don't walk away renee

The Other Day & More

2011-12-14T17:19:00.000-08:00

The other day my ride forgot to pick me up. No big deal, another opportunity to get to know others and ride the public transportation in town. While walking down my home's hill I talked to myself, psyching myself up for the excitement that awaited me.

Things like,
You are going to have an incredible day!
You are going to laugh a lot!
You are going to know you are loved!
OThers will know you love them!
You will see people healed today!
You will learn something new!
You will do incredible at using your words!
You are great at relationship!
God blesses your finances!
You will meet someone who will be your friend!
were just some of the things I was declaring over myself as I walked down my home's hill.

Sure enough, those words were the fruit of my day. Or perhaps, like when you buy a red car and see red cars everywhere, I set myself up to see this goodness around me. Either way set up, coincidence, conscious effort to see goodness, it was pretty good.

Words that mark, label, describe this year are vast...
Freedom I never knew how free I am... free to make decisions for me. Free to feel. Free to voice those feelings and choices. Freedom to discover, to mess up.

Mindsets Choice The way I think is a choice... I had been so used to lifestyle of excuses that accept sad ways of thinking. Accepting of depression, hopelessness, rejection, confusion. I never knew that me, I can choose to stay in depression, hopelessness, rejection and confusion. I get the pleasure to learn, and learn and learn and grasp and live that I get to choose. Nice.

Power Children Redemption

Purity
Favor Finances
Process

A little tidbit

2011-12-08T07:50:00.000-08:00

Here's a fun little tidbit...

Yesterday morning and the day before I was feeling crappy. Feeling such is not my norm. David Hogan was visiting my class, what he brings, his relationship with God appears to carry such an annointing that just being in the same room brings healing to your body. I'm feeling good. Ha! More-than-grand.

For the Dancers

2011-11-26T23:25:00.001-08:00

Here's a letter I wrote to a couple of my dancing friends...

Dear *****

You are an amazing, full of wisdom and trusted in the choices you make. I wanted to encourage you that you’re in the perfect spot, being wonderfully setup for life, success and better, prosperity. That what is happening in your today’s will one day, looking back, make sense as to why you are where you are. Take some time in memories and reflect on how you were setup.

Remember Lovers, you’re God’s, not fear’s. Take sometime hanging out with God to talk and listen to Him about your need for community.

I’m doing ‘old’ things in ‘new’ places, it feels redemptive. Mainly, I’ve danced! The other night in worship we were directed to respond to God. I imagined myself in His home. It felt like it was one of the first times I’ve approached Him as a daughter and understood and felt His delight. One of the Pastors watched this and told me to dance on stage releasing this encounter over others. A bit earlier, before going on the stage, I had asked Him if I would ever be able to dance publicly again. I had this thought that my dance had been stained with scandal. So it was affirmation that my dance is sweet.

The following Saturday night I went out to Salsa. I was pretty scared, scared of trusting. Silly as it sounds Jesus was in the room, the place absent of both alcohol and the spirit of hooking-up that I felt in Bangkok, it was so unfamiliar the purity and safety that was present.

Another revelation I had, I learned from salsa. While you dance you’re suppose to have some tension held in your arms, this helps you know, communicate, understand how and where you’re being lead. A lot of times here at Bethel they talk about life being in tension, scripture being in tension (for example Jesus saying one thing and later saying the opposite and both being true and accurate… making no sense to us, me, who likes absolute ways of doing, saying, living). So I put those together, the tension I have in dancing that tells me where I’m being lead is the same I have with God, the tension of the Bible, our need for relationship helps me know where I’m being lead. I don’t know if that makes sense, but both cause me to focus and hone in on the one who is leading.

I am proud of where you both are. Your hearts are being expanded because He has so much in store for you. You are great at making decisions and sharing your needs. Remember you are marked with grace, mercy and justice. Should there be times of mess ups, you are so well equipped to be a fun, safe place and protect hearts. Your hearts are so protected and cherished. I love you friends!

Renee

Ministry Trip

2011-11-22T21:59:00.001-08:00

Highlights of my ministry trip to Vancouver, Washington on November 11-13th, 2011.

- Saturday night Marie, one of Chris Overstreet’s interns, asked me to preach with her. Earlier that day I thought I would talk about the analogy Nina taught me about “Peace Like a River” and when I went to school at Meadow Glade and played tire tag – specifically how I’d freeze and tense up so much that I actually was shaking instead of being still. Instead, with songs that were sung in worship, I changed my mini-talk, and felt like I was suppose to share my testimony about what God’s been doing in the last few years with my relationship with my biological dad and with Him as my dad.

I shared that although I was born in Vancouver, WA, I was born not knowing my dad. I prayed for him and his family if they existed. It wasn’t until I was in Thailand that I first heard from him. At that time I wasn’t ready to meet him, I was scared. It wasn’t until hearing from a friend that she met her dad on his death bed… and my not wanting that that I accepted the invitation to meet mine. It was June 21, 2009 on Father’s Day. I travelled across the US by train and visited with him for a day and a half in D.C. Before I left he asked me if it would be okay for him to do something. Funny, I knew what he was going to do, I said yes. And received a kiss on my forehead. That kiss meant so much to me. Since that time I haven’t been in much contact with him and only recently have taken a step to redo that. After hearing a teacher of mine talk about an imaginary, but healing experience where he shared with his dad the good and bad about his life, I realized I need to do that with mine. I facebooked my dad telling him I want to talk to him again, gave him my number and sent it. It probably sent on Thursday and not having internet at home I didn’t really expect to hear anything till the following Monday. Saturday night though I was surprised receiving a unknown number calling it is my dad. We probably talked 10 minutes. It was so good.

Likewise in my time with God, usually me laid out on the ground, He’s been showing me pictures of Him like a father. Things that, being 27 years old, make me uncomfortable because I’m not longer a baby or child but rather a woman. I felt like God wanted me to know, not with my head but with my heart,t hat my relationship is like such with Him. That although I may have missed out on certain dad-daughter times growing up I still get those with Him. Things like calling me ‘baby’, holding me up in the air like fathers do, giving me a bath….

The next day, while I’m standing out in the church’s foyer a mid-thirties man approaches me and brings up this testimony. Saying that he is a father of a twelve year old daughter whose life he is not a part of. He is curious and wonders what I would have wanted from my father. I was so taken back, that is so honorable and brave. Honestly I wasn’t certain what to say. I told him that the major thing I needed, need, to know is my life is valuable and of purpose. I am not an accident or a mistake. That I am truly a child of love even if my parents may not be together presently. I blessed him and honored him for taking initiate and asking. That was the life-changing thing of this ministry trip.

- Healed neck. A girl who was working in the nursery at bethel is attending a church in the area. She came up for prayer for healing for her neck. I had her try it out once and was minimized a bit. We prayed again and it went away completely. It was fun cause earlier that weekend I had felt pain in my neck and wondered if it was a word of knowledge, yeap.

- A man came up for prayer for his colon. It was tight and wouldn’t relax causing him pain. We prayed and I had him check the pain. He said it didn’t go away. I asked him if he felt anything or remotely better, he said yes. I told him, let’s celebrate that. Then I prayed for him again without touching him. I asked Holy Spirit to come, Holy Spirit came. Ha! And touched him visibly. I asked him to check it out again. He said he still felt pain. I told him I felt like HS was doing something and to check it through the weekend. I had never seen Holy Spirit 'fall' so obvious and evident on someone before. On Sunday he approached the team and was healed completely!

- Saturday evening we called out words of knowledge for healing. I called out heart pain and pain in the right shin. Slightly disappointed no one came up, or stood up. The next day however, during first service on Sunday, a man was talking with another man on my team. Not only had both of the words of knowledge but the father testimony also resonated with his heart. We prayed complete healing and honored his bravery for coming up even if it took some stirring up courage.

- I absolutely loved the team that went to Vancouver, WA. I loved the interns who lead, big props to my leaders. I loved celebrating what God did with and through each team member. I loved the commute and family time we spent on our way there and back.

- The last person I talked to in the mall was a beautiful girl. She was probably 4 or 5 years old. I instantly wanted to connect with her because she had a birthmark on her face. I proceeded, without her parent’s permission, to share with her what I tell boys and girls when they ask me about my birthmark. She left that knowing she was specially, beautifully made by God and is a princess.

- The second-to-last man I talked to was an Asian man shopping. I stopped him abruptly and asked if he was a father. I said that he carried and showed such protection as wherever he went and it was so good and honorable. He was taken back a bit but I suspect he needed to hear that.

- We talked to 3 teenagers hanging out on a bench on the second floor. They received hope, encouragement in consideration of their creativity, future and leadership. I placed a penny in each of their hands encouraging them to dream and knowing that they are worthy to invest in, that it was an honor to do so and excited to see what God will do in them.

- A woman at the Yankee candle store was handing out little promotional papers. I briefly asked if she was a mother and reminded her that she was amazing and did well in her mothering. She appreciated it.

missing

2011-07-27T19:28:00.001-07:00

something I missed today: Grandpa

something i sometimes think of

2011-07-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

100,000 orphan children or orphan-spirited people become daughters and sons full of knowledge of their amazing worth...

delight and perfection

2011-06-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

today is perfect.
yeap. i declare you a perfect, fun, delightful day.

i choose to live in you.

life is at a strange lull
not bad not good or at least not overwhelming either way
it feels transitional without me necessarily moving anywhere
i think that's the strange part of it

today is perfect
it began raining last night
i felt it as i was leaving work yesterday
like my days in bangkok
i felt it
it makes the insides cooler,
noticably so
i said to myself, it's going to rain
i noticed the clouds gathering outside
and a very subtle stickiness
familiar to bangkok's
humidity
it feels like bangkok, washington and redding have wrapped themselves into one today
i love it
my three places of love
how i love you

the other day
as in other week
i laughed at myself
love that

this day's laughter was brought on with a realization
while in asia something 'new' happened
i allowed myself to see asian men as attractive
i made an assumption on returning to the us
that somehow that attractive 'button' would turn off on coming back
i assumed wrong
that button doesn't turn off when one, when i, return to my usa

haha. laughs on and at me.
how delightful.

another laugh with and at myself
i called up a boss and left a message
thanking her for something
instead of thanking her i said 'amen'
hahaha
yes, i laughed at myself and followed my amen and laughter with
thank you
sounds like i've been praying a lot
going to church a lot, ha

another delight
i was at my church's prayer house the other day
enjoying time, me and God
i looked over and saw what looked like a friend from my college town
nah, could be
i reasoned
wrong, it could be
wrong, it was
that was delightful

The dance

2011-05-23T17:50:00.000-07:00

Growing up a cute princess I loved wearing my flowy skirts. At the time I imagines these skirts to be so twirly and large that they took up the entire room as I spinned. That was my beautiful dance, spinning. It wasn't until years later that this cute princess who loved her flowy skirts realized the value and beauty of her dance.

It's not always been valued, her dance. I remember looking through her eyes seeing classmates dancing or even remotely tapping their foot on the stage of Walla Walla College. Horrified. Believing it irreverant and worse, scandalous. Little did I know, with the twists and turns of life, I would become that 'irreverant, scandalous' one.

Change of mind came with changing countries. I used to own this painting, bought at goodwill, of a cambodian man dancing. I loved the precise form he took. I was being set up... given a country to fall in love with. South east asia... I worked at a international school in Thailand. Friday afternoons was Thai dance. Joining the 3-5 year olds, we'd dance in circles. To a traditional thai beat attempt to move hands, thumbs, arms and all.

A seed was planted. Although this school was a christian school, it was in a nonchristian country. A question arose in my mind, "If buddhists, hindus, etc. could dance to worship their gods why couldn't I dance to worship God." Just a thought.

I'm not sure the circumstances around this. There was a weekend home in Kanchanaburi I would retreat too to breath fresh air, away from BKK smog. One day, while my heart was heavy, in midst of wind...

Women of Worth & Adoria

2011-05-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

Women of Worth The second year students here at BSSM put on a intimate imparting night for us the first years. Even just entering the room felt really, really good. Ha! Just entering the room I felt like crying (cause it felt so free and safe). I went to the Father/Mother blessing, prophetic art and prophetic dance/song areas. My favorite was the Mother/Father's blessing. The father's blessing was especially good for my heart. It was super redeeming, I felt safe looking into a father figure's eyes. It's been a long time to have that.

Adoria When I was young my family had a family friend who would say the following about me. When i grew up I would be a model for Cosmo. For most of my life I thought that was a terrible and scandalous thing as I thought models were super bad, unhealthy and not taken care of. This last weekend was a step towards seeing the prophesy come true. I modeled for my friend for Adoria, a fashion show put on with students from BSSM and from Bethel church. I was really fun and full of peace.

I had practiced my cat walk earlier and ended up breaking down in tears realizing I have so much more to learn concerning my confidence in my beauty. A friend of mine, in reference to another friend, made the comment that she wasn't sure what this person would do when they realized how beautiful/handsome they were. It got me thinking that I would like to grasp more fully the beauty others see when they look at me. I have this tendency to see ance scars, ance, the shape of my face and my tummy as not beautous things. Meh!

I would do it again. I would recommend other people taking the opportunity to model at Adoria if given it. It's such an affirming environment that professionalism isn't required but bringing your beauty to display yourself and the clothes.

So it's my birthday this next Sunday and I want gifts... Ha!

2011-04-04T18:13:00.001-07:00

So it's my birthday this next Sunday and I want gifts... Ha!

- White down comforter

- Rings (I want to start wearing these beauties)

- Earrings

- Cute sleeping mask

Pamper Me

- Mani-pedi

- Massage

- Facial

- Haircut/color

- Eyebrows shaped

Feed me

- Chocolate

- Good cheese and olives (Walla Walla?)

Bangkok

- Black short pants from asok

- Package curries

- Sarongs

- Boots Sabai Arom Starfruit and Gooseberry products (anything)

Mountains in Seas

2011-03-28T14:52:00.000-07:00

"The mountain of weight has been cast in the sea."

Someone said this to me last night and I wasn't sure what to make of it. I was in the process of slowly wiping tears away from my face, having just had an amazing encounter with God and thus responding in awe. Yesterday I stayed after service at church and went to the prayer house to soak, meditate. Time flies when you're meditating and meditation sometimes flows into sleep.

I am loving laughter and taught my children my favorite laughing song. As I sing it I imagine I am Santa Claus and have myself a huge Santa Claus belly.

HO HO HO Hosanna
HA Hallelujah
HE HE HE He saved me
I've got the joy of the Lord

There's more to be said but I'll stop there.

Reminders for Me

2011-03-27T00:35:00.000-07:00

I am slightly discouraged, trying to not let myself in on how much I might be. I had an interview today, and though some of it was pretty considerate, was told my time was going to be valued and due to my availability I wasn't able to be hired. I guess I am sad about that.

But I need to remember many, many, many great things happen in my life, in me and in my family. Here's one that I will remember that happened at the beginning of the week.

One of my most recent declarations* was about my finances for BSSM. I owed $194 for this month (and also for next month). I had a payment due the second Tuesday of the month, but unable to meet that deadline. So I asked to have that postponed, I was given a grace period of two more weeks. Two more weeks came around and I was still unable to pay that myself.

I had began to declare that my tuition, my $194... taking it to a next step I decided I not only wanted this month's tuition paid but next months... not only that I wanted the rest of my bill paid and even have more left over.

So I was declaring this not knowing if it would come to fruition... the date came and I asked people to partner with me in prayer for my finances. I again asked if I could have my payment postponed and asked how much I owed.

She told me I owed $78 for this month... someone paid my bill I didn't know who. What is more, another family friend facebooked me telling she was putting $300 towards my tuition.

So my tuition is not only paid for this month, but next month and extra leftover! I just loved that. I had heard another friend's testimony about how she had some financial breakthrough following her declaring over her finances that they were paid in full, so taking faith and her breakthrough as mine began to declare over my finances too.

So if you're in need of any financial breakthrough, take this as seed to speak to your breakthrough.

There are more stories, but this is one!
Renee

* Declarations are like saying out loud what God says is the truth (when oftentimes it isn't evident or appears so before your eyes)

Another simple one that I thought was super sweet. Was I was walking around the mall area in Redding, following up on jobs after school. School in itself can be exhausting, job follow up is an energetic query, so walking home wasn't a novel idea either. There was a new program happening at Bethel and my intern had invited me, I wanted to go. So I said out loud, God, can I please have a ride? A couple of second, I'm pretty sure it was seconds, one of my friends drives up in his van, window rolled down and asks if I need a ride. Why yes I do! Thank you, God for this sweet gift.

Another financial gift/miracle that I saw today... so on Saturdays I volunteer in a neighborhood connecting with the family and kids. There's a group of us women who do, but only one car. My friend with the car's been struggling with finances too, and having a car include gas money. The leader of our volunteer group said he had some money she could have for gas money. She asked only for $7.00, I thought she was worthy of $20-25.00 and she ended up being blessed with $40.00. I love it. A sweet, simple but huge treat... evidence that she is in fact worthy of good love and favor.

Another fun thing that happened a couple of weeks ago... I was following up on jobs (this is becoming a natural part of life right now) and was able to talk with one of the managers in a store. We exchanged nice-i-ties and I left happy with that encounter. About an hour later he calls me up and asks if I'd like to interview right away. I replied, "Why yes I do!" The interview was a lot of fun and I loved the random last minute-ness of it. Though I suspect it wasn't totally random but a sweet treat of how I am worthy of fun encounters with strangers, love and favor.

Another thing, I was demonstrated amazing grace in my work place. I appreciate that. Additionally, I had contended for amazing grace, and mercy to be mixed with justice for another person in my life. It was given, amazing grace and amazing mercy. Sweet.

Things I like about today:

2011-03-24T16:58:00.001-07:00

Grace. Amazing grace has given to me.

Andrew White, vicar of Baghdad. Small snippets... I love authority he carries and is evident in speech and how he holds himself. His bow tie. That he is a brown one in his family (I can relate). I love how that set up in favor where he's placed. I didn't realize sometimes I ashamed of being the brown in the family (if you haven't met blue-eyed, fair-skinned family do they great). He embodies politics and religion well and honorably. Thus, challenges to dream bigger.

Miracles and Favor

2011-03-24T16:03:00.001-07:00

Financial Miracle/ So lately I have decided, when hearing about God's goodness in people's lives, that I'll put those little gems, sparks of fire and let them be precious promises, treasures and firestarters in my life.

One such gem, or spark of fire came from a girl in my revival group, like my little church in my big school-church, shared how medical expenses have been paid off in full. She said she had been declaring, that is speaking out loud unreality and impossibilities as her reality and possibility.

I took this little gem and applied, am applying it to me. So I have been abundantly and richly supplied in my living here, money coming from places that I don't expect... but every month rolls around and it feels like a cycle of witnessing God's faithfulness, abundance to me. I had begun to speak out that my tutition, my $194 that I didn't have, would be paid off in full and beyond.

I am happy to say, it is. Amazing grace, this is true stuff, has been given to me. I am beginning to realize it is okay for me to recieve from others. I love independence and self-sufficency... some of it's really, really good. Some of it completely isolating. God has just done that, perhaps through some of you, thank you.

My $194, plus next months tuitioin has been paid. I loved it because I've been thinking, if God desires to bless me exceedingly and abundantly more than I can imagine... I think it fun to try to think bigger. Could he do this? No way, oh, He can. So I actually had started declaring that my $194 was paid but the next months and beyond. I have received my beyond, or the beginning of it.

2011-03-15T01:53:00.001-07:00

It's a farce. Tonight I watched The Village. I had avoided watching it for sometime but don't regret having done so tonight, watching it. Many, many, things, I have been realizing are just that, a farce. I no longer have to chose fear of these things cause they aren't as they seem.

I realize I opened a door, hmm, to fear last year... during the times of 'governmental upheaval' or 'the situation' last year in BKK with it's riots. Sometimes this fear is stirred up again, memories of it, when I see on movies scenes of rioting, when I hear helicopters overhead and occasionally when I hear fireworks. I think this too is probably a farce, this fear. I think to that perhaps it might be good time to shut that door and walk into truth, safety.

The other night in worship one song had an amazing beat. Uh, I love rhythm. The following pictures came to mind:

Picture 1 The background has to be given to understand this picture. In 2004, December, was my first time to Thailand. We went to Mae Sot to build a church. Part of building was creating a firm foundation for cement to be pour on. To do so we used logs. These peices of log were cut, like fire wood sort of. We picked them up and pounded them on the ground, over and over again. As the music played, I saw these being picked up and pounded down again and again. Foundations were being prepared, the ground firmed.

Picture 2 A horse is running. All I see is the back of it's hooves. The horseshoe glimmering ever so slightly in midst of dirt and grime on the shoe.

Picture 3 A person running on a dirt trail. I see their shoes picking up the dirt, leaving dirt upturned in their path. At first I thought they were running from someone or something. Then I realized they were doing the opposite, running to someone or something. They were in pursuit.

Each of these pictures I envisioned dirt being pounded and springing up from the pounding it had taken. I wondered if God was saying saying something about preparing a foundation, ushering in royalty and in hot pursuit of one he loves.

sweet. sour. hot. cool. crisp. soft.

2011-03-03T23:58:00.000-08:00

sweet. sour. hot. cool. crisp. soft.
i am in love with texture and tastes.
i am in love with senses.

i sit in my room, once again, surprise, listening to whatever pandora radio plays for me from my sigor ros radio station. goose bumps come from nowhere, surfacing on my skin. i am cold. i close my eyes for a moment and imagine that with each wave of goosebumps, each wave of my body responding to coolness, i imagine what it would look like if i emanated color. like a clubs lights but to lighter, cheerier, peaceful, but peace-pulling music.

eh. i am slightly embarrassed. let me share a secret. shh. sometimes i facebook stalk. just did. just shouldn't have. ha. eh. i might have a new crush. sweet. ha. let me enjoy that for that passing moment. sweet.

life's pages continue to tell me a new story that i wasn't expecting. the other day in worship there was lyrics about beginning and end, pages, life... i can't remember context. i remember vision though. the picture that came to mind was a book. like you see for fairy tales to begin a new tale. i saw a page and life came out of it. colors. objects. colors. people. living. i like it.

picture. more music. a princess. a prisoner. black and white strips. she's transformed into the first mentioned from the last mentioned. a king approaches her. crowns. her. royalty.

picture. a song about joy. words. again they escape me. i see a treasure box filled with bright colorful bouncy balls. some bouncing out. bright, bright colors. i felt it was a treasure of joy. my treasure of joy. my treasure of joy to give. to be.

Thing I look forward to

2011-02-17T00:35:00.001-08:00

- Looking back on pictures of today and saying, "Oh my, what was I thinking?!" Even better, when my children ask me that question and look at me funny.

some more

2011-02-15T23:13:00.001-08:00

In my revival group we are always putting into practice prophesy*

In my work we begin each service putting into practice prophesy

It made me think of the first time I was really, really challenged to prophesy

*Prophecy is simply asking God what His perspective, His love, hopes, dreams and desires are for someone and out of agreement with His love sharing it with that someone.

Anyhow, two years ago I attended something called Pattaya Praise...

It was a favourite of mine and I'd like to go again

A half a week full of praising God in Pattaya

My friend asked me to put to practice prophesy

I sat in a booth with her and people came to our booth wanting words of what God was saying

I'd never done this so openly with others

I loved it and was really good at it

Little did I know I would be given opportunity to fully immerse myself

Hopefully life-time immersion of asking God His perspective, love, hopes, dreams and desires for others

I just like it, it's fun to see from heaven's perspective.

much to say

2011-02-10T00:07:00.000-08:00

i have much to say
and little realization
of the power
of the value
of my word

when i speak
when i share my story
when i tell of my day
i share a testimony
i let you witness
a part of me
i like you witnessing
a part of me

i learned

2011-02-07T22:16:00.000-08:00

thing(s) i learned this week:
$300 is a little.
this is a transform-my-mind idea...
if that is a little i can't wait to understand a lot or normal amount.

if my problems are financial
i have it good
(implied, there are worse things that could be happening)
i have it good

i love meetings that evolve around encouragement, testimony of good and laughter
i love seeing this city being transformed

just dance

2011-02-06T23:09:00.000-08:00

tonight i watched my reflection in my glass door as i tried to remember how to salsa. i'm in a dance group for my kingdom creativity tract (art class at school). the chorographer of one of the groups asked me to teach a little technique of dances i knew. so the beginner's going to try to teach beginners. gasp.

this last week has been a new one. i suppose every week is but there was something new in my dancing. while being here at bethel it's been difficult, especially at first, to dance in worship. i used to love, love, love doing this. space. watching eyes. fear. who knows i have probably let all of the above hinder me. anyhow just wanted to share more...

more...
on tuesdays we have worship at school. singing. there's this one song that talks about a river, dancing in it, shouting and a couple other things. i usually try to do a little bachata for some of it, abhorring when people jump and down and call it dancing. ha. ha. if you know me, and if you don't you will soon, i have this tendency (actually i suspect i'm not the only one) but those things i say i'll never do, or abhor the most, are the very things i come to love the most. so i began to do the jump up and down dance... and absolutely loved it. i found out the key is in not using both feet but switching. i don't know.. ha.

also on tuesday in my track my group learned about how to dance a word and then to prophetically dance. we danced for each other. it was really amazing to ask god for a picture, word, movie of what he wants them to know and then dance it. the picture i got was a little seedling growing. i felt it meant the girl was growing, it was a beautiful thing. i then danced that picture. it was also amazing to have other people dance for me, it felt so honorable and full of love.

wednesday was our group's first practice. we did fun-dance activities like doing different speeds of dance, proximity to things in the room and each other, then with fabric and a little of flamenco hand techniques. i loved it.

thursday bethel had something called arts in motion. again my dance group did a little workshop. one thing that i really enjoyed from this is they had us get into a circle. then each person had a chance to dance however they do naturally. as they danced we spoke out what we saw as they danced - that is how did they reflect what god was saying and doing with their dance. it was amazing, cause it was a part of who we are. i don't know how to describe that ... eh.

i love love loved it

2011-01-29T22:09:00.000-08:00

there are people i want to meet but afraid to cause i know they can read me well
one person is jason vallatton. he reminds me of what i hope for for my parents.
someone who walks through their pain, pursues love. mom and dad.
i want you to walk through your pain and pursue love. you are lovely.

today was amazing. i love love loved it.
for my activation, that is my volunteering, today we did house visits.
ha ha. invited ourselves in, talked, played games, shared sweet sticky rice.
froze in the cold cold park. beaded necklaces and bracelets with beautiful children. played candy land.
prepped for thai food. chop chopped.
then party partied with asian people and asian lovers.
laugh. laughed. sang sang songs.

it is raining. it feels like northwest, washington rain. home rain. cold rain.
this is one of my homes. one of my cities.
i belong here. i like that.

Jesus, Jesus, how you love Baby Johann

2011-01-27T22:09:00.000-08:00

Answers to prayer. So you know already, that I'm madly in love with Thailand and so not present there. This separation makes me love you more I suspect. Anyhow with that there's some people who've come to mind, one in particular is my friend Baby Johann. Truth be told he is no longer a baby - maybe 6 or 7 years old now. This beautiful boy was born half-paralyzed, deaf, and blind, his mom was a prostitute who had gonorrhea . His joy has always amazed me and his perseverance for life is even more incredible. I was reading my friend's blog, who Baby Johann is mothered, I've been praying for him, brooding over him, wanting to see life be restored as is God's original intent for him, so... reading this blog I see some answers to this prayer, and I cry, Baby Johann is eating on his own now and walking a bit. Jesus, Jesus, how you love Baby Johann.

Good God

2011-01-17T23:31:00.001-08:00

i'm in a good mood but completely tired all day...
almost a complete weekend of laziness
somewhat forced but nearly lazy
i find it's very very difficult for me to not do anything
ah.

so i'm in something called sidewalk sunday school
somewhat a misnomer cause we are doing it on saturdays
but we have some called the 4 MITS
4 MITS
that is the four most important things
easy
1. god is good and god is in a good mood
2. jesus' blood paid for everything
3. i'm important
4. nothing is impossible

we stress the importance of these
and learn the truth of them ourselves as teachers
and i think that's really good

so i was thinking about the first one
how that's evident to me
or i guess how i'd envision, try to relate to visiually seeing god in a good mood
what came to mind made me smile

growing up my sister and i started to do this thing
when in crowded places
with crowded moving busy people
we'd look across a room
and wink
im not sure what she was up to
but i felt it communicated
love. i-got-your-back. your-doing-great. i'm-here-for-you sister-goodness.
i took that sister love and ran with it
ran across oceans (or at least flew)
worked with a thousand some children
wink wink
hey love....
you're loved. i got your back. you're doing great. i'm here for you...

i imagine
i know as i keep on keeping on in this god-renee relationship, friendship i'm loving
that him and i
we got something similar going on
there's ways, like my sister, that he 'winks' at me
love you. got your back. your doing great. i'm here for you and more.
i don't know that just tells me
he's safe
he's in a good mood
he is good for me.

i imagined him too
can i say?
like santa
i just love a good hearty laugh
and always, well imagine, santa's hearty laugh
i imagine that's god
that hearty laughing one

when he sees me
he can't help but laugh
it isn't threatening
or harming. shaming. or condescending
no. when he sees me
he thinks of our inside jokes
you know. the ones only him and i get on this side of eternity
and he laughs
fully God laughter... filling all of heaven and earth
and there we are
full of santa laughter
god and i

my little thoughts
on god's goodness
and his very good mood

i didn't always know he was good
i didn't always know he liked me
i like that he's good
i like that he's in a good mood
i like that he likes me

not-well-spoken or sometimes not-spoken-at-all prayers

2011-01-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

These seem to be the kind of prayers God is answering for me. Does that mean I should cease praying? Not necessarily, but perhaps what I understand as prayer is ill-defined. Yes, Sanjeev, I still like defining things. I suspect it's the biologist in me kicking and screaming. It's a party!

Anyhow, this unspoken or ill-spoken prayer was about my mission trip for March to Alabama. I keep thinking to myself that I won't be going, not certain how to ask for money. I don't know why this would be a problem as I've gone on three others and have always been supported by my communities. I needed $500 by January 5. Yeah, it's January 3, and all that's been paid.

Surprisingly, maybe it shouldn't be. The largest financial support has come from family. I haven't expected this. They aren't obligated and what is more they hardly know me. At the same time, I guess this hsouldn't be such a suprise as I've kind of felt that God's been targeting my sharing my experiences and going to Alabama with family (which I am saying I am working on... you know what that means. Oh courage!).

What really gets me is, okay, I'll come out and say it. My dad paid that $500. For those of you who don't know me well, I don't know my dad too well. We've met once and most of our relationships actually be over the internet. Another thing with dad is being here at Bethel's made me really, really miss him. Most of my life, perhaps it's always been this way, but.... I've always figured that it was my normal life to not knowing what it is like to have a father present in my life. I figured that was fine and okay. Right now, maybe I gave me permission, maybe it's really how we, me, are formed, but I really want him as a part of my life. Like there are things I define as dad, fatherly things I need, or needed in my life. It's strange cause I'm not mad at him for not being here, or having been in my life... rather I want that now. I can accept that it wasn't right that my family was absent of a dad. That there was hurt that resulted from. There was somethings my sister, mom and I didn't learn or know because of that. Things we figured we had to do without or do instead because of the lack. But now, whatever it looks like to be a father of a 20-some year old, I'd like that.

My 'prayer' was to have money to go to Alabama.
My 'prayer' is to see/know/experience restoration in my family.

Someone, many someones in fact, have been telling me things about God signing off dreams, visions, desires, hopes that I bring to Him. Like if I was in the throne room of heaven, brought a proposal to Him, talked with Him, He'd sign those off. A couple weeks ago a serious element dawned on me, a revelation, a problem, I realized that I didn't trust me. With that distrust of myself, I knew I wouldn't want to bring anything before God. I've been told that He trusts and loves me. I believe that too be true.

Hmm.