Diary of a lost ATLien

As

2011-01-31T22:46:00.007-06:00

As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May
Just as hate knows love's the cure
You can rest your mind assure
That I'll be loving you always
As now can't reveal the mystery of tomorrow
But in passing will grow older every day
Just as all is born is new
Do know what I say is true
That I'll be loving you always

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky (Always)
Until the ocean covers every mountain high (Always)
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea (Always)
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream

Did you know that true love asks for nothing
Her acceptance is the way we pay
Did you know that life has given love a guarantee
To last through forever and another day
Just as time knew to move on since the beginning
And the seasons know exactly when to change
Just as kindness knows no shame
Know through all your joy and pain
That I'll be loving you always
As today I know I'm living but tomorrow
Could make me the past but that I mustn't fear
For I'll know deep in my mind
The love of me I've left behind Cause I'll be loving you always

Until the day is night and night becomes the day (Always)
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away (Always)
Until the day that 8x8x8 is 4 (ALWAYS)
Until the day that is the day that are no more
Did you know that you're loved by somebody?
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left (ALWAYS)
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself
I'll be loving you forever
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through (Always)
Until the day that you are me and I am you (Always)
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky (Always)

We all know sometimes lifes hates and troubles
Can make you wish you were born in another time and space
But you can bet you life times that and twice its double
That God knew exactly where he wanted you to be placed
so make sure when you say you're in it but not of it
You're not helping to make this earth a place sometimes called Hell
Change your words into truths and then change that truth into love
And maybe our children's grandchildren
And their great-great grandchildren will tell
I'll be loving you

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky - Loving you
Until the ocean covers every mountain high - Loving you
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea - Loving you
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream - Be loving you
Until the day is night and night becomes the day - Loving you
Until the trees and seas up, up and fly away - Loving you
Until the day that 8x8x8x8 is 4 - Loving you
Until the day that is the day that are no more - Loving you
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left - Be loving you
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself - Loving you
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through - Loving you
Until the day that you are me and I am you...
Now ain't that loving you

"As" - Stevie Wonder

Happy New Year to all three of you that read this. Just looking at the last minutes of January and realized I hadn't written anything all year... As predicted 2011 would start off a busy one... started things off with closing things off with my old company, and transitioning into another role 2 blocks down the street - an incredible opportunity for me where I have learned a lot in just two weeks (that new paycheck isn't too shabby either!)

Last week I was driving into work and Soultown on Sirius Satellite Radio had me jamming into the job with this classic Stevie Wonder song... had me thinking back to days when it was all so simple... before Nia Long and Taye Diggs had their "moment" in The Best Man, you could find that album being played on South Gordon Street in southwest Atlanta on a Saturday morning... after the cartoons have gone off and it was time to clean up my room and wash clothes, and mop the kitchen floor... Listening to Youngblood talk all over whatever record he was playing... me just trying to hurry up and get things done so I could go outside and ride my bike.

I was talking to a good friend this evening and she was telling me how much she enjoyed her 20s. I tried to sit up and think about what part of my life I enjoyed the most, and to be honest I must say the best time of my life was before I was even 10 years old... didn't have to worry about a light bill, or wonder where my next meal was coming from... and all I had to do was clean up the house a bit? Wash the car? Childs play. Literally.

I hope my newly arrived nephew appreciates how easy he has it right now... when he starts complaining about doing some menial task, send him my way and I will show him what some hard work really is (I already heard my sister yelling out "Hell naw" after reading that last sentence).

Anyway, it's way past my bedtime... until Mother Nature says her work is through...

You Learn

2010-12-14T20:04:00.005-06:00

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

"You Learn" - Alanis Morrisette

Well, 2010 is thankfully coming to a close. If I never have a year like this ever again it will be too soon. At this point, it's time to cut my losses, remain silent, move the f#$k on, and let my life speak for itself as a friend of mine so eloquently put it. So as we move into another year, I reflect for the last time (publicly at least) about what will go down as one of the biggest years of my life. One in which I have truly learned a lot about myself, about people around me, and about life itself.

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

Caring what others think about me has led me to doing a lot of biting off more than I can chew... trying to make sure other people are happy is the fastest way to making yourself unhappy. For the record, that perceived "happiness" as determined by the media, our friends, and our material desires is 100% bullshit. Happiness is what you make it - how you live your life and treat others around you will determine your happiness. If you want to be happy, making others around you miserable is definitely the wrong way to achieve that goal. I was walking through the Minneapolis skyway this week and came across a sign that read, "Happiness is a how, not a what. A talent, not an object." I literally sat in front of the window with this sign and read it at least 10 times. Partially because it was my next tweet, but otherwise because I was blown away by the knowledge in that statement. We spend our lives going on about how we're not happy about this and that, and blaming others for our condition, when it's our own fault for not being happy. At the end of the day, no one else can control your happiness but YOU. I can do nothing but get up and do what I need to do that day. If you're not happy with that, it doesn't change the fact that I still need to do what I need to do that day.

Sooo, as I live and learn... letting loose a lot more is definitely on the menu. 2011 is going to start off with the arrival of my nephew to this world, and he will soon find out how off the chain his uncle truly is! My opinion will not be silenced - and I no longer care what you think. Consider yourself warned.

Since it doesn't look like I'm going to get the Christmas cards out in time, consider this your Seasons Greetings - Please have a safe ending to 2010 and I look forward to seeing all of you on the other side! Thanks for reading and putting up with my ish this year!

Hmmm... "Give It To Me Right" - Really?

2010-11-15T14:34:00.002-06:00

Okay, okay,
He's got my number and
You can't, you can't
Warn me baby here I am
Either you make the time
Or just forget me

I'm not, I'm not
Tryna run your life
That's why, that's why
I'm nobody's wife
But when I want, when I want it
You gotta be ready

I don't want it all the time,
But when I get it,
I better be satisfied
So give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

I don't think you understand,
How real it is for me to find
A man who thinks he can
So give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all
yeah yeah

On time, on time
I expect you to be
Oh my, oh my
Baby in my fantasy
You can't get it right,
Then just forget it

No ways ok
For you to go around
uh uh, today
You better make a touch down
You know what I like,
Won't you accept it

I don't want it all the time,
But when I want it,
You better make me smile
So give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

I don't think you understand,
If you can't please me,
I know someone who can
Give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

This is the real life baby
This is the life that makes me say
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahh

This is the real thing baby
When I'm alone I can make me say
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahh

I don't want it all the time,
But when I want it
You better make me smile
So give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

I don't think you understand,
If you can't please me,
I know someone who can
So give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

Give it to me right
Give it to me right

Give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

Give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

"Give It To Me Right" - Melanie Fiona

I think that I have come to the realization that a certain ex-wife of mine doesn't feel obliged to extend some sort of apology to me for wasting two years of my life, and while it disappoints me to no end, it further demonstrates the type of person she is, and I know that she will reap what she has sown.

Since I already had gone through the trouble of finding the lyrics to this song, I will tell you the background on my connection to it, and why it is now on my list of banned songs.

For starters a year ago, I was coerced into using my frequent flyer miles to go to Seattle and visit a good friend of mine for the weekend (another opportunity for her to screw around with this dude). During the trip, I spent most of the time thinking about her and writing her a long winded letter about how I was sorry things have been going the way they were and a bunch of other crap, but more importantly, while hanging out with my friend and his brother and running around in the streets of Seattle, I was given a couple of opportunities to what I now know to "return the favor". Wanting to honor my marriage and my wife, I chose to do the right thing, and had I not, I would be the one vilified by everyone regardless of if my ex-wife's infidelity had ever come out.

What's the connection with this song, you ask? Sorry, I got off on a tangent... this song was pretty popular on the radio around that time, and my ex seemed to walk around humming it or singing along (let's not get into how well she could sing) whenever the song came on... Personally? I have always thought the song lacked any real character, was a bad representation of the song the main melody was sampled from ("The Time of the Season" by The Zombies), and overall didn't speak well for a beautiful black woman starting her musical career.

Give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all

Really? Outside of that lyric being yet another microcosm of my failed marriage, I would smack my young daughter if I heard her walking around singing that. Another glowing example of our society being over-sexed and relishing in our own instant gratification. If you can't get what you want right now, keep it moving until you find someone else who will. I will be the first to admit that I listen to things far worse on the quality scale musically, but I have learned to maintain the difference between Reality and Reality TV. Rarely have I kept or truly appreciated anything that was given to me without some hard work or sacrifice. If everything is disposable to you, you become disposable yourself. We are all more than what we can provide for others.

No disrespect to Melanie Fiona - at the end of the day, she did what she needed to do to sell records. Fortunately the CD got better after you skip track 1 - "Give It To Me Right" is officially banned.

A Matter of Trust

2010-10-26T03:56:00.006-05:00

Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
And they may not want it to end
But it will, it's just a question of when
I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
'Cause it's always been a matter of trust

I know you're an emotional girl
It took a lot for you to not lose your faith in this world
I can't offer you proof
But you're gonna face a moment of truth
It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed
So break my heart if you must
It's a matter of trust

You can't go the distance
With too much resistance
I know you have doubts
But for God's sake don't shut me out

This time you've got nothing to lose
You can take it, you can leave it, whatever you choose
I won't hold back anything
And I'll walk away a fool or a king
Some love is just a lie of the mind
It's make believe until it's only a matter of time
And some might have learned to adjust
But then it never was a matter of trust

(INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE)

I'm sure you're aware love,
We've both had our share of believing too long
When the whole situation was wrong

Some love is just a lie of the soul
A constant battle for the ultimate state of control
After you've heard lie upon lie
There can hardly be a question of why
Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
But that can't happen to us
'Cause it's always been a matter of trust

It's a matter of trust
It's always been a matter of trust
It's a matter of trust

"A Matter of Trust" - Billy Joel

In the middle of the night I woke up from a dream that I was still married... and helping my wife find a hotel to stay at for her "Girl's Night Out"... and in telling her where she could park for the night realized that she parked in the very same parking ramp that I park in every morning for work for one of her evenings with this married man - and I told her to do it. So now every time I pull into this structure at 517 Marquette Avenue in Downtown Minneapolis pictured below, I will have the honor of knowing my marriage was being dishonored just steps away.

So now, not only do I get to drive by the building that they both work in (and probably had relations in the parking lot or in various rooms on that campus) at the edge of downtown every morning, but I also get to park my car at one of the many scenes of the crime that was a marriage between me and her. I continue to wrap my head around the fact that this woman is someone I once trusted everything with.

It makes me wonder what other deceit did she use to perpetuate this show for 492 days... One of her girlfriends that I learned recently got married made the comment to her that she thought I was gay when we reconnected a few years ago... I wonder if she used that as justification to her friends, coworkers, and family to sleep with a married man with 2 kids. Just exactly how deep is this wound? How far down in the rabbit hole will I fall? How many more random people am I going to run into in the streets of Minneapolis are going to tell me that "Had I known you better I would have told you to leave that chick alone" or "Yeah, that chick is crazy - I just didn't know you well enough to say that" ? Really?

I submit to you that trust is fickle. When I moved here, this woman was upset with me for buying a car that made my monthly payments increase by about $150 a month, but was a brand new car with 0% interest, and got me out of a car that I had in effect been paying the same amount per month when you factor in repairs that had been made over the time I owned it. She said to me that "I am going to have a hard time trusting you again" - and I took that challenge seriously. I just wish I had known that mean I should have been questioning my trust of her as well.

I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
'Cause it's always been a matter of trust

Well, Mr. Joel... I definitely got way to close to the fire this time, and probably should be going to the hospital with these 3rd-degree burns I've gotten from this experience. And once again as of this post, I have yet to receive an apology phone call, email, text, letter, or anything. Lesson learned? First and foremost, I think I need to go find another place to park in Downtown Minneapolis. Second, It's always been a matter of trust - don't be afraid to use it again just because you got screwed over by a selfish, self-centered, egotistical, delusional person that somehow can make committing adultery themselves the other person's fault.

Doin' It Again!

2010-10-18T13:09:00.003-05:00

Rising up out of the flames like a Phoenix
Straining to carry the weight of my brain like a genius
Knowing I'm sowing seeds, let's see whose thumb is the greenest
If I said I mean it, I did it because I need it
Eat, sleep it or bleed it, write it down and then read it
Asphalt to the cement, your trash talk, delete it
I blast off then lay 'em out like a Tempur-Pedic
It's Black Thought, for certain I'ma win eventually
This unsung, underrated, under-appreciated
The one them underachievers had underestimated
Finally graduated, I'm one of the most hated
Something that's so sacred, nobody gon' take it
Face it, I keep doin' it well
Doin' it sans assistance, just do it yourself
Doin' it below the radar, we doin' it stealth
Doin' it again for Illadelph, yo who else?
We gon' do it again!

"Doin' It Again" - The Roots

This time two years ago, I was starting a new job in Minnesota and starting a new life with a woman that I thought was going to be the mother of my children and my partner in crime for the next 100 years... wow, how wrong was I on that one.

Divorced one year later? Yeah right. Married a cheater? Never - I am a great judge of character. WRONG.

For approximately 492 days, I was married to a complete stranger. A stranger that as of this post has felt perfectly content in not apologizing for sleeping with one of her married co-workers for the entire duration of our marriage. A stranger that had no problem making me go to therapy - pitting me as the bad person that was not giving her what she needed in our relationship. A stranger that had me going to this man's house to party and watch boxing matches. A stranger that told me on our 6-month anniversary that she "was not attracted" to me anymore. A stranger that could not stay with me and my family at my grandmother's funeral because she needed to get back to have an evening alone with her co-worker.

A stranger that simply has no idea how much I loved her at one time. A stranger that apparently didn't appreciate the fact that I walked away from a house that I put over $30,000 into only to allow it to be foreclosed on so that I could pay for more household bills - so she would have more money for hotel visits since I wasn't going out of town enough for them to come back to the house and and have sex in the bed we shared.

A stranger that is either a great actress or entirely screwed up in the head enough to put a guilt trip on me for being on a dating website after we have been separated for 2 months. A stranger that has spent the last two years telling me about my shortcomings and refusing to show any kind of affection yet expected me to be any and everything to her. A stranger that once you get to know her turns out to be a total hypocrite. A stranger that allows me to find out that our marriage was a complete sham on my 34th birthday.

Which brings me to today. I can't imagine being beat on any more than I have been by this woman. I honestly don't think I have the imagination it takes to have come up with this story that has become my life over the past two years. As the lyrics to this song said... and like my hometown that rose from the ashes after General Sherman marched through there back in the 1860's... it's time for your boy to rise. Unlike my ex-wife, I have been sowing seeds of love, honesty, and genuineness.

This unsung, underrated, under-appreciated... The one them underachievers had underestimated - the last week I have spent on the road between Minnesota, North Carolina, and Atlanta I can't tell you how many times I replayed this track and listened to these words... and laugh. I truly wonder if that woman has any idea what she has done by setting these chain of events. In the short term, I would be lying out of my ass if I said that I don't have any ill wishes and feelings towards her. However in the long term I know that isn't healthy and will keep me from getting with where I need to be.

I would love to say that this will be the last post about this topic, but it probably won't. I am tired of dealing with people (myself included) that run away at the first sign of trouble (into the arms of another man is even worse). This has done nothing but prove that even marriage can be temporary - it is certainly proven that marriage is what you put into it. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I was putting into it that created this storyline... but I guess those lessons will remain to be presented to me when I am ready to receive them.

Let's do it again!

Who's gonna drive you home tonight?

2010-09-25T08:33:00.005-05:00

Who's gonna tell you when... It's too late

Who's gonna tell you things... Aren't so great

You can't go on

Thinking nothing's wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna pick you up... When you fall

Who's gonna hang it up... When you call

Who's gonna pay attention... To your dreams

Who's gonna plug their ears... When you scream

You can't go on

Thinking nothing's wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna hold you down... When you shake

Who's gonna come around... When you break

You can't go on

Thinking nothing's wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

"Drive" - The Cars

Today marks the day that I return to life as a single man - a day that I never thought I would see... Certainly not 492 days after I stood in that church and said those vows to her. The days of analyzing, trying to figure out what went wrong, and whatever else are over - time to shake hands and move on.

If there is anything that I am going to wonder, it is this:

Who that person is that will fulfill her needs... keep her satisfied, keep her happy.

Certainly no easy task - I am living proof of someone who tried and didn't fair so well.

One day sooner or later I will get back some sense of a normal life without thinking about you, and maybe we can truly be those friends that you say you want us to be.

In the meantime, I truly hope you find someone to drive you home.

I'm officially in another car now.

Nothing Left to Say

2010-08-22T12:23:00.004-05:00

When I first heard this song, I thought it was another great song by a group I have come to love over the years. Today as I have realized that I will be soon joining the ranks of the failed marriage statistics in this country, Pandora continues to amaze me playing this song... reminds me of the old Tom Joyner bit "Howdoitknow"... I was brought to tears listening to the words as they almost seemed as if someone was following us around and writing a song about our relationship.

I truly hoped and prayed that our marriage would be able to get past our issues with each other and grow into a thriving relationship. Now that it has become apparent that one has become two again it is my hope that all of our well-wishers for us when we started our life together will remain as enthusiastic as we end our life together.

Other than that, there's nothing left to say.

Love was so strong
At least at the beginning
Who wouldve thought
There'd ever be an ending
We had it all
But it's like we've run into a wall

Now we try to talk
But just end up fighting
Try making up
But there's just no denying
Just ain't the same no more
What are we putting ourselves through all this for

You talk and hear me
But you can't communicate
Cause you're not listening
Know these are two different things
Now I see what it means to have been
Blinded by the one you love so deeply
Cause,

The very things that made me love you
Are the things pushing me away now
In tears we stand here
With nothing left to say

And all I could do for you
I should've done before now
In tears we stand here
There's nothing, nothing left to say

You touched my heart
And were so givin
Spirit so free
You threw me in it
I fell so deep
I could not see my life
Without you in it

Girl you gave me
A lot of attention
Somehow the feeling turned
Into crazy possessive
It was always there
But I didn't look deeper
If I would've I'da seen the limits

You talk and hear me
But you can't communicate
Cause you're not listening
Know these are two different things
Now I see what it means to have been
Blinded by the one you love so deeply

I had my pride girl
And you had your pain
So deep inside you
Wanted to have your say
Irritated, frustrated and third baby
This is so confusing
Girl I though this was the one thing for sure

The very things that made me love you
Are the things pushing me away now
In tears we stand here
With nothing left to say

And all I could do for you
I should've done before now
In tears we stand here
There's nothing left to say

Nothing

Nothing

Wish I had more words
To try and encourage
Us to find a way
Cause there's nothing left to say

The very things that made me love you
Are the things pushing me away now
In tears we stand here
With nothing left to say

And all I could do for you
I should've done before now
In tears we stand here
There's nothing left to say

Things that made me love you
Are the things pushing me away now
In tears we stand here
With nothing left to say

And all I could do for you
I should've done before now
In tears we stand here
There's nothing left to say

Baby, there's nothing left to say

Consider yourself free...

2010-08-22T01:05:00.003-05:00

Dedicated to you know who.

Free, free, set them free

Free, free, set them free
Free, free, set them free

If you need somebody
Call my name
If you want someone
You can do the same
If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
If you want to hold onto your possession
Don't even think about me

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

If it's a mirror you want
Just look into my eyes
Or a whipping boy
Someone to despise
Or a prisoner in the dark
Tied up in chains you just can't see
Or a beast in a gilded cage
That's all some people ever want to be

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

You can't control an independent heart
Can't tear the one you love apart
Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live
We can't live here and be happy with less
So many riches
So many souls
With everything we see that we want to possess

If you need somebody
Call my name
If you want someone
You can do the same
If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
You want to hold onto your possession
Don't even think about me

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

Perception vs. Reality

2010-08-06T14:26:00.000-05:00

One of the many truths that my father drilled into my head as a young child was the fact that your perception becomes your reality. Back in elementary school, I had no idea how profound that statement would be in my life years later. Time and time again, my perceptions about life, career, and friends have impacted me for better and for worse.

Your perception about things in your life affects you in countless ways – and turns into a snowball rolling down a hill if left unchecked. As that snowball gets bigger, it collects more of the same. If your perception of the world is that your voice, your time, and your efforts don’t matter, then your reality will be just that – an uninspired, complacent life that in the grand scheme of things doesn’t matter.

Personally, that’s not the life I want to live. The next great idea starts with one person – that person must have a positive perception so their ideas can become reality.

Insanity

2010-02-01T23:54:00.003-06:00

I did my best
But I guess my best wasn't good enough
Cause here we are
Back where we were before
Seems nothin' ever changes
We're back to being strangers
Wondering if we ought to stay
Or head on out the door

Just once...

Can't we figure out what we keep doin' wrong
Why we never last for very long
What are we doin' wrong

Just once...

Can't we find a way to finally make it right
To make the magic last for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it
(Hmm hmmmm)

I was looking up a definition of the word "insanity" and couldn't find the best definition I've ever heard - "to do something over and over again expecting a different result". I am starting to wonder if I am indeed insane. Why, you ask? Well, I think I might be insane because I am a victim of instant gratification. Maybe we all are insane to an extent. Hopefully my case isn't as bad since I have been able to recognize what's going on.

I gave my all
But I think my all may have been too much
Cause Lord knows we're not gettin' anywhere
Seems we're always blowin'
Whatever we've got goin'
And it seems at times with all we've got
We haven't got a prayer

Just once...

Can't we figure out what we keep doin' wrong
Why the good times never last for long
Where are we goin' wrong

Just once...

Can't we find a way to finally make it right
To make the magic last for more than just one night
I know we could break through it
If we could just get to it

(Bridge)
Just once
I want to understand.....
Why it always comes back to goodbye
Why
Can't we get ourselves in hand
And admit to one another
We're no good without each other
Take the best and make it better
Find a way to stay together

Just once.....

"Just Once" - Quincy Jones featuring James Ingram

What exactly is your best? If you have given your best to everything you do in life and you still aren't getting where you think you should be, then what does that mean? Isn't there some reserve tank we all sit aside and reserve for that special moment? Why are we saving it? What purpose does it serve besides to remind yourself that you could have done more - especially when you didn't get the desired result. Does that make you insane?

The one constant in life is change. For the good, for the bad, whether we like it or not, things are going to change. How we react to that change is what defines our lives and our legacy in the world. I am sure that I could have made better decisions in my past when those moments of change have come my way, but since I am still here to talk about it, those decisions must not have been that bad. To not embrace change is truly insane.

Just once, I wish that my best was truly everything I have in the tank, and when the time comes to use it, my best will be welcomed with open arms and I won't allow my insanity to take over and hold me back from those goals in life that I am truly ready to move on to.

Call it a Lesson Learned

2008-09-07T01:19:00.003-05:00

Yes, I was burned but I call it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned but I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned so I call it lesson learned
Another lesson learned

- "Lesson Learned" by Alicia Keys

First off, let me apologize to those that were actually reading this on a regular basis… I have been going through a lot of things since my last post in which I was moving to Minnesota – some bad, but most of it very good.

My point in writing today isn't to harp about what I have been doing over the past few months – well, not on purpose, at least.

Recently, I have found myself thinking about the past few years – whom I chose to associate with, whom I chose to date, the choices I made in my career… just to name a few topics. Some of those people I decided that I no longer needed to associate with, and some people decided that they no longer wanted to associate with me. Since I recently got engaged, the reaction to that news from certain people has been interesting to say the least.

Those same reactions have made me look back at how I reacted to some people when they told me they were getting married. I was downright nasty to a few people, and now that I understand where they were at that moment, I honestly feel terrible. The day I proposed to my fiancé was one of the most exciting, emotion-filled days I have ever had in my life, and anyone questioning that decision or trying to detract from that feeling (whether done intentionally or not) honestly made me wonder if I needed to stop associating with more people. I am surprised that the people I reacted negatively towards even speak to me now.

"It is easier to forgive and enemy than it is to forgive a friend." – William Blake

This quote has resonated with me for a while – It is so true because when someone close to you betrays you, you are left in your most vulnerable state because you have let your guard down to them. Betrayal is an expectation of your enemy. You are prepared for it. You are keeping on the lookout for it. You are holding your breath in anticipation of it.

That is the last thing you expect someone you consider a friend or a significant other to do. Take advantage of you at your most vulnerable – most comfortable moment. How do you allow someone into that inner circle again once that level of trust is lost? I still don't have the answer to that question, and honestly wonder if I will ever figure it out.

A Life perfect ain't perfect if you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down if you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's call the past cause I'm getting past and I ain't nothing like I was before
You oughta see me now

Some more wonderful words from Alicia Keys. I look at where I am now – and what I have discovered is that all we are doing in life is preparing for the next friendship, next job, next moment that will continue to define who you are. The internships and various jobs I have had may add up to 4 pages, but all of that experience was necessary to get me to the place where I am now, and understand where I now want to position myself. The women I have dated in the past have helped me to understand that I should never compromise on what I wanted in a wife. Everyone that has shaped the story that is my life I owe a huge thanks.

Those experiences that have made me mad, made me cry, made me laugh, and most importantly, made me think are indeed the experiences that let me know that I am ready to take the next step.

In the past, I was of the opinion that I needed to have all of my ducks in a row before I took on anyone else's ducks, but the problem is every time you line up your ducks, another one comes along and screws everything up.

At some point, everything comes together and you realize what you want, and then the Creator will lead you to those things – you ultimately have to take that leap of faith and understand that everything that has happened to you in the past is in the past and you went through it and are stronger because of it.

Call it a lesson learned.

2008-06-02T18:41:00.000-05:00

Lies... lies... using lies as alibis
Lies... lies... just a devil in disguise

It's the same game
Played in so many ways
Everyone is the victim too
It's just a waste of time
Made for simple minds
So why do people insist on lies

I'll give my life a different way
Refuse to let myself become a victim
Getting caught you in a vicious web of lies, they can hurt you (lies)
And destroy you, you watch out for lies, just a devil in disguise

Chorus

The nations leaders as well as teachers
Practice lies as a way of life (yes they do)
So think before you speak
Cause what you sow you reap

The truth will always come to light
Will we ever learn one day
That telling lies always bring to matters
Misery and sometimes pain

Chorus x4

Rap
Lies and deceit
Yes its running real rampant
Communities suffering, yo I cant stand it
When we think of lies we tend to think of politicians
But what about the husband whos on a mission
Lying to his wife so he can get it on and get some
Coming back home with a dumb expression
Written on a face that hes guilty as a criminal
Its time to change your attitude
People do you hear me, don't listen
To a funky rhyme thats kickin' knowledge that we need
We lie about our hair
And we know we got a weave
Politicians lie about the things they're gonna do
And everybody's tale affects me and you
A smoker lies about the money that he stole
And a dope dealer never tells you how he got his gold
I guess what Debbie T. is really trying to say
When you break it all down were all the same

I'll live my life a different way
Refuse to let myself be caught up
In a vicious web of lies...

"Lies" - EnVogue

It never ceases to amaze me how people feel like they need to impress me or gain acceptance from me by being dishonest. Do I appear so much larger than life to people that they have to misrepresent themselves to the point of incredulity? Sure, we all have things about ourselves that we don't want to be public knowledge, but let's be real for a moment.

The second you start lying, it becomes a never-ending cycle until you 'fess up or get caught. Maybe there should be a required ethics class starting back in middle school... you know people aren't finishing High School these days, so you need to get it in a bit earlier. What exactly does one gain out of lying anyway? Does it support your delusion of grandeur? Does it make you think someone will trust you more? Is that trust based on your lie supposed to just keep on rolling when you're caught in that lie? Should you be offended when you are on the opposite end of the lie?

To me, it's simply too much to have to think about. I really don't have time to keep up with what I told who, etc... it's not worth it. It's not even worth my time anymore to sit down and recount the most recent tales - but suffice it to say that I'm tired of the crap. BE HONEST PEOPLE!!!

...and by the way, they should have never let Dawn leave the group.

That Midnight Train to Georgia

2008-02-21T21:50:00.001-06:00

LA proved too much for the man
(Too much for the man, he couldn't make it)
So he's leaving the life he's come to know
(He said he's going)
He said he's going back to find
(Going back to find)
Ooh, What's left of his world
The world he left behind… not so long ago

He's leaving
(Leaving)
On that midnight train to Georgia
(Leaving on a midnight train)
Said he's going back
(Going back to find)
To find a simpler place and time
(Whenever he takes that ride, guess who's gonna be right by his side)
I'll be with him
(I know you will)
On that midnight train to Georgia
(Leaving on a midnight train to Georgia, woo woo)
I'd rather live in his world
(Live in his world)
Than live without him in mine
(World, world, is his and hers alone)

He kept dreaming
(Dreaming)
That some day he'd be a star
(Superstar, but he didn't get far)
But he sure found out the hard way,
That dreams don't always come true
(Dreams don't always come true, uh huh, no, uh huh)
So he pawned all his hopes
(Ooh, ooh, ooh ooh)
And even sold his old car
(Woo, woo, woo)
For a one way ticket back to the life he once knew
Oh yes he did, he said he would

He's leaving
(Leaving)
On that midnight train to Georgia
(Leaving on a midnight train)
Yeah, said he's going back to find
(Going back to find)
A simpler place and time
(Whenever he takes that ride, guess who's gonna be right by his side)
I'll be with him
(I know you will)
On that midnight train to Georgia
(Leaving on that midnight train to Georgia, woo woo)
I'd rather live in his world,
(Live in his world)
Than live without him in mine
(World, world, it's his and hers alone)

He's leaving
(Leaving)
On the midnight train to Georgia
(Leaving on the midnight train to)
Said he's going back to find
(Going back to find)
A simpler place and time
(Whenever he takes that ride, guess who's gonna be right by his side)
I've got to be with him
(I know you will)
On that midnight train to Georgia
(Leaving on a midnight train to Georgia, woo woo)
I'd rather live in his world,
(Live in his world)
Than live without him in mine
(World, world it's his, his and hers alone)

My love, gonna board the midnight train to Georgia (x3)

My world, his world, our world, mine and his alone (x2)

I've got to go (x5)

My world, his world, my man, his girl

" Midnight Train to Georgia" – Gladys Knight and The Pips

By far one of my favorite songs of all time – not just because it has my home state in the name. Growing up, I merely knew it as just another song by Gladys Knight and The Pips, with an occasional cross-reference to one Mia Herndon that I went to Elementary School with and claimed to be a cousin of Gladys.

My relationship with this song changed in May of 1996, when I completed my 2^nd year at North Carolina A&T – I don't dare call it my sophomore year since it took me damn near ten years to graduate from that place. After that year, I decided that out-of-state tuition, a car note, and rent among other things were all just too much for me to deal with. I accepted an internship in Minnesota, and in doing that, I also decided that I needed to attend a school back home in Georgia since it would be cheaper. My time in Greensboro had come to an end, and it ended on a sour note in my opinion. Driving a U-Haul home to take my furniture and various items not going to Minnesota (basically what wouldn't fit in my car) was probably one of the most emotional experiences I had gone through at a young age 18. During that drive, I had only the radio to entertain me – and during that 5-6 hour drive, "Midnight Train to Georgia" was played on the radio on at least 4 separate occasions. It's not like I had a cell phone to call in and request it either – I heard it in Greensboro as I left town, again in Charlotte, Columbia, SC (stopped to see my uncle), and just outside of Augusta, GA.

Remember Keenen Ivory Wayans popping up yelling "MESSAGE!" at certain points in the movie "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka"? That's basically what I kept on thinking – and for whatever reason I simply couldn't change the radio station. I'm man enough to even admit that I pretty much got all watery in the eyes each time that song played – still do even to this day.

So from that point on, while "Midnight Train" is by far one of my favorite songs of all time, it is bittersweet. I have to reference the song with my failure. Greensboro, North Carolina was too much for me – what the hell would happen if I actually went to LA?

I find myself at another crossroads – one which will take me away from my comfort zone that is Georgia, and the drums and horns that start this song play in my head at some point every day. What if I make a wrong move? I'm not 18 anymore, and bouncing back from a wrong decision will certainly not be as easy. Fortunately I do not have anyone depending on me to eat or for clothes or anything like that, but I'm sure it's down the road. I won't be able to simply sell my car and buy a ticket back home anymore. This decision feels just as important if not more important than my choice of college(s) was years ago.

While I know that I have a support system there waiting for me, there is still that ounce of doubt in the back of my head that makes me want to retreat back to my comfort zone. On the other side, I know that complacency can only take you so far. My plans to venture out on my own business this year came to an abrupt end before it even had a chance to take off. So here I am now moving to Minneapolis again – taking a chance on a small growing company with loads of potential for the future, but leaving a stable, but growing opportunity that I have enjoyed for the past three years.

Let me not forget that I am moving also to be closer to someone that I rediscovered on one of my recent visits. She has been a voice of reason throughout some of the craziness that I have been going through over the past few months, and if there is anything I am looking forward to its spending more time with her.

So my friends, I am posting my last blog as a physical resident of my fair hometown of Atlanta, Georgia. My next post will be from the Twin Cities of Minnesota – one of my homes away from home. I look forward to the adventure that awaits me!

*Note* The volume on this video starts up a bit loud – you might want to turn down the volume in the beginning.

Yes We Can!

2008-02-04T08:55:00.000-06:00

No words necessary - just go to www.dipdive.com and you will start saying it too.

Sign O' The Times

2007-10-04T22:31:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah
In France a skinny man
Died of a big disease with a little name
By chance his girlfriend came across a needle
And soon she did the same
At home there are seventeen-year-old boys
And their idea of fun
Is being in a gang called The Disciples
High on crack, totin' a machine gun

Time, time

Hurricane Annie ripped the ceiling off a church
And killed everyone inside
U turn on the telly and every other story
Is tellin' U somebody died
Sister killed her baby cuz she could afford 2 feed it
And yet we're sending people 2 the moon
In September my cousin tried reefer 4 the very first time
Now he's doing horse, it's June

Times, times

It's silly, no?
When a rocket ship explodes
And everybody still wants 2 fly
Some say a man ain't happy
Unless a man truly dies
Oh why
Time, time

Baby make a speech, Star Wars fly
Neighbors just shine it on
But if a night falls and a bomb falls
Will anybody see the dawn
Time, times

It's silly, no?
When a rocket blows
And everybody still wants 2 fly
Some say a man ain't happy, truly
Until a man truly dies
Oh why, oh why, Sign O the Times

Time, time

Sign O the Times mess with your mind
Hurry before it's 2 late
Let's fall in love, get married, have a baby
We'll call him Nate... if it's a boy

Time, time

Time, time

"Sign O' The Times" - Prince

I read somewhere that all of the lyrics to this song were written based on the news in one newspaper... I tried nosing around the Internet one boring afternoon years ago to see if I could find that paper to no avail. Nevertheless, it's amazing how this song is as relevant today as it was when it was released back in the Summer of 1987 - right before I turned 11.

As I enter my 31st year, the reflection has come rushing to me over the past few days as I ponder how I have lived my life and how I have so much more to live for. How I have let certain events in my past remain ingrained in my psyche instead of letting go.

I don't really know where I am going with this post, but I just wanted to point out once again that the more things change the more they stay the same. Letting the everyday mundane details get to you will eventually be your downfall and death. I have definitely learned a valuable lesson each and everyday of my life, and when the time comes, the person or persons fortunate enough to call me their father will have a damn near unfair advantage.

OK, folks - I have another one in the books. Thanks for all the messages and calls - I look forward to seeing all of you throughout the year!

Can’t Forget About You

2007-07-29T23:16:00.001-05:00

[Nas]
There comes a day in your life when you wanna kick back
Straw hat on the porch when you're old perhaps
Wanna gather your thoughts, have a cold one
Brag, to your grandkids about how life is golden
So I will light a cigar in the corridor of the crib
Pictures on the wall of all the things that I did
All the money and fame,

8 by 10's
of the whole Rat Pack inside of a big frame
Collidin' with big names that could've made your career stop
All that, and your man is still here and I'm still hot
Wow, I need a moment y'all
See I almost felt a tear drop

[Chorus]
When was the last time you heard a real anthem
Nas, the millionaire, the mansion
When was the last time you heard your boy Nas rhyme
Never on schedule, but always on time

[Chrisette Michelle]
These streets hold my deepest days
This hood taught me golden ways
Made me, truly this is what made me
Break me, not a thing's gonna break me [2x]

Ohh, I'm that history I'm that block
I'm that lifestyle I'm that spot
I'm that kid by the number spot
That's my past that made me hot
Here's my lifelong anthem
Can't forget about you
(Can't forget about, Can't forget about you) [2x]

[Nas]
Can't forget about the old school, Bam, Cas, Melle Mel, Flash
Rocksteady spinnin on they back
Can't forget when the first rap Grammy went to Jazzy, Fresh Prince
Fat Boys broke up, rap hasn't been the same since
So irregular, how it messed you up
when Mr. T became a wrestler
Can't forget about Jordan's retirement
The shot Robert Horry hit to win the game in the finals kid
Some things are forever, some things are not
It's the things we remember that gave the world shock
They stay in a place in your mind so snug
Like who the person was with whom you first make love

When was the last time you heard a real anthem
Nas, the millionaire, the mansion
When was the last time you heard your boy Nas rhyme
Never on schedule, but always on time

[Chrisette Michelle]

These streets hold my deepest days
This hood taught me golden ways
Made me, truly this is what made me
Break me, not a thing's gonna break me [2x]

Ohh, I'm that history I'm that block
I'm that lifestyle I'm that spot
I'm that kid by the number spot
That's my past that made me hot
Here's my lifelong anthem
Can't forget about you
(Can't forget about, Can't forget about you) [2x]

[Nas]
Unforgettable, un-submittable, I go by N now
Just one syllable, it's the end cause the game's tired
It's the same vibe, Good Times had right after James died
That's why the gangsta rhymers ain't inspired
Heinous crimes help record sales more than creative lines
And I don't wanna keep bringing up the greater times
But I'm a dreamer nostalgic with the state of mind
The past the past enough of it, aight then
But nothing gives me chills like Douglas and Tyson
Or Mike when his talk was live
Or when he first did the moon walk on Motown 25

When was the last time you heard a real anthem
Nas, the millionaire, the mansion
When was the last time you heard your boy Nas rhyme
Never on schedule, but always on time

[Chrisette Michelle]
These streets hold my deepest days
This hood taught me golden ways
Made me, truly this is what made me
Break me, not a thing's gonna break me [2x]

Ohh, I'm that history I'm that block
I'm that lifestyle I'm that spot
I'm that kid by the number spot
That's my past that made me hot
Here's my lifelong anthem
Can't forget about you
(Can't forget about, Can't forget about you) [2x]

[Nat King Cole sample]
That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too

"Can't Forget About You" – Nas featuring Chrisette Michelle

I have been described by several of my friends and acquaintances as an old soul on more than one occasion, and it's never been a description that I have tried to avoid. I make no apologies about my dislike for a great deal of today's music, media, and with several things that are considered acceptable in today's culture. Maybe I should have grown up in the 50s and 60s, because lately I've been feeling like almost everything that's going on is just plain garbage… until last night.

Most native ATLiens are aware of and have attended at least one FunkJazzKafe event. This past Saturday, FunkJazz came back after a 2 year hiatus. I admittedly left the last event in 2005 upset and almost wanting my $25 back. I honestly thought the event that I came to look forward to about 4 times a year had run out of gas. All good things must come to an end right? From 1997-2000, it was pretty much a given that on Thursday night, you'd find me at the Yin Yang Café just a bit north of the Varsity. My heart was broken when they closed down. Apache Café is a decent venue, but that same feeling you used to get from Yin Yang just isn't there anymore.

This past Saturday was indeed a blast from the past for me – walking into the Tabernacle for the first time in 2 years was an exciting moment for me. Seeing the artists creating beautiful painting on the spot in the hallway – the Poetry suite on the 3^rd floor with the band – just the good vibe was exhilarating. People stopping to let you walk by – people apologizing for merely brushing against you… just an great feeling that I understand has to be somewhat controlled, but it's a shame that we just can't be like this all the time anymore. The event wasn't without the surprise guests either – Angie Stone, Dead Prez, Bonecrusher, and Dawn from EnVogue each made an appearance and rocked the house. It was yet another incredible experience and I'm once again a fan. After all, a bad FunkJazz still beats the best night in a club in Atlanta.

As a side note – this Chrisette Michelle is off the chain… once you get over hearing the one song that the radio is running into the ground the rest of the CD is indeed one for the collections, as that is something that is hard to get me to say these days.

If you need to travel with kids, rent a car dammit.

2007-05-19T18:06:00.001-05:00

** NOTE ** I typed this up months ago, but didn't publish it for some reason - I apologize.

I was going through my emails this morning as I was getting ready for a trip to Houston and came across this commercial that a friend sent several weeks ago. I sometimes never read forwarded emails, much less click on the links that someone sent me anymore, but occasionally I get the inclination to do so…

Up comes this commercial with a man walked through the grocery store with his son. The child starts putting a bunch of candy in the shopping cart, and the man immediately takes the candy out and puts it back on the shelf. After going back and forth a couple of times, the child then decides to throw a tantrum and goes on a tirade throughout the store, complete with the onlooker stare and the embarrassment that goes with it. The camera pans back to the man, and the caption pops up on the screen – "Why you should wear condoms."

No further commentary needed on that one, but it does bring me to what prompted me to write this in the first place. I'm sitting on the plane on the way to George Bush Intercontinental Airport (why the hell International wasn't enough I'll never figure out) in one of those middle seats – fortunate for me the ladies on each side of me were very attractive (but I digress) – and the kids sitting behind me and to the left were some of the loudest, annoying brats I've had to listen to through my noise-cancelling headphones. The kids behind me had some loud game or video system that kept on making me wonder if I had my MP3 player up too loud. Thank goodness "the Captain has turned on the seatbelt signs indicating we are making our final approach" and the kid that kept running up and down the aisle will have to sit down.

Don't get me wrong – I love kids, and want some in the future. When I grew up, when I was told to sit down and shut up, I knew my parents meant it. I knew my grandparents meant it. I rarely moved until they said I could. Plain and simple. If I acted half the way I remembered acting when I was a child, I now realize why my parents used to get all kinds of compliments about my behavior. I knew that if I acted up in public, my parents were going to act worse when we got home.

If at first you don't succeed...

2007-05-07T19:56:00.000-05:00

Timbaland's Intro:
It's been a long time,
we shouldn't have left you left you,
without a dope beat to step to step to, step to, step to

Verse 1:
What would you do, to get to me?
What would say, to have your way?
Would you give up or try again,
If I hesitate to let you in?
Now would you be yourself, or play role?
Tell all the boys, or keep it low?
If I say no, would you turn away,
Or play me off or would you stay (oooohhh)...

Chorus:
If at first you don't succeed
(first you don't succeed),
then dust yourself off and try again
You can dust if off and try again, try again
'Cause if at first you don't succeed
(at first you don't succeed)
You can dust it off and try again,
dust yourself off and try again, try again,

Verse 2:
I'm into you, you into me,
but I can't let it go, so easily,
Not 'till I see, where this could be,
could be eternally, or just week,
You know our chemistry, is off the chain
It's perfect now, but will it change?
This ain't a yes, this ain't a no
Just do your thang,
and we'll see how it goes (oooohhh)...

Chorus

Bridge:
See you don't wanna throw it all away,
I might be shy on the first day,
but what about the next day (huh, huh, huh, huh)
See you don't wanna throw it all away,
I might be buggin' on the first day but
what about the next day (huh, huh, huh, huh)

Chorus

Timbaland's Outro:
It's been a long time, we shouldn't have left you left you,
without a dope beat to step to step to, step to, step to

"Try Again" - Aaliyah

A bit corny, I know - but hey it has been a while, right? What can I say - things have been busy for me. Traveling for work, traveling for pleasure, and working on a new project - my parent's old house.

I would have moved into this house a long time ago had it not been for the tenants that were in the house... these same tenants were responsible for setting some furniture on fire in the basement... and had the nerve to try and tell investigators that the house had faulty wiring...

It's quite a humbling experience to see the house that you grew up in get damaged in a fire by some people that obviously didn't care about the place I once called home.

I have a long way to go with this project, and I certainly have already learned a valuable and costly lesson or two... but with any luck, I think that I have turned a corner, and things are going to work out.

You gotta keep the devil way down in the hole.

2006-11-30T09:26:00.001-06:00

When you walk through the garden
You gotta watch your back
Well I beg your pardon
Walk the straight and narrow track
If you walk with Jesus
He's gonna save your soul
You gotta keep the devil
Way down in the hole
He's got the fire and the fury
At his command
Well you don't have to worry
If you hold on to Jesus hand
We'll all be safe from Satan
When the thunder rolls
Just gotta help me keep the devil
Way down in the hole
All the angels sing about Jesus' mighty sword
And they'll shield you with their wings
And keep you close to the lord
Don't pay heed to temptation
For his hands are so cold
You gotta help me keep the devil
Way down in the hole

"Way Down in the Hole" - Tom Waits

It all started years ago when we first heard the phrase "This is the story of seven strangers picked to live in a house..."

From that point on, the lines between reality and fantasy have been blurred. Blurred to the point now where it's sometimes hard to tell where the entertainment ends and the real life begins. I have two issues here that I want to talk about - one somewhat trivial compared to the other.

Now first off, I'm personally insulted that MTV has gone 13 years with this program, and has yet to do a season in my fair city. Key West? Are you serious? After the season in New Orleans, I was sure a season in Atlanta wouldn't be too far behind. Anyway, I'm too old for this somewhat cliched show that has ironically lost touch with what is indeed "real", so don't think that I am lobbying just so I can get some face time on cable TV. What has me disappointed with what was one of my favorite TV shows is that the formula is exactly the same year in and year out, save for some ethnic pieces of the puzzle to be finalized. While I am sure the "hookups" and the standard racial, sexual orientation, religious arguments are quite enlightening and entertaining to the average 17 year-old, it is quite boring for me. "The Real World" has lost it's relevance in my opinion, as they don't cast "real" people anymore. I'm willing to bet that all of the people on the current cast have closet TV and movie aspirations that they are hiding until the end of this season. Reality TV has become a new outlet for stardom, and has taken away the sincerity of the project. Granted, almost everyone that has been a part of this show has taken full advantage of their 15 minutes, but I really wish there were more Kevin Powell's to be produced from this experience than Teck $ or "The Miz", although they are doing what they ultimately wanted to do - can't knock the hustle, right?

Anyway, sorry for what looks like a mini-rant. There's only so many "night-vision" bedroom scenes, and 21 year old's yelling "you don't know anything about me" I can stand. Think of something else. Or at least come to the ATL so I can be entertained again.

OK, second item on my agenda...

Another example of life imitating fantasy... or is it the other way around? It's not quite the exact same thing, but a police informant on "The Wire" calls the police and reports a drug deal going down with a African American minister - the police promptly track him down and ransack his car and find nothing. The informant was lying because he was upset he wasn't getting any help for his "informing."

Turn off HBO and turn on the news... right here in Atlanta, a 92-year old woman allegedly shoots three police officers, and they promptly kill her. I won't even get started on the latest shoot-em-up fiasco in New York (another reason I don't want to live there). The woman's funeral was this past Wednesday, and the investigation is in full effect. Just some thoughts:

How does a 92-year old woman get three shots off before the police do anything?
How does a 92-year old woman that uses a cane to walk get three shots off before the police do anything (it was announced today that she used a cane)?
It was common knowledge to the neighborhood residents that the house next door to her and behind her were drug houses. Why doesn't the police know this?

It's just amazing to me how this happens literally the day after a similar event happens on a fictional TV program. I am happy with how Shirley Franklin and Richard Pennington have responded by calling in the FBI and GBI for an investigation, instead of covering up their tracks like they are doing in New York.

Turn off the boob-tube, and pick up a book.

What a difference a year makes...

2006-10-05T13:25:00.000-05:00

Your everlasting summer
You can see it fading fast
So you grab a piece of something
That you think is gonna last
You wouldnt know a diamond
If you held it in your hand
The things you think are precious
I cant understand

Chorus:
Are you reelin in the years
Stowin away the time
Are you gatherin up the tears
Have you had enough of mine

You been tellin me youre a genius
Since you were seventeen
In all the time Ive known you
I still dont know what you mean
The weekend at the college
Didnt turn out like you planned
The things that pass for knowledge
I cant understand

Chorus

I spend a lot of money
And I spent a lot of time
The trip we made in hollywood
Is etched upon my mind
After all the things weve done and seen
You find another man
The things you think are useless
I cant understand

Chorus

"Reelin in the Years" - Steely Dan

Well, it's official. The 2nd decade of my life is in the books, and the one blaring difference is how different October 4, 2006 was from October 4, 2005. Things didn't go exactly to plan as usual, but one thing that I have picked up over the past year is that when you make plans or have expectations, you're setting yourself up to be disappointed.

In case you don't want to rehash the past, last year I was dumped by someone that I truly thought the world of and was making strides to change to make her happy. When I thought I was getting a gift from her, she sent me the watch I left at her place instead. Still bitter? Yeah, a little. I imagine there will always be a part of me pissed of at her, just as I still hold grudges about a few choice points in my life.

The difference this year is that I got an unexpected delivery - this time flowers. You can only imagine the surprise on my face as the delivery woman handed them to me at the front door. With a note apologizing for not being able to complete our planned visit. It's truly amazing what lessons you learn from your past so that you will be prepared for what is forthcoming. There are some things that I regret, but who out there doesn't have a regret or two? I just wish that there were some lessons you could learn without going through the motions and the hurt involved with it.

Well, as my late grandmother always told me, "Ain't no sense like bought sense." That one still holds true, and always will. Age doesn't matter on that one.

Anyway, the 30's have started... let me say thanks to everyone that sent me voicemails, text pages, etc. yesterday. To the sender of those beautful flowers... the best if yet to come for us - you've made me look forward to October 4th again. I just hope I can reciprocate in 2 months and 5 days...

Time's a wastin...

2006-09-21T11:36:00.000-05:00

Time's a wastin
Don't you take your time young man
Keep on driftin
and ain't no tellin where you'll land

Run baby, run, run
Where you runnin to?
And who you runnin from?
Some people may not understand
What it means to be a man
Takin' full command
Cause we're

Livin in a world that's oh so strange
Boy don't let your focus change
Takin out the demons in your range, hey
Livin in a world that's oh so fast
Gotta make your money last
Learn from the past, oh

Time's a wastin
Don't you take your time young man
Keep on driftin
and ain't no tellin where you'll land

Sweet love and sunshine
If it's all in the air
Then it's all on your mind
Breathe baby
Come back to the world
Dig up all your pearls
Teach the boys and girls, hey

Livin in a world that's oh so strange
Boy don't let your focus change
Takin out the demons in your range, hey
Livin in a world that's oh so fast
Gotta make your money last
Learn from the past, oh

Oh baby we need to smile
Oh baby we need to smile
Oh baby we need to smile
Oh baby we need to smile

Time's a wastin
Don't you take your time young man
Keep on driftin
and ain't no tellin where you'll land

Oh baby we need to smile
Oh baby we need to smile
Oh baby we need to smile
Oh baby we need to smile

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Time's a wastin
Don't you take your time young man
Keep on driftin
and ain't no tellin where you'll land

Ain't no tellin, oh, oh...

“Time’s a Wastin” – Erykah Badu

A little under two weeks and I’ll be 30. Yeah, I’m thinking about it some more. Nothing too serious, just being a little introspective. What am I doing with my life? What have I done maybe would be a bit more accurate. Am I spinning my wheels and not going anywhere, or is that next goal really within my reach? I would like to think that I am on course headed to the next phase of my life, but the thought has to enter my mind occasionally if I am only drifting, with no idea where I am going to land.

30 years
10,957 days
1,565 weeks
262,968 hours
15,778,080 minutes
946,684,800 seconds.

That’s a long time. I can’t help but think about some of my good friends that didn’t get the chance to accumulate those numbers. I have been and will remain grateful for the life that I have lived thus far, never taking anything for granted. Always understanding that things, circumstances, and people all come into your life for a reason. Never pushing for a result before its time – having patience to understand that it will happen when you are ready for it to happen and not one second before. People (myself included) have been too quick to do this, or do that, and end up hurting yourself in the end for the sake of having that car, living in that house, etc. and I no longer have the desire to try keeping up with the Jones’, the Comb’s or anyone else out there claiming to have set the standard to live by.

I set my own standards. I think that I’ve been around long enough to know what I want at this point. Be it considered weird by some people, and refreshing by others, it doesn’t matter anyway you cut it. It’s what has worked for me for almost 262,968 hours, and not to toot my own horn, but things have worked out fairly well for me, save a few unhealthy grudges. No control issues in my relationships. No overly hypocritical views about religion or politics. Living in the city that I love, and loving the city that I’m living in. Cooler than Freddie Jackson sippin on a milkshake in a snowstorm. Cooler than a Polar Bear’s toenails. Saddled up, locked, and loaded for decade number three. Ready or not, here I come. Not letting my focus change, takin out the demons in my range. Most certainly still learning from my past.

LIBERTAD…

Beware of the ATM Line Bandit.

2006-08-24T20:25:00.000-05:00

It's 3:55pm. Wachovia will post your deposits at the ATM on the same day if you do it by 4 pm. I leave work early so I can make this deposit - didn't go to lunch to boot. I get to the drive-in, and this jack-ass come running up to the ATM and walks in front of my car to go the ATM.

I blow my horn at him.

"I was here first!" the idiot barks back at me, sounding almost like Archie Bunker.

The bastard then proceeds to do three different transactions with three different ATM cards.

It took every ounce of by being not to just run him over. I put the car in gear... even revved the engine a little bit.

Good thing for him the consequences outweighed the pleasure and benefits of feeling my Goodyears run over his fat, nasty, inconsiderate self. He must be from up north. I also think being able to take this picture also made me feel a little better... please know that I am going to post it everywhere I can think of.

Turns out there weren't any envelopes at the ATM anyway - unless the old geezer took them all when I wasn't looking. Anyway, if you see him coming, watch your back.

The Wilson Doctrine

2006-08-02T10:18:00.000-05:00

This is the day
Of the expanding man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At ramblers
Wild gamblers
That's all in the past

You call me a fool
You say its a crazy scheme
This ones for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I'll make it this time
I'm ready to cross that fine line

Chorus:
I'll learn to work the saxophone
I'll play just what I feel
Drink scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues

My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance
Sharing the things we know and love
With those of my kind
Libations
Sensations
That stagger the mind

I crawl like a viper
Through these suburban streets
Make love to these women
Languid and bittersweet
I'll rise when the sun goes down
Cover every game in town
A world of my own
I'll make it my home sweet home

Chorus

This is the night
Of the expanding the man
I take one last drag
As I approach the stand
I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long
This brother is free
I'll be what I want to be

Chorus

"Deacon Blues" - Steely Dan

Perhaps the realization that my 30th birthday is right around the corner has sparked yet another reflection on my life and times, or maybe it's just Wednesday. Who knows. Today's post may end up being totally contradicting of itself by the time I finish, but oh well. With apologies to my Fifth grade teacher, I currently have no desires to run for President of these United States, so I may flip-flop a bit. As I enter my third decade of existence, there are certain things based on past experience that I will from now on choose not to indulge anymore. Look at it as my own Monroe Doctrine or personal foreign policy if you will.

1. Drama is not something that I aspire to produce or be a part of. I may have attended a school that has a Performing Arts magnet program, but my life is personal, private, and simple. I have no desire for creating an uproar about every little problem or issue in my life. All I really want is to be happy. Only I can make that happen, so there's really no point in worrying the rest of the world about my issues.

2. Your car, your title, your degree, your bank account, etc. do not impress me. If this is something that you feel you must flaunt in front of me all the time, it only makes me think you're trying to overcompensate for other shortcomings... eventually I find them - usually a lot faster than the average idiot you run into on the street.

3. I will go to Waffle House and get a order scrambled with sausage for dinner way before I will go to whatever fancy-spancy restaurant so I can be "seen". At least I know I will go home on a full stomach.

4. New Yorkers are hereby eliminated from consideration for serious dating. I love to visit the city, and I hate to lop off a major part of the population... but it is what it is... I'm just too country for you city-girls apparently. I will wear my overalls when I want to, and there's nothing you can do about it.

5. While I'm eliminating people from consideration for serious dating... all members of a certain African American sorority are hereby eliminated. No need to stir up trouble here - but if it comes up and I find out you belong to that sorority, please don't take it personal. I'm just done trying to make it work out. We fundamentally don't get along for some reason, and I'm done trying to figure it out.

6. Volkswagens rule. No need to comment on this.

7. My musical tastes will forever include far more than what is played on V-103, Kiss 104, Hot 107.9, 102.5, and Praise 97.5. If I want to blast Maroon 5 in my car with the windows down, please find something better to do with your time than look at me with disgust as if I've sold out to the man or something. My blackness will never be in question. Your ignorance will.

8. I do not intend to go to church every Sunday. I am secure in my personal relationship with God first and foremost. Until I find a place that I feel doesn't have a hidden agenda, or is trying to entertain me on Sunday morning with a light show and interpretive dance, etc., I will be more than happy to spend my time with myself and the good book, or whatever material I choose. If you can't respect that, what kind of Christian does that make you?

9. Road-trips are a way of life. If I have the time and ability to drive, I will. You will die when it's your time to go, but what if you're on the plane, and it's the pilot's time to go?

10. I love myself. If I don't why should anyone else?

That's it in a nutshell. Perhaps I will amend this doctrine as time goes by, but here are some basic principles that I have adopted and have guided me to where I am right now. I am not going to let someone pigeonhole me into what their image of what they want me to be. It's far too late for the shaping and moulding part of my life, and you wouldn't have made it past my parents even if you tried. So take it or leave it - the ride is taking off for the next stop soon, space is limited, so decide if you're still down for the experience.

Unitil next time...

“That Girl”… or maybe we should change it to “That Dude” or something…

2006-07-21T15:12:00.000-05:00

That girl thinks that she’s so fine
That soon she’ll have my mind
That girl thinks that she’s so smart
That soon she’ll have my heart
She thinks in no time flat
That she’ll be free and clear to start
With her emotional rescue of love that you’ll leave turn apart

That girl thinks that she’s so bad
She’ll change my tears from joy to sad
She says she keeps the upper hand
cause she can please her man
She doesn’t use her love to make him weak
She uses love to keep him strong
And inside me there’s no room for doubt
That it won’t be too long

Before I tell her that I love her
That I want her
That my mind, soul and body needs her
Tell her that I’d love to, that I want to
That I need to do all that I have to
To be in her love

I’ve been hurting for a long time
And you’ve been playing for a long time
You know it’s true
I’ve been holding for a long time
And you’ve been running for a long time
It’s time to do what we have to do
That girl, that girl

That girl knows every single man
Would ask her for her hand
But she says her love is much too deep
For them to understand
She says her love has been crying out
But her lover hasn’t heard
But what she doesn’t realize is that I’ve listened to every word

That why I know I’ll tell that I love her
That I want her
That my mind, soul and body needs her
Tell her that I’d love to, that I want to
That I need to do all that I have to
To be in her love

Tell her I love her
That I want her
That my mind and soul and body needs her
Tell her that I’d love to, that I want to
That I need to do all that I have to
To be in her love

That I love her
That I want her
That my mind and soul and body needs her
Tell her that I’d love to, that I want to
That I need to do all that I have to...

Tell her that I love her
That I want her
That my mind and soul and body needs her
Tell her that I’d love to, that I want to
That I need to do all that I have to
To be in her...

That girl, that girl, that girl,
Oh, that girl, that girl, that girl, that girl...

“That Girl” – Stevie Wonder

I have made it public knowledge that I am the self-proclaimed King of “Can’t-take-a-hint-land”, and it pains me to think that after all of these years that I still suffer from the same affliction. If you have been keeping up with some of my past posts, “Does that make me craaaaazay?”, Part II, and Part III, I had met a young lady last month that had gotten my attention, especially after I got to go out with her. To wrap that one up, I basically tried to go out again, and kept getting “Sorry, I have plans already” and that kind of stuff… I’m not one to go forcing myself onto anyone’s agenda, but in general if I like someone, I am going to squeeze in some time to hang out. I don’t propose changing your trip to Brazil or anything, but some lunch or a baseball game isn’t too much to ask… but of course I can’t take a hint.

So anyway, a few days before my grandmother went in for surgery (reference this post for that), I was driving home and good ol’ Mr. Wonder comes on the radio. “That Girl” comes on – one of my favorite songs… but sometimes you have to have something on your mind to make the words sink in…

“What are you talking about?” You might be asking… well I’m referring to my friend that I have been confiding in all this time – been very understanding and helpful in keeping me sane in one of my past relationships, and even now. I don’t want to sit here and jump the gun and say that I’m ready to get involved in a relationship again after dealing with two that didn’t go very well in a short amount of time, but I definitely need to follow my own advice for once… quit going out looking for a relationship. Gain a friend first, then if it’s meant to be, the relationship will flourish. How did Stevie create this epiphany for me, you ask?

She says her love has been crying out
But her lover hasn’t heard
But what she doesn’t realize is that I’ve listened to every word

These lines speak to it somewhat. Don’t sit back and think that I am professing my love for anyone around here. I just think that the young woman that was making me craaaazay wasn’t the one I should have been looking for a response from. Someone else is out there and I need to find her, plain and simple. It’s just so hard to see that someone that you thought were vibin with all of a sudden just drop you like you have a virus or something. It was crude, but what happened to the “break up note” (laughs)? At least you knew to quit trying, it ain’t gonna happen, playa.

Well, suffice it to say I’m going to lay low for a while. I have other goals, aspirations, and responsibilities that I need to tend to. “That Girl” will come across my path soon enough, if she hasn’t already… perhaps she’s still listening to every word.

Since it IS Friday, I don't want to start the weekend sounding all depressing... so here's another one of my favs from Mr. Wonder...

A Song for Mama

2006-07-17T15:49:00.000-05:00

You taught me everything and everything you've given me

I always keep it inside

You're the driving force in my life

Yeah

There isn't anything or anyone that I can be

It just wouldn't feel right

If I didn't have you by my side

You were there for me to love and care for me when skies were gray

Whenever I was down you were always there to comfort me

and no one else can be what you have been to me

You’ll always be

You will always be the girl in my life

Chorus:

Mama

Mama you know I love you

(Oh you know I love you)

Mama

Mama you're the queen of heart

Your love is like tears from the stars

Mama I just you to know

Lovin' you is like food to my soul

You're always down for me

Have always been around for me even when I was bad

You showed me right from my wrong

(yes you did)

and you took up for me when everyone was downin' me

You always did understand

You gave me strength to go on

There was so many times looking back when I was so afraid

and then you come to me

and say to me

I can face anything

and no one else can do what you have done for me

You’ll always be

you will always be the girl in my life for all times

Mama

Mama you know I love you

(oh you know I love you)

Mama

Mama you're the queen of heart

Your love is like

Tears from the stars

Mama I just you to know

lovin' you is like food to my soul

Never gonna go a day without you

Fills me up just thinking about you

I’ll never go a day without my mama

Mama

Mama you know I love you

(oh you know I love you)

Mama

Mama you're the queen of heart

Your love is like tears from the stars

Mama I just you to know

lovin' you is like food to my soul

“A Song for Mama” – Boyz II Men

About six and a half years ago, I woke up on a Friday morning (February 18^th to be exact) and was headed to my Legal Environment class at Georgia State on time for a change, and before I could leave the phone rang. The Caller ID had my grandparent’s phone number come up. Today was my Uncle Don’s birthday, and Saturday would be my mother’s birthday. My mother was on an assignment in DC and was flying back to Atlanta in the afternoon, and I had planned on picking her up from the airport and taking her down to Florida since we all had been trying to go down and see her for the past month. Y2K was out of my sights, and since I had to work most of the holidays, it was time to make that up and go see the fam.

Back to the phone call – I answered the phone thinking it was strange to hear from them, but hey at least the number on the refrigerator didn’t go to waste. The voice on the phone wasn’t my grandmother – or my grandfather. A second later the woman that called handed the phone to Granddaddy, and he told me that my Grandmother passed away that morning. I literally talked to her less than 12 hours before. I called to see what she had planned for the weekend since I was going to surprise her – you have no idea how many times I would “pop” in town and both of them would be out of town… and you thought I traveled a lot. Shock, grief, disbelief only began to express how I felt that morning.

It’s amazing that it has been so long ago. “Mother” always told us that she wouldn’t always be around, so you better learn what you can from her while she was here to teach…

Fast forward to today… I type this sitting in the hospital waiting room as my other grandmother, “Mama” lays in the Vascular Intensive Care unit after she suffered a stroke coming out of surgery to prevent the very thing that happened. If there is something positive to take out of this – first and foremost, she is still alive. Secondly, of all the places to have a stroke, you can’t beat the hospital.

Not too soon after my grandmother’s death in Florida, “Soul Food” came out… perhaps my dates are off, but whatever. One of my best friends commented to me one day that the character Ahmad reminded him of me in real life because of my attachment to my grandmothers. Back then I was honestly insulted. How are you comparing me to some 9 year old kid in a movie? Over this past week, I must say that I now see where he was coming from. I could even draw some parallels from that movie to my family here in the A. Even some of the drama – but that’s for another day. All I care about right now is getting my grandmother out of the hospital and seeing to it that she makes a full recovery.