Doggy Style

What's An Aging Doll To Do?

2009-11-06T11:23:00.000-08:00

You might remember that a few years back Barbie dumped Ken after 43 fun years together, then took up with an Australian boogie boarder named Blaine. Well it didn't work out —go figure—so they brought Ken back a year later. So what's Ken up to these days? He's a Palm Beach Sugar Daddy. Yes, that's what Mattel is calling their new doll: "Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken." He wears white pants and a patterned green blazer, has a George Hamilton tan and a coif that trumps Donald Trumps', and walks a little white dog. Mattel says the $81.99 doll got its name because the dog is named Sugar and Ken is the dog's "daddy." Uh huh. Sure. Right. They also say the doll, which is due out next April, is intended for adults. Can the Apocalypse be far behind?

Aren't All Dolls Homeless Before Someone Buys Them?

2009-11-05T08:39:00.000-08:00

Suppose you already have the coolest American Girl dolls. You know, like the African-American doll, American Indian doll, Jewish doll, and even the one that "lived" during the Great Depression. Well now you can get one from the Great Recession. Mattel has released Gwen Thompson, the first homeless doll. According to the pamphlet that comes with it, Gwen's father walked out on the family, her mother lost her job, and now she and Mom live in a car. Like most homeless people, she can be yours for only $95. Car, dirty clothes, and empty Starbucks cup to hold out to passersby are extra.

Men Aren't The Only Birdbrains With A Sensitive Side

2009-11-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

A professor at the University of Colorado claims magpies aren't just aggressive predators, but much like the modern human male in movies, they also have a compassionate side. He studied four of the birds and noticed that they feel grief and hold funeral gatherings for their fallen friends, even laying grass "wreaths" beside their bodies. Heckle and Jeckle refused comment for the story because they were in mourning.

Now That's A Presidential Dynasty

2009-11-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

BridgeAnne d'Avignon, a seventh-grader in Watsonville, California, created a family tree with the help of her 80-year-old grandfather that shows the genealogical relationship between all the U.S. presidents. It turns out that President Barack Obama is related to every other U.S. president except Martin Van Buren, each being traced back to John "Lackland" Plantagenet, a king of England and signer of the Magna Carta. She also discovered that Obama is her 11th cousin, that everyone in the world is related because we all trace back to a single 3.8-billion-year-old organism, and that creationists don't believe in evolution because they have yet to evolve.

Is Michael Jackson Really Paul McCartney?

2009-11-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

A video is circulating of a Larry King CNN Special on Michael Jackson that many people think includes several scenes in which Michael's ghostly spirit can be seen in the background. Even stranger, they say at least one of the scenes was cut out when the show was re-broadcast! Larry King and his crew say what people see is actually the shadow of a crew member. Others say it's further proof that Paul is dead. Who knows? After all, if Larry King can host a show when he's obviously been dead for years, anything is possible.

Cleans Your Soul As Well As Your Windows

2009-10-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

A study by researchers at Brigham Young University found that people in a room that had been sprayed with citrus-scented Windex were more virtuous than those in an unscented room, being more prone to split money evenly with other people, willing to volunteer their time, and apt to donate money to charity. They also could see out of their glasses better, had a craving for oranges, and grinned like Stepford Wives saying, "My windows have never been cleaner and streak-free! And I've never felt so uprightly moral!"

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep...Cheaply

2009-10-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

Wal-Mart quietly began selling coffins on its website last week. They offer 15 caskets and dozens of urns in prices ranging from $999 to $3,199. They ship within 48 hours and let you pay for your purchase over a period of 12 months with no interest. Assuming, of course, that you're around to finish paying. This comes on the heels of Costco, which has been selling coffins in select stores since 2004 and more recently started selling them online. The selection is similar but at Wal-Mart you don't have to buy a six-pack.

Redistribute Your Body's, Uh, Wealth

2009-10-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

For a woman who prefers breasts to thighs—and when it comes to their body, name one who doesn't?—a plastic surgeon in Miami is liposuctioning excess fat from a part of the body that has too much and using it to augment the breasts. Not only does it look more natural than implants and leave no scar or incision, it's environmentally correct because your fat is being recycled instead of being released into a landfill. Think of it as downsizing and upsizing at the same time.

Would You Like Fries With That Singed Sheep Head?

2009-10-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

The three McDonald's restaurants in Iceland are all closing this weekend, thanks to rising costs that meant they'd need to increase the price of a Big Mac by 20 percent, which would have made it the world's most expensive, costing a whopper—I mean, whopping—780 krona, or $6.36. The franchisees plan to reopen the stores under the name Metro. Maybe they should stick to traditional Icelandic favorites like cured shark, singed sheep heads, and laufabrauð (deep-fried bread). With special sauce, of course.

What The Well Dressed Paranoid Is Wearing This Flu Season

2009-10-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

A Japanese clothing manufacturer has released a men's suit impregnated with titanium dioxide, which the company says will break down and kill any swine flu—uh, H1N1—on the fabric in a matter of hours. Costing $590, the suit comes in four colors to match your face mask and, even though it eliminates 40% of the virus, won't do a damned thing to help flu paranoia.

When In Rome, Do As Berlusconi Does

2009-10-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi told CNN he governs Italy out of a sense of duty, not because he enjoys it. "I'm doing what I do with a sense of sacrifice," he said. "I don't really like it. Not at all." When asked about his supposed affair with 18-year-old aspiring model Noemi Letizia, he said the exact same thing.

Your Money Or Your Breasts

2009-10-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

When Miss California USA officials took Carrie Prejean's crown last June for belligerent behavior, lack of cooperation and contract breaches, or her opposition to same-sex marriage depending on which side you believe, it was disclosed that not only had Prejean had breast augmentation surgery so she could be competitive in the national pageant, but pageant officials had loaned her the money. Well now they're suing to get her to repay the $5,200 she borrowed for the implants. She's writing a tell-all book, they want the book's profits, and legal minds everywhere are wondering, Is it legal to repay a loan for fake breasts using counterfeit money? And if she doesn't pay up, can you garnishee her breast implants?

If Only Sushi Could Talk

2009-10-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

A researcher in the Department of Psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara reports that when a dead salmon he bought at a local market was put in an fMRI scanner and shown a photographs of humans displaying different emotions, the scan indicated parts of the fish's brain lit up. Proof the fish was still thinking? Or does it show that even salmon have a sole? According to study leader Craig Bennett, who had previously scanned a pumpkin and a dead bird to no avail, it simply shows how easy it is to get misleading results from an MRI. Maybe they should try the experiment with Richard Heene, Balloon Boy's father, and see if they discover any brain activity there.

Get An Energy Lift AND A Facelift

2009-10-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

Sure, Starbucks has come out with Via, an instant coffee they say is revolutionary and worthy of carrying their logo, but can it make you look younger? Heck no, but a new version of Nescafe released in Singapore might. New Nescafe 3 in 1 includes coffee, skimmed milk, and 200 mg of collagen, the protein cosmetic surgeons use to remove facial wrinkles and puff up the lips. Can Botox Coke and Special K with Silicone be far behind?

Hello, This Is Your Pill Bottle Speaking

2009-10-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

A company in Massachusetts is putting out pill bottle caps that call to remind you to take your pills. You set the time you're supposed to take it, then if the bottle isn't opened, the cap and a night light start blinking. A few minutes later they play music. If that doesn't work, the built-in cell phone calls the company's computer, which calls or sends a text message. The big question is, What ring tone do you use for your pill bottle? Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit? Something from Alanis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill? Or Just Like a Pill by Pink?

Barbie, The Imperfect Woman

2009-10-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

In honor of Barbie's 50th birthday—she doesn't look a day over 25, does she?—French shoe designer Christian Louboutin is creating three special edition dolls that will wear mini versions of his shoes and come with little Louboutin shoe boxes. But sacre bleu! Louboutin says the curvaceous Barbie's ankles are fat. Too fat, in fact, to wear his shoes. So Mattel is doing a little, uh, plastic surgery on Barbie's legs for these dolls. Coming soon: Botox Barbie and Nip 'n Tuck Barbie.

Like A Mood Ring For Stock Brokers

2009-10-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

Ever sat around trying to decide whether to buy or sell a stock? If so, you need "The Rationalizer," a gadget created in the Netherlands by Philips Electronics and ABN Amro bank. You just put on their "EmoBracelet" and—voila!—you turn into a gloomy, whiny, suicidal singer. Just kidding. Actually it's a galvanic skin response sensor—think the finger part of a lie detector or Scientology E-Meter—that measures how much you're sweating, then sends a signal to an "EmoBowl" on your desk that glows yellow, orange, or red depending on how emotional you are. Supposedly it helps warn you when you're being too emotional to be rational about the stock trade, but since it can't tell positive from negative emotions, you might just be excited, not irrational. Think of it as an expensive Mood ring. Or another executive desk toy like the Newton's Cradle, those suspended metal balls that bounce side to side as they hit the others.

They Don't Call Her Princess Peach For Nothing

2009-10-11T05:52:00.000-07:00

A survey conducted by video game company Konami found that one out of five Japanese men polled were interested in pursuing love with a character in a video game. It also found that 40% of them thought this was a viable consideration. When asked to define reality, 64% of the respondents said they weren't sure but they expected to know once they reached Level 7, though they admitted they'd need to look up a game cheat to get there.

What Comes After A Gazillion Again?

2009-10-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

Dalton Chiscolm is upset at Bank of America because he says he got inconsistent information from a Spanish employee and that checks have been rejected because of incomplete routing numbers. So he did what any irate customer would do—he sued the bank for "1,784 billion, trillion dollars." To put that in perspective, it's 1 followed by 22 digits, more than the 2008 gross domestic product of the entire world, and even greater than the number of Late Show employees David Letterman's had sex with.

The Easy-Bake Shroud Of Turin

2009-10-07T14:23:00.000-07:00

For years people have debated whether the Shroud of Turin is really the cloth Jesus Christ was buried in or just a medieval fake. Now an Italian scientist says he can turn out one a week. Luigi Garlaschelli wrapped a specially woven cloth around one of his students, painted it with pigment, then baked it in the oven for a few hours and washed it. Voila! Instant Shroud. Although he's presenting his findings at a conference of the Italian Committee for the Investigation of Claims on the Paranormal this Saturday, the Create-a-Shroud kit won't be ready on time for holiday gift giving this year, though you'll still be able to give a Chia-sus Pet that grows long green hair and a beard.

Recession Is In The Wallet Of The Beholder

2009-10-06T10:19:00.000-07:00

The new Nieman Marcus Christmas catalog is out and even they realize we're in a recession. "Tokens of affection don't have to be extravagant," they say in the catalog's introduction, proven by the fact that more than 40% of the gifts listed cost less than $250. Thanks goodness! Of course there's still a limited-edition Jaguar for $105,000, a $73,000 motorcycle, and an environmentally-friendly chandelier made from 366 plastic bottles pulled from a landfill for only $12,000. As Kermit would sing today: It's not easy being green; neither is it cheap.

Feels Like The First Time. Feels Like The Very First Time.

2009-10-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

Egyptian lawmakers are calling for a ban on the importation of a Japanese-made kit that helps a woman fool her new husband into thinking she's a virgin. The Artificial Virginity Hymen from Gigimo costs $29 and expands to make you feel tight, then at the appropriate moment oozes a liquid that "look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable" explains the company's website. Since what's good for the goose is good for the gander, they'll soon be releasing a book for men called "How to Act Like You Have No Idea What You're Doing While Hiding your Untreated Chancres."

What Can It Be Now?

2009-10-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

When Kraft decided to put out a new, milder version of Vegemite in Australia by combining it with cream cheese, they thought they chose the perfect name from the 48,000 suggestions they'd received: iSnack 2.0. Not surprisingly, customers hated it, which was probably the idea. Not to mention that Men at Work's update of their song would sound silly as "He just smiled and gave me an iSnack 2.0 sandwich." So now Australians can vote online for their second favorite name, choosing from Vegemite Cheesybite, Creamymate, Smooth, Snackmate, Vegemate and Vegemild. Either way, it's still mostly yeast extract and cream cheese. Yum!

Like The Crib-Raider Calling The Pedophile A Pervert

2009-09-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

Over 138 people in the film industry have signed a petition protesting the arrest of Roman Polanski for skipping the country after his 1977 arrest for having sex with a 13-year-old girl. Among those signing the petition were Martin Scorsese, Pedro Almodovar, and Woody Allen. If the judge questions Allen's veracity, he can always ask his wife and adopted daughter Soon-Yi.

Go To Wisconsin? WTF!

2009-09-29T08:25:00.000-07:00

Since 1979 the Wisconsin Tourism Federation has gone by its initials, but recently they figured out that WTF has taken on a new meaning, and it's not one that inspires people to visit the Cheese State. So they changed their name. They're now officially the Tourism Federation of Wisconsin (TFW) which is much better. Well, except if you're dyslexic. They must be glad they didn't use the old initials on their license plates: "Wisconsin - WTF!"