Diary of a young mom

I wish i had a chance to say bye.

2010-09-07T17:28:00.000-07:00

The call came early this morning. Just like that she was gone. I took some classes on death and dying and grieving and i thought that i was prepared for this kind of situation.
I did not go to work today and i went on my day as usual. It is only now hours after the call that it is hitting me all. I have done that i am supposed to do as a mother and wife. I made dinner, fed my son , talked to my friends. I did not really mention the news to anyone. I did not want them to ask me how i felt. That it is not their place. I am the strong one, always there for others... So i told couple of people and i moved on with my day, unaffected. Until this moment...
They told me in class that the first stage of grief is denial. Well i guess i am a classic case. When the first news came in two weeks ago that she was in the coma, i was so hopeful. I was so sure that she would pull through. Because i saw her the day before at work. I saw her and she had on this beautiful yellow shirt and this capri pants. She was glowing and we teased her about how young and good she looked. So when the next day i heard she was in the coma, i was in great denial. She had to pull through. Somehow during those two weeks, i started thinking about the possibility of her not making it through. Vaguely though, never truly wanting to think about it so much. So i went on for two weeks, walking aroung smiling and going about my business, because people of faith have to hold tight. People of faith pray and stop worrying.
It is now that it is hitting me like tones of bricks. My sweet, wonderful miss H, always smiling and having a nice word to give. How do i go on tomorrow like nothing happened? How do i walk in my office and look at her chair knowing that she would not be coming back. Papa God i am not sure how to this? The funny part is that she is probably looking down on us now smiling and laughing. In many ways she was always ready even in her conversations. She would always say that when my times come i will go i don't want any stress. I will go meet my father in heaven.
I am angry though. I wish i had a chance to say goodbye.

Child of destiny

2009-12-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

     I went to see Beyonce in concert this week and i was amazed. I have always liked her but she blew my mind with her talent. I came out of there inspired because there is no doubt in my mind that Beyonce was doing what she was created to do.
Many times i have heard people say that they don't believe in destiny. What that means to me is that you don't believe you have a purpose. EVERYONE IS BORN WITH A MISSION.
       The hardest part is to find out what that mission is.
How do i know what i am supposed to be doing, you might ask?
If you are like me, then you have wrestle with this question at some point or the other. I have dabbed into so many passions from dancing when i was younger, to reading, to criminal justice... I have always been one to try different things ; which can be a problem or a good thing. The benefit is that i am always learning, the negative is that it makes it confusing to narrow down my field of interest. To make things more completed, add the expectations of your loved one and you find yourself in a tricky situation. My father believed i was born to be a doctor just like him. The problem was that i did not know what i wanted to be but i knew who i did not want to be. I think a lot of people deal with this issue constantly and end up choosing not to choose.They end up going with the flow and what is expected of them. See there is nothing wrong with being what your parents want you to be if thats also what you want. However, some people just don't want to dissapoint the people they love so they go on into these professions that they highly dislike. We all know them, they are the nasty doctors, teachers, nurses.... The ones that never smile and you can tell they would love to be somewhere else.

           I am not here to bash anyone that feels stuck in the position they are in right now. I know what it means to have to stand on your own and follow what you believe in. Sometimes , you don't even know exactly what you want to do, all you know is what you dont want to do.For me i knew i definetly did not want to be a doctor, i still had no clue what i was meant to do. It is easier if you can say i can't be a doctor but i want to be a lawyer. It sounds better because at least it looks like you have a plan. However, for many people, they do not even know yet what their passion is. I encourage you to really think about what you are studying in school or the job you are working at. Are you just "there" with no direction because it is convenient or are you living out your destiny?

The hardest part of motherhood.

2009-08-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

Ethan turned 1 on august 19th and it was one of those out of body experience. I remember seeing one episode of Kimora Lee show and she was crying because her daughter was getting her hair straigtened. I kept laughing and thinking that she was such a drama queen, what was the big deal. Now that i am a mom , i know what the big deal is. She was crying because she did not want her daughter to grow up. I am the same way. When someone asks me how old baby E is i tell them 12 months instead of 1 year. Somehow, saying his age in months make me think that he is still a baby. So yes his first birthday was bitter sweet.

The sweet part, was that i am extremely blessed to have a healthy child. The birthday was amazing and i am grateful. The bitter part is that he is growing up. I think for me that is the hardest part of motherhood. So what's next, him going to school, having a girlfriend, getting married... Lord , please help me!

Don't give up

2009-07-28T22:28:00.000-07:00

Even when all things fall apart
Even when it looks like you will not make it
Even when you don't believe in you anymore
Please, don't give up

Never give up on yourself
Never give up on your dreams
Never give up
Because there is always hope
No matter how tough things get

So never give up.

A different kind of love

2009-06-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

The hardest thing about parenting so far is letting go. This week baby E has been going to the babysitter. We have been blessed because he has always been watched over by family members until this week. It is one of the hardest thing to drop him off in the morning. You are basically leaving this innocent, helpless baby to someone you don't know. Every morning, for a split second i wonder why so many women ever wanted to work. It is at those times that i regret having to work and having my own personal ambitions. Those are the moment that i wonder if i am doing the right thing.
However, the babysitter has been so great. He never cries when i drop him off, he is too busy playing with the other kids. The best part is that every day the babysitter e mails me some pix of baby E while i am at work, and my heart just melt. I would be at my desk, just working and i check my e-mail and here he is , my little bundle, smiling and looking so content... When i see that, i feel more at ease. I think every parents goes through this inner battle.

I never use to get parents. My sister would complain about my niece constantly and yet when i would come to take her ( my niece ) to spend the night my sister would call us non stop and want me to bring her back. I used to think that she had lost her mind. Why can't she make up her mind, u need a break and i am giving you one, what's the problem... Now i get it. It is an impossible kind of love. The kind of love that is exhausting yet rewarding. The kind of love that makes you want to yell at him and kiss him at the same time. The kind of love that makes me cry and rejoice when he is taking a man trip with his daddy. In reality, i doubt that you can know what true love means until you have a kid... I would die for my kid, i would fight for him, yet i need to remember to also live for him. By that i mean i need to remember that it is important for me to have a fufilling life aside from him. To self actualize so i can give him more because i would have more to give. I don't mean financially but i mean happiness. It is my firm belief that you can not give what you don't have. I refuse to be one of those parents that use their kids as an excuse for their failures. " if it was not because of you, i would have been..." No kid deserves that kind of burden. SO every morning when i drop him off at the babysitter i keep that in mind.

Baby Etiquette part 2

2009-05-19T12:54:00.000-07:00

The previous rules stated on baby etiquette part 1 still apply. However, there are some new rules that have come along. Here are the dos and don't when you are around a sligly older baby ( 6months and up)

1. Don't say " he looks nothing like you , he looks so much like..."

They might have been in situations where the baby really looked like someone ex boyfriend but please refrain from making that comment. Also,know that most parents really want their kids to look like them, so try to find some sort of resemblance to speak of.

2. Don't call the child names you will not want to be called
Just because the babies can not remember that you called them fat does not make it OK. I have heard people, parent included called kids the strangest names.

3. When babysitting someone's kid, please don't make any drastic changes to the child appearance.
No haircut please, or braiding unless you have permission from the parents.

4. Don't ask the parents silly questions like "why is the baby crying".
We don't know, being parents does not make us understand baby talk.

5. Don't have a two hours conversation with a parent without enquiring about their kids. That should be the second question after " how are you"

6. Don't get caught up in the comparaison game. " ooh, so he is 9 months and he is not crawling yet, really? i started walking at 7 months" Thats a big no no. Parents realy don't want anyone to call their child slow.

7. This is a big one, never say anything bad about the appearance. For example " ooh , you still look pregnant" or " i thought your stomach would have gone down by now" or " My gosh , after seeing those strech mark i am not sure i want to have a kid" All of those are extremely rude and uncalled for. It is only in western countries that a woman is expected to look like she has never had a child 6 months after the baby is born. Too many women are loosing their lives trying to fit into this ridiculous, impossible to achieve " perfect body". By the way, it is not ok to tell someone that they look good for a mom, what the hell does that mean. If you are going to give a compliment what can't you just say, you look good.

8. Don't take it personal if the baby is running away from you. LOL... My son did not want to come to me last night, the good news is that i was too sick to get mad. Can you imagine that? So if you have been present in a baby's life and he has an off day and acts like he does not know you, its ok, don't get offended

9. Do keep an eye on your stuff. "i am not liable for anything my child destroys while in his own home" Kids love electronics and they will usually put it in their mouth. So no i will not be replacing 400 dollars cell phones. keep an eye on your things and i would do the same when we come over your house.

10. Don't yell if a kid falls on the floor. I have a hard time with that one. I will be the first one to do it. But if you yell , the kids starts crying and it makes it worst.

11. Don't yell at someone'else child. Ok this is a big one, it could get you in some big trouble. Unless, you have been there for the child since he was born and he is family, i doubt that the parents would be OK with you "disciplining" their kids. We parent tend to be in denial and believe that our child is the most perfect baby in the world.

11. Don't look at us as strange. Being a parent does not mean that we are not " normal". We can talk about non baby related stuff. So you don't have to be nervous about coming around and having a regular conversation with us. For more on that check my post on i love him so.

I chose work

2009-05-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a post " i love him so" the other day about the joy of motherhood. So the first 6 months are easy, trust me. You can leave the baby in the middle of the bed and come back and find him in the same position. After that everything changes. Baby E is at that point where he can not stay in one spot for more than 2 seconds. To babysitt him you have to be at the top of your game.

I got a cold yesterday, and i left work early to go home. This morning, i still was not feeling well but i only had two options. It was either i stayed home with Ethan or went to work. I chose to go to work. Why? It takes less energy to be at work than being with Ethan. He requires stemina that i do n0t have . So here is the truth, parents do not really get days off, even when they are sick. My master plan is to pray a lot today, hopefully God will hear me and baby E will go to bed at around 8:30pm.

So if there is anything that i miss about my "old life" , it is the ability to be sick and get a sick day doing nothing... lol

Still love you baby E...

Crossroads

2009-04-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

I am at a crossroads in my life. This week will conclude three years and a half spent at the same job. My job had become my second home and i was so confortable at what i did. I had "job security" and worked with great people. So why on earth i am leaving?

Have you ever felt like you are "stuck"? Like you could be doing so much more and being so much more? Well, i have been feeling this way about my job for a long time. However, i stayed ... because i was confortable. I think that sometimes we are willing to be less and take less than what we deserve because it is safe and convenient. I got this job when i was a sophomore in college. My big plan was to look for another job after i graduated from college. However, when i graduated, i was offered a full time position at my current job, so i stayed. I stayed and probably would have stayed for years to come. However, sometimes it takes someone to rub you the wrong way for you to realize that it is time to move on.

So i am packing everything, experiences, friends, office... and starting a new job on monday. I think he has not hit me yet. I am convine that on monday i am going to drive to my old job. It is hard to leave what has become family to me but i know i am doing the right thing.

What about you? In a time where the economy is begging us to be cautious, are you "stuck" and waiting for a wake up call? I stayed for so long because i taught i had " job security", but that was the lie that i told myself to sleep at night. We all know that there is no such thing, unless it is your father company. I could have been let go at any time. ANYTIME. The other lie i told myself was that if i left and went somewhere else i would be the new person and you know what they say " the last one to come the first one to go". I know that this is not necesseraly true. When a company is looking at what position to eliminate they get rid of the ones that they can live without... So what is the real reason you are at your job? Have you reach the highest position you will have at your job, yet you are staying... Are you wanting to make 6 figures in a company where the CEO is not making that amount? Are you at the right job or are you like me and became comfortable?

I am at a crossroads in my life; and i am anxious, nervous and ecxited. What about you?

I love him so...

2009-04-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

Having a baby is one the most important decision one can make. I used to be terrified at the idea of having a kid. I was worried about whether i would be a good mother. I was worried about the weight gain. What about my relationship with my hubby? I felt like i still had things i wanted to do for me. I still wanted to drive my sport car and be "young". So the question is how has Ethan changed my life.

Ethan just turned 8 months couple days ago. I read all the books you can think of. I asked all the mothers around me for advises. I wanted to know if i was going to fall in love with him the second i saw him... Like in the movies. Well that did not happened for me. When he was born, the first thought that came to my mind after he was out was... Thank God he is Ok. The second thought was , when can i eat? After 20 hours without eating all i could think of was the fried rice my mother in law brought to the hospital.

I did not have that magical moment we see in the movie; with all the tears and the instant connection. Sorry Ethan. FOr the longest time , i could not believe that he was my child. I kept thinking that i was babysitting. To be honnest it probably took me a month to realize that Ethan was here to stay. That my hubby and I, had created this little bundle of joy.

How has our lives changed?

Not so much, we won't let it. Coming from a divorced home i know how important it is for parents to take care of their relationship. Is it easy to go drop off Ethan at grand ma. NO... But is it necessary for me and hubby to have that time? Hell yes.

I think having a child is what you make of it. I am working, going to school and a full time mom. Are there sacrifices that we make? Everyday, all day... I am now more motivated because i have a witness, who is believing everything i say. We are shaping his destiny and every mistakes, successes will impact me somehow. I doubt that one knows what love is until one has a child. I am crazyly, deeply, forever in love with my son. I will do anything for him and he is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

How is my life different than any other 23 years old?

The truth is that our lives has changed. Every furniture we buy from now on has to be child proof. The truth is that they are so many "important" things that we miss out on because we have to babysitt. The truth is that i might never drive a sport car and at some point i will get that mini van . The truth is that i am no longer that girl that was frightened nine months ago. I am a mother which to me means that i have to put my baby first. Anything or anyone that stops me from doing that needs to get out of my life. I was given the blessing to right all the wrong i think that my parents made when i was growing up. I am a very normal 23 years old ( whatever that means) . We go to parties, i still wear my short dresses. I still listen to BET and watch all my shows. Ecxept that i have a personal alarm clock that wakes me up at 8 am every morning no matter what. I have seen more diapers and poo that i care to really remember. It takes me longer to get out of the house. ( maybe 5 more minutes)...

Think of the activity you love the most and how much time flies while you are doing it. That 's what it is for me with Ethan. I have fallen in love with him. He is at that age where he will smile at you just because you walk in the room. Such a pure love, he loves us just because.... That is unconditional love. I have been saying that if i knew that this is how it was going to be to have a baby i would have had one at 16 ( lol).

what a weekend...

2009-04-13T07:20:00.000-07:00

This week-end was amazing. Two of my closest friends were celebrating their birthdays on friday and saturday. Also we (hubby and i) were celebrating my mom and mother in law birthday. On Saturday we went to a spa in virginia ( spa world). Everything was good at the spa until we walked in a room full of NAKED WOMEN. I am mean butt naked. For those who know me , they would attest that i have a problem changing in front of people ( even my mom). So imagine the shock when i walked in this room with women naked. It took a long while for me to get OK with the place. Once the initial shock wore off, i realize that this was an opportunity to enjoy something new. After all, i have been telling people for years how open minded i am. Yea right... Don't get me wrong, you don't have to get naked to be at that spa. Only if you want to use the pool. They had these hot rooms and ice rooms that relaxed you to your soul. What really surprised me was how relax and quiet everyone was. There were doing nothing but relaxing (i know its a spa, lol) . And yes by the end, we went in the pool naked and i know it sounds so ... But it was so not sexual, it was just being one with nature. LOL. Truly, there is something about the place that makes you feel at ease. Maybe it is because they were mothers and children around... It was so great and i will be going back.

After that we went to dinner ,the comedy club in DC and a party. Of all my years in the USA i have never gone to a comedy club. It was great.

On sunday we had people over to celebrate our mothers birthday. They are both born on the same month. These two women ( my mom and mother in law) are amazing in every way. They both have a heart of gold and will give you the last shirt on their chest. They are the best grand mother my son could have wished for. I love them both and they are a great inspriration to me.

God has blessed my husband and I with wonderful friends and a great familly. Seeing all the people that came out yesterday to help us celebrate reminded me of that. It's sometimes so easy to focus on the problems ( especially with our current economic situation) but when i really look at my friends and family i know i am blessed. My ladies came out and were in the kitchen for hours ( pepper master, crepe master, pepper soup master, baby sitter master, cake master...lol) and those that were not in the kitchen were handling the kids or cleaning up. You guys have made having a kid easy and fun. I love you guys.

Chris Brown and Rihana: America sweetheart?

2009-03-03T20:50:00.000-08:00

Rihanna and Chris Brown are supposely back together. The country is upset and judging. People were really behind Rihanna when they first heard about the " beat down". For those that were still a little bit skeptical when these pictures surfaces there were none left.

So you can imagine the huge shock when we heard that they got back together. People are outraged and confused. However, Rihanna is no different than any abuse woman out there. Statistics show that an abuse spouse, girlfriend would leave and go back 8 times before she finally moves on for good. Shocking? Well keep reading.

Abuse is a very vicious cycle. I doubt that this was the first time that chris brown got physical with Rihanna. I think that there had been pushing, mabye a slap or two in the past but nothing this serious. It is very rare that someone would get this kind of a beat down on the first round. I am saying first round because it is my belief there are many more rounds to come. Please understand that i like Chris Brown. They are many reasons that could explain his behavior. It could be the fame, or maybe he has witnessed or being the victim of some abuse in the past. The department of justice family violence unit clarifies this. " A man may abuse a woman because he has learned this behaviour in his childhood; has not learned appropriate ways of dealing with anger; is influenced by the way women and men are shown in the media; wants to maintain a tough macho image; believes violence is a way to show male power; has low self-esteem and wants his partner to be dependent on him; is influenced by TV sports, etc; thinks that there are few, if any, consequences for his violent acts. " So there are many places where Chris Brown may have learned his abusive behavior. However, We should never confused understanding a behavior with condoning it. He and the rest of men that are abusive must take responsability for their actions.

So lets put blame where blame is due. Chris Brown should have never put his hands on Rihanna. Rihanna should not get back with Chris Brown but she has. Does that make what he did OK? I think many people are struggling with this. They are probably thinking that if she is back with him then she deserves what she got. Why should they get involved. Here is what we need to understand. A woman that is being abused is stripped of her confidence. By the time the first hit comes, there has been a lot of emotional abuse going on already. Like my mom says no one ever goes on a first date and gets slapped. NEVER. It is starts with words, name calling. The abuser makes you feel worthless and by the time he hits you, you believe that you are nothing without him. I know, i know but this is Chris brown and Rihanna. How can Rihanna have low self esteem? She is hot and liked all over the world. Why is she staying?

She is staying because she is like most women that are abuse. She hopes he would change. Chris Brown has probaby sworn that he would never do it again. He has told her that he loves her so much that it makes him crazy sometimes. She believes him and loves him and decided to stay. No one knows if he is going to hit her again , but statistics show that in most cases it happens again and it gets worst.

I want to make sure that we do not blame the victim in domestic violence. ( in this case Rihanna) If you have a friend in the situation all you can do is be patient. Know that she is more likely to go back with the abuser. She does not need you to be judgemental. She is alreally judging herself. Also, know that women are higher risks of deadly retaliations when they try to escape. So you should not tell her to just pick up and go. She needs a plan of actions. Domestic violence is a very serious issue and if nothing else Chris Brown and Rihanna have brought it back into focus.

For more info : http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/Learning%20to%20Recognize%20Abuse.pdf

TV show junkie

2009-03-03T19:14:00.001-08:00

I love watching "reality" shows even though my husband reminds me that they are all scripted. I am in serious denial and i refuse to believe that my favorite shows are scripted. Here are my My top 5 at the moment.

1.The bachelor
Ok so i was heartbroken when jason was rejected by the bachelorette last season . So this season, I watched him every week as the bachelor in hope that he would find true love. I liked him because he seemed to be down to earth and nice. I just assumed that his last marriage ended because his wife did something wrong . Now i think l i might have been wrong on my judgement. Watch this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLfmHBthvFE
Jason changed his mind. He proposed to someone and then changed his mind. I am a little bit irritated because i don't get why he had to break up with her on national tv. I can hear my husband response " well baby, i told you it's all about ratings, it's fake. Think about it why would he break up with her and ask someone else out right away. It's all fake, they are making money of of women like you..." Even though i know there is a chance that he is right i can not help but to want to believe that this real. So back to the show.
On an update show that aired today, Jason, when asked how he felt about the whole situation said: "i don't regret where i am at , i am really happy..." Of course you are really happy, You had your cake and could eat it too. Why should you not be happy. Asshole. Why is it that people think that just because you have moved on to someone else you should not care about the other person feelings. Just because you are in a new relationship does not mean that what you had in the past was not beautiful and meaningful. So many people feel like they have to throw their exes under the bus to make their new partner feel secure. There is no reason for Jason to go on national TV again and act like a little high shool boy. There is a classy way to do things and i don't think he was classy.

I know i am getting too involved in this show but heck, i earned my dues. I watched every mondays.

2.The city:
My dear sweet wonderful whitney. Your boyfriend is a liar and a cheater. Why are women always in denial. If it acts like a dog, smells like a dog then he is probably a dog .

3.For the love of Ray J
This show keeps me laughing. What i love about it is that Ray J is truly acting like he is searching for a girlfriend. Is he saying that he can not find a girlfriend in hollywood?I guess he has an album coming out soon

4.Making the band
I can not help myself but to watch this show. There is something about p diddy that intrigues me. A man with no specific talent that has made a fortune. I can really appreciate that.

5. American Idol :
It depends on the season. The past two seasons have been a little bit boring. This season is looking promising.

These are just a few of my favorite shows. And of course Ophrah and Dr phill are way high on my list.

Soon to be Mrs...

2009-02-25T15:43:00.001-08:00

To change or not to change, there lies the question...

Women have taken on their husband's name for centuries, so what is this new trend of women wanting to hold on to their last name?
Personally i think that your name is your identity. Think about it this way,let's say Mcdonnald was a woman and got married to Mr smith and changed her name. Does she changed all her restaurant's name to " Smith burger".How would you feel about it as costumer. Even though everything else remains the same, people would still have a hard time adjusting. Your name represents your history, your accomplishments, your failures. It is true that if your failures are numerous you might be more than relieved to change your name. However, if you are proud of what you have become , you might be wrestling with this.

In my culture, it is extremely frown upon for a woman to even think of keeping her name. It is almost like you are insulting your husband to be by not making the change. They believe that You should be proud to become Mrs... But here is the question, what if you are also proud of being who you have always been. I feel like your partner should be an addition to your life and not a replacement. If changing one's name is a symbol for... Well what is it truly a symbol of... Submission, love, new beginnings?
I know there is something extremely beautiful in starting your life with someone and changing your name symbolizes that. However, what happens to your maiden name? Does that name stop existing for that person? Maybe it is like graduating from a school and moving on to a new school. But what happens if the new school later on rejects you and admits someone else. My mom is a great example, her passport has my father's last name ( they have been divorced for 10years), her ID has her maiden's name. So what should she do? Go back to her maiden's name and forget all the accomplishments she made as MRS? But that name was supposed to be her name until death did them apart.Why should shebe the one to feel the shame of going to the MVA and changing back to miss X... Well i know what many of you are thinking, she can not keep that name because it was not hers to begin with. So if the reality is that your husband's name is never truly yours because he can take it back at any point; and if the statistics are true that 1/3 of marriages end in divorce, it is then not a big surprise that many women are choosing to hold on to their " name".

Love is kind

2009-02-18T15:50:00.000-08:00

" But he loves me, and you don't know how nice he is."

" I am not trying to justify his behavior but sometimes it is my fault..."

" He has never done this to anyone else, it means that he truly love me..."

" I can't live without him, he was there for me when no one else was..."

" We have children together, i can't just pack up and leave"

These are few of the excuses/ explanations that i have heard from people that are in a abusive relationship. Let me start by saying that i am from a household where my father was abusive toward my mother. So if some of this sounds judgemental than i apologize because it is not meant that way. I have heard many women say that they are staying in a abusive relationship because of love. But is it really love when love is supposed to be kind? I also hear people say they stay in abusive relationships because of the kids. As someone who grew up in an abusive home, i know it was a terrible way to grow up. It stripped me away of my childhood and filled me with fears. Fears of my father walking through the door in the evening. Fear of relationships and love. It was not a happy house, seeing your father beating your mother has no benefits for the kids. It brings confusion simply because i had to pick my side. It was either i was going to blame my mother for being " weak" which i did for a long time or i was going to hate my father. Either way it is loose loose situation. I promessed myself that I would never let a man walk over me. NEVER. My mom says she stays for us. I wish she knew that we would have rather have them separated. I wish she knew that no child wants to see his mother cry. I wish someone had told her that this would scarred me for life. As of my father for a long time i did not blame him. I pushed aside any emotions relating to the abuse. It was so more convenient to blame my mom. Today, i wish i could say i am over it and i have move on. The truth is that from time to time, it all comes back to haunt me.

My mom told me that every relationship starts well, no one ever went on their first date and got slap. It starts with the small things. It is usually about control. It can begin with him saying that he does not like the friends you have, or the way you dress...What is confusing about abuse is that at the beginning it can be very cute. If you went and told your friends that your man only want both of you to go out, they will probably say that it is soo cute that he wants to be with you all the time. The truth is that it is very hard to have this conversation with "my people".Beating your wife where i am from is really not a big deal. My mom told me that her mom told her that she should be ready to cry a lot in her marriage. My mom said that she did not leave the marriage because of the beating, not at all , if that was all then she would still be married to my father. So i think that your view on abuse might differ depending on what culture you are from. However, for me there is no explanation or excuse that someone can give to put his hand on his woman.

They say that people that come from an abusive home are more likely to end up marrying someone that would abuse them. This statistic was really scary for me because i did not want to end up in an abusive relationship. I always told myself that this can never happen. But the truth is that it happens to others all the the time. So please look around you, look at your sister, your mother, your friends. How is their relationship with their partner. Are they always coming up with excuses to justify their bruises? Have they dramatically changed?

In some ways, the whole Chris Brown/ Rihanna is a great place to start the debate.

Put a ring on it

2009-02-02T07:35:00.001-08:00

Should a woman ask her significant other if and when they are going to get married? Is that proper or is it considered nagging and being too forward? I have heard both sides of the issue.

A lot of men complain that times have changed. They claim that back in the days a woman would never dare ask such questions " Women are now too forward..." But here is the catch, back in the days, courtship would take a couple months at the most. There was no such thing as dating someone for five years andthen moving in together to see if things would work out. Back in the days if you like Emma down the street, you went to her father and asked for her hand. Marriage was the respectful thing to do, the only way to get some "loving". Yes, things have definetly changed. We now live in a very confusing world, where you can love someone without being in love. Where you can see yourself with a girl short term but not long term. We live in the world of booty calls and friends with benefits and talking vs dating. One thing that's for sure is women feel more in control of their lives and men have developed a new disease: fear of commitment. ..

So tell me why a woman should be in a relationship and be holding her breath every time a big holiday comes around. Every time valentine’s day approach , one of us women get this phone call.
Your friend: " Girl i think this is it because he is been acting strange you know. And yeah, he told me to wear something nice for valentines day.
You: But he told you the same thing last year, remember…
Your friend: Yeah that was last year. This year is different, we are connecting on a new level. The other day, he said when "we" buy our house. See he is including me in his plans. I am sure this is it. Hell its been three years and i am not getting any younger, it better be it.
You: umh
Your friend: Oh yeah, so you know i got to get my nails done and look extra nice for when he proposed. Because he is going to proposed, Right? I mean, should i call his best friend and snoop around? I don't know what i would do if he does not proposed.

Ladies, why do we go through this trauma? Yeah, I know what you are thinking, you do not want to look pushy, you want the proposal to happen naturally.But here is the question, how is it working for you? If you are happy and content then more power to you, this article is not for you. But if you are having sleepless night, get frustrated everytime one of your friend get married then it is time for you to own up and speak up.

For all the men that are reading this and thinking to themselves, here we go again ;another one that want to tie us down…. Not at all, the issue is no really the timeline. There is no rule that says one has to get married after two years. The problem is the uncertainty. If you both agree that you are going to wait for ten years,then there is no problem at all. But if the conversation has not come up because you are too scared to put your cards on the table, then that’s when there is an issue.I believe in honesty and being straight forward even at the risk of looking pushy.

There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to know about her future. What are his plans? Does he see you as a potential wife for him? When does he plan on getting married? I believe that this conversation should happen and both parties should be upfront. Many things can be work out in a relationship but some can not. What you might find out is that the man of your dreams does not want kids and you want ten of them. Or that he wants to marry someone that is a virgin and you are no longer one. Truly wouldn't you want to know this early versus later.

It boils down to this, women have a biological clock and men don't. So if it looks like we are in a hurry it is because we are. We wish we had our whole lives in front of us and could take ten years to figure out if someone was the one , however, we do not have the time. So women, lets go out and own up to our feelings and fears. If you want to know then you have to ask.

I used to love to hate my body

2008-12-11T07:30:00.001-08:00

Growing up i was told that the way you look does not matter. I guess to prove that point, my dad thought it would be funny to make fun of us. He would make fun of our forehead, our weight… My dad used to say that when he looks at me he knows that beauty is not hereditary. Hahaha... So i grew up hiding my curves and focusing on my school. Yet, secretly I always admired women that were comfortable in their own skin. There is something so sexy about a woman accepting her body for what it is and playing up her assets. For a very long time, I walked around knowing that I was cute but wanting so much more. Here was my wish list:

1. Have a 6 pack stomach
2. Have smaller hips
3. Have bigger boobs
4. Have smaller feet (size 7 preferably)
5. Have long and curly hair
6. Have flawless skin
7. Be a size 6
The end product would have been a mixture of Beyonce and Halle Berry.

I would not say that i hated my body. I just disliked some parts of it; would have gladly traded it for another one. I would have even gotten a boob job if I was not worry about dying and money. So when i got pregnant and gained 40 pounds i knew then that i should have been happier with the way i looked. Isn't it funny how we don't know what we have until it is gone. I would look at my old pictures and i would get so so sad. I was sad because i had wasted all these years not appreciating the way i looked. Why is it that we act like being “pretty” is something we worked for. Like some babies in the stomach were working extra hard and came out looking prettier than others.

I have spent more time worrying about the way I look than how I can impact the world. I have spent so much time picking myself apart and fearing to be judged that I forgot to see the beauty in me. But that was the past and now i can finally say that i loooooooooooove my body just the way it is. I would not trade it with anyone. (Sorry Beyonce) . I love everything every part of my body. Not in a cocky way but in a loving way. My stretch marks tell a story. The ones on my lower back is the story of my trip to Ivory Coast. Gosh i ate so much on that trip. The one on my stomach are from carrying my 9 pound and 4 ounces baby boy. Don't blame him blame the Indian restaurant i was going to on a daily basis. I love my nappy hair (hope i can say nappy) and understand that no amount of perm or hair extension would make me look like i am mixed. I am not mixed my parents are both from Cameroon and there is not a trace of white in our heritage. So yeah my hair is short and nappy and i love it.

I really can relate to my dear Ophrah who is finally coming out and saying that she has put on some weight. We all knew that already but she feels like she has let the public down. But why should she feel that way! The woman is 50 years old and looking damn good. We do not owe any excuses, apologies to anyone for the way we look. This is ridiculous, if we spend as much time worrying about our internal beauty then the world would be a better place. Here is my understanding, if you are looking for external approval you will never be too thin enough, too light or dark enough, too anything enough simply because beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. So since it is my body, I choose to be the only opinion that’s relevant. Of course I want my husband to find me attractive but nonetheless that can not and should not dictate the way I feel about me. At the end of the day there is something extremely sexy and attractive about a woman that loves who she is.

Practice what you preach

2008-12-03T16:45:00.000-08:00

For so long i have been feeling like something is missing in my life. Almost like i was wasting the talents that God has given me. I have almost started so many businesses; however, they have never felt quite right. I have this thing of wanting to help the helpless; however, i always assumed that i needed to be "somebody" to be able to help. I thought that i needed to finish my master and have my life figured out first. After all, shouldn’t good charity start at home? Yet a part of me still knew I could do more. That God has sent me on earth for more; more than being a daughter, a wife, a student, a mother. I knew that I needed to do something to impact the world in a positive way. So many times we think that someone else, the ophrahs and bill gates of the world will do and should do something. But God has blessed me as much as he has blessed them. I might not be as financially rich as they are but i am also capable to give back. In that spirit I have created a foundation: “One Baby at the time".

Our goal is simple: “we cannot change the whole world but one baby at the time we can get closer to a better world.” The concept is straightforward. I would be collecting baby clothes from mothers that do not need them any longer and would be giving them to those that are in need. See babies grow out of clothes really fast. My son has some clothes that he has only worn once or twice. I am going to get the clothes and wash them, iron them and package them by sex and give them out to mommies in need.
The truth is that when i found out that we were expecting, i panicked. I did not feel we were ready financially, emotionally and all the ....lly you can think of. Still, the financially part was what kept me up at night. I truly did not think we will be OK. God knows i was wrong. So many came together and threw us the most amazing baby shower. We got more than we could ever imagine and for that i would be forever grateful.

I know they are mothers out there that are not as lucky as we were. They are still wondering what their babies are going to wear. Through" one baby at the time" we would be able to provide some relief to these moms. However, I cannot do this alone and I need your help. So here it is if you want to help. They are three easy ways:

1. You can donate baby's clothes or/and
2. You can pass the word around or/and
3. You can nominate someone you know that would be blessed by these clothes. (The identity of the person would remain confidential)

If you have any suggestions please feel free to comment.
If you want to nominate someone you know my personal e-mail address is sfonkoua@hotmail.com

To my African people

2008-11-23T05:28:00.000-08:00

With Obama winning, a lot of questions have been brought up by my African people. My mother for one, thought that as of January 20th all the illegal immigrants would automatically get papers. Even though I have told her that it does not work that way here in the USA, I think she still has hope. The truth is that President elect Obama is in a very tough spot. I doubt that the American public would take it lightly if he decides to do favors to Africans. The reality is that he is an American citizen first and his priority is and should be to solve the many issues that this country is going through. Still, I believe that president elect Obama has given us Africans the biggest gift we can possibly have. He has given the African continent a new and positive image; the rest however is in our hands.

I have been in this country for seven years and I have to say that I am not impressed
with my people's behavior and attitude. While some are doing some great and amazing things, others are lounging around. It's like we (Africans) do not like to endorse something or someone until it becomes successful. I have seen this time and time again. How many of us have an aunt that has a business here in the country and we do not even carry a flyer with us. How many have a cousin that has a talent and every day we are bringing him down? How many of us had endorse president elect Barack Obama at the very beginning, when it looked like he could not win. Better yet, when it even looked like he could win, how many of us sent money to his campaign? One last thing, how many of us are going to the inauguration in January? Also, why is it that the minute we become successful we decide to treat our own people like second class citizens. All of a sudden they are no longer good enough to work with. Well, it is time for us to take responsibility for our actions.

I used to get offended when people would say that all Africans are crooks. However, I now understand that we play a great part in perpetuating this stereotype. How many headlines have we seen with my people robbing a bank in this country or doing some shady business, or sending some funny e-mails. I am not mad about the people back home that are hustling and are suffering and resort to any means to make it. I can understand the situation back home being hopeless in many instances. But i am upset with my African brothers and sisters here who have taken this laid back attitude. We are known for parties but the minute someone is trying to ask for money for a project that would help our people all the excuses come out. " oooh, i don't have any money... "Or " please is someone paying my bills in this country" My favorite one is " yeah right, I know that guy, he is not going to send any money, he wants to use it to buy his new car..." I know those excuses too well because I have buried myself behind some of them.

However, it is time for us to stand up and stop the excuses. Stop pointing fingers at the white man as a justification to why we are where we are. I am not naive into thinking that they do not have a big part to play in where the continent is right now. Yet, the youth here in this country has no reasons not to do something productive. I am frustrated with all the young people that come here with no dreams. I am sick of some of my people wasting their lives doing ridiculous things. Like buying cars that they cannot afford or houses that are too big just to show of; or trying to fit in so hard that we lose ourselves. We need to go back to the basics. We need to change our thinking. We need to know that when one of us screws up it puts all of us in a tough spot. We need to know the sacrifices that our parents had to do to send us here. Trust me every parent that sent their child to this country has so much hope. For every child sent here they are thousands that are left behind wanting to be in that position. For each one of us here there is a whole family praying and hoping that you make it. I have yet to see us fighting for something that matters. The most I have seen us fight is about someone stepping on someone's shoes at a party, Or someone taking someone's girlfriend. But, there are wars going on in many of our countries. How many of us are actually doing something about it. Look at the Hispanic population fighting for their rights. Look at the gay and lesbians population raging hell for their rights. Look at how the African Americans rallied behind Obama. I am sick and tired to be invited to parties that have no purpose. If we can go pop champagnes at a club and make other people rich, then we can come together and do something productive for our people.

I too have a dream. I dream of the day that Africa would no longer be looked upon as a country but a s continent. I too dream of a day where my son would be proud to say I am African. I too dream of that day where my dear continent would be a force to be reckoned with. But it starts now, with each one of us taking responsibility for the image that we are portraying to the world. Here are little steps we can all take:
1. We start by supporting each other. What does it take to promote each other's businesses?
2. Stop thinking that someone else is going to come and change our countries for us. We are the future.
3. Start fighting for what we want instead of complaining.

Love takes time

2008-11-21T14:39:00.000-08:00

I was watching today's Oprah show about SEX. I found out that I have been mistaken for a long time.
I always thought that you should love your partner as you would want to be love. You know the bible old saying about do to others what you would want done to you. I followed this bible principle into my relationships. I was so proud of myself. I would spend time doing all the things I wanted to be done to me. For example, I would write nice little notes telling my husband how wonderful I think he is. I have never wondered if he actually enjoys these gestures. I assume that since I would love it then he would too. How very self centered of me.
What i found out watching the show was that there is a language of love that we all have. So instead of doing the things that i would like done to me, i should ask him what gestures equate to love for him.
Can you imagine? I have been wrong all these years. I mean i consider myself pretty good at this love thing but i was completely wrong. So i am on a new mission: learn my sweetheart language of love. This should be interesting....

What about you, Do you know your significant other language of love or were you as clueless as i was?

baby's etiquette

2008-11-18T05:28:00.000-08:00

Before I had a baby, I was really clueless on what to do, say or bring when I was going to visit someone that had a baby. When I saw new moms I felt strange, a little bit out of place. The whole pregnancy and giving birth thing really freaked me out; almost like they were part of their own club. So if you have ever felt that way, unsure on what to do when you go visit a newborn, here are some tips.

1. Gifts are a new mom best friend. If you are wondering what to bring to the new mom, I think that it is pretty unanimous that diapers or wipes are a great gift. I do not know any mom that will turn away diapers. If you are not sure about what size or what brand to buy, feel comfortable calling the mom and asking her. Better yet, you can always call her and say that you were thinking about getting her diapers but is there something else she would rather have you bring. Trust me we always need something. It is funny because when you have a child any trip to the store that you do not have to take is a blessing.

2. We need our rest. The first week that a mommy comes home, she needs her rest. I have never been as exhausted as I was the first week home. It’s like your hormones are raging and your body is soooooooooooo soared. Maybe the best comparison would be you feel like you were hit by a truck. Furthermore, you have so many expectations that you want to fulfill. For me I know that I wanted to be the perfect mom, wife and hostess. The problem is that your body just won’t let you. So here is the truth, even though we loooooooooooove to have people around, we still must rest. The best compromise would be to respect visiting hours. So no midnight visits

3. Compliments are a mom best friend. This could be the only time I ask people to lie. But yes we want compliment. So telling us something like “oooh you still look pregnant” is just not acceptable. That's the last thing we want to hear. Trust me we just spent 9 months pregnant we do not want to look pregnant. So yeah, I am asking you to lie if you have to.

4. Cleaniless is the key. Since we are on the subject of look. Please make sure you are looking clean and presentable. To my fellow ladies, watch what you wear. The truth is that most of us when we just give birth we can be a little paranoid. When you are coming to visit a baby, please abstain from wearing something too revealing.

5. Hand sanitizer. Use the hand sanitizer without making a scene. I am always perplexed why this is such a problem. People sometimes take it personal and I wonder why. Babies are sooooo susceptible to germs; please don't be offended if you are asked to use the hand sanitizer. Some moms have a hard time even telling people to do so, so use your discretions and do that anyway. If there is none available please just wash your hands. It shows that you care about the wellbeing of the baby.

6. No kissing of the baby on the lips. I am so sorry, but as much as babies are cuties, you can not kiss someone's baby on the lips. It is wrong on so many levels. I heard a story that horrified me. Someone kissed a baby on the lips not knowing that they had Hepatitis B and passed it to the baby. The baby got it and was paralyzed. So I know that the temptation can be there but don’t do it. No kissing on the lips. Also, ladies, babies love to suck on things. They will try to lick your skin. So please be aware especially if you are wearing makeup. Also, if you have a cold or you are coughing, postpone your visit, we will understand.

7. Right to have an epidural. I took the epidural so mind you I could be bias. I have heard so many times: “ooooh so you took the epidural, uhm, well you know the side effect. I mean if you were in Cameroon you would have pushed..." Well to start with, I feel like the decision to take the epidural should be left to the person giving birth. Also, if you think that it is not a good idea, you should keep it to yourself. There is nothing degrading with opting to take an epidural.

8. Don't forget the fathers. The fathers are heroes in their own right and too many times they are forgotten. They are there from the beginning; they take all the mood swings. They are the ones that hold our hands through most of it. So it is always nice to keep that in mind when preparing your visit.

9. No parties .Don't invite the couple to parties the same week as the baby is born. I am sorry but that is just not to thoughtful. They need time to bond as a family.

These are just a few suggestions, please let me know if you can think of anything else.

No longer a good fit

2008-11-11T07:11:00.000-08:00

I have been going trough some changes in the past year. Within a year I graduated from college, found my soul mate, we bought a house, got married and had a baby. During this process I have realized that friends in many respects can be compared to shoes.

There is the last minute shoe. The one you probably bought in a rush because it would match your outfit. You did not spend too much money on it or time before you bought it. Well, i have bought many of those shoes. Sometimes they were a size too small or too big but I was in a hurry and it matched my outfit. I wore them that night for the party and it hurt like hell and I never went back to wearing that shoe again. The same goes with some friends/acquaintances. You might have those "acquaintance/friends" that you always meet at parties and you guys are cool and stuff but it stops there. You might not even know their names and do not have their phone number but for some reason you guys always end up at the same parties.

There are also the shoes that you buy because that's all you can afford. I called it my “I wish shoe”. It's the fake coach, Gucci… shoe that you buy while waiting to get the real one.FYI there are some really good fake out there. However, even though no one else might know, you know that you are wearing a fake. You can dress it up, hook it up, yet it still remains a fake. Well we have some friends like that. The friend that you got because she was sitting next to you in class everyday and would always let you copy off her. The friend that was driving before you did and always gave you a ride. The friend that was popular and because of her you were also popular. The friend that was single when you were single and you guys could hate on all the guys together. The problem with these friends is that once the commodity that was keeping you together is gone, so is the friendship. SO what happened to the friend with whom you hated on all the men with when you fall in love and get married? What happens to the one that was giving you rides when you get a car? The same thing that happens to your fake coach shoes when you got the real one. You can either toss them to the curve or try to keep them in the back of the closet for old time sake.

Then you have the designer shoes; the one that you only wear for special occasions. The one you would get in a fight for because you waited way too long to buy it for someone to step on it. That's the friend that has everything you think you want to be “when you grow up". That's the friend around who you feel a little bit insecure, the one that seem to have it all. As much as you love that friend you still can't help it but to envy her a little bit.

However, my favorite shoe of all time did not cost me much. This shoe goes with all my outfits and is extremely comfortable yet classy. I have worn the shoe so much that he has become a signature look for me. The shoe has been well worn and has the stains to prove it. It is my maverick shoes. I can wear that shoe all day every day but because I love it so much i am cautious of not abusing my lovely shoes. I bought my maverick shoe when I had little money, and I was still so naive about the world. Yet these shoes have grown with me. This is the equivalent of a best friend. When I first met this friend I had no idea that we will end up here today. It was not like with the designer shoe where it was love at first sight. With this friend we had disagreement from the get go but we always manage to stick together. I have been close enough to this friend to see her flaws and her qualities. You know it’s not like the designer shoes that you buy because its a designer shoe, just to find out that it hurts worst than your one night shoe. Nooooooo, this friend has been studied and life has tested her and me. Even now, with my life totally different than when we met, she still fits in perfectly .

I have heard so many times that when you get married you loose a lot of your friends. Well that has been the case for me but I do not think that it is because I got married. I think that some of the relationships started changing a while back simply because I started changing. It has been tough for me especially because I hold my friends dearly to my heart. So when I was going through some of the changes in my life and some of those friends were not there it was really hard for me. My mom mentioned to me the other day that I also need to take responsibilities for some of the falling out. It is true that I do not have as much time as I used to. My conversations are always interrupted by my little one who does not care if I am talking on the phone. I also probably talk way too much about him with others. It is a fact I have changed even though I like to think of it as evolving. So many of the friends I used to have might not know how to adapt to the new me. Heck sometimes I do not know how to adapt to the new me. Yet I can not help but to be upset with them. Maybe I am trying to hold on to something that is no longer there. Maybe I want to turn my occasion shoes into my maverick shoe. I guess it is time to let it go, you know have a spring cleaning in my closet. It could be time to throw away all the one night only shoes and the fake designer shoes and make room for the real things in my life. I guess it is not so much about quantity it is about quality. Maybe there is no blame to put on me or the shoes, after all it is not our fault if we are no longer a fit.

The audacity of hope

2008-11-06T08:29:00.000-08:00

I have been a big fan of president-elect Barack Hussein Obama from the beginning. I read his two books. I think reading dreams from my fathers was life changing. The truth is that i never thought that i would live to see a black president. It is hard for me to put into words what his victory represents for me.

I have spent my whole life talking about people needing to follow their dreams and living their destiny. As of me, i have always known that i was born to be succesful and impact others. However, what amazed me about barack obama story is his audacity. You know they are dreams and they are dreams. How can a " skinny kid with a funny name" dream to be the president of the united states? I mean maybe some of us have thought about it vaguely before but it's one thing to think in your head and it is another to say it out loud. I am amazed. I wonder how that conversation went when he told his wife. I mean if my husband ( lets say for argument sake he was a senator)came to me and said that he wanted to run for president, i would laugh. I would tell him: " honey i believe in you but this country is not ready for a black president, so please lets save time, energy and shame; just forget about it. Trust me, i know what i 'm talking about"

How many of us have heard that kind of argument for an idea or a dream we have had. I know i have heard it many times from others. The truth is that it is not so much what others are saying about our ideas that hurt , it is the fact that what they are saying is a reflection of our own fears. Sometimes i don't even say my dreams out loud because i have killed them all by myself. At this point, i do not even let myself dream anymore. This takes me back to my question, how did this " skinny kid with a funny name" manage to dream that kind of dream. I mean wanting to be the president of the united states of America. Let's just look at it logically. His father is a foreigner from kenya ( we all know how people view Africa) , his mother is a "regular person". He is not extremely crazily rich, he is young with not much experience and yeah he is black. May i say that the odds were against him. But still he had the audacity of hoping, of dreaming that he of all people could maybe become the president of the united states of America.

Barack Obama story makes me question all the excuses i have used not to follow my dreams. I have so many of them. When i was single i used to say that i wanted to be married first so that my success would not come in the way of finding true love. Now that i am married i say that having a child makes it a bit difficult to follow my dreams. Yet the truth is that i am scared of failure or better yet maybe i am scared of success. Barack obama has put me to shame and has taken away all my fears. I now want to go back to dreaming like when i was a child. I want to go back to believing that i could be a senator. I want to go back to believing that maybe i can be a lawyer. I want to go back to believing that i do not have to be one specific thing , that i can ecxell in many different arena. That truly the sky is the limit. I wan to affect and help change the lives of women, the weak and the children. I want to believe that one day my name would be recorded in the history books. God knows i used to dream as a child, i truly believed that i could do anything with God help.

So when i heard that Barack Obama won, i cried. I cried for all the black americans that have struggled in this country. I cried for all the whites that made this possible, that look beyond race and that said we can not take back what we did in the past but we can start making things right now. I cried for my african continent that all of the sudden became something hot. I cried for all the broken dreams i have ever had. I cried like i knew Barack Obama personally.