Divorced Parenting

Trust Evangelist

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 18:17:00 +0000

I have several titles: Parent Educator / Trainer / Entrepreneur / President / Founder / Conflict Coach / Parent Coach / Owner of Three Trusts, Inc.

I've just added Trust Evangelist as my main title. What does this mean? It means that I am an evangelist for trust ... I want more people making the decision to trust others. In my classes, I teach parents how to trust themselves more, how to make the (sometimes very difficult) decision to trust their ex-spouse to be a good enough, and how to trust their children. So much conflict is reduced when one makes the decision to trust the other person.

The December 29th issue of Time awards Barak Obama as Person of the Year. This is not a surprise, obviously. Here's a quote from Obama, which will explain why I am mentioning it here:

"I think people generally want to do the right thing, and if you're clear to them about what that right thing is, and if they see you doing the right thing, then that gives you some leverage."

And quoting the article itself: "Trust of this kind has been in short supply for many years in American politics, where the dominant attitude is that every disagreement is a sign of bad faith and every opponent is assumed to be malevolent. Obama’s attitude was ridiculed as kumbaya naivete during the campaign, but trust provided to be essential to his victory. His campaign entrusted millions of volunteers with unprecedented authority to download information about prospective voters, to assign themselves to make phone calls and canvass their own neighborhoods and apartment buildings, and to keep the campaign abreast of their progress. A typical presidential effort is top-down, intensely protective of its data and strategies. Obama’s approach seemed to court mischief or even chaos. ‘There was a lot of snickering among the political pros,’ says Plouffe [Obama’s campaign manager]. ‘They couldn’t believe that we were giving people we didn’t know access to our data and trusting them to handle it honestly. But it was enormously important because it made people feel that much more accountable: ‘These are my three blocks, and everyone’s counting on me.’”

This is an example of deep trust in one particular arena, and I know the political can seem far from the family. But it is an example that supports my view that when trusted, people are more likely to rise to the occasion. And the benefits of trusting someone far outweigh our tendency to distrust. I believe that when distrusted, one is more likely to become untrustworthy.

So there it is. I charge you to think deeply about your own trust issues. And ask yourself the question, what would happen if I decide to trust in this case? With this person? I’m not talking about being naïve or stupid. But ask the question, think about it, and decide how you want to live your life. I truly believe that Living in Trust makes your world a much better place.

Child-Centered Divorce

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 13:16:00 +0000

I've recently connected with the initiator of National Child-Centered Divorce Month (which is each July), Rosalind Sedacca. She has written an interesting book: How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? This book walks parents through developing their own personalized storybook to use with the children, in order to get across the important messages children need to hear from their parents during the difficult transition:

This is not your fault.
Mom and Dad will always love you.
Mom and Dad will always be your Mom and Dad.
You are, and will continue to be, safe.
This is about change, not blame.
Everything is going to be okay.

Might sound simplistic, but whatever can be done to get parents to stay with these messages, in a consistent and loving way, through the transition, will help children tremendously.
Rosalind laments the irony that people often put more energy into throwing a party than telling the children about this devastating situation. How true!

You can learn more about Rosalind at her website: www.childcentereddivorce.com. And you can learn more about the book at: howdoitellthekids.com.

Thanksgiving Address

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 16:35:00 +0000

Greetings to the Natural World

The People
Today we have gathered and we see that the cycles of life continue. We have been given the duty to live in balance and harmony with each other and all living things. So now, we bring our minds together as one as we give greetings and thanks to each other as People.

Now our minds are one.

The Earth Mother
We are all thankful to our Mother, the Earth, for she gives us all that we need for life. She supports our feet as we walk about upon her. It gives us joy that she continues to care for us as she has from the beginning of time. To our Mother, we send greetings and thanks.

Now our minds are one.

The Waters
We give thanks to all the Waters of the world for quenching our thirst and providing us with strength. Water is life. We know its power in many forms—waterfalls and rain, mists and streams, rivers and oceans. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to the spirit of Water.

Now our minds are one.

The Fish
We turn our minds to all the Fish life in the water. They were instructed to cleanse and purify the water. They also give themselves to us as food. We are grateful that we can still find pure water. So, we turn now to the Fish and send our greetings and thanks.

Now our minds are one.

The Plants
Now we turn toward the vast fields of Plant life. As far as the eye can see, the Plants grow, working many wonders. They sustain many life forms. With our minds gathered together, we give thanks and look forward to seeing Plant life for many generations to come.

Now our minds are one.

The Food Plants
With one mind, we turn to honor and thank all the Food Plants we harvest from the garden. Since the beginning of time, the grains, vegetables, beans and berries have helped the people survive. Many other living things draw strength from them too. We gather all the Plant Foods together as one and send them a greeting and thanks.

Now our minds are one.

The Medicine Herbs
Now we turn to all the Medicine Herbs of the world. From the beginning, they were instructed to take away sickness. They are always waiting and ready to heal us. We are happy there are still among us those special few who remember how to use these plants for healing. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to the Medicines and to the keepers of the Medicines.

Now our minds are one.

The Animals
We gather our minds together to send greetings and thanks to all the Animal life in the world. They have many things to teach us as people. We see them near our homes and in the deep forests. We are glad they are still here and we hope that it will always be so.

Now our minds are one.

The Trees
We now turn our thoughts to the Trees. The Earth has many families of Trees who have their own instructions and uses. Some provide us with shelter and shade, others with fruit, beauty, and other useful things. Many peoples of the world use a Tree as a symbol of peace and strength. With one mind, we greet and thank the Tree life.

Now our minds are one.

The Birds
We put our minds together as one and thank all the Birds who move and fly about over our heads. The Creator gave them beautiful songs. Each day they remind us to enjoy and appreciate life. The Eagle was chosen to be their leader. To all the Birds—from the smallest to the largest—we send our joyful greetings and thanks.

Now our minds are one.

The Four Winds
We are all thankful to the powers we know as the Four Winds. We hear their voices in the moving air as they refresh us and purify the air we breathe. They help to bring the change of seasons. From the four directions they come, bringing us messages and giving us strength. With one mind, we send our greetings and thanks to the Four Winds.

Now our minds are one.

The Thunderers
Now we turn to the west where our Grandfathers, the Thunder Beings, live. With lightening and thundering voices, they bring with them the water that renews life. We bring our minds together as one to send greetings and thanks to our Grandfathers, the Thunderers.

Now our minds are one.

The Sun
We now send greetings and thanks to our eldest Brother, the Sun. Each day without fail he travels the sky from east to west, bringing the light of a new day. He is the source of all the fires of life. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to our Brother, the Sun.

Now our minds are one.

Grandmother Moon
We put our minds together and give thanks to our oldest Grandmother, the Moon, who lights the nighttime sky. She is the leader of women all over the world, and she governs the movement of the ocean tides. By her changing face we measure time, and it is the Moon who watches over the arrival of children here on Earth. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to our Grandmother, the Moon.

Now our minds are one.

The Stars
We give thanks to the Stars who are spread across the sky like jewelry. We see them in the night, helping the Moon to light the darkness and bringing dew to the gardens and growing things. When we travel at night, they guide us home. With our minds gathered together as one, we send greetings and thanks to all the Stars.

Now our minds are one.

The Enlightened Teachers
We gather our minds to greet and thank the enlightened Teachers who have come to help throughout the ages. When we forget how to live in harmony, they remind us of the way we were instructed to live as people. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to these caring Teachers.

Now our minds are one.

The Creator
Now we turn our thoughts to the Creator, or Great Spirit, and send greetings and thanks for all the gifts of Creation. Everything we need to live a good life is here on this Mother Earth. For all the love that is still around us, we gather our minds together as one and send our choicest words of greetings and thanks to the Creator.

Now our minds are one.

Closing Words
We have now arrived at the place where we end our words. Of all the things we have named, it was not our intention to leave anything out. If something was forgotten, we leave it to each individual to send such greetings and thanks in their own way.

Now our minds are one.

This translation of the Mohawk version of the Haudenosaunee Thanksgiving Address was developed, published in 1993, and provided here, courtesy of:
Six Nations Indian Museum and the Tracking Project
All rights reserved.
Thanksgiving Address: Greetings to the Natural World
English version: John Stokes and Kanawahienton (David Benedict, Turtle Clan/Mohawk)
Mohawk version: Rokwaho (Dan Thompson, Wolf Clan/Mohawk)
Original inspiration: Tekaronianekon (Jake Swamp, Wolf Clan/Mohawk)
Thanksgiving Address Fund
c/o Tracking Project
P.O. Box 266
Corrales, New Mexico 87048

Conflict Dynamics Profile(R)

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:23:00 +0000

I'm happy to say I've recently been certified to administer a powerful tool for understanding your responses to conflict, and how to become more conflict-competent. The Conflict Dynamics Profile can be used as an individual assessment, or it can be used as a 360 assessment, using responses from bosses, peers / colleagues, and people who report directly to you. My 11-yr-old daughter assessed me, as one of my direct reports! :)

Although it is more often used in a workplace environment, I think it has useful applications for parents. For one thing, learning to be conflict competent is our mission at Three Trusts. Executive leadership training can be very useful for parents, who are the executive leaders of their home and children! All the traits that good leaders possess work especially well in the home: respect, ability to listen well, constructive problem-solving, etc.

We all know how inescapable conflict is. And we all know there are two distinctly different forms of conflict. The best is constructive ("cognitive") conflict, where the ideas and concepts are focused on. And we all know the worst conflict becomes personal ("affective conflict"), highly emotional and damaging. The work of Three Trusts is to decrease (eliminate!) the destructive affective conflict, while encouraging and increasing skills in the constructive cognitive conflict.

I've been enjoying speaking to groups in the greater Denver area about conflict resolution. I'd love to speak to your group as well. Give me a call!

Fathers and Austin

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 15:10:00 +0000

Here in Golden, CO, we just finished a successful Three Trusts workshop for fathers, funded by the State of Colorado Fatherhood Initiative.

Parents take the Three Trusts workshop because:

1. It will help them reduce conflict in their life, especially with the other parent;
2. Because they will learn proven techniques to live more peacefully; and
3. Because their children will benefit from a more stable household.

These courses are taught in the Denver metro area, and online. The online workshop is convenient, for anyone with a phone and a computer, if the Colorado course is too far away. Click here for more information.

I'll soon be attending the national conference of the Association for Conflict Resolution in Austin. I'll be in Austin from Monday, Sept. 22nd through Saturday, Sept. 27th. If you are in town as well, I'd love to see you!

Three Trusts, Inc., is all about personal transformation and journeying along pathways of peace. Please let me hear from you!

Opening Your Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 00:55:00 +0000

My work is about heartspace. To live in trust is to live with an open heart.

What happens when the world is falling down around you? How do you come to a place of calm, with a peaceful heart? How can you trust when your heart has been so broken?

First, accept that it is possible.

It is possible for your heart to break open, for you to once again live in a world of love and peace and trust. It is possible for you to use the most excruciating experiences as a crucible, through which you emerge transformed.

Finding a bit of quiet time, for yourself, for reflection, is crucial. How much time, how many minutes, have you given yourself today for reflection, for restoration, for spirit-nourishment?

Radio Show: Reducing Conflict in Divorce

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:17:00 +0000

I enjoyed being on a panel this morning, on KGNU radio in Boulder, CO, part of their quarterly program on Conflict Resolution. You can go to the site: KGNU, and either stream the broadcast or download it. The download is the whole newscast, from 8am to 9:30 this morning, but the Conflict Resolution program ran from 8:35 to 9:30.

Also, check out my new website design, ready for the Three Trusts, Inc. Grand Opening and Ribbon Cutting, new digs in downtown Golden (2nd floor of the Golden Visitors Center!):

www.threetrusts.com

I'm looking forward to posting regularly again on this blog. I've needed some personal downtime, contemplative time, before the launch of the business. I've got classes scheduled now through June, both in Golden and on-line. I look forward to hearing from you!

Love,

Ruth

Self Care

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 19:47:00 +0000

Are you taking good enough care of yourself? Do you have moments for yourself?

You know, of course, that if you aren't taking good care of yourself, you aren't much good to your children. Sure, you may be able to provide structurally for them, housing, food, clothing, etc. But if you aren't taking care of yourself, emotionally, spiritually, you can't be present for them emotionally or spiritually either.

Everyone is different; 10 minutes meditation each day might be perfect for one person; taking a belly-dance class might work for another. The point is that you need something specific that is solely yours; time for you alone, with no one around for you to caretake.

So, what is it that you need? What aspect of your life have you been neglecting? Do you need help sorting through the detritus of life, to find where you can find yourself?

the Ultimate Attribution Error

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 17:23:00 +0000

This is a high-falutin' academic term for something we all know about and have participated in many times. Social Psychology is a discipline that studies group behavior. In studying persistent inter-group conflict (the Hatfields and McCoys ring a bell? How about Israelis/Palestinians? Catholics/Protestants in Ireland?), this behavior was recognized and studied.

Okay, think "in-group" and "out-group." Of course, whatever group YOU are in is always the in-group. Let's say, hypothetically, you are an African-American (in-group) walking down the street, and a member of the out-group (European-American) is walking towards you. You make brief eye contact, and she immediately turns her head away, walks quickly across the street and continues on the other side. You feel outraged, thinking, Does she think I'm a robber? What a racist!

But, same scenario, different players: Another African-American, a former classmate, does the same thing. You make brief eye contact, she immediately turns away, crosses the street and walks quicker. What is your response now? May be bewilderment. Perhaps you will call after her: "Tonya, hi, how are you?" And she might respond, "Oh Janelle, hi, talk to you later, I'm late!" as she hurries off.

In the first instance, you attributed the negative behavior of a member of the out-group to an internal condition (her personality, she's a racist). Same behavior of your in-group, no judgment on her; you pass it off to an external condition; she's late for something, nothing wrong with her personality.

When you judge a member of the out-group in this way, it tends to solidify your own feeling of being Right and the other person (and by extension, the whole group) as being Wrong.

Can you see how this applies to divorced parents? You become the in-group and your ex becomes the out-group. (Oftentimes, it is extended to include whole families as well; the in-laws become the out-group.)

So, a negative behavior exhibited by your ex (say, being late) will be attributed to an internal condition (such a rude, inconsiderate person!). But if a friend of yours is late, you will pass it off as being out of her control -- stuck in traffic -- due to an external condition. It doesn't reflect on their character as a person.

Same thing with positive behaviors. If your ex does something right, something good, you might attributed it to a negative internal reason (s/he is only volunteering at Janie's school to try and look better to the Court -- or s/he only bought Johnny that bike to "buy" his love). But if some other important person in the children's lives volunteered at their school or bought one of them a bike, you would appreciate it as an act of love towards the child.

Are you guilty of mis-judging in this way? Have you ever, in your mind, distorted a positive or negative behavior by your ex in this way?

I ask you to watch your reactions over the next week to the behaviors, positive and/or negative, of your ex. Are you suspicious of the motives of positive actions? Do negative behaviors simply confirm your judgment of their bad character? If so, have you ever excused that same behavior in yourself or friends?

Stay out of court if you can

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 15:47:00 +0000

To best ensure future and effective co-parenting after separating, you simply must try and stay out of court if at all possible. A contested hearing between parents produces a toxicity that inevitably damages the children and creates tremendous barriers to positive communication between the parents.

The nature of our legal system, the advocacy system, where each parent has a lawyer advocating for them only, can create a monster in itself. Each side is building up their “good” side and minimizing all their own faults. At the same time, each side is magnifying the faults of the other parent and minimizing the positive characteristics of the other parent. This scenario leads to battle, where each side is convinced that they are Right and the other side is Wrong. It creates a black and white myth, filtered and distilled from a complicated, interwoven tapestry of many colors and many shades of gray.

Do you think parents ever stretch the truth in their pursuit to win the court battle? You bet they do. Once you move beyond the truth, you are locked into that exaggeration, that lie. Inevitably, after a contested court hearing, each parent believes the other one lied on the witness stand. Things get said that can never be taken back. It is so much more difficult to work well with that parent in the future for the best interests of the children.

Here’s a wonderful website: http://www.uptoparents.org/

The main message is:

Parents –
If you are in conflict,
Your children are in danger.
And only you, their parents, can
Protect them from that danger.

Please visit this site. If you are a divorcing or divorced parent, working through the material on this site will be invaluable.

Trusting Yourself as a Parent

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 16:51:00 +0000

What does it mean to trust yourself? DO you trust yourself as a parent? Is there someone who knows your child better than you? Is there someone else thinking more clearly about what is best for your child?

Unfortunately, so often during and after a contentious divorce, one parent is criticized heavily by the other parent. Perhaps you didn’t see eye to eye with that parent while you were living together and co-parenting under the same roof.

Trust is a decision. Go ahead and make the decision to trust yourself and your parenting. Stop second-guessing all your decisions. When you hear that critical voice (often the other parent is the critical voice in our head), remind yourself that you trust your own parenting and you can make good decisions.

What will help you trust yourself? Slow down and take the time you need to make decisions. Slow down so you can respond appropriately to input (whether it is advice, constructive criticism, or epithets hurled at you from the other parent). The best immediate response is a neutral response: “Hmmm. You might be right. I’ll think about that.” And then think about it.

Did you have a very strong reaction to the input (you’re not providing enough good nutrition! You’re letting her watch too much TV! You’re not helping with homework enough!)? If you have a very strong emotional reaction, there’s a good chance you are unsure of yourself in that area. Is there a grain of truth to what is being said?

Perhaps you are too busy, too rushed, and planning meals and providing decent nutrition has gotten overwhelming. Who is in your support network who could help you? How is your support network? How is your self-care right now? Your own self-care is critical to being a good parent to those children. What small step can you take today to take better care of yourself? What small step can you take today to turn away from self-critical thoughts and move towards confidence in yourself?

Very important in trusting yourself as a parent is to realize that most decisions you make are not earth-shattering: dinner at home today or at McDonalds? let them continue working on that project they're enjoying or keep the bedtime routine as scheduled? It's when you ALWAYS eat at McDonalds that you might need to review your habits, or when they NEVER have a bedtime routine established. Children are amazingly resilient. Trust them, too.

When you do trust yourself, you act with confidence, which will benefit your children. The better you feel about yourself, the better you are able to love them fully and show up for them emotionally.

Jane Herman has a wonderful article about learing to trust yourself (easy to say, not always so easy to do). Her main points:

Accept that there is no one right answer;
Recognize that you will never have 100% of the information you would like to have to make your decision;
Try on a new framework; you don't need to HAVE all the answers, you just need to be able to FIND the answers;
Learn to communicate clearly;
Learn how to use the inputs of otherw wisely;
Learn to accept responsibility for your decisions;
Learn to trust your intuition and your body;
Keep your filters updated;
Trust the record (your own record);
Often it's OK to take the path of least resistance;
Learn how to insulate yourself from the potential negative effects of your decisions; and
It's your decision.

You can read the whole article at: http://www.witi.com/growth/2004/trustyourself.php

And as Dr. Spock says: "Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

New Web Site

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Sun, 29 Jul 2007 04:00:00 +0000

I've had my head in web-development this week. I invite you to view www.threetrusts.com. It is still a work in progress, but is a good start.

The Courage to Change the Things I Can

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 22:26:00 +0000

What can you change? Can you change your child’s other parent? Have you tried in the past? Did it work? (I didn’t think so.)

What CAN you change? Yourself? YES!

Truly, you have so little control over so much, but what matters the most in your life, and in your child’s life, is how much control you do have over yourself.

What does that mean practically? It’s good news! It means you can have a tremendous effect on your life, because you can change the way you look at what’s going on, and you can change the way you react to situations.

Example: Your ex has been e-mailing you lately, haranguing you about the amount of television you are allowing your child to watch. You have responded with anger, and the e-mail exchange has degenerated into a war of words, causing your heart to race, your stomach to flip, and your fingers respond furiously at the keyboard. You carry around your anger in the household, your child sees it, and when she mentions the other parent, you respond with hostility.

What can you change here? Not the fact that your ex e-mails you with rudeness and criticism. You can change your response. Four words that can save a day: “You might be right.” Then think about the criticism and keep your thoughts to yourself. That’s all the response necessary.

Always remember: it’s a very, very hard job, what you are doing. Parenting in an ideal world is challenging; parenting after a break-up can be overwhelming. Slow down. Stop guilting yourself. Breathe deeply. Do the best you can, and know that is enough.

Whatever your faith, creed, or religion, this prayer offers great wisdom:

Divine One,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Three Trusts

noreply@blogger.com (Ruth Rinehart) — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 22:12:00 +0000

More and more children are growing up with their parents living in separate households. More and more parents have to navigate the tricky territory of co-parenting with a former spouse/partner. The legal system with power over these waters is based upon an advocacy system that pits the parents against each other, making it more difficult for peaceful co-parenting in the future if a contested courtroom battle is waged.

Where do these parents get guidance on how best to help their children emerge unscathed from the split? Oftentimes, their most trusted ally during a divorce is their attorney. Advice from attorneys usually comes from an advocacy perspective, pitting one parent against the other in the fight to win the courtroom battle.

In truth, our legal system fails children. If the parents end up in the courtroom, and the lawyers pit each parent against each other, the damage inevitably filters down to the children. Things are said that cannot be taken back. Each parent usually believes the others lied on the witness stand. Allegations are hurled against one another. The ability of the two parents to effectively co-parent in the future is seriously undermined.

Rather than a financial trust fund to leave to your children, the Three Trusts let you give them an emotional trust fund, a secure foundation for them to emerge intact from their disrupted childhood. Emotional well-being is far more important for their quality of life than anything monetary you could give them.

These acts of Trust are decisions you make. You make the decision consciously, and when the going gets rough, you remind yourself of the decision. Then you can act accordingly, and your children will benefit, both in the short-term and in the long-term.

1. Trust yourself as a parent.

When going through a divorce, parents often attack the other's parenting style and skills. It is so very easy to doubt yourself and your abilities as a parent during this period. Don’t let yourself fall into that doubting trap. When you trust yourself, you act more confidently and your child feels more secure. Trusting yourself as a parent isn’t about shutting yourself off from change and growth. Quite the opposite. When you trust yourself, ironically, you are more able to take constructive criticism and make clear decisions about what might need to change.

2. Trust that the other parent is “good enough.”

This is hard. There are problems. Things aren’t going right in that other household. But we live in a culture that makes the good the enemy of the best, and we all want the best for our kids, right? In this situation, trying to get the “best” out of the other parent often does a disservice to the children. The high, high likelihood is that the other parent IS good enough. If there is physical, sexual, emotional, substance abuse going on, obviously this trust might not apply.

However, if you suspect the other parent is emotionally abusing your child, skilled counsel is needed. Most parents are guilty of “emotional abuse” at times; we are all so flawed. Thankfully, children are resilient and can survive our failings.

Research shows that parents don’t have to be THE BEST. They just have to be good enough. And that is very likely what that other parent is, good enough; flawed, yes, often wrong, yes, but most likely good enough. When you make a decision to trust the other parent to be good enough, you have no business judging and criticizing decisions they make. You can trust there was a good enough reason for them to act the way they did. You will probably never know what that good reason was. You don’t need to know. Let it go.

3. Trust your children to grow into adulthood and sort it all out. They will. When you take the long view, and you trust their higher intelligence, you can relax a bit. They can relax a bit. When you trust your children in the long term, so many short-term issues resolve themselves with much more ease.

I look forward to hearing from you, and how you are navigating the challenges of parenting a child with parents in two different households. I especially would like to hear your success stories in this situation, especially in hindsight. How is your child doing now?