Dealing with your ex as you go through the divorce process and try to figure out how to co-parent now that you’re no longer together, can be frustrating to say the least.

It has probably crossed your mind that it sure would be easier if (s)he would just disappear and stop interfering with your life, right?  Or why can’t (s)he be more like so-and-so’s spouse?  Well, the truth is, you can’t change your ex.  You can’t control your ex.  You can’t really avoid your ex.  And you can’t make your ex disappear.  Especially if you want what’s best for your children. 

Your kids want both of you in their lives and they really want you to get along.  They may want you back together, and since that’s not going to happen, the next best thing is to have a good, friendly relationship.  No, I’m not kidding, and no, I’m not crazy.

I’ve been there, done that.  I have a great relationship with my ex and his wife and their two kids.  I don’t tell you that to brag or to make you feel bad, but rather to let you know that it’s possible and you can do it too.  It didn’t happen because I’m lucky either.  It happened because I chose that path.  I made a commitment and I’ve done everything possible to stick to that commitment. 

For example, I told my ex up front, when we made the decision to get divorced, that I would not repeat what my parents did.  I knew he was concerned about our daughter and I let him know that was my primary concern too.  I told him the things my parents did that were the most harmful to my brother and me, and I explained that I wanted us to respect one another and make decisions together about our child.  I told him I knew how much he loved her and how much she loved him, and how important that relationship was to me.  I made it clear that I would never try to keep her from him or use her as a pawn, because I understood that she needed both of us in her life.

When we separated, I gave my daughter a photo of her with her dad to put by her bed.  It’s still there after six years.  She wanted to put a photo of the three of us on the fridge (from her first day of school) and I said “sure”.  These are simple things that really matter. 

Don’t underestimate the importance of the other parent to your child, regardless of what (s)he’s done or not done, and regardless of your feelings toward him/her.

I welcomed my ex husband’s girlfriend when they started getting serious.  I asked her to come in when they came over together for the first time to pick up my daughter.  I wanted her to feel included and as comfortable as possible because I wanted her to be good to my daughter.  I never wanted my daughter to be on the receiving end of someone’s dislike for me.  And so I gave her no reasons to dislike me. 

I realize how impossible this may sound to you right now, but I can’t stress enough what a difference it will make in your life, particularly long-term.  It goes back to the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.  Imagine if you started dating someone who’s divorced and has kids.  How awkward would you feel being the outsider, the new person, spending time with someone else’s kids?  How would you feel if the ex-wife or ex-husband was rude to you or said negative things about you to their kids? 

Wouldn’t you want a chance to show that you had no ill will toward them?  Wouldn’t you want a chance to show that you could be a positive influence in their children’s lives?  The fact of the matter is that both of you (the former spouse and the new partner) feel uncomfortable and aren’t sure what to do or say.  Make the first move and ease the tension.

Don’t pre-judge and don’t assume.  And remember that this person could be sharing a home with your kids one day and have a big impact on their lives.  Do you want it to be positive or negative?  You could be interacting with them for many years to come.  Also remember that they cannot take your place.  Your kids have one Mom and one Dad and that will always be true.  They may have additional “parents” who care for them (which can be a really good thing), but they know the difference.  They know who Mom and Dad are. 

Don’t act out of fear.  Act out of love.

Choose what’s best for your children and then make a commitment to stick to it, no matter what.  You’ll be glad you did.

To learn more about how to deal with your ex in a way that’s positive and benefits everyone involved, check out my new teleclass series that’s starting in mid-September at www.NavigatingMyDivorce.com.  Would love to have you join me!

Divorced Happily Ever After.

It’s like the nightly news.  What gets the viewers?  Nice, happy stories of people doing good deeds?  Or horrible, tragic stories of brutality and devastation?  Sadly our culture has come to thrive on shocking and disgusting stories.  We can’t look away.  We want to see how bad it can really get.  And the media is happy to oblige us with ever more frightening accounts of violence that lead us to feel unsafe and certain that the world is falling apart.

I don’t subscribe to this way of thinking or believing, so I rarely watch or read the news.  I keep up with current events just enough to avoid being completely ignorant about what’s happening in the world, but I don’t linger on the negative topics.  And when I find an uplifting story, I relish it.

I politely excuse myself or gently steer the conversation elsewhere when I find myself in a group of people who are complaining about the state of affairs or encouraging each other’s fears.  I think we find plenty to be afraid of in our everyday environment that there’s just no point in adding in more unnecessary fears.

And when it comes to divorce, I think we should do the same – steer away from the negativity.  Yes, divorce is difficult.  Yes, divorce is incredibly painful and sad.  Yes, divorce is complicated.  Yes, divorce can be heart-wrenching.  I get it.  I’ve been there, both as a child and as a parent.  And it doesn’t mean your life is over.  It certainly shouldn’t mean your children’s lives are ruined.

It all comes down to a choice. 

How do you choose to respond to your circumstances?  Do you want to be angry and stressed and miserable for many years to come because your marriage ended?  Is that what you choose?  Or do you want to be able to laugh and teach your children how to enjoy life, no matter the situation?  I truly believe we all have this choice, every day, every minute. 

And what you focus on, expands.  So if you focus on the negative in your life, that’s what you’ll get more of.  Notice the people you spend the most time with.  If most of them are unhappy/negative/complaining a lot, then chances are, you are too.  If this is the case, try elevating the conversation and mood and see what happens.  If they’d rather whine and complain, it might be time to find some new folks to hang out with.

So, what does “happily ever after” mean?  Certainly not the everything’s-always-perfect ideal that fairytales seem to promise.  Nobody’s life is perfect.  Life is ever-changing and we all have our share of challenges.  It’s how we respond to them that makes all the difference. 

Think about people you know who appear to have great lives.  I bet they’ve all got stories from their past of not allowing some external event to stop them, or learning a lesson about living fully and loving life.  Oprah Winfrey is an example.  She grew up very poor, was made fun of at school and was molested by a family member.  She could have lived a very sad life and nobody would have been surprised or disappointed in her.  But she chose to live happily after after.  She knew there was more to life and more for her to be in this life – and she went for it. 

You can go for it too.

Choose your happiness.

It’s in your hands. 

Happiness doesn’t mean having lots of money, or living in a fancy house, or even having great friends.  True happiness is about your attitude, your outlook on life.  It’s more of a constant.  I am very happy.  I have rough days sometimes and my life is far from perfect, but I am happy.  Am I smiling and laughing ALL the time?  No.  Will I ever love cleaning the house?  I doubt it.  But I know that life is so much better when I choose to be happy over unhappy.

I make a conscious choice that my external circumstances will not determine my overall well-being and love for life.  And I continue to make that choice over and over. 

Marci Shimoff wrote a book called ‘Happy For No Reason’, in which she gives tips and habits of happy people.  She explains that everyone has a happiness set-point that is their natural level of happiness.  So, yes, some people are just naturally happier than others (you know the always smiling and bubbly type), but there are habits you can practice that will increase your happiness level, no matter where you are starting out.

My challenge to you:  Choose to live happily.  You won’t regret it.

** I’ll be talking about this more in my FREE teleclass on Tuesday, August 24 at 7pm Eastern.  Sign up here. 
If that time doesn’t work for you, no worries, sign up anyway because you’ll get the recording the next day.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or a therapist and I do not make diagnoses.  This article is not in any way meant to downplay or discount mental disorders or imbalances that affect emotional states, such as depression, bi-polar disorder, etc.  For individuals dealing with these types of challenges, I am not recommending that you stop any current treatment or that you can make a conscious choice to be happy and that will “cure” you.

Give your children the gift of really listening to them.  We all want to be heard and feel like someone cares about how we feel and what we have to say.  Being heard and validated can give your children confidence and a sense of safety when they’re feeling scared and uncertain.

One of the simplest techniques you can use to be a masterful listener is to reflect back to your kids what they say to you.  For example, if your child mentions being worried about you not being married anymore, you can say “It sounds like you’re concerned about how things are going to be once we’re divorced.  I can understand why you would feel worried.”

You can also say short phrases to validate their thoughts and feelings, like “I know”, “That’s right”, “You’re right”, “I understand”, “I’m sorry”, and so on.  You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but because you’re focusing on listening it’s not a good idea to tell them why you don’t agree.  It’s much more important to allow them to say what’s on their mind and let them know it’s perfectly okay to be thinking or feeling whatever they are.  So when you don’t agree or like what they’re saying, you can respond with “I hear what you’re saying”, or “I appreciate you sharing your thoughts”, or “I’m so glad you told me what you were thinking.  Now I understand better what you’re going through”.

It’s okay to ask some questions to find out more, but be careful not to push for information or ask questions that sound judgmental or accusatory.  Focus on being curious and compassionate and you will be surprised at how much your children will open up to you.  The most important thing to remember is that they should do more talking than you.

Telling your children that you’d like to talk or sitting across from them and asking them questions one-on-one when you’re not doing anything else can feel intimidating or uncomfortable for your kids.  Depending on their ages, they will be more likely to talk when they are doing something else like coloring or riding in the car or playing a game.  If your kids are still young enough that you do a bedtime ritual with them, this is sometimes a good time to cuddle up together and talk about how things are going.

Be aware of what you’re children might be trying to tell you even when they’re not saying it directly.  Notice what they say to each other and pay attention to what they draw or write, at home or at school.  

Of course if you are concerned about their behavior or things they’ve said, written or drawn, certainly consult with a child specialist to make sure they get professional help if it’s needed.

“To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.” ~John Marshall

We all tend to be good at finding every single little thing we haven’t done perfectly and going over in our minds how we might have done things better or differently.

So I’m giving you permission right now to quiet that inner voice that likes to find fault and criticize, and to make a point of acknowledging everything that you’re doing well.  Look at what you’re accomplishing and where you’re making progress and give yourself credit for it.

Take some time at least once a week, and especially whenever you’re feeling down, and make a list of your successes.  They can be big or small and they don’t have to be tangible.  Maybe you held back when you were tempted to say something antagonistic to your spouse, maybe you had a great laugh yesterday with a friend, perhaps you read some helpful divorce support information or completed some paperwork you needed to take care of. 

Whatever you’ve done that makes you feel good, gives you a sense of relief, or moves you the tiniest bit forward – celebrate it.  Go ahead and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.  For some of the bigger items or those that have the most meaning for you, actually have a celebration of some kind.  You can celebrate alone, or with someone else.  Just make it fun and meaningful because the point is to feel good about yourself and recognize that you really are making progress.

You can sing and dance in your living room, have your favorite meal, go out with a friend, get a massage, or whatever makes you feel special and appreciated. 

It can also help to share your successes with others.  Tell a close friend or relative who will be happy for you and celebrate with you.  Feel free to share your successes here.  Just leave a comment on this blog – I’d love to cheer you on!

Think about other people you know or have come across (it’s always easier to see things in other people than in ourselves – at least at first).  Ever know anyone who was a jerk to the wait staff at restaurants?  I bet they were a jerk to people in other situations too.  Ever know anyone who made promises and always “intended” to do things, but never seemed to follow through?  Ever know anyone whose car was a total mess?  Do you think their house was neat and tidy?

Would you be willing to date a guy who’s been known to have a quick temper and get into fist fights with other guys?  Not me.  Would you be willing to date a woman who turns her nose up at anyone who doesn’t live in the “right” neighborhood or drive the “right” kind of car? 

Another quote I like, from Maya Angelou, is “When people show you who they are, believe them”.  It’s along the same lines.  Basically, if you look at someone’s behavior, even if you only see them do something once, that’s a clue as to what kind of person they are and how they will treat you.

I mention these quotes because unfortunately divorce often brings out the worst in people and I want you to really think about who you are and who you want to be.  Look at who you are being in your divorce.  Is this the REAL you?  Is this the person you want your children to know?  What about your friends?  What about your co-workers?

Don’t think for a minute that your actions and behavior in your divorce aren’t showing up in the rest of your life.  People at work will notice.  Your friends and family will notice.  Because how you do anything is how you do everything.  If you’ve become very negative and angry about what’s happening between you and your ex, your negativity and anger will spill over into every other piece of your life.

Here’s another quote for you: “What you focus on expands” ~Christopher M. Knight.  This means that you get more of whatever you put your energy into (like anger and negativity).  So the more negative you are in your life, the more negative your life will be.  But if you focus on being understanding and compassionate, you will receive more understanding and compassion from those around you.

When you aim a lot of anger and bitterness at your ex, you may think that is the only place it is going, but you are wrong.  “For what you do to others, you do to yourself.” ~Eckhart Tolle  First of all, it affects you deeply as well, and secondly it affects everyone else around you.  It is not as isolated as you may want it to be.  It is part of who you are and it changes how people view and interact with you. 

Other people who are focused on those same emotions will be drawn to you.  So you may find others commiserating with you about your situation or enjoy bashing your former spouses together.  This is because you share these negative feelings.  Conversely, if you begin to focus on forgiveness and collaboration, you will find that there a lot of nice people interested in helping you.  “You create your own reality” ~Jane Roberts

What I invite you to do is look at how you are dealing with your divorce and WHO YOU ARE BEING to deal with it in that way.  Forget what your ex is doing or who they are being – that is irrelevant.  They have their own path and their own work to do.  Focus on yours. 

Decide how you would like to behave if your divorce situation were ideal.  Then ask yourself these questions: 

• Who would you need to be in order to behave that way? 
• What do you want to teach your children (or others) about who you are as a person? 
• What do you want to teach your children (or others) about your character? 
• What do you want to teach your children about who they can be one day?
• Do you like yourself as you are now?  If not, what would you like to change about yourself?

These are tough questions and are not in any way intended to make you feel bad about yourself.  Rather, they are to awaken awareness within you about your values and desires, and whether you are currently acting/living in alignment with them.  If you find that you are not, don’t be hard on yourself.  Instead, be grateful for the new awareness and be curious about where you can begin to take small steps toward that alignment.  Remember, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson.

Many families have traditions, like an annual family trip to a special place, or a special celebration on Christmas Eve, or a Friday night eating place.

Traditions can be a lot of fun because they can be something to look forward to that create wonderful lifetime memories.  Sometimes they’re passed down from generation to generation, giving them even more meaning.  If your family didn’t have any traditions, then this is a good time to start one.  And if you had one that clearly isn’t going to be possible going forward because of the divorce, then it’s a great time to start a new one.

Some traditions may continue with your ex and the children, but will no longer include you.  For instance, the trip to Disney I mentioned where your spouse’s best friend lives.  Or Thanksgiving with your in-laws.  And you may continue some with your kids that no longer include your ex.  Like dinner with your parents.  But I encourage you to start something new, that won’t remind your children that someone is missing.

It doesn’t have to be big, like a trip, it just needs to be special and not something you do every day.  You want your kids to look forward to it and remember it fondly as they move into adulthood.  It could have so much meaning for them that they want to carry it forward and do it with their own children one day.

Here are some examples from my own childhood:

• Often on weekends, my father would make special pancakes for us in the shapes of animals or other objects (he took requests!)
• After church on Sundays, my mother would let us (the kids) chose any place we wanted to eat lunch (I think we took turns choosing so there were no arguments J)
• Birthday celebrations were a big deal in my family and we still celebrate all of them (including the adults), in person if possible
• We made a trip to the beach each summer and we took a trip to the mountains each summer (these were both drivable where I grew up)
• We visited our grandparents every so often and had special things we only got or did there.  I remember that my mother’s parents had a bowl with butterscotch candies in it and I would get to have one.  They also taught me to put peanut butter between two Nilla wafers and eat them like a sandwich – delicious!  And I never got that at home – only at their house.

Other options to get your own ideas flowing:

• Have a picnic at a special location each spring and each fall
• Do movie night together at home once a month (make popcorn or some other special snack)
• Have one night a month that the kids make dinner (if they’re old enough)
• Go to the library together once or twice a month and check out books – pick one to read together (if your children can already read – otherwise you’ll read all of them together of course)
• Have an annual or semi-annual camping trip
• Have a bedtime ritual (read a book, sing a song, share 3 things you’re grateful for, etc)
• Have a game night once or twice a month.
• Send your children postcards every time you go out of town.

Have fun coming up with your own traditions and ENJOY them!  Your kids will really appreciate it.  There will be so much of their childhood that they don’t remember – but these very special times with you that are repeated will be cherished by them…and by you.

If you’re a parent going through a divorce, you’re probably worried about how your children will be affected by the divorce.

If your kids are acting like everything is okay or even telling you that they’re fine, don’t believe it.  I’m not saying that you’re kids are miserable or horribly damaged, but they ARE being affected by your divorce.  Just as you are.  It’s impossible not to be.  The key is to minimize the impact by talking regularly, sharing feelings, encouraging openness and expressing love…a lot.

Your kids are going to be concerned about you and will often try to be especially good during this time because they don’t want to cause you any further upset.  They are already worried that your split may have something to do with them so they want to make sure they don’t cause any more problems.  It’s imperative that you make it very clear to your children that they in no way caused your marriage to end and that they cannot bring you back together either.

Younger children are more likely to think they are somehow at fault, while older children often get angry at their parents.  Some kids cry a lot, others show no emotion.  No matter how they act outwardly, they have a lot going on internally as they try to process what’s happening.  They aren’t capable of fully understanding adult relationships (even when they’re teenagers), so it’s a very confusing and unsettling time for them.

Let them know they can talk to you about how they are feeling and that you understand their anger, sadness, fear, etc.  Don’t try to convince them that everything is fine.  Instead let them say what they’re thinking and simply let them know you care.  Tell them how much you love them and that you will do all you can to help them get through the changes.

Don’t share too much information with them about why you are getting divorced.  They aren’t old enough to understand and this information can be very painful for kids.  Regardless of who did what, the children need to see their parents just as mom and dad.  If one parent is a jerk, let the children discover and decide that for themselves as they get older.  For children, anything negative about one of their parents makes them feel that they, too, are bad since they come from that parent.  So if you bad-mouth your ex, you are bad-mouthing your child.  Keep that in mind when you have the urge to say something not-so-nice in front of your kids (even if it’s true).

If your kids are in school or some kind of child care, talk with their teachers and care-givers regularly.  Let them know what’s happening and ask them to let you know if they see changes in your child.  They spend a lot of time with your children and will likely notice if anything is different, and your kids are more apt to act out when they’re away from you.

Divorce is so difficult on the two adults going through it, it’s often hard to muster the energy to take care of anyone else.  I know.  But your children need you now more than ever.  Do your best to be present with your kids, to check in with them and let them know how much you care.  Plan some activities that you can enjoy together, so you can all get a break from the heaviness of the “divorce stuff” and enjoy life.  Laughter truly is great medicine.  The more you’re able to still have fun and laugh, the more your children will feel like things really are going to be okay.

NOTE: For more in-depth information on how to talk to your kids about divorce and what to expect from them at various ages, check out my new How To Tell Your Friends and Family That You’re Getting Divorced Kit.  This includes a bonus report on How To Tell Your Kids You’re Getting Divorced.  Full details at http://HowToTalkAboutDivorce.com

Summer is especially crazy for many families as we try to schedule camps, visiting grand-parents, visiting friends, sleepovers, swimming lessons, vacations and all the other common summer activities.  When you get divorced, this can be even more difficult.

Here’s the situation in my family.  My parents are divorced and my father is remarried.   I’m divorced and my ex-husband is remarried.  They have two children of their own (half-siblings to my daughter).  So my daughter has four grand-mothers and two grand-fathers, whom she all loves and who all adore her.  None of them live in the same city we live in (yet).  Of course they all love to spend time with her.  So every time she has a break from school (like now), we’re trying to figure out who’s coming to visit or where we’re going.

It can be a little stressful and challenging.  But don’t get me wrong.  I’m thrilled that my daughter has so many wonderful adults in her life who care about her. 

The thing is, this would never work if her father and I weren’t willing to be flexible and reasonable, and regularly discuss our calendars.  We share physical custody 50-50, so we have our “normal” schedule which includes every other weekend and half of the weekdays that she’s with each parent.  But things come up.  That’s just life.  So we change it sometimes.  We talk about it and we change it when it makes sense.

I don’t want to keep my daughter from spending time with her other grandparents, so if they happen to be visiting on a weekend she’s “supposed to” be with me, we mix it up.  Maybe she spends half of the weekend with them, or maybe we swap weekends.  For July 4^th, we all went to the fireworks together.

Be as open and flexible as you can, while still maintaining some routine for your kids.  It makes a big difference, particularly as your children get older and care more about attending certain activities with their friends.  Don’t prevent them from going to a birthday party or attending a school function just because it’s “your weekend”.  There may be times when this does make the most sense, but don’t make it a habit.  You don’t want your children equating going to your house with missing out on things they enjoy.

It’s important to figure out a method that works best for you to keep track of all the events and activities that your kids are involved in, as well as your own schedules.  Some parents are comfortable picking up the phone and talking about it, or getting together in person with calendars in hand.  Other people prefer to communicate via email.  Another option is to create a calendar online (Google calendar is one) that you can both view and update.  Just make sure you both know what’s going on and be flexible.

But when you re-live the past or wish for things you no longer have, you are incapable of moving forward.  You close off so many chances for joy, love, excitement and fun.  You can’t see all the wonderful opportunities and experiences that are before you, when you are in denial of who and where you are today.  Hoping and wishing that things were different or that this will all be over, will not make a difference.  In fact, you will only be more disappointed, because nothing will change, or it might even get worse.

Letting go of the past can be a big challenge, I think in part because of the way it’s described.  When you say “let go of the past” or “put the past behind you”, it implies that it has no value, that it’s going to be wiped away forever, the good and the bad.  But it’s not.  Just because something is over, doesn’t mean that all the great memories must be erased.  You will always have those memories.  The key is to recognize that they are memories, and not something to cling to and wish for and think about all the time.  By living in those memories, you hold yourself back in your current life, and you don’t allow yourself to make any more great memories.

A ceremony is a great way to honor and recognize something of importance in your life, and to mark an ending and a beginning.  Take all the photos, notes, gifts, etc that you have from the years you were married that represent good memories and create a special place for them.  Put them in a scrapbook, a special box, a photo album, whatever works for you.  If there are items you don’t think you should keep, but have a hard time getting rid of, take a picture of them and then let them go.  Now you can still look at them when you choose to, but you don’t have the clutter.  As you look at all of your mementos, be grateful for those experiences, those times of joy and fun.  Really give thanks.

Now write down all of the “negative” things that have come from the ending of your marriage.  All the things that you are sad or angry about.  When you’re done, read your list out loud.  Now have a little ceremony.  Give thanks again, this time for all that you’ve learned through this process, for all the ways that you’ve grown as a result.  Let these past hurts and frustrations know that you are ready to let them go because you want to move forward in your life.  Tell them they have no power over you any more.  Now burn the list (or tear it up into small pieces) and bury it in your yard.  This marks a turning point for you, from living in the past, to living your life.

Remember that every ending is also a beginning.

Now I think this is great because how often do children bring home papers that get thrown into the mail pile, tossed aside, or forgotten in the bottom of a bookbag?  I really think it’s a wonderful way to remind parents about what’s going on.

So here’s the problem:  Whoever created the system, only allowed ONE phone number to be entered per student.  That’s perfect if every child lives in one home, or has divorced parents but only one of them is involved in their school life.  But what about the many children these days whose parents are divorced and both parents actively participate in their lives?  It’s really not fair to expect the parent who receives the phone calls to then call or email the other parent and relay all of the information to them.  They just shouldn’t have to do that.  The phone service should call them too.

And what about situations where the divorced parents aren’t so chummy?  Do you think the parent getting the phone calls is ever gonna bother letting their ex know about the school play or the meet-your-new-teacher night?  No.  And then when that other parent doesn’t show up, how does the child feel?

Time for parents to complain to the schools about it, and get the schools to complain to the vendors about it, and maybe eventually it will get updated to allow for all types of families to be “in the know”.