Donor Eggs Journey

Good News, Bad News

2012-01-22T20:27:00.003+11:00

JBB went to the cardiologist on Wednesday and thankfully, he has been cleared of damage to his heart, so far. We go back in another 6 weeks so that they can make absolutely sure that nothing has changed, though they said that any damage at this time would be very rare indeed so I am very relieved and very hopeful that he will be fine. They have said that he can do sport and anything and that the only thing will be is that it will be an additional factor for heart disease later in his life. We have resolved to be very careful of our eating and exercising habits to pass these on to JBB.

On the bad news side, my Dad has been confirmed that the lumps in his adrenal gland and where they took his lung out are cancer. He has an appointment tomorrow to discuss treatment options but honestly, I have seen him a few times this week and he does not look good, in fact, he has looked worse each day. It is heartbreaking.

I am feeling very happy and very sad at the same time. So happy that JBB has so far escaped heart damage but so very sad at the pain and suffering my Dad is going through. I am still trying not to think about it too much. Thankfully, I am working from home tomorrow, I am pretty sure I couldn't take the news that my Mum will tell me at work.

On Hold....

2012-01-17T15:34:00.000+11:00

We have had some more bad news last week. They have found a 6cm growth on his adrenal gland that was not there 3 months ago. Considering that he had melanoma and then lung cancer from the melanoma, this is pretty bad news. He had a full body scan yesterday and now we are waiting to see what the doctor says the next step is. So we are waiting.

In addition, JBB has his tests tomorrow to check that there has been no damage to his heart – we will not know the results until Monday and I am hoping against hope that he is cleared of damage to his heart but will just have to deal with it if the news is not good. He has been very good and active, so I am hoping that it means that he will be cleared but it is hard to know what is going to happen. But we are waiting.

I am trying very hard to not worry until I have something concrete to worry about but I do find it very difficult – especially when they are both important things. Add these to the waiting that I have done over the past 4 years with IVF and I feel like my life has become and interminable purgatory of waiting. You would think that after all of this time, I would have gotten better at it but it is very wearing.

My Mum tells me all the time how hard it is with Dad being sick (I honestly think that in the last 5 years, he’s had around 15 operations and a gazillion appointments) because she can’t make any plans – I absolutely know what she means cos we have been in the same place. We usually only book a holiday at the last minute because who knows if a cycle is going to happen and we have to be going to Thailand? Our Christmas holiday was cancelled, so that I could go to Thailand for the cycle and my sister asked me the other day if we were going to go next year – of course my answer is ‘who knows?’.

I feel like our life is mostly, waiting for the results of Dad’s operations and tests and waiting, preparing for or recovering from IVF cycles. We had a blissful (though not without a hell of a lot of worry) 8 months where we were waiting for JBB to be born and then another 5 months where he pretty much occupied my every thought but then it was back to work to get enough money for another cycle and the waiting began again. Now we have to wait to see what Dad’s treatment is going to be, wait to see what JBB’s results are going to be and then 6 months of waiting and preparing for another cycle.

I need some strategies to handle a life perpetually on hold – anyone got any ideas?

The Surrender

2012-01-11T20:22:00.004+11:00

Thank you to you all for your amazing support and comments, you have been a lifeline to me in a very dark week.

I'm okay and not. I'm getting there and not. We already had plan b (plus plan C and D) in place before the negative was 100%. The plan being that I will go back on my own to Thailand for another FET but not for another 6 months. We need a break, we need to regroup and we definitely need time to heal. The last few months have been tough.

I was reading a lovely website called the Fertile Heart where I saw the questions 'what if The failure of your last IVF was the key That begins to unlock the mystery of your misconceptions? What if spending time with your tender broken heart can balance your hormones and help you heal every other failure that you Have avoided experiencing in your eventful life?' these questions resonated powerfully with me and I have been thinking of them ever since. For starters it has helped me to avoid the spiral of self recrimination and bitterness that normally accompany a cycle failure and that can only be a good thing, right?

Secondly, it has awakened me to a war that I have been fighting for years, a bitter hate filled war of disappointment and loathing. The sad, dismaying truth is that I have been waging a war upon and against my body for most of my life. I say things to myself that I would never say to even my bitterest enemy. I am constantly disappointed and deeply loathe how my body looks, feels and performs. I have tried for years to beat it into submission, to bend it to be what I think it 'should' be. I never give myself any credit for the successes that my body, or even my core self has achieved, not even the fact that I carried and bore the most beautiful and perfect human being imaginable. In my mind, I tell myself that it was luck (and that he was tenacious) and that that any successes that I have had are in spite of myself and my body and not because of it.

I have also realized that this is at complete odds with the persona that I display in all forms of my life. I want everyone to see me as perfect, strong, capable and successful where inside I credit myself with none of those things. Even blogging anonymously hasn't coaxed me into realizing this or publicly admitting it until now.

So I now have a profound feeling of sadness and grief at so many years wasted at odds with that which should be my closest ally. But how to start to align myself back to, well, me? I said 'back to' though off the top of my head, I can't think of a time when this hasn't been the case though surely when I was a child there was no hatred and self recrimination there, right.

I have decided to surrender. I am raising the white flag. I'm declaring peace in my time. What comes next? I'm not really sure but firstly, I'm going to try and be friends, I guess after all, surely all good relationships begin in friendship?

7dp5dt - HPT - BFN - I know it's over.

2012-01-08T11:26:00.002+11:00

I know in my heart that it's all over. I have tested on tests that go down to 10mui and there is not even a shadow of a second line. There is also the fact of no symptoms whatsoever. I am tired, I am beyond sad, I'm over it.

5dp5dt - 2WW hell...

2012-01-06T22:14:00.003+11:00

After feeling quite positive yesterday, I did the stupidest thing of all time and that is POAS this morning. Seriously, what was I thinking? With JBB, I did not get a positive HPT (though not testing with FRER) until 9dp5dt so why did I think that I would get any kind of positive on 5dp5dt. The only reason that I can plead is that I so desperately want good news. The thought of another failed cycle makes it hard for me to breathe. I am trying, trying, trying to get positivity back but I want to crawl into bed and sleep until Wednesday so that I will know the result for sure. The waiting is absolute and utter torture.

We took JBB to the local swimming pool today and he just loves other kids - it is like a knife in my heart to see him wander over to other children because I want to give him a sister or brother so, so badly. I feel like it is my duty to him. I feel because we chose such an unusual route to have a child that it would be the greatest gift to give him for him to have someone in the family who is in the same boat. He can't talk to JourneyMan or I and us be able to understand the feelings that he has but I want him to have someone in the family that he can talk to openly about those feelings. I want them to be able to share the journey to meet the donor if that is what they choose. I will obviously be there to support, love and empathise with any feeling or situation that JBB is in and I will do my absolute best to be the best mother this little boy could have but will he feel isolated because of the situation that we have placed him in?

The decision to go to Thailand and have a baby via a donor there was made because JourneyMan and I wanted to be parents, I wanted to be a mother so desperately that I would do anything for that to happen. We would have done adoption, surrogacy, foster care or anything to make that happen ultimately. The decision to go back is not about us at all, it is about JBB and though I would never have believed it at the time, that feeling within me is fiercer and more base than any I have ever known. I felt after the 5 failed cycles with my own eggs that I had failed JourneyMan and myself but at the end of the day, we had chosen our life together and would always have each other - it would be very, very difficult but I could get over it eventually. But how do you reconcile failing your son? I can't breathe for thinking that I may fail to give him a sibling. It is literally like I have broken glass where my heart is to think that one day I may have to explain to him that Mummy just couldn't do it.

I don't know how I am going to get through the next 5 days but I am sure that time will pass eventually and then I'll know. I have trouble conveying to people how much these results mean. On one hand, a positive result (and hopefully a successful pregnancy and birth) will mean that we are done with IVF, we can actually make plans, I can get treatment for the pain that I have every day, we can save for a house, we can go on family holidays (that don't include cycles), we can look to the future. On the other hand, a negative result puts us back into the fray of saving for another cycle (and we are in a bit of a mess financially right now so we are going to have to wait at least 6 months for another go), keep going through the natural fertility treatments, not look to move to a bigger house (despite the fact that JBB barely has room to run now), in other words, we are back to a stalled existence.

I do have to reiterate that I know that we are super duper lucky to have JBB and honestly, being a mother to him is enough for me, what I can't bear the thought of is not giving him the gift of a sibling - I never thought that this feeling would be so strong in me but it gets stronger and stronger every day.

I know that people don't understand why I get so upset but we have been living with this waiting game for more than four years, really, is it that wrong to be a little tired of it?

4dp5dt - Back home with my Boys

2012-01-05T18:25:00.003+11:00

Sorry, I was going to be really good this time and update every day post transfer but despite being on bed rest and having nothing to do, I didn't really get the energy to post - very lazy on my part and I am sorry!! However, there was really nothing much to report, I mean how exciting is bed rest, not very, I tell you!!

So, I was very good and did a full 48 hours of bedrest. During that time, I mainly watched The Lord of the Rings extended editions on the iPad and reading. There was lots of reading, which was very enjoyable but of course it was very lonely without my boys.

On Wednesday night, I checked out and headed to the Bangkok airport and let me tell you, a taxi ride in Bangkok is my least favourite past time. There were no seat belts and we were going more than 130 km per hour - I was absolutely praying for my safety!! Thankfully, I made it to the airport okay, sweating a bit from the stress, but definitely okay. The flight was delayed an hour and at that time of a night it is a bit hard to take because it was such a late flight.

Thankfully though, the flight itself was pretty good, I slept most of the way which was good and got through customs and baggage claim pretty quickly and there were my boys - I was sooooooo happy to see them, I could have sat down and sobbed in the middle of the airport. I hugged and kissed JourneyMan and then hugged and kissed JBB to within and inch of his life. I have been revelling in spending time with them ever since.

We dropped in on my bestie on the way home from the airport and it was wonderful to see her and then I spent the day with my mum and JBB today at the shops and the park - it has been a really nice few days. Tomorrow, we are going to go to the pool as a family, it will be great fun, JBB loves the water!!

I have a funny feeling about this cycle - I am completely loathe to say it but I have a quietly confident feel (I may live to regret making such statements), not the panicked desperation that that I felt in the last cycle. I don't know why I feel this way, I don't have any symptoms except for the cramping which is basically same shit different day, quite frankly - they are just small ones, nothing compared to the normal ones I feel throughout my cycles. No doubt tomorrow, I will swing back the other way and be doubtful again but I don't know, it would be super nice if what I felt was correct!!

1dp5dt - Bed Rest

2012-01-02T20:55:00.002+11:00

Not much to report today as I have been on bed rest all day. The transfer yesterday went well though. In fact, I really don't think that it could have gone any better and if these things actually matter, then hopefully we are staring down the barrel of a positive result!!

I started off the day with an hypnosis mp3 and then did my yoga, another hypnosis mp3, took my tablets and herbs, had a nice breakky and then headed off to my massage and head massage. This was truly blissful and honestly, I couldnt have been any more relaxed if I tried. I removed the before transfer intradermals and marked the places where the post intradermals would go and then had a nice hot bath.

I got to the clinic in plenty of time to have lunch downstairs and then it was time to go up to the clinic. This time they gave me a Xan.anx which was very pleasant and the transfer did not hurt, thank goodness. I listened to my hypnosis mp3 another couple of times post transfer and then it was time to go back to the hotel. I had an amazing sleep last night but am now very much looking to get home to my boys.

Today was non eventful and there definitely have been no symptoms, only some very light cramps that are barely worth mentioning. Yesterday before the transfeer, the pervasive feeling that I had was that 'I'm ready', today my stupid mind has kicked into gear and now I am worried about the quality of blastys and also what will happen if it is not a positive result.

I am trying very hard to be positive but my I am finding it difficult. It is going to be a long 9 days.

Goodbye 2011

2012-01-01T00:56:00.002+11:00

It has been a year of ups and downs. The year started out pretty rough, JourneyMan did not have a job and my work wanted me back but only if they could pay me less than what I was earning before I left to have JBB. I was worried at this time, I tried to put a brave face on it but IF has a habit of leaving you wi not many financial resources and we couldn't survive for long with both of us not working. That turned around pretty quickly though, JourneyMan got a job that he is super good at, so much so that he is in the running to win a trip for us to Hawaii! I'm so proud of how he has turned it around.

Thanks to my amazing Bestie, she was able to get an interview for me at her work and I got the job and we have been working together ever since. This was a massive change for me, not only did it give my resume a boost but I got to work with my best mate and it was great fun. It was so nice to have her to talk to and laugh with at work!

JBB was the shining light of 2011 and we revelled in the changes that he made every day. He learned to laugh, say words, crawl, walk on his knees, walk and now of course if he goes anywhere, it is at a dead run! He has learned to feed himself, drink water out of his sippy cup and just last week, he learned to give proper hugs, definitely one of the highlights of my year. He also turned one and his birthday festivities were super fun. I also turned 40, which was not my favorite time of the year.

Our family trip to Thailand for cycle 2.0 was fun and it was amazing that JBB got to meet the donor, that was another great moment in the year. Unfortunately, that cycle was not successful and this also coloured the trip to Thailand, I couldn't really think of the trip without feeling like a failure. Without a moment to spare, were then onto planning cycle Thailand 2.1, we had to get in quick because it matched in with our holiday plans, so we had to cancel our family holiday to the coast and I would come to Thailand again.

The worst moments of the year was when JBB got sick. I felt numb, I could not conceive of anything being seriously wrong with him. Thankfully he has recovered well but there is that niggling in my heart until he is cleared of any heart damage, hopefully in late January.

I now sit in the closing hours of 2011 away from my family, friends and everyone I love. I'm glad to say goodbye to 2011, it hasn't been my worst year but I look to 2012 with great hope. Hope that my darling boy is cleared from heart damage, hope that this cycle gives JBB the greatest gift we can offer him, a sibling. A hope that our struggles with IF are over and we can move into our future as a complete family.

These are the dreams that I hold in my heart when I wake up to 2012. This is what I will focus on at the transfer tomorrow.

Happy New Year everybody. I hope your dreams come true in 2012.

Thai massage...

2011-12-30T19:11:00.002+11:00

Project Relax is going very well, there have been movies watched (Sherlock Holmes & Mission Impossible), baths taken (very hot because I am hoping that I won't be able to have them in a couple of days for quite.a few months), yoga for fertility done, hypnosis sessions listened to and much blissfully uninterrupted reading done - it has been very nice. I have also been partaking of some Thai massages but unfortunately for me over the past couple of days, the masseuses have been from the 'banging your head against a brick wall because it feels good when it stops' school of massage and quite frankly, I feel like I have been beaten up with a cricket bat. I have had some nice quiet time by the pool and have now retreated to my room to nurse my sore muscles.

I am also going to work on my transfer day schedule tonight and have a chat with JourneyMan and my Bestie. I need a transfer day schedule because the last transfer day was a bit of a debacle. I took all the post transfer herbs before the transfer, I completely forgot to bring the acupuncture intradermals, I got lists on the way to the clinic and was dripping in sweat when I finally got there and I had the most painful foot massage of all time. The bed rest after the transfer was laughable because there was not much rest going on with JBB romping around the place and plus, they said no lifting heavy things but if JBB was crying, there was not much that I could do but pick him up and comfort him.

The point is, these things are all within my power to change. I don't know whether they will make the difference between success and failure but I am certainly going to try to get to the transfer as relaxed as possible this time. In addition, the bed rest will be just that, rest only. So, tomorrow, I am ending my 2011 by making the final preparations for the transfer. Basically, tomorrow is really my last day to do anything because I will be on strict bed rest until I leave for the airport on the 3rd at about 9pm.

Whilst it has been very nice resting here in Bangkok (though resting and Bangkok don't usually go together in a sentence) I am still completely focussed on why I am here and that is to get JBB a sibling or two (if we are really lucky!!!).

Project Relax

2011-12-29T00:00:00.002+11:00

So, I have started on Project Relax and I have made a very good dent in it but firstly let me update you on my visit to the clinic. My lining is looking good at 7.6, the doctor was very pleased but my estrogen level was a little low so I have been given some patches along with the other handfuls of drugs that I am taking. Here is my list this time:

Progynova x 3 per day
Duphaston x 2 per day
Prednisolone x 2 per day
Chinese herbs x 2 per day
Clexane injection x 1 per day
Estrogen patches x 1 per week
HCG injection

Today was a pretty good day, I was able to focus totally on getting ready for the transfer. I had a great sleep last night and this morning, I got up and did my yoga and listened to my hypnosis a couple of times, then I went and found a place to have a massage, which was really nice. After I had some lunch, I called JourneyMan and JBB, who are having a great time!! I miss them both like crazy, plus of course my little doggie. In the afternoon, I read by the pool to get some vitamin d in and then saw a movie this evening. All in all a good day.

It is lonely though being here without my boys but that is a small price to pay of this works. I have travelled many times on my own in my earlier days and alwys enjoyed it but now that I have a family, it's way different, I feel like one foot is still at home with them. I have to focus though, this is the best gift I can give JBB and that is the gift of a sibling.

Hopefully we are one step closer to that today.

Arrived in Thailand - belated Merry Christmas!

2011-12-27T13:21:00.000+11:00

So, it has been a super busy, absolutely crazy holiday season - so much so that I haven't had a chance to post.

Firstly, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays everyone - I hope that you are having a happy and safe time!!!

I am in Bangkok at the clinic, waiting for the results of the blood test and I will have a scan soon. But first, let me tell you about Christmas and how I got here!

I finished work on Friday and then had plenty to keep my busy in the lead up to Christmas day on Sunday. I had to do food shopping, start cooking my maple syrup and apple cider braised pork belly that takes 8 hours to cook, finish Christmas shopping for my Mum (I go with my sister every year and we make sure our Mum gets a haul of pressies like she gives out to everyone else), get my hair cut and spend as many minutes as possible with JBB before I had to leave.

Speaking of JBB, he had been pretty cranky and he also decided that he was going to change his waking up time at this point back to 5am so that was a little added bonus for us. Let me just tell you 5am starts + late nights = one tired JourneyGirl!! Christmas eve was really nice. We went around to my mum and dad's to finish wrapping our present and to watch Carols by Candlelight. JourneyMan took JBB home to bed early and he was finishing putting his trike together. When I got home, we wrapped and organised JBB's present together - it was another of those moments I have always dreamed of. We have spoiled him rotten but it was worth it to see his face on Christmas morning. We had a lovely time opening presents as a family.

Also early on Christmas morning, I realised that I had turned the oven off on the pork belly on Christmas eve but forgot to put it in the fridge and it had been a really hot night. I couldn't risk making everyone sick so I had to throw it all out - very painful I tell you.

Christmas day continued and sure enough, the Melbourne weather delivered a crazy day - it was super hot and humid and then in the afternoon we had massive thunderstorms, with many suburbs having flash flooding and hail damage - it's been awhile since we had one of those Christmases. Our lunch with my family was lovely and then we went to JourneyMan's family for dinner and that was also great!! By the evening, JBB was absolutely exhausted (I don't mind telling you that I was as well!!) so we took him home and he went to bed a very happy but exhausted boy. It was a really lovely Christmas, it was all about family and that was the best!!

On Boxing day, we decided to spend a quiet day in rather than go out after the business of the day before. I had my last acupuncture session and then we had a nice walk with JBB. I spent as much time with him as I could though it seemed surreal that I was leaving for Thailand that night. We had a lovely story time and he went to bed early and we headed off to see my bestie before going to the airport.

At the airport, I found out that I hadn't brought the credit card that I book the ticket with and they wouldn't let me on the flight without it. I called JourneyMan in floods of tears and he very kindly raced home and back (we live about 45mins from the airport) - he got back in time and I was allowed on the flight but not before I berated myself hugely for being such an idiot - I remember reading that on the printout and then promptly forgot. JourneyMan was my saviour last night - he was so good and supportive, I honestly am extremely lucky to have him as my husband - he is wonderful. I also got some excellent text support from my bestie and my Mum.

So, that was why I couldn't do my normal post at the airport - as soon as I cleared immigration, they were boarding the flight. I was like a crazy woman going through the airport with streams of tears running down my face. I have done so many stupid things over the past month, mostly out of character things so I think that the exhaustion is really having an effect. Thankfully, the flight was a pretty good one and I slept alot of the time so I feel better this morning though I have gone straight from the airport to the hotel, had a quick bath and then walked to the clinic (the hotel I am in this time is closer to the clinic and it was a nice walk!!).

I hope that everything will be okay with the scan - I am looking forward to getting back to the hotel and really relaxing and getting focussed on this cycle and ensuring that I am as ready as possible on New Years Day.

I miss all my boys but hopefully, I will be able to get what we all want (except for maybe JourneyDog - I think the jury might be out for him) and bring home a sister or brother (or both!) for our darling JBB.

4 More Sleeps – what the?!?!

2011-12-22T14:36:00.003+11:00

**Firstly, I want warn out there who is still struggling with IF that this post is pretty chipper and happy and talks about Christmas with our son - I know how hard it is at this time of the year to read posts like this one if you are in the midst of some turbulent times as many of my bloggy friends are, I won't be offended if you move onto another blog. My heart goes out to you all, you are brave, tough souls - I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to recover and deal with the holidays in whatever way and I will hope against hope that 2012 will be your year!**

Seriously, I am in a time warp – although work seems to be going very, very slow – the days are whizzing by and there are only 4 more days until I leave for Thailand and cycle 2.1 and Christmas is in there – holy cow, how is that even possible!?!?!

I still have quite a bit to do. I am working today and tomorrow and then I am cooking some slow braised pork (with maple syrup, apple cider and mustard – yum!!) for Christmas day at my Aunt’s place as well as a chocolate ripple cake (most Aussies will know what this is, a very simple ‘cake’ made of chocolate biscuits and cream that softens overnight to become cake like) and a Greek salad for JourneyMan’s Mum and Dad’s place. I tried to go as simply as possible with the cooking since I am working full time in the lead up to Christmas – last year I took on a bit too much.

On Saturday, I am also booked in to get my hair cut (it’s gotten so long now that it is annoying me and it also doesn’t look good so I am lopping it off, plus you are not supposed to have your hair coloured in the first trimester and I really hope that I am pregnant in the New Year) and then am meeting up with my sister and Dad (I think he is coming) to organise presents for my Mum. Pretty much all time is booked until Boxing Day and then I am flying out that night. I am hoping that I will be so tired that I will sleep the 9 hours on the way to Thailand!!

I was at the shops until 10pm last night and then wrapping presents until 12:30am. JBB woke up when I was going to bed and then I fell over and jarred my back after I had sat in with him for about 40mins – poor JourneyMan had to come to the rescue and then had the job of getting JBB back to sleep. JourneyMan is finished work though the lucky duck!! I had to really drag my arse out of bed this morning, I am really ready for work to be over!!

All that being said, I am really, really excited about Christmas this year and have finally found my Christmas spirit!! I have had a ball buying JBB and JourneyMan’s presents, I have really enjoyed it and I can’t wait until Christmas eve to put all of his pressies out then, of course, to see his face on Christmas morning and to watch him have fun all day.

On one hand I am looking forward to Thailand and the potential that it could create for us – a sibling for JBB, a complete family, no more IVF cycles, no more having to save money for cycles, no more invasive treatments, I can get treatment for my cramps. Even the short term benefits are very nice, as much sleep as possible, lots of rest and relaxation, plenty of time to get massages and read etc.

On the other hand there is the heart wrenching, gut churning thought of being away from my darling boys (JourneyMan, JBB and Journey Dog who has no wool anymore) for 8 longs days is a very scary reality to face. I am going to miss them like crazy and whilst the positives benefits far outweigh the drawbacks it feels like the drawbacks are way, way worse. Oh well, it is only 8 days, I will get through it!!

Fate - what do you think? (6 days to go!!)

2011-12-20T15:44:00.000+11:00

I have been wondering about fate lately. When we brought JBB home from the hospital when he was sick, my mum made a comment to me of something like ‘thank God your last cycle didn’t work, the stress might have caused you to lose the baby’. When I told JourneyMan about this, he then commented that I also might have been feeling morning sickness and tired if I was pregnant and might not have been as vigilant with following up JBB’s symptoms.

I found this line of thought intriguing – is there a guiding force that determined that because JBB was destined to get sick, the cycle failed to allow me to tend to him without distraction? I guess this line of thinking is about fate and I don’t know whether I believe in fate or not. I have always had trouble believing in fate or a grand plan because sometimes it can seem so cruel – I mean, who determines the need to go through multiple cycle failures or pregnancy losses? Not to mention the other tragedies that befall so many in the world.

Does that mean that regardless of what I do, the outcome of this coming cycle is already determined? Being the control freak that I am, I feel uncomfortable with the lack of control over my own destiny that this implies (especially since I spend my time trying to influence my body with treatment after treatment!!). I have trouble grappling with the something is ‘meant to happen’ as well because doesn’t that mean that the heroin addict who gets accidentally pregnant and has a baby born addicted to drugs is ‘meant’ to happen, or that the hospital here terminating a healthy 32 week old foetus (I think it is a baby by this point for sure!!) was ‘meant’ to happen and that disturbs me mightily.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it – I would welcome opinions from anyone else out there!!

Seven days to go people!!

2011-12-19T13:59:00.000+11:00

Yes, the ticker is technically correct, it is really 8 days to go but because my flight is at 12:15am on 27 December, I really consider it Boxing Day night and thus it is only 7 more sleeps – especially because I will need to be at the airport at 9:15pm – or maybe a touch later as JourneyMan and I will be having a visit with my bestie on the way to the airport so that should be fun!! Can you believe it, this time next week, Christmas will be over and I will be enjoying my last day having fun and playing with my delightful boys. We have decided that will go to a wildlife reserve not far from our house on Boxing Day – JBB will be able to feed some of the native cockatoo’s there (though no doubt he will say ‘puppy!!’ as he calls all animals, even himself sometimes in the mirror’) and we can have lunch at the café. Later we are going to have a mock New Years Eve celebration as I will be away on New Years Eve and having the transfer on New Years Day. I am planning on us having a little dance party and a countdown to big kisses and hugs!!

The weekends seem to scream by in an instant and before I even have a chance to contemplate a post, it is all over and I am back at work again. That is where I am now and I am seriously counting down the days until I finish work, at this point it is really 4 days because today is half over and I am only working a half day on Friday – whoo hooo – it will be a great feeling to finish work!! JBB is in a complete and utter mess, routine-wise because he hasn’t really gotten back on track since he was sick and because I have been working full time – booooo. Last night he woke at 3:30am and was awake until 5am and so I have been awake since 3:30am, I am a bit headachy from the tiredness. It will be good to fully catch up on some sleep in Thailand though I am going to miss my boys terribly.

The good news is, I am very much in the Christmas spirit now and am sooooo looking forward to Christmas day with our darling boy and the whole family! I am a person that hates shopping but I have discovered a real love of shopping for JBB and JourneyMan this year, both of whom are going to be pretty spoilt!! I can’t wait to see their faces on Christmas morning!! This year, we are going over to my Mum and Dad’s place for a casual catch up on Christmas Eve and watch Carol’s by Candlelight and wrap our final presents. On Christmas morning, we will no doubt be up early with JBB and can’t wait to have pressie corner with him. Then we are back to my Mum and Dad’s to have present with them and my younger sister and her husband. Then we are over at my Aunty’s for lunch and then we go to JourneyMan’s parents to spend the afternoon and night with his family. It will be a full on day!!

We are go for Thailand 2.1!!!! 12 Days to go!!!

2011-12-15T08:42:00.001+11:00

Well, I am hugely relieved today. My lining is thin as all get out so the Melbourne Fertility Specialist has given the go ahead for the cycle, I am very excited and feeling quite positive about it. I am also feeling much better than yesterday because I had a good night’s sleep last night!! I got to bed early and then JBB didn’t come in to bed about 3am and spared me the head butts, punches and kicks!! Just on JBB very quickly – he is improving more and more every day, which is a super relief!! He absolutely hates having his asprin every night but it is worth the tears if we can minimise any damage to his little heart.

So, now that I am officially going – I feel a whole new lease of energy (it also could be the good night sleep that I had!!), I have soooo much to do but I am happy to get it all done!! I am going to miss my boys terribly but hopefully this will be successful, I will carry the pregnancy well and then we are blessed with a new baby (or two!) to complete our family and then we will be finished with IF forever!!

Here are the pertinent dates for the Cycle:

14 December – Start taking Progynova 3 X Daily
14 December – Continue Clexane injections daily
27 December – Fly our to Thailand (leave just after midnight and get in at 5:40am Bangok time
27 December – Go to the clinic for lining check and blood tests
1 January – Transfer

JourneyMan and I have talked in length about the number of embryos that we are going to transfer and we have decided on 2. This is a little bit of a risk because of the unicornuate uterus and the risk of twins but when I spoke to my Fertility Specialist yesterday, though he doesn’t agree with putting 2 embryos back (in anyone, he is all about only one all the time) but he has always maintained that the good side of my uterus is not that much smaller than normal so he said he understands our decision as long as we are willing to accept the consequences of our actions. We have discussed it ad nauseum and if we do end up having twins, we will consider ourselves extremely blessed (no doubt crazy busy and tired but definitely blessed!!).

I am still full of emotions – fear of another failure, scared of missing my boys too much, guilt because it will be nice to have a break, excitement that we have a chance to complete our family and so many more.

Bubsicles – Mummy is coming to get you!!!

14 Days to go - So Tired of Being Tired.....

2011-12-13T14:08:00.002+11:00

Surely there is a point in which you reach peak tiredness and regardless of what happens, you don’t get any more tired? I have just found out that is not the case. After the horror of the hospital, there hasn’t really been a chance to recover, life still goes on and JBB still wakes up at 6am every day. The house still needs to be cleaned, the clothes still need to be washed, the dinner still needs to be cooked and there is money to earn to pay for everything. So, I have remained tired beyond words. In addition, there has been so much to do in the lead up to Christmas (which, yay – I am actually starting to look forward to, I mean, JBB is going to have an absolute ball on Christmas day and we are spoiling him rotten of course – how could we not, he is precious!!) and with these two weeks of full time work, I seem to be getting more tired as time goes on. Last night, I didn’t get to bed until after midnight only to be woken again and again after 3am with kicks, punches and headbuts from JBB – bloody painful and a shock when you are falling asleep. So this morning, I woke up even more tired than I already was – something that I really did not think was possible. The light at the end of the tunnel for me (if all goes according to plan) I will be able to do some serious sleeping in Thailand if the cycle goes ahead.

Speaking of the cycle, I can’t help but wonder whether this ultra stressful lead up to the cycle will be detrimental to it? I wonder whether this is to do with the ‘just relax and it will happen’ comments that can’t help but seep into my consciousness but really, what matters more, being relaxed or having a good quality embryo? I mean how long is a piece of string? I think that my biggest annoyance with the whole IF process is that nothing is really concrete – there is no ‘secret recipe’ that is guaranteed to give 100% success and that really drives me crazy, no doubt it is why I drive myself crazy doing all of these treatments and such, because I am trying to control something that I have not one iota of control over. The one thing that I actually do have control over, my weight, has gotten completely out of control so I have to ask myself whether I have been focussing on the wrong thing - a very depressing thought. The good news for those exponents of the ‘relax and it will just happen method’ will be happy to know that I will have 5 days in Bangkok on my own where I will be doing nothing but relaxing (getting massages every day, reading, swimming and most importantly of all, sleeping 18 hours a day!!) so will that be enough to mitigate the stress of the last couple of months? How long does it take to recover from excessive tiredness, and does excessive tiredness affect success rates anyway?

I have found it very hard not knowing whether I am going to be able to go Thailand – it is hard to get myself ready and to push through all of the crap to realise that we are so lucky to even have the opportunity for me to go back, we have never had any bubsicles before, so it is a rare treat for us to not have to go through the whole shebang of a fresh donor cycle.

You know, what? I have felt lost these last couple of months. I have felt myself back drowning in the sea of IF but not really part of the IF camp either because we have been blessed with our darling boy JBB. The shock of JBB getting so seriously ill has really knocked me around and I find myself on the verge of tears all the time and I really don’t want to be around people because I am scared that they are going to say something that will have me sobbing – I just don’t want to be out in public sobbing. Now sitting at home watching a children’s show (for the Australians – it was High-5 – what the!??!) sobbing is a whole different animal, I seem to be able to do that fine.

I think that the biggest thing is that I just don’t have enough room in my body for all of the massive emotions that I am feeling, shock, relief, gratefulness, apprehension, worry, happiness, grief, excitement – you name it, it is going on here. Today, though for the first time in a while, I feel like I might be getting back to myself. Not so much that I should be let out on an unsuspecting public, mind but definitely, a little better.

14 Days to go - So Tired of Being Tired.....

2011-12-13T14:08:00.000+11:00

Surely there is a point in which you reach peak tiredness and regardless of what happens, you don’t get any more tired? I have just found out that is not the case. After the horror of the hospital, there hasn’t really been a chance to recover, life still goes on and JBB still wakes up at 6am every day. The house still needs to be cleaned, the clothes still need to be washed, the dinner still needs to be cooked and there is money to earn to pay for everything. So, I have remained tired beyond words. In addition, there has been so much to do in the lead up to Christmas (which, yay – I am actually starting to look forward to, I mean, JBB is going to have an absolute ball on Christmas day and we are spoiling him rotten of course – how could we not, he is precious!!) and with these two weeks of full time work, I seem to be getting more tired as time goes on. Last night, I didn’t get to bed until after midnight only to be woken again and again after 3am with kicks, punches and headbuts from JBB – bloody painful and a shock when you are falling asleep. So this morning, I woke up even more tired than I already was – something that I really did not think was possible. The light at the end of the tunnel for me (if all goes according to plan) I will be able to do some serious sleeping in Thailand if the cycle goes ahead.

Speaking of the cycle, I can’t help but wonder whether this ultra stressful lead up to the cycle will be detrimental to it? I wonder whether this is to do with the ‘just relax and it will happen’ comments that can’t help but seep into my consciousness but really, what matters more, being relaxed or having a good quality embryo? I mean how long is a piece of string? I think that my biggest annoyance with the whole IF process is that nothing is really concrete – there is no ‘secret recipe’ that is guaranteed to give 100% success and that really drives me crazy, no doubt it is why I drive myself crazy doing all of these treatments and such, because I am trying to control something that I have not one iota of control over. The one thing that I actually do have control over, my weight, has gotten completely out of control so I have to ask myself whether I have been focussing on the wrong thing - a very depressing thought. I am also not cheered by the fact that

The good news for those exponents of the ‘relax and it will just happen method’ will be happy to know that I will have 5 days in Bangkok on my own where I will be doing nothing but relaxing (getting massages every day, reading, swimming and most importantly of all, sleeping 18 hours a day!!) so will that be enough to mitigate the stress of the last couple of months? How long does it take to recover from excessive tiredness, and does excessive tiredness affect success rates anyway?

I have found it very hard not knowing whether I am going to be able to go Thailand – it is hard to get myself ready and to push through all of the crap to realise that we are so lucky to even have the opportunity for me to go back, we have never had any bubsicles before, so it is a rare treat for us to not have to go through the whole shebang of a fresh donor cycle.

You know, what? I have felt lost these last couple of months. I have felt myself back drowning in the sea of IF but not really part of the IF camp either because we have been blessed with our darling boy JBB. The shock of JBB getting so seriously ill has really knocked me around and I find myself on the verge of tears all the time and I really don’t want to be around people because I am scared that they are going to say something that will have me sobbing – I just don’t want to be out in public sobbing. Now sitting at home watching a children’s show (for the Australians – it was High-5 – what the!??!) sobbing is a whole different animal, I seem to be able to do that fine.

I think that the biggest thing is that I just don’t have enough room in my body for all of the massive emotions that I am feeling, shock, relief, gratefulness, apprehension, worry, happiness, grief, excitement – you name it, it is going on here. Today, though for the first time in a while, I feel like I might be getting back to myself. Not so much that I should be let out on an unsuspecting public, mind but definitely, a little better.

Sweet Relief and the countdown begins….

2011-12-12T23:03:00.003+11:00

On Friday, a miracle happened – JBB started to act like himself again!! I tell you the relief was palpable – I had been so worried!! I thought I was never going to see my sweet little boy come back to me but he sure has. That doesn’t mean that there are no after effects. He is still waking up screaming every night around midnight-1am and then he comes into our bed to sleep with us – I think he is having nightmares – that’s what it seems like though of course, he cannot tell me what is going on so that makes it a little tough.

So, where does that bring us now? Well, over the weekend, I had a big cook up and froze a whole raft of meals because I am working full time over the next couple of weeks. I was getting worried about leaving JBB for all of this time but I have called my mum a couple of times today and he is going very well apparently (doesn’t want to have a sleep but other than that, all good). He only has one day at day care this week, thankfully and the rest of the time he is with his Nanna’s so that is very helpful. The thought of his little heart being damaged is still keeping me up at night but surely you get to a point where you can’t get any more tired, right?

I feel like I am plodding through things at the moment because I have so much to do in the lead up to Christmas and then hopefully leaving for Thailand the following day. I am trying to be positive and indeed I feel that I am supposed to go to Thailand on this trip. Of course I feel guilty about leaving JBB, I broke down crying the other night at the thought of it. Still, I feel like I need to do everything possible to give my darling boy a sibling and I am very hopeful that this will work.

Speaking of crying, my emotions are totally haywire right now. I started crying the other day whilst watching a childrens program, they were singing a song about going to the beach - yeah, cos that makes everyone cry right? So, for that reason, I am definitely not going to go to my Christmas catch up with all of my girlfriends, I just don't think I could make it through the night without crying. Hopefully at some point my emotions will go back to normal but for the moment, me and my black cloud need to stay away from festivities.

I am still in waiting mode. I have the appointment with the Melbourne fertility specialist on Wednesday morning and I am hopeful that he will give the go ahead for Thailand. I am also going to use the time to talk to him again about the bad cramps and what could be making them worse - really just for my own sanity, I don't think that there is anything that he can do but what harm asking?

In an effort to buck myself up and start being positive, I am beginning the countdown (and you know how I loves me a countdown!!) - this time in two short weeks, I will be waiting in the airport to fly out to Thailand. My little cheeky man will be tucked up in bed, watched by his Nanna. I will miss him terribly but it will all be worth it if I can get him a little sister or brother!

What is going on?

2011-12-08T22:17:00.002+11:00

I am at a loss as to what to write about at the moment, so I just thought I would start and see what happens.

Firstly, let me say that I am worried about JBB, he seems to have changed behaviour significantly since we got out of the hospital. He is having tantrums all the time and he just screams and screams if I am not with him. I have this week off work but the following two weeks I am working full time to cover for my friend who will not be at work, I feel horrible about leaving him but I have to get back to work. He also seems to be having nightmares, which is just heart breaking.

The plan is also for me to go to Thailand if we get the go ahead next week from the Melbourne fertility specialist. I will feel horrible leaving JBB but honestly, I would much prefer that JBB has the 24/7 Daddy time rather than getting farmed out to other people because JourneyMan would have to work. My period has pretty much continued lightly but steadily the whole time and now I am kind of thinking that this might be a good thing? God only knows, seriously but I will have more information next Wednesday.

I finally put the Christmas tree up today and my plans for a 'year of creating new traditions' has not really eventuated. I basically have to get all of my Christmas shopping finished off tomorrow because I will be working for the next couple of weeks. I also have a big plan for the next 2 weeks of treatments and such to get my body as ready as possible. There is a heap to do and only a little time to do it in.

Feelings wise, I am numb. After we checked out of the hospital, I heaved with sobs, mainly from relief, though I am still worried about the follow up tests that may show heart damage. I also broke down on Tuesday night when I realized that I would probably still be going to Thailand, the thought of leaving JBB sickens me. I can't talk to anyone either. I am supposed to go out to a Christmas dinner with all of my girl friends next week (it is tradition) but I don't want to talk about the failed cycle in Thailand, I don't want to talk about my sister's pregnancy, I don't want to talk about JBB being Ill and I don't want to talk about the upcoming cycle in Thailand, what does that leave? Football, nope, don't want to talk about that either.

I am very, very grateful that JBB is getting better but I feel all at sea right now. I am hoping that I will stop whinging soon and start to enjoy, Christmas, it used to be my favorite time of year.

JBB Update

2011-12-05T20:35:00.000+11:00

JBB has Kawasaki disease but he has responded very well to treatment. We are home now and he is tucked up safe in his bed but this weekend has been the most harrowing of all of our lives. Saturday was absolutely horrible.

Thankfully, the fever has broken, his eyes are almost back to normal and the lump on his neck is reducing. He has had studies done on his heart but they are more of a baseline, he will need to be assessed again in 6-8 weeks as the heart damage can happen from now. Thankfully, the odds for that go from 30% of children affected getting heart defects to 3% if treated early, which he was.

I am absolutely exhausted and I am still very worried about our beautiful little miracle child but I am thankful that I followed up with the doctor, I am thankful that he sent us to the hospital, I am thankfully that the hospital recognized the symptoms straight away and I am thankful for the love, help and support that were showered on us over the weekend, we are one lucky family. Thank you all for your comments of support, I really appreciate it.

I will update further when I can, for the moment, I need my bed and about 1000 hours of sleep.

A Vigil

2011-12-02T23:07:00.003+11:00

I'm sitting next to my beautiful, perfect JBB. He is asleep but not soundly, he is burning with fever and wakes every 15-20mins whimpering in pain. I soothe him back to sleep each time. I can't stop looking at him, touching him, singing to him, letting him know I'm here. He is not in his own bed but a cot at the Royal Children's hospital in Melbourne. I am waiting to hear if my darling boy has Kawasaki disease and if he does, when they will start treatment. It is an inflammation of the blood vessels in the arteries and in particular, the coronary arteries. If detected early, most children will make a full recovery but complications can include aneurysm and heart attacks (thankfully this is very rare), you can find out more information here:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/heart/kawasaki.html

It is past midnight and after many days of broken sleep and crying with exhaustion this morning, I have never felt less like sleeping in my life. How did this happen? I am still in shock and disbelief and even as I read information about this disease, I cannot think of it in connection with my life loving, big hearted, cheeky son, it just cannot be possible.

It all began with a tired and cranky JBB on Sunday. He hadn't slept well at either of his sleeps (even the fact that he had two sleeps in a day was unusual as he had recently dropped his second sleep) and wasn't his usual sparkling self at the lunch for my Dad's birthday at my little sister's place. He was feverish on Monday morning when I dropped him off at my Mum's place but I had been expecting more teeth for awhile, so I just put it down to teething. That night, we had trouble getting him to sleep and he woke at around 3am and we brought him in to our bed for the remainder of the night. On Tuesday, JourneyMan's Mum was babysitting him and I felt uneasy all day, not because, I was worried about her care, I was simply worried. I called her during the day to check he was okay, I hadn't done that for months. JourneyMan's Mum said that he was miserable all day, had a fever, a bit of diarrhea and really, just wasn't himself. It took him a long time to go to sleep and he woke at 3am again and we brought him into our bed.

On Wednesday, I was home with him all day and he barely left my knee, I gave him paracetamol and he perked up a bit after that but in the afternoon, he was back on my lap whimpering and was roasting hot and when I took his temperature it was 38.9C / 102F under his arm. I called the 'nurse on call' service we have here in Australia and they reassured me that everything was okay, most likely just a tummy bug, they said to call back if he had any further symptoms. When JourneyMan got home, I noticed a lump on JBB's neck and a patch of red, I got JourneyMan to have a look and he said that he had seen it the night before. I was back on to the nurse on call, quick as a flash and once we went through the whole story and explained about the lump and redness, she suggested we should see the GP within 24 hours. I knew that I couldn't go to work on Thursday, I needed to look after my darling and in the morning, I called the doctors office and booked him in straight away.

Wednesday night was a disaster. He slept in our bed all night and clung to me like his life depended on it, all night, I couldn't move and didn't get much sleep, he woke numerous times during the night burning up. When he got up in the morning, he seemed worse than the day before and by about 10am, I noticed that one of his eyes was bloodshot. This gave me a real fright but I was comforted that I was going to see the doctor at about 11am. It wasn't my normal doctor because I can rarely get in to see her booking so late but I had seen her with JBB before so was okay about it. She pronounced that he had a bad throat infection and thought that the infection itself had caused the bloodshot eye and the rash that we had just found on his tummy. She prescribed some antibiotics because she was worried that the lump in his neck was caused by bacteria. She also suggested that I book in to see her the next day but that if he should improve dramatically overnight and if so, I could cancel the appointment in the morning.

Thursday night was worse than Wednesday. He clung to me all night once again and I woke at 4am with a start because he was hot, way hotter than I had felt him all week. I woke JourneyMan so we could give him some paracetamol and he wouldn't go back to sleep for more than an hour. I took him out to the lounge room to rock him back to sleep and sobbed. I sobbed because I was beyond exhausted but also because I knew then that something was wrong. JBB had had a fever now for 5 days and despite being sick quite a few times in the past 9 months, he didn't shake it off quickly like he had previously. We slept uneasily until JourneyMan got up at 6am.

When JBB got up in the morning, both of his eyes were now bloodshot and he also had the rash on his face. I sent a text off to my Mum, letting her know what was happening, I told her 'I am very worried'. The main worried thought in my head came from the fever, he had had them before and I expected it to have gone down overnight, not worsened. She called me back to see what time I was going back to the doctors (11:10am) and said that if I am really worried, I should just go up there, they will normally see you if you are really worried. I pottered around for awhile trying to get JBB to eat some brekky and comforting him and then made a snap decision. For most of the week, I hadn't trusted myself, I thought I was acting like an over protective, IF affected mother who runs off to the doctor at the drop of a hat. Finally, I realized that was a total load of crap and I packed JBB up really quickly and headed off to the doctors.

They were very nice and the nurse saw me straight away after I had explained what was going on. She immediately took his temp, listened to his chest, looked in his ears etc and then called the doctor to come and look at him. This was a different doctor, he is the one that owns the practice (my mum took us to see his dad when we were kids) and he did all of the observations again and then we talked about what to do. I was expecting him to send us off for some tests but he basically said that he wanted to write a note for him to go to the emergency department of a hospital. His thoughts were that he thought it was okay but because it was Friday, he wouldn't be able to get any answers the same day. He also said that he would prefer them to be angry at him for sending him in needlessly rather than missing something that got exponentially worse over the weekend. He said that he needed to be able to sleep that night. He also said that he had learnt over the years to trust a mothers intuition that something is wrong.

He talked to me about the hospitals that we could take him to and because we have private health care, we could take him anywhere. There was only one hospital that I was comfortable taking him to and that was the Royal Children's. I had to take him to the specialists, I didn't want him thrown out only to find out there there was a problem. I called JourneyMan on the way home from the doctors and we agreed he should stay at work, we thought we would sit around in emergency for hours, they would do some tests and then we would be sent home. I called my mum and asked if she wouldn't mind coming and she agreed. I packed up enough stuff for JBB for around 6-7 hours and picked up my mum and we drove in (about a 45min drive from our house). I told her we had to go through the coffee drive through because I was so tired, I needed a pick me up.

We got to the hospital and went through reception. The hospital had just moved on Wednesday to new premises and just the waiting area was impressive, there was a massive aquarium in there and JBB had a great watching the fish until we were called not 5 mins later to the triage nurse. The triage nurse did all of his obs and asked questions and then after around 10mins we were taken though to a bay. This is when I got scared because we walked past a massive waiting room full of people, I thought 'this is either contagious or dangerous'. After a while, the doctor came to see him and said that they thought it was Kawasaki disease but that there were a few tests needed. We had to find a way to get a urine sample, he sat on my knee with some waterproof paper and waited with a cup at the ready. In the meantime, he had an ECG. He finally started a wee and I was able to catch some for a sample, he did not get me at all!

After a big wait, the doctor came to put a shunt in for an IV and take some blood samples. This was the worst part of the day as they had to hold him down (thankfully, they had put some local anesthetic on his arms earlier) but he didn't like it and he was hysterically crying. I sang to him his favorite songs (dinosaur train, the froggy song, stand by me and you've got a friend). While they were still taking blood, JBB fell asleep, poor love was so tired. I called JourneyMan and he talked to his boss and came over to the hospital at about 4:30pm. JBB slept for quite awhile but my mum and I had not had anything to eat or drink since the coffee when we left home.

The doctors from the ward finally came to see us and said that he had 3.5 markers of Kawasaki disease, they begin treatment at 4 markers. We are still waiting for the blood tests to come back and that is where we stand now. Mum went home at around 7pm, JourneyMan went home and collected some things, brought them in and then went home again to sleep. Since then, it has just been JBB and I. It is now nearly 6am, JBB forced me to have a sleep with him at around 3am because he wouldn't go back to sleep unless I was holding him. The fever keeps on coming back and they have given him a couple of doses of paracetamol. I called the nurse in just before because his breathing had become quite labored, the doctor has assessed him and said he is just a bit congested in his nose, it was not his heart, thank goodness. Now I continue to wait to see what will happen next.

As a personal aside, this week has seen my period come full force and with it high octane cramps. I can still feel the cramps and the exhaustion but it is like it is in a person, sitting next to me, not me, my focus is totally on my boy. I can't believe this is happening. I am not religious but I am spiritual and I am praying, I am praying hard. I am pouring every ounce of love into every caress, every sweet nothing I whisper in his ear and every song I sing. One of the songs that I have sung to him since he was born is 'Stand by Me', I sing it to him to let him know that I will always be there for him. This morning, in the dark and lonely hours, it has become more of a plea to him to 'Stand by Me'.

The Rollercoaster.....

2011-11-28T15:44:00.000+11:00

So, we all know that IF is a rollercoaster and I have definitely paid my ticket and am back on the ride right now.

When I went out to the market on Saturday with my Mum and two sisters, everything annoyed me. Firstly, when we went to pick up my younger sister, I had to drag a massage table into their house for them, I wouldn’t have dreamed of her having to pick it up herself but it brought it sharply into focus, she is pregnant and I am not, when all going well, I should have been.

Then in the car she told of her boyfriends friends. My sister and her boyfriend were very concerned about telling some friends of his about their pregnancy because this friend couple had been trying for two years. Luckily, it all turned out well because when her boyfriend told his friends that they were having a baby, so the couple had found out they were too! Yay! Once again, annoyed the shit out of me, not because of the story, I am glad that these people who have struggled did not have to hear about a couple who ‘accidentally’ got pregnant but I was just annoyed because I think the story was told as a parable ‘good things come to those who wait’.

Then when we were at the market, we were discussing the horrible case here in Melbourne when a couple had made the heart wrenching decision that they would abort a sick twin at 32 weeks (heart defects) and the hospital terminated the wrong baby, so neither of the babies survived (I have too much to say about this but will not in this post, I may in another but it really is just too horrible to contemplate). My older sister made the comment that ‘she thought of me when she heard about this because I ‘could have had one of these babies’. I was pretty affronted by this, I don’t really know how I feel about her thinking that – I know that it came from a place of love but it was just so wrong!!

Then at breakfast, my younger sister told the story of how she told a few of her friends (who have actually become my friends as well over the years) about the pregnancy. She invited them over to make the announcement. It was a nice story and everyone was over the moon for her, which was really lovely. The thing that really pissed me off though was that in the past, I would have been invited to it and been able to share the joy. I don’t blame her for it, honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted me there either – I am a black freaking cloud and if she invited me, I probably wouldn’t have come. She is damned if she does invite me and damned if she doesn’t – I am not angry with her, she was between a rock and a hard place. What I was angry about is IF. It bloody shits me that people have to tip toe around me. It makes me want to scream that people think that I would want to take a baby, any baby. It makes me really sad that I am excluded from the joy. It makes me furious that I am seen as a cautionary tale (better get on to trying really quick, you don’t want to end up like JourneyGirl) and I want to tear my hair out to be seen as ‘the deformed girl who should be pitied’ – ‘shhh, don’t talk about the babies, she might cry (though then if I do cry, I get in trouble for not being happy for the person – I am also damned if I do and damned if I don’t).

It is very hard to be told that you are ‘becoming bitter’ – I challenge anyone to go through this and not have some measure of bitterness. It is very hard to be told ‘they are your issues’ when you absolutely realise that they are your issues but really only wanted to rail against the situation that you have found yourself in, not wanting solutions or advice but just an empathetic, open ear. It is agonisingly hurtful to be told that ‘you need to get over it’ or that ‘you need to prepare yourself that JBB might be your only child’ and that it ‘wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world’.

I didn’t ask to be put in this situation. I did not ask to have a physical deformity when I was born. I didn’t ask to be in pain nearly every day. I didn’t ask to not be able to respond to the IVF drugs. I didn’t ask for my eggs to be crap. I didn’t ask for any of these things but I haven’t hesitated in taking responsibility for it. I have picked myself up from every failed cycle. I have had operation after operation to see if I could improve my chances of having a family. I let nothing stop me in achieving my goal of having a child. I am proud that I was able to find a way that we could have our beautiful boy. I have relished joyously in every moment that he has been in our lives.

It makes me hate myself to whinge all the time and I think back to before IF and wonder – how different has this made me? How different has it made others toward me? Would I be happier or would I be less appreciative of what I have? Would I have more friends? Would JBB and I be in a mothers group? Would I be sweating more of the small stuff (uh oh, JBB has only 10 words in his vocabulary, shouldn’t he have 11?), would I have had a worry free pregnancy? Would I get invited to things again? Would I actually want to leave the house? Would we actually be in a house instead of a 2 bedroom unit? Would JourneyMan’s and my relationship be as strong?

I know that I would have been more involved in my friend’s children’s lives – as it is, I am in full shut down mode and have certainly decided the at for the next four weeks, I will only be seeing people out of absolute necessity. No work Christmas parties, no Christmas dinner with my girl friends, no more going to the market on Saturday with my Mum and sisters. I know that it is childish and weak but I am honestly done with any comments, regardless of how nice or ‘for my own good’ they are. Honestly, if anyone tells me to get over it or think positive or that it will all work out as it is meant to, I am fully going to freaking lose it.

I started spotting yesterday and panicked. Once again I thought that the whole thing was over, there was no chance of going in December. This also made me realise that all of the incidents beforehand that were pissing me off and making me angry was my old friend PMS. Then later on in the night, I remembered that the Melbourne FS said that there could be some breakthrough bleeding and that it would be okay, so I felt a bit better.

This morning I woke up and the cramps were way worse than normal, I took heaps of tablets to make sure I could get through the day (and thus felt guilty because I am putting extra chemicals in my body when I am trying to clear it all out for the cycle that might not exist **sigh**). Following the cramps came more spotting and more doubt about whether I would be able to go in December. If the spotting gets worse tomorrow, I am going to call my FS, I have been trawling Dr Google for solutions and want to run some by my FS (I will hear him rolling his eyes over the phone).
For the moment, I am hopeful but am sure the doubt will come back in 10 mins.

Two weeks until I find out whether the cycle is a go or not, another freaking 2WW.

Frick.

Bloody guilt.

2011-11-25T21:01:00.003+11:00

I really hope that I get to do the cycle in December but I have lost a lot of the desperation that I had earlier in the week. I was forced to look at the worst that could happen (ie. Cycle cancelled and we have to delay for a couple of months) and had accepted it by the time I spoke to my Melbourne Fertility Specialist. There are many reasons that I hope that I can get to do the cycle in December and most of them are the usual, to give our delightful JBB a sibling, to get it over and done with, to get me closer to having a resolution of the cramp issue, to be done with IF once and for but there is a totally, selfish reason that I want to go in December and I hope that you won’t judge me because I already feel guilty about it.

I will miss JBB, JourneyMan and JourneyDog who is Woolly hugely while I am away – that goes without saying but I tell you, I am actually looking forward to having a break. I am absolutely exhausted at the moment, at any chance, I fall asleep on the couch or basically wherever and I have never been one for doing that. I have travelled many times before on my own and I am comfortable with it but it will be very strange to be without my boys especially over new years.

But I feel guilty, very guilty for wanting this break and it is hard not to think that I am being a selfish cow for wanting to sleep in. That is my main need really, sleep. I feel a lot that the people in my life really don't really realize how much of a toll a cycle takes, mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. Most days I am in constant pain, which in itself is exhausting but add in all of the things that I do for a cycle, then add in the financial pressure, the hormones coursing through my body, the constant worry about whether it will be successful or not, the effort it takes to try to be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend going around, to do my job sstisfactorially and generally not more that 6-7 hours of good quality sleep per night and you have a recipe of one tired woman.

I know that this describes most mothers out there, we all have too much on our plate and not enough hours to achieve it.

The thought of sleeping in for the time that I will be away is very seductive. I may even be able to have a disco nap by the pool. I am trying to be kinder to myself but honestly, am I the worst mother / wife in the world to be looking forward to all of that beautiful sleep?

Good news, bad news (Welcome ICLW!!)

2011-11-22T12:58:00.001+11:00

Firstly, welcome to ICLWers – I am very pleased that you have stopped by! As a quick recap on my story. My husband and I met 6 years ago and were married in 2007. We knew from the outset that we would need intervention to have children as he had had a vasectomy. What we didn’t know was that I have a congenital deformity, unicornuate uterus (in essence there are two and they are non-communicating) as well as only one kidney. I also have a blood clotting disorder call factor V leiden and as we also found out, am a poor responder to IVF stim drugs. We had 5 failed fresh cycles of IVF until we decided to ditch my eggs and go to Thailand to have a donor cycle with a Thai woman’s eggs (we love her!!). Thankfully our first donor cycle was a great success and we have a beautiful 15month old boy thanks to the Thailand 1 cycle. In October this year we went to Thailand again (Thailand 2) to see if we could get a sister or a brother for our darling boy (using the same donor) but the cycle was negative BUT we did get 5 gorgeous frozen embryo’s so the intention is for me to go back to Thailand in late December to try a FET (Thailand 2.1) and that is where the drama is right now!!!

Okay, so yesterday I left you in despair. My period had not come, I was waiting for the Thailand doctor to get back to me with a course of action and I had basically started to accept that our Thailand 2.1 cycle was just not going to happen in late December. I finally heard back from the clinic and basically all it said was ‘that sounds strange, please see your local doctor’. I called my Melbourne Fertility Specialist and his secretary said that he would call me back after he had finished consulting for the day. Sure enough, he called me back and I filled him in on the situation. He basically (not in these words) told me that I was carrying on about nothing and that sometimes a period doesn’t come when you are on the pill because apparently the lining can be so thin, there is nothing to shed – okay. He said that I should start back on the BCP and continue with the schedule. He said that I needed a different kind of pill so that it would build up the lining so that it would shed next time. He asked all about the protocol that I was doing and I told him and then he said that to be 100% sure I could book in to see him before I am due to start the Progynova and he can check my lining to make sure everything is okay.

He was soooooo reassuring that he even said to me that I most likely wouldn’t need to come and see him, I could just trust that everything would be okay. I said ‘please, of course, I am going to come and see you, how long have you known me for – I need to be as sure as possible!!’. So I am feeling much better today. Despite the fact that the cycle could still be cancelled on the 14th December when I go to see him, I will be confident that it is going to be cancelled for a very valid reason and that the cycle will probably not have worked anyway. However, if he does give the go ahead, I will go to Thailand more confident than I have ever had before. Both times previously, I had no monitoring in Melbourne so it was always a ‘suck it and see’ situation when we first got to the clinic.

Whilst the news is not all good – I mean how can ‘wait and see’ be classed as good news, waiting is never freaking good news in my book - I feel very confident now that we have a workable plan. I am calmed by the fact that my Melbourne Fertility Specialist has now entered the fray because now I can have some certainty that everything is going well before I even get on the plan (if I get to!!).

So, I am back hoping that December is going to be Thailand 2.1 but I am also in the frame of mind that if it gets cancelled in mid-December, there will be a damn good reason.

Going through the past few weeks has made me realise how lucky I am. I have honestly, the best Fertility Specialist in Melbourne (perhaps the world), I have an amazing support group around me, JourneyMan is my rock and refused to panic despite me being in a flap for the past 3 days, my bestie listens to the crap that I spew out ad nauseam and my family all offered to help babysit in shifts if we need to delay the cycle and JourneyMan had to go back to work.

Of course, lastly but not least, I have all of my friends out there in blogland – thank you to all of you who have commented and offered words of support over the past few weeks (old friends and new!!), each and everyone has helped in their own little way.

So, on we go…….

My two most hated things….

2011-11-21T10:37:00.000+11:00

Firstly, thanks very much to Summer and Sue for your comments – they have been a balm over the past 24 hours.

I have never been a patient person. I am more the ‘bull at a gate’ variety. I like to make things happen. My Mum and Dad often tell a story of when I was around 6 years old when we were on holiday. We were on a jetty and my older brother (who would have been about 9) and sister (who would have been about 11) were debating between them about whether to jump off into the river (Mum and Dad were there supervising and were all competent swimmers). Whilst they were trying to talk each other into jumping in, I took a run up and jumped in and had a ball swimming around – no-one could believe it. Not much has changed, I like to jump in.

There are consequences of being the ‘jump in’ type person and that is that mistakes are often made. Mistakes I am okay with though because usually I learn a lot and move on.

I know that I am responsible for my life and I am happy to take responsibility for it but what drives me insane more than anything else is waiting. Coming a close second however, is feeling completely out of control of my own destiny.

4 long years of IF has not taught me patience nor to deal with the feeling of being out of control though I have usually found ways to cope which is distraction, distraction, distraction. I research constantly, I try every natural remedy under the sun (I have been eating clay but that is whole other post), I count absolutely everything, then count it again and then recount it, I write this blog, I think about things constantly and then make calculations in my head, I create spreadsheets and lists and schedules, then change them and change them again.

At the moment, I am in a hell of my own body’s making. The period is determinedly staying away and no matter how many times I calculate the numbers in my head, nothing adds up to a transfer on January 1st, 2012. I have sent another email to the clinic to see what they think about the situation and what will now have to be done but they are 4 hours behind so I am waiting and I really, truly, honestly, do not know what the hell is going to happen. Of course the most likely cause of action is delay but then I think – what about if my cycle is delayed again next time? What if they factor in the delay and then it comes on time and here is my favourite thought, what if there is something seriously wrong?

I know that most people will go ‘big deal, so there is a delay?’ Yeah, I know that it is not such a big deal but I will have to change my flights and accommodation and we will have to sort out care for JBB since it will likely be when JourneyMan has gone back to work. On top of that I will have to then continue all of my therapies for longer (which is bloody exhausting) and even more so, the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the longer I have to live with the pain of these cramps day after day (very selfish I know but the pain is absolutely exhausting).

So, here I am, sitting and waiting and unable to control my own destiny.

IF sucks balls.