Diary of a Scatterbrain

Venus vs. Mars

2019-06-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

VENUS vs. MARS

Two planets, two people, two minds, two hearts, two...two...two. Venus is a very warm planet with much love to give, but with the heat that lights her soul, sensitivity and insecurities run her mind. She melts at the sight of true love. Hey, she is the Goddess of Love. Mars on the other hand is rocky. He is red with power, strength and determination. So of course he is the God of War. Huh, funny...Venus and Mars is Love and War. Well, this certainly makes sense. Can she and he actually make it? Can they continue as Venus and as Mars?

Venus sits alone as Mars travels to another world to "get away". What does that mean?, she ponders. No contact, no nothing. Ouch, her heart breaks. Mars gets up and thinks I am out, and just goes to the other side of the Milky Way so far from Venus. Venus things bad thoughts about what may be happening on the new planet. Travels a long long way away, but cannot commit to two days a month. "Confusion" Mars has professed in the past that Venus that she is beautiful and that he is here to make her heart melt in his rock hard hands. However, in the presence of Mars, Venus does melt. His eye look at her and make her feel special. The laughter from the two can be heard on the moon. It's fun and giggles and a lot of smiles. Then Mars goes back to his own planet and Venus seems so alone again.

The day Venus was created in the Milk Way was a celebration she was looking forward to for quite a while. She wanted it to be "magical" with all her Hufflepuff, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Slytherin Venetians. Oh and how Venus longed for Mars to attend the magical memory. Though Mars stayed on his home planet with not a whisper to her on the day of her creation. Her heart, her soul broke and erupted like a volcano from her home planet. Mars didn't under stand her sorrow. True that Venus hasn't put forth a lot of traveling for Mars, but she feels so out of his world. But feels that he has other Martians and maybe Venetians and so Venus just won't fit. And when she feels out of his world, well how else is she supposed to feel...unloved and unimportant are all she truly can find inside herself with Mars.

Perfection is far from what Venus feels of herself. She knows she isn't anywhere close to being perfect. To be completely honest, is there really perfection? Mars has not only one world on his planet. He has many. However, not once has Mars ever try to engage Venus to join one or more of his Worlds to meet any of his Martians. She feels so left out, like someone who is just there to be available when he wants to have a quick journey through the Milky Way. Venus has often opened her arms for Mars to join her world many times, but Mars stays on his own planet. Even makes up stories of unidentified flying objects.

Venus longs for Mars to schedule time for the future (one weekend a month) to spend together as a Goddess and God, not as Adam and Eve. Ok yes, there is fun times as Venus and Mars gather together, smiles and all. But when on their own planets, it seems that all connections seem to disconnect. Venus struggles as Mars explores and cannot commit to time or inclusion of the two worlds.

The two have their own view of the life among the starts. Neither really wrong, just two different views from the different life they have lived on their own planets. Venus weeps as she thinks about the disappointment she has felt and know that she has caused disappointment as well, but when disappointment and dying stars are outweighing hope and shooting stars, but quite a lot, then what. There is Venus and Mars. Mars and Venus. A Martian and A Venetian trying to find the common planet, but it is possible when two live in not only two completely different worlds but two completely different planets. Two planets that are light years away. That are hot and cold. That are love and war. That are Venus and Mars....Two Hearts Lost in Space...

The questions that have yet to be answered by those involved or anyone on any planet.

Lost in Translation

2018-05-12T20:14:00.001-07:00

The mind of a scatterbrain is very hard to tailgate. Following a scatterbrain can send another into a crazy dizzy spell. Add a cup of anxiety and the thoughts of an anxious scatterbrain go off on a eating spree like PacMan running through mazes and trying to escape the haunting of the ghosts. The further in we get the fast the ghosts chase and the more confused we get. This is the path of an anxious scatterbrain all on her own. One that is dark, bumpy, curvy with no guard rails. It's a white knuckle drive with a racing heart, difficult breathing, extreme pressure in the chest and throat closures. The thoughts in her own head are so confusing and ugly and the angel little voice gets lost in the darkness. With all of this, add in a calm brain and translation is completely and totally lost or is it just transformed?

A calm brain enters the conversation, adding new thoughts, experiences and words. The conversation begins to increase in speed and in zig zags. The conversation and relationship begins to become lost in translation. As an anxious scatterbrain, we think in "the worst case scenario". What could someone really see in me? I don't see it. If calm doesn't respond, he has begin to start a new conversation on a new path with another calm rather than an anxious scatterbrain. Calm says, "no I don't talk about you". Anxious scatterbrain hears, "You are not important to me, especially enough to say good things about you and that you actually make me happy." Calm says, "I didn't ask you to spend time with me, because you don't like the things I like to do. Anxious scatterbrain hears, "I would rather do the things you don't like to do than spend time with you. I choose all those things over you." Calm says, "Why don't you say you love me?" Anxious scatterbrain replies "why don't you say you love me?" Calm says, "Men don't say I love you." Anxious scatterbrain hears, "I don't love you and never truly will." Calm says, "who I am talking to or texting is no one's business unless you pay my bill." Anxious scatterbrain hears, "I am texting whoever I want whenever I want, even if it is a future possibility to take your place." Calm says, "I don't like people just showing up at time without warning." Anxious scatterbrain hears, "I have something to hide that could hurt you." Calm says, "I want to see you in the morning." Scatterbrain tries to get a hold of calm in the am, because anxious scatterbrain is respecting no just showing up without a definite "please come", but calm makes it complicated by giving the scatterbrain the impression it was inconvenient because she just didn't show up, but calm did say "no" to that...right? The confusion continues to deepen. Calm says after the fact, "I didn't invite you, because I didn't think you would want to come". Anxious scatterbrain hears, "sorry didn't really want you to come." Calm says, "If you lived with me then you can see me. You would already be there."

Anxious scatterbrain ponders than why can't calm spend weekends with her, oh yes because "I didn't ask you to spend time with me, because you don't like the things I like to do." Anxious scatterbrain does not hear what is said, it gets twisted in the communication. Also what gets lost in body language and/or actions of the way the path begins to play out. Confusion is on both ends to be honest and an anxious scatterbrain has to take that responsibility. Calm can't figure those thoughts or understand them as well. Calm does a lot of really nice thing when face-to-face, but anxious scatterbrain feels like they are on his terms. If he doesn't text or respond, he was busy and she should just know that and understand. Anxious scatterbrain dissects that as " I am worthy for a moment of letting her know..." Calm has never requested the scatterbrain to meet anyone ever. Anxious scatterbrain asks, but calm declines. So anxious scatterbrain feels unworthy and less than. Scatterbrain expresses, "our differences is are so hard and keep us apart". Calm hears, "it is fine, we see each other during the week and I come see you after work. A little time is better than nothing". Scatterbrain hears "I have time for you only a little after work...".

Anxious scatterbrain is well aware that calm's action/words are nothing less than a fine gentleman trying to live life to the fullest, living each day with thrill and excitement with circle after circle of friends to help bring that life to best ever. Scatterbrain is even a little jealous of that life, but it is not a life for anxious scatterbrain. It makes her more anxious. Anxious scatterbrains do not fit in. They are like oil trying to mix with water. Anxious scatterbrain has a lifelong dream of a fairy tale romance, with love, passion and sweetness: hand holding (in a non-awkward way-genuine), a kiss just to kiss, cuddling watching a movie (under the stars, by a fire-again genuine). A real-life fairy tale, Hallmark Movie, romance novel....scatterbrain well aware it is a little far-fetched. The difference cause even more lost in translation. The anxious scatterbrain is so very lost. Lost in trying to find her place. But one thing for sure is the lost in translation is causing distress to everyone in the conversation.

Loss of Words from the Insecure Runner Up

2018-04-22T06:39:00.000-07:00

How to find the words to express how one feels when they always fall short of being the right one? The words are not there to explain. Runner up may not seem too bad and in some aspects it isn't that bad, but in love, I mean real true love, you might as well be coming in last. When you know he wants his "one" to want to hold on to him while he races down the highway on the fastest two wheels out there and you can't meet that want, it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When you know he wants the "one" to extend his family tree and you can't meet that want, it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When you know he wants the "one" to be so self-confident and that she is ok with his going out with friends without her and doing this and that, even holding and dancing with other girls. You can't meet that want and it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When you know he wants the "one"to be fine with him having a lot of time without you. You can't meet that need and it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. When he wants the "one" to be ok with coming in second to his many interests, friends and circles, you can't meet his needs and it breaks your heart. He would be settling for you. You not meeting his needs is you being a runner up in his life. He will always want the "one" who can meet these very understandable and respected needs. To him he may not even realize, but you realize that not meeting his needs is not meeting your needs. I can only think, because I am not the "one" he truly wishes for that is why he doesn't ask me be around as much as I wish he did, like maybe always. Ok, maybe not every second of every minute of every hour of every day....but maybe pretty close. The lack of desire to want me around, well this increases insecurities that are already darkening my spirit.

For me, insecurities have always been a big, sad part of my life. It is really hard when they are always the loudest voice in your head telling you that you will always be a runner up. Always coming up short can really take a toll on someone, like it has on me. Yes, I met a great and wonderful man. We will call him "the Popular Quarterback" . Imagine the Popular Quarterback dating the insecure Wallflower. Seems a little out of place. Especially, when you are never invited when he is with his many, various circles. Sometimes it even feels as if I am the actual Wallflower, just standing on the middle school dance floor wall waiting forever for someone to ask me to dance. Again no one is asking. Yes I want to be the "one" for him, but his needs are out of my comfort zone. They are out of my true love dream as well. I dream of someone who feels for me like Steve Urkel feels for Laura Winslow. I know it seems a little much. But i guess I have never been number one in anyone's life and want to feel like I am not only enough for someone, but even more than enough. I dream of someone who not only is ok with being seen with me, but loves being seen with. Wants pictures of the two to mark the moment in history as one for the record books of love and romance. Why does it hurt, when no one wants this with you? Well, it makes you think that you aren't too good looking and no one wants to have the memory documented anywhere. Self-esteem killer. My deep seeded insecurities are the Dementors of my muggle life. Maybe my insecurities will just always be the repellent for true love. I really don't blame anyone. I mean who wants to be around someone who feels less than all the time. But I do wonder, if someone ever truly falls in love with me...will they want to see me always, even when the are with other circles and let me in, will they want want to save our love with digital memories, will I ever feel like number one, will I ever feel loved and cherished. Wow, feeling like a runner up as someone's not quite "one" is pretty painful, but I just realized that being the runner up in my own life is actually worse. I need to change this. I need to find more. More to make me feel good. I guess the truth is, I really need to find the muggle version of a Patronus, to chase my Dementors away.

Hectic Mind and Baffling Loneliness

2015-12-29T18:39:00.001-08:00

Spinning and spinning and spinning, why won’t my mind stop spinning? My thoughts are all over the place. It can’t seem to focus on any one thing for more than a split second. It’s here then there then over there then back again. I feel like a cat chasing its tail. I can’t relax my thoughts. They are so all over the place, so scattered. I am a serious scatterbrain. My thoughts are of so many different things, but can only think of the things that hurt my heart. Why? Why do I let my mind lead with these types of thoughts. And not just one, but several, one after the other. I can’t even focus on one thing long enough to find the good within. I sit here with my mind askew and feel as if something extremely heavy is sitting upon my chest. I am so dizzy and my head hurts from all the annoying chatter that has been going on the last few days. I feel claustrophobic from my thoughts. It’s overpowering me. I can’t breathe. As my mind swirls and swirls and rotates as fast as the Earth, I feel this awful loneliness, but it’s not your normal loneliness that may occur. It’s a baffling loneliness, because I am so fortunate to have so many loved ones and ones that love me. But yet, I feel so hopelessly lonely, lost and saddened. I come home to an empty house all the time. No one here to give a smile that I am home. No one to miss me. I see my loved ones from time to time, but mostly I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner alone. I watch movies alone. I have lots of love in my life, I do and should not feel this way at all. But I do. I feel so claustrophobic with thoughts. I hold my breath. I feel so overwhelmed and I feel so darn lonely. New Year’s is coming up. I know I could be a 3rd wheel or the “single” one, but for some reason that just seems like it could make me feel a little sadder that I don’t have a date for that night. There are many that don’t and I know I have a lot to be grateful for I really do. I just feel so terribly lonely. I never settled down to have a family. I have never found true love, someone I love to truly love me back. But I won’t settle for anything less. Maybe it’s my hopeless romantic self that causes my loneliness. I have a great guy in my life. He makes me laugh and smile when we are together. He even went out of his way to spend Christmas Morning with me. He’s a great guy. That’s the problem. I want love with him. I know that what we have is a friendly fun amazing friendship, but I feel sad not knowing if we could ever be more. I want more with him more than I have ever before. I am myself around him and it feels good. I understand some people don’t want relationships or love, I just wish he did, with me of course. See my mind goes from one thing to another. My mind is feeling and thinking of him, thinking I’m not this enough for him and etc. Then my mind thinks he’s finding other better things. Then my mind is off to thinking, “you need to purge a lot of your stuff in your house, you have too much”. Then my mind is off thinking, “you need to focus”. “You are gaining too much weight, you need to get back to getting fit. You are becoming fat”. I just can’t focus and I can seem to find the path down the positive thoughts. I am stuck on the negative, self-doubt merry-go-round and it keeps going and going and going. I can’t seem to get off. I need this ride to stop. My heart is hurting too much. I need to let some light in. I need to calm my thoughts. I need to just breathe.

Job, Career, or Passion?

2015-05-31T10:30:00.001-07:00

When Sunday Blues hit hard, what does that mean? Does that mean what you do for a living is just a job, your career path, or your true passion. I highly doubt that it means it's a true passion. If you feel passionate about something, you are not going to feel blue every single time you have to face it. You may have a moment or two, but you will not feel so sad and blue when anticipating the arrival of a Monday. It must just be a job. For me, Sunday Blues hit me like a broken heart. I feel sick and sad and dread feeling this way. I miss my passion. I miss feeling excited. I miss wanting to put 100% into something. I miss wanting to work hard. Where is my passion? I can't seem to find it "here". It's just a job. Yes! I am fortunate for such a great job. Bills get paid, great benefits, great people, but my heart is void. Where is my passion? I need to find that passion again. I need to feel the passion void for doing something I love and enjoy. Hmmm...what is it? Where is it? Where is my passion?

Damsel in Distress

2013-11-04T18:15:00.000-08:00

A long time ago a man was born with the power to reprogram the minds of others. As he aged into adulthood his passion deepened to take this talent to the next level. A man of such power is nothing less than a superhero. Superheros are characters we usually see in comic books or movies, but I have had the pleasure of crossing paths with such a legacy. I met my Superhero a while back and was swept off my feet like Lois Lane with Superman. It was chemistry at its finest. I have had been heartbroken once or twice in my life and had begin to not believe in the magic of love anymore. It starts to fade the more your heart is damaged. Hope and believe just fall by the waist side. My belief in happily ever after was gone. But Mr. Superhero, he changed me. He had super powers over me. He made me feel a certain magic that I had once believed in. He saved me, just like Superman, Ironman and his other fellow superheros. He once told me he always wanted to be a superhero. What little boy doesn't? What he didn't realize is that he was that, he was mine and others' who needed hope. He took movie night and made it fun and exciting, by adding props and costumes. What fun?! He sure had my number. Dancing in the living room was no longer just a dream. Making plans for the future became reality. Love was not even close to what I was feeling. "This is real?" "He loves me back, OMG this is amazing!!" We decided to look at a "bat cave" to reside side by side. My heart was on fire and more excited than ever before. My life finally had the future I dreamed of with the man of my dreams and a real-life superhero. I was set! But in every good superhero story, there is a villain. Sadly, this villain ripped my heart out. The villain is this story is circumstance. This superhero was not my superhero. He was a superhero of all. He couldn't help others being here with me and had to go back to his hometown, "Krypton". This move is now my kryptonite. My heart breaks over and over every minute of every day now. Though I know that even though my heart may never love like that again, so many peoples lives will be changed and minds will be free of agony, because of my villain. My villain is others' hope. Though it is selfish, my heart will always pray that one day the powerful and amazing superhero of the mind could move "Krypton" back to my heart. Usually superheros rescue damsels in distress, this time it is just not possible.

Choose Your Path

2013-07-07T19:15:00.001-07:00

In life we are given choices, many choices. So many in fact that we can get so wrapped up in how many choices we are actually making that we forget we are in fact, making choices. We make a choice whether or not to get up when our alarms goes off. We make a choice whether to take a shower, every step of a shower including brands are choices. Then comes breakfast, what route you will take to work, if you will go to work etc. Choices, Choice. Choices. We don't always realize that we are making so many choices or that we do have a choice in everything we do. We don't always have a choice in the things that happen to us, but always in how we react to them. Our emotions make some of the choices for us, which makes choice making so much more complicated, because our emotions are irrational in some states. We don't think too much about our choices throughout our days really. It's not until a choice leads us down a road that leads to pain, rejection, hurt, disappointment, fear or heartbreak that we think, I wish I would have made another choice. Beating ourselves up about a choice that caused us terrible feeling inside for days upon days, if not months upon years. We forget to give ourselves a pat on the back for the good choices we make throughout our minutes on earth. The ones where we choose to make someone smile, give a hug to a friend, give our time and effort, or even something as simple as choosing to stop at a stop sign. See now we start thinking about the right choices we make everyday all day. If we make a choice that leads us down a road we don't approve, just remember the old choose your path books. These chapter books gave you choices and then led you down a certain path. If you didn't like the path you took, you were able to start the book over and choose different paths. Though we can't start our lives over or go back in time like Hermione Granger in Harry Potter, we still can make new choices that can help us get on a more exciting and wanted path. Remember it's a choice to give up or continue. It's a choice if we want to settle for where we are from the choices we've made or make a choice to change and create the life that will give us joy and satisfaction.

To Whom it May Concern,

2013-05-14T10:02:00.002-07:00

To you

This may be a little long...sorry bout that...But i really wanted to defend my actions so i didn't seem crazy!! i do owe u an apology though! People walk into our lives for some reasons or another but when they walk out, they do it for a reason as well. These reason unknown or known are much harder to take. No desire to know!! You walked away with grace and kindness trying to hurt me in the least possible way u could. I saw it I really did but it was hard to take in. I think it's just when one has moments. Moments that set your heart on fire...they are hard to distinguish. I'm sorry I kept trying and trying to get those moments back they really are meant to be just memories. I have friends they jeep telling me "Sherri get over it!! It was just lust and wanting something u can't have that's all!! Get over it!!" In one way they are right, but in another they aren't. When I was there I felt a certain peace that I haven't felt in a while. I have a hard time finding that inside. A happiness that was real. I felt so comfortable being the real silly me...never really felt so like me that way before. It may have been ur home...I think it felt a little like the home I grew up for some reason and maybe that's why. Also they've never been movie kissed to understand they are real. I'm not crazy I just tried to hold on to the feeling. I thank u for letting me feel that way even it was for a short time. People tell it's not about the butterflies and fireworks but finding someone who will love u and be there for you. So I guess I'm jumping on the grown up train and of the childish one of eating cotton candy, catching fireflies, chasing butterflies, and watching the fireworks in my kisses. Thank u for giving me one last glimpse if that. I'm sorry I kept contacting u. Truly and sincerely I am. U deserve ur happiness too without the little girl in pigtails asking u to dance to MJ and chance the butterflies with her. I promise to distance myself so I don't become annoying-maybe not forever!! Forever is too far away! Thank u friend for everything. Peace out!!! ✌

Danger Zone

2012-10-13T20:58:00.004-07:00

I am officially in the danger zone. Just thinking of him makes my heart ache so much. The memories that were made were so special and amazing and knowing they have officially come to...oh the word is so hard to say, but yes I believe they have come to an end. The Perfect Daddy was not just a Perfect Daddy, but someone who I truly believed was perfect for me. The only problem is that I wasn't perfect for him. Though some of the moments really made me believe that I might just have been able to be. He was tender and sweet and movie kissed me. He kissed me with so much passion (well that's what I truly thought it was). I was taken into another realm. A realm that had so much happiness that I could barely breathe. My eyes were blinded by the fireworks. One time he actually made a firework movement with his hands. Yes, It was all just too amazing and wonderful. More than I could have ever created in my own little vivid imagination. And let me tell you that my imagination could have created a scenario that would make Cinderella's story seem lame. It was magical. It made me believe in all those storybook lines....Once upon a time....true love...butterflies and fireworks...magic.. love potions...fantasies....real life fairy tales...and they lived happily ever after. Well though I was wrong and am left broken hearted I can't stop believing that these all really do exist. I will never settle. Maybe that makes me selfish I don't know, but I know what it feels like to believe in true love and have butterflies and see fireworks and now I am tainted and cannot fall in love without them. So I will let myself be sad for just a little, then I will put belief in all that is possible, the magic and all. No matter what anyone tells me or tries to steer me in another direction. I will wait for the real thing. I will wait for my own fairy tale, even if it takes me my entire lifetime to find it. Find the two-way magic love.

Repeat Offender

2012-08-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

We all make mistakes, sometimes day in and day out. There are the mistakes that we take and we actually learn from them and therefore never to make the same mistake again. Once in a while though, there is that one mistake that is probably the mistake that should be teaching us the biggest lesson of our lives, but what do we do? For some reason, this is the ONE mistake that we just can't seem to stop making. It's the one that just continues to bite us in the a** every single time. And every single time we say to ourselves, "I will not do this again". But when we get into the same type of situation, the mistake just creeps up on us, takes us by surprise and knocks us down once again. We all have different mistakes me make and ones that we just can't seem to learn from. Mine as you may know from previous posts, comes from the heart. My heart just keeps falling and falling and just can't stop. "Take is slow" and "don't fall this time", my mind will say. But my damn heart is so stubborn and for some reason cannot listen. Then when my heart is lost in its on little love song (alone by the way), my mind says "at least relax, back off and don't say anything stupid". Every time I say I am not going to do this, but with today's easy access to words, I do it EVERY single time. I say or do something so insecure and scare them away faster than Freddie Krueger scares dreamers. Not that these relationships would have worked out anyway or anything, but maybe if just once, I could seriously just relax and stop letting the worst get the best of me. It's hard though, really hard. You know maybe the butterflies are really poisonous rather than amazing. Maybe they should be swatted away rather than welcomed. Ummmm....something to think about it. We shouldn't live in regret because at one time it is exactly what we wanted, but you know sometimes we do things that we just want to turn back the clock and try just one more time. The worst part of it all is that we are stuck alone with these memories. These memories that once made our hearts skip a beat and take us to the happiest place on earth (aside from Disney). These memories hurt, because we are stuck realizing that we can't get these back or relive them again. I admit! I am a repeat offender once again for letting my emotions speak out of turn.

Not Knowing Gives Hope

2012-06-27T07:31:00.005-07:00

You know the old phrase "no news is good news". Sometimes that can really be true, because if there isn't any news then we can still have hope that the news will be in our favor. For example, you go for a job interview for a 'dream' job and you haven't heard any news yet. You can still have hope that the job is yours and that you will be able to finally do something you love for the money you want. Once the news comes, then hoping is all over. Either you got the job and you can be happy with the news or you get the bad news and have to move on from that dream and look towards something else. This can be really hard to do. Moving on from something you finally found that just seems to fit is hard and when it's right there in front of you, flaunted like a steak in front of a hungry lion, makes it even harder. So without the news, there is still hope. Hope is a very special thing. It gives us the ability to dream that something amazing will happen. Fantasy can still exist. Sometimes when the news gets here, the hoping, dreaming and fantasizing must cease. This is not always fun. So people ask me sometimes why I am not always open with my feelings well it's because I don't want the news. I don't want to lose the hope, dreams, and fantasies. Yes, I know that may not be the best way to live life. But I love dreaming, fantasizing and hoping for the ultimate fairy tale. So sometime the not knowing continues to gives us hope. Some may think it is just lying to ourselves. No I don't think that relationships or life should be based on lies or do I like being lied to by another, but this is me not going for the truth and therefore: I say what's worse a "lie that draws a smile or a truth that draws a tear".

Cherished Hugs

2012-05-24T13:11:00.001-07:00

I have been traveling for almost 5 years now and have been in and out of airport after airport. Each airport has its unique set up, from how they set up gates and terminals. They vary in the number of gates and terminals they have, ranging from many like Atlanta and not so many like Jacksonville. Each one has its own unique hustle and bustle as well, or some the lack of. However, one thing I notice every airport I've been in from the Atlantic to the Pacific are the hugs that occur when passengers are saying a sad "goodbye" or an excited "hello" or a combination of these. I see anxious people waiting for that welcomed visitor about to arrive and the look in their face when the person they have been anxiously waiting for, finally arrives. Then you see parents sending off their child, maybe for the first time, off on their own to somewhere, probably more exciting then home. The hugs that are exchanged are real, but simple. Their tearful goodbye can be just a little heartbreaking, even without knowing them at all. Then there's the little kid waiting for grandma and grandpa and jumping up and down like a frog on speed. It's just so amazing to see. Ok so sometimes, I see these scenarios and well put my own voice over as to what is really going on. I don't know these people or anything or really know what's going on, but there's a little bit of thrill and life in just imagining and creating what just might be going on. Though there have been many hug waiting groups awaiting some one's return or arrival and scenarios made up by yours truly, there's one that stands out but far. I was arriving in Columbus OH and when I stepped off the Jetway, there were about 20 people with American Flags, flowers, balloons, and signs saying "Welcome Home". I wasn't trying to be nosey or anything but had to wait and see. Here a military man came off the plan and this "party" erupted into cheers and happy tears. I sat back quietly and cried. How can you not? A man risked his life for our country and his family had to part. To see him come home to his family and joy and relief in their eyes was just incredible to see. The hugs were true passion and love. It just makes you think how simple a hug can be, but can be so cherished. Someone doesn't need to leave on a jet plane to deserve a hug. I remember the last time I hugged my mom and even though I hugged her the last time I saw her, I would do anything to hug her just one more time!! Though I do dream about her and hug her there, but it's just not quite the same, but I will take this over nothing. You can't hug enough!! Hug every day! A hug can turn a frown into a smile and a tear into a dimple.

The Big Red Truck ties the knot....

2012-05-05T20:05:00.002-07:00

Tonight, I found out that my one crush (The Big Red Truck as I referred to him in previous posts) tied the knot with his one true love and though I do am really happy for him and wish him all the happiness forever...Seeing the words and the forever kiss struck my heart with an arrow and not one from cupid. Actually, I think cupid likes to play dirty tricks on me. He likes to shoot me ONLY when the timing is wrong...like the timing with The Big Red Truck and when the guy won't be interested as in the Model, Unattainable Prince Charming and The Perfect Daddy. But when a guy is interest, the arrows miss me somehow and I just don't get it. Well back to The Big Red Truck. Wow, only 7 months ago I was sleeping in your arms truly lost in the fairytale and thought it was the start of something incredible, but unfortunately my silence and traveling got in the way. There were times that he did tell me he loved me. The first guy ever to say it more than once, but I never trusted I could believe him. He was living with someone, in a relationship and well obviously on his way to the alter. So it must have all been a lie. So maybe things happened for a reason and I wasn't the one walking towards him on his wedding day, because some greater power was screaming "she's not the one". (If you read this, The Big Red Truck, I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart ( a little cracked) but still very sincere. Best wishes for your new life. Oh and you looked very handsome and truly happy. ) Once again, I am not one for a one I wanted!!!

Blowing bubbles vs Blowing "IT"

2012-04-15T18:57:00.000-07:00

One day, I will blow bubbles instead of "it". Blowing bubbles are magical. They have multiple colors reflecting within them. They can float lightly through the air. They put many smiles on babies faces and can change the mood of someone in the vicinity of them. The are however very fragile and can break with the lightest touch, but they are a mood enhancer. So while don't I just blow bubbles...I forget I guess. When the emotions take control we forget what we are doing and our normalcy and reasonable self are lost in the emotions and the emotions take over. As we make some choices in this state, there is a very quiet voice in the back saying..." stop", but it's so soft that it goes unheard and un-followed. Without following this great advice, we begin to start blowing "it". I am a complete pro at this. I can't explain it. My friends are always saying it's not you it's just all the guys you fall for. I am here to tell all my friends that it's not them. It is me. I can play it cool for a little, but as soon as there is any little emotion I let the ugliness take over me and I start feel terrible about myself and then start acting ridiculous. I actually recently just acted stupid to a guy I really like, The Perfect Daddy, and no wonder he won't talk to me through any means of communication. (Side note though...I posted on facebook one time that we get rejected by so many avenues now and it makes it harder-not quoted, but close-and he was the ONLY one who said "Hi"...Ironic, huh) I guess it just hurt a little the first blow off. Look blowing "it" causes blow "offs". They go hand in hand. To tell you the honest truth. I look at myself when I do these silly things and I think omg I am a total turnoff. I see it. I know it...hello he's gonna see it too. I know that I really didn't have a chance anyway, but I would rather go out as a respected individual then the way I did as a nut case...Please don't order my straight jacket though. I think that before I text, email, facebook, or any means of communication with someone I like (especially if I am starting the conversation) I will go box or workout, because I notice that my insecurities are smothered and I feel better and don't feel as compelled to make silly choices. To The Perfect Daddy...I am sorry. I am not crazy. Actually, he doesn't even know who he is..LOL, but I do. And I believe in apologizing when you make a mistake...however I have made this mistake over and over and over again. So maybe I just need to date like 3-4 guys at once and be pulled in so many directions I can't get hooked on one. Well I am going to the store tomorrow to by some bubbles...with each pop I will forgive myself for my past blowing "its" and then move on and try to DO IT and NOT BLOW "IT".

Butterflies and Fireworks

2012-04-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

Though the butterflies have been eaten by spiders and the fireworks have been drenched by rain, I still believe that one day the butterflies will be fed and continue to grow while the fireworks will light up the sky into daylight. Butterflies are that sweet feeling you get in your stomach when you're in the presence of that special someone. The little flip flopping that is going on is the butterflies dancing around telling you that you are feeling something unique and special for this someone. Oh the feeling is amazing! It makes your whole body feel like it's pleasurably on fire. The butterflies spread to the mojo area as well firing up more of the senses in your body. Wow! butterflies are special little creatures. They are not bugs!! The fireworks are the sparks you feel with every little touch by this special someone. The shiver that goes from your lips down through your spine all the way to your toes. It is a powerful spark that lights up your world more than the great and powerful sun. It's a light that cannot be digitally cloned. When the butterflies meet the fireworks, that is when the magic takes place. When all the stars are aligned and the magic just takes over your entire body, inside and out. Butterflies and Fireworks are simple things in life, but can easily be diminished if not treated delicately. Butterflies and Fireworks can also be rare, especially paired together. So when you feel this powerful duo deep inside don't be afraid of it, go with it. Yes, there is a good chance that the butterflies when put out there will be eaten by the spiders and when the fireworks are released can be put out by the rain. But if you yourself release the rain and spiders...You will never know what it's like when a pair of butterflies and fireworks comes to meet another pair of butterflies and fireworks. And this is a show you don't want to miss...wait I haven't seen this show yet, but I hear it's incredible.

4, 3, 2, 1...ZERO!

2012-03-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

I have been sitting here for about 15 minutes just staring at the screen with so much going on in my head and heart so heavy I can barely pick it up off the bed. I just have no idea how to start saying what I need to say. So let's go back a few months. Way back in July 11, someone told me I should get back out there...the dating scene. I had a a few months that I just stayed away and to be honest it seemed so much easier...not as many disappointments. Then in July I joined a dating site, but since then I feel like I have been sad more than happy. The First was the Big Red Truck that you already have read about that and well timing played the devil in that. Then there was The Model and I have no clue what I did wrong there or what the heck happened. One minute he is saying names of possible kid names and oh if we live together then... . Then the next minute " I don't have time to spend with you." Then the first of the two resent. The Unattainable Prince Charming gave me my Cinderella night, but unlike Cinderella he will not come to see if the shoe fits. So I had this ball to go and the The Model was supposed to go with me, but I felt that I didn't want to spend my night sad knowing it was basically over, so I told him I didn't need a date anymore. So I went on facebook and was just going to ask someone who like PSU to go. So I bravely asked this amazing looking man...so out of my league. I thought there is absolutely no way he is going to go, but I had nothing to lose. I already had a broken heart. Do you believe, he actually said, "yes"? The day of he asked me for my number and all I could think was that he was calling to cancel, but no. He just wanted to talk before we actually met in person. So I drove to meet Unattainable Prince Charming. Oh my god, I was shaking. He was so sweet and charming that I was seriously under some kind of spell. It was a night I will remember always. But as his name says this Prince Charming is Unattainable. He can have any girl at any time. What guy would give up that life? But it was still amazing to think that a guy who could have any girl at any time and do anything he wanted on a Saturday night, he spent an amazing night with me. But it was just my Cinderella night. Then the most resent date was with Perfect Daddy. I call him this because he is so amazing with is daughter it just makes your heart skip a beat. I have actually known him since October, but we just haven't met until recently. Well we had a great date. He made dinner and we watched the Sixers beat up on the Celtics. Then we watched "Hall Pass"...look out not necessarily the best first date movie. I felt like I was hanging out with an old friend. It was so special. But once again I have a feeling that I will never see him again. I don't exactly know why. I just do. I mean I just seem to falling too fast too much lately. I went on one date, but had no desire to see him again. So I don't think that I am just trying to be with someone. These last 4 that I have met, really touched me in a special way. They all have made an impact on me. But now there are 4 more cracks in my heart and I am still left with zero. I feel a little like a zero, not good enough for anyone I fall for. I can't not explain this, but I have a feeling they see it. I need to work through this. I really do! Because once they see the good me, I would treat them so good, but my insecurities are so ugly and overtake everything else. Though I hope that Perfect Daddy does not give up on me. I will not be too much or bother him. I will just sit back and see what happens. If it is supposed to happen it will. I wouldn't mind being the Perfect Daddy's sweetheart, because he made my heart feel sweet. But I guess while I sit back, it is ok to still keep on moving on. You never know what's coming your way. Maybe the powerball or megamillion will come my way and then I will be so busy helping others and making some of my other dreams come true that my real Prince Charming will just come to my door with a glass slipper.

Enough...never is!!

2012-02-21T13:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes no matter how hard you try whether it's work, love...anything really, it just never seems enough. You somehow screw up and didn't do everything you could. This is so frustrating especially when the expectations are never presented properly. There is always something that comes back and takes a big chunk out of your tushy and it's really painful and STRESSFUL!!! Why, Why can't things just go smoothly in ANYTHING!!! I am tired of all the bumps in every part of my life. Bump after bump after bump...yikes. Please that is enough already!! I am so looking forward to going to the happiest place on earth for 10 days. Away from EVERYTHING reality!

They're back.....

2012-02-08T14:07:00.000-08:00

Not that they ever really left, but the demons have gotten loud once again. They just keep saying all these horrible and unfortunately believable things. I hung out with the "model" for a few weeks and it was great, seriously great. But how in God's name could I actually believe that GQ would stick with Good Housekeeping. I never truly had a shot. Another entry to come on all this. Now I sit and look in the mirror and hear these awful things in my mind and cannot get rid of them. It makes me seriously crazy. They are so powerful, so much more than those around me who try and make me feel better. But no matter what I do, the demons statements are so much louder, stronger and stick around much longer. I wish I could shut them up. Yes, I know I have the power do so, the sole power. I just can't find the confidence or energy to do so. Fighting them is so exhausting and I can't seem to find the right weapons to fight them. UGHHHHH....It is so frustrating and noisy. Please Shut Up!!!!!

Plastic Surgery

2012-01-30T18:30:00.000-08:00

Yes, I would like plastic surgery. I would like a light switch type device added to my head, so that I could turn my mind off and on as needed. For example during the day while I am working and having to be thinking I can turn my mind on, but when it is time to sleep I can flip that switch off and drift off into a peaceful sleep. There would be an automatic timer on it, of course, so that it would turn on at a specific time. In case of an emergency the switch would be deactivated. I know crazy, but hey it just might work to help me sleep and stay asleep. I could also use it when I just don't want to think about the crazy things that my mind wonders off too that cause pain or sadness. Speaking of controlling the heart's emotions, while at the plastic surgeon, I would like to get an intensity dial added to my heart. This way I could turn down the intensity of my feelings or dial them up as needed. I think that I would keep this dial at a low setting at all times. As of right now, my heart always seems to be set at the highest possible setting. It's way to heartbreaking all the time. Wow, if only medical technology were this advanced. I could have ALL the control.

For-NOW never for-EVER

2011-12-30T20:16:00.000-08:00

It seems to me that I always seem to be the for-now girl. I meet someone and they seem interested and keep me around for a little (now) than just for some reason start avoiding me and loose interest just as fast as it started. My heart continues to crack with each one who walks away. I always seem to watching this familiar scene of someone who stole my heart and than walks away. It's a lonely scene really. What is it about me that I can only get NOW out of them? Why can't he fall for me the way I fall for him? Maybe just maybe I have a balance issue and need to just stop falling. How do I do this? Live in a bubble..yes that might work. Ok maybe not. I keep falling and falling and I am totally sick of it. I am sick of being the one always cracked and hurt. Bandaids just don't cut it anymore. Maybe for-ever is just not for me. I am not going to have that kind of love. I just don't know how many for-nows I can handle. I just don't want now any more I want ever!!

Thanksgiving Day vs Turkey Day vs Shopping

2011-11-24T07:04:00.000-08:00

Today is my 36th Thanksgiving. I may not be able to remember all 36, but i do remember some of them. Right now I am sitting in my first apartment just thinking about Thanksgiving and what it is really all about. There seems to be a little controversy on what the day is really celebrated in honor of. Some say it is a day to give thanks (hence Thanks-giving). Some say it is Turkey Day, a day to eat turkey and spend time with your family, friends, and those you love. Some say it is just an overeating day. Some say it is a day to stand in line for hours upon hours to get that one special gift on Black Friday-aka Deal Day. Some say it is a day just to say Thank you for all you have. As I grew up, I feel that food has over powered the holiday a little, stress as well. It was all about who gets what left overs and how much? Who will make what and how much? In my family, one person always seemed to be the one responsible for most of all the hardwork. That's a lot to ask of one person. But I also think that though the food may have been at the fore front of many Thanksgivings, I do believe that the time we all spent together was very special. We didn't always state what we were thankful for, but we knew that we were family and enjoyed the time we were spending together. We were family. This year there is a lot of controversy over the stores opening tonight, yes on Thanksgiving to start the Black Friday deals early. Shouldn't Thanksgiving be about family and spending time with them and give thanks? Well who says standing in a long line for hours with a friend or family memeber isn't special and meaningful. Someone standing in line for all this time to Maybe get a special gift they want for a special someone. Isn't that in a way saying Thank You. Maybe today is about all of it-giving thanks-eating turkey, over eating a little (or whatever special food)-spending time with family-standing in long lines for deals-say thank you for everything you have (does it really matter exactly how you say it?). Maybe it's one or some combination of all of these. Isn't what really matters is that we do what ever we always do? Isn't is really about tradition? Tradition is an important part about today-remembering the past ones and trying to make the present one just a little better and exciting than last time. Well that's what I think about thanksgiving. Every Thanksgiving I try to remember what I am thankful for, but I get so overwhelmed with how much I really have, when I actually sit down and think it over (expecially if I am not down about something else). So here goes...I am very thankful for the following:
1. My favorite aunt: She does absolutely everything for everyone, especially me. She is my best friend, sister, aunt. Someone I look up to and will always be in debt to for all she has done for me. I wouldn't be the same person without her.
2.My mom: Though she has spent the last 8 Thanksgivings in heaven, I am still thankful I had her as my mommy. She was the best and I miss her everyday. She always did the cutest things for me.
3. My dad: for always being my dad and sending me little notes when I was a kid-ever day for lunch in school. And many more.
4. Grandparents: All my grandparents have hit a special part in my heart.
5. Aunts and uncles: I could go to some of my aunts with questions I needed answered.
6. Cousins: Love all them. I have one girl cousin who is more like a sister and one cousin like a brother and they hold a very special place in my heart as well.
7. All my friends: two that are married have really been there for me and we have gotten very close over the last two years and others that are so special to me. I am so lucky to have so many close friends.
8. Loves: each of you have made an imprint on my heart and have helped me become who I am today. Gumby-you made me realize some things I really need in a relationship. The Big Red Truck, you made me believe in butterflies and magic again.
9.Job-I have one and don't hate it.
10. My new apt: so excited to decorate and have something of my own.
11. Car: I have two.
12. Things: I have lots of them...thank you!
13. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I am thankful for that too!
See I consider myself very fortunate. Sometimes I lose sight of this when I am stressed, heartbroken, or lonely, but my fortune is out there. I know this. So whatever your Thanksgiving brings just remember one word and one word only-TRADITION!

My Heart is Bleeding...Blue and White!

2011-11-15T16:52:00.000-08:00

There is a lot going on this week, much sadness at the University where I once walked through the snow, the colorful leaves, the rain throughout the historic sites. A place where I went to class every day (yes I went to every class) and got a top notch education. A place where I felt safe as I walked through the amazing campus. A place that was a second home (first to some) to many people. A place where we had family. A man that once roamed our campus betrayed and violated children in the worst possible way. It is sick and so sad that this could happen in our community. As an alumnus, I sit back in pain thinking of the awful things these children had to go through. I feel for them and their families. My family is hurting as well (not to the extent I understand that). My school is being drug through the mud because of one monster and gang of cover upers. It is so sad, because we that once called this place "home" know that it is not what we truly stand for. We are much more than that. We are sad for the victims. We are...a family trying to pick up the pieces so it doesn't completely fall apart. Some of those looking in through the window do not truly understand. They think we are being selfish, because the children are the victims not us, TRUE...VERY TRUE. However when something bad happens in a family...it affects the entire family. It's like venom entering your hand...it spreads throughout your body. Also our "father" has been kicked to the curb for not doing enough. This has struck us all in our hearts. A man we all look up to for all his goodness and pride. How can this be? This cannot be my reality. It just can't. Others look down upon all of us who still show pride of our school. Is this not hate? Hate by association? Hate will not heal the victims. It won't. Kindness and generosity will not completely heal, but it will do more than hate. Please let the hate of the family be gone. Be disgusted with the one who deserves it, not the millions of others. We are passionate for a place we love and the people in it, that does not mean we condone the horrific behaviors of a few. My heart bleeds and though it is frowned upon by many...It bleeds Blue and white and always will and I will not be ashamed.

The Three Little Words

2011-11-06T19:55:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was a little girl my parents always told me how much they loved me...every day. My dad has always says he loves me every time we see each other or every time we talk on the phone. He says these powerful words every time. My mom continued to say "I love you" to me until the day she fell asleep for ever. I still dream of her and she hugs me in my dreams and tells me she loves me. I know in my heart that she still says "I love you" to me every day, I just can't hear it. (I love you Mommy and miss you so much. Please come see me in my dreams real soon.) It has always been easy for me to tell family that I love them and even hear it from them and believe it. I guess because I know nothing else when it comes to the ones who have loved me my whole life. In the past few years my best friend has told me she loved me as well and at first it was weird for me, but I have become much more comfortable with these three little words. I do love many people...my family, friends, and all the children in my life and I accept their love as well. There are all different kinds of love-family love-friendship love-human love just to start. However, when it comes to the deep magical love I become so hesitant to let that love come near me or express it. I remember my 6th grade boyfriend writing it in notes, but was that really love, not really. When I was a freshman in college, my boyfriend said, "I love you" then slept with someone else. No one ever said it again until my 6 1/2 year relationship with Gumby. He said it twice. I can't say I said it often. Like I said "I love you" means more to me than any other 8 letter arrangement. I think I was always scared I would say it and it not be returned. I have a lot of experience with the unrequited love. I am not sure Gumby ever felt it, just said it to keep me from walking away. I always dreamed that one day these three little words would come from the lips of someone who started my heart on fire, stimulated my mojo and livened up the butterflies within. Then my life would be complete and I would live my happily ever after saying "I love you" to him and he saying "I love you". Though that is not always the case, because my dream came true. The one (Big Red Truck) told me he loved me, but unfortunately he is not free to do so. However my heart does not understand this and just heard those words and just wanted to take him in my arms and hug him tightly and kiss him till I was so dizzy I would fall. Because "I love him" too. So for the first time these three little words hurt more than I thought they could ever hurt. Being loved is great, but being loved by someone you love, but cannot be with feels as if someone is stabbing my in the heart with a magic wand-rather than turning me into Cinderella, as a cruel joke. Maybe he just says it to, because he knows he never has to follow through with it...makes it easier that way. I don't know what to think. What am I supposed to learn from this? I don't know. How do I move on when I am in love with someone who says they could love me that way if they weren't taken? I need to learn. Maybe when the Model comes back from Las Vegas and I see him again some of these crazy Big Red Truck feelings can be slowly moved into his direction and if the three letter words come again....they will be mutual, magical and possible.

The Apple Tree

2011-11-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine saw this and sent it to me. She said it made her think of me. I am not sure who it is written by. But it is what inspired the previous post.
"Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."

So I guess this got me thinking that I will wait. I will wait for the one who will climb to the top of the tree to get me, and only take one apple off the tree.

Standing Still...Holding On

2011-11-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

This past week has been seriously insane when it comes to past heartbreaks. Within one week I have been in contact with 3 past heartbreaks in one way or another. I feel like I am just a standing stature with multiple roads extending out from my standing point. I stand there watching those I once held in my heart just continue to walk away. I stand watching them just walk and walk and walk in the wrong direction...not towards me. I said 3, yes. I will name them Gumby (from a previous post), the Big Red Truck (from a previous post) and the fantasy (just a crush I had 13 years ago and always wished something would have happened-nothing every did). Let's talk about Gumby first. Two years ago he walked away (ok..I made him walk away) with another. I stood in this very spot and just watched. A painful farewell. My fantasy was revisited this past week and just a glimpse of maybe just one night was in view for just a second, but he sprinted down his path in the opposite direction, but I still stand here and watch. And of course the most recent heartbreak, The Big Red Truck. Once again, no I haven't learned my lesson, I stand in this lonely spot just watching someone special walk down his path with another. This time I see him turn back and look at me and smile and sometimes even take maybe just a baby step towards me instead of away from me. But as always turns back the other way and continues to walk. So hope, just a little, fills up my heart and then vanishes faster than David Copperfield. So as I stand in my lonely spot I wonder, what am I doing here? Why do I stand here and just watch them continue to walk away from me? Why do I torture myself? I decided to look in some other directions and guess what there are many other paths to pursue. So what to do? Stand here and wait for him to come back in my direction while watching him get further and further away with another or take another path? Just because I would take a step on another path does not mean that a path once visited cannot merge sometime in the future. But standing still, standing watching all alone while a love loves another is doing what exactly, nothing but continuing to break my heart. So I am going to no longer stand still. I am going to start walking, maybe the further I walk from this sad and lonely place, the lighter my heart will feel and will let these new paths take me somewhere wonderful. Who knows an old path may open up again for me and lead me to that same blissful place. But I cannot just stand and wait, all alone, while he moves on towards a life of love. Watching doesn't get you anywhere, only doing does. Yes I could follow down on old path, but isn't that just getting me closer to the pain. Who know maybe one day, I will be worth it and I will be followed.