Diary of an Angry Bipolar Housewife with O.C.D. Tendencies

Cleaning: Hubby Style vs. OCD Wife

2012-09-22T09:57:00.000-04:00

This is just the basics. I don't feel like adding more details at the moment.

Kitchen

OCD Wife:

Dishes
Clean microwave
Clean countertops
Clean stove/hood [ Inside and out]
Disinfect countertops
Clean fridge [ Inside and out]
Disinfect the rest of the kitchen high traffic surfaces
Clean and disinfect trash can
Sweep
Clean baseboards
Mop
Deodorize

Hubby:

Dishes
May clean stove top

Living Room

OCD Wife:

Dust everything
Clean baseboards
Clean all glass items, which includes ashtrays
Vacuum the carpet/couch and under things
Deodorize air and textiles

Hubby:

Dust the small area around the tv and tv.
Clean the table glass
Vacuum visible carpet
Deodorize air.

Hallway

OCD Wife:

Dust the thingy with the air filter
Baseboards
Use hose to get into all the cervices
Vacuum
Deodorize

Hubby:

Vacuum

Office*

Omg, we do it the same, but he needs glass cleaning lessons, lol.*

Cage:

OCD Wife:

Clean all surfaces, including bars and tray guards
Disinfect all surfaces, including bars and tray guards
Clean/disinfect litter boxes
Wash ferret linen
Organize cage when putting it back together

Hubby:

Remove poop from litter boxes
Wash ferret linen
Toss things in randomly, and leave tray guards off because he didn't pay attention when OCD Wife was explaining how to use them

I'd do the bedroom, but I think that's enough to get the picture.

Giant S'more Cookies!

2012-09-19T09:16:00.001-04:00

I actually haven't tried one yet because I shouldn't eat marshmallows. Probably should have not put them on two of the cookies. But here are the recipe and the results:

http://smells-like-home.com/2012/05/giant-smores-stuffed-chocolate-chip-cookies/

The recipe makes four huge cookies. The hubby and I used too much cookie dough. You can only fit two cookies per baking sheet.

We were very shocked to see the size of these monster cookies.

We decided to cut out the s'more part to make a more manageable cookie to eat.

I really enjoyed doing this together :D. Enjoy!

A Letter to My Husband

2012-09-12T14:11:00.001-04:00

The Things I’ve Wanted to Say

It’s a shame that we have been together for almost eight years, and yet I do not feel as if I can tell you my deepest darkest thoughts. I want to share my everything with you, but you won’t let me. You just shut me down. How can you get mad about me talking to other people about my problems when you don’t want to hear them? A relationship cannot work without communication. I try so hard to talk to you so we can build a healthy relationship, but you don’t respond. I don’t think you realize how that makes me feel. It makes me feel stupid, like I’m being annoying, and like you are not interested in me. I feel stupid because I keep trying to break down the wall between us, but you keep adding more bricks and mortar. I know you have your issues, but it’s been eight years and you are not making progress. It’s not like talking to me is a hard task. As someone you love it should be so easy. You should want to share every little detail with me. The fact that you don’t makes me feel as if you are not trying or I’m not the right one for you. It really hurts me that we can’t connect on such a basic level.

I tell you all the time how important those little things are to me, but you completely disregard me. I tell you that you are emotionally abusive, but you refuse to believe it. If someone tells you how they feel and you ignore, abate, or make them feel ashamed then you are being emotionally abusive. I have a mental illness and you know this, yet you continue to hurt me. Why shouldn’t I think that it’s intentional or that you don’t care about me when I have been so vehement about these issues?

You make me feel like less of an afterthought, which means you rarely factor my feelings in. I’ve told you how certain actions of yours make feel, but you continue to do them. I have expressed to more times than I should have to about how I view these actions as attacks, insults, how it makes me feel like a maid. Instead of trying to understand me you dismiss me and make me feel like I’m crazy and being unreasonable. I know that I’m off, but as my mate you’re not supposed to make me feel that way because your opinion has so much weight on how I feel about myself. I feel worthless. I feel that my life is pointless. I feel fat and ugly. I feel as if I am a burden, and that I’m better off dead because the most important people in my life would at least get enough money to take care of themselves for a while. As my husband it’s your job to uplift me and reassure me, but you don’t. You just help me dig a bigger deeper hole of depression and disappointment. I’ve told you that one of the reasons I feel fat and ugly is because you won’t have sex with me. I don’t care that I have fifty other guys telling me different because their opinions do not matter. I know your reasons for not having sex with me, but I told you there are other things you can do to make me feel as if you still desire me, but you don’t. Why should I not feel undesirable or question what’s wrong with me? It has to be me. It is always my fault. Everything is always my fault because I am a waste of space.

I’m trying to change my outlook, my vengeful ways, but you are not helping me. I try not to fall into my destructive cycles. Instead of catching me as I fall you push me, which accelerates my descent. I need a lot of love, attention, and patience, but you don’t give me those things anymore. How can you say you love me when you continue to do things that hurt me knowing I will boil over and retaliate to try to get you to understand my hurt? Instead of fixing the problem you make it worse by not addressing the real issue. I know a lot of things are my fault, but at what point are you supposed to take responsibility and say to yourself, “If I didn’t do these things then maybe she would change like she said”? You don’t trust me and you make me feel as if you need have. I feel that you are very insecure. Have you actually taken the time to analyze why you don’t trust me? You claim that it’s my track record, but you refuse to believe that treated me badly before you knew. Back then I did nothing at all for you to ever doubt and you did anyway. You have issues that you need to work on. I have done all I can, but I get nowhere because you dismiss me and insult me. You hurt me every day. As I was writing this I was crying because I fear you won’t take the time to read this or worse you will and you just will dismiss it like you have done so many times before. You don’t want to support me emotionally, but you want to get mad when I turn to someone else. You complain about buying my gas and paying my phone bill, but you’ll get mad if I let someone else do it.

There is just so much more I can say, and that is terrible. I don’t want you feel like I’m blaming you or trying to make you feel guilty. I’m trying to get you to understand why I can’t go with you. We are stuck in a rut, and we cannot get out together unfortunately. When we are apart for extended periods I feel so appreciated, loved, and important. I want that again. I need for us to shed these negative images we have of each other. There is no way we can continue the way we are now. You say that you want me to be responsible and independent, but you won’t let me go to do those things. Why should I move 3,417 miles away from my family, who are more than willing to provide me the emotional support I need, to be with a person who does not listen to me, makes me feel so small, is emotionally abusive, no longer has the patience to deal with me, has such a negative image of me, and refuses to compromise or understand my side.

What I Need for You to Do

v Realize that you are emotionally abusive http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168

v Take out the trash and clean your bathroom

v Pick up behind yourself so I don’t feel like a maid

v Express that you desire me even if you can’t execute

v Trust me when I’m on my meds

v Talk to me

v Stop shutting me out or down because you don’t know what to do

v Be clear, direct, and honest with me

v Understand that I am not normal

v Be patient with me

v Understand that it is hard for me to understand things without a why

v Get help about your problems

v Stop letting the past hold us back

Hectic

2012-09-12T14:10:00.000-04:00

So I feel the need to explain my absence, but I don't have time to do it right now. I will update this post later when eyes are not watching.

Update 9/14/12

It's really hard maintaining a secret blog from your husband when your computers are right next to each other. I started off posting early in the morning, but I have been too tired to stay awake long enough for him to go to sleep. If I try to post after he lives then I have to explain why nothing is done in the house. All was going well until I got a temporary job. It was just three days, but the fact that I was able to work a 24-hour shift started a snowball to roll down hill. However, now that things are resolved I don't want to remember the events that were supposed to fill this post because I am naive, hopeful, and in denial. I don't want a reality check right now. So the quick summary is that the hubby is moving some where I don't want to go, and I wasn't going to go, but now I am and I hope for the best. Is is oxymoronic to be a pessimist with optimism?

The Results Are In!/ Rationalizing

2012-08-27T08:07:00.000-04:00

I was super duper worried, but I lose 3.2 pounds. I'm just so happy I felt the need to post that tadbit of info right away. I'm going to reward myself with more sleep because I'm going to try my best not to nap today. When I wake up I'm going to finally start P90X Lean. After my full workout I'll remeasure and wrap myself. I hope I can make it eating that long.

Update 1:

So I shamed out big time on my workout. I only did half of my P90X workout and I haven't hit the treadmill yet. I forgot how much I loathe Core Synergistics. Fuck that. I'd rather do a bunch of push-ups until muscle failure followed by Ab Ripper X, and that's exactly what I'm going to do when it shows up on the schedule again. I'm starving so I'm going to eat my late breakfast.

Update 1.5:

Omg this True Blood episode is amazing. I really be cleaning or working out right now.

Update 2:

Turns out it was the season finale XD! So there are things that I need to do, want to do, and have to do. I'm going to mix them all in together and that way I won't feel bad.

Need to do: Clean kitchen, bedroom, living room, bathroom, office, boy's cage, do laundry, fix closets, cook, wrap myself, and workout.

Want to do: Watch Drop Dead Diva & Single Ladies, read Fifty Shades Darker, browse Facebook, finish blog posts, give myself a facial, take care of my hair, soak my feet, watch my babies play, and play Rift.

Have to do: Cook, clean the living room, and at least make visible progress on the bedroom front.

Since I am the Queen/King of Rationalizing/Procrastination I'm going to watch Drop Dead Diva while I wrap myself, and browse Facebook ;).

The fear

2012-08-27T07:48:00.001-04:00

Well it's Monday, a.k.a Resolution Day. I always try to find some kind of resolve on Monday. It's like starting the week off right for me. Mondays should be something to look forward to because I get to see my progress when I'm working out, but I'm scared today. This weekend I ate out for lunch because I was a good distance away from home doing my extremely part time job. I couldn't find the calorie information one day so I had to guess, and on Sunday I thought my choice was harmless. Zaxby's ought to be ashamed of themselves. I ordered the Kiddie Cheese meal, which is a small fry, super small cup, and 1/2 a grilled cheese [I got a full sandwich not knowing it was a big mistake]. The 1/2 a grilled cheese is 450 calories alone, and the calorie breakdown is nothing nice. The full sandwich is tiny and it consisted of 900 calories! It had so many calories that I couldn't eat dinner :(. I also didn't drink enough water those days. That was just me not pushing myself to do so. I just don't like going to the bathroom that much away from home.

I'm afraid that I have gained again. That will make two weeks in a row, but I did lose three pounds after the first week. I have a deadline to meet to lose 14 pounds, and I don't think I can make it without sacrificing muscle. I have procrastinated enough. It is time to face the scale and tape.

Bacon Cheeseburger Chicken

2012-08-24T19:56:00.002-04:00

This little gem was stolen from http://www.kevinandamanda.com/recipes/dinner/bacon-cheeseburger-chicken.html. Check out their blog for lots of tasty looking recipes.

It Works Wraps Results (Wrap 1/15)

2012-08-24T10:56:00.000-04:00

So I was very excited to see my results since I am hydrating and I'm also watching my food intake while working out [Things I did not do while using my first eight wraps. I still saw results though, despite the fact that I didn't really follow the instructions outside of application]. Sadly my average inch loss has not increased. My friend who introduced me to the wraps always tells me it's because I'm already tiny. Ha! Oh how my body fools the eyes when I'm not naked. Granted I didn't lose as much as I wanted to, but it does not change the fact that I did lose some inches. Any progress I can measure encourages me to keep pushing towards my goals.

I don't think I really explained the wraps last time I mentioned them, but a quick internet search can fill in the blanks for you. The wraps claim to make you lose inches almost instantly. Keyword there is inches not weight. Don't confuse this. I'm really not sure how it works, but it does work for me, and other people that I've had try them because I find them amazing for my motivation levels. You simply put the wrap on for 45 minutes to an hour [longer if you like, but I'm not sure if it helps] , and voila "instant" inches loss. But some people actually bloat and gain inches, but any person that sells the wraps will tell you that bloaters normally lose more on average. I sound like I sell these things, but I really don't. This is just my honest uninfluenced opinion/experience. Now if you would like to try them I suggest checking Craigslist to see if someone in your area sells them. Sellers are supposed to sell the wraps for around 25 to 30 each, but if you check places like eBay then the prices are outrageous. I looked once thinking I could get a better deal and the seller was selling one wrap [$75] for more than what I paid for four with shipping/taxes from the company [with the loyal customer discount ($67.36)] If you have the disposable income I do recommend trying them to see if they work for you. This is too good to be true so the results are probably temporary if you don't do the right thing, i.e. good diet, proper hydration, and exercise.

I hoarded my monthly shipments of wraps just so I could use them as intended, which is every 72 hours until you reach your goal. I "gave" one away so that left me with 15 [ You get four in a pack]. I would have a larger stash, but my disposable income ran out :( so I canceled my monthly orders. Random thought: The wraps are cold at first, but they warm up. I think it feels like someone put Icy Hot on whatever area you put the wrap on.

Results 8/21/12-8/24/2012:

Before Wrap- Top: 31 inches, Middle: 30 inches, Bottom 35  inches
After Wrap- Top: 31 inches, Middle: 30 inches, Bottom 34  inches
Three Days Later-Top: 31 inches, Middle:29.5 inches, Bottom 33  inches

So overall I lost 2.5 inches with this wrap. Not bad.

Official site: https://www.myitworks.com/Home

Random Weight Loss Tips (W.I.P)

2012-08-23T22:36:00.001-04:00

Didn't have any ideas for a post today since I ordered pizza instead of cooking. So I'm just going to share random tips I've learned that help me lose weight. This list will get updated as a remember stuff, or I might just do a part two and so on.

1. Drink water! Drink water! Drink water! Drink water! Drink water! Drink water! Drink water! Drink ICE COLD water!

Try to drink at least half your body weight in ounces. Drinking water does A LOT of good stuff for you. Also the colder the better since your body has to use energy to warm it up. Check out these 11 reasons to drink up http://www.mangosteen-natural-remedies.com/benefits-of-drinking-water.html

2. Drink at least 8oz of fluid (water preferably) before and after each meal/snack.

This serves two purposes, it helps you meet your daily water goal, and it helps you feel fuller faster ;)

3. Fight cravings with willpower, distractions, reasoning, and exercise.

Willpower: Don't eat it because it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back or the lose whatever that opens the flood gates.

Distractions: Eat three servings of "hard to digest" items before you eat whatever you're craving.
"Negative calorie" food list- http://caloriecount.about.com/forums/foods/list-negative-calorie-foods
For example, I would eat two apples and some broccoli and have 16oz. of water before eating the cookie that's calling my name. More often than not there's no room for the cookie ;).

Reasoning: This whatever has blah blah amount of calories so that means I can have it/ I have to cut back tomorrow/ I need to burn more calories to fit it in/ I can eat this instead.

Example: Otis Spunkmeyer Chocolate Chocolate Chip Muffin. Serving size 1/2 a freaking muffin for 220 calories, but I'm eating the whole damn thing like a normal person so 440.

Exercise: This food has blah blah calories so do the work to negate it.

Mushroom Alfredo Shrimp Fettuccine with Broccoli

2012-08-22T21:31:00.002-04:00

Post to save the right date. I'll fix it eventually XD.

Improvised Sweet and Sour Pork

2012-08-22T13:57:00.002-04:00

Okay normally if I make Sweet and Sour Pork I use this recipe as a guideline http://chinesefood.about.com/od/pork/r/sweetsourpork.htm, but I didn't have all of the ingredients so I just improvised like a mad woman. I love exact measurements as much as the next OCD person, but this was truly just tossed together because I needed to cook the boneless chops before they go bad. I wanted to make a standard format for my cooking related posts, but that is going to have to wait. This recipe was designed to provide two servings since the hubby is anti-leftovers. I actually made it last night but didn't finish the post.

Ingredients:

5 Boneless Pork Chops
? Flour
? Teriyaki Sauce
? Sweet and Sour Sauce
? Garlic Powder
? Paprika
1 Package Uncle Ben's Ready Rice [I used Garden Vegetable this time, but I prefer the fried or teriyaki variety.]
? Canola Oil

Steps:

1. Preheat your oil for frying the meat. I used my deep fryer at 375. Stove top works as well, but that's how I burned down my kitchen so I'll stick to what I know XD.

2. Trim fat from chops as you cut them into bite size cubes.

3. Place cubes in a medium bowl and season. I just added enough seasoning and teriyaki to coat all the pieces evenly. However, I've been told I'm very light handed with seasoning. Repeat this process with the flour.

4.Put the flour coated meat chunks in the basket and fry for about five minutes or until golden brown/crispy.

5. Drain meat then place in a skillet which you will have on medium low heat. Add sweet and sour sauce and coat the meat completely.

6. Pop rice in microwave for 90 seconds.

7. Serve how you like once rice is done.

Simple enough, and it takes like 30 minutes if that.

Ugh

2012-08-21T16:04:00.000-04:00

So I didn't workout yesterday. I was supposed to start but didn't, so I will start weight training next week and just focus on cardio this week. I really need to stop letting little shit stop me. I haven't been happy with my body for a long time, and it's time I do something about it. Funny thing is most people don't understand because I look fine in my clothes and people normally get my weight wrong at least -15 pounds so I should be happy right? However, I don't like what I see in the mirror. My face is fat, my six pack is covered by a dense layer of fat, and my thighs are too big to fit in my clothes from Japan. I know their are people that would kill to wear a size nine [pants], but I'd rather be a three. It has nothing to do with the media's standard of beauty. It's just my harajuku fashion taste are easier to satisfy if I'm smaller. You can't wear thigh high socks in public with muffin tops. That's just wrong.

That is Ernestine Shepherd, 75 I think. If she can do it then there are no excuses left in the world outside of death or the truth, which would be you are a lazy complacent fool who has accepted failure and flab. People have always tried to discourage me from lifting not realizing I'm aiming for something like this:

But all they picture is this when they hear bodybuilding:

I need to take control of my body and life before it is too late. But then again it's not like I really give a fuck anymore. I'm really just waiting for some random act of violence to take me out so my family can enjoy the insurance money.

It's been awhile/ Fitness plans

2012-08-20T08:15:00.000-04:00

Life sucks. Moving on, I have been so wrapped up in crap lately that I haven't gotten much accomplished lately. I feel as if I'm losing my freaking mind, but once again I am trying to write in my blog daily. The thought occurred to me that I should use this space for more than complaining about the bad days that I choose to write about. If I really want to make my book interesting I should chronicle more of my life to give me inspiration later. I really believe that my frustrations now are the key to developing a tormented, but lovable protagonist.

I've been through a lot,but I will only give a small recap because my memory is almost like that of a gold fish. The fire thing is almost completely resolved, I'm not moving yet, I lost a good friend of 10 years because I slept with his wife, my husband is still an asshole, and I'm looking for work again.

So back to the using my blog for more. I am thinking I should also track my weight loss progress and post some meals I cook. I want to lose 42.6 pounds, but I only need to lose 14.6. Eating all that take out since I couldn't cook really caught up to me, and my lack of activity did not help.

So here are my starting stats:

Height: 5'4
Weight: 157.6
Body Fat: 28.89%

I want them to be...
Height: 5'7 [I stopped growing 15years ago, lol. A girl can dream]
Weight: 115
Body Fat: 15%

The current plan is to do P90X Lean, 20 min of cardio, and toss in some random push-ups throughout the day. I will also be using "It Works" Wraps. I don't know if they really work, but you do see instant results and that encouragement is worth the price for me. This will be my first time using the wraps while dieting and exercising so this should be interesting. As far as supplements go I will be finishing a leftover bottle of Oxyelite Pro [OEP is supposed to be really good, but my body doesn't respond to it well. It is worth a try to see if it works for you] and Lipozene [Lipozene is very overpriced fiber. I got it really cheap so I figured I would try it. Personally I wouldn't recommend it]. I will also take a multivitamin, CLA [conjugated linoleic acid] ,fish oil, Vitamin C, and calcium.

This week's targets are to lose 1.5 pounds, eat at least 90g of protein daily, and drink at least 80oz of fluid daily. I should be working out 6.5 days a week and eating an average 1700 calories daily.

Websites I like to use:

http://fatsecret.com- Online food diary with app.
http://www.linear-software.com/online.html- Body Fat Calculator
http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm- Daily Caloric Intake Calculator

Well, that's it for now.

See the way my blog is set up...

2012-06-15T14:12:00.001-04:00

So because I'm a re re I sometimes feel the need to explain myself. I don't know if anyone cares, but I'm just going to break down some of my common blogging practices in a post.

The title of each post is basically my core point of the post, or how I feel overall, or the random thought that enters my mind when I decide to post, which is a loose association. In some cases the title is a reference to something else. For example this title refers to a popular Kevin Hart joke [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fR-TyOSEJ8 4:10 ish.] <------indicates extra information

Usually when I'm typing there are other thoughts going through my head. Sometimes I feel the need to share them and those thoughts are shown like this: Do you really think anyone cares about the way your blog is setup. Not really, but I felt the need to do this post so I'm going to do this post. It's my blog so I can write what I want. Bold indicates me raising my voice with extra emphasis. CAPS OF COURSE IS YELLING ;).

Haven't done this yet, but highlighted text is something I want to grab my attention when I reread the post.

And that's it! Laters. That was pointless. You can't seriously think that counts as posting daily? You forgot to mention using different colors for each voice. I guess you're just gonna keep lumping us together as one enity as if we where Legion or some shit. Okay then be like that.

Signs your marriage is over

2012-06-14T17:32:00.002-04:00

So I was just doing some research to prove to myself what I already know. Right now I see my marriage as a game. The objective of this game is to see how far the pachyderm [it's a game you so you have to have character choices, duh], which carries all of our baggage, can get while trying to navigate the paper-thin sheet of ice that covers an underwater minefield. The elephant [I want it to be an elephant in this case for various reasons that I will not go into detail about] usually makes it to the exact spot and has the exact same problems, so naturally the poor creature explodes under the weight of the baggage. Oh, I forgot to mention that as the pachyderm crosses then minefield more RNG [random number generator-basically a phrase to explain mechanics in game that will happen, but it is randomly determined how or when it will happen] baggage is added to increase the pressure. I get stuck at the continue screen for various amounts of time, and just when I think it's over and I'm ready to quit the game, I hit continue.

So here are random excerpts from articles I read today:

1. You no longer, have anything in common.

Do you and your partner spend hours together under the same roof, at social engagements or performing routine errands, yet rarely engage in meaningful conversation? Living in silence is a primary symptom of major marital problems.

2. You can do no right.

Do you feel like your every action is being watched and criticized by your partner? Can you do no right in their eyes? Do you feel intimidated or afraid because of your partners constant criticism? Too often partners will funnel larger relationship issues into negative criticism of day-to-day tasks.

5. Looking for distractions from the problems.

If the television is on constantly, you both sit with your face buried in a book or you always have something else that needs to be done there may be a problem. It is common for individuals to find such distractions to avoid dealing with a troubled marriage.

6. Arguing over the same subject repeatedly.

If your arguments become routine with all the same issues and no resolution, then your marriage is either standing still or dying fast. You may need the assistance of a professional counselor to help find solutions to the problems that don't seem to go away.

7. Intimacy is a thing of the past.

A considerable decline in physical affection is one of the most recognized symptoms of a failing relationship. Intimacy is the act that allows us to bond as husband and wife. If your partner is showing no or very little interest in having sex with you then they are showing little concern for their emotional bond with you as a husband/wife.

[There were seven items in this list http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/signsyourmarriageisover/tp/warningsigns.htm. Moving on.]

put aside goals you have set for yourself,
isolates you from friends and family,
limits what you are allowed to do for entertainment,
constantly nag to get what you want and need,
make excuses for your spouse’s behavior,
feel as if you have to walk on eggshells,
let go of who you are as an individual,
worry constantly over the problems in the marriage,
question yourself over and over again about why you are still there.

[There were 11 items in this list http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/f/divorc_time.htm.

Highlighted items may be due to my disorder. Moving on.]

Money problems. Most couples argue over bills, debt, spending, and other financial issues.

Sex. Frequency, quantity, quality, and infidelity are all common sources of stress and disharmony in a marriage.

Time apart. Time apart and a lack of quality time together serves to get people out of sync with each other.

Household Responsibilities. - Many couples argue over equitable distribution of household work, and how to do it. Instead of sitting down and dividing household chores fairly they quibble over who did or didn’t do what.

Friends.

Irritating habits.

Expectations.

Personality conflicts. Is your personality ruining your marriage? There are personality traits that can doom a marriage to failure. Are you a conflict avoider? Do you like to “one-up your spouse? Do you bend over backwards to please your spouse, neglecting your needs in the process? If you answered yes to any of these, you need to work on changes these negative personality traits.

[This was a 10 item list. http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/qt/marital_discord.htm]

Your partner can’t see the reality of your marriage

If your spouse doesn’t understand how his actions are affecting you – and even worse, refuses to compromise – then your marriage will be difficult to rebuild. To rise from rock bottom, both partners have to see how their actions or inactions are affecting the relationship – and both partners have to be willing to work on it.

Your spouse sees how thing are, but doesn’t care

You can communicate until you’re blue in the face, but if your partner doesn’t care how you feel or whether the relationship is healthy, then perhaps it’s a sign your marriage is over.

You don’t connect with your spouse

You have different visions of the future of your marriage

He wants a four million dollar home on oceanfront property; you want to live in a cottage in the country. He wants six children; you’d rather be childfree. He wants his mom and aunt to live with you in his four million dollar home; you can barely tolerate Christmas dinner together. To keep your marriage together, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first (and your financial goals, parents, or careers second).

You’re not physically intimate (not always a sign your marriage is over)

This may not be a sure way to tell if your marriage is over — it depends on your physical and mental health – but if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is…and the more likely your spouse is ending the relationship.

You fight the “wrong” way in your marriage

If you can’t focus on the topic of your argument, opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds, then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more past conflicts come into current arguments, the less healthy your marriage is.

[Another seven item list http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/is-my-marriage-over-ways-to-tell-if-your-spouse-is-ending-the-relationship]

Yea... I'm just going to end this post here.

On a lighter note

2012-06-13T11:56:00.003-04:00

So I never thought I'd be a groupie, but Childish Gambino got me feeling like I can totally be a groupie. I feel better right now, but I feel that today may be filled with rants.

I have to say this

2012-06-13T11:53:00.001-04:00

I never thought that I would have another female best friend because my past has shown me that you can grow apart from someone you've been "best friends" with since the age of five (my first best friend). I thought I found a true best friend in my second best friend because although we were apart after high school we'd still kept in touch, up until like five years ago. I had to face the realization that I could no longer call her my best friend three years ago, seeing as none of my contact information has changed, but she no longer wishes me a happy birthday or calls just because. Now I know that works two ways, but I've never missed telling her happy birthday, and I've tried contacting her through the channels I had available to me.

Years later I met this other girl. Didn't really like her at first because she appeared to be the typical annoying female. She just put of this vibe like she was thinking "Who the fuck are you? and What makes you so special?", so my walls went up, but me being the kind of person I am I still kept an open mind. Needless to say we weren't buddy buddy instantly. In fact I actually can't remember how it happened or when, but I was happy that I had a female best friend again. It was nice having another female to trust other than my mother. I don't why I just let my walls completely down around her without going through the trial period. That choice came back to bite me in the ass. Anywho, I thought she trusted me and I trusted her. I naively thought that she is different from most girls despite the fact that she exhibited the typical traits. *jumps forward*

Alas, a situation came around that helped her show her true colors. Turns out girly really wasn't my friend. Not going deep into it because I know what happened, and let's face it my primary audience right now is me. She got mad at me for trying to help save her relationship. I was friends with both parties at the time, and because of the shit going on in my life I didn't want them to fail over little shit. Don't know if the person I'm talking about will see this, but yes your problems were little shit. Don't care what side of the story you think I know, but all sides scream LITTLE, FIXABLE, AVOIDABLE SHIT! Moving on. I told old girl that I would be telling her partner the things he needed to fix so that I could help him work on said problems. She said okay. Each time she told me something I asked if she told him so I would be sure I wasn't sharing anything new. If she said yes then I made a mental note. So of course I'd talk to him later and ask him about the "public" knowledge. *jumps forward* I'm not sure why exactly we fell out, but to me it seems like she was mad that I was telling him what she said , despite the fact that I repeatedly told her I would. She felt like I would speak for him, but the truth is I never repeated anything he said about the situation, nor did I ever air her dirty laundry to him, but she treats me as if I did. *jumps forward* So, at the time I was like whatever. She's mad because she's stressed and feeling pressure from all sides. I tried to give her space, but I guess it wasn't enough. But as the time passed and we didn't make up the picture became clearer and clearer. She wasn't a real friend and girly never really gave a fuck about me, trusted me, or understood me for this shit to happen the way it did.

I must say it hurt me at first because this whole mess started because she lied. I mean like framing someone on a police report lied to me when she didn't even have to. I don't have time for people who lie when they don't have to. I don't have space in my fucked up world for people who don't trust me enough to tell me the truth. *jumps forward* The straw that inspired this post and cause me to "dead" her was the fact that she owed me money. Never have I ever brought it up about getting it back, because I didn't need it, but the moment I did old girl lied to me again. It's been more than two weeks since I asked for it. Well, maybe she doesn't have it. Chick got two jobs, technically, and two Fridays have passed. Well, she has responsibilities so maybe she can't spare it. Hmm, she hitting the club up every night it seems so I think she has disposable income. Well, maybe she doesn't know happened and why you need the money. Yeah, if she ever once actually gave two fucks about me then she would know what's going on. So, no matter how you look at it chick don't care about me, and never did.

Now that that has been said, I'm good. I need the money, but keep the money. I want nothing else to do with you. If you are ever so inclined to extract your cranium from your anal canal remember this: your choices, your life, your mistakes, your regrets. You decided to let go of a good thing because it's stocks are down right now. You abandoned the real friends for the people living that life that is so shiny to you right now. You don't like the life of responsibility you created, and now want to run from it. The people you wronged will never ever treat or see you the same. You will NEVER be able to repair the damage you've done.

*steps down* *drops mic* *keeps it moving*

Edit: I refuse to let someone rent or own space in my mind and heart if I can't at least visit for extended periods in his/hers. Light switch is forever stuck in the off position.

I'm not ready.

2012-06-13T10:48:00.000-04:00

The purpose of this blog was for me to chronicle, daily, my experiences being a housewife who suffers from mental illness so I can later inspire myself to write the book I've been dreaming of since I was ten. However, things are not going as planned. I can't bring myself to write daily because it makes me cry every time that I do. It's like by writing about it I can't ignore how fucked up my life is. Although, I don't think you can call it a life. I'm really just a waste of space that should have offed herself back when I had the courage to be "selfish" instead of half-assing it out of fear of leaving too much of a mess. I'm not ready to face reality because when I really think about things it gets me so depressed that killing myself seems like the best option. I'm not cut out for this world. It's funny to me how I cared and believed so much when I was a kid, but the world and the events of my life have left me a mere husk of the girl I once was. I wanted to be great. Not for fame or fortune, but great like Buddha, Confucius, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King to name a few. I wanted to inspire people to change the world for the better. I had such high hopes as a child. I wanted show that one person can make a difference, I wanted to be the first female president, I wanted to believe that racism no longer existed, and that separation of church and state was real. I wanted to be great. But now I'm content with a life of suffering and mediocrity. Now, I only have hopes of some random act removing me from the face of the Earth. Most people thank God for waking up in the morning, but I curse this being that I no longer believe in for possibly allowing me to wake up another day. I wanted to be great. Now, I just want to die quietly in my sleep.

Pompeii

2012-05-31T00:05:00.002-04:00

So much to say that I don't know where to begin. My original plan is in the toilet, so I will just start from this point in time and forget about what I wanted to do in the past.

It is time for me to accept the truth. My marriage is over. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I'm way behind on blogging for various reasons, but the last two fights we had put the nail in the coffin. I want to work it out, and for the life of me I can not begin to fathom why, considering my soul mate is still single and the timer is winding down on that. There is just so much wrong with us. We both feel that the other one is not giving enough and not trying hard enough.

My thoughts are so scattered that I can not put things together properly. He said that I am literally killing him. I've given him a heart murmur. He said that he's tired of trying. The way he makes me feel is so unreal. He says that I do things to hurt him out of spite, which I do, but it's just my response to the things that he does. How dare he say that it's not intentional, like my actions, when he continues to do them despite me making it very clear how it makes me feel? He describes my actions and words as stabbing him in the back, but he's stabbing me in my heart daily. I just want to get away and never look back because he puts me in such a dark place. A place that I promised myself I'd never go again. He just makes me feel like I'm the worst person on Earth. It just makes me want to kill myself right in front of him. I pictured and planned my suicide way too many times because of this man. I don't understand why I won't leave. What the fuck is tethering me here? It's not like I even love him half as much as a love Chi.

To be continued.... (seriously)

Finally Caught Up

2012-05-14T05:14:00.001-04:00

So today I can finally finish my posts that I still remember what I was going to say and start posting daily. I still have a lot on my plate today, but I am determined to find the balance. Still have to clean the kitchen, dust, clean the bathrooms, clean the office, wash clothes, cook, and workout, but I am closer than ever to getting back to the old me. A girl who works out daily, weighs less than 130lbs, and keeps the house clean. I got to stop letting my lack of energy get in my way. I hate that I have to take diet pills to keep myself focused and energized, but right now I have to do what works for me because I'm sick of changing medications and this combination works for me. I know what I have to do to improve over all and that is get a job. I need something that I view as a big responsibility to help keep me on track. I just have to wait until I move. Patience is a virtue.

Making time

2012-05-03T14:10:00.001-04:00

I haven't had time to finish my to be continued post or make new posts despite that fact that I do "nothing" all day. My time management skills need work. But for now the goal is to finish them next week and from that point on post daily. Not that anyone cares. I just want to have a record for myself.

Woah

2012-04-23T22:02:00.001-04:00

So on our way to my mom place we had the deepest conversation we have ever had in seven years of being with each other. I learned so much. I learned how my war mentality fueled his insecurities. I learned how it is wrong for me to treat him like enemey number one the moment he pisses me off. Granted these are things I should know already. To be continued....

Under the influence

2012-04-21T12:01:00.001-04:00

So things have been good so far, but I can't help but wonder how long this will last. When I look at him I remember all the things he has done, and it infuriates me. However, when he looks back at me my rage melts away. I don't know if I'm just holding an unreasonable grudge or if it's justified. I tell him all the time that he needs to let stuff go so the same should apply to me right? But how am I supposed to know when the line is drawn? The things I told him to let go are one time occurrences where I goofed, but he is a repeat offender. Well he's next to me now. To be continued...

Half-assed/ I'm a sucker; I am Sisyphus

2012-04-18T09:48:00.001-04:00

My post are always behind because I have to wait for him to be gone or asleep. So Monday he offered me a very half-assed apology. After not speaking to me for two days he thinks he can buy his way back in with Skyrim. Honestly it would have worked had he not prefaced his apology with, "I am not apologizing for the dishwasher. I am apologizing for blowing up at you." Okay. Well since you are offering a half-assed apology and still can not understand my feelings/complaints then I will just continue to not wear my ring and plot behind your back to leave you. Just because you are coming with me to see my family /friends again does not change a darn thing because we both know you just did it because you are worried about all the things I could do without your watchful eye, and would never ever tell you about. We both know you just need my car now that yours needs to be in the shop again because of all the failed, unnecessary aftermarket "upgrades" you made to your car, that have costed us almost as much to remove/repair as it did to buy/install. I will admit that I take things to the extreme, but after almost seven years of knowing me you haven't realized that? Why would you just remove the pin from a grenade and not think you would need to dispose of the grenade before it blows up in your face? I am not ashamed to admit that I am a cold, calculating, evil, heartless bitch because I was practically raised by wolves, but I have this flip side that is completely opposite that dominates since I did not agree with the "pack mentality". However, when I get angry I revert to the "pack mentality". The "pack mentality" refers to my upbringing and how I was taught to respond to situations, although it would more accurately be described as "lone wolf mentality". I have deemed it "pack mentality" because both of my parents taught me to be this way. I will elaborate on that another day because it deserves its own post. Basically, after that half-assed apology I went back to Plan A: Phase 1, which was going through the motions, but that is another post itself. I will always have that moment in the back of my mind reminding me not to give too much anymore.

So Tuesday rolls around and we have this big deep talk to understand each other better. As usual I understand his p.o.v. with little elaboration, but I have to breakdown everything for him to understand mine. These talks always end with us making up, but deep down I know a week or two from now it will be the same problems over and over again because he does not listen to me. I tell him important stuff all the time, but he tunes me out. I have basically given this man a manual that explains me, but he won't take the time to "read it" or at less skim through the pages and highlight important stuff. Despite all that I have forgiven him. I'm still plotting my escape, but let's face it.... the truth is I am a sucker. I'm always going to make excuses for him and place the blame on me. I am Sisyphus, the rock is my marriage, and the incline my problems.

It is more than loading the dishwasher....

2012-04-16T07:35:00.000-04:00

So yesterday we got into a huge fight over the dishwasher. But how do you get in a fight over a dishwasher? Well, this dishwasher thing has been a thing since 2009, sadly to say. Being slightly OCD-ish I like to have things a certain way and it bothers me if I don't. It is like it haunts me until it is fixed. I have tried to see how long I can go without "fixing" things, but no matter how long I leave it the thought of it being wrong lingers in my mind. Although my apartment is a finite area I need helping cleaning it because my "tendencies" causes things to take way longer than they should, and he creates a new mess daily that sets me back because i have to clean the house in a certain order. He agreed to wash the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. He started tossing things in all willy nilly. I mentioned in a very silly tone how I needed him to learn the way I like it or at least try because he's causing my OCD to flare up. After that statement he just flew off the handle talking about how if he doing the dishes then I should just shut up or do it myself if I want it a certain way. He started complaining how there was no space to put the dishes in anyway and that was my fault for already having dishes in there. But there was more than enough space. I don't run the dw until it is full to try to save money/the planet. So for the 100th time I explained about my upbringing, which seriously contributes to my tendencies, but he wouldn't listen. He completely dismissed me as I tried to explain that it is more than just loading the dw. By him not trying/ doing it the way I like after three years of me mentioning it just says to me that I don't give a fuck about you, your problems, or your feelings. I know I am asking for a little bit much here, but I thought marriage was about compromise, and love meant doing anything you can to make your partner happy. He works with technology for a living; Am I supposed to believe that he's not smart enough to group like objects? I have been loading that dw the same way for three years! I arrange the dishes by color, size, and type, i.e. the plates in the back, in order by size/set, and facing the right so I can remove them faster.

So this fight somehow extended past he dw, and went to the real issues he was having a problem with. See, that's how it works with him, I say one thing that he doesn't like and he will blow it up and reveal a bigger issue. He is off on vacation, we were supposed to go and see his family then see mine. But he never wants to go see my family. In fact he's only been twice, but he had the audacity to say we don't go to see his folks without seeing mine. Excuse me oblivious motherfucker, but where have you been? You have only gone see my family twice since 2005. However, we have spent just about every major holiday with his folks since 2005 and any significant amount of vacation time he gets. All because his folks are only four hours away. Well then motherfucker, my folks are only four hours from your folks.

This fight has caused me to got into fuck it mode. I will use the some of the money I have saved up and go see my family myself. While I am there I will try to find a job because it has become painfully clear to me that he will never change or understand what I go through with my conditions. I realize now that he does not want a wife. He wants a live in maid that he can pork on occasions. So until I can afford to move out that is just what he'll get sans the sex. I am not wearing my rings anymore because as far as I'm concerned I am not married. This thing that we have is not marriage. It's a farce that I am no longer willing to maintain because it is slowly killing me to do so.