Don't Step in the Poop

Glenn Beck Leaves Fox News to Become Self-Help Guru

Carlon — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 16:28:30 +0000

In an exclusive, longtime friend of the blog, Glenn Beck has revealved to Don’t Step in the Poop that he will leave his Fox show in order to become a self-help guru.

He will be promote his new self-help course called, “How to Keep Your Ginormous Stash of Cash by Stopping ‘Them’ from Taking You Down.”

In his new book and $50,000 weekend retreats, Beck will empower the masses of people who can afford his retreats by teaching them how to overcome the external forces that are conspiring to take them down.

“It’s all about, what I call, the Law of Trutherism,” Beck says. ”The people I want to help are part of a persecuted minority–the rich! And these people are the only ones with the financial resources to tell the truth. When you go out there and tell the Truth, you will attract people who will stop at nothing to TAKE YOU DOWN.”

Some business executives who were given a sneak preview of Beck’s $100,000 Platinum retreat came away impressed.

“You know, I always thought that the good or bad things that happened to me were due to my mindset, but Beck showed me that while the good things that happen to me are the result of my positive mindset, the bad things that happen to me are the result of a Global Cabal dedicated to bringing me down because I’m rich!”

Though new to the self-help game, Beck is already changing the industry.

“The problem with most self-help is this odd fascination with LOVE and consciousness and mystic forces. What good is LOVE when the Global Cabal determined to destroy the rich has you living in a gutter? What I bring to the table is the realization that it is not internal cosmic forces that determine your success; rather it is in the triumph of your internal pocketbook over external malevolent forces determined to TAKE YOU DOWN! No one has the guts to admit that evil forces are out there that are actively trying to destroy rich people. Looks like I stand alone–again!”

When asked to respond to the future critics, Beck replied (with a trademark he is currently liscensing from DSP) by extending his middle finger in the air and saying, “Law of Attract This!”

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4 Situations Where Positive Thinking Could Get You Killed

Carlon — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 16:01:42 +0000

Ah, the cult of Positive Thinking. Today, I was reading once again how positive thinking will solve all my problems and that all my problems are caused by my negative thoughts. But it got me thinking–if positive thinking is the cure-all for all your problems, then certainly positive thinking is ALWAYS a good thing.

Or is it?

Could positive thinking hurt you or worse yet–can positive thinking get you killed?

We’ve disovered a few situations where it’s a distinct possibility.

1. Just one more drink (for the road) won’t kill me

For all that’s said about alcohol being a depressant, it sure can turn people into a positive lot. It’s amazing what a drunk person thinks he or she can do.

Soome things seem like really great ideas when drunk…like driving.

Yeah, it’s a real downer to think you can die when you’re drunk. Or it’s even a bigger downer to tell your buddy he can’t drive. Or maybe you have to spend an hour driving someone you don’t even like that much to their house way out on the other side of town because although they positively believe they can drive, you know they’re way too shi#tfaced to do it (you know who you are).

Those are negative things to think about, but thinking otherwise could wind up killing someone.

The Power of Drunk Positive Thinking at Work

2. That light won’t be turning red anytime soon (or I have plenty of time to cross before the train gets there)

I used to watch this really cool PSA on TV where some woman goes on about how she can beat the train and then BAM! She’s toast! It’s a downer.

Yeah…you can positive think that nothing will happen to you, but it’s that kind of positive thinking that’ll get you killed!

He was positively smashed by the train

3. It’s just a little mole…no need to worry about that

No one wants to think they will die. I know I don’t. But there are many situations where you’d rather just wish that mole wasn’t skin cancer. Sure, it’s a more positive thought. But contrary to the outlandish claims on those on the fringe of the positive thinking movement–positive thinking won’t cure cancer.

But ignoring posible health risks by wishing for the best is a recipe for–wait for it–death.

4. My abusive relationship is going to get better.

We really hate to put this here because of the psychological issues involved (and it kind of falls in the pointing out the obvious category), but hoping someone abusing you will change will not make them change.

No positive affirmations will do it.

Leaving the relationship will do it, however.

For all that power of positive thinking stuff, we feel that the whole “taking some serious action” to be a far more effective method for not getting killed. Just a thought to ponder on this glorious day.

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5 Self-Help Tips from Charlie Sheen

Carlon — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 15:06:03 +0000

The New "Winning" Self Help Guru

Charlie Sheen was everywhere. Now, he’s nowhere. Or so it would seem. The truth is that DSP has had Charlie here at the DSP-HQ to teach the staff his “secrets”. We’ve been so overwhelmed by his Sheen-ness that we haven’t even been able to post to this blog. But DSP had a wake-up call when “they” attacked us and tried to silence us–causing DSP to go down. But we’re back and we refuse to back down.

So, to teach “them” a lesson we are posting some of the Teachings of Sheen that were taught to us by the Sheen himself, with special muscial guest Matthew McConaughey on bongos.

Sheenism #1 Can’t is the cancer of happen!

By saying “can’t” you make things NOT happen. Can’t is for the trolls. It’s not for Vatican assassin warlocks like you.

Sheenism #2 Close your eyes and make it happen with the power of your mind

Like Charlie got off drugs with the power of his mind and unlearned 22 years of AA fiction, you too can make IT HAPPEN with the power of your mind. You’ve got the power within–use it!

Sheenism #3 Your life is an education for your children.

Like when Charlie’s kids grow up and look back at his life they will say, “And then, like, this, and then that’s the guy, and that’s our dad and we can get all the answers and the truth? Wow, winning!” That just says it all.

Sheenism #4 You are special, so the rules for most people don’t apply.

You see, people wil try to put you in a box. They will try to define you. They will make rules that really don’t apply to you and then you end up feeling un-empowered because the rules are slanted against you. Do not believe that if you do something then you have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.

Sheenism #5 Don’t pretend to be something you are not.

Always you are trying to make yourself into something you’re not. It’s time you stop pretending to be something you are not. Don’t lower yourself just to make others feel better. Like us, you’re tired of pretending you’re not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars. Time to smack reality in the face and live it!

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Inspirational Anthony Robbins Quotes That Make Us Say “Huh?”

Carlon — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 16:27:36 +0000

DSP quote-master, Tony Robbins

Lately, my legions of fans keep asking me why I’m not posting. So, I thought I’d address that quickly I’m working on my new book Law of Attract This! (Insert awesome subtitle here that’ll promptly make you want to buy this book right now–it’s magnetic).

Who knows when I’ll ever finish, but even an unfinished copy is bound to rival Dianetics in sheer confusion yet awesomeness.

But I took a break today to get some inspiration, and as loyal DSP readers know, the best place to look for inspiration is from people who make a living inspiring others. A quick search on the net and I came across some quote from one of our favorite guys–Anthony “Tony” Robbins.

To dude’s a quote factory. He’s so good at it that he quotes himself in his own books. How’s that for awesome? So, the DSP staff gathered some of our favorite Anthony Robbins quotes and pondered their significance in the universe.

“If you can’t you must, and if you must you can.”

And if you musn’t, then you cannot?

“Success in life is the result of good judgment. Good judgment is usually the result of experience. Experience is usually the result of bad judgment.”

So, I learn from my mistakes? Is that it?

“You can’t have a plan for your day, ‘til you have a plan for your life.”

So, does this mean I can’t do my shopping until I figure out what I want out of life. If so, I think I’ll starve.

“Focus equals feeling.”

But my feeling is a little out of focus

“For changes to be of any true value, they’ve got to be lasting and consistent.”

But what if they’re bad changes?

“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”

But what if I like what I’m getting?

“In life you need either inspiration or desperation.”

Or it leads to constipation!

“It not knowing what to do, it’s doing what you know.”

How do you do what you know without first knowing what to do?

“It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.”

“If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.” –Geddy Lee

“Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.”

Damn straight, Tony…death won’t let us do any of those things.

“People are not lazy. They simply have impotent goals – that is, goals that do not inspire them.”

My goal is to get a whole lot of money for doing nothing. It inspires me.

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.”

But what if it’s a BAD decision?

“The meeting of preparation with opportunity generates the offspring we call luck.”

So, how do I prepare to be born into a fabulously wealthy family?

“There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.”

And one of those results is failure!

“Most people fail in life because they major in minor things.”

Hey, what’s going on here. I thought there was no failure?

“I’ve come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy.”

Why does he keep talking about failure? It was only results.

“You always succeed in producing a result.”

I get it now. Even if I fail, I succeeded because I produced a result, which is failure. And even though it’s failure, it’s still a result. And if producing results makes me successful, then even producing the result of failure makes me successful. It’s all clear to me now!

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7 Secrets of Success from Donald Trump

Carlon — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 14:55:21 +0000

Here at DSP, we are committed to helping you be the most successful YOU you can be. After watching thousands of videos and reading millions of books about being successful, we realized many follow the same formula:

Interview “successful” people
Extrapolate qualities from said people
Tell people to act like that

So, DSP has decided to get into the “success” business by looking a successful people and discovering their success secrets. We might even run a whole series of “success secrets of the successful”. Who knows?

So, today, we present to you the success secrets of one of the most successful people in the world: Donald Trump.

#1 Go Broke

OK. Trump didn’t personally go broke We want to make this clear because we don’t want to incur the Donald’s #4 secret of success.

But if you do want to be successful, going broke is essential.

In the millions of success books, everyone says they were broke or living out of their cars, so it must be a secret to success, right?

The Donald is no different.

Almost going personally broke and going business-y broke is just one of those things that made him successful. And if you want to be successful, you’d better start going broke TODAY!

#2 Get divorced

DSP doesn’t advocate divorce…unless you wanna be successful, that is!

We’d even argue that Trump gets more successful with every new wife.

So, to be successful like Trump, it’s time to Dump the Chump!

#3 Deny the obvious

They say Trump is bald. But we’ll never know because The Donald denies it. You see, if you don’t confirm it, it’s not true.

Oh some brainiac will probably show some “evidence” but as long a you deny it, you’ll always be in the clear. So, you’d best start looking at what’s obvious around you, and start denying it!

#4 Sue People

You can’t be successful if you’re not involved in a lawsuit. The Donald sues people all the time. And you know he does when his lawyer is the star of his reality TV show.

Speaking of which…

#5 Get on reality TV

There are far too many whiners out there who are not successful because they do not get on reality TV.

Seriously people? All that effort you spend working at your J-O-B could be used to get on reality TV.

The Donald has proven that reality TV is where it’s at.

Seriously, did any of you even remember who Flava Flav was until he became a reality TV franchise. YEAHHHHHHHHH……BOOOOYYYYYYYYY!

Definitely a student of The Donald

#6 Sell vitamins

Trump sells vitamins. Lots of people sell vitamins. It’s not even regulated or anything like that. So, you can sell vitamins too.

We’ve advocated this before. Trump is just further proof that there is a vitamin-success link.

#7 Play golf

People who play golf are winners. The DSP editor proves this every week by kicking the crap out of the DSP staff at miniature golf every week. Of course, he threatens to fire anyone who beats him.

The last intern who dared score first got the ultimate tribute to The Donald:

“You’re Fired!”

* Hilarious Trump photo by this guy.Similar Posts:

4 Fool-Proof Ways to Become a Law of Attraction Expert

Carlon — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 19:55:29 +0000

The Law of Attraction is like all the other scientific laws, except you don’t need to be a scientist and get all those fancy degrees to become an expert in it. No, siree. It’s easy to become an expert in the Law of Attraction. Anyone can do it. And the best part is you can make A LOT more money as a Law of Attraction expert than those scientists with fancy degrees and titles.

All you need to know is HOW to become an expert.

Since no university has the guts to start a program in this age-old scientific principle, DSP is here to fill the void.

We’ll take you step by step through 4 fool-proof methods that are virtually guaranteed to turn you from Law of Attraction groupie to Law of Attraction ROCK STAR!!!!!

Method #1: The Literary Method

-Go on Amazon and just randomly pick a book with “Law of Attraction” in the title.
-Read book.
-Create a web site paraphrasing the book.
-You’re an expert.

Method #2: The Secret Method

-Watch the Secret.
-Make a web site quoting The Secret and/or name-dropping people in The Secret.
-You’re an expert.

Method #3: The Cosmic Method

This one is also known as the “channel the spirits of space beings (or talk in funny voices)” Method

It’s a little harder than the others, but it can be more profitable since you could make branch out into speaking with the dead, palm reading, or any such other practice.

-Read books on The Law of Attraction.
-Develop a high pitched voice and a low pitched voice.
-Make a web site and upload a video of you talking to people about the Law of Attraction in those funny voices
-You’re an expert.

#4 The Nike Method (Just Do It)

Just say you’re an expert

-Make a web site proclaiming you’re an expert in the Law of Attraction
-If anyone questions you (they won’t), just say they don’t understand the Law of Attraction. You never lose!

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Retarded Self-Help Advice You’ve Probably Paid to Hear

Carlon — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 21:14:07 +0000

We at DSP are often shocked at what passes for advice. What shocks us even more is how much money people pay for bad advice.

But never fear. We now offer you some gems of retarded advice that you’ve probably paid to hear.

Ditch your friends

You’ve probably heard this one phrased something like:

“You’re trying to improve your life, but your friends want to tear you down. So, you need to get rid of those friends.”

Those darn “friends” always telling you not to follow stupid advice.

Now ask yourself this: who knows you better–a motivational speaker trying to sell you something or the people that have been close to you your entire life?

The ditch your friends advice is typical for those tying to get you to not listen to people telling you how retarded their advice is.

Get rid of all negative things

Negative is usually defined as “crap that bothers me”. But here’s a news flash: it’s not all about YOU. If I spent all my time getting rid of things that annoy me or make me feel bad, then that pretty much rules out 99% of my life.

Seriously think about how retarded that is.

The whole idea that you can actually get rid of negative things is retarded. What’s negative anyway?

Bills?
Taxes?

Spicy food?

Hate to be the bearer of reality, but success depends on how you deal with and overcome negative things, not how hard you try to get rid of them.

It’s OK to be an Asshole

There’s a fine line between being confident and just being a douchebag.
Some “gurus” have no clue what the difference is. But if you need to be an asshole to be confident, then I suggest that you get good at something instead.

Nothing inspires confidence more than being good at something.

Your miserable because your vibrations are all wrong

I once got terrible motion sickness riding a double decker bus in London.
I was miserable because the vibrations were all wrong.

That’s the only situation I can think of when vibrations make you miserable. Feel free to leave hilarious comments abut how vibrations can also make you feel good. Come on, you know you want to…

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Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions

Carlon — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 19:22:34 +0000

Drinking more just missed the cut!

Every eyar, people make New Year’s resolutions. And every year, I blog about how they don’t work. Well, enough of that! this year, I thought I’d blog on my (non-) resolutions.

Others may not like them, but I think they’ll be easier to keep than the usual ones.

1. Get disorganized

I’ve already begun. I wrote this post December 31st. But I’m just posting it now. See how disorganized I’ve become?

2. Blog very rarely and make the posts low quality

The disorganization will make me a less prolific blogger! And to boot, I’ll probably just write a sentence or two. Or I could be like one of my “fans” who paid me “tribute” my stealing my content and claiming it was his.

3. Gain 20 pounds in 6 weeks

It’ll take hard work and discipline, but I will gain the weight. I dropped my gym membership and am now determined to live the sedentary lifestyle. But to reach my goal, I’ll need to change my eating habits, so….

4. Eat more fast food

Cookig at home every nght blows! And since I am working hard to gain weight for the New Year, I’m switching to fast food.

5. Watch the new Oprah network for inspiration

Nothing inspires a man more than Oprah! She’s a testament to those of us hoping to gain wight. If Oprah can gain weight, then I CAN do it too!

6. Start smoking

Since I quit smoking years ago, I’ve been like a pariah to the whole family. They sit in their smoking rooms taking smoking breaks. I feel left out. It’s time to start again. But smoking is so dang expensive. No matter because my next resolution is…

7. Get into debt

All my friends get calls from bill collectors. I feel totally left out. Everyone has a better car, bigger TV, bigger house….isn’t it time that I too start living the good life?

8. Stop enjoying life

The guys on the fourth floor are always riding me for my constant enjoyment of life and work/life balance Well, enough of that! Time to start burning the midnight oil. My 9-hour days are too short anyway. It’s time to start cranking it up. And to do that, we get to my next resolution:

9. Spend less time with family

I won’t let that whole family thing get in the way of my work. It’s called priorities.

10. Stop helping others

Isn’t it about time I get with the program and start claiming to help others by pumping them full of sunshine but in truth make their lives worse and their wallets lighter?

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How Criticism Can Make You a Damn Fine Human Being

Carlon — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 16:45:48 +0000

When most people hear the word criticism, they cringe They get all weepy and defensive. I wonder why because I LOVE criticism. I don’t mean I love to criticize others. I mean, I actually like getting criticism. Why? Because criticism will make you a damn fine human being.

Here’s how:

1. Criticism can restore your sense of right and wrong when it goes off-track

Oh, we all lose our sense of right and wrong sometimes (well…some people do). But what better way to remind you of when you’re becoming a total bastard than someone criticizing you.

One of my favorite “hate blogs” is the Salty Droid. You see, Salty is not a fan of scamming internet marketers. He points out who is scamming and relentlessly goes after them.

I don’t agree with EVERYTHING Salty complains about, but I can’t argue with his results.

A bunch of internet marketers had sudden crises of consciousness and turned over a whole new leaf (some real; some supposed). They are not only the most ethical people in the world, but they want the whole world to know it.

It’s like they’re falling all over themselves to show how ethical they are.

Of course, the other side just calls Salty a bunch of names and the standard “you’re jealous” and “you’re a hater” defense.

But by exposing the scam artists, Salty’s forced wanna-be scam artists to examine their own sense of morality. If there is no one to criticize, then the fence sitters just go along with the scammers.

Critics like Salty keep them honest.

Who is your Salty Droid? (if Salty should choose to sell anything with that phrase on it…coffee mugs, T-shirts, etc…I hope he’ll cut me in).

2. Criticism makes you smarter

People criticize me. They are always 100% wrong!

Just kidding (maybe).

The truth is you’re not as smart (or dumb) as you think you are. By someone reminding you of the things you don’t know, it keeps you strving for more.

Not everyone can know EVERYTHING (unless, he’s the DSP editor), but by knowing what you don’t know, you automatically become smarter.

Socrates, or someone like him, said that.

3. Criticism makes you better at what you do

On this blog, I’ve had my “critics” (my hate mail page gives you a taste). But I’ve also had some excellent people who have given me great advice on things to write about and pointed out when I may have got someone slightly (oh so slightly) wrong.

It makes me a better blogger.

But this blog isn’t all. In my real life, many people have given what I thought was negative criticism but instead turned out to be excellent life advice.

If you are surrounded by people who just say “YES” all the time, you won’t be better at what you do.

So, those are just some of the ways criticism makes you a damn fine human being.

So, get a thicker skin and enjoy life!

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Ask Sham: The Law of Attraction is not working for me. Is there something wrong with me?

sham — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 14:33:54 +0000

For a while, DSP has considered having guest authors on this blog. As an experiment, we are welcoming Friend (yet adversary) of the Blog, Sham Scammerschmidt, to answer your questions regarding life issues and anything related to the Law of Attraction. Sham is a Life Attraction coach who is considered by some (himself) to be the foremost expert on the Eternal Law of Attraction, which is like the normal Law of Attraction only way more powerful.

So begins our first column “Ask Sham”. We have taken some questions to the editor and given them to Sham for his review.

Sham,

The Law of Attraction is not working for me. Is there something wrong with me?

Feeling unattracted

Dear Feeling Unattracted,

There is no easy way to tell you this, but…YES. There is something wrong with you. You obviously are not trying hard enough to attract the positive and let go of the negative. Who’s fault is that? It’s not the LOA’s fault. It’s yours. The Law of Attraction only works for people who can understand its complexity.
You see, as a Law of Attraction Spiritual Guide, I not only know the secret behind the secret, but I know the secret behind the secret behind the secret. And that secret is simple: the Universe sometimes chooses sides and The Big U doesn’t like some people–like YOU.

But even though the Universe has labeled you persona non grata, you might be able to do something about it. For a limited time only, I’m offering a private one-hour phone consulting session for the outrageously low price of $1,499. I usually charge $10,000 an hour. But the great unbounded LOVE within me is flooding into the physical plane, thus demanding that I help the less fortunate. In just five minutes I can change the way the Universe feels about you. I can use your time to help you break through your doubts, fears, and negative energy. So, please take advantage of this offer or you’ll be doomed to a life of working at McDonald’s.

Sham,

My mother is always telling me to get a job but I want to start my own MLM business. How can I tell my mother about my dream and get her to stop giving me a hard time and accept me for who I am.

Bummed out in Mom’s basement

Dear Bummed,

As you go through life, your energies change and are colored by the prisms in the ethereal plane. As you probably read in my 11-page book, “The Colors of Existence” (available on my web site for a mere $49.99), I say that, “The colors that surround you at any given time determine the dynamics of personal relationships”

Using the powers bestowed upon me by various Universal energies, I can sense that you are surrounded by blue and red tones. This is usually fine, red stokes the passions that can lead to a successful business. But your mother’s colors are an off shade of white.

It is crucial that you change this dynamic immediately. The best way is to ask your mother for some money. Tell her you will need it to secure employment. Don’t worry, you won’t be lying because when you invest in my “Anything’s Possible” Bootcamp, then everything will be possible. For an alarmingly modest price of $10,000, you will sit side by side with me for 4 hours while I realign your colors.

One your colors are realigned, ANYTHING will be possible. Your mother will finally be proud of you and you’ll be proud of yourself. But please don’t hesitate. Hesitation is a bad color and leads to the cruelest of fates.

If you have a question for Sham, leave them in the comment section or use the form on the About page.

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