I haven’t really been working this week. Instead of being hunched over my laptop, I’ve been doing a lot of other things that make me happy. Like visiting my grandmother in Ohio for her 64th birthday. Yes, she’s a young Grama LOL! Me and mom flew out to celebrate our favorite girl and it was a lovely trip. In my first proud travel hacking moment, I was able to find a last minute roundtrip flight on United for only $160 from DC to Cleveland! *dusts shoulders off*

(Turns out all the travel bloggers are right. It pays to sign up for ALL the airline newsletters as they often have great sales or last minute fares!)

We took Grama to Pier W in Lakewood, Ohio for a special birthday brunch buffet! I highly recommend it if you’re ever in the Cleveland area. It’s a fantastic seafood restaurant right on the lake. Man, I still can’t believe it only cost $35 a person for all the amazing food we ate there. AND it included a mimosa!

Me and Grama are both on a pescatarian diet and we LOVED this seafood bouillabaisse. I enjoyed two bowls of it with slices of grilled french bread.

I may have also possibly fallen in love with these waffles.

Mom had to get back home to work with her personal training clients, but I stayed another couple days with Grama eating good food, going to the movies and drinking “pop.” We went to see Dark Shadows and Think Like a Man – both her choices. I remember when I was a kid, it was all about what I wanted to do. Now that I’m grown, it’s all about what Grama wants to do! Turns out I enjoyed both films. They both had plenty of funny moments, though Think Like a Man was pretty predictable, even without all the hype around Steve Harvey’s strangely popular book. To me, it was really just a 2012 version of Two Can Play That Game.

When I visit Grama, I make it a point to prepare at least one healthy meal for her. It’s become our “thing” now, me cooking for her. This time around, it was this awesome spinach salad that I replicated from a dinner I had at the JW Marriott in DC recently. Baby spinach, candied pecans, dried apricots, balsamic vinagarette and crumbled feta (or goat) cheese.

For the entree, I made roasted vegetable spaghetti which is really just zucchini, mushrooms, broccoli, cauliflower, tomatoes and garlic coated in olive oil, roasted for 20 minutes and tossed with whole wheat spaghetti.

As I fixed Grama’s plate for our dinner, I thought of how fortunate I was to be able to have this time with her. I also realized that my trip was not a “vacation,” it was just part of my LIFE. This is my life! I get to decide how I spend my time. I get to determine whether I’ll enjoy it while I still have breath in my body or if I’ll be laying on my deathbed, regretting everything I missed out on.

Are you spending enough time with the people who really matter to you?

If not, it’s time to get out your calendar. Look at the next 7 months of the year. Pencil in all the things you said you wanted to do, all the people you were going to see while you were still tipsy off that New Year’s Eve champagne on January 1, 2012. Block out time to talk to your brother, to finally take that roadtrip to see your favorite cousin. Make a recurring appointment to call your mom every week. Set a lunch date with your sister on Fridays at noon. Go for a walk with your significant other in the morning just to talk and listen to the birds calling your names.

Make time for the people who really matter.

As for me, one of my priorities is to spend as much time with my grandmother as I can before she gets too old to remember anything. We’ve always been close, but time just goes so fast…

Although, if you look at our actions, it’s clear that many of us think we have forever. We make plans for “next year” like it’s guaranteed we’ll be here then. How arrogant of us, to think we have all the time in the world!

I earned less money in my business last year, but right now, I don’t want to think about that. I want to think about what I gained from not working as much, from turning down opportunities I really didn’t want. I gained more time to spend with the people who really matter to me. And time is the most precious resource any of us have.

The only problem is, none of us actually knows how much of it we have left.

“Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us.” – Steven Pressfield

For most of us, there seems to be this huge gap between the life we live and the life we really want.

We say we want a better job, but day after day, all we do is complain and keep punching the clock at the one that makes us miserable.

We say we want to find love, but aren’t willing to go to events or even go online and put ourselves out there to meet single men.

We say we want to spend more time with family, but waste huge chunks of our “free” time on Twitter talking to strangers.

We say we want to start a business and put our talents to use as an entrepreneur, yet never seem to get that great idea off the ground.

We say we want to travel, yet we let ourselves get easily discouraged at the thought of being able to save enough money to leave the country.

What’s up with that?

One thing I say I really want is a romantic relationship. In the past, I even said I wanted to get married. Yet, my reality was that I cheated on almost every boyfriend I ever had until I met the rocket scientist. That was 12 years of my life I spent lying to myself about what I wanted and what I was emotionally ready for. My mouth said one thing, but my actions showed quite another.

Now, it feels like I’m starting over. I’m learning how to be honest with myself and others. What I know is that it’s hard to be open. For all of us. It’s tough to tell the truth and let it hang out on the line like a pillowcase in summer.

The problem is, whenever I cling to my fear of falling in love, of giving away precious parts of myself to another person, my heart tightens like a closed fist, unable to let anything (or anyone) inside. Of course, this makes it even more difficult to go after what I really want.

On the flip side, whenever I stay open to possibility in my love life, magic happens. I meet the most amazing men who teach me something about myself. Like the writer I met in Charlottesville, who taught me more about what I really need from a partner as well as what I am able to give.

It’s just as important to know what you don’t want as it is to know what you do want.

I don’t want to be closed up and overly cautious. I do want to stay open to the magical world of possibility. I don’t want to miss out on what the universe has in store for me. I do want to play the game until the last inning, knowing that I could strike out at any moment.

For me, this is the only way to avoid the tragedy of an unlived life. Go after what you really want. Do exactly what your heart tells you, even though your mind is steady telling you to be careful, not to give too much away.

Don’t listen to the lizard brain.

Because when you’re willing to take that first vulnerable step out into the unknown, opportunities somehow start showing up to greet you at the door.

When I decided to go natural in 2010, it was after many years of thinking about it but being too chicken to actually DO it. After I did my first big chop, I felt free from all the emotional baggage that had kept me from embracing the natural beauty of my hair without a relaxer. I was so happy about finally letting my soul glow that I wanted to liberate everyone else around me from the “creamy crack,” too.

Little did I know that I was about to be stuck in another prison myself.

After my big chop, I soon fell in love with my TWA (teeny weeny afro). It was so…me. But as my hair grew, I started to fantasize about how long it could/would actually get. I began watching Youtube videos of natural hair mavens who talked about achieving their goal of reaching “bra strap length” with their growing locks. I watched as women demonstrated how silky and bouncy their curls could get with the addition of a little product like Miss Jessie’s or Kinky Curly. I started buying oils and puddings and serums in an attempt to replicate the impressive manes I saw on the internet. All the while, my hair was growing like crazy, much faster than I thought it would. It grew long enough to twist, then long enough to braid, then long enough to put into a cute updo. It got so long that even my natural hair-hating aunt began to talk about how pretty it was. I went from having a coarse TWA to a soft mane of twists, stretched out into a big mess of curls as often as possible.

I loved the attention I got from women who stopped me on the street to ask what my hair regimen was or how I went about twisting my hair. I loved being seen as attractive in spite of my natural hair, which many people had tried to convince me would make me ugly.

As my hair grew longer, however, the longer it took to maintain. The washing, conditioning, detangling and twisting began taking up more of my time. Time I would rather spend on my business or on dates or with family and friends. I started to wonder: is this what I really want? To spend an entire Saturday on my hair? I was beginning to resent the burden my hair had become. But when I thought about cutting it down some, I felt afraid of losing the compliments on my appearance. I wanted people to keep noticing me for how long and pretty my hair was.

After a while, I realized how insane my thinking had become. I had given up the creamy crack just to end up getting cracked out on Youtube videos. I was caught up in the rapture of having “good” natural hair. How quickly I had forgotten that ALL hair is good if you truly love the woman it’s attached to. It all depends on your perception of it. And my perception was once again coming from the wrong place: other people.

It took me back to my younger days when I would wear ridiculously long hair weaves and ponytails to look more glamorous than I felt with my shoulder-length relaxed mane. Having (fake) hair swinging all down my back would turn men’s heads and draw envious looks from women who wore their hair in less elaborate styles. But deep down, I knew that being addicted to the attention I got on my hair (and my looks in general) then and now, wasn’t healthy. Last year, I realized that I still needed to do some more inner work in this area of my life and take steps to resolve it within myself.

Here’s how I escaped the natural hair prison:

• I stopped watching natural hair Youtube channels. (Again, nothing against the women who make natural hair videos. But once I started to go from learning how to twist my hair to coveting certain women’s hair on Youtube, I knew that activity had to go.)
• I stopped reading natural hair blogs. (Same reason as above. Plus, I was allowing the constant reviews of new natural hair products to turn me into a junkie and drain my wallet.)
• I developed a minimalist hair care regimen. At this point in my natural hair journey, I still only use a few products that don’t break the bank. And I don’t switch up, no matter what miracle root another sister tells me about. I stick to what works. If it ain’t broke…
• I big chopped my hair again in December 2011. I did this when I was in Honolulu. I cut it off myself using some hair scissors I bought at the drugstore. Watching my curls fall into the trashcan brought me back to the real reason I went natural in the first place. Because I wanted to. Not because other people thought it looked good on me. I big chopped again to remind myself that no matter how long hair my hair is, I am still beautiful, powerful and free.
• I stopped comparing my hair to other women’s. Now, whenever I see a woman with pretty natural hair, I just say, “I like your hair,” instead of “I WANT your hair” or “I WISH my hair was as long as yours.” Offering compliments this way helps me refrain from coveting other women’s hair and reminds me to appreciate the beauty of my own.

With the rapid growth of the natural hair community – both online and offline – it’s easy to get caught up in the prison of wanting your natural hair to look a certain way before you really consider it to be beautiful. I remember seeing so many comments from women on natural hair blogs or Youtube channels fawning over the bra strap-length ladies with adoration. “I WANT YOUR HAIR!” they would exclaim, wishing theirs could be that long, that curly, that bouncy.

In most cases though, we’re not really lusting after someone else’s hair. What we, as black women, are really saying is that we want the perceived emotional or social benefits that come from having the hair (because we’re certainly not lusting after the downsides!). At some level in our consciousness, we hold the belief that longer, curlier hair looks better than the hair we have now, which may be shorter and coarser.

Many women have commended me and other naturals for being “brave enough” to wear our real hair. But what I’ve learned is that going natural is just the first step.

The real courage comes in learning to love the hair we have without wanting it to be something else.

No matter how many of us are on the bandwagon now, the truth is that having natural hair does not define you…unless you let it. So if you see yourself in anything I’ve written here, the best question to ask yourself at this point is:

Do you want your hair to define you? 

If so, carry on with the Youtube watching and bra strap-length envy. If not, I invite you to plot your escape from the natural hair prison. It’s much better being on the outside.

“As long as we continue to live as if we are what we do, what we have, and what other people think about us, we will remain filled with judgments, opinions, evaluations, and condemnations. We will remain addicted to the need to put people and things in their “right” place. To the degree that we embrace the truth that our identity is not rooted in our success, power, or popularity, but in God’s infinite love, to that degree can we let go of our need to judge.” - Henri Nouwen

A few weeks ago, I was visiting my mom and aunt, celebrating their birthdays. After dinner one night, we came back to mom’s house to be lazy and watch the Oprah Network. Beverly Johnson’s reality show was on. After just a few minutes of tuning in, I was quickly reminded of the reasons why I don’t like watching them.

We started talking about how silly Beverly’s housemanager was, going on and on about his smoking habit. “OK,” we joked. “We get it, you want everyone to talk about the fact that you need to quit smoking. Let’s move on.” But yet, there we were, watching him drone on. Why? Out of pity? Boredom? With dozens of other shows or movies we could have been watching instead, there we were sitting back laughing about this family’s fake-real life. I even hopped on Twitter to see what others were saying using the show’s hashtag #BFH. Online, people were pretty much doing the same thing we were – going in on everyone on the show except the little baby.

That’s when I realized that shows like this just serve our need to feel like we’re better than other people.

Many women call reality TV their “guilty pleasure” because they know it’s not right to laugh, speculate and point fingers at the people whose “lives” we’re watching. On some level, we all know it’s unhealthy to tune in. Here are a few reasons why.

Reality Shows Are Not Representative of Reality

Although they try their damnedest to look like real life, reality TV shows are the furthest from reality that you can get. Yes, they cast ”real” people instead of professional actors as characters, but other than that, reality TV shows are completely scripted. Beverly Johnson’s show is just one example, and a mild one at that. Do you truly believe that Beverly just came up with the idea of moving her daughter’s family in with her without the promise of a TV show filming it all for the Oprah Network? No way, man. She’s a businesswoman who knows the exposure will be good for her (and her daughter’s) brand. In general, do you think normal people would really get paid to showcase their boring, mundane, not-so-glamorous, drama-free lives on the boob tube? Not a chance. Keep in mind that reality TV storylines are created with one thing in mind: cheap ratings. Networks are making money off of exploiting the “journeys” of contestants on shows like The Apprentice, American Idol and Top Chef. Black women are making money off of being “drama queens” on shows like Basketball Wives, even if they’re not really that bad (or that extra) in real life.

Says a director and producer:

“Certainly, reality TV is a very manipulated format where the basis of it is that real people are put into unreal situations to create a story,” said J. Rupert Thompson, a director and producer who includes “Big Brother” and “Fear Factor” among his credits.

What’s so dangerous about this is that the more we watch “reality TV,” the more our brains are unable to clearly distinguish between what’s real and what’s not. Research has shown that reality TV shows actually skew our perception of true reality. It’s a psychological magic trick, the way the illusion of “reality” on the television screen makes us that much more engaged in people’s (fake) persona and lives. The truth is that you have no idea who Snooki really is. All you are seeing is what the producers want you to see.

Watching Reality TV Reflects an Unmet Need

So if we know it’s all fake, why do so many people feel compelled to watch shows like Real Housewives or even contest shows like Top Chef in the first place? The research on this is fascinating, summarized nicely here and here, for starters.

Reiss’s data showed that the largest significant motive for watching reality television was social status, which leads to the joy of self-importance. Only slightly less strong was the need for vengeance, which leads to vindication. “Some people may watch reality TV partially because they enjoy feeling superior to the people being portrayed,” Reiss said. “People with a strong need for vengeance have the potential to enjoy watching people being humiliated.”

The data shows that many people watch reality TV shows out of a desire for viewing humiliation. In other words, seeing someone else’s messed up life can make us feel better about our own issues, if only temporarily. This is unhealthy because the act of viewing someone else make bad choices does nothing to rectify our own. It’s just a cheap, fleeting way to meet our emotional needs. Tweeting that Kandi’s hair looks horrible skirts the real issue. The real issue is: why do you even care? Does it make you feel better about your own appearance when you spend time tearing down a reality TV star? The research says yes.

Reality TV Encourages You to Judge People

“Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.” – Marshall Rosenberg

For me, this is the biggest reason why reality TV shows are such an unhealthy form of entertainment. All they do is foster an environment for judgments about people you don’t even know, women in particular. As you watch them, you are being invited into the characters’ (fake) lives and personas. There is a storyline that is carefully crafted by the show’s producers to create enough (fake) drama to keep viewers interested. No one ever watches a reality TV show without uttering some kind of judgment. Look at her hair! I can’t believe she said/did that! Ugh, she is such a b*tch! Really, when was the last time Twitter was silent during an episode of Real Housewives of (Whatever City They’re In Now)? I’m gonna go with NEVER.

If seeing the wives of basketball players cuss each other out rocks your boat, then you have to consider why is this your form of entertainment? What is it about trashy reality TV that gets you to tune in and spend your time engrossed in it? The truth is not that it’s simply a “guilty pleasure” like eating greasy french fries. There is an emotional need you are getting met by watching, most likely one for social status, or a feeling of self-importance. But just because a lot of people do it, doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

The Bottom Line

If you want to be happier, avoid negativity. Garbage in, garbage out. Try cutting reality TV shows out of your media diet and see how you feel in a month. At the very least, you’ll get back all those precious hours of your life to devote to pursuing your goals.

Do you watch reality TV? Do you feel that it affects your psyche or do you view it as just harmless entertainment? What are some more positive ways you might be able to get your needs met?

This year, I am being more intentional about reflecting on my life and work. How else will I know if I’m making progress on the goals, dreams and opportunities I have for myself? I loved doing my annual review of 2011 (here are the questions I used for that), so now I’ve committed to doing a review of each month of the year as well.

Here, I present a brief review of the fourth month of 2012, starting with a word that captures the essence how I spent the month of April: HONESTY.

This is some of what I did last month, personally and professionally.

• I decided to stay in Charlottesville, VA for another month. So I’ll be here through mid-May, for sure. After that, I’ll be going to visit my Grama in Ohio for a bit. Then…?
• I did two paid speaking engagements: one virtual (webinar) and one at JMU in Virginia. As a result of my presentation at JMU, I got invited to present at another local college while I am here in the area. So that makes two paid gigs for May so far!
• I began teaching the third live run of the Blogging School, bringing the total number of students who’ve take the course to over 60! I’m not sure when the next live run will happen, as I am in the process of putting together some more advanced material to take folks through the entrepreneurship side of blogging more deeply. Sign up here to be the first to know about new Blogging School courses.
• I attended my first wine festival in Charlottesville (also  known as Virginia’s wine country). I had a great time (a great tipsy time LOL) tasting local wines from 12 area wineries, as well as meeting the other four black women who were there (not even kidding – there were like four of us). So funny how we have a way of finding each other, especially when we are in the minority. My favorite wine, hands down, was the Horton Vineyards white chocolate dessert wine. Oh man, that was some good stuff! (The photo in this post is from my day at the wine festival.)
• I went to a meetup for work-from-home professionals where I met some cool business owners that I’ve been able to learn from and build with while I’m here. I feel less lonely now that I’ve found a few local people to add to my ”tribe” of fellow entrepreneurs. Shout out to Meetup.com!
• I spent quality time with my mom and aunt for their weekend birthday celebration. It’s been so interesting seeing their relationship evolve as they get older, especially as my respective relationships with them change and grow.
• I cooked quinoa and this time I actually enjoyed it LOL. I paid more attention to my protein and veggie intake. I drank more water. I relaxed at the park. I found the best Thai restaurant in Charlottesville. I worked from one of my favorite “offices” – the public library. I went to see “The Lucky One” and felt like a cougar for lusting after the very young (and very hot!) Zac Efron.

I chose the word HONESTY because in April, I felt like I was able to be honest with myself and others about my needs. I was reminded of how powerful it is to be 100% who you are, especially in personal relationships. The powerful part is that by being honest about who you are and what you need, you give others permission to do the same.

In my relationship with my sister, I was honest with myself about the fact that I cannot ”fix” what’s causing the chasm between us. As much as I want to be able to change her frame of mind right now, I have to remember that I am not responsible for her stuff. She is the only one who can choose to heal whatever is preventing her from participating fully in our relationship. Being honest about that gave me an immense feeling of relief. I no longer feel the burden of “making it work” between us on my shoulders.

In my relationship with the writer, I was honest about my feelings and needs. Unfortunately, his past relationship experiences left him skeptical about what’s possible with women. I very nearly fell into the emotional trap of wanting to “prove” to him that nice guys don’t always finish last. But that is not my role as a romantic partner, nor do I want it to be. Trying to help someone else move on and grow from past relationship disappointments is not a position I want to be in. I was honest with myself about needing a relationship filled with mutual support, not one-sided semi-therapy sessions. This gave me the clarity to end what would probably have become an emotionally unhealthy situation.

What I want to experience in May 2012 is the courage to proceed as the way opens for decisions I will soon have to make in my work and life. I want this to look like saying yes to new, messy opportunities and releasing attachment to the outcome of any particular path. I want to feel OK with being a “free spirit” (as two people have referred to me recently).

What ONE word would you use to describe your experience of April 2012? What do you want to experience in May 2012?

If you choose to answer this question as part of a review on your own blog, please go ahead and post the link in the comments so we can read it! I would love to hear how your year is progressing so far. For some additional inspiration, check out Glamazini’s review of April 2012: Momentum.

If you want to join the May 2012 edition of the 31 Days to Reset Your Life Challenge, you may still do so here. As soon as you sign up, you will receive the first assignment in the program! Or, you can just buy the workbook, which gives you all the exercises in one place, with worksheets so you can work at your own pace.

In case you missed them, here are all 15 posts I wrote on the blog last month. Thank you, as always, for reading and sharing.

• 4 Ways to Make Room for More Happiness in Your Life
• Join the 31 Days to Reset Your Life Challenge: May 2012 Edition
• How Much Money Should You Charge for Speaking?
• Eight Months, Four Rooms, One Nomadic Adventure (Photos)
• Have You Started Yet?
• Four Steps to Becoming a Professional Speaker
• 7 Strategies to Help You Stop Buying Things You Don’t Need
• Marketing Yourself Takes Courage: What I Didn’t Know in 2007
• The Happy Black Woman Playlist: 10 Songs to Inspire You to Be Your Best Self
• Whole: A Review of March 2012
• What I Learned from Being on Public TV: Don’t Forget Your Pantyhose
• My Dream Job is What I’m Doing Now
• There’s Nothing Sexy About Working for Yourself
• A Realistic Reason to Try Online Dating
• 3 Ways to Stay Open to Possibility in Your Love Life

“Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.” - Henri Nouwen

My little cousin Elijah is three years old and, like any toddler, is very clear about what does and does not make him happy. If you suggest doing something he isn’t interested in, he breaks into a pout and states firmly, “I don’t WANT to.” As kids, most of us probably had a similar attitude. But as adults, it can feel impossible to get back to that time when we focused on our own happiness instead of trying to make everyone else happy. Yet, we have to remember that happiness is not something that just occurs automatically. The truth is, we have to constantly choose to be happy and make space for what we really want. Otherwise, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut after a while, focusing on all the things we dislike about our lives.

If you’ve been pouting like my little cousin Elijah lately, here are a few strategies you can use to start making room for more happiness in your life.

1. Make a list of all the things that make you happy.

Sometimes, we can get so caught up in work and taking care of day to day “life” issues that we forget what we’re even living for. That’s why one of my favorite exercises from my 31 Days to Reset Your Life Challenge is the assignment to make a list of 100 things that make you happy. It’s a great way to remind yourself of what you really enjoy doing, especially if you’ve been living under someone else’s agenda for so long that you feel like you’ve forgotten. What truly makes YOU happy? What kinds of things, people, activities, music, memories, places, foods, smells, make you feel alive? By verbalizing what you want to see more of in your life, you will consciously (or subconsciously) seek it out more often.

2. Carve out a few hours of “me time” every week.

I call this “taking yourself out on a date.” Every week, mark off a few hours on your calendar to spend all by yourself – no work, no kids, no chores, no girlfriends, no Facebook. Use that time to do something that makes YOU happy, regardless of what other people might think. For instance, if you love art museums or foreign films or long walks in the park listening to the birds, go out there and have fun doing it! Stop waiting for “someone to go with” because you’re afraid to go to the movies or to dinner at that new restaurant by yourself. Or, just run a bubble bath or take a long drive into the country to have some peaceful time alone to think.

3. Say “no” to activities you no longer enjoy.

Are you overwhelmed with responsibilities at home, at work, or in your personal relationships? Maybe you find it hard to say “no” when people ask you for favors, even if you barely have enough time for yourself as it is. A great way to change this pattern is to start saying “I would love to help if I could, but I can’t” to things you really and truly don’t want to do. Stop working late. Delegate more. Get rid of all current commitments that no longer bring you joy and start limiting any new commitments to people other than yourself. When you do this, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much happier you’ll be with the commitments in your life that you actually DO care about.

4. Let go of unfulfilling relationships.

Maybe there’s a romantic relationship that you’ve allowed yourself to stay in, only out of fear that you won’t find anyone else. Perhaps you’ve grown far apart from your best friend from high school but you feel guilty about not wanting to hang out with her anymore. Or it could be that it’s time to ditch your Negative Nellie co-worker who’s always bringing you down with her constant problems. Even though it can be tough to let go of these kinds of relationships, it’s better for both parties in the long run. Release unfulfilling relationships with truth and love. Because once you get rid of that baggage, you will have more mental and emotional space to cultivate better relationships in the future.

How can you make room for more happiness in your life? What do you need to let go of so you can have more time to devote to the life you really want?

This is the announcement post for the May 2012 edition of the 31 Days to Reset Your Life Challenge. Learn more and sign up for the program here.

Note: Please read everything on this page if you want to join us for May. If you already completed last month’s challenge, no need to do this one (unless you want to repeat it) as the exercises are identical month by month.

For May 2012, I am putting out the invitation here on the blog for those who want to benefit from my virtual life coaching program, 31 Days to Reset Your Life. Each day of the program requires you to complete an exercise that will help you get back on track in ways that will allow you to become a better, happier, healthier and more successful person in the future.

You’ll get exercises to help you:

• Get out of an unsatisfying rut
• Rediscover who you truly are
• Develop a personal mission statement
• Create a map for your ideal life
• Envision and pursue your passion and purpose
• Get clear about your goals for the future
• Eliminate behaviors that are holding you back from being happy
• Experiment with new strategies for living a healthy life
• Build new relationships
• Cultivate the entrepreneurial spirit within
• …and much more!

Who is this challenge for?

Anyone who wants to manifest a change in their life, design a more fulfilling existence, make room for new possibilities or simply gain more clarity about their path to happiness and success. This challenge will especially be of benefit to you if you’ve felt stuck or in a rut during the last year.

How to sign up:

Each participant who signs up for 31 Days to Reset Your Life will commit to doing each of the daily exercises.

Step 1:

You will need to SIGN UP HERE so you can be notified of each of the daily assignments. This is the MOST IMPORTANT STEP, otherwise you will NOT receive any of my challenge blog posts in your inbox. Once you enter and CONFIRM your email address, you will automatically receive a daily email. The emails will be sent to you every day for 31 days, starting immediately. So if you don’t want to start until May 1, wait until then to sign up! Each email will contain an exercise or assignment designed to provoke reflection and planning. Each email will also contain a link back to my blog where you can comment and connect with other 31 Day Reset participants. This way, you get a daily reminder to complete the exercise and share your learnings with the group!

Step 2:

One of the best things about participating in a challenge is the accountability and support, so in addition to signing up, please add your name, blog link, and Twitter handle (if you have one) in the comments below so that we can keep tabs on your progress throughout the month. As soon as you sign up, you will receive your first assignment and you can get started on right away, whenever you choose to begin!

How to participate:

As you complete each of the daily exercise, blog about the results (if some of the exercises don’t really apply to you, no worries). Note: If you decide to blog along, tag your posts with the tag “31dayreset” to make them easier to share with us.

If you don’t want to write about the challenge on your blog, you can still participate in a few other ways:

• Follow along with the daily exercises and let us know how you apply them in the comments of each of the posts here on Happy Black Woman
• Comment on the blog posts written by the other challenge participants – be sure to leave your own insights, suggestions and tips on the topics covered and share with us what you’re learning
• Post your updates and learnings on Twitter using the hashtag #31dayreset (and follow me @happyblackwoman)
• Join the Happy Black Woman Facebook community where you can post your insights and comment within the Facebook platform

P.S. Don’t forget to SIGN UP HERE so you can be notified of each of the daily assignments. Again, this is the most important step, otherwise you will NOT receive any of my challenge blog posts in your inbox and you will have to manage this process on your own.

P.P.S. Don’t forget to come over and join The Happy Black Woman Facebook Community if you haven’t already so you can get even more encouragement throughout the month! If you’re on Twitter, follow me @happyblackwoman to get updates there, too.

Want All the 31 Day Reset Exercises in One Place?

The Reset Workbook contains all 31 daily assignments in one place as well as 28 printable worksheets to supplement the material and help you complete the daily exercises. The workbook is 60 pages long and comes in an electronic, ebook format.

For those who may wish to go at their own pace, this workbook allows you to have all the assignments at your fingertips in addition to the opportunity to connect with others who are doing the 31 Day Reset program here on the blog. There are also a few bonuses, like the full version of the Life Mapping Workbook with a video training!

Buy the workbook here.

This is the hotel room I stayed in last week when I went to Harrisonburg, VA to teach a social media workshop at a nonprofit conference. It was at the Fairfield Inn. Nothing too glamorous. But then, hotels don’t have to be extra fancy for me to enjoy them. I love them all, really – from the Holiday Inn to the W. I love the whole process of checking in, getting warm cookies (at the Doubletree); sleeping on (hopefully) crisp, clean sheets; getting to watch the Food Network for a few hours; having someone else clean the bathroom; sipping hot tea in my room; looking out the window when I have a great view; hanging out in the jacuzzi (if they have one); eating the free breakfast (if they have one); scheduling a wake up call so I don’t oversleep, getting restaurant recommendations from the concierge or ordering room service that I get to charge to the client (at a reasonable cost, of course!).

So, clearly, professional speaking is what allows me to feed my obsession with hotels LOL. Someone asked if the travel thing gets difficult for me and the answer is mostly no. I love exploring unfamiliar places, even when it’s somewhere like Omaha, Nebraska where I was invited last year for a keynote speech.

Anyway, as a follow up to my post, Four Steps to Becoming a Professional Speaker, I wanted to share some more specifics on how you might go about actually charging money for your speaking services.

What kinds of speaking can you get paid for?

Keep in mind that there are all different kinds of speaking that you can do.

• Keynote speeches at big conferences
• Motivational speeches for youth groups, women’s organizations or churches
• Group training or workshops for employees at various companies
• Breakout sessions at industry conferences
• Webinars or other online training for organizations
• Half-day or full-day trainings for various companies

Obviously, if you want to get paid to speak, all of those options should come with a fee. The good thing is that the list of speaking you might charge for is varied and can be profitable in numerous ways, especially if you are well-known in a particular industry.

How much money should you charge for speaking?

This is a question that, unfortunately, has no clear cut answer. Across industries, there is no “standard” speaking fee. It really depends on whether you have people coming to you or if you are pounding the pavement right now looking for opportunities. When you’re in demand, you have the upper hand! As an extreme example, super famous motivational speakers like Tony Robbins or Les Brown can earn tens of thousands of dollars for just one speech. In my (very unscientific) research of semi-famous speakers who get booked through speakers bureaus, the average speaker charges about $5,000.

A few questions to consider when determining your fee:

• What is the organization’s budget? This is usually the first question you should ask if you do not yet have a set fee. Your stated fee should not vary wildly though, as organizations tend to talk to each other about costs, especially if they are giving you a referral!
• How long will your speech, workshop or training be? The longer it is, the more you’ll want to charge. There should be a significant difference between a 60 minute workshop and a 6 hour training because it takes you longer to prepare and deliver.

How much I charge

My goal with Happy Black Woman is to be able to offer information and inspiration from my own experience, so I will share my actual rates here in the hopes that they will help you see what range might fit for your work. When I first started speaking professionally in 2008, I charged $400-$500 for everything. I didn’t even know I was supposed to charge the client for my travel expenses! So I was making very little profit from my speaking back then LOL.

Now, my fees range from $1,000 for a 90-minute workshop or training to $2,000 for a keynote speech, with lower rates for online training and higher rates for full-day in person training. My travel expenses include roundtrip airfare, hotel accommodations, meals, rental car, parking, tolls, etc. and are billed in addition to my fee.

Below is my current fee schedule (this is also posted publicly on my website for potential clients to review) so you can see what I mean:

My speaking engagement fee schedule for 2012

Although my fees may seem like a lot to someone who is just now trying to breaking into professional speaking, I am still a “low budget” speaker compared to most of my older, more experienced, superstar famous peers in this industry.

But I suppose you could say that for my sub-industry (the nonprofit field, where money is usually tight for organizations), my fee is fairly high. For this reason, some groups are not able to work with me and I am OK with that.

What factors should you consider when thinking about charging for speaking?

• Who do you want to serve with the gift of your speaking? Most of us get into speaking because we have a message to share or valuable information to teach. I would love to work with more women’s groups, especially black women’s organizations or conferences, but those are not always the audiences who are able to pay my fee. I still do (some) pro-bono speaking if it is in line with my personal mission statement, but I have to stay on target with my income goals as well. Just keep in mind that the people you want to serve may not always be able to pay you, so you may need to adjust your fee schedule to reflect that.
• What do you have to offer as a speaker? Is your information in high demand? Is your personal story unique and inspirational to your ideal audience? Do you have a “signature talk” that you give often that you know will be a hit for certain events? Are you able to provide concrete takeaways for attendees that will help them move forward in their personal or professional lives?
• Who is your ideal client? Someone has to cut the check! If it is churches, most of them will not be able to pay you very much unless they are a larger congregation with deep pockets for that kind of thing. If it is large corporations, they will typically have a much bigger budget for speakers and trainers.

In short, figure out what you have to offer, what sort of groups you want to work with and what THAT market will bear. My market in 2012 is different (larger) than it was in 2008. More people know who I am in the nonprofit field now. People have seen me speak in places all over the country and in Canada. My big goal now is to continue to expand the types of organizations I work with as well as branch out internationally, which would be an awesome way to further combine my love of speaking with my love of travel.

If speaking is a service you offer (or want to offer) in your business, how much are you charging (or want to be charging)? How will you attract the kind of clients who are willing and able to pay?

This is me in Baltimore last month.

It’s been almost eight months since I gave up my apartment in DC to save money for travel. What’s really happened in that time is that I’ve learned a ton about myself – who I really am and who I really want to be. At this point in my journey, I thought it might be helpful to post a brief timeline for those who are new to the blog and my experience exploring location independence - the ability to live and work anywhere.

• In August 2011, I ended my apartment lease in DC. I gave away, donated or threw out most of my things, including all of my furniture (of which I had little anyway).
• From August – November 2011 I rented a room in Lorton, Virginia (a suburb in Northern Virginia) for $600 a month. I found the room on Craigslist. This was my first time living with anyone else in years. It was weird having a roommate/landlord after living alone in my own place for so long, but I got used to it (and her cat) after a while. I had full-house privileges here: kitchen, laundry, wi-fi and cable.
• From late November to late December 2011, I lived in Honolulu, Hawaii. I stayed at the YMCA for $250 a week. I loved my time on the island, but I missed being able to just drive to go see my mom or hang out with friends in DC. I think this is the first moment when I started to realize that long-term travel may not be for me. If one month in tropical paradise makes me that homesick, then a months-long backpacking trip will probably be really depressing.
• When I came back from Hawaii, I went to visit my family in Tampa, Florida for the holidays at the end of December 2011. Going to the beach in the winter is something I want to be able to do every year!
• When we came back from Florida, I stayed with my mom and her hubby for two weeks until I decided to make my next move to Baltimore. Why? I wanted to stay close to family for a while and save a little money, too.
• From mid-January to mid-March 2012, I rented a room in a townhouse in Bolton Hill, a beautiful historic neighborhood in Baltimore. It was $450 a month with limited house privileges (kitchen and wi-fi but no laundry or cable). I’d fallen in love with it after seeing it on Airbnb (referral link).
• Since mid-March, I’ve been renting a room in a house in Charlottesville, Virginia (about an hour from Richmond). I found it on Airbnb for $800 a month with full-house privileges (except cable – there are no TVs anywhere in the house). My host is an artist/designer and I love the beautiful style and convenient location of her home. Right now, I plan to be here through mid-May.

The sun setting on my first night in Honolulu, November 2o11.

Marukame Udon – this was my absolute favorite place to eat in Honolulu. You could get a bowl of udon (thick noodle soup made with fish broth) for about $4. I must’ve eaten here about a dozen times over the course of the month.

Holiday hula in Honolulu. With half-naked hotties. (I know you love my alliteration LOL!)

Can’t forget these lovely ladies. Hula girls take their dancing seriously, I tell you.

My Hawaii trip came to an end with a fun “tweetup” with two ladies I met in person from Twitter! One lives in Honolulu and the other was visiting from Kenya. What a small digital world we are living in.

I spent Christmas in Tampa, Florida with my family. This is the balcony of the condo my mom rented out near the water. We played Taboo, ate lots of sweet potato pie and hung out at the beach. It was a great way to close out the year, right before my 29th birthday, of course.

The townhouse I stayed at in Baltimore. At $450 a month, it was the best deal I’ve seen so far in terms of flexible housing for that price in such a great location.

My room in Baltimore. It was very bare, really just an Ikea bed, my yoga mat, plus my clothing and toiletries.

XS – my favorite restaurant in Baltimore. It was my “office” at least a few times a week. I would go in the morning and set up shop until late afternoon.

I ate a lot of french toast at XS while working on my laptop – writing blog posts, booking speaking clients. Also sushi! They have the best sushi.

Lexington Market in Baltimore. A fun place with lots of character (and characters!). Like this sign…

I ate the best crab cakes of my entire life at Faidley’s Seafood. Nothing will ever compare, I’m sure of it.

I hung out with my sister for the first time in over a month when she came to hang out with me in Baltimore for brunch at Blue Moon Cafe. We ate Captain Crunch french toast and something called a Sweet Baby Jesus that consisted of hashbrowns topped with eggs, fresh crabmeat and tomatoes. Divine!

In Baltimore, I rediscovered my need for quiet beauty and fell in love with the botanical gardens.

This is the room I’m renting in Charlottesville, Virginia.

In Charlottesville, I’ve been enjoying the wine and literary culture they have here. It’s definitely a beautiful and inspiring place to be in the spring!

What I’ve Learned About Location Independence

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through this journey is the impact of my business on my ability to travel. I’ll write more about that later, but in short – being a professional speaker means that I do have to be in certain places at certain times. Being near an airport is super important and knowing which airport, exactly I’ll be near has proven to be critical for conference organizers who often have to book my flight way in advance. So, there are definitely limitations to being fully location independent with the way my current business model is set up. If I wanted to have even more control about where I live, I would need to increase my non-speaking income from clients and customers, i.e. from my books, advertising/affiliate marketing and online training courses.

Where to Next?

The big question, of course, is where to next? I am open to the possibility of living in New Orleans and/or Portland during June-July. With either plan though, there are a few wrinkles, like my upcoming speaking engagements and that I’ll probably have to give up my car again for a while. On the international front, I’m planning to get to Italy in August (and maybe Greece, Spain and/or Thailand, too!) for about a month, which would only be my second-ever trip to Europe!

Beyond that, I just plan to keep writing and working and paying attention, wherever I am. I hope you’re allowing yourself to enjoy all the possibilities of spring, wherever you are.

“A year from now you will wish you had started today.” – Karen Lamb

Every success story has to begin somewhere. Whether your goal is to lose weight or start your own business or travel the world or find a new love, at some point you have to take the first step.

You have to start.

But sometimes we confuse energy with action. Just because you’ve devoted a lot of thought and conversation into starting, doesn’t mean you’ve actually started.

Starting is indicated by visible, measurable action.

Starting looks like:

• joining Weight Watchers or hiring a personal trainer
• opening up a business checking account or setting up a professional website
• posting a profile on an online dating site or going to a singles event in your city
• setting up an automatic savings transfer to a “travel fund” every month or getting a passport

Starting does not look like:

• talking to your family and friends about starting
• reading a million books and blogs about how to start
• tweeting about how much you want to start
• promising yourself (for the 11th time) that you’re going to start tomorrow

Starting is starting. And if you’re waiting until all the conditions are perfect to start, then you never will.

Have you started yet?

If not, what is the simplest single action you can take today to GET started?

Yesterday on the Happy Black Woman Facebook community, someone asked me where I find my speaking engagements. (Speaking at conferences is a low-volume, high-price service that makes up the bulk of my income most months.) My response was that they find me! I’ve been speaking professionally since 2008 (when I got my first paid gig) and most of my clients just come to me through the various marketing channels I’ve cultivated over the years. Now I know that generic answer is not very helpful to you if you want to start getting paid as a speaker, so I’ll break down a few of the steps I think are important to the process.

Be Clear on Your Speaking Topic(s)

I know that many ladies here say they they want to be a “motivational speaker.” OK, that’s cool, but what, exactly, are you going to be talking about that will motivate people? What are your speaking topics and how will they benefit your audience? It helps to be able to share as much information as possible about your speaking content with event organizers who are considering whether to hire you. For example, in my work, I speak mainly about nonprofits, leadership, social media and personal development. I also give workshops and trainings based on my expertise, experience and education in those areas. I lay this all out prominently on the speaking page on my website. Speaking of websites…

Get a Professional-Looking Website

No, it doesn’t have to be expensive or fancy to be professional! I am using a self-hosted Wordpress blog at rosettathurman.com as my website to promote myself as a speaker. I recently redesigned my blog myself using Bluehost (affiliate link for my web host) and the (in)SPYR Theme from Studiopress (affiliate links) that allowed me to highlight my speaking services more prominently. My website looks professional and it tells conference organizers everything they need to know about me as a potential speaker for their event. This is why I really don’t understand why people balk at the thought of paying to host their blog or buy a premium theme, let alone hire a web designer. If your website can pull in paying clients every month, isn’t that worth it to you? It definitely has been for me! (You can get my free ebook on starting a blog here.)

Refer to Yourself as a Speaker

On your website, social networks and business cards, be sure to state that you are a speaker. If you are currently a coach or author or health professional but you want to start getting speaking opportunities, it’s important to let people know that you are available for them! No one will know what you have to offer unless you tell them. Start referring to yourself as a speaker now, and the opportunities will begin to show up.

Offer to Speak for Free

My very first speaking engagement was as a panelist for an event discussing African American leadership in the nonprofit field. I looked at the current speaker list and realized that there were no young leaders slated to talk about our experiences. So I emailed the conference organizer with a link to my blog and my bio, we followed up with a phone conversation, and they added me to the panel. I prepared and overprepared and gave the best remarks I could. Then, people began to contact me for other speaking opportunities as a result of seeing me on that panel. And guess what? The second speaking engagement after that first one I did for free was actually PAID. So don’t wait for someone to ask you to participate in an event or conference; the first step may be you reaching out to them!

Are you interested in becoming a professional speaker? What questions do you have about the process?

P.S. If you would like to work with me one-on-one on your own roadmap to getting paid as a speaker, I invite you to book a business coaching session with me to start making some progress.