Divine Chaos

The note you'll never see

2012-02-12T04:58:00.000-08:00

"This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It's killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless"

Losing a friend is hard, even though it is for the right reasons....

Sometimes you lay awake at night, and wonder how you got here. How things changed, and how you became less important... Then you start thinking about all your what if's.. What if i could just rewind time like 4 months so I could stop some things..but then you ultimately realize that yes, the same story would have played out no matter what actions could have been changed on your part, because that "friend" wouldn't of changed. Then, I want to smack myself for staying awake playing it over in my head once again.

I am dumb because I am still letting you reside in my mind, instead of truly moving on.. I know it will take time, i wish I could blink and forget the last 7 years with you, but I can't and it sucks..

What's even worse, is now all your problems are my fault, I have created this pit you're in, when I really haven't. But that's what you believe, and its not a loss to you, you're not hurting because this is your vengeance. I try to make myself understand why, and I can't. How its so easy to not see me or my family. How hard it is for me to explain to my daughter you won't be around anymore. How I have had to delete all of your pictures, and take down paintings, and hide necklaces to try to force myself to not think about it. It really doesn't help. I try to make it seem like its not bothering me, but secretly it really does, and I think about it a lot..

You see I have felt a huge distance for about a year, like this gap, that's scary because I have tried to ignore it, but it was always there. I can't think of what triggered it, but the independence from the divorce, and the friendship with S I am sure had a lot to do with it. Then in the last few months, I barely recognize you because of the amount of changes you've made. Regardless if they positive or not, the ones that are not, are the very ones I am bumfuzzled about.

I am racking my brain to understand when we all became less important. when we became less of a constant in your life. Lately you have told me, you need to find your place, your happiness and you need time. How selfish is that? What was I going through when you were getting divorced? What about your first home treatment? I pushed away my troubles for you because you needed me. Have you thought about that? Have all the times I have relinquished time with my family to you meant nothing? You can't do the same for me? You do not have kids, and you can't do it? If you're not there for others when they need you, then why would they then need to be there for you?

I am 27 years old, and i have never lost a good friend, a "bestie" as you would say. I am hurt, and heart broken, and I can't forget about it, can't let it go. I even bought you a birthday present out of habit.Its as if I have lost a limb. I had to block you on my phone because I have caught myself dialing your number....

Maddy asked for you this morning, and it sent me into tears. She asks for you often and it always breaks my heart, you were her favorite you know?.

I know you will not see this, and I guess that's OK, but I really needed to get this out, so I can maybe find solace today, and forget it for a little while. I will always love you and have a place in my heart for you, but I can't be ok with the way things have been, and I can't be ok with not being on someones "list", and to make even more of a point, I will not let my kids not matter, I won't let them get hurt again.

Its an onward cycle.. one day it won't hurt as bad...

J

The end of times

2012-01-10T19:04:00.000-08:00

Quotes for me.. just for me

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.
-- Ann Landers

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?
-- Leo Buscaglia

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.
-- Gloria Naylor

You are responsible for your life.
You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction.
Life is really about moving on.
- Oprah Winfrey

In life, there's many things that we have to learn to let go. We have to let go of situations, things, memories, people and even ourselves.

It's easy to form an attachment to people and things. When you've formed an attachment to people and things, it can be a very painful experience and feeling when you realized that it's time to let go. Even the mere thought of not having that person or thing in your life just squeezes your heart in pain.

However, there are times where you or that person has changed to the extent that it's necessary to let go of the relationship or friendship, so that each of you can fulfill your life path.

Letting go of your past and memories are also extremely hard. Even though old memories can be tormenting, yet you might hold on to the past and refuse to move forward. However, by refusing to let go of the painful past, it'll serve as a roadblock to love.

Letting go of your old self and the process of letting the new you emerge can be one of the scariest experiences in your life. But by leaving behind your old self and taking a leap of faith into the unknown, it might just reveal what you are truly capable of becoming.

As i sit here crying at loss, loss of a very close friend, my heart hurts. Not at the loss though... it hurts at my meaning. Or the absence of what should have been my meaning. I was nothing, not important, merely a burden.

I am worth much more, I am worth time, I am worth phone calls, I am worth love, and I am worth friendship. NOT the mediocre kind either. GREAT friendship.

Sometimes you put walls up, not to keep people out, but honestly to see who cares enough to break them down, and she didn't.

I know people come in and out of your life for a reason. I guess for me, I just never expected that season to end.

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

This quote is perfect, because it is exactly what I feel right now. The way you react and what attitude you have speaks volumes about yourself. I need to work on this, a lot. My attitude is piss poor right now, about a lot of stuff.. but this has affected me to the point where I am so lost,confused, out of it etc.. that I don't know what my attitude is saying...

BUT, today is it.. I cried, I talked about it, prayed, called my therapist. Cried on my husband, talked to my friends, talked to my boss, and that's ENOUGH. I will not waste my life with feeling let down anymore. Loss sucks, but I have family, and other things that are more important than this.

"We can always participate in loose talks to curb our boredom. But when it comes to you friends its not worth it. Always avoid talking behind the back about your near and dear friends"

Two Frogs

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day. So be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words... it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way.

.For my friends, I ask this of you... I need you, not every moment of every day, but sometimes. I need love, and to know you are a live. To know you care and that I exist in your world. in return, I will be there for no matter what you may go through, even if it is 1 am. (although, I may be pissed :P) just be there... thats all. Its not much, but it is what this girl requires.

It doesn't take much to remain my family, not much at all. For now, I am going to eat a bowl of cereal and curl up in my cozy bed with my husband holding me, as he has the whole night while I have cried, and attempt to sleep this horrible day away.

J

New Year

2012-01-08T19:24:00.000-08:00

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint stowp!
And surely I’ll be mine!
And we’ll tak a cup o’kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou’d the gowans fine;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
Sin’ auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin’ auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fere!
And gie’s a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll tak a right gude-willie waught,
For auld lang syne.

Happy New Years!

2012

Gosh can you believe it... I am still sitting here open mouthed, gaping that its here. I have had quite a turbulent year, full of a TON of things. I am happy to say that my Thyroid came back clean. I have a tumor that is NOT cancerous, I will have to be monitored every three months due to its size, but hey its better than what it could have been. I got a new job, lost it, and got another job, which I LOVE. I am so blessed. I have decided that i will look at this year differently, starting by letting all my followers read something I read that really changed my pespective on a few things (THanks Katy Blake)It's called 30 things to STOP doing to your self

Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.

3.Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.
Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

I am telling you, I am very much an offender of doing more than half of this list. I will make the necessary changes to make MYSELF happy this year. It is a year for me, and my family, and NO ONE else. Good luck to all this year. Faith Hope love, and blessings, lots of blessings.

J

Life...blink..... woah it changed

2011-10-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

"Hold me responsible
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Hold me responsible
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Hold me accountable
It's all my fault, I want
You to hold me any way you can
Anyway you can "

Life.. well it changes in an instant, with a stupid phone call, or even a simple doctors visit. Your life as you know it can change just as quickly as the rain can start, or the sun sets, or you blink and a year is gone. I guess in the past, I've know this, but never truly felt it (other than blinking, and seeing my kids grow). Over the last month of my life, it has been MIND BOGGLING. I have started a new job, found the root of my back problems as well discovered the root of my weight problems, mood problems, and exhaustion problems.

What started as a nodule is now a cyst/ tumor on my thyroid. I can't begin to describe to you the feeling of loss when you have a doctor call you and tell you that basically you will have to have surgery and be on medication for the rest of your life, that something could possibly be cancerous, and that there is really nothing you can do about it..

Helpless....

I.AM.SCARED
I.FEEL.ALONE
I.AM. OVERWHELMED
I.AM.LOST

The timing in impecable.. I mean right? With everything else going on this is just added mmpphhh..

Life is literally punching me in my face..

How the hell do I get over this? How do I over come?

Pray, ok.. Check did that.. do i feel relief, well yeah, but I can't sleep.. I sit up awake or lay there awake thinking of my job, and being there such a short time, worried I may or may not be able to keep the job in the event of surgery, which at this point is inevitable seeing that he growth has doubled in size in 2 weeks....

Ask for help, done... called.. expressed.. I need help.. I need love.. i need support.. I NEED MY MOM, and she isn't here. she is 400 miles away, and I want her to hug me.. so much right now... My friends.. well they have lives that do not revole around my needs.. and i have to wait for them.. and it sucks

I am down for the count.. out... and well its hard to explain, and be optimistic when i have this cloud nailing me in the head ....

God will provide.. he will provide..

HE WILL PROVIDE

I need to keep reminding myself of that.. he only will give me what I can handle and nothing more...

BUT its really really hard..

Its so so hard..

Pray for my strength, It is fading quickly at the moment

<3 busy b J

My, amazing..screwed up....spur of the moment...high on life...thought process

2011-10-09T07:59:00.000-07:00

Why am I feeling so guilty

Why am I holding my breath

Worry about everyone but me and I just keep losing my breath....

My days have been long, and my time has been short... I feel lonely and like I am missing out on something... My life maybe?? I am not sure... My job is stressful.. Its not that I don't like it, its just.. a LOT.. and I really miss my sweet kids. I've gained weight from the stress, and I have hurt my back recently so it is making it difficult doing all the working out i did prior to my back pain...

October, while it is beautiful, and it is my favorite season, it is my least favorite month. We used to have an annual party every year for halloween... The last one we had was the best.. Jon and I dressed up as Madea and Uncle Jon.. we had a hot dog roast, carved pumpkins and made smores... My house was full of laughter and friends, and it was perfect.. This was the last Halloween Party that I think my house will ever hold. The memories and people from this last party can never be repeated, so in saying that, I do not want to replace those memories.

ha ha I remember Brandy showing me how Bain had gas (he was a newborn at the time) and showing me how she could take his knees and push the gas out.. ha ha ha her, me,Jon, and Paul laughed for hours. I remember talking about going to Sams, and getting certain things... Like I said these memories can never be replaced...

We miss him... a lot....

So I am not 100% now.. I will get there, and with Christmas coming and winter, I am optimistic of the wonderful seasonal changes, and the fun times ahead.

I am blessed with a beautiful family, gah they make me happy... so so so happy. Maddy comes up with the most amazin ways to make me laugh out loud... Morgan makes me want to freeze her in time, and Issak is the smartest kid ever.. he has all a's in school right now...

ALL things to be extremely happy and proud about..

On another note, I have recently realized that I miss my art, as well as my crafts... When I get paid on friday, I am going to invest in some of my craft stuff again.. people should expect a lot of cool home made gifts for christmas. I have a ton of ideas, and I can't wait to start.. :)

I am still slowy but surely working on music.. in more ways than anyone knows... I have a suprise that will blow my husbands mind... I can not wait for Christmas...

I end up rambling in my blogs.. ha ha.. It is a ton of random thoughts, I throw together on a website, BUT it makes me happy.. it makes me relieved, it makes me get things off my chest I wouldn't normally...

Like I want to go back to school, but honestly do not have the strength to make the leap... I have a few ideas of what I want to do... Art teacher, Social Worker, or I want to create my own business... possibly own a shop.. I don't know for sure yet, but I am meant for so much more...

We were meant to live for so much more

have we lost ourselves?

Somewhere we live inside

Somewhere we live inside

We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves?

Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence

And whether mice or men have second tries

Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open

Maybe we're bent and broken. Broken

We were meant to live for so much more

Have we lost ourselves?

This song rings true in me right now... I am sad.. I will be better.. but love me right now, be there, hug me when I cry, hug me when I smile, answer when I call... make time for the small things... I need to be surrounded by greatness this month...

Love you all
J

So.. about that...

2011-09-29T17:28:00.000-07:00

Love love love love love

I get so lost, sometimes

Days pass they pass and this emptiness fills my heart

When I want to run away I drive off in my car

But, whichever way I go I come back to the place you are

WWWOOOOOWWWW.. sometimes life is just ridiculously overwhelming... and I am sitting here realizing that I am not in the place I want to be. depressing.. well yeah, of course.. Mainly its a realization I am glad I have come to. So now there is a the question, where in fact, do I want to be... Well see, that's just it.. I am not sure. As far as my job, I am good there, I do like where I am, and the potential it holds as well as the people and friends I have made in just a little over a month. BUT.. there are things that I love that I am missing out on. There used to be a time that all I wanted to do was paint... FOR HOURS.. and I am pretty good at it, as well as drawing, and other crafty things. I haven't scrap booked in almost 2 years. Why?? I do not make time for me... the time I make consists of grocery shopping, or the occasional trip out with my girl friends. I used to be this amazing cultural, artistic person, and I feel like she is still here, but I am letting myself dissapear to support other peoples dreams.. my kids, and my husbands.. So now.. I am starting a plan.. As long as my job turns out the way I believe it will, I want to take some art classes, as well as make more time for music. My music... I want to write, as well as learn and work with other instruments... I know I can do amazing things... I believe in me, even if I have others surrounding me who do not. What worries me is I only have so much "mmmpphhh" in my step.. There is only so many times I can tell my self I am talented and feed myself the "lines" I need to make myself believe it.... without others support, or just reminding me what I truly am capable of, well I will lose my drive and stamina... Complacency at its finest.. which is where I am at now... I need help.....

Sometimes you have to look back

2011-08-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

November 2009.... I was at thanksgiving dinner at mt grandparents house. Maddy was 2 Issak was 6...My parents had come in for a visit... here is what i looked like then

Now I must say this date stands out the most to me because i was freezing and I borrowed one of my grandfathers jackets, and i could barely button it. I was in a size 28, and i weighed 286 pounds. Christmas came and i got a new fluffy red robe ....Issak looked at me and asked if I was related to santa clause cause I was fat like him....Right then and there i decided i was done.... My new years resolution was to lose weight...

I was on a mission... My goal to lose 100 lbs by then end of the year... I worked my butt off and by June I had lost 85... gotten down to a 20... I lowered my calorie intake to 1200 and excercised 7 (YES 7) days a week. I did zumba, curves, weight training, wii fit, and p90x.

Apparently I was feeling terrific about myself, because I got pregnant with Morgan... which resulted in....

9 months and 27 lbs later.. I had a beautiful daughter but had gone up 3 sizes... so I started again when Morgan was 5 months old.... Now I am happy to say that in all the gaining and losing and baby and everything I have lost 136 lbs. I weigh 187 lbs with my goal weight of 150 only 37 lbs away. I wear a 14 so I have dropped 14 sizes... i went from 46 inches around to 34 now... here is a recent picture...

I must say I am not done lately I have been working on toning and losing this last little bit... Monday and Wednesday I have been going to the civic center and trying to work out for at least 45 minutes. I made it to 320 crunches Tuesday with up to a 210 press... I am getting this off.. I've lost 4lbs and 1 inch since Monday. So for those who stand in my way, or for those who make excuses... SHUT UP put on your big girl/boy panties and do the thing. If I can do it ANYONE can...

J

and..... its just .......well It is a new beginning of a new book, but it just sucks

2011-07-26T03:56:00.000-07:00

You make me happy whether you know it or not
We should be happy, that's what I said from the start
I am so happy knowing you are the one
That I want for the rest of my days, for the rest of my days

I guess I should revise the above lyrics to say I am so happy that you are the friend that i've got for the rest of my days....

So I have this friend.. and let me say she is the best. She makes me smile and laugh and just be... See it sucks because I didn't get the chance to grow up with her, or know her in school, or hang out with her as regularly as i would have liked to until the last few years. Its kind of like I have found this diamond in the rough. This person who shines a whole new light on things for me, and she was there all along, but i didn't know her. Because of her, my entire perspective on life has changed. I am going to do something amazing with my life, and some of that is because of Shauna. The risks and amazing adventures we have had, well they have been just that..amazing. Stuff I would have never even thought of doing without her. I can chalk my tattoo addiction up to her... (Thanks for the expensive hobby dear ;p) Ya see, I have few friends that I consider true friends... Yeah I have those acquaintances and stuff, but the ones that i truly love and care deeply for fit on one hand. These friends are usually the ones who have profoundly inspired me and continue to inspire.. and they know who they are, I tell them regularly...I know I am not losing this friend, she is just going to be a little farther away than i would like..When I say.."I am going to miss her" its not one of those things I am saying because it is the right thing to say... I am seriously going to miss her. I think she will be taking a small piece of me to Chattanooga with her...

Missing you will hurt, but I know the adventures that are before you are great, and I know you will see me soon. You will be my forever friend, and I am lucky to have you in my life.... ALWAYS remember

Hello Darlin’

I see the pain you grow

And you’re just wantin’

To have a hand to hold

Securities unsettling

And Faiths not what you’d thought it be

So clear your mind

The answer you will find

And I know you’ll be Alright

And your tears will fade in time

And if you walk inside these lines

I will hold your hand tonight

In this light

You’ll be Alright

He’s no prince charmin’

But I love him anyway..

I know you’re askin’

What price will be paid..

It’s all a mixed philosophy

When heart and mind they don’t agree

Just give me time

To say goodbye

And I know you’ll be Alright

And your tears will fade in time

And if you walk inside these lines

I will hold your hand tonight

In this light

You’ll be Alright

Blurring lines of love

Pain it’s caused, emersed

Prayer forgotten, let it go..let it go

And I know you’ll be Alright

And your tears will fade in time

And if you walk inside these lines

I will hold your hand tonight

In this light

You’ll be Alright

I love you :)
J

would it be ok

2011-07-07T07:57:00.000-07:00

"I've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours
It's simply radiant,
I feel more with everyday that goes by
I watch the clock to make my timing just right
Would it be okay?
Would it be okay if I took your breath away?
And I'm wasting away,
away from you."

I can't sleep... I just lay awake a lot of the time staring at my ceiling. Thinking of everything. everything I could be doing, how I am going to feel in the morning due to the lack of sleep. What I can do with the kids, what I can do for myself... etc. I am desperate need of a vacation. Get away with my husband, who can't see this. I want to go somewhere for a couple of days and just relax. Sleep in, and never leave my hotel room. Is that so wrong? Probably would be nice to have a dependable sitter to count on for that one eh??? Sigh, I think my head is overwhelmed right now. with a ton of different stuff.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

I have been baking. Gosh I love it. I have been cooking and baking away my feelings.. ha ha cup cakes, bread, cake, you name it and I bet I have made it. Not good for my diet, BUT great for my morale.

Why can't life and big decisions, and everything be easier.... Why can't everyday be an awesome day, and I be swept off of my feet daily, and feel connections, and love, and gratitude, and.... something...

I think i need to write a book.. ha ha ha

Facing the wall, in a box

2011-07-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

working on a song... thought I'd share... with no music, its pretty lame I guess, but when you are solo on your music projects, well I guess that's what it is until you can find someone to give your story actual meaning (music).. and right now I am solo.. just writing

Get prettied up
Hoping they'll notice, praying that maybe this time
lost a few pounds...
Maybe they'll see, say something... anything

Desire is there
maybe it was, but its gone, confusion sets in
"you're so beautiful"
I believed it, not sure why, it was a lie

Chorus:
At night I face a wall
outdated, and dusty
a toy, stuck in a box
my tears won't subside
I am lost...

what can I do
facing this wall, its hurting, killing me
You just can't see
this shell of me, empty... empty

Chorus:
At night I face a wall
outdated, and dusty
a toy, stuck in a box
my tears won't subside
I am lost...

Bridge:
Help me to live, help me to see, fill up this empty part of me...
remove this wall, breakdown this box... see what you are missing..
can't you see what you are missing when you sleep?

Chorus:
At night I face a wall
outdated, and dusty
a toy, stuck in a box
my tears won't subside
I am lost...

I am lost

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

2011-06-27T10:48:00.000-07:00

Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be

I am in dire need of strength.I am having trouble finding myself in this mess of who I am right now. I am not sure why... I can not point it out, give you a reason, track it down. I have tried... Frankly, I am tried out. I haven't suffered some immediate huge episode, or traumatic event. Matter of fact my life is pretty average. I just seem to have lost myself at the moment, and have let the "seas" of depression sneak in for a bit. I am still a capable mom, and I love my kiddos, the chores get done, and I sit down with Jonathon, but I am completely empty at the moment... by the end of the day, I am "joyed" out. I am exhausted, and tired, and feel absolutely emotionally inept.

It is almost like I am mourning someone... The loss of oneself maybe? I am grasping at straws here honestly.. I feel like a ghost in my life, I am living it, but really am I? Or is it living me? 99% of the time people see me as happy bright uplifting and fun, but lately I have not achieved this. I seem like I am in a bad mood. I don't tell people my feelings, or what I am going through... Its hard to decide who you can actually speak to in your life without having to hear 1. their advice...2. how they overcame what you are currently going through..or 3. how much better their life is. DID you just hear me? I am currently feeling like a gaping pile of doo doo, and I do not care if you are happy... I am not..Help me, instead of boosting your ego.

I am currently running on fumes, and going through the motions... please excuse my absence in your life at the moment, as I am pretty confident mine is not quite where I need it to be, and I need to fix me right now. help is appreciated, but please don't do what i mentioned above....

I feel so broken....

This is not just about cupcakes, its about life!

2011-06-15T04:58:00.000-07:00

Broken shoulders resting on my back
Overloaded with a weighed stack
Higher and higher
Time runs tired

I wish I could get out of this funk... maybe i need a break, a get away. Just lately I have felt extremely unappreciated. I don't think its because anyone is necessarily meaning to make me feel this way. I honestly think most of it is in my head. I just do not think anyone gets what all a stay at home mom goes through in a day. So I am going to attempt to spell it out... This is my summer schedule

7 am: Wake up
7:15: Get all 3 kids dressed and ready for the day, brush teeth change diapers egtc
7:45: Breakfast for all 3 kids
8:15: Story time
9:00: TV time
(while tv time is happening, I clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry and get myself ready)
10:00: snack time, School work/ special projects
11:00 prepare lunch for the kids while they watch a movie
11:45: lunch
12:15: Nap time (yeah right.. IF they actually sleep)
12:15-2: This i my down time.. I spend it folding clothes, getting stuff ready for dinner, baking, cleaning up from lunch and eating my own lunch (which i sometimes forget to eat)
2:00: Snack time, outside time, playdoh time, lego time etc
2:45: story time
3:15: Movie time (while there is a movie going I make dinner star another load of laundry clean up from snack)
5:15: Dinner time
6:00: Bath time
7-8 family time
8:00: bed time prep
8:30: bed time
9:00: my bed time

I literally dont sit down some days, and if I want a break i have to get up at the crack of dawn...

Now I am not complaining. Please do not mistake it for that. I love my crazy busy life. What I hate is the people who think i do nothing all day.. like walk around and eat bon bons and let the kids run wild, or yell at them all day (as I have seen parents do). Amazingly, my house doesn't miraculously clean its self.. That banana bread didn't make its self, and no.. that amazing smelling food, it didn't cook itself.

Half the time I do not get a thank you, or even a wow mom that was good. Sometimes being a mom is very frustrating in the sense that you do it all, and the stuff you get in return doesn't always add up. I love my kids and my husband and hearing "i love you" and "I missed you" is always nice, but sometimes actions speak volumes.

Anyway... I am a very frustrated mommy.

No, I am not a different person, and not acting like a kid either

2011-06-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

Jump start my kaleidescope heart
Love to watch the colors fade
It may not make sense
but it sure as hell made me
I won't go as a passenger NO!
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down
I'll take in flame over burning out

Its funny when you go do wild and crazy stuff per say.. the word of the "birds" is that you are going through a mid life crisis or its because of who you hang around, and while some of the later may be true, most of the stuff I have done recently is stuff I have always wanted to do, I just simply haven't had the courage to do it. So for those out there who think I am making mistakes, or I am acting like a "kid" well, I have a two part word for ya... Shut it! Yup I said it. I had Issak young and I didn't have the chance to have cool experiences, since we have a reliable sitter now and stuff Jon and I both are getting to do stuff that we never thought we could... Its fun and EVERYTHING I do has a meaning to me. If you don't know the meaning then ask me. I will tell you, and if you still don;t get it, well then I am sorry. I am artisitc, I am fun, I am inspired, and I do what I think makes me happy!

"And doing so you can recreate yourself and you can also come up with something that is not only original and creative and artistic, but also maybe even decent, or moral if I can use words like that, or something that's like basically good."

"Every individual decision is nothing but coincidence, every artistic decision is coincidence."
Alva Noto

I will bid adieu' now... Life to live and all that Jazz

J

Because.. well sometimes you feel like a....nut

2011-06-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

This is my winter song to you
the storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea

My voice,a beacon in the night
my words will be your light
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love?

Ugggh I have felt so crummy as of late....Guess its my own fault, I have been so preoccupied with all kinds of other stuff... I need to get back to my basics and quit being so darn nice to everyone around me.... I have been so exhausted and tired and just blah, and I know it has shown in not only my demeanor, but in my dress and talking, and everything basically... Ya see these summer months have come, and they tend to make you REALLY self conscious and although I have succeeded on my weight loss journey this year, I am still not confident.. mainly because I still see yucky me in the mirror,and guess what if you have not been heavy you can not begin to comprehend...

To make matters worse,my voice has left... it comes and goes but not enough to sing much, darn allergies.. its more than annoying..

So if you have talked to me lately, and I have seem down, or different or rather "cold".. I can assure you, its not you.. I'm just not myself, and eventually I will come back around just give me a minute, or 10.. lol Love you all

As the world spins, Sometimes.. I just wanna stop...

2011-05-27T08:47:00.000-07:00

I'll be true, I'll be useful
I'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
And I'll belong to you
If you'll just let me through.
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

This month has been a trying month. Pretty sure its been because of my busy schedule as well as Jon having to work a lot of the weekends and the end of school coming. You ever have that time of the year that you blink and its gone? Well that has been this month. I am baffled that it is almost June.

I literally had something on my calendar every single weekend Since the middle of April. Birthday parties, weddings, graduations, dinners, bachelorette parties, fittings, etc etc.... I stay at home with my kids during the day, so i have been spending a ton of time with them, but as far as my husband and I go, we really haven't had good quality time together in the last 4 weeks.

It makes a relationship challenging when you do not have adequate time for one another because of either work or other obligations. In all honesty, it makes me love him more. I cherish the time we do get to spend together alone more because it has been such a long time since we have had time together. I can not, however, say its not completely frustrating... It is... Sometimes I feel like the world is spinning around me and I just want to stop for a moment and be with just him... no kids, no obligations... just time....

I love it when he is in a song writers mood (and I am not sick with allergies). We stay up late and write music, and I get to hear him play. He is so talented, more than he could ever begin to give himself credit for, and its funny because when I tell him this, he laughs. He just has no idea. We have a good thing going with music when we are actually blessed with time when we are not both exhausted, which has not been lately. Sleep hasn't been coming to the Harris house due to sick little girls and Tornado's. (anyone else SO over this weather??)Sometimes I feel like the world is spinning around me and I just want to stop for a moment and be with just him... no kids, no obligations... just time....

I do not tell him enough that I appreciate his sacrifices. We made a lot when I started staying at home, and he has to work a lot harder because of it, but it truly has been a great decision that has benefited the kids tremendously. Plus I am kinda sure he loves the house being cleaned and having a home cooked meal when he gets home.. WHEN and IF we both actually get to sit down together and have a meal... Sometimes I feel like the world is spinning around me and I just want to stop for a moment and be with just him... no kids, no obligations... just time....

All in all my husband is kinda awesome, and I am blessed he chose me out of everyone in the world. I am blessed to have an amazing family with him. I wouldn't change it at all..unless I had the ability to stop everything for 5 min...

Everyone stay safe, hug your other half, make them feel how much you love them, don't let time pass... The time may be approaching where you can't anymore. I am not sure what my future holds in some aspect, but i know it hold my family, and Jonathon by side...

Heaven is here
And tonight we are the only ones who feel it <3

My Grandpa

2011-05-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

Growing up in a small town, with a mom who worked 50 plus hours a week, and a dad who worked nights and two jobs at times, I don't remember a lot about my childhood (i had terrific parents and an awesome brother but this blogs not about them right now)... BUT i remember my grandpa. I remember swimming with him, and him slipping me certs in Sacrament meeting. I remember him taking me for a ride on the lawn mower, and teaching me how to wash a car. I remember him raking HUGE piles of leaves just so I could jump in them. I remember him playing baseball with me, and pushing me off the diving board. My pa pa taught me how to climb a tree, how to paint, how to inflate a tire. He used to sneak and let me drive on his road before I could drive. He would take me to McDonald's for cheeseburgers. Tell me funny jokes and stories, read me stories from the bible... As i got older I remember other things about him... i remember when he took my grandmother to the temple and finally got sealed. I remember his testimony.. I remember when he had his heart attack, and i remember seeing him in the hospital and crying my eyes out thinking I'd never see him alive again. I remember him when I had Issak and him crying and telling me how beautiful he was, and how he knew I'd be an amazing mother. I remember the day I moved to Mississippi and seeing him cry in my rear view mirror as i drove away, and seeing him cry the day I moved back. He has been my rock, my pa pa, my substitute dad, my best friend, my happiness, my everything. If something happened to him, I would be a shell. I love my grandfather more than words can say... This blog can't even begin to do him justice. He truly is one of the best gifts I have on this earth. I am so blessed to call him my papa.

I love you so much pa pa. Forever and always. God will provide. GOD WILL PROVIDE.

sleeples in gallatin continued.....

2011-05-17T07:03:00.001-07:00

Wednesday last week began my sleepless extravaganza. Jon was out at a concert and i was home... Daycare kids were picked up extremely late, so this started off my night late.... Morgan has been on breathing treatments off and on for the better part of April and May due to pneumonia, bronchitis, allergies, etc... The treatment is a nebulized steroid so sleep doesn't come much after she gets it.. Wednesday Maddy was being beautimous and decided that she would stay up until 12. Morgan however decided she would go to sleep at 8 and proceed to wake up every 10 min until 10 then get up and stay up until 12:15 am. I finally had to let her cry herself to sleep... i laid down and Jon got home about 20 min later... taking a shower etc.. at 2 am Morgan woke again, waking Issak and Maddy along with her. Thursday was worse... the entire day she cried and was very clingy. She wanted me to hold her pretty much all day... her breathing got worse. I spent 80% of the day on the phone with her pediatrician... that night was a little better in the fact i went to bed at 11, and was only woke up 5 times resulting in Morgan literally sleeping on my chest for the rest of the night. Friday was my break day... Jon's mom came and let me get out as I was on the verge of a nervous break down between that and my great grandfather being admitted to CCU, it was a little much, i came home and made dinner gave Morgan a treatment and had Erin's rehearsal dinner so I left, and it was daddies turn... According to Jon this night wasn't any better, Morgan laid down late. I went to bed about 1 am Saturday morning, because when i got home at 11, Morgan was awake. I got up at 6 because Saturday was Erin's big day.. (on a side note .. what an amazing day it was) the day was full of awesomeness, and we got home about 11 that night... Morgan woke up once and I had to give her a treatment, but she went back to sleep and woke up at 8.... When i got up i felt like a truck had hit me.. all the late bedtimes and sleepless nights hit me all at one.. Jon told me i looked like walking dead... at 10 I laid down and slept for 2 hours trying to hold Morgan all the while... FYI a baby on albuterol doesn't liked to be held.. like at all... She was tossing and turning and all over the place the entire nap, so restful isn't the word... we went to bed that night around 830..she woke up multiple times throughout the night... then came last night... OH EM GEE... we laid Morgan down around 7 i went to the grocery, when i came home that's when it started, the screaming out, and crying.. every 5 min for 3 hours she did this... it took me 2 hours to get the groceries put away due to this... Jon had taken 2 benadryl cause he was so sick and he was dead to the world... in and out up and down...i ended up doing this with her until 12:45 in the morning... Jon ended up going to sleep on the couch and I stayed up until finally at 1:35 she fell asleep. She woke up again at 4:30 then again at 6:45...and has been up ever since... I am so exhausted I can barely walk straight... sigh... I doubt my body can handle anymore sleepless nights so please pray my little girl gets better... she has been so sick with this breathing crap for so long that I am OVER it....

You SUCK allergies...

On a side note because she has been sick and contagious I haven't gone to the hospital for my great grandpa in fear Ill give him something from her.... Please pray for him... he isn't responsive and isn't really there

Sleepless in Gallatin... Kinda wish i was in Seattle

2011-05-17T06:05:00.000-07:00

At least if I were in Seattle.. I could get a glimpse of the mc's :)

today

2011-05-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

sucked...

Mothers day

2011-05-04T20:36:00.001-07:00

A quick view of why I am so happy and amazed to be a mother

Issak Alexander Harris born November 26th 2003 8 lb 7.5 oz loved him from the moment I met him.... My sweet boy...

Madalynn Kate Harris August 29th 2007 (like 2 weeks late) 10 lbs 3.5 oz I swear words can not express the first look at a child you didn;t think you would ever have... She was my miracle...and still is

Last but not least Morgan Elisabeth Harris February 11th 2010 8 lb 5 oz.. Ahhh sweet Morgan... This girl makes my heart grow more and more everyday... I fall in love with her constantly... She is amazing

Happiness, like most things, comes from mothers.
An amniotic universe is rare.
Paradises aren't found with others,
Perhaps because we must breathe our own air.
Yet even after paradise, we find
Mothers are a bath of warm affection.
Only mothers' love is truly blind
To guarantee all errant souls protection.
However we find love, it can be only
Evanescences of memories
Retained from when we never could be lonely,
'Ere we left our mother's outsized knees.
So good it is to have that happiness
Designed to grace each subsequent caress,
All future love and joy to underlie,
Yearning backwards towards a mother's sigh.

May everyone have a beautiful Mothers day

Some things you didn't know

2011-05-04T17:47:00.000-07:00

I feel like opening up a little tonight.. Maybe its cause I am here alone, and Jon's out doing something really cool, or maybe its because I have allllll these crazy ideas in my head, or maybe its because a friend recently told me that I don't talk about a certain side of myself... Whatever it may be, I am going to attempt to get a few things out...

My life as a mom started incredibly young... I was 18 when I had Issak. I spent the end of my senior year pregnant and my entire freshman year of college pregnant. and then in November I had a healthy baby boy, and my life as i knew it was over. Was it a bad thing.. No. It was a blessing, and I never would trade it for anything, but i will say it again, it was over. I then think my life I think became a blur... 4 miscarriages, a hard HARD second pregnancy producing my sweet sweet Maddy, dramatic weight loss, and a "OMG I PREGNANT" pregnancy that flew and gave us Morgan.

I know on some level, I am supposed to be something more than I am, and it wasn't until recently that I found a piece of what I think I want. I want to experiment with things, and express myself through writing songs. i want to sing... loud or soft and hit notes I usually only hit when I am driving down the road alone. I want to draw, and color and paint.. I want to play around with my clothes and my hair and make changes inside that make me smile... I want to express myself in art that people can see, and do stuff unexpected.. like zip lining, or cutting all my hair off... I want to be more of the organic person that comes across naturally. i want to do all of this with my husband... I want to share our talents and make something beautiful out of it. I want to be for others what i see in my mirror..

I never realized how liberating it is to write a song.. even if it has no significant meaning.. A song is so powerful and can be everything to someone. To know that I may have the ability to write this song.. well now can you see why its liberating??

I dunno.. I am just thankful after years of thinking and procrastinating, that now I have the opportunity to make up for lost time.. anywhoo Just a few things.. and here are a few pics of how I have been living lately

Zip Lining

Our Band the Strother Pass

Yes it is a tattoo. For many a thing..

Enjoying my husband..

and enjoying telling "you" about it

PEACE LOVE AND JAZZ
Busy Bee J

Easter.. a time of renewal.. THANK YOU

2011-04-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

Family pictures were Sunday afternoon. Lets just say the kids were less than cooperative. It was a heck of a day. One of those days where at the end of it the ONLY answer is ice cream... Sigh...It was miserable, but the glorious glorious happy part was today...when I got the pictures back.. I will let them speak for themselves

So the crazy day had great rewards... HOWEVER the following day.. not so much. Having a daycare is the HARDEST JOB I HAVE EVER DONE... can i repeat that? HARDEST JOB EVER. I have to do stuff I have never done before, there are days I do not sit.. there are times I want to go sit in another room and cry.. ha ha anyway Monday.. WOW it was a rough day.. we had a kid throw a fake vaccum at my 1 year olds head.. same kid punch my other daughter in the face because I made him share. NO NAPS and my oldest was home sick....can we say aneurysm... I think that would have been better... lol

Onto today... Today was great. I tried on my bridesmaids dress that had to be taken up another 2 inches on each side 10 inches in all...:) I am ubber excited about that. Went by the grocery and did a super awesome coupon job saved a butt load of money.. The girls were so cute. Maddy was pushing her little buggie and saying.. "MOM do we need cookies??" "MOM...do we need pudding" ha ha it was terrific. Morgan was all smiles as we went to the bakery and got them both cookies. We came home, Morgan went to sleep and Maddy and I dyed Easter eggs that I had bolied and we made Easter cupcakes.. Such and amazing day.

I am so happy for Easter. It is a time of renewal, a time for changes, and a time for remembering the sacrifices that have been given for us. I hope everyone has a safe and blessed Easter full of love and Family time!!

Busy Bee J

Change is good... Right??

2011-03-29T17:07:00.000-07:00

After much deliberation, conviction, thought, screaming, crying, yelling, and downright thinking, I left my job to stay at home. There were piles of reasons other than to spend more time with my kids that I will not get into, for those who worked with me, you know them, but i did it. My last day was the 25th. It was sad and happy all at the same time. I will miss my friends dearly, but i know this is where I need to be.

On another note Jon has left Post end, for personal reasons, and he and I have been working on music together. Its a blue-grassy folksy feel, but we like it. I have not sang in front of people without being in a group setting so this is very different for me. I am still being way too timid as my husband points out every time we record or practice.. I wish it were just that easy, to just sing, but I guess i fear so much that I will get a negative reaction that I just would rather not risk it. Guess I need to get over that seeing that we have a gig the 12th and 25th of April. We have chosen the name Strother Pass. It comes from an old mail route that runs through Cotton Town. It actually runs behind Jonathon's dads house, and when I first went out there to meet his dad and Step Mother It was one of the first things his dad told me about. It is so interesting, and we relate to it so much that it just worked for our name :)Its really a lot of fun working with him on something he has always been so passionate about.. even if we are getting NO sleep. LOL

I also started selling Pampered chef, which for me is not hard. I love the stuff :) It makes me happy, and people paying me to tell them how much I love the stuff and how they should buy it, well that makes me happy too.

Onto the kiddos.. Maddy is in the process of being potty trained.. YES fully potty trained. right now she is peeing like a pro, i just have to make her understanding the secondary component of toilet training.. Guess it will all take some time. Issak has made the AB honor roll all year :) He is so so soooo smart. he makes me smile. And Morgan ahh Jeez, everyday with her is amazing she just grows and does something new all the time.I am so blessed to stay at home and see these things now :)

To each I will leave you with a quote from my fave show of the moment "Trying is the first step to sucking" :Raising hope:

XOXO Busy Bee J

The Sickness Continues

2011-02-04T20:14:00.000-08:00

No one has my luck...

Yeah yeah you may think you do.. BUT YOU DONT..

NO you don't.. trust me

Right when we are smooth sailing from a stomach virus it comes and knocks on our door

BUM BUM BUM

The flu.

It hit Jon first taking him out.. then Madalynn, then me of course as I was the nurse. Morgan got it last. (Issak stayed flu free)

Getting through a week of that was wonderful, but Saturday Morgan started coughing hard, it got increasingly worse i took her to the doctor to discover that she had Bacterial pneumonia.Breathing treatments every 2 hours Steroids and a very tired Mommy. Sigh..

I have missed 2 weeks of work with no pay mind you. Depressed doesn't even begin to cover my feelings right now.I am tired, overwhelmed, heartbroken, and pretty alone. Sigh.. but outside of the sickness.. we had a pretty crazy January. Issak just completed his first full week of school in 2011, BUT WAIT there is forecast in the snow tomorrow.. LOL ...We have had ridiculous weather..

My weight loss is a no go so far... I lost 5lbs then gained 2 the lost 4 then gained 2.. Sigh I have been stressed because of the sick crap and basically eating whatever is in the house instead of eating the healthy stuff. I am starting a cleanse Monday to get rid of the toxins. Wish me luck.

Maddy will not sleep. she has been staying up until the wee hours of the morning.. IE why I am typing this so late. She is up roaming the halls.. my little Satan.. LOL

If you will excuse me I have to go start a breathing treatment because Daddy forgot it before bed.. Sigh February PLEASE BE GENTLE

What a life...

2011-01-08T21:40:00.000-08:00

New year.. New rules!

So my new years resolution was to keep my blog updated monthly... So here goes :) Our Christmas here at the Harris house was wonderful. Full of live, and the spirit. I am so very sad it is over. New years was probably one of the best and most entertaining parties we have had. I am in love with being surrounded by people I love, who love me as well. So now it's 2011. another resolution of mine was to run a marathon this year. I signed up for the music city marathon in April, and I also plan on doing one for Breast Cancer awareness. Wish me luck, I have another 40 lbs togo until goal!! Issak is getting bigger ever day.. I CAN NOT BELIEVE he is 7.. My little first grader is growing up, and it baffles me!

Maddy... Oh boy.. my little spit fire. She is getting big and growing up, and.. just.. WOW she is definitely paying me back 10-fold to the kind of child i was.. DEFINITELY

and Morgan... My sweet angel... She is walking, talking, on wole milk... She is nto a baby anymore, and I HATE IT... I do not want her to grow up. I miss her dependency.. but she is still so sweet, and oh how she loves her mommy.. She will be a year old in about a month....

There is a look into the last month or so of our life... More to come