donald james simpson / unbalanced

BLACK FRIDAY IS HERE

2009-11-27T08:54:00.002-05:00

AND SO IS MY NEW VIDEO
sorry I've been away so long. the fucking Corn Monster
has gone and caught up with me and stuff. I'm dealing
with a ton of personal shit at the moment, yup... but I'm
going to try to get back into a regular writing habit soon.
hey, in the mean time, though, well, enjoy the new video...

PENGA, MY ASS

2009-10-09T05:07:00.006-04:00

HALLELUJAH, MOTHERFUCKERS!
fuck. really? 2 months? don't know what to say, except that
my Summer has been filled with Nurse Dish, ice cream, hot
dogs, Insect Zoos, Underwear, and... The Corn Monster. yup.
so, then, what the living fuck am I here for now... ? umm. it's
5:00 am, i just got off a night shift, my boss is a FuckTard. ?
no shit, fuckin' 'tarded. no love lost for the fuck, let's just say
the world's gonna be a better place when he dies. you bet...

FULL METAL PENGA

2009-08-05T17:30:00.002-04:00

FULL METAL VERGA
anyone who's ever seen this movie will surely understand.
anyone who speaks Spanglish will definately understand.
Private Joker. Private Cowboy. R. Lee Motherfucking Ermy.
you bet. yup. boyo!

JURASSIC PORK

2009-08-04T06:00:00.002-04:00

90 FOOT DINOSAURUS REX...
... it's Jurassic. it's Pork. hey, it's Jurassic Pork! holy fuck,
a 90-foot Dinosaurus Rex? here, in Washington, D.C.? oh,
my. serves me right to wait so long to check out the local
landmarks and attractions. wait a minute, that ain't right
at all! I made a concerted effort to visit the Smithsonian
Institute 3 years ago when I first got to this area... only to
learn that the State of Virginia is too fucking cheap to put
a sign or two on the Interstate telling you which exit you
are supposed to take to get there. fucking bastards. yup.
needless to say, the $200 I had set aside for that special
day went for something other than the sightseeing prices
and souvenirs I had planned on buying. ya know what,
though, I went this last week. it was almost as good as I'd
heard. good thing that original two hundred dollars went towards liquor...

THE GREAT OUTDOORS

2009-08-03T05:32:00.004-04:00

THERE'S NO INTERNETS HERE...
... but, that's okay. spent some time camping in the foothills
as part of the old Vacation, which was really good. the only
down side was that there's no internets where we were at.
not like that's even such a bad thing, since I have a habit of
being glued to my lappy. anyhow, this is a nice State Park
in Pennsylvania, but we never smelled any Yorkels, which
be a real good thing. yup. sun, fun, scenery and fresh air...
... ya can't stress the importance of fresh air, ya know it?

FUCKED UP ROAD TRIP

2009-07-28T04:39:00.003-04:00

WE'RE ON THE ROAD TO NOWHERE
which means we've taken a wrong turn somewheres or other.
I'm here to tell ya, this ain't good. looks like the old Vacation
is about to take a turn for the worse, there, campers. ya know,
it's a good thing we brought along a few trinkets and such, as
we just might need it to trade with the natives... I know we've
got some beads, blankets and shiny metal things that are sure
to grab their attention... but, hey, what if they need Plutonium...
or, maybe a Rocket Launcher? oh, man. Holy Cameltoe, Batman...

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

2009-07-27T08:15:00.003-04:00

WATCH OUT FOR THE SPEED TRAPS...
... 'cause they're out there, that's for sure. them sneaky cops,
those shifty constables, them sidewinding troopers, those co-
vert sherriffs and deputies, them stealthy asphalt detectives
are all out there, making America's Roadways safe... or, not.
fact is, most of 'em don't give a fuck about making the roads
safer, or else they'd enforce important issues like proper sig-
nal usage, equipment violations, and aggressive driving. oh,
and they'd be making a concerted effort to get the bastard
fucks off the road who have cell phones glued to their heads
(we use Bluetooth technology, here at unbalanced). no, the
idea here is these fuckers with badges are trying to generate
revenue for their piss-ant little towns and unpopulous (and
unpopular) rural (read: BumFuck) counties, since most of
'em are inbred and relatively uneducated Hillbilly fuck bas-
tards who Can't Understand Normal Thinking. so, stay on
your toes out there, campers. your liscense depends on it... yup.

SUNDAY DRIVE ™

2009-07-26T20:55:00.001-04:00

MAKIN' A BIG SPLASH

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DON'T TAKE THE KIDS...

2009-07-25T14:18:00.001-04:00

... OR ELSE.
or else they'll end up just like Lobster Boy, here. that's right,
this is the kid who's vacationing with myself and Nurse Dish.
my own personal observation? avoid taking the youngsters
anywheres near a Korean BBQ, ya know it? first of all, they
appearantly have no clue what BBQ actually even is... and,
second... well, let's just say that when they run out ouf Beef,
they cook dog. when the dog's gone, they go for the cat. after
cat comes rat, and then the shenanigans start. oh, one other
thing~ hey, if ya gots to go to one of these joints, keep the old
drinks to a minimum. we had a pitcher of Margueritas, and
damn near lost the boy, here. good thing for my Lucky Tae
Kwan Do-Do Bird Astrology Kung Fu Mood Watch. and my gun...

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

2009-07-24T12:25:00.003-04:00

ADIOS, PICARD.

SHTEIN CENTRAL

2009-07-23T07:35:00.006-04:00

FESTIVAL OF SHTEIN...
... well, this may be the Summer of Fun for me. I haven't had
a real vacation in years and years, but I'm on one right now.
not a Sabbatical, mind you; no, friends, this here be a tried &
true, bona-fide and Honest-to-God Vacation, with a capital V.
woo-hoo! now, that said, it's been a logistical headache, what,
with tryin' to get work caught up enough to actually go AWOL
from the shop for a week or so (NOT), then, with getting all of
the preps ready at home. Nurse Dish is here for 10 glorious days
of Fun in the Sun, along with her Boy, who's never been to the
D.C. area. oh, my. we started things off with a bang... then, we
took the Boy (who we'll refer to as, "Lobster Boy") to a Festival
of Shtein, as evidenced by the Collection of Shtein Boxes, up in
the image above, there. oh, yeah. Music. Food. Games. Stench.
um, did I say, "Stench"? yeah, well, I guess I did, ya know it?
Stench, and Flies, yup. ya know, I feel like Clark Fucking Griswold about now...

EXCUSE ME...

2009-07-13T06:22:00.002-04:00

... WHILE I KISS THIS GUY
Help me... Help me... nothin's worse than a botched batch of
song lyrics. case in point: "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix, the
song on the radio the other day ("Excuse me, whike I kiss the
sky") whislt I passed by the local Haberdasher a couple miles
or so from home, at which juncture in the Space-Time Contin-
uum I realized what had been eating at me about this distur-
bing little ad they have on the side of the building: these two
are as gay as they get (not that there's anything wrong with
that). um, what's next, there, Butch? the old "Pull My Finger"
Trickster? a Same Sex Marriage Rally? or, maybe, a quick
rendition of "Hide the Salami"? our guess would be the latter.
either way, we won't be doing any shopping at said distributor
any time soon. they should put this next to a Burger King, ya
know it? that's 'cause The King really creeps me out and stuff...

SUNDAY DRIVE ™

2009-07-12T21:12:00.001-04:00

DEATH CAMP & WINE BISTRO
BARBIE ACTION PLAY SET

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THE SIXTH SENSE

2009-07-06T06:22:00.002-04:00

McSENSELESS KILLING
NFL Quarterback Steve "Air" McNair has been killed in an
appearant murder-suicide involving his drunken girl-friend
of extra-marital proportions. shot twice in the chest, and as
if that wasn't enough, twice in the head. the good part is that
this should be it for a while, the second third celebrity death
in the last couple weeks or so. the bad part is that it didn't in-
volve the Evil Baldwins or Tom Cruise. well, that's life. no, er
that's death, I guess. yup. maybe now Mr. Death Takes a Holiday?

SUNDAY DRIVE ™

2009-07-05T05:07:00.000-04:00

VERY FATTENING...

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PORN on the 4th of JULY

2009-07-04T03:21:00.003-04:00

LAND OF THE FREE

HOME OF THE BRAVE

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Happy 4th of July. now, get Butt Naked...

SUMMER FUN

2009-07-03T14:01:00.001-04:00

IT'S SQUIRREL SEASON...
... so, grab your favorite shootin' utensil(s) and head on out
to the Great Outdoors. ya gots to make sure about a couple
things, though~ 1) make sure the squirrels don't see you or
they're gonna run... and, 2) make sure any other hunters in
the vicinity do see you. hey, lookit~ we don't want someone
to accidently blow your brains out, ya know it? now, go on,
and use all your safe gun handling practices out there. or, not...

SNEAK ATTACK THURSDAY

2009-07-02T07:47:00.001-04:00

SATAN SNEAK ATTACK

REMEMBERING 911

2009-07-01T19:13:00.005-04:00

I WANNA DEDICATE THIS SONG...
... to Al Quada. for all your foolish mis-givings about the so-
called "MartyrDom" you seem to want to achieve, let me tell
you something: you are a batch of murderous fucks. oh, and
by definition, the so-called "Human Condition"? well, it calls
for a little Human Trait known as "Empathy", of which you
filthy cocksuckers showed NONE to the people you decided
to MURDER blindly on 911. here's the poop: you WILL burn
in Hell, you mis-guided, uninformed twats. fuck the LOT of
you. say~ I fucking DARE y'all to show up at my door... I've
got a 12-guage double barrel, loaded with electrical box slugs
just sitting by the door, which I would be more than happy to
discharge into your foul subhuman asses. ask Hammer about
"Coin Shot". oh, yeah. that's gonna rip you a new ass-hole, Jim.
yes, we remember. yes, we think about it. yes, we still talk of it.
DIE IN AGONY, YOU FUCKING BASTARD TWAT FUCKS.
THEN, BURN IN HELL. GOD ALONE KNOWS YOU DESERVE IT.
this Editorial brought to you by donald james simpson / unbalanced.

AL FRANKEN

2009-06-30T06:03:00.004-04:00

IS NOW A U.S. SENATOR

click here

THE FIFTH ELEMENT

2009-06-29T05:25:00.002-04:00

IS BILLY MAYS...
... not Leeloo, Ruby Rhod, or even Korben Dallas. no, friends,
it's none other than Pitch-Man Extrordanairre Billy Mays, the
man on your TV screen who told us all about Oxi Clean (not a
pimple medicine, that)... who has suddenly kicked the bucket,
after being bashed on the head during a real tough landing at
a Tampa airport. sounds like some kind of Sci-Fi film, but, we
here at unbalanced predicted more Celebrity Deaths here, a
few days back. true, we were (not so) secretly wishing it was
gonna be Paula Abdul, one of the Evil Baldwins, or, possibly,
even Tom Cruise, but, no, it had to be this guy. well, Rest In
Peace, Billy. we're sorry you were offed by a piece of wayward
carry-on baggage, which bashed your skull when the tires blew
out on your US Airways plane, causing all Hell to break loose in
the cabin of the plane, and likely causing you an Anurism in the
process. tough break, there, Big Guy. you're Number Five of Six.

SUNDAY DRIVE ™

2009-06-28T16:23:00.001-04:00

ALL IS WELL

2009-06-27T13:28:00.003-04:00

BUSINESS AS USUAL...
... the last couple days, well, the TV has been basically
inundated with silly Shtein relating to the King of Poop.
wow. pretty much non-stop, that. hey, but things are
starting to get back to normal, following the demise of
that freak... at least, as normal as it can be around these
parts. speaking of parts, looks like old Rex, up top, there,
might be missing a few, ya know it? stay tuned, campers~
the Big Blog will be up as soon as Flickr gets back on-line...

THE KING IS DEAD

2009-06-26T06:15:00.002-04:00

KING OF POOP CRAPS OUT...
... in case anyone out there lives under a rock or something,
singer, songwriter, unconvicted child-boffer, surgical freak,
and reknowned baby-dangler Michael Jackson has croaked.
sources are citing Cardiac Arrest as the immediate cause of
death, but it wouldn't surprise me to find out later that old
Jack-O, there, overdosed on man flesh and nut-butter he
attained whilst working a glory-hole at Neverland Ranch...
... no, that wouldn't surprise me one little bit. Adios, Jack-O.

LONG LIVE THE QUEEN

2009-06-26T05:45:00.002-04:00

WAIT, SHE'S DEAD, TOO...
... that's right, the Grim Reaper was double-dipping
today, snapping up Farrah Fawcett, along with the
King of Poop. you bet. this, on the heels of the deaths
of David Carradine and Ed McMahon~ I thought this
was supposed to happen in threes, ya know it? so, if
this is four, do we double up and go to six? oh, my. if
that's the case, I hope Paula Abdul is next... then, one
of the Evil Baldwins, or maybe Tom Cruise. that'll work...