The thing is, I used to LOVE design. I used to get excited about new projects. The more challenging the better. Lately that drive has been morphing into nothingness. I don’t think about projects. I don’t get excited about projects. I just do them. I do them to the best of my ability, and I think I do them well. I just don’t enjoy it all that much. It’s all just turning into work. I still like it, I guess. I still do it. But part of me has stopped loving it. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that the only design work I do is for other people. For money. It’s turned into a means to an end for me. That part I hate.

I’ve felt this coming on for a while now. So in January I started a 365 project. Everyday I sit down with my sketchbook. Sometimes it’s quick and silly. Most of the time I just doodle. But everyday I draw something. And it’s been great. It’s reminded me to stop caring about my creative endeavors being perfect. It’s reminded me what it was I loved about making art. It’s that feeling you get when you forget the rest of the world. Forget words and thoughts and worries and just dissolve into the paper.

I never got that feeling from design exactly. But it was a similar feeling combined with the need for a solution. No, that’s not right either. When I’m  designing for myself, it’s the same. Just a different medium. When I’m designing for someone else it’s similar. (at least it used to be) It just adds a layer of needing to use all that to convey someone else’s idea or message.

The thing is. I want that back. I want to love it again. Not just like it. And I think it’s like a lot of things in life you do over and over and over and over again. After awhile it is inevitable that you take it for granted.

So yesterday I tried to do something for me. Tried to do something I love. But in the end I let the habit take over and just did something.

That, my friends, is bullshit.

So, I’m going back to basics. And that silly  little poster will be my first goal. My first re-entry project. I’m going to keep working on it. And hopefully start loving it. Who knows, maybe it will help me remember what it is I love about what I do instead of just liking what I do.

PS – The irony of all this combined with the quote I chose does not escape me.

For now, I’ll stay here. We will pretend it isn’t because I’m lazy.

So anyway, goals.

February is generally the time when all my resolve of the new year is washed away in chocolate, booze and yearnings for spring.

Even though I didn’t officially make any new years resolutions (because I believe them to be bullshit) I do want to make changes in my life. Mostly the standard stuff everyone wants: Be healthier. Loose weight. Work out more/get in shape. Stop binge drinking late at night when I can’t sleep/get more sleep. Get organized.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

This is all  stuff I will probably have to work on for the rest of my life. If I’ve learned anything it’s that there is no such thing as enough sleep, a totally healthy diet (if they ever start making chocolate covered french fries I’m doomed) or a closet that couldn’t use at least a bit of fine tuning.

There’s lots of other things in my life that need an overhaul too. Lots of things that have been nagging at the back of my skull. But this feels like a good place to start. Small changes every day. <– That there is the real goal. Take every day as a clean slate and change things. Little things over the course of a week/month/year add up to a lot.

At least I hope they will.

Focus: better gym attendance, less booze

Also. February will be the month I FINALLY update my OS. I think I’m two full upgrades behind now and it’s starting to interfere with my ability to use my computer in the way I want. You win Apple. You will have all the monies. Sigh.

Oh, and taxes.

I’ve decided to start a 365 project. The goal is simple. Draw everyday. Even if it’s just a 2 minute doodle. Just sit down everyday at least once and put pencil to paper.

Yup. That pretty much covers it.

But then a little voice inside my head told me to stop being so sensible and just treat myself to something really special. I usually try to ignore the little voices in my head, but on this occasion I let them lead the way.

Enter my new favorite makeup thing:

I’ve never been a fan of lipstick. Chapstick, yes. Lipstick, no. It just feels all wrong and gross. But lately I’ve been experimenting with lip stains. Most are crap that taste like a chemical wasteland and wear off in about 20 minutes.

This stuff however…AMAZING. It’s super sheer so it just gives a tiny pop of color. Add on a few layers and it glams up for that “hey I’m wearing makeup” look.

I was skeptical of using it as a cheek stain fearing it would make me look like a rag doll with big pink dots on my cheeks. But with a bit of advice from Sephora’s bomb ass makeup artists (and a new and much loved arsenal of makeup brushes) I think I’ve got the hang of it. Blended properly it gives just enough color without actually being noticeable.  I am officially swearing off all powder blushes.

Did I mention I also may have splurged on some new makeup brushes? LeSigh. This is where the “indulgence” part really kicks in. Makeup brushes, they are expensive, but oh-so worth it. Especially my new foundation brush. I swear the thing is made of unicorn hair or something. I’ve never had a foundation brush that blends so perfectly. They call it the airBrush, and it too is pure amazing. It also does double duty applying the cheek stain – hence the lack of big red dots on my face.

Did I really NEED any of this stuff? No. But sometimes you have to do something special for yourself and indulge a little to remember not everything in life is a total crap sandwich.

Be good to yourself.
Be good to others.
And remember, nothing goes better with a total crap sandwich like a margarita and a smile.

…and it has gotten me to thinking about movies I haven’t watched in a long time that need to be revisited.
On the list so far:

The Burbs
Fight Club
The Never Ending Story
The Cube
28 Days Later
Heathers
Ferris Buellers Day Off
A Trip To Bountiful
Reality Bites

Yes folks, I have trouble in my neighborhood. If only I was the Fresh Prince and had an uncle in Bel-Air to escape to when things turn sour. Uncle (any one of you), if you are reading this, get on it!

I’m not getting into it here. My debacle of 2011 has leached enough time and energy from me. Besides, drama is bullshit. And I think you have to treat it like an angry dog….no poking it with a stick. Avoid eye contact and get as far from it as possible as quickly as possible. But don’t run or it will chase you.

This is me, backing away slowly.

In my head that analogy made perfect sense…

Anyway.

My summer got a bit sidetracked and I’m still kinda sorting through the detritus.  Slowly but surely I think I’m turning the corner on the angry dog. Until then I’m distracting myself with shit-lit (chic-lit is just insulting) and junk food.

2011: the summer of  cream cheese and pain killers

Since putting Corn Dogs down I’ve been supplementing with Grimm’s Fairytails. A lot of the stories are familiar ones (Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, etc) but some I had never read or heard of. Most of them were only a few pages long and nowhere near as grim as the title would have you believe. All the tails are odd and seem to just stop mid thought and wrap everything up in a sentence or two. Probably something to do with them being written for kids. It’s been nice just leafing through and reading in bursts, but I’m ready to dive into a novel again.

So I went to the library and grabbed the first thing that looked interesting. I do this a lot at the library. There is a list of books I want to read and authors I enjoy, but somehow when I walk into a library my mind goes blank and all I can think is “books…burble…words…huh”. Sometimes the random grabs work out, sometimes not so much. Either way, I have something to read again!

The random grab: The Plague by Albert Camus. (I blame my recent stomach issues for drawing me to a book about disease.) Here is hoping it works out better than the Corn Dog book.

Also:
Working extra hours and spending vast amounts of time hunched over a production table with an exacto have rendered me nearly brain dead the last few days. My hands, shoulders and feet ache. I will be so freaking happy when this project is wrapped up and I can get back to some sort of normalcy.

Anyway…so I picked it up a while ago and kept it up for about a week before getting off track and going back to my hodge podge packed lunches of leftovers and whatever happened to be hanging around.

Last week I stumbled onto a site that was doing a 6 week bento challenge and decided to give it another go. If there is one thing I could use in my life its balance and portion control. After reading through the challenge I knew I wouldn’t make it through. It required a few hours a day and tons of research and pre-planning.I know me. I might get through the first week but would probably get burned out after that.

But not being into that challenge doesn’t mean I can’t get back into the bento thing! I just need to ease in a bit and learn as I go at a more reasonable pace. Hopefully this way I will be able to stick with it and make it a part of my daily life.

Here is my attempt at getting back on the bento horse…one of hopefully many bentos:

For breakfast there is yogurt with strawberries and a few oatmeal cereal squares. (not really a bento…but whatev)

Lunch is two small rice balls, sesame chicken with green onion, broccoli and grapes. The gaps are filled with raw veggies (carrots, green pepper, cabbage and radish) just to keep everything packed tightly together and separated. The idea is to keep everything in one box but not be a big shaken mess come lunch time (sesame grapes would be gross).

I’m also bringing two snacks along just in case, an apple and some pretzels. I know i don’t need them but better this than a trip to the vending machine if I get a case of the stress munchies.

Obviously presentation is something I need to work on. I figure it will get better once I get some of the cute accessories…and a whole lot of practice.

I’m not going to post every bento I make, but I think I might try to do like a weekly review of how its all going. It’ll be interesting to see how it progresses…and how well I keep up on it!

So, last night I decided to dye my hair. I had bought the dye weeks ago but wasn’t sure if I should do it or not. Around 11pm last night I decided to just go ahead and do it. But my better sense set in as I was perusing the directions and I decided to wait until today when I was more awake and wouldn’t eff it up.

This morning I woke up super early and couldn’t get back to sleep. Halfway through my first cup of coffee I decided I needed a shower. Then I remembered my plan to dye my hair. Since they say it’s better to dye your hair when it’s dirty it seemed only logical to just go ahead and get it done with.

Away I went. Half asleep, gloves on, coffee in one hand, hair dye in the other.

I’ve dyed my hair before (many times), but never when my hair was this long. So I was surprised when I used the entire bottle. Usually there is a bunch left over and I have to deal with disposing it without staining everything in my path. I figured it was a plus….easy disposal of empty bottle.

This was also the moment I started to think about what a waste of time this all was. I have brown hair that was left slightly rusty from a year of going red. The dye was really just to even out the brown and get it back to my natural color. I figured I would rinse it out and not be able to tell I had even done anything. Oh well…at least hair dye makes my hair super shiny!

As I stood fuming up my bathroom I realized this down time was the perfect time to start my french lessons. (Hello, if I’m moving to Paris for 6 months I better learn the language!) I know, super productive for early Sunday morning right?! Pat on the back to me.

About ten minutes into the lesson it struck me I had no idea how long the dye had been in my hair. Oops. So I did the only thing I could…I guessed. I figured it would be like baking, if I started to sizzle it was probably time to rinse. Anyway…I guessed and gave it another 15. How much harm could a few extra minutes do anyway?

After rinsing and conditioning and repeating I stepped out of the shower and checked out the results. Black. Yup. As it turns out a few extra minutes will take a medium to dark brown straight into 90′s goth me mode. Ugh. Oh well. It wasn’t too bad. And dye fades. Not that big a deal. At least I couldn’t complain that it wasn’t noticeable!

I fully admit that after drying it I had no motivation to feck with it any further and proceeded to pull it up into a ponytail. And that is how it stayed all day. Up up and outta the way.

About half an hour ago I pulled out the ponytail and was finger combing through it when I noticed something odd. A reddish patch. Oops again. Guess I missed a piece even though I used every drop the kit came with. It seemed like a small piece so I figured no big deal…but I went to the bathroom mirror just to be sure.

Not good.

There is a fairly large patch of hair that doesn’t seem to have been hit with the same level of dye the rest of my head was. Awesome. And I discover this as I’m heading to bed to get a good night rest before launching into a new week. Frick. Frick. Frick.

It would seem I have two choices:

1) Leave it patchy and go with the whole “I’m too punk rock to care” thing (I’m not entirely sure I can pull this off)

2) Stop at the store after work tomorrow, buy more dye and try to fix the damage. (how bad is it to re-dye hair the very next day…especially when you may have accidentally left the initial batch on a bit too long?) (this is gonna end well, I can feel it)

At this point I’m not sure which way I will go. Regardless, I’m pretty sure I will have my hair up at work tomorrow until I can get a second party to weigh in on the situation. It’s hard to see the back of your head no matter how many mirrors you use.

If you see a post next week about the how cruel the world is to bald chicks, you will know what happened.

Ugh. Oh well, at least I tried.

This is my life. And yes, it makes me laugh…a lot. And no, oddly I’m not that upset. It’s just hair and I’ve done far worse damage before this. I mean honestly…I had bangs once!

Maybe I can just go with calling it calico…the ultimate cat lady look for ladies that are allergic to cats and tend to prefer dogs.

I realized that it had been a long time since I really let go of all my sensible ways and allowed myself to dream big. And I don’t mean winning the lottery or finding the means to independent wealth (though I wouldn’t be apposed to either.) I’m talking about something else…

Way back when I used to be a total dreamer. It seemed completely logical to me that one could drop whatever it was they were doing and spend a year traveling the world (for example)…without thought as to how one would actually fund such a trip. The how’s and why’s just never crossed my mind. It was all just possibilities…

But lately, my dreams are a lot more down to earth.

Reasonable.

Doable.

Crap.

Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with having sensible goals. With knowing you want something and working towards it. But those are goals, not dreams. There is a difference. You start with a dream…and turn it into a goal. When you’re just daydreaming about all the possibilities, there shouldn’t be limits.

It wasn’t a conscious decision to become so sensible and logical (for those that know me and snickered at me calling myself logical…stfu). It just sorta happened over the years. Being a grown up takes it outta if you aren’t careful. So, I’ve decided I’m taking the dreamer back. It’s time to cut loose and allow myself the liberty to dream big. Without regard as to how’s and why’s and without any thought as to the likelihood that these dreams are impossible.

And on that note…

I’M GOING TO MOVE TO PARIS FOR 6 MONTHS!! (someday…)

Smile big y’all. Anything is possible.

1. Cologne and perfume should be outlawed at the gym. Especially that axe bullshit. Ugh.

2. The YMCA playing Highway to Hell will never NOT make me laugh

3. Sports bras are not shirts

4. on that note…when you cut the sleeves off your shirt to the point I can see your bellybutton it no longer qualifies as a shirt

5. There are a ton of people that work out in denim. Uh…ouch. Why would you do that?

6. Letting your children play in the workout area is beyond not cool. Esp when there is free child care downstairs

7. I can’t help but laugh when people scream things like “come on”  “I got this” and even just loud grunting. It happens all the time

8. Having individual tvs with headphone jacks on each piece of cardio equipment is so awesome. I can’t tell you how much I don’t miss working out to the communal tvs that always seemed to be showing Food Network or sports.

I’ve also noticed that I’m totally out of shape. While I’ve progressed a ton since signing up at the gym, the progress has slowed if not stopped. I really need to put in some extra time and really start pushing myself. For starters, it would help if I actually went on a regular basis instead of just a few times a week. This isn’t all about looks or loosing weight either. It’s about getting stronger, going further and accomplishing more. I haven’t felt that push in a while. At the same time just showing up to the gym is rough sometimes.

This weekend I went out in search of new nail polish and was once again dismayed by the offerings of OPI. They seem a bit obsessed with this shattered nonsense. I bought it a while ago, and generally liked it. But it’s sorta novelty polish and I got tired of it pretty quick. Since that was pretty much all I was finding in the OPI section I moved on.

Essie has a cute new french inspired line, but they all seem like colors I already own or wouldn’t really get much wear out of as I don’t do pastel as a general rule. So on I moved…and found this:

Nothing says summer is coming the way day-glow does! I love this color It made my nails look like they were painted with a highlighter. But I’m kinda glad I picked it after lopping off all my nails. I don’t think this much bright would work with really long nails. Also, it turns out matte finish polish looks weird on toes. What is fun and funky on fingers jut looks busted and old on toes. Nothing a top coat can’t fix.

This is my first bottle of Zoya polish and I have to say I’m pretty impressed. This is part of their new summer line “Mod Matte” called Mitzi. I tried an OPI matte polish a few years ago and hated it. I loved the finish, but it chipped almost instantly. I’ve had this on for almost a full day now and it seems to be holding strong, though the natural oils from my skin and lotion are shining up the matte finish just a bit.

All these great choices of polish. I feel this summer is going to come with a whole lot of polish changes. Which reminds me…I am WAY over due to sort through my polish bin and toss the stuff that’s old. Old polish goes on crappy and chips a lot sooner. But it’s a good thing, I’m going to need the room

PS – my nails are so effing bright and happy now!

I’ve always been told that you either love Bukowski, or you hate him. There is no middle ground. While I get what people mean when they say this, I think for me it was closer to loving to hate him.

The book is fairly autobiographical of the authors younger years…and his life was not an easy one. He grew up tough, the ultimate outsider. And while I think we can all relate to that on some level, it’s a bit tougher to relate to someone (for me anyway) so uninterested in finding happiness. This books gives the impression that Bukowski gave up on the idea at a very early age.

Bitter and angry at the world (for good reason) Bukowski seemed to move through this portion of his life doing anything in his power to be as mean and aggressive as was in his power. Like I said, it isn’t necessarily without reason. The guy had it rough. And I really wanted to like the character. To relate to him. But I couldn’t, and I’m not entirely sure I was supposed to. Or anyone was supposed to for that matter.

At the same time I really appreciate the honesty and intensity that Bukowski puts out there. He says it as he sees it and feels it, without the need to fluff it up in anyway. It’s powerful and touching somehow if not somewhat frustrating and completely unnerving.

A lot of people compare this book to Catcher in the Rye. As I wasn’t a huge fan of that book and don’t really remember too much about it I wont really comment. But having just recently read Hesse’s Stepenwolf I couldn’t help but see some parallels between the two. Both were written about characters almost completely removed from society. The intensity of loathing for both themselves and the world around them seemed to follow the same grain. But while Hesse’s character searched for answers and a deeper understanding of himself, Bukowski seems content to numb himself and travel further and further from a need for explanation or understanding. Content to just exist in the most removed way possible.

So, would I recommend this book? I think I have to. I mean Bukowski is one of the most iconic writers of our times. How can you not at least check it out and see what all the hype is about. At the same time, I have no doubt that there will be a lot of people that can’t relate to it in anyway and will be completely turned off by it.

I’m not going to immediately pick up another Bukowski book, but I know this will not be the last of his books that I read. I think I just need a little time out before exploring further.

Next up: Tooth Imprints On A Corndog by Mark Leyner
I have NO IDEA what this book is about but it has corndog in the title so I’m hopeful for something a bit more lighthearted and humorous.

I’ll start with the author’s description:

“This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as nontraditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank . . . If that’s the sort of thing you think you might enjoy, then you have happened upon the perfect story!”

That is being nice. This book is down right raunchy. But not in a bodice ripping smut novel kinda way. The raunch is really the platform for the humor. A way to take a tragic comedy and flip it around on it’s ass…or in this case, it’s codpiece. In any case, I’m a fan of Christopher Moore and like pretty much everything of his I’ve read. So I really liked this book. It isn’t my favorite of his, but it’s definitely up there.

There are hidden meanings and agenda’s in all his books. Some profound, most just snarky. This one falls somewhere in between. I would say it’s a slap to the face of Shakespeare and the class system in general. It’s basically a rewrite of King Lear told through the perspective of someone who likes to say the “f” word a lot.

I give it two thumbs up because it is, in fact the kind of thing I enjoy from time to time. Sometimes it’s nice to pick up a book that isn’t exceptionally emotional and is written more to entertain than to change lives and enlighten the reader.

If this is your type of thing, but you want something slightly less raunchy you might want to pick up Moore’s book A Dirty Job. It is equally funny, but far less insulting for those that don’t appreciate vulgarity quite so much.
Next up: Ham on Rye by Charles Bukowski
Part of me thinks I’ve read this before, but I can’t remember. I checked it out from the library so I figure if it all starts coming back to me in chapter two I can just swap it out for a different one. I do know I read a Bukowski book many years ago and only kinda liked it. But I’ve also been discovering that things I didn’t like or relate to years ago are now starting to become some of my favorite things. Yeah, I’m old now. It happens. So I’m either giving it another shot, or picking it up for the first time. Either way…I’ll let you know how it goes.