I know it will be hard.  I know that times are hard, but I'm confident that I'll find something.  I just need a shot.  I'm going to write this despite the fact that I know it'll make me sound pretentious: I just need an opportunity to showcase myself.  Everything I've done I've been successful at.  I am meant to be a teacher. I know it.

I hope I can find a place that I mesh well with.

It wouldn't be my blog if I didn't have a Radiohead lyric: "...a jigsaw falling into pieces."  It's almost feeling like this one's very relevant.

Just finished reading a bunch of books, too.  I'd like to talk about them.  Maybe I'll try to resurrect my book club.  I know there's at least a couple people who'd be interested.  I've got interest... now I need reliability.

It was a good book... a really good book.

Although, I have to admit, it was not at all what I expected it to be.  Well, it may be what I expected, but somehow, it became much more.  I related to the book.  I connected with it.  This point of my life.

I'm not even going to mention how much mental torment I've been in.  I've put off a lot of important issues because I wasn't ready to commit to any one thing.  At this point, I feel like I'm in the shelter (following me? Did you read The Road).  I've got a comfortable place to live--although, it's not "home"--and plenty of food.  It's definitely not going to last forever, that's for sure.  So, like the father and son in The Road, I'm moving on.  I'm not sure where, exactly, but I know I won't survive if I stay.  I'm going to gather what I can carry and move on down the road. The Road.

I've been comfortable, but I haven't been happy at home.  I've been yearning for something for a while.  I know it's teaching now.  I've been editing papers for teens (and Graduate students!) and looking forward to it.  I've read a ton of books and can't wait to share them.

Unlike the father in the novel, I'm not going to die.  As a matter of fact, as I think back, I'm not sure that I'd even be the father (for this analogy).  No.  I am the boy.

The ending of that novel was excellent.  Here's the last paragraph:

"Once there were brook trout in the streams in the mountains. You could see them standing in the amber current where the white edges of their fins wimpled softly in the flow. They smelled of moss in your hand. Polished and muscular and torsional On their backs were vermiculate patterns that were maps of the world in its becoming. Maps and mazes. Of a thing which could not be put back. Not be made right again. In the deep glens where they lived all things were older than man and they hummed of mystery."

The whole book was littered with dark and dank descriptions, and while nothing is certain, the "brook trout" surely are colorful and, in this sense, hopeful.  I am too.

I can't wait to get teens to think about stories like this.

Teaching should be about me (not meant to be vain).  I feel that when I teach, I provide a piece of who I am... what I am.  I think doing that makes the experience more sincere for the students.  So why not allow my personal life to seep into my profession.

Looking back at the dozens of blogs I've had over the past ten years, I've realized that I spend a lot of time rationalizing my movements in life (i.e., this post).

I've got a lot on my mind, and I want to share it.  That's the purpose of the Digital Sea, anyway.

Here's a side project I've been working on for a while.  It was essentially a failure, but I want to reevaluate and try again...

www.radreads.wordpress.com

I'm taking this writing thing to a whole new level (for me).  For once, I'm taking it very seriously.  I've gotten some excellent advice and direction.  It looks like I've got my "one shot," my "one opportunity."  So, I think Marshall Mathers would be disappointed if I didn't "mom's spaghetti" take advantage of it.

All kidding aside, I really just wanted to clarify: I honestly realize that I'm just fortunate to have a couple of things.  First off, I'm lucky to have a story.  For many reasons--most of which come at the advice of someone within--and much more knowledgeable about--the writing business, I'm not going to reveal much about my "story."  The point is, I have something to write about, and I think it's something more meaningful than average.

...sounds pretentious, but I guess we'll find out.

Secondly, I'm lucky to have had a couple of professors in college--and one in particular for pushing me to take on Professional Writing as well as English--who taught me some things that helped my writing and my character.

Even if nothing comes from this project that I'm taking on, at least I'll be having fun, character-building experience.

_____________

Still listening to Blackalicious.  Check it out.

Since I don't want this space to be viewed as just another cheesy "Guess What I'm Doing" blog, I'll try to make some sense of this.  Almost immediately, my mind wants to justify my make-shift happiness to passion.  That seems a little pretentious, and I'm not sure if that's all of it.  Besides, I have always LOVED to write, and it's not like I haven't been doing it--just not as often and in a different format.

When I was student teaching at Moravia--which was, overall, an excellent placement--I had one student who didn't "place" well in the class.  Friends?  Nope.  Ambition?  Negative.  Hobby?  Not that I saw.  Anger? Not that type of kid.  Good grades, you ask?  Not so much.

I couldn't put my finger on this student.  I wasn't sure what was really going on...

The best most important thing she did was journal writing; a normally standoffish, distracted girl consistently wrote feverishly in her 8 x 4, black and white, $1 notebook.  Damn, I couldn't get this girl to write a story (in any format she wanted--video, music, comic, etc. etc. etc.) on any topic she wanted... But she'd write in that journal like she was trying to create a fire.  Because I'm a man of my word--mostly--I didn't read many of her posts.  I do, however, know that she was writing about something she was excited about.  That's an over-generalization, but I'm not about to try to capture the zeitgeist of an tenth-grader from Upstate New York.

Now I'm back to the classic "children want to write about things they're passionate about" cliche.  But I guess it's a cliche for a reason.

That drawn-out story was used simply for this: I'm excited about something enshrouded within my writing.  I don't know if I know what IT is yet, but I feel like I'm getting close.  Yowzer.

Reading
Charles Bukowski's Slouching Towards Nirvana

Listening
Blackalicious, A2G EP

I really enjoy doing this; this is mostly because I love to write and love doing print and web design.  The majority of the work that I'm doing for this company is a juxtaposition of these two--in one way or another.  I even get to teach too!

That being said, most of my days keep me pretty busy (entertained--and I'm not writing this in a snarky way; like I said, I really enjoy this), so I don't have to much time to "worry" about the "bigger" problems that I have in my life.

I say "problems" like I'm a child-soldier in Uganda; I really mean "problems" in a more suburban context.

Basically, my for-now job is keeping me occupied during the day, but I have nothing specific to distract me after work.  Sometimes I even work later without remuneration for an *ahem* unknown reason.  This thought-bubble workspace of a blog may be serving that same purpose.  Maybe it'll be productive avoidance now.

Ultimately, I'm not scared of teaching. No Way.  I've spent a lot of time and have had a lot of fun teaching middle- and high-schoolers.  It's the whole moving-on and fear-of-the-unknown thing that has me spooked.  I feel like I'm searching for something that defies definition.

Humph.  I guess this is what it's like to be... "normal."

Reading
Flannery O'Connor's A Good Man is Hard to Find

Listening
Album: Modest Mouse, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank
Song: Radiohead, "Hail to the Thief"

It'll behoove me, in general, to keep this blog focused mostly on my forays into the teaching-world, but I did want to mention my "secret life."

The next couple of months will be--undoubtedly-- the most telling of my life.  It'll be a character-building roller-coaster ride of confusion, decision, madness, emotion and fear.  I'm looking forward to it (And I'll use this space as a passive-aggressive way to justify and hide from said things.).

Besides...

This was always my favorite blog.  Admit it; it's rad.

Also, I've also picked up the drug-like habit of posting to Twitter regularly.*  Follow me here.

*And by "regularly" I mean excessively. :-)

For now, all you'll get is a favor.

I've been working on my teacher ePortfolio, and I would love some feedback.  Here's the URL: www.raymondhedrick.com.

If you have any suggestions, criticism, anything... let me know.  It'd be greatly appreciated.

It is password protected, so if you want to help me out, leave me a comment or send me an email, and I'll give you the passwords.

Thanks.

I posted this on my student teacher blog but was hoping to get a response here, if possible: