Bad Feminist          Sex Negative

Sticks and stones may break my bones but I really don’t understand the use of these names. – Dee Dennis

In the past year I’ve been called these names on various social media sites.  Clearly those making these statements don’t know me very well.

One phrase I’ve never liked nor felt entirely comfortable using was Sex Positive and one of the reasons was the question of what is the opposite of sex positive.  Sex negative?  What exactly does that mean?   That I don’t like sex?  If you’ve read my blog from the beginning or follow me on twitter you would know that clearly is not true, so I am once again left with the question of what exactly does sex negative mean.

The other question is what exactly qualifies someone to call themselves sex positive?

When we created MOMENTUM, I found myself having to use the phrase sex positive because there was nothing else I could find that fit the message of what we were trying to create and so began my use of it over the last two years.

Last fall I found myself being referred to as both a bad feminist and sex negative on blogs, twitter and facebook.  I wasn’t exactly called out personally but MOMENTUM was and therefore I as one of the creators behind MOMENTUM.

You might now be asking yourself why anyone would be calling me those names with my history of what I’ve created these past few years in sexuality and my support for many sex positive organizations.  What triggered that first ‘bad feminist’ comment was the announcement on the premiere sponsorship for MOMENTUM.

It all boiled down to one thing.  Choosing Masque as a sponsor and  both my personal support and endorsement of this company.

This is where the world of sexuality I see gets somewhat weird.

I read a review of MOMENTUM on a blog shortly after the conference this past year and the writer was quite disappointed in the overall conference.  I always say different strokes for different folks and what one person loves about MOMENTUM another person will hate.  That I see as perfectly understandable.

What I didn’t understand was their outrage with our Premiere Sponsor for MOMENTUM.  They wrote that they were extremely upset when they entered our sponsor room and saw that we choose a company the produces a product to enhance the experience of oral sex for women, many who otherwise wouldn’t enjoy it.

Once again I’m baffled and I ask what is so wrong with this company or their product?

Remember, different strokes for different folks.

Since I began blogging in 2007 I have never taken any paid ads on my website nor have I ever had affiliate links on any of my websites.  The companies I choose to write about, list on my personal sites or do business with are businesses I fully support for not only their products but for those who are behind the company running it.  Over the years I’ve been very lucky that many of these companie have given me their support in the projects I’ve created.  What I have consistently followed over these years is not accepting funding or support from businesses I would either not personally use their products or do business with the people who run them.

In other words. my personal ethics can’t be bought.

It was last summer that I originally found Masque when they followed me on twitter and I then checked out their website.  I found myself horrified by the wording I saw there and me being that bitch I am at times called them out for it not only on twitter but also on my tumblr.

What did surprise me at the time was their eagerness to correct what I found offensive and asking for my opinion and input on those changes.  I happily gave them some basic feedback but then informed them I’d be happy to consult on it for a fee :)   That was the end of it until they approached me months later on twitter about becoming a MOMENTUM sponsor.

Remember that pesky thing about my personal ethics and money?  I was faced with making the decision of allowing this company to sponsor MOMENTUM and trusting that what I now saw on their website was not only accurate but also an accurate picture of who they were.  As I always do when approached my unknown companies I opened a dialogue with them, reviewed their website information and searched for any info I could find on them. (thank the tech gods for Google)

I personally didn’t have a problem with the product at all.  As a matter of fact I love anyone who creates a product that tastes like chocolate with ZERO calories.  How many times has a women said “Make it taste like chocolate and I do it everyday”?  I know I have.

Over the course of several emails I found myself saying, “Either this guy is a really good bullshitter or I very much love this company and the person behind it.”

Lucky for me he wasn’t a bullshitter and over the course of almost a year now I’ve personally seen proof of that over and over.  As with anything there has been times I haven’t agreed with everything, but what I have found is that they’re always open to listening to my (and others) feedback and are never afraid to change something if necessary.

All this brings me back to the sex negative and bad feminist accusations and my questions of why does my support for this company, association with this company or love of their product make me either of those things?

I don’t think I’ll ever understand how wanting to use this product with my partner would make me sex negative.  Even if I don’t have a problem with the taste of semen what is wrong with wanting to change or spice things up in a relationship?

This makes me question if all of us Sex Geeks, Sex Positive people or Sex Positive Feminists are completely understanding the message we are sending when any of us attack a product or attack the person for their support of a product.

What I do see is that you’retelling me (and others) that there is something wrong with my sex life if I don’t like the taste of semen or that I want to change things up at times and it very much makes ask if that isn’t in fact that the exact meaning of what sex negative is.

I wonder if the use of flavored condoms or lube would make me sex negative?  What about the use of lube at all. Aren’t our bodies supposed to provide that natural lubricant for us?  Is someone who is unable to and uses lube to enhance their sex life then sex negative?

What about Viagra?  Many couples find this product a very important part of their sex lives.  Does that make them sex negative?

I could go on and on with examples such as these but the main question here is why the use of anything that helps or enhances our personal sex lives would make anyone call us sex negative or a bad feminist.  It makes little sense to me.

If my support and love for both the Masque company and their product make me a bad feminist or sex negative in someones eyes than so be it.  Give me the t-shirt and I’ll proudly wear it.  What I do know is that I can’t change opinions but I can try to educate and make my points of why I think this is wrong.

This week I proudly announced that Masque is the Premiere Sponsor for my new conference CatalystCon.   If I had felt this company did not have the same philosophy as I do about sexuality and the vision for change I have for CatalystCon I would have turned them down and if you don’t believe me feel free to ask them.

I’ve recently been asked why I didn’t include the word feminism in the description of CatalystCon.  The main reason  for that is that CatalystCon is about acceptance and sadly at times I don’t always see that in the feminist world.   It doesn’t mean CatalystCon won’t have feminist speakers or topics, but what it does mean is that feminism will only one part of the overall CatalystCon conference.

These days when it comes to me, I’ve decided to stay away from labels.  It works better for me that way.

Shameless plug:  Go check out CatalystCon and my Call for Speakers.  I hope to make it the conference to attend this fall.   Also keep up with the lastest CatalystCon news via twitter and facebook.

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This post, Sticks and Stones…… originally appeared on Diva's World on May 5, 2012. Tweet This Post!

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Dee Dennis co-founder of the revolutionary Momentum Conference held each spring in Washington DC is now bringing her talents and determination to spark open communication about sexuality, activism and acceptance to the west coast.

CatalystCon will be making its debut at the Hilton Long Beach & Executive Meeting Center in Long Beach, California September 14-16. “This conference is meant to energize, enlighten and exhilarate a positive discussion about sexuality, the current state of women’s rights, and to encourage people to take action in their local communities” says Dee Dennis founder of CatalystCon “Now more than ever we need to continue to educate ourselves and share that knowledge to help ignite change.

CatalystCon is focused on reaching out and stimulating the activist within everyone to help transform the way our friends, neighbors, and politicians approach and discuss one of the single most important aspects of humanity. CatalystCon welcomes everyone to partake in the discussion and help to influence change in how our communities approach sexuality. “The fundamental principal of CatalystCon is that knowledge is power and sharing that knowledge is the first spark to igniting the change in conversations” says Dee Dennis “CatalystCon will bring that spark and energy to the west coast.”

CatalystCon will be accepting application for speakers until June 1st from anyone who has something to share and the desire to spark conversations in the realms of sexuality, activism and acceptance. Individuals, therapists, educators, media specialists, bloggers, activists, women’s rights advocates, health professionals, and others are encouraged to submit an application. To find out more about becoming a speaker at CatalystCon please visit Call for Speakers page.

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This post, CatalystCon Sparks Positive Discussions about Sexuality, Activism and Acceptance originally appeared on Diva's World on May 5, 2012. Tweet This Post!

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New York, NY – The 2^nd annual MOMENTUM Conference (momentumcon.com) will take place in Washington DC from March 30^th through April 1^st, 2012.  The conference will be held at the Crystal City Marriott at Reagan Airport. MOMENTUM brings together the best people in their fields of the LGBTQ, sex-work, BDSM and non-monogamous communities. Speakers will discuss ways to bridge the baffling dichotomies our culture creates around sexuality.

Abortion laws, restrictions on gay marriage, abstinence programs, medicalization of sex, fear of pornography and prosecutions for teenage sexting are examples of one side of the spectrum. The discomfort that strives to make us keep our sexuality hidden conflicts with the use of sex — especially the female body — to sell everything from food to cars to “performance enhancing” products.

The opening Keynote Plenary Panel is moderated by the legendary Dr. Carol Queen and features esteemed panelists Bill Taverner, editor-in-chief of the American Journal of Sexuality Education, author and sexuality educator, Dr. Logan Levkoff, founder and director of the Red Umbrella Project, Audacia Ray, and university professor and Education Program Manager at Good Vibrations, Charlie Glickman, PhD. Our Closing Plenary features author of the international bestseller Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel, and journalist, Lara Riscol. The conference will kick off with an exclusive meet & greet and performance by comic Maria Falzone.

MOMENTUM is geared toward anyone interested in intelligent conversations about the influence of new media on sexuality. After a sold out first year in 2011, MOMENTUM has expanded its space, presenters and sessions, with over 40 sessions and 60 presenters.

MOMENTUM will cover a wide range of viewpoints on sexuality, and the program is sure to have something of interest to everyone.

Each participant in MOMENTUM will leave the conference with new perspectives, new connections and a plan to carry the MOMENTUM forward into 2012 and beyond.

Pre-registration is required to attend MOMENTUM. Go to momentumcon.com or http://momentumcon.com/registration/hotel for registration.

For more information, please contact Brian Gross, BSG PR, (818) 340-4422. Email: brian@bsgpr.com. Twitter: @bsgpr

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This post, The MOMENTUM Conference in Washington DC will Make Waves in Sexuality, Feminism and Relationships originally appeared on Diva's World on February 17, 2012. Tweet This Post!

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There have been so many changes for me in the past four years including a new home for my blog and a new design thanks to AAG. that I wouldn’t know where to start.  So instead of overtaxing my brain trying to remember them all and write something meaningful I decided that I would write about one thing.

Being alone.

This is something my therapist has talked about with me over the past year and something I couldn’t understand when she first asked me. It is something I now know is very important on my road to changing my life and happiness.

When I first started blogging it was because I was in the downward spiral of a nervous breakdown.  I was extremely depressed, unhappy in my marriage and totally clueless of where to begin to change it.  So instead of taking that very difficult step and working hard to change my life I instead took the much easier route of avoidance.

Blogging and being Diva gave me the distractions I needed to avoid my life.  It was the easy way out.  I got attention, friends, fun and could escape the unhappiness that was in my daily life.

There was only one problem.

As I spent more and more effort to avoid my unhappiness that same unhappiness grew and grew until one day I was slammed in the face with it like a Mack truck.

Which brings me back to the being alone part I started this post with.

One day my therapist asked me to try an excercise at home.  She told me to try being alone.

“Huh?”  Was my response.   “I’m alone a lot”

“Are you?” she asked me.

It was then we talked about being alone with no internet, phone or outside connections to anyone and if I could do that.   I thought about how I spend my time when I’m not with my kids and how I deal with the times I feel lonely or unhappy and I realized I was still trying to avoid those moments one way or another.

So I made a conscious effort to change that and by doing that I changed me.  I became emotionally stronger, more independent and able to do the one thing I never could do.

I put myself and my needs first.

These days I cherish the time I have alone and am more than likely to turn down invitations to make sure I have that time.

I very rarely write on my blog these days and treasure my privacy more than ever.  Blogging has helped me become the person I am today and will be in the future along with giving me opportunities that I never dreamed possible just a few short years ago.

I’m ending this post with one of my daughter’s favorite songs that reminds me of life these days.

“The Climb”

I can almost see it.
That dream I’m dreaming, but
There’s a voice inside my head saying
You’ll never reach it
Every step I’m takin’
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin’
But I gotta keep tryin’
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most
I’ve just gotta keep goin’, and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waitin’ on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on movin’
Keep climbin’
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about, it’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah

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This post, Four Years – Happy Blog-A-Versary To Me. originally appeared on Diva's World on November 7, 2011. Tweet This Post!

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I just read this post:  The Penis Epiphany

Go ahead. Go read it.  I’ll wait.

Back?  Good.

Now as someone who absolutely HATES to receive unsolicited cock shots this article caught my attention.  I’ve yet to come across anyone who has a fetish for the unsolicited cock shot and can say 100% that if you message me and your profile picture is a cock shot I won’t be responding.   But reading this post I found myself disagreeing with a lot of it.  I’m not appalled at the site of a cock.  It is the message an unsolicited cock shot sends I’m appalled at.

Yesterday, while watching one of Allstate’s amazing and super funny mayhem commercials, I had an epiphany: penises are ugly. I mean, really, when’s the last time you saw a bumper sticker or t-shirt that said “penises make me smile,” or saw a commercial with a woman looking at a man’s penis like just the very sight of it is making her wild with desire? You haven’t, because penises are ugly.

I disagree.

I honestly can say that I’ve never found any of my partners penises ugly.  Cut or uncut.  What I have found is that in our society it is much more accepted to use a woman’s sexuality (ie: her breasts or cleavage) in marketing, photos, bumper stickers or whatever.   If a woman were to wear a shirt with “penises make me smile” written on it they would be slut shamed.

Put a good-looking, big-breasted girl in a low cut top jogging down the road, and watch the men drool all over themselves and almost get in accidents as they rubberneck to get a better view. Let a man wear something that shows half their penis or scrotum, and see what kind of response that gets. Let him wear a short pair of running shorts with no underwear, with the package playing peek-a-boo as he runs … the women may be looking, but not for the same reasons.

First I’d like to say that I as a woman along with many other women I know would also droll at that site.  But I have to wonder why is the writer comparing breasts to a penis and scrotum?   One is above the waist and in many countries (other than the US) it is perfectly acceptable for both men and women to be topless.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a heterosexual woman in my mid-thirties with a healthy sex drive, but that doesn’t mean I want some stranger’s penis wagging at me on the street, or to have their balls on display for my inspection while I eat in a restaurant. I could see it now, some man flirting with me from across a crowded room … he spreads his legs, oh so provocatively, to bear his clean-shaven scrotum and expose the head of his penis, knowing I will soon be his — NOT! Why? Because while us heterosexual woman want and need our man’s penis, we don’t fantasize about how it LOOKS, the curvature, the vein protruding from one side; we fantasize about how it FEELS.

Actually………I DO fantasize about how it LOOKS, the curvature, the vein protruding from one side along with fantasizing how it FEELS.  I fantasize about ALL of it.  The look, the feel, the smell and the taste.   My fantasies involve all of my senses.

They may be ugly, but we women love them all the same.

Please don’t speak for me because I don’t recall ever finding andy my partner’s penises ugly.

Is it me or does that line sound really sex negative or body shaming?   Can you imagine the outcry if a men’s website posted something like this about a woman’s vagina being ugly?

Now I don’t want to give the impression that I want to spend all my time looking at cock or if I’m involved with someone I want them to send me cock shots.  But I also don’t like that the impression reading this gives me is that I close my eyes during sex so as not to see that ugly thing below your waist while you pleasure me with it.

Have I ever mentioned I have a suit fetish?

I am far more likely to get more excited over a photo of them in a suit than a cock shot.    Have them send me a photo in an expensive suit with a beauitful tie and I melt.  When I know exactly what is underneath that suit and I’ll be reaching for my njoy Eleven.

I really hate reading things like this because I think it only adds to the stigma and negativity that surrounds sex in our culture.

This ends my rant of the day.

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This post, The Penis Epiphany originally appeared on Diva's World on September 24, 2011. Tweet This Post!

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~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Evidence To The Contrary – If anyone out there ever tries to tell you that internet relationships and friendships are not real, point them in my direction and I will happily set them straight on the matter because I have proof, in fact I am proof, that they know not what they speak of.

Open Marriages Don’t Work….- The only way I would agree with that statement is if you add: …..if you’re marriage already has problems. But even that part is not universally true.

Love in the Age of Broadband - What happened to our ability to keep it casual? Why would we attach ourselves to someone who is (often) hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away? And, more to the point, why would we attach ourselves to someone we have never met?

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Ask Lilly – Open and Polyamorous: Why be married at all?

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

My apologies, everyone, since submissions closed I’ve been 100% consumed with personal family tragedy (the flooding in Central PA) so I didn’t have time to read most of the entries this time or find a photo. The html code might contain a lot of blank lines for some of you, I didn’t have time to “clean” it up, either, just throw up what I have.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Ask Aunty Dee: Dental Dams
born this way…
Clit Truth
Condoms and Size
Lies & Infidelities
Misguided Dominance
Poly Language
Return to Decadence
Step Inside My Head
Who was the first person you told..
When Bad Things Happen To Good People – Warning Bells

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

To Be Out Or Not To Be Out
Want Sado-Erotic Horror Movies? Yes please! Films by Matthew Saliba
What I’ve Learned From E[Lust]

Kink & Fetish

A Much Needed Distraction
Another drink?
Caged
Facing Fear
Negotiation Win

Erotic Writing

As Long As It Lasts
Asking For It
Anticipation
Blow Job
Campfire
Debra’s Gift
Feral
Fantasy
June’s Caning
Please, Please, Please, Sir
Showers and Strawberries
slick
The Visitor
The Play Fight

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This post, e[lust] 29 originally appeared on Diva's World on September 12, 2011. Tweet This Post!

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Did I mention how naive and dumb I was?

I thought if someone labeled themselves as a Dom then they must be and that they must know what they were doing.

Did I mention how naive and dumb I was?

I stupidly got involved with the wrong person and ignored all the warning bells going off in my head.  When they told me I needed to bring them bourbon each time we met as part of a Dom/sub thing who was I to question that it was fucked up.   They were the ‘experienced Dom’ and knew better.  Right?

Have we established the fact that I was dumb and naive at the time?

That is only the tip of my nightmare experience but at that point in my life when I was in such a downward spiral and heading into a major depression I wasn’t aware or strong enough to listen to those warning bells that were going off.

Since that point in my life and a few years of therapy I’ve become much better at listening to my warning bells and seeing things for what they are and not HOW I want them to be.

We all have an inner instinct that warns when something is not right.  Many of us ignore that warning because we are conditioned to not think bad things of others.  For some of us (me 4 years ago) we don’t want to see the truth because we like our own personal vision better.  It makes us happier and fills a void within us.  Unfortunately there are those who specifically prey on that and exploit it.

Living such a large part of my life online these days I’ve developed a better understanding of what my instinct is telling me and listening to my warning bells.   In the past I always had difficulty voicing my feelings or concerns.  I’m sure it will come as no surprise that I no longer have that problem so much these days.

I evaluate and judge the people I allow into my life by how they respond to me when there is a problem be it from an actual fact or from a simple misunderstanding of communication.  What I’ve learned is that the good type of people I want in my life listen to me.  They don’t respond with personal attacks or manipulations.  It doesn’t mean that I am always right and stupid shit happens especially when so much communications these days are emails and texts but it means that they listen.  My feelings are mine and right or wrong should be acknowledged.

There are a few words that are on the top of my warning bell list.  If you’re expressing your feelings to someone and their response or reaction to you includes the following words I recommend you end that communication and walk away.

Any response that includes the words: jealous, crazy, unstable, drama, bitter, selfish, self-centered, negative.

See none of those words actually have anything to do with the conversation.  They are all used in a negative sense to smokescreen the actual conversation and allows the person to direct it all back on you instead of actually listening to your feelings and discussing what the actual issues are.  (therapy is such a great thing!)

Speaking up for yourself or speaking out does not mean you’re any of those words above.  All of those words are used as personal attacks and for many of us they trigger a self-defense in us and instead of discussing the issue at hand we end up spending our time defending ourselves against those words.

Sounds pretty simple to handle but for many of us (myself included) it isn’t as easy as it sounds.   I quietly walk away from any type of relationship or friendship where I find the other person doing this cause I know from experience it doesn’t get any better.

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This post, When Bad Things Happen To Good People – Warning Bells originally appeared on Diva's World on August 16, 2011. Tweet This Post!

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If you follow my twitter or tumblr you’ll see one of the subjects that has hit me emotionally these past few weeks. I’ve been posting and commenting on links that revolve around assault and consent in the BDSM and kink community.  If you haven’t then you’ll want to go read Kitty Stryker, Maggie Mayhem, Nadia West and SilverDreams blogs.  I also posted a comment SilverDreams made on Fetlife that I felt was something everyone should read.

Here is the thing:  Bad things do happen to good people.  It is how we deal with it and handle it that is what I see missing.   

I’ve talked before about the book The Gift of Fear (which I think everyone should read) and I know one of the most important things I came away with from reading that book is that we as a society are conditioned to think the best of people.  We have trouble wrapping our minds around the actual fact of someone being bad or bad things happening. We give our trust instead of having someone earn it.

When we see or hear of something bad happening my opinion is that it makes us feel vulnerable.  Which for many of us is very uncomfortable. It is something we can’t control and so we make excuses when things happen, blame the victim and ignore actual facts.  It is easier for us to handle it that way then to realize someone we like and respect did something wrong.

It is easier for us to find an excuse for that behavior because we don’t want to believe or accept that anyone in our world would be a bad person.  We don’t want to accept that someone we allowed into our lives or world is not who we thought them to be and therefore we would rather make excuses for the actions.

The world if full of bad people.  People who for whatever reason don’t play by the rules of society.  People who feel no guilt, remorse or empathy and they are in our community whether we want them to be or not and that is what I think is overlooked a lot of the time.  In wanting our sex positive happy utopia we don’t always realize that just like any other part of society there are those who do not care about rules, respect, feelings or remorse.

People make mistakes and shit happens.  That is a fact I think everyone can agree on.  However what is important is how these mistakes or misunderstandings are handled and I feel that tells us the truth about the individual.

Did they acknowledge they made a mistake or they had an error in communication?

Were they willing to discuss your feelings or concerns with you?

Did they take responsibility and appologize to you?

The answer to each of those questions should be YES.  If there is a no to any of those questions there is a problem.

I don’t usually hesitate to call someone out on their shit.  It can be a simple communication misunderstanding or something much more important.  It is how they reply to me that determines if I have contact with them again.

My first warning bell is did they acknowledge my feelings and discuss them or did they go on the attack.   That is one of the most important things for me in dealing with others.  Nice people don’t attack you, call you names or try to blame you when you express your feelings.

It has been hard for me these past few weeks trying to be active in these issues without triggering myself and getting depressed.  I’ve needed breaks and needed the support of friends.  I know I can’t keep reading threads on Fetlife or twitter debates right now if I don’t want to fell that way.

What I can do is look at ways I can use my voice to educate others.  One is through this blog and my tumblr and another is MOMENTUM.  So far we have two sessions submitted on this subject with another in the planning stages.    I might not feel strong enough emotionally these days to deal with this issue by myself but I do have those around me who will add their strength, support and voice to mine.

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This post, When Bad Things Happen To Good People originally appeared on Diva's World on August 15, 2011. Tweet This Post!

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My how time flies when you’re building a new life.

When my divorce was finalized part of my settlement was the house. It was once my dream house the I both rebuilt and renoveated in my vision.  I brought my children home from the hospital into that house and created what I mistakenly thought was a perfect world.

By the time my divorce was final I no longer wanted to be in the house.  It felt toxic.  It reminded me of all that had gone wrong in my marriage and how unhappy I had been for too long.   It was also too damn big for me and I had no desire to spend anymore of my time cleaning five bedrooms and four bathrooms.  Those days were behind me.

One of the things I learned when my daughter was born so ill was to not make major decisions when I was riding an emotional roller coaster and last spring I kept that thought with me when faced with having to decide what to do.  I came to the conclusion I would sell the house and move somewhere in the same town temporarily so as to not uproot my daughter from both her home and school at the same time.  I found a place I never would have imaged living but with the thought of it only being temporary it didn’t matter to me.  I figured I would reaess life once things had settled down.

To my greatest surprise I loved it!  I love everything about where I live.  The home I’ve created here, the happiness in my kids living in a better environment and even my new neighbors.  I said I would give myself two to three years to decide what I wanted to do but instead I think I’ve figured it out.

I’m staying put.  This is now my home.

Today would have been my wedding anniversary and if you had read me when I first started blogging you would have read how my ex never remembered the date.  With all the craziness of moving last year we both sort of ignored the date and instead concentrated on getting the kids settled.

The beauty of technology is that most of the time we communicate via email or text.  If I need to talk to him I know I can call him at any moment and when our son was rushed to the emergency room a few weeks ago he was right there when I called him.  Divorce changes some things but not the ones that really matter.

My divorce was hard at times. My ex was angry and bitter and not at all happy that I didn’t want to be married any longer.  There were days I would have happily pushed him off a bridge but now over a year later we’ve managed to become friends.  I said throughout my divorce that no matter what I would not end up hating him and I’m happy that I haven’t.  There are still those moments I want to slap him in the head but then I remind myself that if I didn’t feel that way we would still be married.

This morning we were texting in regard to our daughter and I asked if he knew what day today was.  I then asked him did he think Hallmark had a card for divorced wedding anniversaries.

He replied that it would probably be a big seller.

If you knew my ex you would know that is actually a really great reply.  He was never one to communicate and I wasn’t sure he was at a point he could joke about our divorce but I guess he is.   We have a calm peace between us and are able to put our past in the past and be the parents our children need.

I’m happy about that.

As a matter of fact I write this blog post from my ex’s house, where I am sitting with my children.  There was a power outage in my neighborhood and rather than sit in the heat I packed up the kids and went to my ex’s house to leach off of his AC, swim in his pool and let the kids raid his kitchen.

Some might think that is weird but I think it is good.  If you had told me four years ago I  I would be at this point in my life I would  have never believed you.  I thought climbing Mt Everest would be easier.

I found out I was wrong.

Never underestimate the power you have inside to change things.

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This post, Milestones originally appeared on Diva's World on August 8, 2011. Tweet This Post!

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This photo was taken from the beach I spent most of my time during my recent vacation.

I’ve been feeling somewhat burnt out these days.  A bit disillusioned and at times feeling exhausted.  I really needed a ‘me’ break and that is exactly what I did.

I spent my entire vacation last month offline. I disconnected from the social media and just relaxed.  I focused only on my travel companion and the resort we were staying at.

It was beautiful.

In the past I’ve felt the need to do everything, go everywhere and attend anything that I was invited to.   Part of that need was to avoid dealing with my life and part of it was thinking if I filled my life with lots of stuff I’d be happier person.

These days I’m in no rush.  I attend less and less public events and spend more time doing things just for me.  I had even began to question if I really wanted to be hosting/organizing events anymore.

Then I hosted the Chat Lounge with Ducky DooLittle last month and once again found myself inspired.   I’ve known of Ducky but not her entire story and although I had met her before I never heard her speak.

As I sat listening to Ducky speak I was reminded how blessed I am these days to have the ability to do what I do.  I get to host and organize events that I want to attend.  I do things that are of interest to me and at the same time I get to share it with friends I have met as a result of my crazy online life.

I say no more often these days and spend quiet time alone enjoying life and my new home.  I’m learning little by little to relax and enjoy my new freedoms.

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This post, Relaxation originally appeared on Diva's World on July 7, 2011. Tweet This Post!

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