dont talk to me about life

Truth lies and convenient memories

2013-03-13T04:05:00.000-07:00

I’ve always believed people are more or honest than not, but from time to time some behavior I’ve witnessed over the years has shook that!

Is it because people have memory lapses, or is it more of case of convenient memories. When you know something that is being told to you is blatantly not true, how do you react!

Do you confront that person and get in to an argument, well that depends who it is and what it is. I always believe once you’ve crossed that line and called someone a liar it is hard to re build a relationship! We’ve all been told miss truths, a friend told me his 2 litre diesel is 245 bhp, no it isn’t but the next engine size up is…..I’ve checked! But does it matter, no if it makes him feel happy!

A favorite one the recruitment business uses appears to be to advertise jobs that don’t exist. Over the years I have applied for the odd job, and it’s amazing how many times that the job just posted has been filled. Really, so you are not just topping up your CV bank!

I saw a comedian last year and one of his lines was, we all have a little voice in our heads! We know we shouldn’t let that voice speak, but sometimes it does…..and that’s the crap hits the fan! Sadly crap sticks!

I wonder do people convince themselves they are telling the truth or are they bare faced liars! I worked for a company a many years ago and when I beat my targets we had arguments! You would think that was a good thing…no, they had to pay me more commission. When in reality they wanted to pay me a set amount when that was exceeded the cunning plan was foiled and they were aggrieved……a guess, but why else complain!

Forget that I’d done a dam good job and earned them lots of cash. That was a minor detail, more like that was history and Oh crap I need to cough up some money….but it’s all mine and you can’t have any, Mr Burns syndrome (The Simpson’s) perhaps!!!!!

It was like that every time, it got so bad that every time they paid commission it was weeks before the boss could utter more than a grunt to me. I once brought up the fact he behaved like that and all I got was……no I don’t…..I thought am I living in a parallel universe……again, perhaps?

This man turned up to work in a flash car the day he laid off most of the workers, now there’s a man with no respect, self important little chap?

When I left he claimed he told me my target had changed and refused to pay me. That was £10k down the drain, and being more than the small claims court limit, was I really going to risk taking legal action and loosing much more? He never put anything in writing so what was the point. Even considered having a word with HM Customs and Excise over a few bits and pieces they may have been interested in, but why? That would just make me a petty little man like him!

So lets just hope people like that can at least be honest with themselves!!!!

But perhaps we know things have a habit catching up with people, but if they do I suspect they wont be able to understand how it could happen to them, what had they ever done to serve their situation……..never mind, so one else will!

OK - or sign of the times!

2013-02-27T14:46:00.001-08:00

Golf Club Sign

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7 IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling.

Fate worse than death!?

2013-02-27T00:50:00.002-08:00

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to

Australia

tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to

Australia

, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to

Australia

.”

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

Think before you ask that question!

2011-12-06T13:03:00.000-08:00

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds........

Christmas Party Invitation

2011-12-01T01:51:00.000-08:00

STAFF HOLIDAY PARTY

FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th DECEMBER
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Patricia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patricia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE : 6th December
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patricia .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during day light hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Patricia .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director
TO: All F***** G Employees
DATE: 8 December
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings, too.

They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 12th December
RE: Patricia Harris and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patricia a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Another Friday!

2011-11-11T01:50:00.000-08:00

It's a sign of getting older when the days fly by!

In truth the years fly by, it seems like yesterday when I was walking to school. Companies where I worked for five years seem the same as those I was at for one year! I talk to some people who say that they can't wait to get up and find out what the new day has in store.....and what challenges lay ahead.

Now you can take more than one view on that! You can thing, boring sad, git get a life there's more than work. You could also say, lucky git! Feeling like a child at Christmas everyday and having that enthusiasm and the joy that brings must be brilliant.

Now where else did you feel that child at Christmas feeling?

First kiss
New bike
First job
Exam success
First house
First proper girlfriend.....and all that entails!
Getting married
Getting divorced
Son/daughter being born

I'm sure there are many more, now it is entirely possible those people don't get excited by the above or possibly go in to hyper drive and jump up and down if fit to explode, not a pretty sight.

Two skills it would be great to have!

See yourself as others see you
Know how others are feeling

Or is that a little too scary? Would we do things the same if we did know how others saw us, I suspect not entirely. To know how others were feeling, well what an advantage. As a salesman, bingo! With a girlfriend/wife no more rows.....no wait a minute, that's not going to happen! We men are never going to win that one, if we got that right every time we would be predictable if we made them happy all the time they would be miserable. They would have to look for problems otherwise it wouldn't seem normal. Or is that the cynical ramblings of a man that has been married twice!

Anyway, it's the weekend.......soon!

Housework, chores and maybe a drink or two?

FORD AND RENAULT PROJECT?

2011-11-03T02:19:00.000-07:00

NEW 2012 FORD?

It's been suggested that Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women which should be far less susceptible to theft.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, calling it the "Clitaurus."

The average male thief won't be able to find it, let alone operate the damn thing.

Happy "Belated" Halloween

2011-11-01T07:45:00.000-07:00

Women!

2011-10-29T00:48:00.000-07:00

Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks their wings,
they simply continue to fly....on a broomstick.
They are flexible like that.

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2011

2011-10-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2011 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2011 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not sit still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2011 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt..

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2011 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.

2011 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2011 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher.. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2011 - ATF&E, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated.
Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Wally falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Nancy. Nancy hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Wally feels better and goes on playing.

2011 - Nancy is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison... Wally undergoes 5 years of therapy.
This is a American story, but not too different to the UK

This be should sent to every email in box to show how stupid we have become!

Two Italians on a Bus

2011-10-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,  But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

   Emma come first.
   Den I come.
   Den two asses come together.
   I come once-a-more! .
   Two asses, they come together again.
   I come again and pee twice.
   Then I come one lasta time.'

   The lady can't take this anymore,
   "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
   She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

£5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Matthew & Son

2011-09-16T03:05:00.000-07:00

Those of you who are old enough to remember the Cat Stevens song Matthew and son, I suggest you revisit those lyrics!

“Up at eight, you can't be late for Matthew & Son, he won't wait”…why should he he’s paying your wages!

“Watch them run down to platform one and the eight-thirty train to Matthew & Son”…..That was the 60’s, OK nothings changed!

“Matthew & Son, the work's never done, there's always something new” ………..thank god for that, if this wasn’t the case you wouldn’t have a job!

“The files in your head, you take them to bed, you're never ever through. And they've been working all day, all day, all day!”……Again does sound like this person has thought a lot about what work entails!

“There's a five minute break and that's all you take, for a cup of cold coffee and a piece of cake”……Luxury, when I was a lad it was stewed tea with bread and dripping!.....Cake, must have been a southern company!

“He's got people who've been working for fifty years” ……now there’s something that’s a rarity now!

“No one asks for more money cuz nobody cares. Even though they're pretty low and their rent's in arrears” ………These days it’s often the employer who’s strapped for cash!

It wouldn’t be a leap of imagination to see this has been written by someone who didn’t work, possibly worried a lot or didn’t really get the work bit……now if Cat wrote this it’s not difficult see why he turned to drugs and later had a breakdown. The reality of life does seem to weigh a little heavy on his shoulders!

Indian Taxi Driver

2011-09-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one...

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Papatoetoe Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you,

that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself,

where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"

Looting, a solution?

2011-08-10T03:47:00.000-07:00

The reason why we have seen the rioting and the resulting looting......because the element in our society that is that way inclined has seen the lack of real enforcement of law and they want some! I understand why we fight to preserve the way we are in our country particularly having seen the Government crack downs in the Middle East this year. However we have generation of our society who have experienced no or little consequences for their actions!

I didn't know they sold comics in book shops!.....couldn't have been the books could it?

It starts at school when a teacher can’t restrain an unruly child, because they are not allowed to. When a headmaster is suspended for man handling a badly behaved child….what signals does that send out to our children!

It says loud and clear bad behaviour gets attention and limited consequences, for that individual at least! One teacher told me they talked to a parent about their child’s disruptive behaviour. The response was, I know they are like that at home but we don’t want to be too domineering because they might not like us! Oh really, wait until they are teenagers!

Another teacher once told me they disapproved of any form of corporal punishment. Why, because they hated their teachers for that when at school! What, you are there to learn how to behave and be educated in more than the 3 R’s!

Again if there are no consequences standards of behaviour decline! If you bang your head because you didn’t duck under a low beam…..you will remember that next time! Unless you are forgetful, eventually you will remember………..unless you are stupid! Or you have concussion of course!

There must always be a balance in life, overreactions result in more overreactions! Push boundaries past the balance of acceptability however and reaction must be sufficient to deter and restore the balance! Yes I know that’s the hard bit, what is sufficient?

As said to me today, evacuate the Isle of White and deport these mindless thugs!

However I don’t agree!

There are bound to be Islands in much more inhospitable places…..the Outer Hebrides perhaps!

If that’s how they want to live…..let them! But not with our tax paid for benefits!

AND NOT HERE!

Fast Food!

2011-07-29T06:57:00.001-07:00

David Is To Be Returned To Italy . A bit of cultural news for a welcome change.

After a two year loan to the United States , Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy

His Proud Sponsors were:

Personal Trainer in North Yorkshire

2011-07-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for a way to get fit, loose a few pounds, get in shape or learn a little martial arts?

Look no further talk to Josh!

His prices are very reasonable...........give him a call!

Bands, Groups and Stuff!

2011-06-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

If you've ever tried to get a band together you know what a thankless task that can be!
You get everyone interested, usually because they've register at web sites such as Forming Bands and they like the type of stuff you like or they’re friends! It all starts out that they will generally be happy to try anything you’ve suggested….mmm!

Then one tells you he got out of his last band by deliberately falling out with another band member, because they where crap! OK you know how it goes it’s usually a singer, drummer, bass and one or two guitarists!

The first time you meet the drummer can’t make it! OK let’s use a drum machine, next time the bass player and so on! Intermingled with this people start coming out with what they suddenly don’t like….then what they don’t want to play…mmm! Why can’t they say that to begin with!

There is a number of possible reasons!

· They want to get in with the intention of changing things!

· After a couple of sessions they don’t like the singer or the guitarist or the way the sound of play!

· They get other offers!

· They don’t have the balls to say “this isn’t for me!

· Or it’s just about control?

Who knows?

Sound familiar, you’ve got to wonder how bands get together and stay together!
Groups within groups, you can easily spot this. Suddenly views change to instigate change or just used as a means to an end……..however end is often the operative word and this I suspect is by design!

People……….they take some understanding!

The person who tries to organize everything is usually the person who feels they are getting the piss taken out of!

But hey, you have two options stay and moan or sod off!

I think I’ve wasted my life I should have been a philosopher………..maybe not!

The difference between men and women

2011-03-25T04:41:00.000-07:00

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol

Chat up lines!

2011-01-26T03:21:00.000-08:00

Chat up lines

From a mining town in South Yorkshire – You don’t sweat much for a fat lass!

One from my dim and distant past – You have beautiful blond hair…..why do you dye your roots black?

And more

Hi, I'm doing a survey ...What's your name? What's your phone number? Are you free next Saturday? (I think I’m going to be sick!)

I think there is something wrong with my phone. Could you try calling it for me to see if it rings?

The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name. (where’s the bucket)

Excuse me, did you just touch my BUM? (No!). Damn!

Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

I have heard that woman can only put mascara on if their mouth is open. Is this true? (more like the ones I used when young)

My friend caught his girlfriend kissing another girl. Is that cheating? (a tad hopeful!)

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me? (where’s the bucket)

Do you have any raisins? How about a date then?

Are you a parking ticket because you got fine written all over you? (I was told off for calling a girl fine…..fine, fine is that all!)

I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

How much does a polar bear weigh? Well it's enough to break the ice. (mmm)

I want you to have my children. In fact, you can have them right now, they're out in the car.

Hey baby, I'm ready for some FUN, I already have the F and the N, now all I need is U! (That’s got to be from Austin Powers, surely!)

I like maths. You want to go to my room, add the bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply? (Austin Powers again!)

Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Lets go upstairs and talk about it. (Well it’s a slap or sex or both!)

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

I think that’s a good place to finish!!

What......drug induced visions, perhaps! Part II

2011-01-23T08:19:00.000-08:00

The imagination, the creativity, the skillful execution.............the warped mind!

Now that's what I call a white knuckle ride!

Now, simple question....how can you find a head when you don't have one on!

The Chickens have been playing around the nuclear power station again!

Now that's what they mean when they say you've got Panda eyes! I wonder if the members of Kiss copied these guys?

Peace, love and a female Lady bird!

Not a bad set of legs for an old bird!

What goes around comes around!

Mice have changed since I dissected one at school!

More soon!

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What......drug induced visions, perhaps!

2011-01-21T05:47:00.000-08:00

These pictures are possibly the result of one too many at the pub or drug induced visions of a warped mind......or someone with too much time on their hands!

Suspect you need a little more coke in your rum..........beats pink Elephants!

A vegetarian alternative to Lamb?

Geography teacher who has an art bent interferes with Cow!

I lost my dog in the flower bed!

So this is what the astronauts saw in the 60's, hippies must have packed their supplies!?

Now I've heard the expression, Talking to god down the big white telephone...but spooky when it looks back!

Those cars are like wearing an old pair of slippers........no really!

You'll learn....don't feed the fishes!

Maybe more later

Christmas.....why?

2010-12-25T13:35:00.000-08:00

We do the same thing every year and never learn!

Buy too much
Spend too much
Eat too much
Drink too much
Through too much away
Buy presents that aren't wanted
Believe we will learn next year
Hope we haven't under cooked the Turkey
Hope we haven't over cooked the Turkey
Forget too cook something
Make too much gravy
Don't make enough gravy
Burn something
Have words with our nearest and dearest about something that doesn't matter
Start thinking about loosing weight
Start thinking about summer holidays
Thinking maybe next year to get away somewhere warm for Christmas

As the alcohol starts to make you feel as if water is a good option and the visitors have gone home..........and the other half is snoring on the sofa......you realize it will be the same next year!

Women......on men!

2010-12-15T14:57:00.000-08:00

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12!. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Copy and send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

I'm sure their is a male response........somewhere!?

Please find 2010 Government advice on traditional yuletide sentiments

2010-12-05T15:10:00.000-08:00

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

Government Advice: the Union of shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided; therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory

Dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

Government Advice : A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Government Advice : Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

Government Advice: The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star

Government Advice : Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves.

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.

Government Advice: You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Snow time to drive cars

2010-12-02T15:25:00.000-08:00

Got to say this weather scares me, not because I'm not a reasonably competent driver. I recently worked out I've driven around 1,000,000 miles! I've seen a lot of really bad driving in bad conditions and an awful lot of crashes! I've had a few (and I mean just a few shunts) and learned from it!

Crashes in bad weather are caused by not driving to the conditions or being crashed in to by some prat who thinks they are a good driver! SIMPLE......as are those who drive like dicks in bad weather!

We might not admit it but we've all seen the deluded on X Factor who tell the judges just how brilliant they are......and we see the reality, they stink! Funny how often that happens and how outraged or surprised that they are not praised! It's quite evident in situations like that we all see just how bad they really are.

However on the roads that same a mixture of stupidity, ignorance and deluded personalities make them, firstly insist they are brilliant behind the wheel and secondly they don't possess the ability see an of their flaws or blunders!.....and the rest of the driving public cop out!

The rest of the world sees just how bad drivers they are......but they can't see it!...It was the snow, the other cars were going too slow, I had to overtake.....I'm a good driver I was just unlucky (no we were the unlucky ones, because you were on the road!)

So there we have it, those who tells us incompetent people just how brilliant they are.....are the biggest donkeys......stubborn, ignorant and stupid!

Their Mummy told them they were very cleaver little chaps......and they believe it and tell us all how brilliant they are.....unfortunately reality has never cast it's wisdom in their direction!

As the saying goes. "Self praise is no recommendation!"

So I think I'll leave the car buried in the drive a little longer.......

Still it could be worse.......thank god you don't live in Russia!