Doodles of a crazy man!

Life In Bengalooru With Rajni Sir

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Fri, 29 May 2009 13:23:00 +0000

One of the items I terribly enjoy on radio is "Life In Bengalooru With Rajni Sir" on Radio One. I "simbly" love it, as Rajni says. My guess is that its RJ Prithvi, but I am not too sure.

I have been meaning to do my take on it from a long time but it took this long for the idea to become a post.
I am personally not too happy with the outcome, but then I had a whale of a time recording and re-recording this stuff. Here it is...wachchaww!!!

Please drop a comment if you liked it.

Elections 09

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Mon, 18 May 2009 05:46:00 +0000

You know the most breaking news and the first headline item in every news channel on the counting day?
The "exclusive" predictions from the exit polls of their channel turned out to be true. Every goddamn channel had this news, errr story. Now, are people really interested in other news items?

******

Whats the difference between CPI-CPM before the elections and after the elections?
Before they were "Left", now they are left way behind!

******

Even when the trends were coming up, every party was putting up a brave face and telling that these were just trends and things will definitely change when the actual results are out. So confident are all these parties that if some party which had contested in less than 100 seats across the country made a statement that they are sure to form a government on their own, I would have been least surprised.

******

During the half way of counting, Rajdeep Sardesai asked a BJP spokesperson if they are willing to concede defeat at the strategic timeout in the Indian Political League (IPL). Both talked metaphorically for what seemed like hours. The spokesperson said that the result can swing in a couple of overs just like in T20. Yeah, if only they did not opt to play like "Knight Riders"! One sad thing about BJP not winning elections is that I am gonna miss Mr. Venkaiah Naidu and his Andhra english which goes something like "The paarty has faarmed the paalicy..."

******

I unconditionally hate all the parties which form Third Front, Fourth Front, nth Front etc. More for their creative bankruptcy than their ideologies(or lack of it) Cant they come up with some other meaningless names like Allied Secular Front, Indian Socialist Alliance, Democratic Communist Alliance?

******

I think "Singh is King" is the most overused slogan of this decade. Cant the brain dead journos come up with something else? Like this:
Yuvraj(Rahul Gandhi) Singh(Manmohan) storms IPL (Indian Political League)

Just Wondering...

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 11:21:00 +0000

I am just wondering if the buildings where the terrorist organizations are located have the checkpoints, metal detectors/bomb detectors and such stuff at the exit gate of the building...

Gulaal Music

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 08:56:00 +0000

The music of "Gulaal" is one of the best that has come out of Bollywood off late. I dont remember an album in the recent history in which I had loved all the songs so intensely. Each and every song is a gem! If only the movie was as good as the music...

The sad thing is, I will be least surprised if I dont hear the names Piyush Mishra, Rekha Bharadwaj or Rahul Ram in this year's award functions in music or lyrics category. That is how Bollywood is supposed to be, right?

You can listen to the songs here:
http://mp3hungama.com/music/index.php?action=album&id=4209

I am so bowled over by this album, I can go on and make a statement that if downloading mp3s were illegal in India, I would have run to the nearest music store and bought this album. Now, I will get back to listening the songs that are running in repeat mode.
Ranaji mhaare...

Naomi Campbell Saree & A Terrible PJ

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 09:54:00 +0000

Read this hilarious news in, where else, but TOI today:
"Naomi Campbell looked stunning in Vikram Phadnis' saree"

Vikram Phadnis' saree? I am grinning ear to ear whenever I think of that line!

*****

Q: "How does a south Indian bomb insult a north Indian bomb?"
A: By calling it a "bum" :)

Delhi 6

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 10:48:00 +0000

Now, let me tell you a story. During 1929, people were affected by "Depression". Or "The Great Depression" as it was called. Thousands died because of it. People across sections were affected. No one knew what the "Depression" was then. There were no CNBC, no economic blogs. Depression from the markets had entered into people's lives. One fine day, there was a cool dude walking on the roads wearing a black T-shirt with the words "DEPRESSION". All the people caught hold of him and started beating the hell out of him. They cursed him, that because of him the world economy was in danger. With just an ounce of life left, the cool dude started explaining people what "Depression" is. Depression is not a slogan on a T-shirt. There was so much depression in their lives, that they had stopped shopping, which was the only known catharsis for the modern man. This had created a huge imbalance in demand supply chain which in turn had caused depression in stock market. People understood what he was pontificating, they started living more happily, shopped like crazy, pumped in money to the market, and by the end of 1930, the world was out of "Depression".

Seriously, what did you think of the story? Was it brilliant? Did I remind you of Khalil Gibran?

Replace "Depression" with "Kaala Bandar", the "lack of enthusiasm to shopping" with "the evil thoughts in human mind", the cool dude in black T-shirt with Abhishek Bachchan in a fake accent, you get the essence of Delhi 6. Essence, not the story, mind you. You cannot get everything of Rakyesh Mehra's movies in one go. They have to be multi-layered, like Rishi Kapoor's chin.

So, Mehra must have thought something like this one saturday afternoon.

Arre yaar, I want to make a movie on Delhi. I want to show how people live there, the narrow lanes, the color, smell, taste of the city. Come on, the Bollywood fans are overdosed with Punjabis, they will love this.

How about having some abstract concept like "Mota Ulloo" or "Langda Haathi" or something...may be a "Kaala Bandar"? Its just symbolic okkay? (Yes, I can even use this "okkay" in the movie, will generate a few laughs) So, "Kaala Bandar" is something like "evil" inside all of us, that makes it a pretty intelligent movie. Like study of the dark human side or some such.

I am famous for drawing parallels. So, let me take Ram Leela and show how similar and contradictory it is to the contemporary India. Serial lighting in Ram Leela from which I draw parallels! Wow, sounds profound, sounds profound!

I dont want anyone to categorize my movie. My canvas is big, you know. So I will have many concepts - the NRI dilemma, corrupt police, hindu-muslim tensions, caste based discrimination, forced arranged marriages, jalebis (two kinds), young kids discovering smoke (oh yes, never before has anyone shown it in Indian cinema).

Ting. Mehra gets a forward on his Motorola.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Hahaha. Mehra laughs his heart out on reading the 2005 joke. I want to have this in my movie, it sounds kewl (Hey, I liked the sound of it, will ask AB to have an accent like that)

This is how my friends movies like Delhi 6 are made. A complete fake take on the study of the darker human side, contemporary politics and multi layered narration. I badly miss the unapologetic junk of yesteryears. Karishma Kapoor with bushy eye brows. Govinda in his technocolor pants. Raveena Tandon wearing horrendous skirts. Shakti Kapoor and Kader Khan. We have not lost the crapness factor yet, but we have lost all that sincerity.

Comparison

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 17:11:00 +0000

Black Men. Big History. What a comparison!
Next what? Compare Karunanidhi with Stevie Wonder? :)

P.S: In a blog as old, surprisingly this is the first photo!

Notes on Ghajini & Slumdog Millionaire

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 08:44:00 +0000

Notes on a couple of movies I happened to watch recently:

Ghajini

The first thoughts that came to my mind was - What an effort? And what a waste? No, I was not expecting 'Memento', but something saner at least.
My biggest grouse is that there was absolutely no effort to show the emotional turmoil of the hero, after losing his memory. The only thing was that the hero shouting, huffing and puffing whenever he sees his muscules and tattoos.
Who made the movie Ghajini? Director ne audience ko kya banaya? The same answer - "Murga Banaya"!
What do Aamir Khan and Minnisha Lamba have in common? So much effort to sculpt the body for such an abysmal movie!
I am surprised that nobody made this observation. Aamir has a short term memory loss (courtesy Memento) to make the proceedings interesting. But, but he also has a retrograde amnesia (a la old hindi movies - "woh apni puraani yaad dash kho chuka hai") So basically he has no memory - not the immediate past, not the past past. Interesting!
In the climax, when Aamir exceeds his 15 minute window while chasing the villain, he shows absolutely no sense of recognition, which to me is the single most brilliant moment in the movie. Ironically, the same scene made me sad about what Aamir could have achieved if he was asked to show the inner conflict more than the tattooed muscles.
Asin does the 'look-here-look-I-am-so-bubbly-cheerful' annoying Tamil heroine act to perfection. She should just settle for being on the gorgeous Tanishq posters instead!
Jiah Khan perfectly complements a badly written role. She should just stick to doing item songs shot from a distance.
Ghajini was perhaps the only popular hindi movie named after a villain, in which the villain is so lame.

Slumdog Millionaire

Who came up with this name? No, I am not talking about 'Slumdog'. Its about 'Millionaire'. Its a game show that is being played in India - for a prize money of 2 crore. Then why oh why is it called 'millionaire'? The current hindi version has a more meaningful name - 'Slumdog Crorepati'.
The best performance in the movie is from the kids - by a long long distance. All it needed was a Darsheel Safary and then a bunch of slum kids to show that there is nothing inherently wrong with Indian kids. Its the directors who make them annoying, irritating, unbearable while trying so hard to convince us that they are cute.
The movie is brilliant in parts, but definitely not Oscar material.
The slums are shot superbly, in a way they have never been done before, though I felt Danny Boyle missed no little opportunity to showcase the slums. Remember the first scene, where the policeman does not just scare the kids away by shooing them - he chases them in what seems like a mini tour of slums, when apparently he had no real intention of catching the kids.
Dont you think the accent that the slum kids develop in their adult life is a wee bit sophisticated even by an urban kid's standards?
Did anyone notice the 3 actors who played Jamal's brother and how similar they look? Really appreciated that attention to detail.
Though the stories within the story are more touching, the bigger story of a guy coming to television show to reach his love is so so far fetched, that it puts any Bollywood movie to shame. Karan Johar, Aditya Chopra beware - you have some serious threat here!
When there was a communal riot happening, what was that kid with the horrendous Ram make-up doing in a Muslim locality? The scene is so over-the-top, it could have been done so subtly, like showing a huge banner having Ram's photo or something like that.
Anil Kapoor simply hams it up, in what is one of the worst written roles in the movie. I was expecting every moment that Anil will jump out of his seat, don a hat and break into "Aye jee Oh jee Loji suno jee"! What a tragedy, that the Indian stars who are getting the international exposure now are Anil Kapoor and Aishwarya Rai.
Dev Patel is so wooden, he can give Bobby Deol a run for his money.
The background music was brilliant, though the unnecessary song towards the end credits (Jai Ho) was again Danny Boyle's obsession to do something 'Bollywoodish'.
This was by no means anywhere close to Rahman's other brilliant works (compare this with 'Dil Se'), but this is the best opportunity to hand him an award which his entire body of work thoroughly deserves. In that aspect, its more like a lifetime achievement award for him.

Domestic Cricket Tales

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 08:48:00 +0000

I have no clue when exactly I got introduced to cricket. I try hard to recall my first memory of cricket. It must be having a light cream colored plastic bat and a red plastic ball. I still have a photo of mine holding that plastic bat, head still in deep concentration, stance as balanced as you could get. I wonder how I had learnt about the stance - considering that there was no television those days. How did I know that I had to place the bat just behind my toes? How was it that when you hit a straight drive, the elbow stayed parallel to the bat?

Television ensured that an interest turned into obsession. My earliest cricket memories are not pleasant. I remember the way Graham Gooch used to sweep the Indian spinners as though he was cleaning the pitch off the minutest dirt; of Javed Miandad hitting a last ball six; a joke of a batsman otherwise known as Mr. Maninder Singh getting out in the last ball against Australia when India needed just a run for a tie. I presume those were the matches that made me a pessimistic viewer. I still remember my dad waking me up at 2.00 in the night to catch the world cup matches live and the times I would gobble up lunch within 10 minutes and have enough time to catch up at least 6 overs at a classmate's home nearby before the school bell rang again.

Television also ensured that we understood the nitty-gritties of the game. Along with other nonsensical things of course. Like rotating your arms as you walk into the ground, jog a bit as you walk to the crease, stop the bowler for no reason as he starts running to bowl, go a few steps towards the leg umpire to take some deep breaths, walk back and dig the ground a couple of times and take stance. And of course, applying saliva to the ball (which did nothing to the rubber ball we used to play with, but used to annoy the orthodox elders enough to give a lecture on enjlu) The hats were a major craze then, the type Gavaskar used to wear. Cooling glasses were unheard of and applying face creams came into fashion only after Alan Donald. Other big thing, of course, was chewing gum.

The resume of any self-obsessed cricket loving kid of my times would be incomplete without the chewing gum. Anyone remember "Big Fun"? It used to have "runs" inside the pack. Ravi Shastri - 1 run, Vengsarkar - 4 runs, the excitement as we opened the wrapper was unbelievable. All we had to do was collect 200 runs and 10 wickets, stick them in a Big Fun Book and hand it over to the shopkeeper, who would give us the Big Fun gifts like bat(?) and a trivia book in return. Wickets were hard to come by, and the conversion rate as expected was 20 runs for 1 wicket. I was so fond of my runs and wickets that I never submitted them, even though the Big Fun gift book was so tempting.

A bunch of equally fanatic cricket loving classmates helped a great deal. In spare time, we would discuss on how the fingers have to be rolled on the ball to bowl leg spin or off spin, how to hold the wrist position which would generate an inswinger or an outswinger. We had our own share of urban legends - one I can think of is, if you are a right hander and try bowling a lot using your left hand, you will "lose" the "power" in your right hand to bowl fast. That was the time when we pronounced "gloves" which would sound like "blouse". And for a long time we did not know that it was "hit wicket" and not "witwicket" :D

This was also the time we got to know about the statistics. ~~That Kapil had 434 wickets, which was then overtaken by Hadlee.~~ (Correction: That Hadlee had 431 wickets, which was overtaken by Kapil Dev) I was so obsessed with numbers, that I used to keep my statistics as well. It did not take me long to overtake both Kapil and Hadlee. We used to play during lunch breaks and just after school hours near a friend's home. On the exam days, it was cricket with small stones as ball and cardboard (used as support for the answer sheets) as bat. Missing the school to probably attend a wedding or such would mean a risk of classmates overtaking my records (Dont remember if anyone kept a track of their records, that I felt so threatened) I would make sure I gather some kids at the wedding, draw 3 lines of some wall, bowl them some unplayable balls made from paper and snatch a few wickets. The time I stopped counting, I had amassed over 4000 wickets.

Whenever we could not play near my friend's home, we used to play on the road in front of our home - which I now jokingly call the "domestic" cricket! If you have never played domestic cricket in your life, you would have missed a great deal of fun. There were players of all ages - kids who could never lift the bat, to middle aged persons. We used bricks as wickets. Not stacking the bricks, but just 3 bricks laid side by side. Whether you were bowled or not would depend on whether the ball passed over those bricks and at what heights. It was a gentleman's game and nobody took unfair advantage of invisible wickets. The biggest advantage of the brick wickets was that two wheelers could easily avoid by going either to the left or right of the bricks and the cars could pass with the left and right wheels on either side of the brick wickets. Later we started using electric pole as the wickets and a brick (or a stick balanced precariously between two bricks) formed the lone wicket at the bowler's end.

If you have to succeed in domestic cricket, its not just the bowling or batting skills that comes into picture, you need to be aware of the boundaries and limitations - like where the houses are situated, which glass panes are more vulnerable etc. If the ball fell into the bushes at the vacant sites or to the drainage next to the footpath, it was "1 run declared", even if it went past the boundary. If the ball went directly into the compound of any house, it was out! This was to discourage mindless hitting which was dangerous to the glass panes, in turn to the very existence of the game in that road. The compound did not belong to the umpire and it was considered not out. As you can see, the scoring options were limited - no pull shots, no cut shots, no sweep - just tuck and run, straight drives, cover drives. There was no six - a six was considered out, again to discourage mindless hitting. So you had to play well placed ground shots or well judged one bounce to the boundary fours to score maximum allowed runs.

The exposure to "domestic" cricket would help you appreciate why Indians are not complete cricketers. I can easily imagine the Bong uncle who might have never returned any ball that fell in his compound, which restricted Ganguly's God status to just the off side. A narrow lane in Chennai with a big open site on the on side must have made Robin Singh play every ball to the leg side.

My most prolific career was at my granny's place, where me, my brother and my cousin would play hours of cricket, even during my graduation days. We had an open space on the terrace which was about the size of a big room. And the rules were like this. If the ball is hit out on the first bounce, which means it goes down, the batsman is out. To make sure everyone gets a batting chance, it was "pitch catch out" (also called puta catch out in Kannada). This included ball hitting the wall and then catching directly also. Sometimes there would be as many as 5-6 fielders and some of them mighty good. Now, my cousin could bowl vicious legspin (I could never bowl legspin, so I settled being an offie) which would take the outside edge of the bat and go down, no matter how well you reached out to the ball and played with soft hands. So, I changed the tactic and started practising left handed. And learnt fierce cover drives and late cuts not to give any chance for a pitch catch. After playing like that for years, I lost the "power" in my right hand and now I cannot play right handed at all. I am now a left handed batsman - strong on the off side.

From the last few years though, playing domestic cricket has become a rarity. But, even now seeing young kids playing cricket on the road makes me immensely happy. I can see the glimpses of my childhood in them. Sometimes I take the bat from them, play a couple of flowing cover drives. I remember that line from Alejandro Inarritu's delightful "Amores Perros" - "We are also what we have lost"!

How Long Should A Man's Legs Be?

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 10:24:00 +0000

Woody Allen writes in one of his books "Side Effects":
Q: How long should a man's legs be?
A: Long enough to reach the ground!

I had not laughed that hard while reading something in a while. Had planned to write a post on "Annie Hall". Did not have any time off late. Will do soon. Hopefully!

SMS

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 08:39:00 +0000

At the lunch table last friday, a colleague's mobile beeped. Twee Twee SMS. He picked up his mobile and read out the message:
"Hey buddy, I am planning to throw a party to all my friends tonight. Please attend it without fail. Venue Taj Hotel".
A few of them laugh.
I feel sick.

Bangalore Mysore Highway

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 11:17:00 +0000

Huh, it was a really really long time, wasn't it? Well, it was the longest stretch of time where I did not get any idea to write. It finally took the Bangalore-Mysore highway to get me to write. And of course, I was getting "lot" of request to resume blogging too. "Lot" does not mean lot of people. It was lot of request from a single person - my wife!

Disclaimer: This is not a travelogue in the true sense of word. As always, its highly unstructured, deeply personal and hardly useful.

Driving on the Bangalore - Mysore highway is always a very intimate experience for me. It holds a thousand memories, its a meditative sort of journey which had helped me clear up my muddled thought process many a times in the past. It is here where I used to get the ideas for many of my earlier posts. I will just write about some random things that come up to my mind when I travel here.

Bangalore
"How long does it take to drive from Bangalore to Mysore?". You can never answer that question without throwing back another question - "You mean, from home or from the outskirts?". Well, that my friends, is Bangalore. The city I now call home. The city that has given me so much. The city which dares you not to feel strongly about it. And makes you fail miserably at that. The city thats irresistible in spite of all the frustrations it gifts you. As the cliche goes, you can love it, you can hate it, but you cannot ignore it.

Kengeri
Its not over till you are out of Kengeri. You never feel like you are out of Bangalore till you take those serpentine turns at the hopelessly laid traffic barricades here. To me, Kengeri is just the border of Bangalore, which you have to cross to enjoy the sheer joy of the highway ride ahead.

Bidadi
There are some places you love and some you hate. The others, like Bidadi, you dont give a damn. You dont even have an opinion. Even after all these years, passing by it hundreds of times, I cannot make one additional statement after I finish saying "Bidadi is an industrial town". You cannot love it, you cannot hate it, so you definitely have to ignore it.

Ramanagara
The most lovely stretch of straight road where you can almost reach 140k, takes you to the rocky hill town. The "Ghousia Engineering College" reminds you that a third of the journey is over. I wonder if there is a way to reach the top of the rocky hills, but my laziness never takes me any further than that little imagination. These rocky mountains never fail to amaze me, I simply love them. I have seen many a beautiful sunsets here. The greed for granite is slowly destroying what was once a safe abode of Gabbar. It reminds me of Jai and Veeru. The most famous coin in the history of Indian cinema. I wonder if the rock where Sambha used to sit is still there. My heart bleeds more for those rocks than all the trees they cut in Bangalore. Give man a little sense and momma nature a hundred years, you can get back all that greenery. But can you ever bring those beautiful rocky hills back? Strange thing this - while manmade items can be easily recreated, natural living things can be regenerated with some effort, natural lifeless things are almost impossible to get back!

Channapatna
Channapattana. The toy town. A myriad non-vegetarian hotels, garages and toy stores greet you to this city. The roadside "Bindaas family garden dhaba", "Kuri koli mudde oota" on one side and the swanky Coffee Day on the other. Very symbolic - two drastically different Indias, co-existing effortlessly.

Maddur
Gejjalagere marks the exact midpoint in the Bangalore-Mysore journey. Its again one of the names I love, I just like the way it sounds.
The city of Maddur is the only stretch to have the 6 lane roads. A bunch of interspersed political hoardings make the otherwise breathtaking landscape seem ugly. The land of Maddur vade. A minor deviation off the highway will take you to an obscure lake called "Thailoor Kere". (Note to self - I need to visit that lake again) I had serendipitously discovered it a few years back when there was a road blockage on the highway thanks to some politician's paadayatra. Shivapura here has a "Satygraha Smaraka Bhavana". I wonder if it has any significance to the freedom struggle. But again, my laziness gets the better of my curiosity.

Mandya
Its all green on the way to Mandya. From the lush green fields - green ranging from 'Liril green' to the 'Madhuri-Dixit-in-Maar-Daala' green, farmers wearing green shawl on their dusty white clothes, to the money - its all green here. The political hoardings are even frequent and the cutouts of movie stars are gigantic. The five minute journey that takes you to get out of the city is the least enjoyable experience post-Kengeri. Yes, the second third of the journey is over.

Srirangapattana
One of the towns that reminds me of the British. Not so much because of Tippu Sultan. But for the way they killed the beautiful tongue twisting names of so many towns and cities in India. Seringapattam, my foot. To me, it would always be Srirangapattana. There is a santhe every saturday I guess. Just 20 mins away from Mysore, from the fun forts, from the Infy and from the Brigade apartments. What a contrast. Yes sir, this is how we do the business here. Just before you reach Srirangapatna, you can always see me smile. Its because of this small village called "K Shettihalli". Its perhaps the only village to have an initial. Kallashettihalli, kullashettihalli, anything would be fine. But, K Shettihalli is definitely a haha material.

Mysore
The "underground temple" at Siddhalingapura makes me feel I am "almost there". There is an old temple just before we reach Mysore, which looks so beautiful from the outside. (Note to self - I need to...) I love old temples - they will be very charming, like old Italian black and white movies. The road having the Mysore exhibition and Mysore palace on either side makes me feel I am home. Mysore Palace - you might have seen it fully lit. But, you got to watch it at midnight with minimal lighting to appreciate the real beauty of it. The lights at the steps of Chamundi hills form a lovely "Y" on a new moon day while the hills form a faint silhouette. Mysore, which never evokes very strong feelings in you, perhaps the reason why people find it serene and relaxing to be there. Mysore, which used to be home, which still makes me feel home whenever I am there. Mysore, where I may never go back to settle. Yet, Mysore, which will always be there in that sentence "Basically I am from..."

Conversations

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 07:17:00 +0000

Terrorist (to his wife): Honey, I am going out for lunch with a few friends.
Wife: Okay fine. So you dont need your "tiffin box" today?

******

Terrorist in Delhi (TiD) calls his friend Terrorist in Chennai (TiC)
TiD: Hows you dude? How was the weekend?
TiC: Pretty boring machcha. Did nothing. Stayed home all day. How was your weekend?
TiD: Awesome. We had a blast!

In Bangalore Mirror

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 13:02:00 +0000

One of my blog posts has been featured in today's edition of Bangalore Mirror.

http://www.bangaloremirror.com/index.aspx?page=article&sectid=21&contentid=20080918200809181857294071e48f63f&sectxslt=

Birthday Parties

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 10:31:00 +0000

The biggest change in the transition from your mid-twenties to the wrong side of twenties is the exponential increase in the invitations to kids' birthday parties. If you were born during the seventies-eighties like me, I can bet most of you would not have celebrated your birthdays as a kid. Celebration, as it is known today.

When I was a kid, mom would make bisi bele bath, curd rice, some sweet and invite a few relatives over to breakfast or dinner. "Mane maTTige" was the mantra then. The old people would bless me with vidya, buddhi, ayassu, arogya, aishwarya - all combined together did not make much difference to my happiness as lets say a Lacto King candy did then. The not-so-old ones would gift a pen set - an ink and a dot pen - with a clearer instruction - "You should study well and get good marks". Go to school, the class teacher would announce that you were the birthday kid. Yes, we could wear "color dress" when mere mortals suffered in their hapless uniforms. The class would quickly sing a "Happy Birthday" with the hope that you would have got some candies for them (small candies mind you, not a chocolate bar!) in that bag overloaded with books. Best friends were privileged to get two candies. End of party, birthday over! Back to homework in the evening.

Twenty years is a long time, I tell you. Now, celebration has to be in a party hall! Make the poor helpless kids wear conical birthday hats (or is it comical birthday hats?). The birthday cake is generously sprinkled with the bits of shiny paper from inside the bursting balloons. Photos, videos et al. As far as I know, this will not stop after the kid's first birthday party. You see parents celebrating their kids' 2nd, 3rd, 4th birthday in *.Sagar party hall. I am a lil curious here, when would they stop celebrating a kid's birthday at a party hall? 5th birthday? 10? 20? I dont know, young parents should tell me!

Lets say you decide to stop after age 5, you have no idea how depressing it could be for the child. The kid will start wondering why their parents stopped celebrating his birthday from this year, if they dont love him anymore etc. etc. Imagine your kid in class two. His friends would come up to him and ask - "Hey, how come you have not uploaded your birthday videos to YouTube yet? Internet down still?". Believe me, even the strongest kid will find it mightly traumatic to answer a question like that.

In order to make sure the kid wont feel that way, you will never stop celebrating. I can clearly visualize a 2030 bidaai scene where the father would tell his son in law - "Please take good care of my daughter. She is the apple of our eyes, orange of our noses etc. etc. And we have been celebrating her birthday from the last 24 years, dont ever miss celebrating her birthday every year in New Shanti Sagar." [Note: New Shanti Sagar was opened in 1998]

Go a little further in time. Circa 2050. A conversation will sound like this - "Do you know any good party halls in town? We are trying to book one for our grand mother's birthday. We are not finding any. She will be heart broken if we dont find one in time".

New Shanti Sagar will come up with a Lifetime Party Hall Membership Card for birthday celebrations (People born on Feb 29th can avail 70% discount, please hurry!) You might get a call from an unknown number during a very busy project meeting, you pick the call and the caller would say - "Hello sir, we are calling from New Shanti Sagar, we are offering you a Lifetime Gold Party Hall Membership Card. No activation charges, sir. Not interested? Okay sir, thank you, sir. Have a good day".

Independence Day

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 08:59:00 +0000

The traffic signals are abuzz with hawkers selling cheap plastic flags.
No one sells the yellow cleaning clothes this week. Metal badges of the tricolor are the flavor.

I am sure Pat Pat Pataaki Pallavi, Huchch Huchch Harsha and their ilk will have some stupid quiz on the radio as usual.
Sample - when did India get independence?
Option A: 3167 BC, B: 712 BC, C: 1947 AD. Send an SMS to *** and win goody bags.

That imbecile orkut acquaintance of yours will send that old forward, which you would have read at least a hundred times - dont we all know now that 36% of the NASA scientists are Indians and 38% of Microsoft employees are Indians? Dont be too surprised if you find Abhinav Bindra added towards the end of the mail - with a mismatched font.

The whole nation feels a sudden surge in patriotism this week thanks to Bindra. Majority of them (including me) who had no clue what a 10m Air Rifle means vigorously google it out to know what the hell that is - to avoid looking stupid if this topic comes up during coffee time conversations. As usual, everyone will start blaming cricket for anything wrong with any other sports in India.

Come next week, hawkers will be back to selling yellow cleaning clothes. And we will resume discussing if Sachin should retire or not.

Some Things Change...Some Dont

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:37:00 +0000

Remember the baddies in movies of yesteryear who would tie up the old rich man and threaten him of dire consequences if he did not offer that "one signature" so that they can get the possession of his bungalow, car, factories, properties, his undergarments etc? How simple were those times! Nowadays even for a simple home loan, the bank guys insist you to sign in at least fifty places. No wonder the recent movies have no baddies who ask for that "one signature". I am sometimes happy that such naivety in Indian movies is gone. But, I sometimes miss the stupid charm of such scenes!

***

Another major improvement in Indian cinema is the disappearance of the "poor hero". I dont think there is any other country which glorified and celebrated poverty as much as we did. In the old movies, the poor guy is a honest 'paapa' person. And rich guy is evil. Almost always. The reality is, a poor guy need not always be the one who was cheated by the evil guy. He could a person who is lazy, or one who blows off all that he earns on gambling and drinking. A rich guy need not always be the one who exploits the poor, he could be one who earned money by working hard and being smart. Alwa? The common dialogue in the old movies are "I have no dhana, but I have guna". The sheer contempt they exhibit towards dhana is so meaningless. Just like that forward which said - "Money can buy you mattress, but not sleep". What they forget is that comfortable mattress and sleep are not mutually exclusive. If you are cursed with sleeplessness, dont you think its better to suffer lying on a comfortable mattress? This chee-cheeing of money has gone of late. Thankfully!

***

Indian movies have become "bigger and bolder" over the years. Read it as more budget and less costume. But, the interesting thing is that even now, all the lovemaking scenes are accompanied by songs or background music. Not sure if censors object to moaning in Indian cinema. Well, I think I am having high expectations. We are yet to have a comfortable kissing scene in Indian cinema and I am asking for much more. Remember the Vidya Balan - Madhavan kiss from "Guru"? Thinking of it always makes me laugh. You could easily finish a Tower of Hanoi puzzle with 6 discs by the time they searched for each others' lips. I think Madhavan might have felt that Vidya Balan's big nose was too much of an obstacle :)

***

I dont know if you have been in such an argument, but I always have the knack of finding that Some Other Person (SOP) for such an argument.
SOP: I dont like Dr. Rajkumar. He is not a nice person.
Me: Why do you say that?
SOP: Because he has done nothing for the people.
Me: Means?
SOP: Look at Rajnikanth, he gifts autos to his fans. Chiranjeevi also gives a lot to his fans. What has Rajkumar done to his fans?
Me: Why should he?
SOP: (with a perplexed look) What do you mean why? He is what he is because of the love of the people. He should do something for the people.
Me: You got it all wrong. The thing is he is an actor, thats his profession. People like his acting, they see his movies, he is popular. Thats it. People pay up to see what they like. Would you expect a very famous money-making blogger to donate something to his readers because he is what he is due to his readers? Ridiculous! So, if someone has made lots of money, its up to him how he wants to use it. If he wants to do some charity, thats fine. If he wants to spend it himself, that should be fine too. Nobody has a right to tell someone what he has to do with his money.

I have not got a proper response from any of the SOPs. If you are one of those SOPs, let me know what you think.

IPL - Fun Unlimited

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 11:56:00 +0000

Ravi Shastri is a great commentator, or so he thinks. Its not too surprising when someone is in the company of Sanjay Manjrekar, Arun Lal and the likes. And lets not forget, he was the inventor of that historic phrase - "The last thing the team needs at this stage is a run out". As if there would be some stage when "run out" will move up in the "necessary" list. Well, anyways!

Thank heavens, his statements are not as ridiculous as Arun Lal who would say - "Rameez, I reckon when the required run rate keeps shooting up like this, the batsmen have to get the boundaries".

But, Shastri provided ample entertainment last night at the IPL finals presentation ceremony.
"Ladies and gentlemen, on stage we have Sharad Pawar, president of Board of Control for Cricket in India, Lalit Modi - Chairman and Commissioner of IPL,......., Sharad Pawar - president of Board of Control for Cricket in India"
With so much (repeated)attention showered, no wonder Pawar was a happy man!

Shastri to Yusuf Pathan: "You scripted a fabulous win! Were your nerves jangling when you went out to bat?"
Yusuf Pathan: "Hh Hh Hh"
Yusuf Pathan took almost two minutes before he said a comprehensible word. He looked like a mixture of Yuvraj Singh facing a Murali doosra and Saurav Ganguly completing a third run.
Yusuf Pathan: "Bowlers ne acche performance diya. Shane-bhai ne accha dekh baal kiya. Hh Hh Hh..."
Shastri was visibly disappointed that Pathan did not pick the "scripting" and "jangling" part of it and promptly switched over to hindi.
Shastri: "Jab aap batting karne ke liye aaye, kya aap nervous thae?"
Yusuf: "Mashallah, main nervous thaa. Par main Watson se baath kartha raha"
Now, if Yusuf could not understand the "scripting" and "jangling" bit of Shastri, funny how he understood the "maete", "baetsman" accent of Watson?

Javed Miandad had a long standing record of the most ridiculous english speaking Pakistani. My favorite of Miandad's has always been - "The team play well. All batsman plays well. And bowlers plays well".
Sohail Tanveer grabbed that record to his kitty along with the purple cap.
Shastri: "Terrific match Sohail. Were your nerves jangling during the final over?"
Sohail shook his head rigorously and mumbled something that was as unplayable as his bowling. What a fitting response to Shastri's overused "jangling" statement!

Last but not the least, while introducing the Chennai Super Kings players when they were out to receive their medals:
"Makhaya Ntini. Terrific athlete. Great performance today. He has added color to this Chennai Super Kings".
Now, did anyone else found that statement unintentionally racist? Or is it just me? :D

Giftsoo Giftsu

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Fri, 23 May 2008 07:59:00 +0000

I am too just-married to get tired of writing stuff related to the wedding. Gone are those days when people were anxious to know what gifts they got. Nowadays its all about hoping that the unwanted gifts dont exceed the storage space at your home. There are 3 broad categories when it comes to gifting 'items':
Innovative types
Only 2% belong to this category. They know your tastes, they know how usable it is to you, they know that the chances of someone else gifting the same item are slim.

Ganesha types
If I were Lord Shiva or Vishnu, I would have cursed the entire humanity for how I am ignored when it comes to gift items.
A typical conversation of a couple goes about like this:
Husband: We have to go to that wedding in the evening.
Wife: What gift shall we buy?
Husband: Some Ganesha gift item of course.
Wife: (smiling) Of course! (What else?)

54% of the people fall under this category. Ganesha has got great range, he comes in all forms - from the most artistic to highly innovative to funny to absolutely ridiculous. My brother has a collection of over 200 Ganeshas - dancing, playing music, sitting, standing, sleeping, programming - you name it, we have it. So every time someone gives a Ganesha, its mostly the one you already have. Or even worse, you get two pieces of the same variety on the same day. I love you Ganesha, but bring on the Ayyappas, Kaalabhairavas and Gajalakshmis please!

Clock types
No occasion is complete without a few unusable clocks being gifted. 54% of the people fall under this category as well. I am seriously planning to have one of living room walls as a "clock wall" and hang all the clocks that we got, each one set to the time zone of a different country.

Those of you who must be wondering why the percentages are not adding up properly, 10% of the people actually gift clocks with Ganesha on them! :D

*****

If you are not the innovative types when it comes to gifts, better stick to giving cash. You will be really appreciated. There are many varieties in the cash givers as well and each one may belong to one of more of these categories:
Anonymous
There will always be a few who do not write their names on the gift covers. Few are definitely the "dont-want-to-be-discovered-of-giving-so-less" type. The rest belong to the very old thinking that even writing their names on the covers amounts to showing off.

Coverless Anonymous
Among the gift covers, you will at least find a note given by someone who just slipped it into your hands while offering a handshake. May be these are the ones who paid an unexpected visit, had no gift cover, at the same time did not wish to go giftless.

The One Rupee
They will never ever give you money without a one rupee coin along with the gift amount. One logic I have heard from them is that "plus one" means continual growth and thats wishing for prosperity. 50, 100, 500, 1000 just dont exist in their worlds. It has to be 51, 101 and so on. The funny thing about this is, may be 50 years ago when one rupee was still a decent gift amount, did these people give two rupees? :D

Documenter
This, at least to me, is a new phenomenon. Of people writing "100/-" in the corner of the cover, near the opening and even sometimes as a heading on the cover. They are exactly opposite to the "Anonymous" types. They want the giftees to know how much they gave. Even if the money accidentally falls off from the cover, they ensure that you know how much they had actually gifted you.

Staple, Gum, Staple-n-Gum
Some staple on the cover, some staple on the cover and the note together. Some use gum to close the covers. And some are so generous in the usage of the gum as well as staples that I have a few notes that I am not able to take off from the cover!

*****

On a completely different note, have you noticed that even in today's times, most of the men hesitate to shake hands with the bride and most women hesitate to shake hands with the groom when they come to wish the couple on the stage?

Scenes From A Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Tue, 13 May 2008 12:25:00 +0000

I think only a misandric person could have formulated the customs in a South Indian marriage. How else can you explain the dhaare ceremony where the bride will be in a beautiful saree and the groom in a ridiculously translucent white kachche? The bride gets her hair beautifully styled and the groom gets a mysore peta to cover his receding hairline. Utmost attention is given to the bride's face for her to look divine, while all that the groom gets is two drishti bottu (to ward off the evil eye) placed with such precision that guarantees maximum possible pathetic looks! Trust me, every man finds his woman absolutely stunning in the wedding saree. But, I am yet to meet a woman who thought her husband looked mind blowing in that white kachche. Not just that, I spent the last week before marriage running from store to store searching for that elusive white underwear (you guessed it right, to go along with the translucent white kachche) while the wife (the then fiance) was shopping for her jewelry and taking tips from parlor aunty on how to look even more stunning.

*****

Feminists who scream hoarse about patriarchy and all that crap have no clue how men are actually discriminated in the society. Men just do the "I am the boss" act, but its the women who pull all the strings. Women in south india have this habit of gifting each other "blouse piece" during any religious or social occasion. Men usually get nothing, the lucky ones at the most get a kerchief. If you are in the closest family circles, the women get nice sarees when all you get is a lousy "shirt piece" (yes, the white shirt with blue stripes or brown checks) Researches have shown that the gift shirt pieces get redistributed 5 times more than gifted sarees.

*****

The most used phrase on the reception stage by friends/relatives is "Please bring him/her home sometime". Apart from "Happy married life" of course. I have already promised 1583 people that we, the newly wed couple would "definitely" visit their home. Even if we visit one family every weekend, I will almost be 60 by the time I fulfill my promise. By then, we will not be a newly wed couple though.

*****

"Remember me?" is the most tricky question, often asked by that over enthusiastic uncle on stage when you are already on the verge of collapsing due to dehydration and bright video recorder lights. "Hmm, yes uncle" and a sheepish smile works most of the times, while your mind is busy guessing if he is a distant cousin of dad, an old colleague of mom or someone who was supposed to be going to the wedding in the adjacent choultry. The even-more-enthusiastic uncles dont stop there, they come up with a "Tell me who I am". Seeing the name written on the gift cover from the corner of your eye helps sometimes (It can backfire too, if he is giving the gift on behalf of his aged father who could not attend the wedding) "I know uncle, but I dont know exactly how to tell it" is the safest, most innocent-looking and honest-but-not-rude answer.

*****

Sanskrit was my first language in high school and college. I understand it quite decently. But, I have no idea what all things I have promised to the poojari during the marriage ceremony. Just like knowing english does not ensure full understanding of what you have agreed upon while signing up your home loan papers. You just have to do it blindly. And trust your lucky stars!

Bells They Are A Ringin'

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 07:06:00 +0000

Pauline Thomason once said "Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener". But, even the pre-marriage phase also can open your eyes to so many things. And if you are as general-knowledge-deficient as me, every moment is a new discovery. If you have a sense of humor, each discovery can be complete fun.

***

Just before the saree shopping, mom asked about my fiancee - "AvLu work sarees wear maadthaLa?"
I understood it as "work 'ge' sarees" and told - "No mom, she generally wears jeans or salwars to work"
Mom was least surprised by the all too familiar stupidity of her son and said - "Work sarees do not mean the sarees which you wear to work. It means sarees that involve lot of handiwork like embroidery, mirror work etc."

***

Shopping for sarees will introduce you to so many new things - crape silk, tusser silk, raw silk, butta, mango border, peacock border, temple border, self, contrast, double color - the sheer magnitude of terminologies can cause a data overflow error! The shopkeeper comes up with different adjectives for even the most pathetic sarees, a skill that can put HRs to shame. Self border rich pallu, contrast saree grand look, big border traditional wear, lateshht dejign fancy saree - believe me, getting this knowledge imparted can be a very humbling experience.

***

The interesting thing is that while most saree shop keepers are such great ego boosters, the shopkeepers of men's dresses are in complete contrast (Yes, its a contrast, not a self :D)
You go to buy a formal shirt and the one Hritik is wearing in the ad looks very good. You ask the shopkeeper if he has the same piece and try it on. It looks quite ridiculous on you. You ask the shopkeeper if its a different shade or something. The shopkeeper would say its the exact same piece with a big "Thats Hritik, this is you" smile.

You look at some other trousers and ask your fiancee - "Will this look good on me?" and the enthusiastic shopkeeper jumps in the middle - "Sir, you go for that one - that one would look good on you. Since you are not tall sir, this will not suit you..."

You go for the suit trial and ask the tailor - "Is this okay? Or has this become a little big?", the tailor who has no idea of your beaten-up morale tells "This is perfect saar. Since you dont have broad shoulders, it looks like a little big thats all. Otherwise its just perfect"

Thats when I realized why men and women differ so much in their shopping frequencies. Women go to shopping to boost their egos. Men avoid it to protect their already low self-esteem from hitting rock bottom.

***

The other thing that strikes you at this stage is the importance of gold in human lives. Mythologies are full of gold related stories. "Hiranya garbha" or the golden womb from which the universe is formed, bears an uncanny resemblance to the big bang theory. Hiranyakashyapu and Hiranyaksha were the earliest of demons - kind of Bhimas and Chemmanurs of demonosphere. The earliest known story about gold was from Ramayana. One idyllic afternoon, Sita spotted a golden colored deer in the forest and suddenly realized that she had not shopped for gold from the last 10 days or so. When Rama was back from his jungle jogging, Sita looked at Ram in a way that makes men ask "What do you want honey?". Sita in a very husky voice said - "I want gold dear". Rama, who had studied mostly in bhojpuri medium schools understood it as "I want gold deer" and killed the golden deer Mareecha. This enraged Ravana, who then decided to kidnap Sita. The rest, as they say, is mythology.

The anthropologists also believe that the discovery of gold changed the equations in human society. In the very early hunter-gatherer societies, the persons who were strong, who could fight with animals, who could run for miles were considered to be very useful in the tribe. So the strong, big, fat, stout, sturdy people were well respected. The big, strong, sturdy guys got all the great girls (which means big, strong, sturdy girls) in the tribe. The thin, slim, sleek, delicate types were constantly ridiculed and were subjected to social bullying all the time. "Thin is in" is believed by many anthropologists to be the first ever hate slogan - to force the thin, slim types not to come out of caves. Within a few hundred years, gold was discovered and the big, strong, sturdy guys started losing out to the thin, slim guys who had found gold. But, this created a peculiar situation. The gold discovered was still not enough for the big, well built girls of the tribe. Jean Pierre, the first known statistician cum fashionista discovered that the thinner the girls are, the lesser the gold required and he manipulated the century-old hate slogan "Thin is in" into a very popular fashion statement. Humans, even today, have not discovered enough gold that meets the demand - and the fashionistas have maintained the balance with the still popular "Thin is in"!

***

Marriage is not without its share of compromises. If you take my example, I always wanted to marry on a wednesday in some city far far away from Bangalore. Sounds weird? There is an interesting logic to that. If you are marrying on a wednesday outside Bangalore, only those people who are very close to you will attend your wedding - applying leave and taking the trouble of traveling to a different city. Its a very effective method of avoiding unwanted acquaintances who might attend your wedding for the only reason that its anyway a holiday and the choultry is very near to their homes! But, I have compromised - for getting married in Bangalore on a sunday. Yes, this sunday! :)

When I Almost Became A Movie Star

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 06:55:00 +0000

It was late night. Surprisingly, the first auto I stopped agreed to come from Rajajinagar to BTM. The driver looked like Vijay of the movie "Duniya". He had long hair, wore a gaudy shirt and sported a 92.7 FM logo on his faded cap. I dont initiate conversations with auto drivers in general. But, when they start an interesting conversation, I know how to keep it going.

He was silent for almost 15 minutes.
"Saar, I will get the gas filled for the auto. Jusht 2 minutes", he said as he took the deviation off the main road. I remembered my dad warning me just an hour back that Bangalore is no longer safe and to be careful while going home.
"It wont take long, right?", I tried not to sound too worried and suspicious.
"Jusht 2 minutes saar. We can join the main road directly from there itself. See, here is my driver identity. I did not get time to stick it on to my seat", he seemed to sense my uneasiness.
"No thats fine, I just meant to ask if it wont take too long. I had to go to office early tomorrow, thats why I asked", I smile sheepishly.
"What are you working as?", he asks while taking a weird U-turn near the petrol bunk that seemed to defy all laws of physics.
"I am a software engineer", I blurt out.
"You also do computer graphics? If you know anybody who can do movie posters, tell me. There is an opening in Gandhinagara (Kannada movie industry) they pay 8000 saar", he tells me as he fills the gas into his auto. "My auto was missing from one month saar. Got it just today"
"Oh, what happened?", I knew I was getting into a long conversation zone. He got off the petrol bunk and joined the main road.
"I am actually Vinod Rajkumar's car driver saar". The way he legitimizes Vinod Raj's surname amuses me. "I had rented the auto to a friend. He owed me lot of money and also escaped with my auto. I spent so much money in finding it. When I found him, his wife begged me not to beat him up. Even Vinod anna and amma (Leelavathi, Vinod Raj's mom - he calls her amma) told me to forgive him and forget about that money. Bere yaar hathra aadroo avnu hinge maadidre majestic li hoge ne"

The way he said "hoge" makes me uncomfortable. [For those who are not familiar with Kannada or this slang, "hoge" means smoke - which is symbolic of post death ritual. The sheer audacity and casual carelessness towards death gives "hoge" that chilling effect]

"Vinod anna said that shooting will start next month, and I have to help them in farming also. Amma cooks nice food to us all the time. Vinod anna lost almost one crore ten lakhs when he made 'Shukra'. Even 'Inthi Ninna Preethiya' did not yield much money. So next month we are starting 'Govindu, Karnataka Nindhu'"
"Did you not enter into the movie industry?", I ask him.
"I have acted in 'Shukra' saar. I was the villain who raped the heroine and killed the inspector. And then Vinod anna comes back and takes revenge. Nowadays, anybody who has made some money in real estate business can cast his son as a hero. After 'Mungaru Male' and 'Duniya' were hits, everyone wants to act as a hero. 'Nanda Nanditha' was good, the girl has acted well, even the hero was okay. 'One Two Three' was nice saar. Full comedy. 'Om shanti Om' was good too, did you watch it?"
"I saw 'Om Shanti Om'. You watch lot of movies, is it?
"Tamil, telugu, hindi - we watch all and remake them into Kannada. Who writes original stories in Kannada today saar? And did you know, even the hindi people copy from english movies?"

As we were still half way to BTM, I decide to ask him about the actors. Movie trivia flows effortlessly as he speaks.
"Ganesh, saar, has same type of dialogues and mannerisms in all movies, he will fade away. And he will be replaced by 'Nanda Nanditha' hero. As far as I have heard, Shivrajkumar is the most decent in his family. Puneet earns one and half crores per film saar, but no commissions, no rollcall. Nenapirali Prem, 'Sainika' hero, 'Shishya' hero - they are all big rowdies saar. Darshan is good, he has struggled a lot to reach where he is today. He used to do up-and-down from Mysore in lorries so that he can save 20 rupees. My friend who is a lorry cleaner has told me this. But, Darshan is not proud, very down to earth. And Vishnuvardhan - he is almost God saar. His heart is purer than Rajkumar's. He has got homes built for all the people working for him, and he treats all the people - from his car driver to bathroom cleaner - equally".
As I keep wondering if someone needs to be employed full time as a bathroom cleaner, he abruptly stops the auto at a junction near BTM. "If you take a left from here and then first right, the third house is Darshan's"

"Why do Kannada movies get their heroines from Bombay?", I ask him, half expecting to hear stories about Kannada heroines not 'compromising' to 'expose' when a 'role demands'!
"Kannada heroines ge kobbu saar. This 'Cheluvina Chittara' heroine got 25 lakhs for that movie. Before that, she had got only 10000 for 'Shishya'. Now, she is demanding 1.5 crores saar, Narayan has filed a court case also. Kobbu saar, kobbu. But, heroines from Bombay, they are inquisitive about our industry and want to prove something.", he said dashing all my hopes of some juicy gossip.

As he takes the last turn towards my home, he makes me an offer - "People in our industry loot a lot for giving an acting chance. If you want to act, dont go anywhere. Come to our office, give 3 photos of yours, mention my name on the backside. I will get you a chance, no money. I am the one who processes all these things in Vinod anna's office"

As I get down from the auto, I imagine myself in a movie awards function, dedicating my first award to this driver.
When you are not talented enough or ambitious enough, you should at least be brave enough.

I sit here and blog, while I could have been applying make up in the van or watching that driver get beaten up yet again trying to rape Vinod anna's onscreen sister!

PJ Proverbs

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 07:45:00 +0000

Disclaimer: Good understanding of Hindi, English, Kannada is recommended. And absolute tolerance towards non-sense is mandatory.

I was just thinking about how some proverbs have multiple meanings when you interpret it using multiple languages.

There is a proverb in Kannada called "Hani hani kooDidare haLLa" (Same meaning as "little drops of water makes a mighty ocean")
Hani = Drop; haLLa = Water body
Now, "hani" sounds exactly like "honey". "Honey" is a term used to address a very lovable female (or male depending on your gender and orientation!) Now "Honey honey kooDidare" means adding many such lovable females to your list - which means having multiple affairs. "haLLa" can also be interpreted as in "haLLa hidyadu" which means "to be in ruins". So, this proverb also means that multiple affairs are not advisable.

Have you noticed that people from different countries have different body shapes? To be more specific, butt size varies from one race to the other. The asians (excluding the Indians) have the smallest butt sizes - you can almost call them non-existent! Next comes the Indians, followed by the Caucasians. Africans undoubtedly have the biggest butt sizes. There is a beautiful hindi proverb that sums it all up:
"Jaisa des waisa base" ;)

Tagged!

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 07:34:00 +0000

Parijata has tagged me to list five posts of mine with the following subjects:

Family I have rarely written about my family. The only one I could find was the visit to Chamundi hills with my brother.

Friends There are very few posts I have written about my friends too :( Now I feel like I am too self-obsessed than what I originally thought myself to be. The only post I could find was one of the conversations I had with my friend Bata.

Myself My blog is too full of myself, but there are only few posts that I love when I read it again at a later date. My first earthquake was definitely one of them. The history behind my name is another. And how can I forget Crime Diary that made me quite famous :)

My love If "My love" means the usual "My love", I have not blogged about that ;) But, let me interpret this in a generic way as something I love - and yes, you guessed it right, it has to be movies! I like India's contribution to world cinema and of course my blog post on Woody Allen (no, I tell it for one last time - he is not my alter ego ;)) I thought Jodha Akbar was quite funny too.

Anything I like For some reason, I like this attempt at story writing.

Now I tag Bikerdude, Madhuri, Soumia, Venu, Krupa.

Jodha Akbar

noreply@blogger.com (Bit Hawk) — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 06:17:00 +0000

Most of the people unnecessarily hype up Akbar's religious tolerance. Not that he was not a religiously tolerant man, but what annoys me is that his other great qualities are completely overlooked in this frenzy. Akbar was not only one of the earliest kings who started the trend of inter-religious marriages, but also perhaps the first king to prove that inter-lingual marriages can work.

Who was 'that' wife, you might be wondering right? Its the same Jodha, the rajput princess! "What? we saw the movie and both of them seemed to speak Hindi and as far as we remember we did not see any subtitles when either of them spoke. Are you sure?" If these are the questions you are having, step back for a minute and observe what you had overlooked. Jodha spoke 'shuddh hindi' with an overdose of sanskrit, a language that would have become extinct, if not for those uninhabitable suburbs of Barjatya's Sundarnagar. Akbar spoke his hindi with heavy influences of urdu, arabic and persian. To call both of them as the same language is as ignorant as calling all the people living down south as 'madrasis', just because their languages 'sound' very similar.

A typical conversation between Jodhaa and Akbar generally went like this:
Akbar: "Mashallah, kya khoobi, kitna noor hai aapke soorat mein"
Jodha: "Hey Bhagwan, aap bhi toh itne sundar aur prakashmaan hai, mukh thoda lamba hai, paranthu kya thejaswi dikthe hain aap"
Akbar: "Hum aap se nikaah karne ki khwahish rakthe hain. Aap ki intezaar-e-raazi mein bechain hai hum"
Jodha: "Mai bhi aap se vivaah karne ke liye uthsuk hoon, paranthoo...ek vichaar hai jo aapko krodhith banaa saktha hain, paranthoo..."
Akbar: "Lekin? Be-shakkh aap uska zikr kar sakthe hain. Aap sirf mallika-e-hindustan hee nahin aap hamari kaabil-e-maaf-o-ghussa bhi hain..."
Jodha: "Mujhe Bhaarath ki raani hone ki aasha toh hain, par main Kishan bhagwan ki bhakth hoon aur..."
Akbar: "Bismillah, hum prasann huye...uff, oh no, hum khush huye...khuda ki jo bhi kadr karthe hai woh hameh pasand hai, chaahe naam jo bhi ho..."
Jodha: "Paranthoo...hamari saas, I mean aapki ammi jaan ko dukkh ho saktha hai na?"
Akbar: "Naheen, ammi jaan jaanthi hain ki mazhab mazhab hai. Fateh fateh hai. Pyaar pyaar hai. Aur war war hai"
Jodha: "Hum bhi isme vishwas rakthe hain. Ki dharm aur prem ka aakraman ya yuddh ke saath koyi sambandh nahin hona chahiye"
Akbar: "Subhanalllah. Yaa parwardegaar. Yaa Khwaja. Hum elaan-e-muhabbat karthe hain. Jab Jodha Akbar hai raazi toh kya karega Baazi" (both smile at the then futuristic joke on Ashutosh)
Jodha: "Hum bhi aap se bahut prem karthe hain, haay bhagwaan" (gets shy for a moment, forgetting that she is a rajput)
Akbar: "Yeh daastaan-e-ishq-o-muhabbat duniya yaad rakhegi"
Jodha: "Jab tak rahega Taare Zameen Par, tab tak rahega Jodha Akbar" (gives the expression of wow-did-not-realize-it-rhymes)

Akbar and Jodha showed that language is not a barrier and communication can happen through food, jewelry and not to forget through bodies (now dont get dirty ideas, I was talking about sword flighting! :D)

Today, in a country like India where the number of major languages exceeds the number of religions, anyone who follows Akbar-Jodha's example will have at least a hundred times more prospects at marriage than others. And every time a "Religion no bar, language no bar" in a matrimonial site brings a smile on your face, dont forget to tell "Jodha ki Jai, Akbar Zindaabad"!