A few months back, I read an article on Spinal Muscular Atrophy research. Considering I have Type III of this degenerative, progressive muscle disease, I try to keep up on all of the research news. One thing that caught my attention was a statement that one in my position doesn’t want to imagine is true, for fear of getting my hopes up only to be disappointed. This statement made the claim that a cure for SMA will come in the next five years.

All of this fear and uncertainty and hope floods through me at the thought of a cure. What does this mean for those of us with SMA? What will a cure do for us? Will it reverse the muscle weakness? Will it make our muscles stronger? Does this mean some of us will walk? What will a cure do? That uncertainty is nearly as scary of the prospect of being promised a cure that never comes.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not a whiner. I don’t want to say I don’t care about being in a wheelchair, because if I had the choice of wheeling or walking, I’d choose walking. But…I have accepted my disability. I don’t believe in whining about the fact I cannot walk. What a waste of time. I have no complaints. I attempt to adapt and improvise to whatever is thrown at me.

The uncertainty is what I am the most worried about. Nobody can seem to tell me what a cure means. Does it mean I’ll be putting my life on hold to go through PT and strength training? Does it mean I can even recover any muscle strength? Some have told me I’m hopeless. At 28, I’ve had too many of the effects of SMA wear and tear on my body, and any cure is too late in the coming. Is it? Would I be better served if a cure had come a decade earlier?

I guess the scariest part is the what ifs. I’d love to see the youngest generations benefit from a cure. I’d also like to know if I should maintain hope, or if I should just give up and realize this is as good as it gets, and living an adapted life, though inconvenient, is the best way to live. Anyone have any ideas, of what a cure means for those of us with SMA? If you do, I’d love to know.

Technorati Tags: SMA, Spinal Muscular Atrophy, Cure, Cure SMA, Type III, uncertainty, Muscular Dystrophy

Well, I survived my first week at college. Yes, I am BACK in college. It has come to my attention that my exit from Wright State has been heavily discussed. I’ve heard I quit. I’ve heard I was kicked out. Let me set the record straight right here and right now.

First, I was NEVER kicked out of college. I am far too civilized to do anything to warrant getting kicked out. Secondly, the implication I quit, holds the connotation I had a choice in the matter. Did I quit going to WSU? Technically, yes I did. Was I thrilled in this decision? Did I have a choice in the matter? Did I just kiss my degree goodbye with little thought to finishing? I would have to say that all of these were emphatically no.

I didn’t want to leave in my senior year, but things happen for a reason. I ended up falling out of my wheelchair for a reason. I ended up fracturing my tibia for a reason. I ended up experiencing frequent pain that eventually led to my being bed ridden on and off for several years. We are talking almost four of those of being COMPLETELY bed ridden. I was lucky enough to have a computer set up so I wasn’t completely alone in bed.

I also grew restless, and fought HARD to get out of bed. I now suffer through frequent pain while up, but I don’t care. I had to return to living, and I did just that by applying and getting accepted to the University of Michigan. I completed my FIRST week. I am no longer in bed and I WILL be finishing and getting my degree in Theatre: Performance. I will have a degree from a better, Big Ten school. That is why I believe everything happens for a reason.

I am NOT a quitter. Anyone who believes that is foolish. Anyone who attempts to speak of me or for me without knowing what is going on in my life is IGNORANT. I am proud of myself for getting through my first week of school. After all I’ve been through, it’s a huge achievement, but mostly, I’m just glad to be back.

Technorati Tags: School, University of Michigan, Dominick, Flint Campus, College, Quit, Back in School, U of M, Theatre Performance

For the past few years, I’ve done Weekly Picks throughout the NFL’s regular season. I no longer run a sports site, but I still had a lot of fun making my picks. I’ve decided to offer up my picks here on Dominick Evans Online.

This year, I am offering a prize to the person who posts their picks regularly and, by the end of the year, leads the most in picks. If there is a tie, I’ll put all the top people into a drawing to choose one winner. At this time, I’m not exactly sure what the prize will be, but I know its going to be something great.

To enter, simply respond each week to my picks with your own. Each week, we can add up our wins and losses and add the number together. The person with the most wins at the end of the season wins the prize.

Here is my list of picks for Week One:

Tennessee Titans vs. Pittsburgh Steelers: Pittsburgh Steelers

NY Jets vs. Houston Texans: NY Jets

Minnesota Vikings vs. Cleveland Browns: Minnesota Vikings

Denver Broncos vs. Cincinnati Bengals: Denver Broncos

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Carolina Panthers: Philadelphia Eagles

Dallas Cowboys vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Dallas Cowboys

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Baltimore Ravens: Baltimore Ravens

Detroit Lions vs. New Orleans Saints: New Orleans Saints

Miami Dolphins vs. Atlanta Falcons: Miami Dolphins

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Indianapolis Colts: Jacksonville Jaguars

St. Louis Rams vs. Seattle Seahawks: Seattle Seahawks

Washington Redskins vs. NY Giants: Washington Redskins

San Francisco 49ers vs. Arizona Cardinals: San Francisco 49ers

Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers: Chicago Bears

Buffalo Bills vs. New England Patriots New England Patriots

San Diego Chargers vs. Oakland Raiders Oakland Raiders

So, who are your picks? Feel free to leave a comment with the NFL teams you believe are going to win this week.

Technorati Tags: NFL, Football, Weekly Picks, Sports, Pittsburgh Steelers, Teams, New Orleans Saints, Professional Sports, Dallas Cowboys

I have been excruciatingly busy this week. It’s my last free week before I return to college for the first time in six years, next Tuesday. Despite that fact, my excitement level has been building up extensively for this weekend. It is the first week of NCAA Football. This is my favorite time of year. I’m a huge sports fan, but no other sport is as near and dear to my heart as NCAA Football.

It isn’t just because I love the Michigan Wolverines that I’m so excited about our first game against Western Michigan tomorrow. This is my first game as an actual Wolverine. I am, officially a U of M Wolverine. I start school Tuesday at the University of Michigan. I will be attending the Flint campus, but all that really means is I pay close to half of what I’d pay to attend in Ann Arbor, the teachers for my program are just as good, and my degree will simply say “University of Michigan” on it. I am a Wolverine even if I am not in Ann Arbor, and I am proud to be so.

Slightly off topic, I visited the University of Michigan as a freshman in High School. We were visiting colleges we hoped to one day attend. As someone in a wheelchair who received assistance for their education through the state of Ohio (where I lived) I was told I could attend a school in Ohio, but not outside the state if I wanted to receive assistance. The reason for this, I was told, was because Ohio has a wheelchair accessible school, Wright State. That pretty much threw out my fleeting dreams of attending Michigan.

When I first moved outside Flint, I didn’t really realize the U of M – Flint was officially the U of M, just a different campus. In some way, I’ve been able to make that small dream come true and am now attending the school I’ve always wanted to attend. Since I live in the area, and my tuition is cheaper at the Flint campus, it’s the perfect way for me to finally complete my Bachelor’s and attend Michigan.

Back on track, I cannot tell you how pumped I am about tomorrow’s game. I’ve been singing “The Victors” all week. I feel nervous for our guys and for the way they struggled last year, when Rich Rod was left with practically nothing from the exiting Carr program. I have confidence that Tate Forcier and Denard Robinson can help us turn the team around.

I’ll be watching with Ash and the rest of the family tomorrow rooting on our team, but despite all that, I’m also glad that I will be receiving a quality education from my favorite Big Ten school.

Let’s Go Michigan!

Technorati Tags: Michigan, Wolverines, University of Michigan, Flint, Tate Forcier, NCAA football, Denard Robinson

As you may have already noticed, I have updated the design of Dominick Evans Online. Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I think it looks great. As you might have also noticed, I pretty much took off the summer. It gave me time to plan out what I want to do with Dominick Evans Online. I want to be an asset to those who read my blog, so I want to make sure I’m more engaged with all of you.

That has made me realize that I’m not exactly 100% happy with the direction this site was heading in. Sure, I like writing about my opinions. I love to share my journey as a transgendered person and discuss my views on disability rights. I enjoy sharing pictures and moments from my life. But…I want to take things a step further.

I’d like to discuss the types of projects I’m getting involved in. I am going to school for acting/performance. I want to discuss hot button issues, but do it through videos. I’d like to take you on my journey as I go back to school after six years out. That’s why I’m planning to be more proactive, and that’s why I’ve completely changed the layout for Dominick Evans Online.

I hope you enjoy the changes to this site and that you’ll keep reading as I explore new avenues through this site.

Technorati Tags: Dominick Evans, Online, Videos, Interactive, Redesign, Website

When my dad became ill that last time, at one point, he told me he didn’t want to die. By then, it was too late. There was no magic pill, surgery option, or diet he could go on that would allow him to take care of his body.

When you are young, you don’t think about your mortality, as a human. Heck, my dad wasn’t young, proving most people don’t think about it until its upon them. You should, because sometimes the inevitable is preventable.

I got a reality check this week. At my latest doctor’s appointment, my Electrocardiogram showed abnormal activity. I haven’t had an EKG for about a year, and that last time, everything looked good. As someone with a muscle disease who also has a history of heart problems in my family, I’m conscientious enough to make sure I get my heart checked regularly.

I’ve been feeling fine lately. Other than being tired from my frequent physical therapy sessions, I haven’t had much illness. Every PT session I get my Blood Pressure taken and it’s always within a very healthy and normal range. I’ve not had problems with high/bad cholesterol nor have I experienced any chest pain, so I’m somewhat confused about the lack of symptoms when it comes to this abnormality.

My doctor told me not to worry. She would be getting additional tests as a precautionary measure. She didn’t want me worrying until she was worried and at this point, she isn’t. The problem is that my heart wall has thickened. It’s assumed I have something called Left Ventricular Hypertrophy. She has to rule out other things and make sure the Left Ventricular Hypertrophy isn’t serious.

The good news is that if it is a negative form of Left Ventricular Hypertrophy, its in the early stages. Also, a positive form of Left Ventricular Hypertrophy occurs naturally from working out, so I have to wonder if going from nothing to PT, which is really strenuous might be causing the irregularity. Irregardless, I’m trying not to worry, but I am also thinking long and hard about my life. Whether everything is fine or whether I have another bump in my road ahead of me, I have thought about how delicate life really is.

I have realized that I can and should make changes in my life to keep myself healthy. Saying I’ll wait until tomorrow isn’t an option because we never know if there will be a tomorrow. I’m going to take this opportunity to make sure I do have a second chance and I think everyone else reading this should consider how fragile their life is, too.

Are you doing what you want with your life? Are you keeping yourself healthy? Are you happy? Can you honestly answer all of these questions or are you dissatisfied with something in your life, because now is your time to change it.

Now is the time.

Technorati Tags: thoughts, seize the day, health, heart problem, Left Ventricular Hypertrophy, awakening, wake up call

The conservative right have one argument I just giggle at. I have to wonder why they picked ducks. Why couldn’t they have picked billy goats or chimpanzees? What’s so spectacular about ducks?

Bill O’Reilly has started that if gay marriage is allowed, next people will want to marry ducks. This is a common “slippery slope” argument. It isn’t accurate though since ducks cannot consent to being married to humans and the whole purpose of legalizing gay marriage is to allow two, adult, consenting same sex partners to marry.

Well, Pat Robertson had to talk about ducks, too. He doesn’t like the fact that a bill is on the table that would protect sexual orientation under the status of hate crime. If we protect the “gays” what’s next? Should we protect the guy who wants to have sex with a duck? Should that guy be protected under the status of hate crime?!

Seriously, Pat. Are you that stupid? How can you compare duck love to same-sex love? That’s just silly.

Apparently, two pro-gay marriage actresses agree. They’ve come up with a video response/parody. It’s quite funny.

Sex with Ducks is the brainchild of Riki “Garfunkel” Lindhome and Kate “Oates” Micucci. I think it’s hilarious. How about you?

Technorati Tags: Sex with Ducks, Gay Marriage, Slippery Slope, Riki “Garfunkel” Lindhome, Kate “Oates” Micucci, Video, Funny, Pat Robertson, Bill O’Reilly

I’ve been very busy trying to redesign sites (and yes, Dominick Evans Online is getting a very nice redesign). I haven’t had much time to devote to posting about anything. I figured I’d talk about a relatively safe topic, since I’m sure some controversial posts will be coming on my blog soon.

I want to talk about movies. In particular, those that have moved me. I have been thinking about the Holocaust, lately. The sacrifices people made to help those who were taken by the Nazis and the bravery of those who were taken to camps and tortured, were murdered, or watched members of their families head off to their death. This is what brought me to a place where I wanted to write this. I’d like to share with you the movies that have touched me, and there is more than one that has to do with the Holocaust.

So, without further ado, I’m going to get right into the list.

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas – This movie broke my heart. I don’t cry at movies and I nearly cried at this. If this movie doesn’t touch you, I don’t know what movie will. Yes, this movie could be deemed somewhat unrealistic, though not impossible. If you can look past that, you’ll see this story is about the innocence of children, who were too young to fully comprehend why Jews were considered bad.

It’s about 8 year old Bruno. Bruno’s father is a Nazi officer who is sent to the country to run a concentration camp. His children are tutored in Nazi history and learn about why Jews are bad, but Bruno doesn’t get it. An explorer by nature, he wanders through the woods at the back of the house until he comes upon a fence. There he meets Shmuel. Shmuel is Jewish and is supposed to be helping the others work on one of those meaningless tasks Jews were assigned in camps. The two develop a friendship that ends up having devastating consequences.

Sophie’s Choice – The performance by Meryl Streep (and Kevin Kline) make this movie as good as it is. The scenes where Sophie recalls her time in a German concentration camp are heartbreaking to watch. You truly feel Sophie’s pain and her heartbreak. The title of this movie says it all. Sophie’s choice had to have been the hardest choice she ever made, and it changed her life in ways that tormented her indefinitely. It is easy to see why Meryl won an Oscar for this performance.

This movie is about Sophie Zawistowski, a survivor of the Holocaust who is now living in Brooklyn. Sophie has a turbulent relationship with her lover, Nathan (Kline) who has a drug problem and needs anger management. Nathan is also obsessed with the Holocaust, a constant reminder to Sophie of her haunting past. Wishing to be her knight is Stingo (Peter MacNicol), a young writer who falls madly in love with Sophie. Unfortunately, she has already had such a poisonous life, her toxic love for Nathan is hard for her to let go, along with all the ghosts of her past she is unable to release.

Bent – If you have trouble with gay-themes then you will have trouble watching this movie. Still, you should watch it. The story explores an aspect of the Holocaust that is rarely discussed. Thousands of homosexuals were captured and sent to camps to work, if they weren’t killed immediately. As Clive Owen’s character Max says, it is worse to be homosexual than Jewish. To be homosexual is to be the most vile, lowest person in the camp. If you wanted to survive, you didn’t say you were gay. You denied it.

The movie shows how gays were hunted by the Nazis. Some were murdered on sight and others tortured on the way to camps. Max (Owen) is gay, but he tries to deny it after being taken to Dachau. He is given a yellow star to denote he is a Jew instead of a pink one, which says he is gay. He believes the yellow star will ensure his survival, where the pink star only brings death upon men who wear it. In the camp, he works with Horst (Lothaire Bluteau), a gay man who wears his pink star with pride. The two move rocks from place to place all day, all while having a love affair. The only thing is, they cannot ever touch one another.

Powerful, gripping and heartwrenching can only describe the emotions felt while watching Bent.

The Children’s Hour – I was in college the first time I saw this movie. There was a special at BGSU (a film/cinema event) through VISION (the LGBT* ground on campus) and it aired a documentary called The Celluloid Closet, which examined GLBT characters and GLBT history through cinema. This was the first time I ever heard about the The Children’s Hour. Well, I made an effort to see this movie, and it truly touched me.

The Children’s Hour tells the devastating story of two college friends, Martha and Karen (played by Shirley MacLaine and Audrey Hepburn), who start a boarding school for girls. One of the girls at the school, Mary, is a troublemaker and gets in seriously hot water. After being punished, Mary escapes and travels to her Grandmother’s house, where she tells a vicious lie insinuating that Martha and Karen are more than friends. With Mary blackmailing another girl, Rosalie, to corroborate her story, the tall tales of children spiral out of control with catastrophic consequences.

While brilliantly acted by a cast of veteran actors, the movie is very hard to stomach. The topic of homosexuality was not spoken of in 1961, at the time this movie was released, yet the events that unfold are nearly as shocking today as they were back then. Everyone should see this movie, if only to understand how vicious a lie can hurt a person and devastate the lives of others.

It’s My Party – Since we’re on the homosexuality theme, I cannot fail to mention this movie. I never knew the movie was directed and written by Randal Kleiser until I started writing this article. You might recognize his name because he directed Grease and Flight of the Navigator amongst other notable films. Kleiser rounded up an all star cast for It’s My Party that includes Eric Roberts, Gregory Harrison, Marlee Matlin, Margaret Cho, Lee Grant, Roddy McDowall, Bruce Davison, Bronson Pinchot, Devon Gummersall and Olivia Newton-John.

The movie follows the life of Nick (Eric Roberts), who has tested positive for HIV. He has been with his partner, Brandon (Gregory Harrison) for a while, and he is afraid of dying alone. Their relationship crumbles shortly thereafter with Brandon abandoning Nick. A year later, Nick is diagnosed with Progressive Multifocal Leukoencephalopathy (PML). The disease is particularly harsh, so he plans to take his own life to avoid a death that will be prolonged and painful for both himself and his family. He only has a few days left until he will be able to make the conscious decision to end his life, so he throws a party to say goodbye.

I don’t see this movie as trying to be pro-assisted suicide or pro-suicide. I see it as a story of a dying man and his family. The movie is hardly political. It does, of course, raise a question of whether humans in Nick’s situation should be allowed to take their life to avoid an inevitable yet potentially hurtful death. I like this movie because it felt genuine and I like the way the cast and crew approached such a touchy subject.

The Pianist: Adrian Brody makes this movie one of my favorites. We’re back on the Holocaust. This movie is just brilliant to watch. The acting is excellent, the film is engaging and the performances move you.

Brody stars as Wladyslaw Szpilman. He is a Pole and a Jew, who also happens to be a musician. Wladyslaw must find a way to use his music to get through the German occupation of Poland and his life spent in Warsaw’s Jewish Ghetto. This is based on a true story about a Polish pianist (supposedly the best in Poland) who must find a way to escape deportation to a Nazi concentration camp. At the same time, Wladyslaw must deal with the deportation of his family, while avoiding capture by the Nazis.

There are other movies that have touched me, but these are the main movies that have actually tugged at my heartstrings.

What movies have touched you?

Technorati Tags: movies, Holocaust, homosexuality, WWII, It’s My Party, The Pianist, Sophie’s Choice, The Children’s Hour, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, Films

I’ve decided I want to finish getting my BA. So, I’ve sent in my application and sent transfer requests to all the schools I’ve attended in the past. I’ll find out 1-2 weeks after they receive my transfer information. If I get accepted I’ll be getting my diploma from one of the schools I dreamed of attending, the University of Michigan. Unfortunately, I won’t be attending the Ann Arbor campus. I will be attending the Flint campus, which is the second biggest UM campus. Either way, if I’m accepted I’ll officially be a Wolverine!

I figure if I’m going to be living in the Flint area for the next few years I might as well do something constructive with my time. Not that I do not find blogging to be constructive, because it is. I just think that it is important to show the kids in my life that it is important to attempt to finish what we start. If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.

A lot of planning goes into going back to school for someone in a wheelchair or with any type of disability. I’ll be meeting with the department where I’ll be studying, to not only discuss my graduation requirements and get advice on what classes to take next, but also to discuss any type of accommodations I might need in the classroom. Everyone I’ve spoken with seems incredibly nice and willing to work with my disability.

One nice thing is how supportive U of M is toward transgendered students. That should not be an issue either. I should be able to use whatever name I want thanks to their system that protects transgendered students who haven’t been able to change their name legally. Since I’m not sure my name change will be legally finished by September (it will be very close to being complete by then) I’m very happy to know I don’t have to start class with so many questions from teachers and peers, thanks to being able to use Dominick for everything I need at school.

I will need to meet with Accessibility Services to make sure I get testing accommodations, a writer, and a note taker. Writing has become something that is very painful for me, so if I have help writing it will ensure I can take tests in a timely manner. I also have a lot of trouble maneuvering a keyboard while in my wheelchair (something I’m definitely working on), so typing wouldn’t be a suitable option, either. I will also need to find out if there are other accommodations I’ll need.

I also need to meet with Admissions to discuss my name change and getting everything listed in the name Dominick. I’m trying to coordinate a time when I can meet with all of them at the same time. Add in the fact that I need to meet with MRS and the next few weeks will be very busy for me.

MRS is Michigan Rehabilitation Services, which is other states’ equivalent to BVR. I need to find out about MRS paying for college and hopefully they will also pay to make my new van wheelchair accessible. That is one thing they typically do, so here’s hoping. Eventually, I hope to go back to MRS to learn to drive. I wouldn’t be able to drive with a small wheel the way I did before, but due to my muscle progression, a joystick would be the ideal driving aid. I use one to drive my wheelchair, so I’m well aware of a joystick’s sensitivities. I one day, truly hope to learn how to drive on my own. To me, that will be an amazing achievement.

I still have a lot of work to do, in Physical Therapy, but at least, I truly feel that I’m finally making strides in the right direction.

Technorati Tags: school, MRS, Michigan Rehabilitation Services, College, University of Michigan, Flint, transgendered, back to school

I don’t think I’ve ever lied about my relationship with my dad. It was tumultuous, to say the least. He and I had what I’d like to call a love-hate relationship, though at times we’d pretend it was mostly hate. I do recall saying I hated him, on more than one occasion, but a lot of it was because I felt hurt. At times, I thought he didn’t love me. Growing up changes your perspective on your parents, a lot.

My dad wasn’t the friendliest of guys. He was grumpy. He slammed the drawers on the cupboards. He swore and screamed at the television. He would get so angry he would shake. I knew how to push all his buttons and he mine. In many ways, I see how I’ve adopted some of his habits, especially yelling at the television when my team is losing and losing my cool relatively easily.

Davey, as I often called my dad, when I wasn’t calling him stupid or some other childish name, passed away eight years ago today. I have moved on and I don’t feel pain at his death, or regret about our failed relationship anymore. I’ve made my peace with my dad, and I’ve realized, he’d be more likely to accept me, as I am, then any of my other relatives, because deep down, that’s the kind of guy that he was. Sure, we’d fight, but I found, perhaps a little too late, that in the end, he had my back.

My dad and I did get along well, if we were on our own. Yes, this did happen. In fact, we spent the morning together (he took me to the doctor) the day he had the first of his four heart attacks. When he was sick, we talked on the phone every day.

Unless you knew my dad, you probably wouldn’t know he was deaf. Our phone conversations often consisted of him yelling “what?!” into the receiver and then eventually him asking the nurse to tell him what I said. I called him every day, but the day he died. I had two finals and a meeting that day, so by the time I got home it was 7 or 8 PM. Exhausted, I got into bed early that night, only to get out to head back to Toledo because he’d died.

My dad was a funny guy, in retrospect. We shared a love for music, obscure television shows, and sports. He was a rampant Ohio State Buckeyes fan. What started out as preteen rebellion grew into my longstanding love for the Michigan Wolverines. He would get so mad if my Wolverines won and I would gloat ceaselessly causing him to not talk to me for the day. Of course, if his Bucks managed a win (rare in the 90s), I never heard the end of it, either.

My dad was born to Polish speaking, first generation Polish Americans. He grew up speaking Polish and also could sing in Latin (something I assume he picked up at the Polish neighborhood/Catholic church he attended for church and school). Sometimes, when he’d take me to places alone, mainly events for MDA or when he took me to the Polish festival, he’d sing songs.

I assume they were church songs because they were in Polish and Latin. Despite being deaf and requiring the use of hearing aids, my dad had a nice, deep singing voice. When I’d ask him to teach me, he’d insist he didn’t know anything worth teaching. This was very frustrating, as I found my heritage quite intriguing. In the end, he would teach me how to count to three (how exciting) and I learned a few different swear words (like dupa – which he sometimes would call me in those early mornings when he woke me up for school – I’m sure he was joking, of course).

My dad showed he loved me in ways I never realized when I was growing up. They weren’t outright displays of affection, because I often thought he didn’t love me. For example, when I was little, I often had Vicks smeared over my chest and back. I hated Vicks. It’d make my skin burn and I remember crying because it hurt to wear it. My dad would hold me on his lap and it was one of the few times since I was a baby I’d let him hold me.

He also caught a fly ball for me during a NY Yankees/Cleveland Indians game. He later admitted it hurt like heck as the ball bruised his side from the impact of being hit so hard, but he wrestled it from a man who tried to snatch it from him, telling the guy it was for me. Of course, no man wants to look like a fool and take a ball from a kid in a wheelchair. My dad also took care of me when I got sick during that trip to Cleveland, too. He didn’t do anything but clean me up and tell me it’d be okay. He didn’t even say we had to go home. He let me stay and enjoy the game because afterwards I’d “felt better”.

I never realized until he was dying that all these things he did, these small things showed he loved me. It took me quite a few years of guilt-ridden shame to accept we’d made our peace before he died and to forgive myself for all the mean things I’d done to him. I know he forgives me though and I know he’s in a better place, free of pain and sickness.

Today, I don’t feel the guilt, the pain or the sadness I felt. I can finally say I have moved on. I will miss Davey Lawniczak and I will never forget him, but I know he’s on another plane of existence watching over me and encouraging me to scream at the television with him, whenever my favorite teams play.

Technorati Tags: my dad, death, anniversary, David Lawniczak, parent, mourn