Die In A Fire

Rush Limbaugh: Making Logic his Bitch, One Fallacy at a Time

2011-02-22T11:02:00.000-05:00

It's just a damn shame when a woman let's herself go this way... So Rush Limbaugh thinks Michelle Obama is fat, which raises the question - what forty-something mothers-of-two is he using as his baseline? We wish we were that fat. But given that she's a whale, Rush Limbaugh has concluded that Michelle Obama is a hypocrite for advancing her anti-obesity/healthy kids initiative. How can an obese

Prince: Gett Off or Get off

2011-02-08T07:58:00.003-05:00

Reminds me of something James used to say... Listen up, y'all. If Prince invites you up on stage to dance with him during one of his concerts than you had best shake your ass for His Purpleness. Otherwise, this is liable to go down: No, you're not having a seizure that is, in fact, Kim Kardashian at the 1:00 mark. And that is Prince waving her away with a dismissive, "get off the stage" at

Musings on the Super Bowl

2011-02-06T22:28:00.000-05:00

Brought to you by Cialis Christina Aguilera muffed the National Anthem, which just goes to show what happens when people make her sing with clothes on. Sitting outside the the stadium watching the Super Bowl on a big TV is like walking your date to her front door and then making love to her mailbox. A car that provides automatic Facebook updates makes us yearn for a car that tweets the

SNL: The Betty Ford Clinic of Celebrity Images

2011-01-30T21:47:00.000-05:00

Can I go? Do they like me now? Yeah, okay, we get it. If a famous person with a bad reputation appears on Saturday Night Live, it means they're actually cool and have a sense of humor about themselves. Message received. As if showing up for an unscheduled, "surprise" drop-in and standing around awkwardly while the cast spends three minutes gently teasing them for their bad behavior will make

Rep. Paul Broun Locks Himself in His Room

2011-01-26T15:54:00.000-05:00

I love it when they call me Big Baby! Put Your hands in the air if you are laisez-faire! We've tried to swear off writing about politics since the mid-terms, but knew that eventually something would drag us back in. Surprisingly it came in the form of a tweet from Rep. Paul Broun of Georgia. Broun, who found the idea of sitting alongside Democrats at the State of the Union too "kissy-kissy" for

Melanie Spanopoulos: Love in the Age of Facebook

2011-01-26T09:32:00.007-05:00

Don't not "friend" Melanie Spanopoulos. Apparently this digital age Amy Fisher takes her Facebook seriously. Ever had one of those awkward "why haven't you accepted my friend request" conversations? The ones where you say you just don't check Facebook that often but actually you've consigned the person to Friend Limbo (Frimbo)? Ever had your cousin run you down with her van (twice) because she

Movie Cliché du Jour: The Last Big Score

2011-01-24T10:11:00.001-05:00

No, not that kind of Score... well, okay, maybe. If there is an exhausted, worn out movie trope that needs to be retired from the screenwriters' big book of clichés it is the exhausted, worn out criminal looking to retire. Could it be that Hollywood has a dirty conscience? Do the aging executives and agents who greenlight movies have a weak spot for world weary criminals looking for a new life?

Toddlers & Tiaras... Who'll Save the Wee Children?

2011-01-13T21:44:00.002-05:00

Where is her song, Sarah Mclaclan? Who indeed, Groundskeeper Willie? Here's the thing... apparently, TLC has a reality series called Toddlers & Tiaras. Apparently, it just started its fifth season. And apparently we live under a rock because we just found out it exists. So apologies if we're recycling old news here, but it's a lot to take in all at once and we need to process. It's not

Terry Allen Lester Should Die In a Fire

2011-01-09T14:20:00.005-05:00

Oscar winning opportunity for Danny McBride. Admittedly, we've gotten a slow start to the New Year here at DIAF. The new year's party got a wee bit out o' hand. It took Jessica, our relentlessly upbeat intern from Cankdeska Cikana Community College, all of New Year's Day just to sort the mannequins from the revelers in Xanax induced comas. Also, the impromptu game of Predator Drone played with

Tucker "I'm a Christian, But" Carlson

2010-12-29T13:18:00.007-05:00

Praise Jesus* Ladies and Gentlemen, A Christmas Time message from Tucker Carlson: "I'm a Christian, I've made mistakes myself, I believe fervently in second chances," Carlson said. "But Michael Vick killed dogs, and he did in a heartless and cruel way. And I think, personally, he should've been executed for that. He wasn't, but the idea that the President of the United States would be getting

Movie Cliché du Jour: The Sneaky Neck Snap

2010-12-22T13:38:00.004-05:00

"Don't kill me!" "Shh... pretend I'm Angelina." "Oh Hawt..." Look we like a good neck snapping as much as the next testosterone addled X-Games fan but shit is getting out of hand. You know the move we're talking about... lethal bowflex-bodied, killing machine steals up behind unsuspecting rent-a-thug and with one Fossesque flourish breaks his neck. Rent-a-thug falls to the ground deader

Carine Roitfeld: Fashion Goddess

2010-12-20T14:24:00.005-05:00

No, not Iggy Pop's sister. Ever wonder why women's fashion seems to hate women? Parading impossibly skinny models with unobtainable, unhealthy bodies before a female populace who has neither the time nor the genetics to look like a twelve year old boy. Mucking up women's self-esteem so they can push lines of clothes, low rider jeans for example, that look good on about 2% of women and gives the

The Good Old Days Can Die in a Fire

2010-12-14T09:08:00.002-05:00

Holy shit are we White!!! Free Puppies!!! It begins with a wistful and nostalgic nod to a "simpler time." A time that was somehow more honest and wholesome than today. Somewhere in the middle the talk turns to taking back the country, which leads inevitably to the big finish wherein the nation's honor needs to be restored. Next thing you know you're an extra in Birth of a Nation, making

Freakonomics Guys Drop Some Science

2010-12-13T08:45:00.001-05:00

Yeah, Yeah... quit rubbing it in. Look Freakonomics guys, lay off. We're doing the best we can. We're underfunded, understaffed and our intern is a relentlessly upbeat Cankdeska Cikana Community College sophomore who won't quit it with the North Dakota fun facts. Like did you know North Dakota grows more sunflowers than any other state? Do you know how hard it is to work with that kind of

Bristol Palin and the Old Canard

2010-12-07T07:54:00.003-05:00

What's another way to say aged duck? So a few words on Ghostwriting. Ghostwriting is the art of writing a speech or book or whatnot so that it sounds like your employer. The greatest compliment you can pay to a ghostwriter is, "that didn't sound like you at all." So whether you're polishing one of Bill Clinton's speeches or Keith Richard's autobiography, all the audience hears is the seamless

Rowan Somerville's Dark and Stormy Sex Scene

2010-12-06T05:42:00.002-05:00

Hubba, Hubba Old Boy The Literary Review awarded its annual Bad Sex in Fiction award to Rowan Somerville for his novel The Shape of Her. "There's nothing more English than bad sex, so on behalf of a nation, I thank you," said Somerville at the award ceremony. In their minds, the following passage exemplifies why they chose his work: The wet friction of her, tight around him, the sight of her

Darren Aronofsky and the Great Brunette Obsession

2010-12-05T15:44:00.001-05:00

We're not saying that Darren Aronofsky has a type, but it wouldn't kill Juliette Lewis and Shannen Doherty to update their resumes. Someone has to star opposite Hugh Jackman in The Wolverine and clearly it ain't gonna be Gwyneth Paltrow or Cameron Diaz. Requiem for a Dream The Fountain Black Swan Black Swan The Wrestler Black Swan

Eugene Delgaudio: No Touchy TSA

2010-12-02T09:31:00.002-05:00

Did someone say enhanced pat-down? This twit here is afraid that "the next TSA official that gives you an enhanced pat-down could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission." Eugene Delgaudio made his fears known in an email to the members of the conservative, non-profit Public Advocate of the United States. Apparently, he believes that the TSA's

Mel Gibson's Revenge

2010-12-01T18:43:00.003-05:00

Oy, are you talking to me, Mate? This may not be a revelation to anyone, but Mel Gibson has been acting a wee bit twitchy lately. It came as a surprise to us because once upon a time Gibson's public persona was that of a charismatic, down to earth family guy. So when he went all antisemitic, abusive psycho on us it took a while to reconcile. Then we started wondering if we'd missed something.

Tea Bagging America until the Money Shot

2010-11-29T06:41:00.002-05:00

Judging by his expression, we'd guess Teabaggee. When did the porn industry become media trendsetters? Entering Borders on Friday afternoon, the cover of Dana Milbank's Tears of a Clown greeted shoppers on the new release shelf. Glenn Beck's scowling mug graced the cover, but it was the subtitle: Glenn Beck and the Tea Bagging of America that really caught the eye. It wasn't the first time we'd

Vote Palin: This isn't the Reality TV Envisioned in the Constitution

2010-11-24T16:14:00.001-05:00

Democracy Gives Me WINGS!!! Last time we checked, the U.S. sponsored four different types of elections: state, county, city or district. That's it. Reality TV? Not a category. So no, voting for Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars doesn't qualify as participating in the democratic process, you incredible nincompoops. We're looking at you, Ken Flaa, 54, of Mullica Hill, N.J. who said in an AP

Thanks to Byran Fischer We're all Gonna Die in a Fire

2010-11-22T21:24:00.004-05:00

What's the broad doin' on my medal? For twenty-four terrifying hours, fire departments across the country were rocked by the mass resignation of firefighters. Firehouses, dangerously understaffed, were unable to respond to alarms and fires raged out of control. The cause of the walkout was Byran Fischer, "Director of Issue Analysis" at the American Family Association. Usually, Fischer gets his

Roy Sekoff: A Face Made for the Internet

2010-11-19T09:52:00.002-05:00

Yoohoo, Christopher Nolan... Seriously, who let this walking Batman villain on television? We're sure the Joker needs a day job too, but cable television pundit? Sorry but this guy creeps us out. Trying hard to imagine any scenario where his grinning melon wouldn't make the hairs on our necks go all upward facing dog. If your car broke down, and this guy got out of the tow truck, you're honestly

Roger Ailes: Nazi Hunter

2010-11-18T16:41:00.002-05:00

NPR Nazis, I hate these guys. Apparently, Simon Wiesenthal and the Jewish Document Center had it wrong. For years, the prevailing theory was that Nazis either adopted new identities in the chaotic aftermath of WWII or else fled to safe havens in South America where they adopted creepy English accents and tortured American method actors. That's where Nazi Hunters devoted their energy as they

Bill Clinton Wants to Give You a Hangover

2010-11-16T08:12:00.001-05:00

Call Me, Judd Apatow... Ringy Dingy. So you're Bill Clinton (we'll give you a second to get into character). Are you feeling randy and neglected? Okay, here's the state of the union: you've been out of office for over a decade. There's just not a lot going on. You saved those girls from North Korea, and that was pretty boss. It's only a matter of time until the Democrats ask you to save the