Disciples of Bloggism

We've Moved!

2010-01-31T15:44:00.001-08:00

We are now located at www.disciplesofbloggism.com! Please update your bookmarks and visit us there!

Alpha Omega Elite. Supergate II. Superyard XT.

2010-01-31T01:11:00.000-08:00

Alpha Omega Elite. Supergate II. Superyard XT.

What do these names bring to mind?

A : Some futuristic device?

B : Safety products for children?

If you guessed "A", you'd be wrong.

The Alpha Omega Elite appears to be some form of restraint system for use with small children. We have no idea why it's called this. I would, however, purchase this if someone said "You too can protect your childw ith the Alpha Omega Elite". I wouldn't even ask what it did, I'd buy it. Is there a regular Alpha Omega? If there were, I wouldn't want to buy it if the "Elite" version was out there.

Next we have the "Supergate III". We couldn't find Supergates I and II, so we assume they were total failures. But Supergate III must be good... right? What does it do? Does it keep Superman in? Or out? Does that mean it's made of Kryponite? I don't think'd want my kids exposed to that...

And to round out the triumverate of awesomely named children's restraints we have:

Now, the Superyard XT (We assume the "XT" stands for "Xtrememly Terrifying"). It appears to be a playpen of some sort, but why is it "Super"? Does it contain the Superfriends? Does it make your yard award winning? And why the XT? The box itself brings up many questins, I wonder what it'd be like to set up.

Anyone have any other awesomely named products to share? If so send them our way!

disciples.of.bloggism@gmail.com

Beer Reviews - Acai Berry Wheat and St. Peter's Cream Stout

2010-01-28T21:56:00.000-08:00

Acai Berry Wheat - Eel River Brewing Company, CA

When Rob and I saw this in the beer aisle at our local Fred Meyer, we were both pretty skeptical. Fruit beers are pretty hit-or-miss in my experience, and the acai berry has a pretty potent taste. In case you're not familiar with this particular fruit, go to your local grocer or drug store: Acai berry products are all over the place, usually marketed as a dietary supplement. Some people claim some pretty outrageous stuff about this little purple berry, but whether or not it's a panacea superfood, it definitely has a unique taste (and they're high in antioxidants, too!).

With all this in mind, I was concerned that an acai flavored wheat beer might be overpoweringly strong. Nevertheless, we decided to be adventuresome and picked up a couple bottles. My conclusion? This stuff is actually pretty damn good! It smells very fruity, more like juice than beer, which did nothing to allay my fears that the taste might be overwhelmingly foul, but it is actually much milder on the tongue than it is on the nose. It definitely tastes like a wheat beer, with only a very subtle flavoring of acai as well - less acai taste than I imagined. There is a lingering aftertaste that is somewhat bitter, but generally speaking the beer goes down quickly and smoothly, and was thoroughly enjoyable. I think this might be one of my new favorite fruit beers!

Andrew's recommendation: Try it! 4.5/5 berries.

St. Peter's Cream Stout - St. Peter's Brewery, Suffolk, UK

The second beer we purchased was much less adventuresome than the first - a simple cream stout. I've seen the very attractive St. Peter's bottles in stores before, but this was my first time ever tasting one. Although I had never tried an acai berry beer in the past, I have had plenty of cream stouts, so I had a particular set of expectations which I brought to the table here. In general, I think that Rob and I got what we expected with the St. Peter's - not a bad beer by any means, but nothing very revolutionary.

The stout was very smooth, as most cream stouts are, with very little aftertaste. As a matter of fact, the beer went down so smoothly it was almost easy to forget you had drunk it upon swallowing. "Like a ninja in your mouth," or "a hooker in the night" were the operative phrases we were throwing around - it went down quickly and all but disappeared once it left your tongue. There was a slight taste of toasted chocolate one might expect from any stout, but what grabbed our attention the most about this particular beer was the strong whiskey-like taste at the front. As the beer entered my mouth, I could almost swear I was taking a sip of rye whiskey, which, although it surprised me, was not an unwelcome experience. There are definitely some interesting things going on here, but all-in-all the beer was underwhelming.

Andrew's review: 3.5/5

Robert's review: 4/5

Food Review : Flavour Spot 5/5 Tacos

2010-01-26T13:40:00.000-08:00

Sweet, Sweet Flavour.

Flavour Spot is one of the many, many, food carts that dot the Portland foodscape. In addition to serving great "Dutch Taco's" (more in a sentence or two), they also spell "Flavour" correctly! But onto their food...

Hey baby, want a Dutch Waffle?

The, so-called Dutch Taco is not a sexual position as one might think (Google it, you know you want to). Instead, it is a Waffle, with none of the normal toppings added. Instead of the usual syrup or sugar or chocolate, they have instead opted to cover it with ham and cheese! Their regular "Dutch Taco" has ham and chedder cheese, but you can pay another .50 cents and get Gouda... which sounds delicious.

A lemon pie waffle? Which is it?..

In addition to this Taco, the 'Spot also provides many other delicious offerings. Unfortunately they did not have any spare menu's, but I did get a photo! Notice such offerings as the S"Mores Waffle... or the Maple Pecan. The one that I am particularly curious about is the "MB9" (second up on the left). It has 6 pieces of Canadian Bacon, and 3 strips of "regular" bacon... does that sound delicious or what? They also had a special going on, which, sounded quite special! (roast beef.. on a waffle!) In addition to their Tacos, they also offer drinks, such as milkshakes and, I'm pretty sure, coffee.

And don't forget the t-shirts saying "I eat food".

When to visit.

You can visit the Flavour Spot at :

2310 N Lombard St
Portland, OR 97217

(503) 289-9866

www.flavourspot.com

Game Review: Unreal Tournament 3

2010-01-20T18:45:00.000-08:00

Unreal Tournament 3 for the Xbox 360 - 4/5

Unreal Tournament is a "love it or hate it" franchise. For gamers looking for lots and lots... and lots... of shooting, exploding, fragging, and all-around mayhem, these games are among the best in the genre. Unreal took the gaming world by storm with it was initially released in 1999, and there have been a steady supply of sequels updating the graphics, gameplay, arsenals, and the like - meaning this is one of the most reproduced and updated game franchises out there, especially in the first-person-shooter genre. Rob and I picked up Unreal Tournament 3 for our new Xbox 360 the other day, the latest in the series. No, it's not the third Unreal game, but actually the eighth - the games are "numbered" differently according to the graphics engine they utilize, and thus this game is merely the third in the franchise to use the latest iteration of the Unreal rendering software... get it? Unreal Tournament 3 comes directly after Unreal Tournament 2004, but is actually #8 in the Unreal series. Now that that's cleared up...

Fans of the previous Unreal games should find much familiar ground here, enough to make the learning curve very small, if not non-existant. Players new to the series may take a little time getting used to the controls, different game types, and so on, but most of the content should be familiar to anyone who has played a shooter before - run around, shoot enemies, occasionally capture a flag or two. What sets Unreal apart from its competitors is a very smooth and fast gameplay experience and a lot of multiplayer support: This is a great game to play with a few of your friends, online or on the couch. One of the best, period.

Interestingly, UT3 has a Campaign or "Story" mode that moves away from the classic arena-style shoot-em-up game experience of Unreal games in the past. The fast-paced and relentless multiplayer modes are still there, but for some reason the game developers decided that players might be interested in the backstory behind these bloodbaths. I'm not sure I see eye-to-eye with the creators on this point, especially considering how... thin... the story seems to be. Suffice it to say it involes lots of flag capturing and tries humorously to explain the concept of respawning in combat, aided apparently by the help of little technological advancements call "respawners." No really, that's what they're called. And there's something about an alien invasion, I think... to be honest, I don't think anyone is ever going to care about the half-assed story behind the carnage. We just want to shoot each other... over and over again. And really, that's all the fans of Unreal have ever wanted.

Did I mention that one of the major NPCs talks like he's straight out of a 1980s rap video?

The plotline aside, I would recommend that one play through the Campaign mode before jumping into multiplayer, especially if you've never played an UT game before. And if you don't like the online scene, or don't have any friends to play with, there's always the "Instant Action" mode where you can pick a map, gametype, and gameplay modifiers (called mutators), and play against up to 15 computer controlled bots.

The graphics are nice, but not as nice as some other 360 shooters I've seen. It doesn't help matters that the screen is usually very busy during gameplay, with very visually distracting levels and tons of bullets flying across the screen 90% of the time. The game engine does allow for a very smooth experience, however, and once you condition your eyes and your trigger fingers you'll be getting Killing Streaks left and right.

We have yet to exhaust all the content, but I would imagine that once you've completed the Campaign, single-player or co-op, there would be a high amount of replay value, because there are several difficulty levels, each tier increasing the intelligence of the bot AI. A variety of gametypes and continued support on Xbox Live ensures a long replay life for multiplayer gaming, as well. All in all, a solid title, as long as you know what you're getting into: An epic story, this is not - this is blood, guts, and flak cannons, pure and simple. 4/5 nukes.

Xbox Adventures

2010-01-19T15:54:00.000-08:00

The Xbox 360 is to gamers what the Ferrari is to car enthusiasts. The graphics are amazing, and the feature it offers are really cool (watching movies through it, Netflix, linking your computer to it). Not to mention it has some really, really good titles (Halo, Gears of War etc). The only downside compared to a PS3 is that there is no Blu-Ray player, and to be honest, I don't really care about Blu-Ray right now... especially since the TV we have is 20 years old. But moving on.

And now our tale begins...

Having finally decided to get an Xbox 360 we ventured out to purchase one. Figuring that it would cost the same everywhere (MSRP for the Elite is 299.99, for the Arcade it's 199.99) we went to Fred Meyers to purchase one. First, a little about the differences between the two. The Elite comes in Black (it looks cool!) and has a 120gb internal hard drive. This allows you to download content from online, save more games etc. It is also backwards compatible with more games than the Arcade. The Arcade, through cheap, only comes with 256mb of internal memory, which doesn't allow you to do too much as far as downloads go, plus, it's white... not nearly as badass as black.

Fred Meyers, or Freddies, being the closest store, we drove down and spoke to a clerk about getting one. We asked a few questions about the differences between the Arcade and the Elite, including whether or not the heat sink (keeps the machine cool so it doesn't overheat) is bigger on the Elite. This led to the Associate hunting down someone else, who had some.. interesting.. ideas on how to cool a 360. First he recommended that we mount it vertical and put a cheap desk fan blowing up through it. That, being the cheapest way, seemed simple enough. Then he told us about some guy who used liquid Nitrogen to cool his xbox, which seems very expensive. Then we went to liquid hydrogen, followed by dry ice. All of that to answer the question "Does the elite have a bigger heat sink?".

Somehow this also has a plot line...

So we purchased a 360, along with a second black controller and a new copy of Unreal Tournament. Then we went home and had a grand olde tyme opening it up and turning it on. I gotta say, it was qutie exciting opening the box and plugging it in. Setup was a snap, very reminiscant of setting up a Wii (the other 7th gen console I've played). Then we popped in Unreal and blew each other up for several hours, but only after about an hour trying to figure out how to play. Not a bad game, we'll have a review for you all on that one later.

He looked exactly like this... but not red...

The next day we ventured out (after another 6 or so hours of gaming) to find use a gift card to get more games. This is where things get... odd. The Associate at Fred Meyers assured us that we wouldn't find a better deal on a 360 in town (I asked specifically if he could throw anything in or if they had any specials, they had none). Then we got to GameStop and we saw this.

Freddies LIED!

They were having a special, running from January 16th through the 21st. They give you a $50 gift card for every 360 Elite you buy. Now that sounds like a MUCH better deal than what Freddie's had. I took several photo's of the fliers (they had no paper copies), and got a business card from the employee there. Aside from research we also picked up a copy of Gears of War for 9.99 and Ghost Recon : Advanced Warfighter 2 (we had played the original Ghost Recons and loved them) for 4.99.

Here's the proof!

Freddies has a policy that if you would like to return an item, you may do so for any reason within 30 days. They also do price matching. So we went home, unplugged our new Xbox, got the receipt and went back to Freddies. I told the guy at customer service what happened (we found a better deal, and had pictures and a phone number about it) and asked if they could match it. He called his boss, who said that unless we had a paper copy of the ad, they wouldn't match the deal.

I hate math...

Now lets do a bit of math. We had purchase $349.99 worth of gear at Freddies (an Xbox + controller). We were going to return it all unless they matched the deal Gamestop had (a $50 gift card). So all-in-all they'd be out $50. Instead they lost our business, we returned the Xbox and the controller (they're out $349.99), and they now cannot sell that Xbox since it is "used" (it will get returned to Microsoft, refurbished and sent to be sold as "Used"). Instead of keeping two happy customers, Freddies decided to inconvience (having to drive everywhere and lose all our saved game data) AND lost $350 in sales. Very weird.

The devil.. I know.. but they have great deals!

We went back to Gamestop and bought an Xbox there (we're out $299.99 again). Then we bought a used controller, and 2 additional games (Halo 3, and Gears of War 2 : Collectors Edition). The sales clerk also hooked us up with The Edge, which gets us 10% off used stuff and 10% more when we trade it (cost us 14.95, but saved us 8 bucks and got us a subscription to a sub-par magazine). Our total, including all that was only $333. Notice how that's $16 LESS than Freddies price. I know that I've ranted about Game Stop and it's buy back practices (Halo : ODST new is 59.99, used it's 54.99... wow, GREAT deal).

I sense an Xbox flu coming on...

After we scurried home we hooked up our new, new Xbox, and played Halo 3 until we went blind. Well, not that bad, but we stayed up until we beat it on "normal" (which is actually quite easy..) And so concludes the Xbox adventure. Let this serve as a cautionary tale to all, always check around for good deals... otherwise you might lose your save files and waste time trying to convince an associate to match a competitors deal (not to mention listen to theories on how to cool something down...).

Food Review : Swirl Frozen Yogurt 4/5

2010-01-12T20:22:00.001-08:00

A newcomer to the Hawthorne food world, Swirl frozen yogurt, tries to bring the magic of "fro yo" to Portland from it's native home of San Francisco. They do quite a good job, actually. My biggest complaint is that they do not have any cones (to be fair the guy there said they didn't have them "yet"). But still, being forced to eat fro yo out of a cup is like being forced to drink beer from a warm glass. But moving on.

Sweet, sweet fro yo...

They sell their fro yo by the ounce, at the low low rate of .45 cents an ounce. This is a great feature, since you can get as much or as little as you like. This price includes their toppings too, which range from almonds to peanut butter to raspberries and fresh fruit. The flavours of the fro yo are also quite ranged. My chocolate and pistacio fro yo was delicious. They also had banana, vanilla, peanut butter and several others I completely forgot about.

Their instructions are also quite easy to understand. Grab a cup and dispense yogurt. Add toppings. Weight and pay. Pretty simple, eh? I am a sucker for "fro yo", so check this place out if you have the time! And I also hate the term "fro yo".

If you'd like to visit Swirl and get some of your own "fro yo" check them out on Hawthorne at the corner of Hawthorne at 35th!

Andy's Movie Review of the Week (4)

2010-01-11T18:17:00.001-08:00

Well, I've been bad about keeping up with these supposedly weekly movie reviews. However, after seeing The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus in the theater yesterday, I was inspired to put my feelings about the film into writing. I have never walked out of a movie before, but during Parnassus last night I came very close - the only thing keeping me in my seat was the realization that I couldn't speak fairly of the movie if I didn't watch the entire thing, from beginning to end. So, with that, I feel comfortable giving this film the following review:

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus - *½ / *****

Parnassus is the latest film from director Terry Gilliam, of Monty Python fame. Gilliam is certainly a unique director, creating such visionary feats as Brazil, Time Bandits, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Twelve Monkeys, and one of my personal favorites, the very faithful and trippy adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. In his Python days, Gilliam was primarily responsible for the fantastic and whimsical animation which was often used as filler in between live skits, and he carried this imaginative and psychedelic style into his film career.

Though Terry Gilliam's movies are visually striking and creative, they often suffer from a lack of narrative cohesion and clarity, especially when the inspiration springs mainly from the mind of Gilliam himself. In the past, this naive, wandering creativity has not lessened the quality of the director's efforts, and has even added a layer of innocent mystery to his cinematic fantasies. However, in most of his previous films, the meandering of the story and chaotic effects have been counterbalanced by fine acting and very clever screenwriting - and Gilliam is able to keep us interested while he dazzles us with his dramatic visuals. These qualities of acting and writing are unfortunately absent in Parnassus, leaving the poor viewer with a curious but hollow mess of a film. It is a potentially interesting idea executed very poorly.

The film tells the tale of Dr. Parnassus (Christopher Plummer), a centuries-old storyteller who made a bet with the devil (portrayed by Tom Waits) in which he won immortality. Parnassus and his troupe travel around performing a stage act in which audience members are invited to take a journey into fantastical imaginary worlds with the aid of a magical mirror. When someone steps into the mirror, she is transported to a world of her dreams, where she is guided by the doctor's influence to a point of decision: She must choose between two paths, the long, arduous road to virtue, or the short and easy decent into vice. Due to another deal with the devil in years past which won Parnassus the heart of a beautiful young woman, the mystical doctor now owes the prince of hell his only daughter, Valentina (Lily Cole), on her rapidly approaching sixteenth birthday. However, Gilliam's devil cannot resist the urge to gamble, and makes Parnassus another wager: He will spare Valentina if the doctor can manage to save five souls (by guiding them to choose the virtuous path) before the devil can corrupt the same number.

The doctor's traveling troupe is rounded out by a young rogue named Anton (Andrew Garfield), and a dwarf who goes by the name of Percy, portrayed by Hollywood's go-to short man, Verne Troyer. As they make their way through the streets of London, the gang happens upon Heath Ledger's Tony, a man with a mysterious past who joins the traveling show and attempts to win the heart of the virginal Valentina, much to the chagrin of Anton. This film was, of course, Ledger's last - he died before filming had even been completed. Due to this unfortunate fact, production was halted while the remaining scenes with Tony were recast with Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell- who stand in for Ledger in various mirror-inspired fantasies, so as (supposedly) not to break the continuity of the viewing experience.

However, my viewing experience was hardly one of continuity - the only elements which remained constant throughout the film were the horribly unfortunate acting of most of the cast, Troyer especially, and the abominable screenplay which is senseless when it's not excruciatingly bad. The story is obtuse and pointless at best, with a script that made me physically cringe several times in the theater. Did I mention that Verne Troyer can't act? This might be his worst role; I cannot fathom how anyone could deliver lines with less passion or worse comedic timing. Although, to be fair to Troyer, a third-grader could have written better dialogue.

Perhaps the strangest thing about Parnassus is the fact that the whole film seems like a thinly-veiled morality play for the virtues of the religious Right. We're presented with a black and white, Manichean duality between good and evil, where every earthly inhabitant must choose to abstain from sinful acts or else fall under Satan's spell and be damned for eternity to Hell. Through obvious symbolism, heavy-handed dialogue, and clumsy turning points in the plot, Gilliam is basically warning us not to drink, smoke, lie, gamble, or engage in premarital sex. Watch for the signs, they're all there - each of these vices is covered, with the implication that should we choose to engage in any of these activities the devil will have us by the balls, so to speak. And then there's my favorite line in the whole film: "It's a child, not a choice!" Real subtle.

And considering that the film's main selling point (besides the fact that it was Ledger's final movie) is supposed to be it's imaginative and stimulating visual effects, I have to admit I was thoroughly underwhelmed by the quality of the CG effects throughout. When Tom Waits turned into a giant snake I couldn't help but snicker - I've seen better computer graphics in 10-year old films. How can a director in this day and age get away with such shoddy workmanship - especially when so many people were eagerly anticipating the movie. It's unfortunate that Ledger's final role couldn't have been his portrayal of the Joker in The Dark Knight. Although the writing and directing in that film also irked me to no end, Ledger's performance easily made the experience worthwhile, and it was a much more memorable role than any to come out of this steaming pile of cinematic waste.

Coffee Review : Blenz Coffee in Horseshoe Bay 5/5 Beanz

2010-01-03T01:00:00.000-08:00

Blenz is the Canadian answer to Starbucks. I would like to say it is a better answer than Starbucks to whatever question you happen to be asking. Maybe it's the rebellious spirit, or the fact that they were in Horseshoe Bay first, but whatever the reason, they draw a good coffee. Or, in my case, a decaf americano. I know, a bit wussy, but it is good coffee. It has a nice body (not too big though), and a thick taste, not like drinking coloured water.

The coffee shop at the end of to bay.

This particular Blenz sits on the waterfront and is a last stop of sorts before the ferry to Bowen Island, Nanaimo, or the Sunshine Coast (at least I think that's where they go). It has a wonderful view of the bay, and a backdrop of mountains, something not every coffee shop can claim.

The view out the front door.

But onto the coffee. They have the standard allotment of coffee drinks, then several that I haven't seen anywhere else. They use a Belgium chocolate for the hot cocoa and mochas, and it is certainly something special. Much richer and more flavourful than what one has come to expect from such drinks. They also have an extensive collection of loose-leaf teas, which you may either enjoy in the shop or bring home to enjoy later. These are no second class remnants, it's actual tea!

mm... pasteries. and sandwhiches... and cookies...

And then there's food. Everything from rice krispie treats to sandwhiches to cup cakes. Any and everything one would desire to pair with their delicious coffee or tea or chocolate based beverage. They also have several hot options, sausage rolls and others that are a great snack.

And then there's the atmosphere. The seating area is a bit oddly shaped, there is a triangular table in the middle which is a bit weird, but there is a bar in front of all the windows, which is a great place to watch the ferries come and go. It's even more exciting / terrifying when they crash through the marina.

Overall, worth the trouble of visiting if you're in the area. If you're not, find a reason to visit West Vancouver and come watch the ferries for a while.

Visit the Horseshoe Bay Blenz at 6334 Bay Street, West Vancouver, V7W 2G9. Or on the phone at 604-922-3776.

Beer Review : English Bay Pale Ale by Granville Island Brewery 2/5 Islands

2009-12-31T01:00:00.000-08:00

Today I got to try another Pale Ale. I find it to be more along the lines of an every day beer, as opposed to one you would choose to enjoy on special occasions. Would be a great hot summer day kinda beer. I don't think it helps that's today is cold, cloudy and wintery.... It's not bad as a Pale Ale goes, but I'm generally a darker beer kinda guy.. It lacks a deep body, although it does have some nice on the front end of the drink. It tapers off towards the end, with a bit of watery taste.

Fortunately it doesn't taste like this...

Brewed by Granville Island Brewery in Vancouver BC. www.gib.ca. Or, visit them in real life!

1441 Cartwright Street, Vancouver, BC V6H 3R7

info@gib.ca for more info, or 604.687.BREW (2739)

Random Item of the Day

2009-12-29T15:20:00.001-08:00

I found these wandering around vancouver. It's a "Toy Bricks Set".... that looks remarkably like a Lego set. Although i'm sure it doesn't cost as much as real Legos do. A quick scan of the Toys "R" Us site shows several Lego sets at over $120. I've heard of some sets costing over $600. Which is insane. But, then again, some guy is locked in a room somewhere with lots of coffee and a pile of Lego's designing the darned things.

Some other fun factoids about Lego:
The produce roughly 600 pieces a second.

Worn-out molds are encased in the foundations of buildings to prevent them from falling into competitors' hands.

The former is just crazy, and the latter seems a tad paranoid...

Can't sleep... molds are gonna get me...

Random Item of the Day

2009-12-29T15:20:00.000-08:00

Not as much of a random item, more of a ripoff! I found these toys in a Dollar store in Vancouver BC. They're obvious ripoffs... lets see if you can figure out what they're ripping off...

Here we have "Air Battle" and "Land Battle". Look familiar? Unfortunately there wasn't a "Sea Battle". I wonder why... Oh, right, that product already exists!

Close enough.

Moving on. The rules for "Air Battle" are as follows...

Object of the Game :
To Destroy your opponent's hidden plane fleet (four planes).

To Play the Game:
1. Each player secretly puts his own 4 planes either horizontally or vertically inside his own sky grid. After the player placed all planes on the sky grid he cannot change the position of his planes anymore.

2 Each player calls out one shot on his turn turn and aims at one position of his opponent's sky gird by using a letter and a number (e.g. D6)

3. After your opponent fires a shot, you must immediately tell his whether his shot has hit or not. If his shot is a hit, mark your own sky grid with a red peg and declare which plane is hit. Otherwise mark your sky grid with a green peg.

4. The player who fires the shot records the result on his target grid using a red peg for a hit and green peg for a miss.

5. When all holes of a plane have been hit, the plane is shot down and it will be removed from the sky grid.

6. The first player who destroys all his opponent's planes (totally 12 holes) will be the winner of the game.

I love the "Totally 12 holes" part. No, that isn't a typo. That's just what it says. I didn't get the rules for "Land Battle", but I'm willing to bet they're the same...

Things to Do in an Airport

2009-12-29T15:18:00.000-08:00

So you're stuck in the airport with three hours before your flight takes off because of increased security. Or maybe someone just had a bad burrito for lunch. Whatever the reason, you're required to be there. What can you do to pass the time? With the new security measures in place, you can't bring any carry-on's, so rule out books, magazines, or any other traditional distraction, except maybe your laptop if you get lucky. That leaves you with...

1. Write a blog entry. Use this time to update your friends, colleagues, and random strangers on your life. Or on whats going on in the airport. Did you know that flight 87 is now on final call?

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, but now that I have the time...

2. Go through security for several times just to get pat down. Gives you a bit of exercise, lets you meet new and exciting people (like that family of seven from Nebraska visiting great Auntie Izzie). And hey, some of these guys are pretty friendly... maybe a bit too friendly...

Sir, i'm going to have to ask you to remove your pants.

3. As the clerks in every store how much everything costs. Everything. Because hey, they're just as bored as you are. Their job is to stand there and watch people not buy things since they can't put them anywhere. Seems like a sweet job until you realize they have to stand there all day.

"What? No I don't work today, I'm playing hockey at two."

4. Count the tiles in the bathroom. When all else fails, go lay down in the restroom and count the tiles on the ceiling. Once you're got an accurate count, give them all names.

There's jim and.. uh.. alex.. no.. dammit!

Airport Secutiry Solutions

2009-12-28T17:06:00.000-08:00

So with the recent (over) reaction to the Christmas Day "underwear" bomber, I'd like to propose some solutions to the problems associated with flying.

Your 2nd grade teacher must accompany you on your flight and verify your ID. Because who knows you better than Mrs. Wilson?

You can trust little Johnny.

Everyone flies naked. This way, no one can hide anything! Then again, no one can hide anything... Maybe they'll give you a discount on eye bleach.

Keep your elbows, knees and... appendages out of the isle please!

Hands above the table for the whole flight. Cause then not one can do anything 'cept play footsie. Pretend it's a roller coaster ride that lasts for 5 hours.

Wave your hands in the ayyer, wave 'em like you just done cayyer.

Government issued pajamas. Sure, they'll be made of asbsetos, cost $500 a pair, take fifteen years to develop and be one size fits all, but again, nothing to hide...

Don't the kids looks great in their matching, cancer ridden PJ's?

Take the train. Because you can't fly a train into anything ever. As Ali G found out.

Amtrak may suck, but at least no cavity searches.

A Sign of the Impending Zombie Apocolypse?

2009-12-27T00:35:00.000-08:00

While at a popular bookstore the other day, I couldn't help but notice an interesting trend while perusing the New Fiction table. See if you can spot it:

Need a hint? Here's the same photo with some red circles to help:

Still need some help figuring it out? Notice how it says "New" fiction hardcovers on that little black sign there. Amazingly, the authors of all three of the circled books are dead! To be honest, I think the authors of at least a couple other books on the table are deceased too, but at a glance I only noticed the three. Let's see just what they are.

Book 1: The Gathering Storm by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson

The Gathering Storm is the latest in a long-running epic fantasy series known as The Wheel of Time. The first volume of the series was released in 1990, and the latest, published this October, was #12. The brainchild of James Oliver Rigney, Jr., writing under the pen name Robert Jordan, the series is known for its length, girth, breadth, size, mass, wordcounts, and weight. Originally intended as a 6-book series, Jordan soon realized that the story he set out to tell could not be wrapped up in six volumes, due in part to his long-winded writing style and the massive scope of the complex plotlines he had created in the first three or four novels. He soon doubled his estimate, intending to end the series in twelve novels. Volume eleven was published in 2005, after which Jordan promised his faithful readers that the next book in the series would be the last, no matter how long it turned out to be. The only problem is, Mr. Jordan died in 2007 from a rare blood disease called cardiac amyloidosis! After some scrambling on the part of his widow and publisher, it was decided to pass the torch for the final novel to another fantasy author, Brandon Sanderson, who began his work assisted by the copious notes left behind by his predecessor. However, due to the amount of material still left to write, it was decided that the "final" novel be split into thirds, released one each year in 2009, 2010, and 2011. The Gathering Storm represents the first third of that meganovel, essentially.

Book 2: Pirate Latitudes by Michael Crichton

Michael Crichton, king of the airport bookstore and crown prince to the page-to-screen blockbuster empire, medical expert and creator of the smash television hit E.R., died of throat cancer in 2008. However, as I am beginning to learn, death is no barrier to getting your work published, at least if you have (had) the right credentials! Pirate Latitudes was discovered on the late author's computer, unfinished but more or less whole, by one of his personal assistants. The book is set in the 17th century Caribbean, and features (you guessed it) everyone's favorite scurvy scourges of the sea, pirates! Need we say more? Well, I will. There was another more-or-less finished novel on Crichton's computer that is slated to be released in 2010. And if that wasn't enough, the film rights to Latitudes have already been optioned by... Stephen Spielberg! How droll. I suppose it would be more appropriate if Spielberg were dead.

Book 3: The Original of Laura by Vladimir Nabokov

The third of our zombie authors with new books out probably stinks a bit worse that his compatriots; he has been dead since 1977. Vladimir Nabokov, part of a proud literary tradition of mad Russians, is often cited as one of the most important authors of the last century, which might be how he can get away with putting out new material 32 years after his death. He is perhaps best known for his Lolita, but I'm waiting for the sequel which he's undoubtedly working on as we speak. If only we could all be so productive after our lives have been extinguished. The Original of Laura was actually the novel Nabokov was working on when he died, but all that existed of it at the time of his death were a series of handwritten notecards with a very rough version of the story written on them. Although the author asked his son to burn these should he pass away before finishing the novel, the cards instead sat for the past 30 years in a safe-deposit box in Switzerland, until the son decided to publish the fragmentary manuscript and frighten us all just a little with another new novel from an old dead guy. Interestingly, the published hardcover book is page after page of high-resolution scans of the actual index cards, accompanied by the printed text of each. Why it was published this way and not as an actual novel is somewhat of a mystery, but it is sure to be a work of great curiosity to any Nabokov fan. Michael Crichton was apparently one of those (a Nabokov fan) by the way. If it turns out that Nabokov was Robert Jordan's long lost uncle our little macabre circle will be complete.

So we've moved from novels about zombies to novels written by zombies, and judging by the popularity of Stephanie Meyer books recently, novels read largely by brain-dead zombies as well.

Random Item of the Day

2009-12-26T01:25:00.000-08:00

Yeah, that's a naked Darth Vader doll. We found him at Goodwill, mixed in with the other derelict toys. The funny thing about this happy little fella is that he's exactly the opposite of the movie. In the movies the only part of Darth Vader we see that actually part of him, is his head. We can only guess what his body looks like. Is he horribly deformed? Is he part machine? Does he have an extra limb? Who knows? Not me, 'cause I've never seen Darth Vader naked... nor do I have any desire to.

I only exercise my upper body...

This doll, however, answers that question for us! He's ripped! He's even martini-glass shaped! Who could have told under all of that machine and the opera cape that keeps him alive? I couldn't get a body like that if I tried... How does he do it? Is it the Force? No, that's some bullshit midi-chlorines or something.

I need this cape to live!

Darth currently sits on the dashboard of our car. He's doing the splits, something else I never thought Darth Vader could do, while waving angrily at passing motorists. Definitely worth the investment.

Food Review : Thomas Haas 5/5 Engines

2009-12-24T14:02:00.000-08:00

Thomas Haas, in North Vancouver BC, is a delicious spot to frequent. It specializes in hand made chocolates, which they make in the back room. They have a great selection of small chocolates, from the traditional dark chocolate to passion fruit chocolate balls. They also have a selection of baked desserts and pastries (twice baked chocolate croissant anyone?). And they have really good coffee (destroys anything Starbucks can offer, and blows away most coffee shops I go to. Even better than the Albina Press ) to go with their great pastries.

The inside. Very, very busy!

The also make great hot chocolate. They have three kinds, "normal" (with scare quotes because if you bring it home, dilute it by half because it's really, really strong), dark and Aztec. The Dark is super, super dark (and delicious!) and the Aztec has some spice in them (like mexican hot cocoa). You can either get it to go, or get it for there.

Not this Thomas.

It is a great place to just sit and take in the weekend.
The staff is very friendly and will get to know you by name and by order if you frequent the place. I have bumped into the owner, Thomas Haas, a few times and he is a delightfully friendly man who takes great pride in his work.

Push a button and hope for chocolate!

The funnest part of Thomas Haas, however, is one of the walls. It has chocolate in it. But only if you're lucky! There are four trap doors in the wall that are sometimes full of chocolates. It's always fun watching excited little kids run up and sometimes get a chocolate.

Apparently they're not closed sunday or monday, just sad...

The biggest problems with Thomas Haas stem from it's popularity. Parking is a bit tight, and the place is generally packed to the gills. But, that only means it's ass-kickingly awesome. So, if you're in the area, go and enjoy!

A funny delightful box for cake.

Visit them online at http://www.thomashaas.com/. Or in real life at Unit 128, 998 Harbourside Drive, North Vancouver, BC, V7P 3T2, or call at 604-924-1847.

Beer Review : Loose Cannon Hop(3) Ale 3/5 Cannons

2009-12-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

Yarr, there be loose women, I mean cannon, about!

Just as with Small Craft Warning, I originally got this beer due to the humorous label. This time the pirate is firing a cannon from the deck of his ship while the poor parrot goes flying overboard. Poor birdie. Oddly, the term loose cannon has nothing to do with a firing cannon, but with one that has broken free from it’s lines and is smashing around the deck bashing into people. Bad news. Unless, of course, you like weapons of war breaking all your stuff, including you. But moving onto the beer.

This would seriously fuck you up.

Luckily, unlike a loose cannon, this beer is not bad news. For a hoppy beer (I do not like hoppy beer… too.. Hoppy. Rather, too sour. I‘ve never liked IPA‘s, but I‘ll give them a shot if they‘re new. A bit backwards, like expecting not to get burned by a hot stove for the 17th time) it isn’t too bad. It does have a hoppy flavor (not sure about 3 lbs. per barrel), but isn’t overpowering. As with all my beer, I had it with food (cheese and crackers) after several sips with nothing else. As far as IPA’s go, I would recommend it, at the very least to try it.

From the label : “This here pounder has a fine layer of yeast at her bottom. It won’t send you to Davy Jones’ locker, but will protect your brew from the rigors of life at sea!” and “Our Loose Cannon Hop(3) Ale™ is a hop shot across the bow! Hops, hops, AND MORE hops -over 3 lbs per barrel, at 3 different times in the process. Herbal and aromatic: an amazingly delicious American IPA. 7.0% Alc./Vol.”

It originates from the Clipper City brewing Company, LP, Baltimore, MD. www.clippercitybeer.com.

Dirk Hardbody Does Travel

2009-12-20T11:57:00.000-08:00

Dirk Hardbody here, this time helping you get to where you're going this Holiday season.

First, some things you'll need.

Baggage

Only the free weights, bigger the better.. harder for security to steal.

Transportation

Remember, if your guns are bigger than the planes, get a new plane.

Snacks

Just a few light snacks to tide you over.

Problems you may experience :

Small Children : Like small animals, small children may be given a biscuit to keep them quiet. Keep a supply in your pocket when travelling.

Remember, only in a dire emergency should you resort to kicking babies.

Missed Connection : Sometimes you will miss your connection. But don't fret, many airports have a weight facility you can use while you wait. If not, you'll need to improvise. Offer to haul baggage for them, or run laps around the airport.

Security : You'll need to leave anything weapon-like at home. This, of course, does not include your guns.

Remember to bring both!

Travel can be tedious, but with these simple tips, your holidays will be more enjoyable, thanks two me, Dirk Hardbody. Look for my upcoming update on how to not be a wuss, until then, happy holidays!

Beer Review : Small Craft Warning Uber Pils 4/5 crafts

2009-12-20T08:49:00.000-08:00

I have to be honest. I chose this beer because of the nautical name and the funny picture of a peg-leg pirate with his parrot on a skimpy raft in a completely insane seas. I got mine in Westport Connecticut, but I have no idea how far spread it’s distribution is. That’s the problem with micro(ish) brews, if you travel and find one you like, you’re screwed. But, here’s what I CAN say about Small Craft Warning. It was nice, something I just as easily drank some solo as I did with food (cheese and crackers and BBQ Chicken pizza). The flavor is nice, and they certainly got the pilsner part down. It has the light color of a Pilsner, and a bit heavier taste than other Pilsners I’ve had, but then again it is called an “Uber” Pils. Were I able to get this back in Portland I would definitely keep it at hand though, not only for the humorous label, but for the delicious taste.

A real small craft warning... nothing like the beer!

From the label “This here pounder has a fine layer of yeast at her bottom. It won’t send you to Davy Jones’ locker, but will protect your brew from the rigors of life at sea!” and “Unofficially - the original American Uber Pils Small Craft Warning is a rich. Golden bock lager, with big malt flavor and bountiful hop character. 7.0% Alc/Vol.”

It originates from the Clipper City brewing Company, LP, Baltimore, MD. www.clippercitybeer.com

Walgreens goes BOGO!!!

2009-12-18T17:12:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's as advertised... was it advertised as BOGO!!? That's not a number... I don't have BOGO dollars in my wallet. Fortunately for me, Wikipedia has a helpful page devoted to BOGO. So, either Walgreens advertised the cost of these chips as an island off of Norway... having never owned an island, a city, or an ethnic group / language, I didn't understand how I was supposed to enjoy this delicious treat.

Upon deeper investigation of Wikipedia, I discovered that BOGO does, in fact, stand for "Buy One Get One". Also, according to Wikipedia, it is "rarely presented to customers in acronym form". Gee, I wonder why that could be... maybe because it's confusing?

Beer Review : Whales Tale Pale Ale : 4/5 Whales

2009-12-17T12:07:00.000-08:00

The actual bottle I drank from. Whales make good beer!

According to the label, this beer is "An English style pale ale, characterized by an abundance of fruity hops. Best when served chilled". It think I would agree. While not generally a Pale Ale fan, it definitely got my attention. The hops are not overpowering, but they certainly lend a good bite to the flavor. When paired with cheese and crackers, they balanced out quite nicely.

Don't eat me and I'll tell you how to make beer!

My question is, how much whale is actually in here? I certainly can't taste it... Or, since it's "tale" and not "tail" where is the story? Did some poor, homeless whale inspire this brew? Was it ancient cetacean secret passed down over the years that somehow landed on Nantucket? Is there some pact between the people of Nantucket and the whales so they are no longer hunted, but instead brew beer? That's akin to slavery... write the brewers letters demanding they release our aquatic brothers from brewed bondage!

Write them demanding whale freedom!

It is crafted by Cisco Brewers, on Nantucket Island (5 Bartlett Farm Road, Nantucket, MA 02554). I assume this beer is only available in the North East.. sorry to everyone else who will be missing out on this delicious Pale Ale!

Airline Review : Delta 3/5 Cramp legs

2009-12-17T10:13:00.000-08:00

I recently (ten hours ago) took a Delta flight from Portland to New York City. Overall, it was not a bad experience. As usual the flight was packed, although luckily not with small children as is usually my lot. There did seem to be a larger number of inexperienced travellers on the flight, but I can't blame the airline for that (or can I?...). Here's the rundown.

Check-in : Mostly straightforward. All electronic, although for some reason their terminal wouldn't accept my United Airlines card to pay for the baggage fee (a modest $20... still outrageous though). The line moved along quickly, and I did get rushed to the front when it became apparent my flight was quickly approaching.

At the Gate : Absolutely no wait, but then again I did get there 25 minutes before the plane was supposed to take off.. whoops!

NOT what I got...

On the plane : Always the worst part of flying, and, incidentally the only part of flying involving flight. My seat, in the waaaay back of the plane, was waaaay too small. I barely had room for my legs, hoodie and a book. I never have enough legroom, but this felt smaller than other carriers I have traveled (Jet Blue, United, Air Canada, Alaska). Each seat was equipped with a touchscreen that could play live TV, radio, and CD's on demand. They also had HBO, Movies and Games but a premium cost, which of course wasn't displayed until you made your selection. I wish they would be up-front with the cost. I got all excited about watching "Curb your Enthusiasm" only to find it was $2 an episode. Weak. Their CD selection was quite good, and Dance music makes the 5 hour flight go much faster.

Also not what I got.

In flight service : The food carts came by twice over a five hour flight. It felt as though they could add another one in there though. The free snacks were laughable. Not even a handful of peanuts or pretzels in each bag. The upside was you could get as many bags as you wanted. Still, five bags of dry-roasted peanuts don't even dent hunger. Of course you had options to purchase snack packs (or whatever they call them) for $5-$7. What happened to the days of a hot meal?

Overall : Overall it was a flying experience. Provided you can tolerate being herded and corralled like cattle for a good portion of your day. Then again, every carrier treats you like that. Delta, though, had fun in-flight entertainment and better-than normal cushy seats.

Movie Review : Ninja Assassins. Rating : 5/5 Ninjas

2009-12-03T11:37:00.000-08:00

Ninja Assassins is your quintessential Ninja film. The plotline consists of our hero Raizo, played by a guy named Rain (yes, that IS his name..), who is a Ninja killing a bunch of other Ninja's for some reason. And not just killing them. Cutting them in half, decapitating them, spraying blood over everything, impaling, eviserating and otherwise blood-bathing everythign in sight. All the while trying to protect some police officer or someone for some reason that is only vaguely addressed in the film. (something about proving ninjas are real?... or something? It really doesn't matter).

Just like this.. but not as cute.. and deadlier.

As far as plot development goes, they take care of almost 100% of the plot in one, three minute car ride while Naomie Harris's character, Mika, talk about some dead Russian KGB agent who was researching Ninja, then mysteriously died of throwing-star related injuries. After that it's all just basically sword and whipchain fights to the bloodspattering death.

We're Ninjas. There's your plot.

In the character developement department, Raizo's story is told through some kickass flashbacks to his time at the Ninja Orphanage. From the time he arrives, he's some kind of Child-Ninja prodigy, refusing to eat because they'll be harder on him, getting his feet cut for not being quiet enough, fighting some other Ninja-Wannabe in a room filled with floating, flaming orbs... you know, Ninja stuff. Oh, and something about a girlfriend while at the Ninja Orphanage.

I'm a Ninja. There's your charater development.

The fight scenes are crazy. There are three weapons used to any effect in this film. Your standard Ninja Sword, Ninja Throwing Stars, and a Whip Chain. Guess which one looks the most badass? Trick question, since they all do. Guns also make an appearance in the film, but several times Raizo laughs at Mika's use of it saying something like "That won't help you". A couple Ninja get shot repeatedly in the head and shrug it off like a light rain.

Like this, but a Ninja.

The throwing stars look like they're being launched out of a cannon, with several dozen flying across the screen at any given point in the film. The Whip Chain looks insane, and the Ninja Sword, is, well, a sword. Ninjas, in addition to being able to turn invisibile in shadows, are also insanely hard to kill. Whenever Raizo takes off his shirt (happens more frequently then you'd imagine in a Ninja film), you see some nasty scars everywhere. At one point he gets eviserated, but shrugs it off like a stubbed toe and goes on to kill another twenty-thirty Ninjas before taking a break.

This movie easily prooves that Ninja's beat Pirates.

Overall, this movie is Ninja Porn at it's highest. Relative lack of plot, stereotypical Ninjas (oh, did I mention they whisper in the shadows? bit of a giveaway...), buckets of blood, and epic fight scenes make this film the best, and funniest, Ninja movie i've seen in a while. I give it 5 Ninjas out of Five.

Ok, not "real" ninjas. But there's 5 of them.

Use the Force!

2009-11-29T12:12:00.000-08:00

While at Costco this past Friday in the middle of an exhausting day-long Black Friday outing, this fascinating Star Wars toy caught my eye:

Apparently the included battery-powered headset utilizes your brainwaves to power a fan on the base unit, which propels a ball up a tube. The more you concentrate, the more the ball moves. Crazy! I almost bought the thing then and there, but my natural skepticism kicked in and I figured I'd do some more research before dropping $70 on a silly toy (although $70 is a good deal based on the prices I've seen online and elsewhere for the same toy).

The product has received mixed reviews, and a lot of people seem to find it poorly constructed, prone to malfunction, or annoyingly loud (apparently the pre-programmed Yoda voice can get quite obnoxious). The most discouraging reviews I have seen, however, claim that the technology doesn't even work as advertised. One customer on Amazon claims that the headset merely uses your skin to complete a circuit, and that he was able to power the fan and move the ball by using his hand. If I can wear the headset on my hand and achieve the same results as if I was wearing it properly on my head, then the product's claims to operate by reading brainwaves seem dubious at best.

If this was the first incidence of this technology I had seen or heard about, I might not have even investigated the toy further, since the ability to control a toy with one's brain seems futuristic enough that my first glimpse of this sort of thing surely wouldn't have been the result of a casual glance down a Costco toy aisle. However, I've heard of this technology before - upon seeing the toy I recalled reading an article online about a similar headset/fan combo controlled by brainwaves. When I saw the Star Wars toy, then, I was merely surprised that they had applied and branded the technology so quickly. If it doesn't work as advertised, however, then the real applications of this technology might still be a few years off, but I have yet to buy and test my own Force Trainer. At this point I'd just say "buyer beware!"

http://www.unclemilton.com/starwarsscience/

http://www.starwars.com/vault/collecting/20090209b.html

http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3531167#showReviews

http://www.amazon.com/Star-Wars-Science-Force-Trainer/dp/B001UZHASY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1259526822&sr=8-1

http://www.boingboing.net/2009/10/30/brainwave-toys-are-b.html