I was going to post more today and do a huge gallery of chicks with in red, white, and blue bikinis sporting major boob salad, but then something happened. The sun came out. I hadn’t seen it in a month, so I went outside to bask in it’s glory, and guess what? The clouds just rolled in. Fuck you clouds.

For those of you who live in a part of this country that actually has nice weather more than two days a month, I hope you catch your wife getting diddled (consentually) by your next door neighbor this weekend. What can I say, I grumpy and I’m bitter. I don’t play well with shitty weather.

As for everyone else, enjoy this 4th of July weekend. Don’t drink and drive. Besides the sex, that’s the other reason you have a girlfriend. So you can get as shitfaced as you want, and you’ll always have a sober ride home.

Before I sign off until Monday, I left a treat for you guys after the break. It’s probably the coolest firework trick I’ve ever seen, and if you get your mom to do it, make sure you take a picture and send it to me to post.

Post from: Don Chavez

Last Call: Time To Celebrate Your Independence

ELK GROVE, Calif (CBS13) - A local teacher accidentally put pornography into a DVD that was meant to be filled with school memories from the past year, and nobody caught the error until after it was sent home, shocking parents and students alike.

Parents of students who attend Isabelle Jackson Elementary said that the woman is a good teacher, but just made a mistake that may become the most embarrassing moment of their life.

The offending DVD starts with a menu screen that displays various school trips and functions, and when you click on one of them, you see kids in a classroom sharing stories. They start clapping, then the video suddenly cuts to sex.

And so overnight Crystal Defanti went from school teacher to Internet porn star. She’s probably mortified and embarrassed, and her teaching career is over. Well, she has been fired or quit yet, but showing up in September probably isn’t going to be a good idea. Sure, parent-teacher conference attendance rates would go up, but I just think Crystal would be more of a distraction than an educator.

Hopefully Crystal will get a call from Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. If there’s anyone that can spin a story like this into a “I do nothing but get paid for it” career, it’s those two clowns.

Post from: Don Chavez

The Crystal Defanti Sex Tape - Teacher Gives Students A Show

This product is hilarious and I think it’s safe to say that Max Appel takes some massive power dumps. It’s just a shame that Billy Mays isn’t around anymore to pitch this product. Can you picture him and Sully coming up with the plan for a product demonstration?

Post from: Don Chavez

Aahh Toilet Paper Foam

He might not have been on a skateboard or rollerblades, but that guy definitely smashed his face so that counts as a faceplant. How about the second guy that almost got run over? I bet you anything sharted.

Post from: Don Chavez

Faceplant Friday: Truck Edition

Post from: Don Chavez

I Can’t Wait For The Weekend Dumper

Post from: Don Chavez

Fiesta De It’s Still Raining

I just witness a real live bum fight. It wasn’t my first, but I’ll be honest I probably haven’t seen one in six years.

At first I wasn’t sure if I had a bum fight on my hands, or if it was two guys just messing around with each other. They were standing near the entrance to my building and they were doing karate. I’m talking some real Billy Ray Valentine karate, so I thought they were kidding. That was until they started throwing punches and pretty much blocked me from getting into my building.

So I stood there wondering if I should get involved or say something. Nah.

As they scuffled around entertaining me, I managed to get to the front door without disrupting this battle of epic proportions. I then stood there sipping my coffee and debated in my head as to who I should root for. One guy had a Patriots jersey on, the other had a Sox jersey on. That’s a draw. One guy was tall and the other was short. Alright, I’ll root for Shorty the underdog.

My mind then went into blogger mode. Why aren’t you fucking recording this? You’re readers are male degenerates who love this stuff! That’s when I realized that I couldn’t record the fight because T-Mobile sold me a piece of shit that died this weekend. So now you have to suffer through all of this text, and if you’re like me you hate reading. But if you’re not like me, then you might still be reading this because I’ll tell you that there’s no way I’d make it through all the text above. Shit, I wrote it and I can’t even be bothered to go back and read it in hopes of catching any spelling errors. I say spelling errors, because fuck grammar.

So where was I? Words, words, words. Ah, so Shorty landed a wallop right on the other dude’s neck. Talk about an awkward place to get hit, that’s like somebody kicking you in the bicep. Then I started to realize that there’s a 30/70 chance one of these guys have a gun, make that 40/60, and I’m a prime candidate to be the winner of July’s “got hit by a stray bullet” contest. Did this phase me? No.

After another twenty seconds of haymakers being thrown a girl pulled up in a piece of shit car, yelling at Shorty to get in the car because he has to go to work.

What?

One of these motherfuckers is employed? As in, he has co-workers? As in, he probably handles your food at a restaurant? As in, I thought the economy was shitty but this guy can hold down a job?

And that was it. He got in the car and left. The other guy tried to stop him but Shorty’s bitch put him in his place. And like Keyser Soze…he’s was gone.

Post from: Don Chavez

I Just Saw A Live Bum Fight

When I saw that this was a trick shot, I though she was going do something really cool with the shaft of her driver. I guess I was wrong. Give me 12 pack of Bud Lights, a Sony video camera, and Sony Vegas Movie Studio and I’ll hit this shot in a crowd of 50 people 10 times out of 10.

Post from: Don Chavez

Chick Disrepects Beer Bottle With A Golf Ball

You know how I know you’re gay? You just thought, “no they don’t”.

This pornstar twit was from the crafty Flower Tucci, who you can follow here.

Post from: Don Chavez

Pornstar Twit Of The Day

When someone says Katie Price (Jordan) and pump in the same sentence, you’ve got one thing on your mind right? Errr, the gas station.

How does shit like this happen? I’m in the top 5 percentile of all assholes and I never let a skirt pump gas. The only thing I let a chick pump is me.

Look at the face of that gas station attendant, he knows he f’d up. If he had hustled up and pumped her gas, he probably would have gotten a cheap feel as a tip. And by cheap feel, I mean she might have accidentally brushed her boob salad against his back, but only because her cans are fake so she can’t feel when they’re rubbing up against something. It’s a hazard of the fake porn star vocation.

Post from: Don Chavez

Katie Price Gets Pumped