Domestic Felicity

Seasons of life with no children at home

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:05:00 +0000

Two interesting questions were raised in response to this post, and to do them justice, I decided to write about them in a post of its own. Both are about two sides of the same coin: what is expected of a woman when there are no young children in her charge? Is tending to the hearth and home sufficient to keep a woman productively employed at every stage of her life?

Here is the first question:

"Do you think it is best for a father to support his unmarried daughter, if it is within his means to do so?"

Saying that a father should support his daughter implies that the daughter would be a burden; I would rather say that the daughter should remain under her father's roof and protection until she is married, all the while taking care to remain productive and use her time wisely. There are many things one can do during the single years, many skills to learn and master. I can attest for myself that there are things I learned while single, which I wouldn't have had the time and energy to learn if I delayed them until I got married.

I understand, of course, that in this age of ours not every young woman can remain under her parents' roof until she is married. Some, like me, grew up fatherless; other come from unhealthy family situations. But whatever the young woman's situation in life is, she can prepare for a vocation of wifehood by choosing a path that would at least make her ready to start a family when there is a chance. Even if she has to work to support herself, it doesn't mean she has to dive into a path of a five-year degree and a job with crazy hours that would leave her drained and exhausted.

Young women are encouraged to invest in their careers before they start families; even those who explicitly say what they want most in the world is to be wives and mothers, are often pressured to enter a path of studies and career that would leave them in debt, exhausted, and would teach them nothing about running a home, being a good wife and taking care of children. The reasoning given is that they "should do it why they can".

Personally, I think it's awfully short-sighted - if a young woman plans to dedicate her life to being a wife and mother at home, why on earth would she invest precious years and lots of money and energy in doing something that would be entirely incompatible with wifehood and motherhood?

Here is the second question:

"My husband retired in Sept., and the day after, he was hired to work at the only place he ever wanted to work after retirement. Due to our thriftiness, and having no debt but our home, we are able to make it. On the other hand, I am a nurse, and am thinking about going back to work part-time so our savings doesn't go down, and as a "cushion" (my husband's income has gone down considerably). One daughter is in college (living at home), and the other I am homeschooling (she is in her last year). My husband wouldn't mind if I went back to work, but has not pressed the issue. What do you and your readers think? Should we stay home forever? I have lots to keep my busy here: gardening, cooking from scratch (my husband is on a special diet), just living a frugal lifestyle takes time." - Mrs. G

As a young mother, I expect I am still many years, perhaps decades away from the time I will become an empty-nester. I have, however, thought about that time in a woman's life. Before marriage and children, we are inexperienced, and have a lot to learn about keeping and managing a home; when children are grown, we are generally wiser and have much more valuable skills, and our homes are most likely running on a smooth routine, and much time is freed up for things we were too busy for in the hectic years of raising a bunch of little ones.

I think the years after the children have left can be a wonderful time for a woman to extend her creativity now that she has more time. A most wonderful example is Rhonda from the "Down to Earth" blog; Rhonda and her husband are a retired couple and their children no longer live with them, but Rhonda fills up her time with so many wonderful, productive ways. She gardens and cooks from scratch, sews and knits and works in the garden, keeps chickens, makes soap and writes. While I don't believe in copying anyone's life, I think that in a way, I want to be like this when I no longer have children at home: young in spirit, busy, productive, with more time on my hands to try things I have always wanted to try, and the doors of my home always open to children and grandchildren who come to visit.

I think that after half a lifetime of bearing and raising children, a woman should ideally experience a gentler, slower pace to her days, while still being there for her family. It doesn't mean she would be idle. Like Mrs. G said, there is always plenty to do at home, especially if you have a garden and cook from scratch. It's an awful shame, in my opinion, that older women, instead of having the freedom to enjoy their time at home, are once more facing the pressure to enter the working world, perhaps to compete with younger people for jobs. I think about my own grandmother and how important it was to me that she was always there while I was growing up, a solid presence. What a waste it would be if grandmothers are no longer waiting with open arms and hearts.

Of course, when a woman's children are grown, she may find more time for pursuits outside the home, if her husband approves. She may do volunteer work, or expand some of her skills in a way that would serve others as well as her own family. If these skills bring some income, I don't see anything wrong with it per se. I just don't think an older woman should be pressured to enter the rat race instead of tending to the hearth and home.

When husbands lose their jobs

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 09:12:00 +0000

Read this article, which talks about what happens when a husband loses his job and finds himself supported by his wife.

It won't come as a surprise to my regular readers to know I fully support the so-called "traditional" roles of man and wife. Tradition, of course, is the less important part in this; traditions might change, while God's plan for us never does, and He was the one to command Adam to work in the sweat of his brow, and Eve to bear children. So of course it's natural for the woman to take care of the nest and the family.

But of course, we all know things might not go according to our initial plan. Husbands may fall ill, lose their jobs, strike up a bad financial bargain, or all of the above. A woman who married someone financially stable might feel it's unfair if the situation changes unexpectedly, though certainly, no one can guarantee it won't happen.

I firmly believe this role reversal, when the wife becomes the main breadwinner, is not really a solution; it's unhealthy. Men were not made to be cooped up inside the house and women were not made to be far from their homes and families. It's easy to feel desperate when a "traditional" family is suddenly thrust into such a situation.

Here we have another example at how feminism did a huge disservice to women. In the past, if a family was going through a financial crisis, the wife was expected to be frugal, and perhaps do some work temporarily, preferably from home. Now, we are expected to jump into a "career", as if that will be a solution to all our problems, as if there aren't enough couples with two incomes who are up to their ears in debt because they don't know how to handle their finances wisely.

I take issue, however, with some attitudes expressed in that article I linked to. Like, for example, losing respect for a husband who lost his job. Many men lose their jobs through no fault of their own; they are likely to sink into depression as it is, when unemployment lasts for a while. The last thing that would encourage and motivate them would be vibes of disrespect and scorn coming from their wives. It becomes an evil circle: a man is unemployed, his wife treats him like a useless loser, and he feels like one, which prevents him to take off again in the working world.

It's easy to become frustrated and tell an unemployed husband, "you've failed your part, I'm going out there to do your job because you're inadequate." But wouldn't it be wiser to trust God and trust this husband he gave you, and tell him you know he is doing his best? Wouldn't it be wiser to support and motivate him, and tell him you fully trust his abilities, and perhaps help him look for a job, and motivate him to take advantage of his time of unemployment to learn useful skills? I truly believe it would pay off in the long run.

I understand, of course, that there are also situations when the wife is as supportive and encouraging as can be and it doesn't help. We don't live in a perfect world and some men are lazy and irresponsible. But I honestly believe that most men want to take care of their families and be good husbands and fathers.

As you know I'm not speaking only theoretically. My husband is currently looking for a job, and some tell me I should invest in my career instead, such as, for example, go ahead and start studying for a Master's degree. I do believe this attitude is not only short-sighted, it would convey that I secretly believe I can do my husband's job better than he could. And in the long run, I think I would pay for it dearly, especially when more children (God willing) come along and I'm stuck with a "career" I can't realistically handle.

David prepares to leave

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 07:15:00 +0000

Read previous part here.

Two weeks passed as though in a dream. On the outside, everything went on as usual – we took long walks outside when the weather permitted. I carried on with my painting, Catherine with her needlework. By the end of the vacation, I completed portraits of all the little ones, while Catherine had made her first batch of baby things – sweaters, booties, hats and even a blanket.

Aunt Anne started looking at me with an oddly approving way ever since I volunteered to take some ironing off her hands. Don't get me wrong, I didn't suddenly begin to like ironing or something. But Aunt Anne is not feeling her best, that's obvious – and there's a limit to what Catherine can do on her own.

A day before he was to depart, David told us he is sorry to leave so soon.

David, Catherine and I were sitting downstairs next to the fireplace. After a long, full day, Rachel fell asleep in Catherine's lap, and Catherine was gently rocking her while we talked in quiet voices. It was very quiet – the boys were busy doing a puzzle at the opposite corner of the room.

"It must be really interesting in college, isn't it?" I asked.

"Yes," he nodded, "but it's different, all different. The people aren't the same – I'm not the same, Becky. Home is here. " he looked around, his stare tenderly lingering on Rachel's sleeping face, "I'm not even sure how to explain this, but here I feel so real. Now that I've been away for several months, I understand that our parents have always worked on creating a place where each one of us would feel loved and accepted, while being nothing more or less than himself or herself. When I have a home of my own, someday, I would like to give my children a childhood similar to what we had with Mom and Dad. They are extraordinary people."

Extraordinary people. Well, when I first arrived here, it sure seemed extraordinary to me to have no TV and dress in long skirts, not to mention all the other weird religious rituals kept in this house. I felt stifled. But now I sensed that Aunt Anne and Uncle Ben are, indeed, not only weird beyond weird – there's something more about them, even though they can be a pain in the neck. However annoying they might be, I feel welcomed and cared for with them. And in a way, as much as it pained me to admit this, looking at them made me think they are more like what parents should be than my own Mom and Dad ever were.

Our conversation was interrupted by Aunt Anne, who entered the room to remind David to email her and Uncle Ben at least once a week, which David promised he would do.

Priorities

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:15:00 +0000

At this season of my life, I'm so occupied by my duties at home - both mentally and physically - that I often become overwhelmed by a pull in different directions. There are, after all, so many books I would like to read; so much writing I would like to do, while I only snatch a moment here and there; so many great blogs I would love to keep up with; so many friends I haven't called in ages. There are so many emails waiting in my inbox, and ungraciously, I am forced to let them sit for weeks.

I'm not saying I don't have any time to do any of those things. I do, after all, read, and write, and talk to my friends. But the time is so very, very limited, and more than ever, I must be cautious not to be sucked into things that might pull me away from what I should really be doing.

Sometimes I feel so burnt out that I can actually sense my mind going numb, to the point when it's hard to keep up with any intellectually challenging reading, or even with the news. I would define this as emotional and intellectual indigestion. Sometimes I wish I had more time for myself, more organized days, more control over my time. But, as I remind myself when it gets tough, I was not sent here to have more time for myself or to have the perfect schedule. I am here to love and serve the people that the Almighty put under my care.

So, the biggest sanity-saver is defining my priorities while going on a "fast" of time-wasters. Not having a TV is a great help, but the internet can steal just as much of your time. I do love to check in on my favorite blogs and websites, but if I sit down to do that (and it doesn't happen every day), I try to limit myself to no more than five blogs or websites per day. I wrote about it extensively in a former post on preventing blogging from taking over your life.

Same goes to talking on the phone and visiting with friends. Around here, I can't get out without stopping to greet at least three neighbors, and most likely to share a few minutes of friendly chat. Personally I'm not a type to schmooze all day long, but I do love a friendly, refreshing conversation. If I'm talking on the phone, I can usually do other things around the house in the meantime, so I don't regard this as a waste of time at all, even in the midst of a busy day.

On the upside, not having that much time for myself means I appreciate more the time I do have. If I read a book or an article on the internet, it will be a really good one. If I'm meeting a friend, it's like a small celebration. If I chance to spend half an hour on the couch curled up with some handcraft, I truly savor every moment.

Sometimes, however, there is no choice but to go on an information/activity diet, and focus on just what's important, if we don't want the order in our homes to go to ruin. Take a deep breath and be patient, and remember - for every thing there is a season.

A bit more about looking nice at home

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 11:53:00 +0000

In response to yesterday's discussion about looking presentable at home, I would like to thank you all for contributing your opinion and sharing your experience. I hadn't realized there is actually a trend of going out in pajamas and slippers, I took it for granted that people get dressed when they go out, but apparently this isn't true everywhere.

I invite you to check out a new addition to my list of modest clothing websites - KosherCasual. Their clothes for girls and women represent just what I think home wear should look like - they are modest and wouldn't make you blush if there are unexpected visitors at the door, yet they also look very comfy. Their prices are not bad either.

Personally I have never ordered clothes via the internet, because I like to see and feel what I'm buying and I'm blessed to live in Israel where we have no lack of modest clothes stores, but if I lived elsewhere, where modest and comfortable clothes are hard to come by (and several ladies who wrote to me complained of just that), I think I would consider ordering from KosherCasual.

You can also check out the KosherCasual blog.

Being presentable at home

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 10:02:00 +0000

I sometimes wonder how it happens that we wives and mothers often appear in the least attractive form to the people who love us the most, and who matter to us the most: our husbands and children.

I understand, of course, that home is a place to relax and feel comfortable, and I'm not talking about prancing around in high heels around the clock. I also understand the demands on the time of a busy mother, which often make us unable to wear make-up, groom our nails, or invest in other small details of caring for our appearance.

However, when we go out, even if it's just a quick trip to the grocery store, we don't wear pajamas, no matter how busy we are. We comb our hair (or at least I used to, before I got married and started wearing head scarves!). We might dress casually, but we still make ourselves presentable enough so we won't blush when we meet a neighbor along the way. This, I think, is a minimal reasonable level of decent appearance we ought to maintain at home as well, for the sake of our loved ones.

If your husband works outside the home, most likely he meets young, attractively dressed women every hour of every day. Even if he is the perfect family man, he can't help but notice the contrast when he comes home.

I wrote about this topic before, when I was still single. I must say dressing decently at home was easier while I didn't have an energetic little one to keep me on my toes, but still, my opinion remains largely the same.

I'm not always dressed up at home, but I do make a point to appear at my best at home in front of my husband, and not just when we go out. If I only dressed nicely for other people, what sort of message would my husband get?

In the long run, fueling a husband's attraction will be much more important to a woman's happiness than what other people think of her. I think our efforts should be distributed accordingly.

Images from the beginning of winter

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 06:59:00 +0000

It is the beginning of winter, even if it doesn't feel like it, with all the warm sunshine we've been getting lately. The mountains are preparing to welcome the rain.
Pine cones on the ground.

Cyclamens preparing to blossom.
Braided challah straight out of the oven.

The makings of a Shabbat

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 05:32:00 +0000

Pita bread looks good, doesn't it? Challah is more traditional, but pita goes better with the salads I normally serve at the beginning of the meal. But whatever we choose to make, my husband is quite the baker.

There are so many things to do it makes me feel slightly disoriented. Cooking and cleaning and ironing... fortunately, I have my to-do list to keep me on track.

A bit about observing Shabbat

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 09:27:00 +0000

I get many questions via email about Shabbat observance in our home, so I thought I would write a bit about it here.

The matters of Shabbat are so multiple and there is no way I will be able to discuss them all right now, so I'll just start by saying that the purpose of Shabbat is, of course, rest, though non-Jews are not expected or supposed to observe Shabbat in the same way Jews do.

For us, the types of work forbidden on the day of Shabbat are explicitly described so there is no problem defining what isn't supposed to be done. A general rule is not doing creative work (which would include painting as well as cooking) and not preparing for the upcoming week, which means that we don't sit around on Shabbat talking about what we are going to do tomorrow. This allows us to recharge mentally.

Naturally, there is still "work" to be done, such as serving meals and clearing up the table later, not to mention there's a baby to take care of, diapers to change, and dishes to wash.

Speaking of dishes, I wash mine. I simply don't have enough plates, cutlery, glasses and serving dishes to last me through the three Shabbat meals without washing up. So I wash what I need for Shabbat itself - I try to wash up the pots before Shabbat, but if I'm stuck with dirty pots, they wait until the Shabbat ends, because I wouldn't need them during Shabbat. I know families who simply let it all (dishes, glasses, etc) sit in the sink until the end of Shabbat. I don't do any wash up between the third meal and the end of Shabbat, because that's a period of time when we don't eat.

We heat our meals by using a Shabbat hot plate. A Shabbat hot plate is a simple device to keep food hot, but not hot enough to cook the food (as opposed to leaving the food on the stove). It turns on according to a pre-set clock so we have time to heat the food before meals. While I was single I didn't have a hot plate so I just ate cold food on Shabbat.

Other details of Shabbat: bathing the baby

Theoretically, I would be allowed to bathe the baby, but there's a problem with heating water on Shabbat, so I bathe her on Friday afternoon, and then her next bath is Saturday night.

Brushing our hair:

Brushing one's hair is forbidden on the day of Shabbat because hairs might get pulled out, but we can smooth out hair using one's hand. By the way we never had to brush Shira's hair yet, because it's so sleek.

Training children in Shabbat observance:

We always have Shira at the table with us during kiddush and meal times, and if she happens to touch something that we don't touch on Shabbat (like an electric appliance, a pencil, etc) we tell her "no. It's Shabbat!" - she will understand eventually.

Tending to animals:

Generally, there is no problem tending to the animals - your animals, just like your family members, need to eat, after all! And if you have a dog it must be taken out for a walk, Shabbat or no Shabbat.

I think it's very important that other family members pitch in with Shabbat chores (serving meals, clearing up) as well. I've been saddened to see families where people sit leisurely around the table, while the mother spends the entire meal dashing every minute to get this or that for one of the children, her husband, or the several guests that were invited. There is also the mad race from Friday morning till afternoon (you Jewish wives surely understand what I'm talking about!). Shabbat is supposed to be entered peacefully, not in a state of collapse from exhaustion.

The mad chase after degrees

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 09:47:00 +0000

It seems that today, hardly any people don't have a degree in something, which causes employers to be increasingly picky about people who don't have degrees, even if the job in question doesn't really require studies of three or four years. I used to work as a secretary when I was fresh out of high school, but now, most secretaries are required to have a degree, even though in my opinion it's completely unnecessary.

My husband is currently hunting for a job, and many places won't even interview him because he hasn't completed his degree yet. Those who do interview him, however, are deeply impressed by his level of both theoretical knowledge and practical skills. It's really frustrating that a piece of paper should stand in the way when everything else fits right in.

Not long ago, I was asked to provide daycare for a one-month-old baby. It didn't work out eventually and I'm glad it didn't, because it would have broken my heart to see this little one left with me every day, instead of being with his mother where he belongs. I refrained from judging, of course, because who knows what desperate circumstances might force a new mother outside the home so soon after her baby was born. I soon found out, however, that she was about to begin studying for a Master's degree - hardly an emergency. I remained speechless for several minutes after I heard this. This young woman, only 22 years old, now leaves both her babies in daycare every day before catching a ride to university. Again, who am I to judge another person's choices? Yet I can't help but wonder whether she will regret it in, say, ten years.

As you know, I have a degree in nutrition. While what I learned was interesting and useful, I don't think the degree would have been worth the sacrifice if I had to accumulate debt or postpone starting a family because of it. Thankfully, I didn't have to do any such thing, as I received a scholarship and continued to live at home. But now, practically, if I chose to work outside the home I wouldn't be able to afford a nanny. My friends from university work at jobs with the most pitiful salaries, which might be alright for them now as they don't have children yet, but I'm sure that as the years go by, choices will become increasingly painful and complicated. Four years of excruciating effort, and there is hardly any way they will earn more than the cleaning lady.

A young woman I know recently started a two-year study program which will give her a professional license. She was almost ashamed to admit that what she is doing isn't a degree. Yet what she is doing is much more sensible, in my eyes, if she plans to settle down anytime soon.

I'm not trying to bring across that degrees are useless. I'm just questioning their need for any and everyone. Now, it seems that even having a bachelor's degree isn't enough - more and more people are doing their masters', which means more years of much effort and little income. I do believe there is a place for a reform, for reasonable evaluation whether the job (or person) in question really requires a degree or not.

Becky continues writing her diary

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:21:00 +0000

The previous part here. Sorry for not updating for a while, but the draft isn't written in English so I need to translate and it takes time.

***

After dinner, we proceeded to the living room. I was strongly tempted to try and see just how wrinkled my skirt was at the back, but refrained from doing that. Aunt Anne served tea and cakes – Catherine made them two days ago, and they were still good. Everyone took their favorite place on the old sofa and armchairs.

- You know, Becky, - I jumped up, startled, when David addressed me, - when I first found out why you are going to live with us, I felt really sorry for you.

Oh no. Why does he have to bring this up now, in front of everyone? Even though his voice was very quiet, I was pretty sure Aunt Anne and Catherine are listening.

- Mom forbade us to tell you this, though, - he went on.

- I'm glad she did, - I nodded, - I don't want anyone to pity me. Around here, I'm treated just like one of you, and that's how it should be.

As soon as I said this, I felt just how true it is. As annoying as it can sometimes get around here, I didn't want to be singled out. Somehow, being treated just like Catherine made adjustment easier.

... Today, Aunt Anne felt better and even ventured into making strawberry jam early in the morning. It smelled delicious. When I went down to the kitchen, it felt as though I'm standing in the middle of a bountiful strawberry patch.

Naturally, Catherine was in the kitchen too, preparing to make pancakes for breakfast.

- Want me to lend you a hand, Cat? – I asked, surprising even myself, though not as much as Aunt Anne and Catherine, who both gave me startled looks. However, Catherine just smiled and handed me the pan. And imagine this, I spent an entire hour making pancakes while I could have been sleeping.

Later, while we were breakfasting and everyone piled up their plates with pancakes and fresh strawberry jam, Aunt Anne declared that today, as a special treat, school is called off. Her last words were drowned in exclamations of delight from Sam, Nat and Rachel. I, however, lowered my eyes and merely played with my food.

- What's the matter, Becky? – Asked Catherine, - Strawberry jam not to your taste?

- No, no, it's delicious, - I said quickly and started shoveling pancake into my mouth. A second later, I chocked, and after a coughing fit and lots of clapping on the back from Catherine, I gave up on eating anything else and just finished drinking my cup of coffee in total silence.

All of a sudden, I remembered that conversation with Catherine, when I first told her about Ted Pearson, the boyfriend I had back home. It might sound strange, but I really wished I hadn't said anything about it. Of course, I only touched the subject once, but I felt sure Catherine could remember it, because of how shocked she had been when I brought it up.

After the rain

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:21:00 +0000

We've had a couple of really rainy days here. I love the feeling of the first heavy rains of the year, spending my time holed up at home, watching out of the window as our plants are drinking their fill. When the sun came out again, everything was nice and washed up after the rain, and our garden truly came to life.
Plants have hit a growth spurt, and some funny creatures came out. I'm not sure what these are, bu when we have chickens, they will love to eat them, don't you think?
Yesterday and today, it's time to catch up on laundry, which has been put on hold during the rain (we don't have a dryer) and see my clothesline nice and full again.

Chickens

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:55:00 +0000

Dear friends,

It looks as though my husband and I are soon going to venture into raising chickens in our back yard. The chickens will be intended only for eggs and not for meat. Since we are real novices in this area, I thought I'd share some of our questions and concerns here, in the hope that some of you who are experienced in raising chickens can give us a bit of advice. We have already read through Rhonda's excellent guide for raising chickens, but there are still some questions left.

A little note about the climate in our area: it's generally pretty warm here in Israel, but some winter days it can be as low as 0 degrees Celsius and that must be taken into account.

Nests. How do we arrange nests for chickens and make sure they lay their eggs there and not all over the place? There is one guy in our area who has chickens, and every morning he combs his entire yard, collecting the eggs. We would like to avoid that if at all possible.

We would like to get our chickens as young as possible, but we want only hens. How old must the chicks be before you can tell the hens from the roosters?

How do we make sure we avoid salmonella?

Frugal feeding. Any tips? How should the chickens' diet change, and at which stage, as they approach laying age?

Which breeds are the most reasonable to have in your back yard? I mean taking everything into account - a reasonably large number of eggs (doesn't have to be too many, but preferably not too little), friendliness, ability to get along with each other and with children, neighbors and other animals.

Do chickens like to eat ants, and if yes, which breeds prefer ants and other insects? We have repeated infestations of ants all over our yard no matter what we do.

We haven't got a chicken coop yet, but our back yard is very small so we think we'll get something of about 120X60 cm (that's about 4X2 feet), which should house a small flock of about 3-4 birds. Do you think that should be enough? What about the height? Should 80 cm be enough? We intend to let them roam around the yard during the day.

Predators. We have plenty of foxes in our area; is there a way to guard the chickens from the foxes without having to lock them in the coop every night? Sounds tricky, I know. Or will we have to lock them in every time we go to sleep? My husband came up with the idea of perhaps lifting the coop up from the ground and installing ladders, or maybe placing something that will ward the foxes off but I'm not sure it can work.

What do we do if we need to be away for a few days?

Are there plants or any kinds of food that are harmful to the chickens and should be kept away from them?

I think that's about all for now. I might come up with more questions as we embark on our chicken adventure. Thanks in advance for sharing your experience!

Why should a breech baby mean an automatic c-section?

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:23:00 +0000

I feel very strongly something is wrong with this practice of automatic c-sections when the baby is breech. After all, merely a generation ago breech births were considered almost routine. I know many people who were born breech. I do realize there are more risks to a breech birth, but why does it automatically have to be a c-section?

I suspect that at least a part of it is because the doctors making the decision about the delivery are thinking short-term. They don't really know their patient, and they certainly won't have to meet her in a year or two, when the risks and complications from the (perhaps unnecessary) c-section present themselves when she is pregnant again. If this time she truly is in need of a c-section, performing two of those makes it highly unlikely for her to have a natural delivery in the future.

I think it's a point of grave concern that these days, as my doctor told me, young doctors are not even taught how to deliver breech births, and rely entirely on c-sections. This means short-changing women who could deliver a breech baby with no complications if only they were given a chance.

Read this article; it seems that in some countries, the medical community is starting to become more open-minded towards this issue. I hope Israel follows.

Also take a look at this article about a campaign to stop unnecessary inductions.

I'm bouncing away...

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:27:00 +0000

... to prepare the Shabbat goodies! It's such a lovely rainy day (the first in this season) and I've been seriously hit by the baking bug. This is apple cake, with reduced sugar and oil and one egg less.

A touch of loveliness

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:03:00 +0000

A lap rug I'm making, crocheted from combination of wool and mohair. Or it might be a throw blanket eventually, depending on my yarn supply. :o) Won't it make a nice winter gift?

There are always so many venues for lovely handmade things to try, and so little time. Sewing and embroidery, felting and doll-making, making soap and candles... I'm sure our Shira will be interested in at least some of these when she's a little older, and it will be so much fun to try our hand at it together!

A little glass teapot

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 03:50:00 +0000

Isn't it adorable? I think it's beautiful in its simplicity.
I think there's just something so wonderfully old-fashioned and homey about a teapot bubbling on the stove, brewing herbs from our garden. In my eyes, it symbolizes slowing down to have some quiet time together, and what's more precious than that? Since it's made entirely of glass it's possible to see the whole process, which adds interest for the children (though it's definitely necessary to watch out for little hands reaching for the teapot).

Filled with fresh herb tea, it's just perfect.

I love those little visitors

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:38:00 +0000

He was climbing up and down our (now all dried up) grape vine in such a graceful way. Isn't he cute?

Dating - a dangerous game

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 06:11:00 +0000

Click here to read another gem of an article about what happens when dating becomes a mere form of recreation, men and women are forced to sell themselves cheaply, and marriage turns into a rather dangerous gambling game.

In an age when relationships are cheapened, it becomes increasingly important to seek out, and be one of, those people who will look deep into your soul and cherish you for who you are. Who look for a spouse not as a source of convenience, efficient household keeping, or regular sex, but as a lifelong best friend and partner in all ways life may turn.

"There can be a kind of promiscuity without physical contact. It occurs wherever people "get to know" one another without coming to care for one another."

The increased availability of social contacts in the global village era, the easiness with which we now meet people, is contributing to increased pickiness.

In one of the latest Shabbat leaflets, I read the story of a woman in her late twenties, who was beautiful and successful and seeing man after man, unable to settle down. When the matchmaker asked her what, in her opinion, is wrong with the young man she had been lately introduced to, the young lady said, "he flaps his arms when talking!" Did he have good qualities, apart from the flapping arms? Oh yes, he was kind and responsible and caring, and she really loved his eyes... the matchmaker suggested she should just ignore his arms and focus on the rest, and within two weeks, they got engaged.

Very entertaining article about breastfeeding

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 11:27:00 +0000

Here is a link to the funniest breastfeeding article I have read in a long time. It talks about the experiences of a breastfeeding mother who had lived in Mongolia for a couple of years while she breastfed her son, and the different perceptions of breastfeeding in the Western culture vs. Mongolia.

Hat-tip to A Mother in Israel.

While I won't say I can relate to everything in this article - for example, I firmly maintain that when exposing a woman's breasts, other things should also be taken into account, apart from their functionality; and I have certainly never added my breastmilk to my morning coffee - I think this article will bring a smile upon a nursing mama's face. Personally, I giggled all the time while reading it.

Here are some funny quotes:

"If a woman's breasts are engorged and her baby is not at hand, she will simply go around and ask a family member, of any age or sex, if they'd like a drink. Often a woman will express a bowlful for her husband as a treat, or leave some in the fridge for anyone to help themselves."

"A western friend of mine who pumped breastmilk while at work and left the bottle in the company fridge one day found it half empty. She laughed. "Only in Mongolia would I suspect my colleagues of drinking my breastmilk!"

Warning: be careful if you choose to explore that blog further, contains some very anti-Jewish materials.

Is he a potential husband?

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 05:37:00 +0000

"A man has been pursuing me for the past few weeks but I am so uncertain about him. We have very similar values, particularly about keeping God at the center of everything in our lives (as such, I am firstly continuing to pray about this, but I know that God also desires that we seek to develop wisdom). He is wonderfully communicative about his feelings of respect and admiration toward me, his plans to be able to provide for a family within two or three years (we are in college, I am 21 and he is 26), and the mistakes he has made in his past - major financial mistakes, the "partying" scene, cigarette smoking addiction - that he left totally behind him several years ago when he reconnected strongly with his faith.

I think the sources of my uncertainty are partly due to his reservedness and seriousness in social groups, unproven financial capabilities, and worries about potential consequences of his past. I am, by nature and personality, slow to develop strong feelings about any man. However, I wonder that because I desire marriage and motherhood, I might accept a proposal and make a poor match. Adding to that is the problem that men with such values are terribly scarce where I live. While I'm not strongly attracted to him, I am certainly not repulsed either. I may be letting feelings of being "entitled" to a "perfect" man with a "perfect" past prevent me from taking him or a future suitor seriously. Of course, genuine love grows beyond whatever initial "good chemistry" a couple has, but I wonder how I can be wise about whether I am laying a good foundation for that long-term marital love."

First, very few people have a perfect past these days. Many of us (including myself) made mistakes in our youth, and while I understand some things might sound like a strong put-off (such as a history of addiction, gambling, disastrous relationships), it's entirely possible to make a fresh start, provided that the past was really left behind. Second, even if you meet someone with an unblemished history, it does not make any guarantees for the future. Each man should be viewed as an individual, and each situation should be addressed separately.

You wrote, "the sources of my uncertainty are partly due to his reservedness and seriousness in social groups"; however, keep in mind that most of your life together with your future husband will be not in a social group, but in your family circle. Your one-on-one interaction is far more important than how he behaves when there's company around. Perhaps he is reserved and shy when there are people around, but are the two of you able to have open communication? I think that is the key question here.

As to financial capabilities, I think a man in his twenties simply might not have had time to make his way financially just yet. He might not have much to offer right now in terms of a steady income and possibility to provide for a family, yet it doesn't mean he won't be a good provider in the future. If you haven't already, I suggest you read an old post of mine titled Marriage and Money, where I addressed the issue of being courted by someone who doesn't have a lot of money:

Instead of asking yourself, "how much does this man earn and will it be enough for both of us and the children too?", ask the following questions: is he hardworking and reliable? Is he steady, trustworthy, responsible, and careful in his financial decisions? Does he tend to spend a lot of money on nothings? And most importantly, does he see himself as the provider for his future wife and children, or does he expect his wife to pull an equal share of the financial burden, if not more?

You said you are slow to develop strong feelings, and I think this actually gives you an advantage, because it means you are not driven by the "chemistry", which can be misleading and plays a big part in the ridiculously high divorce rates today. I think it's normal not have a very high level of physical attraction towards a man who has been courting you for only a few weeks (as you describe). If, as you say, he is not repulsive to you, the level of attraction might grow as the courtship develops.

When I went on a first date with my husband, I did not feel terribly attracted to him, though I definitely thought he was good-looking. In fact I felt pretty neutral about him for our first few dates, and I knew it's normal, because we refrained from any physical contact (which plays a big part in starting or stopping the so-called "chemistry"). I didn't really fall in love with him until after we were married, and when it happened, it was based on things like mutual commitment, support, trust and respect.

Of course, I would never presume to tell you whether you should or should not marry this man - you obviously need to pray about it, and perhaps seek advice from more experienced people who know you (and ideally, him) better. But in my opinion, the potential is there, and the courtship can be given a chance.

Improved etrog jam

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 08:49:00 +0000

Remember I told you about my unsuccessful attempt at making etrog jam, which ended with candied fruit? Well, my husband and I refused to give up, and decided to give it another try.

We took our candied etrog, and boiled it again with some more water, a little bit of honey, cinnamon and grated orange peels. I'm not certain about the quantities as we didn't exactly take measurements, but we made sure the water covered the fruit this time. It smells and tastes heavenly!

In Jewish tradition, eating etrog jam or tasting and smelling of etrog is supposed to help women have an easy delivery. Last Sukkot, when I was pregnant with Shira, we kept our etrog for that purpose and intended to take it to hospital with us, but eventually forgot it at home. My sister-in-law also got me some etrog jam from Rebbetzin Kanievsky, but unfortunately, it was lost before I could ever taste it.

I ended up having a very smooth delivery even without an etrog, though *smile*. For now we'll just enjoy the jam. I'm not pregnant right now, and even if this blessed event happens soon, I doubt the jam will keep for many months!

House plants

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 09:30:00 +0000

My favorite way of brightening up the place!

Good food and simple living

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:34:00 +0000

I wonder, do you read Small Town Living? If you don't, I definitely recommend it. It's a neat bi-monthly online magazine, downloadable for free, with lots of great articles, tips and tutorials - pretty much everything about simple living, gardening and crafts. Some things that are published there are obviously less relevant to those of us who don't live in the United States, but I still glean a lot from it.

In the last issue, there was an article that struck a chord with me. It was a story written by a woman named Deborah Garner, who told about her journey from living mainly on junk food to a healthy vegan diet. Even if, like me, you have never been prone to overeating and have always been naturally lean, you will find her story deeply moving.

I believe that good, healthy, wholesome food, eaten in the right proportions and enjoyed around the family table, is one of the greatest pleasures in life. Do you remember that scene in Narnia, when the witch gives Edmund Turkish Delight, which makes him unable to enjoy good simple food? I often feel as though most modern food, preservative-laden, processed and packaged, has just the same function. It lacks warmth and personality, but when you get used to it it's difficult to go back to home-cooked meals.

Fortunately for me, I grew up in a family that put a great emphasis on home cooking and healthy eating, and even on fun extras such as baking and jam-making. Remember our etrog from a few posts ago? This year, I decided not to let it shrivel up. I collected the etrogim left over after Sukkot, and attempted to make jam out of them. Unfortunately I was not very successful at making jam, because it appears I should have added more liquid, but I did end up with some candied fruit my husband liked.

I could talk on and on about simple living and the part home-cooked food plays in it, but right now it's time to log off so I hope to continue another day. I wish you a most wonderful weekend.

Your friend,

Mrs. T

Our little crawler

celena_costello@hotmail.com (Mrs. Anna T) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 09:01:00 +0000

Not long ago, after weeks of trial and error, Shira finally mastered the art of crawling; within a few short days, she made the transition to increased mobility and is now literally all over the place. Now we have to be extra careful and keep an eye on our love bug at all times, because despite having many lovely toys, for some reason she is more attracted to things like electric cables and house plants.

I love watching her grow. I know that no matter what happens, I will never regret the time spent at home with her, watching all those adorable firsts and rejoicing with every one. What can be more important in setting a foundation for future life and its relationship than those first few months and years of a child's life?

Not long ago, someone we know died, leaving a widow with two small children and another one on the way. He was young and healthy, and it was a sudden, unexpected tragedy. While I think he provided well enough for the family (cannot be sure, because I was not very close to them), his wife has quite a prestigious job of her own, but although you could look at it and think, "at least she has something to fall back on, it will be easy for her to support her children", it's also possible to look at it in another way: she could have spent more time with her family before, and now it will be harder for her to do, financially - even though this is a time when her children will need her the most. But of course nothing is impossible for God, and lives can be turned in a most unexpected way.

The time with our families is so precious. Lives are turbulent and unpredictable, circumstances change, we lose loved ones long before we think it's time to make amends and say goodbye. Therefore, every day is a gift, to be lived and enjoyed to the fullest.

At home, I have sweet little cheeks to kiss, and songs to sing, baths to give and discoveries to make with my most darling little one. Each day, I am blessed.