I sat in his chair no more than 5 minutes before he began to tell me of his childhood. The sinking of the boat when the entire family escaped Saigon. He was only 6. The weeks on the island, eating what they could find. He spoke of the rescue they received from the U.S. Military – how they were loaded onto a battleship – but then headed into the direction they had escaped from – only to spend 10 months in a Malaysian relocation camp waiting to find out if the were to be accepted in the United States on Visas.

They were.

His entire family survived.

He spoke while he meticulously wrapped the foils on my head – tears fell down my cheeks – I couldn’t help it. When he discovered my crying he laughed, as though this story should not have moved me at all – he seemed oddly separated from it. I immediately told him he needed to write this all down. He said, “Isn’t this a story like that of so many others?”

Perhaps.

“And after all”, he went on, “I have been here 37 years and there is far more to my story you have yet to hear.”

Precisely.

He went on to tell me of his family’s tremendous accomplishments. His obvious pride in them was on face as he shared the details. Then he told of the challenges he faced in relationship with his father – as well as the violent personal struggles he has had in his life. It became clear to me that he did not see himself as an over-comer or a survivor – but a rebellious member of a family divided.

Tragic.

Woven throughout his story was a deep sensitivity to the human condition – which had clearly grown out of his childhood memories – his extreme wealth as a youth here in the U.S. – and periods of suffering as an adult.

I explained to him that “where I come from” it is a “WE” program. That in the telling of our own survival we allow others to glean hope. I encouraged him to begin at the beginning – to write it all down as he remembered it – withholding nothing from himself – that in doing so he would find healing for himself as well as anyone who was privileged to read it. He began to see that the perspectives he had developed were intensely unique and he was the only one capable of delivering HIS particular messages.

All of us have been sent through a path of experiences that are fundamentally our own. Those who have survived – who have learned valuable lessons of humanity, love and spirituality – MUST tell our stories.

I am deeply grateful to have heard his.

What’s yours?

A dialogue about “deflection” – between the evil El Guapo and his side-kick, Jefe – in preparation for El Guapo’s birthday celebration:

JEFE – I think you will like your other presents too. I have put many beautiful pinatas in the storeroom… each of them filled with little surprises.

EL GUAPO – Many pinatas?

JEFE – Oh, yes, many.

EL GUAPO – Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?

JEFE – A what?

EL GUAPO – A plethora.

JEFE – what is a “plethora”?

EL GUAPO – Why? You told me I have a plethora… and I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is. I would not like to think
that a person would tell someone he has a plethora and find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.

JEFE – Forgive me, El Guapo. I know that I, Jefe, do not have
your superior intellect and education. But could it be that, once again…you are angry at something else and are looking to take it out on me?

NINA (upon watching scene) – deep sigh of recognition

I have met so many people, and consider so many of them “friends” - yet I often find myself feeling deeply alone much of the time. The lifestyle I chose for myself, with it’s constant movement, is not conducive to the development of the usual long-term friendship. Those I have collected over the years – and who remain – are unique and rather patient. In addition, I am not in contact with my family of origin – save my sister, who I have thankfully and just recently begun to communicate with by telephone. And my parents have passed – contributing to the experience of being a sort of satellite in the world at times.

This blog presented a dilemma of it’s own as my “social network adviser” and dear friend, happens to also be a “travel blogger” – a backpacker. (Check her out at http://ALittleAdrift.com) We must communicate via Skype while she is gallivanting around the world! Many of the professional contacts I am connected to, and the people I consider dear are not in close proximity – which adds to this “alone” experience – and can get rather tiresome.

Today I received a tiny package from a friend I have known most of my life. We met in 7th grade PE class. I was sent to school on the first day we had to “dress down”, with no tennis shoes! She had an extra pair. What kid has an extra pair of tennis shoes in 7th grade? Never mind that she was tall and slim and wore three sizes larger than my stubby frame – but “don’t look a gift horse”… and all of that! I learned immediately that she was always hyper-prepared – and still is by the way! You should see her spice drawer! But today’s package, well…it was more than a gift. I was reminded in receiving it, that there are some individuals who know us more deeply even than our birth families.

As I embark on yet another chapter of my crazy life which never stops – meeting with musicians, promoters, venue owners, and my wonderful life coach (over the phone mind you) I found in my pile of mail a beautiful hand written note-card stating, among other incredibly sweet things, that she had read my blog (I had no idea anyone was reading my blog!) – and a package with a wrapped box inside. It was a lovely sterling silver pendant on a chain that said “Sing!”.

Attached to the pendant was a card that reads…

“…to sparkle and to shine one need only smile and accept who you are and what you love.”

Accept who I am?! Accept who I am?! Sing?! WOW! Now if you only knew how utterly ridiculously miraculous that is in light of the focus of my project, last weeks workshop topic, and the subject of the lecture I had received today from Samantha (my life coach) you would take in a deep “NO WAY!” breath with me now!

But all you need to know is that true friends can feel you across time. Absolutely. They can and do. And this precious girl (ok woman… we’re not in 7th grade anymore, huh?) reached out for some wild reason and sent me this item which touched and inspired me so deeply it’s remarkable!

Think today, of an old friend of yours. Who knows? Maybe you lent your gym shoes to somebody less fortunate too! Man, I was a dork! And allow yourself to be completely inspired to reach out to them across time. I promise you they will be touched by the gesture, and in a most amazing way. Please come back here and tell me about the experience! I’d love to know.

Thank you, Susan. So, so much.

Although I have learned and taught “active listening” for multiple applications – sales applications, acting courses, and the like – I can be so damnably hard of hearing! Listening for situational use can be a deceiving practice. Listen – assimilate – repeat – “feel felt found” – blah blah blah! I think I had convinced myself that in the process I was actually “taking in” everything the other party was saying with great empathy every time – and responding appropriately. This week I learned quite a lesson – perhaps I am not applying this well all the time, and often where it is most important.

My beautiful daughter and I had been having some challenges with communication of late. Not abnormal apparently! But she and I had been unusually close throughout the years and I was now certain that she had gone insane so I set up some firm boundaries. She, certain of the same about me and having been raised extremely well also established boundaries! At a stand still we did not speak. It was crushing! I was consumed with thoughts of the worst of her… she must have been consumed with horrible thoughts of me. WOW! There go my assumptions, huh? Nevertheless we were both hurt and reluctant to approach communication with one another due to previous failed attempts to scale the brick wall of ME in the past. When she called I dropped all self protection and perked up my ears like never before! I missed her so terribly.

What I learned from my rather astute and lovely daughter among other things – when we did sit down together to talk – was how difficult it was for her to express her multiply faceted self in the face of ME! This often bombastic, uni-dimensional, hyper-focused person! I had approached my adolescence in a completely different manner than she. Although we are so very much alike – she had been given many more options in her life, therefore, was not like me at all! My daughter did not turn out to be so hard headed, so driven, so professionally focused. In fact, I had raised a daughter with softer edges and more humanity. Imagine that! I had raised a citizen poet – who had all the comprehension of her own potential and personal freedoms but none of the haste! And I did not agree with everything she said. I just heard her, finally, and without judgment.

How in the world did THAT happen?

She asked me to stop crying as the epiphany struck. I could not. I suddenly saw her as so many colors – and myself as a block of three rather dull hues – having often beaten her over the head with them – “my ways” of doing things! After all they yielded results! I wept for the many times I had not heard her sweet tiny voice because I was attempting to control the outcome of the conversation rather than allowing her to become herself. Sorry for all the times of telling instead of guiding her into the self she was intended to be.

I have always been aware that listening and hearing are two completely different skills sets – and I speak often about our ability to execute more effectively outside of family what we cannot seem to do within our family units – for whatever reason. I have clients who are thrilled with my ability to “hear” them without judgment, and to promote their life goals! Perhaps when it comes to those closest to us, it’s fear which clogs our ears.

My daughters life has always signified rebirth/renewal for me. Her name means “resurrection life” in the Greek. Time and again she has inspired me to renew my faith, in myself and in God. I am grateful once again for this opportunity to mature through her.

I have decided to alter my vocabulary as a result of this lesson – a hearing aid of sorts. When in conversation – I will never again say, “Yes, I’m listening” instead I will listen intently and when my heart receives the other persons message I will respond with “I hear you”. I should have been practicing that long ago!

I am a risk taker.

For example, in business, with proper planning and execution – I expect to have great success because I’m in 100% – all or nothing. In relationships, however, it’s not so easy is it? Whether it’s a marriage, a child or even a close friendship – one can plan, discuss, dream and no matter how one longs for the “big payoff” – there is another person involved – someone elses WILL! As long as you are clear on that going into relationships then you’re golden – but let’s be honest – how many of us truly are?

I do not gamble anymore. I used to bet it all on Black 13, 17 and 31 – I played the corners and sides too. I was a “careful” player and would watch the wheel for awhile before placing my chips. My father taught me to do so in Atlantic City once, at the Playboy Club – I was 15. He believed the wheel would hit around the same set of numbers – then shift. That shift was supposed to be my time to bet. It often worked, remarkably. It often did not. What my father forgot to tell me was that it was a game of pure chance. He was a gambling addict. So am I – and it only took one serious panic attack – after picking up my chips too soon to tell me that.

No matter how long one stands and watches the Roulette wheel, there really is no positive determining factor which allows a player to predict the next number which the little ball will plop into. Not even close. My dad would have done me better to teach me to play Poker, Black Jack, or even Craps. At least those have more skill and potential to advance against the house – more odds to control.

Similarly, there is no positive determinant factor when predicting human behavior. I know, I know – “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior”. But trust me even that one can be overruled by one good midlife crisis!
And the correlating statement is also true – just because someone behaved in a certain way in the past does not necessarily predict future behavior.

Throughout my life I have learned to create professional scenarios in which my risks paid off. I learned to watched the stock market fluctuations – and even won the California Investors Competition in High School – gaining 26% on a fictitious $100,000 in just 6 weeks. (I bought Playboy the week a Senators wife was to appear on the cover, Dad raised me well, huh?) Sheesh! I have developed winning business strategies, as well as career plans for clients which have brought them great reward.

Then there are these pesky matters of the heart. You see, I am confident in my ability in business – as well as my ability to recover – there I relying on my own efforts and instincts. Those instincts have led me a bit astray when it comes to love. And not just romantic love – but ALL relationships requiring effort and boundary setting. That is not to say that I have been irrecoverably busted – it’s just that living over and again the lesson that one cannot control the behavior or choices of others has not been an easy one for me. I like predictable outcomes and having intimacy with human beings is the most unpredictable risk one can take.

It’s sort of like the Roulette wheel – you enter said relationship, everybody agrees on the rules, you watch the wheel awhile, then you bet it ALL! No matter how much planning and preparation – no matter how much design one puts into the thing – no matter how many times you repeat the rulebook or how loudly – there is another person there too with their own version of the same! YOU cannot think for this person, choose for them or control them. Sometimes they will even change the rules – for me that is absolute torture!

So by now you’d think I would swear off humans altogether – but just the opposite is true. I am drawn inexplicably into the nature of this gamble – because the payoff – when it works – when the other party responds and reciprocates it is a phenomenal experience! Even when they don’t, I know I am better for having chosen to love with all I know than not.

I recently re-read (for like the 10th time) Viktor Frankl’s, “Man’s Search For Meaning”. (If you have not read it, please do nothing else this week!!!!) After some description of life as a prisoner of the Nazis – he describes a moment when during a march to a work-site in terrible physical and psychological pain – he is inspired to continue on by the image of his wife. He states the following:

“…as we stumbled on for miles, slipping on icy spots, supporting each other… Occasionally I looked at the sky, where the stars were fading and the pink light of morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife’s image…
A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire…. The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world, still may know bliss…in the contemplation of his beloved.”
Wash Square Press paperback 1985 ed
from pgs 56-57

(please, please, please read the rest of that paragraph – and the entire book!!!)

My dad left out the part about the house always having better odds in Roulette and nobody told me that with all the superior achievements elsewhere in life relationship requires a cooperative effort. But unlike gambling the payoff for merely playing is monumental! The greater we risk the greater the payoff. I always play to win – I expect exceptional results from we ordinary humans – I recommend you do the same.

Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

My computer knows when to test my serenity
And it seizes
It also holds meetings with the server
To make certain that it operates at it’s optimally slowest capacity
As well as telepathically communicating with my 3 dogs
Who invariably leave me little “gifts” on the carpet while I am distracted
Attempting to solve the technical problems it presents me with
I have come to believe that my neighbor’s child is now involved with the coupe
For she will peer slyly over the fence
During times I am in repose – trying to collect myself
Or holding private conversations in my backyard
Trust me
My computer knows

“Your attempt to Edit New Post “My Computer Knows” has failed please try again”
….that really just happened