Ashleynay.blogspot.com

My Screen: Dependency

2010-04-06T19:10:00.000-07:00

Through the penetrating tears, I notice Uncle Sean's arms and hear his voice, as he grapples with trying to comfort me. “See, you’re crying; it’s going to be fine. Silence would be worst… You could be DEAD, Ashley,” but his encouraging words do nothing to fight the fear I feel.

Running through our font door, frantic to find out what happened, my parents meet Sean and me. I hurt all over, it’s excruciating. Their questions echo inside my head: “How did you get out side?” “Can you move?” “What’s going on?” Mom reaches for me, and Sean acquiesces, placing me in her arms as he addresses their inquiries. “She fell out of the window from leaning against your screen. I'm sure the window was open, It must have given way.” Dad’s response almost penetrates me, “Ashley, I thought I told you not to sit next to that.”

My reply was silence. But now, after being at a hospital, breaking a collarbone and having a doctor’s bill given to my parents, the guilt burns. Uncle Sean was incorrect when he said “you'll be OK” – leaning against a screen out of laziness and curiosity had a price. Tears begin to line my eyes. “Ashley?” asks mom, her concerned eyes studying me, waiting for what I’d say next.
“I’m … I’m just sorry for leaning on something I shouldn’t have, for the money you and dad spent. It’s all my fault.” She laughs and, moving closer hugs me. “Nay, Dad and I aren’t mad at you. We’re so glad you’re alive, and we’re relieved we had the money to pay for it.” Her hands wrap around mine… and…

I'm safe again.

Safe to forgive myself, safe to see more then my mistake, safe to repeat the testimony I have. “You know what being OK is?” Mom pauses. “It’s knowing everyone is tempted to lean on screens of people, places and things instead of God, but he is faithful to save.”

Proverbs 3:5 Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding

The Risk: His Goodness

2009-09-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

"Here try it." My dad shoved a square, crystal glass, recently filled with water, to Jordan. Often during our last two years, Dad had successfully persuaded us to 'taste' a glass of water claiming it was good, only to find the liquid tasted awful. Neither of us were easily conned... . " Come on..." Dad pleaded.

Jordan, deciding it wasn't worth fighting over, reacted before I did. She took a glass, drinking the contents. . . Her eyes widened. "Wow! Tastes normal." My Dad chuckled, "I paid for a different water filter system and this one worked."
"Care to try some?" He asked, setting a cup down on our table, in front of me... my reflection loomed back. Did I trust him or did I trust past experiences? Him. I Grabbed the glass and took a risk because of HIS GOODNESS.

Psalm 34:8 O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. Will we trust our God or our past experiences? Some things can only be found out through the tasting of risk... the tasting of His goodness..

The Journey: Contentment

2009-08-09T18:50:00.000-07:00

Trees surround us. My friend Christina stops along a worn path beside me and leans against her family's car. She seems peaceful, blind to the heat . Isn't she thirsty like me? Being invited by her family to see the Redwood Forest was an honor until I realized we forgot to bring water.

"You doing OK, Ashley? You seem quiet.. did you have fun today?" Turning around, Christina's mom, Viviana, is grinning. I want to be diplomatic but ... my need for water ...overpowers me . . ignoring her question, I ask".. Is there a drinking fountain somewhere?" "Every fountain we have passed isn't working," she replies," You know....Sweetie ,YOU NEED TO ENJOY THE MOMENT, you're at a beautiful park and besides, we're about to leave." Christina opens her family's car door. I follow getting inside after her, assessing Viviana's words.

Ive been ignorant.. God, who created a beautiful forest for viewing pleasure also created cool water for vitality. He is faithful .. Pinks, oranges, yellows, and reds race past our car window... Taking us closer to a glass of water. I lay back against my pillow, and except Viviana's suggestion to "enjoy the moment". This is contentment's journey. My journey. Our journey

During every given season in our lives two aspect are operating.....1 The beautiful now moments and 2 a thirst for something we are wanting... What is being content? Realizing that He who made the national park moments also made the water you will drink tomorrow. So don't fear ..relax and enjoy because God is always good and faithful to his word! Philippians 4:11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.

Surprise:love love love

2009-05-27T16:50:00.001-07:00

Déjà vu, just like old times,” Mindy smirks, “except.. …. were in Texas SURPRISE” her flippant voice tone implies a flight from Oregon to Texas is a minor undertaking, instead of a expensive and complicated event. Constructing space, I propelled mindy's duffel bag off my seaweed colored couch and flop down sitting by her, “Ha that’s because you guys enjoy withholding information … keeping secrets. Seeing You and Casey stroll through the living room ….“I didn’t know where I was”.

Mindy chuckles and ignores my dazed expression " Yeah,i had the trip planned since Jan. I kept telling everyone in Oregon .. I was going to visit you for your birthday as a surprise and then Casey concluded she wanted to come too! It fit perfect." "I did what?" Casey questions, she comes towards us and sits down. Her left hand lays limp, and classy, a fresh coat of clear nail polish accenting the sparkling engagement ring. . . I stare at her ring and a thought formulates, "So Casey was Wes worth the wait...? " She Gushes,YYesss unfazed by my loaded question.

This is friendship.. joy.. contentment I have missed them. These Girls, who know me well.. who aren't shocked by my many questions... have come to see me. I feel loved. Yet, God required loneliness and waiting before they showed up in my living room today.. why? He could have articulated " Ashley your best friends will be visiting you, and your 24Th birthday will be splendid.. don't worry" instead i was found wanting and void of Texas friendships. God could have stated " Casey, I have this boy named Wes for you and although you will be alone for a season, at the perfect time you will fall in love." But God gave neither.. he handed us harsh silence...he gave us a surprise.

My Wesley, loves me... he gives me gifts.. he talks to me.. even the way he holds my hand.. shows how perfect we are together.. Casey continues. Mindy and i cant keep our laughter from esacpting, who grabbed our logical friend and replaced her with this romantic girl? "We're glad your happy" Mindy chirps, leaning against the pillow.

Here lets see how this looks on you.. I feel Casey place something cold in my hand, her engagement ring. "Its beautiful", I whisper. I'm holding a mans love for his future bride, sitting by my God given friendships and realizing how God's love is The Best Surprise... Yes trusting.. might be..worth my time... slipping Casey's ring on.. I watch it shine.

What area's of your life are you trusting God in? Maybe wondering why God wont tell you what the next bend in your road is? Its because he wants to surprise you! God shows his love by surprising you..so trust him and enjoy the adventure..
Isaiah:63:7 I will mention the lovingkindness of the Lord And the praises of the Lord, According to all the Lord has bestowed on us, And the goodness toward the house of Israel, Which He has bestowed on them according to His mercies, According to the multitude of his lovingkindness.

Life Consultant :Preparing

2009-05-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

My sister was-is THE FASHION CONSULTANT, however, her critique in the past, has caused friction between us . I, having no sense of color coordination would stubbornly fight Jordan on the ethics of fashion wear... Why should it matter what people wore? God values our heart as his mirror not the clothes we put on. She would counter act my questions by stating an out fit is a mirror! It shows how someone thinks and if they are going to a rodeo or attending a concert.

I disagreed with Jordan until her opinion began to have life merit. Forgetting my gym clothes one day, my teacher required me to run in pants and a long sleeve shirt. I felt silly. If I had " assessed myself" I have pants and a long sleeve shirt on, I would have realized it was scorching hot out side. If I had realized where I "was heading" ,PE, I might have remembered my uniform... my Dress should have proceed my environment, instead it hindered .

Now, concentrating on the mirror in font of me, I invite Jordan to asses my clothes. "Nice choice. I like that out fit" . I'm elated by her words. They are spoken thoughts I crave for God to pronounce over me as he critiques my Dream preparation's... taking classes, meeting new people, letting go of the old and buying the new...

Otherwise Ill judge my self and notice that I've been running in scorching 100 degree weather, wearing jeans,a long sleeve shirt, and my LIFE CONSULTANT,God, has amusingly pronounced I wonder what clothes ASHLEY has on now

We cant skip the process part. There are no short cuts. What area in your life do you expect God to perform but you haven't prepared for the promise he has given you? Its a new day! Workout, take classes, meet new people.. you never know where he will take you! Matthew 9:17 Nor do the put new wine into old wine skins, or else the wine skins break, the wine is spilled and the wine skins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wine skins, and both are preserved

The game:selfish

2009-05-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

I want to disappear from her scolding " Ashley you trample up and down that soccer field, glancing at the sky or fixing your bangs. I doubt you know where the ball is located since your paying more attention to Dad and I, then to your own soccer game." mom's ridged body is radiating frustration but she maintains a relaxing smile for me. " i know you have talent.. why wont you use it? "

Should I tell a lie or tell her the truth? " I'm scared".. I whisper, judging that my mom will detect any lie i voice. " i mean.. what if i kick the soccer ball and i miss or an opposing team player steals it from me?" her arm glues it self around my shoulder, allowing me to feel comfort. " Well then at least you played the game... you didn't let it play on without you." i sigh..

moms encouraging speech ends abruptly , the coach throws his arms up like a windmill station and beckons me to join my teammates on our soccer field, as God whispers.. Ashley forget about your opposing team and stop questioning if your an effective runner or not. ... Play the game. I concur with my heavenly father, taking one step away from selfish insecurities... and one step toward my teammates and His game... the game God calls us to participate in.

A selfish person " tries" a surrendered person " does". What game/ area of your life are you being selfish in and letting insecurities, opposition, fear keep you from playing? To win this game we need you..we need everyone

Community:alone

2009-03-26T12:23:00.001-07:00

I ponder the sensation of SOMEONE expecting a baby.. alone. Morning sickness, gaining weight, craving to hear the words " you still look beautiful". Each sunny morning your heart bleeds when its wakened to the Cardinals singing and the empty space in bed....where your lover should be. Baby clothes recently purchased lay heaped... neglected.. just like you.

Your Fear mounts .Furniture doesn't magically move it self. Boxes require unpacking. What if your harmed transporting these items and the child is aborted? How can you give birth among adversity? Who will say.. push.. wait OK stop.. now .. now PUSH! without family, friends or a doctors hands .... doubt lingers. Your child's death seems certain...is certain.

I ponder the sensation of SOMEONE expecting a dream... alone. Clutching insecurities, over extending your self and craving to hear the words " its going to be OK". Each time those around you are blessed, being handed a job, being proposed to .. being found with child ..you feel excluded. The dream should be here by now. Gods indifference cuts..

Your fear mounts. Starting a new business requires money you don't have. Your not intelligent enough to become an author. rejection is inevitable on the dreams quest... and strength fading . How can God do something THIS impossible? Where's a mentor saying .. action.. wait OK stop.. now.. now take action. Without family, friends, or favor's help.. doubt lingers. your dream's death seems certain...is certain.

A child.. A dream.. neither can be cultivated ALONE. Products of intimate moments spent with a lover.. or God, yet they both require communities guiding hands to be birthed.. .. . Touch SOMEONES stomach and their child moves. Speak encouraging words over SOMEONE and their dream breathes again. Here in community is the sensation.. SOMEONE is never ALONE.

May you reach out to someone and may someone reach out to you... may you each birth the dreams God has given... Gen 2:18 God say's it is not good for man to be alone.

The place where ash lays: Sleep

2008-05-08T09:02:00.000-07:00

Blood drips, ash lays gently in the misted of a battle. The camera shifts revealing those who scamper away from horror trying to locate safety. Amongst this calamity some men fight while others emerge stunned and lost. I slump against my chair, watching the war story unfold. I am mystified.

Fleeing comrades I can sympathize with. Fight men, wow, I’m enthralled by their courage but the idiots who doing nothing? How inept are they? Wake up from your slumber be a man, be a woman, and progress beyond fear.

Choking on popcorn cornels . ….. The “do nothing soldiers” convict me. Asleep: never awakened to Gods depth, Afraid: pondering where he will lead... they are numb. Maintaining a relationship with God is more than love. It is determination.... past yellow brick roads and candy canes to the place where ash lays…..

God be real to me. Force me to fight…. to see you for who you are. Never allow me to forget the war that surrounds my world, the war that is within me. awaken those who sleep

Matthew 11:12 And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force.

Drop:Control

2008-04-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

…. In her exasperation my mom forgets how to be gentle; her hand tightens as she pries each lid apart with her fingers. Liquid fire surrounds my eye. What twenty-three year old needs an adult to place allergy eye drops in her eye? … I wish I could forfeit the humiliation and panic created by this situation. Individual eyelashes are molded together, I cannot see.

Ignoring an eye sight malfunction because I would rather be in control is foolish. Through blurred tears I glimpse my mom snickering at me, I’m relieved… The liquid fire has cooled. Ashley you should have used Allergy Drops two months ago instead of waiting, her voice tilts on confusion. A squashy pillow sets boundaries between us; I groan and lean against it.

Why let time rush beyond me never adhering to the liquid fire God desires to cover my vision with? Fear, pride, insecurities entangle themselves together but I ignore their probe. You’re silly, both God and my mom chorus. The last drop caresses me. Letting go of my control I agree with them.

24 Rose Petals: Compassion

2008-01-25T05:15:00.000-08:00

I ponder your face in the rose petals
One two three they tumble
Four five six they collapse
Unresponsive and hated

Do I stop?
Paste what has fallen?
Stagger away from you remembered?

Seven eight nine they tumble
Ten eleven twelve they collapse
Unresponsive and hated

Do I continue?
Weep at what has tortured me?
Stagger away from you forgotten?

Thirteen fourteen fifteen they tumble
Sixteen seventeen eighteen they collapse
Unresponsive and hated

I ponder my face in compassions petals
Nineteen twenty twenty-one they tumble
Twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four they collapse
You are who I used to be
Unresponsive and hated

(While my poem could be interrupted several different ways) I Believe, the concept is true…. there is always something… we can hate about our selves or the people around us (most of the time what we hate in other people is what we used to be). But God in his love gives us compassions petals. Don’t be afraid to pass them along.

Holding Beauty;Dreams

2008-01-16T18:47:00.000-08:00

I stare at the little girl in font of me. . what a pleasing picture, her hand wrapped around her fathers’ thumb, while He holds her tightly. This is real enchantment, a father’s love for his daughter. Worship music ushers in Gods presences. I lift my hands and close my eyes.

But the little girl, continues to captivate my thoughts. Something doesn’t fit. . Startled, I realized what I’m missing. The girl wasnt INSTANTLY beautiful she BECAME beautiful.. Nine months of WAITING, morning sickness, lying awake at night worrying, followed by PAIN birthed this child. Such are all things with God…. time and labor equaling love.

I open my eyes, those around me sing “How Great is Our God” as an angle turns from her daddy and waves. I find my self waving back … yes, beauty does exist after ashes.Dreams are real, but how many times do i quit before i get to hold them?

For those of you who are in the “ wait & pain” period don’t give up…. one day you will hold your dreams. Isaiah 61:3 to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, that beauty should be given unto them instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of the spirit of heaviness: that they might be called terebinths of righteousness, the planting of Jehovah, that he may be glorified.

Conclusion: Things I learned in 07

2007-12-26T10:59:00.000-08:00

1Yall and All Yall are words with different meanings
2 Each year is unique
3 Texans clocks are permanently broken and run 30. mins late
4 Peanut butter and chocolate no matter where you live tastes yummy
5 Sometimes the Good and the Bad live together
6 Culture shock exists
7 Feeding animals from a feeder, and then shooting them is “ hunting"
8.You wont pass out from driving in 5 lanes of traffic
9 Direction, brings clarity
10 Big cities are the best!
11. Never say never …
12. Yes Guys still open doors for ladies
13 When in doubt throw it out.
14 God’s faithful
15. King of the hill equals Texas reality TV
16 Watching and experiencing are worlds apart
17 Jessica Simpson’s is the reason why the cowboys( football team) aren’t winning
18 Beauty takes time
19 Razor Cell phones are stupid
20 And a conclusion is what happens when you get tired of thinking….

Color Creation: Thankful

2007-11-20T15:52:00.000-08:00

I pick up a pen, speculating whether I should draw or write. Maybe ill do both. An artistic out , is just what I need. Setting my ball point pen, against the blank sheet of paper I begin creating lines, words, and wiggles. Ugh My drawing/writing isnt making any sense.

Why can’t I focus? I wonder if Gods like me, and sighs during his creative process. Perhaps color will help, suddenly inspired, I grab a colored pen and trace over my picture. I’m astonished, words and drawings once drab are now glowing. This is how God rights wrongs done against us, I realize. Keeping our current ramblings, he covers them with his goodness. I swipe the red marker lying next to me and print "I'm grateful for…..... creation, laughter, and pens" along the top of my page... being thankful is see color where only black and white exists.

Isaiah 60:20 Your sun shall no more go down, nor shall your moon withdraw itself, for the Lord shall be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended.

Winter: Memories

2007-11-14T10:18:00.000-08:00

Generally I decide my attire relatively easy, yet here I standing speculating. Clothes don’t articulate a life or death situation.. Frustrated I pull a red long sleeve shirt off the hanger and wiggle the material over my head. I glance into my bathroom mirror, noticing its reflection. The red turns my ghostly skin milky white; and allows my green eyes to resonate…. I look alive.. So why do i hate this picture?
Unexpectedly a memory touches me, and i discover my answer. Should I throw the shirt away? Or keep my top until I enjoy the memories it inflicts? Sigh, Maybe I'll lay it in my closet with other, Oregon winter, i dont wear. How, I hate recalling last December...

Whether it is a good memory or a bad memory winter leaves nothing forgotten, my friend Kayla speaks the truth. Why else, would our Holiday season get mixed reviews? It reveals memories left in the closet, memoirs too bitter or sweet. ummm.....should we allow thoughts to define us, reminiscing in the past till it determines our future? Or do we throw them away, and let a piece of us die? What a dilemma...I reach down and pick up my shirt, my memories.I think ill drop them off at Salvation Army. I've wasted enough tears. Let God give me a taxes write off, and grant someone else the wear of my lessens learned.…. Exchanging old attire for bright new memories, is his specialty. Yes…… winter leaves nothing forgotten.

Isaiah 43:18-19 Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold; I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.

The Button: Pride

2007-11-10T14:13:00.000-08:00

Im not coming. Puzzlement filled his voice Why? . ummmm, I ,…. … its awkward….. you know? No Ash, I don’t know …. He waited …. Ugh How could I make this clear to him?. …. Well I hate good byes, and I cant stand it when friends leave … so …. My words were now clumping up making my throat dry. The phone weighted my hand down. Jordan who sat across the room, listened and shook her head in protest at me. But I ignored her and continued……

With each line spoken , condemnation rained down. He was what , the 5th friendship I had let pride gain control of ? All because I refused to cry or look stupid, afraid I might care for someone more than they cared for me.. Names came unbridled running, dancing and skipping into my thoughts revealing memories. ….. refusing to call Sophia, turning from Ryan, and throwing away sweet Sam’s email… geese I still missed her. Yet my declaration stayed the same. I’d see him in a year or two…… no harm would be done.

Click, I pushed my cell phone button off and I walked up the steps. Jordan’s voice yelled after me. You shouldn’t have done that Ashley. You’ll regret it…. Think about Sophia and Sam. Don’t you wish, you had said bye to them ? I kept climbing, and gave no reply .

Time moves……. I find myself , witnessing a marriage crumble. These two people I care about are …. walking away. How am I different then them? Haven’t I refused to pray for someone or speak honest words? I’ve let pride kill my relationships, and Gods love vanish, because I didn’t want to be vulnerable. This is the price we pay for pushing pride’s off button..... destroyed lives.

To crash or not to crash: Prespective

2007-11-03T23:14:00.000-07:00

I watched in horror as my right rear window cracked creating raggedy designs. Noooooooooooo Please stop! But the thuds, bangs, and splats continued raining car crash sounds. A hand of dread now squeezed and clawed… seizing its opportunity to murdering my tranquility. Stupid Stupid Stupid. Why couldn’t I learn to paying attention? Dad would be livid, when he found out. Crunch… tires rolled over shattered glass. Breathe, it’s going to be fine, call work and THEN call Dad. Oh my Goodness, it couldn’t be true ? Did I really demolish a GATE, with my vehicle ?Please God, make an exception and yank my recent time fragments, alter their course... Ok prayer time is over Ashley. You must pick up the phone and dial. God isn’t going to fix this mistake…

Fellow drivers were slowing down as they passed the accident site. I’m sure speculating, how a 23 year old girl had failed to notice an iron Gate swing shut, until it was too late. . She must have been … oblivious.. Right? It’s the normal answer given to “ life crashes”. They just weren’t thinking when they committed their affair.” Sorry I didn’t realize my account was depleted of money.” “You mean to tell me, harmless teasing caused a school shooting?” …… making excuses. Claiming unawareness as the guilty verdict. While, truth shouts," my fellow spectaters Ashley was paying attention." Miss guided focused, noticing vehicles entering an exit road instead of watching a closing gate,cost her, her mistake. Glass sprinkles, cutting lives.

What if spouses had been concentrating on their marriage, Or students on giving kindness away? What then? Because every day were analyzing and processing( contrarily to current belief) choosing a focal point. I walk passed my mistake and sigh. Where does our attentions lye? Perspective…. to crash or not to crash? That is the question. ….

Luke chapter 12:34 For where you treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Smile: Gods leading

2007-10-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

He stood ridged, his eyes welling up with tears. Blond hair, tan skin slightly sun burnt, a young guy in his late twenties, my customer sure didn’t fit the profile for dysfunctional. I wondered….. what was the cause behind his tears? Seeing my puzzlement glance he opened his mouth and spoke. I excepted Jesus into my heart yesterday. I ummmm just wanted you to know. Ok? His voice sounded tight. I could barely keep shock from entering my expression, Are you serious?. Yes I’m serious Ashley. He countered, it’s… I mean…… God’s love …… well ….his words continued faltering, until silence hung suspended between us. How often had I prayed he would except Jesus? How many times had we argued about God? More than I could count. A smile breathed on my lips. My customer Jim grinned ineptly back at me, before abruptly darting outside the bank’s glass door.

God chuckles; he watches me lightly touch salvation's beams, I'm stunned by the shiver i encounter from my caress. What if the opportunity to meet Jim hadn't taken place ? What then? Would Grace orchestrate someone else to take my place? Who knows? I ponder Gods leading...and smile

leader takes people where they want to go. A great leader takes people where they don't necessarily want to go but ought to be." -- Rosalynn Smith Carter

Isaiah 43:16 And I will bring the blind by a way that they know not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known. I will make darkness into light before them and make uneven places into a plain. These thing I have determined to do [ for them]; I will not leave them forsaken.

Swallow:Passion

2007-10-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

Although I don’t remember his name… I do recall dark, wild un- kept hair, and a face permanently stained from playing in the dirt. His brown eyes stared, as he whispered.. I like you, will you be my girlfriend? Boyfriends and Girfriends were a new phenomena in first grade but according to my parents Only grown ups, should have real relationships. Shocked by this strange boy. I found myself blurting the first thought that came to mind. If you like me , then prove it. He didnt replied back but instead reached down to grab a pebble near his shoe placing it in his mouth, he then swallowed. What kind of boy would eat rocks? Composure crumbling I started walking away. . His voice called after me, Hey. Wait, I just swallowed that rock for you. Why don’t you want to be my girlfriend? Silence was the reply I gave. What could i say?

How often do you and I deny passion, in an attempt to avoid pain? All the while knowing our dreams, those we love, and the directions were given comes from swallowing rocks. Its here that we are proven before God......transforming pain into.... passion

To love at all is to be vulnerable. To love anything your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Not even an animal. Wrap it carefully with hobbies and luxuries, avoid all entenglements and keep it safe in the casket of your selfishness . But in the casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable
~ C.S. Lewis

The land of Roads : Surrender

2007-09-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

In a far away land of Roads, a Father was trying to teach his Daughter how to drive a car. The manual stated, to live in the land of roads one must know the difference between the gas and the brake pedal. They must listen to their instructor at all costs. Our story father felt His daughter was old enough and ready to enter the land of Roads. After all he would be there to help her navigate.

Now, Ashley I want you to drive out of this parking lot and on to the road. One Two Three, breath in breath out… OK I replied. Confusion clouded my mind. Oh dear, which one was the gas ? I press my foot down hard, hoping I had made the right choice. The truck lurched forward…. Straight for a ditch.Slow down my Dad yelled. Brake, Brake, where was the brake? My foot must be on it… right? I pushed harder on the metal beneath my shoe. My Dad swung his leg, to the driver side of the truck. He pressed down on the vacant pedal... the brake. I began to screamed hysterically . This was it. I would Die. Dust flew from the ditch to the pavement. wheels turned. With my foot on the gas and Dads foot on the brake, Our truck malfunctioned. A hand, Dad’s hand, pushed me out of the way. His vicious voice said, Ashley let go of the gas. My foot slid off of the pedal. Suddenly the truck grew silent. ….and peaceful.

Back in the Land of Roads, A daughter says to her father, with sadness in her voice, I guess that means I wont be getting my drivers permit.. Well it depends on if you can surrender control, during the retake test, he replies . Turning to look at each other, father and daughter smile.

Why do we believe were right, God is wrong, and dreams malfunction? Our life road has many bends and turns. But, take faith, when you find your in a ditch… all you have to do is let go of the control pedal...surrender surrender God whispers

Star Giver: Healing

2007-09-18T15:42:00.000-07:00

The ride to Medford, on December 27, at 8:00pm is a moment I will never forget.… words from a song :catch a falling star and put it in your pocket save it for a rainy day mirrored my feelings. I was in the back seat of a car crammed with people. Not caring about our destination , thinking anything would be better than staying at home. How alone i felt. The world was void of laughter. Suddenly, someone named Kayla, walked into my storm commanding peace. How sweet was the grace that held me, that prayed over me. Even with the whys, and tears i had from my grandpa's death, kayla showed me the love of God... Discovering your not with out hope, someone else is in the vast darkness with you, is a great gift. .. A star.I often wonder if Kayla knew the song she brought to life. The star she gave? Or how it is still healing me.

Kayla when I really need it, you gave me your star. Who could be alone when they have a friend like you? May God remember you, the price you pay… and give you his goodness as you turn 18. Happy Birthday! Love you!

15 dollar beauty : Grace

2007-09-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

Dolphins are every where in my room. And, no I don’t mean my room is full of water, and a mammal with a tail has decided to take up residents next to my bed. But, what you will find is tons of dolphin objects and a gigantic size fan displaying a underwater world view…. My crazy, Dolphin room obsession began, on a bright spring day with Disney land magic.

After the rides, laughter, and too much chocolate… our family trip was nearing a close. My parents decided, now was the perfect opportunity to teach their kids the value of money. They gave both Jordan and I a spending allowance. We could pick out any trinket from the over priced Disneyland store.. that was worth 25 dollars. Jordan grabbed a cup. She announced proudly there would be enough money left over to have her name engraved on the glass. Time was running out we need to leave. My parents encouraged me to “ just pick something”. I wondered aimlessly until I saw the beautiful object. Light from the window touch the Glass Dolphin riding on a wave. It sparked, like liquid dew from the mist of a cold morning. My breath caught, while I stood awaiting my dads verdict. He took the item from me and turned it over glancing at the price. I'm sorry Ashley this is 40 dollars, your short 15 ,find something else.

I tried to be brave, I tried not to cry, as I walked back to look at my other options. Who was i tricking? I have always been someone desperately in love with beauty, trapped in a logical mind. I get lost in sunsets. For years as a child my goal was to capture a butterfly.If only I could see how the wings were drawn on paper. Try as i might the romantic child with in, was greater than the fear of disappointing my parents.

Running back to my Dad, I pleaded my case. This girl, who never, wants to disturbed the peace, was breaking it for all she was worth. My Dad gave his answer, setting aside his “money teaching lesson” he instead purchased a glass dolphin for his daughter. Its here, years later looking at my obsessed room, I'm once again reminded of the magic Disney land holds, a fathers love…. And Gods grace to exchange my 15 dollar shortages for his beauty.

Sack of junk : Giving

2007-09-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

The brown paper sack was too heavy. It felt ruff beneath my small hands.. How could only a few feet grow magically into a mile, because of the rocks, ponytail holders, and paper clips, in my paper sack? It was Christmas Eve, when Santa clause was alive and breathing, waiting to eat the cookies Jordan and I would set out for him. One half of the bag was slightly dragging, Jordan struggled to keep her end of the bag from breaking. So there we walked into the living room, each carrying the gift between us. .With flare the bag was dropped in front of my parents. Shock registered on their faces. What is this? my dad asked . well ummm this is the gift Jordan and I got you and mom, I answered. Tears filled my mom’s eyes, as her and my dad began looking at the assortment of junk.

The idea had emerged with Jordan and I getting in the Christmas spirit. We wanted to wrap a present for my parents . But, the problem was we had no way of remedying the situation. Without money or someone to drive us we were at a loss…. And then suddenly brilliance snapped us into attention. Sneaking into the kitchen we pull out an old brown grocery bag and dumped all of our favorite trinkets into the sack; Favorite items included : ponytail holders, colored markers , rocks… The labor of love, ended with a bow swiped from a present under the tree. By the praised we received after the gift was open, I knew my parents loved my blue marker just as much as I did.

Thinking back to that Christmas it makes me wonder .. ..why do I do want to give drive down to the store and give God a real gift, when its my junk that brings tears to his eyes? Jordan and I got more thanks and hugs from our parents in that moment, then in any Christmas that followed. . We gave our very best… sacrifice . And, while God ( like our parents) may not have much use for a ponytail holder, I’m sure he smiles at anyone willing to sacrifice their last hair tie.

God loves a cheerful giver.

Arms: Comfort

2007-08-30T13:25:00.000-07:00

She was around 6 years old, sobbing and wet. Big blue eyes, and a mass of stringy straw colored hair. The way the little girl held on to my moms arms, you would have thought she was her beacon of light in the vast darkness. Earlier that day, my family had participated in an outing for my mom’s birthday. We rented a raft, grabbed our life vest and headed down the Rogue River. It was one of those perfect days. Not a cloud in the sky. The beautiful Oregon scenery and the cold rushing water splashing the edge of our raft. Hours passed, nearing our destination site we maneuver closer to the bank.

Suddenly, a man’s voice called out. Panic seemed to slice the perfect day. His little girl was heading down the Rogue River pulled by the chilly water. People were running down to the shore line. My Dad turned our raft around, and we began following a dot in the distance. Time was frozen glass. My arms hurt. We were making little progress, despite our effort. If someone didn’t reach the little girl soon, she would be surrounded by sharp rocks. I could hear my mom’s earnest prayers whispering through the trauma. Noise echoed giving me a headache. It was pounding, rushing water, screams, and shouts from people on shore. On lookers were pointing, a few had cell phones out dialing 911.

Then as sharply as it began peace returned to the balance. An off duty firefighter who happened to be a few feet away swam out to the girl. When, we arrived moments later, the girl scampered from her protector’s lap and into my mothers arms. There she stayed in the comfort of Grace, saved from her environment, fears, and cries…..So if you’re like me and at moments life is a rapid carrying you down stream remember… He, who measured the sky and water in the hollow of his hand, cares for you. And, He will always provide his safe arms of comfort.

Isaiah 51;3 For the Lord will comfort Zion; He will comfort all her waste places. And he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song or instrument of praise.

The line : Fear

2007-08-23T09:58:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

I believe I was in first grade, the night of the event. The night my Dad told me to go back to bed. At the time I was having nightmares, with this paralyzing fear. Begging and pleading not go to bed, I tried to get out of going to sleep. However, once the inevitable happened and I was in my room I would make the best of the situation. A fortress with my pillows, usually did the trick .. Steaming hot sweat would be drip down my face as I pulled the blanket up and over me, covering my face. Torn between feeling smothered and shutting out the shaking fear, I had chosen to be smothered.

At first my parents were sympathetic, but as the weeks turned to months their mercy grew thin. I would wake up in the middle of the night get up and go crawl into bed with them. They tried everything…. Making me listen to worship tapes when I went to bed, praying with me and even changing the list of movies I could watch. My Dad bought a baseball bat and set it next to the font door. He wanted to show me the object he would use to slaughter any intruder with. .. But nothing helped. The fear was so terrorizing and numbing that I wasn’t able to block it out.

Each dream less evening led up to me walking out of my room late one night and into the living room, where my parents were watching T.V. I expected this moment to be like all of the others, my parents trying to comfort me and tell me it was ok. I was shock to find my Dad saying:

Ashley we’re not doing this again. It ends tonight. Mom and I have tried everything we know. This is a battle you need to fight on your own.. Everyone faces fear. You think I’m never afraid? All fear does is change its subject matter as you age. I battle fear of something happening to you, your mom, and your sister. I wonder how the bills will get paid. Each day I make a choice. If you don’t draw a line in the sand daring the enemy to cross it, he will run all over you. At what point are you going to get fed up with not sleeping through the night? Now go back to bed, and deal with this fear.

I can recall thinking who is this person? I thought my Dad loved me. Why didn’t he become superman, and save me? Jumping into bed, I re-built my defense pillows, until once again the icy hand of fear touched me. But, this time I was mad. Pushing the pillows off my bed and I begin to shout, scream, yell, every scripture verse that came to my mind….. and … magic happened. The fear vaporized into a screen of smoke.

Many times we want God to save us or to hear a thus says the lord prayer….. However, it could the answer from God is, “Ashley would you please convert your retreat into a advance?.” My Dad was right fears don’t disappear with age they simply changed their subject matter. There are moments I want to become 5 years old again and cover my self with the blanket. But, then I feel the crossing line inside of me give a tug. So I do what my Dad taught me…. I go back to bed and face my fears.

For God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear but of love power and a sound mind.

My Best Days: Living in the Past

2007-08-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

My Dad, said it was an old paint gun cleaner. However, With its shape and weird angles it could have been a time machine. Liking a good joke, he along with my cousin Shane, decided to make use of their imaginations. When ever anyone would step in the paint department asking,” asking wow what in the world is that.” Their answer was oh that’s our time machine. They would then proceed to convince their victim to sit down, strap in, and let the time machine take them into the past. Of course everyone knew it wasn’t true. But, surprisingly enough, grown, logical adults, went long with it. The one exception was Jim. When asked if he would like to take a ride in time his reply was, “why would I do that? My best days are ahead of me.”

Listening to that story, like 99 percent of my Dad’s victims, I start fantasizing about what period of my life I would like to revisit. Umm maybe when im was little and my mom would serve Jordan and I homemade cookies and milk, after school. Or how about being at Sherries, talking and eating with friends till one am, Arguing with Seth Reeser and Rory…. laughing with Mindy. Of course I can’t forget playing tennis with my Dad on a cruise ship. The ocean beneath us and the stars above.

Yes, what bittersweet memory would I pick? What history of hurts would I rewrite? Because, each morning we wake up we’re writing our lives with no backspace or delete button. There isn’t any white out under the cabinet and you can’t go running to the publisher screaming you have been ripped off, mad because your story didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to. You can’t ask for another published copy. This isn’t your favorite book that you can keep and reread.

You have one chance on the spot. To visit the past is like being in the middle of playing a football game and running off the field, while your team plays on. You jump in your car, and drive home. Pulling out your old VCR you put in a tape of a game you played last week. What!?! in the world are you thinking? Don’t you know it doesn’t matter if you won or lost, last weeks game….! A real live game is being played. And when you and I are constantly looking back we’re forfeiting our chances of participating.

So here I sit trying to figure out which video tape to play from my past, when the entire time I’m wasting my present. Who is to say that I won’t eat better tasting cookies today? I can still stay up till one a.m. laughing with friends or go on another cruise with my family. Why limit the “ good old days” to the past when they are in our present and future?

For me this has been a year of first experiences, death/grief, having my heart broken, moving to a new state, missing people, buying a new car, getting direction, and seeing
Dreams restored. At moments I wanted to scream GET ME OUT !. . However, I have also experienced the chilling AWWWW that comes from “finding” God in the in-between places. What If I had a time machine, would I go back? Would I reverse my losses, and relive my joys? Ummm…. Tick Tick Tick … ….breath in breath out….. no I think ill answer, “ why would I do that? When my best days are ahead of me.”