Ask Dick-n-Jane: Sex and Relationship Advice

Seeking A Sex Toy Similar To A Jacuzzi Jet

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Fri, 04 May 2012 20:19:00 +0000

Question

I am a 72 year-old male who has been radiated for prostate cancer. My best self generated orgasms since grade school have come from jaccuzzi and swimming pool water jets. I want to duplicate the same affect at home, without resorting to an external pump in my bath tub. Like is there a slow motion shower head massager? Slow movement is the answer, no less than two seconds per pulse. Humming devices do absolutely nothing for me. I own a Full Stroke machine; its slow motion is still too fast--its generated Os have no duration or subtlety to them. They are intense but short lived, two seconds after they start I am grabbing for the off switch. I can get a partial erection without ED meds, enough for the machine to do its job.

With 100 mgs or more of Viagra in me I achieve wonderful, 20-30 sec, very intense manual Os. But EDs lower my blood pressure too much; even after going to that well for twelve years it has begun to bother my energy level.

Thanks

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

(open for moderated reader comments)

How Do Cock Rings Work?

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 01:44:00 +0000

Question

Jeez what a piece of hardware, your new cockring looks like it might have been a custom fit.... I found the site where you indicate you purchase your man stuff and was wondering.... I am an older guy with the unfortunate diagnosis of ED. Although Levitra and the "'Big Blue Pill" almost, keyword ALMOST, work I have been tempted to try a cockring to enhance the rigidity.....do they work? and to what extent? is the enhancement acheived come from the psychological aspect of wearing it or strictly the physical? Anyway, I have been thinging about buying one and trying it but if it doesn't work I guess it would be an interesting conversation piece.

Thanks

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

(open for moderated reader comments)

Having Trouble Achieving Vaginal Orgasm

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 01:46:00 +0000

Question

So far in my life I've only been able to have a vaginal orgasm about three times from what I can count but they've only happened when I was masturbating. One of the things I want more than anything, to be honest like you two, is to be able to orgasm vaginally with my partner since I've heard with a partner it is one of life's most beautiful experiences.

My only problem is that I'm an incredibly shy and enclosed person. I love my boyfriend more than I've ever loved anybody and our sex is incredibly passionate and loving but I continuously feel like we rush through it. We live an hour and a half away so we rarely see each other (which does make the meeting all the more steamier) but I feel like he rushes through it. He just wants to cum and what experts say is the 20 minutes of necessary foreplay is more like four minutes.

Not only this but I'm not exactly as comfortable around him as I feel I should be. I know he loves me more than anything, but I'm not assertive. I'm afraid to make moves or ask for things and likewise so is he which I feel is greatly hindering our relationship. Should I talk to him about this issue?

From your Nine Was The Magic Number post I was hoping (since we have a six day spring break week planned just the two of us and a hotel room) that I could coerce him into lying in bed with me all day in the hopes of feeling emotionally closer and achieving a vaginal orgasm with him by asking him just want to do nothing but please me.

Also we mainly only really just have sex. We've made love and it was beautiful and we have phone sex and we have just typical sex a lot but a lot of the time it leaves me feeling unsatisfied and more importantly frustrated due to not being able to orgasm vaginally because I crave being close to him but I have trouble vaginal orgasming (tips if possible please) so I rely on clitoral stimulation but we don't use cock rings and like we all know, trying to rub your clit with someone on top can get awkward, and we've orgasmed together but it was doggie style and clitoral and I want something more, I want a deep connecting, body rocking, legs can barely move after experience with him.

Do I just need to be more comfortable with him and the rest will fall into place? Is it just impossible for some women to vaginal orgasm? Am I breathing wrong? I think I psyche myself out because I feel like he's more selfish but I'm too afraid to ask him to change. It's a vicious cycle.

Help please,

- Shy

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Dr. Chelsea Holland
Profile | Website

There are several things that have jumped out at me from reading your inquiry. If I understand correctly, you would like your passionate sessions with your boyfriend to last longer, to not be just “typical sex”, and to have a vaginal orgasm; however, both of you lack assertiveness so bringing up the topic of trying new things or talking about your concern is tough.

What I want to say to you first is that, unfortunately, it has been a long-time attempt to convince women they should not only need penetration during sex to have an orgasm but that the vaginal orgasm is the crown jewel of sexual satisfaction. Sounds a lot like a “males-rule-all” scenario to me. With such expectations filling men and women’s minds, when a vaginal orgasm during penetration alone doesn’t happen then thoughts of inadequacy, frustration, and just plain being pissed off occurs. Sound familiar? Forcing this model of sex is not helping women out because penetration just isn’t what most women need to have an orgasm. Although penetration alone works for some, it doesn’t work for a lot of women. To help provide some explanation, here is some information gathered from various studies. (Now, stay with me here. I know it’s a lot of information)

The Vaginal Orgasm

In an effort to answer many questions, including the answer to the question, “Are clitoral and vaginal orgasms truly separate anatomic entities?” Masters and Johnson studied hundreds of men’s and women’s sexual responses, the results of which are in their book Human Sexual Response. The results of their effort led them to conclude that, “From a biological point of view, the answer to this question is an unequivocal No.” (65).

Wait, WHAT?! There is no vaginal orgasm? Nope.

Instead, what differs is the variation in the direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris, which then causes a variation in the duration, intensity, and subjective feeling of an orgasm. Different types of touch and duration of that touch cause different orgasmic experiences for women, which means variations in stimulation will also cause different feelings of orgasm for you. For example, an orgasm from a vibrator on your clitoris might feel different from the orgasm you feel when your partner’s penis is inside of you, your clitoris is rubbing against his pubic bone and he’s pulling your hair. They can feel deep, superficial, dull, and intense...anything under the sun depending on what you’re doing and how YOU interpret the feeling. Further, an orgasm that comes quickly might feel different from one that takes longer because of the differences in muscle tension and blood buildup.

What I’m trying to get at is each feeling of orgasm is different. It isn’t about achieving an orgasm but experiencing an orgasm, one isn't better than the other, they shouldn’t be compared to other women’s, it doesn’t matter how you have an orgasm or how many, and, in my opinion, each orgasm (no matter how big or small) is one of “life’s most beautiful experiences”.

Orgasm From Penetration

Not only is there not a vaginal OR clitoral orgasm (but simply variations in orgasmic feeling), expecting all women to orgasm through penetration alone is also pretty darn unfair. According to The Hite Report, a study of over three thousand woman conducted by Shere Hite, only 30% of women can have an orgasm through penetration. The study also found that half of that 30% also needed simultaneous clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm through intercourse. That means the majority of women rely on clitoral stimulation to orgasm. What’s more, in a study where 20,000 orgasms were monitored by sexologists William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian, it was found that it takes the average woman 20-30 minutes of constant, sustained stimulation to have an orgasm. With the four minutes of only penetration you currently have to work with, it’s no wonder you are left feeling unsatisfied. That’s just enough time to get the blood flowing and your mind cleared from your hectic day.

What Does This Mean for You?

First, don’t downplay the orgasms you are having because they aren’t the earth-shaking, five-in-a-row ones you think you are supposed to have. Love the awesomeness that is each orgasm, no matter how small or big. What’s more, sexual pleasure doesn’t always have to be about “achieving” orgasm. You can simply want to feel some pleasure but not want an orgasm. Or perhaps you aren’t in the mindset to have one. Whatever it may be, orgasm shouldn’t be the determining factor or end-all-be-all in your pleasure, but rather a part of your overall pleasure experience. And don’t feel like you have to have sex with your boyfriend all the time. He has two hands doesn’t he? And if you aren’t quite satisfied after sex, you have two hands don’t you? Or, speak up and tell him that you need more (more on that later).

If you do want to have sex and an orgasm during sex, you will probably need to do more things than rely on penetration alone. For instance, you can be on top so you can grind your clitoris on his pubic bone. Or, you or your partner can also stimulate your clitoris with a hand or vibrator (yes it can be awkward but practice helps!). And orgasms most certainly don’t have to happen at the same time. If they do, great, but it’s a rare occurrence for most (and an exhausting goal to try and reach).

If tying things during penetration is too tough to synchronize, keep in mind that that your orgasm can happen before, after, and even instead of intercourse by self-pleasuring, mutual self-pleasuring, oral sex, massages, etc. There are so many variations you can play with. For instance, you can have him stimulate you to orgasm, then have sex, then make out. Or maybe when he gets too heated during sex, stop and start making out and then masturbate together. Whatever combination of pleasure you want is great! Play around and have fun! Trying different things will help you find what works to give you the feeling of orgasm that is your favorite. You don’t even need to try some new crazy sexual positions or technique. Start with what you know and keep things simple to build up more intimacy and passion between the two of you. For instance you can kiss passionately without the expectation of sex or give each other a sensual massage for it’s own sake. That isn’t to say you can’t try new things, but often working on and communicating about things you already do is not as scary and can help build comfort between the two of you, which is an important foundation for building intimacy and passion (and later suggesting new things).

Communication & Assertiveness

Unfortunately, your man isn’t a mind reader and he is likely to keep doing what he’s doing unless you speak up. When you ask yourself if you should talk to him about your concerns, the answer is yes. Easier said than done, especially for someone who is shy. To help you out, it is important for you to build your assertiveness. Not only will this make communicating with your partner easier, but also it will lessen your shyness and improve self-image.

In their book Sexual Confidence, Phillips and Judd suggest exercises where you have to maintain your assertiveness in order to help build assertiveness. Makes sense right? They suggest working on one exercise for three weeks, or until it becomes easy, and then move on to exercises that are more challenging for you. Once you are more confident outside of the bedroom, assertiveness inside the bedroom where you can ask what you want, suggest new things, feel like you deserve pleasure, and to be receptive of your partner’s attempts at assertiveness, will become easier.

Some exercises to work on:

1. Accept all compliments without putting yourself down.
2. Express two opinions a day while gradually increasing the controversy of the subject.
3. Express one or two feelings to two or more people a day.
4. Say No or disagree at least twice a week to something you do not want to do.
5. Say Yes at least twice a week to something you would usually deny yourself
6. Ask a favor at least once a week.

Exercises that are more assertive include buying something and returning it, requesting a quite table at a restaurant, and rehearsing with a friend to tell someone to move to the back of the line when they cut in front of you. Self-indulgent exercises are also important to help you feel more deserving of pleasurable activities. For instance, stay in bed an extra few minutes, enjoy putting on lotion, take a day off, exercise, take a bubble bath, etc. Lastly, thought-stopping exercises, where you consciously stop any negative thoughts, such as thinking you don’t deserve to ask for what you want or that other women’s orgasms are better, for more rewarding and pleasurable thoughts will also help your assertiveness.

Once you feel good about your assertiveness outside the bedroom, you will gradually become more comfortable inside the bedroom to communicate to your partner about what you want (such as needing more pressure, to slow it down, suggesting that tonight you just want to make out, or let’s try a new sexual position). And make sure you are receptive to what he has to say as well. It will be easier for your both to be assertive when what either of you say isn’t criticized or laughed at. Lastly, when you feel comfortable, include your partner in your adventure in building your assertiveness. Not only can you encourage him to practice being assertive, but also share with each other any victory in your exercises. It can be very affirming to here positive feedback from your partner when you say, “babe, today I told the gal at the coffee shop that she made me the wrong drink. How cool is that?”

Whew! That’s a longwinded answer to your question and a lot to think about and work on. Remember: The vaginal orgasm isn’t better than a clitoral orgasm (because it doesn’t exist). Penetration during sex alone doesn’t work for most women so more direct clitoral stimulation will likely need to happen before, during, or after sex for you to be satisfied. And work on your assertiveness, which will positively impact all areas of your life, not just in the bedroom.

Best of luck! Please contact me if you have more questions.

Cheers, Chelsea Holland, DHS

Dr. Charlie Glickman
Profile | Website

OK, first thing- all of the hype about how vaginal orgasms are so much better than anything else is hype. About 70% of women need some sort of clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, even when they’re also doing vaginal penetration. There’s nothing magical about it- it’s a question of where your nerves are located and individual anatomy. Plus, the more you (or your boyfriend) set up vaginal orgasm as a goal, the more the pressure will get in the way.

Second thing- you’re right. It’s pretty common for women to need more time to reach orgasm than men, though that can vary. But if he’s orgasming after a few minutes, who says that that’s the end of sex? He could go down on you. He could use his hands on you. You could make out with him while using your fingers or a vibrator. The notion that sex = intercourse and that it’s over when a man orgasms is one of the biggest myths that gets in the way of a good time. And besides, he might get turned on so much that he’s ready for another round.

On top of that, I’m willing to bet that he’ll find that slowing down and ramping up more slowly makes it more fun and pleasurable for him. It’s the difference between eating as fast as you can and hardly tasting it versus taking your time and enjoying the meal. You don’t say how old he is, but many men discover as they get older that slowing down instead of racing for the finish line is a lot more fun for everyone.

Third thing- if the two of you have difficulty talking about what you each want, that’s a big barrier to getting what you want. Here’s a good approach:

1) Something I really like about sex with you is…
2) Something I’d like to add to our sex life is…
3) Something about our sex life that I’d like to change is…

Be specific. Not "I like touching you." but rather "I like feeling your skin against mine. It makes me feel really close to you.” If you have difficulty saying any of the words, try practicing saying them over and over when you’re by yourself. Most people find that it helps them become more comfortable with them. (This is a good exercise when you’re driving by yourself. Nobody can hear you and anyone who sees you will think you’re singing along to some music.)

The reason this can be helpful is that starting off with a positive thing makes it clear that you’re not attacking him. Also, don’t have this conversation during sex, just after sex, or when you’re cuddly & snuggly. That kills the mood and makes it harder to have a good talk. Instead, go for a walk in the park together. A lot of men have difficulty maintaining face-to-face contact during these talks, so side-by-side often feels safer and easier for them. You can also ask him to tell you his answers, either after you do all three or another time. But don’t let it slide- it’s important for communication to go both ways.

Lastly- a lot of women find that it takes some practice to be able to have the "deep connecting, body rocking, legs can barely move" orgasms. I know it’s frustrating to hear, especially if it seems like everyone else does it easily. Some women do, but lots of them are pretending to have them. Trust me- I talk to people all the time about their sex lives and I can promise you that a lot of the women who claim to have amazing sex really aren’t. There’s a lot of pressure on women to have mind-blowing orgasms and more of them are pretending than you realize.

There isn’t anything wrong with you. It’s almost certainly a matter of figuring out what you need to feel more comfortable and relax into the experience, what kinds of stimulation work for you, and how to talk with your boyfriend.

Here are some good resources that I think you’ll find helpful:

I Love Female Orgasm Lots of amazing info, tips, and suggestions for things to try.

Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction Written by a top-notch sex researcher, this guide explains how arousal and pleasure work really well.

Tickle Your Fancy The more you know about your body and what feels good for you, the easier it’ll be to enjoy sex with a partner. This easy-to-read guide has lots of good ideas.

What You Really, Really Want This is easily the best book I’ve seen for women who are trying to discover what their sexual desires are and how to talk about them with a partner. If I could pick one book on sex & relationships to give to everyone, this would probably be it.

Exhibitionism For The Shy Overcoming shyness and being able to talk with a partner about what you want are a lot easier with some support and ideas. This is an excellent guide for how to do it.

And if your boyfriend (or you) would like some more info about sexual anatomy, here’s a good overview and here’s a great book. Remember- nobody is born knowing anything about sex, so we all have to learn it somewhere.

I hope this help. Good luck & have fun!

(not open for reader comments)

New Members to the Experts Panel

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 15:47:00 +0000

We are proud to announce the addition of two exceptional members to the Sex & Relationship Expert Panel! Dr. Charlie Glickman (who joined us back in December) and Dr. Chelsea Holland... both are gifted professionals and we count ourselves lucky to have their participation here on Dick-n-Jane.com.

Dr. Charlie Glickman
CharlieGlickman.com

Dr. Charlie Glickman PhD is the Education Program Manager at Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com) and is certified as a sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. He writes and teaches workshops on a wide range of topics, including sex-positivity, sex and shame, communities of erotic affiliation, gender and masculinity, and many different sexual practices. Charlie has also taught classes for medical and mental health professionals, non-profit agency service providers, hotline volunteers, and many organization, communities and social groups. Find out more about him on his website, on Facebook or on Twitter.

Dr. Chelsea Holland
SEXuality Education

Dr. Chelsea Holland is a Doctor of Human Sexuality (DHS) based in Colorado. She is a sex educator, sex counselor and writer. She helps individuals, partners, and groups regardless of their sexual orientation, sexual interests, ability, and age with concerns and questions around their sexuality and relationships. Further, she uses her open-minded, sex-positive, and nonjudgmental approach to help individuals become aware and accepting of who they are, to learn to be authentic in society about who they are, and to learn skills that will help them develop and maintain positive relationships that are accepting of the individual's authenticity.

Dr. Holland fist received her Bachelor of Science in News-Editorial with an emphasis in Integrative Physiology from the University of Colorado at Boulder. To follow her passion for learning and helping others regarding sex and sexuality, she continued her education by completing her Associate in Sex Education and Clinical Sexology Certificate from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS), where she also obtained her Doctor of Human Sexuality. Currently, Dr. Holland is an active member of AASECT and currently writes for Good Vibrations Magazine and Blog, NotSoSecret.com, and RelateSpace.com.

To learn more about Dr. Holland, visit her on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and her blog.

What To Do About Kids Walking In

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 02:35:00 +0000

Question

I understand you and Jane have children so being parents as my husband (Ben) and I are, I'm sure you will be able to relate. You see on more than one occassion one of our kids, mainly our youngest, has intruded on our lovemaking.

Ben and I have locked our bedroom door, but even this does not help as the continous knocking is a severe distraction. It doesnt happen every night, but when it does it is like a splash of ice cold water, just kills the mood.

Last night was one of those nights. Ben had finished his shower then came to bed. It was after 11 and we lay there cuddling and talking about our day, even checked out your blog as well as the Kristen Archives. Well, naturally, reading those erotic stories made Bens dick hard. I am sure my fondling of his nuts didnt help matters!

I was tired and really wasnt in the mood for fucking, so I began giving him a blow-job. Neither one of us bothered to lock the bedroom door,because we were both tired and weren't planning on any sex. The next thing we knew in walked our youngest, catching me with a mouthful of dick. Ben yanked the cover over us the best he could and told her to go back to bed.

She ran off crying, so I had to leave Ben to check on her and wound up laying down with her. Instead of a blow-job, my poor husband ended up having to beat-off.

What do you say to a seven year old? Why did mommy have daddies T-T in her mouth?

- Gina

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

Lanae StJohn
Profile | The MamaSutra

That's quite a situation! And likely the one every parent fears in their own sex life.

I'll try to address a few of the points that I identified in your email, because there were more in my view than just the two questions you posed at the end.

Chances are your youngest is intruding because they are curious about what is going on when the doors are closed -- think 'are they doing something I am missing out on'? Talking to your children with that in mind can also be the start of some good conversations.

It could also be time to give your children some distinct boundaries, for example, about what closed doors mean & the purpose of knocking. This is about your (and your child's) privacy and being polite by knocking before entering. As parents you have the ability (& frankly, the right) to designate Mommy & Daddy Time. It's important for your relationship as well. Lots of parents sacrifice their own alone time and give their children all their time. Remember, your relationship is why the children came into the world in the first place. Make sure to let all of your children know you want time to yourselves. Let them know that when they get older they will also have the right to close their door for privacy and that you will knock as well.

(Just have to note here my initial reaction to your statement that you were too tired to fuck: a BJ is more work than fucking? What am I doing differently?? LOL)

I've never heard this term before: what is this "T-T" you refer to? The first thing I tell parents as they are raising their children: please use the proper names for the parts of the body. Do you call a nose by another name? Feet? There is nothing to be ashamed about with naming the parts of the body. Our society has lots of shame around the human body. I think the more parents use the proper names and make saying the names more "mainstream", the more other parents will use the proper names. Eventually those who do use weird euphemisms (pee pee, wee wee, unit, peter, etc) will be seen as silly and those terms will become less commonplace. You can even own it and say (if this is the case) your parents didn't talk to you using the anatomical names so you are a little embarrassed or uncomfortable saying these words to them but there's nothing wrong with the human body and you want them to know that. Let them know that you will be adjusting to using the terms as well so your children don't grow up with these same hang ups you did. In any event, please use the regular names of the body with your children. You will notice it becomes really less of a big deal. Ok, rant over. ;)

Lemme ask a couple questions for clarification: was the room dark? Is it possible the child was wandering in half asleep and didn't notice what exactly was happening when they opened the door? Was there anything for the child to see in the 1st place if the room was dark?

Sorry to say, but making a big deal out of or strongly reacting to your child finding you in a compromising position probably did more harm than simply stopping, covering mommy with the sheet - but even that part isn't completely crucial - and taking a minute to calmly say, "what is it honey?" and not making a "scene" out of being caught. I understand the shock of the moment probably naturally caused the two of you to jump. I can tell u from experience that making it sort of a non-event makes it something they quickly forget. Example:
My door does not lock at all -guess how we discovered that? My girls have entered the room often, I sleep naked as well so I typically have at least a sheet as cover. Many times when he is on top of me -under the covers or sometimes just the sheet- and perhaps even inside of me. Sometimes we freeze and sometimes not. The tone of voice is calm to ask if they can go back out and knock first. They do and that gives us a moment to decide if we want to say "come in" or come back later.

What does a parent say to a 7 year old? First of all, I don't see any need to explain EXACTLY what you were doing to daddy or why daddy's penis (not a T-T) was in your mouth; Adults tend to give way too much info for kids to digest. Unless she specifically asks again but even then I would wrap it all under the following -- I would say this: Your mommy and daddy love each other very much. When adults love each other very much they like to kiss and touch each other Because It Feels Good. Mommy and daddy like to have private time together, sometimes after you kids go to bed, to do these things to show each other love. You are getting old enough to understand that if the door is closed mommy & daddy want some time alone together. It is polite for you to knock first. You are also old enough that if you need a drink of water or something after we put you to bed you are old enough to get it yourself (making sure the child has everything they need at their reach to do this independently). We both love you very much and we didn't mean to hurt your feelings when we sent you away crying. That was probably a really sad way to go back to bed. We're sorry. You startled us and that is what caused us to react the way we did.

As I said, speaking from experience, I know this is one of parenting's most stickyiest situations. It doesnt have to be as scary as we make it out to be. I hope this helps you.

xxoo,
The MamaSutra

(open for moderated reader comments)

How To Improve Quality and Duration of Sex

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 00:51:00 +0000

Question

Hi Dick and Jane!

I have recently discovered your site and I love it. It is very educational and is helping me develop sexually. My question is about my girlfriend of 9 months. We have somewhat regular sex and it is very fun. I have always felt that I am not great at doing the deed though. I can't last as long as I feel that I should and I feel like the pleasure I am giving her can be so much more. We recently started using toys but they don't seem to have much affect. She tells me that I am great in bed and make her happy but I still can't believe it. On time we were having regular sex and she was using a bullet vibrator on her clit... after a few minutes of thrusting and short bursts of moans she began screaming! She was enjoying herself at a level I have never seen before. It was amazing so I kept going and eventually came. After we were done she was at loss for words and taking a very long time to catch her breath. We have tried to do this again multiple times but have not been able to. I want to please her so badly and I want help to know of ways to last longer and maker her feel good...please help. - Steven

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Dr. Charlie Glickman
Profile | Website

“I cant last as long as i feel that i should”- I hear a lot of pressure in that statement. In my experience as a sex educator, the word “should” gets in the way of happy sex more than almost any other word. (The other word that does that is “normal.”) Most men experience a lot of pressure to “last longer”, though there’s usually little conversation about what that means. The fact that some guys will use numbing creams is often a sign that lots of us value performance over our pleasure. That means that we’re missing out on some of the opportunities to enjoy sex, which seems unfortunate to me.

So the first thing I want to suggest is that you stop worrying about it. In fact, worry and anxiety can cause ejaculation to happen earlier than you might want. They can also cause erection difficulties. In some ways, sex is sort of zen- the best sex happens when we stop trying to be record breakers every time, and instead, focus on the pleasures of the moment. The fact that you have difficulty believing your girlfriend when she says that you’re great in bed and make her happy makes me think that you might enjoy sex more if you let go of the performance model of sex.

That same thing would also make the chances of another earth-shattering sexual experience more likely for your girlfriend. Anxiety can hinder vaginal lubrication and orgasm for women, just as it can affect men’s sexual response. Instead of trying for a repeat performance, think of it as an exploration. The more the two of you can relax, the more fun you’ll have. That almost always works better than adding more stimulation or trying some new amazing trick or technique.

As far as “lasting long enough,” you’ll probably find that sex becomes much more enjoyable when you stop thinking of it as requiring an erection or intercourse. If you orgasm before the two of you want to be done, switch it up to erotic massage or oral sex. Or massage her breasts and kiss her while she uses a vibrator. Or take a break and come back to it later. Or ask her what she’d like to try- after all, if she’s had an orgasm or is feeling satisfied, she might be done. Or start off with oral sex on her and don’t switch to intercourse until after she’s had an orgasm or two. I’ve talked with lots of women who get frustrated with their partner’s desire to keep going all night like a machine instead of focusing on what feels good.

There are a few books that I can suggest, if you’d like to get some more info about female sexual response and orgasm. I Love Female Orgasm has amazing information and plenty of great tips and advice. I’m also a fan of How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure for the very straightforward approach and helpful sex tips. And if you want some of the best anatomy info and lots of fun ways to experience pleasure, Women's Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure is an excellent guide.

Cassie Wolfe LSW, MEd
Profile | Website

Hey Steven,

I always like to start off with some sex-u-cation. Do you know what the average length of time for sexual intercourse is (excluding foreplay)? Take a guess! 15 minutes? NO! 35 minutes? NOPE! An hour and a half?!?! Still NO! The average time is between 4-7 minutes! Of course there are folks who vary along the spectrum, some last longer and some last much shorter. The most important thing I want to highlight here is something you said about your girlfriend: “She tells me that I am great in bed and make her happy.” LISTEN TO HER dude!

It sounds like your relationship comes complete with communication and genuine comfort, which are key traits in the world of relationship success. Otherwise, there likely wouldn’t be any incorporation of toys because one or both would feel embarrassed or perhaps sexually inadequate. Using the vibrating Bullet with your cock sounds like a pretty fantastical combination in stimulating multiple sensitive areas. However, not all sex is created equally. Sometimes may be better than others and that’s OK and NORMAL. Things like stress, low desire, and straight psyching yourself out of the game can affect performance and enjoyment. So my best advice is to take the pressure off of yourself and her and to just be present in your moments together, enjoying each touch, each kiss, each thrust! Sex is not a sprint, nor a marathon…nor is real sex like porn sex where each person cums at a level 10 on the Richter Scale.

In terms of lasting longer, again, I would check in with your partner because lasting longer may not be pleasurable for her (in the case of dryness or soreness after prolonged sex sessions). Lubrication is an easy remedy as are techniques like starting and stopping…slowing down your rhythm…practicing getting close to cumming solo while masturbating and stopping. Masters and Johnsons perfected the squeeze technique. All in all, just enjoy yourself and be confident in what you’re putting down! Confidence is HOT!

Jane of Dick-n-Jane.com
(degreed Nursing professional)

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

(open for moderated reader comments)

Concerned About Penis Size

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:51:00 +0000

Question

A bit embarrassed but here goes:

I am 195 lbs, former college football player who has stayed in shape with lifting weights and running. I am also "short" where it counts (like 2.5 hard inches). Even so, I have a "fairly good" sex life. I am good at oral and using my fingers to get her off. The one position that works for me is her on top and grinding on my pubes. Anal works most of the time if I hold her tight so she doesnt lunge forward. We just want to know if there is something new you guys know of that we can try.

Otherwise, she and I have been to several nudist resorts and I am not too shy about my size since pool water makes most guys shrink a little.

- Russ

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Dr. Antoinette Izzo D.H.S., M.A.
Profile

It sounds like you are fairly well adjusted and comfortable with who you are, so I begin with a “kudos to you!” for that. You’re at least one step ahead of the game, considering that the biggest hurdle to overcome when dealing with these sorts of concerns is usually self acceptance.

“We just want to know if there is something new you guys know of that we can try.”

If you are referring to trying to alter the size of your penis, there are at least a couple of important things to keep in mind: Surgical methods of penile enlargement remain controversial and are characterized by an unacceptably high rate of complications, and non-surgical methods are highly popularized by the media but often lack scientific evidence. I’ve come across only a single peer-reviewed article (Oderda & Gontero, 2011) that briefly analyses the efficacy and scientific background of such non-surgical methods of penile lengthening. This article found that “penile extenders represent the only evidence-based technique of penile elongation... making these traction devices an ideal first-line treatment option for patients seeking a penile lengthening procedure.”

If you research online, you will likely come across numerous ads for these “penis stretchers.” They claim to work by applying continuous stretch to the penis over an extended period of time, causing microscopic tears in the tissue that “grow” the penis when the body repairs them. Because there is so little evidence to support these claims, and because your primary concern seems to be about function over form, my personal recommendation is to forego trying to change your penis size and instead focus on experimenting with new sexual tools and techniques in your relationship.

If penetration is important to you and your partner (and I stress the “if,” because plenty of women prefer oral and/or manual stimulation over penile penetration), consider trying a strap-on, or a penis extension (which is essentially a hollow strap-on) or penis sleeve. If you are concerned about “slipping out” during penetrative sex but don’t want to use one of these enhancement tools, have your partner remain on top and gyrate back and forth in circles instead of up and down. If penetration is not your (or her) main concern, focus on foreplay (i.e. kissing, caressing, biting, etc.) and on stimulating her clitoris (manually or orally).

Oderda, M., & Gontero, P. (2011). Non-invasive methods of penile lengthening: fact or fiction? British Journal of Urology International, 107 (8), 1278-1282.

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

(open for moderated reader comments)

How Do We Parent A [Possibly] Gay Son?

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 06:15:00 +0000

Question

My wife and I have 3 kids; a 10 year old son, and 12 year old boy/girl twins. Our boys are very close but they contrast one another in some key ways; notably their demeanors, and possibly their sexual orientation. I believe it is very likely our younger son is gay.

Jane says it’s too soon, he’s too young for us to make that assessment. I’m not so sure... and that raises questions for me about how to best parent a gay son. Beyond fostering a loving and supportive home environment (which seems like the easy part) we could use some tips on how to best approach these other issues...

1. School: We have already seen homophobic rhetoric come home from school and we know it can be a tough place for any kid that is different. Right now, he is a happy, self confident kid and it would break our hearts to see him struggle with peer induced self loathing. How do we best support and protect him?

2. Family: He has siblings who are, not surprisingly, still working on their maturity. They love their little brother (usually :o) but understanding the full scope of teasing or chiding behavior is still a few years out. He also has very conservative, homophobic grandparents. Managing family relationships could be a challenge... any sage advice to offer?

3. Him: He may be gay, but he’s not to the point yet where he can fully understand what that means (and I could be wrong about his orientation!!). I’m not going to sit him down and say, "So, son... we think you are gay and you have our full support", that would probably just freak him out. WHEN (if ever) is the right age to proactively acknowledge the possibility of his orientation? Or do we sit back and wait for him to eventually come out to us? Ideally, we will have opportunity to guide and support him without making the mistake of telling him who he is.

We would love some direct advice on this, or even reference to reading or support materials. You are a great group of professionals and we value any input you can provide.

- Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

Cassie Wolfe LSW, MEd
Profile | Website

First let me start off by saying this: you already sound like wonderful parents who understand that regardless of family (and societal) dynamics, the most important structure within a home is fostering a loving, accepting, and supportive environment. That being said, you can only control the messages within your home. And, even then it can be challenging. You will have to prepare yourselves, and your children, intellectually, emotionally, and mentally against the mixed messages they may receive from friends, classmates, classmates’ families, other family members, teachers, society, media, etc. So how do we do this?

Let’s start by clarifying some definitions: sexual orientation v. sexual identity v. gender identity. Sexual orientation is who we are attracted to; it’s the simplified answer to “Whose fun parts do we want to play with?” However, who we are attracted to, doesn’t necessarily mean or guarantee that is who we will play with sexually. Sexual identity refers to the broader idea of how we define ourselves sexually. It can describe who we have sex with (e.g. gay, lesbian, bi, pansexual); and it can also describe the type of sex we enjoy (e.g. BDSM/Kink, Swinging, Roleplay, etc.). Some people use these words to define themselves and report a sense of belonging; while others find these terms limiting and narrow. Some people also separate their behaviors from their identities (i.e. men who are married to women, can identify as straight while also having sex with men; women who form romantic relationships with other women in their older adult lives after their hetero spouses have passed away, often still identify as straight rather than lesbian). Gender identity, which can be shaped as early as 3-5 years old, is the confirmation or rejection of accepted social norms and their relationship to masculinity or femininity. For example, traditional gender norms would associate things like skirts, the color pink, or Barbie dolls with femininity and things like trucks, playing in the mud, or having big muscles with masculinity. Sometimes a person’s gender identity doesn’t match hir biological sex (i.e. the little boy who plays with Barbies and loves pink); and so the way gender is expressed can be considered gender variant or potentially transgendered.

When I think about sexuality in all its glory, I like to remind people that sexuality is not black or white; there are many shades of gray. It’s fluid and changing and that’s what makes it simultaneously wonderful and hellified confusing. Who or what someone likes today may or may not be what they like next month or 5 years from now – and that’s OK! It’s also OK not to focus on labels and making sure we fit neatly into specific identity labeled boxes.

Now, some parenting advice from someone who is not yet a parent:

· Ever hear the old “Sticks and stones…” bit? All lies! Words HURT! Words can turn into internalized hatred. Kids, and even adults, use words casually and jokingly (like saying “That’s so gay”) without realizing that what they’re really saying is gay = bad. Be mindful of that language, who uses it and when it’s being used. If you hear your kids or their friends using it, ask them why and what it means to them. Have a discussion on the importance of word choice and how we can sometimes hurt others without intentionally meaning it – and just because we don’t mean to, doesn’t mean it’s OK.

· Capitalize on teachable moments. The next time you observe something homophobic or something that discusses difference, especially when it’s in a positive light; have a discussion with your kids about it. Process it with them. Communication in EVERY relationship we have is so critical and if you consistently present yourself and your parenting style as open, nonjudgmental, understanding, accepting, and supportive, your kids are more likely to feel secure and safe and they’ll be more willing to come to you with their concerns. Recently, 20/20 has done multiple stories on people, including children, who identify as transgendered. In 2010, Rosie O’Donnell made a documentary entitled “A family is a family is a family” that highlights what the most important ingredient in any family is: love! These are springboards for family discussion.

· Managing homophobia within your family can be difficult. Focus on what is still malleable: your kids. Hate and homophobia are not innate. Teach your kids that acceptance of difference is cool. That being said, you’re not likely to change their grandparents’ perspectives. What you can change are the boundaries you may have to set with anyone who fosters an environment that is anything less than loving, accepting, and safe. What you can change is how often the grandparents will see them, which I imagine will feel punitive and “not-so-nice.” I once worked with a family who decided to tell their grandmother if she didn’t learn to control her offhanded homophobic remarks directed at their 19 year-old son who had just “come out” as gay, she would no longer have a relationship with him. In this situation, it was more important for the grandmother to maintain her relationship with her family, so with some work, she was able to manage her behaviors, though I imagine her perspective remained the same. Our reactions to youth “coming out” as gay or trans are directly linked to their mental health outcomes…and some studies report that LGBs are anywhere between 3-7 times more likely to attempt suicide than their hetero peers. If they’re rejected or bullied, they’re also at risk for homelessness, substance abuse, and more likely to engage in risky behaviors.

· The “coming out” process is different for everyone. The scary part is hearing people say “Everyone else seemed to know before I did.” Some people, like the 19 year-old I mentioned earlier, felt safe enough to publically identify – for others, like NJ politician Jim McGreevy or pop-singer Ricky Martin, depending on various emotional, financial, professional, social or political factors, people may not disclose their identity until much later in life – if ever.

I agree that it would totally freak your son out if you had the “We think you’re gay and we love you regardless” speech; so I would just focus on sending consistently positive, supportive, loving, accepting, and nonjudgmental messages about sexuality. Happy parenting!

Lanae StJohn
Profile | The MamaSutra

Dear Dick,

You and Jane could both be right. But I would be curious to know what makes you think your son may be gay. Chances are your son already has a sense of who he is, but it is also possible your son may not know his own sexual orientation or preference for sure himself. Kids between nine and 12 years old are just starting to become aware of themselves in relation to same-sex and opposite sex interactions. They are also still learning to identify feelings they have and assigning labels to their emotions. Add into the mix the crazy cocktail of hormones during puberty and it's a very topsy-turvy time. Be patient and give your son plenty of time to figure things out for himself but make sure both you and Jane continue to express your love and support as I'm sure you do with all three of your kids.

In terms of looking for predictive behaviors that will tell you with any certainty whether he is gay or not, I would say try to let that go. There isn't a direct relationship between wearing sister's ballet tutu and growing up gay. To give you some examples, I have straight friends with careers that don't fall along those stereotypical–gender lines (i.e., straight male as a WICKEDLY talented Interior Designer) and their interests are high school and college mirrored the same. The same goes for some of my gay friends. We can't know for certain just from observing behavior at a young age.

How To Best Parent A Gay Son? The answer is simple: the same way it is To Best Parent ANY Child: To love and accept them unconditionally and communicate this clearly. This you already know in your heart.

In terms of your three areas of concern:

1) School - If you see homophobic rhetoric coming home from school–even if your son is not gay–I would encourage you to step forward to the school administration. Ask about the kind of training they get in becoming educated themselves about bullying and GLBT issues and ask what they are instructed to do. It could be a case where they are ignorant to what's being said or messaged. Bringing it to their attention is crucial. If they need resources I'm happy to provide some if the other respondents haven't already.

2) Family - Look for the teachable moments. Say something positive about a gay person or a topic related to GLBT issues. Take opportunities to ask all of your kids about what they think. Make sure your kids know you are OK with talking about this topic. If someone says, "oh, that's so gay” feel free to jump in and suggest an alternative such as 'ridiculous' or 'lame' and point out why using "gay" at that point is offensive. You can make sure to tell all of your kids that Grandma and Grandpa are part of a generation where as they were growing up lots of things were not talked about or acceptable, namely equality around race, gender and sexual orientation. You can also explain that you will sometimes need their help with the grandparents when it comes to these issues, or collectively as a family agree that these are topics that you just won't engage them on (if it is a serious no-win situation. Some relationship are like that).

3) Him - Let your son decide. If he IS gay and other 5th grade boys are looking at porn, he will likely notice right away that the images are doing something very different for the other boys than it is for him. I would also offer - though not to scare you - that some kids experiment with same-sex behavior, just as some experiment with the opposite sex. The behavior alone does not define who they are. If he tells you he is gay or questioning you can also support him by helping to identify allies like The Trevor Project. The sad fact is kids who are tormented by other kids in school or otherwise and have no support system at home or elsewhere don't do as well emotionally, psychologically, or socially and have a high incidence of suicide. Strong family support reduces that risk.

Again, I'll say it because it bears repeating, tell your children you love them no matter what they do or say. Tell them you look forward to watching them grow with all the love and support you can give them. And make sure to explain that if there is EVER anything they need or want from you, emotionally or otherwise, that you will always be there for them. That is all ANY child wants to know.

xxoo,
The MamaSutra

(open for moderated reader comments)

How Do We Prepare For Analingus?

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 00:46:00 +0000

Question

I've just found your blog and really appreciate what you're doing. I had a question about pleasuring my wife's ass with my tongue. My wife enjoys having me eat her out while she's on her elbows and knees - which provides more than perfect access to her incredibly sexy little asshole. I have played "around" it, but never really taken a deep plunge with my tongue. I'd like to experiment with it, but I'm a little afraid of the health risks associated. What are the risks and what can be done to reduce them? Thanks!

- Tossing The Salad

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

(open for moderated reader comments)

Can You Recommend Toys For Hands-Free Prostate Play?

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 00:59:00 +0000

Question

Really love your site, me and my wife find alot of similarities with y'all, I would like to get some recommendations for male prostate toys to use with my wife and for solo, we've always just used hands and was looking for some things to use to free up her hands to be used other ways! Lol been trying to talk her into a strap on but she's not yet comfortable with the idea of taking what she says is a masculine role (the thrusting aspect), so I was wondering what yall have found to be the best products?? Your input would be greatly appreciated, I have purchased the euphoria prostate massager from your site and it works ok but was looking for something more.

Anyway thanks again for your time,
Morgan

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

Hi Morgan – thank you for contacting us through our site, we love to hear from our readers, we also love that you are a shopper in our store! The support that offers us is greatly appreciated!

If you want hand-free prostate stimulation then you’re off to a good start with the Euphoria Prostate Massager, which borrows its design heavily from the more pricey Aneros line. This type of tool is great for initial exploration, self play, and can even be worn during sex (all hands-free). But I hear you loud and clear when you say you want something a little more, consider the following 3 products (all from within the same vein):

Aneros Progasm – With a wider body it has less internal play but is capable of better sustained pressure against the prostate. Better yet, its fore and aft arms act like anchor points so when you tilt your pelvis forward and backward (think thrusting with the hips) it rocks forward and backward internally. This extra control can give your anal and PC muscles a rest without neglecting your prostate. Wear it during sex and you’re in for a thrill ride.

Aneros Vice – Similar to the Progasm but with the added sensation of vibration patterns. The vibration feature adds a bit to the overall price but can be a very appealing option to add variety when desired.

Njoy Pfun Plug – This is a prostate massager with attitude. It is heavy (made of solid stainless steel) and has an aggressive angle that really tells your prostate who’s boss. If you were ever in doubt about where your prostate was or what pressure on the prostate felt like, slip this toy in and it will remove all mystery. However, because of its weight; it will fall out if you stand up, it will turn to the side or roll all the way over if you lay on your back, and will generally not stay put (like during sex) unless you keep a hand on it. Lay on your belly for a solo session though... wow. Or have your partner grab the external ring and turn it slowly (oscillating) like a key in a lock... heaven. (my review)

For me, every prostate massager I’ve tried has one annoying trait in common... if worn during sex, it exits promptly during my orgasm. I find this to be distracting since I generally prefer to remove anal toys in a more controlled (and sanitary) manner. For this reason, I prefer to use another category of toy during sex... a butt plug. It takes a decent sized plug to do the trick and the extra size is also assurance that it won’t come out before you want it to. I recommend two plugs for this, each is angled like a prostate massager and that really helps.

Love Pacifier – On the affordable side due to its material (rubber) and really does the trick. The 1.5 inch diameter head will require you warm up a bit before insertion but once in, you’ll find the size to be quite nice. Its effect on the prostate is quite noticeable and I blogged about my experience with this toy, find that entry here: Was It Good For Me?

Njoy Pure Plug – The large Pure Plug is about the same size as the Love Pacifier above (I don’t recommend the smaller sizes). What you get from the Pure Plug for your extra money is solid stainless steel with a beautiful shine that slips in easily with just a touch of lube. It is heavy, thermally stable (good for temperature play), and stays put whether you are standing, walking, or actively thrusting. If you try the Love Pacifier and like it I would highly recommend an upgrade to the large Njoy Pure Plug... put it on your wish list and see what happens when your next birthday rolls around.

I know you didn’t really ask me about strap on sex, but I’ll offer some free advice anyway (for what it’s worth). Jane wasn’t really into the idea, I had a harness for more than a year before she even tried it on, but she eventually agreed because she loves me and she knew I wanted to try. Her experience was a surprise to her because she really liked it, much of that had to do with her satisfaction in pleasing me. We each wrote about our first pegging experience, you can find those entries here: Dick Said, Jane Said.

The act of pegging does not need to be a full roll reversal and does not require your wife to be the active, thrusting party. She can still be the “bottom” while you do the work in the roll of “top” (like in this picture). This could be a good way to start and she might change her mind about her part in the whole thing after a couple sessions of seeing your response.

In my experience, pegging introduces much more to a relationship than simple physical exchange. Charlie Glickman’s post on this topic makes some very good points and is worth a read.

Good luck seeking out what works best for you, your prostate, and your wife Morgan. Thanks for trusting us enough to ask for our advice, we are more than happy to share.

(open for moderated reader comments)

Should I Invite Another Man Into Our Bed?

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 21:37:00 +0000

Question

Hi! My name is Alex, and I just wanted to start off saying that my wife and I are big fans of your site. You may remember my wife (Sam) asking about the use of prostate massagers. We tried one that my wife picked up at the local romance store and I liked it a little bit. I think we may have gotten a cheap one, but it seamed to big. But my question today is different. My wife and I absolutely love eachother, but we like having threesomes from time to time. I know you two are a monogamous couple, but thought you might be able to help me decide. My wife was kind enough to invite another girl into the bedroom with us and we had an amazing time. Do you think its fair to invite another male into the room for a little guy on guy on girl action? My wife would find it interesting and I'd do anything to please her, but I'm not gay. I figured since I wanted my wife to try pegging with me, would the real thing be different? Is there anything I can do to prepare myself for taking it in the rear, but also being able to enjoy it? I'm lost and confused and I trust you guys with smart sexual decisions. Please help.

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

Dr. Charlie Glickman
Profile | Website

I think that there are a few different ways to answer this question. First, I think it's totally fair to give your partner an experience she'd like, especially after she gave you one. But I also think it's important to be sure that whatever happens, you're doing it out of a desire to have fun rather than because you think you have to. That can lead to resenting the situation or your partner and in my experience, resentment is one of the biggest problems for relationships.

So if you're on board with a MMF threesome, great! But if you're not sure about it, or if you're not into it, you might want to find some other ways to give your wife a fun time.

OK, so if you decide to go for it, you still get to decide what that means. Lots of people have threesomes where two people focus on the third instead of having much contact between them. Think of it as a V rather than a triangle. that's important because you get to have your boundaries, too. For that matter, the other guy might want to focus on her instead of you, too.

Even if both of you guys do decide to give each other a little attention, that doesn't necessarily have to mean anal intercourse. Oral sex, hand jobs, kissing, massage- those are all possibilities and they can be lots of fun. So don't get stuck on the idea that you have to do anything you don't want to do. For lots of excellent tips and sexy inspiration, check out The Expert Guide to Threesomes or The Threesome Handbook: A Practical Guide to Sleeping With Three.

If you decide to give anal intercourse a try, it's not a lot different from pegging, at least in terms of the mechanics. However, it's worth knowing that the ability to experience and enjoy anal penetration is strongly connected to your level of relaxation and arousal. If you aren't turned on or if you're feeling nervous, you might tighten up or you might not enjoy it as much as you could when you're more excited. If that happens, don't stress about it. It could be nothing more than first-time jitters. Or it could be that you're simply not attracted to men in general or this guy in particular. But the more you try to force it, the less likely you are to succeed, so keep the focus on having fun instead of engaging in a particular activity.

There are some great guides to anal play and they're definitely worth checking out. Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men covers all the important stuff and while it focuses on pegging rather than sex with another guy, the info is pretty much the same. I also like The Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Men. And there's a lot of great info on the Good Vibrations website on anal sex and prostate play.

I can also recommend a few toys to get you started with anal and prostate play, like the Aneros Prostate Massager and the Naughty Boy Anal Toy. And don't forget the lube and condoms.

Remember- the whole point is to have fun, so whatever you do, enjoy!

Cassie Wolfe LSW, MEd
Profile | Website

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

Alex – Let’s put the non-monogamy topic aside, it’s clear you and Sam already have an agreement that works. It’s also appears that you would like to leverage this agreement to explore new territory... specifically sex with another man. An MMF threesome present a wide array of possibilities, only one of which is male on male anal sex, and I get the impression this new activity was your idea not hers.

From your description it sounds like you have limited experience with anal play but are ready to jump into a not-totally-hetero relationship with another man (for your wife’s sake and with her present so it’s not gay) for the purpose of taking it up the bum. You should consider the health risks for both you and Sam and that the man attached to the guest penis will have his own agenda and needs. By introducing another person to your sexual relationship you are inviting in much more than just an extra set of genitals... but you knew that already.

My first experience with pegging (having Jane fuck my ass with a lifeless dildo) was a surprisingly profound and bonding experience. Sexual climax on the receiving end of penetrative sex is known to unleash unexpected emotional responses (something about connected neural pathways) and in my case it did just that. Sharing that experience with Jane, my primary [and only] partner, required both vulnerability and great trust on my part. I can’t imagine trying to fully experience the joys of receptive anal sex for the first time while also exploring with a new partner (be they male or female).

To be clear... pegging and sex with another man are not equivalent. My advice is to explore your prostate and anal curiosities with Sam, you will get more out of it. Buy some basic equipment if necessary and tread new ground with your trusted partner. If you still have the desire to receive anal sex from another man during an MMF threesome then do it, at least you will have already learned some things about your own sexual response beforehand.

If I were to slap a label on you, Alex, it would be “heteroflexible-curious” and there’s nothing wrong with that. If so, I would encourage you to be true to yourself and forthcoming with Sam. An MMF may be your fantasy as much as hers for reasons she should be aware of before the big date.

(not open for comments)

Her Kinky Past Casts A Shadow On Our Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 23:06:00 +0000

Question

Hi Dick and Jane, I am seeking advice regarding my girlfriend of a year, who is happy, intelligent and friendly, with loving parents. We're in our late 30s and fell in love soon after we met, where we shared a lot about our past and what we were into sexually. When I asked her what turned her on, she said she wanted me to pee on her, and things like can I pee through an erection. I sort of laughed it off at the time, but a few months after this she told me how one of her recent ex's used to get off by peeing on her and then coming on her, and that after a while it got her off too. I offered to do the same if that's what she liked, but she had changed her mind and was no longer interested, even though she had mentioned he was the last guy to do it for her. What bothered me the most was that she said the guy was a porn obsessed creep who wanted to do lots of other things she refused, they weren't in love, and straight sex seems boring for her now, which is all she wants to do, even though I am always trying new things and love dirty sex myself. She says she loves me and is making a real effort with our sex life, and I am wondering because she loves me she doesn't want to have dirty sex.

I am having a hard time not visualising what they used to get up to, and it is not pleasant imagining the one you love doing these sort of things, for myself at least. I don't feel jealous about it, and understand she had every right to do what she liked before we were together (her many other boyfriends and one night stands she's talked about don't bother me, and I was no saint myself), it's just I have a hard time resolving this and moving on, as much as I have tried.

I don't want it to create a permanent scar in my mind and our relationaship, and if I bring it up, she says I just have to learn to get over it. - Andy

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Cassie Wolfe LSW, MEd
Profile | Website

It sounds like you found an awesome partner you can connect with. Fantastical! The thing to keep in mind about turn-ons is two-fold: 1. They can change over time and through exploration and 2. They can change with different partners. If your partner described her ex as a “porn obsessed creep” then there may be a strong likelihood that A. she doesn’t want to be reminded of him by doing specific things they used to do; B. sometimes we expand our sexual boundaries with a partner because we feel safe, there’s a strong element of trust and communication, and/or because there’s an element of curiosity that is sexually appealing; or C. after having some time to process her previous sexual activities, maybe she realized getting peed on felt degrading and messy and that what turned her on was seeing her partner turned on. Conversely, sometimes we stretch our boundaries because we are scared of losing our partner or perhaps feeling like we’re not measuring up to their previous partner’s sexual prowess. Whatever the reason, communication is the most important element and contrary to popular belief, it is OK to change your mind and re-negotiate your limitations and boundaries.

So when you say “straight sex seems boring for her now, which is all she wants to do”…I would question if someone wants to keep doing something, is it really because they are bored by it or could it be that having “vanilla” sex with you makes her feel something more amazing and passionate than she felt with her ex or previous partners? Ask her.

I would also encourage you both to further elaborate on your ideas of “dirty sex.” For some people, “dirty” can mean something as simple as any other position besides missionary to anal sex, rough sex, spankings, bondage, etc. Terms can really fall anywhere on the whole spectrum of sexual behaviors and unless you both are clear on what you mean and what you would like to try (or not try), it’s not really fair for either of you to simply assume one or both are interested/uninterested in certain activities.

Now, listen, I can totally relate to not wanting to imagine my partner banging his ex…so you know what I do? I don’t! Just like I don’t consciously imagine my parents having sex…there are just some images that are best unseen! What it sounds like to me is that some part of you feels slighted by not having the opportunity to explore this area with her. My question is, is this really about pleasing her, pleasing yourself, or feeling like you’re sexually superior to her ex? Where “they used to get up to” should take a huge back seat to where the two of you are going…because trying to compete in the “sex Olympics” may just get you disqualified. Chanel your energy and attention toward activities that turn each other on to strengthen your connection…not the connection either of you have had with someone else!

(open for moderated reader comments)

Caught Masturbating, Wife Objects

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 14:07:00 +0000

Question

Recently my wife caught me jacking off to a porn magazine and got really upset,claiming it was the same as cheating on her. Is this true? She doesn't like for me to masturbate,so I sneak it in when I am alone at the house. We have a great sex life,but I have been beating off since I was around 12 or 13. I would like a females perspective,though any help would be appreciated! Thanks a bunch! - Ben G.

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

Cassie Wolfe LSW, MEd
Profile | Website

Jane of Dick-n-Jane.com
(degreed Nursing professional)

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

I masturbate and it’s not cheating. I also look at porn and that’s not cheating either. Why? Because I’m open with Jane about these things and she understands that these activities are no threat to her. If I were to start sleeping around THAT would be a problem... though for some couples it is not.

The real issue here is trust. For whatever reason, she feels threatened by your masturbating and I’ll guess that has A LOT to do with the sneaky behavior which goes with it. She’s expressed concern (justified or not) and you have demonstrated a willful disregard for her feelings. Whether masturbation is normal or not, violation of trust is harmful.

Jane and I also went through a period in our relationship when we were not open about our masturbation. We were both doing it... we just kept it to ourselves and, I’ll admit, I was a little sneaky. Mostly because I felt there was shame in doing it. Since then we have become very open about masturbation and often share it with each other. This has helped take the shame out of it while also creating a comfortable zone to discuss it openly.

There has already been damage done in your relationship and repairing that will take some work. Your wife is old enough to understand masturbation is a normal thing... so explaining that part may not be necessary. She needs to understand that masturbation is a sexual preference of yours that has no direct connection to your desire for sex. If she is willing, and you are both comfortable with it, I suggest masturbating with her present or with her assistance (maybe she could play with your balls). This activity can strengthen your bond, create a safe space for dialog, and take the mystery out of your activities.

Be open with your wife; tell her how often you masturbate, show her the toy you bought to assist, when you approach her for sex and she declines ask her if she minds if you masturbate instead. And let her know her presence would be appreciated.

Regarding the porn thing... that could be a tougher sell. Many women feel threatened by most porn and so you might consider setting that aside as a compromise. Most women DO respond positively to the right kind of porn but the mainstream crap pumped out by the porn industry is mostly offensive. Try [flirtatiously] sending her a tasteful selection of erotica from our Hot Pics collection every once in a while. Warm her up to the idea of erotic imagery and she may begin to understand your desire for it. Again, I am going to say it... enjoy this sexual activity together with her, not in secret.

Good luck Ben, we wish you and your wife the very best!

(open for moderated reader comments)

Does Swallowing Semen Effect My Urine?

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 01:33:00 +0000

Question

Can swallowing semen affect a girls waste output? I had been noticing some pretty potent pee lately, but couldnt make a connection between any new foods or environmental concerns. Then I noticed a corelation between swallowing and the strong smell. A day after, bingo. Am I nuts? Signed, Swallowing

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Dr. Justine Marie Shuey
Profile | Website

Everything you put into your body has to come out at some point. As far as swallowing is concerned I've never heard it could have an effect on your urine but I know other foods like asparagus will make your urine smell different and not drinking enough fluids (dehydration) will also make your urine more potent. Any sort of foul smell that is not directly effected by your diet can be a sign of an infection, in this case most likely a urinary tract infection or UTI.

My advice for you is to make an appointment to see a doctor as soon as possible. If it is in fact a UTI as it sounds make sure you practice proper personal hygiene including but not limited to urinating immediately after intercourse, always wipe from front to back, washing the skin around and between the rectum and vagina daily. Washing before and after sexual intercourse may also decrease your risk of UTIs. Make sure your partner's genitals or sex toys are properly cleaned before and after sex as well. Drinking plenty of fluids can also help flush bacteria out of the urinary tract. Emptying your bladder as soon as you get the urge to urinate will also help decrease your risk of bladder or urinary tract. Do not wear tight fitting clothing around the genitals and you should wear panties with a cotton crotch that allows to absorb moisture. Other materials can trap moisture which creates an ideal environment for bacteria. While UTIs are common and can be painful, they are usually easy to treat once properly diagnosed so seeing a doctor as soon as possible is in your best interest as untreated UTIs can lead to more serious complications. It is possible that something else might be going on that's causing infection or irritation. You might consider switching to a more organic and natural lubricant, which will reduce friction and irritation. Also make sure you throughly clean any sex toys before and after use even those that are not used internally.

Other secretions (vaginal secretions, cum, etc) taste and smell the way they do because of health, habits, and diet. To make your secretions taste better cut alcohol, caffeine, recreational drugs and nicotine out of your lifestyle. Drink more water. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables but avoid certain veggies including cabbage, cauliflower, broccoli, and asparagus. They say vegetarians taste better for a reason. Also avoid red meat, dairy, milk, cheeses and heavy spices. Don't buy products that say they will make you taste better. They don't work. If you have followed these guidelines and follow proper hygiene you should go see a doctor as the foul smell could be a sign of an infection.

As far as swallowing is concerned: it is an exchange of bodily fluids which presents many risks. It is not necessary and is a personal decision. If you choose to swallow it's generally around a teaspoon or so of fluid and only about 6 calories. It's not high in protein or any of those other myths you have heard about swallowing a guy's cum. Some dude just made that up because he wanted more girls to suck his cock and swallow. If swallowing is not your thing or you are just doing it to please your partner here are some suggestions for you. Ask your partner to let you know when they are about to cum. Allow them to signal you beforehand with a pinch on the shoulder or some other non-verbal cue. Let your partner know you don't want to swallow. Use a flavored condom that way your partner can cum and there is no need to stop or swallow and there is less mess to clean up. If you don't want to stop you can simply allow fluid to seep out of your mouth slowly while your partner is cumming. It can get messy so you might want to keep a towel handy. You can also offer an alternative I won't swallow but... you can cum on my breasts/ass/etc.

Something else to think about: unprotected oral sex can lead to gonorrhea, chlamydia and other infections in the throat as well as things like HPV (Human papillomavirus) or Herpes which are transmitted via skin to skin contact. HPV in the throat has recently exceeded tobacco as the leading cause of throat cancer in the United States. Condoms and Dental Dams sound a whole lot sexier now don't they?

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

(open for moderated reader comments)

Self Conscious About My Vulva's Appearance

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 02:30:00 +0000

Question

This question simply comes from inexperience and lack of information. I have a new sex partner who is helping me open up and explore. Ive never really looked at my girly bits, but now that I'm brave enough to look at your sexy pics, I've wandered elsewhere and am now paranoid that my hoo-hoo looks like a pile of roast beef!! Ew!! Not nearly as sexy as what I'm seeing.

Is there any way to shape up the old girl?

- Old Lady Still Having Sex

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Dr. Antoinette Izzo D.H.S., M.A.
Profile

Dr. Justine Marie Shuey
Profile | Website

Cassie Wolfe LSW, MEd
Profile | Website

Ok, so first things first, your “girly bits, hoo-hoo, hoo-hah or Va-J-J,” or whatever slang du jour we’ve come up with, we are talking about your vulva; or more specifically your vagina! Yay VAGINA! And if we’re really being sticklers for labels, your inner and outer vaginal “lips” are called the labia minora and labia majora. I mention these for clarity; so that we’re all on the same page and know what is exactly being discussed. I also mention this in the event you decide to actively pursue any medical/surgical interventions (e.g. labiaplasty); in which case you likely wouldn’t be calling a doctor’s office asking “May I schedule a consultation to have my hoo-hoo inspected,” right?

Secondly, YAY for your bravery! Bodies and body parts are typically considered private and protected. There is often a lot of guilt, shame, and embarrassment attached to viewing naked bodies which are often deeply rooted in moral or religious beliefs instead of being viewed as necessary to understanding our body parts and how they function from a health perspective. So it can be super liberating to actually look! It can also be scary because what if your body doesn’t look like someone else’s body – especially if that other person’s body is being promoted as the “norm” or perhaps worse, the “ideal.”

Like any other body part, we are both similar and dissimilar to others. Some parts are longer, shorter, bigger, smaller, thicker, skinnier, taller, lighter, darker, etc. ALL are normal! ALL are unique and special! Back in the 70s, pubic hair was HOT in porn. Today, body hair is plucked, shaved, waxed or removed by electrolysis. What you’re seeing in the pictures and/or films does not represent the majority; only a small minority of people! And, aesthetics are in the “eye of the beholder”; if we never stop to appreciate ourselves in the here and now, the present quickly becomes the past.

I would also suggest checking out YouTube and searching for “Having Problem with Vagina.” It’s a fairly short clip that sheds light on the “designer vagina” phenomenon and explains how our insecurities go on to fund million dollar industries from plastic surgery to beauty products. It also discusses some helpful exercises to strengthen your pelvic muscles (i.e. urinating and then stopping mid-stream…starting…stopping…and so on)…but that ultimately will not change your appearance. So, you have to learn to love what you have and if you’ve found a partner who is game to explore and accepts you for you, rock on! Sounds like a keeper!

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

Forget your vulva, I'd like to talk about that nose of yours. According to last year's Cosmo covers, your nose is a little wide across the bridge and the tip is more bulb than button. You really should be self conscious about that... you're an oddball who needs corrective surgery.

That's rediculous, right? You know this because you see real noses every day and you have the perspective necessary to appreciate the unique cuteness of your own. You are judging your vulva based on an unrealistic standard because you don't know what every other lady's vulva looks like. The experts (above) have pointed you to some good resources to gain a more grounded self image, start peeking at real world hoo-hoo's and you'll get more comfortable with your own.

I'll venture to guess that a realistic self image is only half your concern though. As important as it is for you to see the beauty in yourself, it is also important (to you) for him to see the beauty in you too. Let me assure you that he doesn't need to visit any special websites for a primer in reality... he's probably seen far more real-world vulvas than you have! He's perfectly capable of appreciating your uniqueness and just really happy to be in your pants.

Beyond simple grooming and basic hygeine there is not really much to do, and I bet you do these things already. If you want to crank up the sexy a notch you could consider hair removal (shave or wax) on just the outer lips of your labia. It can be an arousal building exercise, makes sex feel a little different, and is irresistable to exploration by the male tongue. Long term maintenance can be a burden, but as an occasional thrill it can turn up the heat.

For reference, Jane finds the grooming process arousing (May 04), and her personal choice for best shaver is Body Bare.

Truthfully, I think all this focus on parts is a bit myopic. You are so much more than your sexy parts! Be self confident and flirtatious, laugh with him, place your foot in his lap beneath the restaurant table, and by the time he gets you home he'll be all over you. Don't sweat the small stuff, you are a perfectly normal sexual being and he'll love you for what he sees in your eyes, not for what he sees in your panties.

(open for moderated reader comments)

She Does Not Initiate and Shows No Desire

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 02:37:00 +0000

Question

My Wife and I have been married for 38 years, recently she had an affair. Although difficult at times, we have managed to remain together and continue to improve our relationship and marriage. The issue is I am the one whom always initated the sex, and even though she responds, I am quite frankly tired of it. From her, it would be nice to have caress, a touch, a thank you would be great. She says that she loves me, but has no passion or spark me and does not show it, she says there is nothing I have done. I have thought about counselling, but I am not sure were to start. - Art

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

(open for moderated reader comments)

Same Sex Attraction Is Marital Secret

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 03:50:00 +0000

Question

I am a man in a monogamous heterosexual marriage of more than a dozen years. My sexual interests have grown over time and I now find myself aroused by both men and women where I was previously only attracted to women. The idea of a romantic or emotionally intimate relationship with another man has no appeal to me, it is all about the hardware. I am curious.

My wife would be threatened by this if she knew (or a little freaked out) so I have kept it to myself. It's not a desire she could really satisfy, our marriage is not open, and it's not what she married into so it will remain both unspoken and unexplored.

How common is sexual fluidity (if that's what this is) for men in mid-life? Should I feel like I'm betraying her trust by not being open about my new curiosities?

- Brad

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Cassie Wolfe LSW, MEd
Profile | Website

Lanae StJohn
Profile | Website

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
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(open for moderated reader comments)

She Orgasms Too Quickly

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 03:48:00 +0000

Question

We have been married since we both were 20. One child, nice family. Since we hit our 40s, a new event is occurring. She cums too quickly, and after her orgasm, I feel that she is just patient with me until I do. She is an angel, and I love her. But should I match her tempo, or just use her as a sex doll. We are close, but this is something I know she would deny. We "date" frequently, but when shes done, shes done. - Kevin

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Dr. Justine Marie Shuey
Profile | Website

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

(open for moderated reader comments)

He Watches Porn and Lies About It

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sun, 14 Aug 2011 15:12:00 +0000

Question

So my bf watches porn ALOT. He doesn't watch it with me and he denies that he does it. He blocks it on the computer so he doesn't "lie" about it, but I know he does cu he has the videos downloaded. Sometimes i feel like he would rather watch porn than have sex with me. I do not have big boobs, he always complements me on my butt. He said he is a butt guy, not a boob guy however all of the porn videos he watches are "girls with big boobs" etc... The couple times we have watched it together, he made it out as a joke if that makes sense. HELP PLEASE!! - Kandi

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Cassie Wolfe LSW, MEd
Profile | Website

There’s a couple things to accept about men:

1. They’re visual creatures (pictures, movies, boobs – big or small, butts – flat or "ba-donk-a-donk"... get the blood flowing). When thinking about preferences, think about taste buds and how two people will never taste something the same way. And, even though your favorite slice of pizza may be pepperoni, that doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate a plain slice with extra cheese!

2. They masturbate... a LOT! And, they do it with or without having a partner because hey, it feels good. It’s possible that he associates porn with his masturbatory lifestyle, which is a solo act, and while watching porn with your partner can be hot, maybe it’s just not his shtick.

3. Porn is still considered "taboo" or "private". It was and still sometimes is, something to be hidden. He may feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, or just plain uncomfortable because of certain messages (religious, cultural, or otherwise) he may have received growing up about sexuality and who/what types of people watch porn (i.e. only perverts watch it). More specifically, there is this whole dichotomy between wanting the Madonna (someone pure and innocent)versus wanting the Whore (sexually experienced and promiscuous) and while it is 2011, your beau may hold onto previously ingrained ideas about women, women’s sexuality, and what it may mean for his girlfriend to enjoy watching porn, if you actually enjoy watching it.

4. Humor is a way to divert discomfort! Using humor is a way to lighten the mood, remove seriousness, and hide from whatever is causing the discomfort (and no, this is not male-specific)!

Also, there’s a couple things to know about porn: the overwhelming majority of the films are geared toward fulfilling men’s fantasies. With the exception of some specialties, the majority of female pornstars have tiny waists, big (typically fake) boobs, wear pounds of makeup, and are extremely thin. Society dictates that these are the traits that hetero men should be attracted to…so really, he’s watching what is widely available. While I’m generally pro-porn, I can’t help but acknowledge that it does set up some misconceptions about sex and sets up some rather unrealistic expectations. Not all women have 36FF boobs and similarly, not all men have 9’’ cocks!

I’m sorry to hear that you sometimes feel that he would rather watch porn than have sex with you. What I would challenge you to do is ask yourself if that is really true? Have there actually been times when you put the moves on him and he said "Sorry hon, I’d rather watch “Debbie Does Dallas” and rub one out solo." While men love to masturbate, the overwhelming majority of the men I’ve worked with say they’d much rather have someone to play with if given the choice. I’d also challenge you to ask yourself how you feel about your boyfriend being sexual without you and whether you’re feeling left out or "not enough" to satisfy him because of it.

As always, communication is key – so if you’re feeling left out, tell him. If you want to incorporate porn into your sex life, ask him what he thinks about it... and if you’re feeling like you don’t match the women he watches in porn, you’re right! And you never will be... their image is created to look a certain way. Appreciate that he appreciates your bangin’ butt and strut girlfriend!

Dr. Adam Sheck
Profile | Website

Dr. Antoinette Izzo D.H.S., M.A.
Profile

In order to best address the issue at hand, you’ve got to be clear about the “so what?” You’ve told us about what he does (or what you think or assume) he does, but except for “Sometimes I feel like he would rather watch porn than have sex with me,” it’s not clear what your actual concern is. I’ll do my best to read between the lines, but it’s definitely something for you to give some thought to.

Some people choose not to watch porn at all, some people watch porn A LOT, and everyone else fits in somewhere along the spectrum. Porn can be a healthy and fulfilling part of what gets us going sexually, so it’s important to keep in mind that watching porn is a personal choice that doesn’t merit admonishment in its own right. What about him watching porn is a problem for you? Is it the amount of porn that is setting you off? Is it the type of porn that really ruffles your feathers? My guess is that neither of these is the real issue here. Ask yourself this question: If all of your needs in the relationship were being met, would you still have a problem with him watching porn? If your answer is “no,” then your concern is really about not having your needs met in the relationships (i.e. honesty, open communication, quality time together, fulfilling sex, etc.); if your answer is “yes,” then I suggest you take a closer look at what’s going on inside of you that’s making you insecure about his behaviors. If there are things that you’re wanting (either sexually or in the relationship in general), talking to him honestly and candidly (about you, not him) will help you both to get on the same page.

The truth is, I’m sensing trust and communication issues here, and that’s never good news for building intimacy with someone you care about. You’re checking his computer files to validate your own assumptions, and he’s denying everything and blocking the computer to save face. Instead of continuing this vicious cycle, try something different; something “outside the box” (no pun intended)! First, accept (and believe!) his compliments about your butt, even if he’s watching “big boob” porn! Porn is a fantasy outlet, just like the daydreams you have about the hot guy you pass on the street or the hunky hero in your romance novel; the best part about fantasy is that you get to enjoy it and keep your boyfriend! Second, be supportive of him instead of accusatory, while simultaneously expressing and maintaining boundaries about honesty. Third, if you’re watching porn together and he makes a joke, laugh with him! And finally, try finding some porn that works for you and letting him on it!

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

You are describing growing pains and you will both get past them. Maybe together, maybe apart, but eventually you will both grow beyond this stuff. And let me be clear, the issue you describe here is not PORN... it is TRUST, the very foundation of lasting relationships.

He has violated your trust with dishonesty about his porn watching activity. You have violated his trust by spying on him via his hard drive. You BOTH need some advice on this one...

Advice for you:

Communicate your expectations clearly:

You have an expectation of open disclosure and total honesty... we all do in committed relationships. Make it clear that you expect him to be a stand-up guy because sneaky behavior is a big turn off and devalues him as a long term partner.

Regarding the porn, let him know in very clear terms what you are okay with. You have probably done this to a large degree already but do it again, have a quiet an rational conversation about porn and be willing to meet him in the middle. How much porn consumption by him are you comfortable with (if at all)? What types of porn are off limits? Does it bother you when he watches it without you? Once you come to an agreement on boundaries you should expect him to honor that.

Stop spying:

Curiosity often gets the better of us. Your search of his computer for incriminating evidence does not serve either of you well; it can uncover things that upset you, it erodes his trust in you, and will likely entrench his covert behaviors. The best way to keep tabs on him is to be open and non-judgmental. Once he is comfortable that he can share anything with you (as it should be, right?) then the secrets will disappear along with your need to spy.

Rein in your imagination:

He does not watch porn with you and he says he doesn't watch porn. You say he watches porn a lot... how do you know this? The presence of some porn files on his computer does not mean he watches a lot of porn. Granted, they are available, but your statement implies knowledge of viewing frequency. Stick to what you know and try not to let the emotional aspects of all this cloud your judgement.

Recognize your worth:

Do not objectify yourself, you are so much more than a pair of tits and an ass! He knows this... and he would be hard pressed to find anyone to fill your shoes. So what if he likes to look at big boobs? To whom does he take his horny self when he's done watching? An active fantasy life is not a bad thing. You are setting yourself up for a life of misery if you constantly compare yourself to everything his eyes see. He loves YOU... and if big tits are what he really wants he will find someone else and you'll be better off. You do not have movie star good looks, you are not rich, and your breasts do not dispense beer. Get over it. You have a lot going for you and your self confidence is sexier than any over-sized rack of melons he downloads.

Give full credit for all sincerity:

When he compliments you he means it, do not devalue his feelings for you. If he says you have a nice ass then respond with flirtatious appreciation not expressions of self doubt or a challenge to his sincerity. Part of your difficulty here is lack of trust... once he regains your trust you will find it easier to fully accept his affirmations.

Advice for him:

Moderation:

Porn watching is ok; we're dudes, we watch, I understand. Porn is the reason Al Gore invented the Internet after all. But just like anything else in life, moderation is key. Keep tabs on yourself and look for warning signs, one giant red flag for problems with self control is secrecy.

Openness:

Own up to what you do, if you can't then maybe you shouldn't be doing it. If you feel your secrecy is justified and driven by unwarranted judgement then perhaps you've surrounded yourself with the wrong people. Weigh what you'd lose by moving on with what you might gain. Note that being realistic is critical here, grass-is-greener mentality traps fools every day.

Respect her wishes:

Respecting her wishes is not the same as "do what she says". For any issue that polarizes the two of you come to an agreement on what is acceptable for each of you... and then honor that agreement. If you don't like the terms then renegotiate. If you can't agree or are incapable of respecting her wishes then you are a bad investment of her time.

Affirm her:

Kandi has some insecurities, she will work through these and it is important for you to be patient and respectful while she does. In the meantime... do not coddle her when she's self critical with comforting reassurance, this only affirms unhealthy behavior. Instead, elevate her whenever possible with positive affirmation. Boost her self esteem when she's already up, it gets the most traction that way.

For both of you:
Be honest.
Work with each other.
Be forgiving of mistakes but don't let yourself get walked on.
Help each other explore fantasy without judgment or self doubt.

(open for moderated reader comments)

I Can't Give Her an Orgasm!

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 05:10:00 +0000

Question

My chinese, wife of 55 years of age, has trouble getting off except by her own fingers, my oral feels good but nothing. Vibrators, nothing! They feel good but no climax, can you think of anything to help? We spend lots of time in foreplay, kissing and sucking here and there. After she has climaxed she loves me in her which is great but I feel let down that I cant get her to climax. - Steve

(We asked Steve some follow-up questions: Did your wife have any lovers before you? If so, did she experience a similar sexual response in those relationships?)

She had one lover before me and a husband before that and she said she has always done it her self. She has said that no one has ever been able to get the right spot but her. - Steve

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

The fact that your wife has had a consistent sexual response with multiple partners is a strong indicator that you are not your own problem, that's good.

I completely understand your desire to be the party responsible for your wife's climax, it is the best kind of feedback; you are desireable, giving, and it elevates your sense of self importance. I get it, I really do... and I think you need to let go of it.

No Goals: Your goal oriented approach may be one of the issues at play. I'm sure she's aware of your desire to take control of her climax, this could easily translate into pressure for her to perform which can be an orgasm killer. Every goal is a potential point of failure, goals may be good in sports and for careers but they don't work well in the bedroom. Make foreplay and sex about mutual pleasure and lose the orgasm goal... the freedom that this grants her will be beneficial to both of you.

Self Credit: Give yourself credit for contributing to her arousal, for being present in her most erotic and intimate moments, and for getting her near the edge even if you are not the one to push her over. You are valued and she appreciates these things even when you are focused on what you think you didn't do for her.

Now let's talk about your wife because she will play a larger role working toward bettering her own sexual response than you will.

Her Baseline: I don't know your wife so all I can do is speculate... but I'm going to guess she started masturbating as a teenager. In 1970, Chinese cultural mores likley bore shame for young girls who pleasured themselves and sex was reserved for marriage. She trained her body early to respond to her hands and her first husband (who was not as attentive or giving as you) failed to nurture her sexual development, perpetuating her reliance on a familiar technique. How am I doing so far?

Re-Training: She has spent 40+ years fine tuning a response to her own hands and if she shares your desire to climax from different stimuli then she needs to train herself to do so. And she needs to do that without you around. Enable her self exploration with some toys and encourage her to be both patient and persistent with herself.

Vibrator: You said she has not had any luck with vibrators but I'm convinced that's because she has not found the right vibrator. Invest in an Eroscillator, it costs about as much as one good date and is a master of women's pleasure. Its profile is also slender enough that it can be used during sex.

Dildo: Get a realistic feeling dildo, maybe one with a suction cup base. When she masturbates, having it inserted vaginally will help her body associate the feeling of fullness with her orgasmic response. No, your dick does not make a good substitute here... because you and your expectations are attached to it.

Position: When having sex, position can be very important for her... angle of penetration and control of thrusting can help her guide herself to orgasm. Jane recommends Cowgirl (you on your back, your wife sitting astride your hips facing you) which meets these criteria and also permit her access to her clitoris with fingers or a vibrator.

As for you Steve, while she's busy focused on self improvement you could be too (it can't hurt).

Empathy: To better grasp what she feels (physically) and appreciate her challenge it is helpful to understand that, although male and female genitals are shaped differently, the nerve pathways are quite similar in us. Can YOU have an orgasm by holding a vibrator on the glans of your penis (similar to her clitorus)? How about from prostate stimulation alone (similar to her G-Spot)? You could train yourself to become more responsive in these ways... which is what you will be expecting her to do. The empathy you gain from such excercise will make you a better lover.

Intimacy: Learn some massage techniques together. It doesn't have to be comprehensive, expert, whole body massage to feel good... start simple. The intimate connection this creates has the capability of elevating your sexual satisfaction with each other. Then crank up the heat with genital massage. Be mindful, however, that you are working on foundation not climax.

Technique: There is mountains of printed and online self-help information for better sex techniques, overwhelming volumes of it, much of it total crap. Focus on just one thing (like oral sex) and become an expert at it. Research good oral sex techniques (try this very good book) and practice. Find a location and/or position in which you are each comfortable and your neck is not strained. Establish a timeframe up front and assure her that her orgasm is not the goal (i.e. "I'm going to do this for 30 minutes because I need the practice and I really like doing it").

Communication: Be open and very forward about your own needs. When she does something that elevates your mood, turns you on, or feels incredible tell her in very clear terms what it is/was. Negative feedback (i.e. "that doesn't really do anything for me") can be very productive as well as long as it is kind and/or constructive. By demonstrating this level of specific communication you establish a safe space for her to do the same. Her ability to communicate her desires and physical triggers in explicitly clear terms will be crucial to your acheiving the better sex you're hoping for.

We wish the two of you the best of luck improving your sexual exchanges, please come back periodically to let us know how you are doing. One of these days Steve, she just might surprise you!

(open for moderated reader comments)

Product Question, Site Feedback

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 03:49:00 +0000

Question

Eee gads! You can't just leave a girl hangin' like this!!!

This concerns the post about the Liberator pillow... the link described as "this position", which was so OMG it gave Jane 5 orgasms, is BROKEN!!!

PLEASE!!! Either name the position so I can figure it out on my own, or fix the link! I am dying to know!!!

I want to tell ya'll how you've changed my life.

I have been divorced for 7 years, and only masturbated during that time. I have a married male friend who turned me on to your site several months ago, and I have been enjoying myself with it ever since.

A couple of months ago, I got back in touch with an old boyfriend from college, and we have been dating since then. We're in our mid-50's and both are more than 60lbs overweight (although we're now on serious self-improvement programs!) so rediscovering sex has had some limitations (my bad knees from my rugby days, his down-ward pointing dick, both of us have big bellies which are getting in the way of things). He was always afraid to express himself sexually, and I'm a bit of a nympho, so I wasn't sure if this was going to be a match made in heaven.

One morning after some good but fairly vanilla sex, I pulled out the laptop and showed him your site. First, he had to recover. He'd never watched or read sexually-oriented material or porn, and certainly never had a woman open a sex discussion. We talked about the fact that ya'll are a married couple who clearly enjoys the wilder side of sex. For some reason, that seems to have broken the "you're either a good girl or a bad girl" stranglehold on his brain, and in the past month, he has bloomed! Before, all his verbalizing was either fairly nonexistent, excessively flowery and romance novel-esque, or clinical. Don't laugh, but last week, for the first time ever (even when we were dating in college), he said the word "fuck"! We were doing missionary, getting pretty hot, and suddenly, he said, "Flip over, I want to fuck you from behind!" OMG!!! It's a miracle!!!! A couple of nights later, we were having phone sex and he said, "I want to fuck your tits" !!!!!!!! I almost passed out with joy!!!!

Our first purchase is going to be the Liberator. We hope it will help with some of the physical limitations we're experiencing. Even though I love me some sex, I've never been one for toys, so even bringing a pillow into the bedroom is a bit strange feeling.

I really appreciate what you're doing. Keep up the good work!

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

(open for moderated reader comments)

Introducing Receptive Anal Sex for Men

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 03:36:00 +0000

Question

First off, your blog is unbelievably sexy! I find it so sexy that y'all play with strap-ons. I would love to put one one my girl and have her fuck me (I've played by myself with eggs and LOVED it). How did you get he to do it? My girl is very inexperienced sexually and I've just introduced her to the magic of toys.

Thank you!

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

Hello Ricky – Thank you so much for your kind words about our website, positive feedback never gets old! ;o)

Your ability to receive unhindered, and sex-life changing, anal stimulation is entirely dependent on your partner and your relationship with her. You can’t force anything on her, she might just end up resenting you for it, or worse, passing judgment on you as some sort of sexual deviant (as if that’s a bad thing). I recommend baby steps... and including her at every step.

The worst mistake you could make is to explore a new sexual fantasy in her absence, fall in love with it, and then spring it on her out of nowhere... already experienced and rearing to go (pun intended). She needs to be in the loop, at least with knowledge of your desires, from the start. Exploring together is fun... being left behind and the trying to catch up is not.

Receptive anal sex, even with a dildo, is generally associated with homosexuality. Our culture assumes that only men who like other men have pleasure centers buried in their pelvic region, as if orientation has something to do with nerve transmission. This may be your first hurdle with her and will require communication and maybe some mutually pursued self education. Jane and I were both listening to the Sex Is Fun podcast (first 100 episodes) when I shed my own aversion to anal play for myself. There has been other sources of information and inspiration since, but it was a good place to start. It helped Jane and I both get past some of the stigmas associated with anal play for men.

I’m a firm believer that male anatomy (not female) was the evolutionary driver for the sensitive pelvic tissue which forms the prostate in men and G-Spot in women. It is common anatomy we share... and if she can understand her own response to G-Spot stimulation she can understand yours. Even better for her... once you explore prostate play it will better enable you to understand HER sexual response! Tell her that... it’s not smoke, it’s true.

It sounds like you have already started exploring on your own, I hope she has [at least] been aware of your interest. If not, broach that topic soon. I feel it is important to explore your own pleasure before asking a partner to pleasure you, you may want to read this blog entry on the topic. Once she understands that it is a real interest of yours, and that you are attaining pleasure from it, her interest in participating may grow. Allow her to witness your pleasure, participate in it, contribute with some prostate massage, and before you know it you’ll be shopping for a harness together.

Take it slow Ricky, be patient with her... you may be asking her to change some fundamental misconceptions about male sexuality. Your nurturing of her through your own sexual exploration and development will yield great rewards; sexually for you (obviously), and for your relationship as well.

Best of luck Ricky! Be sure to come back and keep us appraised of your progress.

(open for moderated reader comments)

Mismatched Desire in Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Fri, 13 May 2011 04:48:00 +0000

Question

Hi Dick and Jane -
I love your blog on tumblr and your written blog here. I am the WIFE on arousingpassion, I am not sure if you are familiar with our blog.

I wanted to see if you two have always had the "same" healthy sex life and attitude to sex? I love my husband dearly but lately we are having a few issues whereby we seem to be a little off base with our desire for sex. He would love it everyday, which in theory I would love also, I seem to let everyday issues come between this though.

Any ideas, thoughts or suggestions? many many thanks in advance!

- MJ of ArousingPassion

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

Hello MJ – I am fully aware of your blog, arousingpassion, and have been following you for some time. It appears we’ve both been posting on Tumblr for about the same amount of time and that our growing archives are quite similar! I am so glad you contacted us through our website, it is nice to hear from fellow monogamous sex bloggers... it seems we are too rare.

Jane and I also started our blog as part of an effort to keep the home fires burning. We find it is a good outlet to explore each other’s boundaries, creates a space for dialog and feedback, and spawns interaction with others of like mind. :o)

You may have read on our website that we’ve been married for a while, it will be 17 years this summer. We’ve been through ups and downs and have been grappling with out-of-sync libidos since long before you were married. Hopefully, what I share with you here will be useful... but before I go any further it is important for you to know that relationships (and sexual relationships especially) ebb and flow as life and situations change. It would be unrealistic to assume that the sex you had in the first three years of marriage will continue unchanged. Change is normal. It would also be unrealistic to assume that the sex you had in your first three years of marriage will be the best sex you ever have... sexual satisfaction does not diminish linearly with time, it often improves. Though the frequency definitely changes.

If I understand your question correctly, yours and your husband’s libidos do not have the same rhythm... he has the faster ticking desire for sex and you are left trying to keep up. Often this results in disappointment for him which undermines the foundation of your intimate connection. Am I on the right track?

Your email went “bling” on my iPhone (bedside) and interrupted a very emotional disagreement between Jane and I on this very topic, the timing was amazing. Yes, we have these struggles too. She is the lower libido partner and I am the one who often feels left in the cold. Our blog covers some of this, if you are interested, try reading posts with the Libido tag, especially Hide and Go Seek Libido.

I’ll be stating the obvious here when I say that your husband wants more than simple sexual release. True, the physical pleasure of ejaculation and resulting hormone rush are appealing... but he would never get the same satisfaction from a diet of masturbation alone than he would get from sex with you. As men we are conditioned to present our needs for validation, emotional connection, and self empowerment through sexual exchange. Your involvement in his sexual satisfaction; your cries of pleasure, your lust for his cock in your every orifice, is a feedback loop that feeds his ego and strokes his sense of self worth.

More than anything, men like your husband and I desire to be desired. We want to be wanted. When your libido goes on hiatus we don’t understand (because our bodies are composed of 90% water, 5% proteins, and 50% sex hormones ;o) and your lack of desire seems like a lack of interest in us.

I’m willing to bet that when your desire for sex is low you hold back on simple acts of affection to avoid them being interpreted as sexual initiation. To avoid turning him on (and then having to wave him off) you simply keep your hands and lips to yourself. Am I right? If so, this works against you. You and he need to come to some agreement that frees you to express affection without his expectation that it will lead to something sexual. This is important for him... it will allow you to properly express your love for him, to keep him feeling desirable, even when you do not desire sex. Keep the physical contact going, initiate it often and be generous with your affection.

Make it sexual sometimes, even when you don’t want to fully participate in sex. It is possible to hotwire a man’s sexual feedback loop and give him much of the same satisfaction sex does without ever parting your legs. I’m assuming you and he are open about your masturbation... if not, you should be. Assist him when he needs relief and you need to be released (you initiate this!). Play with his balls, put an arm on his chest, let him grab your boob(s), kiss him and/or whisper hotness in his ear... all while he takes matters into his own hand.

This will; provide him with sexual release, keep you in the loop, help him feel desirable and cared for, make you present when the cuddle-hormone Oxytocin floods his veins, and gives you credit for engaging his sexual needs. This should never be considered as a replacement for sex, but as an occasional substitute it rocks! It is all about him... he does not need to perform or worry about the timing of his orgasm, and unlike participating in a receptive act (like a blow job) he doesn’t feel pressure to climax before you wear out.

It is win, win, win.

Should you choose to participate more fully by offering something like a hand job or blow job, be the initiator... don’t make him ask. You know when he’s horny, all the time right? The only reason he isn’t constantly at your feet begging for a good fucking is pride. He hates rejection and so he often won’t approach. Don’t make him. Your initiative GOES A LONG WAY! And don’t ask him what he wants either... make him feel like you are taking the thing from him you desire. He may redirect you but your initiative will make it seem desire driven.

You may find that this sort of activity actually kick starts your own libido. Jane falls into the same camp as many women who are classified as having “responsive desire”, meaning that her desire for sex is not spontaneous (like most men’s) but grows in response to sexual stimuli. We first read about this characterization on Emily Nagosky’s blog (see Do You Know When You Want It), it helped Jane realize that her sexual response was present and very normal despite cultural influences that suggest men and women should have similar patterns of desire.

Emily’s blog is really good and she has one post in particular that focuses on the same topic as this email, though her approach is quite different (Differential Desire). You should keep in mind that my opinion and strategies are those of a sexually needy man with more sperm than restraint... and Emily only has a PhD in Human Sexuality. So... take that into consideration. ;o)

I feel like I’m rambling a bit... turns out I have a lot to say on this topic as it is close to my heart. What I’ve laid out here is a simple suggestion to bridge the gap which can develop between out of sync partners, but it is no silver bullet. I’m sure you will find other ways to cope that work very well for you... but I feel strongly that the key element in approaching a solution is working together. Sexual pleasure is a mutual endeavor... as are sexual problems and solutions.

We wish you the very best, thanks for taking the time to contact us and let us know how it goes!

(open for moderated reader comments)

Coconut Oil and Latex Condoms

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 02:18:00 +0000

Question

Hi Dick and Jane,

My fiance and I just bought some coconut oil at the store today to try in the bedroom. Just wondering, can it be used with latex condoms? I am assuming not since you can't use other oil based lubes with latex, but I've been reading some mixed reports on the net. Perhaps I will have to go and buy some polyurethane condoms too. Thanks in advance.

Cheers, Martin

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

Have fun experimenting!!

(open for moderated reader comments)

Oral Sex Aversion

noreply@blogger.com (Dick) — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 02:25:00 +0000

Question

Dear Dick and Jane,

My husband and have the most amazing sex almost everyday. It's fun, it's passionate, and because of your website it has gotten to be more erotic. But when it comes to oral pleasure, my husband backs out 'cause of a past experience.

Do you have any advice for me so i can help him get rid of his phobia?

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

Hello Samantha – thank you for the kind words about our site and we are thrilled it has contributed in a positive way to yours and your husbands sex lives! This question of yours has really got my wheels turning and I think I have more to say on this topic than a simple email will cover. Maybe I’ll have to develop this a little and turn it into a blog entry. :o)

Without knowing what your husband’s prior experience was it is difficult to advise, but I’m guessing one or more of the following topics might cover it.

Squeamish About Bodily Fluids
When giving blowjobs, women generally spit, swallow, or finish with a hand and aim the sperm barrel elsewhere. No matter how it is done, time spent exposed to, or playing with, his fluids is relatively short. For men performing oral sex on a woman it is a more protracted commitment to body fluids and requires he get past any irrational fears. The best cunnilingus is done with lustful abandon, includes every fold and crevice, and is cheek deep and messy. A timid approach is less than desirable for her (am I right?).

If this is his hang-up, give him a napkin. No one would expect him to eat a deliciously messy hamburger without the occasional clean up, would they. Bring a warm, wet washcloth into bed and tell him he can use it on you, his face, he can spit into it, whatever... but he needs to know he can do this without offending you in any way. It will be a crutch he’ll quickly learn he doesn’t need.

Personal Hygiene or Odor
Some people don’t like hair in their food. As much as I love to eat Jane’s pussy, a fresh shave (just the Labia is enough) is icing on the cake. Shave or wax, step out of a hot shower, and serve him a deliciously clean experience. Eventually you’ll be able to take some shortcuts here, but the goal is to get him loving it and get him hooked. Odor should not be an issue, but if it is this may indicate a health issue for you. Assure him you will see your doctor for both your sake.

Performance Anxiety
Goal oriented activities can be a killer. Tell him you do not expect to orgasm from cunnilingus, you just want to enjoy it as foreplay. DO tell him that he should spent at least X minutes doing it though, so he’s not in a rush to move onto other things. Suggest he alternate between oral attention and fingers on your G-Spot. And give him lots of feedback... NOT just positive feedback though. Work in some gentle correction or tips so that he know when he hears “OH MY GOD!!” you really mean it. Suggest a book for him but do not buy it for him, he needs to do that for himself.

Good luck Samantha! It was great to hear from you, please come back to Dick-n-Jane.com to let us know how things work out.

(open for moderated reader comments)