Doodles of the Insane

Estranged Emotions..

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Fri, 19 Dec 2025 14:51:00 +0000

Contained in a prison of your thoughts,

these groomed feelings urge your inertia,

wherever you have been sought;

Out, they rebel and shower their rays,

into the darkest and loneliest of your past,

rekindling a desire to rewrite,

what has been destroyed, once!

A forgotten face;

A forsaken place;

An abandoned abode;

An annulled code;

A disregarded relation;

An estranged emotion;

A jar of memories shredded into a million,

for the whims and fancies of a deranged mind.

What peace can you preach

by burning the white flag?

What remorse can you avoid

by blowing off the dandelions?

What nirvana can you by attain

by breaking the heart of a child?

In Search of the Elusive..

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Fri, 22 May 2020 15:27:00 +0000

I see a dream, vibrant

and colourful, unfolding in front,

With vivid wings and pretty plumage

Sitting atop in its camouflage,

in a near perfect rainbowy background.

And I slowly and drowsily sleepwalk

towards my beacon of light.

A light that blinds my eyes shut,

So I could atleast dream in peace.

The sleepwalking has turned

into sleep-running, out of need.

I am so near, yet so far.

Maybe even worlds apart.

“How would they taste?”

I dream within a dream.

The distance doesn’t detest me.

I strive. I thrive.

And finally, I arrive,

in touching distance of my desires.

My arms reach out to embrace it.

And with my first touch,

The blinding light goes off absurdly.

The shut eyes, wide open now

involuntarily but nevertheless

brimming with excitement.

There in, I stand, stranded,

to my dismay, dismantled,

in a momentary lapse of confusion,

and waking up to a reality devoid of fantasy,

and queuing up in the quest
of an yet another elusive dream.

The Humans

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Sun, 12 Apr 2020 09:51:00 +0000

I don’t believe in “Love at first sight” with humans. But its all together a different story with books, for me. Some books, just sit glamorously in their display shelves with their vibrantly bound colors, those eloquently etched titles, those captivating fragrance of the papers and the short and cute previews at their back. And you take them in your arms for it becomes irresistible to walk past it with an indifference. Love at first sight might not be after all a myth with books.

“The Humans” by Matt Haig, the book I had been sleeping with for some days now, could be easily termed as a first sight thing. It had been in my shopping cart for a long time and after waiting a long time for the prices to fluctuate, the order was finally placed and so we gained acquaintance.

The concept is simple but futuristic. It can be grouped under those science fiction types but that is definitely not the author’s strong fort and hence he brilliantly stays away from things where he is not a master at. So where exactly he is a master at? Understanding Humans. The answer might look simple but its profound. Do we understand our species? No. We fail at various levels. Because we are one among them. So he brings an alien from a far far far away galaxy to earth and pictures us through an alien’s eyes, without any prejudice and bigotry.

Thats where the fun lies and also the truth hidden inside the fun factor and how much we had taken granted of our freedom and capabilities and how much we had downplayed our vulnerabilities and insecurities.

This could have been easily assorted in a non fiction book and shelved aside for an eternity. Because I believe most of the world read fiction and non-fictions are generally looked as an outcast.(I am quite the opposite here, as I prefer non-fiction more.) The mastery of the author again outshines here in incorporating a non fiction subject into a fiction book. The story telling isn't that great and can be easily guessed given the amount of alien movies, we have been exposed to from childhood. What stands out is the Revelations about our species, which we have turned a blind eye to, simply because of our mundane living.

I have managed to share some eye-catching quotes from the book. I simply can’t resist sharing these.

“Names are the symptom of a species which values the individual self above the collective good”

looking at a macbook keyboard “..a lot of arrows pointing in every possible direction. It seemed like a metaphor for human existence.”

“maybe that is what beauty was, for humans. Accidents, imperfections placed inside a pretty pattern.”

on tasting a sip of wine “In other words, I tasted life on earth. For everything that lives here ferments, ages, becomes diseased. But as things made their decline from ripeness they could taste wonderful, I realized.”

“I realized that if getting drunk was how people forgot they were mortal, then hangovers were how they remembered.”

“I realized why work was so important on Earth. it stopped you feeling lonely.”

“progress is a very dangerous thing for them…. The humans could not handle progress very well and they were not good at understanding their place in the world”

“ That was part of being human, I discovered. It was about knowing which lies to tell and when to tell them.”

"Love is what the humans are all about but they don't understand it. If they understood it, then it would disappear."

"I have seen the violence and hypocrisy that runs through this species..they can sit and watch dead human bodies on TV screens and feel nothing at all..They pretend to know that money can't buy them happiness, yet they would choose money every time."

"They have lived on this planet for over a hundred generations and yet they still have no idea about who they really are or how they should really live"

"New technology, on Earth, just means something you will laugh at in five years. Value the stuff you won't laugh at in five years.Like love. Or a good poem. Or a song. Or the sky."

This is a book to cherish and laugh out our lungs. But the irony is that we are the joke, we are laughing at!

Inhibition

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Sat, 28 Mar 2020 15:28:00 +0000

What runs in the back of the human mind has always been a mystery. Right now, a hundred thoughts flash through me. But I don’t pen them all down for you to read. I have my own filters and inhibitions, according to the people and the circumstances, I am engrossed in. Inhibition is a complicated process. Why do we feel inhibited and what factors affect our inhibitions? Lets explore the plethora of possibilities, uninhibited.

Inhibition has to be an evolutionary adaptation, we acquired en route to our current confusing stand. Tracing back, the cavemen roamed around freely and naked throughout their lifetime, like animals. Unlike the present day animals, we have changed, in the name of social and cultural conditioning.

When I mean, being naked, it necessarily doesn't mean just the body but also the nakedness of the mind or the soul. The social and cultural conditioning of the body brought us an enormous fashionable array of clothes catering to each an every part of our body. The same conditioning of the mind built imaginary walls, illogical boundaries and classified people on every criteria possible. We were taught to lie, deceive, conceal, suppress, repress, please, mask in order to survive. Because that’s the motto of this game - “the survival of the fittest” - which again, is self proclaimed.

So, we lied to others and ourselves.

We deceived others and felt proud about it.

We suppressed our true feelings and developed psychosis and neurosis.

We pleased others to make them happy and sacrificed our own happiness.

We forgot our own uniqueness and tried to blend in with the society.

We thought it was safe to be with the majority.

We created boundaries inside and outside our minds and restricted ourselves from free flowing.

We built high walls and guarded our secrets safely inside.

We put on a daily mask and lead a pseudo life.

What has all these created in ourselves?

A sense of duality inside us.

We want to do something, but we won’t do it, because of this conflict of duality inside us.

This is where we became experts in masking, hiding and suppressing our true-selves. And sometimes, we were rewarded, for not being ourselves, in an attempt to pacify our own truth. All these cumulatively has lead us to this path, where we feel content with inhibiting our true-self, on the universal path to death.

But how long, can we hold on to this mundane path, is the real awakening question. Definitely, not forever! There starts our epic journey in pursuit of happiness, liberation and other metaphysical stuffs.

The label of happiness leads us to find a person with whom we can shed our inhibitions. That ultimately becomes a tricky job which might or never get fulfilled.

The label of liberation leads us to find means to break down those walls of inhibitions, even forcibly. Alcohol and other substance abuse fit in this perfectly for the lost and confused. Maybe that’s why people get addicted to these, initially. Its not because people are fond of these hard to drink liquors. Maybe its because we are fond of losing inhibitions and live in an unreal fantasized world, as our true-selves.

In short, we are fond of losing reality and constantly seeking means to achieve it. Be it a substance abuse or through a relationship or through solitary confinement/ Meditation/ Nirvana.

Have you wondered, how uninhibited we are all, when we are alone in a room. We sing and dance and behave as we wish, because there’s no need to please or satisfy anyone in there. And we feel happy being genuinely ourselves.

If we carefully observe our pattern of life, we will wonder about how sophisticated we are all in converting simplicity into complexity. Consider, for example, as a baby is born, raw and pure without any concepts or knowledge. We condition and mould the baby’s mind with social and cultural conditioning in the name of “Civilization” and “Raising up” simultaneously building up inhibitions inside. As and when the baby becomes an adult and starts to think on its own, the adult realizes one simple and profound truth - “Everything is fucked up”. Now the adult has to unlearn all the conditions and reach its nascent and unpolluted state, the baby was in, once upon a time, destroying the prejudices and bigotries of the civilized mind.

Learning as a child and unlearning as an adult becomes the part and parcel of our lives.

Why not keep the slate, clean, as such?

Why not simplify rather than complicate life?

Why not be transparent and naked rather than inhibited by yourself?

Why prefer the constant chaotic conflicts of duality when an omnipresent singularity of truth is an easier option?

P.S. Quarantine diaries - Heavily influenced by Osho, Yuval and other craps, I read.

Hey you..

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Thu, 05 Mar 2020 05:02:00 +0000

Hey you,

You the lonely soul wandering

remorselessly in this wretched place, lost..

Do you think, you will last?

Hey you,

You the reason behind

countless smiles in this world..

When was the last time

you carved a smile on you?

Hey you,

You the melancholia masked

perfectly under your serene face,

What do you get for yourself,

by hiding these monsters underneath?

Hey you,

You the one trying to run

away from every shadow,

When do you think you will

reach the end of the world?

Hey you,

You the one dreaming

of a non-existential stable fable,

How do you propose to wake up

from your deep slumber?

Hey you,

You the one trying to fill up

that void deep inside you,

What are you fishing for

in shallow waters?

Hey you,

You the one longing to pour

your love out to someone,

Do you think, you deserve

any love at all in this life?

Hey you,

You the one holding to all your insecurities

so impeccably and impressively

Don’t you think its better

and effortless to be vulnerable?

Hey you,

You the one masterly suppressing

your expression all along your life,

What have you gained so far

out of your inhibitions?

Hey you,

You the one dying of

desperation and depression,

How long can you hold on

to a whispering ray of hope?

Hey you,

You the one throbbing

the threshold of insanity thoroughly,

Don’t you hope,

all these would end immediately?

Hey you,

You the one staring into the mirror

with intense sympathy vehemently,

Don’t you wish the universe

to be more empathetic?

P.S. Inspiration - Pink Floyd - Hey You .. from the album "The Wall"

Desperation

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Fri, 31 Jan 2020 17:14:00 +0000

You have walked too far

to reach here in a delicate spot.

You have waited too long

to pounce at the precise moment.

You believed in a lie

decorated with glistening hope.

You relied on your patience

a bit too much.

But now, the hour glass is empty.

It needs to be reversed down.

The sand and the time

has to flow and pass, again.

Will you still play along

to the tunes and the chorus

of the century old white-beards

and their sweet lies

to make your impasse, gentler?

Your heart is brimming with Love.

Your mind is stuffed with Hope.

Your clothing's beams are stretched,

for it cannot contain the inevitable.

Your head is exploding

at the rate of a nuclear fusion.

Your organs experience

an evolving transient mutation.

Your myopic eyes can't see the dream

you had in your younger mind.

You wage a war between

chance and choice.

You see chaos all around,

inside and outside.

You are losing the light

clearly and hopelessly.

Just when you lose everything,

something shines at the far end.

You get excited over the mere sight.

You feel you have been right,

that your karma had paid off.

A light at the end of the tunnel.

A classical metaphor for Hope.

Patience seems to be a virtue,

you think. But it never was.

It never will be.

Because, there is neither a light,

nor the tunnel.

All you saw was a hole.

A blackhole, ready to engulf you,

all over, yet again.

The Mythology of Hope..

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Wed, 15 Jan 2020 17:53:00 +0000

What do you see?

A fragile silhouette about to collapse.

A distant fury of ruffling feathers.

A frail cry from the deep blues.

A disguised embodiment of bottled emotions.

A slideshow of your favorite disgusting memories.

A disillusioned future soaked in colorless amber.

Do you see anything at all?

Do you see everything?

Try to change your focus.

Maybe you will see what lies beneath,

or at least, that something lurks underneath.

Maybe its dark inside and outside,

that you have chosen to be blind, easily.

Switch on a light. Strike a match.

Do you still see the same?

Do you choose to see the same?

Why choose light,

When you can stay

blind and silent in the dark?

Why prefer hope,

When you can brood and

rest in peace ?

Now, we are on the same page.

You see, what I speak of.

‘Move on’, you say;

But I have already ran away.

‘Things will change’, you preach;

But, how am I to swim and reach?

You say, ‘Repair your gloomy vision.

Fit in your rosy goggles.

Fix a deadline for Hope.

Put on a cheery face to cope.’

So, I hire a mask for rent,

and strike off things from your checklist,

pertinently but impatiently,

counting the hours of every day,

cruising towards the deadline,

to be rewarded for my faith and belief.

But does the race end here?

No! Hope is not the finish line.

I have just been tricked

into a system of belief,

that things will always change,

for the better.

Is Hope, a good thing

or a dangerous thing?

Why should we hope?

What if, all this race, has to offer,

are just leaps and laps of endurance,

without any trophy or glory?

Would you still run for nothing?

Would you still look to the horizon,

every day with glint shining eyes?

What if Hope is a big fat lie,

that simply fools you to

an endless loop of insignificance?

An Year of Self-Love

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Sun, 29 Dec 2019 16:48:00 +0000

Thats how I would describe or disguise this year in a word - Self Love. Looking back, I have definitely had better years before, but not anything in the immediate past, I can think of, even in this decade. A decade that’s been crucial for my growth and maturity, emotionally and psychologically. But it should also be remembered that growth and maturity are synonymous with the losses and damages inflicted upon us by life at various stages. We wish and dream that, life would get better every year. But only the damages and casualties get better and fulfill your wishes, unfortunately but unremarkably! Maybe I am pessimistic, a lot, but nevertheless, optimistic a lot, for the coming decade. It cannot be a slope, forever. Forever is a word, I was fantasizing a lot, at the beginning of this decade. Now at the fag end of the decade, it has beautifully demonstrated to me that its a word to be found in a dreamer’s dictionary alone.

2019 started with a heavy heart and a confused mind and an unpredictable future ahead. Nothing has changed now. Ditto. The heart is heavier. The mind is puzzled. And the future unpredictable as ever. Maybe everything is an illusion. The end and the beginning precisely being the same and you are allowed some meantime to play your game in between. Every game has to be played with a game plan and adhering to rules. But life is a strange game indeed to be played according to rules or with a preset plan. The most important strategy here is learning to adapt to dire situations. Don't worry, life will bless you with every kind of situations. Nobody walks through here, untested.

After grazing through scratches and bruises for a period of six years, I had to resort to some critical decisions to improve my life in which I was drowning. With some vows to break, some promises to condone, some duties to be neglected, some pacts to be annulled, some voices to be unheard, some faces to forget, it certainly was the hardest and painful decision, ever. But I wanted to swim and not drown in despair. So I swam through the five stages of grief, denying it at first, asking questions angrily to myself “why me?”, bargaining for the meaning in the suffering, going through a mild depression (thanks to the earlier year’s acquaintance with the same), and finally accepting it and moving on to the next phase of life.

Its been a long road and I have been discovering several pit stops on the way to renew the enthusiasm and the outlook of life. And suddenly being single again, gives you these enormous wings of liberation, that you can do absolutely anything crazy, like vanishing off the face of earth for ten days. It also makes you realize how you have been holding up your life in vain and wasting your potential in futile limitations. Here’s where the “love for self” takes over and leads you to a horizon of endless opportunities.

I indulged in various coping mechanisms regularly and somewhat consistently, I believe. I started by scouting out like minded friends of various strata and the result was simply spectacular. Although they were very few and meagre, the time spent was kind of “Quality over Quantity”. Being someone who is not much of a fan of small talks and labelled as being “silent”, I didn't have the necessity to prove anyone of how my insides were arranged when I get in contact with a compatible soul. And that mattered a lot, because it was a flow and nothing was forced.Like minded friends lead you to cherish shared interests and to explore new unshared interests too. My primary exploits to look in them were either a writer or a reader albeit some exceptions in few.

Writing and blogging naturally impressed and attracted me. Writing is the most powerful mode of catharsis, I have known, for a wounded heart. And it naturally made me an ally and we conquered our nightmares together and scaled my old blog to new heights. Altogether, I published 35 plus articles this year in 2019, a clear record after its inception back in 2007, when I was jobless. It connected me with many readers and helped in a great way in realizing where my real passion rested upon - the scalpel or the pen? Sometimes it made my conundrum, a worthy debate.

Reading books of various genre, alternating between fiction and non-fiction, I started acquiring a steady supply for my library. Sometimes a book lasted two days, sometimes months held on to my grip. I kept flaunting and changing the books every week to keep the flow. Some people would ask me, “how do you find time to read ?”. I would just smile and leave, answering it to myself that even though I may love the enforced solitude, I do need someone to talk to. So I tasted Shakespeare; Conversed with Nietzsche; fell in love with Jane Austen; and so many great minds of the past and the present. “The Book Thief” by Markus Zusak and “Man’s search for meaning” by Viktor Frankl would be the best I had read in fiction and non-fiction, respectively, this year. Coincidentally, both books centre around the Nazi Germany.

The next best thing that happened to me, this year, was my regained friendship with an old school friend and what followed with it. To my utmost surprise, I started RUNNING on a regular basis. Running is a good solution to run away from your problems. What started as a lazy Sunday morning walk on the beach in July, became a routine for the rest of the year. Walking transformed into running and with the help of fitness apps that connect like minded people, we found ourselves cheering up for each other, every time we put on our running shoes. Fitness as they say is like gravity, all it needs is a little push. And of course a friend to accompany. We both were mutually benefited by the symbiosis. Sunday mornings also satisfied our mutual appetite for our hungry photographic lens and the enormous number of display pictures that resulted in our gallery.

I discovered a new found love for teaching, this year. It basically surfaced from a desire to be of some purpose to the younger minds. Trying to make the boring theory classes interactive by including some non-academic sessions to capture their attention; Putting some effort to impart them the clinical knowledge on busy duty evenings was another initiative; Both came out pretty well, I must admit, from their feedbacks. I strongly believe that we try to emulate our mentors under whom we grew. I was fortunate to have some great mentors and I am trying to give back, in all my earnest, to complete a circle.

Traveling has almost become an integral part of me, through the years. This year saw me covering up the whole southern peninsula with ease. My footprints were etched in Thirupathi (andhra pradesh) in January, allepey (kerala) in February, Dandelli (karnataka) in July, Mumbai (Maharastra) in November and finally Bhubaneswar (odisha) in december. Thats the long story wrapped into a sentence comfortably and conveniently not recording the minor trips to kodaikanal or courtallam. Although my dreams of flying abroad for the first time this year, remained a dream yet again, like the preceding years. Learning to travel alone could open up a plethora of possibilities for dealing life, the way you want to be. That’s one important thing I learnt this year. I read the following lines somewhere and I am living by it.

“Reading teaches you how to tell stories, traveling teaches you what stories to tell.”

The next thing I am proud of having accomplished this year would be my decision and will power to complete the 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat. Living as a recluse, without any contact to the outer world, sans any connectivity, for ten days was almost like disappearing off from the face of earth. But the benefits, undoubtedly unquestionable. It basically puts a full stop to your constantly overthinking mind. It teaches you so many things, mainly from your self realizations and observations. You understand things from a deeper perspective rather than on a superficial intellectual level. Its an experience everyone ought to feel, especially if you’re inclined towards peace and harmony.

I also spent so many hours on Netflix and spotify. You could say addicted. Netflix is one place which lines up movies of art and wonder, according to your preference, which rarely runs in theatres because they aren't made for the mass. Some were amazing Indian movies which raised the standards to world level, but sadly never seen or heard anywhere before, stripping them of their due recognitions. Some Tv series got me hooked into it equally and made me proudly binge watching. Most of my Sundays were lost in my barcalounger in front of Netflix. Spotify did the same in terms of music. Music does add up to your survival kit, in desperate times.

So, I am gonna bring this long writing to an end, emphasizing the same point, I began with. Self Love. After having lost some of my crucial years mending to toxic and narcissistic people, I have finally found a way out or so it seems to be. I have realized that Solitude is essential to understand yourself, at times. I have also realized that I cannot let these coping mechanisms become my comfort zone. And I think I am ready for the next phase. In a nutshell, I cannot describe or disguise this year, any more perfect than this phrase - An year of Self Love.

Self Love is the mantra.

Self Love is not Selfish.

Heal Thy self.

Healthy self.

Happy New year 2020!

May your deepest wishes and fantasies come true this year!

Man's search for Meaning

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Tue, 10 Dec 2019 17:26:00 +0000

The idea is to buy the books at large and stock them or hoard them, whatever or however you wish to call the process. Because, I firmly believe that there will be a time for everything. The universe shall keep sending you signals throughout. Its up to us to receive them and decipher them and make proper use of them.

Here’s a book, I bought back in 2011, when my habit was to buy books with catchy titles rather than the review and research process which I have embodied into me, at least in some occasions now.

Man’s search for meaning.

Anyone who is inclined into a bit of philosophy in his/her troubled transitional teenage, would definitely find it extremely difficult to walk across this book, without adding it to the cart. So that’s how I got acquainted with Dr. Viktor E. Frankl, the author of this inspirational book.

But reading it completely, especially a non-fiction, is a different ball game, altogether. Your curiosity alone wouldn't be sufficient to finish reading some books. It also would necessitate you to be on the same page, metaphorically. You should have at least started to taste some harsh realities of life, mandatorily. You should have started to spell the word, “suffering”, again metaphorically. Only these can act as an impetus to keep moving the pages, because at some point, you integrate yourself into the book and relate to the author’s painful experiences and you start to hope for a horizon at the end.

I presume, at some point of life, everyone would be faced with this quintessential question,

“what is the meaning of life?”

So we try to seek this elusive answer through various modes and routes. Some refer to the historical pages. Some read into the best philosophical minds. Some prefer the religious path while others turn spiritually. Some hunt for the same answers, in a ‘spirit’ual way, literally! While the rest end the discussion, meaningfully, saying, “life is after all, meaningless”.

“….no instinct tells him what he has to do, and no tradition tells him, what he ought to do; sometimes he does not even know, what he wishes to do. Instead he wishes to do what other people do (conformism) or he does what other people wish him to do (totalitarianism).

….now we can understand Schopenhauer when he said that mankind was apparently doomed to vacillate eternally between the two extremes of distress and boredom….”

How do you convince yourself to live through a reign of terror in the nazi concentration camps, where absolutely everything is stripped off from you and you and your glorious legacy is reduced into just a number.

How do you make up your mind to wake up everyday, when you know the truth that most of your friends or inmates won’t survive to see the night.

How do you even formulate an idea of living, when you have no idea about the whereabouts of your loved ones, your wife, your children, your parents or even if they are alive or not.

Faced with an inevitable struggle for life’s basic requirements - food, clothing, shelter - the author reflects upon some of the simple but powerful coping mechanisms in times of suffering and also sculpts a path to find a meaning in life amidst the constant suffering.

Filled with moving and heart wrenching experiences and instances inside a concentration camp, this book has so many “stare into the ceiling/wall” moments to transfix your gaze into an illusion.

This is one of the best book, one can get in their hands in times of despair and darkness.

This is a powerful book about Hope, in the time of holocaust.

This is a log of wood, you can cling on to, in a sea of suffering.

This is a helping hand, you need to clasp on to, to prevent yourself drowning in your own misery.

I will end with Nietzsche’s quote which resonates throughout the book,

“he, who has a why to live can bear with almost any how”.

Layers

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Sat, 26 Oct 2019 18:43:00 +0000

What are we?

We raise tombs, inside us.

We close gates, across us.

We build walls, around us.

We don’t open up ourselves to everyone.

We sense and safeguard our something.

Something could be anything.

A cherished memory.

A painful scar.

A past trauma.

A missing soul.

An insatiable desire.

An unreachable dream.

We let a selected few

inside our inner sanctum,

hoping they would find a way.

So, we don’t scream,

as we are being stripped

layer by layer, by them,

of our insecurities and confusions,

of our hopes and fears.

As we let the one

peel our skin and fascia, alive,

to gain access into our naked core,

We do muffle into our whispers,

to let them continue,

to see if they have got

the courage to handle us.

Building mazes within ourselves,

we hope that our loved ones,

will be lost inside us forever.

Caught in between white and black,

We realize that we are neither and

We fear to show our true colour.

Gray is what we are coded with.

But are we bold enough to bloom

or are we coward enough to camouflage?

Concealing parts of ourselves to some,

conveniently and

Revealing the utmost parts to some,

recklessly and

Confusing the people around us

and ourselves,

What are we?

Are we all just onions with endless layers

that can only bring tears?

Are we all a complicated puzzle,

never meant to be solved?

Are we all a maze of walls,

never meant to be discovered, a way out?

Maybe we are all just a perplexing

plethora of exposed emotions,

desperately unwilling to be judged,

so that we could blow out all our walls,

and peel out all our pseudo layers,
and stand there pure and naked.

Marooned with my Mind..

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Tue, 15 Oct 2019 16:27:00 +0000

Six months back, I found my life spiraling back into yet another black hole and so I was lost in a limbo. I tried to regain myself with various modalities of rejuvenation. I researched about the different types of meditation techniques available and came upon this name called “Vipassana”. It rang a bell somewhere in the corner of my mind. As I traced the origin of the sounds, I realized that one of my favorite author Yuval Noah Harari (author of sapiens) had recommended the same in his recent book, “21 Lessons for the 21st century” and found it a life changing experience. So I dug more into this ancient technique called “Vipassana Meditation”, said to be discovered by Buddha and transmitted across centuries by a line of dedicated teachers. Vipassana literally means awareness of sensations. The main things that attracted me to this meditation was that it was non-religious(open to all religion) and non-commercial(completely free).But the rules of the course were scary. It was ten days long and a vow of absolute noble silence to be maintained. No contacts to the outside world. No mobiles. No reading books. No writing. No music. No talking to anybody except the course teachers for enquiring any doubt. The schedule looked even more scarier with a minimum of ten hours of meditation daily ranging from 4:30 AM to 9:00 PM, taking the total count to a 100 hours in 10 days. I backed off, with serious self-doubts and ran along with my boring life, as usual. But then, it again resurfaced through a strange sign from the universe, in the form of an old friend. So I revised my thought process and after a tremendous struggle from my insides, I enrolled for the ten day course. A decision was made with fear, apprehension, doubts, curiosity and a tinge of optimism.

The following are my vivid imaginations laced with reality and a lot of abstract conversations, in desperate times to keep up my dying spirit . They are strictly meant to laugh out your guts and not to criticize the meditation techniques.

Driving to the centre

Me: Do you know where we are going?

My Mind: Well. You have packed up pretty much for two weeks. You have applied a long leave. And I see mountains. So I guess, we are going for a long vacation. Am I right?

Me: Absolutely. This long vacation is exclusively for you!

My Mind: Oh really? WOW.. But why have we stopped here? The board reads “Meditation centre”.. Wait.. OMG.. You have tricked me to believe this.. No.. Help.. Help..(sobs)

Me: How many times have I told you to be obedient, not to overthink, to not think about the past or the future? Have you ever obeyed these commands? always brooding over unnecessary stuffs and letting life pass by, by not staying in the present! you need some treatment.. you need some exorcism.. that’s why we are here..(evil grin)

My mind: (with puppy eyes) I swear I will be a good and an obedient boy from now on.. Just turn the car around and lets go somewhere to the mountains and relax there.. pleaseeeee..

Me: Not gonna work this time..This is your salvation and my liberation.

Day 0 - Signing Up

Registration and deposition of mobiles, other valuables were done. Rooms were allotted on twin sharing basis. Evening snacks and tea were given at 5 pm. And we were discussing about the tasty food and at what time would the dinner be served. Thats when some bad news came in. “There would be no dinner for ten days!”

My Mind: Whattttttt? No dinner? I didn't sign up for this! You traitor! What were you even thinking? Did you even read the terms and conditions agreement? *#@$*&%

Me: Ummmmm.. cool down. Let me think. I thought I did read it well. There was breakfast, lunch and tea break, definitely. So I assumed there would be dinner too. My mistake. (Sighs)

My Mind: Assumed? You made this decision on assumption? GREAT! Hey, Stomach.. Did you just hear what’s going on here? He’s trying to get us both killed! We are done with this fellow. Lets revolt!

Stomach: (Joins the party) Whats up with you guys? Did you people sign up for a meditation program or a dieting program? I can’t live on half rations for ten days. I am quitting right away! Hey mind, lead the way.. Right after you!!

The course staffs gave us a brief introduction about the course and the rules and moral codes to be followed. The concept of noble silence was explained and soon after that she said that your vow of noble silence starts now!

Me:(to my mind) What? Now? Immediately? I didn't even get to know the name of the only cute lady in this batch!

My Mind: (in mocking tone) As though, if you had time, you would have gone and talked to her! I know all about you. Shut up your silly cries!

Day 1 - Observing the breath

The course teacher explains how observing your natural breath will help in focusing the mind to be in present.

Me: Your job for today is very simple. You just have to observe the breath. That’s all. Nothing doing. Fine? I told you, this would be easy and a piece of cake for us.

My Mind: Why do I have to observe the breath? Its such a menial and trivial job, not suited to my capability. Besides, I have so many tasks to be done like reliving your past memories and make you feel guilty about it; worrying about your future and make you feel anxious about it; Overthinking about stuffs that would never materialize; See, my plates are already full. I can’t do it!

Me: That’s exactly Why you are here!

My Mind:(with a grim face) I, so, want you to have Ondine’s curse!

Day 3 - Observing the pain

Sitting cross legged in the floor without any back support for 12 hours a day was starting to show up severe back pain.

My Mind: Hey. I have a doubt. why did you choose this course, seriously?

Me: Well, you know, I was in a lot of emotional pain and stress.

My Mind: okay and now?

Me: I am in a lot of physical pain as well.

My Mind:(Sarcastically) Very well. Nice way to balance things up. Good work.

Me: (Raised eyebrows) Thats enough!

Day 4 - Observing the sensations

The course teacher explains about how to keep the mind sharp by observing different sensations in the body from head to toe.

Me: Do you observe any sensations?

My Mind: Yes. I am trying to. Keep quiet. I am working.

Me: Oh. Nice. You seem to be improving. What did you observe?

My Mind: The cute lady, you were glancing at, has a cute star shaped tattoos on her back.

Me: (Face palm!) shut the eyes and observe the sensations in the body, you sicko! Don’t get us kicked out of the course! I know that’s your evil plan!

Day 5 - Boredom catches up

As the days reach the half life of the course, the boredom gradually catches up. The mind starts to play its game of confusion, doubting the decision.

Me: Did we really take a good decision in coming here?

My Mind: How dare you say “we”? It was all your decision and now you want to include me in this blame game! Even now time is still there. We can run away to our home, anytime we want. Come on, be positive. Look at all the fun, you can have. We could roll in our cozy bed and wake up late; we could do anything we want to; Absolutely no restrictions; We could binge watch TV series on Netflix; We could scroll endlessly the Facebook and Instagram pages; We could text our friends and get lost in the conversations; what more do you need for a peaceful living?

Me: Hmmm. Do you think so? Should we?

My mind: YES! YES! YES!

Me: What excuse could we give to the teacher?

My Mind: We would mimic severe abdominal pain and self diagnose ourselves as Acute Appendicitis. It won’t seem so lame.

Me: Hmmm. Lets try one more day. okay?

My Mind:(irritated) Don’t ever ask me suggestions again and waste my time!

Noble silence

Prohibited to talk, smile, gesture to fellow meditators, we almost were roaming like zombies and we ate vegetarian. What an irony!

We worked strictly according to the bell, that rang at correct timings, testing the buried pavlov’s dog inside us.

There was a boy with the tight shirt, who was sitting in the row before me, in the meditation hall. The shirt being tight would seem a little harsh on the shirt. Every time, he would sit cross legged on the floor, the shirt would pop up exposing his natal cleft. In normal conditions, one would tell him to cover it up. But then this noble silence had to be practiced strictly. So the guy sitting just behind him would immediately close his eyes even before the meditation session would begin. Such a pity. And on another day, an old man came up with his zippers down. I had to be the victim of that incident and I started meditating even outside the hall, closing my eyes, instantaneously. Such was the power of noble silence!

Day 7 - Counting down the days

Me: Before joining here, I just wanted liberation from the bondages and shackles of daily life.

My Mind: Now?

Me: I just want to be liberated from this (Mind) concentration camp.

The days got harder and the hours grew longer. The mind was tired and bored of doing nothing except sitting in a place and observing sensations. What would you do when the course on how to end your misery becomes a misery! Thats when the unlikely savior arose from an unlikely place. My mind. The mind which I tried to exorcise, tried to save me back by creating numerous meme templates, making funny and lame jokes, carving sarcastic and satirical lines and whatever sustainable means to survive. Suddenly the scenario looked like the one in the movie “Life is Beautiful”, where the hero makes even the horrible living conditions in a Nazi concentration camp, so pleasant with dramas all around to save his child from knowing the truth. I was the child, waiting for the TANK( NIRVANA) as the bumper prize to be received at the end of my ten days. My mind was the Hero. The unlikely one.

My Mind: Are you not entertained?

Day 10 - Noble silence ends

After going through some sheer will power and determination to complete the course, I completed one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do. A ten day exile of total isolation and absolute silence and some hard mind work. But I would say, it has its proven benefits. It can only be experienced by personal observation.

So, the noble silence vow was ended and we finally got to know the survivors of the course. 6 people left the course in midway. I was shocked to know that some of the people had come to the course for 5th or 6th time. Such was the impact on them, that they repeatedly came at least once in a year.

Me: (talking to 5th time participant) So how was your experience?

My Mind: Shhhhh.. Stop talking to him. He will poison your mind to come back. Run you fool.

Stomach: Yessssss.. make him stop..I can’t starve anymore in this life!

Day 11 - on the way out

Me: I feel some strange inner peace. How about we come here once in a year?

My Mind: Seriously? You want more? Just shut up and drive to the mountains, as you promised me!

Stomach: I don’t trust you guys anymore! Just drop me somewhere in a restaurant and get lost, you two!

LINKS - Click to know more about Vipassana meditation.

Reflections

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Thu, 12 Sep 2019 16:34:00 +0000

As you are sitting by the window seat,

a continuous gush of air rush through,

you try to open your eyes against it,

but you are blinded by the wind.

Streaks of visions of a passing tree,

an abandoned ruin, an ever flowing blue river,

the green farms, the omnipresent reddish sun,

flash across your retina.

Tired of reflecting everything outside,

you try to change your focus onto something closer.

The glass of the window pane, falls in perfect place,

and resonates and reverberates a beautiful soul.

A soul that is as beautiful as you and your journey.

As you shift gears through the cries and crisis,

you wonder at your resilience and strength.

You update yourself with tips and tricks,

that would feature in Quotes and Bolds,

in your future book titled, “How to survive”.

You are realising the simple truth that Self comes first;

That Self exile and isolation are quintessential

now and then, to preserve your integrity

and to prevent yourself from breaking into pieces.

You find yourself closer to strangers,

who you thought, never existed.

You also find yourself distant from friends,

who you thought, would never leave.

You subconsciously plot a pattern,

that’s recurring, at will and

you try to decipher the code,

the universe is trying to teach you!

To change or not to?

To believe or not to?

To trust or not to?

To Hope or not to?

To Love or not to?

Too many questions!

Too many assumptions!

But no clear tell-tale signs!

A head full of doubts, conundrums

and impossible scenarios.

You Love and Lose.

You Love and Fail.

You Love and get rejected.

But you still end up living,

cumulating your lessons,

safekeeping your scars,

justifying your vulnerabilities,

discovering new coping mechanisms,

doubting your worth,

not knowing where to ground your next foot!

A place somewhere safe, for your sensitive sole (soul).

But it takes a lifetime for you to understand

that “fairytales and forevers” are a fallacy.

Nevertheless, you are never the loser,

for the glass in the window pane

knows you are not broken, unlike it.

Rendezvous

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Sun, 25 Aug 2019 18:38:00 +0000

Rendezvous.

noun

a meeting at an agreed time and place.

How on earth, does this possibility and probability work?

Do the great mathematicians of the past and future have any idea about what I am rambling here?

They say the world is filled with 7 billion people. And each of them meet new people in their lives, everyday. Some come as interesting and intriguing. Some flames die out after a while. Some merely make it into the next hour of their memory. Some last a day, a week, a month or an year. But some have this unique identity and a peculiar intimacy, that can persist and etch an imprint on their memory for a lifetime or even beyond into the after-life. (if at all, something like that exists)

So what were the possibilities that these two ran into each other on that day, that transformed their lives forever?

It was a dull, monotonous day for him. There was nothing exciting happening around him, either in the work or in his life. The same usual paperworks and files in his desk, mounting to an everest high, slowly but steadily, submerging him under an avalanche of boredom and apathy. The same familiar people around his life, gradually depressing him to an impasse and equally competing with his professional misery with a relentless downpour of emotions and suppressions. Coffee by the day and wine by the night, he survived. But he intended to live and love. He needed some fresh air and some new people.

He looked at the clock on the wall. The day had just begun. It was an 8 hour shift for him, 6 days a week. He had just survived the one hour mark of a brand new week.

“ Is it too early for a coffee?”, he enquired his nearest colleague.

There was no reply. Just a scornful look, peeped out of the opposing desktop screen.

“Alright, lets invent something more meaningful. What could be more essential than a coffee? Yes, I know the answer. Its so obvious! Restroom!”, he practiced his self conversation skills, efficiently.

He stood up and walked out of the hall, crossing all the curious faces, questioning his early awkward movements, safely in their minds.

Round across the corner of the exit, he walked and almost stumbled into someone. The corner had blinded his field of vision, conveniently. It was her. Their eyes met in a close range and now it was almost a point of no return. Neither of them wanted to return, anyway. Even if they wanted to, where would they? The past was a locked treasure chest, they agreed upon, not to reopen those doors. The future was an enigmatic promise, they agreed upon, not to wander over there. The present was empty without obligations and compulsions. So they had to choose the present and they did, pleasantly with a smile and a doubt.

The smile was such a genuine one. Not the ones, people throw as alms to the strangers passing by, with their masks on. This one tore up their masks into pieces such that it could never be reused again. How could some people have such a tremendous impact on others? Just a few seconds ago, he was rushing to the restroom to escape the mundanity of his life. And here he is, clueless to what’s happening to his insides and how his facial muscles are in rebellion against his nervous system.

“This must be some kind of magic”, he thought to himself. That thought also pulled him back to the reality and the fact that they haven’t yet greeted yet. But their’s was not a relationship built entirely on greetings and formalities. So they kept gazing into each other for more meaningful moments of silence, without a single spoken word. And strangely, it never looked awkward for both of them. Everything was so natural and in perfect equilibrium, until the exchange of words, which had to happen, eventually.

The hands spoke first with a matching wave and the voices followed thereafter with some incomprehensible vocabulary. The long moments of silence had parched their throats, dry and the confused centers of speech weren't exactly helping them either.

“how are you?”, she blurted out finally.

“I was pretty bored that I had to fake going to the restroom, not to relieve myself but relieve me off the boredom, basically. But that was a minute ago, not anymore”, he grinned with a silly face.

“No. How are you? I mean, how have you been?”, she reiterated with an intense stare into his soul.

“Oh. I think I am fine. But, hmmmm, I don’t really think so.”, he replied with an uncertainty.

“Okay. But, how are you, now, at this moment?”, she asked again.

“I don’t think, I need to answer that. You can visibly gauge me, right?”, he responded with a bright smile.

“Oh yes. I can see everything, right from the debris clinging on to your incisors, to your warm heart clinging on to the yesteryear’s memories”

His heart raced its pumping rate suddenly and the blue was changing gears to the red. He searched for the debris, that embarrassed him, with his tongue and let it pass into him, as simultaneously his mind was searching for a keyword to keep the conversation flowing.

“Memories huh? I finally learnt to make peace with them in a positive way and here you are, with a mission to revoke them, just in time.”

“aren’t we all just in time for a purpose, greater than our’s, that’s been covered up from our selfish eyes?”

“There’s a word for it. Rendezvous. We didn't agree to meet here in this corner of this universe, at this crazy time. Whoever runs this game from above, did it perfectly, I guess.”

“I guess too. Sometimes I wonder about all the people who were meant for each other but never met again for the second time. Maybe the cosmos didn't conspire enough for them sufficiently.”

“You know, what’s more crueler than that? People who knew they were meant for each other and met again for the second and third time and still refused to accept the simple fact that only a key could open a specific lock.”

“Do you want to re-open the doors?”, she asked, dangling her keys, she had picked in time, from her pockets, clumsily.

“Who wouldn't desire some fresh air?”, he replied with a question and a deep sigh to let out the air, that’s a minute old and perhaps symbolizing his intent, clearly.

“Are we lost? I have a feeling, we are drifting away with every wave of our words.”

“I think, we are re-discovering our ruins and being lost is the best way to be found. So, what if we are drifting away? I have learnt that this earth is perfectly round in shape and that means, we are bound to bump into each other anyway.”

“aah, you and your philosophical answers! Are you sure, this is not a parallel universe or some dream inside a dream sorts?”

“Yeah, I have my doubts too. This is so surreal and everything we do is so effortless, just like our first meeting!”

“aren’t we losing track of time?”

“I think, time stopped existing the moment we ran into each other”

“Oh God! Why are we so silly and poetic, every time we do this?”

“maybe because that’s what we are meant to be..”

“I wish we could run into each other and be silly more often ”

“You know what’s more exciting about this?

This wasn’t our rendezvous. This was the universe’s.”

They both walked away from each other after some more silly lines, as a curve decorated their lips for the rest of the day just as they decorated their lives for the rest of their times.

Tales of Revival

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Wed, 24 Jul 2019 20:31:00 +0000

He walked in like a king, as though he had nothing to lose. The mask of cheerfulness was ever present, like pinned to his face. God must have been pretty much tired, trying to peel that mask away from him. But he persisted and survived. “Survived” would be an underrated terminology to be used in his life, perhaps. Because, he didn't just survive, he is living it with zest.

Its been a long time, now. It should be at least a minimum of two years. The last time I saw him, he was finding it hard to stand on his own legs, literally. Now, he is walking and he hasn't stopped. He hasn't given up. He has held on to hope and faith in himself, probably. Meeting some people from the past can be such a refreshing thing, when you are stuck with a pseudo label of trauma.

So, this person must be a 40 year old male, who used to visit our surgery out patient department, in Thoothukudi Government Medical College Hospital. He was a type II diabetic and his foot ulcer never healed, thanks to his uncontrolled blood sugar levels. He would get admitted for few weeks, would get better and get discharged. This was a vicious cycle. The neuropathy had set in and the micro-angiopathy wasn't helping either. The admission became more frequent.

One thing about him was, he was a very cheerful person and he would greet us with joy and enthusiasm on our daily ward rounds. He was accompanied by his wife, who took excellent care of him. Both of them would thank us with extreme gratitude, while getting discharged. He was self employed with a job of applying polish to cars and motorbikes. Every time, he went home, he would be like so confident of improving his business with a readymade cheerful face. Once while coming for a review in the outpatient department, he even circulated his visiting cards to us and asked for our support. We were congratulating him on his development. We were happy for him and his family. I think he had two children.

Then again after a few months, he was admitted, this time with a more serious infection of the foot. We tried to salvage the limb by multiple debridements, almost on alternative days. It was agony for him and his family. We saw his face, depressed for the first time. He was evidently worried about the future and his life. Being the only earning member of the family and hospitalized repeatedly for this ailment, it definitely wasn't helping his family and the finances. And the disease progressed and it won the prize. The prize was his limb. We had to amputate the limb to save his life. This was agony to us. Explaining the process to a very good patient, who probably was unlucky with his genetics. He didn't have any habits to justify his disease or his karma. There are something which doctors hate and don't like to be involved in it. Things like saying to an young patient that” you have an advanced cancer in your body and the prognosis is dismal” , “ we need to amputate your limb, to save your life; even then, anything can happen” , “Nothing can be done at this stage”. And breaking the bad news of death should be the most challenging part in the emotional development of any doctor. A doctor needs to be very empathetic for this and being empathetic can hurt or kill us inside, if we don't adapt to this sensitive profession.

So we explained the butcher job of chopping his leg off, so that he could continue this “awesome” life in this world and be with his family. We felt sorry for his limb, his wife, his children. We felt bad for him, like why should all the bad things happen to good people! We saw him sinking into his well of depression. There’s this moment in every amputee’s life, when they are being stretchered off into the operating theatre, he would look at his rotten and gangrenous leg and feel it for the last time about the first step he ever took in this world. We have seen patients going emotional before and after the surgery. How a part of them would never be there, forever. If you carefully look into the eyes of the patient, they will tell you a thousand tales of sorrow, despair, dependency, frustration and fears.

There was this brief period in my life (during my surgery residency) when I was bed ridden for a few months because of a freak femur fracture. Suddenly it was like everything was lost. My ability to walk, to shit or sit independently, to be on my own, to hope, to look into the future; Everything was displaced with dark, unwanted thoughts and fears. I remember telling myself and others, I can’t remember how to walk, back then. That’s how our mind fools the body and plays the victim. I kept on asking the orthopedician, when will I be fine and walk on my own without supports (Thanks to the melodrama of non-union and a fear of a repeat surgery). Learning to walk with a walker initially, then changing from two crutches to a single one and then ultimately walking alone independently, although with a limping gait, I learnt so much, not just about re-walking but so much about life and trauma, be it of any sorts, physical, emotional or mental.

That’s the thing about trauma, you are no longer the same person anymore. This was a temporary malfunction. But amputation is a permanent deal. Many succumb to the emotional loss more than the physical one. Depression kills more than the amputation, if we don't deal it properly and professionally. So every time a patient loses his limb, he loses more than that actually. His dreams, joys, aspirations, family’s security , everything is chopped off too along with the gangrene. He becomes a liability. His dependency on his family members unravels a storm in his mind. And the storm can potentially destroy his family. He needs a lot of assurances and reassurances. Its no way an easy job to climb from this deep tunnel to see the day light.

And when you see someone arise from that abyss like a phoenix, all your misconceptions about fate and destiny gets entangled in a messy affair. You want to believe in everything thats supposed to be positive. You want to give a chance to everything, however bleak the horizon might look. You want to overlook the “so called” trauma you underwent and stop blaming at everything around you and stop calling yourselves unlucky or unfortunate.

That’s what exactly happened today. I met the amputee patient after almost 2 years in the same outpatient department and he came to me with the same cheerful face and enquired about my welfare. After getting to know about his life, I was without words for a few minutes and I kept avoiding eye contact with him because I didn't know what to say to him. He had his artificial limb fitted and was walking steadily. His wife, who usually accompanies him, was missing. I didn't wanna ask about it. But it showed, how independent he had become despite his loss. He also proudly said to me that he had updated his business online in Just dial and he moves around a perimeter of more than 100 kms ( from tuticorin to nagercoil) and does the same service (car and bike polish) at their doorstep! I had difficulty gauging my feelings at that precise moment. I was a bit confused, whether to feel proud for his huge achievement or to feel bad for his massive loss or to feel incompetent about ourselves comparing with our enormous potentials or to feel content for the part I have played all along in this huge chain of events that has lead him to this.

We shook hands and wished each other good luck and we parted ways.

This cannot be attributed to simple hope or optimism. This is beyond everything. This is an incredible revival.

Reciprocal

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Mon, 22 Jul 2019 17:54:00 +0000

We are all in a race.

Someone is running to you.

Someone, away from you.

And you are doing the same.

Running towards some,

and away from others.

And there is someone

for everyone, in this race.

Everyone is holding something

very near to their hearts.

Maybe that’s why they are running.

To give it to that someone.

To share it with the one.

But that someone is everyone too.

So do their hearts, hold on to.

Everyone is trying to do the same.

Give it to someone else.

Life, after all, maybe

a glorified relay race.

You pass the baton,

someone receives it,

runs away swiftly,

and never looks back at you;

But you are looking all the way,

with your eyes fixed on them,

wondering how they finish.

But someone's eyes have

always been on you,

towards which,

you were blind conveniently!

So, in this race,

do the givers really feel good?

Or the receivers feel bad?

Or is this even just and fair?

What if we could recreate the rules

and reciprocate our love?

What if there’s a race

in which people run towards

each other for a change?

What if the baton is not passed,

instead it is shared unanimously?

What if we could finally

unearth the feeling of mutual,

unconditional and unforced love?

A Naive Fool..

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Mon, 15 Jul 2019 10:57:00 +0000

Dark and fearsome future,

the veil revealed to you, ahead.

Frail and stuttering venture,

into the unknown, to be led.

One step at a time,

you tossed the dime,

wishing for a wormhole,

into an alter-dimension;

But misled into a loophole,

you are at your destiny’s mansion.

You believed with a naivety.

You loved with patience.

You lived on a loop.

You dived with hope.

You let your innocence survive,

But, they thrived on your ignorance.

How can occult optimism

win over persistent pessimism?

Yet, you won with hands down,

because you were a level beyond saving.

And you thought you deserved this life,

you were endowed with.

The vicious cycle of pain and desperation,

leaves you in a bubble of isolation.

Because the wise, once told, metamorphosis,

takes time, patience and sacrifice.

So you believed in their prophecies

and in your idiosyncrasies.

So you crawled upside down

and crept inside your exiled bubble

as the despicable caterpillar,

solacing in solitude for spans,

waiting for the pretty wings to sprout anew,

So they would baptize you a beautiful butterfly.

But, you realize, who you are,

in real, at that point,

after waiting for ages,

A rudimentary worm,

incapable of transformation.

or more precisely,

a naive fool..

The Seeking..

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Thu, 27 Jun 2019 19:00:00 +0000

We are all on an endless stream,

holding on to our rafts,

desperately hoping to end somewhere

or with someone, someday,

in search of a dream..

The perfect dream ,

Where our hopes may cling on to their wings;

Where our pains shall be alleviated for once and all;

Where our paths shall bear purpose and light;

Where our love shall be rewarded for their might;

Where our life shall render meaning to us, at least.

So we strive to swim,

even though we could just float.

So we fly to the horizon,

although we will never be near it.

So we run to the mirage,

trying to fulfill our greed.

Swimming, flying and running,

we arrive,

Somewhere on the edge of the realm,

Where our rafts and the stream

meet the depth of the heart

and the profoundness of the ocean.

Right there,

we complete our jigsaw puzzle.

The seeking for the meaning..

The answers for the awaited..

Why are we so obsessed with depth?

Why do we wanna complete always?

Why can’t we just exist and survive?

What if I tell you,

that this seeking in

itself is a disease of a mind

and an obsession of a kind.

Because we are all moons,

Waxing and Waning

through phases and clouds.

We seek as we wax,

and hide as we wane.

Dear Younger Self,

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Tue, 04 Jun 2019 02:13:00 +0000

"What would you tell your younger self, if you had a chance to? " This is my imaginary letter written to the younger me, by the future me.

Dear younger self,

I seriously hope, you are happy back in time, because there isn’t much scope and hope for happiness, down the road. Hence I would advice you to seize every minuscule opportunity, that comes either your way or those that don’t even show up on your way, to make your future self, reflect upon those moments with reminiscence. Be it a small desire or a mammoth determination for something, that you truly want to be a part of your life. Because, a moment passed in life is a precious water drop lost in the ocean.

There are many things, I am grateful, for standing now in the position, I am currently in. Since this is gonna be a long letter, it would be unfair to just point out the areas that you were weak in. Because you were strong enough in so many things unknowingly. If not for those traits, I would have ended up in a poor and miserable state. Not that I am overtly happy, but still it would have been worser.

I think you were an excellent planner and organizer of things, be it chalking out the plan to cover the academic topics before an exam well in advance or it be preparing an itinerary for a gang trip. You developed your own way of learning. I am so glad, that you put so much self reliance upon yourself at that tender age. You boycotted classes, keeping your firm belief in “classes will dull your bright minds”, but you wanna know the truth, the classes were too early and you were too lazy and the climate was too cozy. And the library looked like a convenient option. That’s how you ended up there and found some treasures for the rest of your life - the art of reading books, people and you also earned your best friend, in those benches.

You were always a hard worker, a bit lazy though. Yes, you were always a box of paradoxes. But truth be told, I regret, missing some important academic classes in college, for they would have further cemented my position, now as a teacher and not a hypocrite.

You were almost a big zero in extra curricular activities from college. You should have played more games physically. I wish you had slightly improved in that field back then, but never mind, I am making up for it now.

But there wasn't really any competition for you in traveling or organizing trips. And I am so glad that I have so much to reflect upon the memories you have enriched me with in various places and with different people, all through out the different phases of life.

I believe you had a perfect balance. You knew when to study and when to sulk and when to enjoy. It was one of your essential qualities that has taken you up here.

You were always blessed with good friends all around, in every stage of your life. It was almost like, they adapted themselves perfectly to your sensitive side. I cannot express, how much a blessing it was and it is still now.

You were always kinda silent to the outer world. But you also had that completely extroverted face, with your comfortable people. I want you to know there’s nothing wrong in being an introvert and you don’t really have to change upon persistent insistence from others to change. You should be what you are comfortable with. It was almost like your sixth sense knew better about your compatibility and whom to contact and whom to avoid, for your growth. I think, you have developed that gift, very well and exquisitely. But at the same time, I also don’t want you to overthink and cause your head to explode. Maybe you should start some mind calming exercises like meditation.

About the talents, I think, you started writing your blog in 2007 and almost nobody knew the existence of it, surrounding your vicinity. Only now, you have had the courage to show them to the public. I want you to know, what others think of your writings is none of your business. Its their opinion, they are entitled to. You always thought that you were a different kind but you were shy and so you chose to hide them beneath your skin. I say, you should be bold enough to proclaim you disobedience to normalcy, whenever required. You were so successful in hiding your talents for almost a decade. I want you to build up your self confidence and break up from your inferiority complex that’s tying you down.

You probably didn't want the people to see through you. But the right people will always see through and seek you, which has to be the ultimate purpose. So I think, there’s no point in building walls around you or wearing a mask, all the time, to conceal your true self. You are only isolating yourself and becoming unreachable by doing so.

Yes, you struggled to understand yourself. You tried to fit under various classifications and chose the zodiac as the best fit. You thought being a capricorn can describe your mood swings, the lonely and persistently feeling of being out of place. So you tried to move in with only the compatible signs. But you know, you won’t know where you will find someone, completely in unlikely places or signs. So, I want you to be open to all. Don’t restrict your possibilities.

And, don’t be desperately waiting for the one. The one will knock your doors or crumble your walls and surprise you, at the most unexpected moment. So don’t keep looking and drown with your expectations. Instead, just keep walking. Everything happens for a reason. There’s a plan and a design to everything, that is invisible to you. You are a part of the plan. You are not the plan.

I think, you were raised traditionally and in a very conservative manner. Its our brought up, that ultimately decides our joyful years of our lives. Ten years have been a very good time to understand and introspect about love. You were so naive and too immature. But I don’t think anything (even reading books) can change our outlook about it. It has to be experienced by planting a seed of love into ours. Nothing can change. Pain, hurt, desperation, loneliness, vulnerability, break-ups, isolation, one sided tales, mutual inevitable feelings all add up to our understanding and realization. So I would actually advise you to go through all the above said periods to liberate yourself and truly seek someone. I want you to fall in love with someone and let love take its natural course. I don't want you to fall for some sentiments, your ancestors cultivated in the minds of their children. Don’t be a sentimental fool, you fool. Be an open rebel against the norm.

To be a rebel, you need to do only one thing. Read more books. You started reading very late in your life. I wish you had started this habit, a lot earlier. So I want you to read profoundly about whatever interests you. And I believe, writing is an extension of reading. So I think, it would just help itself on its own.

This could be the reason, why I consider myself a late bloomer. I finally seem to be getting comfortable with me, quite late though. Nevertheless, I have arrived.

So never doubt your worth or capacity. You will reach where you are meant to, exactly. You just have to start believe in yourself and never stop it.

Don’t ever think that, you are the messiah for all broken people. Don’t try to fix them all and derive a mundane pleasure in doing so. Its not really your job to fix all the problems. Some problems are meant to be problems. Don’t ever let toxic people inside you and get corrupted. Sometimes, you have to be selfish, for self-love is not selfish. It only means you value yourself more. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong in it.

Have the courage to say “NO”, when you are not interested. This is a very important lesson, you need to know, my younger self. Stop pleasing people, for their whims and fancies. Sometimes, the truth has to be told, whatever maybe the cost. Don’t try to blend in. Stand out.

Tell people what you feel about them, before its too late. Stop playing games with the hearts. Don’t hide your feelings and try to seek irrelevant meanings.

Don’t crave for success. Settle for mere contentment.

Don’t pin your hopes on fate. Choose. Take a chance.

Above all, follow your heart, always. Trust me, it knows the path very well.

I don't mean to say that if you listen to my advice, life would be pretty easy and smooth. So this is just a letter of hope to avoid the painful and hurtful moments. But ultimately, the choices and decisions you made and the pain and hurts you endured has shaped me into this person. And life will always be kind enough to show you different paths for different decisions you make.

Yours lovingly
Future self.

P.S -

Reply back from my younger self to me.

Dude,

Are you seriously crazy?

Advices huh?

What made you think I would read this long list of advices patiently!

Anyway I took one of your advice seriously. I say NO to you. 😌

Have a great time ahead for my mistakes.

😂

Yours obediently.

MercyMe - Dear Younger Me (Official Lyric Video) - YouTube

Decoding the Desire

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Sun, 26 May 2019 09:08:00 +0000

I was lying down in my bed buried deep inside the layers of quilt to keep me warm from the cold air. That’s when my mind played its usual game of desperation. It sprouted a balloon of thought that descended to the fragile heart through the ever complicated neuronal circuits. We desperately label raw emotions and play games with it. Wish, Want, Need, Desire; All these might look like replicas and can confuse us, so much. But not, desire. The others have been well moulded and polished into better vocabularies.But desire is a naked and raw feeling. That’s why I intend to explore the true intentions of a desire.

A desire is a faint whisper of your heart to your mind and it tries relentlessly to negotiate a deal out of it, either for the good or bad. A desire is something, you feel like doing or seeing or hearing, no matter how wrong or right it is. Because desire doesn't exist in the realms of morality. It originates in your naked and uninhibited heart, yet to be conditioned to follow the compass of society’s morality. For a desire is a desire, however decisive or simple it maybe. For a heart is a heart, however hard or pure it maybe. Both of them make a good pair, for them but definitely not for you. A heart and a desire are completely on their own, lost in the vast sea of madness. No matter, how hard, you try to anchor them to the shores, they will disappoint you consistently. Desire is the wind propelling the ship's sails in the mayhem of the life.

A desire has deep roots inside your soul. It isn’t that simple to pick up on your desires and act upon it. Desires are always caught in the web of needs and wants and its never easy to filter them out, unscathed. So, would you split open yourself and search for its traces? or would you decorate them with your thoughts and end up being disappointed faces? When you are not able to satisfy your desire, you end up in misery because of your expectations. That doesn’t mean fulfilling your desires will lead to a happily forever after. It will instead lead to a new desire in its place, that will need new pacification.

Desires can be anything from a simple little thing to a complex inevitable feeling.

As your life sheds its skin of the innocent childhood, you desire to find someone as weird as you, with whom you can build sandcastles along the beaches of eternity. You desire to discover your soulmate or twin flame by an instantaneous explosive chemistry. You desire to be able to say what and how you feel, to them, by looking into their eyes. You desire to dig out the buried dark secrets from their crevices of their mazy brain. You desire to watch all your favorite movies and Tv series with the one in a binge and explaining the plots and whispering the spoiler alerts into the ears playfully. You desire to drive all along with the one, on a full moon, with your favorite music playing mildly into the night sky and you both screaming out aloud through the windshield. You desire to have an endless conversation of random things even beyond 3 AM and ending up on each other’s shoulder asleep and realizing it only when you wake up awkwardly.

Sometimes, the desire is to steal a hidden look at your beautiful crush and remain awe struck; at times, it is to get lost in a meaningful face to face trance like state with your lover; at other times, to get mesmerized by the seductive eyes of your spouse as you enter the room after a tired day.

Sometimes, it is to hold the hands of your mother as you gently pass off into the night sailing away from the nightmares; at times, the hands you choose at your tender age, changes and fills your finger gaps more perfectly, as if you both are two halves of a whole; and then comes a time, when you desire your newborn baby to hold your little pinky finger tightly and never want to let go, no matter what.

Sometimes, it is to get kissed by your mother on your cheeks; then, to kiss someone who you truly love, on their forehead; then, comes the passionate and deep smooch with your best half, like its gonna be the end of the world; But, when your little baby kisses you back, its altogether a new level of desiring, passing through generations.

At times of depression, the desire is to end everything peacefully. At time of exaltation, the desire is to freeze the moment of tranquility and live forever. Sometimes, the desire is to live contently in between the waxing and waning of waves.

Sometimes, the desire is to be alone, not because you are a loner, but because there is no better place to hide your feelings and your mask has overrun its capacity. At times of desperation, the desire is to run into the arms of your special one and forget the existential crisis, that’s drowning you. Sometimes, you never want to be released from the tight embrace of the warmth radiating from the heart of your heart.

Sometimes, you desire to be melancholy for unexplainable reasons. At other times, you desire to be happy and cheerful for obvious reasons.

Above all, we all desire to be understood, accepted and loved because these three would perhaps encompass every possible feeling in this universe and we all deserve to be accepted and loved. But we do need someone to decode our desires, desperately.

Politics of Living

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Thu, 23 May 2019 17:27:00 +0000

DISCLAIMER: Let reasoning prevail over madness. But How can I expect that in INDIA? (deep sigh...)

The election results are out. As expected, the BJP is expected to rule for another five more years, which might look much longer than it actually seem to. But what does that mean for the common people, the bhakts, the liberals, the anti-nationals, the pseudo-nationals, the educated morons, the minorities and more importantly the cows.

Speaking of cows, they might get their permanent citizenship and their right to vote, finally, after a hard fought struggle, plucked away from the minorities; Who else do you expect to vote for the same party after a decade of destroying completely the concept of India. But wait, there's an another possibility though. How about this being the last election of the democratic India? I mean, why waste so much of money on this and calling it the biggest electoral drama in the world! This can be utilized purposefully in building humongous statues of Unity, Rama , Shivaji, Gau-matra and what not! Even the richest political party's head quarters might need some renovation. So let them rule forever in your rotten dreams because you all deserve to be. But why us? This rule of majority is gonna get us killed so easily.

You didn't heed the advice, that were thrown upon you, repeatedly. You see, the omens were present all around, in the forms of memes, murders, lynchings, disappearances, patterns. History never lies, but it does repeat in vicious cycles to assess your stupidity. Liberals, journalists, activists, were shot at their doorsteps like dogs and nothing happened. Paradoxically, we found people cheering for their deaths of fellow beings and celebrating the demise of humanity. We witnessed mobs lynching people, in the name of cows,religion, low caste and what not? We witnessed Romeo squads ironically preserving our culture and glorifying rapes of even children. We also witnessed the rise of Godse and veer savarkar, for unknown and unexplainable reasons. One who killed the father of our nation was celebrated as a fake hero and the real hero's image damaged with fake stories and photoshops. And this happened after almost 60 years of silent repercussions. And people were debating for Godse rather than Gandhi. What more shame can we expect from a peaceful nation, we proclaim to be!

When confronted with a certified bhakt, he would say, Modi is the ultimate leader, India desperately wants, without even a sorry face, for what he has just uttered. The other phrase would be like, "if not for Modi, who else? ". That's the point, you should run away from them. That's the point of no return, for them to their sanity and for you to make an U-turn against whoever it is.
If we trace back the history pages, this was the same excuse, the germans used after their humiliating peace treaty of the first world war. We all know, how many millions of people had to lose their lives and dreams for such a gross mistake. History has always been kind enough to demonstrate alarming signals at regular intervals. But what if you willfully ignored it? A huge catastrophe in in the cards. And you are all part of it in choosing it, again and again.

The next five years will see many more jumlas and empty promises. Re-framing the constitution at their whims and fancies; Marginalizing the minorities; Curbing all the powers from the state and centralizing it; abolishing the freedom of speech, expression and dissent, completely;
The megalomaniac addressing the public in his safe confine through the radio but would never dare to come out to answer a press meet; If he does, he would with a vow of silence or perhaps meditating in the press meet, which could accommodate more cameras than a cave! The scripted interviews are all a different level of ingenious creation. If not for the interviews, how would we have known about the clouds and radars and all his scientific knowledge, who ironically hides his degree out of modesty and humility. I seriously wonder, sometimes, how can literate people fall for such a moronic fool and keep batting for him after strings of failure? How can you look at him and not laugh at his heretics, theatrics, dramatics, costumes? How can you accommodate and admire a drama queen like him? On the brighter side, I hope there are a lot more to come to laugh my lungs out in times of desperate misery.

Govt of India (Pvt. Ltd) - this should become a reality finally. Because our hardworking prime moron has worked 18 hours a day and not taken a single day holiday to achieve this dream. Right now, they are selling railway stations, Government hospitals, airports to the corporates, in the name of better functioning. But come five more years, we will be playing the board game of monopoly with a wicked dice and selling states and capitals to ambanis and adanis. And you all still will be cheering!

All major institutions, like CBI, Supreme court, Income Tax department, Election commission have already pledged their alliance to the ruling party in less than half the first term or so. So there won't be much change in that aspect, I suppose, as the mission has already been accomplished.

In the past two days, I found two important facebook IDs (anti-nationals) being closed voluntarily. Two important accounts, that made surviving through these five years, a lot more easier with their satirical and sarcastic posts. One among them, Humans of Hindutva, had a world wide following. So the fear is evident. I type in these with the same fear, that made them exit this virtual world. So, everyone ultimately runs for their lives. They don't want to be the entertainment, when the crown is on the clown who rules over us. It also means, the clown has succeeded in creating a sense of doom for the non-aligned.

I have already crossed four pages on these rantings and ramblings and still I am no way near the climax. I could write a book on this, if I wish to, but I don't want them to be burnt away without reading.
So jokes apart, why do you think, you voted for a disaster again?
Is it because you liked the mass unemployment?
or
did you personally feel Demonetization was a success in curbing the black money or the terrorism in your hallucinations?
or
did you think GST was implemented perfectly without any casualty?
or
did you think your aadhar card details are safely held behind thick inches of steel walls ? or
were you fascinated by the development of smart cities and bullet trains in those photoshopped images?
or
were you captivated by the divide and rule policy they emulated from the British to whom they are still loyal to since the times of Veer Savarkar?
or
do you ultimately want to live in a "Hindu Rashtra", like those religious middle eastern war crying nations?
or
were you impressed by the workaholic prime minister, who is being instrumental in closing down the government agencies like BSNL, airlines etc
or
were you allured by the charming model for JIO and PayTm, who takes posing for the cameras to an all-together new level?
Or
were you mind blown by the fake stories, the fake degrees, the fake GDPs, the fake institutions, the fake datas?
Or
were you drawn towards the word "chowkidar" without even knowing the meaning behind it, that you enthusiastically added it to your twitter handle?
Or
did you believe in the claim that there's no corruption scandal upon this government, turning deaf ears to the Rafael deal and the fact that BJP chief's son's bank balance multiplied to an enormous amount after demonetization?

So you still didn't get your exact reason why you voted for him? Alright. Love is confusing. Love doesn't have any reason. That's what philosophy says.But so does stupidity. You probably love a stupid and love being a stupid.

So I can see you all voting for Adhityanath, Pragya and a Cow in that order for the post of PM in the upcoming elections, if at all the elections are here to stay.

George Orwell was a literary genius. He forecasted this scenario in the 1950's in his famous novels, "1984" and "The animal farm". And I have never read a more terrifying novel than 1984. I just hope and wish, they stay in those dark pages forever. Let them not haunt our reality.

P.S.
"You" here refers to those who you voted for him.
If you feel offended by the post and the P.S. in particular, then just know that, I am happy, offending you. Because, I am deeply offended by your decision.

Perspectives

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Tue, 07 May 2019 09:14:00 +0000

So what do you see?

A heart with a bullet-hole?

A window to a kind soul?

A shattered dream of a many?

A ruined memory of a honey?

A lonely crow on a pole?

A solitude blessed blissful soul?

The clear sky on the horizon?

The dirt littered on the sand?

So what do you see?

you see what you choose to.

P.S - Poetry and Photo - Thank me.

Hiraeth

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Sat, 27 Apr 2019 11:09:00 +0000

The drive started quite early, even before the sun was dawning. The moon was visibly pale and poetic. Witnessing them both the sun and the moon simultaneously is neither a rarity nor a beauty. Because they both are not at their best, easily; one is exhausted and the other,lusterless.

I was seeking the mountains by the side, through my windshield. I knew I somehow, belonged there, somewhere. A sense of "hiraeth" caught me unguarded, as the silhouette of the majestic mountains became barely visible out of the morning mist in the distant realms. It was hard to guess the exact curves where the hills and the clouds kissed each other. Maybe it was a passionate and deep smooch, that they dissolved into each other without boundaries or borders. I finally felt the homecoming, even though I was driving miles away from the home, ironically.

Every time I tried to imagine their heights, their core, their beauty in my mind, I felt a strange silence inside my shrine as if I am meditating, only that I have never attempted to. Each time, it gets better and the obvious connection becomes clearer. I was getting closer to my roots. The roots are a fascinating creation by nature. They keep you grounded to your native earth and support you from their humble undergrounds and yet never show off their worth. You might have the urge to explore the roots and thank them for their selfless service, but doing it will only weaken them and in turn will only uproot you. Because you stand on your roots. All you can do is feel them underneath the earth and visualize its magnificence in all its grandeur, in your illusion.

The road was, for a long time, on a parallel with the mountains, keeping me at a bay and away from them. I didn't know what their intentions were. Did they fear losing me by allowing me across them or did they allow me to gaze at them forever in a parallel course. I seem to have lodged myself perfectly in a hypothetical position. The fate of the parallel and intersecting lines is a tragedy in itself, either way. And no tragedy is better than the other and should never be compared.

So the choice, as always, was never easy. My choice was my road. And my road took me right into the heart of the mountain and left a gaping hole in the centre of it. Once across, there was no turning back. I kept saying, “This too shall pass”, as I passed through the pass. And a thought mellowed into me in the form of a space occupying bubble, above my head. “Has drilling through the mountains been easier for a man than passing through a heart?.. Does that make the hard mountains more malleable than a stubborn heart?”

So, I had to get through the fresh green farms, climb across narrow bridges guarding the river streams , traverse through tunnels plotted in mountain ridges, to reach here. This is where everything started. A place so deeply engraved in my memory, that it can never be a foreign land to me; Yet, it can never be my home either. This is some middle ground, I grew up fondly and fell in love with its red soil and their red bananas; This is some haven, where the clouds burst open in tune with the thunders, in meticulous synchronicity and the drinking water are dressed in pink color; This is some stream of emotions, where nostalgic memories of paper boats swim through effortlessly each and every monsoon; This is some place, where green is the only color of the planet - plants, trees, farms, fields and even moistened algae infested walls; This is some distinct district on the borders, which can not pledge its loyalty to either states completely, with its unique dialect and mannerism; This is the land where I killed my tongue with the taste of tapioca, fish curry, jack fruits, mangoes, banana chips and let it starving and craving for them, afterwards. This is the heaven where I met the GOD in the form of my grandmother and realized that even GODS have to die; This is my home, I can never return to.

Revelations

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Thu, 18 Apr 2019 17:35:00 +0000

There will come a day,

once in your lifetime,

which you will reminisce
for the rest of your days.

Because precisely at that point,

your course takes an U-turn;

Traveling through the same mountains,

the same rivers, the same woods,

all of which were left behind,

seems to be coming towards you;

Its a new view of the same things

just from the opposite side!

Because prejudice will try to

choose the best, but there’s no best,

Just the convenient truth,

You are comfortable with.

Its like the intermission of a movie,

wherein the villain is just revealed.

But in real life, there is none.

Only perceptions from different corners,
to add enough melodramas and tragedies.

Its like the central hub of a book

where in every page is bound to

by a single bold yet invisible thread.

And there are equal number of pages

on either side of it, wanting to be read.

Its like a half-life of a

radioactive isotope, losing

half of its atomic weight

and waiting to lose the other half

and disintegrate into the thin air.

Sometimes you have seen it all wrong

in white and black, all along.

And conveniently forgot the grey!

Grey is where people fit in.
And we are the people in the fray.

So, there will come a day,

once in your lifetime,

which you will reminisce
for the rest of your days.

Because that day, you will realize,
how good it is to let go;

And there are no rights and wrongs,

Just convenient truths.

Shallows

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Thu, 18 Apr 2019 06:04:00 +0000

I can see through you,

for you are so clear;

But do I call it a view?

Is being clear, pure?

You think, I would

fall for your face?

I would rather fill my heart

with things, far from your surface.

Depth is what I crave.

Because, there is silence in there.

A pinch of mystery, I can brave,

for, unknown creatures lurk in the core.

So, do I tame your demons?

or do I let mine meet thine?

Either way, we were lost and used.

Now we are found and fused.

I would rather drown in your depth

than swim safely in your shallows.

Decisions

noreply@blogger.com (Jeya Anand) — Sat, 13 Apr 2019 18:24:00 +0000

I am a pendulum

Oscillating between the Extremes.

The esoteric east and the Wild West.

Caught between the webs of

Altruism and selfishness.

Wobbling between the

Indecisiveness of a prey and

the wickedness of the Hunter.

Straying between the

hope of a heaven

and the abyss of a hell.

I stare into the empty space

Ahead of me into the crossroads

Where could I be heading to?

The shining promise of horizon

Or the hopeless rut of oblivion?

Why is it so hard to choose ?

Because, we fear, not to lose..