Discovery Counseling Blog's

The Good Karma Divorce

2010-11-11T20:24:00.000-05:00

Another voice on how not to divorce.

Judge Michele F. Lowrance, in her book ... The Good Karma Divorce notes:
The American court system was not built to house or process the violent emotions unleashed by divorce. Attorneys are not trained to reduce the attendant suffering of their divorcing clients and families, and judges have a limited toolkit of remedies. Divorcing couples embark on this frightful journey, believing that the court will deliver justice, and that justice will deliver peace. Most discover somewhere during the process that they are achingly, horribly, alone. http://thegoodkarmadivorce.com/

Cheryl Gowin contact@discoverycounseling.org http://www.discoverycounseling.org

Collaborative Dispute Resolution

2010-11-01T08:34:00.000-04:00

Collaborative Dispute Resolution. What a mouthful but what does it mean.

First it acknowledges that we all have differences. Differences that we may not be able to work through without outside help. This phrases refers to the type of outside help you use.

If you can solve the problem by working with the parties involved, you can hire a lawyer and start the legal battle. Or, you can hire a team that includes a legal advice, financial advice and life coach or counseling advice.

The goal of collaborative dispute resolution is to build a team that will help the people involved in the dispute come to an agreeable solution without creating mortal enemies.

At Discovery Counseling we have a unique set of skills that can help in building this team. Dennis Gowin has a CPA background with a law degree and is a licensed mental health counselor. He has spent over 20 years in litigation support and knows the pitfalls and expense of taking it to Court. Cheryl Gowin has an MBA, a CPA and Masters in Counseling. Her background includes helping individuals plan for life changes and the financial and emotional struggles brought on by these changes.

Collaborative Dispute Resolution -- finding a workable solution for both parties without tearing each apart. It works, try it.

Cheryl Gowin
contact@discoverycounseling.org
Our home page http://www.discoverycounseling.org

Choreplay

2010-09-01T12:04:00.001-04:00

A new term is appearing in the news …. Choreplay.

Constance Gager and Scott Yabiku in an article in the Journal of Family Issues published a study that looked at time spent on household chores. They found that that wives and husbands who spend more hours together on housework reported more time in the bedroom.

Thoughts?

Discovery Counseling Marriage Intensive Program
Our premarital program
Our Sarasota Location

Cheryl Gowin contact@discoverycounseling.org http://www.discoverycounseling.org

Change in Cultural Attitude Toward Divorce

2010-08-29T14:43:00.000-04:00

This article is the first in a five part series of articles that looks at divorce and the children involved in the divorce. This article examines the change in cultural attitude toward divorce.

Child development patterns have been studied and developmental theories, while helpful in counseling, must be viewed within the within the changing circumstances of society from the period of study to today. For example, Freud first published his theories in the early 1900’s when divorce was not viewed as a social acceptable option and the number of children dealing with blended families was relatively small.

The acceptability of divorce has changed dramatically over the last 30 years. Alper, who was married in the early sixties, observed “I can honestly say in the home of my parents, I did not ever recall hearing the word ‘divorce’ uttered and do not remember a single instance of any member of my extended family, or friends of my family, ever having been divorced” (Alper, 2005). Nair notes that nearly half of all babies born today will spend some time in a one-parent family (Nair & Murray, 2005). Each year more than 1 million children experience the divorce of their parents (Cohen, 2002). In 2003, less than 60% of children in the United States were living with both biologic parents, almost 25% were living with their mother only, approximately 4% were living with their father only, the rest were living with stepfamilies, adoptive families, or foster families (U.S. Census Bureau, 2003).

Divorce has become a common and acceptable outcome of couples, which have found themselves in an unfulfilling marriage. The divorce rate in the United States has reached a 50% rate; this represents the fact that half of the marriages in the Unite States end in divorce (U.S. Census Bureau, 2003). This fact adds new challenges when looking at child development in relation to models developed during an era when the two-parent household was the norm rather than the exception.

Traditionally, divorce has been considered a social taboo, and if someone desired a divorce they had to prove to the court that the marriage contained either physical or emotional abuse, adultery, or abandonment. The Old Testament provided that to be divorced a man must provide his wife a certificate of divorce (Deuteronomy 24 1-4 NIV). At the time of Jesus the ability and acceptability of divorce was an issue. The Pharisees asked Jesus about the lawfulness of divorce and the reasons allowing for divorce. Jesus’ reply indicates that is was not part of God’s plan to allow for divorce but was allowed in the Law of Moses because of man’s hardness of heart (Matthew 19: 3-11NIV). In the 1960’s public opinion began to favor more relaxed divorce laws and in 1969 California became the first state to pass a no-fault divorce law. Between 1960 and 1980 the divorce rate grew almost 250 percent. The reason for the increased divorce rate range from a combination of the lenient divorce laws, more women being able to support themselves by entering the workforce, and the slow change of the public divorce opinion. (Furstenbert & Cherlin, 1991)

Society’s attitude regarding divorce has changed over the last 50 years. This can be seen in contemporary TV programs. Families in the 50’s were represented by shows such as Ozzie and Harriet; Leave it to Beaver and Father Knows Best. These programs presented a view of families, which consisted of a middle class two parent, mother stays at home and the father is the sole financial provider family. Today’s programs today range from Murphy Brown in the 90’s, a single working woman who had a child out of wedlock to Reba a divorced mother dealing with child visitation and step family member issues.

Also the change in social attitude toward divorce can be in the changes in a survey results of a group of women. In 1962, a group of women were asked if married couples with children should stay together even if they didn’t get along and half said they should. The views altered when the same groups of women were asked the same question in 1985. Less than one in five of the women felt that couples should remain together for the sake of the children (Furstenbert & Cherlin, 1991). The reason for the change may be many but is definitely supported by the increased divorce rate and the ease of obtaining a divorce. No longer must one prove to the court that a divorce is necessary (Amato, 2001).

A new term is being used in the literature to describe today’s family unit; binuclear family as opposed to the nuclear family. A binuclear family is any family that spans two households. This language is replacing the term broken home (Karpf & Shatz, 2005). Karpf and Shatz suggested using this term rather than broken family to present a “more positive view” of the divorced family. The major difference between the nuclear family and the binuclear family is the potential complexity of extended family relationships; children dealing with step-parents, step- siblings, being shuttled between two homes, holidays being split between two family traditions.

The divorce rate stands at 50% of all marriages, effecting more than 1 million children in the United States each year. This paper looked at the cultural changes in the attitude toward marriage. The following articles in this series will look at the general effect of divorce, custodial arrangements and remarriage on the children involved in the divorce process and finally looks at the effect of counseling children of divorce.

References

Alper, G. (2005). Voices from the unconscious. Journal of Loss & Trauma, 10(1), 73-81.

Amato, P. (2001). Children of divorce in the 1990s. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(3), 355-370.

Cohen, G. (2002, November). Helping children and families deal with divorce and separation. Pediatrics, 110(6), 1019-1023.

Furstenbert, F., & Cherlin, A. (1991). Divided Families. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Karpf, M., & Shatz, I. (2005). The divorce is over -- what about the kids? American Journal of Family Law, 19(1), 7-11.

U.S. Census Bureau. (2003). In Statistical abstract of the United States. Retrieved from http://www.census.gov/cgi-bin/saipe:

Cheryl Gowin

contact@discoverycounseling.org

http://www.discoverycounseling.org

Has your talking patterns changed?

2010-08-26T12:20:00.000-04:00

While dating, you talk for 50 minutes out of the dinner hour. Married 50 years, you spend 3 minutes talking out of the dinner hour. How many words you spend sharing with your spouse?

A recent study found:

- While dating, couples converse for 50 minutes out of a 60 minute hour. The couple only spends 10 minutes actually eating. No wonder a meal during a date takes so long.

- Immediately after marriage, the time spent talking begins to shrink dropping to 40 minutes per hour.

- After twenty years into marriage, the average time spent talking drops to 21 minutes out of the hour

- Thirty years of marriage, the couple spends only 16 minutes talking.
- The fifty year of marriage mark sees, the average couple talking for only 3 minutes during meal hour.

If you figure three minutes is about 75 to 100 words … imagine the conversation.

I’m going to have the fish no sauce please, with salad, no dressing and sweet tea.
I’m going to have the pasta with chicken, salad with Italian dressing, and water.
Do you want some bread, I’ll cut it for you.
Yes, just one piece and can you please pass the butter.

Ups, you have just used up 50% of you allotted words.

Now this may sound funny but the fastest growing age segment for divorce is over 45. There is even a term for it … the gray divorce.

How making this resolution. Start working now at building a conversation pattern that takes up more than half of your meal time. Put down the newspaper. Turn off the TV. Set at the table looking at each other and talk.

Have a great conversation today.

Do you believe everything you hear?

2010-08-12T09:47:00.000-04:00

Thomas Edison, remember him? He invented the light bulb. You may think that such a successful man had a great supportive family, with teachers who gave him lots of encouragement. Here are some of the quotes from his childhood support group.

Mr. Edison's teachers called him "addled".
His father describe little Tommy as a dunce.
His Principal told Edison that he would never make a success of anything.

Later in life, Mr. Edison had some interesting quotes of his own.

When asked how he felt about failing so many times to invent the light bulb. His response was

"I have not failed, I just found 1000 different ways that did not work."

Another not so famous quote

"Many of life failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up"

Obviously, Mr. Edison found a way to ignore the voices and counsel from his past and form a better view of himself.

How do you view yourself? What comments are you allowing to influence you?

Cheryl Gowin
Counselor and Life Coach

www.discoverycounseling.org
www.discoverycounseling.org/sarasota.html

contact@discoverycounseling.org

Do you think you are a failure?

2010-08-10T17:35:00.000-04:00

Do you think you are a failure?

Do you know Giacomo Puccini? He is a famous Italian Composer.

Did you know that his first music teacher dropped him as a student? The reason given, because Puccini has "no talent".

Don't let negative feedback limit your success.

Life Coach idea of the day

http://www.discoverycounseling.org/

Will seeing a marriage counselor help?

2010-07-27T20:29:00.000-04:00

Are you considering marriage counseling? You may be wondering if seeing a counselor will help.

As a marriage counselor, I would say the most important factor in the success of counseling is the attitude of the couple. Does the couple really want to save the marriage or is counseling just a step filing for a divorce. Saving the marriage requires work on both the part of the wife and the husband. The counselor can't do the work for you and is not a miracle worker with a magic wand.

You may ask is there any research on the effectiveness of marriage counselors" Yes. So what does this research show?

In a survey of people who had been clients of marriage and family counselors the participants indicated that the people say a counselors for a wide range of issues. The sessions were short-term fashion. The client satisfaction and functional improvement are quite high.

The specific ratings were:

98.1% rated services good or excellent
97.1% got the kind of help they desired
91.2% were satisfied with the amount of help they received
93% said they were helped in dealing more effectively with problems
94.3% would return to the same therapist in the future
96.9% would recommend their therapist to a friend
97.4% were generally satisfied with the service they received
63.4% reported improved physical health
54.8% reported improvement in functioning at work
73.7% indicated improvement in children’s behavior
58.7% showed improvement in children’s school performance

Does Marriage Counseling work? It can .. if you are willing to work and change.

Doherty, W.J., Simmons, D.S. (2007) "Clinical Practice Patterns of Marriage and Family Therapists: A National Survey of Therapists and Their Clients", Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (22)1, 9-25

Cheryl Gowin

www.discoverycounseling.org