DJabberwock

How Is A Raven Like A Writing Desk? (Or: A Fascist, A Socialist And A Communist Walk Into A Bar. The Anarchist Ducked.)

2013-01-24T21:06:00.003-08:00

Dear confused Conservatives, Republicans, Libertarians, Tea Party members and general critics of President Obama,

It's really not logistically possible for the current administration in the White House (or ANY administration for that matter) to be “Fascist,” “Socialist” AND “Communist” at the same time. At least it's not possible when we apply the strictest and therefore most extreme definitions of each word – as many of you intend when you utter or write them. I suspect that those of you who use the words interchangeably are unclear on the basic concepts and are only familiar with the grand old tradition of casting them as epithets. (Some of you are also prone to throwing the word “Marxist” into the mix, but we won't go into great detail about that here because it's a specific KIND of Socialism/Communism.) You probably dozed off in Government or Political Science 101 when they were covered. It's okay, we won't judge you - because I have it on good authority that people who teach Politics can bore even themselves into a stupor on occasion.

"We're all a little mad here."
Attention RNC: I think I've discovered the perfect new slogan for your party.

"Don't F**K With Me, Fellas..."

2012-12-12T00:47:00.001-08:00

I didn't mention this when it happened because it sounds kind of "tinfoil hat." But the day after Thanksgiving, I got up really early to make cinnamon rolls for Eric to take with him on a job. It was a very foggy and chilly morning.

"Why can't you give me the respect that I'm entitled to?
Why can't you treat me like I would be treated by any stranger on the street?"

At around 8 a.m., someone rang my doorbell. Since very few people visit us - and only one person I know would do so at that hour - I opened the front door, expecting to see my neighbor Marilyn.

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Some Suggestions For Fresno and Fresno County RE: A New Animal Shelter/Animal Control Agency. (Thanks For Asking.)

2012-09-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

Okay. This is going to be a "no-frills" post because I'm really, really angry and my head hurts. (Yes, angrier than normal. Much angrier.)

I was asked this question with regard to a new animal shelter/animal control agency: "Jim, I'm almost afraid to ask, but what do you suggest be done?"

I am not ashamed to say that I know very little about the specific things involved with either issue, but I AM smart enough to know who to ask or where to find answers. And smart enough to know that you let THOSE people (each an expert or a professional in their own field or business) contribute pieces of the puzzle from their individual experience sets. That's how the BEST projects get accomplished. But, here's my answer to the question:

Well will you look at that? Fresno County has a shape that's roughly the same as ... the stereotypical dog bone.
Got irony?

"Daddy, I Do NOT Want A Boat Like This!" (Or: Look! That Guy Was Only Pretending To Be One Of The Zombies So They Wouldn't Eat Him!)

2012-08-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

Hey Kids! How's everyone's summer going so far? Yeah, same here. Until this past weekend, the average daily temperature here in the Fresno area for the month of August was 103.5. Is it October yet? But I'm wandering again. We're not here to talk about the weather - are we? Let's talk POLITICS! (And I'm also going to try something new. Hold on to your hats: I'm going to be BRIEF. *gasp* I know, right?)

So today's "Presidental-Election-Year-OMG-I-Can't-Believe-That-Just-Happened-What-Were-We-Talking-About-Yesterday?" seismic attention grabber is the announcement that former Florida Governor Charlie Christ will speak at the Democratic National Convention. I hear cries of "So what?" Well, it's kind of unusual for a Republican politician to take the stage there. (Okay, technically Crist is an Independent, but you're getting ahead of me.) So naturally, there has been a LOT of indignant spluttering and mystified head-scratching going on among the Conservative set today.

Personally I don't get what all the fuss is about. The announcement makes perfect sense to me.

You are looking at a very rare animal -
a politician on the Right ready to play ball with his colleagues on the other side of the stadium!

Dear CCSPCA: A Contract Is Not A “Suggestion” (Or: How Much More Proof Does Everyone Need? Enough. This Crap Ends NOW.)

2012-07-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

So I understand that the Executive Director of the CCSCPA, Linda Van Kirk, showed up at the last Downtown Rotary Breakfast and displayed her usual disrespectful and disdainful behavior – with a few new twists.

First, she berated both the City and the County (and of course the usual targets, the rescues and anyone who even thinks the words "no-kill"). Then, because some people from the City and the County have supposedly "come back hat in hand to beg" the shelter to continue doing the job, she informed everyone present at the meeting it would cost them MORE should it happen. Finally, after figuratively holding a gun to the heads of the City and County and demanding more money, she had the gall to inform everyone at the breakfast that the CCSPCA would actually be doing LESS too. Why? Because they are “becoming a 'No-Kill shelter'” and should they renew contracts with the City and County it would now be the responsibility of the City and the County to euthanize animals.

Apparently, if you want to catch a glimpse of the woman whose job description requires her to be "the public face" of the CCSPCA (but is rarely seen in public), you have to get up early. And serve pancakes.
But wear your flameproof underwear.

Taxes, Shmaxes! (OR: Hey Fresno! Guess What The CCSPCA Has Been Doing With YOUR Taxes?)

2012-05-27T20:47:00.001-07:00

Remember my last post? I'm guessing lots of you do, because the tally of people reading it keeps climbing. The numbers are now far beyond anything else I've ever posted. But I digress...

Here's the real scoop: I recently unearthed a decision issued by the United States Tax Court that fills in a lot of blanks in that story. More importantly, the court's ruling verifies many of the conclusions I reached in my previous story about Leroy Combs, former (and frequent) member of the CCSPCA Board of Directors and – by its own admission – one of the shelter's highest paid vendors. The decision also raises lots and lots of questions about who knew (or knows) what in local government and why they've been silent about these gross abuses of taxpayer money.

"What Is The CCSPCA Hiding?" Google Knows - And You Can Too

2012-04-13T03:30:00.000-07:00

Since the CCSPCA abruptly announced two weeks ago that it was canceling its contracts with the City of Fresno and Fresno County to “focus on its core mission of preventing cruelty to animals,” many members of the community have been asking, “WTF? Why would an organization like the CCSPCA - which claims to be about helping animals above all - suddenly abandon a relationship with local government after more than four decades? Why, if they have nothing to hide, have they chosen to walk away - rather than stand and defend their position?"

I believe I've discovered part of the answer to that question. And in terms of things an organization that enjoys a "Public Support Percentage" of "97.590 percent" might want to keep hidden, it's a real whopper. (Incidentally, that "97.590 percent" comes directly from the CCSPCA's 2010 tax return.) If members of the City Council or the Fresno County Board of Supervisors were allowed to sit on the CCSPCA Board of Directors, they would most certainly begin asking questions about some of the things that any Fresno County resident with a computer, Internet access and a curious nature can easily discover for themselves.

What's going on in this building - and why did it cost $50,000 to $75,000 a year?

The Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman Incident Boils Down To “Perceptions About Hoodies.” (You're Kidding, Right?)

2012-04-02T18:07:00.000-07:00

Chances are, you're among a growing number of people in this country who have a strong opinion either one way or the other about the shooting death of 17-year-old African American teenager Trayvon Martin at the hands of George Zimmerman, a 28-year-old Neighborhood Watch captain in Sanford, Fla. Because the story is loaded with contentious issues – including race, vigilante justice vs. community concern and police corruption/incompetence – people on the fence or with no opinion at all seem to be the exception.

The Kel-Tec PF-9 semi-automatic, composite handgun. A weapon almost as small and easy to carry in a pocket as U.S. currency. (Photo from nationalgunforum.com)

Who You Gonna Call? (Or: It's A Good Thing Most Of The Public Grades The Mayor On A HUGE Curve)

2012-02-29T09:53:00.002-08:00

BOO! Did you miss me? Of course not, because I didn't give you time to miss me did I? You'd better get used to that...

The Fresno Bee story I've linked to after the jump is upsetting, but it's hardly surprising if you've been paying attention at all - "police are conducting an internal investigation," the story points out. They'd have to do it themselves, wouldn't they? Since Fresno no longer HAS an Independent Police Auditor and even when they did, his power was limited to "reviewing completed police investigations FOR QUALITY CONTROL."

This title card from a Buster Keaton silent movie seems pretty silly, right? But is it?

Really? These People Really Graduated From College And Get Paid To Write Like This? Really?

2012-02-29T03:06:00.000-08:00

I could very easily go on and on about all the errors in the following two stories copied verbatim from the website for KSEE 24, a local news outlet. Instead, I'll just let the stories and the writing talent (or lack thereof) of the paid news staff responsible speak for themselves. Brace yourselves kids: This is NOT pretty (or easy to understand).

"Schoolhouse Rock" is now in session.

The System of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether (Or: THE CCSPCA MUST GO. NOW.)

2012-02-19T08:33:00.000-08:00

Let's play a game shall we? You all have jobs, right? And you all not only get paid for those jobs, you have to answer to the people that pay you, right? So tell me - what would happen if you not only FAILED AT YOUR JOB 80 percent of the time, but refused to let your boss see what you were doing and how you were doing it?

This is one of the last photos to be taken at the CCSPCA because of a crackdown by the current regime at the "shelter." Tell me, do this mother dog and her newborn pups look warm and well cared for to you? Would you allow YOUR pet to be kept in these conditions? By the way, YOU are paying for this.

The Lure Of “The Hip Side” (or Step Away From The Yellow Ring Sinestro…)

2011-07-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

Those of you who’ve been with me for a while may remember what happened last year, when Disney released “Tron Legacy” and a snarky young writer for NPR spent several paragraphs trashing it while spouting inaccuracies and making it clear that he’d never even seen “Legacy or the original “Tron.” I thought, “Why you little…” and it was on. Guess what kids? Somebody rang that bell again.

In a story posted on NPR.org last week, writer, graphic novelist and (wha-wah-what?) University of Houston creative writing teacher Mat Johnson felt the need to sound the death-knoll for movies based on comic book superheroes, citing – among other things – “lukewarm reactions” to this summer’s bumper crop of super-flicks. And while he was at it, Johnson thought he’d demonstrate his superiority to us plebs who still cheer for superheroes as pedestrian as Superman or Spider-Man by rattling off some reading suggestions that he feels might up our cool factor.

If this couldn't kill the public's love for Superman (and for that matter ALL superheroes), believe me, nothing will. (Superboy, Mr. Mxyzptlk and Lana Lang in a scene from the 1988 - 1992 syndicated series "Superboy")

Dinner With The President? What Time And Can I Bring The Dessert?

2011-06-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

As you can probably tell from my scandalous lack of posts, it's been a busy month (or more accurately six weeks). In addition to trying to get all the yardwork done and all the new plants in before our summer standard 100-plus temps arrive, I've been working on some other projects - and training a puppy. And to be perfectly honest, every time I thought about sitting down to write anything, I realized there were so many things I wanted to say and that needed to be addressed by somebody (even if it's just 'lil 'ol me) that I simply couldn't decide where to jump in.

Wonder if I can pick one of these up in the White House Gift Shop?

Curses! Oiled Again! (Or: The Terrorist In The $1,895 Armani Suit)

2011-05-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

Okay everyone. Gather round the old monitor and pay attention. You’re about to see two things happen. First, I’m going to put the blatantly unapologetic rape of the American consumer currently taking place in terms that even the most simple-minded, reality-television-watching bumpkin should be able to understand. And second, I’m not only going to take Barack Obama to task for failing to come up with a realistic solution to the problem, I’m going to fact check him on what he’s recently said – hard. (Yup. You read that right - It's time for some tough love Granny Clampett-style.)

"I'm gonna need a bigger switch..."

The Trouble With Charlie

2011-03-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

Okay, even though I have about a gazillion things I need and want to say, I’m only going for a short post today. I really need to get outside and do some yard work. (Shhh … don’t tell anyone. I have a reputation to protect. But when I put our six-week-old puppy Nina down in the yard and immediately lose her, it might be time to cut the grass.)

I've got the pinecones covered. You man the weed-eater!

I don’t know about you, but if I hear the name Charlie Sheen one more time, I’m going to climb a clock tower somewhere – armed with a rifle and wearing a clown suit – and start shooting broadcasting towers off of local television stations. (For those of you with your finger on your speed dial, ready to call 911, the previous sentence is what those of us with a sense of humor call A JOKE.)

One Fish, Two Fish...

2011-03-02T10:18:00.000-08:00

Normally this blog isn't the most kid-friendly place on the Interwebs. But today is a VERY special day, so I thought I'd make an exception.

"Oh the places you'll go..."

A Turd By Any Other Name… (Part One)

2011-02-25T11:07:00.000-08:00

(Fair warning: Here be there politics!)

Good morning class! Before we begin, you’re going to want to put on your protective gear – because it’s about to get ugly and potentially dangerous in these parts. And since I love you all, I wouldn’t want to see anyone lose an eye from flying shrapnel.

Everyone ready? Okay. Stand back. I'm about to really take a sledgehammer to the Hummer: As far as I'm concerned, the most nefarious crime committed by the Bush Administration is reframing the debate on a number of issues by conducting an insidious, but well-coordinated campaign to change the terms, or words, involved. (Thanks for the assist Fox News, Bill O’Really?, Rush “I-Should-Burn-In-Hell-But-I’ll-Probably-Wind-Up-In” Limbo and Glenn “Chicken Little” Blech!)

This clever but nasty policy had the end result of making it impossible to discuss a number of topics without having said discussion on THEIR terms. In some extreme cases, after the new term had become widespread, it became impossible to debate some issues at all without appearing to be a seditious troublemaker.


"Curses! Foiled again!

Drop That Cupcake! (And Join Us At The Grownup Table)

2011-02-13T12:47:00.000-08:00

I'm told by people who apparently keep track of such things that I'm ahead of the curve on the next big trend in sweet eats. Apparently the "Great Cupcake Frenzy" of the past few years is drawing to an end and people have rediscovered a "Great Universal Truth": Pie makes everything better.

About a month ago, I told Eric I was in the mood to bake a pie and asked him what kind he'd like. Without missing a beat, he answered, "Cherry-lime." Eric's standard answer when I ask him what he wants for any meal is "Food" - because for some reason he finds that hysterical. So I figured I'd take advantage of his sudden decisiveness and make him a Cherry-Lime Pie.

Marge prefers to get stoned before baking. (Photo: Copyright StefanieJaffeWerner.com)

Some Of My Best Friends Are Fruits...

2011-02-10T12:26:00.000-08:00

As I watch the ongoing national weather reports from "Snowpocalypse 2011," I'm beginning to experience something similar to "survivor guilt." That's because a lot of my family and friends are stuck in what can only be described as Winter Hell.

I find I have to check myself before announcing to my mom, who's just spent four hours chipping her car out from under four inches of ice, "It was 66 degrees today, so I went outside and started planting my herb garden." Although, to be fair, I don't think I should really be expected to feel THAT guilty about living someplace where we don't have those kind of problems. It's not like cold weather comes as a surprise to people living in the Midwest: It's been happening for eons now.


Pomelo rinds are not only heavenly smelling, they make fabulous fashion accessories for your pets!

Was It Something I Said?

2011-01-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

This morning I decided to get up bright and early and sift through the freshly-fallen drifts on the InterWebs so that I could reward the people who've been waiting for a new post. (Thank you both, btw...)

One of the first things to catch my eye was a local news story that I'd seen briefly on a 6p.m. broadcast last evening. It seems a student at a Clovis, Calif., high school has been accused of bullying and "sexual battery" of an opponent during a wrestling match. Since I've always pretty much felt (and I'm guessing I'm not alone here) that collegiate-style wrestling is really nothing but thinly-veiled and highly-organized sexual assault, I was intrigued to find out exactly what might be considered "a step too far."

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Mea Culpa

2011-01-14T08:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm a bad parent. If "DJabberwock" was a toddler, my neighbors would already have called DCFS and reported my callous neglect of the poor thing. So what's my excuse? To quote beloved suburban house-witch Samantha Stevens, "Welllll....."

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Who Wants Pie?

2010-12-24T12:28:00.000-08:00

This is THE single most delicious pie that you will ever put into your mouth. No kidding. The first time I made it, Eric wouldn’t let me tell anyone around here about it – because he didn’t want me to give away even one piece of it. (And to perfectly honest, I didn’t want to share it either.) This is the kind of dessert that you find yourself taking a small bite of and then savoring the experience for about five minutes before taking another. It’s that good.

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes...

2010-12-23T10:42:00.000-08:00

One of the elves helping out with the mail during the holiday crunch spotted this letter and brought it to my attention. It's from an adorable moppet with a special Christmas wish who apparently decided he'd better clear it with someone in the head office first.

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Dear Target: We Need To Talk

2010-12-22T12:43:00.000-08:00

So. Everybody all done with their Christmas shopping? Got all your little prezzies all wrapped up nicely and nestled under the tree? Baking all done, house cleaned, grandma properly medicated, family sanitized for your guests' protection and all that? Wonderful! Now that you have a moment before the annual invasion of people you can only tolerate once a year begins, I need your help with something. Come over here with me where we can have a private conversation.

Shhh. Don't look in their direction or they'll know we're talking about them. No, I SAID don't look ... okay, they're distracted by a new shipment of Ugg boots, so we've got a minute. Now I'm not positive mind you, but I'm beginning to suspect that Target and other retailers have a very serious problem that may, in fact, call for an intervention.

I'm talking about this:

Brits Flushed With Pride?

2010-12-21T13:34:00.000-08:00

It's gratifying to see that the secretary (or footman or ... house elf) that keeps an eye on all things royal for the Windsor family wasn't asleep at the wheel when it came time to design the official wedding china for Prince William and Catherine Middleton.

As you can see in the closeup below, the centerpiece of each of the three fine English bone china, 22-carat gold trimmed pieces (plate, cup, pillbox) is the intertwined first initial of the happy bride and groom: