But how does it work? Well here’s a little opportunity to find out from the comfort of your sofa, on Tuesday 1st November from 7pm the Bristow crew will be watching the television and tweeting the hell out of it. You can follow @DirtyBristowMag and @probablydrunk and @bounder or the hashtag #DrBTV to enjoy it and please, join in.

Here’s our schedule:

7pm BBC One: The One Show
It’s part Nationwide, part Wogan, part TVam all crap.

7:30pm Channel Five: Real Food Family Cook Off
Real people, Channel Five? You get the deal.

8pm BBC Four: Richard Wilson Learns to Drive
I don’t believe it.

8:30pm BBC Four: Blackpool on Film
We went to Blackpool recently, it’s a hell hole.

9pm BBC Three: Don’t Tell The Bride
Should be called Don’t marry this idiot.

10pm BBC Two: Later Live with Jools Holland
With boogie woogie piano.

10.30pm BBC One: Imagine: Grayson Perry
The hairy potter.

And then the Twitter equivalent of the little white dot and the “ooooooooo” noise.

Get the beers, the popcorn and your Twitter-search primed.

The first movie is Showgirls, here, see:

Doctor Bristow is committed to serving you, the viewing public, only the finest fresh cut snark hand delivered from the Internet, this isn’t just twitter sarcasm this is Doctor Bristow sarcasm. Which is why he is bringing back Tweet Of The Week.

To guarantee only the highest quality tweeters the good doctor will be inviting the best tweeters that month to come to the next event FOR FRICKKEN FREE.

If you have seen a tweet that has the shine of the long knives, as brutal as a headbutt, or simply funny as all fuck and deserves to be nominated, simply retweet (old-style, you know so you can add stuff) with the hashtag #drtotw.

Dr Bristow himself will be checking the hashtag each week and before the next event and the three people deemed winners* will be given a free ticket to the next show. One lucky nominator (pulled from the virtual hat) gets a freebie too.

yours

The Bristow Boys

*Doctors decision is final, he’s a doctor for chrissakes – he knows what he’s doing.

We’ll also have games and a surprise supporting feature. Tickets on sale now, with special early-bird offers.

“FlixFixer is Social Cinema at the Custard Factory Theatre. It allows you to choose movies you love, find a venue to screen them and invite friends, family or other like-minded film-lovers to share in a screening where you set the rules – be it dress-up, dress down, no hats or no food. It allows you to build a community of friends around your shared love of movies and get together regularly to celebrate that. We screen here on Wednesdays… or you can screen here whenever you want.”

And so we’re taking advantage of it, we present the montly: Dr Bristow’s Movie-a-go-go.

Let’s be honest, the best thing about so called ‘event television’ is following the cruel, cynical Twitter crowd as they snark, shout, and shoot down the spectacle with devastating accuracy and sly humour. X-Factor, Eurovision and even the bloody Royal Wedding were all made, not only bearable, but endlessly entertaining by the techno hive-mind. Although Pippa Middleton’s arse helped the last one.

The good Doctor Bristow thinks that we shouldn’t have to wait for the next flavour of the week to fall onto the TV table, and the laser intensity of Twitter’s hard stare can be turned onto the Hollywood clunkers we all know and are mostly indifferent too.

Giving movies the collective gang-kicking they thoroughly deserve, the team behind Britain’s most inappropriately named magazine invite you to limber those tweeting fingers, sharpen those tongues, and come down to the Custard Factory where we will be dragging in a cinematic sacrificial lamb for you to tear apart.

Utilising our unique Tweet-o-vision the audience is invited to add its own commentary to the film offerings, with games, prizes and enough snark to sink James Cameron’s Titanic, Doctor Bristow’s Movie-a-go-go is the cinema that not only allows using your mobile when the film’s started, but demands it with craven fist.

Bringing together the joy of cinema and the cruel wit and wisdom of the crowd Doctor Bristow’s Movie-a-go-go is a movie experience of the future. Showing the very best, worst and oddest cinema the last hundred years has to offer; forgotten classics, shoddy blockbusters, and vintage screen burps all get the thrashing of their life from you the viewer and the rest of the crowd of equally-cynical culture junkies.

It’ll be a bit like this:

Our first victim will be Showgirls—Robocop Director Paul Verhoven’s tale of tits and tails in the *murky* world of Vegas dancing. There’s stripping, fighting, Wall Street-esque greed and Agent Cooper from Twin Peaks tupping Jessie off of Saved By The Bell in a jacuzzi.

Winner of 8 Razzies: Worst Actress, Worst Director, Worst New Star, Worst Original Song, Worst Picture, Worst Screen Couple, Worst Screenplay and 2000′s Worst Movie of the Decade.

We’ll also have games and a surprise supporting feature. Tickets on sale now, with special early-bird offers.

But what’s actually in there? We asked a few people who, for one reason or another, have seen it for their favourite bits.

Craig Hamilton, record-company mogul behind Commercially Inviable Records (who gave us a ton of advice on the cover tape) says:

“As someone who really, really wants a pig, I loved Hamish Dolphin’s How To Cook A Cassolet. If I had pigs I’d name them, tho’.”

Julia Gilbert, who braved a My Little Pony convention for us loved Mark Steadman’s A Love Story In Large Print:

“A painfully honest account of the embarrassment of falling in love. The author may be surprised to learn that we’ve all all done many cringe-worthy things in front of someone we fancy, blind or not. Single ladies queue here.”

Co-Editor Jon, who turned in a piece confusing ‘the English disease’ and the Spanish Civil War that was so long the accompanying illustrations didn’t fit, picks Cam Docherty’s Bawjaws:

“It’s the sweetest, most gentle, thing we’ve ever published and combined with Shona McQuillan’s soft artwork style it’s beautiful. On first read it might be mistaken for a children’s story, and maybe it is but it has a real depth. It’s a tale of loss, loneliness and libraries—add love in there and it may well make you weep.“

Danny found his interview with an Otherkin was relatively easy to write but tracking someone down willing to talk to him was in his own words ‘the ballache of the year’. His pick is Tom Lennon’s Mythical beasts of Birmingham.

“It’d be a cliche to say how difficult it was to pick my highlights because they’re all so good wouldn’t it? I’ll just say that Tom’s piece is top quality funny and writing from a fresh local talent given room to write something that probably wouldn’t fit elsewhere. With frankly jaw dropping illustrations from Nigel Lowery, it’s why we started the magazine in the first place”

And tutor on the Facebook Degree™, Jon Hickman just gets it for the pictures:

“I thought the illos were amazing this time around. Great last time too but next level issue two”

Order online here. It’s also available at a few outlets in Birmingham: Urban Coffee, Nostalgia and Comics and Brewsmiths.

But the mascot is the most important. Who else is going to appear on T-shirts, baseball caps, pens, novelty birth control? Who’s going to keep the not-hugely-interested-in-the-sport crowd entertained during the interminable waits between “heats”? That’s right — the bloke in the costume. Some of our favourite mascots included World Cup 2006′s Goleo or “the pervert lion” and Mexico ’86′s Pique the racially stereotypical jalapeño pepper. And of course the London thing has Crooklock and Manabille.

The Bristow-lympics has employed top branding consultancy Boggle, Bogart, Heggertay and Biscuit to come up with ours. But they have decided that for engagement purposes that we hold a competition to come up with a suitable name.

So here he/she is:

  and again, with a little tica-taca:

So you can win a special Dirty Bristow prize by naming our apiarian sporting pal. Leave a name here in the comments and we’ll pick the best one.

Compo is now closed. Winner will be announced soon.

Don’t forget you can see [insert name here] at the Bristow-lympics Opening Ceremony and Issue Two Launch on Saturday 13th Aug at The Edge in Birmingham City Centre. There’s loads more on too, go get yourself a ticket.

*a prize, at least.

We at Dirty Bristow have a complicated relationship with poetry, I give you the appropriate passage from our submission guidelines:

“We don’t really understand poetry. There’s poetry we like, Rambaud, Wordsworth, Byron, Morrissey and some others, but we’re not quite sure how it works—which means that we can’t tell if poetic works submitted to us are ‘any good’. We don’t have the training to offer feedback, so all you’ll really be able to get from us is a yay or nay. And that decision will be based purely on our prejudices and whims, so bear that in mind and don’t take it to heart.

Except for haiku. Haiku seems to be a middle class trope that when used badly does nothing but attempt to showcase “education” and a smug-zen anti-materialistic attitude. Whatever vision they’re trying for we see nothing but a slow wank into a John Lewis pestle and mortar, Jamie’s recipe for organic cock juice pesto.”

So we’ve come to an agreement that the BPU firm can take a stanley to poetry submitted for issue three and we’ll print it in a special supplement as fits their athletic aesthetic.

All work — somehow connected with the theme Break (full details here) —  email editorial@dirtybristow.co.uk.

If you’re a prose monkey, there’s still time to hit us up — go see. Illustrators, just drop us a line.

Apparently ‘10 days’ in Council language actually means ‘10 working days’ and the entertainment and alcohol licence hasn’t come through for the event on the 23rd. Which means we have to move it,: otherwise it’ll just be some people sitting in a room.

Here are all the details.

The line-up may shift a little but still full with all the Friends of Bristow and artists that share our sense of humour, love of music and capacity for a thumping good time.

The event is still being held at the Edge, but now will be on Saturday the 13th of August. This means we now have extra time to make the event even more spectacular. We hope that all the people that couldn’t make it now can, and the ones that have already bought tickets will forgive the date change.

It also give you a chance to go out there and get your friends to come along. The more support we get for this event ensures the continued existence of our unique magazine and proves to the corporate machine that not everything has to be branded, labeled and sold back with a reality stars smile.

If you’re still a-coming, your existing tickets/email etc are vaild — hope to see you then.

If not, let us know and we’ll refund your ticket money.

Danny & Jon

An unchained psychogeographic adventure from the editors of Dirty Bristow—Concrete and Cocktails: a journey to Birmingham’s glitter-stained independent heart.

Download your free mini-e-book of our trip to the pub, and the pub, and the pub, and the pub…

• e-pub (for iBooks—iPhone, iPad—drag it into iTunes)
• mobi (should work if you self load to a Kindle)
• PDF
• RTF (rich text format, should work on anything really)
• The cover as a jpg (in case you wish to add it to libraries etc)

You can get Amazon to send it direct to your Kindle (or  Kindle app) if you have trouble, don’t want to, or can’t self-load. Unfortunately we can’t do anything about the price bar set it as low as they let you (we promise not to go mad with the 30p royalties).  Go see on the Amazon site.

We’re very happy for you to distribute the files to anyone you like, it’s free, it’s good promo—but we’re happier if you direct them to this site so they can see our other stuff and hopefully buy a magazine or come to an event. Issue two is available to buy right now.

How’s about tweeting about this for us too?

Pier Review

We’re currently writing a full book, but we need your help. Financially mainly. We’re to take on the challenge of visiting every one of England and Wales’s 56 surviving pleasure piers in two weeks.

Piers are the phallic symbols of our desire to own the motherly sea; our Victorian forefathers covered them with the lace dressings of amusement to prevent the working class getting too excited. Since then they’ve rotted slowly, like Britain’s empire and its self respect. Those from Birmingham are perfectly placed to write about an ephemeral British seaside because that’s what the seaside is to them: a ghost, a Vaseline-smeared Shangri-La cobbled together from Carry On films, hazy childhood memories and nostalgia for a bygone era.

Go see all about it at pierreview.co.uk

Cover photo of The Nechells Park, on Nechells Park Road corner with Cuckoo Road in Birmingham, by Elliott Brown.