s a part of me that sympathises.

Now, that’s not to excuse bad parenting – absolutely not. What I mean is that there’s no manual telling you how to be a dad (and if there was, we’d no doubt refuse to read it, of course), and particularly in the beginning, you spend an awful lot of time trying to figure out just what you’re supposed to be doing.

In the run-up to their first child’s birth, a man’s head is invariably filled with practicalities – after all, there’s not much you can do to help mum-to-be, so even if you’re occupying yourself with trivial details, at least you’re doing something.

But what catches many first-time dads off guard – myself included, if I’m honest – is that very little actually changes after the child is born (not at first anyway).

So while mum, having already carried and nurtured the child in her womb for nine months – an act of profound giving that even the best father in the world will struggle to match in a lifetime – now continues as the centre of junior’s universe (especially if you’re breast-feeding the child, like us), dad sits on the sidelines, struggling for relevance.

It’s little things that bring it home. A good few times it’s happened that we’re on our way to bed, and my wife is in the bathroom brushing her teeth and the like, and the noise from us going about our business has disturbed our daughter. So there you are, doing your best to try to console and rock your child back to sleep when in fact you know that she’s just going to keep getting more and more upset until mummy arrives with the milk, and there’s not a thing you can do to change that.

Those seconds have dragged past like hours, I tell you, and I’m sure thousands of new dads through the ages have had the same experience.

It’s an unavoidable truth that on average dads are very much the lesser partner in the early days of a couple’s journey into parenting, and your baby isn’t going to sugar-coat that basic fact for you no matter what you do.

But it’s important to remember that it’s nothing personal, and also that it will change over time, so you need to remain open and accessible for that bond to grow, even if you do feel surplus to requirements right now.

In the meantime, there are a number of things you can do to spur the process along. Pick one or two daily routines and make them your own. It could be a late night feed or an early-morning walk – it doesn’t really matter, so long as it’s a specific job that you alone are responsible for..

In my case, I’m in charge of the bath-time and bed-time rituals. Every night I rock my daughter gently back and forth in my arms until she falls asleep – it’s become our own little ritual – our “thing”, and I find it hugely fulfilling.

It may not seem so right now, but all the time you’re building a bond with your child, one that will only grow stronger down the line.

For the time being our weeks have taken on a distinctly domestic flavour. We’re preparing for our next trip in October, so laying low for the moment, saving up and living frugally. But even so, friends need to be seen, family visited and life must continue, so the odd slow at home day is always a pleasure.

Day 223 – Playdate at Kiddicare

Kyra and I went to Peterborough to visit our friend Karin  and Little Miss from Cafebebe. We had intended to have a look around the beautiful old town, but it rained so much we just spent the day in the Kiddicare (which I highly recommend a visit to!). While there Kyra found herself a little friend, Ewan. She kissed him and he’d burst out laughing, then she’d lean in and kiss him again and he’d burst out laughing (this is very unusual behaviour for Kyra, by the way.) It was so funny, and he was a really gorgeous boy! Later his little brother, Harris, who was closer to Kyra’s age decided he wanted in on the action and I finally got a picture I could use! Big thanks to Kelly (the hands in the picture) for letting me use this!

Day 224 – Like Mama

I have a picture somewhere in an album of me wearing this outfit at just a bit older than this. It’s quite amusing actually to see the comparison between reusable nappies of yesteryear compared to these today. Anyway, I love this outfit – she looks super cute it in, and I love that I once wore it.

Day 225 – Flower

I’ve been testing out Kodak’s Zi8 and a few other of their bits recently. I’ll tell you more about it another time, but here’s a picture I took with the pocket video camera’s macro mode while Kyra and I were out for a walk. Not too bad, I thought, seeing as that’s not it’s primary function.

Day 226 – Beetroot & Chocolate

I seem to have loads of food permanently going off in this house! Today I salvaged a few beetroot by making this fantastic cake. You can find the recipe here! Yes, it is beetroot and it is chocolate, but it is just so good.

Day 227 – Banana Bread

This isn’t any old banana bread – it’s coconut and banana bread. Now, I love me some banana bread, despite the fact that I don’t like the smell of bananas, but this – well, this is just something else. I made this on Monday and had the last piece on Friday and it was still moist, fresh and flavourful. Check back on Sunday coming for the recipe!

Day 228 – Granny & Kyra reading

A brief midweek visit to my in-laws, and here they are as Granny reads ‘Baby’s First Bible’, a gift from Kyra’s god-parents in Australia, to her. Thanks Abbi & Des, she loves it and walks around the house with it. She’s so animal obsessed, the pictures are wonderful!

Day 229 – Longleat

While Martin worked and his mom and dad did their thing, Kyra and I went to Longleat. The only thing I was disappointed by was the fact that for almost two years we lived about 5 miles from it and had never been. We had such a fantastic time, and we didn’t even get to go on the safari. We’ve saved our tickets for next time though. Can”t wait! She loved stroking the rabbit and broke in to fits of laughter each time. It provided grand amusement for the people around us!

Thanks you for joining us for our week in pictures!

Lenore Skenazy on Parentdish recently wrote ‘Don’t talk to strangers’ is dangerous advice in which she suggests that rather than teaching our children not to talk to strangers, we should teach them which strangers to turn to.
Talking about a little girl whose mother rushed her away from a middle aged woman shopping for swimming costumes, she says:

Let’s say that some day that girl really does find herself in a tight spot. To jump to the ultimate nightmare, let’s even say that one day there’s a van following her — a white one, without windows (the predator’s vehicle of choice). The girl can keep walking, trusting no one and hoping to God she’s safe. Or, she can run to the stranger pruning his hedges and say, “Let me stand next to you till that guy leaves!” She can run into the store and tell a stranger, “Call 911!” She doesn’t have to wait for a policeman. She can ask for — and get! — help from any stranger because the vast majority of strangers are not predators. They’re like you and me.

This approach makes so much more sense to me, as it does to many readers, it seems.

She’s not saying my daughter should go in to the house with the man pruning his hedges. She’s not saying go in to the back office with the store clerk. She’s saying teach your child what’s safe and what’s not.

I finished school at seventeen. The day after my last official day, I walked to school at 10 am to go and collect some things I had left behind. We lived in a safe, quiet neighbourhood and I had walked to school every day of the year we lived there.

That day, a car passed me on the street and I thought nothing of it.

A few minutes later, the same car passed me on the street, slowing as it went by, but without thinking about it, I assumed that he was looking for something.

He came round a third time and stopped half way up the hill and climbed out his car. It really didn’t occur to me, naïve as I was at the time, that he was undoing his belt. In fact, I didn’t even think anything when he hopped in his car again and took off up the road. The first I thought anything was really suspicious, was when he stopped again, got out his car again and looking at me, stuck his hand in his pants.

I don’t know what I thought would happen if I walked past him, or what I thought he would do but my gut drove me across the road to a house I had never been to where strangers lived. I knocked on the door and an African lady answered the door and without saying a word, let me in the house. The police were called, but nothing ever came of it, since I didn’t even have the license plate.

When my parents later stopped by the house to thank them, the owners said that it was all very surprising because in ten years of working for them, their cleaner had never opened the door for anyone. It had been the look on my face that had told her that, in her words ‘ a child needed help’.

I certainly don’t recommend that a child walk in to a stranger’s house on any given day, but I think it’s so important that we teach our children the difference between a stranger, and a dangerous stranger or at least a dangerous situation (judging by appearance doesn’t really work either!). I am certainly glad my parents did, or who knows how this story may have ended.