dontwasteyourcancer

my prayer

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Wed, 23 May 2012 17:30:00 +0000

i am studying ephesians with a group of ladies and last night paul's prayer for spiritual strength put me in my place. do i live like this? do i live in this truth? is anything about his prayer for me and for you even the least bit evident in my heart and what i am about as a follower of jesus? questions i am asking out loud to myself and to those around me who i know desire deep fellowship with Christ. i know He wants more me. i know He has more for me. He did not just walk through scary ugly cancer...but He has joy for me in the mundanes of life. laundry. ironing. grocery shopping. giving baths. making meals. packing for vacation. walks to the park. errands. many of us said last night...we want extraordinary. not just good or great or awesome. but so much more and i know it is available to us. i desire to live in the joy and freedom Christ offers us.

prayer for spiritual strength

ephesians 3:14-21(esv)

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever, and ever. Amen.

read it, then read it again, then read it again, then let is sink into your head and your heart and your soul.

i love that the love of Christ surpasses all knowledge. that is a lot of love.

burned 'um up

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Mon, 21 May 2012 18:28:00 +0000

thankful for the response from many of you in regards to this post. happy to know i am not alone.

this weekend was spent at the rockbridge. it is the young life camp where justin and i met 7 years ago. it always feels safe and comfortable to us. i love that. ava ran around and did not stop moving for basically two days straight. it was tiring but good. thankfully there were a lot of friends there who were willing to keep up with her and play. thankful for friends who love ava the way that they do.

it was refreshing to catch up with people we rarely see and get away for the weekend. with fellowship, worship, and time to slow down. even though it was busy with ava...my soul felt rested. spending time outside, soaking in the beauty of the mountains, and being reminded of all i have to be thankful for...we have phenomenal friends and God is good.

on saturday night justin took ava back to our room and put her to bed so i could stay in club to hear pat goodman speak. during worship we sang this song and it does something to my heart and i can not get through it without tears. lots of them. pat went on to share a lot that i felt was directed right at me. i even thought...did pat tell justin what he was going to be sharing tonight so that's why justin made sure i could stay to hear it? either way it was huge for me. all about the voices we listen to and the lies we believe and how in those places...when we believe those lies...we become stuck. stuck in the bondage that keeps us from living in the way we were designed to live. whole and complete in Christ. because of the cross...it is done. all of it. everything...His death covers it all. the end. if only i could really live in that freedom. at the end he asked us to write down whatever lies. whatever bondage we are living in. whatever is keeping us from experiencing Christ in a more intimate and real way...write it down and burn it. yup, a big bonfire. burn those lies up.

so in tears i wrote down four. four things i think about all the time. i have come to believe are true and have left me stuck, sad, anxious, and scared.

so on may 19 i burned it up. i know it is not magic or anything. but i feel lighter. i feel more free. i feel a little less stuck. i want to believe what is true. i want the Lord to enter into the depths of my heart and into my secrets. into the places that are ugly, embarrassing, and in turn prevent me from living in the freedom that the cross offers to us all. here's to freedom.

only took two pictures this weekend. but her eyes in this picture are priceless...she just wanted to get to that pool as soon as possible.

***

what lies do you believe? what do you need to burn up?

direction or lack thereof

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Fri, 18 May 2012 02:26:00 +0000

i have been sitting here for what feels like forever...and i got nothing. i had hopes of writing while ava is asleep and before i need to get to bed...but nothing seems to be coming. not sure what that is about. i guess this is writers block. i told justin this weekend that i feel like i have no goals and i am not sure what i am passionate about. to which he said...babe, you are passionate and let's get you some goals. i know what i like. i know how i like to spend my time. i enjoy lots of things. for example i like decorating, cooking, crafts, tv, books, shopping, being outside, going for walks, hanging with friends, being with my family, etc. i enjoy all those things. but i guess i wish i knew what ignited a fire inside me. what brought be joy and purpose. i know my life is found in Christ...but i desire to have more specific direction. is okay that i do not feel passionate everyday about being mom? but i would not trade it for the world. ever. seriously. is it normal to feel different about things everyday? it okay that i know i want to write a book...in theory but the idea scares me and i am paralyzed in that fear so i stop moving in a direction of writing? is anyone else in this boat? not totally clear on what they are about and where they are headed? i wish..for now that i had a little more vision for my life. i do believe that if you put your mind to something you can do it. whatever it is. i do believe that...just not totally sure what i want or where i am going (aside from the definite: being a wife, ava's mom, and a friend to many) so instead of coming to some conclusion or conclusions tonight...i will keep it open ended.

anyone else feel the same way? i sure hope so.

regardless of my lack of goals for tonight...at least ava is real cute.

thanks queen. these pictures are precious.

our day

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Wed, 16 May 2012 00:25:00 +0000

this weekend we celebrated two biggies...five years of marriage and mother's day. we sorta blended the two into one really great day. i woke up to flowers with gift cards from my favorite ice cream place in town all stuffed into between the bouquet. opened my card and not surprised when i opened it and " still the one" was playing. justin is a fan of the musical card and paying $8 for that feature. laying on the table was a gift card with what appeared to be a clue to a riddle..."roses are red."

for justin i had been wanting to hang something on this wall since we moved in. but i knew i wanted it to be some sorta of saying or something good to kinda jump start our day since we look at everyday as we go down the stairs. so when angie's shop officially opened i knew i wanted something she created for this special space in our bedroom.

i decided on this: i'm so happy we ended up here. seems appropriate. no matter where we have been or where we will go and all the adventures in between i want to keep us grateful for exactly where we are right now...wherever that may be & all the times it will change...i am so happy we ended up here...together...for life.

we got ourselves together and headed downtown to the farmer's market. we ended up with homemade lemon pound cake that ava wanted to share with strangers. i was taste testing some cheese and inside the box of cheddar cheese was clue number two..."ava's hair."

then we headed to our favorite little breakfast place in town and it delivered...it was incredible. the straps on the highchair were broken which offered ava a bit of freedom while eating, but mostly allowed her to give kisses. we saw our friend kristie at breakfast who then randomly handed me clue number three..."gets a twirl."

if you are married to someone on young life staff and they happen to be funny they mostly will be asked to "program" at yl camp. program is over the top and ridiculous and essential to week of summer camp. justin is good at it. the best i think. on our walk home we headed into a fabric store to get silver sequin fabric for a cape and bright yellow for lightning bolts. seems normal enough to me.

ava was rewarded with a yard stick from ragtime fabrics and used it as a walking stick for the trip home.

then lots and lots of swinging in her new swing with clue number 4..."when it comes."

ended our family day with some ice cream. biggest "baby cone" i have ever seen.

second to last clue came from our friend clint and it said..."to wives."

we headed to dinner to celebrate and reminisced over the past five years and then a little box came across the table and as i opened it the final clue..."you're a true pearl." my first real pearls. totally surprised. it was a special day. thankful for my husband and for being a momma. such a gift.

***

also do not miss our story in the fabulous online magazine docica. seriously i love it. great stories. photography, design. inspiration. all on your computer, ipad, or phone. i am obsessed. our story is featured on blog lovin' on page 134 if you care to take a look.

a letter.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Mon, 14 May 2012 11:18:00 +0000

ava is still not hundred percent so i will be back tomorrow with a post on our anniversary and mother's day. so for today be sure to check out E, Myself, and I and her incredible week long series...

i was asked to kick off the series today with my own personal letter to new moms...or any mom or any woman really. i am honored to be included. do not miss it. read HERE.

five.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Sat, 12 May 2012 18:16:00 +0000

it is kinda of a milestone. five years seems like a lot...but in the best way. i still feel like we just met...but it has been seven years. i recall thinking how crazy it was in the beginning of our relationship and how much we had missed out each others lives. although our connection felt so natural and easy. it still seemed as if none of it was real...how could this possibly work? well it's working. here we are celebrating life...our family...the adventures we never anticipated when we said "i do" in a garden in virginia five years ago today. with 33 people around us...whose love and support has been undeniable...we made a covenant. to God, to our family, friends, and to one another. for life. no matter what we are in this...let's keep fighting for what we know is inside of us. passion. intentionality. writing letters. sharing our hearts. achieving our dreams and being committed to getting to know one another a little bit deeper everyday. let's do this for the next forever. a few wedding pictures can be seen HERE.

let's celebrate. we are off for a family day and special date tonight. we will be posting pictures on the iphone app instagram. it's @libbyryder.

happy mother's day to you all. i am sharing a little letter to all the mommas out there on monday and linking up with my friend elizabeth. be sure to check out her series next week. for many it is a day of celebration and joy...but not for everyone. i do not want to dismiss your heart and your desire to be a mother or have a better relationship with your mother or the grief of the loss of the mother. but either way...let us celebrate where we are today. it is all a gift and we do not waste it. any of it.

the joy of a swing.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Thu, 10 May 2012 18:55:00 +0000

today happened to be one of those days: wide open and no set plans. i like these kind of days. sometimes they make me sad and i feel like i have no friends but other times i embrace laying in bed and watching cartoons with my family. drinking a couple more cups of coffee than the typical morning. but laying around all day is probably not going to win me any "mommy of the year awards" so we headed to story time at the downtown library. of course there was not story time today at 10am. so we read a few books and then headed to the children's museum. a entire kindergarten class was there for a class trip and no joke they were such sweet kids. a few little girls helped ava get one a slide that she could not reach on her own. the girl looked over at me and said, "nothing i wont do for a little baby." i melted because little baby she was talking about was my girl.

we headed to the post office to get a few stamps for mother's day cards and on our way got a little sidetracked by kline's ice cream. the featured flavor was: peanut butter chocolate. um, i am so done. that is my all time favorite flavor ever. so we got ice cream at 11am. that's cool i think. it was nearly noon. justin has been helping a friend paint a house that he is flipping and the rainy weather has made it hard to paint...he was finally able to do it today. so we decided to surprise daddy with lunch but when we called to make sure he was there...we got a little stressed out husband on the phone b/c the paint sprayer was broke and he was a little annoyed. so we we turned around and headed home (we are bringing him his lunch when ava is up from her nap).

ava got a little mad about life and being confined to her stroller. begging me..."walk momma...please, walk momma" after trying to explain to her that road was busy and that she would end up wanting me to hold her as soon as she had her much desired freedom. i let her out. for about 3 minutes she walked right next to me and discovered her pockets in her shirt and walked with her fists inside her pockets and telling me over and over..."mommy pockets. see pockets." after those 3 long minutes she put her arms up and said, "hold you mommy. please hold you." to which i scooped her up and reminder her that the correct way to ask is..."hold me please mommy." she repeated that and we continued to talk. i often think that it is far more entertaining and sweet to not correct her grammar.

right before we came upon this tree swing my arm was officially aching. we walk past this swing almost everyday and for the first time she asked, "swing. oh, please swing please." thankfully the swing is the front yard of a house that young life leaders live in so were not trespassing or anything like that.

see that picture below...well that is joy. in case today is hard and sad and dark and your anxious about your life and wish things were a bit brighter...remember where joy comes from. for us today it came from a swing. i try not to be cliche about anything. really i don't. but today i needed this. i needed to stop (even though i wanted to get home to put her down for a nap) and let her swing. experience the wind blowing her thin little hair. she always laughs when the wind blows her hair.

a little nervous and thrilled. she kept begging..."higher mommy. higher mommy." but since this swing was clearly not designed for little kids i was a little leery of her letting go and falling a bit too far to the ground. but she held on and she laughed. she laughed really hard. when your child laughs it does something inside you. something seemed to tighten a little. i love this little person more than i knew my heart could hold and i need to hold onto this morning and this walk and this swing and this moment forever. she was happy. nothing unique or profound about it. just pure happiness. all from a swing. a swing we have walked past everyday since we moved here.

try not to miss the small things.

our family has much to celebrate this weekend. five years of marriage and mother's day. more to come on the blog this weekend.

time to go as i can hear ava yelling from her crib..."open the door please...please open the door."

a quick road trip.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Tue, 08 May 2012 01:15:00 +0000

loved reading about what people are hopeful for...seems like little babies are a theme. something this house is hopeful for as well. all in His time.

***

justin and i have been trying to slow down a bit and not fill our weekends up just because they are open. we tried and failed yet again. but with good reason. on saturday a few friends from chesapeake, including eric who took a little extra time to finish school officially graduated from college. we knew we had to be there. we wanted to be there. so a couple hours before we would need to leave we decided it was a go...we packed up for less than 24 hours and made the trip. first we stopped by a few graduation parties here in harrisonburg. yay for my brick house girls. i met with these 8 girls most every sunday night to talk about life and jesus and where we were at and where we wanted to go. it was so life giving time for me. we got into the car and drove through some serious rain storms, but it passed quickly and ava was excellent. it was a surprise to everyone at the party that we were coming so our plan was just to open the door and send ava in alone to watch the reactions...but alas ava was not into our plan. it was a fun night of celebration, catching up, and being with some of the people i love most in my life. although we had a few times on the drive where we questioned our decision to go (i sent a text to katie, who was the only one that knew we were coming..went like this. me: we are nuts. just leaving now (4:30pm) to which she said: i love it!!! it's the best and only way to life. seriously.) i love that perspective. you just do it. even when it does not make a lot of practical sense you go, you do, you call, you text, you send flowers, you do something and it was more than worth it. it really is incredible how many people we saw in less than 24 hours...but staying up until 4am helped. it felt like home. it felt good. it was freeing to talk about our new home and genuinely mean it when i said..."it's good." as i went on to elaborate on what good meant it was encouraging to hear myself say things like..hopeful. turning point. being myself. while still sharing how much my heart aches for the relationships in chesapeake and the people we miss so dearly. we are lucky. lucky to have so many people around us that love us and little ava...when they really do not have to care about us at all. but the bond is deep. some of the friends we saw on this short trip were alongside us as newlyweds. new parents and cancer survivors (and a hundred other things). i am thankful. it is good to be thankful. don't loose sight of it. it changes you. i need reminding everyday.

after a late night with friends at the river house. yes, we went to the river house. i cried a little. i tried to hide it. it was gut wrenching at first. i was speechless. i am sure i seemed rude. sorry janis. i did not mean to. it just brought it all back and by all i mean everything. in a single second i saw it all. ava crawling for the first time. dancing on the porch. parties on the porch. the water. the dock. the people who cared for us in that place. the pain and the triumph. not kidding this and what felt like a hundred more memories and emotions over took me. but then i was okay. i held it together. we ate taco bell at 2am. we talked upstairs. we laughed. it did help that it looks different without our stuff. our pictures. our ava. when we drove back to where we were staying justin said...the river house: my most favorite place i have ever lived that i never want to live in again. i think that was it. we love that place. what it represents for our family and what is represents for me. so much pain and darkness along with such joy and laughter and life. i found life in that house. real deep life. new purpose. new vision. new strength. new hope. but it was only for a season. i know that and i am becoming okay with that. but it has a little bit me and my heart. so i will keep it there and still move on. i think both are okay.

i am thankful for friendships that are honest and real and point to jesus. katie you taught me that. thank you for pointing me to jesus. all the time. i miss you. i care about how your heart is and how you are doing. i will never forget to ask. not for the rest of my life.

since it was a little whirlwind of driving. friends. a little bit of sleep and more friends this is the only picture i took. but it pretty summed up the drive home. thankful for unplanned visits with friends.

***

Thirsty Hearts Design winner is every moment of existence is grace

comment #5. she is hopeful for:

i am anxious, but i am mostly hopeful. hopeful that the Lord will fill spots on our bus to sharptop in just over a month. most of my girls are not able to go to camp anymore, so we have many open ones. hopeful that finances will flow in and the all the glory would be given to Him. our area is struggling financially and our kids are struggling financially even more. hopeful that kids that are not yet signed up for camp yet will be there and that they will meet Jesus!

congrats! email me at libbyryderblog@gmail.com take a look at the shop and order a little print for your home. nice mother's day gift if you ask me.

friendships.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Sat, 05 May 2012 02:44:00 +0000

let's start with pure joy. thank you narnia girls for loving her so well today.

lately i have felt different. like i am experiencing my own life in a new way. i feel more myself than i have in a while. i bit more comfortable in my own skin. i certainly have missed it. the last year and half was an out of body experience for me. i mean i was alive. i was moving. i was present. i am well aware of what happened and where we were and where we are and the changes we have walked through. but i finally seem to be catching my breath. able to feel secure and confident and peaceful. not all the time. i still struggle with being myself and feeling totally comfortable and not worrying about what people think of me or don't think of me. but i am seeing the light. i am hopeful. i have hope for this new town. these new people. this new beginning. i love relationships. i am thankful for the friendships that span across the country. but this new place in life has left me stuck in many ways. finding myself more considered about people's opinion than being true to who i am. i am not that confident or that strong or that sure of what i am. let's just get that out there. it's freeing to be honest. i have struggled with even knowing who i am this year. so that all seemed to collide when we moved somewhere new and i carried this heavy weight of...i feel like i am supposed to be all of these things and i am not sure what that is so in turn i am failing because i am not sure of who i am or what i am about. please do not miss this. i know that in Christ i am full and complete. i hold these truths close. i find my foundation in that. but since i am a little bit of a mess and do not have it all together i felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. not every second or every day or every week...but it was always lingering. this horrible pressure. that no one put on me...but me. which seems to be the case most of the time.

but the hope. the glimpse i have been living out this past week or so has given me such life. such vision. such peace and such joy. today after a few leaders left our living after a great couple hours of talking and connecting and lots of..."yes...totally...i agree...i feel the same way..." i felt alive. i felt like screaming...YES...this is what it is about. talking. connecting. ava running around without pants on b/c she is working the whole potty thing and she screaming and jumping and then sometimes a little too quiet (to which i found her reading in her room...precious). this is life. this is freedom. this is being a mom while walking alongside so many people i care so deeply for. i felt like myself and it was natural. i have missed natural and easy. justin and i had dinner with some new friends last night and for nearly four hours we sat around the table and talked and shared stories and a new friendship was born. all the while our two little girls playing and laughing and literally destroying the house. but they were living. doing what kids need to do and should do.

these are just two examples of where i have seen a shift. a shift from being a little wounded and overwhelmed with life. again, not all the time...but whether it was on the surface or pushed way down deep it was there. this uncomfortableness that i could not escape.

i am seeing new relationships form and beginning to go deep and be real and fun. people are fun and i love being with people, but i also like to be alone. i have embraced that about myself. i sometimes just need a second. i am not totally confident. i have not arrived but i am moving. i am seeing such hope and joy from really doing life alongside my new friends and my heart feels full and peaceful. i am thankful people have accepted us and pursued us and shown us grace in this new season of life. i love that i am still walking through life post cancer and discovering where it is taking me and for now...i am hopeful and looking forward to the future. i just had this random thought...it is so funny what ends up on the blog when so much goes unwritten and not shared. along with this new hope has come living on a budget (i hate it), thinking i was pregnant (which i am not), getting good time with justin and our family, working, exhaustion, and thinking about my new grey and white chevron curtains more than any human should think about fabric.

such a time as this...jmu graduation tomorrow, almost summer, the pace of life seems to slow a bit & i am ready for it.

the view from the top of our street.
yup, those are mountains in between all the trees.

***

i love angie. i am so proud of how far she has come and that she is making her God given talents and passions a reality...sister has a little business that one day will be a big business. we all start somewhere. angie designed our blog a few months ago and i love it. it feels like me and she just finished up on my friend elizabeth's new blog design. she is using her graphic design skills and creativity to make custom wedding invites, save the dates, birth announcements, etc (all found on her design blog HERE). but today she officially opened her ETSY shop full of creative and real prints for your home, office, dorm, etc. what is perfect about her prints is that you can print them off at home. when you purchase a print a PDF file is sent to your email within 24 hours. no shipping and handling. no waiting. boom...ready to go. i have this one ready to be hung in little ava's nursery. we sing it to her every night. this one will be gracing our walls very soon as well..gotta love katie davis.

***in celebration of her etsy shop opening...how about a GIVEAWAY just for us? because everyone loves something for free and it is fun to win something. one lucky commenter will get THIS print (also see below). it is one angie's favorite and my mine too. giveaway will end sunday 5/7 at 6pm. tell me...what you are hopeful about? comment away and winner will be announced monday night. ***

happy weekend. let's really enjoy it.

one delightful button

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Thu, 03 May 2012 02:35:00 +0000

our friend katie the owner and designer of one delightful button is back this month and we are thrilled to have her...just in time for mother's day. seriously her earrings are the perfect addition to a spring and summer wardrobe. they are affordable and we love affordable.

this month she has two awesome things doing on.

1. 10% of your order will go to Young Life to help send students to summer camp. i love it.

2. use the code libbyryder for 10% of your order.

happy shopping. my current earrings from katie are my most favorite one's to date. all linked.

* green stripped seersucker * sweet floral in turquoise * large summer roses in white * small roses in grey.

i hate the new blogger.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Tue, 01 May 2012 01:37:00 +0000

i have no idea why blogger would change what seemed to work just fine. all i know is that i am having a hard time even finding my own blog and an even harder time figuring out how to post what i write. but here we are. finally.

so randomly when we got home from visiting the wright family i decided to begin potty training ava. not sure why. it is not like me at all to just start something. i usually like to have a game plan and a few good reasons as to why i do what i do. but not this time. we went to target for some groceries because i had a coupon and decided to let her pick out a new little potty. i am cheap (about really random things) so i told her to pick out one of the potty seats that set on the toilet. she chose dora the explorer. after much debate between that and elmo. she told me tonight when we were reading an elmo book before bed..."oh, mom i just love elmo." but after a little back and forth she decided on dora. so we began lots of potty talk...such as picking out skittles for her..."i just went potty like a big girl" treat. she was mad that she could not have them immediately while in the aisles of target. off to a good start with the ol' potty reward system. finally she stopped screaming for..."ittles mommy. ittles mommy" throughout most of target and we headed home. although i write my grocery list on my phone i forgot a few things so we stopped at walmart quick. i decided from target to walmart that we needed two potty seats...one for each floor. this time she picked tinkerbell and seemed confident in her decision. so we headed home to begin the potty endeavor. it went surprising well. she sat on her tinkerbell seat and peed like five times. but i realized in this 30 minute span that it was annoying to not be able to actually see her pee since she pees like as much as mouse i feel like. so after unloading groceries we went back. we went back to target and walmart because i am crazy. returned dora to target and bought an actual legit potty chair from walmart. a frog potty chair actually. home we went. without really looking into how to potty train a little girl..i stripped off her pants and sister ran around nakes and no accidents. all luck. i am well aware. today same game and one little accident. i ran upstairs to put away some laundry and i heard from the babysit..."sorry mommy. sorry mommy." cleaned it up and i appreciated that she felt a little bad about peeing through her big girl panties. today we were mostly home to really set her up well for the whole potty training but we did need to go see the doctor for an ear infection follow up and just as i thought...still infected. got some new medicine and headed home for some good time with daddy.

i realize that nothing i am sharing tonight is that profound...but it is real. right now our focus is on learning to pee in a potty. not that exciting. but it is real and it is where we at. fell in love with her a little deeper tonight too. not sure what happened...but there was this moment...she was laying on me (rarely happens) we were talking about how proud i was of her and then is said, "you know what?" and without missing a beat she said..."that i your favorite girl." done and done. we get each other. i am thankful for today because of where i have come from this weekend (a little lost in where i am and what i am about. that post is for another day. maybe wednesday).

looking forward to my show on bravo. i should be embarrassed because bravo is trashy. i know that. but i like it. hope it is not a poor reflection of who i am.

happy monday. no pictures on this post (hope you understand why).

i am inspired recently when it comes to our house and some new decor. if you want some new curtains to get yourself inspired enter this giveway. i just did.

randomness.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 23:40:00 +0000

a little bit of a glimpse into our lives over the past couple weeks...because we are busy hanging with this little man. baby keller. oh, how we love you.

***

playin' in the rain.

wearing daddy's hat and yelling..."cool dude."

hung out with our with our new friends this week and found out they have a giant dog. ava is in love.

i love a good deal & i love diet coke. yes i am well aware that soda is bad for me.

put these tissue poms up in ava's nursery a month or so ago and i love them. i am in the midst of a few decor projects that i will post later. but for now check out POM+LOVE here.

it is always a treat to make friends via the blog world. sweet meredith is one of those people. she is a young life wife and mom just like me. we emailed a bit when i was sick and then finally got to meet at a young life conference back in january. well she is real thoughtful and sister sent me a bathing suit for ava (i has been checking out but they never had a 2t. so she picked one up and mailed to us). along with a precious book about rockbridge county, virginia. where we met back in 2005.

first pet this week. a caterpillar she named "candy." she was alive for about 20 minutes until ava accidentally squeezed it a little too tight. i explained that candy died and ava took it well.

young life end of the year picnic and dance party in a barn. pretty gorgeous huh?!?

laura is special. although she is the new momma...she could tell i needed a second after ava had a little break down at chick fila. so when ava went down for a nap i went to hobby lobby all. by. myself. dream. got some fabric for pillows and curtains along with a few other treasures.

a milestone for ava...her first dentist appointment. the morning started a little rough and i almost cancelled the appointment but she literally turned into a polite, sweet, little listener as soon as she walked into the room. not sure what happened but girl did incredible. i was seriously so proud. she was not scared and did not even flinch as they cleaned her little teeth.

our story...

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 02:11:00 +0000

tonight i am going to bed early and very ready to have my husband home. so i thought i would share the piece i wrote specifically for mamalode magazine. it is published in the current issue entitled: flow. it is the first thing i have ever had published. a personal goal. i am proud.

you can get your own copy of the issue HERE or your own subscription to mamalode HERE.

although i have written our story throughout the blog many times, this was the first time i sat down and wrote it all out at once.

our story...from the beginning. (kind of strange to see my writing with correct grammar huh?!)

***

Nothing prepares you for this. We read books in college to gain knowledge about our major. We read to prepare ourselves for marriage. I read more books than necessary to prepare for motherhood. Months were spent planning, decorating and getting every last detail in place.

We welcomed our first child, Ava Suzanna, in January 2010. I was 27 and married to Justin, the absolute love of my life. I was more excited than nervous. It felt natural. I was prepared.

But not for this. Not this road. Other people walk down this road. Not me.

After seven months of intense fatigue that no amount of napping could cease, a nagging pain in my hip and rib and waking up with sweat-soaked clothing, I finally went to the doctor. Just for a check up. I planned to ask him about a prescription for Vicodin, as if it was normal to need a drug every day to ease my pain.

After a physical exam, he sat in his chair and asked me, “How long have you had that lump in your neck?”

I grabbed my neck. “What lump?” He showed it to me. “I would like you to see an endocrinologist. I think the problem might be your thyroid.” He seemed calm, so I was calm.

Two days later I was alone in a waiting room because I wasn’t worried. My husband stayed home because he had no reason to worry either. But when the endocrinologist decided to schedule an ultrasound, I went home to get him.

As we drove back to the doctor’s office he asked, “Are you worried?”

“No, why?”

The technician did an ultrasound of my neck and told me pleasantly and kindly, “It is not your thyroid.” At the time, this seemed like good news.

Soon after we returned home, the phone rang and doctors asked if we could go back to the hospital for a chest X-ray. We got back in the car and Justin asked me again, “Are you worried, Libby?

“He is just being thorough, babe. I am sure everything is fine.”

They took an X-ray and we left. I fed Ava her first solid foods that day. My sweet 7-month-old baby. The phone rang. My calm doctor said, “Libby, no rush but could you and your husband come to my office at 5 p.m. today?” It was 4:30. I dropped the phone and tears came fast and hard. This time all three of us went. I knew it couldn’t possibly be good news, so I wanted us to be together.

As we drove, we called a few family members and told them a bit about what had transpired from 11 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. on that seemingly ordinary Monday in July. I sat down and waited as Justin paced the waiting room. The room was empty. Just us. My husband was scared. I could feel it. Ava was content in her car seat as I casually flipped through a magazine like I always did.

We were called back to his office. This is when it all became a blur. We sat at a long table. The doctor, me and Justin. Ava was in her car seat on the ground. He opened up his laptop to show us results from the X-ray and ultrasound. I had no idea what we were looking at, what was normal versus abnormal. But I knew it didn’t look quite right.

The pictures made my chest look like it had a covering, a blanket of round blurry dark shadows.

“Based on my expertise, along with those who read your X-ray and ultrasound, you have lymphoma.”

I remember looking to Justin to give me something. Our eyes locked.

I needed some clarification. “What is lymphoma?”

“Cancer.”

It wasn’t about a grandmother or a friend’s cousin. It was me. My body. My chest. My neck. I was the one with cancer. I had been walking around. Living my life. Nursing my baby. Being a mom and a wife and a friend—and cancer was inside me. Rapidly growing without my knowledge or permission. It was surreal. Numbing, but not dramatic. Not for us. There were tears, but just the slow kind that trickled down my face, not the wet streaming kind. Simple, genuine shock with a million questions and thoughts, but nothing was said. All I knew was someone just told me I had cancer and I had no idea what that meant.

But I was Justin’s wife. Ava’s mom. What did this mean for him? Her? Our future? I didn’t know where to begin. I quickly took Ava out of her seat so I could feel her little body. Hold her innocence.

Would someone else raise her? Would she ever know me? That was not something I could say out loud. Not yet. It was too shocking. Too real. Too scary. Too many unknowns.

So I rallied. I found strength I didn’t know existed on this earth, let alone inside me, because I was numb. It was as if there was an overload between my heart and my head and I simply had nothing to say. This could not possibly be my life...could it?

As we walked out to our car, it was hot and the sun was still bright. Justin carried Ava. Oddly, I felt at peace. I am sure it was a combination of fear and utter disbelief, but it covered me. Every inch of me.

I looked at my husband from the other side of the car and one of us (I can’t remember which) said, “We got this. If we glorify the Lord with my cancer...He is going to do something big with it.”

The peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Jesus Christ.(Philippians 4:7)

Life was a whirlwind of phone calls. For days, we talked to family, friends, nurses and doctors. Told our story over and over—a story I wasn’t even sure belonged to us. After appointments, scans and biopsies, we found out it was stage IV Hodgkin’s lymphoma. The cancer was in my neck, chest, tenth rib and hip socket. We began chemotherapy at the end of August, and endured a total of 12 treatments every other Thursday for six months.

The instant I was told I had cancer everything changed. The love I thought I had was no more. Instead, it became deeper and richer than I ever knew it could.

I was scared. But mostly I was in “go mode.” I did what I had to do and I surprised myself. Within days of my diagnosis I understood what it meant to trust the Lord with my life. To give Him my life. He was in control of my story. In the midst of fear and anger and tears, I trusted the Lord and His plan for me, Justin and sweet little Ava.

I selfishly told myself that Justin would be OK without me. What a ridiculous thought. My passionate, funny, husband whom I fell in love with the second I saw him. Those eyes of his wrecked me. He walked right alongside me and entered into my pain, fear, sorrow and glimpses of joy. We were never alone.

And what about Ava? Who could raise her like me? Instead of being her Mom, I would be part of a story someone told her. Pictures she looked at. Not even a memory, just a story. People would tell her things like, “You have your Mommy’s lips or her laugh.” The mere thought of it broke me.

Nothing prepared me for this. No books. No education. Nothing. My life was not my own and I found peace in that. There was nothing I could do to take the cancer away. I rested in the Lord and we did whatever we needed to get well.

I am thankful for my cancer. I am thankful for to the opportunity it gave me to grow, evolve and change. I am not the same. We are not the same. We faced the possibility of death and came out on the other side a bit weary and broken, but ultimately stronger and more in love as a family and as followers of Jesus Christ.

my baby. my little girl. i would fight a hundred times over to be here and be your mom. not a day goes by where i do not think about how differently our story might have ended and the gift it is to be here. truly no words for this thankful heart.

relay for a cure.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 01:40:00 +0000

katie. we know our friendship. we know how deep it goes and how real it is. so with that i will simply thank you for making this happen. raising over $2,000, selling shirts, organizing, and inviting people not only onto a team but moving towards a place where cancer will hopefully one day not exist.
i love you.

***

i was nervous for this relay. i even cried about it twice. not sure how i felt about going to my first official cancer event. i guess a little sad that a teamlibby even exists. but with that i am grateful for people and the community we have around us...but still a deep wound that screams inside me..."i do not want to be on this team." but i think i have come to place where my moments of sadness can exist right alongside my joy, thankfulness, and need to celebrate. i am also on a team of survivors. people who fought like i did...many who lived and many who did not. either way we all fought. that is what this relay represented for me. our story is one of survival and of life...a deeper and fuller life.

i have had the hardest time writing this because i am still not sure how i feel. i am thankful that this weekend was not full of tears. it was much easier than i had anticipated but it has still left me at a place i am unable to explain. i am just not sure why it is still so hard. i can not seem to find the words. i realize it goes without saying that my heart dove right back into cancer and our fight and where we are now...i just feel like i have not arrived anywhere really. maybe that is normal. if i ever arrived i would stop growing and changing and evolving into the woman i am still becoming. the aim is not arrival. but the in between. which can be fuzzy and unclear and i am not the best in this place. i would say i am less of a black and white thinker...as i tend to be more comfortable in the grey. so i guess i will embrace the grey and live in it and keep learning. i am thankful for how Jesus keeps using cancer to stretch me and challenge me and work on me from the inside out.

relay for life was humbling. it was humbling to see people come together (most i met for the first time on friday night) rally around our family and support out of their own place with cancer. thank you.
it was a night to remember our story. how the Lord is using it and how it continues to change our family forever. in that there was pain and brokenness as it took me back to august 2010. but from that place it took my heart to a place of joy and immense thankfulness. thank for rallying alongside us and the american cancer society and fighting for a cure.

the entire track was lined with luminaries and different names. i know that this night was one of intense sorrow and pain for those who have lost someone close to them from cancer. my heartaches for you in that and reminds me to continue to fight towards living in a place of thankfulness. thankfulness for everyday and thankful for how our story ended. that the luminary with my name on it...was about remembering where we have been, where we are going, and how if we choose...if we are able...we don't have to waste our cancer. i am certainly glad we didn't waste ours.

sweet becca. thank you for giving me a glimpse of what life is really all about it. we share the same joy...but i crave to live in it the way you do everyday. i love you.

in the end there is hope. hope for a cure. hope for a world without cancer. without pain. without lose. where relay for life wont need to exist anymore. but until then we will fight, raise money, and continue the research necessary to find a cure.

***thank you girls for hosting the ryder family and anne stewart for giving up your bedroom so ava had a dark place to sleep. we loved our time with your whole house.***

relay for life.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 02:51:00 +0000

great weekend in blacksburg, va. loved being a part of Relay for Life. more to come on that tomorrow. i am tired. like beyond tired. is everyone always tired? that is kind of how i feel all the time and no i am not pregnant.

where i am meant to be.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 03:31:00 +0000

first off...thank you for the many kind words i received from many of you after reading the blog on monday. it encourages me and allows me to see that i am not alone in this with so many of you. whether we know each other or not it does not seem to matter. we are all trying to make it. just pushing through another day and attempting to not waste it...even when it hurts.

last week when ava and i drove home from ky...justin's mom met up with us followed us back home to viriginia for a little visit. over the past week i have enjoyed the luxury of more time to myself than i have had in a while. having the freedom to grab lunch with a friend or sit in starbucks simply because i can. no need to find a sitter...roma is in the house = laundry is done, closets organized, shirts are ironed, and ava has had about 500 books read to her.

honestly it has felt nice. nice to sleep in a few mornings. read. work. hang with friends. browse through stores simply because i can. no little two year old crying or asking to leave. i even got my nails done after my doctor appointment today. why? because i could and i found the best $10 manicure in town. then met my friend ashley for lunch and when were done i realized i had two hours before work and we could go get a mini dairy queen blizzard and stroll through tj maxx for things we may or may not needed for our homes.

i have nothing to complain about as we have such phenomenal friend's and young life leaders who are more than willing to watch ava when i work or have errands or appointments...but family is different. i miss it.

but as we prepare for roma to drive back to ky and resume our normal routine and schedule...i realized when i got home from a meeting at work (where i learned the importance of music. try playing more music in your home and in the car. it is good for all of us) and had only seen ava for about 5 minutes all day...i missed her. like really bad. but i will say a tension remains. torn between loving being home with her all day and the joy of working, feeling productive (i know i am productive with her too). the foreign world of meetings and starbucks and conversations without any interruptions. aspects that are nice and i have enjoyed the freedom that roma being here has offered. but i like that i can have both. the joy of being able to say home with ava and do life with my girl and enjoy the change of pace this week has offered. i believe both exist quite well together. thankful for it all and random afternoon visits to a petting farm. yes, ava loves animals & for now i know i am exactly where i am supposed to be.

check the hair...it is seriously growing. also it is decided that bunnies are her new favorite. tears came when we had to say goodbye.

i rarely share the music i am listening too mostly because i am usually at least like 9 months behind cool music and am slightly embarrassed about it. but after tonight i am motivated to make music a more intricate part of our family. my heart has always moved from music and evokes something in me i had no idea was there and i want to tap into that more. so here is...no judging allowed. this is a safe place.

shake it up. someone like you.

we are young.

marriage. i know a little. but not very much.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:16:00 +0000

lately i feel like i am waking up. waking up from a haze and finally seeing the light and attempting to choose to live in that light every single day. when people have asked how i am doing and how my marriage is going i seem to be answering with this a lot...we are at a turning point and i think it's a really good one.

i said often when i was sick that i was given the unique and special gift of seeing life through a new set of eyes. like a special lens. one that would experience a pain, fear, and illness like i had never known before. this would change everything...but in the midst of that continuing to see joy, purpose, and life...life to the full i have found tension between who i want to be and who i actually am. many of you have similar stories. some are vastly different. but we all have a story. one that is currently being written and sometimes we find ourselves in a chapter where we wish we could press delete, delete, delete or fast forward, fast forward, fast forward. anything to skip the crappy stuff. but the crap...that is what makes who we are. we wake up from the haze. the lingering cloud and here we are. not quite the same but still so much the same. it is there in the midst of the earth shattering shift: whether in fear or whether in joy...welcoming a new child into the world, falling in love, a great pair of jeans, or a phenomenal skinny vanilla latte that you used to love and then took a break and now wonder why you ever stopped. it is the small things. it needs to be the small things because the big things can often times be straight up too much. it is in those places. the ones that change everything that we surprise ourselves. we are given the chance to not waste it. to not feel sorry for ourselves or to fall apart. but to live...really live. there will be moments of falling apart. of tears. of pain. of brokenness. we need those. they go hand in hand in. let's not loose sight of what is real. life is hard and life is sweet. the two must exist together. but will we choose that? will we beg the Lord to meet us where we are at? whether broken or shameful or guilty or prideful or embarrassed. will we let Him enter into our lives and trust Him with our story. the one i believe He is writing for each and every one of us.

justin returned from greece on saturday night and i felt whole again. we do fine when he is away. but i want great. i want phenomenal. i want joy. when we are together i experience joy. being together makes sense. we get each other and man there is nothing like walking through life with people that really get you. i think i have like five or so. never counted. just made that number up. but i am thankful. most of all i am thankful for my first love.

shifting gears a bit. but same overall theme i think. i sometimes think i have lost it. the ability to tell a story. to share my heart. this blog started because our story took a turn and sometimes i feel stuck in where to go or what to say. i ask myself things like: have i missed it? have i moved away from authenticity, real, and raw? if i have i want to go back. i need to go back. i want to share my heart and be open to disagreeing point of views and remain true to who i am and what i am about. i want to be real. how do i share the bad right alongside the good? i try and be honest. i set out to be honest. but as i thought more about it...i came to this: it is okay. it has to be okay for things to shift and change. it is okay to not always have a clear direction. but i will keep moving.

we are all strong. even those of you that would beg to differ. i would challenge you. i struggle with anxiety and guilt among an array of other things. justin and i are not always on the same page. we are way too busy. we often feel disconnected and he feels pressure and i feel not pursued. i fail to believe seemingly simple truths about who i am. who Jesus says i am: beloved, free, joyful, and enough. i am all of those things. i know this. but i fail to believe them and live them out everyday. i so desperately desire to find my worth in who Jesus says i am...not anything or anyone else. but i tend to take my eyes of Christ. i must make a decision everyday and every hour that my life is not my own. i trust the Lord with all of it. not some of it. even when i am anxious. overwhelmed. tired. mad. confused and very ill prepared for the story He is writing in me and through me. but that is the glorious thing about it all. i do not have to be prepared or have my guard up. i desire to experience and live in the peace that the Lord is for me and not against me. i think if we knew what was going to happen in our life before it actually happened we would miss truly living out our story. in the midst of adversity we surprise ourselves. we are much stronger than we think we are. we rise to the occasion when we need to and when we crumble, when we break, when tomorrow seems like way too much...He is in it.

i am blessed and thankful for the many gifts in my life. i do not have it all together. i am painfully aware. but the desire of my heart. of every ounce of my soul is to seek JOY. to choose life. real deep life. where we do not waste it. any of it. it does not mean we have to find joy in every single thing. there is simply things that are just not really joyful. but i desire to live in His arms. to be carried and to stop carrying a heavy weight of lies that plague me and take over my heart and my mind that speaks lies about who i am and what i am about.

i am sick of the guilt i carry around most days. i see it stripping away my joy. my adventurous spirit. the desire to be free and be exactly who He created me to be. today i choose freedom. in Jesus there is freedom. i desire to laugh more, be spontaneous, and become who He is designing me to be and i will give both of them more kisses.

***

giveaway winner:
eclectic joy winner is comment number 7: jordan black: "Looks fun and i love Cory's shop!!"
email me your info at libbyryderblog@gmail.com. congrats.

enjoy your monday. justin's mom is here and roma is making my job a bit easier. thank you. i am loving the break.

kentucky, easter, and lots of animals.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 03:26:00 +0000

sometimes things happen where it seems far greater to really see it oppose to just read about it. this past trip to kentucky was one of those times. i am so very thankful to have married into a family that loves me as if i have always been there and that i am apart of them. it is nice to be loved and cared for and if only for a few days...get a glimpse of what life would be like if we lived near family. i like it.

easter morning with the cousins.

not the least bit scared. she loved the bunny. she spent most of easter brunch hoping the bunny would return to the table. no such luck.

jack's birthday breakfast and trip to the zoo.

waited all day for the penguin exhibit. it was the very last thing we saw and we came upon this...

this was closest she got to seeing penguins at the zoo...lame wooden cut outs.

she asked if she could climb over the fence and live with the geese...but we decided that would be a no.

these kids love each other. it sure is something special.

it was a good good trip. thank you, thank you, thank you...for how you love me and how you love ava even more. but these two girls are real ready for daddy to come home and you better believe there will be balloons and cause for celebration.

***

mamalode magazine subscription winner is...commenter #2. congrats jen.

***
new sponsie for you. our good friend cory just started an adorable etsy shop with onesies for boys and girls and some super cute infinity scarves. so how about a giveaway? maybe a precious onesie for your baby or a lightweight perfect for the spring scarf for you? leave a comment and be entered into the giveaway. winner will be announced monday on the blog. in addition, receive 15% off your entire order when you use code: LIBBY. enjoy shopping.

Add caption

we're back with something important.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 14:38:00 +0000

relay for life. i must be honest. before getting sick i did not really rally behind the american cancer society or any causes surrounding cancer. but as you might imagine...when something like cancer hits home the way it did for us your heart changes a bit and this year we are participating in the virignia tech relay for life. this will be our first one and i am a little nervous that they will want me to wear a special t-shirt or a sash that says survivor. i know i survived and i am proud and thankful but i also do not like to draw a lot of attention to it. which is silly. it is not that i take it for granted or "it's not big deal that i had cancer and now i do not have cancer." it is a big deal. for sure. but no sash needed.

because we have some of the greatest friends ever...our sweet friend katie who believes in what the relay for life is all about and is behind the fight to cure cancer. this year she rallied and created a team. read her thoughts below and some information about the relay for life event at virginia tech or if you want to come or support from where you might be reading this blog.

***

the summer of 2010 one of my closest friends Libby was diagnosed with lymphoma. that fall when i headed back to school i told myself i was going to create a relay team in her honor. but sadly it did not happen. life got in the way and i was not on top of things and instead i joined a team i had been a part of in the past. i still participated with relay but i knew that i wanted to do more. so this year i decided that life would not get in the way because that is a terrible excuse. and i created Team Libby. for those of you not familiar with relay here is a little info:relay for life is an event hosted by the american cancer society every year. the american cancer society is the largest, nonprofit source of cancer research funding, and our mission is to eliminate cancer as a major health problem by preventing cancer, saving lives, and diminishing suffering through research, education, advocacy, and service. Virginia Tech has the largest collegiate relay in the world. it is a huge event here. a little crazy. a lot of fun and such a sweet thing to get to be a part of.

this is my third year being involved with relay at tech and my first year being a team captain. our event is April 20, 2012 on virginia techs campus.i want to invite all of you to be a part of Team Libby!!!

Our Reason to Relay

Why 'Team Libby?' and why do we 'relay?'....

We relay to make a difference-to fight together-and to find a cure. As college and high school students we are teaming together to fight cancer. As members of Team Libby, we have all been touched in some way by our friend, Libby Ryder, and her fight against Lymphoma. We also invite you to read John Piper's article here, titled Don't Waste Your Cancer: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/taste-see-articles/dont-waste-your-cancer.

John Piper writes on the eve of prostate surgery:

'I believe in God's power to heal by miracle and by medicine. I believe it is right and good to pray for both kinds of healing. Cancer is not wasted when it is healed by God. He gets the glory and that is why cancer exists. So not to pray for healing may waste your cancer. But healing is not God?s plan for everyone. And there are many other ways to waste your cancer. I am praying for myself and for you that we will not waste this pain.'

Team Libby wants you to partner with us! Partner in the fight, in prayer, in the journey of not wasting anything that the Lord puts in our lives.

We are making a difference by teaming up to participate in the American Cancer Society's Relay For Life.

there are a few ways that you can be a part of Team Libby

1. you can donate to relay for life using this link:

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/kmm

after clicking the link-click donate on my behalf and go from there

2. or you can order a team libby tshirt

this is the front left side of the shirt.

this is the back.

shirts will be $15 (proceeds will go to relay for life)

email orders to: katiemmeehan@gmail.com

with the subject line: Team Libby T-Shirt and please include your name, size, and address

3. you can join team libby and come to blacksburg for the weekend!!
http://main.acsevents.org/goto/kmm
click join my team!

lets fight cancer together.

***

(be back friday night with the mamalode winner and a recap of our trip to kentucky)

little Keller man.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 03:19:00 +0000

i don't usually do this but i sent laura this post before i published it (new mom and wanted to make sure she was down with the pictures i was going to post. she just had major surgery and is lacking sleep...wanted to be sensitive to that). she approved.

our life has been on hold a bit as our best friend's welcomed a little man into all of our lives. please meet...keller benjamin wright. our godson. not my grandson. a little type-o i made on instagram and twitter. he is so precious and handsome.

laura called me while they were on the way to the hospital to tell me her water broke and i did not believe her. it was april fools and i for real thought she was joking. our whole conversation is recorded on video. hilarious. justin and i both planned on jumping in the car to surprise them but since ava had been sick we decided i would stay and justin would go

gotta love the suit and tie. when ava was born cliff showed up wearing his attire from our wedding. that still makes me smile. so unnecessary. kinda funny, but i love it. i mean the birth of a child is one of the few...this is like a huge deal. no practicals right now...we gotta be there. we gotta hold him. we gotta love our friends.

justin and i needed to get on the same page before his trip so we spent all day monday together when he got home. we talked through the tough stuff about our marriage. where we have dropped the ball. how we have gotten comfortable. stopped pursuing. being "too" busy and lost sight of the intentionality that is necessary for a crazy, deep, and intimate marriage. i mean crazy in the best way that can possibly exist. the too is in quotations because come on..."too" busy for your spouse? never and i mean ever. new rule for the ryder family. but marriage stuff is for another post.

this is about new life. babies. friends and what matters. life matters. the miraculous creation that is encompassed into a little life. a new little person with hopes and dreams and fears...but for now he is mostly focused on the basics. eat, poop, and sleep. but little baby keller will one day be a husband, father, and friend. his life matters. who he will become matters. what he is about matters. and without a doubt in my mind this little guy will be prayed for and loved so deeply the rest of his life because little man lucked out. he does not even have the faintest idea what he was born into. who is mom and dad are....like crazy lucky. cliff and laura are legit and real and honest and funny. we get each other. you know how you might have a hand full of people that really get you. like get you, get you...well these are two of those for us. they encourage us. teach us. are real with us and we have a created a space in our friendship where we can be brutally honest. about marriage. ministry. our faults. our fears. our joys. our heartache. it has been sweet and genuine and real.

i have not stopped thinking about two things: laura, you are stronger than you think you are and cliff, you love your wife so well. one last thing...you love ava as if she were your own and i have to cry as i think about the love and concern you have for our little girl...when you do not have to love her half the amount that you do. i hope to show you both and little keller the same kind of love you shower on little aves.

welcome to the club. the..."i do not know what i am doing half/most of the time but i know how to love. i now know a deep and selfless love like no other." something changes inside you when you become a parent. never again do you think and feel anything the way you did before. it is raw and real and life is no joke. you are responsible for another human. it is humbling. enjoy it and stay close to Jesus.

ava hung out with some girls (thank you, katie) yesterday so i could focus on baby keller and be with my friends so today she finally got to meet her new man. first thing she said when she got up (after barely sleeping. horrible night. sound asleep so i moved her right from her car seat to the pack n play and did not change her diaper. fail. she woke up at midnight scared. rocked her. still failed to change her diaper...lazy and exhausted. 2am i can hear her moving around and mumbling...no, no, no. i pick her up and she is soaked. like clothes. sheet. everything. not only is her diaper flooded she is freezing. mommy failure. clean her up and put on the dress she is wearing because i did not plan on staying overnight so i had nothing packed. warmed her up and put her in bed with me. first time ever. not because i am opposed to it necessarily...she just wont do it. so after 3 hours. yup i said 3 hours of on and off movement until we both fell asleep. moral of this story: change your child's diaper.) back to what matters...she asked all morning about baby keller and asked over and over if he would be wearing sparkle shoes like her...first thing she checked when she saw him...no sparkles. disappointed..but not by baby keller. she did not stop talking about him the entire drive home. is it love? we hope so.

mostly she liked playing in the cupboard.

going.

gone.

waiting patiently to hold baby keller...but when the time came she got nervous so i stepped in.

proud to walk through life with this new mama. can't wait to do this together...even at a distance. we are in this with you. for life.

***

to celebrate motherhood...mamalode magazine is giving away a subscription to one random commenter. winner will be announced friday. the piece i wrote is in the latest issue!

stages.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 00:19:00 +0000

today we are talking about hair and remembering the one year anniversary of my pixie cut. for me personally...i enjoy having my hair long. it's what i do and it's what works for me. this is how i have pretty much looked for most of life (aside from a horrible haircut in 8th grade and when i decided to cut my hair when we moved to chesapeake). i wanted a new look. ha...stick with what you know and love and for me that is long hair. it is easy and i love easy. i am not one of those people that spends more than 10 minutes on their hair and that probably shows. i just like low maintenance.

let's check out the hair stages over the last 14 months.

stage #1. these are the last pictures taken of my long hair. my comfort zone. i felt like myself with long hair and confident with it. this picture takes me right back. to that day. to the river house. to sara snapping pictures and pretending it was fun. it was fun...but right below the surface i was dying. so scared for what was to come and wondering: will ava and i look at these together or will these be a memory of a mommy she barely knew? i am thankful to write...it was not the later.

stage #2. my hair did not fall out immediately after chemo one or two. it was gradual. a little more each day. so i decided it was time to cut it (not shave it). as the hair kept falling out and little ava not knowing any better than to grab a hold of it and take some hair with her...it seemed that shorter hair would help with the whole i have cancer and my hair is falling out and this is sad and hard and i am insecure and nervous about how i will look as i loose my hair and i am not bold enough to shave it all of`f like some stronger women than me are able to do. so i cut it and i hated it.

stage #3. for the rest of the fall it kept coming out gradually. in the beginning of december before heading out to a christmas party my sweet husband who could see my growing bald spots better than me said..."babe, it's time to wear a hat." thus the above photo became my look for about 4 months. hindsight is 20/20...but man i hate that hat. i often wonder why i did not just shave it all off? probably fear and insecurity.

i mean check below. that was not too pretty.

later that day i got this. my first and hopefully my last: i felt like i looked like a boy even though everyone kept telling me they loved it haircut. where i wore big earrings everyday to distract people from my short hair. disclaimer: people who have short hair i love you. you look beautiful. my friend laura has a short pixie cut and i love it and admire her. seriously. but here is thing. for me...losing my hair was significant. feeling insecure about my thinning hair and rather bloated face (thank you chemotherapy drugs that saved my life so i can not hate you but you did make me balloon up a bit) just added to the the various emotions and stream of thoughts and fears as we endured cancer. but....i like a good but...

it is just hair. i mean really when you are fighting for your life...it is just hair. losing it because of a drug that is hopefully saving your life...come on it seems worth it. it really is only hair. it really is all about perspective. not a new and profound thought or anything but it has the ability to revolutionize your life. how we choose to see something. how we react. how we respond. how we walk through it.

it begins with perspective & cancer has given me a new perspective on just about everything.

hair is one of them. i realize it is normal to say to someone who is newly diagnosed and is preparing to lose their hair...not sure how one prepares for that...but anyways it is normal to say to them..."hey, it's just hair." although insightful and very true. it doesn't really matter. as women our beauty and our confidence and what we spend a ton of money on to color, maintain, blow dry, cut, straighten, curl, and buy fancy products to make it stay just the way we want it. just hair huh?

before you think i sound way too superficial...know this: i would lose my hair a million times over to be here today. please remember that. no matter what i say or dive into filter it all through that please. it really is just hair. but bare with me as i grow it out and the various stages may not be cutest or maybe your preference is real short or what it looked like six months. feel free to keep those thoughts to yourself as i look in the mirror most days and think two things: i hate my hair today but i am grateful to be alive.

but for a moment i want to dive into the emotional component that goes into watching your hair fall out. your little baby pulling in out without even meaning to. to when you shave it. put on a scarf. wear a wig or rock the bald head with all the confidence in the world. such confidence i did not have. i chose to wear a hat. to hide. to cover it up. in many ways save myself from what i thought shaving my head would do to my soul and to my heart. i chose to wear a hat. about six weeks after chemo ended and i was cancer free my hair had filled in enough to cut it all real short. so i did. i was nervous for people to see it. i was terrified of the response. thankfully no one said anything mean and for the most part it was okay. it is now a year later and my hair has grown a ton. thank you, Lord. long enough even for a little tiny ponytail.

my heart has grown heavy as i read more and more stories of other women and new cancer diagnoses and losing hair and the total upheaval that cancer, like an crisis will do to your life. i quickly return to those first weeks. the phone calls. the doctors. the questions. the fears. the surgeries. the idea of losing my hair. the idea of grasping onto my life so tight. maybe too tight because i thought i might lose it. i have loosened the grip these days. trying to keep my eyes on what matters and what life is really about. but in the midst of choosing joy and keeping my eyes on Christ i realized something...life, the crisis, the total upheaval of everything...well that is what it is about. it is keeping a focus on Jesus and what you are about when things get crazy and scary and hard. we hate the unknown. i get it. it is natural. but the unknown. the surprises. the getting the wind knocked out of our sails...that is life my friends. that is the: this is so crazy and confusing and often unfair life we are living. but God is good. in the midst of it all He is good. even when it is hard to see and everything looks so grey or so stark white and black it's insane. either way we are not alone. no matter what you believe or what you are about or if you pray or if you believe in anything greater than yourself. do not miss it. do not miss the chance to make a difference. choose joy. choose life. make the decision to not waste whatever comes your way but to view it as a chance to grow. to learn. to change. to surprise yourself. i often think back to those six months of cancer and go...what? really? that was our life? this is our life?

what you do with it my friends is up to you. enjoy.

birthday wishes.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 17:13:00 +0000

today is roma's birthday (ava's grandma and justin's mom). i always try and get ava to make videos for our family and she rarely does it...so when she does it is a treat and i thought i would share it.

happy birthday roma. we love you. wish we were closer to celebrate this very special birthday with you.

as you can tell from the video ava is a little confused on whose birthday it actually is. she watched this video at least 30 times on my phone today and cracks up laughing herself. it's hilarious.

my sorta short lived working career.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 14:35:00 +0000

a little background. in college i studied social work in grand rapids, mi at Calvin College and then moved to lexington, ky to be closer to my man, justin. while he finished up undergrad at UK (yes, i am older) i attended the advanced standing program (it was a fast track one year program) at UK for my masters in social work. as soon as i completed my grad work and passed my final exam we packed up a uhaul (our moving story is for another post...it was bad. i called my dad crying. we had only been married 3 months. we were not off to a good start when it came to moving). anyways, we moved to chesapeake, va for justin to begin young life staff in august of 2007. YL interns do not make a ton of money...it is no secret. so after being a nanny for a couple months and a lot of interviews i was finally hired to work for a therapeutic foster care agency. i was excited for my first "real" job and ready to doz3 what i love...care for people and build relationships and advocate for those who have no advocate. i did not last long. i worked there for about 8 months. although i enjoyed the relationships with the children and our foster care families i was not very good at leaving my work at home and after many late nights and lots of tears we decided to save as much as we could and in june of that year i left my job and spent the entire summer with high school girls. doing ministry alongside my husband and that was my heart. it was a very special summer. in the fall of 2008 i started substitute teaching in the chespeapebe public schools and nannying for two families. although it was not as financially lucrative (like social worker is to begin with...all perspective i guess) i loved the flexibility that this offered and the burdens were not as heavy. it set justin and i up to do life alongside students at grassfield high school and really invest in our new community. it was a joy and i am so thankful the Lord blessed us in that time and made it all possible.

this continued up until january of 2010 when little ava was born. i tried to nanny and substitute teach whenever possible. then july came and everything stopped and sped up at the same time. our focus became our family and beating cancer. thankfully because of you and so many other incredible people (most we have not met and how i urn to thank you all individually) who loved us when you did not have to...the potential monetary strains of medical bills and various incidentals never became a reality. thank you. thank you. thank you. we are blessed. we are loved. we were carried.

beat cancer. done and done.

spent some months healing and babysitting a little bit and then we moved.

after a few months of settling into our new home...the financial strain of me not working (for payment) became real. we have been praying forever about the perfect job for me: one that allows me to be with ava, really flexible, and i would even get paid. one night in december i sent out my resume to several social work type jobs in harrisonburg. within a week i heard from a counseling agency that provides therapeutic services to children and families in harrisonburg and the surrounding counties. after an interview where i felt confident and natural i was hired. i am much more confident in my skills now than i was right after i graduated five years ago. i am older, wiser, a mother, and i beat cancer so i now put myself in a special category i call: i am potentially tougher than you.

this job is ideal in that it is around 5-10 hours a week and is pretty flexible and i can do most of it from home (aside from the actual therapy). i have a small case load of one and it is perfect. wonderful college girls take care of ava while i am gone so i know she is in good hands. you all make it possible. thank you. knowing your child is safe and with people that love her provides justin and i with such a sense of peace and gratitude.

so there you have it. my working career or lack of...

who would've thought...

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 03:49:00 +0000

off they went. while ava was napping i decided that we would surprise justin at the airport and even get balloons. so my friend lindsay came over quick so i could run out. welcome home balloons. check. coke zero. check. showing up at the airport unexpectedly. check. i was on it. but not really...as i am getting ava out her seat i watch...almost like it was in slow motion the balloons blew away. i grabbed my phone to take a picture to have proof that i tried.

there they are and ava kept saying..."go get them mommy."

***

it has been a busy month of friends and travels and visits. my great friend angie and her little man silas came for the weekend to see our new home and to be mom's together and run a little 5k. she is legit. she is consistent. she is real. she loves me so well and loves Jesus the most.

love.

sweet friends. thanks to elizabeth and katie for making the trip in and for my new/friend for life, becky. how i love you all.

***

the run. i started the year with a nice overly optimistic goal for a girl who would not consider herself a runner or even real active for that matter. aside from keeping up with ava i do not exercise regularly. but i wanted to set a goal. so i did. half marathon in the end of april. about a month ago i let angie know that was probably not happening. it was freezing here and i was semi-depressed so running was not on the agenda. we changed the goal to: run a half marathon together in our lifetime. seems less scary for right now. angie helped to make the half marathon in nashville a reality last year. a whole bunch of friends and new friends ran for teamlibby. humbling. it was simply humbling and inspiring and a super fun weekend. because angie is cool like that she did make me feel guilty or push me...she just rolled with it. half marathon at some point in our life. so we made the 5k our mini half marathon. we acted like it was our race. our time. our adventure. all 3.2 miles of it. i kind of joke about it because 3.2 miles is not that much. but...come we celebrate stuff now. we celebrate the little things alongside the big things. so this was big. we ran our first pre-race run together on saturday morning in the ran. we ran about 2 miles. she kept me going. she encouraged me. i knew/know i am not in shape but i knew i was not going to walk any of it on sunday. so i didn't. i ran. i hate running. i was not alone. sweet angie, elizabeth, katie, and my new friend dawn (sad no picture together) we all did it. thanks for doing it. be proud.

perspective is everything. it is not a new thought or anything we have not heard before...but it changes everything. how we choose to view what is ahead. the road we are on. the valley we in or the mountain we are on top of. regardless the only thing we can ever control when life goes array and it will go array. is how we choose to see it. to embrace it. to dive into it. will we see hope, light, and joy...or...dark, deep, and scary. sometimes they are jumbled together into one. i love that freedom because that is real. that is the human heart. the constant dilemma between our head and our heart and how the two join together. i have seen this many times in my life. but yesterday as i ran in the rain with friends alongside me...i wanted to walk. even if just for a quick second. to catch my breath. i just wanted to breathe. i did not stop to walk and still managed to breathe. my mind stayed on one thing. if i can survive cancer...i can easily run a few miles. as i have reflected on running i began to see how that theme is now woven through the rest of my life. whatever i do. wherever i go. whatever happens. i have a strength i did not know i had. i have said this before and believe it so strongly. we are stronger than we think we are. you are stronger than you think you are. we rise to the occasion. even when we feel like we are sinking. we feel a lot of things and that does not mean it is true. we are not alone. the Lord is in all of it. i re-read my favorite 10 thoughts from john piper on not wasting your cancer and number ten like always stuck with me: you will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ. i can now add yet another way that cancer changed me. i want to do things that i do not believe i can do. i want to live life in a fuller, deeper, and richer way. so that is what is truth. He is strong when we are weak. He gives us everything we need even when we can't see it and we are scared and we feel alone and we not sure what is ahead. i embrace this new perspective. this new view on life. i am thankful for it. i am thankful for it the way i was the day we learned of my cancer diagnosis. is there still pain and heartache and deep wounds in cancer. YES. of course. maybe they will always be there. maybe just not so deep. i choose to embrace the unknown. the lack of control. the fact that things rarely turn out the way we want them too...but i choose hope and courage and strength in whatever may come. i am not naive. cancer may not be the biggest thing to ever happen to us. we are only 28. but our cancer story and our survivor story will be one that glorifies the Lord and i attribute my shift in perspective. my life perspective shift on cancer and on Jesus. i love that. i love that in pain we see joy and life and truth.

we are stronger than we think we are. whether it is running or working or pregnancy or singleness or death or cancer or heartache or pain or fear or uncertainty or depression or anxiety or whatever you are facing. whatever you walk in everyday. you can do it. i promise you can do it. you are not alone and i believe the Lord carries us when we can not do it one more second. He will use friends, your spouse, your mom, your co-workers, your family, your neighbors. you might even be surprised who comes out of the wood work when life gets crazy. but you are not alone. i pray we continue to be a community of people that rallies. when things get tough let's never stop rallying.

nice job ladies. we did it. no one walked. not even a little bit. we ran those 3.2 miles.

i like being on my own team. ha, that is funny. i only wore this shirt at the end for some pictures because i felt weird wearing a shirt that said team libby on it. either way...how far we have come sweet angie. this time we ran alongside each other. i am healthy and strong and healed. God IS good.

***

more on my new ability to wear a ponytail to come friday as it marks one year since the pixie cut.

5k and a ponytail.

noreply@blogger.com (libby) — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 13:05:00 +0000

here are two current highlights in my life.

ran a little 5k with some friends yesterday.

in preparing to run i realized my hair is long enough for a little pony tail.

more to come on both those topics as well as our weekend and my heart and our life. be back tonight.