Doggy Style

The Naked Truth About Flying

2009-07-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

Air New Zealand is showing a new safety video on flights in the hope that people will pay closer attention because, well, it's important, it could save your life, and you might enjoy seeing the flight attendants and pilot in the video because they aren't wearing clothes. True their bodies are painted to look like they're wearing clothes, but heck, use your imagination. Meanwhile, a man on a US Airways flight from Charlotte to L.A. must have thought it sounded like a good idea because he took off his clothes and refused to put them back on. The plane was diverted to Albuquerque where the man was arrested and charged with impersonating a flight attendant.

It's Was The Wallabies, Dude

2009-07-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

The Tasmanian Attorney-General claims to know what's causing the mysterious crop circles in the country's opium poppy fields—stoned wallabies. It seems the animals eat the poppies, get "high as a kite," and hop around in circles. The Associated Press couldn't get a copy of the brief the Attorney-General cited, but reportedly it says the wallabies also like to wear tie-dye T-shirts, have a penchant for black light Jimi Hendrix posters, and have been known to devour whole bags of Doritos and boxes of jelly-filled doughnuts in minutes.

Shrouded In Mystery

2009-07-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

A new documentary claims that the face on the Shroud of Turin isn't, in fact, Jesus Christ, but rather a photographic self-portrait of Leonardo Da Vinci done 400 years before Kodachrome was invented (R.I.P.). Lillian Schwartz, of the School of Visual Arts in New York, used computer scans to discover that the face on the shroud has the same dimensions as Da Vinci. Researcher and author Lynn Picknett said: "It is spooky, it is jaw-dropping - it is the most exciting thing that has ever happened." The eradication of polio, George Bush leaving office, and making it through the Y2K bug intact notwithstanding.

But My Grandmother's Passport Died. Honest!

2009-06-30T09:37:00.000-07:00

Jon Meier had a good excuse for not going on his Spanish class trip to Peru. The dog ate his passport. Seriously. When he tried to board a plane in Miami he was told he couldn't join the class and had to go back to Wisconsin because some of the numbers on his passport had been chewed off by his golden retriever, Sunshine. Meier says he knew about it but didn't have time to get a new one. Because his grandmother died. And the alarm didn't go off even though he set it. And...

How Many Sardines Can You Fit In An Airbus A330?

2009-06-29T09:43:00.000-07:00

Spring Airlines, a budget carrier in China, has asked the government for permission to sell cheaper standing room only tickets on its flights. Sure you wouldn't get to wear a seat belt, sleep using the blankets and pillows most airlines don't supply anymore, or partake of the now non-existent food service, at least you wouldn't be in the middle seat. Let's hope U.S. Airlines don't read this story.

Science Explains Everything

2009-06-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

Nigaz (With Gas And Attitude?)

2009-06-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

Gazprom, the giant Russian energy company, just signed a $2.5 billion joint venture with Nigeria's state run NNPC to build refineries, pipelines and gas power stations in Nigeria. The new company is to be called Nigaz. Seriously. It will be run by a Ho (Head Operator) and the employees will be known as bi-atchs. Word.

Maybe He Should Stick To Discussing Ghandi

2009-06-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Jason Everett Keller, who is homeless, is on trial in South San Francisco on charges that he hit another transient in the face with a skateboard and split his lip because he butted in on a conversation Keller was having about "quantum physics and the splitting of atoms." He later tried to hit a police officer with a Razor scooter after getting into an argument about how Schopenhauer's metaphysics of the will, aesthetics, and ethics play themselves out in Nietzsche's writings.

Be Safe, Keep That Thing Wrapped

2009-06-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

For years visitors to the Brooklyn Museum have marveled at a centuries old mummy named Lady Hor. Well now a CAT scan performed at North Shore University Hospital has revealed that it's actually Mr. Hor to you. Time to cancel that sonogram appointment, Hor.

Like The Blind Leading The Fire Batallion

2009-06-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, firefighters at the Waipahu fire station in Honolulu were called to the scene of a traffic accident. As they were finishing up they received a call about another fire. At their own station house. It seems they'd left some food cooking on the stove when they rushed out to the first call and it caught fire, causing about $25,000 in damage. Fire Department spokesman Capt. Terry Seelig has sent all firefighters a reminder to make sure they turn off cooking equipment when responding to emergencies. And not to make Cherries Jubilee without a fire extinguisher handy.

New-monics

2009-06-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

The British government is telling teachers to drop the mnemonic, "i before e, except after c" because there are too many exceptions to the rule, which is sufficiently weird in their minds. Students will still be able to remember that there are two esses in dessert because you want seconds and that every good boy deserves fudge, but Roy G. Biv could be on the endangered list if he's not careful.

I See Dead Voters

2009-06-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

Dead Albanians will be able to vote in the country's June 28 general election. Well, they'll be eligible to vote, anyway. It turns out that 5,000 voters over 100-years-old and 3,300 voters over 110-years-old are still registered, even though some, like a 159-year-old, are quite obviously dead. The problem is that legally they can't be erased from the voting register unless declared dead and, well, this is Albania we're talking about. The Socialist Party thinks they should consider any citizen over 90-years-old to be dead. The Interior Minister thinks that's ridiculous. AAARP (Albanian Association for the Advancement of Registered Poltergeists) hasn't weighed in yet.

Make That A Venti Refund, Please

2009-06-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

Starbucks has admitted that it accidentally overcharged a million customers at more than 7,000 stores over the Memorial Day Weekend when, at the end of the day, the company's automated system charged people's credit cards a second time. This is not to be confused with the deliberate overcharging the company does every day by selling lattes that cost 12 times the price of a barrel of oil.

A Million Little Words

2009-06-10T08:48:00.000-07:00

A few months ago a group called the Global Language Monitor announced that the English language was going to get its millionth word between March 30 and April 29. Well, here it is June 10 and they just declared that the millionth word entered our vocabulary at 5:22 a.m. EDT. Hey, better late than never. The word is "Web 2.0". You know, the "word" that was first used in 1999 and everyone's so sick of that it's a big, meaningless joke. I can't wait for the two millionth word. It will probably be "forsooth."

The Cow Jumped Over The Spork

2009-06-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

A spokesperson for the International Air Transport Association says airlines are cutting every ounce they can in an effort to save fuel and money. Some are dropping those weighty in-flight magazines while others are loading less water for the passengers. JAL took everything it loads on a 747 and laid it out on a school gym floor, then looked to see what it could get rid of. They decided to shave a fraction of a centimeter off the spoons in order to cut about five lbs. per flight. Why not go to sporks and save a few more ounces? Better yet, put the pilots and flight attendants on diets. The airline could save more than they would from the spoon trimming and we could get a decent amount of food in our mouths.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Bureaucracy

2009-06-08T09:17:00.000-07:00

As part of their training in communication skills, more than 100 Japanese transport ministry officials received lessons in stand-up comedy. Officials say it will help them speak to clients and manage their staff. Not to mention get more laughs at Open Mike Night, help squelch office hecklers, and give them something to fall back on should the economy worsen and they lose their job.

Where's The Dough? Where Are The Nuts?

2009-06-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

Since today's the first Friday in June it can mean only one thing—yes, it's National Doughnut Day. Dreamed up in 1917 by the Salvation Army to boost troop morale during WWI, it's a patriotic excuse to get out of the office, enjoy some fluffy carbohydrates, and understand what it's like to be a police officer, all in the name of helping the doughnut chains—or donut chains, if you will—get lots of free publicity and attention. Dunkin' Donuts will give you a free doughnut if you buy a drink ("While supplies last. Price and participation may vary. Plus applicable taxes."). Krispy Kreme will give you a free one just for walking in the door and asking. Remember, on National Doughnut Day they're calorie-free!

Speling Counts

2009-06-04T10:01:00.000-07:00

The New York Tymes—I mean, Times—ran a correction yesterday apologizing for having misspelled "Procter & Gamble" as "Proctor & Gamble" in an article on January 6. They also admitted to having misspelled the company's name before. Like more than 100 times. And having run a correction about it once before. Hopefully they'll add the company's name to their spelcheker so it won't happen again.

A Teenage Boy's (Wet) Dream Come True

2009-06-03T09:37:00.000-07:00

A company in Norway named Bioforskning is selling a synthesized anti-oxidant that was discovered in human sperm they say reduces wrinkles and makes your skin smoother. Spermine facials are available in New York at Townhouse Spa for $250 or Graceful Services for $125. Or for free in the privacy of your own home from Grateful Services.

Sir, Tweet, Sir!

2009-06-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

Remember how grossed out you were when your mother got a Facebook page and sent you a friend request? Well that's nothing, you might get one from the U.S. military in Afghanistan soon. That's right, they're on Facebook, as well as YouTube and Twitter. OMG! Just yesterday they sent out a tweet saying "Afghan & coalition forces killed four militants & detained two suspects in a Wardak Province operation targeting an IED-network commander" hours before they told the media. At least they didn't use LOL.

Know Thyself

2009-06-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

June 2 is International Whores Day, a celebration—or is it just an observance?—that got its start in 1975 when a group of sex workers staged a sit-in at a Church in Lyon, France, to protest discrimination against them. To commemorate it this year, sex workers in Australia will amass outside the New South Wales Parliament House to protest the high cost of advertising in local newspapers, freelance writers and artists will bemoan having to do anything as long as the client is paying, and politicians around the globe will realize that they're going to have to legalize prostitution or risk being arrested for doing their job.

Wipe That Smirk Off Your Face

2009-05-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

As if driver's license photos aren't bad enough already, now some states are requiring "neutral facial expressions." They're doing this so the computerized systems that match new photos with those previously taken don't get confused. Apparently if you smile in one photo and not in the other it won't make a match. In Virginia, you're not allowed to smile at all. Arkansas, Indiana, and Nevada, on the other hand, allow slight smiles. Grins, smirks, looks of amusement, and outright laughter will not be tolerated, so stop this instant!

I Archie, Take Thee...

2009-05-28T12:29:00.001-07:00

After 68 years of stringing two girls along, Archie of comic book fame has chosen one of them. Yes, in the new issue of Archie comics he proposes to Veronica, leaving Betty in tears. The cad. While they should be getting married in the Riverdale Senior Care Community, thanks to Botox and sharp artist pens they haven't aged a bit. Okay, a little bit—Archie finally graduated from Riverdale High School, which makes him the longest running senior in education history. And you thought Moose was dumb! No word on whether Jughead will be the best man, nor if he is, how he'll look in a tux and that weird hat of his. Can a reality series be far behind?

And Now, Durex Presents, Pope Benedict XVI

2009-05-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

For the first time in its 78 years, Vatican Radio, known as the Voice of the Pope, will broadcast commercials because apparently the economic downturn is hurting the church too. They considered having a pledge week but remembered that they already do that every Sunday. The ads, which will start airing on July 6, must be in keeping with the "high moral standards of the Catholic Church." [Insert favorite altar boy joke here.]

Cleaning Up The Street

2009-05-26T10:05:00.000-07:00

The people who lived on Butt Hole Road in Conisbrough, England, didn't think it was amusing that tourists liked to drop their drawers and have their photos taken in front of the local street sign, so they had the street renamed. To Arse's Way. I mean, Archer's Way. The Butthole Surfers say they have no intention of changing the band's name nor of performing at this year's block party.