Doggy Style

Combo Sports

2008-07-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

The world chess boxing championship was recently held in Berlin and Nikolay Sazhin of Russia took the crown when Frank Stoldt of Germany left his queen vulnerable and Sazhin forced him to concede. Kind of an intellectual knockout. Chess boxing is a new sport that alternates a round of chess with a round of boxing until one person either beats the other at chess or beats him senseless. Not that hybrid sports are anything new. The Olympics has the biathlon, which combines cross-country skiing and shooting a rifle, and the pentathlon, which includes fencing, shooting a handgun, swimming, horseback riding, and running. If chess boxing catches on it's only a matter of time until more hybrid sports pop up, like checkers kayaking, poker golf, and Candyland UFC, which will alternate rounds of the board game with an Ultimate Fighting cage match.

Hey Kids, Want To Design A Flag?

2008-07-17T11:17:00.000-07:00

Iraq is holding a competition to design a new national flag. It's not just for Iraqis, but is open to anyone who wants to enter a design. A committee will pick three designs, after which members of the parliament will vote for their favorite. The deadline for submissions is the end of September, with the final vote expected to come before the end of the year, the end of the war, of the end of the world, whichever comes first.

Duck For Cover

2008-07-16T10:35:00.000-07:00

So much uproar over the New Yorker magazine cover with Barack and Michelle Obama on it. Sheesh! It's satire. It's humor. Besides, who cares if Obama wears muslin and held some corn when he took the oath of office for the Senate?

Smart Investing

2008-07-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

The price of oil is $138 a barrel. The cost of popcorn to movie theaters has gone up 50% in the last few months, meaning it costs more per barrel than oil. Yet according to the EPA, the "statistical" value of an American's life has dropped over the past five years from $7.8 million to $6.9 million. It doesn't take a financial genius to know it's time to move your 401(k) money out of human life funds and into popcorn futures.

Graceless Under Pressure

2008-07-14T10:25:00.000-07:00

For the second year in a row, a Miss USA fell down during the evening gown competition of the Miss Universe pageant. A little advice for next year's contestant: get a shorter gown, wear flats or platforms, put sticky stuff on your soles and heels, practice walking, and don't feel pressured to continue the tradition. If you're still feeling a little nervous about it, fake a leg injury and use crutches. There's nothing to be ashamed of by pandering to the sympathy vote.

The Blind Leading The Autopilot

2008-07-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

St Mary's Airport in England is looking to hire a fourth air traffic controller. The salary is about $70,000 a year and, according to the ad, the applicant must have excellent vision since the airport is on a hill and is often covered in fog. A note at the bottom of the application says: "If you require this document in an alternative language, in larger text, Braille, easy read or in an audio format, please contact the Community Relations Officer." I think I'll stick to flying into Heathrow.

With Friends Like You...

2008-07-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

Last month when President Bush was in Rome, he said of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi that "We're good friends." Fast forward to the Group of 8 summit meeting the other day where the press kit the White House handed out to the press corps referred to Berlusconi as one of the "most controversial leaders in the history of a country known for government corruption and vice" and said he'd been "accused of the very corruption he had vowed to eradicate." White House spokesman Tony Fratto apologized, calling it a "very unfortunate mistake." Bush said, "We were just kidding. That pasta-sucker may have a girly sounding name but he's no more corrupt than I am."

The Election Has Officially Gone To The Dogs

2008-07-08T10:43:00.000-07:00

An AP-Yahoo News poll has found that pet owners favor John McCain over Barrack Obama 42% to 37%, while 48% of those who don't own a pet—or are their guardians as they prefer to say in San Francisco—would rather see Obama become president. Nader, meanwhile, was favored by 3% across categories, the same as "Other" but less than the 12% who are undecided. This proves one thing—okay, three things: that the election process lasts way too long, pollsters ran out of intelligent questions in 1972, and the media need to find a disaster or celebrity divorce/birth/rehab to keep them busy. Hopefully soon.

Watermelon - Nature's Viagra

2008-07-07T12:06:00.000-07:00

Scientists at Texas A&M's Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center say watermelon contains citrulline, a chemical that reacts with the body's enzymes to be changed into arginine, an amino acid that boosts nitric oxide which relaxes blood vessels, the same basic effect as Viagra. Any time now you can expect to see spam showing offering cheap generic watermelons that will be shipped in plain brown wrappers.

OMG! WWJD? LOL

2008-07-02T09:10:00.000-07:00

The Raleigh News & Observer reports that the state DMV has notified nearly 10,000 people that their license plates may contain a vulgar acronym. WTF? Exactly. Anyone in the state with license plates containing “WTF” can get new ones free. That's nice of them, but what a PITA.

Eat More Robo-Seal

2008-06-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

For several years you’ve been able to buy Paro, a fuzzy robot baby seal, in Japan. Now the company is bringing it to the U.S., where they plan to market it to nursing homes and hospitals to comfort people who have dementia, autism, or other problems that lead to social isolation. You know, like hermits, sociopaths, and those with TKS (Ted Kaczynski Syndrome). If that doesn’t work out, they can ship them to Canada where the seal hunters can club the hell out of them and no one will object, except maybe the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Robots.

I Need This Like Another Hole In The Head

2008-06-27T09:32:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago there was a rash of guys who had nails in their skulls. A man in South Korea had a 2-inch nail removed from his head that had been there for four years without his knowing it. Then a Colorado man had a 4-inch nail removed, though it had only been there for six days. Recently a man in Kansas was fixing his deck when his friend accidentally fired a 2-1/2-inch nail into his head. He thought he'd only been grazed but his friend saw what happened. So they went to the hospital where the doctor removed the nail using a sanitized hammer and screwdriver borrowed from a hospital maintenance man. Remember, a good carpenter doesn't blame his headaches on his tools.

If The Devil Wears Them Then I'm Not

2008-06-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

The Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano says the rumor about Pope Benedict XVI 's spiffy bright red shoes being Prada is false, even though such normally reliable sources as Newsweek have said they are. The newspaper claims the Pope's clothing choices aren't about fashion, but rather the symbolism they can bring to the liturgy. “The pope, therefore, does not wear Prada, but Christ,” L’Osservatore said. The Devil was unavailable for comment.

Eschew Obfuscation

2008-06-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

The Government Accountability Office released a report in which they concluded that many of the goals President Bush outlined in the euphemistically named "New Way Forward" strategy a year and a half ago are still unmet. In response, the Pentagon said it "nonconcurs with the GAO recommendation." George Carlin is probably ROIHGL* right now.

*Rolling Over In His Grave Laughing.

This Is Your Autopilot Speaking

2008-06-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

In order to save money because of rising fuel costs, United Airlines says it's going to lay off about 950 pilots, so get used to hearing the flight attendant say, "...and please turn off all electronic devices until the pilot says we've reached cruising altitude. Which reminds me, is there a pilot in the house? If so, we'll give you a voucher good for $29.95 off your next flight if you can get us to Chicago."

And No, We Don't Have Kung Pao Panda

2008-06-23T11:51:00.000-07:00

The Chinese government is afraid people won't want to eat the food during the Olympics. Gee, just because the names of some popular dishes translate as "husband and wife's lung slice", "bean curd made by a pock-marked woman," and "chicken without sexual life"? To be safe, they've been officially renamed beef and ox tripe in chili sauce, Mapo tofu, and steamed pullet. How boring. You'll even be able to get kung pao chicken, a dish whose name they never heard before over there. General Tso must be rolling over in his grave.

On The Highway To Heck

2008-06-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

First it was Garth Brooks, then the Eagles, then Journey. Now AC/DC has decided to sell their next album only at Wal-Mart. You know, the store that made John Mellencamp airbrush Jesus and a devil from his CD cover, changed Nirvana's Rape Me to Waif Me, and has sold CDs by Beck, Outkast, and White Zombie only after some lyrics were cleaned up. Don't be surprised if the chain sells the band's back catalog as Not So Clean Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, Highway to Heck, and Spherebreaker. And once Wal-Mart finds out what the term AC/DC can mean, the band will change its name to AC/AC. Yup, we're on a highway to heck, okay.

We're All Boobs On This Bus

2008-06-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

Belgian scientists have proven what trade show exhibitors, beer marketers, and Hooters have known for years — men become more impulsive and make stupid decisions when they see women in bikinis. And you wondered why Sports Illustrated sells nearly 5 million copies of their annual swimsuit issue filled with $35 million in advertising?

The Sleep At Work Diet Plan

2008-06-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

A survey by the National Sleep Foundation found that one-third of us have fallen asleep at work. Researchers at the Sleep Disorders Center at Sentara Norfolk General Hospital in Virginia found that people who don't get enough sleep tend to weigh more. So the next time your boss wakes you up at work, tell him or her that you're dieting and that being fit will save the company money on health care in the long term. If that doesn't work, try sleeping during your upcoming job interviews. You might stay unemployed, but you'll be slim.

The Other Election News

2008-06-17T10:27:00.000-07:00

Lest you think Barack Obama's clinching the presumptiveness of the Democratic nomination is the only big election news:

- Pillsbury, North Dakota, held a primary election on June 10th to choose the candidates for mayor and aldermen. None of the 24 residents made it to the polls, not even the candidates who were on the ballot. Unfortunately state law doesn't allow "Apathy" to take office.

- The residents of a Romanian village re-elected their mayor the other day, even though he died from liver disease before the voting began. "I know he died," one villager said, "but I don't want change." Good idea. Maybe we should start a write-in campaign to elect JFK as president? Or Franklin D. Roosevelt. Heck, let's elect George Washington again!

Priced Out Of The Protest

2008-06-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

It's a sad day when the price of gas is so high you can't afford to make a Molotov cocktail to protest the high price of gas.

Port-a-Sushi

2008-06-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

On the waterfront in Qingdao, where Olympic sailing events will be taking place this summer, vendors have been hawking key chains with a heart-shaped sealed plastic bag attached that has Huanhuan, one of five mascots for the Olympic games, printed on it. Oh yeah, and a live — for the moment, anyway — goldfish sealed inside the bag. Hey, at least it doesn't have "In case of sushi craving, break bag" printed on it.

This Chant Sponsored By Jiffy Lube

2008-06-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

Chinese officials are using television programs, video presentations, and the education ministry to promote an official cheering routine for Chinese spectators at the Olympics in August. The four-step routine begins with the common sporting chant "Jiayou!" followed by two claps and a double thumbs up, then "China — Jiayou!" with two more claps and raised fists. "Jiayou," by the way, translates as "add oil." It's a chant only a dipstick — or not to be redundant, George Bush — could love.

It's Gonna Be A Long, Hot Winter

2008-06-09T08:04:00.000-07:00

Last month the McMurdo research base in Antarctica received their last shipment of supplies before winter sets in and they find themselves in constant darkness. The shipment included 16,500 condoms which will be given to the staff and scientists. Since only about 125 people are there during the winter that, uh, comes to 132 condoms per person. Did I mention that it will be romantically dark 24 hours a day and the next sunrise won't be until August 20th? You have to wonder if all that heat being generated could contribute to global warming.

We Don't Need No Educaiton

2008-06-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

When the diplomas for graduates of Westlake High School near Cleveland showed up, they had to be sent back because there was an error. Boy, were their faces read! When they were reshipped administrators didn't think to check them again. Bad moove. When the students were handed their diplomas they noticed that "education" was spelled "educaiton." The publisher has reprinted them and will be going to summer school instead of working at Burger King.