Henry

If you struggle so much that it makes you cry, I suggest you dial it back to activities you’re more comfortable with.

Then build up slowly-slowly.

That way you give yourself the opportunity and time to gain a level of comfort with the play you’re doing, to grow your confidence in yourself, and to learn to trust your submissive. All of that can take time, not least because knowing something is not the same as internalising it.

Not only will that help with your current discomfort and emotional reaction, that will also help mitigate your fear of actually hurting someone because you will know yourself better and know that it’s completely under your control.

I’ll also add that not everyone enjoys any kind of so-called ‘mean’ play, and THAT’S OK. Maybe it’s not for you, so that’s worth thinking about also.

Ferns

I am a Dominant who struggles with feeling mean when i dominate my boyfriend. He comforts me after our sessions,telling me he loved it, but i can’t help, it makes me cry when i let go of the barriers i put to be a “respectful” dominatrix.

I am deeply afraid to hurt someone if i let go and am my dominant self

Still one of my favorite stories!

Hope you are well!

Found a reference to [b]Dom Voice[/b] in an online glossary. I suspect that a number of us males are wired to respond to such a voice from Dominant women. Snapping us to attention-at least mentally-awaiting commands.

Gaaaah, this still hits me in exactly the same way reading it again more than 10 years later. If the audio is too intimate to share, I’d love for you to whisper it in my ear! ;-)

“I think I know what your answer will be, I just need to hear it from someone trustworthy like yourself.”

You *think*? No, you KNOW.

I’ve described the exact tactics that have been used on you (get off the site, pay me for a ‘training kit’…). You don’t need me to tell you this, but since you need to hear it:

It’s a scammer (not a ‘she’).

And it’s not even a good one. It takes 5 seconds to create an AI photo of a hot mistress these days, and they’re still stealing actual photos? Amateur hour LOL.

You don’t need someone else to tell you this. Trust your gut.

Ferns

I have been seeking a Mistress to take me as her submissive in Melbourne, Australia. I approached Goddess Ronnie on Alt.com and she wishes for me to become her sub (or Object).

She immediately insisted I delete my Alt.com subscription which I complied with.

After a day into our communication she advised me she does not ask for cash favours but does require me to pay AU1654 for the training kit. I am resisting this strongly but she continues to try sweet talking me into paying in installments, etc.

She sent me a copy of a quotation as proof of the amount she is requesting from me which is from a business called Discreet Kinky Store but a search on the internet for this business has proven fruitless.

The arrangement is that she will will order the good for me but I must pay the store directly and they will deliver it to her property where her dungeon is situated.

Further to this she resists my requests to meet prior to making the purchase, or to allow me to visit her dungeon to check that it actually exists, and i have also requested that I am happy to rent a vehicle to go tom the store, inspect the good, pay for them and I will deliver it on the day my training is due to start. All of which she refuses to do, telling me I am a chicken with a fear of commitment to her.

Today I have used a reverse photo search tool to check the photos she has provided to me and it appears they are copied from https://divinegoddessjessica.com/

So my head is saying she? is trying to scam me but my heart says I should confront her until she provides all of the proof I need that she is real.

Please forgive my weakness in this matter, could you advise me how best to get out of this situation, do I just try further confrontation or should I just block the WhatsApp conversation and be done with it?

I think I know what your answer will be, I just need to hear it from someone trustworthy like yourself.

Many thanks for your fabulous blog, Its is a shame I didn’t find it sooner.

It is insightful. It is how I love to play whether as top or bottom. It adds a character to subspsce, a flavour which tastes different. Innocence. It is a really beautiful feeling to tap into and a beautiful one to hold,

I tried contacting BusterBDSM on Twitter to get his opinion on this, but his account has been deleted.

But here is something to consider. There have been many reported injuries and deaths involving other types of BDSM play, like breathplay. But there have been no reported injuries and deaths involving regular estim devices like shock collars that I could find.

I do recall reading of some estim injuries involving high frequency (i.e. 10 kHz) stereo stim where internal burns occurred. At high frequencies, it takes more current to produce sensations, and the user would consequently crank up the current too high. It is why regular estim devices are so safe. They involve using very short intermittent pulses of electricity. If I understand correctly, shock collars also involve using short pulses of static electricity.

However, the only reported estim deaths I’ve ever heard of was with regard to people foolish enough to play with high amperage electrical sources, such as car batteries or current directly from a wall socket.

Thanks for sharing the link to more information.

From my perspective, the more informed someone is about any kind of play and the risks involved, the better. Multiple sources are better than a single source. And if those multiple sources don’t agree (and they often don’t), it’s still more information to consider.

I don’t think ‘I’ve never heard of any debilitating injuries’ is a great way to assess safety though: Reports of kink-related injuries are often personal and local, and many incidents are not shared beyond those involved.

I’d add that for every person who has had a problem/injury/health issue from any kind of play, there will always be many many more who didn’t: Always. They’re the odds. This is true even for play that is widely acknowledged as being high risk.

It sounds like you’ve done your research, assessed the risk, and decided it’s small enough to play with this. Assuming your partner/s are equally informed and risk-aware, then cool. May you have lots of enjoyable & safe experiences with it :).

Ferns

And yet, I’ve also read an article written by a registered nurse that gives a counter argument to this: https://discerningspecialist.com/articles/98-shock-collars-in-bdsm

So even medical professionals disagree on the question of shock collar safety around the neck.

Also, I do agree that one should not do something because others have done it, but at the same time, I have never heard of any injury that BusterBDSM warns about. Have any of you found any reports of life-debilitating shock collar injuries or deaths?

Statistically, if there have been a large enough number of people who have used shock collars around the neck, would there not have been an incident of debilitating injury by now as described? Does that mean that there would be absolutely no risk? I would say the answer to that question is “no” but if the risk is infinitesimal to the point that you are more likely to die in an auto accident….

I wonder if the reason that there have been no injury might be because the current is so small, and at such high frequencies (I did read a medical book that explained why there have never been any recorded death using estim devices, but that is a separate topic).

Thank you so much to both of you for your help!

Anonymous was so quick, thank you!

I didn’t see their comment until just now though, and sent one also. So now you have double the chance that captivecontrol2 will reply :).

Good luck.

Ferns

I took care of this.

Hello Ferns,

I saw in an older message here that you were willing to send a message for someone else who had lost access to messaging on collar space. I know that there’s a chance that it won’t be received well, but on the chance that it is, if you could send a message for me, I would appreciate it so much!

Starling

Ps… The user I’m trying to contact is captivecontrol2

My message:

Hello, This is Starling. We messaged recently about a possible meetup. Unfortunately, I updated my profile and lost access to sending messages. Here is my email: Starling043 at proton dot me

I’m glad too :).

Ferns

Hellooooo! *waves madly* :)

How ARE you?!

Here’s my latest news (not great, but I’m ok): https://bsky.app/profile/fernss.bsky.social/post/3lgzqhev4b222

Ferns

Thanks Pete :).

Ferns

It really speaks to the fascinating dynamics of d/s play that this is both alarming, honestly pretty intimidating yet it simultaneously draws me in. Both to see if the dominant person would go that far and to see if I could take it, or see if they’d feel something strong enough towards me to do it.

I’ve heard “trust is earned, not given”, but I can’t live like that. How can you demonstrate you’ve earned trust if you’re never given the chance to.

Obviously, I don’t trust everybody blindly… I’m not stupid. And from a kink perspective, I’ve always kept things very close to my chest – UNLESS – we’re already in an accepting environment. In those cases, I’m pretty much an open book. Outside of kink, I’m an open book except for the restricted section in the centre. Who’s got the energy to go talking to people and worrying about what you’ve said, what you haven’t said, what needs to be hidden, what guards need to remain up?

Nah – forget that. I’m more of the “Here’s the whole mess of me, do what you will with it – I’m along for the ride. It’ll be funny”.

In the end, I’ve been hurt on a number of occasions by over-trusting… but I’d still say the benefits have outweighed the negatives – both professionally, and in most cases, personally.

Once my trust is lost though, it’s gone for good. This is something I wish I could change. :(

Been scammed by ppl in debt consolidation business

Thought that was bad 3 mistresses and wasted a few years on each and all a scam and thousands and thousands later to have zero ..

So yes they are out there for sure sadly making their life easier by our $ and being foolish ppl who want to love and be a certain role

Sadly the truth

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKgitu25ZAg

Thank you for this forum. I too met someone on bdsmdate and they told me to delete the account instantly. We have chatted for weeks and today I have been asked to buy a starter kit for £270 at a discount (she claims to be paying 180 and offering me a discount) and send the money to her kit seller.

I emailed her seller to see what response I’d get was told to buy an apple gift card and sent it to her. Turns out that the seller and the Mistress have the same surname!

It sounds like the same scam and I glad I saw this on a few sites before I went any further.

And consider it from his perspective. If he is all that, for him to only accept an equal or better as partner *severely* narrows his options, probably to the point of impossibility if he is also submissive. It’s lonely at the top, and all that! It’s very common for powerful men to partner with less powerful women. Beauty, a good heart and social competence often suffice to snag the most powerful men. Add some evident intelligence, and the barriers come down further. Power also comes at the cost of having to bear great stress, so for the powerful submissive, the very rare woman who has those and can embody dominance holds a very special attraction.

You have all that! You are undervaluing yourself, and underestimating your own power, particularly as perceived by a submissive who seeks a loving relationship. Of relationship oriented dommes out there, who else is more attractive, or has demonstrated a greater intelligence through prolific writings that show a highly developed, deeply reflective understanding of her dominance? None! You are absolute cryptonite to even the most powerful superman! I speak from personal knowledge of the matter! 😍

Moreover, a relationship can be a pathway to growth for both parties, as they share their complimentary capabilities. Would not such a man revel in aiding the growth of your power in all ways?

Thank you :).

Ferns

My pleasure, Apollo :).

Ferns

I came here thinking I may got the wrong idea of how D/s relationships work, and I’m glad to find out I was wrong, and it is reasonable to expect other aspects in the relationship (the day to day/vanilla aspects).
Something you mentioned about you suddenly being seen as the all knowing teacher catched my eye (in a good way), you actually put the human side of the relationship, wich is often just forgotten due to many people just imitating things they see in porn without diving themselves into doing the research first.
Glad I found this blog, very pleased with what I read and happy to know there are other aspects to it. :)
Thank you for sharing.

So, civilian life may have trained women to give orders in a military style.

Which is much more convincing than a “shouty” style.

Earlier in the year, a friend told me that his brother fell for a scam, and lost a lot of money.

People in general need to become wary of anonymous strangers on the Internet.

A woman on the cusp between Dominant and Submissive.

Google “2020, Femdom 101. Reading through the blog…. A woman who seems to be on the cusp. Married a Submissive man. For her, F/m seems to be an acquired taste.

The tone seems to tend vanilla.

BTW, the daughter may be a natural dominant.

Consider individuals who are neither particularly dominant, nor particularly submissive. On the cusp between Dominant and Submissive. As I have seen described, if a man is dating a woman who shows “Alpha” tendencies, he has three choices:

1. Struggle for dominance. That adheres to a patriarchal script that demands M/f.

2. Abandon the relationship.

3. Capitulate. Accept that he will be the “Beta” to the woman’s “Alpha.”

I have seen these choices listed only recently. It may be that the concept of an FLR is starting to enter the consciousness of the general population.

If a man is not a true Submissive, why would he stay with a Dominant Woman? Perhaps the romance part of Romantic Femdom applies to all three possibilities.

With Najakcharmer as an example, this owner/property relationship can overlap with Romantic Femdom.

As a pro-Domme, I’ve had a huge problem with people, almost always men, stealing my photos then using them to try to scam people.

Next time you find yourself in what looks like a scam situation, picture some big, ugly, smelly dude who thinks you’re an idiot and wants to rip you off and waste your time. Now imagine him holding up a photo of a woman he’s never met. He holds this photo in front of his face and tells you to give him loads of cash so you can be his slave. If your answer would be ‘NO’ in that scenario, then make sure it’s your answer when it happens online, because that’s really what’s actually going on.

Even if your answer would be yes, say NO, because its a scam and you wont meet the guy anyhow!

You deserve better and I wish you the best of luck.

They won’t.

If a blackmail threat doesn’t work, they’re not going to waste their time following through because there’s no value in it. They just want the money. They’ll just focus their efforts on whoever else they have on the hook.

I’d add that since I wrote this post, deep fakes are SO ubiquitous and easy to create that plausible deniability has reached an entirely new level :).

Ferns

Um hey maam
These guys wont actually leak your photos right

Came across a web site that added a couple terms for relationships:

1. Male Led Vanilla

2. Female Led Vanilla

Number 2 being F/m in terms of D/s, but without the interest in kink.

Looking at different web sites, I think a number them emphasize Female Led Vanilla.

One definition I found-chosen families are nonbiological kinship bonds.

Another-a chosen family is made up of people who have intentionally chosen to embrace, nature, love, and support each other regardless of blood or marriage.

Nobody here is affiliated with Collarspace, so we can’t help you.

Ferns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cU1ah6MOorg

I understand. Thanks for replying: much appreciated. All good wishes, Martyn

I’m glad you fund the list useful, Martyn.

I’m not really updating the list, so all of these are older books.

I look at new ones when I see them mentioned by folks, but unless they’re really good, I’m not keen to give them visibility here.

Ferns

I just had the same on AFF they wanted a sub i was up for it, we spoke ll seemed good location time etc spoke about our kinks and needs then boom you need to buy your training kit £150 with a screenshot of a site to purchase all the toys etc at this point i knew something up so asked for meet and greet introduction and was told nope its this or nothing. just so you know it was Mistressbee33

we really dont even use alpha beta omega as much anymore. most people we have meant wether male or female eschew these terms. we were using them in terms of how in wolf packs etc there is one alpha male or female mated with the highest beta. than all other beta rank in degrees below than omegas. this is not really how people online use it. we avoid using even though many times the way we mentioned can line up wirth human soceity because of the psuedo-science way the incels mgtow pua etc are using it online

randomly reposting the text to our account saw comment. by your name we assume you are Indo-Pak . Sayyida Amina is half Arab/French/Native. Their mostly follows Arab culture and some are more Western. We have dealt with the Desi community for majalis, hawza etc but have more personal experience with Arab Persian communities. Your best bet is to talk to your local alim, and parents about finding a F/m marriage in a halal with a compatible sister . You may have to decide between Sayyida and Domme thou depending on the matches they can find. An older widow or divorcee may be more open. Best of luck hope you see this, you can contact us on fet.

Femdom defined as:

“Relationships or activities which are controlled by a female. The person(s) being controlled may be either male or female.”

(From the Erotic Hypnosis Glossary).

Makes no distinction between kink and not kinky, or between different forms of kink. Looking at different web sites, both Femdom and FLR, these seem to be overwhelmingly concerned with F/m. I believe that F/f exists, but I know very little about it.

There is a fair amount of material about how human interact with other species, such as horses, dogs, and cats. With each species having a unique relationship with humans.

Thinking about these, I would say that humans have excellent potential as pets. I understand that some people role play as these other species, but I think that a unique Human/human-pet relationship could develop. (With Beta 5 being an example).

Best. Update. Ever! :))

Congratulations to you both: Thank you for coming back to give this most lovely and welcome update <3.

Ferns

I had to look that up :D. And thank you :).

Ferns

Started thinking about this when I noticed one invented by a dominant woman. It was M/s, short for Mistress/submissive.

I suggest using an “R” to represent Romantic, or Romance. Use letters inside brackets to indicate a power exchange, such as [D/s]. Put these together to get R[D/s]. Meaning a relationship that includes both romance, and a power exchange.

R[D/s], as written, is gender neutral. As an example that is more gender specific, try R[F/m].

I’ve no idea what ‘online bdsm relaionship’ means here, but your fear of blackmail means that you don’t actually know or trust her (most people in actual relationships aren’t scared that their partner will blackmail them).

I assume you now think this person is a scammer based on something you’ve read about typical scammer behaviour here or elsewhere.

If that’s the case, just block them everywhere.

They can’t threaten to blackmail you if you aren’t reachable. Blackmailers just want the money: I’ve not heard of a single one who’s actually sent photos or videos to people’s friends/family/work because it’s just not in their interest to do it if it doesn’t get them any money.

Ferns

Scammer become masters of manipulation.

Unless someone has indicated that they are a pro-domme, assume that any mention of money is a red flag.

After reading this, I’m not sure if I feel better or worse. I wish I had this knowledge sooner.

I was an idiot and fell for it, not once but twice, I got scammed, bad! The first time, she asked where I lived so I told her. Turns out she only lives 2 hours away from me. So she said at least. Then after talking for a bit, she wanted me to book a room for a private discreet dungeon. So she told me to get the room that provided everything and get it for 2 hours. I did. I spent$500 for this “private discreet dungeon” a few days later I got an email saying I had to purchase lube from them because you can’t bring your own. The mistress I was talking to gave me a sad story about how she’d have to go to the hospital if I didn’t get the lube.

Long story short, I paid $200 more for the lube! So then the day before my appointment at the dungeon, they emailed me saying my room is no longer available but if I upgrade for the membership of $600 they would have a room for me! Finally I got smart and told them I didn’t believe them and I wanted my money back. They said I’d have to send another$200 to get my money back! So that’s were it ended. $700 they got from me.

Later on I met another mistress. I told her how I didn’t trust anymore and I ended up telling her the whole story of how I got scammed before. I asked her to promise me she wasn’t going to scam me. (Like an idiot, I believed her) she told me to delete my account on the site we met. She asked for my Facebook info, she wanted my home address, and she asked for my phone number. The mistress had a slave contract for me to fill out and pay $200. I did. Later on she wanted me to purchase sex toys from a reputable seller.

After going back and forth I gave in and ended up spending $242 for sex toys. There was a mess up on the shipping and my toys somehow got delivered to my mistresses house. But she told me not to worry because she would just bring them for me when we meet. Then she tells me she didn’t realize I hadn’t paid tribute and I needed to pay$100. So I did. The next week she says we’re to meet that night because she has to leave for work soon. So long story short she has me purchase a room for$200 and I drive 2 hours to the location and wait for her. When I tell her I’m there, she says, she has to go home because her mom fell down and she has to take her to the emergency room and for me to wait. After an hour more of waiting I finally drive the 2 hours back home. The next day she says she’s sorry and that her mom needs surgery and she needs money. I finally told her I don’t have any money… because I literally don’t lol

After reading this I know your thinking, how could someone be so blind and get scammed like this…. I guess I was so desperate for their approval and wanted so badly so please and make my mistress happy that I was a blind idiot to what was really going on. They really mess with your head. Open you up and make you vulnerable to them. Tell you everything you need to hear so you trust them.

Thank you so much for posting this article. hopefully people will read this and become aware that they are being scammed sooner then I did.

Thank you for your time,
I hope you all have an Amazing day.

Sincerely,
sub chrissy

The real damage from electro play comes from current passing through the body. Mainly across the heart. So through the chest, or between nipples using the same circuit, from one arm to the other is also risky. But no one has died from using a shock collar.

Obviously anywhere on the head is a bad idea.

ive thought of this idea for cbt play do you use just a normal dog shock collar

A Domme-particularly a newbie-is a precious flower, and needs a benign setting/situation in which to blossom.

A. Chemistry between individuals. Or not.

B. Chemistry between an individual and a place. Or not.

I will explain B first. Regarding a discussion on another forum. The question being, after moving to a new city, does it begin to feel like home after a few years? ( Unfortunately, some people feel that they have made a mistake, even after living in the area for years).

C. Individual humans, and preference regarding a species of pet.

A is multi-faceted, and each facet warrants at least a paragraph.

Thank you :)).

Ferns

This is a really beautiful photo of a really wonderful woman (but you already know I already think the last bit of that statement is true..already).

Catch you on the flip side!

Yes, that Michael x (this name is copywritted btw peeps).

I absolutely agree. Gentle but firm is heart melting. Pleasing and pleasuring Her, attending to and meeting Her needs and desires is what it is all about (for me).

The porn that objectifies men by hate filled women is just ridiculous. I always assume it’s made by men and marketing departments who have no real understanding of Female Led Relationships, or Female Domination.

Namaste. M x

It’s impossible to resist you. I’d like to lick your cunt ! It’s my dream that you fuck my face. Your voice is most beautiful sound I ever heard. You are absolutely gorgeous

What a beautiful photo) so much temptation)

I’m listening to your podcast from most recent going backwards. This is an absolute revelation on finding out what women (not just Dommes – but women as humans) really want from sex and relationships.

I just have an opinion about the lady’s question re: her man not being able to climax and the male masturbation death grip.

From my experience almost all the wonderful Women I have been with, both vanilla and dominant fetish have been under the impression that pumping my cock as hard and fast as they can is the way they should make me cum. For me personally this is the complete opposite of how my body works. My advice to the Lady would be to slow things down, be gentle and work around his glans, with the occasional hand on his shaft with a gentle slow movement. This will undoubtedly make him ooze precum and then she will know that he is being stimulated.

In addition, talking gently into his ear about what is being done to him and verbalising Her fantasies and also his.

In my opinion this will without doubt obtain the desired result. The problem he is likely having is remaining stimulated and engaged (like You’ve said the brain is the biggest love muscle) and with slow, gentle movement and verbal stimulation, the fear of losing his erection will subside.

Men become very fearful about not staying hard and this results in a self fulfilling prophecy which he will worry about even before he starts to play.

Again, thanks you Mis Ferns I just love your work it is so insightlfull.

Michael x

I’m 50 and have felt the need to serve women since I was four or five years old. It’s just part of who I am.

I think the problem is that if you were born in the 70s / 80s then the only frame of reference for being a male are the archetypes which came before us; that old adage ‘our fathers were our models for god’ thing.

If we are on our own in the journey of learning our nature as a submissive, or what I really think it is about; loving and respecting women for who that are – then we can feel rudderless and completely without identity. The question echoes through the man:

‘How can I as a man who has no strong woman to serve and adore ever realise my true feelings and nature if I never have the opportunity to express them?’

The sex stuff of being a woman’s plaything is wonderful, there is nothing more exhilarating – like nothing else I have ever experienced. However, when engaging with women in the outside world, sex is obviously not part of the dynamic and nor should it be.

The man can therefore feel trapped in his own paradigm emblazoned on him by generations of men who fought adversity and were seen as real men. The paradox here though is that these real men likely a big part of the system which has subjugated women forever.

I’m married with children. I love my wife (and children) very much and my behaviours towards her are structured around caring and serving her.

Nearly every man I know still objectifies women sexually and sees them as some sort of lower class human. I am simply staggered by this. I mean it leaves me speechless. I often find myself apologising for my half of the species to complete strangers at how a man has spoken to them or looked at them as if they are some sort of fleshy hole for them to fill. I heard some young men calling a grown woman ‘milf-gash’ to her face a little while ago. We almost got into a fist fight in the supermarket. The poor woman was so upset.

For men of my generation struggling with their feelings around being submissive to women, I would say treat every women you encounter with the same high level of respect and dignity. Be engaging and show real interest in her thoughts and feelings. Take the time to compliment and appreciate her, every woman has her own beauty. Recognise this and you may find that the struggle you have been struggling with is only another layer of defunct programming and you will be free to be who you are, but more much, much more importantly women will be free to be who they are.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the matter, for what they are worth and why I can’t call you just by your last name!

Thank you Miss Ferns, I think you’re doing a huge thing with your work in educating both men and women on relationships in all their many guises.

Michael x

I recall a comment to…either Reddit or Quora… that F/m and F/f have more in common with each other than either has with M/f.

Femdom Wrestling.

Two women versus one man.

The goal for the women is to pin the man. The goal for the man is to avoid being pinned. When pinned the man acknowledges defeat.

Send my $500 application fee immediately, and we can discuss the terms.

Ferns

Would you like an American Findom Ferns?….

Unrequited love has a power and life all of its own: It never has to be tested, never has to face challenges, is never sullied by harsh realities.

Perhaps longing is its own entity.

Ferns

Thanks Nova :).

Ferns

Yep: 100% a scam.

Glad you found this post to confirm it.

As for finding a dominant, see my comment above.

If not that, I wrote an entire ‘how to’ guide that will help:

– “How to find a dominant woman”

Best of luck :).

Ferns

Thanks, that list described this person spot on, I just feel like a fool that after avoiding many different scams this one got me. I suppose all I can do is learn from the experience.

It’s 100% a scam. Sorry :/.

I mention your scammer’s take specifically because it’s so very common:

“Other common scams involve asking for hundreds of dollars to buy a BDSM ‘training kit’ or toys.”

What to do?

If you sent your driver’s license, do some research to see what the real-world risks are for identity theft where you live based on just that, and what you can do about it.

I recently had my data hacked from both my health insurer & a financial institution, and they suggested I run credit checks to see if anyone had been applying for credit cards in my name (they hadn’t).

Other than that: Don’t say a word, just block them everywhere. Delete any throwaway accounts you were using.

They WILL threaten you with blackmail if you remain in contact and reveal that you know they’re a scammer, and that can be scary. There is no way to blackmail you if they can’t reach you, and it’s definitely not worth their while to go through with doing anything with your information out of spite.

Ferns

Me too :).

Ferns

I’m so happy that you feel validated: That’s one of the main reasons I started blogging in the first place. Way back when, I couldn’t find any femdom content that resonated with me or that reflected my experiences or my life.

I really appreciate you taking the time to leave such a lovely comment.

And you are so very welcome :).

Ferns

I feel so validated… I’m finally putting myself out there on dating apps, and it’s hard, being an introvert. When you described what makes someone attractive to you– they get in your head, the openness, the chemistry– I almost cried.

Reading what you had to say about being a wall, and men needing to be persistent, how you’re emotionally more reserved, how you need that intellectual click, how men present themselves as color in water and you need to see how deep it is before going all in, I cried. I feel like I’m reading my future diary– a woman so confident and comfortable with who she is and what she wants in a partner, and isn’t willing to compromise. I’m crying as I write this.

As an introvert, I really don’t have these types of people in my life to go to for advice, so your blog feels like a lifeline thrown at me when I was about to surrender to the waves. And not just in an emotional way; you taught me how to look for resources to find other people.

Thank you. Just thank you.

I think you may be correct. I pressed the Domme about it again last night when she contacted me. She claimed there was nothing wrong because her ex sub (previous sub i suspect) booked through them using the non-reloadable gift card. She tried claiming I will be happy with it almost in a manner of trying to tell me that I should go through with it. She also claimed that she believed this booking service and the other company (i assume she means Mastercard directly) are in some sort of partnership which may not actually be the case.

In any event the booking service uses a website made via Wix (not that the website in itself makes it a scam) but found no policies, TOS, Privacy Policy, etc. on the site. Its basically a generic landing page where you wind up having to contact them via their contact form to either get more information or do any booking.

So yes, Very strange.

100% a scam: Don’t give them any money.

Ferns

I asked the booking service what their payment method was and found it a little odd when they said that they require payment to do booking with a prepaid non-reloadable mastercard gift card. Is this a normal thing? or should I be a bit worried about this? (I am omitting the name of the booking service to protect against slandering the service in the possibility that it is legitimate).

Thanks

I doubt they will see this comment, but Amina and her puppy are on fetlife (aminaandherpuppy), so you may be able to have a chat to them there.

Ferns

Hey sayyida Amina, awesome to hear a fellow syeds story. Wondering about how to find a frmdom partner in our culture

Thank you so much for letting me know, I appreciate it :).

I hope you enjoy listening to them as much as I enjoyed doing them.

Ferns

You’re very welcome: I hope it helped and that everything turned out great for you :).

Ferns

Yes, I understand that the toxicity of the public interwebs can be dispiriting – from my side, the really frustrating thing is how difficult that makes it to cut through and be seen through all the noise.

As to whether I exaggerate …. Hmmm, I’d LOVE to think not, LOL! In fact, this seems like a proposition worth putting to the test! :-D I’ll send you a sweet email, and we shall see!

“Gosh, as a sub, having a flood of responses from Dommes to deal with is my wet dream!”

Ha! Subs always say this, but they (and you) completely misunderstand the actual experience of dominant women.

To get closer to understanding, if an equivalent were to happen to you, the vast majority of the ‘flood of responses from Dommes’ would be either findoms calling you names and demanding money, or scammers pretending to want a relationship when they’re setting you up for blackmail or payment, and if you politely say you aren’t interested to any of them, the chance of getting a bunch of horrible abuse is about 50/50.

It’s really not as awesome as it sounds.

“And to get one from You, well, that would be like a weeklong full body orgasm”

That seems like an ever-so-slight exaggeration :D.

Ferns

My gut says ‘no’ (that is, when I read about the process I feel that same reaction as I wrote about in this post).

I think I wrote somewhere that the main difference is that with the personal ad, I *invite* responses, so then I get flooded AND I feel obligated to deal with them in some kind of timely manner. The ‘obligation because I invited it’ is the part that feels like some huge amount of work, and I think most dominant women who’ve ever placed an ad would be familiar with this.

The solution would be to feel no obligation to anyone (which is how I feel when I get random messages out of the blue), but many of the respondents are polite and seem nice, and if I just leave them hanging for ages, I feel like an arsehole, so I dont’t want to do it.

Ferns

Oh, I know exactly how that goes :/.

Ferns

It’s never too late to start :D.

And thank you: I’m glad you’re enjoying it :).

Ferns

Thanks.

Unfortunately, it still holds true, so long afterward :/.

Ferns

episode 4 in the final

Yes. Probably not a woman, and 100% a scammer.

Ferns

FOURTEEN YEARS NOW!!!! FOURTEEN!! *mind boggled*

I’m very happy that he knows, and reciprocates <3.

Ferns

You are mistaken: This made me smile, so it’s clearly a high-quality comment and thank you for it :).

Ferns

Heh. I somehow missed this penguin-related comment. That is a great shame for kinky penguins are clearly the only reason anyone ever goes to Antartica :P.

Ferns

Heh: Pretty sure my feelings aren’t driven by caffeine.

But I’ve since been diagnosed with ADHD, so while your reasoning was flawed, you weren’t that far off :).

Ferns

Maybe You should not have coffee as a routine. You display symptoms of toomuchcoffeenitis.

Sorry you were scammed :/.

Your best bet for scammer-free venues is your local BDSM community :).

Ferns

Thank you :).

Ferns

My dominant wife doesn’t listen to anything like that , if I try that she would just do the opposite she absolutely never does what I want and topping from the bottom well I’ll never get a release if I try that crap , she takes great pleasure in not doing what I want except for one thing she loves to own means I love her for owning me we both agree on that whole heartedly topping from the bottom no way we are a female dominant cuckold TPE marriage I have no safe words and no say in anything I’m just concerned with obeying her that all I worry about thank you, slave cc

I’d like to talk about my wife who is very dominant , she gets so turned on by whipping me, she loves to punish me and I am a masochist and I have no problem with being whipped I mean I am beaten ,she gets carried away and I get in sub space she can do what ever she wants to me I love her her she’s my owner her need to give pain to me is the priority and I always eat her pussy and the punishment sessions always end up with a her having a great intense orgasm but in the beginning of our relationship afterward she would feel guilty it was like her mother’s ghost would come making her feel like she isn’t suppose to be having that pleasure but in a short time she got over that , now we are very happy we are in a TPE female dominant cuckold marriage my wife has no guilt she still enjoys beating my ass and what she really enjoys the most now is her black lover , she whips me and makes passionate love to her boyfriend Micheal and she feels great about it she’s guilt free and sexually satisfied thank you , slave c.

I’m so sorry you got scammed :(. That sucks.

As for what you can do. I’m pretty sure the money is gone: They are smart enough to make sure any payments are untraceable.

But most countries now take online scammers very seriously, so look up “reporting online scam” for your country or state and see what advice they have.

Hopefully you haven’t given them any compromising or identifying information, but if this was recent, you can probably expect emotional manipulation and threats to come next. Don’t engage further. Block them everywhere.

Ferns

If you are clearly advertising your ‘pay for play’ professional services, and then stating your preferred communication method to discuss those services when someone contacts you, no-one is going to think you are a scammer.

Scammers are NOT up-front about wanting money, they do NOT advertise services-for-pay, what they do is pretend to want a relationship only to spring a money demand into the mix on some pretense of it having to do with progressing this pretend-relationship.

If you are an ethical professional, and you are up-front about what services you offer clients, and what costs are involved, AND you have communication preferences, you’re fine :).

Ferns

Awesome, I’m so glad it resonated with you :).

Ferns

this is such a brilliant response to ferns’ brilliant blog post. i have forwarded both to a man who has articulated that he’d like to be my sub but does little other than send to me a message every few days at 9.30am to say ‘how’s your day going?’ (it isn’t! it’s 9.30am! i am barely awake!). it feels quite true in my experience that many think it is enough to send a list of their ‘hard limits’ and then immediately expect to be invited to play, without otherwise making a shred of effort. it’s tedious.

That is a good and valid question.

I’d love to do another, but I’m waiting for my unbridled enthusiasm to return. Not sure how long that will take to be honest.

I’m glad I helped you previously :).

Ferns

PS. You really helped me with a question in a previous Podcast.

Some people are simply bottoms, they are only interested in play time.

Submissives may be bottoms during play time, but also obey their dominants in other parts of life.

Oh trust me, I’ve looked at them. Many many of them. For years and years.

The vast majority are just horny randoms calling themselves ‘submissive’ because they want some lady, any lady, any one at all (no, not you, you’re too fat/ugly/not wearing the right outfit/not willing to do all my kinks/aren’t using the right tone/etc etc) to do the things they’ve madly wanked over in porn to them.

THAT’S what they are begging for, and that ain’t submission.

Ferns

Sounds good but isn’t true. Look at the sub men on fetlife there are so many of them and so few dommes. they are begging

Ferns — I am in dialogue right now with a ‘Mistress Sarah’, the SAME name as Anonymous posted in his reply right here in April.

Now her asking price for the kit is $885! I’m sorta stringing her along and delaying, just to fuck with her. They are insanely creative and manipulative, just like you said.

Thanks for these types of posts!!

It is isn’t it? These stories always make me so happy :).

And thanks: Obsessed with my new home at the moment (as if you couldn’t tell if you follow me on the Twitter :P).

Ferns

If the male is mature (rather than a testosterone-laden teen age), it shouldn’t be too difficult to accept the role of….simply being observed.

If in doubt, back away. If you feel unsure about a situation, definitely don’t send money.

Because of the patriarchal assumption that a man should be a sexual aggressor.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Omrp4QR_Rpo

Thank you Silver :)

(this is an old post, but I will always accept any and all compliments and birthday wishes with complete delight :)).

Ferns

Beautiful birthday nude 🙇‍♀️

Love always,
Silver

I did a search and discovered that he offered and I gave him an enthusiastic ‘yes please!’ here, but I haven’t posted one from them, and I think I’ve posted every single one I’ve received, so imma go with ‘no, no they are not’.

Ferns

I got a very similar thing. My scammer was more ambitious though. He/she/them or whoever asked for $1565.20. That didn’t happen lol.

Nope, still here, though more HERE and HERE than here.

Ferns

You’ve actually found something better to do than speak to fumbling mukwumbles.

Well good for you….

Thank you so much for the loveliness :).

Just as well there’s a ton of existing content for you to trawl through since I haven’t posted for a while :).

Ferns

Cheers,

Agreed :).

Ferns

I have the same one I believe. I told her I needed $500 a week to proceed because all good things cost money lol. Waiting for her response now this is awesome I’m having fun with it.

You seem to have missed this at the start:

“A yes leads to a discussion leads to a negotiation.”, so we had already had those talks by the time I sent him the playlist.

You also seemed to have missed this:

“He gets to rate them from 0 to 5, he gets to add to them, he gets to say ‘No’.

Perhaps you should read more of my content to get a broader context of who I am before you assume the worst.

Ferns

Heh: I have no idea what you mean by “I do how they are wipe clean”, but yes, very gorgeous :).

Ferns

It seems like the “Goddesses” are either scammers or 22-year-olds who have never done a single scene! A pdrson should have to earn that title!!

Yeah payments to ‘the BDSM council’ or some other BDSM organisation for pretend-legitimacy is a popular scam tactic.

No such thing.

Ferns

What I’ve been seeing a lot with, well what I would call scammers on instinct anyway, is that at least those approaching me often say after a brief introduction, something about if I want the person to be my Mistress/ Goddess, and after another couple exchanges suddenly that they need a tribute for a “BDSM Council” to “register my slave contract”, without me ever agreeing to the terms, getting a closer definition of anything, getting a say on the “terms”, etc. Often mentioned in conjunction with getting into contact with other Mistresses to verify my “enslavement”. Usually within 50 to 100$/ Euro, depending on where they claim to be from.
In my opinion its quite clearly a scam, or at least a very, very unethical findom. Most times if put under a bit of scrutiny/ asking for a fakecheck (picture of face + username of whichever site and date on a piece of paper in the picture), they often go the “You can’t command your mistress” route.
Now, I dont have anything against Dominas, or even Findoms for that matter. But this is quite shady in my experience. Proving you are who you say you are and demanding age, clear name, relationship status, current living arrangements, where you live, and private telephone number, yet claiming to be from germany and claiming a name like “Joy Loveth” to be the birth name is very… audacious.
That said, I appreciate all legit Professional people, and their work.

I’m so glad it resonated with you.

And you’re so right, it can be a sensitive subject. Not least because a lot of people throw every paid dominant under the ‘scammer’ bus without discrimination, and navigating the not-even-very-nuanced difference between ethical and unethical for-pay providers can be fraught because the internet is very bad at any level of nuance.

Ferns

Bob, your post was 2020. It is now 2022 and I have beem on contact with a scammer just like that. Asked me for $950 for a training kit only after I first inquired. I wish Ferns would tell us how the real do actually behave.

I wish there was more to read about this sorta thing. I guess not enough people are trying to find human alternatives to dangerous shock collars lol.

Thanks: I’m glad it resonated with you :).

Ferns

I’m glad it was an education for you.

As it happens, I’m also an introvert. But honestly the only part of this that requires you to step out socially is the ‘going to meet someone’ part, and of course that’s unavoidable if you, you know, want a relationship with them.

Ferns

“How To Empower A Newbie FemDom”

“How To Inspire A Newbie Dominant”

I love this post. “The buttons” especially and how D/s is just how we express our attraction. Being submissive is a form of expression that is erotic in nature. I think of lordosis behaviour: quite literally I am “catting” for it. And I don’t feel this with everyone. It is more that some women put out a kind of flirting energy that I feel as overpowering—that they might pounce. And I have to say that the more calm and collected in the everyday, the more powerful she is. A state of being gives confidence. On both sides of the slash. When a dominant woman is attracted to me, it is deeply validating, as it is when I am attracted to her and feel her dominance. When the chemistry aligns, it becomes a beautiful dance.

Thank you so much :).

Ferns

Mistress Sarah ask for # 840

Ferns

Thank you, Silver :).

Ferns

Ahh, that’s a lovely story, Belle :).

I hope he got out from under his family stresses due to your help.

Ferns

We met at a gala dinner and he was a waiter there so for the past couple of months his family has been requesting ridiculous amounts of money from him and he was happy to help but it was a little overbearing even with the other two side hustles he had. So he just needed a shoulder to cry on and some advice, which is what I did. I gave him some financial advice and drew up a plan for him…a simple rough draft. We obviously exchanged contacts to keep in touch next thing he cleared my Amazon wishlist….well never mind. Good story though.

I’m not sure what comments you’re reading, Chris. This is ALL about finding an actual for-real relationship with a dominant woman. If you want more information, buy my book: It will help.

Ferns

You could vector in any direction and be perfect while doing it.

“I only started this blog so some fabulous submissive man would find me.”

“I am not sure how much you have read of my blog so far, but I want you to stop reading it.”

Well, I found you (I’m totally fabulous, ha! Modest too!) and my reaction was, “OMG love, read, read read, love love love, read read, hmm CONCERN, but still OMG love” before I wrote to you. So my contact was coloured by the concern part, and no doubt that made our interaction less satisfactory for both sides than it might have been with a mutual construction of a connection fit for both sides from more of an optimistic blank slate.

I think you would be better off looking for connections based on a web presence with much less information: a well developed vanilla profile with just enough of a hint of your dommeliness to entice a sub. Maybe wrap it in a riddle incomprehensible to vanillas that they have to respond to to show that they get what you are saying. Really, there must be many fabulous men who swim in mostly vanilla waters who would love to be the sub of a totally fabulous domme like you who is vanilla compatible (me, me, me!)

Yes, just like that :).

Ferns

The game described reminds me of a (vanilla) woman playing with her puppy dog.

Yes to all of that also: And hi again you :).

Ferns

Well I was talking more about play that is *mutually* enjoyable, but that dominants end up feeling really bad about anyway.

Either way, I still agree with you :).

Ferns

I don’t think they forget: I think if they’re new, they genuinely don’t know that it might be a thing, and if they’re playing with new dominants, it’s possible neither of them know that domme-drop is a thing.

Ferns

The more the meaning 🤗

I’m delighted that you enjoyed it :).

Ferns

Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it :).

Ferns

I was on the predecessor Collarme and other BDSM sites since 1998 that are now gone, The Gimp was one I remember fondly along with Bondage.com back when it first started, that used to be a pretty good group of members and was started by some real kinksters. Just this week I found a list of old sites and passwords and tried to get in my old kink accounts, I noticed that Bondage.com has also been taken over by Al.,

Collarme lost me after a few years due to the large number of fakes and findommes and I’d primarily spend online time at Fetlife. My interest was always to find friends and partners for real life, and to learn from reliable sources not the online porn-fantasy..

But during my early years online I did meet some great people from ALT.com, so that was definitely worth the many hours sorting through the fantasy morons and scams there.

Just in the last week I’ve been working on OK Cupid, making comments on all the questions that have any kink or feminism related aspects, not sure if those are included in their searches.
And in my profile I use some key words including FLR, Goddess, Female Led Relationship and submissive. I’m hoping that just the large number of members, and that it seems to be more women who want real relationships and not just hookups.

I’m thinking about opening a Tinder account and trying to slip some key words and mentions there, but I think it’s a younger membership and primarily hookups, but again huge numbers of members.

Thanks again Ferns, I appreciate your thoughts and what you share with the community!

Well im not trying ti force her to do anything she doesnt want to. As i said before, it is training that relates to stuff that is acceptable and agreed upon within the contract. Training isnt in the contract, but the things the training is for, are. My question for you is how to go about presenting her with a training plan in a way where she wont think shes not good enough the way she is or something like that. She is great, and me wanting ti train her is not telling yer shes not, but she sees it that way i guess. The fact is though, that everyone has preferences and the only way for another person to know how to please a specific person’s preferences is through a Dom specific preferential training program. How should i go about this in that way? Where she doesnt think shes not good enough?

I don’t think you can over stress aftercare for a Dominant enough. I think a lot of subs, mostly new subs, forget that Dominants need reassurance and care too.

Have you read my very practical step-by-step guide: How to handle disobedience?

Seriously, I recommend it because these issues aren’t simple and my blog post is the high level crib notes, that’s all.

The guide gives you a whole bunch of foundational information on setting up (or resetting) your dynamic, what you have to think about to make it strong and workable, and a process to deal with disobedience in a way that works.

But I’m going to say this also: Built into all of it, and what I include clearly in the guide, is the simple fact that your sub has to want to submit. You can’t ‘make’ someone submit if they don’t want to (nor should you, you start to veer into abuse territory if you try).

It sounds to me like you’re trying to tackle the symptom (she won’t do what you want) and not the cause (your foundational dynamic isn’t solid).

So yeah, get the book.

Ferns

Or do i just have a false expectation? Becuase ive literally read every single article on all of this, including yours,”when your sub says no” and cant find anything specific enough to my problem, which is why i am asking you directly. Based on everything I have researched, expecting what i expect is not out of the ordinary for a d/s relationship. Idk why she wont, i have talked to her, we have revised our contract like 10 times and those activities she refuses to train on and doesnt even like talking about very much, are still in the contract as acceptable activities.

If solution is the search, your long ago exe’s statement might hold the key

Hugs

It takes a real strength to sit in one’s brittleness.

But as my alter ego would say

https://images.app.goo.gl/Fm3iPW7NFDe7daWk6

Not as fun to have to click but heck its worth it

My own parents are gone. You age to a time when your elderly parents, aunts, and uncles begin to pass away, and family loses a generation.

from god we come to god we retun.

so sorry for your loss.

We lost mum in 2011, after two years of her suffering with metastasized breast cancer that had inoperably reached her brain. There was nothing we could do for her except pain meds and watch.

At first, we were numb, in a way, because her misery had ended. That was both blessing, in the moment, and a curse. It put the pathway through it on pause; because it genuinely was a mercy.

It took me four years to really open up to somebody and be able to cry for her.

It does, and will, get better as you grieve out that pain and loss, and it lets you look back on a life lived, love given, and the better memories of the person we love, and miss.

=hug=

Allow yourself time, any amount of time. You don’t have to conform to any kind of standard when it comes to grieving. You might not be okay for a while or a long time and that’s okay. Feeling shit is how we know we‘re alive and feeling pain is how we know what we lost meant something. It’s all okay, your way of processing is your way of processing. Allow yourself to feel all the terrible things.

Reading what you wrote, I have to say that you are not the only one whose brain works like that.

Thank you for this post.

Love and sympathies to you and your family

My deepest sympathies.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

xo

I think it took me four years after the passage of my mother before I felt “fine” again.
It’s a hard part of life, and I hope you keep on keeping on.
So sorry for your loss,
~ MoHaF

Wishing you well.

❤ sending love & strength to you ❤

You’re so welcome :).

Ferns

Notable themes in this story:

1. She appreciated that he had functioned as an independent adult. He could be am asset, rather than someone who couldn’t make it on his own.

2. He had to be confident in her capacity to make good decisions, or at least ones he could live with.

Thank you, Fern, thank you. Your words both sooths and comforts the pain of loosing my beloved sub. And your support eases the moving on. I am on the move at the moment, excited and happy about a promising start-up. Thank you, Fern. Your support and you giving me these loving words is bringing me hopes. Thank you, Fern

I’m glad it reminds you of your relationship :).

The number one thing: Ask her what they can do to please her :).

Ferns

@Solveig: I’m so sorry it didn’t work out for you, but fwiw, I absolutely think you did the right thing.

If you (general ‘you’) can’t be honest with your partner about your feelings, then that’s an entire issue all of its own. And if it turns out they aren’t on the same page, then it’s better to know as early as possible than to shy away from that truth because it will come out sooner or later.

And 100% yes on deserving a loving sub who appreciates what you bring into the relationship and adores you for it. I hope you find one.

Ferns

*points to 10+ years worth of content*

I’m trying, trust me, I’m trying.

Ferns

@Tara: I missed your comment, sorry about that.

“How do I assert dominance without having to hide my feelings?”

There is nothing more dominant than asserting your needs in a relationship, telling your sub what you want, how they can make you happy, all of that. And if your sub thinks you’re too clingy or needy, then you either sort it out, or you have to face the fact that you’re a bad match in that area and figure out what that means for the relationship.

So just say it: “This is the level and type of interaction I need for this relationship to work. I’m currently not getting that and it’s making me feel bad/miss you/lonely. How are we going to address it?”

Not whining, not passive-aggressive hints: Openly state what will make this work for you and look to find a solution together.

I know it’s scary to ask for what you want, but it’s also really empowering.

I was slow to respond to this so I’m sure this has been resolved already: I hope it worked out how you wanted.

Ferns

Thank you. I Have a similar Experience right now. And it has suddenly turned out not so good. I am very sad about it, and feel bad. I miss my long-distance sub, our relationship, that has gotten lost. And I probably will be missing him for a long time, he seemed to be “the one”.. Just as you spot on explain: Longing for him when he was to busy and not attending to me……. I became clingy…or perhaps just felt that way? I did not hide my feelings, -I told him I longed terribly for him. – And he disappeared. Saying we did not fit together.

I will move on. I deserve a loving sub, that appreciates being loved.
So do you. Your sub should respond happy, when being loved. Otherwise: Move on Live Happily ever after, best regards and best of luck to you, Tara

More happy, less dying :).

Ferns

The stars of alignment winked when they twinkled, those nights we shared together.

…

…. would expect some feedback from the ground crew tho. We all need advice about our bad landings…

Thank you so much <3.

Ferns

Exceptional. Mind and body.

XXX
Your friend and visitor from long ago.

I see a three step process for supporting a Dominant’s dominance:

1. Would-be-Submissie is deferential starting with initial contact.

2. Start of D/s relationship. Submissive person is highly obedient.

3. Submissive signals appreciation of the Dominant’s dominance.

As for number 2, I see the constraint as whether any harm will be done.

Regarding number 2… If the Submissive is highly obedient, perhaps that might result in the Dominant Woman having a hard time discerning if she is assertive or an unreasonable b*tch. Bringing us to number 3.

BTW, I think Coug’s idea of giving chocolates is quite charming. (that’s assuming that the woman likes chocolate, of course).

Actually, this concept-being owned in a Femdom context-is new to me. But I would feel proud to be the property of a Dominant Woman. I would be happy to call her my owner.

Everyone is different, of course, so the best bet would be to ask her ‘how can I support you?’

In general, I think genuine appreciation for her creating that experience, specifics about what they love about her way of being, how it makes them feel, how happy/grateful they are about how things are going, how they feel lucky to be her submissive etc are likely to be positive and helpful.

Ferns

Not Ferns obviously, although we could be twins, but we’re humans too, a simple well done or I really enjoyed that is often enough. Of course, chocolates and booze are also acceptable substitutes also.
Coug

Thank you!

You’re absolutely right about it being relevant also for new interactions/relationships, and the risks there.

I think, though, that experienced dominants are much more likely to have negotiated more clearly in the first place, and are much more likely to be perfectly fine with saying ‘look you’re doing X and I don’t know what it means, so now we’re gonna stop and talk about what’s going on here’. Newbies generally aren’t quite there yet.

Ferns

You nailed it, Wedge!

“It’s also a nightmare for someone who is getting to know you, and actually *isn’t sure what you are doing*. They are trying to divine the line between ‘being positively assertive’ and ‘being an unreasonable bitch’, [AND OF COURSE YOUR WITHDRAWING CONSENT – add. mine] and they are well aware that if they get it wrong, the whole situation can go bad very quickly.”

Molly

Also… happy birthday!

Sticking with Maslow, despite the flaws in the theory, it also highlights the role of love – ‘to love and be loved”. As we pass the various stages towards “self-actualisation”, we forget that it is our lowest unfulfilled need that troubles us the most, whether we are aware of it or not.

So many of us with BDSM needs, seem to find love just as elusive as self-actualisation. We constantly strive for perfection but find it ethereal, mist-like, unable to be grasped and sustainable.

It does weigh one down, but as you say, we put one foot in front of the other and who knows, one day we may find it all simultaneously, sustainable and fulfilling. It may be that quality that makes us human, never simply making do, striving to be better every day.

I trust this doesn’t appear preachy or self-indulgent.

Thank you :).

Ferns

You’re welcome.

As for ‘now do V’, you know that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works…

Ferns

A lovely compliment, thank you :).

Ferns

So beautiful

Gorgeous

Now do “V”

‘Exceptional’ and ‘spellbound’ are both wonderful outcomes :).

I know, I’m so late with this. Life stuff and such.

Ferns

Thank you :).

Ferns

<3 <3

Ferns

Aww, I’d say you have nothing to worry about but you are Ferns so you are always going to question yourself!

I admire a tasteful nude as much as the next guy, but you really outdid yourself this year. It’s just such a fascinating nude study. The lines flowing from arm to opposite extended leg, with the shadows and sharpness of B&W. The composition and whatever editing you did is just beautiful.

Oh and you look pretty good too ;-).

Thank you so much :)).

I wasn’t sure about this photo, so I really appreciate the loveliness.

Ferns

(and a belated happy birthday to you).

:DD

Ferns

Massively funny. The birth of an entire new genre.

Nothing in the spec suggests it is any different – well there isn’t any spec!

There is certainly a lot of form across the sex toy industry for selling standard electro kit at hugely inflated prices.

Thank you :).

Ferns

Escorted out the door with the other trash :).

I’m okay; Stuff going on here, hence my silence, but I’m okay. Hope all is good with you over there.

Ferns

Magic! :)

Ferns

You may of course give me thanks, tardy or not :).

I’m so glad to hear that you’ve talked to your wife about it: I’m sure that wasn’t easy. I think that any change being a long term process with many steps is really common for established relationships, and it sounds like you’ve had a lot on your plate.

Thanks for coming back to share how it’s going :).

Ferns

However, a mixture of life-factors kind of put a stall on this, as well as to my disappointment – an associated decline in Mrs Angel’s libido and our sex life in general. As an unintended consequence though, I ended up properly coming out of the kinky closet recently, admitting to not necessarily relying on regular sex, but taking my pleasure from striving to please my her, and yes I admitted – submitting to her – especially so if it was in a sexualised context.

Like many others of course I’ve always lived in fear of disapproval of this side of my sexuality, and while not quite understanding it, my wife has implicitly at least accepted it; happily basking in my servitude, and even on one occasion rocking my world by quite surprisingly dominating me sexually!

I’m still actively learning how to submit in a way that fits in naturally with her, and giving her the space and confidence to allow her to grow into the dominant lady that I know her to be without her feeling guilty about it.

Who knows; in another year we might be offical. Until then, our relationship has definitely grown stronger from at least nodding to the big D/s elephant in the room.

There have been 2 or 3 exceptions – loyal readers who’ve taken the opportunity to say hi, express gratitude, but to do so in a way that preserves their anonymity.

As always, thanks!

Thank you :).

Ferns

Thank you :)).

Ferns

I’ll never be dead to you, darling <3.

Ferns

You’re so welcome :).

I think everyone takes some time to learn exactly what works for them and what they need to ‘unlearn’ to find their fit. Goodness knows I started with a whole bunch of stereotypes in my head and leaned into that pretty hard, so took a while to come out the other side.

I’m glad you have a lovely sub who’s there to support you in it :).

Ferns

You’re so welcome: I’m glad it helped :).

Ferns

I am experienced within the BDSM lifestyle community, though seldom participating in communal events

I am a male who is entirely self supporting and who can contribute towards a dominant ladies household income

I am seeking a live in position where I can sleep in a cage or closet at night. A SLR (Superior Led Relationship) TPE (Total Power Exchange) no rights and no freedom,consensual servitude.

I am desirous of serving and obeying a truly dominant lady,couple or even a family group I last served a widow who was strict and demanding for a total of 8 years.

I performed all manner of domestic servile and handyman labor including cooking all household meals I also performed massage,pedicure and manicure services as required. A male servant does only what his owner demands of him and never ever what he wants. He because and remains property and lives a life dictated for him.

I was only occasionally allowed out and then under female escort I am quite used to serving in chastity and even restraints if required I am also used to physical chastisement if my lady dominant requires it I have no friends and no close relatives and so there will be no division of loyalties and I can fully devote myself to making my lady dominants life more comfortable I am open to meaningful and progressive dialogue in the hope of meeting face to face in the near future I can and will answer any and all sensible and mature questions. I am private and discreet and so will not blast my photograph All around the internet.

I am a retired Firefighter on a good pension and did 30 years service. I am still fit and healthy and want and need to serve,obey,suffer and be owned as legitimate consensual property.
I do not drink Alcohol,Smoke any substance,are partake of any narcotics. I am celibate by choice though my late lady did enforce chastity with a made top measure and comfortable device for prolonged wear. My focus was on domestic servile labor and not sexual pleasure.

This collarspace website omits punctuation and grammar and deliberately leaves out letters and words for unknown reasons. I have a longer more in depth profile.

Chattel Martin

Thank you for your writing.

LOL: Super fun stories, thank you for sharing :)).

I’m glad positive things came out of meeting the not-liars :).

Ferns

Well the entire point was that ‘being mean’ in an ethical D/s relationship where activities are negotiated and agreed is an expression of love.

If pain play or emotional masochism isn’t for you, then obviously you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone for whom that’s important.

“…for me to be able to pour out love to her through submission, through gifts, through attention, through touch, all because she has collared and leashed me metaphysically, metaphorically, and very much in her presence, is to have given me the opportunity to give what I was put on this earth to do”

That’s so lovely: I’m so glad you found a relationship that allows you to express yourself in all the ways that make you happy, and presumably that’s the case from the other side also :). Long may it continue for you and your Mistress :).

Ferns

Yay! I’m delighted that you’re finding the book useful :).

Please let me know if the link in the book was the problem or if my instructions on getting the planner was unclear: If so, I’m keen to fix it (if you had a problem, chances are others are also and just aren’t asking me about it :/).

Ferns

Never mind I Found it in my email after signing up and subscribing. Haha. Thank you. I’m printing it now. :)

You’re welcome :).

Ferns

*curls lip and laughs nastily*
Coug

Ohhh, I see what you mean now. You mean there’s no audio link on the Masocast page!

And you’re quite right. Yeeps!

Axe has fixed it now, thank you for pointing it out (and persevering) :).

Ferns

Ferns, Thank you. But still a no-go with that link. All your other Masocast interviews show up fine – the audio controls for listening in-page, download links, and embed links are all there. But for whatever reason, this new page isn’t working with my browser. Hmm. A big ask I know, but I’d be ever so grateful if you grabbed the MP3 download link from the page and pasted it in here, assuming that’s possible and doesn’t break copyright / publishing rules. Many thanks, in advance. :-)

This one also has a link at the bottom: I’m not sure why you’re not seeing it, but I’m putting it here in case your device is misbehaving :).

https://www.masocast.com/2021/06/17/ferns-on-lockdown/

Ferns

I WOULD spruik the hell out of that :P.

Glad you enjoyed it :).

Ferns

SHUT UP I HATE YOU SO MUCH *goes and sobs in the corner*

Ferns

Don’t let him fool you: He only sounds super cool because she is carrying his worthless arse :P.

Ferns

That’s really mysterious. I came across few profiles who joined in May 2021 but join link takes to some shitty site (not alt.com) BDSM personals designed by a clueless noob .Just out of curiosity joined the site. Every time I run a search it logs me out and prompts to login again stuck in never ending loop. I was away for long time and hid the profile .Even for unhide I need to wait for approval.

You went to the slosh and that already takes energy so I completely understand that the further step of making nice with a cute stranger was beyond what you were up for.

And big yes to the ‘buffer’ idea. I love not-introverts for not just being willing to do that, but enjoying it :).

Ferns

Sure: It’s Ferns Darkbyrd (but fair warning, I’m not really talking to anyone in there: I’m just fucking around doing my own thing :)).

Ferns

To be honest, I use my submissive dearheart as a buffer a lot of the time.
I’ll direct him, and then let him do a lot of the heavy lifting with small talk.
Then I only interject when I feel like it.
It makes for a much more pleasant experience!

I did not, but Telstra still owned the infrastructure here for internet, so they were involved anyway.

Ferns

Oh! How is it that I’ve never heard of it? I figure there are few enough big femdom sims that you’d kind of hear about them all sooner or later!

If I ever actually, you know, feel like TALKING to people, I’ll check it out :).

Ferns

Everyone clearly *should* have a soft spot for me: Those are the rules! :P

SL is an odd beast and fascinating for all sorts of reasons. Chat rooms on steroids, with graphics of the fantasy-person you always wished you could be (the endless variety of looks and the choices people make is interesting for a whole set of *other* reasons. I saw an unbearably cute ‘bunneh’ girl the other day, complete with large twitching ears and bouncy bunny tail: Completely adorable. I wonder ‘who are you behind there and where did the bunny-girl come from?’).

Ferns

Please tell us you are not getting a Telstra landline (obsolete) or (gasp) are on their mobile service. So many cheaper, better options ..

The whole concept of SL always eluded me (GF a loooong time ago worked with the company) but…femdom?! Well, then. I may just have to look into it now.

Glad to know that my favourite stalker hasn’t abandoned me :).

And yes, I choose submissives who do not at all need me to make them feel worse about it when they get something wrong. They’ll 100% do that to themselves: Punishments absolutely help to draw a line under that shit :).

Very pleased you enjoyed it <3.

Ferns

Thanks :)).

Who knew I had so much to say about kissing?!
(everyone… everyone knew this :)).

Ferns

Thank you so much: I’m so glad you got something out of it.

And please, if you have questions, ask away (though you may be waiting a while for your answers in the next podcast :))

Ferns

I especially like the way you handle the punishment aspect. One thing I really liked about it is that you view punishment, not as retribution or a fit of pique, but as a way of closing out a settled situation…

And kissing is always good! Of course, I’ve never been kissed like a shark hitting a cage but I bet it’s awesome… Especially from a giantess!

Anyway… I’m sitting here, eating corn muffins and drinking beer and this just made my night.

Thank you Ms. Ferns. I am grateful that my butt-plug experiences amused you. It also amused my SL Mistress. She liked to put it in me and then tease me about it.
I have to admit that I enjoyed being her “Manpet” (that’s what she called me), in a way that I am not sure can be replicated in real life. When she created my avatar she gave me a body I would not have chosen myself- creating a manpet to please her, not me.
I actually started on SL in 2010! And, I have to admit that you are right, there was a robust femdom community even then. I found a couple of Femdom Groups early on (but cannot remember the names). I just found it very difficult to learn the rules- and most of the mistresses in the group had a harem of slaves. It was very hard to meet anyone there. That’s why I ended up going to other smaller groups that were more BDSM.

Or this one :D:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/182020933@N06/51023220263/

Ferns

Seriously, though. Look at this wonderful image:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/69833473@N02/50935731067/

Ferns

You’d be mistaken about femdom in SL ‘just starting’ 6-7 years ago. 10-11 years ago, it was already well established, so I guess you were looking in the wrong places.

The language of SL is hilarious to me: “she bought me a butt-plug with a bell on it, but it was incompatible with my penis- so whenever she wanted me to wear it, I had no penis…” LOL.

“I wonder if it is easier now to find a willing Domme on SL?”

I suspect it’s not any easier (Roth contacted me on Fetlife, for the record), and if I think about it for a hot minute, I suspect it might even be harder now. SL isn’t in its heyday any more (a quick search suggests that in 2013 they had a million active monthly users, and a couple of years ago, it was about half that). If that’s right, I expect that’s reflected in the femdom communities.

Ferns

I’m glad it brings back good memories :).

I think the tech changes have been astounding.

I really have no idea what’s possible now compared to then because I’m only scratching the surface (but none of this functionality is new: I had these tools in my inventory from way back when), but I imagine it’s a lot more sophisticated and there’s much more scope if I dig around.

Ferns

It is :). Especially for a really old one (2008!).

I looked for the best and newest femdom-related pictures (some SL photographers take astoundingly good pics), but the newer ones were all copyrighted.

Ferns

My understanding is that you can still turn off RLV altogether in your viewer if you want out. I know some people with velcro collars end up in the forums with ‘my mistress who I met 2 seconds ago locked me into a collar and hasn’t logged in for a month. Halp!’ :DD

Ferns

NOBODY is ever anywhere near Australia…

Ferns

I’m so glad you’re getting something out of it. I think it offers huge value for many folks, for community, validation, education, connection. It can be wonderful.

There’s a lot of silliness also (I mean, it’s the internet after all), and a worry when people try to take SL experience into real life because they think they’re the same thing (and yes, I have seen that and it would be funny if it wasn’t so dangerous).

I had a lovely submissive in there for a while way back when, and used to joke that he picked the wrong dominant because I don’t play in there (I don’t have the imagination for it): Last I heard (ages ago!) he had met some lovely local vanilla woman and was building a relationship with her <3.

Roth's story is coming soon :).

Ferns

The avatar stuff has changed SO MUCH. I imagine that once the new tech gets properly bedded down they will simplify it, but right now it takes multiple random pieces to put an avi together and then they sell clothes and accessories and such that only work on certain combinations of those things. It’s VERY confusing.

Also most of the stuff in my inventory no longer works because of all those changes.

There can be no more perfect an arse than yours. Never!!! :)

Ferns

Noted :).

Ferns

It’s already ruined, you just don’t know it yet.

Ferns

Good luck.

ruin my life?

I would wait forever if I have to, Ma’am

You’re welcome :).

Ferns

There’s a line, so you’ll have to wait :).

Ferns

“Her dominance will NOT exactly match your fantasy.”

Yes, but her dominance will have the advantage of being authentic.

I feel like you missed the point of this post.

At any point does it matter what the sub wants and needs?

It’s not the case at all that women don’t want to know what their subs want and need. They do: They will ask, they will listen, because that’s BDSM 101.

But that doesn’t answer the question ‘how can I help my partner be more dominant?’ which is what I’m addressing here.

“Why does Femdom work differently than M/f types of relationships?

Well in ‘caring bout what your submissive wants and needs’ and all of that, it doesn’t.

But I’m going to answer this in a wider context: F/m works differently (and comes up against different problems from M/f) because (generalisations coming!) men have been socialised to advocate for themselves, their desires, their needs, and wants since forever, while women have been socialised to be pleasers, to be nice, to listen, to be accommodating. It takes very little effort to tweak that into D/s dynamics where she’s the caretaker and the nurturer and the giver and the emotional labourer and the service top and etc etc.

The default for new dominant women coming out of those norms is often ‘man says what he wants, woman does it’, and while that will be fine for a while, it will make neither of them happy going forward because it’s not the D/s dynamic either of them wanted.

Breaking out of that pattern often isn’t easy, and when it doesn’t go well, many submissive men will go straight to ‘tell her MORE of what she should be doing [to me]’ to try and fix it because they genuinely think it’s helpful.

It’s not. It doesn’t work and will never work.

TL:DR; The answer to the question ‘how can I help my partner to be more dominant’ isn’t ‘tell her MORE about your wants and needs’, and that’s why I don’t talk about it here.

Ferns

A bit bland, perhaps, but might help initially.

Yes, exactly :).

Ferns

I believe that would be a positive feed back loop. She tries something new, the results work for her, that encourages her.

No doubt. Two smart, awesome women who encourage safe sex, healthy relationships, good communication, and for people to be true to themselves.

Elderberries! :P

Ferns

Heh. Right?! :)

Ferns

You’re so welcome.

Skilled pro-Dommes are wonderful for exploring these feelings and having these experiences safely and obviously much more easily (and by ‘easily’, I mean both practically and emotionally).

Hopefully the things you are learning with her are giving you more confidence and self knowledge, and maybe lessons you can take into a personal relationship when you’re ready.

Ferns

I’m glad you found something that works for you and your partner: That’s wonderful :).

I think there is also a big problem around ‘how to communicate what you want to a newbie dominant’, especially one to whom you have introduced D/s (like a vanilla partner).

As Regina said, the ideas have probably been swimming around in the submissive’s head for years, and when they talk about it the words they use are ones they themselves are wholly familiar with, but which are terrifying and confusing to new dominants. “Slave”/”full control”/”humiliation”/”chastity”/”whips” etc etc. Even ‘submission’ is a scary word, and one google search away from ‘aw hell no’.

It’s tricky stuff to navigate and I think many men don’t have the tools to do it well.

So kudos to you for managing it :).

Ferns

Great points, thank you so much for adding them :).

Ferns

To me, D/s is a journey that two people take together. The journey shaped very much by both parties, openly exploring the hidden byways of each other’s sexuality and psyches. Indeed, so little of it for me is sexual, at least overtly so, even if there is always that energy present.

In life I ended up having to go down the pro-Domme path either because I was too afraid to go this way with a mainstream partner (this is what I really suspect–a personal failing when I was younger that I didn’t have the confidence to let go) or because getting any relationship to work is hard, let alone a D/s relationship, which has added internal and external dynamics in it.

Your efforts to educate us all are much appreciated.

If I ask about something and I’m rejected, it’s on me to work through that. I don’t keep asking. I’m not going to find the secret combination to the mythical Pandora’s Box of Kink(TM). I don’t keep explaining it. It’s done. If she changes her mind, she’ll bring it up.

She leads. I follow. I take great pleasure in doing things she wants, things that make her happy, or things that turn her on. If she does something I like, I tell her. I encourage her. I don’t direct her. This isn’t a porno.

Listen to Ferns. “Be more submissive.”

First, submissive men who want their partners to be “more dominant” have probably been thinking about submission for a long time, maybe decades. But a newbie Dominant wife — this is all new to her. So to the point Ferns makes, give her space — lots of space. Give her time to wrap her head around the idea, especially if your relationship is longstanding. This is a big change and she needs time to process it.

Second, I want to shout from the rooftops Ferns’s advice “to [let her] figure shit out in her own way”. Her dominance will NOT exactly match your fantasy; I guarantee that. So this is where the rubber meets the road: are you submissive? Do you want to submit to her? Or are you looking for an animated dominatrix doll. Hint: the more you push her down a specific path, the less dominant she’ll feel, and the less dominant she’ll behave. So choose wisely!

Finally, understand that if you’ve introduced the concept of D/s into an established relationship her primary emotion may well be fear. You’ve flipped the script and she’s probably apprehensive about what it means. Will you end the relationship if she doesn’t knuckle under to your desires? Think this notion through, and be prepared to offer the reassurance you truthfully can.

The same has just happened to me.. can anyone track down my new CS friend for me and help me get alternate contact details? I’m gutted he keeps messaging me and he feels I’m ignoring him – IM NOT! Xx

This is my abridged version of a more informative and detailed profile.
I am an experienced birthright vocation servant. I do not do this has a hobby are kink.
I am a pay my own way servant and that does not imply paying pro domes.
That means I pay my adopter/guardian for my board and lodging and utility bills.
I am willing to comply with a number of legally enforced power exchange enactments when legal documents are signed. This enhances the employer/adopters rights of control over me and keep[s the busybody wolves away from the door.
I seek a live in, 24/7 situation where I am constantly available and for mutual convenience. Remember I pay my own way.
I also have and will continue to have a fully comprehensive insurance package that provides for every lifetime calamity situation as they arise.
I work variable but usually long hours each day.
I receive no time off whatsoever because my type of servant gets no vacations.
I already own my own home which can be rented out for long periods.
I can and will relocate if required.
I am a qualified Chef with a Diploma.
I am a qualified Therapeutic Masseur with a Diploma and practice license.
I am a qualified Gardener with a Diploma.
I am a qualified Housekeeper having worked in hotels.
I am a general handyman with certificates but never formally apprenticed in trades.
I have been legally subject to voluntary power exchange enactments.
I have legally consented to my human rights and personal freedom being withdrawn.
I have signed a voluntary worker agreement with employment rights waiver.
I have signed a durable power of attorney.
I have signed one adult adoption agreement.
I have undergone a legal name change chosen by my adopter/guardian.
I have been tattooed with a small discreet ownership insignia.
I was in a power exchange relationship has an owned live in male chattel subject. These legal power exchange enactments were a voluntary worker agreement with employment rights waiver, irrevocable general power of attorney, and adult adoption agreement.
I was in service for 9 years 4 months until my lady owner’s sudden demise. She neglected to make provision for my transfer to another owner in the event of such a catastrophic event.
I slept a rested in a locked cage at night in the otherwise empty closet space.
I had to endure prolonged painful disciplinary sessions has required.
I spend most of my time confined indoors and went out under escort.
I was required to be completely naked and was shackled doing my housework.
I visited the doctor and dentist each twice a year under escort.
I have my own private source of regular income from a legacy which is controlled.
I wore a locked collar and a locked made to measure chastity restraint device.
I am adopted by a married couple both now deceased.
I know nothing of my birth family.
I deliberately shun making friends so that I can concentrate upon servitude.
I have my own up to date comprehensive insurance policies.
I regularly organized and prepared buffet luncheons, dinner and super parties.
I regularly cooked normal breakfast, luncheon and dinner for my lady owner.
My lady owner was a commercial lawyer.
I was treated at all times like owned property and kept under strict control.
A close personal friend remained in the home supervising me until she got home.
I have known since early childhood who and what I was but could not act upon it.
I searched for many years before finding this lady who was very dominant.
I have always felt ill at ease with freedom it does not suit my personality.
I feel safer and much more secure in servitude than being in freedom.
Exposure to freedom actually pollutes my psyche and depletes my submission.
I thrive upon servitude and it competes me and so makes me feel valued and useful.
You would have carte-blanche sovereign dominion over me to do has you please.
I was required to live a life of enforced celibacy but my genitalia belong to the women who own me in future and it is up to her to decide if they will be utilized to pleasure her.

Yes to all of that :). Glad it resonated with you.

Ferns

Delighted to help, and yeah, what you describe is NOT legit at all. Actual-for-real women do NOT behave this way.

They are 100% setting you up to either ask for money to prove your sincerity/buy a training kit/pay for a hotel room/somethin’ somethin’ or to threaten to out you to all and sundry unless you pay them.

Good on you for trusting your instincts.

Ferns

So glad I found this thread because I’m already getting a creepy feeling about a recent interaction and I want to cut it off early if it’s not the real deal…which I’m pretty sure it’s not.

Found a domme on Ashley Madison who immediately wanted to switch to email (without ever even checking out my profile). Not necessarily a red flag yet, but then her first very long email didn’t even acknowledge the message I sent her. Seemed like a very detailed (but very provocative and sexy) form email. The warning bells in my head started going off. I responded expressing extreme interest in becoming her sub and then got the longer email describing everything she’s about (with good spelling and grammar) along with 8 what seem to be stock questions (what do I do for a living? Any form of disability? Does anyone know about my kinky lifestyle? Have you ever been a slave? Are you ready to be totally devoted 100%?…etc). Then at the bottom is a last paragraph that seems to be added with language and grammar not as good…like written by someone else and asking for pictures (even though I had pictures on Ashley Madison that they never asked for or looked at). Now I get that there could be a general email and list of questions that a legitimate Domme in the lifestyle would ask any potential sub, but this is when I decided to do some research and found this thread. I feel like if I respond with answers to the questions and photos, I’m getting myself deeper into a scam and closer to the next email that asks for money like everyone else is discussing.

(honored) I don’t need to know your reasons. If the reasons were technical or public speech related, please consider a paywall to keep your content published. Of course, I have selfish reasons of my own.

As someone interested in writing about my experiences and fantasies, I found the entry particularly helpful. I learned I’m NOT interested in being in First’s place. But it was so hot. I still don’t know what that means. But I want to keep exploring and learning.

I’m delighted someone recommended my content, and welcome :).

Thanks for the note about the dead link: I unpublished a bunch of older posts because REASONS, so there are some links-to-nowhere around the traps.

Ferns

If you want any help with web stuff, let me know. I’m also subtextualized (noob) on fetlife.

You’re NEVER going to stop thinking of Kirsten Dunst :D.

Ferns

Thanks so much :).

Ferns

That’s a perfect description. Ferns really does capture the contrast of experience for domme and sub. Just like…. damn I’m going to stop thinking of Kirsten Dunst at some point maybe.

I’m not sure what you’re asking here: There’s a link to my BDSM checklist in the first point, but for more detail about the entire process, you’ll find it in my book :).

Ferns

Mutual fun is always best, one sided fun is immature

I hope i don’t get caught up in between

“Or maybe she’s the real deal and I’m dropping the ball here? LOL”

LOL. Yeah, this is a super common scam, so common I mentioned it specifically in this post.

Though I did laugh out loud at ‘DVDs’. Like, have they been using the same scam text for the last 20 years :P?

Well done for not falling for it.

Ferns

here’s one of the emails….
“This payment is simply to get all necessary toys,slave Dvds and Costumes for our sessions and The kit costs $950 although there are cheaper items but I always advise we use one of good quality to have a better experience.
it’s the same items we will still be using in subsequent sessions so you only have to do this once.
I am not a one night stand mistress and want a long term relationship with my slave. After you’ve done this, we will work out a suitable time and arrangement for our first session this weekend,you will pay directly to the sales rep. I use reason because they have a very limited edition of toys I like and they will be customized and branded with our names on it just to my taste. , so once this is done you have nothing to worry about..
if you are serious as you say, let me know if you are willing to proceed now so i give you the order# and the sales rep details for payment
I await your response now.”

I wrote her back and said I had no idea this would cost that much and to buy one before we even meet? lol sure thing hun.

Or maybe she’s the real deal and I’m dropping the ball here? LOL

You’re most welcome, and thank you for your thoughtful comment: I’m delighted that you enjoyed it :).

Ferns

Entirely on-brand :).

Ferns

Seconded :).

Ferns

That’s wonderful feedback and thank you for it :).

I’m so glad I could help in some small way.

Best of luck to you and your Domme (if she’s new-ish, she will get some value out of my ‘how to’ books for new dominants :)).

Ferns

Ha! Me too :).

Ferns

You’re so welcome. I hope whatever changes you make serve you better :).

Ferns

3 days is a reasonable amount of time to invest in figuring out if someone is a scammer, is even remotely compatible, or any other thing. So take that as a given.

Check their social media, their fetlife activity, their history of online activity.

If there isn’t any, or it’s all fantasy-based and sexy pictures? Then it’s unlikely to be an actual-for-real woman looking for a connection because actual-for-real women looking for connection are generally tapped into *some* kind of community, and know very well that if they do that, they’re not going to get quality connections out of it.

And if you really can’t tell and this is happening over and over, then get out into your local real-life community. I promise you: This stuff only works online.

Ferns

Thanks for that: Love the ‘single handle for multiple heads’ idea :).

Ferns

Bahahaha! I only just realised that it really does sound like I’m a morning person and I’m really shocked by that, frankly.

My brain doesn’t fire well in the morning and I’m grumpy if someone is trying to talk to me, but a fixed and familiar routine is a kind of muscle-memory low-effort start to the day.

I think having the luxury of letting my body say ‘yeah, kinda done with this sleep thing now’ vs an alarm rudely going ‘GET THE FUCK UP!’ makes a big difference tbh.

Ferns

Thanks Sean. I do have it all down pat. I don’t NEED anyone to do anything for me, but it would be a sweet form of service.

And yes to all of those great ideas.

Also lay out & put away my yoga mat, put toothpaste on my toothbrush… :).

Ferns

I’m like…

Slap at alarm when it goes off
Cover my head with my pillow
Go back to sleep
Flop noisily out of bed and stomp to the bathroom when I absolutely MUST

*laugh*

I am NOT a morning person. ;)

Please trust me when I say that it’s not ‘most likely’ that they are scammers. They ARE scammers.

Not a single ethical findom behaves this way.

If you genuinely can’t tell, and you are actually handing over money to these scammers even though you know the truth, please delete your account entirely to put yourself out of their reach.

Ferns

I set up a second Instagram Account for my kinkier side recently, and within about 2 days Ive been contacted by at least 12 “dommes”. There is maybe one honest findom in there, although Im not sure about it, since my account is pretty much empty right now. The odd thing that sticks out though; every single one wants me to pay 50$ to “set up a contract” to become their slave or whatever, and luckily I got suspicious early. I paid once (and for whatever reason got a refund although Im really really sure that its a scam, since she asked for 100$ for the “BDSM council” afterwards.
Even though I know theyre scammers most likely, and maybe even the same person, (like they try to pressure you into paying, saying things like: goddess is waiting/ you have to obbey every command!), I still feel a bit obligated to do what they say, which really, really sickens me.

That is a VERY good question and if I was on top of these things I would have noted it down somewhere, but I didn’t :/.

Ferns

Yeah, It works for some and not for others. Shame that :).

Ferns

Thanks Daniel.

I can definitely vouch for Midori as an exemplary educator (I’m not familiar with Shay): There are many MANY great educators who do all sorts of great work and are worth following, but that’s not where I’m aiming with this.

But I’m specifically wanting to point people to ‘live & free online BDSM classes’ here, which are something different

If either of the folks you mentioned offer them, please link to where people can access those classes.

Ferns

I do say ‘cunt’ a lot: It’s such a great word.

And yes ‘lucky bastard’ just about nails it :).

Ferns

Thanks Sean: I can make any word sound erotic. It’s one of my gifts :P.

Ferns

The other person is Shay, of https://www.stefanosandshay.com/. They are a team, and my slave adores Stefanos, who is like a bombastic circus ringleader! Shay is more thoughtful and well, I dig chicks so… They maintain individual Twitter accounts, Facebook accounts, etc. so they are easy to find and follow. They are out of San Francisco, CA, USA.

A wink and a smile,
Daniel in New Mexico, USA

I think you were very coherent :).

Ferns

Boo for feeling it too :/. And I can see why ‘dislocated’ makes sense as a descriptor.

Ferns

I did try to think about writing a more coherent response, but my brain power in getting coherent thoughts out is pretty much out the window. I so relate to all you said.

“Meh-nui-aise” LOL.

I thought that with some capital G Good news & hopeful possibilities opening up, this heaviness would lift. Feels like it should be lifting. I feel guilty that it’s not for me, not least because I literally have nothing to complain about here: My loved ones and I are safe and well and have not been materially impacted by any of the terribleness that has hit others.

I think folks are going to struggle in various unexpected ways in the months and years to come, and we’re not going to see how that really plays out for a while. I feel for those who have mental or emotional or financial or other material impacts to deal with on top of the general widespread trauma response :(.

Ferns

‘Ooof’ is right!

Ferns

Meh-nui-aise.

Or some such.

(Not to be confused with mayonnaise.)

But, yes: “struggling to find the emotional space for the bare minimum” — I’m there too.

Tip o’ the hat to you for trying. The small things feel overwhelmingly huge right now.

And she finally tried after 3 days of playing “Am I real? Am I not real?” with me I’m suddenly getting trusted enough to deposit a bunch of cash into my account.

Sigh.

Ma’am? Is there anywhere to look for real people anymore?

It’s a game of numbers, and many scammers are organised, so quite possibly it’s not an individual but a group. It’s less work than you think to engage people who are naïve and eager, so no matter if you say ‘I’ve got no money’ or ‘I’m not interested in paying’, it’s no skin off their nose to keep sending messages until they’re sure it’s a dead end :/.

It used to be that a reverse image search would out a lot of scammers, but with technology now, that will only catch the really lazy ones (cat or no cat) :/.

Ferns

Its…crazy tho for someone to put this much effort into it. She sent me a pic of her self and her dog, in response to sending a pic of me and my cat. Like normal people do, right? The face matches the alt com profile shot.

All this time talking to me when I’ve been up front about being just a guy getting by on disability. There’s no big payout for stringing me along..?

Who DOES that kind of thing?

It’s a scam. Not one I’m familiar with, but anyone asking you for money for stuff for your blossoming relationship is a scammer (because I already know she didn’t say ‘go out and buy them’ right? She said ‘send me the money and I will buy them off my special supplier who does very high quality gear, that’s why it’s expensive’. Amirite?).

You could try saying, “I’m happy to bring the first collar to our first meeting :)” and see if it results in a rant about how you’re not a real sub and etc like the one in my post.

Sorry :/.

Ferns

If you are being set up to buy five training collars, each a progression in status but still–all at once and I’ve only got one neck. Is this a thing? I want this to be real damnit.

omg she tried me a few days ago. that name exactly?

We’re all ultimately looking for a way to justify sticking with idea it’s cool to like .. Mr Bean.
This is honestly a great moment in cinema …

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXS1LMaU7TM

was not supposed to be a reply to this (rather wonderful) comment.

My god, if I was a cold war bomber pilot I should not be trusted.

We’re all a bit crap in one way or another. Only thing that can help us through it is god damn banging classicalist musics.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0C7ZoSCaiY&feature=youtu.be

*laughs*
Coug

There absolutely IS a middle ground, and it’s not uncommon at all.

My point isn’t that an entire spectrum of relationships doesn’t actually exist. It does.

My rant is about the fact that we aren’t good at educating new Dommes about that spectrum right at the start of their explorations.

Ferns

A wide variety of things:
* The feeling of doing right by her sub
* Validation from all the BDSM resources that she’s being a ‘good Domme’
* Comfort in herself that she’s doing the right things, winning at being a ‘good Domme’
* Seeing her sub get everything his little heart desires, which makes him happy
* Her sub’s delight and affection in the relationship
* Approval from the community for being a ‘good Domme’
* Being comfortable because the relationship has a lot of traditional, familiar patterns
* The warm fuzzies of always putting her sub’s happiness at front-of-mind
* Knowing that she’s doing a good job caring for her sub’s well being
* Strengthening the relationship with her endless giving
* etc etc

Ferns

I expect pandering has never been your problem :).

Ferns

Unless a woman is being paid as a sex worker, what does she get out of it?

If the answer is “nothing”, why should she bother in the first place?

I agree there needs to be a middle ground between the two extremes in femdom. I admit that I don’t know what that looks like. My problem is that I don’t know how to get my needs met in a style of relationship that is all about my partners wants and needs. Actually, it seems that even in vanilla relationships I end up doing everything I can to make sure my partners are happy while my needs are ignored.

I’m a switch so it’s interesting that the two relationships I’ve had on the left side of the slash and the differences between the two. I really enjoyed learning what my subs desires were and how to press thier kink buttons and being able to control things so that we both get exactly what we want and need fulfilled. I don’t know if the level of interest I take in exploring my subs and thier fulfillment was catering to them; but I got just as much out of it as they did and I think I got to know them better than anyone else has ever known them which was a special privilege for me. I guess I am hoping to find a person who wants to have the same interest of finding what’s deep inside me and letting me be able to express, show, and give that to them. I don’t know if that’s a reasonable thing to think exists in the universe.

I don’t know what my point is anymore but I think it’s that there should be more examples in femdom that exist between those extremes.

This pandering thing seems to be job training for a pro-domme.

As an outside observer, it is kind of strange though that D/S relationships offer the greatest opportunities for honesty and deeply felt commitment, but that’s not really what many participants really want – they seem to want a fantasy service.

Meanwhile vanilla relationships battle through with D/s elements (all of them, I swear – I’ve observed this as an amateur scientist) and the ones that make it through “as sound as fuck” understand that the other is as important – or more – than they are.

I think there’s a paradox in our behaviour. You want to be dominated in a way you particularly like as a man? You find a woman who’ll do that or you leave, like a god damn casual no good shopper.

Meanwhile, as a normal type of chap, you find a woman you want to be with and make happy and you’ll crawl over broken glass for her, no matter how much of a Chad you are.

As always, nothing makes much sense. And one that note, a nice tune:

https://youtu.be/y0C7ZoSCaiY

Me too :).

Ferns

Yes!! That would be amazing :).

Ferns

Boom-tish! :D

And yeah, they do. And I imagine it works out just fine for the vast majority, but better to be informed of potential risks than not.

Ferns

There are many, and also people who see other people doing it, so assume it’s perfectly fine without doing any research.

Ferns

Totally a trap :P.

Ferns

Hard same!

(and you’re welcome :))

Ferns

“while I glide around above shouting bad advice from a position of safety and ignorance.””

LOL

And big YES to ‘teams’.

Ferns

I think anyone who’s been around a while can see the alternative: If we’re still around most of us have (hopefully) moved well past that bullshit.

Not sure if you’re kidding about the suit thing there (I hope so!), but changing outfits doesn’t go any way to addressing this issue…

Ferns

“catering to cishet men’s patriarchal socialization (even subby men’s socialization) is frankly NOT IT.”

Touché.

I’m really glad that it didn’t take you very long to get past that nonsense. I think some folks can and do just go ‘nah’, but I think many struggle to navigate it. Like ‘this isn’t what I expected or wanted, but everyone keeps saying this is ‘how it’s done”. Rage-making!

Ferns

I think that makes sense: The ways to have these relationships is infinite.

And funny you should say that about gentle femdom: I talk about that in my new podcast (‘what does that really mean, is it necessary to label that, etc’) :). It’s not up yet: Waiting for My Fabulous Man Who Knows Everything to do the transcript, but soon!

But yes, I’ve seen a LOT of discussions about how GFD has morphed into ‘catering to men’, even though it really wasn’t the intent when people started using the term. Maybe all roads lead there, but then the question has to be: Why?!

Ferns

I’m so delighted that you found something that works for you and yours :).

I think that many folks DO find relationships that work for them, but the fact that they have to wade through a bunch of black-and-white bullshit to get there seems just an exhausting waste of everyone’s time and energy.

Ferns

Yes! That’s so tough: I’m so sorry you had to deal with that :(.

I think there’s two types of unproductive messaging:

1. Dommes are there to do all the stuff to their subs (and they better be super hot and creative with their scenes and have the right outfits/toys and speak in the right tone of voice and be domly in all the correct and true ways).

2. Dommes are responsible for everything to do with the relationship and every aspect of their submissive’s happiness: If there’s even a hint of your sub being unhappy you better be sure you’re not being an abusive arsehole!

To me, the first is easier to counter than the second. The first is straight out of fantasy land (that doesn’t actually make it less hideous, it just makes it easier to understand and deal with).

The second comes out of well-meaning and necessary education about consent and responsibility and hoo boy, that makes it super insidious to discuss with any nuance because we (as ‘community’) are really not good at nuance. At all. Ever.

We absolutely need be clear where the line is so we don’t cross it, but when the line is drawn so tightly that ‘anything you do that your sub doesn’t like is abuse’, we create a burden that dominant women will pick up and carry until it’s so heavy they just have to drop it. And when they get to that point, many will back out of F/m altogether rather than be thought of as a ‘bad Domme’.

Ferns

I should know, I’ve watched all my friends crash land for years (best ones successfully I’ll happily add), while I glide around above shouting bad advice from a position of safety and ignorance.

D/s like any relationship is about being a team.

Don’t be in a team with anyone that doesn’t want to be in a team with you.

/Glides off ignorantly into an artificially simple stratosphere….

By the word “boss” I mean in the sense that one can have a boss/supervisor at work.

Perhaps a new domme could get into this mind set by wearing a suit? I can imagine a woman in a suit assigning tasks.

I’m fairly new as a Domme (about 3 years) and it didn’t take me very long to sift through the nonsense about constantly catering to my sub’s needs. That’s not the job description. If his submission doesn’t serve ME then what is the freaking point? Otherwise that puts me in some 1950s Housewife thing and if I wanted that, I’d be into it. My personal politics and worldview play a big role in how I process and manifest my Dominance, and catering to cishet men’s patriarchal socialization (even subby men’s socialization) is frankly NOT IT.

I feel like I currently sidestep this because I don’t see my entire relationship that involves D/s through a lens of kink. I also have an almost entirely vanilla relationship, and I have similar expectations in both for how I want to be treated and to treat my partners. The one involving D/s just has another layer to it.

But my D/s is almost exclusively sexual. I only have an interest in exerting control in my relationship that involves kink in as much as my vanilla relationship, which is a lot, but is just because I’m a control freak.

It all makes perfect sense to me, but I’m not sure if it will to anyone else.

i vacum the house, wipe everything down, do all the dishes cook, rub the feet, help mistress bath, hold on to her for walks and hikes, mon tior everyones health every day. i get to cum as needed how she decides with kinky actvities she decides, thou petplay stuff in some form is going on 24/7, run the errands, budget her money to pay the bills, arrange trips, run our mosque, hawza and hussaynaia, we go about 40her/60me on our son who still needs bathed teeth brushed at 9, and iam taken care of emotional, finically, and kept safe and given a purpose. being owned has enriched my self.

i get to walk 5 miles daily, 2 hikes a week, use the credit card for stuff, and read when there isnt something that needs done. alot of times i take an early morning nap after prayers and misstres gets our son up, but i never get to dicate.

i am not saying subs should be tortured or abused but subs exist to take of and obey their domme, subs should not top from the buttoum or control the realtionship

just my opinion

And it’s just gross. I generally find it just another way that women are expected to “serve” men (in our hypersexualized, gender-stereotyped society) – only now we’re expected to be in charge, in the hottest lingerie, making a guy “do what we want” – but only if it’s the exact same thing that he wanted to do anyway? It makes zero sense.

Thanks Mason (I was very much hoping you would pop by to answer this question!) :).

Ferns

Actually, yes!

“Boy” is Bella’s preferred title for me, and “Mistress” is the title she prefers for me to address her by.

It’s totally heart-warming. I love these stories so much :).

Ferns

The two complemented each other, but not in the way demanded by society.

I think that some women are take charge types.

And some men are inclined to obey women-call it a talent or gift.

Right? :)

Ditto the squabbling over the TV remote tbh :).

Ferns

It makes me super happy also :)).

Ferns

Some questions for you:
– Is the shaking a good thing?
– Is this kind of punishment within your negotiated and agreed dynamic?
– Is he planning to do this only with your full informed consent (including CNC force play)?
– Can you opt out of this punishment if you don’t feel safe?
– Do you trust that he can do this without causing you harm?
– Do you trust him to keep you safe during and afterwards?
– Does this relationship make you feel safe emotionally and physically?

If the answer to ALL of these is ‘yes’, then great: Go on with your good selves.

If the answer to ANY OF THOSE is ‘no’, then you need to nope out in whatever way you can.

If you have a healthy relationship then saying ‘I don’t consent to this, we need to talk about it’ will be sufficient to discuss your concerns. If you don’t feel like you have that option, then you need to get right out of that relationship altogether because any dom who refuses to discuss your genuine concerns does not have your best interests at heart (and that ‘punishment’ does sound concerning on the face of it, and the fact that you are asking this question here also makes me concerned).

Ferns

“We did stop squabbling over how to load the dishwasher.”

Love it!

Well that offer is ALWAYS on the table :).

Ferns

I mean, an offer to read your books.

Heh: I assume by ‘offer’ you meant ‘info’ :P.

You’re welcome.

Ferns

:) of course
Coug

Coug

Best compliment :)).

Ferns

This is my opinion in my opinion only. The line between BDSM and abuse essentially boils down to trust. If you’re in a loving relationship that’s beneficial to you both then if there’s a problem then you should be able to work that problem out. That’s always been a hard limit for me. I have no problem at all doing whatever my significant other tells me to do except finances. If I was not secure in finances then that point of insecurity would drive a wedge between us to the point that we would break up. This all goes back to Safe sane and consensual. One issue I have with femdom is the whole women are superior number. When women are no more Superior to men than men are superior to women. If an individual is more dominant or more submissive by nature and they given a relationship it’s just that relationship. Doesn’t mean you’re smarter or Dumber doesn’t mean you’re stronger or weaker all it means is you’re different . Vive La difference is my motto.

Thanks paltego :).

Gotta be honest with you though: “I’ve been zapped with no issues” isn’t the reassuring thing it sounds like. Pretty sure the vast majority of people who used shock collars around the neck (or who have done any other high risk activities) didn’t have any issues either.

If people have all the information about risks from a credible medical professional, they can decide for themselves.

I’d be interested in the power differential between those e-stim devices and dog shock collars, and what the cut-off is for ‘safe’ vs ‘unsafe’ (maybe dog shock collars at level 2 are the equivalent, I’ve no idea). Though frankly, I’m not interested enough to do the research :D.

Ferns

http://www.femdom-resource.com/2020/07/12/remote-fun/

Unfortunately they are a lot more expensive that a dog collar.

I’ve been zapped hard by these kind of devices in all sorts of delicate parts with no issues. Although the neck is obviously still a no go area.

-paltego

There is a lot of misinformation about dog shock collars. First of all, they are like static electricity, very high voltage with low current. High voltage stays on the surface of the skin. Lower voltages, like a battery, penetrate deeper tissue. So, the shocks I get are on the surface of the skin.

We play with the shock mechanism strapped under my balls. The scrotum is not just skin. It is also thin muscle tissue. That’s what makes men’s balls tighten or hang low. The shock from the collar makes the muscle briefly contract a little when I get a shock. That’s the extent of the physiological reaction. The shock is very uncomfortable. Sensitive nerves in the skin react. Unlike other pain, the sensation only lasts for the duration of the shock. It’s weird, but there is no residual sensation.

I’ve done electrical play for many years as a top. Many sensation toys use micro-current. My favorite as a top was the Folsom Box. It can produce orgasms in women with little effort. Some men can get off with that toy. I never could. These electrostim toys can also induce sensations like the shock collar.

From a psychological view, it’s amazing. You can be across a room from your bottom and press a button that will make him jump and try to avoid making a loud sound — in public ;) As both a bottom and a top, I think this play is big fun, and it’s safe.

I love this idea! My wife rings a bell when she needs me but this system fails when I am out of hearing range. We have pondered the use of a remote shock collar but I thought the mechanism looked too bulky to attach to my balls. I like the notion of being ‘on call’ for service, anywhere and anytime, with the press of a button. And love the notion of watching her reach for the remote to bring me to my knees, or zap me in public, with no regard for the pain, discomfort or humiliation she may be causing. What make/model of shock collar do you use, Caged Lion? Meanwhile, I will certainly research the medical risks.

I’m delighted that it resonated.

“Unity of prey and predator” is a wonderful phrase to describe these kinds of connections that can be made in that space.

Ferns

Sounds fun :).

Has anyone in the medical profession written about the risks of electrical shocks to the balls? Even if there’s no visible damage, I’m curious if there are risks to any internal structures, or to fertility?

If you know of any resources please link me: I’d love to be better informed about it.

Ferns

Certainly not around the neck.

Ferns

Your post has helped me process through that a bit, and helped me to be more at peace with this truth. Thank you.

I think vibrations are much safer than electrical activity/shocking. I actually think some dog collars do have a vibrate mode: Worth checking out the safety of vibrations specifically.

Ferns

It really does.

The most accessible and easy-to-find femdom content out there is for-money and it therefore caters to the stereotypical ideas of ‘what femdom is’ because that’s what consumers (ie mostly men) will pay for.

Ain’t nobody gonna pay for femdom content full of love and sweetness :).

Ferns

Glad you enjoyed it :).

Ferns

I loved that also :).

Ferns

Look, sacrifices have to be made! I’m good with it.

Ferns

That sounds perfectly reasonable. I mean, unless it was a huge list and your sub is nude to fit the entire list, then I can see their point…

Ferns

Thank you so much :).

Ferns

Yes and yes :).

Ferns

Yes, I have run into the same thing. There were even erotic emails. Then she mentioned the “financial commitment” of the equipment. There were really no other red flags up until then. Everything seemed real and it was personalized. Locations made sense. But then this request. She seemed to get mad. If it helps, this is Mistress Ann.

It’s amazing how much media colors people’s expectations isn’t it? I really like the idea of body writing as something warm and loving in a dominant sense rather than just a humiliation thing. The same is true with so much of femdom. Because the more violent stuff is easier to capture and market to a wide audience, it gets the most attention. But there is so much that’s missed. Casual cuddling with the occasional bite, head patting, everyday life that’s subtly flavored by the dynamic. It’s all so beautiful and fulfilling, but gets drowned out in the popular imagination by the spectacle of extreme sex.

I did not know that! And yes, I definitely need to rewatch.

Ferns

Yes!

Ferns

Yes, needs to be rewatched. It is 22 years old.

The director obviously enjoys spreadsheets too: “The Pillow Book is divided into 10 chapters (consistent with Greenaway’s love of numbers and lists) and is shot to be viewed like a book, complete with tantalizing illustrations and footnotes”
Sean @truthbarephoto

I’m so glad you enjoyed it :).

Ferns

Hee! It is!
(Full disclosure: I had to go and look that up to understand the reference)

Ferns

So tantalising :). The options for it are endless.

Yes, it was so beautifully done: I need to watch that movie again :).

Ferns

Thank you so much :).

Ferns

I’m delighted to hear it :).

Ferns

Hee! I need much more than ‘seasonal adjustment’ :P.

I used ‘has no D/s’ as a ‘not in a relationship’ indicator (which is already deeply flawed) and I *think* my nebulous ‘complicated number crunching’ bit in the middle included looking at ‘what level of D/s they would like’ which was in my survey also.

Of course ‘has no D/s’ + ‘would like some’ doesn’t equal single and looking: In the absence of more reliable information and without adult supervision, I made a whoooollleee bunch of indefensible leaps. I am not to be trusted!! :D

And thank you to your husband who I am sure is so full of personal connection already that he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself (until you tell him) :).

Ferns

For example – I know my husband thinks you rock… I’m sure there’s a closet submissive in there… but I’m (pretty) sure he’s not looking for a personal connection.

(These ICYMI posts are veritable treasure trove)

I suggest you read my advice again.

For someone who’s looking ‘to have fun for a little time, either everyday for a few hours or for just a few days each week’, it stands.

Ferns

You’re so welcome :). I’ve never seen cockatoos so close up before: They are huge!

All is well over here, thank you :).

Ferns

I’m so glad it was a pleasure, and yes: So beautiful :).

Ferns

I recall a comment that a pro will be straight forward about answering questions regarding her business.

What are the signs that a woman is a life style domme?

In truth I am less ‘protector’ and more ‘appreciator’, but thank you :).

Ferns

That’s very Star Trek.

You are as wonderful as you wish to be. Which is to say …..

You’re very welcome, and I’m glad my post/s helped :).

And yes, I’d be very interested in how the conversation went. Feel free to email me if it’s too long to post here :).

Ferns

Thank you for this article. I updated my age before new years 2021 and got stuck in update hell. Reading this at least made things clear. I was talking to someone I liked. If anyone can send a message to her on my behalf It would be a big help. Please send me an email, if you are willing to help. samaelof@yahoo.com

Welcome! I’m glad you enjoyed it.

There IS some kink content in here somewhere :)).

Happy new year!

Ferns

You’re most welcome, and thank you for the good wishes :).

Happy new year to you and your loved ones.

Ferns

You’re very welcome :).

Ferns

You’re most welcome :).

Ferns

Oh Rylie, this sounds awful, I’m sorry you’re going through it.

You say you ‘have been in D/s dynamics for over a decade’, but I have to assume you don’t mean THIS dynamic with THIS dominant, which means you have a basis for comparison, no? Because what you’re describing is an issue that shouldn’t be coming up if you have a healthy, functioning relationship.

1. Your feelings are valid
2. Your dom has broken your trust
3. Your dom has taken no responsibility for the above
4. Your dom shut you down when you wanted some clarity and reassurance

Any situation where a dominant breaks their part of your agreement, and then you reach out to clarify and get reassurance and the dom then THREATENS the health of the relationship to shut you up, is bullshit.

I obviously have no idea what kind of relationship you have where ‘going away for 12 days without saying anything’ is even a possibility, but it’s clear it’s not a romantic primary relationship because then this wouldn’t happen. I’m guessing solely a D/s arrangement?

If you want my advice (given I don’t know him at all, take this with a grain of salt), when you see him next ask to have a relationship chat with him and tell him how all of this made you feel. Ask him to recommit to this part of your agreement (which was NOT onerous AT ALL, JFC). His reaction to you doing this will tell you A LOT.

I’m not sure how hard you want to go on this, but honestly, a relationship (ANY relationship, but especially D/s) is based on trust, and if you can’t trust your dominant to keep his word on his agreements with you, and if he doubles down on that by not apologising and not addressing that situation that caused you distress, then I’d be questioning what level of concern he has for you overall.

I wish you the best of luck with it. And happy early birthday!

Ferns

Normally he’s very good about telling me changes in schedule. He knows I have anxiety, of which I take medicine for and attend therapy (which he is in full support of, as he also attends therapy and is an advocate for mental health).

My pleasure (the video worked for me on different browsers, so I think it might be you :/).

I’m so glad you got to see your family: And good luck with the return to work!

Ferns

It was, and best wishes to you also, greg :).

Ferns

(I’m not sure if it’s on my side or not, but the YouTube video didn’t work.)

I was happy that I was able to spend time with a portion of my family over Christmas when at first it seemed like I wouldn’t be able to. Now I’m just dealing with the holiday hangover feelings of not wanting to go to work tomorrow.

Yes!! :))

Ferns

Thank you. And yes: It is indeed stunning here :).

Ferns

If scammers get a good mark, the payoff is worth it, I imagine. I also imagine that scam organisations have standard scripts that are really not much trouble to slightly customise and send out to engage men’s dicks so that they’ll pay for more :/.

“So, she agrees to move forward in the dynamic, less the transactional parts. Or in other words, she’s working for free now. Everything is all fine and good for a while, but then the “sub” gets bored and moves onto someone else, to work the same scheme. This may not exactly qualify as “scammer” activity, but it sure is a mind fuck when it happens.”

I’m sure there are some awful people who do this solely to get free service, but I also think moving from pro/client to dom/sub would be challenging on many levels that could cause this to happen.

Not least is the fact that no matter how well they get on, the bottom line for professional interactions is that it’s the pro-domme’s literal job to behave in ways that make her client happy, and obviously in for-real not-paid interactions, that’s not how D/s (or any relationship) works.

Clients fall in love with perfection, some version of their ideal domme, always ready to play, to be pleasing while pretending to be in charge, to be delighted by ‘whatever sexy fun times’ their client enjoys, and they do this really well every single time they see each other.

I can imagine that when reality hits and she has her own actual life, with needs and wants and desires, that’s a huge adjustment and suddenly she’s no longer ‘the perfect woman’. Now suddenly she doesn’t want to play every time they get together, or she’s moody because that’s who she is, or stressed because she has shit to deal with in her life, or she wants things that aren’t catering to his desires all the time, and probably plenty of times she just wants to chill on the couch and watch Netflix in her fluffy slippers when they get together.

That’s a HUGE shift in the relationship: Multiply that by all the normal life hours vs the time they were spending in sessions before and you have a huge adjustment to make.

So yeah, I’d guess then we’re in the realm of ‘relationships are complicated, shifting from pro/client to gf/bf is hard, and often things don’t work out’ as much as the more cynical ‘he’s running a scheme’.

Also for clarity: I have ZERO experience with this, I’ve just seen enough clients fall in love with their pro-dommes to know exactly how they experience those interactions, and it’s easy to see the challenges that a change out of paid sessions into real life poses.

Ferns

But, I also wonder if you have any thoughts on when this happens in the “opposite” direction. I’ve had pro-domme friends that turned out to really liked a client, and their client seemingly fell hard for them too. So pay for play continues for several weeks until the client asks, “What is this? What are we doing? Am I not special? Aren’t we something more?”.

To the pro-domme who genuinely enjoys this client, she’s only doing a disservice to herself if her interactions with the client are limited by how much the client chooses to spend and what specific services he requests.

So, she agrees to move forward in the dynamic, less the transactional parts. Or in other words, she’s working for free now. Everything is all fine and good for a while, but then the “sub” gets bored and moves onto someone else, to work the same scheme. This may not exactly qualify as “scammer” activity, but it sure is a mind fuck when it happens.

Thanks so much: Merry Christmas to you and yours also :).

Ferns

Merry Christmas. :)

Glad you liked it :).

Ferns

Thank you so much :).

Ferns

The site is deader than dogshit. Meaning, no new accounts are being approved. The last new account of a female domme in the United States was in September 2020.

Thank you for the lovely compliment :).

And yes, I do have words of wisdom about joining me on patreon :).

I completely understand that people are concerned about their privacy: It’s perfectly safe to support me over there with your normal paypal or CC. Here’s why:

• The only information I see is your email and the display name you choose. I don’t have access to your real name or any payment data
• The charge on your credit card will be a generic ‘Patreon’ line item: The name of any creator you support on Patreon doesn’t show up anywhere
• Patreon is a mainstream platform: There are literally millions of content creators on there from religious groups to musicians to ‘that guy who shows you how to build a car’, so there’s nothing about your pledge that even hints at NSFW content

I hope you’ll join me over there :).

Ferns

Relatedly: do you have any words is wisdom for the paranoid among us about joining you on patreon? Would it be ok or foolish to use one’s regular PayPal? Should I get a separate one with a prepaid card?

Thank you: Glad you enjoyed it :).

Ferns

Absolutely :).

Ferns

I’m glad you enjoyed the travel summary, and my website :).

I have indeed been to France, Portugal, and Spain, though I’ve not spent a lot of time in any of them (that’s a vague measure, but I’d say ‘a lot’ has to be measured in months, surely): I wish!

Ferns

I don’t know any more.

Life is about mistakes.

Basic things that everyone can do, it makes me want to scratch my head and answer with a “yes and…?”

A submissive isn’t hard to find ,arguably a good one is however.

Agreed: The ‘service’ and ‘gift’ language sounds transactional and cold.

I’ve seen enough of her writings and comments in discussions to believe that if she revised the book now, she would rethink her choice of words because it’s a distraction from the crux, and I know she’s had quite a bit of pushback on it.

It’s still one of the few books that is genuinely from a dominant woman’s perspective though (even after all these years!), and for that, it’s a very valuable antithesis to all the ‘how to do F/m’ books out there that focus on pandering to the submissive’s kinks while gaslighting readers into believing that doing that is about power and authority.

I really need to write my own higher level ‘how to’ book :).

Ferns