Digital Marriage Blog

A boy or girl thing

2012-01-24T03:37:48+00:00

Previous episode Celia’s mother was laid off from her job just as she, Rob, and Celia are preparing to buy a house together. Current episode Rob was doing the closing shift at Starbucks, sweeping the floor after what would probably be the last rush of the evening. He had good days and bad days about the whole deal with Celia’s mom. On the days when he focused solely on the financial piece, he was excited about the possibilities. Between the sale price of Celia’s mother’s house and a small loan from his father, they would have sufficient down payment not only to buy a house, but to sneak into a decent school district too, and between his salary and Celia’s they would be able to afford the overhead. On days following another dip on the family emotional roller coaster, he was not so sure. Celia’s gratitude toward Rob for being so supportive buoyed him, though he feared he would be unable to sustain his optimism if she and her mother didn’t figure out how to work things out better. Celia still treated her mother as her mother. Rob was beginning to feel that to treat her more like a child would be more helpful to everyone, including her mother. Mom wanted to be told what to do, it seemed, but Celia still had an expectation that she should defer and therefore Mom would step up. The only remaining tasks: to find a house, close escrow, and move in before Celia had the baby in May. Whew. The bell over the door jingled and he looked up to greet the next customer. He was mildly surprised to see Celia and her mother, but he had known they were going to check out the baby store nearby. Celia’s mom gave Rob a big hug. Celia, respecting his workspace, showed more restraint. “Robbie,” Mom said, “I don’t know why you and Celia won’t tell anyone if you’re having a boy or a girl. It would be so much easier to think about what to get if we just knew.” Celia looked at Rob as if to say, your turn, and good luck on that. There were times when Celia definitely needed Rob to step in and deescalate situations that pushed her buttons. Clearly, this was not one of those times. “I’m sure Celia has explained to you how we feel about that,” he said. “I doubt I have anything to add.” He picked up his broom and headed behind the counter. Celia’s mom took a seat at a table as Celia, looking cute in her new maternity jeans, came over to the counter. “Can I start a drink for you?” he joked. “I needed your help there,” Celia said. “I’ve been trying to her off my back all evening about the boy or girl thing.” How does Rob respond to Celia?

The Right Words at the Right Time

2012-01-17T02:16:44+00:00

Previous episode Celia’s mother, with whom she and Rob plan to buy a house, just announced that she was laid off from her job. Current episode “I’m such a burden to you,” Mom said, putting her face in her hands as she began to cry. “Why in the world do you want to live with me?” The chronic hopelessness that had reigned over Celia’s childhood home (a function of Dad’s drinking and Mom’s inclination to depression) suddenly overwhelmed the kitchen of the home that she and Rob shared. This home was theirs, and Celia refused to allow hopelessness to rule here. She glanced up at Rob, who did not look hopeless – he looked impatient. As their eyes met, Celia could tell that they were in agreement that Rob would handle this. “I’m sorry you were laid off, Mom,” Rob said. “I know you were hoping this would be a permanent job.” Celia was impressed that he sounded sympathetic without getting caught up in the emotionality. That was Celia’s typical pattern – she would have immediately tried to convince her mother that she wasn’t a burden. Celia knew that part of the reason why living with her mother was going to work out financially is that neither she nor Rob expected her mother to contribute to the overhead expenses. She would need money for her own expenses, but other than that they would support her in exchange for childcare, they presumed; they had not yet discussed that. But Celia’s mother was a relatively young woman, only in her early fifties. She needed a job so she would have something that was hers. Celia knew that to make Rob and Celia’s family the center of her life, when she would already be living with them, would be a huge mistake. Mom’s weeping began to slow. “We want to live with you because we love you,” Rob continued, “and we’re going to need your help with the baby. It’s great that you now have a couple of weeks to get the house packed up. That way when escrow closes you’ll be ready!” “You mean you still want to live with me?” Mom said, looking up. “Of course we do,” Celia chimed in, and it hit her in that moment, that her mother had spent her whole life earning the care of the people in her life: her own parents and Celia’s father. Love had always been conditional. It was astonishing to her that someone might want her just for her. Mom stood up. “I’m going to do that. I’m going to go home, make short work of the packing, and get back here and find another job. I won’t be a burden to you.” She kissed and hugged Celia, then kissed and hugged Rob, and went into the other room. They could hear her dragging her suitcase out of the closet as they looked at one another. “That’s it,” Celia said, quietly, so Mom wouldn’t hear. “Mom believes she’s worth something because we love her. That’s motivating her to do something with her life.” She leaned over the table and kissed Rob. “Thank you.” What happens next?

Expect the unexpected

2012-01-09T23:54:28+00:00

Previous episode House hunting is dominating Rob and Celia’s life right now. Rob is disappointed at the asking price for Celia’s mother’s house, which will provide their down payment, but Celia is realistic that they may have to move again before their not-yet-born child needs a school district. Current episode Rob and Celia shared one of the few quiet dinners they could have alone now that Celia’s mother lived with them, just tacos at the kitchen table, but Celia had lit a candle and they were cozy in their warm apartment. Mom was working the late shift at her retail job and neither Rob nor Celia had evening responsibilities tonight. For Rob, that meant no Starbucks duty, since he planned to keep the second job until right before the baby was born, and for Celia it meant no private piano lessons on top of her daytime teaching job. “I know Mom’s house sold for less than you wanted,” Celia said. “A lot less, actually,” Rob said. “We’re going to have at least ten thousand less than I wanted.” “As I have said, I don’t mind moving again,” Celia said. “It’s a lovely dream, to move into the house we’ll spend the rest of our lives in now. But it’s OK if we move again.” “I don’t want to move again,” Rob said, continuing to push his point. He kept pushing until Celia said, “Rob, I think you’re tired. You’re working too much. The only thing that keeps you going is the belief that in six months you will have climbed this huge buy-a-house mountain once and for all. Then you can sleep.” Rob thought about that as he built himself another taco. Maybe there was something to that. Two months ago, all thoughts of home buying remained years in the future. Now, with Celia unexpectedly pregnant and their decision to try to meet as many needs as possible by buying a house with Celia’s mom, maybe Rob was trying to make too many things happen all at once. He sighed, disliking the option to buy cheap now and trade up in five years. “But who knows where the market will be in five years?” he said. “There may never be a better time to buy up than now.” “I don’t need a fancy house,” Celia said. “Neither do I, but we do need one that we don’t strangle your mother in because she’s constantly underfoot.” A light bulb went off for Rob. “Wait – I wonder if my dad might be willing to lend us a little more for the down payment.” “I don’t know,” Celia said. “You have two sisters in college right now”— Just then, they heard front door lock unlatch and front door open. “Mom’s home early,” Rob said. “Uh oh,” Celia said. “I hope this doesn’t mean”— Just then Celia’s mother walked into the kitchen. She looked dejected and tired. “It was just a holiday job,” Mom said. “I was laid off today, with about ten others.” She dropped her face into her hands in despair. What happens next?

Real estate Musings

2012-01-03T01:48:05+00:00

Previous episode Rob and Celia are facing the New Year with high hopes that their plan to purchase a house with Celia’s mother will go smoothly. Current episode While those around her moaned about returning to routine following the holidays, Celia anticipated the return to teaching with good cheer. After two years of being underemployed she was grateful for the work. Her pregnancy had progressed past the sick and tired phase, and with Rob’s support and active involvement she was building an amazingly healthy relationship with her mother. Mom had changed little, but Celia had learned that by accepting the mother she had rather than wishing for change that would never occur, they could build something workable. Celia was home alone today, packing up their sparse Christmas decorations not only to store, but to move. Next Christmas they would have a new home and a baby! Growing up with a depressive mother and an unreliable father, Celia had learned not to get too excited about things. But since Rob held a central role in this plan, she allowed herself to anticipate it with happiness. She and Rob were the architects of their lives now. She did not need anyone else to come through for her. There. Christmas was cleaned up and put away. She picked up her phone and dialed her sister, Catherine. Catherine, who was older than Celia, lived with her mother. No one was happier about the new plan than she was. Celia had felt guilty that while she had left home for college and gotten married, Catherine had remained at home, gone to community college and finished her degree online while working, in part because Mom needed the support emotional and otherwise. “OK, here’s what I’ve got,” Catherine started. “The house appraised at sixty-eight but there are five other houses in the subdivision for sale. The agent listed it sixty-two and we have an offer at fifty-eight”— “But Rob’s expecting seventy for the down payment”— “I don’t know anything about what Rob’s expecting but there’s no point to asking more than what it’s worth in a down market. Tell Rob I’m sorry we’re from Canton and not Beverly Hills”— “You’re right,” Celia said. “Do your best on that end and we’ll do what we need to do here.” Celia disconnected and dialed Rob, hoping to catch him on his break at Starbucks. She did and brought him up to speed. “So I told her that we’ll do whatever we need to do on our end,” Celia finished. “It’s going to be a push to get into a good school district,” Rob said. “Is this the best she can do?” What does Celia say?

The House Hunt

2011-12-27T02:16:24+00:00

Previous episode Rob and Celia, in their separate ways, have been attempting to redefine their relationships with Celia’s mother, with whom they are in the process of buying a house. Current episode Rob’s firm closed the week between Christmas and New Year’s, so for the time being he was working only one job, the part time Starbucks job. He had planned to work extra shifts – he found that paying down debt and building savings provided him with more energy than sleep did – but he decided to take the extra time to do some house hunting with Celia. They could use the time together anyway while Mom worked the after-Christmas sales. In the three weeks since they had decided to pursue buying a house together, Rob was encouraged that their plan was sound. He and his mother-in-law continued to get along famously and Rob felt confident that little could arise in their relationship that he could not handle. Celia, whose complicated relationship with her mother typically drained her, reported similar success. “When Mom started talking about decorating the nursery,” Celia told Rob, “I told her that I refuse to think about a nursery until we have a new house.” They were driving around neighborhoods Rob considered affordable, trying to determine where to focus their search. “And she accepted that,” Celia continued. “I know it seems like a little thing, but I fully expected her to come up with some convoluted reasoning why outfitting the whole nursery and storing it in our living room until we move made sense. Time was I would have believed her, but”— Celia paused. “But what?” Rob prompted. “But our relationship is so much better now that you are a part of it. She’s less crazy”— Celia paused again, obviously in the middle of her comment. —“And?” Rob prompted, again. “And so am I,” Celia said. “You and I have known each other for five years now. It’s taken that long, but all the good stuff you got growing up – parents married, everyone happy more often than not – is rubbing off on me. I feel like I can handle my mother for the first time ever. Never in my life would it have occurred to me to live with her again, but I’m actually excited about this!” Rob pulled over in front of a pretty, small Victorian on a tiny lot with a “For Sale” sign in front, turned off the engine and took Celia’s hand. “Look at that,” he said, pointing to the house. “I can’t believe this, but we could probably afford something like that. It doesn’t have a separate guesthouse or anything, but as well as the three of us are getting alone, we might not need to be so separate. Celia looked at the house and sighed. “It looks like a place to raise a happy family, Rob.” She turned to him. “I really want to be a happy family.” “So do I,” he said. Rob kissed his wife, quite content with his lot in life. How does their plan unfold?

Hard Talk

2011-12-20T03:40:17+00:00

Previous episode Rob and Celia’s plan to partner with her mother to buy a house to share is proceeding, but Celia has her doubts that she can manage that relationship without vaster mileage between them. Current episode The first weekday of Celia’s Christmas break coincided with her mother’s day off as Williams-Sonoma holiday help. Rob had already left for work and Celia, lying abed to avoid facing her mother, did not look forward to the day. She had backed off from most interaction with her, yielding the responsibility to Rob, who had accepted it gladly since he tolerated Mom’s button pushing much better than Celia. She rolled over, laying on her back and putting her hands on her belly. At four months pregnant, Celia’s bump was slight but present. She knew from the pregnancy books that this was her window to be productive, between the end of fatigue and nausea but before she had grown big and uncomfortable. But to be productive meant leaving this room and engaging her mother – so, immobilized, Celia remained in bed. Rob had been wonderful, talking to her mother and setting boundaries so diplomatically that Mom did not even grasp his intention. Rob would ooh and aah over her cooking and baking and between hefty portions would make “small” suggestions. He would say things like, “One of the things I’ve learned about Celia, being married to her, is…” and state how he would handle a particular situation. Mom, in her affection for Rob and her desire to remain on his good side (Celia presumed) would generally follow through just as Rob hoped. This made Celia hope that she, too, might be able to find new ways of handling her. Eventually. Celia sighed and dragged herself out of bed. Out of gratitude for Rob’s efforts, she decided to deal with her mother today. She tied on her bathrobe and opened the bedroom door tentatively. Mom sat on the sofa with a morning news program on, muted. Her glasses were low on her nose as she looked at a list she was making. “Checking it twice?” Celia said, hoping to keep it light. “Well, it looks like Catherine is selling my house, and Rob is looking at new houses for us – I’m not even sure what’s left for me to do!” she said. “Help you, I guess.” “Well, what’s on your list?” Celia said as she sat down, biting her tongue from reminding her mother that she needed to pack up her house to move, have a yard sale, find a permanent job – Celia could think of a million things that would be infinitely more helpful than actually “helping” her. “We need to get your nursery ready,” Mom said. “When will you find out if it’s a girl or a boy? I’m thinking greens and yellows in any case”— “Mom,” Celia said. “We need to talk.” What does Celia say next?

Motherhood Mania

2011-12-13T03:29:51+00:00

Previous episode Rob, Celia, and her mother shared a brief honeymoon period around the idea of partnering together to buy a house in Columbus. Current episode Rob still believed they had stumbled together into a good idea over the long term. Meanwhile he was not sure if he would survive the short term. Rob admitted that he had never understood just why Celia’s relationship with her mother was so fraught with drama, all the time, because Rob had always gotten along with her just fine. The longer Mom lived with them in their small apartment, though, the more he empathized with Celia and the life she had lived with Mary Gillespie as her mother. He had come home from his second shift as a Starbucks part-timer, hoping to be greeted with a quiet ham sandwich, but instead he arrived to an argument he could hear clearly even in the hallway thirty feet from the front door. Rob flooded with multiple streams of panic and he resisted running back to his car; he worried about Celia being pregnant and stressed, and he feared that the living together ideas was a huge mistake – perhaps he should have let Celia’s initial fears drive their decision making after all. “You can’t stay here, Mom,” might have felt cold and unkind but at least it would have been clean. Rob had never liked messy; he even had vivid childhood memories of sitting in a booster seat at the table shrieking to have his sticky hands wiped off. He sighed to face what he had signed up for and opened the front door. Celia sat on the sofa with her head in her hands while her mother stood a few feet away with her arm in the air as if she had been gesturing something. Both looked up as Rob entered the living room. “Robbie, thank God you’re home,” Mom said. “Celia won’t listen to me about taking care of herself. She needs to be eating for two but she insists she’s not hungry. I brought home cookie cutters and sugar cookie mix – would it kill her to eat a couple of them? They’re just going to go to waste now.” He looked at Celia and saw not his pregnant adult wife but a young child in whose eyes were despair and helplessness. He had never understood so clearly as in that moment why physical distance had been Celia’s preferred method of dealing with her mother. Rob dropped his things and, ignoring his mother-in-law, went straight to Celia and sat next to her. “Mom, those cookies smell great and I’m going eat half of them myself in a minute,” he said as he put his arm around his wife. “It’s OK if Celia doesn’t want any. Her doctor said she should eat what she wants, when she wants.” Rob had no idea what the doctor had said on this point but he groped for the most local authority he could invoke. “And they won’t go to waste. I’ll take them to work tomorrow.” “I’ll put another layer of colored sugar on them right now and pack them up,” Mom said. At least she could be redirected easily. “Glass of milk, Robbie?” she added as she disappeared into the kitchen. “Sounds great,” he called after her. Celia stood up. “I don’t think I can do it,” she said in an angry whisper. “How am I ever going to take care of our baby with her telling me what to do every minute?” How does Rob respond?

Embracing a new normal

2011-12-06T03:15:14+00:00

Previous episode Rob and Celia pitched an idea to her mother: sell your house and move to Columbus with us. We’ll partner in buying a house. Current episode Celia’s mother barely seemed to be the same person, so happy was she about their idea. The personality shift was nearly a one-eighty. Instead of denial, she stood firmly on the ground and engaged the reality of her situation. Instead of negativity, hope and optimism allowed for genuine participation. Celia dared to hope that the lifelong depressive who had raised her might, for once, enjoy her own life. She was surprised, though, that this did not feel like pressure; instead the energy they had put into the old boundaries had been freed to flourish in this new direction. Celia knew this was a honeymoon phase and that the process would not be easy. Thankfully, Celia’s sick-and-tired first trimester of pregnancy had passed. Between Rob’s real job and his part-time Starbucks job, and Mom’s William-Sonoma holiday help job, many of the real tasks of the transition fell to Celia. She embraced them. First, she broke news of the plan to her older sister Catherine, who still lived with Mom, via phone. Obviously, this would impact her. To Celia’s surprise, Catherine broke down in tears – of relief. “I can get on with my own life now,” Catherine said. “I’m going to apply to grad school!” Catherine further offered to be the boots-on-the-ground in terms of selling the house in Canton and would start by contacting real estate agents. Cleaning out and packing up the house would be a job, but the sisters agreed to start this task between Christmas and New Year’s, when Celia would be on vacation from teaching. Next, Celia addressed the real issue of how she, Rob, and her mother would co-exist in a small one-bedroom apartment for the next few months. She cleaned out the coat closet in the living room entirely, moving its contents into the bedroom, to create a contained space for her mother’s belongings. She put a laundry basket on the floor for the bedding and pillow her mother used on the sofa, and put clothes hangers on a shopping list. By accepting the new normal rather than continuing to fight the old one, Celia found that she actually had more control over the situation than less. A vague memory from a martial arts class she had taken as a child floated back to her, about moving with energy rather than against it… she had been fighting to separate from her mother for years, and now, with Rob’s help, she had accomplished this by embracing the relationship. Her gratitude toward her husband welled up. She narrated every point in her life that had led her to Ohio State and the fencing class, of all things, in which she and Rob had met one another. What happens next?

Reality Hits Home (Joanne’s comment)

2011-12-02T03:43:25+00:00

I like Rob’s thinking. We could spend our lives waiting for the people we love to grow and change into the people we want them to be. Some of them are never going to—why not figure out how to embrace them anyway? Of course, I’m not talking about genuinely abusive people—we should not “embrace” and therefore enable those who hurt us. But most of us have relationships with some middle-of-the-road dysfunctional family members that would benefit from a savvy combination of flexible boundaries and creative thinking. Celia’s mother doesn’t have any problems that a good dose of life purpose won’t solve, and a job and grandchild in another city could provide that. Today’s economy means that building a financial future requires thinking differently than in past generations. Multi-generational living is making a resurgence—why not be intentional about it in order to make it win-win? I hope Celia and her mother like his idea. Even if they don’t act on it, just discussing it might facilitate new ways of communicating.

Reality hits home

2011-11-29T02:28:16+00:00

Previous episode Celia’s mother took a holiday job in Columbus and expects to stay with Rob and Celia while she works it. Current episode None of Celia’s panicked, verbalized reactions to her mother’s news—that they did not have room in their small apartment, that the job was temporary anyway – had any impact on her. Not that reason ever impacted Celia’s mother, but it had been the place to start… Short of defending their threshold at gunpoint, their only option was to receive Mom. Or so Celia had thought; consequently she capitulated to the emotional blackmail of her own fears. As threatened, Mom showed up the Tuesday evening before Thanksgiving, attended training for her retail job on Wednesday, and started work for Black Friday. So Rob watched as Celia, still tired and sick in her first trimester of pregnancy, lost out on the holiday week’s rest to the stress of her mother living with them again. He had been ready to refuse his mother-in-law’s plan, but Celia’s worry that Mom would tip back into depression if they did not support her gave him pause. So for now they were stuck. “You need a new strategy,” his office mate Lucy told him as he unloaded the story the Monday after Thanksgiving. Lucy had a large extended family with which she seemed to balance genuine care and affection with actual boundaries. Lucy did what she could and said “no” when she couldn’t. “What do you suggest?” Rob said. Lucy had told him what she thought, which he shared with Celia that night in bed. “Let’s help her move here,” Rob said. “Whether she keeps this job after Christmas or not, she’ll do a lot better job-wise and mood-wise here than in rural Canton.” “She still can’t afford to be on her own,” Celia said. “Getting the house free and clear after the divorce was the only thing that made survival possible for her on her income.” “Lucy had an idea,” Rob said, speaking quietly and calmly to counter Celia’s anxiety. “We could buy a place – partner with your mother, basically. Her down payment from selling the house and our – yours and mine—combined income making the payments. We’d get a place that has a guest house or separate apartment or something. Mom gets taken care of, you get help with the baby, the baby gets its own room, and we could begin to build some equity. We would buy your mom out someday.” Celia looked like she had never heard anything so crazy. “Look, do you really believe your mother is ever going to change?” he said. “Let’s adapt to living with the mother you have, instead of hoping a whole new person shows up someday. Lucy’s really good at this. Maybe we need to be, too.” “You make it seem so obvious,” Celia said. “You would really do this?” “Of course I would. I wouldn’t suggest it otherwise.” What happens next?