Suppose that you were a counselor dealing with a family with a highly aggressive child. In your view, the frequent use of aversive punishment (i.e. spanking him when he hits his sister) by the parents is contributing to the boy’s aggression.
1. What might you say to the parents to make them aware of the potential negative side effects of the use of punishment?
2. What alternative discipline strategies might you suggest?

Answer:

For a punishment to be affective, it must be consistent, aversive, and immediate. Often times, spanking is neither consistent nor immediate. Additionally, it may even stop being aversive and become reinforcing due to the attention that is paid to the child. If spanking has been used and the behavior continues, it can not be considered an affective punishment and should be abandoned.

A more constructive way to punish a child is with time outs. These can include separating the child from a reinforcing activity or situation such as playing with friends or toys. Ideally, a time out should be for one minute per age. After the punishment has been carried out, it is best to talk with the child to see if he or she understands why his or her behavior caused the punishment. It is also a good time to introduce an alternative behavior to solve the situation that caused the inappropriate behavior in the first place.

Jill asks:

How do you draw the line between child discipline and child abuse?
I believe that children need to be disciplined to learn the consequences of their actions, but I also know that child abuse can cause heavy pschological damage to children. What in your opinion is the acceptable way to discipline one’s child?

Answer:

There are probably as many ways to discipline your child as there are kids in this world. Every parent is different. We have an 11 month old son and do plan to use spanking as a means of punishment. BUT I only plan to spank after other methods have been used, such as time out, removing privileges, praise for good behavior, etc. And then I only plan to use spanking if it’s effective. Also, there is a right and a wrong way to spank. You should never spank in anger and your child should know why it is happening. I agree, beating your children can cause psychological damage but there is a great difference in spanking as a discipline method and abuse. We were spanked a bit growing up, but honestly more damage was done to us kids through my dad’s form of verbal abuse. But in the end, you do what you are comfortable with and what works for your kid. I think more parents should discipline SOME WAY, instead of treating their child as their best friend!

powered by Yahoo Answers

In my experience, I have seen children of many races, creeds and colors raised as obedient, well-rounded children without the need for corporal punishment. On the other hand, I have also known many parents that do use spanking as an occasional punishment.

The real point is that any parent’s goal should be to raise children that are respectful. I have spanked my children on occasion, but now realize that their are many more effective ways to encourage obedience and respect. Unfortunately, there are too many parents today who are overwhelmed when it comes to discipline and often take an easier route by ignoring the problem.

Right now, James Lehman is offering The Total Transformation for FREE* all you need to do is provide feedback on this great program. If you are struggling with a child or children that is disrespectful and abusive or constantly arguing, this could be the perfect program for you.

This program will teach you techniques that lets you put the structure in place to help your child solve problems without the bullying, conflict or abusive behavior. This program is all about problem solving and teaching your child responsibility.

*To get your free program, you simply sign up on their website, pay the shipping and handling and the first payment (this is to ensure that you will follow through on providing feedback). Mail back your completed feedback within 90 days and you will receive a check for the full price that you paid (minus shipping and handling).

Here is what other parents had to say:

“There hasn’t been anything else I’ve ever done in parenthood that has given me close to the results that this has. It’s simple to follow, easy to do, and you’re going to get immediate results.”

- J.O.

Your program was invaluable in helping us guide our troubled teenager through her problems. I really wish we had had that information when our older children were growing!

J.H.

American Express offers a similar program called PASS.  PASS is a preloaded card - money can be added by the parent from their own American Express account, a bank account, or even by phone.  Teens can use the card anywhere American Express is excepted.  They can even use it at ATMs.  When you log on to the account, you can set alerts and see transactions.

Both of these options are great ways to teach your child to budget money.  For instance, if you provide them with $20 a week, part or all of this money can be loaded onto their card.  They can learn how to budget the money throughout the month, check their balances online and set up alerts to let them know when their card is low on funds.

HELP! My almost 10 yr. old daughter has been getting worse and worse with her blatant disrespect towards me. I know that she continues to say and do the things she does, because I don’t know how to handle it. In the past hour these are the things she has said to me…1. You’re just so stupid! 2. Your face is ugly! 3. I hate you! 4. Stupid! 5. You’re the dumbest person ever! What do I do? Do I resort to physically trying to force vinegar in her mouth (as some have suggested)? I usually try to just tell her that it is wrong for her to talk to me like that, and then walk away. But it is only getting worse.  I also have two boys, one is 7 and one is 4, and they are starting to model her language. I often feel extremely “stepped on” and “deflated,” especially by my 10 yr old, because this has been going on for a long time, and no matter what we do, it just gets worse. There are times that it hurts my heart so badly that I feel like I know what it’s like to be emotionally abused on a daily basis.

Many of us have felt this way!  Don’t get discouraged, instead you need to set some rules for your children and breaking these rules some with consequences.

A few years ago, both my older and middle children were becoming a handful.  I had specific rules in my mind, but I did not communicate them well to my children.  I didn’t write them down and the consequences were always random and did not exist.  This was NOT working.  Then I was invited to a seminar at the local elementary school.  The program was called Smart Discipline by Dr. Larry Koenig.  This system changed the way that I disciplined my children.

This system teaches you, as a parent, to talk to your children about expectations, establish rules and formulate consequences.  The key to the program is follow through.  If you are willing to take a stand to diminish bad behavior, this system works!

In a nutshell, the Smart Discipline program uses a simple chart system.  The program suggests, and I have found this to be true, that you need to choose one or two behaviors to focus on at a time.  Trying to solve every problem at once may not work.  The child helps establish the consequences and understands that for each instance of bad behavior he receives an X on his chart.  The child will receive a few warning Xs before the consequences set in.

After using this system for my two older children and modifying their behavior, I stopped using the system for a while.  Now, my six year old son, is starting with whining and tantrums to try and get his way.  I pulled out the old system and I sat down with him to go over the rules and consequences.  When the whining starts, it is easy for me to remind him of the consequences and for him to see the chart and his progress.  Most whining sessions are easily nipped in the bud.

If you are struggling with behavior issues with any of your children, I would highly recommend Dr. Koenig’s Smart Discipline program.

At these ages, independence is key.  Although teens want to still be part of the family, they also want their own space.  Their rooms become an important part of their lives as does friends and “hanging out.”   While most kids this age want to be able to talk to their parents, they also do not like to be lectured to.   I have found this part particularly difficult.  We as adults, may want to completely talk out an issue.  Teens, on the other hand, want to hear the bare minimum.  Instead of a lecture, bring up the problem or issue in one or two sentences, ask for their opinion or explanation and then decide on any punishment if necessary.  Let them know that they can talk to you about it anytime that they want, but don’t force them.  It is absolutely necessary to have family rules already established by this age so that the teens now the consequences of their actions.

Don’t be afraid to set rules that teens may feel is interferring with their privacy.  One rule we have in our house is that I know all the social media and email accounts that my daughter accesses and I know the passwords.  I do routinely check up on her, but I don’t let her know unless I find something that would be harmful to her or others.

Talk in the car.  Often when driving my teen to various events, I will bring up incidents in the news or from school that I think she should be aware of.  A number of girls were caught recently giving oral sex to boys in the back of the bus.  I didn’t lecture her about not doing it, but I mentioned the incident and how I thought it was inaproppriate.  She agreed and the subject ended.

Do NOT let your teenager become disrespectful.  This is something that has to be nipped in the bud.  At our house, the children must respect both the parents and the other children.  An older teenage child will sometimes act like the parent to younger children which only causes problems.  This is a work in progress.  I talk with my daughter at least twice a month about respecting others in the house.  She does fine for a while and then those moody teen emotions get the best of her.  If I don’t keep her on track, however, things can get totally out of control.

Thirteen and Fourteen Year Olds should be able to:

• Mend clothes, learn how to use a needle and thread
• Decorate their own rooms
• Shop for their own clothing and other personal needs
• Plan their own parties
• Keep their own budgets and use a debit card and ATM
• Learn First Aid and CPR
• Use a keyboard the right way (very important for high school and college)
• Keep their own calendar and make appointments
• Place an order by phone, mail and internet
• Know how to check the oil and other fluids in a car
• Baby-sit
• Change a flat tire
• Know how to clean outside and inside of car
• Learn how to paint a room
• Attend movies with friends (and without parent)
• Learn about local and national politics and accompany parent when voting

One in, Two Out

For every one item of clothing brought into the house (purchased or a gift), the girls must get rid of two similar pieces of clothing that they own.  I have started with the one for two option since they have too many clothes right now.  When their are less clothes in their room, I will change the rule to one in, one out.

The Budget

Each girl is given a budget for purchases every six months.  The first “payment” is in August in time for back to school shopping and the next payment is in February.  We determine ahead of time what amount each child should get and these amounts are not always the same.  For example, my older daughter is required to purchase certain items of clothing for soccer and this amount is included in the budget.

Clothing, Shoes and Accessories

The budget money is only to be spent on clothing, shoes and accessories (such as bags and belts).  I do not allow them to purchase food, video games, movie tickets and the like with this money.  I purchase school supplies for them and this does not come out of their budget.

Keep Track

I give each of my girls a notebook for them to keep track of their purchases.  They must staple the receipt and keep a running total.  I review it with them every two weeks or so.

Exclude Certain Purchases

Some clothing purchases are excluded from the budget.  Prom dresses and dresses or outfits for events they are required to attend (family wedding, anniversaries, etc.) are excluded.  However, they are required to purchase clothing from their budget money for friends parties.

Discuss Appropriate Purchases

Before you allow your teen or tween to start purchasing, go over with them what is appropriate.  At our house, halter tops and belly shirts are on the inappropriate list (as well as other items).  If they make a purchase you don’t approve of, make them take it back.  Of course, if you just don’t like the color, you might have to live with it!

It’s Your Money

When we are out shopping, and my girls want to make a purchase (that is appropriate), I tell them “It’s Your Money.”  My older daughter has learned that spending $25 on one t-shirt is not economical.  She can get two or three t-shirts for the same price at a discount store or on sale at a department store.

If I am shopping with my girls I pay for the purchases and then have them write it in their notebooks.  If my older daughter goes to the store with friends, I will give her a small amount and have her return all the change and bring back the receipts.  Money for food comes out of her chore money.

Don’t Give In

Some kids will want to spend the whole budget at one shot.  Don’t give in, if they can not purchase anything until the next budget period.  They will better understand how to manage money if you don’t step in when they make mistakes.

My goal as a parent is to raise children into responsible adults.  Giving them every thing they could possibly want, does not make them responsible.  My daughters have learned that they have to make wise purchases if they want to make their money last for six months.

Technorati Tags: budget, discipline how to, parenting, shopping, teen shopping, tween

• Start to form tighter peer relationships.  It is important to them to have friends (especially of the same sex).  Make sure that you know who your childrens friends are at this age.  If you wait too long to find out who is important in their lives, it will be harder to steer them in the right direction later.
• Experience much more peer pressure.  As children enter middle school, peer pressure becomes more pronounced and harder to ????.
• Want to be more independent.  They may complain about having to attend family functions and prefer to hang out with friends.  Try to find a happy medium.  Let the child know early that they are still part of the family.  Gear some family activities around interests of the child and every once in a while encourage her to invite friends.
• Body image becomes very important.  As puberty starts, children become more aware of their bodies.  This is the age where eating disorders can occur.  Teach your child to eat healthy and involve them in some sort of physical exercise.

To help your child at this stage:

• Be involved in school activities.  Meet your child’s teacher and attend school events.
• Talk to him about school, friends and other interests, but don’t grill him.  You may only get short one syllable answers, but at least he knows you care.
• Discuss what is right and wrong.  Tweens may find a lot of gray areas.  I have also pointed out to my children what I believe is inappropriate behavior and dress.  Now they point those things out to me.
• Discipline is important!  Make sure your child knows the rules and the consequences.
• Money!  Set up a plan to help your child manage money.  My favorite plan is Money Smart Kids.  This program teaches children to save their money, contribute to society by giving to charity and even have money to spend on themselves.
• Be vigilant about homework.  Set up a place for your child to complete her homework each day.  Help them study for tests if needed.  They need to make sure that they start good study habit now.

Children that are eleven and twelve should be able to:

• Shop for their own clothing (set up a budget for them)
• Learn how to make appointments (such as the dentist)
• Use the internet safely
• Learn first aid
• Plan and help make meals
• Help with a garden
• Mow the lawn and use weed trimmer
• Iron their own clothes
• Use a pay phone to place a call (teach them how to make a collect call).  You never know when a cell phone will not be available and there is an emergency.
• Clean inside and outside windows
• Learn a craft or hobby

It seems that children’s diets today are not nearly as healthy as they used to be and this can contribute to acid erosion.  Acid erosion is a growing problem among adults and children.  Most parents do not think that their child is at risk for acid erosion that can cause enamel loss.

I recently found a product that is trying to help the problem.  Sensodyne, a leader in sensitive teeth products, has developed a product called Sensodyne ProNamel for Children.  It is a pediatric toothpast designed to help re-harden tooth enamle.

On their website, you can find a ton of information about the problem and you can even request a sample of the product!

Now, if I could just get my kids to brush longer!

“I am wondering where to turn…I have a nine year old, who is driving me crazy with his dawdling! He moves so slowly, and I feel like I’m always on his case to move faster, faster, faster! We’ve tried using a timer, adding chores, etc, but nothing seems to work! I know he can move fast if he’s motivated, but I can’t seem to find that one thing that works for him! Can you help? Or point me in a direction?”

Nothing drives me crazier than a dawdling child! All of my three children at some point have been dawdlers. I have found that sometimes what I consider dawdling is not really dawdling at all. I tend to be an impatient person and a child who doesn’t immediately act on my command causes frustration for both myself and the child.

Instead, I have tried a number of different techniques:

• I found that sometimes I wasn’t giving my child enough time, especially in the morning. I, like my kids, like to sleep until the last minute, but I know how quickly I can get ready. I need to give them more than the 20 minutes it takes me. Instead of trying to rush, I try to get them out of bed 20 minutes earlier.
• I made each child a chart with pictures that has their morning and bedtime routines listed in order. The first step, get out of bed. Then, get dressed, etc. They are not allowed to do ANYTHING else until all steps are completed.
• After school, homework and chores must be completed before anything else is attempted. If it takes until dinner time to do those things, then it is off to bed after dinner.

A friend of mine had a daughter that was constantly late for everything. He set up a time schedule for her. For example, she must be ready to go out the door for school at 8:15am. If she is not ready at 8:15am, she must go to bed that night 30 minutes earlier. Then he gives her until 8:20am. If she is not ready by 8:20am, another 30 minutes of time is added to bed time, etc. It only took him a week of this before she learned that going to bed at 6:00pm is not a very attractive idea. Don’t make the deadline to get ready at 8:15am if school starts at 8:30am. You will need extra time as a buffer to allow the child some mistakes.

Always use praise when the child does get ready or completes tasks on time. Depending on the age of the child, a chart with stickers might be a good idea as well. Also, children who dawdle may be seeking attention. The more I yelled, the more it seemed to worsen. Instead, I came up with an action plan, stuck to it and calmly told them when they had missed a “deadline.” Of course, I am not perfect, and I tend to get very impatient when things are not done to my time schedule, but I am learning!

Technorati Tags: dawdling, discipline how to