diverted motion

A Poem for Two Viral Videos: Best Maid of Honor Toast Ever (Eminem Rap) & Cats Puking to Techno

2013-07-03T14:17:00.001-05:00

Two videos, both alike in virality,
In fair Internet, where we lay our scene...

Two rival links for me to click:
Best Maid of Honor Toast Ever (Eminem Rap) and Cats Listening to Techno Whilst Getting Sick

To which video will I feel full delight?
And which video will make me feel a-fright?

Can you hazard a guess?
Do you dare?

For though the choice might seem obvious by title alone
The second-hand embarrassment of the toasted rap, I do bemoan

Techno turns cat puke into a delight
While self-congratulatory white girl rapping turns the maid of honor into a marital blight.

To the victor goes the embedding spoils:

This is a Totally Legit Photo of Me and My Good Celebrity Friend Adam Sandler Hanging Out In the Rain

2013-07-01T13:17:00.000-05:00

I was walking down the sidewalk toting my sassy wine purse (#weekendwear), when who did I bump into but my good celebrity friend Adam Sandler (#interrobang?!). My good celebrity friend Adam Sandler is such a legit and good personal friend that he was kind enough to share his umbrella with me when the sky started dumping gumballs (#newenglandweatherammirite?!)

Of course, while we were having this nice personal moment of shared friendship, a paparazzo jumped out of a bush to snap this candid shot of the two of us. It's just the price you pay when you have celebrities as best buddies, I guess.

xoxo,

Bailey

See also: An Open Letter to the Worst Waxwork Museum in America

Oh My God This Video (Douchebag)

2013-06-28T15:03:00.001-05:00

So very perfect. A+ would watch again.

I'd let Danny Trejo give me love advice in falsetto any day.

The Internet is a Mind-Blowing Place (Kaboom!)

2013-06-25T11:20:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, my Reddit curator brought me this delightful Tumblr gem on a silver platter:

Exploding Actresses

The "Love Movies" video is delightful, especially the final scenes from Pretty Woman, where the reaction shots fit in perfectly with the headlessness.

This video so inspired me, I've decided to change my life course and begin aggressively pursuing a career as a visual multimedia artist. My first step was to share my dream with my NYC artist friend, Meredith. I'm pretty sure that's what "The Secret" is all about -- blabbing dreams and manifesting the universe.

OK, Universe, I am in you manifesting myself:

Bailey:
i wish i had the video skillz and the artistic cred to get my own show in the whitney
this is what it would be giant gif walls of this
i'd make up some bs statement about my multimedia work in deconstructing female archetypes in cinema
literally
haha

Meredith:
HAHA
oh, man, i would spend the entire month in your show at the whitney
it would be so so special

Bailey:
i'd want kittens wandering the floor that you could cuddle
that piece is about subverting the internet passive experience into IRL active experience

Meredith:
ok you could get actual funding for this

Bailey:
man that would be great
and who wouldn't want to fund a bunch of kittens?
it would bring more people than tilda swinton sleeping in a glass box

Alright, NEA, I know you've been eagerly refreshing your RSS feed reader for MONTHS waiting for me to update my blog with my latest brilliant idea. Time to show me that sweet arts funding.

2013 is the Year of the Melodica

2013-01-05T15:39:00.003-05:00

Yeahhh boyyyyyy! It's 2013 and I'm shaking the dust of this beloved, but neglected blog to bring you this critical piece of BREAKING NEWS!!!

That's right, I bought a mother effing melodica.

That's right, the mini piano you have to blow to play. And my New Years 2013 resolution is that I will learn to play it. Like a boss.

My very first attempt at learning something on the melodica was inspired by these lovely gentlemen:

Now check out my masterful (haha) version:

True Love Spoon Poops: Favorite Port-o-Potty Graffiti Ever

2012-03-14T13:20:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure how I managed to live this long without ever sharing my favorite port-o-potty graffiti*, but this Videogum thread inspired me to share my love with the world.

Taken in a hot port-o-potty, Bonnaroo, 2008:

*Totally a legit category of graffiti that is really well overdue (overdoo? yuck!) for a coffee table book.

A Social Media Fairy Tale with Storify

2011-04-14T19:42:00.002-05:00

This is my first time playing with the beta version of Storify, a platform that lets you search various social media streams like Facebook, Twitter, Google, Flickr, YouTube, etc to find snippets of info to build your own stories.

Gotta say, I'm already kind of in love with the creative potential here.

TREND ALERT! Crying While Dancing While Also Being an Asian Child is Apparently a Thing

2011-04-11T15:41:00.003-05:00

It all started with the story of the cancellation of Philippine game show "Willing Willie" for coercing a crying child to slow grind to Snoop Dogg (while still crying) in front of a cheering audience. To wit:

Now I am no crying dancing child apologist, but there is a certain hilarity to the ridiculous juxtapositional layers of crying + dancing + child + overtly sexual hip grinding. It has the taste level of 7 layer refried bean dip: so wrong and yet so so enjoyable.

Out of curiosity I conducted a cursory YouTube search to see if crying while dancing was a THING (could it possibly be the new crying while eating??). To my surprise, not only is crying while dancing an emerging thing, but apparently crying while dancing while also being an asian child is a thing. In fact, I was hard pressed to find any video of any child who was crying their heart out while also dancing their heart out that didn't also happen to be asian.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C (crying starts around 1:40):

Exhibit D (Christmasy!)

I have no clue what this is all about, nor do I have any clue when child dancrying will catch on in the States. (Though with the popularity of shows like Toddlers in Tiaras it shouldn't take too much longer!) All I do know is that in the case of "Willing Willie," there were certain indicators that they should have pulled the plug A LOT sooner that forcing a weeping kid to gyrate to Snoop:

"This isn't the show's first brush with infamy: in 2006, 74 people were killed in a stampede at a taping of "Willing Willie." But it's this little boy who may spell its end." (Jezebel)

Yikes! Let's hope game show stampeding doesn't catch on like crying dancing asian child syndrome!

Best Amazon Bad News Email Ever

2010-11-08T12:27:00.003-05:00

It's going to be a limp Christmas at my house this season. :(

------------- Begin message -------------

Hi Bailey,

This is Lisa Stone from Prima Products and I am emailing you, unfortunately, to tell you that we will have to cancel your order for the STIFF PACKAGE. There have been a lot of issues with listing errors with Amazon, and we actually do not have this product. I am terribly sorry for this frustrating inconvenience. I have already refunded you for the charges on your credit card.

I'd like to do everything I can to make this up to you and would like to offer you 10% off any other item we carry.

Thank you for your patience and understanding with this annoying inconvenience. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to keep you as a satisfied customer.

Kind Regards,

Lisa Stone
Prima Products

------------- End message -------------

RIP impulse purchase of Stiff Package.

Your Daily Diversion: The Jane Austen Fight Club

2010-07-28T12:54:00.002-05:00

This premise makes a lot more sense to me than the original Fight Club. OK, Producer People let's get this movie made!*

*If I could have one superhero super power, it would be that when I said that phrase, a movie would actually get made. Knowing my taste level and penchant for glorying in terrible ideas, that power would pretty much turn me into a super villain immediately.

My Christmas Wish List [Part: The First]

2009-11-13T11:30:00.005-05:00

Oh that's right... DivMo is back! And for what better reason than to demand gifts from all the loyal ~~readers~~ spammers who have been blowing up the comment sections of this blog for the past few months. I never learned so much about "Risible in love snow chainmail gloves" and "последние новинки" and "sexy alud coupon cards." Wow guys! So much valuable info!

It's not even Thanksgiving yet, which means it's time to start saving up to buy me presents! I'm sure all of your successful spamming efforts have you sitting on a neat little pile of Nigerian prince-funded cash that you'd be happy to blow on your favorite blogger.

So first up on my wish list, forget the creepy "Love's Embrace" holiday necklace campaign; I don't want my jewelry to say "You will always be surrounded by the strength of my love." I want it to say "Though we're both hermaphrodites, I've still evolved into wanting spermatic exchange with you."

You can buy me this necklace on Etsy, filed under Copulating Earthworms.

Thanks Regretsy for the link!

Literal Hours Lost Watching Literal Videos [Thank You, YouTube Gods]

2009-06-01T22:18:00.006-05:00

Best YouTube genre to date--better than 9 year-old karaoke wannabes and zit popping--is hands down "Literal" music videos where the song's lyrics are swapped out for a narration of what's literally occurring in the music video.

Since 99.9% of all music video happenings are certifiably insane, the results are hilarious. To prove my hypothesis, I've spent countless hours of scientific research--YouTubery, if you will--to bring you some of the internet's greatest examples of the genre. To wit:

Bonnie Tyler 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' (Literal Version)

Meatloaf 'Anything for Love' (Literal Version)

Journey 'Separate Ways' (Literal Version)

Tears for Fears 'Head Over Heels' (Literal Version)

A-Ha 'Take on Me' (Literal Version)

The Internet is Not a Safe Place for Children...

2009-05-21T21:23:00.006-05:00

...Nor for people who want to be protected from children making creepy YouTube music videos of popular hit songs...

To wit, little 9 year-old Lauren T's take on Lady Gaga's 'Pokerface':

OK, confession time. I started out terrified of 9 year-old Lauren T, but the more YouTube videos I watch of her, the more obsessed I get. It's like that YouTube zit popping fetish video genre...

In this one 9 year-old Lauren T sings in front of doggy pictures!

And the "advice" comments she gets are priceless (emphasis mine):

you have the same [i don't wanna say problem, but...] problem as a lot of aspiring singers that i know. they put too much of their talent in the song and strain their voice. i'm sure if you got lessons you'd be really great. your voice is a little shaky and pitchy, so be sure to work on that as well. also, some of the notes are off. you'd be real good if your voice was...polished...xD
-ScribblexCookie :]

slow down and relax! and while you're at it, smoothen your voice. And you were wrong at some lyrics. But if you take my advice you MIGHT just be top 20 of American Idol. You have a good voice just... get music lessons. :)
-EeeFae

OMG, then there's her "Debut Original Single Release: Why Can't You Come Back (To Me)." God, I love it when songs end (with parenthetical asides (for no real reason)). This one is just a still shot of little 9 year-old Lauren T but the melisma is beautiful enough to peel dry paint off the wall (read: her notes are wobblier than a kid on the first day without the training wheels).

This comment really sold this song to me:

im sorry i hate it!!!!!!especiallt 3:54 to the end.you kept like screaming!
-darlenehernandez123

I don't care what the commenters say, little 9 year-old Lauren T, scream your lungs out all you want! The internet has plenty of room for you and all your dangerously misguided, one day mortifying music videos.

Using The Online Blogopolis To Share My Thoughts With Up To 10 People!

2009-05-06T14:04:00.004-05:00

DivMo turned two on April 23rd, which in internet time is pre-death Bea Arthur old (rip foxy lady/favorite Airheads reference)!

I might be a mistress of the internet now, but two years ago I was as ignorant to this series of tubes as a claustrophobic hamster. Fortunately, one morning I received a fax with a fancy address called a You-Are-Ell that took me to this video explaining Gabe's & Max's patented* system that put the power of the internet at my finger's tip!

Gabe and Max convinced me the internet is not just for scientists! It's for people like me! And you too!**

* not actually patented
**For 3 easy payments of $69.99!!

Jesus, Crist! [Reason #666 I'm Proud To Be A (Former)Floridian]

2009-04-29T13:23:00.007-05:00

Thaaaat's right. If you live in Florida, Jesus can be your copilot. Not sure how the Holy One feels about where "vanity" plates falls in with the whole seven deadly sins bit, but Florida Governor Charlie Crist doesn't see a problem with them: "If you don't like them, don't buy them."

Crist might not support the separation of church and state, but he's got more important issue to deal with, like proving to Valentino the best oranges come from Florida:

Thanks Political Demotivation!

Child Journey Band, You Have Found Yourself a New Groupie [That's My Boyfriend!]

2009-04-28T09:40:00.003-05:00

I always knew some day love would find me and break those chains that bind me. I just didn't know it would be today, nor would my love be a pint-sized Perry.

The subtle hip gyrations just undo me!

Sometimes the Internet is a Mirror That Shows You How Truly Bad Your Sense of Humor is...

2009-04-21T15:28:00.003-05:00

Not only did watching this video make me laugh, I actually had to pause it halfway through to wipe the tears from my eyes (and to make sure no coworkers caught me watching such a monstrosity). Sadness, children. Pure sadness.

Now that we've gotten that little embarrassment out of the way...

DivMo's back from winter hibernation! Huzzah! Clearly this long break has caused our internet tolerance levels to drop critically low. We shall spend the next few weeks feeding of the blood of memes to build our strength!

More posts to come!

All Aboard the Blingee Bandwagon

2009-01-26T21:48:00.005-05:00

Because nothing quite says 'I love you friend' like an animated gif bullet to the head. :)

Sparkle courtesy of Blingee.com, bad idea enabled by the good folks over at Best Week Ever.

Glitter Graphics

I will now open the floor up to requests.

Sex Sells...Wall Files? [Hinged For Your Pleasure]

2009-01-23T12:12:00.003-05:00

There are a lot of words I could use to describe the administrative aspects of my job, but "sexy" wouldn't be very high on the list. (But not off completely, because if I'm doing it, it's gotta be at least a little bit sexy. Or so the little ego I keep in my pocket whispers to me.) My day-to-day office life looks little like the movie Secretary. Though one day I dream to be "the big boss" at "the company" and then I'll totally have an office boy running around in manacles, delivering me coffee.

So imagine my surprise as I did a routine search through our online office supply catalog for those plastic files you can hang off your cube wall, and this is what turned up in my search results:
That's right, apparently Rubbermaid makes not only "Classic HOT File Basic Wall Pockets," but "Classic SUPER HOT File Add-on Pockets," and also "Hinged ULTRA HOT File Bins"!!

I know it's a recession and all but is sex really going to help sell these plastic files?!
Who am I kidding? I totally ordered two of the the "Classic Hot."

"I Love You, Man": Further Proves My Bromance is HUGE in 2009 Theory

2009-01-22T00:07:00.007-05:00

Just check out the trailer for the new Jason Segel/Paul Rudd bundle of celluloid awesomeness:

Like I said, Bromance for the win in 2009.

Baby When We're Grinding, I Get So Excited... Feel A Little Poke Coming Through On Yoooou: Homoeroticism FTW in 2009

2009-01-15T15:58:00.008-05:00

This afternoon I stumbled upon this brilliant clip from the TruTV series The Principal's Office where seniors Logan and Brandon were brought into the principal's office to defend the "out of control" dancing that caused the school dance to GRIND (omg! pun!) to a halt.

Things get truly hilarious when the boys start acting out "is this too close?" scenarios as the principal squirms in his chair:

My first thoughts immediately go to the best song about smuggling a boner onto the dance floor ever: "Too Close" by Next.

For those unfamiliar, here are some Sims characters dancing to the Blue cover of the song:

For the record, I'd be ALL ABOUT grinding if I could pass through my partner's body like a ghost and have ribbons of light floating from my arms when I waved them around like a peppy cheerleader.

But do you know what gets me more excited than the prospect of phantasmagoric grinding? That this Principal's Office clip just furthers my hypothesis that Homoeroticism is going to be HUGE in 2009. HUGE, I TELL YOU!

Videogum's Gabe wrote an awesome post on the implications of homoerotic love in Brody Jenner's new be my best friend reality audition show Bromance (and as I was looking for the link to that post, found they also posted on this Principal's Office clip too--Great to see we're on the same page of the internet, guys!)

And you know what? I am ALL ABOUT this rise in homoeroticism. I know it's easy to make an argument that acting gay as a joke is just mocking gay people--and yes, to a degree, it does (at least at this moment in our culture). But I think it works on more than just that level. The "just kidding" aspect of it gives guys a safe space to express their feelings for each other in a way that is currently socially unacceptable. And eventually, as the "joke" gets enacted over and over again, it stops being novel and funny and then people forget they're kidding and it's just two dudes who love each other and that's TOTALLY OK.

The more 2009 becomes the Year of Homoeroticism, the more opportunities men will have for man-on-man platonic love--which is more than fair since female friendships have DOMINATED the social radar for years now. (Hello, Sex and the City franchise!) It's about time male friendship took a positive bump in the numbers!

Even my gchat partner in crime Jeremy agrees:

me: homoeroticism ftw
i'm predicting now that homoeroticism is going to be HUGE in 2009
jeremy: oh yea
it's gonna be a breakout year
me: seriously bromance is huge
jeremy: everywhere you look it's gonna be like bam:

bam:
BAM!
jeremy: lol sorry
me: HAHA
jeremy: buut not sorry

Who could be sorry about a beautiful thing like that?!

I rest my case: Homoeroticism FTW in 2009!

BAD BABY! of the Week: Rod Blagojevich

2009-01-09T14:53:00.006-05:00

If the internet is the new Wild Wild West, then call me the new Sheriff of Naughtyham. So often celebrities and public officials get away with egregious crimes with nary a slap on the wrist. No longer!

DivMo's now in the business of doling out Tough Love ^TM. And what's tougher or more loving than an Anne Geddes baby? Nothing!

Just look at that cute little face! That baby might be smiling on the outside but just look deeply into its eyes. That baby's soul is sailing an ocean of pain and fear. But there's hope there too, giant floppy-eared hope.

Perhaps if some of our more wayward celebrities and public officials were able to face their pain and fear as honestly as these little dressed up babies, they would be able to overcome their dark ways and become more productive members of society.

It is with this hope that I introduce DivMo's new BAD BABY! feature. Our first candidate for the redemptive power of this cutting edge procedure is newly impeached Gov. Rod Blagojevich.

Let's pray his time spent pressed firmly to Celine Dion's bosom redeems his corrupt, corrupt soul!

How to Maximize the Fridge Life of Your Holiday Photo with the Help of Perez Hilton

2009-01-08T13:55:00.001-05:00

The holidays are over and people are taking down the decorations, using the menorah to burn the dead tree in the backyard (see Fig. 1), and are throwing away all those crap Christmas cards cluttering up the precious takeout menu space on the refrigerator.

Figure 1: Proper Christmas Tree Disposal

I know, I know, you spent HOURS on your card: From meticulously selecting the most PC-Happy Winter Solstice greeting on the rack, to the hours agonizing over the flat hair to red eye ratio of the family photo. And all that work just to get thrown in the trash!

If only there were a way to make a holiday card photo that was so memorable your friends and family would treasure it for years to come!

Never fear friends! There is a way! There is a jolly fat man who is immensely popular with children and adults alike, who can help you solve all your problems. No, not Santa Claus, Sillies! I'm talking about Perez Hilton.

If you really want next year's holiday card to get the notice and adoration it deserves, all you need to do is break out the white MS Paint and get to scrawling obscenities!

That darling but forgettable photograph of Gran and Gramps? With a spliff and a floating cock, turn a tragic glimpse into human decay into a total gigglefest!

What about that romantic shot of Cousin Ellie's winter wedding? You can be the first to say 'I told you so' in the new year!

Sister Gina's graduating in this tanking economy? Good thing we didn't have high hopes for her to being with!

Just another shot of your cute kids playing on the beach? Make a statement about body image in this world's media obsessed culture and that photo will stay up on fridges all year long!

Uncle Jerry may not have asked to be public outed in the family Christmas card when he posed with Skittles, but his mustache certainly did!

Just look at grandbaby Emma's eyes. Like they didn't see this one coming!

Remember folks, these aren't pictures to be seen then promptly thrown away, you're making memories that will last a lifetime!*

Don't forget to include me on your 2009 Christmas list!

*in family therapy costs

The Hottest Jam of 2009: When Autotune Meets Emotional Gangstas

2009-01-03T13:01:00.003-05:00

I know we're only 3 days into 2009, but I'm telling you "Superman" from Emotions in a Gangsta is going to be the sleeper jam of the year.* I promise you've never heard such a perfect blend of wonky autotune, emotional ganstaism, and mildly retarded lispiness in a track before.

I could stare at the picture for hours.

*at least on DivMo.

If "Superman" becomes the hot ballad track of the year, then El Chomobo's "Macarron Chacarron" will be the hot dance track. (Blame Jeremy for finding me the link to this one). Stroke victim-esq rapping has never sounded so hot!

There's No Better Way to Ring in the New Year Than With a Little Beefcake [And a LOT of Photoshop]

2008-12-12T11:57:00.004-05:00

I'd been meaning to learn Photoshop for awhile now, when a golden opportunity came along to make a 2009 Calendar with my trainer (my bad idea, 'natch).

What sprung from the depths of two bad idea generators is most likely the best calendar to ever be created in the history of time. Sometimes two wrongs do make a right.

Just check out this cover. That's right, there are six varieties of Eric to choose from. From frizzy, sultry beefcake to goofy, hippie beefcake: this calendar has all your favorite flavors.

Just think, there are 12 more where this came from! (And trust, they get WAY more ridiculous as the months progress).

It's a year so hot you'll want to do it twice.

They're off to the printers and should be back by Wed., Dec. 17th. We're selling them for $10 with the proceeds going to the Ronald McDonald house. If you'd like a copy for your very own, hit me up in the comments and we'll work something out.