Direction To Perfection

Mental Chaos

2011-01-28T16:48:00.000-05:00

I made this blog almost two years ago as an anonymous way to log what I was doing with my eating disorder, cleverly disguised as, "pro ana." At the moment, the idea of pro eating disorders sicken me. Through months of intensive eating disorder treatment, including hospitalization twice and residential treatment, I can honestly say, I hate eating disorders. I hate mental illness, but in a sick sort of way I absolutely adore it.

This blog is about a girl, and it's brutally honest. So honest, I have scared myself. I never wanted anyone I knew to see this, to see that I was so fucked up. Now, I almost wish that people could see it. I wish it was more open. I'm at a crossroad- live transparent or hide everything away.

To be honest, not having to lie, manipulate, cheat, steal, and fake away my life would be a huge relief. It's an exhausting feat to keep so much pain cleanly put into neat little words. I have online dating profiles, I have had multiple blogs, tumblr, facebook, many youtube accounts. Everywhere I am something, someone, but not quite the whole picture. I'm scared to be myself. Scared to live life the way I want to.

Fear is a debilitating emotion, but also can come with so much energy. Energy for change, for hope. Or, it can paralyze you into absolute nothingness. I'm paralyzed, not exactly sure just what to do.

These sentences seem so blank, so empty. I have this wall put up, how do I take it down? I've seen too much, spoken too much, done too much, felt too much. Now I don't do anything. I'm slowly sinking into a gray area. Days, weeks, months. All the same.

There isn't any meaning, any drive. I can't be bothered.

IT'S KILLING ME.

I'm so lonely, so sad. So hurt.

With no direction, and less dignity, I will leave it here. Goodbye loves.

Crazy "Help"

2010-12-29T04:25:00.000-05:00

My parents aren't into getting me any form of treatment at this time. To be honest, I need all of the help I can get. I see a free therapist twice a week through the state, but she forgets we scheduled appointments, doesn't remember anything I talk about, and is basically sucky. I shouldn't complain since it's free and she tries, but it isn't great that the only help I get is this way. I need to see a psychiatrist and go to meetings every week. I need a good psychologist to see a couple times a week. I'm trying so hard right now to do better, but I need help. Everyone keeps complaining that I ask too much of them, but I'm really not asking much at all.

I saw my cardiologist yesterday and it went less than well.. My heart rate is way too high haha. She wasn't pleased, but I really adore that doctor!! She is trying to help me, if only my parents would get with the program.

I've been waiting for a half an hour for my therapist now. She I guess forgot we had an appointment. Ugh. :(

Trying to hold on, and get through the day the best I can. Dodge my parents. Whatever!

With love.

I've been bad.

2010-12-27T01:42:00.000-05:00

I've been bad, loves. I've been pigging out for the last month. Yummy food, yucky body.

I wanted this blog to track my recovery, and I technically am in recovery, but I'm not working that system. I can't write about myself getting better if I'm not. So, this blog is just a journey, a glimpse inside the monsters of addictions, eating disorder hell, and other life type stuff I happen to go through.

I have a sick daddy, I have a past of abuse. I grew up never knowing proper eating habits. I never let anyone inside of me, I was a quiet person. I was the epitome of an unconventional family. From the time I was born, this life was me. I have the genes, God gave me the brain of an addict. Bad things happened to me, I was forced into less than awesome circumstances. I guess that's where we are today. Struggling between letting myself fall deeper into the dark hole I've come to love, or work to escape the strong grasp. I never asked for this, so why do I have to be the one doing all of the work. It doesn't seem fair, I have to work like hell just to get to a place where most people never think twice about being in. You know? Institutions and treatment is where I'll be until I choose the option of health. Why is my normal something that places me locked up? This is where I have to decide. I'm at a point in my life where this is all on me. Heroin and crystal meth are calling my name, ciggs, that bottle of vodka, creepy old men with wrinkled up dicks, money. All of it. I'm attracted to the life of hell. Why change when this seems so right? Basic problem that is consuming my life. I don't know what I want, sit here and rot until I eventually (meaning soon) die? Or, work like a mule and get to that normal place, knowing that at any point one bad decision can lead me down the path to hell, once again?

What would you pick? Hard work = happy life. OR No work = death. Cynical.

On a side note, I got some fucking awesome Christmas presents. North Face jacket, Coach Poppy perfume, new Flip Slide HD camera, iPhone 4, duffel bag, clothes, Uggs, money, gift cards, and more. :) And so much yummy food. Turkey, ham, filet, crab cakes, sweet potato mash, potatoes au gratin, stuffing, gravy, rolls, butter, corn, carrots, cranberry sauce, la la la. Cakes, cookies, ice cream. Rum! I could blow up. And so many leftovers I could die.

Christmas vacay for the next week. I am supposed to hang with my cousin, my best friend, and another cool older friend. Plus, shop and return gifts that didn't work, celebrate the merry season, clean, and figure out what to do with this life of mine. Oh, and cardiologist appointment on Wednesday. If I end up in the hospital, shit. There's a lot of possibilities, and many I probably won't take.

Stay strong, give me a reason to change.

With love.

Ramblings Of The Day

2010-12-14T04:10:00.000-05:00

I just downloaded iBlogger, so expect to hear quite a lot from me now girlies! I miss my old blogger community, let's rebuild ourselves.

Today's intake:
-Orange Juice (75)
-1/2 Chicken Wrap (250?)
-Trail Mix
-Piece Of Cake
-Chicken And Rice
-Chocolate Milk
-Ice Cream

For me, that is very clean. My mom is bringing my dinner home but it's a little late so we will see!

On another note, I skipped school yesterday and went a couple minutes late today. Tomorrow is a half day and then we have six full days until winter break. Fuck me!

I need to see my psychiatrist, dentist, general practitioner, gastro, eye doctor, and orthodontist. I have an appointment with my cardiologist at the end of the month. I have therapy tomorrow and on the 21st a support group. Not much going on loves.

I need to bake cookies, carol, watch christmas movies, play in the snow, and make this christmas count. It could be the last for a bunch of family members. I need to get gifts (cheap!) and relax. Must write a to-do list. If I come up with one, I'll post it!

The weight was 220.6 today. I haven't drank, smoked, abused drugs, self-injured, or done anything serious in about a week. Little progress. Baby steps towards a cleaner life.

Grades in school aren't terrible. I need to have a slumber party this weekend with some girls or something! I've been thinking about goals a lot recently. What I want in the long run? I'll keep thinking and check back in with that. And I need to get a job, too!

Stay strong loves. <3

This is torturous.

2010-12-11T11:42:00.000-05:00

My life, to be exact. I'm dying on the outside slowly. On the inside- we are done. I'm a decaying carcass of a once loved human. Now, I have to deal with daily internal torture, just to one day pass along.

Numb. Pain. Apathy. Emotion. Ambivalence. Strong.

22 pounds, 14 days. Alive.

If the world is going to torture me, I will take a piece and do it to myself.

"Do it December." Fail. It's a cynical form of success.

Well, guys. I've been in the 220's the last week. Unacceptable. I feel yucky from my core. I can ooze disgust. I am in this miserable funk of depression. I sleep, eat, and well that's it! I have gone to school six times now. Full attendance my fuckers. I self-injured last night and have been screwy with my meds. I'm in a bad cycle of relapse. It's the lightning form. Whiplash, ooh aah. Not the kindest person if you could tell.

All I can make it down to is that before Christmas, I will flick those 22 pounds off like leeches sucking me dry. I don't need em. I don't need anything. I am in control, this is the position of lust. You want to be me, with so much fucking self manipulation that my eyes will bleed. And go to school full time to maintain my 4.0 of parental love. Oh, and get into the joy of the season.

Christmas. Oh yes. It's creeping around the corner and I'm hiding under the covers. Once it's gone, I'll drown in pity, but also be happy I didn't take a part of it again this year. Favorite holiday just doesn't have a place in me this year. I can't.

With love.

Shhh!

2010-11-25T23:01:00.000-05:00

I have a secret... I haven't taken my medication in the last week. When I'm on Prozac I can't orgasm... So, I picked sexual pleasure. I haven't taken my heart medications either. Yes, my bulimia led to heart complications. My mother's twin sister died when she was 24 because of the same heart problem I had. I'm hoping my heart kills me, so I won't have to. Seems pretty cruel.

As well as life is going right now, it's still incredibly hard. Like, harder than I ever thought possible. Family, friends, health, hope, school.. It's all pretty much a pain in the ass. Thanksgiving dinner was worse than expected. The day brought up way too many bad memories, and my family was killing me. It was like a family competition to see who could eat the least during the day, and the least during the meal. I just got out of treatment, and I was looking forward to enjoying myself. I took the day off from everything and just chilled out, then I went to my aunt's house. It's disappointing when holidays are the worst days of the year. Where's the cheer? I guess there really isn't anything to be celebrating..

On a better note, I was three whole weeks self-injury free last night. I was proud of myself. ;) My family wasn't.. I have that list of goals to accomplish before the new year, and it just seems like I will never make it through. With as well as I have been doing (for me, anyway) I would have thought I would feel a little good. But nope! I still feel like shit, even with all of these positive activities and a healthier lifestyle. My therapist agrees with my mom, thinking I should lose weight so I feel better about myself. I just want to be happy, though. I want to enjoy food and enjoy my body. I need to find some sort of balance in there.

I'm going back to school in less than a week. I'm more than nervous. If I never start, there is no chance of doing well. I want to do well, but the stress is just not what I need. I want to go back when I'm more prepared. I do not feel prepared or ready in any way. And, I just don't want to go back. I want to stay at home, I'm doing well, why risk changing it. I need to make friends and get away from my parents a little though. And being a "normal" person might help me in the long run.

If anyone knows where the simplicity fairy went, tell her I need to make an appointment. I have too much inside my head for me to handle. I've been in bed for two hours trying to fall asleep, not working so well haha..

With love.

the monster is me

2010-11-23T19:44:00.000-05:00

I want to be..

Not this person staring at me in the mirror. I want to be me. Who's me? I'm me, but i'm not myself. I can't get in touch with this person. I see who i've made myself to be, and i hate that monster.

I'm
the

m
o
n
s
t
e
r.

I destroy everything. Even worse, I'm a scared monster. I don't have the confidence to go back to school, too lazy to do the work, too cowardly to stand up for myself. I want a different life, I want a good one.

Here's my idea of what I want-

-My parents back together happily.
-My parent's work to go well, and for the money to be restored.
-To be completely recovered.
-To have a couple close friends, and more that I hang out with.
-To look good and feel good. :)
-Good grades.
-After-school activities.
-No abuse.
-Deal with past sexual abuse...

There's so much I want, but I know most of it is stuff I'm not getting. Why do I constantly crave what I can't have, or even worse, what I can have but don't have the ability to get. I need what I don't need, I want what I don't want. I'm addicted the the addictions. I'm a mess of complicated shit that needs to be figured out.

I'm hungry for the love, company, support, desire, confidence, life, energy, and everything else food not only doesn't help, but makes worse.

This time I mean it.

2010-11-23T14:24:00.000-05:00

Hey loves!

I'm back!! :) Just to fill you in, I will put my schedule that has been the last few months:

7/27- Admitted to Rehab
9/2- Lest Rehab
9/29- Went to Hospital
10/3- Transferred to Psych Hospital
10/5- Left Psych Hospital
10/7- Admitted to Different Rehab
11/2- Left Rehab #2
11/3- Started IOP
11/3- Last Self-Injure
11/15- Drugs, Alcohol, ED

See what I'm talking about? Life's been a hellish ride. Rehab #1 was for self-injury and Rehab #2 was for my eating disorder. I've been pretty busy dealing with my shit. My IOP program is also for eating disorders and it is on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday for three hours. I'm doing a home schooling program right now until the beginning of December, when I go back to school. I spend the days at work with my parents, and we all know how lovely that is! I also attend therapy, nutrition, psychiatry, support groups, and life outside of the program. I'm working hard. I need my life back NOW!

A lot has come up in the past couple months, and I have a pretty clear idea of what I need to work on. I just need to do it. I can talk the talk, let's see if I can walk the walk!

Goals if we may? Small ones, to accomplish before the new year!

-Weigh in the 100's by Christmas.
-Stay self-injury free for the rest of the year.
-Go to school every day in December that I am required to.
-Make $150, but do not spend anything in the rest of November. I can decide how much I can spend in December at a later time.
-Go to an individual therapy session at least once a week, every week. Have a list beforehand to make sure I am working on everything I have too.
-Stay away from drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes for the rest of the year.
- Do not steal anything and be honest if I buy something.
-Throw away the rest of my razor blades, lighters, cigarettes, and klonopin. (That could be the hardest!)
-Follow my meal plan to the best of my ability, but write everything down.
-Get everything I own organized and figure out what else I need to do to pick up my pieces.
-Go to church at least twice.
-Volunteer at least twice.
-Be fair with my parents.
-Do not purge.
-Write a thank you letter to every person that has helped me through this year.
-Journal or blog every day.
-Do something social every week.
-Do the first four out of the 12 Steps.
-Try to attend AA meetings if possible.
-Work out at least 3 times per week for 30 minutes.
-Make myself a schedule and try to stick with it.

It's a lot my girls, but if I don't work intensively, I will never see my results. I need change, and I would like it to be faster than maybe necessary. This is going to be "Do It December" and then we can start the new year on a good foot with hopes of full recovery. Catch ya girls on the flip.

With love.

I'm back!

2010-09-16T22:47:00.001-04:00

Yes, I am. I'm here. In my home.

Good? No. Bad? Yes. I'm a fucking mess. Like for real. I can't get my act together. I just want it all to be done with... Screw me. I'll be posting soon.

Hospital Stay.

2010-07-23T17:10:00.000-04:00

I'll show you girls where perfectionism leads. A hospital. Missouri. 35 days. 16 hours away from home, away from my life.

I had a trip planned with my pottery class on Friday. I had an eye doctor, dentist, orthodontist, and hair appointment scheduled before high school starts. Plus a spa day, spray tanning, and mother/daughter day planned. I was going ice skating, swimming, bowling, water parks, beaches, ice cream, water ice, tanning by the pool, a trip to New York for a couple days, plus loosing around 50 pounds and getting hot. All in the next 5 weeks. But that's not going to happen. I'm going to be stuck in a brick building against my will, not able to do anything but therapy and feelings and emotions, and all of that shit. Fuck me. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I have 35 days to pack for, I just found out about it, and I'm leaving in two days. Two days of hell. Followed by another 35 days of hell. Followed by me freaking out because I'll only have three days to get myself ready for high school. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. KILL ME NOW!

I have a lot to do, a lot to think about, but I'm safe loves. I'm fat, scarred, but still alive. I won't be talking to any of you for a pretty long time, but, thank you for all of your support, every single one of you. I am so truly thankful, you guys have kept me alive. And, In a little over 5 weeks, I'll be back here, safe, healthy, happy, and on my way to perfection.

I love you. Take care of yourselves. I'll still be online until Tuesday, so you can e-mail me at directiontoperfection@yahoo.com. Love you!! Smile and enjoy your summer. You are so beautiful. Don't go to the same place I have. This black hole I've fallen into is not a good place. Try to be happy, and maybe do some of the things up there for me!

With love as always.

Lola :)

PS- I'm going to miss you! And everything! I'm still so nervous, and so not ready to let go of my ways, let go of who I've become. I'm so worried. And I don't want to stop typing because that would mean I would have to go do important things like buy stuff for my "trip". Is that enough venting? It should be. Stay lovely.

It's been a while.

2010-07-22T20:24:00.000-04:00

And I'm sorry. Things aren't good, they keep getting worse. My parents are working on where to send me off to now. It will be Silver Hill hospital, four hours away from me. They are crazy!! My binge eating disorder has been really bad. Really bad. Binging, purging, restricting... Cutting, burning, picking, scratching... Crying, screaming, laughing...

I can't start high school in five weeks like this. I will literally die. I'm a fat, ugly, mess. I'm crazy. Insane. I can't figure out why my brain has to be bad. I'm trying to quit cold turkey. Get normal while I can. I just need to.. actually I have no clue what I need to do. I just need to do something. I'm babysitting and should go, but I'll be back very soon, tomorrow morning. Have awesome days!!

WITH LOVE.

A little blog/rant time.

2010-07-07T21:38:00.000-04:00

Written at 1:52 PM while babysitting earlier. Enjoy :)

Right now I'm babysitting. Two bratty spoiled little girls. They just got three little kittens. Adorable!! They have this amazing pool, and now we are down in the freezing basement. They're playing barbies, I'm writing on my iPhone. I just want to go outside by the pool and work on my tan. I'm so pale it's not even funny. And fat!! 214.2 this morning. Excuse me fat rolls, I think we have a problem. I'm supposed to be reading one of the two books my therapist gave me a couple weeks ago. Everyone wants to send me to the hospital. I don't need to be hospitalized!! Not now!! I can't miss the first week of high school. They should've sent me earlier. And going all the way to Connecticut isn't that appealing. I'd rather be enjoying my summer, like that's going to happen. I'm just trying to go along with all of it, ignore my mom. She talks about me to her friends and Jeff. Everything I say to her is said back to someone else. I can't talk to my mom, I have one friend. Yippee.

Therapist have given me a bunch of books on perfectionism. I haven't done anything in months, I am in no way a perfectionist. Why can't she give me something that's useful now? I should at least skim the pages. My parents already hate me enough, I don't want to give them any more reasons. But the book is geared towards 8 year olds and it's so boring. I'm going to die...

My dad just got out of the hospital. He's been pretty sick. He was knocked out unconscious by his defibrillator and fell against the door pretty damn hard. He asked me to sleep over with him. I said no. I shouldve been there to help him, to call 911, to make sure he was okay. It was my fault. I shouldve taken care of him.

I haven't posted in a while, but I'm pretty gross right now. I feel so sick. I'm exhausted, nauseous, sick to my stomach, and just pretty blahh all over. I started taking SlimQuick for the caffeine (and hopefully weight loss) but it just kinda gives me a little boost without the weight loss. Not as great as it sounds online and in the commercials, and it was expensive as shit. Ugh. My life is just so UGH.

Sorry I'm all over the place. So much to say. I really want to have a good relationship with my stepdad. Like soooo bad. I'm lacking in the real father department (and always have) and I see how much his kids love him and I want that!! I want a dad. Really, I just want friends, people to talk to, but for now, this is going to have to work. I need money, too. I'm really poor... But I need to work on the relationship with the asshole. Maybe he can be a father to me, since my real father won't be around much longer. I can't believe I just wrote that, but it's the truth. Why does having people so close to death make me feel bad for what I've done? Why couldn't I have been nice to my dad two years ago? I kinda wish my dad would get healthy and get a girlfriend, a girl I could talk to and do stuff with and act like a mom to me. Why did my dad have to take my stepdad away from me? I'm so frustrated with life, and I don't have any energy. None. I've been babysitting since 10, it's almost 2, and I'm here until 6. I really want to order some food. I shouldn't be eating, but, I'm hungry... Bdhdbdudhsbskapjdhxnx xhxjdjdndndndjdi. There aren't even words to express how I feel. I'm soooo ehdjjskslalsowjebbsuxjsnsuchdkapwjdnxbxjxnmfndjdisoalzbxhcu.

I want things to get better, I really do..I guess that's all for right now. I love you guys. Have good nights.

With love,

Lola

Off Day

2010-06-29T00:23:00.000-04:00

Today, I took the day off. I ate what I wanted when I wanted. I did not follow one of my healthy rules. And that's okay!! Today sucked, but tomorrow will be good. It will feel good to get into a routine. And in four days, I will have another off day. Then five. Then six. And it will just keep going.

Today, I felt like shit, absolutely and totally. It was a horrible day, I cut, but that is going to be a secret. I don't want anyone to know about it. I was down to 207.8 today, so I was losing well. I just needed some space from all of this change to keep me going. hopefully, tomorrow will be an energizing, good day.

I should workout in the morning, eat, babysit, then come home to watch tv and relax. My step sibling will be here.

Short post, I know- i have to go write my step dad/mothers bf a long letter.

This was scrambly. I'm sorry. I created a youtube channel about my struggles. I don't know if I want to post it on here.

Well I will see you guys tomorrow, hopefully on a better note!!

With love,

Lola

209.4

2010-06-27T09:42:00.000-04:00

That is exactly three pounds in two days!! Friday I was 212.4, yesterday I was 210.2. Yay!!

Today:
Intake: 0
Outtake: 267

That's right my lovelies. I started the day out right, again!! I biked to the gym that's only a couple miles away from my house, excited to start kickboxing and zumba and yoga and using ellipticals...But you need a parent to be there with you if you are under 18. The guy says "Oh. You look older. I would've thought you were 18." God damn it! Why didn't I just lie? I had my mom's credit card! It was so disappinting. So, I biked my little butt back home, and here I am. Lying in my bed all sweaty. And I didn't even get a good workout in! And, I know my mom's not going to let me get the membership. If she knew I biked to the gym she would be pissed. And the owner checks everyone in. So, I can't go back another day to a different employee. And he wouldn't let me take the waiver home, either. I could've just signed for my mom! Oh, Im just a little upset. I've wanted to go get a gym membership for so long, and totally I finally had the guts to walk in. Nice gym. A little intimidating, but that's okay. So, we will have to see about the gym...

I have PLENTY of fruits, vegetables, and healthy food to eat today and tomorrow and the next. But, I kinda just don't want to eat anything. I need to get out of the 200's. And then, I need to get below 194, so I won't be obese. Right now, I'm just so focused on 193. Then, my BMI will just be overweight, not obese. Long term goal is 140. I can manage that number. I just feel like fasting until I'm not obese, but I know that will mean a big binge will come soon. I'm thinking I'll stick with this plan for today:

Breakfast: Oatmeal w/ 1 cup of berries.
Snack: Popsicle (sugar free 15 calories)
Lunch: Wrap with turkey, guacamole, and bell peppers. Organic crackers (one serving!)
Snack: 20 Almonds
Dinner: Amy's Stuffed Shells (It's an organic frozen entree.)

I could have those lovely legs. Thinspo here I come.

That should be good. And I won't have any binging. Rock climbing, kayaking, bouldering, hiking, ice skating, swimming, running. It should be a great summer!! The more active, the better. And I might even get a tan. Now, while I'm working on my physical health, I really need to work on all the other ones. Spritual: I'm starting church this week! And I want to start volunteering at my local hospital. And I have to start my graduation project. So much to do, so little time. My summer is going to be as busy as hell. And I should start working at my dad's restaurant, too. I want to make $1,000 in the next 9 weeks.

I'm going to go outside and do some snatches with my kettlebell. I'll see you guys soon. Have a great day! I'd like to catch up on most of you today, but it happens to be that I'm following like a thousand blogs. Must go through them, even though I really don't want to "unfollow" anyone!

With love,

Lola

Ending the day strong.

2010-06-26T22:00:00.000-04:00

The sweat, the pain. All to get back to sanity. After I posted earlier I had a Sobe Life Water, which I swear I thought was calorie free, but it was 100 calories. Then I swam laps around the pool (burned 293), then biked 5 miles (burned 289).

Intake:
55-Apple
100- Water

Outtake:
169-Walk
293-Swim
289-Bike

That would equal a 596 calorie deficit, but I binged. Probably around 1,000 calories. It still equals a loss for tomorrow, though. The weight is going to slowly creep down... Just have to get there.

My aunt was super nice and took me food shopping for healthy food and let me use her pool/bike. It was great. We never really got along before now.

Summer!

2010-06-26T15:54:00.000-04:00

It's summer now. I wish I was back in school, athough that sucked, too. Home is just so horrible I can't even bear it. My mom is a *Bitch*. And her boyfriend is crazy. I'll never understand why someone as absolutely gorgeous, smart, and let me say, perfect would settle for some crazy 10 year younger dude who works at a minimum wage job and drink all day. I will never understand why my mom has turned my life upside down for this "love". Will she ever come to her senses? She's not my mother anymore. She has a new life, and I am very obviously not a part of it.

My parents, me, and my psychiatrist made a deal that if I cut myself one more time they were sending me off to a hospital four hours away for two months. I would have loved the oppurtunity to go away, get better, and just be happy for a while. So, I cut. Deep. Deep enough to get stitches. Mom took me to the hospital, and that was the end of it. No one has said a word. The bf did get me a card. It says "Hang in there." on the cover and "It will be okay." on the inside. There's a little picture of a frog hanging from a branch on the cover, too. He just signed it "JM." I guess that's all I'm going to get. It was a sweet gesture, the sweetest he's ever been. So, my stomach hurts. I didn't tell my mom about the cut until the next day, and so I couldn't get stictches because it had been too long. So now I have to be super careful so it doesn't get infected. Hurts like hell. I cut all the way down, into my fat. Pretty good stuff. But it didn't really bleed. It wasn't that great of a cut session.

Summer is going to be long. I can't drive. All I can do is be productive inside my house, with little outing to CVS or Acme. Yipee. I have so much work to get done to get myself ready for high school next year. I have to be healthy. I'm not going to go to a completely new school on the wrong foot. And since I missed 90% of this year, I have a ton of school work to make up, too. I need to organize my life, and create a better me!

I also started my diet/exercise plan yesterday. Here was yesterday:
-Panera Chicken Strawberry Poppyseed Salad- 280
-Small Gala Apple- 55
-Maggie Moo's Ice Cream- 490
-Jogging- Burned 580 (Hour at 4 mph)
That totals out to 245 calories.

I was feeling good. I weighed in at 212.4 yesterday, and 210.2, today so it worked.

Today, I was doing really well. I went 24 hours without anything. Then here's how it went:
-Small Green Apple- 55
-Little Walk- 168 Burned (20 mins at 3.5 mph)
-BINGE.
I went too long without food for me. It started out really healthy, a chicken sandwich, plain on a whole wheat bun from Chick-fil-a, and a fruit cup. 430 calories. Then I had my brothers fries, half another thing of fries, some sips of milkshake, around 4 chicken nuggets, some fried rice, and half a meatball. (My dad was trying out some new tapas his chefs had made, and he left out the extras.) Great. Awesome. I was doing so well. I guess to make up for it I will have to do a major workout session tonight and just have water for the rest of the day. It's almost four o'clock. If I go to bed at 10, I'll be fine. Wake up tomorrow and do better!!

Maybe I can get my dad to take me rock climbing. It is the best thing ever, and burns around 1,035 calories per hour. My life is okay right now. I just have to get myself to a better place. I need to make friends (I only have one.) And sign myself up for some activities. Maybe an art class and a dance class? And if I get some books to study, decorate my room, and get my life on track this summer might go okay. I hope the weight goes down today. I don't want to ruin my second day. Oh yeah, the ABC is over. :( I had a feeling I wasn't going to be able to keep up.

That's enough for today. Have a good night girls. I'm back to reading, commenting, and blogging. :) Yay!

With love,

Lola

ABC Starts NOW!

2010-06-21T09:50:00.000-04:00

This is the first time I'm going to try the ABC, but I've been hearing about it for almost a year. I was looking at all of your blogs this morning and I came across this one! So today, 500 calories. That's better than the zero I was planning on eating.

I have 9 pounds to lose in 4 days. Think I can make it? I do. Lots of water, sleep, exercise, and very little food. 2.25 pounds a day. Or, 1 kilo. I like that better. I can do one kilo. 2.25 pounds- that sounds intimidating. Although, I do live in the US, and I have never heard anyone here measure themselves in kilos. ;) I'm sticking with the ABC at least until Friday. If I like it, then I guess we will keep going!

So much to update you all on- but I have to attend school for some amount of time today or I'm going to jail. I guess that means I should go! Tomorrow's the last day! Then I'll have plenty of time to stay regular with the blogging!

Ciaos, bellas!

Little Questionaire

2010-06-13T11:31:00.000-04:00

Be extremely beautiful or extremely intelligent?

Can I have both? But beautiful. You can have anything you want when you are that pretty.

Go without brushing your teeth for a year or go without washing your hair for a year?

Ugh. Neither? I guess brushing my teeth. Still chew gum, mouthwash. That sorta thing.

Be rich or famous?

Rich. That shit lasts forever. Being famous seems like too much work.

Have an amazing shoe collection or an amazing makeup collection?

Makeup. I prefer just simple, cute, comfy shoes, but I adore makeup.

Be able to sing or be able to dance?

Dance. I love those beautiful dancers.

Be stranded on a Desert Island or in the Desert?

Desert Island. It could be relaxing and fun!

Have a computer or a TV?

Always computer, TV is online and so is everything else.

Wear spots or stripes for the rest of your life?

Stripes would be easier to pull off for the rest of my life.

Drink out of a Teacup or a Mug?

Teacups are prettier but mugs are more fun to drink out of.

Receive a bunch of Flowers or a box of chocolate?

I love pretty flowers. And they don’t make you fat.

Have a hug or a kiss from someone you love?

Hug, if I had to pick one.

Sorry I have been so MIA lately. I'll be back very soon lovelies.

:)

Just A Quick Update

2010-06-02T23:28:00.000-04:00

I haven't really blogged in so long. I forgot how many people I had here that care and support me, and I've decided that I will use this blog to update and get support more often. Also, it's good for me to be able to look back and see how I was doing. I realized how this used to be my online journal, but as I've gotten to know more of you personally I've been scared to write it all, and I just have been lazy and keeping it in. I know blogging is healthy and helps me feel better, I don't know why I ever stopped.

On April 17th, I posted pictures of myself along with my weight and measurements. Since then, nothing has really changed. My weight is pretty stable and around the low 210's.

In the last couple of days, I've been starting to piece my life back together from a year of dropping out of everything. There are so many things I need to do to get back to me! I'm starting on a long journey to recover.

Today I met with a nutritionist for the first time. Her name is June. Very pretty lady, gorgeous house. She's young, in her thirties, and very nice. I just didn't really want to hear what she had to say. I have an eating disorder. I have distorted thinking. I know that already, but now we have to move on past those labels and start getting better. She gave me a lot of information, and the meeting didn't go exactly how I had planned, but it was still good. There was not a lot of questions, more just me saying something personal and honest, then my mom contradicting me. I know she's just jealous. I have a lot to read for her by next week, and I have a lot of work to do for my therapist too.

I never realized how hard having a happy, successful life actually is. I used to be so care-free, but now I have to work hard just to enjoy myself. I have a lot of people on my side, though. Doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, nutritionists... I have support from friends and family, and you guys, too. I have all the tools I need, but I don't want to put in the work. I've become lazy. There are only less than three weeks of school left, and much work needs to be done this summer. I'm going to have to be a busy bee. Buzz, buzz.

So much to write, and I will be back soon. I will get this blog back in shape, and I will update myselves on you, too. So so so sooo much to do, so little time. ;) Better stop wasting it and start working.

I'll see you all very soon.

With love,

Lola :)

2010-05-26T21:13:00.001-04:00

I'm still here. I promise.

Utility Knife (May be triggering.)

2010-05-01T09:25:00.000-04:00

I've written numerous posts within the last two weeks, but none seemed to fit. I wasn't in any type of writing mood. I felt like a failure after last week's weigh in, but we are going to put that beside us and start fresh this Saturday. Plus, it's a new month.

My mother's boyfriend (JM) is abusive to me. Mentally, emotionally, and verbally. He makes me feel like absolute shit. Here's what his words did to me tonight:

There we go. All bandaged and better. But I don't feel better. I'm still broken into a million tiny pieces.

My mom just got a letter from my school. It's telling me how I have missed way too many days of school, and if I miss one more, I will have to go to court, pay $300 plus multiple fines, my parents would have to pass a parenting class, I would have to go to summer school, and do 6 months of community service. Like I need any more stress. 35 more days of school. I don't know if I can do that. 280 hours.

No one can know that I'm still broken. They just can't. My mother is finally letting me stay home alone periodically. My freedom is slowly (and I mean snail pace) getting back. I have to let everyone around me believe I feel good, really really good. I just want to take a thousand pills, or at least the 300 or so I have in my room at the moment and sleep forever. And ever.

I finally feel like I'm getting back into things, I finally feel a little good, but then boom. Something happens. I just have no idea how to handle things. For school, the bottom line is I have to go, or I pay major consequences. It just is too much. We are supposed to be moving into our new house tomorrow, I don't know if we are though. I think I might be going to the mall with a couple new friends, that would be good for me. I need tan pants for my chorus concert. I don't want them to see my size, but they are friends, it'll be okay. I think we might go get pedicures after. That's what I need. I need a girls day. I need to get out of my house, out of my head.

I want to go cut more. A lot more. With the new school stress, and now moving. It's just a lot. I found a utility knive. Cuts like butter. It's amazing. Maybe more blood will equal a little more happiness.

This side was a little worse. I had to shower to get myself clean. I'll have to wake up early tomorrow to clean out the shower (all bloody), do the laundry (bloody towels), and take out the trash (bloody tissues). It'll give me a good excuse to clean my bathroom. ;) Maybe it will be good. Tomorrow we can eat healthy, clean, exercise, do homework, and hang out with my friends. Maybe life can be okay. These cuts definitely boosted my mood, though. They haven't felt that good in a while. Two legs down in one night, whew.

The weigh in, measurements, and pictures should be up tomorrow. If not, I feel like too much of a looser.

I hope all of you girls are doing better than me. We'll get through.

With love,

Lola :)

I'm going to get there, one way or another.

2010-04-20T21:10:00.000-04:00

I just want to start out saying thank you. Thank you to every one of you that commented on my last post. I fully appreciate it. They were lovely. I enjoyed reading them so much! I couldn't believe the response I got. I don't feel pretty at all, but hearing it from you girls gives me hope!

I purged today for the first real time. I've done it before, but not like this. Ending my night with toilet water and vomit splashing all over my face, hair, and neck right after I got out of the shower... Not my favorite. I ate well for breakfast and lunch (protein shake and apple for breakfast, no lunch) then after school got home and was so hungry! So I ate a hot dog, a sandwich, a package of rice, a bag of cheetos, a can of diet sprite, a huge piece of cake, and then topped all of that off with ice cream. I probably purged 40% of that. Better than nothing. Then I went on a 5.1 mile hike with my mom's boyfriend. At first I was really annoyed and upset that he was coming, then we started talking and I enjoyed myself. It was nice, very nice. When we got home, we were both parched. Jeff (the bf) asked his 7 year old son to please get him a beer from our fridge, sarcastically, I said me too. Well, joking again, the kid came back with two beers. I thought what the heck, I've never had beer before, let's take a sip. My mom and Jeff were sitting right there, so I took a little one, but I loved it and ended up drinking half the bottle. They screamed, I stopped. I was then called an asshole, a pig, and I was not setting a good example. Fuck you. I wanted a little bit of beer. Not a big deal. Came inside because I couldn't handle them, showered, then went downstairs and ate three pieces of pizza. Most of that came up too.

I didn't get any sleep last night, and tonight most likely won't be much different. I have a lot of homework to do, and I will get distracted and start doing something else, I always do. If I can finish the homework in the next 20 minutes, maybe I could fall asleep by 10. Who knows. I'll be exhausted either way. I'm stressed out of my mind. I started crying in school today, and the guidance counselor wasn't there. I was really upset. I don't know what to do. I just want things to go well...

I weighed myself after the hike (before the pizza) and I was 208.6! I only have three days to loose the weight. I'm nervous I won't make it, but I have to. The first week has to go well, then the rest of the weight loss will come.

This was just a little update. I'm not loosing as much weight as I feel I should because of stress and lack of sleep. Ugh. I'm doing shaky, I'm not stable, I'm getting whip lash from my mood swings.

Have wonderful nights everyone. With love,

Lola :)

If this isn't motivating, I don't know what is.

2010-04-17T08:57:00.001-04:00

I have decided to lose weight. I need to do this for my health, my life, and my sanity.

Starting weight: 211.4

Starting measurements:
-Right Upper arm- 15.5
-Left Upper Arm- 16
-Chest- 41.4
-Under Chest- 38
-Waist- 35.5
-Hips- 43.5
-Butt- 43.75
-Right Thigh- 28
-Left Thigh- 27.5

Goal weight next Saturday (4/24): 205

Pictures (Please try not to throw up.) I'm sorry for the bad quality, I'll work things out for next week.

Every saturday I will take my weight, measurements, and pictures. My goal is to be able to wear those Hollister shorts on the first day of summer, which is June 23rd. That gives me 67 days. Hollister says you have to have a 29-30 inch waist and 39.5-40 inch hips to wear the shorts. It's always been my goal to have a pair of jeans from there, and I just want to be able to wear these ones badly. It will be my motivation, and another way to see my progress besides the number on the scale. I'm determined.

I'm not making a ultimate goal weight for myself, let's just take it week to week and not get ahead of ourselves. Just take it easy and see how far I get.

My rules for the next week will be:

-Get at least 10 hours of sleep.

-Drink 100 ounces of water a day.

-Take my vitamins.

-Take my medicaton as perscribed.

-Do not eat after 8.

-Write down everything I eat.

-Exercise for one hour a day.

Next week I will make another goal, and add more things to my list, but for now I just need to stay determined for this week, to not get overwhelmed or frusterated, and to relax. It will all be okay. If anyone wants to get healthier or lose weight with me, be my guest. We can cheer eachother on!

Contest winner!

2010-04-16T10:06:00.000-04:00

Hey girlies! Short post today. I just wanted to announce my contest winner!

Drum roll please! The winner is tearsnsorrow! Good job girlie!

I used random.org to generate who won, so it was as fair as I could make it!

Rae, I just need your address and your flavor choices. Chocolate or caramel chews, and citrus or pomegranate fizzies.

Thank you everyone who entered! It was really fun! Hopefully we can do this again soon!

With love,

Lola <3

Fail, fail, fail.

2010-04-12T21:06:00.001-04:00

I broke every single rule I made for myself on my new diet. Shit.

My mom said she would get me professional help. Yeah, I wish. As much as I hate needing it, I need it. I have a disease, and it's more than I can handle by myself. Binge eating disorder isn't fun my loves. Not at all. The therapy program I was in before, and loved before I was kicked out, has an eating disorder program. I think I want to do it. My insurance covers most of it. I hope my mom will realize I need it and should go. I can't conquer my weight issues without help.

So many things to do. I need a doctors appointment to talk about my stomach problems/ my gardasil shot. Eye doctor for a new perscription/contacts. Destist for teeth cleaning/ shaping. Gynocologist for birth control. Cardiologist for yearly check-up/ my heart has been feeling weird recently. I need an orthodontist appointment for my teethers. And my kitty needs to go to the vet for her check-up. I'm a mess.

Plus, I have to move in two weeks!! That means going through everything I own and getting rid of 75% of it all so I can fit in my new room. I also have to go buy a few new things (I just got a super cute new dresser from Ikea last night!), and fix up my adorable little desk. No easy task right there.

On top of all of this, my medicals for school expire this week, which means I have to start going to school, doing the work and homework, learning the material, and all of that shiz.

I got into a fight yesterday with my best friend. We have NEVER fought before. We have been best friends for six years! I don't know what's happening. I have lost every single other friend I have, she's the last one, and now I feel like I'm losing her too.

My family, school, friends, my health, and just pretty much everything else is falling apart! I'm trying to hold it together, but this won't work for so long. "I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing. Just praying to a god that I don't believe in." Exactly how I feel. Hope can only do so much. I need some things to start clicking into place. I need my life to get to a comfortable place.

Oh, on a more happier and diet-y note, I got three new vitamins today! Vitamin C, Fish Oil, and a Multi-V. Fun stuff girlies! I love vitamins for some crazy reason. I hope it all works.

Well, I better go. I can hear the munchkins tearing up my bathroom!!

With love,

Lola <3