Diary of a Shrinking Mama

Moving this Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 04:59:00 +0000

My new residence is Laughter Through the Storm

I have stopped writing about weight loss and weight loss surgery. My life over the past year has changed dramatically. So, my focus was no longer on the weight....it was on surviving. I can say that the surgery from a medical stand point was a success. However, my body did not appreciate it. I have been in the hospital (as a patient) at least 12 times since last October. That does not include ER visits and specialists. They are not all related to the Bypass. I suppose some of these things were going to happen anyway. Regardless, my life has not been the same since Oct. 11, 2007.

So, I have chosen to focus on the positive, and finding laughter in the middle of a raging storm. That could be in the form of health, family crisis, any crisis.

I pray for you all out there that are going through the surgery or thinking about it. I wish you all nothing but the absolute best!!! Please come and visit me over at my new home!!

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

Wearing Fat as a safety blanket

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 00:33:00 +0000

I enjoy reading some of the blogs who bash the weight loss community, or make judgments. My favorite line has always been "they should just stop eating". Oh wow...I never thought of that one:)

What a lot of people don't know is that we wear our fat as a blanket, a way to keep people away. Especially if you are a survivor of sexual abuse like I was. I was a teenager, and I went through the whole "it is my fault, why me". With a lot of therapy, I worked through that piece of it. However, instead of turning to drugs and alcohol....food was my unconditional lover. It never let me down. It was my place of safety. I would eat and think if I was a bigger girl, then no one would ever try to mess with me again. I would wear baggy clothes to hide who I was. So many women especially suffer from our pasts and then food becomes our present.

So, if it were as easy as putting down that extra piece of pizza...I would have. But, it was so beyond the food making me fat. I made me fat by hiding behind it and then suffered the consequences of the yo-yo dieting. I ruined my metabolism and then diabetes, high blood pressure/cholesterol entered my life like an unwanted guest.

I just wished that people didn't judge so much. It is so much more than "bon-bons"

The blanket has been hard for me to take off. I feel exposed to the world and I don't know how to handle my new body. The same fears are still there, but, talking to someone about it helps tremendously.

If you are looking into Weight Loss surgery.....please don't use it for vanity sake. It won't matter if you are a size zero if you haven't resolved your inner issues. I heard so many women in some of my support groups say that they did it to get into a dress like Beyonce. That stuff scares me to death for them. Do it for you, for your health. I don't recommend it to anyone, because I believe that each person has to do their own research and do a lot of soul searching as to why you are getting it done. What are the true motives? It sure as heck is not a quick fix. It is a lot of work. And that is if you have no complications. If you are like me, it is SOOOOOOOOOOOO much work.

Do your homework internally first......being smaller isn't going to help that fat blanket come off. You can either carry it, or drop it at the door. Those are your two options. I choose to leave it at the door.

Who knew this would ever be an issue..

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 00:01:00 +0000

I used to love food. I loved the good old fashioned casseroles, or a thick juicy steak, or better yet...PIZZA!!! I wasn't the kind of person who could sit in their room and eat a whole box of Oreo's though. However, I have been known to eat a whole thing of cookie dough. Food was pretty simple for me growing up. If it tasted good, I ate it.

Then, when I would hit really tough times in my life....food became a friend. It was an drug of sorts. Then, after a rough pregnancy and hysterectomy....no matter what I ate....the fat followed me wherever I went. The health problems followed suit.

Now...I have to be forced fed. Food is not on my mind anymore. In fact, it is so much of an issue that I have to be constantly reminded to eat protein or drink my protein shakes to get what I need to get in. Food no longer interests me. Something happened, the cravings stopped. The weirdest thing that has happened is that I look at food in a different light. I am being forced to be retrained in my thinking...that food is my medicine. Medicine to get better. Not the kind of drug that would numb my feelings.

I am adjusting to my new life. I think this is going to take a lot to get used to.

Why I have been absent from writing...

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 02:58:00 +0000

I was reading Beth's blog (melting mama) and I was so proud of her for talking about her health issues since bypass. She is 4 years out. I am not a year out yet. But, I stopped writing because people seem to only want to hear the stories of "I went from a size 24 to a size 12", or all the good stuff. No one wants to hear anything bad. So, I figured that I wouldn't even write about it.

But, the fact is....this is my life. 6 out of the 9 months, I have been in the hospital. I just got out of being in the hospital for almost 2 months. I am 5 weeks out from that surgery. My body completely rejected the RNY. The surgery itself seemed to have been perfect or so i was told. But, my body has had a major reaction to it. I have had real problems from the surgery. Yep, it was my choice and yes, these are the consequences. I went into it with the right reasons....trying to reverse my health problems. Now, I have more serious health issues.

I am not even a year out and have severe drops in blood sugar and blood pressure. To the point, that I can black out easy. I have 3 kids that I have to take care of. I know that I will be spending a lot of time with specialists now to figure this all out.

It has taken a lot away from me emotionally. It is hard to think that you made this life altering decision and then for me to be in that "percentage" where things go wrong. My surgeon is great....however, as great as he is...he doesn't really want to hear about how things are not going so good. Sometimes you are led to believe that you have a mental problem or you are imagining the pain. I have been neither one of these.

I want to start writing again and talking about my life. Because I have totally been censoring myself. Thank you Beth for giving me the strength to talk about what can really happen and if you don't want to hear it, the good news is that you don't have to read it. But, maybe somewhere, it can help someone else.

I hope all is well in internet land!!!

Almost 90 lbs. gone!!

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Sat, 24 May 2008 15:52:00 +0000

I am a few weeks away from my 8 month anniversary. It is so hard to believe. I hate to say, but, I have been back in the hospital again. A lot of abdominal pain. They did a laproscopic "scope" and I had yet another internal hernia and adhesions. Good lord, I had that done in February. The bad thing that has come up is that I have to go to Duke to have yet another surgery done. Something is screwed up with my bile ducts, so, it takes a special machine to check them out. This is not because of the Bypass, but, unfortunately, since I had the bypass....you cannot do this test the normal way. The normal way is to just do a scope down the throat, check things out and do a snip, snip here and there and you are good.

NOPE...with me, they will have to go through my stomach and put the scope all the way up and pray to God that they do not knick my pancreas (this procedure has a 30% chance of Pancreatitis). So, I am really disappointed and upset about this set back. I was doing so well and moving and grooving and feeling pretty great!. However, now I am back to the bed and having a hard time getting anything to stay in my body. Which is making me incredibly weak.

Please pray for me and my family that we will get through this.

Would I have the surgery again? I think so, still can't feel a 100% about it. But, I would definitely not recommend it for others. I absolutely, positively feel it is an individual choice. It has done what I wanted it to do....take care of the diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol. All that is gone. However, my body did not like the surgery, so, it is rejecting a lot of things that I have no control over. I was supposed to be the "easy" surgery.

I have lost almost 90 lbs. Crazy thought..... I don't care about the weight as much as I care about being able to gear up for these charity walks that I want to do so badly!!

Hope everyone is doing well!!

Caroline

60 miles for Cancer....

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 03:28:00 +0000

I know this is pretty aggressive. But, I am a big goal setter. This year, I plan on doing the Susan Komen 3 day walk. 60 miles!! In fact, my goal is to do two of them. Crazy....really crazy. But, somehow, I feel that I have been given a chance to do something physically for someone else. I have had an aunt die from Breast Cancer, and another Aunt survive it. I feel that by the year end, I will be in the condition to do this extreme challenge. It motivates me that I can do something positive from this surgery.

Check out the video....I hope you will want to join me too!!!

Finally, a turning point.

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 02:33:00 +0000

It has been 4 1/2 months since my gastric bypass surgery. I had been in the hospital 5 times, 3 ER visits, 2 ambulance rides, another surgery after the gastric bypass and weekly doctor visit every week until last week. I had a second surgery 3 weeks ago for a hernia and adhesions.

Last week was my true turning point. I finally feel better and alive. I feel blessed. Although my whole family, including me has the flu this week (and yes, we all got the flu shot)....I can still say how grateful I am that I have come through and am on the other side.

I have lost 70lbs. and have gone from a 26 to a 16. But, it is not what I have lost that I have focused on...it is what I have gained. I was (and still am to some degree) knocked down to the ground with this surgery. I have been crawling on the floor trying to get up. But, this surgery has kept kicking me down. But, now, I believe that I am winning this fight. My relationship with God has been strengthened beyond belief. I have had to totally rely on Him. Which is what I thought I was doing before...but, life has a funny way of showing you that "No", you really weren't walking all that close. Physically, I love to walk now. I can do Pilates without killing myself, I like to be outdoors now. I know that it has to do with my body not having to carry so much weight around. But, the kids have noticed my activity level and so has my husband.

I had a friend come into town and completely give me a new makeover. She came in about 3 weeks ago. My best friend from college came in this weekend and we (she) got rid of the majority of my clothes. I am having a Head vs. reality issue right now. I still think that I am a 24/26. I wear baggy clothes, maternity clothes. Needless to say, between two of my friends...I have been set straight in that department!!! New hair do too!!

Am I ready to say that I would do it all over again? Give me some more time. I don't know what I could have done differently though. Except, if I could turn back time and have a genie come down with wishes (which I can't), I would have chose not to have been sexually abused and eating my way through the pain. I would have chosen to be kinder to my body during my late teens and early 20's. I would have been a vegan, and so on and so on. But, life happened and this is the road that I went down.

I definitely tell everyone that it is such a PERSONAL choice. If you go looking, you will find a million websites that totally rip you a new one for having gastric bypass. I find so many blogs now that seem to come across as "holier than thou". Even though it is under the guise of self love and how you should be proud of yourself at whatever weight. I agree on those points, they are exactly right. I agree 1,000%. Weight Loss Surgery will NOT, repeat NOT change what is going on..on the inside. In fact, it seems to make it worse. This is 99% emotional, and 1% physical.

What I don't agree with is the amount of judging that is out there. For God sake ladies (sorry men...you guys usually aren't so caddy), why can't we all cheer each other on? Why do we have to sit here and judge so and so for the way that they lost weight, or whom they choose to have sex with, or if they wore white after Labor Day. We are women, strong women who yes...need to be proud of themselves for who we are on the inside. But, please don't sit there from your computer and judge everyone as if you are God Himself. God is the ONLY one that sits in judgment of me. I don't judge these ladies on their view points. I just wished that they could walk a minute in someone else's shoes and maybe...just maybe, they wouldn't be so judgmental.

One more thing while I am at it.... I read on someone's blog that they thought it was so effortless to lose weight with this surgery. That "they" think that people who have weight loss surgery don't deserve respect like those who lose it the "real" way. Ok...that is your view and you can have it. However, I can tell you that it is not effortless. Not for me anyway. They gave me a tool (which, the tool and I are still trying to make friends with each other) and that is a very small part of the equation. The rest is all "Head" stuff, exercise and healthy eating. I tried that before and it didn't work. Why is it working now? I am assuming it is the tool. Because nothing worked before.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go down that road. I just wanted to celebrate the fact that I am now in the land of the living. I pray that if those who do choose this surgery plan for any and every outcome. I was supposed to be a simple surgery...but, my body didn't let anything be simple about it. I am just grateful to be here and to be writing again.

Talk to everyone soon!

It is not how you fall down, but, how you get up.

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 19:38:00 +0000

That is what I have come to learn in my life. It is not how you fall down, but, how you get up. I have been knocked to the ground with more things than most people go through in their entire lifetime. And recently, I feel like a soldier in war making it through the battle on my belly crawling to get out of the line of fire.

I still get up. I dust myself off and believe that it will get better. I keep getting knocked down. But, there is great news about getting knocked down. That is where you learn most of your life lessons from. Humility, grace, patience, understanding, faith, amazing generosity from others. You realize that from the ground....the world is a much bigger place and there is still so much to do. Then, you get back up.

I know I don't talk a lot about the actual medical procedure from gastric bypass, nor what I am eating, or doing for exercise. I focus a lot on feelings. This kind of surgery is not a miracle wonder that I fear so many people do. It is a great tool to help us to get our lives back. For some, the road in getting back is on your stomach and on our knees crawling through the trenches. Trust me, just because you see that skinny model on the billboard saying you should try getting surgery... it is not as glamorous as that. I know the majority of people reading and even my doctors don't want to hear the bad stuff. We all want to hear the good stuff. But, I think it is good that I talk about what it has been for me. I hope and pray that everyone goes through it without a problem. But, sometimes... it may not.

My best advice to anyone that is considering this surgery..... have a great attitude. Most people have no trouble whatsoever. That is probably my surgeons dream. I am probably his nightmare :) But, if you believe that you will get better and you keep your mind sharp, I believe that you can get up each and every time that you get knocked down.

So, dust off the dirt and get back up.

Patient/Doctor Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 18:32:00 +0000

I am going to write about a few things that have been on my mind. There are two sides of the story when being a patient and being a doctor. I, fortunately am very understanding of what doctors must go through. Having been in pharmaceuticals, I became great friends with many and learned about the struggles that they have to go through in the medical "political world". The insurance hoops, malpractice suits. We are now living in a world of CYA (cover your ass) syndrome. And I hate that it has become that for them. There are a lot of patients out there who go in seeking drugs, or truly have something mentally wrong. The Medical Community becomes jaded. I can certainly see why.

However, as understanding as I am. Truth be told, I am their patient and I have to put my life into their hands and a LOT of trust goes into that. Sometimes, I don't speak up enough for myself.

Maybe it is the Southerner in me that I am not as outspoken as I should be when it comes to what is going on with me. My family always says that I could have a leg cut off and bleeding profusely, but, will still smile and try to crack some kind of joke with the nurses and doctors. They get mad because they think no one will take me seriously. I am like "why do I have to be rude to someone even if I am hurting?" I actually understand now after being in the hospital SOOOO much lately.

It is me now that is starting to get jaded.. Now, I simply don't trust the medical community and that is not a good thing. Unfortunately, I have had some really bad experiences in the past with ER. 3 years ago, I had horrific pain. 2 ER visits and was told it was stress and acid reflux. I all but laughed in their face. I knew that my pain was not that. I made it through another few days and got to my gastro's office and he was about to do an endoscopy on me. But I was so weak and in so much pain, that he sent me straight to the hospital. HIDA scan showed I had a dead gallbladder. So much for stress and acid reflux.

Second bad experience was when I was pregnant with my second child. Around 28 weeks, I started having horrific migraines. Blinding ones. I was hurting and in a lot of pain. I assumed that it was from being pregnant. One of the rotating doctors came in and I told him what was going on. He told me that it must be stress and I needed to relax.

2 weeks later, I am in really bad shape and thank god saw my normal OB. She checked my urine, and kidneys and all of that. Well....diagnosis...eclampsia. Almost died in the hospital because of my blood pressure being so high and my sweet little girl had her lungs collapsed. She spent time in the NICU, while I spent time on heavy medication to keep my body from shutting down. Well, sir Dr. NOW, I am stressed because of this.

Third bad experience, chronic pelvic pain. ER...finds nothing. Sends me home. I know something is going on. Finally, get a diagnosis....ovarian tumor.

Now, I just had the gastric bypass 3 1/2 months ago and have been in very bad shape for all of that time. My surgeon (who, honestly I think is a great guy) basically tells me this is all in my head and it must be from fibromyalgia. A trillion visits to my Gastro and Kidney Specialist later, plus numerous ER visits. I have acute colitis which was causing the bleeding and a kidney obstruction.

I honestly want to be a good patient and take my surgeon at his word. But, with so many bad experiences, how do you begin to trust again? I am being serious. I want to know. Because, I know that now I am either having another pancreas attack or hernia. But, I refuse to go to the ER because I absolutely am not going to spend anymore money on being told that it is in my head.

How can two jaded people (the surgeon and the patient) come together and find a solution? Can it happen? You tell me...

How much have you lost?

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 02:59:00 +0000

That is probably the biggest question that I get asked. Truth be told...up until a few days ago...my response would have been.. " I have lost 3 months...3 weeks and 15 hours and 20 seconds" But, I have come to realize that focusing on all that has gone wrong has not done me any favors.

I have lost 60 lbs. and have gone from a size 24/26 to a 16. That is good and am off blood pressure meds, cholesterol meds, and blood sugar meds. So, for that...I am grateful.

I have spent my 3 1/2 months in a hospital, or a doctors office every single week. Sometimes the physical pain has been incredible to endure. I have had a lot of GI and kidney trouble. Unfortunately, I am in a situation where I am dealing with so many specialists that each are terrified of me because of my surgery. They don't know what to do with me really. They always differ to my surgeon. Unfortunately, the surgeon can only do so much. He is a surgeon...not a specialist for the GI, the kidneys, the liver, etc.

The emotional part has taken its toll. I went through a tremendously ANGRY phase. Especially with myself. I am a Type A...so, for me that means that I had high expectations that I would get through this. And my body would not cooperate. I became frustrated with the lack of help that I have gotten from my surgeon. I think he is an awesome guy and great surgeon. But, I feel like he left me in the dust and left me to my own devices after surgery was done.

The part that angered me the most was 2 weeks ago, I was back in the hospital for severe kidney pain. Thought I was going to absolutely lose my mind. My surgeon and his nurse said everything looked great and thought it was because I had Fibromyalgia. I did get a little sarcastic and say "Really? So, the blood that has been coming out of places that it shouldn't be, and coffee looking grounds coming out of places that shouldn't be is Fibromyalgia? Wow..I will have to check that out".

But, I have calmed down since and after going to my kidney specialist...I know part of the problem. Serious crystallized obstruction of the kidney that cannot be picked up on a CT scan. He said that I was having serious problems with my kidney. Then the GI doctor did a colonoscopy and there were ulcers there. So, sorry that I will have to tell my surgeon that it is not Fibromyalgia. It is exactly what I thought it was. Now, I am a total believer in being a HUGE advocate for yourself. You have to with this life altering surgery.

My spirits are good now. I am coming to terms with my very angry body. We are trying to make peace together. My faith is strong and I am getting better as days go by. With help from family and friends and people that I don't even know have come to my aid. I am blessed. I am so grateful to be alive and know that no matter what is going on or how bad it gets....God is with me. He has been this whole time.

I will start writing more because I feel better and am able to get myself into the functioning world again.

I hope all of you are well..... I have to say that Heath Ledgers death bothered me really bad this week. I realize that all the pity parties that I have been having pales into comparison to the grief that family is going through. I am truly blessed to be alive and to be with my family. God is good.

Being Thankful...

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 16:31:00 +0000

Forgive me for not writing as much as I would like on my blog, but, I have been really sick since surgery. In and out of the hospital.

I am into my 7th week post-op surgery. I wished that I could say that I had more energy than Wonder Woman. I wished I could say that I even felt good. I wished I could say that I didn't regret the surgery. But, at week 7...it is official, I do regret it. Now, in 6 months....you may read this blog and see that I have changed my mind. Pray for me that I do.

But, what I realize is...I have been thinking and doing a lot of thankful praying. I prayed before, but, this surgery has brought me so much closer to God. Everyday I wake up and thank God for my health, my family, husband, friends and the amazing outpouring of support from my church. I do have so much to be thankful for. I watch Joel Osteen a lot and his messages of faith and endurance has really kept me going. That, and the Bible. I have found that since I am at my lowest point physically....I feel so close to God. I try not to complain that I still can't eat food or that I am weak, or hurting. I really do say "Thank you for letting me be alive".

I made this choice and it was my choice. I encourage everyone who ever goes into this to be prepared for the after effects. Especially if you are self pay. I have been in the hospital 3 times since surgery and I cannot imagine what it would be like if I did not have insurance.

The strain that this has put on my family is incredible. I try so hard not to feel guilty. But, I honestly prayed that I would be the one that would not be in the "small percentage" who has complications. And for some reason, I am in that percentage and I am trying to make the best of it. There has to be a reason. I do believe that I am going to get better. I really do.

I have lost 35 pounds, but, I would give it all back right now for my former life, even if I did have to take all those medicines that I was on before. I know this is not what everyone wants to hear. You all want to hear how fabulous it is. But, I have to be honest with myself and to others about each step of this process.

BUT, the good news is....everyday, I gain a little bit of strength. Albeit in very small doses. But, for even that...I am thankful. The biggest thanks is that I am alive and I have my mind. That part is doing good. I feel like if you have your mind and your faith..you can conquer just about anything. I believe that it will happen. Not sure when it is going to....but, isn't that what faith is all about?

Weight Loss Surgery is like a bad break-up

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 16:22:00 +0000

Ever been in love? I imagine everyone of us on this planet has experienced it to some degree. Ever had a break-up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Some were bad and not so bad, right?

Well, right now in my life, I liken Weight Loss Surgery to a really bad break-up. You know the kind...where you know it was the right thing to do, but, it hurts so bad. Your friends try and console you and tell you everything is going to be alright. Your friends also tell you that if you get an urge to call him...DON'T...call us first!!!

Then, you do what you know you are not supposed to do. You call him. He is nice to you on the phone. Your heart flutters in hopes that there is a rekindled romance. He tells you that he can't talk right now, and you hear a female's voice in the background. You hang up the phone feeling stupid, mortified, and embarrassed. You want to throw up and in some cases...you do.

You don't tell your friends because they would tell you that you shouldn't have. You already know that, it is just that you couldn't resist the temptation.

The break-up is like a band-aid being ripped off and taking part of the skin with it. Some days you are looking out the window and tears cannot stop flowing because you want that part of your life back so bad. Then, there are the days that you know the right thing has happened. Your friends keep telling you that with each day, it will get better.

That is how the surgery has been for me. Granted, I am only 3 1/2 weeks out right now. But, comparing it to a bad break-up...I am right on par with the emotions that I am going through. I want so badly to have my strength back. I don't want to mourn anymore for my former self. My friends (support groups) all tell me that "this too shall pass". And just like a good friend, they tell you to call them if you feel the urge to take a bite of the forbidden aka sugar.

But, I did....just like the phone call they told you not to make. I did it anyway. I had to have a taste of that candy, and little bite of ice cream. Then, just like after making the call....I threw up for the remainder of the night and the toilet became my best friend. Feeling like an idiot for doing what I know is wrong...I crawl back to bed and a tear hits my pillow before falling asleep.

Today is a new day. It is beautiful outside and I try to put last night behind me and not dwell on it. I am trying to forgive myself. Mainly asking for forgiveness from my body who is so ticked off with me right now. I know that with every day....this will pass. I know that I must walk through the storm to get to the other side.

I am getting pretty drenched, but, I do see a rainbow up ahead.

3 weeks post-op

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 14:40:00 +0000

Today is exactly 3 weeks since surgery. I know I haven't written in a month or more. But, I was really struggling with a lot of different emotions pre-surgery and now post. You would think that it would be better to write it all out. But, somehow, I bottled it all up.

I have to say this has been a hard recovery. it is strange, not so much the food. But, the frustration of exhaustion, limitations and how long it takes to get back to normal. I knew all of this going into it. But, it is different when you are actually in it. I have 3 children under the age of 7 and they have done great with Mommy out of surgery. My husband has been doing triple over time. My family has all pitched in, and friends. I am very blessed.

What I am most frustrated with is that I want to get my energy back so that I can take things off of my husbands plate and everyone elses. I am starting to feel that this is too much for him all the work he has done. He has not complained once about anything. But, I feel so guilty. I feel bad that I am not able to be there for my children like I want to. My daughter said to me that she liked the mommy before surgery better "because she could do stuff with us. " That broke my heart. I had only told them that I was having a tummy surgery to help mommy get healthy. I tried to explain to her that before too long we were going to be able to do lots of things together, more than we ever did. But, children are in the here and now and so, it is hard for them to understand. I can't blame them. But, I am trying....trying really hard to feel better.

I went to my post op check up this week and my dr. said that I needed to set my expectations. He felt that maybe they are too high. I think that I am supposed to be leaping from tall buildings and losing lots of weight. But, it wasn't happening. I had lost 12 at my post op. I lost 9 pre-op. Others in my group were 30 lbs, 38 lbs, 20 lbs. So, it was discouraging to me. He said that I was completely within the normal range. It was hard to be in a group with people who said they had more energy than they had had in their entire life. Here I am barely able to pick my head up off the table. I felt like a failure to be honest.

I also was very sick with the Boost while on liquid diet. Also, a set back was that I had to go back into the hospital two days out due to pancreatitis. Boy, was I frustrated and upset. I just got back to driving this week because I had been so weak and faint. We were afraid that i would pass out at the wheel. The doctor thought that when I was actually able to eat then I would do a lot better as well as taking me off of blood pressure medicine.

3 days later, I do feel better and now my weight is dropping. I over did it yesterday (halloween) and now I am paying for it today. The two steps forward, two steps back thing is difficult on me.

I know that I need to cut myself some slack. I am just having a rough go of it. But, I hear it is normal. Whatever that is :)

Weight and your past

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 00:55:00 +0000

I utterly and completely believe that so much of our weight comes from our past, our feelings about ourselves. I believe that our environment as a youth impacted our way of thinking about our bodies, especially as young women or men.

Educating our children now is so important. I am all for Body Acceptance and Dieting should be eradicated from the earth!! :) I wished I had a foundation growing up based on accepting my body for the way it was. I wished that I wasn't put on a diet as a teenager. I wish I knew what healthy eating looked like, but, I can't go back and change it.

My parents were stress eaters. I watched what they ate, and so much focus was on me being a "big girl", when in reality...I really wasn't. Dieting lead down a destructive path. A road that I wished I never took. But, I did and for other reasons that I will discuss later. That and being introduced to the world of dieting at such an early age led to some serious health issues for me. When you yo-yo so much, your bodies metabolism really gets messed with. Your hormones get out of whack. Eventually, your body doesn't know whether it is coming or going.

Anyway, I wonder if you learned bad habits growing up and how your upbringing affected your weight? Thoughts?

Get your head in the game!!

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 01:09:00 +0000

I cannot stress enough to anyone looking to get any type of Weight Loss surgery done to "get your head in the game" aka do your emotional homework. Someone told me to take stock of my "emotional inventory". I was like "what?!"

So, what does that mean?. Being overweight at any size (20lbs, 50lbs, 100lbs, 200lbs and up) there is usually an emotional component connected to it. The program that I am in at Duke is very serious about psychology. I think some people are scared to death of the Psychiatrists. Some are worried that they won't "pass" the psychological tests and they won't get to move through the program. I see so many people want to race through the process and click off the "to-do" list to get to surgery.

I will admit that when they told me that they were putting me on "hold" until I went to weekly therapy sessions. I was like "what? I have done therapy before...this is not going to help". I felt like it was red tape. But, then when I started going....and I have been every week....it has been a HUGE part of my life now. I really understood how my past, and my current way of living can be traced all the way back to my past. I realize that I have used food as my friend. I play with it as a child would with their favorite toy, then the next thing came along...and they threw the old toy away. It is something that I know from childhood through habits, through modeling my parents, and use it as away to escape from stress.

If I could say anything to anyone even starting to look into surgery....DON'T DO IT until you have really worked through some of your past, your reasons for dieting, are you an emotional eater? If so, why? Are you addicted? Asking the painful question....How did you get fat? and how did you get there? You are going to have to be ready to have a plan for when the food is gone. It is this whole new way of looking at it. Be ready to change your whole world. This is the toughest part on me. I haven't even had surgery yet. But, I know this is going to be my toughest part of the journey. I know for me that I am going to have to really stop and think about my actions (i.e. grabbing that candy bar when my sugar drops). Instead look for protein when I have a sugar low. When I am upset, lonely, sad, any emotional feeling...get outside. Take the kids and walk.....exercise, write...find something else to do. I just want to be with honest with everyone out there. Most of obesity is from our head. We take out all of our emotions, feelings and put it in our mouth via food.

Ice cream for me (the homemade kind) is like a bottle of vodka for an alcoholic. When the kids (I have 3 under 7) screaming all at the same time...the old way was for me to grab a tub of ice cream and stand in the kitchen with a HUGE spoon and eat it practically all the way to the bottom. Not even noticing. It became such a habit. Now, when the rest of my family wants a dessert...I find an alternative...a sugar free Popsicle. Or I go to another room.

This will take a very long time as it took a long time to get to where you are. All I am saying...make sure you have your "head in the game".

My first support group meeting..

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 22:45:00 +0000

I went to my first support group meeting yesterday (not Duke sponsored) and it was so great to meet people who have already had surgery. In fact, I was the only pre-op. It was so inspirational to meet these beautiful ladies that had come out on the other side. One woman was 7 years out and to hear her advice and comments were invaluable.

Don't get me wrong...it wasn't that their surgeries were all sunshine. Each of them had complications. I wanted to know the good, the bad, and the ugly. I knew of all the complications going into this. But, it was also good to hear real life experiences. But, each of them are fine...they are feeling better and their health is better.

Of course, I had the "you don't look like you need surgery" talk. At first, it made me upset. But, then, I realize that it just a different perspective. I don't think it was meant to be negative. I am right at 5'8 and with these tennis shoes that I wear..it makes me about 5'10. I felt extremely tall. The rest of the women were a little shorter. So, I think why everyone was surprised at my weight and my clothes size is that I am taller. I wear my weight a little different.

I had a great time....but, it did leave me with a lot of mixed emotions...like "is she right, am i really too small to have it done?, or am I wrong for having this done?".

I am 256 lbs, size 24/26. How is that too small?

Anyway...it was great to meet others who have gone through the process and I found some great friends!

Change of Blog Look...

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 04:51:00 +0000

Shew!! A little simple edit to my blog ended up erasing the whole thing, including comments. Anywho....I decided that while I was piecing it back together, I would just give it a different look.
I managed to find most of my old postings. Yes....you are on the right blog....

I am back to blogging!!

Technical Difficulties...

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 05:12:00 +0000

Ok....Note to self....never try to change your blog to a new ID. I am ticked.......I have lost everything. But, no worries.... I will get it back. It may not be everything, but, I will do my best. So, no your eyes are not deceiving you.....it is me.

Will be back up and running soon!!!

Lightweight Club

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 04:49:00 +0000

OK....this is the wildest thing that I have heard. I am considered in some weight loss surgery groups as part of the Lightweight "group". Wow...who would have known? A "lightweight?" Craziness!!! I am not sure what qualifies as a lightweight....I think it is those with a BMI of 45 or below. I think somewhere under 300-350lbs.

I have to confess here...I have struggled with some issues that most people would never think of. I have a lot of friends and family saying "You are crazy...you don't need weight loss surgery", or "there is NO WAY that you could qualify". In one way, I try to take it as a compliment. In another...I realize that most people just don't understand my situation.

This isn't about aesthetics for me. I hope it will be a nice side-effect. But, what those that are close to me don't know are things that I have kept from them. I think sometimes, people don't really want to hear all your "issues and complaints and ailments". I keep a lot to myself, even with those very close to me. The truth is....my weight has caused a significant amount of health issues for me. I didn't have these problems a few years ago. In fact, a year ago when I posted pictures of me after coming home from Russia...I was almost 60 lbs lighter.

I had a hysterectomy about that same time. After that, things have progressively gotten worse. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Insulin Resistance (that for about 5 years now), High Blood Pressure, Fatty Liver, Plantar something something....basically heel spurs brought on by weight gain, high cholesterol and asthma. I NEVER had these things prior to my first child. I was considered overweight. But, never like this. My quality of life is tough on me. I feel as if I am 80 years old. So, this surgery isn't about boosting my self esteem or trying to be a skinny-mini. I want to live a longer life. Even my cardiologist says that I have to do some serious work to reverse what is going on. This is shocking to me seeing that I was healthy as a horse prior to 7 years ago. I feel like I have to justify why I am getting it done. But, I realize that I don't.

What is strange, in my extended family...we have a lot of overweight relatives. But, not all of them have any health problems. Maybe some have one or two. So, for them...accepting where they are works for them. I think I would be able to handle my weight a lot better if I could live and feel like a normal healthy person. My parents have a lot of health problems and they are overweight. They have a hard time understanding why I have so many issues at a young age. They think that they are that way because they are older. We aren't the same...so, food, insulin and other things are happening to me that they can't understand. In fact, no one in my family can understand.

At the end of the day, I am the one that has to live in my body and deal with the consequences of being overweight. A lot of it is hereditary, metabolic changes, hormones, and poor food choices. So, when you say that I am too small to have this surgery. No, I really am not. My doctors are behind me and feel that it is in my best interest to get my life back on track. This is NOT the answer for everyone. Because some haven't got the issues that I have. Some can diet and work out like crazy and it is gone. I have tried so hard to be that person . It is not in the cards.

I appreciate all of my family and friends worrying about me. I know that they care. But, I hope they realize that this was a long, thought out process for me. And this is my last hope so it seems, to get any sort of resemblance to a healthier lifestyle. If they had to walk in my shoes for the last few years and my million doctor appointments and the disappointments of yet another failed diet. Then, I think they would be more supportive or understanding.

I think after surgery, they will see that when I lose the weight and medicines start to drop off and some of these conditions go away....they will be glad that I did it. For now, it is the unknown that scares everyone. I can appreciate that. But, my faith is strong and I know that I am doing the right thing. I have to focus on the positive now. Because all I have done is worry, worry, worry and not feel good and the cycle goes on. I have to be positive even knowing the chances of things that could go wrong (trust me, everyone that I meet has some horror story). But, they were the same people who told me all their horror stories when we were pregnant, and or adopting. For me....I HAVE to focus on what will go RIGHT.

I have to keep the positivity around me. For those of you who have not gone the path of WLS....it is a tough and sometimes lonely road. Because the world only sees or knows of certain things. Thankfully, there are many support groups. Even a "lightweight" board.

Thank god for the internet!!

Frustrated...

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 04:48:00 +0000

I am feeling frustrated...... I haven't felt the best...not sure if it is some sort of stomach bug. All I know is that I have been hurting. Dr. took lots of tests and even sent me for a CT scan. My liver enzymes were elevated (doc said I had a little liver inflammation) and my CT scan showed a Fatty liver. I was NOT happy about that. What does fatty liver mean to me? Well...it is not from alcohol...I don't drink that much. It could be from some of the medications that I take for cholesterol, and high blood pressure. But, what I am told is that some people with Insulin resistance or diabetes...the way it your liver metabolizes fat or sugar can cause this. I have heard that a lot of overweight people have it.

But, what the most concerning thing is...it is not good to have a fatty liver going into RNY surgery. I have contacted my surgeon about it. The main reason being is that they want your liver as small as possible to be able to maneuver around. What I hear happens to most people is they have to go on a high protein diet or total liquid diet weeks before surgery to shrink the liver.

It is so frustrating...because this is just one more thing on the list that has gone on with my body. It drives me crazy. Frustrated....

Saying Hello and Goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 04:47:00 +0000

Knowing that I will be (hopefully) losing a 100lbs is mind boggling to me. That is a person, a whole person. Here is what I am looking forward to saying hello and goodbye to and a little sad at the same time:

Looking forward to saying GOODBYE to:

Granny panties
Pants that could house a small family
Getting bruises on the sides of my thighs from trying to sit in a beach chair
Sweating before I get out the door because I just walked down the stairs
The "swishy thigh walk"..you know what I am talking about. Where your thighs rub together and it hurts like heck because you now have a rash
People asking me when my baby is due!

The list is long....so, I will cut it short by stopping there.

A little sad about saying goodbye to:

My Diet Cokes/Diet Mt. Dew
Ice Cream
Loss of a friend (aka "the fat") who was with me during extremely rough times.

That is about all I am sad about.

Looking forward to saying hello to:

Running
Walking
Hiking
Going off my medications (bp, diabetes, cholesterol..need I go on?)
Making a new friend with my new body. Treating it with respect and trying to make amends with the old body.
CLOTHES!!!! I have such a limited selection right now. It will be like Disney World.
Chasing my kids around without wanting to pass out after only 5 seconds.
Wearing a sundress (strapless) Oh the shock that I will have when I can actually wear one.
Living... living a long time, I pray.

This list could go on and on.....so, I will cut it here.

I am sure that I am going to go through a million emotions. Hang in there with me. I really am a sane gal. Sometimes :)

It’s a big day…..Aug. 24 8:28

I officially have a surgery date!! October 11th!! I am so excited! They have given me my pre-op appointments, everything. Woo....taking a bit of a breath here.

Being "officially official" has brought a whirlwind of emotions. I can't really explain it. One second it is true elation....the next second..."holy crap", the next second "How will I get everything done before then?", next second...looking ever so lovingly at my Diet Mountain Dew and realizing that I have to say good bye... for good. No more bubblies in the tummy. No more lots of things frankly. The realization that my whole world is about to get rocked is here. But, I am ok with it.

I have tried...I really have. I have tried all the herbs, prescription weightloss meds, fasting, Dr. supervised diets, literally every diet on the market. I gave it all that I had. Can I say that I have been 100% all the time? No. I would be a liar if I said that. I am not perfect. But, I have done the best that I knew how to do.

I am ready.

Do you think.....

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 04:43:00 +0000

that the way the world perceives obesity is sometimes the way that we expect them to perceive?

Case in point....I went to 3 different stores today. I rarely look at people in the eye anymore. I automatically assume that they are making judgments about me. I am assuming that they are watching everything that I put in my shopping cart. I assume that if they smile at me, they must be an escape convict or something.

But, in reality....could it be that just maybe they are not even thinking about what I look like for one minute? Maybe they are in such a hurry to get home to their life that they don't see anyone. Maybe they look straight past me because something not so happy is going on in their life. Maybe just maybe, it isn't all about me. But yet, I have already made my judgments and perceptions before I ever walk in that door. I automatically assume that people are staring at the "big girl".

Maybe we just all need to get out of our heads for just a minute. Maybe we should start holding our heads up just a little higher. When are we going to wake up and realize that life is happening before our eyes and we are missing it because we are too busy assuming.

I am going to start working really hard on holding my head up. No matter what weight I am.

Hope you will too.

It is Officially....Official

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 19:13:00 +0000

Insurance Approval

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 16:41:00 +0000

YEA!! I got insurance approval....wooo hooo!!! I am so excited!! Now, all we are waiting on is the actual "Certificate of approval" from Insurance. Then, Duke sets me up for a date for surgery. I hear that they are scheduling now in October. I should have a date in the next day or two.

WOW.....a month from now is when I probably will be having surgery. It is not "real" to me yet. I imagine when I know the date and I start preparing and it gets closer...things are going to get really real.

I just wanted to share my good news!!!

Have a great Friday!!!

4 Years Ago Today....

noreply@blogger.com (Shrinking Mama) — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 04:33:00 +0000

I was lying in the hospital, having been there for close to 3 weeks. I was very sick with high blood pressure, and a baby desperately needing to get out of my stomach. They warned me that her lungs weren't ready. The doctors had to give me a drug to help me not go into a seizure. I had pre-eclampsia.

4 years ago today, the doctors said that our baby had to come out or that we both could die.

She was born at 4:00 in the afternoon. She was so tiny and so beautiful. Her chest was puffing in and out so heavily. She was struggling to breathe. They let me kiss her for a millisecond and I never held her in my arms again for another week.

She was rushed to the NICU. I was stuck in bed with IV's hanging out of me. Later that night, the nurses and doctors took pity on me and let my husband wheel me down to the NICU. I was still hooked to all types of medicines. There was still a fear that I would have a seizure afterwards.

I wheeled myself right up to the window of the incubator that my tiny-iny baby was lying in. She had a chest tube, tubes in every place imaginable and her chest was so swollen from trying to breathe. Never in my life did I feel the way that I felt in that moment. I was terrified of losing this beautiful angel that God had blessed me with. I cried with every tear that I had in my body.

That night, the doctor came in to sit next to me. He held my hand ever so gently and told me that he was called in because our baby's lung had collapsed and they would have to transport her by ambulance to the next hospital that had a Higher Level Newborn Intensive Care Unit. He said not to worry, that they would take care of her.

They wheeled her down in my room before going into an ambulance. I touched the glass and told her that I loved her and not to give up. "Please don't give up"

We reunited several days later. I was taken off all IV's and able to go to the hospital that she was at. I rarely left her side. She was in a tiny incubator and had IV's coming out of her head, toes, nose. My husband and I clung to each other.

When we walked in, the nurses were full of smiles. They told us that they had no idea what had happened, but, our baby girl had taken a turn. A turn for the better. They said that she must have loved that ambulance ride, because she only needed a ventilator for a day (compared to the original 3 weeks) and that she was making a miraculous recovery. I finally held her through the incubator. It was like a robot machine. I touched her tiny fingers and prayed every prayer that I could pray.

A few days later....we were told that she would be released from the NICU and sent to another hospital for a few days of observation. I was able to hold her in my arms. She smelled so good. She smiled at me and I knew we were going to be ok.

Today is her 4th birthday. I have been grateful for every moment of those 4 years. She is a vivacious little girl who has a feisty spirit that she had to come into this world with. She lights up my world and I thank God every day for allowing her to hang on. I celebrate life with her. I am so grateful.

There is rarely a day that goes by that I don't realize how lucky I am to still be on this earth with 3 amazing children. Most importantly, that precious little baby who struggled so hard to breathe........., she never gave up.

Happy Birthday Princess!!!