Do I Amuse You?

Post Election Red, White & Blues

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Wed, 5 Nov 2014 09:40:00 -0500

Patriotic Basket ID: 206570

When your team like the Baltimore Ravens beats the Pittsburgh Steelers, nothing in your life changes fundamentally, other than a temporary emotional response. And a discount on Papa Johns pizza, but I wouldn't call that a "win". When your team like the Ravens loses to the Steelers, the same holds true. Because that's sports.

Politics is played like sports. Team colors, trash talking and a really subjective view, especially when a flag is thrown and penalties are called on your team. But governing is not politics. It is not sports. And it has many impacts on our lives. And it isn't down to one leader (President, Governor, Senator), or body (Congress, Justice Department, DMV), but the whole dysfunctional system.

They don't read your Facebook posts, but they do read your emails, petitions, letters and phone messages. Regardless of your "side", which for many truly is neither, I like to think the team is all of us. So I'll continue to vote, and continue to write and call the many different people in the system. It may not make the change I want directly, but it does make a difference.

9/11 Thirteen Years Later - I'm Listening

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 12:00:00 -0400

I shared the following on Facebook this morning. I thought it was worth sharing here.

The world changed 13 years ago today. A lot of innocents were lost in a moment. "Never forget" almost sounds insulting. How can anyone forget what happened that day? The days after? The months after? The years after?

For whatever reason, our timelines are peppered every single day with divisiveness, snark, anger, hatred. I would hope we can move back to face-to-face, one-on-one civil conversations over coffee, or juice, or Kombucha, or whatever your beverage of choice is and just talk to each other. And not just about the issues but the solutions. And, more importantly, each other.

We seem to spend so much time trying to be heard we forgot how to listen. I know I'm guilty of that and am trying to do better. I think that's the best way I can honor those who have fallen before me.

Previously on Twitter - May 2014

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sat, 7 Jun 2014 11:34:00 -0400

I wanted to try something new. I love Twitter simply for the clearinghouse it offers my brain for jokes, especially the ones I'm not using in a script. But tweeting a joke is like pouring a Dixie cup of water into the Atlantic. They still make Dixie cups, right? I'm tossing 140 characters or less into a stream of millions of other tweets posting at the same time. So I decided to go fishing in my own Twitter stream (apologies), and paste some of those jokes here. With Twitter's embed feature, they look prettier than a copy/paste. And because they're embedded, I'll stick to a monthly post so it doesn't take too much time to load. Enjoy!

Jokes

Polishing my guitar. #NotAEuphemism
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 24, 2014

But what if my Dad isn't graduating? @Hallmark
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 21, 2014

No matter how angry I get, I'll never stoop to calling a woman the "C" word: Coulter.
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 13, 2014

"If you notice any of these symptoms, call your doctor..." I haven't had a "your doctor" since I was nine. And his name was "Mom".
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 12, 2014

Apple to purchase Beats by Dre for $3.2 billion. Could be like Dad trying to put on your skinny jeans. You said everyone cool wore these!
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 10, 2014

On the Serious Side

Reading #YesAllWomen tweets for 30 minutes. Taking it all in. Honest, courageous & necessary. And very sad. Raise all boys to be kind men.
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 25, 2014

Whether your celebrating, honoring or remembering, I wish you all a very Happy Mothers Day! OK, Mom! Jeez! "Whether YOU'RE celebrating" ;-)
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 11, 2014

Reason # 1397 quitting my whorporate job to write full time was the best decision I ever made. I now love Mondays! #AmWriting
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 19, 2014

Well this feels kind of awesome! I'm on IMDB: http://t.co/zBAubwtBzO #ScriptChat
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 9, 2014

Our comedy web series @ClickTheSeries debuted this week! New ep coming Wednesday. Check it out here: https://t.co/yxSOhjhjfP #ScriptChat
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 5, 2014

From @midnight's Hashtag Game

#UndateableBecause they're either your parents or your roommates, not both. @midnight
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 21, 2014

#UndateableBecause you say "supposably" @midnight
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 21, 2014

The Second to Last House on the Left @midnight #BadPrequels
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 7, 2014

Ferris Bueller's Early Dismissal @midnight #BadPrequels
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 7, 2014

Mr. Smith Pops By Arlington @midnight #BadPrequels
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 7, 2014

Game of Clones: The Pew-Pew Wedding #WorseStarWars @midnight
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) April 30, 2014

Blogtrasound - Where's my prize?

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Wed, 30 Oct 2013 17:22:00 -0400

My Google search for "blogtrasound" turned up no pages. What do I win?

Seriously.

These days it's nearly impossible to come up with something original that hasn't been written before.

I hear if you get a million views on YouTube you make mad cash. What do you get for empty Google searches?

Of course, now that I've written a blog about my crazy, meaningless, man-was-I-bored search, this moment in time is over. Blogtrasound will point to one page. This one.

The victory is empty, but it is mine. Almost sounds poetic.

The Adult-Couples-Who-Aren't-Married Label Conundrum

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sat, 25 May 2013 10:38:00 -0400

I am in a wonderful, committed relationship with a woman named Barbara. When I introduce this woman I love, I say "And this is Barb, my girlfriend."

Girlfriend. I'll be 50 in September.

I'm not necessarily a fan of labels, but I'm an analyst by trade. Quantification, patterns and labels come with the territory. As does obsessing over minute details and trivia. And something about the label "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" just doesn't sound right.

In the grand scheme of things, this labeling conundrum falls in between:

If I'm really environmentally conscious, why don't I drive a Hybrid? and

What is the appropriate second age (preschool being the first) when it's OK to wear shorts and a shirt of the same material again?

But what's the alternative?

My lady - Hello, 1972. Oh, how I've missed you.
My woman - Stated like a true man proud of all his possessions, including his '86 Camaro.
My partner - Too confusing. Yes, I'm a gay-rights activist. No, we aren't a law firm.
My companion - I'm not 87 and she's not for hire.
My steady - Hello, 1955. I wish I still had my letterman jacket. If A/V had a Varsity Club.
My wife - We're not married. Yes, we'd love to talk with you, someone we've just met, about our personal decision of why, if ever or when.
My common-law wife - I haven't checked the Annotated Code of Maryland recently to see if we qualify. If we do, can we share a health benefit plan? And we're not starring in our own reality series on TLC. Yet.
My soul mate - Because that doesn't get old at parties when meeting couples who obviously aren't.
My friend - Nothing screams non-committal more than this one. It also implies a hidden relationship. "This is... my friend, Barbara."
My best friend - Absolutely true but doesn't highlight the romance. I also don't rank my friends. Believe me, I have at least eight best friends. Wouldn't it be fun to do, though? "This is Steve. He's in the Top 10. Oh, that's Dave. He was at three for decades. But then he wouldn't stop quoting FoxNews. He's been climbing up from eight since the election."
My confidante - Maybe if I'm sharing my secrets by candlelight with my ghostwriter, in the Renaissance era.
My main squeeze - Seriously? Maybe if I was a C.I. for Starsky & Hutch.
My shorty - Sounds hilarious coming from me. She's taller.
My schmoopie, cuddle muffin, precious - Not enough Tagamet to even finish this one.

So unless someone comes up with a better alternative, I'm going to stick with girlfriend. Just know when I use "my" it means "in relation to me" not "possession". And she is my soul mate.

Barbara Garcia: Meet Erin DeRuggiero - When Social Media Works

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Fri, 24 May 2013 11:31:00 -0400

Many of you have been following the aftermath of the EF-5 tornado that wreaked havoc in Moore, Oklahoma this past week. A CBS TV interview with one of the survivors, Barbara Garcia, went viral when her dog, Bowser ("Bowsey"), was rescued during the live interview.

The story doesn't end there.

One of my friends on Facebook, Erin DeRuggiero, felt compelled to do something. So she started a campaign called Home4Barbara on the crowd-funding website gofundme.

She contacted CBS asking how she might contact Barbara. She wasn't the only one.

Yesterday, Erin's campaign had collected $1,500. This morning, after this story aired on CBS This Morning, the word really got out and money is starting to flow in.

It restores my faith in people because we all want to help somehow. And by Erin taking the initiative to just do something, she's making a difference.

When I watched the story on television this morning, two things struck me. The first, Barbara doesn't have homeowners insurance. This campaign was built to help her rebuild before that fact was known. And second, she said "I didn't know that I was that important." I wept. We are ALL that important.

I happily shared Erin's campaign when she first asked me to on Facebook. It took thirty seconds of my time. I'm sharing it again now.

Today is one of those days when I'm grateful for social media. For forming connections with "strangers" who are anything but. Someone I met on Twitter (posting one of my silly jokes, I'm sure) became a friend on Facebook, and made a difference. And allowed me to help make a difference, too.

I've never met Erin in person. But when I do, she's getting a big ole hug.

A Celebration: Kind of a Big Deal - The Life and Legacy of Dennis Lane

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Thu, 23 May 2013 13:51:00 -0400

I'm sharing this announcement I received from my friend and fellow blogger JessieX, via HoCoBlogs. I also saw the post on my friend Tom's blog. I'm just so excited a big event is being planned to honor my friend and fellow writer Dennis.

The memorial service for Dennis Lane, a fellow blogger at Tales of Two Cities and citizen extraordinaire, will be held June 4th at Merriweather Post Pavilion.

A social starts at 2 p.m. and the program will start at 3 p.m.

If this calls to you, consider a contribution to the Dennis Lane Memorial Fund. Checks should be written to the "Community Foundation of Howard County" with "Dennis Lane Memorial Fund" in the memo section of the check. You can also donate online to the Community Foundation of Howard County.

RIP, Dennis! God bless! Jessie

#WearRed
#DennisLane

Also, a book club is being formed: Word Bones Memorial Book Club. A great way to stay active with the community and force myself to read something! I've already ordered the paperback on Amazon. I'm going old school for this one.

Hope to see many of you on June 4th. Not to say that I'm not hoping to see any one in particular, I just know not everyone can be there. :-) I just rocked a triple negative.

Cheers!
Mike

I Lost a Friend, But Not His Inspiration

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sat, 11 May 2013 09:57:00 -0400

My last blog post was in February. I never post regularly, even when I first started in 2006, but I really put a halt on things when I started screenwriting.

Blogging provides me an outlet for sharing my thoughts, satisfaction of a "completed" work, and the feeling of validation when I get comments, or likes, or spam bots dropping a URL. But it kept me from my other writing, so I told myself I'd hold on the blogging until the screenplay (I'm in a six-month online course and halfway through a comedy screenplay) and pilot (I'm writing a sit com) are done. But, if something compels me, I'll write a post.

In February, after three days in a row of getting cut off by people right-turning on red into live traffic (meaning me), I got pissed and posted.

Well, a colleague, friend, and constant cheerleader has compelled me to blog again.

Dennis J. Lane, one of our most prolific local writers, and my friend, was murdered yesterday. I'm not a journalist and feel no need to share the details. They're all over the news. Some of them accurate. But I couldn't let these last 24 hours go by without writing something.

A bunch of us local bloggers got together at Clyde's yesterday because, frankly, we needed each other. Like I said, I rarely blog these days, but I see these folks all the time. In daily errands, in events, for lunch, through social media. I always feel welcome. And I always feel connected.

And, Dennis. Dennis always knew what I was up to, would point out anything I might have done that made him laugh, and wanted to know what was coming next. He had an ability to see what was important to me, and drop a spotlight on it. I'm gonna miss that.

Dennis and Paul Skalny have hosted a wonderful podcast called "And Then There's That" on HoCoMoJo for years. I had a podcast for a minute. They were even kind enough to interview me. Dennis would prod me: "When are your doing another one?" When he knew my focus had switched to screenwriting, that's all he asked about. Writing is writing. And we both shared the love of it.

I saw Dennis Thursday morning. After everything that's happened, I now have to say I was privileged and blessed to have seen Dennis on Thursday morning.

I was in line at a Starbucks (yeah, I'm that guy now), and I hear "Michael." Most people call me "Mike" but I'm not really particular about it, and the way Dennis said my name, I always knew it was going to be followed with something that made me smile.

On Thursday, it was "Michael. How's that web series coming along?" Another project I've been involved with (and with another group of awesome, supportive, funny writers) for over a year. And he knows I can't wait for it to air.

"Great, Dennis. We've posted two promos."

"Yeah, they were pretty funny" -- jeez, he found time to watch the videos. And dropped my favorite compliment: "funny".

"We've got four editors working with us and are hoping for June."

"That's great."

Then I put in my order, he put in his, and I went off to doctor my coffee. I didn't ask Dennis how he was doing. I'm also that guy sometimes.

Tom Coale, another friend and blogger, mentioned in his wonderful piece on Dennis today that he couldn't find any pictures of he and Dennis together.

So I went to Dennis' blog from a post in February to find a picture I remember of Dennis and I together. Nope. It was a picture taken by Dennis. And a funny one at that. Where I focus inwardly, sometimes to the point of narcissism, Dennis had an eye for everything, and everyone, around him. When I was with Dennis, it was never about him.

When I was leaving Starbucks, I saw Dennis was sitting with another gentlemen, both of them in suits (he looked pretty fucking dapper); I knew he was talking business. I almost kept going. I didn't want to interrupt. But then I thought, he made a point of saying hello, and letting me know he's pulling for me and my endeavors. I touched his shoulder and said "Nice to see you, Dennis." He smiled and said "Take care, Michael."

"Take care, Dennis... You. Are. Missed."

Right Turn on Red Is Not a Right

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 15:45:00 -0500

It's an option.

If traffic is coming, you fucking wait until your light changes to green.

It's not a stop sign.

We're not taking turns.

And when you do pull out, like I wish your father had in 1977, you don't do it slower than Steven Wright on a bottle of Lunesta and four pints of Sangria during a Congressional filibuster. You hit that accelerator like Marty McFly and rocket to 88 MPH. Asshole.

Nine Things Never to Say in a Job Interview

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Thu, 31 May 2012 13:26:00 -0400

Have you seen these ridiculous articles for job-seekers?

I saw this title today in an email from Monster.com. Not that I'm looking. ;-)

I didn't read it. I decided to write my own. Really, it could be a gazillion things to never say...

Nine Things Never to Say in a Job Interview

1. What's your policy on masturbation?
2. Define "inappropriate".
3. Shouldn't you ask if I have ever been convicted fairly?
4. Do you have cameras in all the elevators?
5. In five years? I've never lasted anywhere more than three. You gonna finish that muffin?
6. I'm all about diversity. Like that Dutch chick in HR. Is she single...ish?
7. What's the maximum weight limit for that Minolta copier?
8. Are pants mandatory?
9. This is boring. Go Fuck Yourself.

Please fill the comments with yours! Like "Have you ever heard yourself talk? Wow. Good thing you're hot. Am I right?"

So Many Choices

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 20:58:00 -0400

You see them everywhere. "Choose Civility" bumper stickers in Howard County, the county of my residence in the state of Maryland.

I could explain that "Choose Civility is an ongoing community-wide initiative, led by the Howard County Library System, to position Howard County as a model of civility. But I choose to let the fine folks explain that here.

I'm all for civility, and community initiatives, and definitely the Howard County Library. I've even blogged about this topic before, when someone stole my Choose Civility magnet here.

But what kills me are all the copies of this simple design, and all the sarcasm. Which, honestly, shouldn't surprise anyone in this era of perpetual cynicism.

Choose Senility, Choose Insanity, Embrace Hostility. Oh, I don't mind any of them. I just feel bad that it took me so long to finally join in. Here are mine:

Perspective

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 10:35:00 -0400

Perspective. It's something I'm constantly seeking. It's what keeps me grounded.

As you can see, I haven't posted much at all lately. I told my friend Jessie the other night I haven't had anything to really say.

On Saturday, I joined the Six:Eight Community Church in a cleanup at the Mill Run stream. This was part of Project Clean Stream, a citywide stream cleanup event organized by Blue Water Baltimore.

When we headed out to the area around the Woodberry Light Rail station, I joked with my friend Heather, who recruited me, "This should be a breeze since we already cleaned up the trash here last October." But alas, (did I just say 'alas'?), there was plenty of fresh trash to be picked up. The bulk is cigarette butts, and carelessly discarded food wrappers (especially candy), fast food cups, bottles, cans, cigarette foil (smokers know what I'm talking about), Light Rail passes and then stuff only found in Bizarro world like a police record for a 33-year-old man wanted on four counts of murder, and something Oriole fans will appreciate in the center of this bag:

We pick up all of this trash because it's a) ugly, b) unnecessary and c) eventually ends up in the Mill Run stream, into the Jones Falls, onto the Chesapeake Bay.

But yesterday was not a day of judgment. It was a community event requiring only three hours of my time, and it felt good. I had plenty of excuses in the docket of Mike's busy life on why I didn't need to schlep from Ellicott City to Baltimore on a beautiful Saturday morning, but I squelched them all.

What I didn't expect, yet should not have been surprised by, was what we found under the bridge pictured at the top. Loose change. Foam stuffing. A blanket. Someone's home.

There were piles of ashes from paper, clothing and trash obviously burned for warmth. Even in spring, it's cold at night. And there were books, stacked neatly in a mini library. They're fuel alright, but not for an evening fire. And a cable box: ironic, hopeful, perhaps just a possession that feels valuable.

This hit me much harder than I expected. I see homeless people every day. Sometimes I make eye contact, sometimes I drop some change, often I walk on like they're not even there.

At first, I was really angry. I kept thinking about the tirades about gas prices, the economy, who should be in office, who shouldn't be in office, taxes, and how Facebook has become the soapbox for so many...so many opinionated, uninformed, and often nasty people. NONE of us are sleeping here, living like this. And ANY of us, or members of our own family, could be.

Addiction, mental illness, depression - all of us are somehow affected by these personally, some so more deeply than others.

Then I got really sad. A fucking human being lives under this bridge. Suffering. Living an existence I cannot imagine. How dare I complain about $4 a gallon to get my pampered ass to and from my work and home every day.

Then I got real. This tragic situation is not unique. It is everywhere. And guess what? It isn't about me.

I can't fix it today, but I can write about it. Remind myself, and my friends on Facebook, and the wonderful people who take the time to read this post, that the homeless are human. They should not be ignored, forgotten or judged.

I am incredibly thankful. For the wonderful people in my life, the opportunities showered upon me every single day. The blessings I truly enjoy and have the perspective to appreciate. And, hey, after all these months, I having something to say.

I'm not going to turn this blog into a pulpit, or abandon the humor. Humor is truth and a medicine for all.

The writer in me was reawakened. I'm humbled and grateful for a place to be able to breathe, think, eat, sleep, share and love.

Your comments are always welcome. Especially your perspective.

Under Construction!

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 09:43:00 -0500

I'm surprised Google hasn't sued me for neglect. Amazon has threatened to pull my blog from their Kindle service - my apologies to my one reader, Bryan. You deserve better than four posts a year.

I refuse to have a blog that just sits there collecting dust like my Galoob Star Wars micro machines still-in-package ACTION FIGURE set - who needs the stock market?

I have so much to say but have had trouble articulating the...words...on paper or screen. But I shall return. Soon!

Thank you for your patience. Please feel free to peruse the other 450 million active English-language blogs whilst you wait.

I Am Not a Resource

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 13:52:00 -0500

I haven't posted in quite a while. [CHOOSE YOUR EXCUSE HERE.]

But I am motivated to write for three reasons.

First, Amazon reminded me I haven't posted in forever and they'll dump my blog from Kindle availability if I don't. It's not that Amazon is threatening or foreboding; they just make a good point. The fact that they charge a monthly fee for blog subscriptions is stupid, and it's why I have no Amazon subscribers, including myself. I would actually pay a fee to Amazon to offer my blog through the Whispernet and not pass it along to readers. I'll recommend it and see where it goes.

Second, my friend and wonderful artist, Katayoon Zandvakili, @KatZandvakili publicly threw down the gauntlet and challenged me to have something posted by Friday. OK, in all honesty she sweetly said "if you post your blogs, I'll post too!" I'll be checking her blog tonight whilst enjoying Keith Morrison's contradictory storybook-style narration of a triple murder on NBC's Dateline.

Third, I nominated myself for Baltimore's Mobbies awards. Not this blog because it's been too quiet here -- and I'll hope for a nomination next year by someone other than myself because this thing is rocking -- but I did nominate my personal Twitter account, because I am very active enough on that, and bust out jokes that make me laugh.

Fourth, I actually have something to say. And I apologize for misleading you with suggesting there were only three reasons. Oh dear. I apologize again, because I didn't suggest or infer but indeed actually stated there were "three reasons."

So what DO I have to say? Simply this...

Dear corporate world: I am not a resource. I am not human capital. I am a human fucking being. When discussing "Who's gonna do this work?", please refer to me, and my fellow human beings, as "people."

How hard would that be? Not very.

I wanted to say "Dear whorporate world" but realized since I grab the cash off the nightstand every other Friday, the whore is me.

TV's New Fall Season 2011 - Spreadsheets and Analysis

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Thu, 1 Sep 2011 00:07:00 -0400

TV is my first love. And I'm a spreadsheet guy. I've written all about my obsession with both TV and spreadsheets here.

For 2011, I've done it once again. Poring through the various network and cable sites, TV blog sites, and the best episode guide on the Internet (epguides.com), I've taken the last few weeks compiling the following:

A list of network and cable TV shows returning this fall, complete with the season number, network, premiere date and scheduled air day.
A list of shows coming later this season.
A grid for each day of the week with the shows, times, premiere dates and season number
A grid for each day of the week with each show, times and dates for episode tracking
And something new: a list of shows cancelled/ended in the 2010-2011 season

Get the Fall 2011 TV Collection of Spreadsheets here. If you just want a PDF of shows and premiere dates, that's here.

One of the things that disappoints me the most each year is investing my time in new programs that really capture my interest, only to have them cancelled, often in mid-story.

I was curious if it was common across networks, or if some may be more likely to cancel. Here is a ranking of the most shows cancelled after one season in 2010. Not ironically, NBC turned out to be the biggest loser, with 11 cancelled new shows, 3 of which had unaired episodes.

NBC - 11 shows cancelled (3 with unaired episodes)
ABC - 7 shows cancelled (2 with unaired episodes)
FOX - 6 shows cancelled (1 show with unaired episodes)
CBS - 5 shows cancelled
Toon - 3 shows cancelled
FX - 2 shows cancelled
AMC - 1 show cancelled
CMT - 1 show cancelled
CW - 1 show cancelled
Starz - 1 show cancelled
Syfy - 1 show cancelled
TBS - 1 show cancelled

From my list, that's a total of 40 new shows cancelled, 29 from the Big Four. I wonder how many will fall this season.

Of the programs cancelled, I was most disappointed to lose four very well-written and brilliantly acted shows:

The Chicago Code

Detroit 1-8-7

Lie to Me

Men of a Certain Age

Just a thought: I believe American cable needs to carry Canada's CBC, even if it's lagging behind the true release schedule, just like they've arranged with BBC America.

Anyway, I hope you find this helpful or mildly interesting, or you feel better about yourself knowing you don't suffer from such an obsession. Or high-five if you do!

Cheers!

Representin' the Improv Nation

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 09:16:00 -0400

Maybe there isn't an official Improv Nation, but I still feel part of one.

This weekend, the Baltimore Improv Group is hosting its fifth annual Baltimore Improv Festival at the Creative Alliance in Baltimore.

I took some improv classes a few years ago to help with my writing, and to deal with stage fright (as a guitar player, not an actor). I made friends, joined a troupe for a while and learned a ton. I'm going tonight to see my good friend and former troupe-mate Chris Kojzar perform with Training 4 Prom, as well as to see other outstanding troupes, both local and visiting. They include Mr. Licorice, Michael Loves Greg, Population: 6, Plan B and Gus!

I'm also going to reunite with friends who are former classmates/troupe-mates. Like I've found with the writers community, improv is also a very welcoming, supportive and fun collection of talent and love.

Throughout my training, I remember constantly hearing "it's not about being funny." But as a performer, I craved the laugh. Over time I realized it's not about trying to be funny. It's not set-ups and punch lines. It's about honesty. The funny or the dramatic moment comes from an honest approach. Owning the character, the situation, the moment. Don't think it through. Be it.

The funny comes because it's not forced.

Here's an improvised example:

"Good evening, ladies and gentleman. Tonight we need your help with setting our scene. Can someone give me an occupation?"

"Banker!"
"Phlebotomist!"
"Cosmonaut!"

"We'll go old-school with cosmonaut."

"Now we need an activity..."

"Hiking!"
"Masturbating!"
"Campaigning for prom queen!"

"I think we have a winner. Campaigning for prom queen."

It's not just the random hilarity of mish-moshing things that may not ordinarily go together. For this particular scene to be successful, the actors simply need to own it. And support each other. Now, everyone is waiting to see how the cosmonaut will campaign for prom queen.

I would probably attack this with a terrible Russian accent that would quickly devolve to Scottish/Latino.

"Nyet! Nyet! I want them toooo think I'm sex-ay, not a slut...ese."

Losing the accent is fine, as long as you don't let it go. Personally, I love how the accents change over two or three minutes.

I also learned if you're not having fun, no one's having fun. Simple, maybe even obvious-sounding advice, but I started to pay attention to everything I watched, and how I handled myself. When I got flustered, or too nervous, it blew the scene. And that doesn't mean you have to be smooth or perfect. Having fun, ESPECIALLY with the screw ups, connects you with the audience.

I often hear "I could never get up there." I thought the same thing. Nerves are natural but when you realize everyone is there to have a good time, and aren't expecting gold but often find it (and are delighted when they do), you really can do it.

Another bonus: I can't remember shit. With improv, there is nothing to memorize. Blank slate. Have fun!

Improv has helped my writing tremendously for two reasons. First, it gave me techniques to get out of my own head and really start to create. Secondly, it gave me a full appreciation of what it's like to be an actor with crap writing. I don't ever want to leave the character with bad lines, or worse, nothing to say at all.

So if you're within 200 miles of Baltimore, I strongly encourage you to hit the festival this weekend. Passes are cheap. The shows are phenomenal. And there are lots of classes for any skill level. It's truly one of the best things I've ever embraced.

And don't just take my word for it. Steve Kaplan thinks so, too. And he's a comedy genius!

Hope to see you there! Yes and...

I Got a Haircut

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 12:11:00 -0400

Sorry, but I think it's funny when a bald guy gets a haircut. Shortest post ever. But it is a post. And now Nick Heyward's voice is in my head (classic 80s reference).

Cheers!

Pathologically Pathetic

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 18:18:00 -0400

What is wrong with me? How is it that it's been nearly two months since I've posted?

This took me 30 seconds to write. Granted, I'm not really saying anything but at least it's not two-months old.

Here's a quick thought: Facebook is slow today, Twitter is down and my Yahoo! server is blocked at work. Three problems that didn't exist for me a mere three years ago, from three services which are absolutely free to me. Except for the $700 iPad device from which I access them. No, it doesn't make me look cool. Yes, it actually has changed my life and I'm now 90% paperless.

This is a picture of me phoning it in. See, I'm even too lazy to be clever and just went with the literal.

I would like to vow that I shall no longer be pathologically pathetic and post more frequently, but I had the nerve to create a page called Daily Amusement that I last updated in December. So we both know I can't be trusted.

Until we meet again, [INSERT CATCH PHRASE HERE].

Ciao!

Alli Is Not Your Ally

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sun, 1 May 2011 17:36:00 -0400

Although it seems to be promised, you can't have everything in a pill. And the long-term effects of what drugs can do to one's body, prescribed or otherwise, often aren't revealed for years.

GlaxoSmithKline is offering their latest miracle, Alli, the FDA-approved weight loss pill.

Just watch this ad and then we'll chat...

In their latest television advert, Cheryl Hartvigsen says, "As a pharmacist, I knew it would be safe because it's approved by the FDA."

Now there's a confidence-booster, because the FDA has never approved anything they later had to recall that may cause us harm. Except for all of those meds that ended up causing us harm that have been recalled. They even have a dedicated site of recent recalls.

Don't get me wrong. I want the FDA to review pharmaceuticals (holy crap, I spelled it right without spell-check!) - but with funding that relies on taxes, we get what we're willing to pay for.

Ironically, in the same commercial block I just saw the Alli spot, I also saw an ad for a law firm seeking Reglan users (now suffering from Tardive Dyskinesia) for a class-action lawsuit. Of course in advertising, lawsuit ads that replace the pharmaceutical ads just means more revenue.

Ms. Hartvigsen goes on to say "My husband's a doctor. And if he didn't think Alli was safe, he wouldn't let me use it."

This one really struck me. One, I guess we must assume he's an MD and not a PhD. Even so, his non-appearance is also a non-endorsement. Although it isn't illegal for doctors to endorse drugs in direct-to-consumer advertising as long as its disclosed (usually in fine print you can't read even if you were to pause it on a 60-inch, 3-D, high-definition home theatre system), it's discouraged by the AMA. So they may have smartly chosen not to have her husband appear in the ad. Yet, hearsay is inadmissible in court (according to all of the legal TV I love to watch) and in advertising, in my opinion.

Two, she assumes since he didn't stop her from taking it, it indicates it must be safe. Because doctors never lie. And neither do husbands.

Three, "he wouldn't let me use it" is just an uncomfortable expression - this is scripted so they worked very hard on word choice. If he is prescribing for family members, it brings its own set of legal/ethnical questions; plus, she the pharmacist and he the doctor (indirectly) receive financial compensation for this endorsement. Not exactly objective. Or did she mean he allows her to use it? For me, that can be interpreted as permission/control, even if it wasn't intended. Perhaps I need a pill for not letting the details go.

I'm not a doctor but for what it's worth, if you need to lose weight and have issues with diet, seek out a nutritionist, not a pill. Join or create a support group to reach your goals with family, friends or coworkers. Go to a gym. If you can't afford a gym (financially or life is just too busy), take a daily walk. If you can't take a daily walk, take a weekly walk.

I can see the recalls now. Can you?

TMI on the FB

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 23:12:00 -0400

People post too much information on Facebook. This is not a revelation, I know. And I'm not even referring to the terribly personal gems like "I just had another pap smear. Here's the JPEG..." Or "Prostate exams are a pain in the ass. Here's the JPEG..." That's information I think we can all agree does not ever need to be shared, even with your doctor, on Facebook.

No, I mean save something to talk about for the times when we meet up for coffee.

I went to a happy hour recently with some friends and coworkers, and they basically recited my latest news back to me. And I to them. And then we stared at our drinks, with nothing left to talk about.

So...how 'bout them Bears?

Don't let this happen to you. Leave some news, anecdote, pic or political rant for the social networking that's live and in person.

My shortest blog ever.

I feel better!

P.S. That's the Lucida Grande Facebook font, downloadable for free right here.

Dream Big: Tear Down. Rebuild. Repeat.

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sun, 6 Mar 2011 19:21:00 -0500

With the right feedback, an open and receptive mind, and a willingness to just start doing that thing you want to do so badly, I believe you can achieve your dream, whatever that dream might be. Like a champion of run-on sentences. ;-) I've actually had three big dreams. And two have been realized, so far.

Before I get to the two I've achieved, I'd like to talk about my current dream: writing for television. And for my scriptwriting friends out there, I'd like to start with a quick review of a course I recently completed, entitled: "Beginning Television Writing", taught by veteran show runner William Rabkin online at Writers University.

The class was great! It lasted four short weeks. There was some reading and discussion around the franchise of a dramatic series (what makes a show special in its genre), which was all very helpful and interesting, but the main focus was getting you to pick a current dramatic series and start your spec.

The one book requirement, which I had read and enjoyed before I took the course, was Successful Television Writing, written by Rabkin and his former partner, Lee Goldberg. I highly recommend it.

If you want to be a TV writer, you need to demonstrate you can write for TV. So you must write a script for a new episode for a program currently on the air. Although this may seem a bit circular, it's not uncommon in the arts. You want to be a novelist? Where's your novel? You want to be a rock star? Where's your CD? Think of it like a demo reel, or an artist's portfolio. You need to demonstrate you have talent, not just passion and drive.

I've spent the last few years studying television and film writing, story structure, script formats, writing techniques and the industry itself. But I haven't been doing enough of the most important thing: writing.

I took this course because it got me prepared to confidently write my one-hour dramatic spec. I ultimately chose Castle. For a great list of shows to spec right now, check out Jen Grisanti's suggestions in Heather Hale's Which Show Should I Spec? article.

I wrote three story ideas:

Nerder. The body of a white-hat (good guy) computer hacker is found dead the morning after an underground hacking contest. A cast of introverted, eccentric and seemingly harmless geeks are the main suspects, but as Castle and Beckett dive deeper, we learn our victim had uncovered a government conspiracy and Castle theorizes he was assassinated by either the U.S. feds, or an overzealous black-hat competitor.

Last Will and Testaments. A wealthy socialite, who was absolutely hated by her family and staff, dies of seemingly natural causes, but the autopsy reveals she was poisoned. When two different “legitimate” wills appear, the theories start flying. Castle believes it was a contract hit from a charitable organization that stands to collect millions according to Will #1, and Beckett believes it was the daughter, who stands to inherit everything from Will #2. We also learn the socialite had a warm side, and was anonymously funding a young man’s life, who turns out to be her biological son. The DNA will prove the daughter was actually her niece, who poisoned her own mother the same way our victim was murdered, when she was only a teen.

Copycat. Jake Tower, a writer from Castle’s past, has been accused of murdering his ex-wife – following the same methods in Castle’s latest novel, which hasn’t been published yet! Castle never liked Tower, who stole Castle’s first love (the victim) and always felt he was a plagiarist. Things get creepier when Castle learns Tower has stalked Castle though the years and “plagiarized” his life. Tower charms Beckett, spinning Castle off of his game. Beckett discovers the real murderer is someone else Tower crossed.

I fleshed out Nerder into a one-page summary. I'm a geek and it's in my wheelhouse. And Bill kindly shredded it to pieces and convinced me it's not the spec to write. Although he did like my favorite part: a bar-code tattoo on the unidentifiable victim that could only be seen under a black light.

And that's why I took this class. I don't want flattery, I want criticism. Bill was fantastic. He was accessible, direct and encouraging. But you only get out of it what you put into it. I missed the first week due to a business trip and had to make up for lost time when I returned.

Bill actually liked Copycat. So I wrote that into a one-page summary, and he gave me some notes. And then I changed the story based on those notes and it became even better.

Copycat (revised). Charlotte Stein, an old girlfriend from Castle’s past, has been murdered – by the same methods in Castle’s latest novel, which hasn’t been published yet! Charlotte’s ex-husband, Jake Bulinsky, is a struggling novelist and the prime suspect. As they dive in to the case, things get disturbing as Castle learns Bulinsky (pen name Jake Tower) has stalked Castle though the years and “plagiarized” his life. He’s creepy, but is he a murderer? Beckett somehow pities Tower, spinning Castle off of his game. As if Jake hasn’t caused himself enough trouble, new enemies are about to be revealed.

I now have a fully outlined story (you're welcome to read the one-pager if you like), and am "beating" out the scenes. Writing the actual script is the last step. I took this course because I needed to light a fire under my ass to knock out a spec, and I wanted honest feedback from an experienced television writer and show runner. And I got just that. The fear is gone; the writing is happening. And don't think I won't get some more feedback once this spec is finished. I'm talking to you, Xandy!

My advice on prepping for this particular class (it runs often): pick the one-hour drama you're interested in specing first. I spent a lot of time analyzing and considering very cool shows - I recommend you know which you really want to write for prior to beginning the class. It will leave you more time to write, and get some great notes. Bill also has a new eBook coming out in March for the Kindle called "Writing The Pilot", which I will definitely buy - it's my next goal after finishing these specs.

I don't know about you, but I am the type of person who loves to prepare when I'm going to take on something new. I love to read about it. I love to talk about it. But I'm often reluctant to really do it because I'm afraid of embarrassment and failure.

Well, guess what? In my humble opinion, you can't learn and grow without doing both.

In this class, I had to put myself out there. And missing the first week, I only had three to get something out of it. If I didn't write, I wasted my money and my time. In three weeks I picked a series, brainstormed three stories, and fleshed out two. And now I'm writing my spec. I also have three stories for Modern Family, and now have the tools to write my spec for that show as well.

After some reflection, I realized that I've been successful in two other areas by finally diving in, making mistakes, seeking and enjoying support from family, friends and colleagues, and embracing harsh but extremely valuable constructive criticism.

At the age of 15, I decided I wanted to be a radio announcer. I loved music and I loved the radio. When I was alone, it was my best friend. My favorite TV show was WKRP in Cincinnati. I listened to radio in the car, on the beach, mowing the lawn and in my room. I really learned guitar by playing along with the radio. And I was gifted with a baritone speaking voice. I was repeatedly told I had a nice voice and should be on the radio. I believed it.

How does one get on the radio? I started on WUMD-AM, UMBC's campus station located at 560 on your AM dial, where demos and auditions weren't required. Just tuition and a good attitude. And the latter was optional. I. Loved. It! I knew I had made the right career choice. I was on the air at college for four years. I was program director. I was the station's general manager. I couldn't wait to really get on the air. Where would I start? New York? LA? San Francisco?

Here's the thing. Having a pleasant speaking-voice doesn't get you on the air. A great demo tape does. My first demo tape was horrible. All my friends and family were very excited for me, and very kind. But I needed to hear the truth. My first tape was way too long (nearly five minutes). The breaks were atrocious, and the gaps in between were wide enough to drive a fleet of semis through. And, most importantly, I wasn't being myself.

I met a man by the name of Darius Pope who worked for a local NBC TV affiliate in Washington, DC, and had years of radio experience. He was the friend of a colleague and listened to my tape. And he told me it was shit. He said I sounded like I was trying to impersonate everyone I had ever heard on the radio, and I would never get a job in radio with it. And he was absolutely right.

But he wasn't insulting me. He was telling me what I needed to hear.

For your listening horror, here's my first demo tape that I actually sent to some of the biggest stations in the country. And not surprisingly, it didn't get me anywhere.

But Darius didn't say I'll never make it. He was telling me why that tape wouldn't help. And then for reasons I still don't understand but am eternally grateful, he took me to a studio and helped me produce a new tape, and coached me to sound like me.

Here it is (just a little over two minutes long):

But Darius didn't stop there. Once I had the tape he told me to pick up the phone. Start calling local stations, ask for the program director, tell him -- not being sexist here; it was a very male-dominated industry -- that I just graduated and would love to be able to send my résumé and demo tape.

What? Cold call? This will never work. I called 10 stations. I spoke to at least six program directors and several were hiring. I landed two interviews and then my first radio job at WFMD-AM/WFRE-FM in Frederick, MD. All in the span of like eight weeks. And all because I got the feedback and encouragement I needed - I listened to it and acted upon it, and I didn't give up.

After working at WFMD for a while, I went back with Darius and made an even better demo tape. You can hear that here:

Funny thing happened though. The job paid very little. And when I got on the radio, I had nothing to say. I had no real control over the music. I was supposed to speak as little as possible, unless I was reading the news (which was fun to rewrite into small bytes). If I wanted to make it into a better market, and support a family (I was about to marry at the time), I'd have to schlep from city to city and pay my dues. For years. I had little confidence in my humor those days, and I made the difficult decision to bow out. But I achieved my dream, and I was on the air. And I DJ'd at a few bars for years, where I had total control over the music, free beer and brought in some extra cash.

So after the radio gig, I worked for various companies doing various things, but always computer related. I've been a computer nerd since I was a kid. But I was just working. It wasn't my passion. But in 1995, all of that changed. After seeing Sandra Bullock in The Net, I had a new dream: I wanted to be Sandra Bullock.

OK, not exactly Sandra Bullock, but her character Angela Bennett. A software tester. OK, not just a software tester, but a genius software tester who could run three PCs at once and identify the weaknesses and critical defects in code. It may not sound glamorous, but I thought it sounded pretty cool.

With the help of a recommendation, I got a job on a tech support line. In seven months I learned the company's software, and its flaws. With another recommendation I moved into the IT department. With lots of great mentoring, continuing education, perseverance and trial and error, I became a senior software tester, and a senior requirements analyst, and after a lot of prepping and fear, I even became a coder. All because I didn't give up, I had great mentors, and I got the feedback I needed.

And it's been fun, and it pays the bills, and I enjoy my job. But it's not my big dream. That's scriptwriting. And I'm totally convinced I will break into television writing. But only by continuing to write, seeking and heeding constructive feedback, embracing the encouragement along the way, and paying it forward once I get there.

So what's your dream? And what are you doing about it?

It's Not Writer's Block: It's Muddle Age

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 23:19:00 -0500

Muddle Age? That's a typo, right?

No.

OMG. What could that be? Did you read it on WebMD?

No. I made it up. But it's real, man.

It's when you double your age and realize, "Aw crap. No way. I'm not going to live that long."

For me, it's 94. No matter how organic my food, or how awesome my downward dog, it ain't gonna happen.

I live to write humorous posts (humourous for my Canadian/British friends; humerus for my pre-med). And it's not like I just stopped laughing, but I've been to five viewings/funerals in a span of eight months, and it kind of kills the buzz. Repeatedly.

In my mid-twenties, all my friends were getting married. In my mid-thirties, all my friends were having babies. In my early forties, it was mid-life. And now in my *mumble* *ahem* *cough* not-early forties, my friends are losing their parents. Luckily, mine are doing well in the blue/silver/beet-haired mecca we call Florida.

Don't get me wrong. I'm blessed to be here, to have known all of these people, and to still have my parents. But it's been kind of crazy, and I'm really hoping it's not a pattern. Not another "I'm at that age..." And laughing at Snuggies, idiot politicians or Family Guy just hasn't done the trick.

But the fact the term "muddle age" hit me when I was brooding about my writing hiatus inspires me, whether it's my own ability to persevere and think up goofy shit, or a little divine intervention giving me the nudge I've been pining for. Or maybe I overheard it.

But I just blogged about it.

♬ Bang your head / Muddle health will drive you mad ♬

Muddle on, fothermucker. Muddle on.

It's the Playoffs: What Are You Wearing?

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sat, 8 Jan 2011 19:05:00 -0500

What?

Why would I ask such a question?

I'm totally serious, but not in a fashion sense. It's not about having officially licensed gear, your own nickname name on your jersey (with your age or #1), or squeezing one's body into Under Armour® like an overstuffed sausage casing. What I mean is consciously selecting what you wear to help your team on game day.

Tomorrow my Baltimore Ravens are playing the Kansas City Chiefs. And when it's game day, I have superstitions. When it's the playoffs, they're off the charts. And they're stupid. I don't really believe what I wear or don't wear has any impact on the game, but it allows me to feel a part of the game.

So I wear purple Hanes® (anyone else hear Hendrix?) boxer briefs, pictured...yeah right.

I also don a Ravens shirt or jersey. The problem is, I only have two shirts and there's a good chance I haven't gotten to the laundry. I won't wear dirty clothes. And I don't buy jerseys every year so mine are usually of former players. Now, if it's of a retired Hall-of-Famer, big props and we're headed to the Super Bowl. But if it's a released hack, or someone who plays for another team, I think that's actually bad luck. So then I might go with something that reflects team colors. Luckily, white is always an option if my time is the visitor. --Wow, I am a lazy-ass fan. These athletes work out all week and I can't even schedule a load of laundry.

There's no way I'm alone in this, so 'fess up, people. What do you wear on game day?

My Favorite WTF Commercial

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Mon, 3 Jan 2011 20:31:00 -0500

I realize that acronyms like WTF are ridiculously overused, but I don't know what else conveys my reaction to this particular ad more perfectly every time I see it. And because I still see it several times a day, I am compelled to comment. Also, because I'm incredibly opinionated, I feel compelled to comment. It's from a company called InventHelp®.

Don't get me wrong. I am a strong believer that it takes many failures before you reach success; otherwise, you're not really trying. And I'm very impressed with inventors and entrepreneurs. I even had my own business in the 90s. The statistic I heard quoted the most was: "Ninety percent of all businesses fail in their first year." So when I made it through my first year, I thought I was in the clear. Then I learned, "And after that, another 50% fail in the second." Suck.

My business lasted four years. It was fun and challenging but it just didn't provide a reliable, steady income. The only reason I started it? After being laid off in the recession of '92 (that wasn't acknowledged until '93), and 75 unanswered résumé submissions, I had to make more than Unemployment Insurance offered. OK there were only 74 unanswered submissions, but I really dodged a bullet not accepting that one job offer, which is a blog in itself.

My company was AlphaNumerics, a data/writing/computer service. Basically me for hire. It's still registered, and I still have one client.

Back to the commercial.

Here's a transcript:

"Do you have an idea for an invention or new product? Bill Schafer, co-inventor of the Splash Wash did. He came up with the idea while watching his children play. InventHelp submitted his idea to Wham-O®, maker of toys like the Frisbee® and Hula Hoop®. To find out how InventHelp can help you to try to submit your idea to companies, call for free information."

Now if it just stopped there, you might think, "Hey! They helped Bill. I have a great idea. Maybe they can make me rich!" But they close with this last friendly disclaimer, and not at a hundred words a second like so many other ads. And it makes me laugh every time:

"Bill Schafer made a financial gain with his invention. Bill's experience is not typical and most inventions are not successful."

Who would pick up the phone after that buzz kill?

P.S. My favorite Wham-O® product ever is Trac Ball®.

Steve Kaplan's Comedy Intensive: An Hommage

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 14:05:00 -0500

STEVE KAPLAN: Photo used without permission; but it's a nice shot, so he should be OK with it.

Last week I flew to Los Angeles to attend Steve Kaplan's Comedy Intensive, a writing course all about comedy.

I live in Baltimore. Why would I fly to L.A. for a course offered in closer locations like New York and Chicago? Because I wanted the whole experience: Hollywood Boulevard, film studios, television studios, unbearable traffic, people prettier than me, and 65-degree temperatures when they're calling for snow back on the East Coast.

It was SO worth it! The trip was fantastic! And the course was beyond my expectations. I highly recommend this experience for anyone who is interested in writing film comedies, sit-coms, or just comic scenes. Yes, I called it an "experience". Not in the sense of today's IT software lingo or a Disney attraction, but it's more than a traditional lecture.

It was interactive, fantastic discussion, and what I needed more than anything: tons of examples of good comedy, and bad, through TV and film clips, script samples and writing exercises.

Steve is entertaining, approachable, engaging and, of course, funny. He's spent decades analyzing comedy, and his students are the beneficiaries of his wisdom. He's worked with everyone. Check out his bio here. It reads like a name-dropper found at every party, except this list is real.

There were about 50 people in my class: all friendly and none trying to be the funniest in the room. There were writers, directors, stand-ups, actors and producers - many hyphenates of at least two.

I didn't take this class to be funnier. I'm not going to get any funnier, just like I'm not going to get any taller. But my writing can be cleaner, and I can deliver better dialogue and scenes, and ultimately, better comedy.

Steve provides lots of analysis and insight, and you leave with a real understanding plus some tools to help you with your own writing.

I could offer all kinds of stories of my short week in LA, but this is my favorite. My girlfriend Barbara and I are good traveling companions. What I'm not good at are directions. I was born without an interior gyroscope or compass. To alleviate this, I brought my GPS ('cause I refuse to pay extra when renting a car).

We were on our way to see our friend George at his sister's restaurant, Mako, in Beverly Hills. He gave us the address. We punched it into the GPS and were on our way. Until the GPS died. My charger was broken. I was driving. Every time Barb tried to restart the GPS it just said "Low Battery" and shut itself off. I had punched the address into my Droid smart phone, but Barb wasn't familiar with it. And it was set to lock every 30 seconds to save power. I won't transcribe the actual dialogue here because I'm anything but cool under pressure. But it did inspire this hommage to Seinfeld, with me and Barb played by George and Elaine.

-----

INT. GEORGE'S CAR - DAY

GEORGE IS DRIVING. ELAINE IS NAVIGATING.

GEORGE

OK. We're on route 66. What's next?

ELAINE

Just keep going. I'll tell you when the next turn is coming up.

GEORGE

No. Tell me now so we won't miss it.

ELAINE

You can't handle that much information, George. We won't miss it.

GEORGE

Just tell me so we're both looking. What's the next turn?

ELAINE

Uh-oh.

GEORGE

Uh-oh? What uh-oh?

ELAINE

The GPS died.

GEORGE

Died? How could it die? It's brand new!

ELAINE

I don't know how it died. You said you paid forty dollars for it. You tell me.

GEORGE

It had a warranty! What's the next turn?

ELAINE

I don't know. La something.

GEORGE

La something? EVERYTHING here is La something. I asked you to tell me the next turn. See what happens?

ELAINE

How did I know your stupid GPS would die? Calm down, George.

GEORGE

Calm down? Calm down?

ELAINE

Calm down. Just pull into the next gas station.

GEORGE

And do what?

ELAINE

Ask for directions.

GEORGE

Ask for directions. Why does everyone always say "Stop at the gas station"? The only skills required to work at a gas station are to pump gas.

ELAINE

They have maps.

GEORGE

Maps. For $15.95. No thanks.

ELAINE

OK, ask for directions.

GEORGE

Have you ever seen an ad for a gas station attendant? It says you have to work a register and pump gas. It doesn't say pioneering skills are required.

ELAINE

You're hopeless. Pull over.

GEORGE

And do what?

ELAINE

Let me drive.

GEORGE

We didn't put you on the thing at the rental car place.

ELAINE

I won't tell anyone.

GEORGE

How will you find the restaurant?

ELAINE

I'll stop at the next gas station.

-----

OK, my script skills need some work. So don't let this example deter you from taking the class! And don't let it be a reflection of Barb. I'm the panicky, neurotic one. She's the calm, logical thinker. And she tells me the next turn well before it comes up.

And as far as the class went, we laughed our asses off for two days. I've been in 50-minute lectures that felt too long after five minutes. I wanted Steve's class to continue for another week. I wanted to continue to brainstorm new log lines, critique scripts, and collaborate with such engaging and creative minds all in one room.

I met a really cool guy named Rob who moved up from Connecticut seven weeks ago and was heading back to get the rest of his things. My friend Jeanne quit her day job to write full time. And after my short five-day trip, I really get it now when someone says, "If you want to work in television, you need to be here." I'm still high on the vibe I felt while there, and I started planning my own relocation before we left.

In all honesty, this trip was also a feeler for L.A. to see how much I might hate it. It was the opposite. I loved it! I visited with family. I met some fellow Script Chat compadres, and I regretted not hooking up with so many other Twitter friends in the area. My next trip will last longer.

I started reading a new book on the flight home, given to me by my friend Steve Kubiak, called Billion-Dollar Kiss and written by Jeffrey Stepakoff. It's all about Jeffrey's journey in television, as well as the evolution of television writing, and I couldn't put it down. I read half of it by the time we landed at BWI. I knew before we got home L.A. is really where I want to be.

I also fell in love with Amoeba Music - records and CDs as far as the eye could see, in a two-story shrine to my youth.

For those who can't afford to travel or pay for the course fee, don't despair. Steve's book is forthcoming (once he finds the right publisher), as well as a blog site.

And for those interested in television writing like I am, don't forget the fellowships offered by various studios each year. The next one up is the Nickelodeon Writing Fellowship. The submission period for your application and spec script of a half-hour comedic television show on prime time network or cable (no, it does not need to be kid-friendly) runs January 2 through February 28, 2011.

In the meantime, click here for Steve Kaplan's web site. And click here for the full course outline.

Highly recommended. Can't wait for the book! Back to writing!