Domestic Felicity

Becky continues writing her diary

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:21:00 +0000

The previous part here. Sorry for not updating for a while, but the draft isn't written in English so I need to translate and it takes time.

***

After dinner, we proceeded to the living room. I was strongly tempted to try and see just how wrinkled my skirt was at the back, but refrained from doing that. Aunt Anne served tea and cakes – Catherine made them two days ago, and they were still good. Everyone took their favorite place on the old sofa and armchairs.

- You know, Becky, - I jumped up, startled, when David addressed me, - when I first found out why you are going to live with us, I felt really sorry for you.

Oh no. Why does he have to bring this up now, in front of everyone? Even though his voice was very quiet, I was pretty sure Aunt Anne and Catherine are listening.

- Mom forbade us to tell you this, though, - he went on.

- I'm glad she did, - I nodded, - I don't want anyone to pity me. Around here, I'm treated just like one of you, and that's how it should be.

As soon as I said this, I felt just how true it is. As annoying as it can sometimes get around here, I didn't want to be singled out. Somehow, being treated just like Catherine made adjustment easier.

... Today, Aunt Anne felt better and even ventured into making strawberry jam early in the morning. It smelled delicious. When I went down to the kitchen, it felt as though I'm standing in the middle of a bountiful strawberry patch.

Naturally, Catherine was in the kitchen too, preparing to make pancakes for breakfast.

- Want me to lend you a hand, Cat? – I asked, surprising even myself, though not as much as Aunt Anne and Catherine, who both gave me startled looks. However, Catherine just smiled and handed me the pan. And imagine this, I spent an entire hour making pancakes while I could have been sleeping.

Later, while we were breakfasting and everyone piled up their plates with pancakes and fresh strawberry jam, Aunt Anne declared that today, as a special treat, school is called off. Her last words were drowned in exclamations of delight from Sam, Nat and Rachel. I, however, lowered my eyes and merely played with my food.

- What's the matter, Becky? – Asked Catherine, - Strawberry jam not to your taste?

- No, no, it's delicious, - I said quickly and started shoveling pancake into my mouth. A second later, I chocked, and after a coughing fit and lots of clapping on the back from Catherine, I gave up on eating anything else and just finished drinking my cup of coffee in total silence.

All of a sudden, I remembered that conversation with Catherine, when I first told her about Ted Pearson, the boyfriend I had back home. It might sound strange, but I really wished I hadn't said anything about it. Of course, I only touched the subject once, but I felt sure Catherine could remember it, because of how shocked she had been when I brought it up.

After the rain

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:21:00 +0000

We've had a couple of really rainy days here. I love the feeling of the first heavy rains of the year, spending my time holed up at home, watching out of the window as our plants are drinking their fill. When the sun came out again, everything was nice and washed up after the rain, and our garden truly came to life.
Plants have hit a growth spurt, and some funny creatures came out. I'm not sure what these are, bu when we have chickens, they will love to eat them, don't you think?
Yesterday and today, it's time to catch up on laundry, which has been put on hold during the rain (we don't have a dryer) and see my clothesline nice and full again.

Chickens

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:55:00 +0000

Dear friends,

It looks as though my husband and I are soon going to venture into raising chickens in our back yard. The chickens will be intended only for eggs and not for meat. Since we are real novices in this area, I thought I'd share some of our questions and concerns here, in the hope that some of you who are experienced in raising chickens can give us a bit of advice. We have already read through Rhonda's excellent guide for raising chickens, but there are still some questions left.

A little note about the climate in our area: it's generally pretty warm here in Israel, but some winter days it can be as low as 0 degrees Celsius and that must be taken into account.

Nests. How do we arrange nests for chickens and make sure they lay their eggs there and not all over the place? There is one guy in our area who has chickens, and every morning he combs his entire yard, collecting the eggs. We would like to avoid that if at all possible.

We would like to get our chickens as young as possible, but we want only hens. How old must the chicks be before you can tell the hens from the roosters?

How do we make sure we avoid salmonella?

Frugal feeding. Any tips? How should the chickens' diet change, and at which stage, as they approach laying age?

Which breeds are the most reasonable to have in your back yard? I mean taking everything into account - a reasonably large number of eggs (doesn't have to be too many, but preferably not too little), friendliness, ability to get along with each other and with children, neighbors and other animals.

Do chickens like to eat ants, and if yes, which breeds prefer ants and other insects? We have repeated infestations of ants all over our yard no matter what we do.

We haven't got a chicken coop yet, but our back yard is very small so we think we'll get something of about 120X60 cm (that's about 4X2 feet), which should house a small flock of about 3-4 birds. Do you think that should be enough? What about the height? Should 80 cm be enough? We intend to let them roam around the yard during the day.

Predators. We have plenty of foxes in our area; is there a way to guard the chickens from the foxes without having to lock them in the coop every night? Sounds tricky, I know. Or will we have to lock them in every time we go to sleep? My husband came up with the idea of perhaps lifting the coop up from the ground and installing ladders, or maybe placing something that will ward the foxes off but I'm not sure it can work.

What do we do if we need to be away for a few days?

Are there plants or any kinds of food that are harmful to the chickens and should be kept away from them?

I think that's about all for now. I might come up with more questions as we embark on our chicken adventure. Thanks in advance for sharing your experience!

Why should a breech baby mean an automatic c-section?

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:23:00 +0000

I feel very strongly something is wrong with this practice of automatic c-sections when the baby is breech. After all, merely a generation ago breech births were considered almost routine. I know many people who were born breech. I do realize there are more risks to a breech birth, but why does it automatically have to be a c-section?

I suspect that at least a part of it is because the doctors making the decision about the delivery are thinking short-term. They don't really know their patient, and they certainly won't have to meet her in a year or two, when the risks and complications from the (perhaps unnecessary) c-section present themselves when she is pregnant again. If this time she truly is in need of a c-section, performing two of those makes it highly unlikely for her to have a natural delivery in the future.

I think it's a point of grave concern that these days, as my doctor told me, young doctors are not even taught how to deliver breech births, and rely entirely on c-sections. This means short-changing women who could deliver a breech baby with no complications if only they were given a chance.

Read this article; it seems that in some countries, the medical community is starting to become more open-minded towards this issue. I hope Israel follows.

Also take a look at this article about a campaign to stop unnecessary inductions.

I'm bouncing away...

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:27:00 +0000

... to prepare the Shabbat goodies! It's such a lovely rainy day (the first in this season) and I've been seriously hit by the baking bug. This is apple cake, with reduced sugar and oil and one egg less.

A touch of loveliness

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:03:00 +0000

A lap rug I'm making, crocheted from combination of wool and mohair. Or it might be a throw blanket eventually, depending on my yarn supply. :o) Won't it make a nice winter gift?

There are always so many venues for lovely handmade things to try, and so little time. Sewing and embroidery, felting and doll-making, making soap and candles... I'm sure our Shira will be interested in at least some of these when she's a little older, and it will be so much fun to try our hand at it together!

A little glass teapot

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 03:50:00 +0000

Isn't it adorable? I think it's beautiful in its simplicity.
I think there's just something so wonderfully old-fashioned and homey about a teapot bubbling on the stove, brewing herbs from our garden. In my eyes, it symbolizes slowing down to have some quiet time together, and what's more precious than that? Since it's made entirely of glass it's possible to see the whole process, which adds interest for the children (though it's definitely necessary to watch out for little hands reaching for the teapot).

Filled with fresh herb tea, it's just perfect.

I love those little visitors

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:38:00 +0000

He was climbing up and down our (now all dried up) grape vine in such a graceful way. Isn't he cute?

Dating - a dangerous game

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 06:11:00 +0000

Click here to read another gem of an article about what happens when dating becomes a mere form of recreation, men and women are forced to sell themselves cheaply, and marriage turns into a rather dangerous gambling game.

In an age when relationships are cheapened, it becomes increasingly important to seek out, and be one of, those people who will look deep into your soul and cherish you for who you are. Who look for a spouse not as a source of convenience, efficient household keeping, or regular sex, but as a lifelong best friend and partner in all ways life may turn.

"There can be a kind of promiscuity without physical contact. It occurs wherever people "get to know" one another without coming to care for one another."

The increased availability of social contacts in the global village era, the easiness with which we now meet people, is contributing to increased pickiness.

In one of the latest Shabbat leaflets, I read the story of a woman in her late twenties, who was beautiful and successful and seeing man after man, unable to settle down. When the matchmaker asked her what, in her opinion, is wrong with the young man she had been lately introduced to, the young lady said, "he flaps his arms when talking!" Did he have good qualities, apart from the flapping arms? Oh yes, he was kind and responsible and caring, and she really loved his eyes... the matchmaker suggested she should just ignore his arms and focus on the rest, and within two weeks, they got engaged.

Very entertaining article about breastfeeding

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 11:27:00 +0000

Here is a link to the funniest breastfeeding article I have read in a long time. It talks about the experiences of a breastfeeding mother who had lived in Mongolia for a couple of years while she breastfed her son, and the different perceptions of breastfeeding in the Western culture vs. Mongolia.

Hat-tip to A Mother in Israel.

While I won't say I can relate to everything in this article - for example, I firmly maintain that when exposing a woman's breasts, other things should also be taken into account, apart from their functionality; and I have certainly never added my breastmilk to my morning coffee - I think this article will bring a smile upon a nursing mama's face. Personally, I giggled all the time while reading it.

Here are some funny quotes:

"If a woman's breasts are engorged and her baby is not at hand, she will simply go around and ask a family member, of any age or sex, if they'd like a drink. Often a woman will express a bowlful for her husband as a treat, or leave some in the fridge for anyone to help themselves."

"A western friend of mine who pumped breastmilk while at work and left the bottle in the company fridge one day found it half empty. She laughed. "Only in Mongolia would I suspect my colleagues of drinking my breastmilk!"

Warning: be careful if you choose to explore that blog further, contains some very anti-Jewish materials.

Is he a potential husband?

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 05:37:00 +0000

"A man has been pursuing me for the past few weeks but I am so uncertain about him. We have very similar values, particularly about keeping God at the center of everything in our lives (as such, I am firstly continuing to pray about this, but I know that God also desires that we seek to develop wisdom). He is wonderfully communicative about his feelings of respect and admiration toward me, his plans to be able to provide for a family within two or three years (we are in college, I am 21 and he is 26), and the mistakes he has made in his past - major financial mistakes, the "partying" scene, cigarette smoking addiction - that he left totally behind him several years ago when he reconnected strongly with his faith.

I think the sources of my uncertainty are partly due to his reservedness and seriousness in social groups, unproven financial capabilities, and worries about potential consequences of his past. I am, by nature and personality, slow to develop strong feelings about any man. However, I wonder that because I desire marriage and motherhood, I might accept a proposal and make a poor match. Adding to that is the problem that men with such values are terribly scarce where I live. While I'm not strongly attracted to him, I am certainly not repulsed either. I may be letting feelings of being "entitled" to a "perfect" man with a "perfect" past prevent me from taking him or a future suitor seriously. Of course, genuine love grows beyond whatever initial "good chemistry" a couple has, but I wonder how I can be wise about whether I am laying a good foundation for that long-term marital love."

First, very few people have a perfect past these days. Many of us (including myself) made mistakes in our youth, and while I understand some things might sound like a strong put-off (such as a history of addiction, gambling, disastrous relationships), it's entirely possible to make a fresh start, provided that the past was really left behind. Second, even if you meet someone with an unblemished history, it does not make any guarantees for the future. Each man should be viewed as an individual, and each situation should be addressed separately.

You wrote, "the sources of my uncertainty are partly due to his reservedness and seriousness in social groups"; however, keep in mind that most of your life together with your future husband will be not in a social group, but in your family circle. Your one-on-one interaction is far more important than how he behaves when there's company around. Perhaps he is reserved and shy when there are people around, but are the two of you able to have open communication? I think that is the key question here.

As to financial capabilities, I think a man in his twenties simply might not have had time to make his way financially just yet. He might not have much to offer right now in terms of a steady income and possibility to provide for a family, yet it doesn't mean he won't be a good provider in the future. If you haven't already, I suggest you read an old post of mine titled Marriage and Money, where I addressed the issue of being courted by someone who doesn't have a lot of money:

Instead of asking yourself, "how much does this man earn and will it be enough for both of us and the children too?", ask the following questions: is he hardworking and reliable? Is he steady, trustworthy, responsible, and careful in his financial decisions? Does he tend to spend a lot of money on nothings? And most importantly, does he see himself as the provider for his future wife and children, or does he expect his wife to pull an equal share of the financial burden, if not more?

You said you are slow to develop strong feelings, and I think this actually gives you an advantage, because it means you are not driven by the "chemistry", which can be misleading and plays a big part in the ridiculously high divorce rates today. I think it's normal not have a very high level of physical attraction towards a man who has been courting you for only a few weeks (as you describe). If, as you say, he is not repulsive to you, the level of attraction might grow as the courtship develops.

When I went on a first date with my husband, I did not feel terribly attracted to him, though I definitely thought he was good-looking. In fact I felt pretty neutral about him for our first few dates, and I knew it's normal, because we refrained from any physical contact (which plays a big part in starting or stopping the so-called "chemistry"). I didn't really fall in love with him until after we were married, and when it happened, it was based on things like mutual commitment, support, trust and respect.

Of course, I would never presume to tell you whether you should or should not marry this man - you obviously need to pray about it, and perhaps seek advice from more experienced people who know you (and ideally, him) better. But in my opinion, the potential is there, and the courtship can be given a chance.

Improved etrog jam

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 08:49:00 +0000

Remember I told you about my unsuccessful attempt at making etrog jam, which ended with candied fruit? Well, my husband and I refused to give up, and decided to give it another try.

We took our candied etrog, and boiled it again with some more water, a little bit of honey, cinnamon and grated orange peels. I'm not certain about the quantities as we didn't exactly take measurements, but we made sure the water covered the fruit this time. It smells and tastes heavenly!

In Jewish tradition, eating etrog jam or tasting and smelling of etrog is supposed to help women have an easy delivery. Last Sukkot, when I was pregnant with Shira, we kept our etrog for that purpose and intended to take it to hospital with us, but eventually forgot it at home. My sister-in-law also got me some etrog jam from Rebbetzin Kanievsky, but unfortunately, it was lost before I could ever taste it.

I ended up having a very smooth delivery even without an etrog, though *smile*. For now we'll just enjoy the jam. I'm not pregnant right now, and even if this blessed event happens soon, I doubt the jam will keep for many months!

House plants

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 09:30:00 +0000

My favorite way of brightening up the place!

Good food and simple living

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:34:00 +0000

I wonder, do you read Small Town Living? If you don't, I definitely recommend it. It's a neat bi-monthly online magazine, downloadable for free, with lots of great articles, tips and tutorials - pretty much everything about simple living, gardening and crafts. Some things that are published there are obviously less relevant to those of us who don't live in the United States, but I still glean a lot from it.

In the last issue, there was an article that struck a chord with me. It was a story written by a woman named Deborah Garner, who told about her journey from living mainly on junk food to a healthy vegan diet. Even if, like me, you have never been prone to overeating and have always been naturally lean, you will find her story deeply moving.

I believe that good, healthy, wholesome food, eaten in the right proportions and enjoyed around the family table, is one of the greatest pleasures in life. Do you remember that scene in Narnia, when the witch gives Edmund Turkish Delight, which makes him unable to enjoy good simple food? I often feel as though most modern food, preservative-laden, processed and packaged, has just the same function. It lacks warmth and personality, but when you get used to it it's difficult to go back to home-cooked meals.

Fortunately for me, I grew up in a family that put a great emphasis on home cooking and healthy eating, and even on fun extras such as baking and jam-making. Remember our etrog from a few posts ago? This year, I decided not to let it shrivel up. I collected the etrogim left over after Sukkot, and attempted to make jam out of them. Unfortunately I was not very successful at making jam, because it appears I should have added more liquid, but I did end up with some candied fruit my husband liked.

I could talk on and on about simple living and the part home-cooked food plays in it, but right now it's time to log off so I hope to continue another day. I wish you a most wonderful weekend.

Your friend,

Mrs. T

Our little crawler

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

Not long ago, after weeks of trial and error, Shira finally mastered the art of crawling; within a few short days, she made the transition to increased mobility and is now literally all over the place. Now we have to be extra careful and keep an eye on our love bug at all times, because despite having many lovely toys, for some reason she is more attracted to things like electric cables and house plants.

I love watching her grow. I know that no matter what happens, I will never regret the time spent at home with her, watching all those adorable firsts and rejoicing with every one. What can be more important in setting a foundation for future life and its relationship than those first few months and years of a child's life?

Not long ago, someone we know died, leaving a widow with two small children and another one on the way. He was young and healthy, and it was a sudden, unexpected tragedy. While I think he provided well enough for the family (cannot be sure, because I was not very close to them), his wife has quite a prestigious job of her own, but although you could look at it and think, "at least she has something to fall back on, it will be easy for her to support her children", it's also possible to look at it in another way: she could have spent more time with her family before, and now it will be harder for her to do, financially - even though this is a time when her children will need her the most. But of course nothing is impossible for God, and lives can be turned in a most unexpected way.

The time with our families is so precious. Lives are turbulent and unpredictable, circumstances change, we lose loved ones long before we think it's time to make amends and say goodbye. Therefore, every day is a gift, to be lived and enjoyed to the fullest.

At home, I have sweet little cheeks to kiss, and songs to sing, baths to give and discoveries to make with my most darling little one. Each day, I am blessed.

Modesty: a woman's crown

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 06:06:00 +0000

I don't spend much time reading blogs these days, but not long ago, I came across a great post by Bethany at The Apple Cider Mill. As always, Bethany writes from a thoroughly Christian perspective, and as I often do, even though I'm as Jewish as can be, I find myself nodding in agreement when reading her blog.

I'm a big proponent of modesty; as a matter of fact, realising the necessity of adopting modest dress and chaste behavior has served me as a jumping board into observing the laws of Orthodox Judaism, which completely changed my life - and I will be eternally grateful for that. I wear long skirts and cover my hair, I wouldn't show anything above my elbow or below my collarbone and I do so happily, but sometimes I feel we are too defined by our outward appearances.

Last Shabbat, I came across a leaflet that technically talked about the importance of what I already practice - full hair covering, particularly with head scarves, and modest dress in general. Supposedly I was meant to feel good about myself after reading it, but in fact I felt like wanting to dissociate myself as much as possible from the group of women who wrote that leaflet. Perhaps it was because they resorted to bashing women who cover their hair with wigs rather than head scarves or hats. Perhaps it was the implication that a woman's righteousness is gained by modesty alone, while omitting the merits of reaching out to others and sincere prayer. Perhaps it was their self-righteous tone in general. But in any case, I put away the leaflet shaking my head and thinking, "no - I am not one of them!"

Modesty does not need to be associated with martyrdom or being shut away from society. I've read books which actually claim that the righteous woman should leave the four walls of her home as little as possible, not even to participate in public prayer, and point to virtuous women who only left their house once in two weeks. Publishing and promoting such writings seems sinister and unhealthy to me. Shutting women out of society and spiritual life is not "modest", it's plain sick.

Modesty is not meant to be excessively restrictive, as to interfere with the normal course of life; modesty is not meant to make women feel ugly or dirty or sinful. Modesty is a woman's crown, and I believe the Almighty rejoices every time a woman chooses to cover her hair, but who are we to look at anyone disdainfully for not complying with certain standards?

When I'm in a group of other religious women, I often feel that my skirt, sleeves and hair covering are being mentally measured and evaluated the second I enter the room, and the next second I'm categorized and classified. I can't stand that. I think that if we believe in a certain type of modest dress, the best way to promote it is simply to wear it in a dignified and graceful way. A quiet, gentle, modest spirit can reach out so much further than a holier-than-thou attitude.

Modesty is closely interrelated with humility. I think that was what bothered me most about that leaflet I mentioned earlier. It implied that women who dress modestly should "teach" those who don't. While my skirts and sleeves might be longer than of many women I know, I don't feel this automatically makes me qualified to be their spiritual guide or mentor. The better path, I think, would be to just live a gentle, faith-centered life, without dwelling on what others are doing. I am endlessly far from perfect, after all. I am just learning along the way.

In our garden

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 06:18:00 +0000

I've always loved chameleons; shame this particular one would not turn so that we could get a better angle.
A nest in the brambles. I haven't seen the bird who had built it, but it sure looks snug!

... The Autumn holidays are over, and it's time to roll up the sleeves and get some good hard post-holiday work done. There's cleaning, and plenty of washing and mending, and using up or storing away all those leftovers that can be later stretched into a few good meals or lots of snacks.

There are winter clothes to sort and air out, and a sukkah to fold and store away until next year. There's clutter to get rid of, and baking to be done, and I mean to try and get to my crochet hook again after a long break, to finish an almost-completed project.

To put it simply, there's a lot to be busy with here at home, and that's just how I love it. Working with my hands and resting in spirit, knowing I am just where I'm meant to be.

We've had a great time

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 07:29:00 +0000

We had about twenty people around here yesterday, which, as you understand, is quite a lot for us when it's usually just the three of us here. I was a bit apprehensive at first about how so many people would fit into a little place like ours, but that's the good thing about Sukkot - when people come, they sit outside in the sukkah and you don't have to worry about your living room being not tidy or not roomy enough.

I spent most of the two days before cleaning and cooking. At the end of yesterday, I was tired but happy as everyone told me what a great time they had before leaving. You really don't need to do anything too fancy - good simple food and generous hospitality go a lot way.

Chocolate coconut cake batter, ready to be poured into the baking pan and popped into the oven.

Sukkot is nearly over, and it was a great holiday. Looking forward to Hanukkah!

A perfect etrog

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 10:00:00 +0000

The bigger etrog is from this year. The smaller is from last year. It was kept outside the refrigerator, yet to my amazement, it was perfectly preserved. It only dried up. I cannot think of any other fruit which could be kept without refrigeration without becoming moldy. It also smells wonderfully.

I hope all you Jews out there are having a very happy Sukkot. We are preparing to host quite a lot of people here in a couple of days, so I'd better get busy!

Moadim l'Simcha!

Amazing potatoes

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 22:48:00 +0000

Another amazing recipe from here (link in Hebrew). Photo credit to the original site - I took a picture too but I'm too tired to upload it right now.

Take 5-7 potatoes and slice them. You don't have to peel them. I like them with the peel.

Drizzle salt, pepper, spices, 3 tablespoons of chili sauce and 4 tablespoons of olive oil over the potatoes. Mix well.

In the original recipe it says to also mix the potatoes with 3 tablespoons of honey but I chose to omit that and it was really good.

Bake until soft. Enjoy.

Happy Sukkot

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 09:40:00 +0000

This weekend and next week we will be celebrating Sukkot. After two days of hard work, our sukkah is already set up in the yard and waiting, the only thing that is left is to decorate it. I love seeing all the sukkot springing up around the neighbourhood; it's so lovely to see families gathered in there, a little crowded but happy, eating festive meals and simply being together.

I hope all my Jewish readers and friends have a wonderful holiday.

Common breastfeeding mistakes, part 2

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 06:52:00 +0000

Click here to read part 1, with paragraphs 1-7

8. Underestimating the importance of a good, professional lactation consultant. If you need a lactation consultant, look for an IBCLC. Some "lactation consultants" actually do more harm than good with their misinformed and misleading advice.

9. Insecurity about the ability to produce enough milk, or milk of "good enough" quality. What nursing mother hasn't encountered the raised-eyebrows question, "and how can you be sure you have enough milk?"; there are few things to undermine one's confidence like this one. I have spoken to a mother who used to have a skinny baby - who has by now, several years later, turned into a skinny child. Which is now natural and normal. But back then, of course, "not having enough milk" was to blame.

10. Lack of support. A supportive husband, a community of women who successfully breastfe(e)d, La Leche League's hotline - all of those can increase the chance of a successful nursing relationship. I have always got wonderful support from my husband, who never complained about a messy house or lack of proper dinner on days when, it seemed, the baby had to be at my breast every waking moment. And on the flip side of the coin, it's so easy to become discouraged when you are a new mother, have no support, and hear the authoritative tone of someone who tells you "sometimes it just cannot be done".

11. Deciding to combine breast and bottles of formula so that "others can help too". It can very soon lead to a drop in milk supply and a switch to using formula entirely. There are plenty of other ways to help a new mother, other than feeding the baby, such as changing diapers, bathing, and entertaining the little one while Mommy gets some rest.

12. Difficulty to breastfeed in public. Not long ago, after my sister-in-law's wedding, we were away to spend Shabbat chatan with her new family. Our room was far away from where we went to pray or take our meals, so there was no way for me to retreat there during breaks to breastfeed. So I nursed just about wherever I could. I nursed in a dusty back room in a synagogue. I nursed on a bench in a deserted playground - which was alright during the evening, but during the day, I found myself crouched with a fussy baby in a tiny spot of shadow behind a bomb shelter, trying to nurse her while throwing nervous glances all around me to make sure no one is looking. I was feeling increasingly bitter about this forced exile while everyone were enjoying a leisurely meal in an air-conditioned room. Well, when I came back, I saw another mother (previously unnoticed by me) sitting on the floor right next to the table and nursing her baby with her entire breast hanging out. No one seemed to be paying her the slightest bit of attention. So I thought to myself, next time I might just pull a chair aside, throw a blanket over myself and the baby and get it over with. I'm a huge proponent of modesty, and obviously I don't think one should let it all hang out, but a nursing mother doesn't need to feel like an outcast.

13. Fear of nursing because the mother is ill. I have known mothers who have stopped breastfeeding because of a minor infection which took a few days to treat. Surely breastfeeding-compatible medicines could be found for that, or at least the mother could resume nursing after a few days, and in the meantime keep up her supply by pumping.

14. Wrong interpretation of the baby's signs. A fussy baby doesn't mean that the baby isn't getting enough milk, nor is a baby who nurses very often. Perhaps the baby wants to nurse just for comfort; and if the baby does need more milk, nursing as frequently as possible - not spacing feedings by using a bottle or pacifier - is the way to boost production.

15. Believing that there really isn't such a big difference between nursing and using formula. When things get rocky, how many mothers choose to quit simply because they haven't been informed about the important benefits of breastfeeding? Too many give up on breast milk too easily.

I think this is the time to say that I know there are also mothers who badly wanted to nurse their babies and truly couldn't, because of no fault of their own, whether it was a medical problem or lack of knowledge and support or a combination of all of the above. The purpose of my blog is not to put other mothers on the line of defence. I think we are all united in wanting the best for our children, and also in all of us being far from perfect.

Common breastfeeding mistakes

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 06:26:00 +0000

Not long ago, I had to face my first ever "are-you-still-breastfeeding" comment, followed by spooky stories about four-year-olds who refuse to wean and are causing daily embarrassment to their mothers. I understand that the longer I breastfeed, the more "haven't-you-weaned-yet" remarks I'm going to hear; and in honor of this event, I'm going to summarize (and add my comments to) a great article I've read (here's the link to the original, in Hebrew) which lists 15 common mistakes that might hamper breastfeeding.

1. Starting by saying "it's great if it works out, it's alright if it doesn't" – breastfeeding is far too important and can encounter far too many obstacles to start out with such an attitude. More often than not, it takes a great deal of commitment, patience and perseverance to succeed.

2. Getting advice from women who didn't breastfeed or had a bad breastfeeding experience. Whether to breastfeed or not is each woman's personal choice, but it really annoyed me when I was told by a certain mother, "you might not be able to breastfeed, I couldn't do it past three months, I didn't have milk" – and when questioned a bit, it turned out that this mother actually started heavily supplementing when her baby was only a month and a half old, because she couldn't find the time to breastfeed as often as the baby needed. I'm very sorry to hear of such a regretful breastfeeding experience of someone who obviously had no supportive environment, but why provide misleading information to another mother?

3. Thinking that if you hear something about breastfeeding from a doctor or a nurse, it's necessarily true. It isn't. Many medical professionals haven't got a clue about breastfeeding, and this subject certainly isn't covered extensively enough in medical schools. I've encountered this numerous times, and already wrote about it here and here.

4. "Let's give a bottle after breastfeeding and see if the baby is still hungry" and "let's pump and see if there is enough milk"; babies are born with a strong urge to suck, even when they are not hungry. Milk pumps can be awfully ineffective; I, personally, can never have letdown with a breast pump; if I need to pump, I can only do it effectively if my baby is nursing on the other breast. Breasts are not bottles and trying to measure them like bottles can be very misleading.

5. "Pain is a normal part of breastfeeding" – it is not! Pain indicates something is badly wrong, such as an incorrect latch, which can also cause lowered milk production. If you are in pain, get help.

6. "It isn't that important to nurse shortly after delivery". Nursing right after the baby is born, while the baby is usually alert and active, is far more important than some of the routine proceedings hospital staff insists to do right after the delivery.

7. Giving bottles (even with pumped milk) and pacifiers while the baby is very young. This can lead to the baby learning and strengthening feeding techniques which are alright with bottle-feeding, but are ineffective and/or painful when the baby is transitioned to the breast. For example, when the baby is bottle-fed, there is no need to open the mouth as wide as during breastfeeding, and there's no waiting until the letdown. The flow of milk is generally faster. Yes, sometimes there is no choice but to use bottles extensively, such as when the baby cannot nurse for a period of time and the mother is exclusively pumping, but when there's a choice, it's so much better to avoid artificial nipples.

I'll stop for now because this is getting a bit long. Coming soon: part 2 of Common Breastfeeding Mistakes.

We survived Yom Kippur

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 17:36:00 +0000

Surprisingly enough, this fast went well enough for me, compared to Tisha B'Av two months ago, which was a hellish experience of extreme weakness. This time, I felt well and was up on my feet right until the end of the fast, and I also had enough milk for Shira so that I only had to give one supplemental bottle of milk I pumped beforehand.

Answering to those who asked, no, I do not take any liquids during fasting, it was full 25 hours without food or liquids but as I said, it went fine. I can only explain this as a little miracle which is certainly not beyond God's capability of working in the lives of those faithful to His commandments.

We are still in the upswing of holidays, preparing to celebrate Sukkot this weekend, so I expect the next few days will be busy with preparations and setting up the sukkah. I have several posts I have started to draft and write, and hope to be back posting in full swing quite soon. I'm also busy, to my immense satisfaction, with other writing projects.

In the meantime, thank you for all your kind, thoughtful notes and your prayers on our behalf. Those who emailed me and got no reply yet - I hope to send you answers as soon as I have a spare moment.

And for the time being, I'm off.

Mrs. T

Yom Kippur coming soon

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 04:25:00 +0000

I'm not sure I will be able to write before Yom Kippur, so I thought I'd just drop by to wish all Beit Yisrael Gmar Chatimah Tovah - May you be inscribed in the Book of Life for Good! I hope you all have an easy, spiritually profitable Yom Kippur.

As you can imagine, I'm a bit apprehensive about the fast, given that I'm still breastfeeding a lot (even though Shira likes her solids and gradually eats more and more) and remembering how difficult it was for me on Tisha B'Av. But I'm sure it will go well, with no long-lasting consequences.

And now I'm off to continue preparing for Shabbat!