Doodle Whore

How do you solve a problem like Casey Anthony?

2011-07-07T12:51:00.000-04:00

Casey Anthony truly won the lottery. She disposed of her burdensome toddler, dragged the family that she resented into the gutter in the most public way possible, lied to everyone about everything, was acquitted on the major charges, and will probably make a shitload of money on interviews, book deals, and a Lifetime movie (Alyssa Milano as Casey, Meredith Baxter-Birney as Cindy, James Brolin as George, Chuy Bravo as José Baez). As revolting as that is, history shows that TOT MOM will probably follow the O.J./Amy Fisher trajectory and end up broke, back in jail, (or worse) on Celebrity Rehab at some point in the near future.

In case you missed it, here's a clip of Nancy Grace and her shrieking pet gollum, Sue Moss, the rhyming-est, screamiest lawyer in Nancy's stable of talking heads shouting her analysis of the day's events.

Birthers are now to be referred to as "Afterbirthers"

2011-04-29T12:59:00.000-04:00

Doodle Whore has analyzed the President's recently released long-form birth certificate and it's real. It's also been determined that "Birthers" are simply a bunch of racist assholes who still can't get over the fact that we have a president who isn't white. Get over it already.

Anne Burrell uses too much salt

2011-02-16T14:09:00.001-05:00

Literal fistfuls of salt in everything she cooks. It's gross. Just stop.

P.S. If you don't know who this growling/grunting/Food Network/Spanx abusing tv personality is, just envision the spray-tanned love child of Rachel Ray and Bruce Vilanch, with yellow hair, a glandular problem, and a grating vocal tick. And just to prove I can be nice, I'm really enjoying her new show Worst Cooks in America.

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Video Whore: Randall needs to narrate EVERYTHING

2011-02-15T10:30:00.002-05:00

I'm sure you've dampened your knickers by now like I just did. Subscribe to Randall's Wild Wild World of Animals so you never miss an episode. KaDOOZE to the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck boys for bringing the genius of Randall to my attention. They're the crazy nastyass Honey Badgers of the ice cream truck world. They don't give a shit!

Born This Way sounds like Express Yourself.

2011-02-11T13:21:00.002-05:00

And Vogue. And Deeper and Deeper. I'm clearly not the only one who noticed. Whatever. Born This Way is perfectly acceptable cardio/pot throwing music.

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Separated at Birf: Rihanna and Rocky Dennis

2011-02-04T11:17:00.002-05:00

I blame Will and Jada Smith's preternaturally precocious and irritating spawn for starting this trend. Jayden remade The Karate Kid and his equally grating and prodigious sister, Willow, is going to be whipping Annie's red afro back and forth in a remake of Annie. Not one to be left out, Rihanna has decided to throw her five-head into the ring with her hotly anticipated re-boot of the classic 1985 Cher/Eric Stoltz tearjerker Mask! At least that's the only reason I can think of why she would allow her Ronald McDonald follicles to be styled into this particular hair-don't that makes Tyra Banks and Christina Ricci's spacious foreheads green with envy. Bangs are your friend. Don't forget that. -Ella, -ella, -ella.

Bitch Stole My Look: Rihanna channels Eric Stoltz as Rocky Dennis with a sky high forehead and scarlet tresses.

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Even her camel toe is overweight

2011-01-04T12:38:00.002-05:00

I totally understand the concept of emotional eating when under the stress of a breakup, but what kind of high fructose/high carb hell has Christina Aguilera been feeding her snizz lips? They're huge!

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I've been doodling on my iPhone

2010-12-14T09:37:00.000-05:00

When I'm not wasting time playing that damn Angry Birds game, I like to doodle with the Brushes app. Usually, I doodle genitals of varying shapes and sizes then email them to friends and family. If I get enough requests I will post those, but until then here are some famous people.

"Madonna Plays Jazz Flute"

"Lady Gaga Eats Grilled Cheese"

"Morrissey Sips Mineral Water with a Fuchsia Straw"

"Nicki Minaj Smokes a Sherlock Holmes Pipe"

The Real Paranormal Housetwats of Atlanta

2010-12-01T12:46:00.001-05:00

I'm keeping my toenails crossed for an enterprising ghost to snatch that broke-ass lacefront off of Kim's head and make it go into the light.

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Video Whore: American Idol (Tourettes Edition)

2010-11-04T09:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Valene

2010-10-25T11:11:00.003-04:00

I know you've been through a lot (stolen babies, amnesia, not to mention wrangling with that whore Abby Cunningham!), but it's officially time to retire the nude lip. You no longer live in Knots Landing. And it's not 1982. It makes your lips look like a couple of ham roll-ups slathered in Preparation H. Let it go.

You're welcome,
Doodle Whore

PS You might want to revisit your Donna Mills' beauty video The Eyes Have It if you're looking for tips. Yes, it's from the 80s, but it's TIMELESS and the nude lip isn't even mentioned once.

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Martha Stewart screwed by Nellie and Half-Pint

2010-10-12T11:39:00.002-04:00

I guess 8 straight hours of Martha-centric programming was too much perfection for the Hallmark network's core audience of mouth-breathing Snackwell's inhaling housewives and glue gun sniffing craft-whores, so they replaced it with Little House on the Prairie reruns. Ouch. And while I was perusing the Hallmark website for vital information, I discovered that Shannen Doherty and her lopsided eyeballs are starring in a Hallmark Original Movie about pumpkins (I'm not kidding) called Growing the Big One. Kadooze to you, Brenda!

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Video Whore: Talbot, the fragrance

2010-09-11T10:28:00.005-04:00

If you're like me and loving (and lamenting the end of) this sick, twisted, and hot season of True Blood, you'll love Talbot in a Jar, the new fragrance from those horror loving self-proclaimed "picky sissies" over at my new favorite blog, Camp Blood.

And don't miss Blood Work, their low-tech/high-sass video recaps of every single episode of True Blood.

Doodle Whore is on the Twatter now

2010-09-10T11:03:00.002-04:00

Tweet me, twat me, follow me.

Video Whore: Two more signs of the coming apocalypse

2010-08-30T16:41:00.007-04:00

Kim Kardashian compliments Khloe's vagina for not being "rashy," yet demurs when asked to critique her asshole:

Food Network's resident busty booze-hound, Sandra Lee, has already shat upon Kwanzaa and meatloaf, so why not the Jews?

In case you missed it, here's Sandra Lee pinching one on Kwanzaa:

And here's Sandra Lee's "meat loaf". Julia Child must be rolling in her grave:

Via the pithy Food Network Humor blog

Tranny Smackdown Sundae

2010-08-23T17:23:00.003-04:00

My visual interpretation of Humphry-Slocombe's Big Gay Ice Cream Truck inspired "Tranny Smackdown Sundae" is now available on a t-shirt. I didn't have much more to go on besides the actual ingredients of the sundae: "tranny padding" (shortbread baked by Humphry's Jake Godby), Slocombe strawberry ice cream and marshmallow fluff, smeared "mascara" (dark chocolate sauce), and smeared "lipstick" (Amarena cherry sauce), all topped with Trix cereal. Naturally, this information led me to doing my take on the classic "girl in a martini glass" motif, except with a 7 foot tall drag queen in platform boots and fishnet stockings with her padded ass parked atop a giant pink sundae glass. Wear this t-shirt with pride to your next church potluck or PTA meeting!

Just added: here's Jane Wiedlin of the Go-Go's wearing the shirt and hobbling around with a cane while debuting her new single, "Big Gay Ice Cream" for Big Gay birfday boy, Doug Quint:

"Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl..."

2010-08-11T18:49:00.001-04:00

The Jet Blue guy Steven Slater (aka: My Hero) reminds me of my other hero, Johnny from Airplane.

<div style="text-align:left;font-size:x-small;margin-top:0;width:480px;">The Best of Johnny from Airplane! - watch more <a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/" title="on Funny or Die">funny videos</a></div>

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Video Whore: Randy Rainbow is dating Mel Gibson

2010-07-21T22:28:00.000-04:00

Am I the only person who noticed that Lindsay Lohan's (former) lawyer looks like Marla Gibbs?

2010-07-09T13:30:00.003-04:00

If Jackée had been hired as her sassy co-council, this delusional, drug-addled moron probably wouldn't be facing 90 days in the slammer.

And since we're on the topic of doppelgängers, Judge Marsha looks just like Lily Tomlin. If she's not careful, little Lindsay is going to find her morning bump replaced with Skinny and Sweet (AKA Rid-O-Rat).

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Un-retouched Celebrities EXPOSED: Teresa Giudice

2010-05-21T12:14:00.001-04:00

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The Voluptuous Horror of Ramoner Singer: TURTLE TIME

2010-05-18T13:10:00.002-04:00

Ok. I can't stop. I'm obsessed with Ramona "Ramoner" Singer's pinot grigio fueled borderline personality disorder. Watching her drunkenly slur sweet nothings directly into the face of the Hooters CEO on the last episode was nothing short of surreal. In that spirit, I created this latest Ramoner Remix with David Lynch in mind. Kadooze.

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Un-retouched Celebrities EXPOSED: Gary Busey's newborn baby

2010-05-08T11:15:00.001-04:00

Let's call him "Chompers".

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Eyes of Ramoner Singer

2010-04-15T11:52:00.002-04:00

If you haven't noticed, I'm obsessed with RHONY's Ramoner these days. She seems particularly unhinged this season which I find irresistible. And let's face it, it's all about those eyes: popping, bulging, straining to burst out of their very sockets as if to say, "fuck this shit. We're OUTTA HERE!". Frankly, I can't blame them. Just take a look at her bizarre turn on the runway and the footage of her prattling on about Kelly "Sawdust for Brains" Bensimon's wayward boobs. Suddenly, inspiration hit: the iconic Eyes of Laura Mars movie poster, except with Ramoner's protuberant peepers instead. KaDOOZE!

P.S. If you haven't seen it, you must watch this movie. It has all of the decadent 70's glamorous elements necessary for maximum enjoyment: Faye Dunaway, murder, psychic visions, Guy Bourdin-esque high fashion shoots on the gritty streets of New York city, and extended cocaine fueled disco drenched montages. Fucking awesome. Check out a sample:

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Ramona Singer: Supermodel of the World!

2010-04-12T18:32:00.003-04:00

No, this is NOT Cameron Diaz. It's Real Housewives of New York superstar Ramoner! (According to her, they're practically identical twins.) I swear I must have watched the 10 second teaser of this lunatic strutting her bulging eyeballs down that runway about 20 times, so I was compelled to spend an entire morning whipping up this remix for your viewing pleasure. KaDOOZE!

An open letter to Heather Locklear's face

2010-04-05T17:07:00.001-04:00

Just stop. Please. It's starting to look like Silly Putty stretched over a balloon.

xoxo,
Doodle Whore

P.S. Someone needs to slap some sense into her again:

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